#context: my office got a zojirushi

[hextual]

100% Done with white ppl who think it’s cute to exaggerate their inability to pronounce Asian-language words

like it’s one thing to actually struggle with pronunciation? it’s a totally different thing to make a big production like “look how hilariously I’m mangling this word, I’m such an endearingly relatable goof!”

[violetsystems]

#personal

I didn’t do much on my day off.  The landlord was around again.  There’s a couple of people moving in.  I don’t usually talk to my neighbors.  Somebody from my school lived in the front building for awhile.  We used to play Street Fighter regularly until they moved out.  These days people don’t ever leave me alone when I leave the house.  So in some ways, it’s a blessing in disguise.  My kitchen is like a fish bowl.  I pass the time by drinking coffee and playing Magic the Gathering against myself at the kitchen table.  Some people I play with regularly think that’s weird.  But nobody really ever texts me or invites me much to anything these days.  People are busy and often absorbed in their own lives.  When people do talk to me these days it’s incidents like yesterday afternoon.  Somebody with face tattoos asked me where the liquor store was.  I had to take the headphones off and focus for a minute.  I told them I didn’t drink anymore but the closest one the direction they were headed was near the train.  People ask for directions from me all the time.  There’s a sort of protocol to it.  You know when somebody is lost and when somebody is fishing for something.  Sometimes with me you know it’s always a little of both.  When I got back to my block a Mexican man flagged me down.  It was a little hard to understand but he wanted me to help him push his car to the gas station across the street.  I set my pink zojirushi container full of tea down on the ground behind me and pushed.  The lady in the SUV in the parking spot behind me was too busy filming me on her phone.  I think one of my new neighbors saw me as they passed by.  I knew it was going to take three people.  I knew I’d leave that up to the driver.  Finally he flagged down another Mexican guy from one of the cantinas on his way home from work.  In a matter of seconds we rolled the car all the way to the pump.  I waved and walked back to pick up my container of tea.  It had been rolled or knocked over and left on it’s side.  Bright pink staring back at me sadly.  I picked it up and walked home.  Some of my neighbors in the building were having a party.  I left the window open and watched infinity war again by myself on the couch.  Woke up to direct deposit and the best coffee I can possibly make.  I also woke up to myself again.  Though that is much more complex these days than it seems.  Which is evident by the rise in attention coupled with the fact nobody seems to be able to leave me alone.

Truthfully, this new chapter of my life is more about respect than it has been.  I run around the park in my neighborhood a lot.  That’s a very public space.  There’s a narrative going on in Chicago and America I think about public space and privacy.  Privacy comes down to respect.  If you know how it feels to be watched.  If you know how it feels to be analyzed and dissected by the court of public opinion every day.  If you know how it feels not to have a voice in anything year after year then you know the problem.  Inclusion isn’t rocket science.  Public space is an ecosystem just like privacy in America.  People ask a lot of me in public because they know I listen.  There’s varying amounts of situations I can attend to.  I ran almost nine miles in two days.  I ran five before work outside of my job before clocking into the office on Thursday.  These are things nobody else seems to choose to do or at least not with me.  Self respect is a very real thing that can slap you in the face.  There are some things that you really don’t deserve to happen to you in life.  These things are almost normalized into the collective mindset of American society.  We are addicted to convenience.  We don’t know how long things actually take.  How many ounces of coffee do you use per ten ounces of water?  We don’t even use the fucking metric system.  Americans are resistant to change and it shows.  They want to know every single thing about you without the context or the nuance.  When I travel to the south side or when I stay around my block, it’s very simple to me.  The people who most need me and interact with me are mostly people of color.  And in that sense there is a very definite aspect of class at play.  Regular people feel comfortable around me.  Mostly because I am a regular person.  When people talk to me I enjoy answering sometimes.  I don’t make the conversation about me.  I make it about the moment.  How are we going to get this car where you need to get it?  Is it possible?  Do I have the time?  My house is literally around the block.  I don’t do anything on Friday nights because nobody loves me.  Actually I don’t do anything on Friday nights because the person I’m in love with knows I’d rather be with them.  I have enough self respect after all these years to actually believe that.  Living with it and walking with it is a whole other thing entirely.

My mom being in the hospital has shown me a lot about how people care.  In an inclusive atmosphere people might understand how much I go through on a daily basis.  I consider Tumblr to be that inclusive.  The strength of this platform is kind of collective projection where we dream openly.  Everybody has different dreams.  I wouldn’t impede on anybody’s right to express them.  Sometimes I just prefer not to pay attention to certain content.  Sometimes I like to show my support for people’s humor or curation of things I respect and hold dear.  Sometimes I want to let people know I have dreams too.  Dreams that take work to achieve.  Hard work that nobody seems to see except the people that value what I contribute.  Sometimes thinking backwards helps you see what your strengths are.  I felt like the hulk moving that car.  Somebody obviously thought it was important enough to take video of.  More important to knock my drink over.  It’s a solid container.  It keeps beverages steaming for fucking hours.  Sometimes a little planning and focus makes the obstacles in your way sort of comedic.  How people desperate to set you up to prove a point end up doing something for you.  They prove to other people how superhuman your intentions are.  And they prove how you are more than capable of meeting the challenges at random.  Because you live your life with intention, care and tenderness.  You know when people feel left out.  You want to know how I know.  Because day after day people have isolated and tormented me.  Year after year people have straight up lied about me to the point where it’s morphed me into a legend.  People ignored and sidelined me because they couldn’t feel safe around somebody better than them.  They felt threatened.  They feel jealous.  They feel like I’m getting away with something.  And what I’ve been getting away with is living with love.  And unfortunately lashing out or reacting doesn’t do anything but cause more anger and hate.  The truth is I know who cares about me the most.  Love is knowing not a word you say out loud to impress your friends.  Nobody might ever know how much I love you.  But you always know how much it means to me to be able to love you.  I’ve learned and grown so much.  We both know I’ve grown too big to hide.  The good news is maybe one day we can hide in my apartment together.  These cats seem to think it’s a pretty good idea.  You should know by now at least I’d never hide my heart from you.  <3