#content warning for suicide talk; rape threats; death threats.

[allthesmutl0vers]

The Weight of Blood: Tom/Theo/Draco/Regulus/Fem!Reader (A/N--TW--Prologue)

NSFW,MDNI,18+,Triggering Content Masterlist Pairing: Tom Riddle/Theo Nott/Draco Malfoy/Regulus Black/Fem!Reader Comments and Reblogs are always appreciated. Summary: When students return to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for their final year, their biggest obstacle is passing their final exams. At least, that’s how it should be. But life has never been that easy for y/n. Between juggling the rocky, and some would say, an abusive relationship she has with one quidditch star, Cormac McLaggen, and cramming for her exams, she never finds the time to enjoy the things she loves. Ice skating, reading by the fire, riding a broom, or taking a walk through the forbidden forest to look for animals to capture with her camera. Little does she know, a storm is brewing. A storm that could rip away everything she holds dear, upending her life, even threatening to end it once and for all. A storm that is caused by the perceived weight her blood holds against those who hold the title weight, pure-blood. Being driven straight into the walls of the castle by four very handsome, very dangerous Slytherin boys. But will her being caught in the eyes of these boys be enough to change the direction of the wind? Or will they leave her to fight for herself in the eye of the storm?  Only time will tell.  If there is enough of it, at least.  “I wouldn’t call it love. I’d call it an obsession.” - Tom Riddle IMPORTANT NOTE: This is a DARK ROMANCE, please take a look at the trigger warnings, and make sure you are comfortable reading this story before you start it. This story may not be for everyone. This is a multi-part story. I will be updating it as well as 'Managing Mischief' (Weasley Twins/Fem!Reader) throughout the week. You can click below to read more. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Author’s Note

This story is a fan-fiction. I do not own any of the characters, places, or situations within this story besides those that I create. 

Please do not print, bind, or sell this work, as it would be an illegal act. Keep our writers and stories safe, legal, and free for all to enjoy. 

This is a dark romance. Some situations/actions may be triggering/unsuitable for some.

With all of that being said, please read the Content and trigger Warnings.

Your Mental Health Matters.

Domestic Violence Hotline: (Call) 800-799-723 (Text-BEGIN) to 88788

Suicide Prevention Hotline: (Text/Call) 988 

Self-Harm Hotline: (Call) 1-800-366-8288 (Text-CONNECT) to741741

Sexual-Assult Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

You are not alone. 

It is not your fault.

The world is better with you in it. 

My DMs are open if you need someone to talk to. Or simply someone to listen.

Content and Trigger Warnings

Abusive Relationship: Slapping, Non-Con Touching (mentioned only), Rape (mentioned only), Degradation (and not the kind we like), Humiliation, One On-Page Punch (past ones implied), Victim Blaming, Revenge Porn. 

Violence: Fist Fights, Magical Cursing, Blood, Attempted Drowning, Knife To Throat Threats

Character Death

Depression

Attempted Suicide 

Self-Harm

HEAVY Smut: One-On-One, Three, Four, and Fivesome scenes.

Heavy BDSM: Bondage, Magical Restraints, Spanking, Choking, Dom/Sub Relationships, Ownership Kink, Shared Ownership Kink, Sir Kink, Voyeurism/Exhibitionism, Semi-Public Sex, Primal Play, Knife Play, Blood Play, Marking/Branding Kinks, Orgasm Denial/Control, Edging, Overstimulation, Double Penetration, Anal Sex, Oral Sex (Male and Female Receiving), Breeding Kink. 

Found Family

Betrayal

Discrimination: Based on blood-status. 

Bullying

This story is Multi-POV, but primarily told from the Reader’s point of view.

Dedication

For all of us who have dreamed of being rescued, only to realize we had the power all along.

Prologue

Tom

Blood status amongst wizards and witches is the most powerful, most prominent, and most valuable thing we possess. Without it, how would we know who is worthy of our time? Or, more importantly, our loyalty.

Or so I’ve always been taught.

Even in the summer, the manor is dark, casting shadows along the cold corridors as we all gather for the first official meeting. Inside the grand dining room of Malfoy Manor, the parents are anxious, wondering if it’s a trap. Not that I blame them for keeping their children close to them. But those I have grown to think of as friends can handle their own. As they’ve proved not just their abilities, but their loyalty a hundred times over. 

My parents died long ago, not that I care. Why should I? I never met them. My father was a filthy muggle, and my mother a blood-traitor who died for love of all things. Not that anyone knows that. They couldn’t, and they never will. 

The door opens, and in walks our leader. The head of the charge against mud-bloods, is here to lead us into putting them in their rightful place, beneath our feet. Wirely and unruly black hair that hangs to her waist and long black robes that hang loosely around her frame, she steps up to the head of the table. 

“You may be seated,” she says calmly, but her tone is also commanding. Everyone sits down around the table, myself included. Not daring to speak, not daring to ask the first question. She takes a long sip of her wine before leaning on the table, propping herself on her elbows as her fingers interlock. 

“Firstly, I would like to thank you all for joining me here this evening. As I’m sure you are well aware, we are under attack,” she says stiffly. “Mud-bloods have never been more common than they are now. Threatening to throw everything we hold most dear out of order,” she looks around. “But no longer will we stand for it. No longer will we be seated at a table with those who don’t deserve to sit.”

“Hear, hear,” Mr. Nott says cheerfully, raising his now fourth glass of wine.

Bellatrix smiles and nods once. “Our biggest issue, as of now, is getting more people to come on board. These progressionistic,” she seethes. “People in the ministry and confirmed blood-traitors, are most unlikely to accept the eradication of muggle-born individuals. So, how do we combat this?” She asks openly. 

Lucius clears his throat. “May I suggest, instead of death, exile instead?” 

Stupid suggestion.

Bellatrix sits back in her seat as if pondering the ridiculous idea. “To allow them to continue mating and breeding on their own accord?” She says with a tone dripping in disappointment. “Free of any repercussions?” Lucius opens his mouth to speak again when she stops him, raising her hand. “Any other ideas?” 

“My lady,” Mrs. Nott speaks up, setting down her glass of wine. “Perhaps we re-visit the ideals and ideas of Grindelwald?” Bellatrix nods for her to continue. “It seems it would be much easier to control the mud-bloods, should we have the muggles fighting alongside us,” Almost everyone snickers at the idea. “As mundane and contradictory as it may seem, there are more muggles than us. Should we find some way to control them and will them to fight for us, we could overthrow the ministry. Implement our laws and ideals, then control everyone.”

Bit ambitious and a far stretch, but the idea is there. 

“Where is Grindelwald right now, Mrs. Nott?” Bellatrix asks simply. 

“Pardon?” Mrs. Nott asks with a confused expression. 

“Theodore,” Bellatrix turns to her son instead. “Remind your dear mother where Grindelwald is at present.” 

Theo clears his throat, sitting up straighter. “Azkaban, Ms. Lestrange,” he answers cooly. 

“Azkaban. That is correct,” she nods at Theo with a smile before turning to the rest of us. “I would like to remind everyone that muggles are not our concern. They are less than a speck of dirt. What we need to focus on is reestablishing pure-blood family lines. Now, how do we gain control without killing? Use your heads.” 

“Capture,” I answer calmly. 

“And then?” Bellatrix asks me with a smile. 

“Put them in their rightful place, of course. Serving us. Our every whim and desire,” I answer, taking a sip of my bourbon. 

Bellatrix smiles and nods. “Yes, yes. Make them fight for us, serve us,” she ponders. “Very good, Mr. Riddle. I wish the others at this table shared your common sense.” 

My chest swells with pride, but I keep my face collected. 

“Now, let’s talk strategy,” Bellatrix says cheerfully.

Part One

[thisblogisaboutabook]

Wicked Felina (The Girl That I Love)

Part 1 - El Paso

Azriel x Reader - Angst - Smut - MDNI

The darkness within her became his obsession. She was his. Didn’t she know? When Azriel spies his wicked mate with another male, when he kills that male, what he knows as life shifts eternally. No longer is there life. No longer is there death. There is only Felina. Felina who has many secrets.

Series Masterlist - Part 2

Warnings: threat of self-harm/suicide, assumed character death (you’ll see), implied rape/non-con (some gross, shitty males discussing it in a tavern), dub-con, violence, obsession, dark themes, sexual content

One hour ago

Rhysand

All Rhys knew was that when Azriel returned from what was supposed to be a short inspection of the Illyrian war camps, he was different. His shadows whirred violently; his eyes… there was a darkness in them that he’d not seen even within the depths of harrowing interrogations; and while his scent remained his usual cedar chilled mist an iron tang tinged it.

“Az?” Rhys asked cautiously, trailing his brother up the stairs

“Not now.” Azriel growled, clenched fists shaking, pupils blown wide, sweat beading his brow.

Rhys said nothing more, following the frantic male to his room. Well- until Azriel slammed the door shut in his face.

Message received.

A few minutes later, Azriel re-emerged into the living area, a packed duffel bag in tow.

“Az? Talk to me.” Rhys pleaded. Fighting against the urge to dive into his mind. Azriel’s shields were ironclad but Rhys could break through them if absolutely necessary.

“Just stop. I’m fine.” Azriel growled.

He sure as shit didn’t look fine.

“I need to go handle some personal things. I have never asked for leave for anything. Can you please just allow me a couple of weeks?”

The High Lord’s brows creased, voice raising “Weeks? With no provided reasoning?”

“I said that it was personal.”

“As your employer, I can accept that it’s personal. As your family, Az, come on. What happened?”

“I’m leaving whether you grant me this or not.”

Azriel and Rhysand had many battle-of-wills over the years but this was different. Rhys could feel it in the very marrow of his bones.

And Azriel’s demeanor - Fuck, he’d always been dangerous but he was outright predatory in the moment.

Rhys shook his head. “I should kick your ass for talking to me like this but fine - go. Two weeks, Azriel, and then you’re back here or I tear the world apart looking for you. You aren’t abandoning us without reason. I will not accept it.”

Azriel’s only response was a tick of the jaw before stepping out the front door and launching skyward at breakneck speed.

Rhys spent the next hour nursing a glass of whiskey, fighting an internal battle of leaving his brother be or going to find him. Just when he began to lose that battle and head out searching, Cassian burst through the door. His hair disheveled from the wind and caked with blood, his eyes puffy and red as if he’d been crying the entire flight.

Rhys froze in his tracks at the sight of his brother who took a few steps forward before falling to the floor, knees giving out as he let out a deep, world-shattering scream.

Rhys sent his darkness to caress his mind, gently prodding for what could have left Cassian in such a state only to be met with crushing waves of grief. Rhys pushed his consciousness with great effort to cut through the viscous surge of emotion desperate for any sense of clarity.

He’d almost reached his own daemati limit when he was abruptly greeted by flashes of memory. Snow painted bright-red with blood. Azriel laying limp. Ash arrows littering his body. Lifeless hazel eyes. Long dark hair. Red lips. Eyes darker than night. Sounds of a female voice screaming. Tears falling onto blood coated hands.

Suddenly Rhys was thrust from Cassian’s mind as he fought against the induced slumber. Cassian’s body shuttered as tears broke free once again. His words slurred as he tried to communicate within his half dazed state, “Go. Ste-steppes.” Another broken sob. “Az is d- Oh gods!” He cried out. “Dead. And s-she’s”

“Who?” Rhys’ mind flashed to the female crouched over Azriel, screaming.

“Oh fuck, R-rhys. Go!!!”

Cassian fell back into his dream state before Rhys could press further.

Rhys willed himself to remain as calm as possible. Fighting to keep his mental voice steady before the grief could overtake him as he called for Amren and Feyre.

