#coraline was a bedtime book which is why he's Like That...
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thinking about how xavier was raised on shit like puppet master, hellraiser and atla like.... it really does explain a lot about him....
#headcanons / ooc.#his mom really said we're a syfy channel and cartoons household from day one and vincent just went with it#coraline was a bedtime book which is why he's Like That...#the cover to coraline changed his psychology lol#dark crystal is a childhood fave of his for the nostalgia and mom memories
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dedicated to my absolute storm of a day today
Today was one of those days where nothing stopped.
For the first time ever, all three of Steve and Eddie’s daughters are in different schools - Moe a freshman in high school, Robbie a sixth-grader at the middle school, and Hazel still at the elementary school in fourth grade, so their morning is non-stop from when Moe has to be up if she’s gonna get out the door in time to make the school bus (which is 5:30, meaning that Steve and Ed need to be up at 5:30 to make sure that she’s up at 5:30) all the way to when Hazel gets on her own bus at 7:45.
Most of the time, Hazel’s bus pulling away leads to a brief moment of respite for Steve and Eddie before their own days have to continue, just enough time for them to take a breather and spend a second together just the two of them and maybe make out against the kitchen counter like they’re twenty-six and had just started dating instead of nearly fifty and married for over a decade.
That day, though, Steve has a client for a therapy session at 8am (the first for a day of back-to-back-to-back sessions), so he’s out the door even before Robbie is on her bus, and then Eddie has to drive into Boston for a meeting about his book that he’s trying to get made into a movie (an animation of some kind, he’s thinking, stop-motion ideally like Coraline or Nightmare Before Christmas), and while he’s on his way back home, he gets a call from the elementary school that Hazel is sick and needs to be picked up (goddamn flu season), and by the time he picks her up and brings her home, Moe is out of school needing a ride to her club basketball practice, and Steve’s work day wraps up just in time to get Robbie to her violin lesson (he picks Moe up from basketball on their way back), and even once they’re all home again, it’s still a whirlwind of getting dinner on the table while making sure all the girls get their homework done and instruments practiced, and keeping an eye on Hazel who is either “sick” or “not sick” when it serves her to be so (she’s sick when homework time begins, not so sick anymore when the baskets of Halloween candy are brought out of their hiding spot as a treat after dinner), before they’re getting Hazel and Robbie corralled upstairs for bedtime and making sure Moe is making her own progress in that regard, and then once the girls are all tucked soundly into bed for the night, Steve and Eddie still have to clean up the kitchen and prep for the next day’s mayhem and get themselves ready for bed, and in the end, it’s not until Eddie is sliding into bed beside Steve that they’re to exchange anything more than a glance.
“Thought about you all day today, Stevie,” Eddie says with a grin as he tugs him in close.
Steve hums his agreement, shuffling until he’s sitting in the space between Eddie’s legs, his back against his husband’s chest.
“How was the meeting?” he asks him.
“Doesn’t matter,” Ed shakes his head, “Ask me tomorrow. Just hold me.”
“You’re holding me.”
“Shut up.”
Ed wraps his arms around Steve’s middle, slipping a hand underneath his t-shirt to splay over his stomach.
Steve tips his head back against Eddie’s shoulder, relishing in the way Eddie is holding him – his grip just firm enough to feel secure and safe, tight in a covetous way, a way that says that Steve is his.
Steve likes being Eddie’s. Something about it has his heart swooping even all these years later.
The love between him and Eddie is the old kind of love now. Not old as in old news, but old as in worn-in and reliable and familiar and comfortable. It’s the kind of love he’d been aching for when he was younger, the kind of love that has him knowing exactly why it didn’t work out with all the other people he’d dated before.
“I love you so damn much, Stevie,” Eddie tells him, ”I’m just as obsessed with you today as I was twenty years ago.”
“I know – crazy, right?”
Eddie shakes his head again, “Inevitable. Just wanted to say it before it slipped through the cracks.”
Steve nods, but doesn’t say anything more, content to bask in a rare moment of peace and quiet with Eddie – his husband, his person, the love of his life.
Eddie presses a kiss to the side of his neck, blunt nails idling dragging back and forth over Steve’s soft stomach.
The moment is fleeting, as they tend to be these days, because Hazel calls for them from her bedroom saying that her tummy hurts.
