#cordelia 038

[cagenewman]

WHO: Cage & @cordelianewman

WHERE: Newman Home, countryside

WHEN: evening of January 18, 2025

"Girls are already asleep," Cage announced as he trudged down the last few steps of the kitchen stairwell, gaze landing on his wife and a smile touching his lips. "I think being pretty, pretty princesses that keep trying to turn dad into a frog might just be the hack to wearing them out. Colt and Shawn are playing games upstairs, so that..." he trailed off, slipping an arm around Cordelia's waist and pressing a kiss to her lips, "leaves me and you with clean-up. And you said you wanted to talk about something?"

[fe-cipher-secret-shop]

Fire Emblem Cipher Awakening Series 14 HN/N Cards

Hi all~

Like mentioned, I’m trying to update my blog and make it a little easier to navigate. In this post, I have a full set of Awakening and Tokyo Mirage Sessions HN/N cards from B14 available for sale for $7.50 and includes 36 cards shown in the pictures above.

Note: As seen in the pictures above, there are 3 different types of Risen cards. Only one of the 3 is included in the set (random).

Additionally, I have extras of some cards for sale as well. I’m selling my HN cards for $0.50 and my N cards for $0.25*. *The Risen cards are excluded from this and are $1.00 each.

Below is a list of the available HN/N cards (pictured above) and how many are available* (and their rarity):

B14-002 N Lucina *locked

B14-003 HN Lucina *locked

B14-005 N Chrom *locked

B14-007 N Robin (M) *locked

B14-009 N Robin (F) *locked

B14-011 N Cordelia *locked

B14-012 HN Olivia *locked

B14-013 N Morgan (F) x6

B14-015 N Morgan (M) x5

B14-017 N Owain x3

B14-018 HN Kjelle *locked

B14-019 N Kjelle x3

B14-020 HN Laurent *locked

B14-021 N Laurent x1

B14-023 N Cynthia x7

B14-024 N Cynthia x2

B14-025 HN Brady x3

B14-026 N Brady x9

B14-027 HN Yarne *locked

B14-028 N Yarne x6

B14-030 N Severa x3

B14-031 HN Severa *locked

B14-033 N Nah x8

B14-034 HN Noire x1

B14-036 N Inigo x7

B14-037 HN Inigo *locked

B14-038 N Gerome x4

B14-039 HN Risen Chief x1

B14-040a N Risen x1

B14-040b N Risen *locked

B14-040c N Risen *locked

B14-041 HN ??? (Morgan F) *locked

B14-045 N Itsuki x5

B14-046 HN Chrom (Mirage) *locked

B14-047 HN Chrom (Mirage) *locked

B14-048 HN Maiko *locked

B14-049 N Alice x4

B14-050 N Valjean x4

*Some cards are locked to the full HN/N set and will NOT be sold separately.

Shipping from the states. Shipping will depend on location and prices are around $5ish but will include tracking. International shipping will need to be estimated based on size of package and location. International shipping might not come with any tracking.

If you’re interested or have any questions, just shoot me either an ask or message! ^^

Thanks for your time and reblogs would be greatly appreciate. It’s hard to get attention on tumblr and the FE tags get flooded often and my post might not get noticed! ><

(Apologies for poor pictures! If you want to see any specific card alone and up close, just let me know!)

Last Update:  January 9, 2023

[sunnydaleherald]

The Sunnydale Herald Newsletter, Tuesday, September 17 - Wednesday, September 18

ANGEL: Well, you wanted to kill a vampire. This might be your chance. (Unobtrusively hands a stake to Connor) Here take this. Just make sure that when you use that thing go straight for... CONNOR: ...the heart. I know. My father taught me. ANGEL: Yeah, I'm sure he did. Look, there are a lot of innocent people in here. Just don't go nailing anybody until they show their game face, okay? CONNOR: Will it look like yours did? ANGEL: Yeah. CONNOR: So why do you do it? ANGEL: Do what? CONNOR: Why kill them if they're like you? ANGEL: They're not like me, Connor. CONNOR: I'm not Connor. ANGEL: Just stay right there.

~~Benediction (Season 3)~~

[Drabbles & Short Fiction]

Unrequited (Willow, Xander, G) by badly_knitted

no such roses (Jenny/Giles, T) by The_Eclectic_Bookworm

Ryan's in trouble. Must be Wednesday. (Cordelia, G, Panic at the Disco! Xover) by Arsenic

Maybe i just wanna (Be yours) (Faith/Tara, T) by aryablakes

Piece Of Work (Spike/Reader, unrated) by united-fandoms-in-one-home

Old-Fashioned (Spike/Reader, unrated) by united-fandoms-in-one-home

Stress ( Rupert Giles x Reader, G) by blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms

[Chaptered Fiction]

The Road to Hell Ch. 1-61/? (Buffy/Spike, Faith, E, multiple xovers) by HollyDB, Kimmie_Winchester

Lotus Chapter 65 (Willow/Tara, G) by Counterpunch

Little Wonders Ch. 1/? (Buffy/Spike, E) by pleasesetdanonfire

How Anya Became a Fairy Godmother, Chapter 2 (Buffy/Spike, T) by maryperk

Enemy, Mine, Chapter 2 (Buffy/Spike, T) by spikes_heart

Jump, Chapter 13 (Buffy/Spike, E) by Holly

The Trials and Tribulation of the House of Love, Chapter 5 (Buffy/Spike, E) by handwithquill