Elain, who had been in the garden, would stay with Nyx. Amren would keep an eye on Cassian and throw additional wards up, while Feyre retrieved Nesta from the House of Wind. Once Feyre returned she would be able to soothe his mind.

Feyre’s mental voice wavered, heartbreak surging through the bond at the news, but she agreed to keep details private until Rhys understood exactly what had happened.

——————

Three weeks ago

Azriel

War Camp inspections had a way of bringing out the worst in Azriel. As if his tolerance level for Illyrians was not already at a miniscule level, these inspections always seemed to inflate the egos of the Illyrians. Camp Lords and their cronies marching into meetings with puffed out chests and mouths spewing hatred particularly grated on his typically infallible patience.

Azriel had been staying at the River House for some time now, carefully avoiding Elain as much as possible, and trying his best to avoid giving Rhys anything to pull rank over. And fuck, he was so tired after a day of negotiations. With nothing but tension awaiting him at home and overwhelming fatigue, he found himself at a shitty Inn in the Illyrian Steppes.

He’d seated himself at a small corner table, shrouding himself in shadow as he observed the belligerent patrons of Rosa’s Cantina, a shoddy tavern attached to the Inn.

“Witch.” He heard a group of males call her. Their eyes fixed on a stunning female swaying her hips in time to the music flowing from a rickety piano at the front of the bar.

Remaining silent, the Spymaster listened to the ruddy males lecherous conversation.

“I wouldn’t mind being under her spell.”

“You’ll sooner find your balls nailed to a stake than completion - even with tits like that it’s not worth it.”

Azriel snarled to himself. Even outside of the Illyrian camps, the males in the Steppes were abhorrent. Backwards in every way. The woman continued twirling, her raven-black hair flowing with each movement of her supple body.

“Not if I tie her down first.” A burly male chimed in, his slurred voice gruff.

“I’ll bet you five marks that you won’t survive the encounter with all of your appendages.”

“Look at what the whore is wearing. She wants it whether she knows or not.”

The brute of a male stumbled up to her and Azriel sighed to himself, he really didn’t want to get into it tonight. But….

The male put his greasy hands on her and Azriel instantly jolted upright, preparing to step in. She tried pulling away as the male yanked her into him. The female whirled in his arms, looking up to him like a lover. The male immediately dropped his arms, palms in the air as if placating a wild animal, he began stepping away slowly. When he turned around, Azriel noticed the blood drained from his face as he threw gold marks on the table and immediately left the cantina. The males only laughed and went back to their drinking.

“Wicked Felina” they called her.

“Eh? How much money have you won off the males she scares away now?” One of the patrons chimed in.

“Enough to cover these boys.” The male slapped the new pair of leather boots adorning his feet.

Azriel hadn’t seen what the male saw in her face when she looked to him but his shadows whispered to him.

“Darkness”

“Like calls to like”

“Look”

And maybe it was the stale mead he’d downed but he did. He strode right up to the female and could have sworn he felt time stand still as the patrons of the bar watched.

He didn’t touch her, only spoke in a low tone, “May I have a dance?”

The female whirled towards him and Azriel had to fight to keep his footing steady. Before him stood the most breathtaking female he’d ever seen.

Her eyes met his and his heart sputtered as he stared into the depth of them. Blacker than night, constellations and blood and something “other” swimming inside of them. He could sense her darkness and instead of his typical urge to question, it drew him in like metal to a magnet.

As she took him in, he heard her heart skip a beat for only a moment, before that darkness invaded his senses once again. No, it wasn’t darkness to run away from at all. It was alluring, captivating, dangerous. And he wanted to drink it all in.

“You are a brave male.” She spoke with a slight, unfamiliar accent. So similar to those of Velaris but with something else mixed in.

Azriel’s shadows whirled around the female, winding through her hair and between her fingers. She didn’t balk from them, she only remained intensely focused on him.

Her scent surrounded them and he couldn’t breathe the female in deeply enough.

An hour later he found himself driving into her. Her breasts bouncing so beautifully that he nearly came from the sight alone. He’d spent so long fisting his cock as he fantasized of Elain that he’d forgotten just how glorious the feel of a tight cunt wrapped around him felt. And this female, Felina, her moans were like a sirens call, drawing him so deeply into her that he didn’t know where she ended and he begun.

He would have gone slowly with her, tenderly, worshipped every centimeter of cool, exposed skin, but she had begged him so prettily to fuck her until she forgot what she was. Who was he to deny a female who knew exactly what she wanted. He’d never fucked a female so hard and still she pleaded for more, sensing that he was holding back. When he finally let go of his restraint, he had to dig his nails into her moonlight pale flesh just to keep her from sliding away. She bit her lip and held his gaze through every thrust. Those damning eyes looking at him like she could read every fucking tendril of his own inner-void.

When she came, he came with her. The Inn shaking with the intensity of their combined orgasms. As he came down from the high, the darkness in her eyes banked momentarily a deep, blue flashing in them before once again overtaking them. He gasped sharply as a snap yanked in his chest. Gold tethering him to her.

“Mate” his shadows sang

“Our mate, our mate.”

Azriel’s breathing grew frantic. She climbed out of the bed, her exposed backside red from the slaps he’d pressed to her round ass. “Did you feel that?”

She turned her head over her shoulder, those eyes meeting his again. “Feel what?”

Azriel’s heart sank. “Nothing.”

“Hm.” She shrugged. “Intresting.” And poured a glass of water from a pitcher on an oak dresser with nonchalance. As if they hadn’t just had life-altering sex, like the ground itself hadn’t shook with the force of their coupling.

Her mouthwatering breasts bounced with each step toward him, her lightly toned abdomen baring silver, faded scars.

“Who gave you those?” Azriel asked.

“I’m as willing to talk about them as you are about those.” She nodded toward his hands.

Touché

“Curiosity can be a dangerous thing.” She stated before bringing his head to her chest and running delicate fingers through his hair until he drifted into a deep slumber full of darkness and a golden thread.

When he woke, she was gone.

And he would have thought he’d dreamt it all, had it not been for the nearly-healed crescent moon imprint of her nails littering his body. He hummed in satisfaction at the sight.

He only hoped that next time she’d leave marks deep enough to scar. He should have staked his claim on her too.

——————

Two weeks ago

Azriel

He searched for her, frantically, day in and day out but she was nowhere to be found. How could he have found his mate and been so foolish to lose her in such a short period of time. He hadn’t even told her his name.

Eventually, he had to take pause, and venture into the camps due to a couple of missing Illyrians. Through his questioning, he’d found that the males were shaking, reporting a fanged creature that swept from the trees and picked off several of their men, one by one. When they returned to reclaim the bodies, all that was left were scattered body parts. Fingers, tongues, and cocks mostly.

He remembered the whispers in the taverns of “Wicked Felina.” Surely it was just paranoia.

Azriel returned to the tavern each night, hiding outside within his shadows. She was never there.

His patience was infallible, no amount of space or time would deter him. He would find his mate, he would embrace that pit of darkness dwelling within her - even if she were the creature the men were speaking of. She hadn’t hurt him, she’d only awoken something within him. His Felina may be dark but she is not the villain. She couldn’t be.

He pushed the sight of the ghostly pale brute running away from her at Rosa’s far into the back of his mind.

——————

One week ago

Azriel

Something tugged at him that night, urged him to find her again. Felina had become the focal point of his thoughts, consumed with her 24/7.

He was a desperate male, he wanted - no, needed - to know every piece of this dark anomaly. Mind, body, spirit. He’d sought someone whose light cast upon his obsidian soul for so long - finding hope in the radiant enigma that is Mor and the gentle, sweet presence of Elain. But all along the mother knew he needed someone who could step into his shadow and find solace. When Felina stared into his eyes, he knew she saw it, saw home. He saw it in her too.

She was so new to him and yet so familiar.

His brothers would tell him he was infatuated, that this was just another Mor, but they would be so far from the truth. This was a need, as essential to him as water or air. He thrummed with desire for his Wicked Felina.

She was the other half of his soul and he would not lose out on the opportunity to make her his.

Tonight was the night, she’d be there, he felt it deep within.

And she was.

Not inside. No, in a dark corner of the alley adjacent to Rosa’s Cantina. With a silver haired High-Fae male, nearly as tall as Azriel, muscled, well-groomed.

And she - her back was pressed against the wall. Her head flung back from the crook of his neck it where her face had been burrowed, pure ecstasy written all over those seductive features. A moan escaping her plush lips.

And then he saw it. Blood trickling from the corner of her mouth.

No.

No.

This couldn’t be.

He HURT her. She didn’t want this. Didn’t she know that he was her soul-bonded mate? She wouldn’t fuck someone in the dark corner of an alley willingly.

Didn’t she know she was better than that? Didn’t she know she was everything?

Visions of the scars on her abdomen and of the male who joked about tying her down to have his way with her came to mind.

No. Not his Felina. Nobody would harm her now that she was his.

Azriel didn’t think further as he barreled for them, unsheathing truth-teller and slitting the males throat before he could even lock eyes with him.

Felina let out a quiet inhale of shock, onyx eyes blown wide.

“No. No. No.” She dropped to the male. Her nostrils flaring at the sight of him, his bloodied neck, checking for a pulse.

There was none.

Felina looked up to him with near-black, pleading eyes. “Azriel.”

And despite the peril of the moment, the fact that he clearly misread the situation, his name rolling off those pretty red lips made it all worth it.

Until the thought occurred to him. He’d never told her his name. “How?”

“Az….” Her voice cracked, the slightest bit of silver lined her eyes before darkness began radiating from her, rage filling those deeper than night eyes. Her voice became cold, deadly. “I told you that curiosity was dangerous.”

Shouts from bystanders rang out, creating panic among the villagers.

“You need to go now. They’ll recognize you.”

He paused, mouth gaping as she looked to him. He knew what she was saying but remained frozen in place.

“Azriel, please!” She cried.

There it was. His name again. Had she been as taken by him as he was by her? Had she sought him out too?

It was then that she unsheathed a dagger and held it to her own throat. “If you don’t leave, I will end it all right now.”

If he’d have looked closely, he would have seen the way her hand shook, the way she couldn’t quite touch the blade to her pale skin.

“I will find you again, Felina.” He vowed - threatened - Don’t even think about escaping me. You’re mine.

“Go.” She mouthed.

——————

Four hours ago

Azriel

Staying away for days was impossible. When she’s wander at night, he’d watch her from afar, remaining unseen. The small village mourned the dead male, apparently the esteemed ruler of this shit hole place. He caught glimpses of a mourning Felina. He felt something in the bond but he couldn’t quite make it out.

Resentment, perhaps? Jealousy? Longing?

And despite the black apparel she donned through the village, her face remained neutral with only a tinge of sadness.

Villagers whispered as she walked by. She paid them no mind.

He imagined they likely suspected the death was over her. Azriel’s shadows reported he had a wife. Why would his Felina sleep with a married male? If he was willing to cheat on his wife with her, he couldn’t have been a good male. Azriel did right by the females for eliminating him from the picture, right?

It was then that a flash of auburn appeared. The male’s wife with several large males behind her carrying torches. “Whore!” She spat. “Only fucking my husband wasn’t good enough, was it?”

“You had to sleep around with another male, one you surely had under your spell, just as you had with mine. You vile witch! And now my husband is dead because some enchanted soul grew jealous over you. You will burn for this!”

Suddenly she was placed in shackles, his shadows zooming into her vision. She must have noticed them as she whipped her head searching for him. She mouthed “no”, shaking her head in the direction his shadows raced off to. They came back.

“Blue not black. Blue not black.”

“Still beating. Still beating.”

