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jade-elouiseconnolly · 8 years ago

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FAKING IT

I FEEL LIKE A FRAUD.

The reality of things: I am slumped here listening to a mixture of Mayday Parade’s saddest tracks (all of them) and drowning myself in cookie dough.

I surround myself with a bunch badass ladies who are so utterly unapologetic and strong; sometimes I even feel like I can slip that mask on and strut around not-giving-a-shit and ‘feelin’ myself’. But I’ll be honest, today I do not feel okay. I seem to go through these phases of spending a few days within my own solitude, wrapped up in my own thoughts, and it never seems to do me any good.

Overthinking. Overthinking. Overthinking.

Fat. Ugly. Tired. Lonely. Numb. And, all-round-rubbish.

I’ve been on a high for some time now, and it was kinda bound to come crashing down around me, right? Because that’s how life goes - we have our ups, and then we have our downs. We push ourselves and sometimes the universe doesn’t take the turn that we want it to. I’m continually writing things on here in aim to hopefully resonate with others and maybe comfort someone who needs it, but really.. that kind of just makes me think less about myself.

Despite being so open about mental illness and the personal things that I’ve struggled with, I’m nowhere near ‘cured’/‘over it’. Don’t get me wrong, I have those days when I’ll be like, “goddam, this is a new me - I’m so done with all that stuff” then all of a sudden it comes back and hits me round the face like a pillowcase filled with bars of soap. I try to keep that motivational, positive attitude that I preach about but sometimes you just have to accept that you’re having a shitty day. It’s days like today that I realise how difficult it can be to ‘not care’ about all the anxieties in my life, however gigantic or minuscule they might be.

Anxiety. Just having it, gives me it.

As people are beginning to talk more about it, and open up a little more, it’s becoming even easier for cynics to say; “it's all for attention”or “they’re just following the crowd”.

No.

To you I say, GET YOUR GODDAM HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS AND LOOK AT WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. If you look closely, you’d see a person who struggles with the simplest of tasks. Who can say why they wake up every morning with a feeling of crippling difficulty with seeing people out of fear of judgement. For me, the worst part of this is, if someone has openly stated to you that they endure this awful illness, they probably see you as someone exempt from the terrible parts of their brain that makes up imaginary consequences of their simple existence, and actually someone who provides a little comfort to their life.

Take another look at yourself, and not them.

You really do never know what’s hiding beneath that smile. Personally, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more open about my anxiety, as it’s something I have endured since around the age of 11. I’m not ashamed to say that I have a tough time some days. It doesn’t embarrass me to say that, at times I need a little help to remove the straw that I feel like I’m trying to breathe through. Since being honest about things with the people closest to me, I’ve discovered that I’m not alone. More often than not, your friends and family actually DO understand. Some of them may even relate. So why is it so taboo? Why do we skirt around these problems in our minds at any cost? Simple… Society tells us that we can’t talk about it. The irony of attempting to talk about anxiety is that it creates a level of anxiety that is fully capacitating and without compare. To open up to someone and show your inner bits, the gross, unattractive, scary bits, is well… Scary.

“What on earth would they think of me? Am I actually crazy!? Why does my mind do this? Why can’t I just be normal? What if I scare them? I don’t want them to worry about me. What if I make them feel like this?! I don’t want to make anyone feel like I do.”

Welcome to my daily thoughts.

Another reason why we tend to keep sh’tum is the genuine fear of hurting our loved ones. I kept the truth of it all locked down for YEARS. A part of me thought it was normal, until it became apparent that my peers didn’t seem to struggle with the same things that I did. I allowed these terrible feelings to build up inside me until they erupted in a way that no 14 year old could handle. After years of attempting to fight my demons, I eventually had to accept them. They were here for the long-haul, but I didn’t have to be ashamed of that. I learnt to live with them. No. I’m still learning to live with them. They’re difficult, but they’re there. (Just picture those little character’s from Inside Out - that shit is REAL!) They create scenarios that I cannot explain, and issues that are non-existent. They make me tired. They make me second-guess myself.

But, I AM realising something: The world doesn't happen to you... You simply exist amongst a world of happenings. YOU have the choice to allow things to ‘happen’ to you. Now, I know some things may be unavoidable - the loss of a loved one, for example - but you DO have a choice. You have the choice to decide how to deal with it. That thing that’s building on your blood pressure and making you crumble inside - you can choose to be stronger than it. You can CHOOSE to be bigger than it and not allow that thing to break you down. I say all of this, but I do also know that it’s easier said than done, but it can be done. I spend most of my days choosing to be stronger than the thoughts in my head, and my goodness it really does work. But sometimes it just piles up and you HAVE TO sit there in your bed, with a bowl of ice cream, watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and have a lil sob.

Hell, we’re not robots. We can’t ALWAYS be strong, can we?

I know that, to most onlookers who don’t know me personally, I can present myself as being ‘tough as nails’, sassy, even confident… but sometimes I’m not. I’m sensitive. EXTREMELY sensitive. I preach about girl-power, but at times my supposed girl-power can take the form of a two hour crying session watching The Notebook. *Today is one of those days*

So I’m going to give myself some advice for once.

You might be feeling crap, and you might not be ‘feelin’ yourself’, but you CAN do this. You can choose to. Get up, get dressed, be productive. Do that thing you’ve been planning on doing but you’ve been too busy to get it done. You’ll feel better if you put on some make up, do your hair - you might even like what you see. Tidy your room. Organise things. Tidy room, tidy mind and all that jazz.

Forcing on that bad-ass persona and getting shit done might just work. Faking it until you make it can actually do the trick.

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