[Images, Audio & Video]

Cosplay:Had a good time at the Spooky Spectacle in Fort Worth, TX as Buffy Summers today. :) (Buffy, Spike, & Willow) by

Video: Gunn/Fred - Someone to You by starryeyesxxmasterclass

[Reviews & Recaps]

PODCAST: Tabula Rasa/Quickening by mmpodcastnetwork

PODCAST: 5.01: Buffy vs Dracula by Buffering the Vampire Slayer

PODCAST: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered by Buffy the Vampire Straya

PODCAST: #43. I’ll Take Away Your Data (S4.19-20) by Still Dead

PODCAST: 038 - Les belles et les bêtes (S03E04) by Buffy Boys

PODCAST: S07E02 - SpooOOky - Beneath You by Pop Culture Role Call

PODCAST: "Damage" (Angel S5E11) by What the Hellmouth

PUBLICATION: Rewatching Buffy – Episode 105 Life Serial by confusingmiddle

PUBLICATION: Rewatching Angel – Episode 49 Fredless by confusingmiddle

[Community Announcements]

Round 107 Theme Poll by fancake

[Fandom Discussions]

god i wish i knew if the fact that willow wears the same black jacket in dead things as she does in the dark willow arc was deliberate. by impalementation

the maddening thing about trying to analyze buffy is not that intent isn’t there by impalementation

Did we ever see Angel(us)s bedroom? by gracenm

Though I love the scene, I’ll will never understand why Angel in “Reptile Boy” was mad by we-pay-for-everything

Had a dream where I was Willow by arctic-hands

I really giggle when Whistler says to Buffy “you two made with the smooches, now he’s a creep again” by we-pay-for-everything

I just love how focused Angel’s eyes are on Buffy in the first two seasons of BTVS by we-pay-for-everything

B: A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind. by mybitca

Angel’s Redemption Arc by moistvonlipwig

The four stages of Tara appreciation by roselightfairy

Andrew Wells by Multiple Authors

I’m kinda bummed we never saw Willow explain to Giles, Buffy, and Xander about why she had to go to LA in Lies My Parents Told Me. by ofstormsandwolves

So I’ve been thinking about which House Willow would be sorted into by antidam0n

Top 5 Seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer by missusgordo

Which character do you wish was developed more? by missusgordo

Unpopular opinions by missusgordo

Kennedy by spuffybot

Riley Finn by a-case-of-the-wiggins

Angels strength by the_retrosaur

Finished the series by moderately_nerdifyin

Buffy Spinoff by Samof94

Buzzfeed article argues that Buffy should have ended with season 5- do you agree? by stillhavehope99

Who hasn't read the comics? by I_Like_Underscorez

Anyone else read The Tales of the Slayers? by CalendarGuy

Does anyone disagree that Beer Bad is the worst episode of the entire series? by Anya1974

Spordelia makes the Cover for Upcoming Hellmouth mini by FanGirl26

My Cordelia Chase Headcanon by Frogurt1337642

Once More With Feeling: thoughts and experiences from haters of the episode? by TGTBATU87

[Articles, Interviews, and Other News]

PUBLICATION: Hellmouth #1 Foil Cover Increases 300% at FOC – Enough to Satisfy Buffy Fans Like Donny Cates? by Bleeding Cool News

[cagenewman]

FINISHED. x

Spinning their wheels, this conversation was stuck in the mud, at least that's what it felt like. Cordelia could talk until she was blue in the face, make promises to help him deal with what he was scared of, but if he wasn't ready, if he couldn't put in the work to move past those fears and worries, then nothing would be able to be done. At his words that he never wanted to hurt her, that this wasn't meant to cause her pain, she sighed, "Just because you don't mean to hurt me, doesn't mean it doesn't." Often times it was said you hurt the ones you love, and here was an example of that. Did she know that Cage didn't find pleasure in this, of course. She knew him well enough that if he could give her everything she wanted he would, but this was seeming like a hard no, without him being able to say it. More afraid of losing her than losing himself, or that's what it felt like. "I don't think it's your goal, Cage. But doesn't mean it doesn't happen, that we don't hurt each other in ways without even realizing it." Cordelia was all too familiar with that, not from Cage, but from her childhood growing up. So, while deep down she hoped that her parents had loved her in some capacity they had caused her the most pain, and that bubbled over into other places. The look on his face was enough to tell her he hated all of this, that she was in pain, that he couldn't just say it, but they were here in this moment. "That's the thing Cage, you always seem caught off guard as if you don't know how I've feel since we all started this years ago. That eventually this conversation was going to come up, and I don't think you're ever going to be ready for it." It wasn't meant to be cruel, but it was how she saw it, that he'd never be ready for this. "I would fix it if I could regardless, even if it's not my place to fix it." Maybe people would take that as selfish because it would also make it so that she got what she wanted, but it wasn't like she wanted Cage in pain, resenting himself for how he was feeling. Would this take time? Yes. It would take a lot of time now to work on things, as she watched him drop down to the bottom step and blew out a breath. "I don't. We aren't going to agree on this and I can't..." she said, "I'm sorry." shaking her head, "Good night, Cage." As she ascended the stairs and into their room closing the door behind her, before making her way into the master bathroom and locking that door before letting herself into the shower, the scalding water allowing her emotions to free fall.