“Mate. Mate. Mate.”

It was then that wings burst out of her back. Like Illyrian wings but white, the light casting a holographic range of gentle hues of blues and purple, and pinks. Talons emerged from her nails, but her lovely face remained impassive.

His shadows stirred aggressively.

“Alike. Alike. Alike.”

Another shadow shot back to him, beginning to report something when Azriel saw the pyre lighting in town as the villagers threw obscenities in her direction.

Felina held her head high, accepting her fate so easily.

The fire grew and Azriel once again acted on instinct. They couldn’t take her from him. And to burn her? Rage roared within him.

Azriel flew in, obliterating the large males jerking her toward the fire.

“The Shadowsinger!” someone cried out. Azriel saw nothing but Felina and the rising flames. Never would his mate be subjected to licks of flame marring her flesh. She was far too precious to burn.

Anyone who tried to lay hands on he or Felina were eviscerated. “The key!” She cried, pointing to a dead male. She ran toward it. Azriel launched in front of her, his speed overtaking hers as he retrieved it. She caught the key but her talons made it impossible to unlock the chains quickly. Azriel grabbed the key, unshackling her, the talons and wings disappearing.

“We have to go!” She shouted. Azriel caught her, launching skyward, right as an arrow shot toward them, and straight into Azriel’s back. He fought through it, he had to get her to safety. Another arrow flew through the air, narrowly missing Felina. The attempt on his mate triggering a knee-jerk reaction in Azriel who turned to send a blast of power at the bastard shooting the arrows.

He was struck in the side as another arrow met him. Azriel shot another blast of power in the direction that it came from.

Azriel could feel power rumbling under Felina’s surface. “We don’t have time! You’re hurt.”

Azriel bit back a cry at the pain radiating through his body, the blood not slowing as it should. He began feeling faint, fevered. He struggled through it, needing to make it as far away as he could but his vision began to blur as his body weakened. Felina was crying out something but he couldn’t hear her. All there was was pain and the cool press of her body against his. Gods, she was so cold.

“We need to land, Azriel! You can’t make it further.” She commended. He felt the sting of her palm on his face. “Wake up! Land!”

The slap along with her frantic voice roused Azriel enough to land them, very roughly. He crashed down on top of her.

“Felina….” He rasped.

“Shh.” She hushed him. “Save your breath. I’m okay.” Reassuring him through staggered breaths. “We need to get you to help.”

Azriel placed a hand on hers. “Too far. There’s nothing.”

“There’s got to be something!” She choked out.

Commotion erupted from the trees as a group of males from the village drew toward them. Their torches lighting the night and their bows drawn and ready.

Azriel used the little remaining might he had to push himself up. Felina throwing herself on top of him, her hands coated in his blood.

“I’m sorry for this, Azriel.” She spoke and ripped the poisoned arrow out of him, stabbing it right into her bicep. “Fuck!” She cursed. Suddenly the talons and wings were back. Her scent shifted into something so fucking familiar that it made Azriel’s heart ache, and screams echoed as she shot bursts of power at them. The range was short and the damage limited but it slowed them.

A commotion distracted the group of males as flares of red shot from the brush. A large winged male approaching from the night.

“Cass.” Felina whispered in awe.

Azriel’s vision went dark again, his conscious only picking up on words as the males screaming became less and less with each blast of power from Cassian and Felina.

A light caress came over Azriel’s mind, stroking it into submission, his pain easing. This was it. He wasn’t going to make it out of here.

And at that moment the caress broke free, Felina releasing a piercing scream. He tried moving, tried to console his mate, but the arrow that had just lodged in his heart was too much.

Azriel fought to see her one last time, her darkened eyes now shining like the night itself.

“Mate.” He whispered.

“I know, Azriel. I know.” She sobbed. Caressing his face with those delicate, chilly hands.

All Azriel remembered was the darkness embracing him once again. The pain easing as he heard Cassian’s voice.

“How?” Cassian’s booming voice cracked.

“Later, Cassian. He needs help.” Her voice was so pitiful. Broken.

Azriel’s breathing grew so shallow, that sweet darkness lulling him, even his shadows were silent. All he saw in his mind was her but she was fading. Her touch no longer registering to his senses.

He tried fighting it but there was no use as Azriel took his final breath.

“He’s dead, Cassian.”

��—————

Two hours ago

Cassian

Cassian had never flown so fast in his life.

Oh gods, his brother was dead. The female, she refused to leave his side until he left to get Rhys.

His mind roared at him that he should have brought her with him. But why? Who was she?

Who was she to Azriel?

All he could remember as the tears flowed freely was that his brother was dead. That he heard the call for help from the village, that the Shadowsinger had gone mad, only to find a group of men on the attack and his brother incapacitated.

He had to get to Rhys quickly and let him know about Azriel, about the female.

——————

Present

Rhysand

Rhys winnowed to the vicinity of where Cassian had been in the memories when he’d held his mind. He flew until he found the bodies of several men. This was the clearing Cassian had been in and in the center of the clearing was caked blood.

Caked blood and no Azriel. No female.

But the blood, there was so much. He couldn’t have survived.

Right?

——————

Two hours ago

Azriel

The darkness on Azriel’s mind eased only slightly. The crippling pain too much to bear.

He opened his eyes to his version of heaven, to his mate’s face. The arrow removed from her arm.

He was in so much pain only managing to rasp out, “Can’t leave you.”

“You have to make a choice now.” She cupped his hand. “There was no other way.” She spoke to herself more than him. “There’s no way Cassian could have made it back in time.”

She was trying to convince herself. His decision was already made.

She shook her head, bracing herself for his response. “You have only a few moments left.”

The black fog cleared from his mind, every ounce of pain returning, but his eyes opened.

“Look at me, Azriel.”

He blinked and where her canines had been were sharp fangs. “I can save you but I can’t guarantee this existence is worth it. I am still figuring it out for myself.”

To his credit, Azriel didn’t balk. A chance to be with his mate… his Felina. He groaned as he turned his head, exposing his neck to her.

“Azriel, if I do this. You are bound to me. I know I’m your mate but you don’t know me. What if I’m… too much? Can you bare that?”

He tried to speak. She would never be too much. He only kept his neck exposed, a warning rattle escaping his chest.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, as she pressed her fangs into his neck.

Blinding light erupted through him along with the worst pain he’d felt in centuries. Tears fell from those otherworldly eyes of night onto his neck.

He fought through the pain, biting back screams. He would be strong for her.

As she drank, she caressed his hair. A slight whimper and the scent of arousal escaping her. She tensed as she recognized the scent. And he could feel a hint of shame from her end of the bond.

Azriel had only heard legends of vampyr’s. Stories told in the camps to scare children who were prone to wandering off and now here she was feeling shame for her own body’s response to having him at the most intimate level.

As she drank, little gulps escaping her, he felt his strength returning. He raised a hand and grabbed her breast, massaging it as she lapped at his blood. A silent communication that whatever she was feeling did not frighten him, was not unwelcome.

Her body relaxed only slightly but he could sense her relief.

The pain began subsiding and Azriel’s strength had already returned in full, in excess, even.

Her drinking slowed and she fought against the urge to keep drinking, the greedy need for blood raging through her.

Azriel raised his hand from her breast to her face, stroking his thumb across her cheek. She leaned into it, grounding herself.

Suddenly she pulled herself off, gasping. Her chest heaving. Pain filled her eyes as she stared up at him. But he felt… incredible. Euphoric.

And there his mate was, reeking of sweet arousal. Chest heaving. Trickles of blood dripping from her mouth.

“You have to go now, Azriel. Get what you need and come back to me.”

He could hardly think. His need to be inside of her overwhelming every sense.

“Azriel. Listen!” She spoke firmly. “You have a couple of hours at most. Go home, get any healing tonics or sedatives that you may have, clothes, and blankets and come right back here.”

“I don’t-“ he started.

“You will. Can you still winnow?”

Azriel nodded. Had he winnowed in front of her before?

“Go. Now. Before Cassian gets home and bombards you with questions.”

Azriel didn’t want to leave, growing irate at the thought of it.

“I know it’s hard for you to leave. It’s a culmination of our newly tethered bond and likely the mating bond, Azriel.”

He stayed in place.

Finally she approached him. Staring straight past his eyes and into the depths of his soul as the urge to obey her taking overtook him. “Go now.”

Without another word, he left, winnowing directly to the River House, collecting a bag, and leaving Rhys with far too many questions. He prayed to the mother that he wouldn’t track him.

——————

One week later

Azriel

She’d begged him not to take her but she was declining far too quickly. They’d spent the past seven days in a daze. He had quickly gone from euphoric to delirious once returning from the River House.

And just as he’d made a life altering choice to be eternally bonded to her when she’d turned him, Felina made the choice to accept the mating bond by allowing him to feed off of her.

The combination of blood lust and the mating frenzy sent him into a spiral. They barely talked in the past few days, they’d have eternity to do that. He spent more time inside of her than out but she… she refused to feed off of him, citing that it was too risky with his newly turned state. When he wasn’t rutting into her, he was hunting for game but the blood wasn’t enough for her. He cursed himself for taking so much of her blood in his frenzied state.

She repeatedly asked that he not take her to his family but they would understand. It was the only option at this point. Her scent began shifting into that strange familiar aroma again, the darkness of her eyes swirling with flecks of blue. That “other” aspect to her diminishing slightly.

As she fought her consciousness, she barely managed to whisper “There’s more.” before going unconscious.

He’d waited so long to find his mate.

She’d saved him.

He didn’t want to go against her wishes but her condition was deteriorating rapidly. Her fever raising, her once-cool skin now burning as whimpers escaped her lips.

He did the only thing he could and prayed to the Mother that Felina would forgive him.

He flew her home.

They landed on the River House lawn in the middle of the night. Rhys appeared with a crack of thunder to confront the threat that breached his wards. Feyre, Elain, Cassian, and Nesta rushing out behind him, their eyes wide with shock.

Rhys shuddered, falling to his knees before his brother. “Azriel. Thank the mother you’re home.” He sobbed.

Felina let out a pitiful moan. Sweat beading on her brow. Her cool skin now radiating waves of heat. She slowly, weakly opened her weary eyes, the swirling black now bleeding into a blend of ultraviolet blue.

Rhys approached the female in his arms, Azriel tightening his grip on her. Time stood still as Rhys gently touched her face, carefully turning her head toward him. His face of relief crumpling into something earth shattering, the mountains quaking as he fell to his knees.

Azriel started, “This is Felina, my m-“

Rhys interrupted shaking his head as let out pained, joyous laughter. “No, Az.” He choked out. “Not Felina.”

Fighting to regain composure, Rhys clarified. “That’s Y/N.”

Azriel gasped as those now violet-blue eyes peered up into his, his jaw dropping as he carefully went to his knees with her in his arms.

That scent. Those eyes of night. Azriel’s mate was-

Rhys gave a disbelieving smile his voice again breaking at the sight before him.

“My sister.”

——————————————

A/N: Thank you for reading! For now, this is a one-shot. I have left openings in the story with the potential for it to become a series or at least part two with an explanation but have not yet decided.

This fic is loosely inspired by an old-western song called “El Paso” that I listened to growing up with my grandmother. The song is where I chose my pen name of “Felina” from. You may also recognize “Wicked Felina” as the title of the final episode of the show “Breaking Bad”

ACOTAR general tag list: @lilah-asteria

[titanusamarante]

You know what, since JKR reignited the ace discourse and since this old post keeps showing up on my dash...I'm gotta tell yall why posts like this piss me off. Because I fled tumblr during the ace discourse for a reason and folks are either ignoring or missing a ton of damn context. And part of that context is fucking sobercommunist. See, this 'lovely' individual is a powder keg for why the ace discourse got as bad as it did.