Steve groans and moves to get up, but Eddie tightens his arms around Steve.
“She’ll be fine. Nine is definitely old enough to learn how to puke and rally.”
“Definitely,” Steve agrees as he pulls himself out of Eddie’s hold.
#steve had thought his days of holding girls’ hair back while they puked was long over#but then he had three daughters and sent them to public school and proved himself wrong#steddie#steddie dads#liv’s steddie dads verse#steve harrington#eddie munson#just to be clear i'm not anti-public school#children are just germ factories
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Into the Unknown Part 4 Chapter 1
Into the Unknown
Fandom: Undertale, Coraline (book), Over the Garden Wall, Paranorman, Gravity Falls (season 2)
Characters: Frisk, Norman B., Dipper P., Mabel P., Coraline J., Wirt, Greg, the Cat, the Frog; Sans, Toriel, Papyrus, Undyne, Alphys, Asgore,; the Other Mother, the Beast, Agatha P., Bill Cipher, Asriel D., Chara D.,
Pairings: Not the focus. Alphys/Undyne, with mentions of Papyrus/Mettaton, sans/Toriel/Asgore, and Wirt/Sara. Due to the nature of Undertale and the dating segments, there is also interpretable Papyrus/Wirt, Undyne/Mabel, Alphys/Dipper, Napstablook/Norman, Mettaton/Norman, Mettaton/Mabel, Sans/Dipper, Sans/Norman, and Sans/Greg.
Rated a high +K for violence, mild language, horrific elements that may be disturbing to younger readers, mentions of child abuse and bullying, character death that is sometimes permanent, and mentions of suicide that may be triggering. These elements remain relatively unchanged from their source material, which most all are for children, but discretion is advised nonetheless.
Disclaimer: Undertale was created and owned by Toby Fox. Coraline was created by Neil Gaiman and owned by Bloomsbury and Laika. Over the Garden Wall was created by Patrick McHale and owned by Cartoon Network. Paranorman was created by Sam Fell and Chris Butler and owned by Laika. Gravity Falls was created by Alex Hirsch and owned by Disney. Any other work mentioned or homage are property of their respective owners. This is a fan-made, nonprofit work that only seeks to entertain. Please support the original franchises.
“so I’m a sentry in snowdin forest, right? I sit out there and I watch for humans. it’s kind of boring. fortunately, in the forest, there’s this HUGE locked door. and it’s perfect for practicing knock-knock jokes. so one day, I’m knocking ‘em out, like usual. I knock on the door and say ‘knock knock’. and suddenly, from the other side…I hear a woman��s voice.
“‘who is there?’ so, naturally, I respond. ‘dishes.’ ‘dishes who?’ ‘dishes is a very bad joke.’ Then she just howls with laughter. like it’s the best joke she’s heard in a hundred years. so I keep ‘em coming, and she keeps laughing. she’s the best audience I’ve ever had. then, after a dozen of ‘em, SHE knocks and says ‘Knock knock!’ I say, ‘whos there?’ ‘old lady!’ ‘old lady who?’ ‘Oh! I did not know you could yodel!’
“wow. needless to say, this woman was extremely good. we kept telling each other jokes for hours. eventually, I had to leave. Papyrus gets kind of cranky without his bedtime story. but she told me to come by again, and so I did. then I did again. it’s kind of a thing now.”
The human is still listening, eyes wide and mouth full of burg. Its LV is at 5, meaning it’s still definitely a murderer. But it’s hard to remember that after seeing it pass through the puzzles his bro set up with a smile on its face, watch it engage with them. Watch it Spare.
“one day, though, I notice she wasn’t laughing as much. I asked her what was up. then she told me something strange. ‘if a human ever comes through this door…could you please, please promise me something? watch over them, and protect them, will you not?’ now, I hate making promises. and this woman, I don’t even know her name. but, someone who sincerely loves bad jokes…has an integrity you can’t say no to.”
He doesn’t know what he’s thinking. He can’t shake the boat in a meaningful way; everything is on a schedule, and nothing he does changes. But he has to know.
“do you get what I’m saying? That promise I made to her…do you know what would have happened if she hadn’t said anything? buddy…
You’d be dead where you stand.”