[cagenewman]

It had always been this way, hadn't it? Cordelia knew what she wanted, and Cage was afraid. Growing up, she knew that she had wanted a life with him, that she wanted to marry him, have his babies, spend the rest of their days together, and Cage had known that, too, he had felt the same way, but he had been afraid to admit it, and maybe… if he really thought about it, psychoanalyzed how he felt right then and there in that moment on the stairs, maybe a big part of Cage's problem was that he was afraid that he did want that. When he saw Cordelia mothering their children, loving them so effortlessly, wasn't there that tug? But didn't that make it ten times harder, when he thought about holding a baby -- their baby -- and then looked at Shawn and Cienna and realized the absolute gut-wrenching pain that they had gone through? When he thought about what his dad felt like, holding Clementine only to go home and tell his children, eagerly awaiting the newest little Newman, that mommy wasn't coming home? He closed his eyes as she said that she wasn't going to just walk away, defeat and relief at once washing over him as he let his weight lean against the rail, nodding feebly. "I'm not trying to hurt you," he said after a moment, even if he knew it was moot. She was hurt, he couldn't undo that. "I don't want to hurt you, I don't think you understand how much of a failure I feel like when I don't know if I can give you the one thing that you've wanted since high school. I'm not… this doesn't feel like a victory for me, like I'm getting my way, I feel …" he trailed off, shaking his head, not sure how he felt. Gutted. And then she was apologizing for his fear, for what he had been through, and he wanted to wave her off, wanted to tell her not to go there, not to say it, but he didn't trust his voice, feeling his eyes fill and turning his head to the side, blinking once, and then twice, trying to clear the wetness that had formed and steady his breathing. She didn't want to cry in front of him, he knew that. And he didn't want to cry in front of her, but he knew that she would see, bringing his hand up to brush under his eye, sniffing once and nodding his head. "I know," he said, swallowing his pride, "it's not up to you to fix it. Fix me, fix this, fix any of it, I'm working on it, I've been working on it, I wasn't expecting it to all be brought up again," he glanced up the stairs, past his wife, to where he knew their kids were, to where Shawn and Cienna had found a home amidst tragedy and sorrow. And he would do it for them a thousand times, but he couldn't deny the weight it had placed on his heart, the loss of their friends, the memory of being that kid, losing his own parent. Then going through it again, as an adult. And now standing on the staircase, feeling his bottom lip tremble the tiniest bit at the very thought, Cage wished that he could go home and talk to his dad. He bit down on the inside of his lip and steadied his breathing, taking in one deep enough to fill his chest. "You're my person, too." And nothing was going to change that. Nothing had changed that, not distance, not time, not other relationships, not this conversation. "Go," he said softly, the fight leaving his body as he dropped down to sit on one of the bottom stairs, back to the rail, knees pulled up to rest his arms on them. "If you don't want to talk about it anymore, just go."

At the rate things were going, a full blown fight was going to take place on the stairs of leading up to the second floor, and that would for sure wake the kids, and if either of the younger children came toddling out confused or worried, Cordelia would have extremely colorful words for Cage once she got them back to sleep. It didn't seem like this was something he was willing to drop at this very moment, so that meant crying alone in the shower wasn't going to happen in this very moment, even if that was what she wanted. After a wonderful few days watching their daughter turn four, celebrating for the last few days at what a strong, vibrant young girl she was becoming, they were now here. Arguing, unable to come to any kind of compromise, or well, not in a way that made anyone happy. Cordelia had offered to swallow her pride and just forget what she wanted, hadn't she? Wasn't that enough, instead of needing to go round and round in circles. "You act like I'm making you choose, a baby or divorce, I said I needed space to go and take a shower." When he said that he wanted her in his life, so she stomped down the stairs, still staying a stair or two higher than him, not wanting him to be able to reach out and touch her in that moment. "We're married, we've been married for nearly a year I'm not going to just walk away but that doesn't mean I have to sit here and keep fighting something that maybe I just need to move on from because I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep having you tell me we'll discuss this, this will happen, for it to constantly be pushed off to another time. I can't it's heartbreaking for me." The pain in her eyes was obvious, "If it's not going to happen, then I need to figure out how to let it go, but you have to let me. However that may be and if that's me being mad, then I'm going to be fucking mad. I understood when I married you that sometimes we make sacrifies, I did, but I can't -- no I won't keep having this conversation that rips me apart inside until I feel like I can't breathe because it's something I've wanted so much to feel like it's constantly just an appeasement of promises." A way to pacify her into letting the conversation drop for the time being in hopes next time it would be different, and it never was. "I get that you're scared, and I'm so, so, sorry you've gone through painful things that no one -- no one should ever have to go through." Words leaving her breathless because she meant it, she was so sorry he had lost his mother and it had damaged a part of him that no person, not even her, could stitch whole again. "If I could fix that piece for you, I would, I would sell every bit of me to give you back what you lost, but I can't. I also can't keep hoping this is going to change to end up here, because yes, the one thing I've wanted in the whole world is to carry your child like I dreamed of since I was teenager. Even when I was far too young to be dreaming of such things." Voice cracking in a way that showed the pain, her throat and neck aching from straining to keep some kind of composure. "I would never hate you, you're the one I've chosen to spend my life with and nothing will change that. But if it's not going to happen, I need to be let to grieve over it. To put that dream in a pretty little box and tuck it away and let it go." Eyes filling with tears, "You have to let me do that, Cage, if you can't give this to me, you have to let me grieve it how ever I need to, and if that means saying I need space of you not following me than I need you to listen." Cordelia licked her lips, tasting salt on them not realizing the wetness that seeped down her cheeks, tears coating her flushed skin. "I know it does. And I'm sorry." she breathed, "I wish I could be less selfish and just be fine with it now, but like you're scared, I'm heartbroken. Will we survive this, yes. I couldn't hate you after all those years, we've survived worse in the end. We're meant to be together, I know that, you're my person." Something she fundamentally believed, "But right now..."