Content warning. Slurs, death threats, rape threats and mentions of suicide baiting ahead.

Alot of folks were talking about how ace people 'made the pulse shooting all about them'...yeah no. See, one of the first and top posts during the pulse shooting was sobercommunist and friends posting about it and going 'this is why ace people aren't oppressed.

All those posts people are passing around from back then 'proving' that ace people were 'making pulse about them', yea, most of them were responding or reacting to sobercommunist and his circle of friends. Hell, most of the 'receipts' of how bad ace people were...either reactions to sobercommunist or reactions to exclusionary radfems. Including the blood thing and kink at pride. Because it wasn't just a post or two. He'd post a TON of vile acephobic shit and used ace tags like 'ace positivity' 'actuallyasexual' so that ace people could see said hate.

And that's not all. He'd trawl ace tags, sending hate messages and tags full of death and rape threats and suicide baiting to people posting ace positivity. My old tumblr was included in that by the way. He told me to get raped and die TWICE. And I WAS posting about garlic bread and dragons. He was just that hateful.

And to give you an idea of what this individual's messages were like.

And keep in mind, he had a circle who was just as bad as he was. Sometimes worse.

Also, let's talk about the radfems. Because some of those lesbian posts you mentioned were radfems that were hijacking posts and harassing ace people at the time and said ace people were retaliating. (Doesn't make it right, but context matters.) Because of course, Radfems hate ace people, not as much as they hate trans women, but it was still a deep hate (and they did their fair share of death threats too). Yeah, they cheered sobercommunist on, and if you even TRIED to call out sobercommunist, then they'd dogpile you, calling you homophobic and serophobic. Because he was famous on tumblr as an HIV positive gay man, and he used that status as a shield whenever he could. He was their attack dog until he turned around and bit THEM and they found out he was bi and not gay. Because of course radfems hate bi people too.

So a ton of the ace behavior was reactionary at the time. Between him, the radfems and the nasty porn and gore in the ace tags. Does it excuse how some vocal aces were awful at the time. Hell to the Fuck no.

But ace teenagers were going through some shit back then. Imagine getting sobercommunist in your dms telling them to get raped and die, then seeing him in their tags alongside gore and porn while being cheered on by 'feminists'. Context fucking matters.

Also sobercommunist is still here on tumblr under a different name, so...yea...

I keep seeing posts about how damaging ace discourse was to aces and while I’m glad we’re talking about tumblr’s bullying problem I think some of you have selective amnesia bc the war was DEFINITELY being fought from both sides. For every post calling asexuals cringe or lonely turbo virgins there was at least one reply or comment or post saying shit like “ok have fun dying of aids” or “I’m a bi ace which is exactly the same as being bisexual except I’m not a slut” or “ace culture is not having to worry about spreading STDs”.

Nearly every post made by a trans woman discussing transphobia was derailed by someone making it about asexuality instead (unfortunately this is still common on tumblr) and posts about gay sex or attraction were flooded with comments about those nasty dirty allos. Lesbians who expressed frustration about not being able to talk about their sexual attraction to women without aces “fixing” their posts to make them pure and wholesome were characterized as mean dykes and aphobic. And the shit that people posted after the pulse shooting was thinly veiled homophobia— do you know how many posts I saw that were along the lines of “well maybe if you gays were nicer to aces we’d donate blood” or “ace culture is hearing about the pulse shooting and wondering who would want to go dancing at a sweaty club when you could be home reading”.

And idk if people realize this but kink at pride discourse was born from ace discourse. The sheer amount of posts that were like “stop sucking face at pride I’m ace and it grosses me out get a room” or “pride is supposed to be a safe space for aces too nobody cares that you like to get tied up and fucked in the ass” or “as an aroace it makes me uncomfortable to see people wear nothing but leather harnesses stop making pride sexual”.

We absolutely should be calling out the people who posted graphic porn in the ace tag or harassed aces by calling them broken and unloveable bc that’s fucking horrendous and unacceptable but don’t act like every asexual on tumblr was an innocent smol bean posting garlic bread memes and minding their business bc the shit thrown at lgbt people in the name of ace discourse was awful and damaging to see, especially as a teen coming to terms with my sexuality

[vampiricnonsense]

i see a lot of object show fans talking about the twitter war between enstarries and i’d like to clear things up because it’s really getting on my nerves how people are saying stuff like i was attacking a community of autistic people. i’m literally autistic myself it’s just ridiculous.

rest under a read more because there’s a lot of sensitive stuff

first off i don’t hate object shows because of the poll, the poll just revived my hatred. i’ve always hated object shows, i don’t have a reason and i don’t need one.

when i said i hated object shows i immediately started getting attacked for it, i thought it was funny so i played along and baited them a little. i made a tweet saying that if you didn’t like my hate of object shows you should block me, it’s as simple as that. this pissed them off because i started getting some absolutely vile curiouscat anon messages.

before i continue, content warnings for sexual harassment, death threats, suicide baiting, rape, and misgendering

here’s some of the things object show fans sent me, note that i had deleted the worst of the messages so i don’t have screenshots of those. there’s also a theme of people calling me a white woman, i am a mixed transgender man which is important to note, they were denying my identity as a form of hate.

again because i deleted a lot of stuff i don’t have screenshots but i also received quite a few variations of “kill yourself” and “being transgender is a mental illness” along with misgendering

some of my mutuals tried to defend me, unfortunately they received rape threats for doing so, here’s some of the messages they received

there’s more but i can only add so many images, multiple mutuals received messages like this from object show fans.

not only did i receive tons of harassment but people were defending me being harassed just because i made fun of something they likes

so before y’all come on hear painting me and the whole enstars fandom as villains remember what your fandom did to me and my mutuals. these anons may not have gotten to me but they certainly got to my mutuals. be ashamed of yourselves for once.

[girl8890]

♦️♠️♥️♣️♦️♠️♥️♣️

Started: 09/20/2021

Last Updated: 10/04/2022

Total Works: 19

♣️♥️♠️♦️♣️♥️♠️♦️

Ⓡⓔⓠⓤⓔⓢⓣⓢ: CLOSED

Request Guide Lines

Rating System

♦️♠️♥️♣️♦️♠️♥️♣️

Key:

💦 = Smut , 🐑 = Fluff , 👊 = Angst ,

💜 = Personal favorite , 💋 = Popular , ✨ = New ,

✔️ = Completed , ✍🏼 = Work in progress ,

❌ = Hiatus

♣️♥️♠️♦️♣️♥️♠️♦️

Other content involving AIB:

100 Follower Special ~ What Your Personality Says Your Speciality is

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

Niragi Suguru ♦️

Yes, I know his name is backwards.

𝕊𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕤

Personal Ballerina: Index 💦👊✔️18+

Summary: Niragi’s life was going great. He was the second in command militant and had so much power over everyone around him. He didn’t have to worry about anyone from his past, or anyone finding out about his past. Until, another group formed in Borderland. One person apart of that group, used to be his own personal ballerina. 

Warnings: Spoilers for manga & show, Mentions of Bullying, Mentions of Abuse, Violence, Death Threats, Background character death, Suicidal thoughts, Angst, Eventual Smut, Vaginal sex, Loss of Virginity. 

𝕆𝕟𝕖 𝕊𝕙𝕠𝕥𝕤

How it All Started 🐑👊💋V

 - > Summary: What’s it like dating Niragi? It’s quite literally like a rollercoaster. One second he’ll be all sweet and cuddly with you, the next he’ll be pinning you against the wall and hate fucking you. There’s never a in between. This includes, how you got together, but how exactly did you two meet?

- > Warnings: Angst.

𝕏𝕏

First Time, While in Love 💦🐑💜18+

- > Summary: What was it like to sleep with Niragi for the first time? Well, your not a stranger or a casual fuck. Your his girlfriend. His first girlfriend, and his first love. And, no one would believe you if you told them the truth about it…

- > Warnings: Smut, Oral (f receiving), Vaginal Sex.

𝕏𝕏

Don’t Care 👊💋 V 

- > Summary: You catch the eye of the infamous Niragi Suguru. He’s ruthless and mean, but he for some reason won’t stop bothering you. You won’t sugar coat it, he scares the living shit out of you. It’s not until you’re forced into a corner by the mad man himself, that you have to face these fears.

- > Warnings: Mentions of Rape and Torture. 

ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕-ℂ𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤

How He Would React if He Saw You Cry🐑👊💋T

What Would He Do If You Had a Crush on Someone 👊💋V

NSFW Alphabet 💦18+

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

Chishiya Shuntaro ♦️

Yes, I know his name is backwards.

𝕊𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕤

Smile With Teeth: Index 💦🐑💜💋✔️18+

Summary: Chishiya hated his life before the Borderlands. He hated everything about it and he felt that it wasn’t satisfactory. Nothing was keeping him going, except you. You, his fiancé, are the only thing that’s keeping him going. Both to stay living, and to get out of the Borderlands. He did some pretty messed up things to try to get back to you. Only to find out, you were in Borderlands all along.

Warnings: Spoilers for the manga & show, Attempt at rape, Talks about bullying, Mild violence, Minor character death, Eventual Smut, Vaginal Sex.

𝕆𝕟𝕖 𝕊𝕙𝕠𝕥𝕤

Needing You 🐑👊 V

-> Summary: After meeting you and escaping borderlands, Chishiya thought that the nightmare of a life he was living was over. But the nightmare of almost seeing you die during a game still follows him. He’s always put up a front as being a strong person, but after this last nightmare he can’t help himself and carry out the need to hold you close and cry in your arms.

-> Warnings: nightmares, fluff, angst, post borderlands, nightmares, murder, blood, crying Chishiya, cuddling, neglectful parents, familial pressure, one kiss

Fight or Flight 👊💜18+ 

- > Summary: Chishiya and you are dating in secret. It was all working out fine until Niragi started having an interest for you. Chishiya walks into a room where you and Niragi are alone. You both know what Niragi is trying to do to you, but will Chishiya stop him or walk away to keep his biggest weakness of loving you a secret?

- > Warnings: Sexual Assault, Angst. 

𝕏𝕏

Jealous Mess 💦👊💜💋18+ 

- > Summary: You and Chishiya are dating and most of the people at The Beach know about it. The people who don’t, are the new comers. One new comer in particular, doesn’t seem to get the hint that your taken. Since your so blind to the new guys advances, you just think he’s being friendly and you become friends with him. Chishiya on the other hand, looks at this situation as one that could take you away from him.

- > Warnings: Emotional Smut, Vaginal Sex, Jealousy, and Spoilers For The Manga.

𝕏𝕏

Before it All Fell Apart 💦🐑👊✨18+

-> Summary: Prologue to Smile with Teeth. Basically, everything that happened before Chishiya or his fiancé went into the Borderlands. Chishiya’s loss of virginity, the proposal, the actually sending into Borderlands. All in this one shot… it’s - it��s a lot.

-> Warnings: Insecurities, Smut, Oral (m), Fingering, Loss of virginity (m), Vaginal sex, Unprotected sex (wrap it up kids!), Fluff, Proposals, Angst, Mentions of death.

𝕏𝕏

Run Away Affection 🐑 T 

-> Summary: Chishiya has been running away from your affection as soon as they started. You don’t understand why, since you’ve come from a family that loves giving physical affection whenever possible. When you kiss him on the cheek because he defend you, he runs away once again. But this time, enough is enough. Your want answers, and it’s time for him to give you them. 

-> Warnings: Insecurities, Cursing, First kiss. 

ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕-ℂ𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤

How He Would React if He Saw You Cry🐑👊💋T

What Would He Do If You Had a Crush on Someone 👊💋V

NSFW Alphabet 💦18+

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

Takatora Samura / Last Boss ♠️

𝕆𝕟𝕖 𝕊𝕙𝕠𝕥𝕤

Forever?  V 👊💜

- > Summary: You and Takatora, Last Boss, have been dating for awhile. You and the Borderlands are the only things that make him feel alive. Even after all this time you’ve spent together, you never talked about you leaving Borderland if you had the chance. He’s finally found out, but he’s not taking it so well.

- > Warnings: Mentions of past sexual encounters, Violence, Angst.

𝕏𝕏

Alone Time  18+ 💦🐑💜

- > Summary: You and Last Boss have an odd friendship. You’re the most innocent person that’s ever joined The Beach, and he’s considered the most scariest looking man that’s ever been put into Borderland. He saw you everyday, like a little daily meet up, until one day… he stops. He leaves every room you enter, and gets flushed every time he catches you staring at him. You don’t understand why he’s ignoring you until you catch him doing - err - alone time?

- > Warnings: Masturbation (m).

ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕-ℂ𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤

What Would He Do If You Had a Crush on Someone 👊💋V

NSFW Alphabet 💦18+

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

Mira Kanō ♥️

ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕-ℂ𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤

Realizing She’s in Love With You 🐑💜 T

NSFW Alphabet 💦 18+

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

[my-emotional-self]

Toxic Love Chapter 4

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Finding out your soulmates were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes was one thing.  But when someone from your past comes back to haunt you, you have to figure out if a relationship with two super soldiers is something you really want to pursue or if you’d rather go back to your comfortable single life.

Series Warnings:  18+, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, past mentions of rape, self-harm, attempted rape, domestic violence, stalking, death threats, possible Dark!Steve?, Steve will be an asshole a LOT in this series but I don’t know how dark it will get, explicit sexual content, mental health issues, kind of A/B/O dynamics but not really (no they are not actual wolves, more like the hierarchy), mentions of suicide, flashbacks of suicide

A/N: There will be no taglist for this story!  I apologize in advance!

The three of you gathered around the kitchen island and ate the pizza.  Well, more like Steve and Bucky inhaled a whole pizza each while you ate two slices.  The pizza was delicious, probably the best you’d ever had and your stomach was grateful for the yumminess.

“Why don’t you tell us a little about yourself Y/N?” Bucky asked as he licked the grease off his lips.

“What do you want to know?” you replied.  

“Let’s start with your family and where you grew up.”

You shrugged as you wiped your fingers with a napkin.  “There isn’t really much to say.  I grew up in a small town in the Midwest.  Both my parents died when I was a teenager.  I never knew my grandparents and I was an only child, same with my parents, so I don’t have any other family.  I moved here when I was 20,” you stated honestly.  Well, mostly at least.  Yes, it was true both of your parents died, but how they died was tragic.  They both committed suicide.  First your mother, then your father one year later.  As far back as you could research, mental health issues unfortunately ran in your family and that was including you.  But you weren’t ready to open up that old wound yet. You were on medication to help it and that was that.  Luckily the dosing you were on worked well and you could only hope you wouldn’t need to adjust your medications anytime soon.  

“We know how you feel doll. Obviously all of our family is gone too. But we can make a new family with the three of us,” Bucky stated as he wrapped his metal arm around your shoulders. You liked the sound of that.  The three of you becoming your own family. It sounded nice.  

You gave Bucky a wide smile, mirroring his.  “What have your past relationships looked like?” Steve announced from the other side of you.  

This was something you had been debating on bringing up.  If you weren’t going to tell them about your mental health issues just yet, you didn’t want to lie and be dishonest about John as well.  Taking a deep breath, you held it in for five seconds before releasing it.  “I’ve only been in one relationship before.  His name was John, John Smith.  He’s in prison right now.”

From the corner of your eye you could see Steve clench his fist; his knuckles cracking in the process.   “What happened?” he growled out.    

“He…he umm.  Well, he hit me,” you said, almost as quiet as a mouse but you knew both men had super hearing and they damn well heard you.  

Steve slammed his fist on the granite countertop making you flinch.  

“Steve!” Bucky barked at him in anger.  “You’re not making this situation any better right now.  Calm the fuck down and let her talk.”  Bucky soothed his arm up and down your back.  “Go ahead doll.   We’re listening.”

Nodding, you began to speak again.  “Things were great in the beginning.  He seemed like everything I could have ever asked for in a man.  I didn’t know if or when I would ever meet the two of you so I decided to live my life and date him.   The first six months were a whirlwind of romance.  He was the most charming man I had ever met.  But then things took a turn when I moved in with him. I was ready to have sex yet, but he was sick of waiting.  That first night I moved in, he…he raped me.”

This time you saw Bucky’s right hand clench on the table in front of you while Steve knocked his chair over as he stood up, pacing the kitchen.  “Go on doll,” Bucky urged, trying to keep the anger out of his voice as best he could for you.

“That was just the first time.  He umm, he did it again for weeks.  I wanted to leave, I really did.  But he was rich and he had security around the house.  I knew I couldn’t just up and leave.  Finally, when he demanded I quit my job, I stood up to him and told him no. That was the first time he hit me. That continued for months.  I was ready to give up on myself.”

“What happened next huh? How did he end up in prison?” Steve demanded as he leaned over the counter, staring at you with those piercing eyes.  

“I got lucky,” you replied. “We were out shopping one day.  He felt bad for the wrist he broke the night before so he took me shopping.  One of the sales ladies escorted me into a fitting room and I slipped her a note letting her know what was going on.  I stayed in the fitting room for as long as possible.  And then I heard them.  The police. The sales lady called the police for me and they took him away.  He’s been locked up ever since.”

Closing your eyes, you let the tears slip down your cheek.  “You were so brave,” Bucky cooed as you felt his lips on the top of your head.

“Look at me Y/N,” Steve demanded yet again and that deep feeling to please him was happening again. You snapped your head up and looked directly into his eyes.  “That will never happen in this relationship. Do you understand me?”  You simply nodded.  “Bucky and I would never hurt you like that.  Ever.  You have our word.”  As soon as he finished talking, he stormed out of the kitchen and down the hallway to where you only assumed was his room.  

“Just give him a minute to cool off sweetheart,” Bucky spoke in your ear.  “Stevie gets pent up sometimes and he has a lot on his plate. He may seem like it, but he’s not mad at you.  I promise.”

You collapsed into Bucky’s chest and softy sobbed.  It felt like a weight was lifted off your shoulders and you were relieved to have told them about John.  “I’m so sorry you had to go through that doll.  That will never happen to you again.  We won’t let anything like that happen.”

It couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes later when Steve emerged from his room.  “How about we go down and show you the communal kitchen and living room.  Give you a little tour.  What do you say?”

A small smile broke across your face.  “I’d like that very much.”

As the elevators opened to the communal floor, you jaw dropped.  If you thought Steve and Bucky’s apartment was big, this was ten times the size. Not only were there ample more couches, the television was bigger and there was a large dining table big enough to sit at least twenty people.  

“Holy crap,” you exclaimed in awe.  

“Yeah, Tony likes to go big if you couldn’t already tell,” Steve joked.  

“You think?” you quipped back, earning a smirk from Steve.  

The entire space was void of anyone except the three of you as Steve pulled you further into the living room.  He explained that the group tries to do a movie night at least once a week.  “To make things as fair as possible, Tony pulls a name out of a hat to see who gets to pick the movie that night,” Bucky said.

“Yeah but it doesn’t really work.  There is still always complaining and bitching from everyone else.  Mainly Clint,” Steve chimed in.  

It made you giggle, genuinely giggle and it felt good.  That hadn’t happened in quite some time.  

Steve and Bucky guided you towards the hallway, explaining that these were the ‘hobby rooms’ of everyone and their soulmates.  Steve opened the door to the one at the end of the all on right left side.  

“This will be your room. You can make it anything you want. But I’m going to guess this will be your game room where you work.”

“That would be correct,” you answered as you turned on the light.  The room was very decent sized and you would have no problem fitting all of your gamer stuff in here.  Hell, there would be a lot of room left over and you were quickly trying to think what else you could fit in here.  

“C’mon.  Let’s go back to our floor and we can show you your room up there.”

On the elevator ride back to their apartment, Steve and Bucky explained who all lived in the tower and who their soulmates were.  Tony and Pepper were soulmates together, along with Bruce.  Bruce was best friends with Tony and more of a brother figure to Pepper. Then there was Natasha, Clint and Darcy Lewis and they were all in an intimate relationship together.  Lastly, there was Thor and Jane but they didn’t stay in the tower too much as they spent most of their time on Asgard.  

Steve stopped in front of your door.  It was across the hall from Bucky’s and right next door to Steve’s.  

“Go ahead and open it,” Steve said with a smile.  “Just place your hand over the screen.”

Taking a deep breath, you did as he said and placed your hand, palm down, on the digital screen where there would normally have been a doorknob.  With a soft click, the door opened for you and you walked into your new place.  It was nothing like what you were thinking. You were honestly just guessing it would be a bedroom, but no, this was an entire apartment.  

Straight ahead was a decent sized kitchen.   There was dark cherry wood cabinet with black granite countertops and stainless steel appliances.  To the left is what you would assume would be the living room, however it was completely bare of any furniture.  As you continued to move through the apartment you found that the bedroom was all the way in the back.  It was a very nice sized master bedroom with the biggest walk in closet and on suite bathroom you had ever seen.  

“What do you think?” Bucky asked as he came up behind you and placed his hands on your shoulders.  

“It’s big,” you replied with a chuckle.  

“I’m going to have Tony’s interior designer email you.  Give him examples and ideas of what you would like and she will make it happen.  Don’t worry about prices.  This is Tony’s gift to you.”

Your eyes grew wide at his statement.  “Are you sure?”