He didn’t mean to speak so forcefully; slip out of his font and use the tone he uses when he Judges. But the effect is immediate. The human’s eyes widen in fear and it runs still.
In a way, that’s all the answer he needs.
But then it starts crying. The other occupants of Grillby’s start to look at them, and he squirms under the attention. It raises its hands and starts to move them. It’s crude Hands, not helped by how much it’s trembling. He manages to get most of it.
Didn’t mean—accident—thought she would stop—didn’t know—not me—not myself--
How old was this kid anyway? It’s shorter than he is, and that’s saying something. Their hands shake too much and there are bruises on their legs and under their sweater. Old enough to kill? You don’t commit genocide on accident, but if they were half as upset about it then as they were now…
What did they mean by not myself?
I’ll fix, they sign. I’ll go back and save her. I promise.
*RESET
He sees it that time. The world stops. He watches it move backwards, like someone were rewinding a tape.
sans wakes up in his bed, like he always does. Usually, it takes him a long time to gather up the energy to restart the timeline again. He’ll lie in bed until Papyrus wakes him up and demands he go to work, and sometimes after that. This time, however, he jumps out of bed and makes some corrections to his notebook.
don’t trust them
Four are the Stars An Undertale/Gravity Falls crossover By the Poor Sap Advocate
Chapter 1
“How’d you think we ended up down here?” Dipper asked as he looked around.
“We fell, of course,” said Mabel, who was in the middle of making herself a daisy chain out of the more squished golden flowers. She gestured upwards, where just the faintest glint of blue skies and sunlight could be seen.
“Do you remember falling down somewhere?”
“Nope!”
“I don’t remember Gravity Falls having any mountains big enough for…this,” said Dipper.
He tried thinking back to what happened. He remembered Mabel was planning a party for the reopening of the Mystery Shack, they were hanging out in the gift shop…flashes of red and blue…then nothing.
“And how are these flowers growing, anyway? There’s like no sunlight down here!”
Mabel looked back down at her daisy chain in confusion.
“Do you still have your grappling hook?” Dipper asked. “Maybe we can—”
Mabel was in the air before he could even finish that sentence. She loved using the grappling hook, especially when she had a legitimate reason to use it.
Mabel scaled upward towards the highest ridge of the cliff. She grabbed onto the ridge with one hand, then jumped as she tried to grab the ledge above. Her hand stop on the sky. There was a loud booming noise, as though someone has struck a gong. The sky began to ripple like waves in a lake.
Mabel tumbled back down onto the golden flowers.
“MABEL!”
“What was that?” Mabel said as she sat back up, as though nothing had happened. “It feels like I just ran into a wall.”
Dipper’s mind started racing. There was something at the top of the mountain, something not normal. More Gravity Falls weirdness to investigate.
He took another look at Mabel and the distance she fell, and decided he would investigate it once they were looking down at it again.
“There’s a cave this way,” said Dipper. “We can probably hike our way down from here and see if there’s another entrance that’s not blocked by paranormal entities.”
Mabel pulled herself off the ground and dusted herself off. “You lead the way, bro!”
She had a new sweater on, a blue and violet striped design with a red heart in the middle. And for some reason, it felt very familiar to Dipper.
Frisk found themselves in the woods once again.
It was not the Unknown again, they put together quickly. It felt too…different. In fact, if it weren’t for the heat and the sun above, they could have thought they had made it back to the forests in Snowdin. It felt like magic was in the air.
Another thing different from the Unknown was how quickly they were able to find humans. And how many there were in one place. The sounds of crowds and traffic were audible within seconds, and they wandered towards its source.
It was hard to describe what they found. It was less of a house and more of a hovel.
“Alright, step right this way! The first tour of the new and improved Mystery Shack!”
The Cat wouldn’t be able to find them for a while. They could kill time, at least. Frisk wandered into the group and hid behind legs.
They were actually surprised that they were found so quickly. The Mystery Man leaned close to them, one eye inspecting them closely.
“Don’t think I didn’t see ya sneak in, kid,” he said. “Your parents in this group?”
They shook their head and shrugged.
“You gonna pay your way in yourself?”