Shaking her head, a defeated sigh leaving her lips, "I just need to take a shower and walk away from this. I meant what I said, I won't bring it up again." It wasn't to throw it in his face, it was a fact that she couldn't and wouldn't do it. This was the last time she'd attempt the subject of expanding their family, "I don't know what else you want from me."

[cagenewman]

Emotions were high, and Cage knew that the right thing to do would be to go their separate ways for the night. Let Cordelia get the shower that she so desperately wanted (and deserved), and head upstairs to the office, lay on the day bed, stare out at the moon and wonder how the night had taken such a turn. It wasn't going to do any good for them to continue sniping at each other, for words to get twisted and turned and misunderstood, feelings to get hurt, tensions to run high. But he also hated walking away from anything to do with her, maybe it traced back to the time that he had literally walked away, maybe he meant it when he said he would never do that again. "That's not what I meant at all," he said curtly, keeping his voice soft, wanting to be firm, but not angry. Cage felt his eyes burn when she talked about knowing what she wanted in her life, how she had to choose it, or it would be chosen for her, knowing that he had contributed to that, in one way or another. Whether or not he had meant to, it had happened. "And I know what I want in my life, and it's you. And it's always been you, and it will always be you," he said simply, shrugging both of his shoulders as though there was nothing else to say; there wasn't, not really. It was the simple truth of him: Cage had run away from what he wanted and nearly two decades later, had built his life around it. And he knew, deep down, this changed nothing. That regardless of what they decided, what they did or didn't do next, that he would wake up and still love her with his whole heart, his entire soul. "And if I can't?" he asked, feeling a sick twist in his gut, a knot that made it hard to breathe for a moment. "No yelling, no waking the kids," he said after a moment, standing his ground at the bottom of the stairs, hand still curled around the wood, the very same wood they had sanded and smoothed and stained together when they were restoring their home, building the place that they would spend the rest of their life with. "And I'm not saying no, this isn't me saying no," he chose the words carefully, deliberately, keeping his eyes on her, meeting that same blaze of emotion, the same rigidness in his jaw, a crackling in the air between them. "If it never happens, are you going to hate me?" he finally asked, his grip loosening, expression faltering for a moment as he watched her from where he stood. "Because it fucking terrifies me," through gritted teeth, after a long, hard swallow, and angry tears, "this whole thing fucking terrifies me."

There was a point you knew that the conversation was spinning in circles, and burnout was inevitable. That place was fast approaching in this conversation and the last thing she really wanted was this to turn into a full blown fight because she didn't want it to wake the kids, or make the boys wander downstairs to see what was wrong. Worrying them was the last thing she wanted to do, because this was adult problems, not kids, not teens, but strictly between Cage and Cordelia. Him speaking wasn't something she needed confirming, she knew he appreciated all that she did but right now they were both just angry or upset, and things were being pushed to the limits. "No, but you make it seem like because I'm in school I don't contribute and it's all finances, as if I'm not going to be working as soon as I take the exam for my license." That was the plan anyway until they really sat down to decide how they wanted to work on things, because she had ideas of using her license for not just working for someone else forever, but building their own company together where they could help restore and keep homes in the town, sell them to people or rent them to people that could appreciate the beauty. "I can't help that I know what I want in life, I had to. I didn't get a choice, it was always know what I want, or it will be chosen for you." Even if it ended up being chosen for her anyway. Her parents had told her that, and then controlled everything from what she wore to what she ate, to what activities she did. Everything to put on this pretty facade for the town. Then she known what she wanted with Cage, and he had left, another decision made for her, no matter what she had wanted. Of course, she understood that reasoning and no longer held it against him, but it was a continuing pattern she saw of knowing what she wanted and then having something else stop it from being exactly that. When he said he couldn't say it at least there was honesty, "I don't think you'll ever be able to say it." She admitted, less anger and bitterness in her tone because she did understand why he was worried, but at this point, she couldn't do this again every single god damn year, in fact, she wouldn't. "And I just have to accept that." Making her way through the house flipping the lights off as she then made her way to the staircase, she didn't want to do this anymore. Feeling the bubbling feelings between being purely destroyed emotionally and just angry. As she made it more than three quarters of the way up the stairs she huffed and puffed, still angry now more than anything, but the shower would give her that peace to just let her emotions free. "No." she called down. "And if you yell again and wake this kids you won't have to worry about anything because I will end you." she snapped, not wanting to keep doing this. What was the point of this conversation? She had said her peace, she would be the one to make the concessions of giving up wanting a baby, and life would go on. That didn't mean she didn't need time, that things wouldn't be tough for a little bit. Sometimes that was how life went. Seeing him grip the railing. "So don't." Turning on heel more than halfway up, pointing at him. "Just don't. I'm not doing this anymore." Her eyes focused on him almost blazing matching his set jaw, both of them now angry with each other.