“Yes sweetheart,” Steve replied as he slipped his hand in yours.  “We want the best for you.  Whatever you want this new home of yours to look like, then so be it.  We will make it happen for you.”

~~~

That night as you lay in bed after spending time with Steve and Bucky, you couldn’t help but frown. Things had seemed to be going much better tonight than they did when you first met them two days ago.  Now, you had to pack up your apartment and move. You weren’t really nervous about that part, hell, you were looking forward to it.  But then it meant things were starting to get real.  When things start to get intimate with them, would you be able to let yourself go and do that?  Would things be vanilla in the bedroom? Would you be able to tell them that because the only sexual experiences you’ve ever had was being raped, that you could now only get yourself off on violent fantasies of being raped, or tied up, or choked?  Fuck, what was wrong with you?

[gameofdrarry]

Wizards Hearts Recs: Memory Loss

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 Twist of Fate by Oakstone730 Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  302209 Tags: Canon up until Epilogue, Triwizard, Book 4: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Redemption, Forgiveness, Angst, Memory Loss, Secret Relationships, obliviate, secret boyfriends Summary:  Draco asks Harry to help him beat the Imperius curse during 4th year. The lessons turn into more than either expected. A story of redemption and forgiveness. Pairings: HP/DM (Slash) Timeframe: 1994-2002 Goblet to 4 yrs post-DH EWE Rating T for language, high angst, content. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 The Four Doors by fluxweed Rated:  Explicit Words:  48845 Tags: Mind Healer Draco Malfoy, Legilimency (Harry Potter), Memory Loss, Memory Magic, Sexual Fantasy, Masturbation, Power Imbalance, Auror Harry Potter, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Dubious Consent Due To Patient/Healer Dynamic, Mind Fucking (Literally), Not Epilogue Compliant, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE Summary:  It’s been four months since Harry lost his memory. Four months of dead ends and no answers. With time running out until his memories are gone for good, Harry agrees to a course of Legilimency therapy with a renowned specialist: Mind Healer Draco Malfoy. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 remember me by hupsoonheng Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  31082 Tags: Amnesia, Temporary Amnesia, Obliviation, Established Relationship, Established Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Legilimency, Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Reformed Draco Malfoy, POV Draco Malfoy, Good Draco Malfoy, Gardens & Gardening, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, POV Harry Potter Summary:  On a chilly day in October, Draco kisses Harry goodbye before he goes on yet another dangerous, undercover mission with the Aurors. And then Harry doesn't come back. Only Draco believes that Harry isn't dead, and pours himself into finding his husband despite his friends' pleas to move on and grieve properly. What he finds at the end of that work, though, is not at all what he wanted. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Like Clockwork by agentmoppet Rated:  Explicit Words:  39374 Tags: Memory Loss, Unspeakable Harry Potter, Curse Breaker Draco Malfoy, Dream Spells, UST, RST, Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, Switching, Banter, Bickering, Case Fic, Pining, Community: hd_erised, Miscommunication, Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley Summary:  Draco has never been very good at trusting others, and Potter is no exception. But if they're going to survive this, they need to accept that they're holding each other's lives in their hands, and--worst of all--they're going to have to work together. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Of Fates Entwined: A Story of Love Lost and Found by taradiane Rated:  Explicit Words:  51517 Tags: Romance, Memory Loss, Kidnapping, Angst with a Happy Ending Summary:  Harry Potter vanished without a trace from his home on a warm summer morning in June 2004. This is the story of how a random visit in a cafe on the other side of the world, six years later, proved that the ties which entwine our fates together can never be broken. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 while you were away by GhostGrrl Rated:  Explicit Words:  3420 Tags: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Kinda:), Memory Loss, Falling In Love, Dirty Talk, Anal Sex, Drugs, References to Depression Summary:  Harry loses his memory in the spring. Draco loves him through it. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Misplaced Memories by Dacro Rated:  Explicit Words:  38749 Tags: Memory Loss, Attempted Kidnapping, Established Relationship, St Mungo's Hospital, Auror Harry, Healer Draco, Dirty Talk, Semi-Public Sex, Grief/Mourning, Mystery, Injury Recovery, Same-Sex Marriage, Hair-pulling, Dream Sex, Wedding Rings Summary:  Harry is hit by an unknown curse and loses eighteen years of his memories. When he wakes up, he doesn't remember magic, Hogwarts or that he's happily married to a former Death Eater. Draco struggles to adapt to the changes and tries to help Harry retrieve his memories without causing further damage. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Nothing, Everything by SasuNarufan13 Rated:  Mature Words:  76088 Tags: Draco's POV, Established slash, Doesn't follow the epilogue, Mpreg, Angst, a lot of it, Implied Violence, Memory Loss, Drama, Draco acts like a real arsehole for a good part of the story, birthday fic, angst but with a happy ending, References to Minor Character Death, Torture, Implied mature content, Brief reference to threat of rape in the past Summary:  Draco didn't sign up for this. Except, well, he did. He just can't remember it. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Saint (gift four) by crazyparakiss Rated:  Mature Words:  5300 Tags: Mpreg, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending Summary:  Draco digs his fingers into the thick cable-knit of Potter’s cream jumper, drawing him closer. Kissing the stranger wearing his lover’s face. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 The Dust of Water by Lomonaaeren Rated:  Mature Words:  144015 Tags: Amnesia, Angst, Drama, Romance Summary:  As far as Harry’s concerned, he’s woken from a weirdly deep sleep the day after the Battle of Hogwarts. It’s his friends who tell him that it’s ten years later, that he’s an Auror who got cursed while chasing a Dark wizard—and that his memory isn’t going to come back. Updated every Saturday. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 UnKnown by DorthyAnn Rated:  Mature Words:  22488 Tags: Bullying, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self Destructive Behaviour, Ostracism, lying, lying by omission, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Memory Loss, Memory Alteration, Loneliness, That feeling of being in a room full of people you know and being completely and utterly alone, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020, Power Imbalance Summary:  Draco just wanted a second chance, he was willing to work hard, he was willing to do whatever it took, but no one would let him live down his past. But when he recklessly casts a spell promising a new life, he's not prepared for the consequences... ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Ship of Theseus by GallaPlacidia Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  18240 Tags: Amnesia, Angst, Established Relationship, Angst with a Happy Ending, plenty of pining, a touch of infidelity but not between Harry and Draco, Hurt/Comfort, Draco and Ginny are best friends, Oneshot Summary:  When Harry gets amnesia and forgets he and Draco were ever married, he refuses treatment to remember. Inspired by an EXCELLENT fic by hupsoonheng called Remember Me. You don't need to have read it to understand this, but tbh you should just do yourself a favour and read it anyway. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Adrift by dysonrules Rated:  Mature Words:  13568 Tags: Pirates, Alternate Universe, EWE, Romance Summary:  Auror Harry takes a vacation in the Caribbean and ends up falling from the sky, straight into the lap of Draco Malfoy, modern pirate. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Hidden in Plain Sight by Momatu Rated:  Explicit Words:  56686 Tags: HP: EWE, Slash, Romance, Some Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Drama Summary:  Set four years after the Battle of Hogwarts, three years after Draco was abducted by person or persons unknown. Draco is now living in a small Muggle community and working in a library with no idea the Wizarding World exists, until one day, a bloke with a mop of just-shagged black hair comes in for storytime with a little boy to get out of the rain. Featured Book: Muggles Who Notice ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Just Another Recollection by mishaphappens Rated:  Mature Words:  13222 Tags: Memory Loss, Magic, Memory Magic, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Future Fic, Pensieves, Angst and Humor Summary:  Draco’s short-term memory is destroyed from Harry’s dueling spell, causing him to wake up every morning like it’s just the next day. When, in fact, it has been three years. We come in on the morning that Draco wakes up early and finds a Mister Harry Potter in his bed... ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 In Loco Parentis by Phoenixstrike Rated:  Explicit Words:  46797 Tags: Rape/Non-Con, Male Slash, Explicit Sexual Content, Rape/Non-con References, Original Character Death(s) Summary:  Five years ago Draco Malfoy and his wife were kidnapped, and nothing has been heard or seen of the pair since. It's been so long that Draco is presumed dead. Harry dotes on Draco's son, Scorpius, with whom he has been living. But when it turns out Malfoy isn't quite as dead as everyone assumed, Harry's life is turned upside-down. Set after Deathly Hallows and ignores epilogue. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Heaven Through a Window by JocundaSykes Rated:  Explicit Words:  81,211 Tags:  Non-Canonical Post-War Timeline, POV Draco Malfoy, Ensemble Cast, Healer Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, Pining, Slow Burn, Falling In Love, Snogging on Benches, Explicit Sexual Content, Sock Garters, Accidental Harry Acquisition, no infidelity, No character bashing, Obliviator Pansy Parkinson, Dysfunctional Family, Harry Potter Partially Epilogue Compliant, H/D Erised 2020, Drinking, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism (Not Harry/Draco), Smoking, Consensual Legilimency, Implied/Referenced Dieting, Memory Loss, Memory Charm | Obliviate (Harry Potter), Additional Warnings In Author's Note Summary:  Life is going swimmingly for Draco: he’s a respected Healer, his son is excellent in every way, and none of his patients have died recently. Then he gets landed with Perfect Potter and his hordes of stupid friends. It’s intolerable. But the more time Draco spends with the lonely boy from Surrey, the more he believes that there might be a hero within us all. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Partners by DeiStarr Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  1,530 Tags:  Slash, Male Slash, Gay Male Character, Romance, Memory Loss, Hurt/Comfort, HP: EWE, Auror Partners, Auror Harry, Auror Draco, Denial, Denial of Feelings Summary:  Draco and Harry are Auror partners and have been for years. Harry does not have a crush on Draco; he just doesn't. Then one day he gets into an accident... ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 (leave me with) a foggy mind by p1013 Rated:  Explicit Words:  4739 Tags: Heavy Drinking, Memory Loss, Confessions, Embarrassment, Porn with Feelings, Love Bites, Hands, Couch Sex, Anal Sex, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Dubious Consent, tagging dub con for not remembering the night before Summary:  Draco's halfway through a sip of some ridiculously named and priced mixed drink when Pansy says, as casual as someone commenting on the weather, "I think that's Harry Potter in the corner." ❤️ Read on AO3

[dragynkeep]

is the Adam artist thing about lisafahrenheit? I was curious so I looked at their blog and the only post I could find that would get that reaction was one that specifically condemned people who enthusiastically consume pedo and cp content to the point that it's part of their personlity. Was that enough to get you vagueposting about them? Idk I just think slapping someone who made a point of mentioning how shallow 'pro' and 'anti' labels are with 'anti' over that just feels a bit off, y'know?

1. stop fucking calling it cp, child abuse is not a porn category & both csa survivors & organizations who help us have begged people to stop calling it this.

2. the post lisa reblogges was purely about fictional content with ableist undertones, written by antis which we have both warned will earn a block. this rhetoric harms survivors, no one is consuming csem or "pedophilic content" when it's fictional & PIXELS. pro fiction people have explained this over & over & over.

3. if it walks like an anti, talks like an anti & spreads rhetoric like an anti then i will call them an anti; even if they don't "care" for the "pro/anti debate" like obviously they are enough to spout unfounded, harmful nonsense. especially when we're not seeing the same for antis who make death threats, suicide baiting, rape threats & doxxing part of their personality. it's only ever pro fiction ppl who say to stop fucking harassing people & just block. which is what i did so no, it's not "a bit off", im doing exactly what we said we would do on our pinned. good art doesn't excuse shitty, harmful mentalities. 💕

[kagetatsumis]

read shadow of the fox by julie kagawa!

cindy’s back with the ever insistent message that you should read shadow of the fox by julie kagawa! why should you read it?

found family

immersed in beautiful japanese mythology

high-stakes battles that deliver

a non traditional heroine who isn’t a warrior but her growth is really beautiful and she’s strong anyway

slowburn romance it’s the longing

great humor, well developed characters

literally if you’ve followed me this long and have not been interested in seeing tatsumi and yumeko like ??? have you been ignoring my textposts

cindy recommends it !!! fangirl with cindy :)

don’t know what it’s about? here, i’ll paste the synopsis for you so you won’t be too lazy to google it <3

One thousand years ago, the great Kami Dragon was summoned to grant a single terrible wish—and the land of Iwagoto was plunged into an age of darkness and chaos.

Now, for whoever holds the Scroll of a Thousand Prayers, a new wish will be granted. A new age is about to dawn.

Raised by monks in the isolated Silent Winds temple, Yumeko has trained all her life to hide her yokai nature. Half kitsune, half human, her skill with illusion is matched only by her penchant for mischief. Until the day her home is burned to the ground, her adoptive family is brutally slain and she is forced to flee for her life with the temple’s greatest treasure—one part of the ancient scroll.

There are many who would claim the dragon’s wish for their own. Kage Tatsumi, a mysterious samurai of the Shadow Clan, is one such hunter, under orders to retrieve the scroll…at any cost. Fate brings Kage and Yumeko together. With a promise to lead him to the scroll, an uneasy alliance is formed, offering Yumeko her best hope for survival. But he seeks what she has hidden away, and her deception could ultimately tear them both apart.

With an army of demons at her heels and the unlikeliest of allies at her side, Yumeko’s secrets are more than a matter of life or death. They are the key to the fate of the world itself.

Content and trigger warnings for graphic violence, graphic murder, graphic death, loss of a loved one, physical abuse, threat of rape, talk of suicide (seppuku), war themes, alcohol consumption, and insects (there is a scene with description of spiders, it is chapter 3) 

[yandere-mc-yt]

Content Warning & QnA

Before we get to the questions let me be completely upfront and obvious:

This is literally an 18+ Yandere Imagines blog that touches Dark Themes. This blog will talk about and explore every aspect of a Yandere character- from the sweet and harmless to the dangerous and sadistic. This blog will also have no qualms with talking about dark subjects such as: rape/noncon, incest, drugs, alcoholism, physical, emotional and sexual abuse, torture, suicide, mental illness, and death. Probably more shit if I could name it but this is the gist of it.

Now that is to say that Romanticizing or OVER Sexualizing these subjects and putting them in a postive light are not my intentions. I'm sorry if it may come off as such but I promise you it's not. I do tend to accidentally make it sound romantic but I promise I don't condone any of this behavior irl. Fiction is a safe way to explore these things if you know your limits. If these things have disturbed you or given you unhealthy ideas, please unfollow and block my blog for your own mental health and wellbeing.

QnA

Do you do [gender/sexuality] reader?

Yes! I'm a queer dmab person myself and would love it! Don't be worried if you think I'll reject your ask based off of gender or identity!!

Hey why do you headcanon/write [character] like that? [Other Blog] writes them like this!

Well that's because I have a different idea of how this character would act! Since these are all headcanons, different writers could have different headcanons for these characters.

Excuse me but that character is OOC!! In canon they-

Just like headcanons, people can also interpret characters differently. Of course I'm an unreliable narrator so I'm just writing them based off of my perspective! :)

Would it bother you if I sent you multi asks in a row? Sorry to bother you!

Absolutely not a problem!! I may not answer to back to back but as long as they're in my inbox, they'll get answered!

Do you do matchups?

Sorry but no. Perhaps in the future...?

[Insert long and complicated imagine ask]

I'm sorry but this is very confusing. Can you maybe dumb it down for me?

Hey is it REALLY okay if I ask about [noncon/incest/abuse/ect]? :(

YES. It's okay- I'll always add a trigger warning before the answered ask as well.

Can I ask for NSFW of [younger mcyt]?

Since I'm freshly 18 and everyone is at least 17? Yes- but ONLY becuase they're in my own age range and will also be aged up a bit. This is for the character by the way: everyone is written with the intent of being 18+.

[Insert drama/discourse]

[Deletes] :)

[Insert gross and extremely sexualized ask about abuse]

[Deletes] :)

[Insert rape or death threat meant to dishearten me]

[Deletes] :)

[my-emotional-self]

Toxic Love Chapter 8

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Finding out your soulmates were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes was one thing.  But when someone from your past comes back to haunt you, you have to figure out if a relationship with two super soldiers is something you really want to pursue or if you’d rather go back to your comfortable single life.

Series Warnings:  18+, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, past mentions of rape, self-harm, attempted rape, domestic violence, stalking, death threats, possible Dark!Steve?, Steve will be an asshole a LOT in this series but I don’t know how dark it will get, explicit sexual content, mental health issues, kind of A/B/O dynamics but not really (no they are not actual wolves, more like the hierarchy), mentions of suicide, flashbacks of suicide, nightmares

A/N: There will be no taglist for this story!  I apologize in advance!

Lucky for you, Darcy was in the communal kitchen when you went down for lunch later that day.  You had asked if she wanted to get out of the tower and do some shopping and she happily agreed.  

Sending off a quick message to Steve and Bucky, the two of you headed out.  It was decided that walking would be best instead of driving. The fresh air would be nice.  

Naturally you found out Darcy was a little nosey, but you couldn’t help but laugh when she asked what medications you took after picking them up.  “Just vitamins really,” you lied with a smile.  

The two of you went to a few shops and you picked up a cute black leather cross body purse with little spike details on them along with a new pair of sunglasses.  After that, you two headed to lunch.  

“I have to ask,” Darcy began to say after the waiter left with your food orders, “just how big are they?” You assumed she was talking about Steve and Bucky, but you were confused at her question and you cocked your head to the side.  “You know,” she said, using her hands as reference.  

“Darcy, what are you talking about?” you giggled out your response.  

“They give off big dick energy if you know what I mean,” she spoke so casually.  

Your eyes widened when you finally realized what she was talking about.  “Darcy!” you whisper screamed.  

“What?  A girl can be curious can’t she?”

You shook your head at her words, trying not to break out in hysterics.  “I wouldn’t know.  I’ve only known them for a few weeks and I just moved in a few days ago.”

“Well, I’m here for you when you are ready to discuss that.”