They had to dig through their pockets a bit, but they managed to find a gold coin from the Underground and handed it to him. What shock he had that a child was carrying gold wore off on him quickly. He inspected it carefully, even going so far as to biting on it, before deciding he was satisfied and turned back to them.
“I don’t see too many kids with solid gold on them,” said the Mystery Man.
Frisk responded by giving him another gold coin.
“Good answer! Right this way, kid!”
Dipper took a step, and fell through the floor.
This was about the fourth time he had done that, and frankly it stopped being funny after the second. Mabel propped herself up on the pedestal and waited for him to come back.
“Hey, Froggit, you’re looking good today!” She called.
The Froggit in question gave an embarrassed burble, dropped a few gold coins, and hopped on its way.
“Why do they have so many puzzles leading up to their house?” Dipper asked as he emerged from the vent system.
“Maybe it’s a monster thing,” said Mabel. “Did the journal have anything about a kingdom of monsters?”
“Not that I remember,” said Dipper. “I just wish Grunkle Stan had given the journal back before all this happened.”
He took another step, and fell through.
Mabel took a bite out of the spider doughnut.
“Ew…crunchy…”
Dipper tumbled back upstairs.
“No journal’s gonna make you good at puzzles, bro,” said Mabel.
“The answer’s down there,” said Dipper. “I just can’t remember it all the way. Here’s another question: why would monsters have puzzles that are so easy to solve?”
“Maybe they’re just waiting for a stupid enough human to solve them,”
“They wouldn’t be waiting for human down here.”
“Toriel was.”
“And you trust her?”
“What?” Mabel asked. “She’s a delightful goat mother, how suspicious can you be of her?”
“I’m just saying,” said Dipper. “We’re stuck in the land of monsters, you were literally bounced off a shield preventing us from escaping, I almost got killed by a flower, and there’s this nice old goat woman who wants us to be her children.”
“You’re just being over-suspicious. She’s perfectly fine!”
“There is something I must do,” said Toriel. “Please stay here.”
She put her book down and made a beeline for the staircase. Dipper’s blood ran cold.
“…perfectly fine….” Said Mabel.
“We’re going,” said Dipper, already running to catch up with Toriel.
“That was a pretty cool snail fact though!”
It was hard to describe the Mystery Shack. If Frisk had to, they would say it was not worth the 2G. The decorations were fake; some insulting so, and some just insulting. The real mystery of the mystery shack was how readily everyone bought it.
They exited through the gift shop, fitting considering the rest of the tour, bought a map of the area with what gold they had left, and returned to the woods.
They had hiked through the forest long enough that they were decently hidden when it started to get dark. The Mystery Man may have taken their gold, but it was unlikely that anyone else would.
There was still no sign of the Cat.
Once they found a clearing far enough away that they wouldn’t be spotted, they curled in on themselves and fell asleep.
They were only asleep for about an hour when they woke up to the sounds of the Cat’s low growl.
He stood in front of them, ready to pounce. His eyes were focused on the bush in front of him, so much so that Frisk wondered if he could even see them. When they shifted and waved at him, he jumped into the bushes.
A very human-sounding voice screamed out.
It took Frisk a few tries of trying to grab him and pulling his tail to get the Cat to withdraw from the bush. Something was in its mouth. No...someone. They were humanoid, barely the length of Frisk’s arm. Most of their hair was tucked under a red cone of a hat.
It was some kind of monster, Frisk realized. A gnome, if they had to guess.
Frisk looked to the Cat disapprovingly. The Cat rolled its eyes, but put the gnome down all the same.
The gnome didn’t respond. It ran past before Frisk could ask it any more questions.
The Cat said something, complaining about the gnomes trying to capture him and ride him into battle, but Frisk was only half paying attention. There was magic in these woods.
Author’s Note:
#fic#Into the Unknown#Undertale#Gravity Falls#sans#Frisk#Dipper Pines#Mabel Pines#Stan Pines#toriel#the Cat#featured
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Recent Reading
Neil Gaiman - Coraline [graphic novel]
It’s been a while between my reading this book and writing this annotation, but I remember thinking this was my favourite version of this story, ahead of the novel and the animated film. I can’t remember the specifics, but I feel like I thought some of plot elements and characterisations were fleshed out more effectively in this adaptation. I love the line about how “The sky had never seemed so sky, the world had never seemed so world.” There’s actually a similar line towards the end of American Gods...