[cagenewman]

"I'm sorry," the words tumbled out before he could stop them, because he didn't want to yell at her, could count on one hand the amount of times that he had ever raised his voice at her, never wanted her to feel demeaned or belittled by him, of all people. But her words stung, because she knew that he appreciated everything that she did for their family, the nights that she put the kids to bed when he was at the shop, pouring over a late night project that needed to be done by the morning, the dinners that she cooked even though she was exhausted, the fact that their bed was always made when he crawled into it at night, even though he knew he hadn't been the one to do it that morning. "Baby, you know that I appreciate everything that you do for me. For our kids, for this family, I am not trying to take that away from you," and he never would. He rest his palm flat on the counter top, watching her. "Have I ever complained about you being in school? I'm not complaining, I'm not using it as an excuse, I am stating a fact. I am proud of you for going back to school, I love that I have been able to help you make this happen, I don't regret that for a second," he took in a breath, feeling himself slump a bit against the cupboards, "none of that takes away the stress of parenting, and you know that, too. You are this… force of nature that knows what you want and knows that you can do it, and I envy it, and I wish that I had it in this arena, because where you are so sure, and I am … not." They could be so similar, cut from the same cloth… and so different at the same time. And it terrified him to think that if he could get to that point in his life where he could give her what she wanted, she was going to resent him, that she would always wonder what could have been. And what if he came to regret it? What if he got to a point in his life where he wished he would have made the other choice? Resented himself, felt like he let her down. "No." Cage shook his head, lifting his eyes to meet hers for a moment. "I can't say it. Not because it's not true, but because I'm not ready right this second, right now, standing here. And I wish I could tell you that in a week, I will be? Or a month, or -- any timeline, because I know that you deserve that, but I don't know when," his voice got quieter until he was nearly whispering the words, letting his shoulders droop a little bit, "but I'm trying." He was afraid that the words would get lost, then, in the crackling energy between them as she shoved the cake into the fridge, talked about how she was the selfish one, said she would never bring it up again, that she was the asshole, that she was taking a shower. Don't follow me, Newman. And then he was mad, too. Setting his jaw, he covered the distance between where he was standing and the base of the stairs, hand curling around the door, wedging his body between it and the frame as he looked up at her retreating form. His voice was low, gravelly when he spoke, "come back downstairs, Cordelia."

They all had their weaknesses, they weren't perfect, far from it actually. Flaws were something every human being was made up of, and boy did they both have their own. But they loved each other not despite their flaws, but flaws included. Cage didn't try and change who Cordelia fundamentally was, she didn't try to change who he was, but this seemed to be that first breaking point they had both reached in their marriage that had them at a stalemate. The way she was looking at it now, there was no winner in this. Someone was going to get hurt, or be stressed, or not enjoy something at this rate, and part of her was better at taking it on herself. Her parents had put her through being miserable and she had dealt with it, grown, and been okay, so if that meant that she had to do that here, well, it was that autopilot she went into. When he snapped at her, her head snapped in his direction, daggers glaring at him as her eyes narrowed, tears behind them but never once breaking as she glared at him. "Do not raise your voice to me." her voice shook, anger dripping through it. "You know it but you didn't live it, Cage. So don't sit there and act like I'm not taking care of this family too as if I'm not cooking and cleaning and going to school, and taking the girls to dance classes and gymnastics." Her teeth gritted at the man, because now she was just angry. Did she really think he was saying he was the sole provider in all aspects of the house, no. "You told me to go back to school, you encouraged me, and here's yet another excuse to skirt around the subject again. Don't worry we'll just talk about it next year." Cordelia snapped, the same response she had gotten the last two years in a row, now saying it at him. When he said he was always going to stress about taking care of them she made a noise in her throat as she started to drain the sink, scrubbing at cleaning it up and finishing because well, it wasn't unlike Cordelia to not finish a task regardless of argument or disagreement. "You don't think I know that we had a huge change? That I haven't been broken about losing our friends? Seeing the pain in their son's eyes, I get it. Okay but I'm still allowed to want the things I've always dreamed of, they wouldn't want me to hold in things I've always wanted because of them, and I refuse to use them as some excuse." Really she didn't want to drag their poor friends who had passed into this. "But you can't say it!" she said and she knew it, he knew it. "It's a big thing regardless if we have it out now, and I am not waking those kids upstairs right now. They don't deserve that, they had a good day, it was Rosalyn's day I'm not making it so that they're wondering why we're fighting." she hissed, annoyed that he just assumed she'd call him a prick, but if he pushed she might have some other colorful words for him. "So just -- " she let out a huff. "Forget it, I'll concede, I'll change. We can't come to a conclusion to this after what, three years? I'm not going to keep fighting for it. So I'll make the sacrifice, I'll change what I want." she bit out, going and shoving what was left of the cake into the fridge. "Now look at that, there's nothing left to have out." Really all she wanted to do was go upstairs and cry but she refused out of pure stubbornness to cry in front of Cage right now. "I was the selfish one for bringing it up but I'm telling you now I will never bring this up again." It hurt time and time again to feel like they were finally getting to that place to never hear those words. Even if it had just been I want this baby with you, it would have been something. "And I get your scared but I can't live in fear every single day wondering if this is going to happen or that is going to happen. I lived under my parents control, I won't live under the control of fear." she said, her breathing slightly heavy. "So, I'm the asshole here, I'm going to take a shower." she bit out heading for the stairs. "Don't follow me Newman." As she started ascending the stairs.