~~~

As you got back to the apartment, Steve was sitting on the couch watching the news.  He turned his head to face you when he saw you walking out of the elevator.  

“Did you have a fun time with Darcy?”

A smile crept onto your lips at remembering your conversation with Darcy earlier at lunch.

“Mmhmm.  It was nice to get outside and to stretch my legs a bit.”

Dropping your purse onto the kitchen counter with your medication discreetly tucked safe inside, you sat down next to him on the couch.  Steve wrapped his right arm around your shoulders and pulled you closer to him.  He smelt so good, like cinnamon and pine trees.  

“I’m glad you had fun. Bucky will be here soon and he’s going to cook dinner for us tonight.”

You weren’t overly hungry after having just ate lunch a few hours ago, but you were excited to have a nice quiet evening, just the three of you.  

“Did you get off early today?” you asked with curiosity.  

“Yeah.  We’ve got to leave tomorrow for a mission so Fury gave us the rest of the day off.  Bucky’s down working out right now.”

As he spoke, you couldn’t help but stare at his mouth.  His top lip was nearly covered by the mustache of his beard while his lower plump lip looked delicious enough to nibble on.  Without even thinking, you ran your hands through his beard.  

“Are you ever going to shave this off?”

He chuckled at your words. “I might.  Why?  Do you not like it?” he asked as he turned to face you.

“No, I do.  I actually really like it.  I was just wondering what it would be like to kiss you without your beard.”

His lips parted at your words as his eyes glanced down to your lips.  The two of you stayed that way for the briefest of moments before you practically pounced on him.  Throwing your leg over his hips, you straddled him as your lips connected once again.  Steve’s lips against yours felt like heaven.  Pure euphoria.  The man knew how to kiss.  

Your hands gripped the back of his hair, pushing him closer to you.  Steve’s hands were at your waist at first, but slowly moved back to your ass, squeezing roughly.  You gasped into his mouth and you knew that was his intended purpose.  His tongue conquered your mouth, causing you to moan. And that little moan of yours sent off a chain reaction.  Steve’s hips bucked upwards and you felt him growing hard beneath you.  Your hips ground down onto him, grinding back and forth over his length.  

“Steve,” his name a mere whisper as his lips travelled down your throat and to your collarbone.  He nipped it with his teeth before leaving a scorching path of hot breath and wet saliva up to your throat and then he hit your sweet spot.  Right at your pulse point, he latched on with his mouth, sucking furiously and you damn well knew there was going to be a hickey the size of a fucking dinner plate.

Your nails scratched his scalp and you heard the most delicious moan come from his lips.  You never wanted it to end.  You wanted this to keep going.  As your hips kept grinding back and forth, you felt an orgasm approaching. Steve sucked harder as his hips continued to thrust upwards, his hard cock straining in his jeans against your soft black leggings.  

“I’m….I’m gonna….” But before you could finish your sentence, the elevator pinged.  You and Steve immediately stilled all movement; the brink of your orgasm fading quickly away as Bucky cleared his throat.  

“Did I interrupt something?” he asked with a devilish grin, looking between you and Steve.

“Great timing Buck,” Steve growled out.  

Bucky couldn’t help but laugh as he headed into the kitchen and started taking out the ingredients for dinner.  

“Sorry sweetheart,” Steve said before giving you a chaste kiss on the lips.  He helped you off of him and before you could say anything, he got off the couch and walked towards the hallway as he adjusted himself in his pants.

~~~

“So, what are you making for dinner?” you asked Bucky as you hopped up on the kitchen counter and watched him work.   Steve had to go talk to Fury at the last minute about the upcoming mission so you decided to keep Bucky company in the kitchen.

“Ma’s famous spaghetti and meatballs,” he replied as he started molding the two pounds of meat into meatballs.  

Not wanting to get your hair in any of the food, you took the hair tie from around your wrist and piled your hair into a messy bun at the top of your head.  As you watched his hands work effortlessly, you didn’t notice Bucky staring at your neck.  

“He got you good didn’t he?” he stated with a grin, nodding his head to your neck.  

“Are you jealous Bucky?” you teased him back, nudging his arm with your elbow.  

He shook his head, a soft snicker coming from his mouth as he rinsed his hands off with soap and water before moving the meatballs into the pan.  

You had come to realize that you loved watching him in the kitchen.  He moved about so easily, almost as if he was dancing.  He really knew what he was doing.  

Before you knew it, he was standing in between your legs; his arms on either side of your thighs, caging you in.  His blue eyes zeroed in on the hickey Steve gave you, inspecting it closely.  

“I’m not jealous doll. Stevie and I are on the same playing field.  You are ours. Both of ours and we know how to share.” His face now in front of yours, noses nearly touching as you inhaled his scent.  Like Steve, he had a woodsy smell to him, but instead of cinnamon, he smelt of mint.  Mint and woods.  

His blue eyes locked with yours and your breathing became ragged.  Bucky moved closer, but instead of his lips meeting yours, he turned his head at the last minute and his mouth latched onto your neck.  Tilting your head back, you let out a breathy moan. You knew what he was doing; cheeky bastard.  He was giving you a hickey on the opposite side of your neck from where Steve left his mark.  

Your legs came up to wrap around him, pushing his hips closer to yours and you immediately felt the bulge forming in his pants.  “Oh Bucky,” you mewled as he hit a particularly sensitive part of your neck, sucking vigorously.  The familiar twinge of an oncoming orgasm was starting to build and you were more worked up than ever, especially since you never full got off when you were hot and heavy with Steve earlier.  

As Bucky’s lips remained attached to your neck, you felt his metal arm drop to your thigh.  His fingers began trailing up and down your inner thigh; small gasps and moans continue to flood out of your mouth.  As his fingers trailed closer to where you wanted him to touch you, you felt like you were going to burst.  You knew with just one soft touch of his metal fingers you would be sent over the edge.  

But it didn’t happen. Just as his fingers were mere millimeters away, Steve cleared his throat.  Bucky let go of your skin with a pop; his lips red and swollen from his ministrations.  “Sorry doll. Stevie has bad timing,” he said before giving your lips a quick kiss.  

He went back to cooking as Steve tried to hide his smile the best he could.  

“UGH!” you screeched as you hopped off the counter and began to march towards your room.  “You are BOTH cock blockers!”  

~~~

The following morning you were saying goodbye to Steve and Bucky.  They had both apologized for the previous night and you were still peeved. Not about the hickeys.  No.  You loved that they had each marked you.  You were pissed about nearly orgasming with both of them and then each of them cock blocking you.  Assholes. You were so wound up, it took everything in you to not get yourself off that night, but one of your rules was not to touch yourself.  So instead, you stood under a cold shower for you don’t even know how long.  

Steve gave you a kiss on your forehead.  “Now be good. The rules especially apply while we are gone.”

You nodded your head in understand.  Bucky gave you a kiss on the cheek.  “Please be a good girl for us and stay out of trouble.”

Shaking your head, you let out a laugh.  “How can I get into trouble when your taking all the trouble with  you.”

“Very funny,” Steve said as he hit the button to the elevator.  You watched as both men climbed inside.  

As the doors began to close, you spoke, “Please be careful.”