Neil Gaiman - American Gods
I started reading this one while travelling, which felt very surreal; despite it’s seemingly anachronistic title, this is a novel that captures the feeling of being propelled into the future. Simultaneously, this is also a story about the lingering presence of the past. They way these two ideas are synthesised together feels true - it’s a story about survival. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I keep thinking about it, and I treasure the book for this reason.
Neil Gaiman - The Graveyard Book
This one is more of a children’s book -- perhaps similarly as scary as The Hobbit? It’s been a while since I read The Hobbit. Nonetheless, I particularly enjoyed the personification of death as The Lady on the Grey -- my own childhood would likely have been less terrifying if I had bee introduced to more ways of thinking about death as a compassionate character.
Mary Shelley - Frankenstein; or, the Modern Prometheus
This was the first literary novel that I ever read, back in middle school. I fell in love with the language -- and the darkness too, probably. Since I’ll likely be teaching with this novel next year, I wanted to revisit the world of Viktor Frankenstein and his creation. However, as I was pressed for time, I listened to an abridged audiobook, narrated by Kenneth Branagh. And it was great! I think the first-person, epistolary nature of the novel translates tremendously well into an oral context. I wish I could say the same for Branagh’s film adaptation, although Deniro as the monster is compelling. Anyway, I was particularly moved by the reoccurring idea of friendship in the novel, which was something I hadn’t noticed before. There is something so lonely and lovely about writing letters.
Camille Bordas - How to Behave in a Crowd
Like many others, I struggle to find the time to enjoy the short fiction published in The New Yorker. To be honest, I struggle to even find the time to listen to the podcast versions. However, one of the short stories that I have actually read -- and since listened to again and again -- is The State of Nature by Camille Bordas. I find her writing to be both immensely humorous and sobering, and How to Behave in a Crowd delivers in both respects. She’s often been compared to Salinger, although her work seems to possess much more of a sociological, rather than spiritual, emphasis; she’s referenced Garfinkel and Goffman’s studies as influences, whose work I look forward to exploring. It’s been a while since I studied French, but I’m considering brushing up on my comprehension to try reading her as-yet-untranslated earlier novels, too; I am very excited to read more from Bordas. She has two other short stories published in The New Yorker, although I haven’t read the most recent one yet.
Min Jin Lee - Pachinko
Read this one for a book club, but didn’t get to finish it in time. Subsequently, I was made aware of the major plot (in the loosest sense of the word) developments before finishing it myself. I still found it to be a moving story about family, identity, and assimilation, and appreciated the opportunity to learn about the experiences of Koreans in Japan -- albeit through a fictionalised perspective. I honestly don’t have such to say about this one, other than to say that the prose is easy to read (backhanded compliment?) and I wanted to be more affected by the ending (perhaps my heart is cold and withered, although I did find other points of the story appropriately devastating). Speaking of accessibility and endings...
George R. R. Martin - Fire and Blood
I promised myself I wouldn’t read this. Five novels about Westeros was enough, I reasoned; there are other worlds to explore, including the one I actually live in. But then Season 8 of Game of Thrones happened. It wrapped up with all this talk of ‘breaking the wheel’ and I needed context. What was the wheel, exactly? Why, specifically, would characters in that world believe it needs to be broken? Just how unprecedented are the events depicted in the finale? So I turned to Fire and Blood for answers. I’m not sure if I found them -- or that Martin necessarily did as he was writing this fictional history of a continent, either -- but it proved to be surprisingly accessible and enjoyable bedtime reading. Someone please stop me if I ever express interest in reading The Silmarillion, though.
Louis Theroux - The Call of the Weird: Travels in American Subcultures
Another audio book! I basically just wanted to listen to someone with a mellifluous British accent speak for an extended period of time. Unsurprisingly, the essays are also great -- there’s a few really memorable final lines. However, I was uncomfortable with the way that Theroux caricatured the speech of his interview subjects. It seemed condescending and demeaning at times, a far cry from his usually humanist and compassionate approach. Weird indeed.