[cagenewman]

One thing that they were both a little too good at was compartmentalizing, tucking their feelings away so that the rest of the world didn't witness their struggles, so that no one knew when they were having a hard time. Cage had seen it in his wife when she had found out about Theo's divorce, she had seen it in him when he struggled with Travis's loss. But they had been there for each other. And Cage knew, that no matter how easy it would be to tuck these things away in a little box, to say that there was no use talking about it, that they simply didn't see eye to eye, it wasn't going to fix anything, wasn't going to lead them to where they needed to be. And so he stood his ground, shaking his head when she spoke. "I don't mean it like that -- hey," he snapped the word out a little more loudly than he meant to, narrowing his eyes with hurt when she said that she hadn't had the privilege to go to school when she was younger. "I know that. I know that, Cordelia, and I have never, ever done anything but encourage you to go back to school, promise you that we would make it work, and we will, but even if you weren't, even if you were still at the high school, or working in real estate, I would still worry about money. I'm your husband, I am their dad," he pointed to the stairs, to the kids on the floors above them, "I am always going to put you guys first and that means that I am always going to stress out about taking care of you. When we said that we would talk about this, we had Colton and we had Rosalyn, and I felt like I would be there, I would be ready, and then this… huge life change happened, and now we have to think about two more kids, Shawn going to college soon, Cienna and Rosalyn starting school, Colton will be driving," there was a wild, almost panicked look to his eyes as the millions of thoughts crossed his mind at once. "I am trying so hard to get to this point where when I think about this, think about having a baby, I don't panic, and I don't know how to make you understand that it's not because I don't want a baby with you," but he cut himself off, because she wasn't entirely wrong, was she? He wasn't saying, 'I want this,' he was saying, 'I don't not want this,' and he knew that until he could say those words to her, she wasn't going to believe him. And could he blame her? Letting out a groan, he brought both hands up to scrub across his face, back into dark blonde hair, graying at the temples, showing age; the years that had passed from when their fights were over who got the last brownie or which party to attend after the game. "No," he shook his head, dropping his arms to his sides, "because if I go upstairs or walk away, then you tuck it all away and pretend this didn't happen and we have this big … thing between us, and we can't do that to each other or the kids, so just be pissed off at me. Yell at me or call me a prick or something. Let's just have this out."

Did she know his complicated feelings with pregnancy, of course, and she understood where he was coming from. But fear only made you miss out on some of the greatest things in life. Maybe it was because her parents had controlled so much of her life when she was younger that she refused to let herself miss out on the pieces she wanted. Of course, if he couldn't do this, there was some things she'd have to sacrifice, because it wasn't like she was going to give him some ultimatum, baby or divorce. No, that wasn't how marriage worked, that wasn't how their marriage worked. They got through the hard times, but that didn't mean it wouldn't take time and it wouldn't possibly hurt. The family they had grown, this mismash of unpredicted, overconsuming love they had developed where at this point Rosalyn was Cage's daughter and no one would question different. She didn't even know that she wasn't his father, they had blended so that her DNA didn't matter, Cage was her father, through and through. Now Shawn and Cienna were their family, no matter what happened in the months to come, they were their children and would be loved as such. Probably fiercely more than most children would ever feel. Then Colton, the kind, loving, gentle soul who had become her son. While he might not be her blood, and he always would have that door to go find out about his mother, in her mind, he was her son. No one would change that, ever. She loved that boy more than the air she breathed, more than she could begin to put into words that the thought of him not being in her life caused a pain so deep inside of her chest that she couldn't begin to understand it. "You act like I'm not going to help take care of this family." She bit back, "I'm going to school to take care of this family too, and I get it's taking time, but not everyone had the privilege to go to school when they were eighteen." It wasn't meant to be something to throw in anyone's face, but it wasn't like she had had the best childhood growing up that had given her anything other than tiny skirts, designer purses, heels and an overwhelming fear of failure and doing anything but perfection. Something she worked every damn day to not fall back into old habits, but stressful situations tended to have her fall more towards the wayside. "The problem is you're not saying you do want this. You just say you're not saying you don't but you never seem to be able to say you want a baby. You can't say you want a baby with me." Her head turned away, thankful he was going to collect things as a tear slipped down her cheek and she used her shoulder as best to wipe at her face, not allowing soapy hands to rub her skin. "Yeah." she finally said when he said he was struggling with it. Her face not even turning to look at him because right now her emotions were too unstable to look at him. So in typical Cordelia fashion she scrubbed away at the dishes. Taking the ones he had brought her and sinking them into the water and starting to scrub. "I'll be done in a little bit."

