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wherethehellisderrymaine · 2 years ago

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February Wrap Up

Books: medieval mysteries leter’s to milena kimetsu no yaiba vol.8 the girl form the other side vol. 1 and 2 what if...?

Music flowers - miley cyrus bellissima - annalisa calm down - selena gomez and rema heartbeat - childish gambino cuando vale hacer el amor? - ysy a una noche en medellin - cris mj llamado de emergencia -daddy yankee adios - maria becerra marte - maria becerra felices x siempre - maria becerra corashe - nathy peluso a la orilla de la chimenea - joaquin sabina pa quererte - rels b yo primero - rels b quiero que me llames - conociendo rusia la cancion - bruno borlone lost - linkin park helpless - john mayer all for nothing - eddie benjamin entre dos aguas - paco de lucia esa carita que me llevas - locoplaya coco - el dog me libere - el gran combo de puerto rico hope - FN ring of past - men i trust i love you - walters strawberry blond - mitski a little more time - role model wish on an eyelash pt.2 - mallrat and the chainsmokers

Events

01: me sigo sintiendo del orto. hago cosas para mí pero no puedo dormir y cuando como, todo me cae mal. lloro de la nada y siento un dolor como si me estrujaran el pecho. hable con él - me hizo bien.

02: valeria me banco en la decision de intentarlo. todo es un sacrificio, nada nos asegura que va a salir bien o mal, nadie nos apura a nada; pero yo al menos lo necesito. no puedo alejarme o decidir no verlo más asi sin más. lo que “deberia” hacer es relativo. desde afuera es facil ver la “mejor eleccion” pero desde adentro, con mi experiencia y mis sentimientos y mi voluntad, soy yo la que juzga lo que es mejor para mí. encima de eso, somos dos en esto. si vamos a intentarlo, los dos vamos a tener uqe trabajar juntos, y si no vamos a intentarlo, los dos tenemos que tener en claro lo que eso implica.

03: polenta?

ansiedad de pensar que lucho puede volver a confundirse o a sentir cosas por otra chica y que yo no le voy a ser suficiente.estaria totalmente bien eso, pero me da miedo perderlo. no estoy lista para sacarlo de mi vida y dejar de amarlo. terapia - me ayudo a calmarme y a no sentirme culpable por mis decisiones cena con él y la polenta estuvo bueno aunque por momentos me vienen pensamientos feos a la cabeza y lo ataco, o me ataco a mí.

04: carrera de él - me gustó acompañarlo pero me destruyo el verla a ella cuando pasamos por el condor. sigo sintiendome inferior, como si fuera el hazme reir de toda la situacion. la boluda a la que le pudieron mentir en el cara y encima vuelve. me desarma saber que pudo robarme la atencion de él .

05: ansiedad y triste sexting

06: vuelva al cem cena con él - pelea por celos y porque yo lo ataque - good sex

07: triggered bc he got drunk and that scares me bc i’m still hurt over what happened.

8, 9, 10 -- bad sleeping days. i have horrible nightmares all the time

11: TRIGGERING day : i don’t really want to go to this lunch with his family. i don’t feel close to him lately. it’s like there is a vail between us. there are moments where i feel like everytihng is ok but then, all of a sudden, i don’t see him. i just see the guy who lied to me and broke our trust. i know i am responsible for some of that, but i don’t love him unconditionally like i did before and i’m scared that i never will get back to it. i don’t know why i’m going... i guess i’m trying to prove something ???))) i dont’ know. but i’m triggered already and i’m crying and i feel like vomiting update: i got drunk and insulted him the entire day. i’m the worst and i hate myself.

many days went by. i still felt anxious, sad, insecure and attacked him for “wanting” another girl.

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17 and 18: we went camping and that helped me a little to disconnect from everything. i came to terms with the fact that he is choosing me and tolerating my comments, when he DOESN’T deserve that. i want to be happy with him and make him happy. all of us like being liked and i trully believe he doesn’t want anything with her. he wouldn’t be with he if he liked her. it still hurts me to remember that he went after her but i have to let it go. if he ever wants anyone else other that me, he’ll tell me and i’ll have to let him go. during the camping he said: “i’m done worrying about what is wrong or what else can I do to make you happy; I’m just gonna enjoy you as much as i can untill you decide to leave me.” i don’t want to leave him. i love him. i’m still sad but i’m willing to fight my dark mind to be better with him.