A. O. Scott - Better Living Through Criticism
Heckling isn’t something I’ve ever imagined myself doing, but I almost shouted at a comedian after reading this book. The guy was dragging everyone through this extended bit about reviewers and criticism that was reductionist and seemed misinformed. “But Ronny,” I wanted to offer, “good criticism is art!” It’s like when you believe broccoli tastes gross, but you’ve just never tasted a nice, fresh bunch, you know? Anyway, because I’m a not total idiot, I didn’t say anything -- which comedian has that bit about their doctor asking for a joke, and wanting to say that they will tell this story on stage and this will be the joke? Is this similar, even a little? Not really, I guess. I’m really grateful for this book.
Nick Hornby - Fever Pitch
I am trying my hardest to understand why people like sport. This book has been helpful. It’s very episodical, which can make for a choppy reading experience, but there’s enough genuine insight -- less about sport, and more about being an obsessive person, and just living in general -- to keep me turning the pages. It’s certainly a quieter way to research than sitting in a stadium.
#Reading#Lists#Neil Gaiman#Nick Hornby#George R R Martin#Min Jin Lee#Camille Bordas#Mary Shelley#Louis Theroux
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GRU, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORON (or, a review on Despicable Me 2)
Since a lot of people have been asking me my opinion (and let me start this off by saying that yes, I did like the movie so please keep that in mind) I finally took the time to write down my thoughts on the second movie in Illumination’s blockbuster hit of its Despicable Me series.
So, what are my thoughts?
Beyond a shred of doubt, I am absolutely certain that this movie was not as good as the first one. And why might that be? I wanted to do a huge rant about this and that and such and such and go on and on about writing and symbolism and everything big and boring, but really, it can all be summed up in one simple answer:
The storylines are separate.
The reason why the first movie worked so well was because two different stories, each containing a character or group of characters, (in this case, Gru and the girls) battled against one another in order to become one cohesive storyline.
And in the end, they did that! They became one story. The girls got a dad, the dad got daughters, and it was all wrapped up. The plots worked, the writing was, while not without flaws, neatly organized, and everything was handled well.
In Despicable Me 2, this was not the case.
First of all, there are way too many stories going on. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, let me show you.
Despicable Me (The First)
The Girls
Gru
Plan to take the moon
Parenthood
The main villain in the story didn’t even have a plot. He blended seamlessly into Gru’s plotline.
Now look at this.
Despicable Me 2
The Girls
Gru
Lucy
The Mall
The Serum
The hot topic generic boyfriend
The villain
The spy gig
Gru+Lucy
Nefario
The motherfucking Minions (tell me why they got their own plot again!?)
That’s 11, ELEVEN, plots minimum going on in this movie. And most of them do not actually end up meeting in the middle.
Simplicity is what makes for a good story. Characters are driven by goals and, succeed or not, they cannot be driven from them. This movie had no goals because each and every character had a goal.
Wanna know why Up worked? Because Carl had a goal, Russel helped him achieve it, and the rest of the characters were a part of the process that distracted and challenged him while he kept trying to continue.
Toy Story?
Two toys with different goals end up ultimately on the same path to reach the same conclusion.
Twilight even had a fucking goal! That’s why it worked! Even if I didn’t like it, it still had its shit together.
Bella has a goal. Edward does too. They work against each other but ultimately end up falling in love and therefore end up on the same track. The family is included to an extent, Jacob is the obstacle, and by the end, they're part of the same storyline.
Despicable Me 2 made me use Twilight as an example.
TWILIGHT.
Gru and Lucy? They BARELY meet the girls’ plot line. In fact, Lucy only sees the girls TWICE in the movie. Once in the mall and once at the fucking WEDDING. TWICE! IN THE WHOLE. ENTIRE. MOVIE! And while the plot of the last film was about Gru and his daughters (that’s right, remember that? He’s a FATHER!? Don’t worry if you didn’t remember. I forgot once in a while too...) this one focuses so much on Gru and Lucy that it actually sort of forgets itself!
THEY ARE A CRUCIAL PART OF HIS CHARACTER.
AND THAT WAS FUCKING LEFT OUT!
What if you’d done that in, let’s say, Coraline. The movie, not the book (though you should read it it’s so fucking great). If you’d just, I don’t know, left the Other Mother out. What if she only appeared twice and it was all just a way for Coraline to discover her true affections for that weird kid that wasn’t in the book.