[cagenewman]

He wished that there was a switch he could flip to be as confident as Cordelia was in this; that there was a word she could say that would assuage his feelings and his fears, make him feel ready, because it wasn't exactly like he was a kid anymore. And it wasn't as though he didn't want a family with her, because they had one. They had Colton and Rosalyn, had just taken in Shawn and Cienna, and although they had big, permanent, forever decisions to make there, he knew that they both already had, mentally and emotionally. He knew that those kids would be with them for the rest of their lives, they were Newmans now. It wasn't a fear of starting a family, it was a fear of losing the only woman that he had ever wanted a family with. Verbalizing that was hard. It would have been smart, but when had he ever claimed to be that. He opened his mouth to respond, to say something -- say anything -- before letting it fall closed, at a loss for words, because the last thing that he wanted to do was say something that hurt her, made this situation more tense, tougher to talk through. But when she brought up not having to carry or birth the baby, he let out a low laugh, his head falling back to rest against the cabinets as he looked up at the ceiling. "It has everything to do with me working, I need to take care of you guys," he said the words softly, gently, not wanting her to think that he was placing any blame on her, because he knew that they had their plans, but would those plans then have to be pushed back? Would he lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling, replaced by a pregnancy pillow, stressed out of his mind about feeding five mouths at the dinner table, sending another kid to college? "But I'm not saying that I don't want this," his voice came out with a bit more bite than he meant to, and he caught himself, lifting his gaze to her face to give her an apologetic look, not wanting to snap at her, not when they had just had such a good day. "I'm trying to get to a point where I feel confident in this decision, in knowing that I can take care of you, take care of our kids, and I was there, I was so close, and then--" he cut himself off, catching his breath and scrubbing his hand over his face, pushing his weight off of the counter and letting out a soft grunt. "Yeah." He needed to gather his thoughts, needed to take a beat, stepping through the rooms lightly, gathering up paper plates and china alike, discarded mugs from hot cocoa, mind moving a hundred miles an hour before he stepped back into the kitchen, setting everything down on the counter next to the sink, standing close to his wife. "I want to be ready, but I'm struggling with it, and you know why." The words were left unspoken, heavy in the air, please don't make me say it, he wanted to ask. Please don't make me remind you that I can't do any of this without you.

Sometimes, with any relationship, it was hard to have those hard conversations with the people they love. It was something that she knew wasn't going to be easy, but there had been promises for -- well, years now, and she couldn't keep putting this conversation off forever. At her age now, she wasn't getting any younger, and part of her was starting to wondering how healthy she would even be to carry a pregnancy. There hadn't been any issues with Rosalyn but that had now been over four years from when she had first gotten pregnant. In other words, she wasn't feeling like a spring chicken and bringing up this was hard, to be honest about how she was feeling, but the looks on his face gave her anything but hope. He could say the word, but his looks -- it gave away so much. The arms crossed over his chest, the looking down at the floor. Maybe she wasn't buying it, it feel forced. "You've said that before." she said as the large oversized sink filled with scalding hot water, sure, they had a dish washer but at this moment washing them by hand felt needed. "That's the problem, you never say no, but you don't say yes either." Her hands grabbed a few plates and placed them into the hot water, fingers grabbing the face shaped sponge and shoving it into the water, almost drowning the thing, filling it with water before starting to scrub at the dishes, eyes focused on that. "And I get it, there's a lot going on right now, but we've always had a lot going on with our lives." Since they got back together they had always had something going on. It was the conscious idea of 'waiting for the right time, then there'll never be a right time' and she couldn't help but think Cage really thought there would be a magic 'right time' to make this happen. "What does you going back to work have to do with me being pregnant?" Furrowing her brows to look at him, "I'm the one carrying the baby, birthing the baby..." To her that didn't even make any sense, it wasn't like she was asking him to give up his career to be a stay at home father. "Kids fall out of routine, even the most stable children that didn't have something tragic happen to them, and you work with them. It's not like I'm saying having a baby to throw them out in the dark." Maybe she was getting defensive and upset, her tone wasn't raised because she didn't want the boys to overhear them and come wandering down to see what was wrong. Let alone wake the sleeping girls who would wake up cranky from being woken sudden and abruptly. "We're talking but are we? From the look on your face you rather crawl out of your skin than do any of this talking." she said a slight bite to her tone. "If you don't want this I rather you just say it so that I can do whatever I need to do to mourn that it's not going to happen. But I can't... keep bringing this up in hopes someday you're going to have that magic moment where you're actually excited about it, and truly want it." she said. Her body shook slightly because she was fighting back emotions refusing to show that in front of him right now. It wasn't like he was the enemy but she also didn't think she wanted to enter that point of vulnerability with him right now, it was how she had dealt with things her whole life and it was so easy to switch that back on when feeling hurt. "Can you go check and see if there's anymore dishes, I don't want to have more to do in the morning, just finish them tonight before I shower and bed."