20: run 5km in 25 min, my personal best so far. I haven’t run in like 6 days. i’ve been doing other types of exercise and i felt sick a couple of days ago, so i’m proud of having run this good today. make dinner for him - “date” -- empanadas de carne cortada a cuchillo, tiramisu and picada lucho got rings for us. it’s a little weird for me but i like it. i don’t know if to use it or not yet... i feel strange

21: i missed him so i went to visit him at work after a month. i was nervous but i felt good going. i still think about her and i feel like i “need” to see her to “understand” why he liked him, but at the same time i’m TERRIFIED of seeing her again, ever. aaand i know he doesn’t like her, it’s just i still allow her to have that power.

22: he is sick so i went to take care of him after work i had nightamres about men who got into my house to kidnap me and rape me.

23:i woke up feeling tired but wanting to have a day for myself i’m going to the museum alone to enjoy it and take pictures also i’m going to meet with lari and cati - i ended up leaving sad bc lari doesn’t really support me on my relationship and that hurts. lari is moving to miramar with ori TODAY I FEEL JEALOUS. sometimes i go over her twitter account and I remmeber that she is cool and fun and sexual and that my boyfriend liked that A MONTH AGO. i want to be happy with him and we are getting better but I still can’t forget about what happened.

24,25: days wtih him. he was still sick but then got better. we had burgers and watched the lord od the rings. i lovd being able to share that with him then we went to his friend’s birthday. i wasn’t too anxious which was great, but after having a few drinks, i realized i started making mean comments about what had happened. i still have to control myself and work on that.

26: i’m sad. it still hurts me that he wanted to be with someone else. i know he is choosing me know, and that i was also a little shit by reading his messages, but i can’t get over the fact the lied to me and he went after another girl. i trust him now but i don’t know if i’ll be able to forgive/forget.

i’m just sad and my heart hurts and there is nothing nobody can do for me. i have to figure myself out.

27:still sad and he’s mad at my world, with reasons. i just want to be happy with him and make him happy. i’m hurting him when that’s the LAST thing i want to do. I can’t stand being like his ex. i can’t stand feeling like our love is not as strong as it used to be.

I need to leave behind the pain of knowing that he wanted “to play” with someone else but I cannot believe that still. It’s hard for me to move on because he’s been chasing her for weeks, he talked to her like he used to talk to me when he was starting to date me. that hurts SO BAD. it literally feels like someone is crashing my heart and it physically hurts and i just want to cry. it’s an instant reaction. that’s why i still make AWFUL comments when I cannot control myself because I still have a lot of shitty feelings inside of me.

I need to believe him but I don’t. not yet and that’s sad and painful for the both of us. i’m too broken inside.

28: taking a day for myself again. focusing on me is what makes me less anxious. i need to learn how to be without him for the both of us’ sake. i wanna have my little projects and do them without him. i wanna run, train, paint, read and cook more; challenge myself at work; visit my friends; save money; learn to drive and move out alone. i’ll make a new tab for this year. he will be a complement of all of that if we are still a couple; but in case we aren’t, I cannot get as low as I did one month ago. I won’t. i’m hopeful bc a month ago i was DEEP in the shit and, even though i’m sad now, i’m not as bad as back then. I hope that in time, we get to be the couple we used to be, or even better after learning about our faults and working on them together.

pensamiento toxico del dia: estoy queriendo hacer algo romantico al buscar niestroas primeras conversaciones. para eso estoy pasando por todo el historial de instagramy recien caigo en que posiblemente estaba confundido y jugando con ella cuando me vino a hacer compañia a casa. porque dijo que estaba confundio hacia como una semana...??? y los mensajes fueron 10 dias despues de que mis viejos volvieran... Hum... me siento una pelotuda. Yo jugando a la casita y él queriendo abrazar a otra. Lovely.

Cómo me cuesta soltarrrr, lpm. Soy una mierda.

update: lei nuestros primeros chats y posteos que hice sobre él acá. de verdad quiero perder todo eso por mi trauma/dolor?? si lo dejo, eventualmente voy a estar bien sin él pero no quiero. entonces por qué no puedo estar bien con él? ya lo dije mil veces pero tengo que perdonar y confiar. sí, nos traicionamos los dos, pero si lo estamos pasando mal ahora es porque esperamos poder mejorar juntos y yo no estoy ayudando mucho ultimamente.

tengo que parar. puedo estar triste y sentirme insegura, eso no va a desaparecer rapidamente. el cambio de mentalidad es un proceso lento pero tengo que dar realmente lo mejor de mí. tengo que dejar de estar tan mal y de tener tantos bajones porque le estoy haciendo mal a él y lo voy a perder por mi culpa.

#tuentitri

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