You would have hated that movie.
Because the Other Mother is crucial to her development as a character. So much so that she’s often times identified by that relationship. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a good thing. Her goal is to sever that relationship in order to form her own identity. And she does.
They apparently forgot that relationships and character identity through interaction is a thing in this film...
Did you at all notice that the only scenes with Gru and the girls ACTIVELY together was at bedtime (no stories this time... wow... that whole plot point went out the window) and to talk about either dating or mothers.
So these girls have no substance other than to act like his personal fodder for dating. Wonderful. Just what a group of girls would do. You know. Besides school... playing... hanging out with friends... doing fun things... living life in general...
The writing focused so much on the relationship that it had no time to even present the other relationships that were crucial to Gru’s character.
Do you know HOW COOL it would have been to see Lucy hang out with ALL OF THEM!? To see a supervillain interacting with a group of KIDS!?
WHEN I FIRST HEARD THE BITS OF THE PLOT, I WAS SURE THAT THAT’S WHAT IT WOULD BE! That this agency was after Gru, and that they were sending their top agent to investigate, only to find out that he was actually not that bad, and that they could use him to help them thwart another villain! And everything is constantly interrupted by the fact that he has to get back to his kids!
HOW PERFECT WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN!?
SO. FUCKING. PERFECT.
But no. They gave us too many plots, too many characters, and too many relationships. And they tried too hard to give each and every one of these equal attention. Which isn’t possible. Only two are important. Lucy and Gu, and Gur and the Girls. And these two, like the movie before it, needed to find a way to merge.
And they didn’t.
And you know where this is most evident?
In the scene where Gru is saving Lucy on a fucking shark.
Look. I know that you’ve got the hots for this chick, Gru. I get it. Okay? Well... I don’t get it. But... whatever. You’ve got feelings. We’ve all got feelings for something. Personally, I’d do anything for my dog, my books, and my george foreman grill.
But are you forgetting one little thing?
Just one...
little...
thing...?
Oh that’s right.
You’re a single dad.
And up until about a year ago, your children were... what’s the word? It’s at the tip of my tongue! Oh drat my forgetful mind! What. could. it. be...
[Snap] I got it!
ORPHANS
THEY WERE ORPHANS, GRU
WHICH MEANS THEY HAD NO PARENTS
WHICH MEANS THEY WERE IN THE SYSTEM AFTER ALL THEIR PARENTS LEFT OR DIED.
WHICH IS NOW
who...
oh. right.
YOU, YA MORON.
When I saw this in theaters I almost threw my fucking popcorn at the screen. What was he thinking! Of course she’s important! But send the minions! Send Nefario! Send ANYONE ELSE.
BUT DO NOT. SAY. “WE’RE MIGHT NOT COME OUT OF THIS ALIVE” before asking this lady out and act like that’s the MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE
NO
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE IS THE CHILDREN WHO ARE WAITING ON THE GROUND FOR YOU TO QUITE POSSIBLY NOT COME BACK, INEVITABLY PUTTING THEM BACK INTO A HORRIBLE SYSTEM OF FOSTER CARE.
gru you absolute fucking moron.
Look. I loved this movie. I did. I thought it was funny. And well animated. And gorgeous to look at. The body diversity and colors were incredible and the movement and range of emotions and expressions were so much more fluid and well executed than the first. They really stepped up.
But bad writing is bad writing. And too many plots make for knots in the story. And this story had its knots.
I wish that it was different. But it wasn’t. So all I can hope for now is that the newest movie takes a breath, steps back, erases about ten million of the plots they might be ready to dump into their script, and figures out the best and most meaningful way to put a story together. Because oh boy... I do not want Gru or anyone else being part of a scene that has them leaving behind some kids and shrugging it off like it’s nothing ever again just because they want a ticket to Bone Town USA.
No. Fucking. Way.
Despicable Me, you’re still on my list of favorite franchises. But come up. You can do so much better than this.
#despicable me 2#oh my god this movie#I liked it#I did#but OH MAN#THAT ENDING THOUGH#I WANTED TO PUNCH A WALL#what are you THINKING#YOU LEFT YOUR CHILDREN BEHIND!?#THEY'RE FORMER ORPHANS GRU#FORMER#FUCKING#ORPHANS
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