[cagenewman]

Letting out a low laugh, Cage gave Cordelia's waist a little squeeze when she said that she could find ways to keep him up, knowing that it had never been a problem with them before -- even when they had to get creative, had to fly under the radar. And on any other night, he would have gladly taken her up on that offer, gladly let her do whatever she wanted to do to keep him awake. The thought alone passed a wave of heat through his body, left him wanting to pull her closer, but she was pulling back, instead, and he found himself letting out a breath, knowing that it hadn't been the right thing to say, that it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Maybe he should have been rehearsing for this, practicing what he wanted to say during the hours that he insulated the old barn he was renovating, talked to himself to and from the daycare as the girls chatted about their day. But maybe… it was for the best to pull the band-aid off, to really talk about it, to make good on that promise. "I do want this," he assured her, watching as she stepped away to begin gathering things from the house, standing still, arms at his side, hands craving the warmth he had just been holding onto as he let his gaze trail after her, head falling back with a soft groan. When she returned to the kitchen, made her way to the sink, he stepped closer, resting his back against the counter top and crossed both arms over his chest, watching her hands for a moment before speaking. "I'm not saying no," he kept his voice soft, eyes on the dishes as he thought over what she had said, knowing that he had pushed the conversation off once, and then again… probably a dozen times. "But… right now? I just got back to work full time, I'm just starting to pull in steady jobs again, you're still in school, the kids are settling into a routine, but what happens if they fall out of that routine?" And then there was the deeper issue: his anxiety, his fear about pregnancy, the one that he had been trying so hard to overcome for her. One step forward, two steps back when they lost their friends and became the only support system for two kids that lost their parents, their whole world. But he didn't say it, ducking his gaze to the side, clearing his throat softly and continuing, "but I said we'd talk, so let's talk. We're talking, right?"

"Aw come on, I think I can find some ways to keep you up." A simple tease, it was important to keep their spark alive through the multitude of things they were currently tackling. They were good at juggling things, she really thought it was becoming a talent of theirs. Maybe it was why she had felt so ready to talk about a baby, not to mention, there was a pang that pulled at her heartstrings seeing her baby, the one that had made her a mother, slowly turning into this full blow, beautiful human being. She was becoming a head strong, protective, funny, wonderful little girl and part of her ached for those moments where she felt more needed. With Rosalyn now having Cienna she had that sense that she could handle more freedom, didn't need her mommy as much for the smaller things. Sure, she was four, of course she needed her but it was different now. "You say that as if it's a threat, I prefer promises." A soft giggle escaping the back of her throat. When she had finally worked up the courage to broach the subject his face had said it all, the implication that sure, he wanted to, but he didn't seem have any desire or excitement that actually really did, like he didn't crave it like a person craved air like Cordelia did. It stung when the mention of the kids were brought up, almost making her feel guilty for speaking her desires and needs into the world. Her hands dropped from his shoulders and she pulled back enough to let his hands slide from her waist. "What about the kids, they're adjusting, they're happy, we're figuring everything out. We're in a routine now, Shawn has come so far in the last few weeks. You.. you say you want this and I know you said we'd talk about this last year, and now in this new year but maybe I'm just... fooling myself." she said shaking her head and picking up a few things and bringing them into the kitchen, placing them on the counter and starting to run the water. There was no desire to go upstairs now, so washing dishes was the next best thing. Eyes prickling with tears she shook her head, every time she had attempted the subject it had gotten shut down and she just didn't feel like beating a dead horse that maybe was buried and in the grave before they had even married. She remembered couples made compromises now matter how painful but right at that moment she needed to just let her hands slip into the scalding hot water and scrub the dirt away.

[cagenewman]

Letting out a low laugh against her mouth as she said that the boys would be asleep before they knew it, he nuzzled his nose against hers and whispered, "I'm going to be asleep before you know it." Not actually, not when he had these moments to share with her. They were fewer, more far between right now. Although a sense of normalcy had slowly settled in over the house, it was still new, there were still things to navigate, stuff that needed figured out, and that meant that those stolen moments together were cherished even more, now. And if that meant that the stack of dirty dishes sat until the next day… no harm, no foul. "Careful, you start talking like that, and I'll be dragging you up the stairs," as though being told that he didn't have to do house work was an aphrodisiac. Then again, everything was. "Okay," the word left his mouth, drawn out, eyes narrowing curiously as he watched her face, arms moving so that he was holding her by the waist with both hands, doing the math in his head at the same time that she said the last part, unsure of what to say, how to react, because he had promised her. Many times over, figuring that after they wedding, life would be smooth, clear, easy gliding. And then life had other plans, and they were still rolling with those plans, and Cage… didn't know where that left this discussion. Didn't know how he felt. "I still want to," he began carefully, tongue darting out to wet his lips, "I just… the kids."

The birthday party for Rosalyn had gone off without a hitch. People dressed up in prince and princess costumes, a bunch of four and five year olds running around like crazy through their home while the two eldest boys attempted to wrangle them while being made to play princes. It had been perfect, seeing how happy everyone was, but there was this part of Cordelia that had started gnawing at her months ago, something Cage himself had promised they'd talk about in the new year when they had been close to their wedding day. "The boys will be asleep before you know it." They might have been teens but they had been surrounded with a bunch of kids who had made them run the gambit. Feeling his lips on hers she smiled, "Cleaning can wait till tomorrow, we're going nowhere until... at least noon." she said because she planned to relax. "I did, about something we've been talking about on and off for the last three years." she gently broached the subject, "And I know we pushed it off at the wedding time afterwards because of... everything." She didn't mind, she fully understood why they had. "But... I want to talk about, you know, finally trying for a baby." she murmured biting her lip a smile pulling to her lips. This was something they had continually been talking about for years, it wasn't a new conversation to them, it hadn't been brought on by anything special other than the promise of discussions in the new year. Settled, and they were. Well, more settled.