[your-brilliant-lady-m]

South Korean music industry at a glance: an outsider perspective

I watched one particular AMV last week. The song used for the video was “I’m afraid” by Korean rock band DAY6. I was pleasantly surprised as someone who values lyrics in song first and foremost. The music itself was great. I’ll listen to their songs again. It’s a nice fit for my music taste. Naturally, YouTube’s algorithm decided that I’m a fan of everything Korean after 1 video and started spamming my recommendations with k-pop songs, documentaries and everything in-between. 

I watched a couple of videos, listened to some songs and discovered fascinating patterns. So, I went down to the comment section. And it was rather interesting experience, should I say? The concept of entertainment industry in South Korea simply begged to be explored more after this. I dug deeper and visited Tumblr k-pop tags and briefly glanced upon Instagram and Twitter. And, oh...

I am a big picture person and I enjoy both studying and creating systems. This one was particularly fun to explore. I discovered a lot of new things for myself. Perhaps, you can discover something new for yourself too or take a step back and look at this from a new angle. 

Disclaimer: it’s impossible not to offend someone on Tumblr, so keep that in mind. That being said, I do NOT intend to insult of offend anyone. It’s just a little research done for fun, because I love research with a purpose. This post is NOT A HATE post. No hate intended for fans, artists or other people involved. It’s meant to be a discussion, nothing more and nothing less. If it sounds like hate, it’s just my sarcastic sense of humour.

Content Warning: I mention suicide, death, depression, rape in a couple of sentences. There’s nothing major or graphic, but it’s there. 

In this long post I decided to share with you my opinion, a so-called outsider perspective, on the world of music entertainment industry in South Korea and people involved in it on different levels. I use the word “outsider” mainly because, that’s exactly what I am in this case, as someone who is in no way involved in k-pop community. I can’t name you a single band or their members. I don’t know any solo artist and can’t neither sing nor name you any song. 

And to be completely honest, I don’t think I will set my foot into k-pop fan-circles ever again after everything I saw. 

Think of this as “In this essay I will...” meme, except there’s an actual essay.

As far as I know, in South Korea “k-pop” refers to all music produced in SK, including solo artists, various bands, singers-songwriters. It doesn’t even have to be pop music. Koreans include in this definition all genres of music. However, around the world “k-pop” means primarily music made by idol groups and bands marketed for children, teenagers and younger people. In this post I use the latter definition, because that’s how most people understand “k-pop” in other countries. Therefore, my statements, opinions and conclusions here would concern only idol music. 

The music industry in South Korea is heavily influenced by culture and traditions of the country, just like all things are. And there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, different backgrounds are what makes people so interesting and unique. However, when combined with consumer mindset, desire to generate profit at any cost and fast-paced nature of modern life these neutral cultural elements could produce something concerning, and it can lead to disastrous consequences. 

1. Idol

These people are called artists, musicians, singers, bands, groups, performers. In South Korea and in Japan, however, people call them Idols or Stars. I’ve also seen Muses, Princes and Queens. Interesting, isn’t it? The terminology used to describe these musicians in South Korea is one of the key elements in this whole entertainment system. You’ll see why.

But who or what is an idol exactly? Let’s take a basic definition from Wikipedia.

“In the practice of religion, a cult image or devotional image is a human-made object that is venerated or worshipped for the deity, person, spirit or daemon ... that it embodies or represents. In several traditions, including the ancient religions of Egypt, Greece and Rome, and modern Hinduism, cult images in a temple may undergo a daily routine of being washed, dressed, and having food left for them. Processions outside the temple on special feast days are often a feature. Religious images cover a wider range of all types of images made with a religious purpose, subject, or connection. In many contexts "cult image" specifically means the most important image in a temple, kept in an inner space, as opposed to what may be many other images decorating the temple.

The term idol is often synonymous with worship cult image. In cultures where idolatry is not viewed negatively, the word idol is not generally seen as pejorative, such as in Indian English.”

Cambridge Dictionary defines idol as follows:

And here’s the definition from Oxford Dictionary: 

This is a centrepiece of this tapestry. Surely, you have noticed by now what these definitions have in common. 

Idol = a cult image of a god, a deity 

By calling these musicians “idols” industry makes society and audience treat them in certain way, namely as gods. What characteristics do gods possess? They are beautiful, talented, funny, confident and graceful, blessed by eternal youth of immortality. Gods have no flaws, they do not bleed, they are above human concerns. They are an embodiment of perfection. They are stars, you could not reach. 

But real people are not like that. They can be sad and angry, insecure. People don’t have perfectly symmetrical faces. They can’t dance in sync without preparation. They can’t sing like angels at any given moment throughout the day.

What happens when idols accidentally reveal their humanity? What happens when people see, that they make mistakes and do stupid things, that they need to train hard to appear graceful on stage? 

I will tell you. And it’s not pretty. But, first, let’s look at other elements of this system. 

2. Y/N and Self-insert fantasy

Aside from the music, K-pop sells the self-insert fantasy to the audience. It’s carefully arranged to appear real, where the cracks are masked and every word is scripted. The reality is so vivid that one doesn’t even have to use imagination all that much, because all scenarios and decorations already exist. Countless interviews for TV and magazines, fan meetings, talk shows, reality shows made sure people are privy to all juicy details of personal lives and opinions of musicians. And also one word - merchandise. Some of that merch made me question my life choices. Some of it is, ah, creepy or has weird vibes. All of this provides plenty of material for people to work with. Fans can effortlessly imagine themselves beside their idols or even in their place. 

In a highly competitive society, where people throw themselves into studying and work since young age, forming deep and lasting connections with others is very hard, sometimes impossible. As a result, people long to have a group of close friends with similar interests, a loving partner who would cherish them endlessly. People want to be rewarded for their backbreaking efforts to succeed by the carefree life of fame and music, everlasting friendships and love. And in a way you can’t really blame them for his. 

Does this dream life sound familiar? We are looking at K-pop bands here. It doesn’t really matter if their members don’t always get along or that they can live in debt, that fame is fickle and adoring fans can tear your self-confidence to shreds. Audience wants the glamour of fantasy and the industry is more than happy to cater to these desires. 

Perhaps, knowing that even for idols this fantasy is sometimes unattainable makes the whole set up feel just a little cruel. 

3. Fans, stans and fandom culture

We’ve already established earlier that idols are gods in the eyes of people and listed traits they must possess. So, what else do gods need to exist? Worshippers. Because a cult is worth nothing without its followers. Gods need a group of people to worship them and spread their beliefs. The role of worshippers is performed by a fans in this case. 

Apparently, there is a running joke that girl groups need to win a general public popularity and boy bands need a big passionate fandom. It seems to be true according to my observations. 

In k-pop fandom people use the word “stan” to state that they like or support particular group. Now, I am sure everyone here knows that in other fandoms, dedicated to movies, shows, books and games there’s an important distinction between being a “fan” and a “stan”. What is it? 

A fan is someone who likes a ship or character, creates and/or consumes fandom content, supports certain ideas, discusses things they enjoyed and disliked, criticises canon. Stans, however, are a different breed. They engage in all typical fandom activities, but their support and enjoyment becomes obsession. Stans believe their favourite characters and ships are immune to criticism, that they are superior no matter what others say. Stans start shipping wars, send anon hate, death threats over fictional characters and hurt real people. Stans are considered toxic fans. And majority of normal civilised people don’t like them and try their best to let stans hang out in their echo chamber by themselves. 

In other fandoms and communities, to be a fan means to love, support and enjoy something, while to stan means to obsess over and hyperfixate on these same things. Words “I stan” rarely mean “I support” for most people, and if they do mean that, it’s only used in a joking manner (”We stan procrastination legend!”, “I stan our miscommunication kings”).

Everywhere else “stan” has only negative connotations, except in k-pop. But what has changed? What’s the difference? Why do international fans scoff at “shipper stans” and then turn around calling themselves “stans of X k-pop group” at the same time? Does it make you wonder? 

And this is another core theme of k-pop, in my opinion. In fandom where stan = obsession = support, you can see interesting patterns. 

Fandom loves their flawless gods. But watching them from afar is not enough for some people, because unlike deities in different religions, these gods live among us. People are very much aware of that. Industry has created a cult and laid the groundwork for worshippers to express their adoration in every way including personal contact. And who wouldn’t want to meet their god? Who wouldn’t want to know more about them or tell them how much you love them? In talk shows and fan meetings there is only so much one can do after all.

People desire to know more, to have more so much that their obsession transforms into concerning stalker tendencies. These crazy individuals follow idols, stalk them on social media, in hotels, research flight numbers, bribe security. Musicians were attacked and poisoned. I strongly suspect there were cases of rape that no one knows about. There is even a special term for these fans - “sasaeng”. 

Is there a definition for stalkers of actors or musicians in western world? No, I’m pretty sure there isn’t. They are just called “invasive/obsessive fans” or “stalkers”.

Also, there are sasaeng memes. Yeah, you heard that right. I enjoy some classy dark humour as much as the next person, but there is a fine line between normal and questionable. 

Back to the topic of stalkers. Do you realise how disturbing that is? Such behaviour is so common that there is a term for it. You create a fandom-cult, encourage people to worship k-pop idols as gods and then act surprised when members of said cult become fanatics and their adoration becomes obsession.

And it’s so easy to step on this slippery road. The system makes it ridiculously easy. Lines begin to blur. How much is too much? Where do you draw the line? 

While sasaeng fans engage in extreme real-life obsession, people online aren’t that far off, to be honest. I’ve seen it all: imagines, headcanons, fanfiction, real-person shipping, reactions. Real person shipping is a controversial topic. Some people support it, others don’t. I suppose I’m among those who don’t get it. I’m not exactly against it, but I find it strange. Mainly because it’s based on assumptions made by fans about personalities and behaviour of real people. 

Assumptions. Dear me! K-pop fandom has this thing with video compilations. I’ve never seen this phenomenon being so widespread in any other community or fandom. Basically people edit together a collection of short clips from talk-shows, interviews, Instagram stories, some YouTube videos, etc and then proceed to analyse every gesture, word, facial expression of idols and provide both audio and on-screen commentary. These videos and many other forms of similar analysis allow people to imagine what kind of personalities idols have, what kind of life do they live. It’s the source material for fanfiction, imagines and headcanons. 

But it’s not real. It’ll never be real. It’s an illusion, an image, a stage persona. They fall in love with a face and made up personality. And I think that when people create this content they can forget this. Fans can develop certain emotional dependence and unhealthy attitudes in the long run. In some YouTube comments even supportive and encouraging words sound whiny and obsessive. And semantics of being a “stan” of certain group or individual doesn’t help. 

4. Industry, companies and liars 

At last we arrive at the most important aspect of music entertainment industry - its creators.

Have you seen “The Road to El Dorado”? It’s one of my all time favourites. It has iconic characters, adult jokes that I didn’t get as a child and iconic soundtrack. I’ll quote “It’s Tough To Be A God” a lot here. 

In South Korea music industry is a factory, the production line to be exact. This kind of set up affects everything in the grand scheme of things. Companies and agencies play the role of training centres and record labels. And there are so many of them that a whole new scamming system developed based around fake idol agencies. It implies that there are people who fall for offers of these agencies and continue to do so. I suspect that victims must pay a fortune upfront before they realise their mistake. Are there any kind of legal protection against such scams? How can people verify the authenticity? Because a well masked scam can exist for a long time before someone discovers it and calls them out on their nonsense. 

As far as I understand legal companies work like this. After high school, which is often focused on performing arts (and private schools can get away with using talents of students for personal gain, which is totally not surprising), young people can audition for an agency and become an idol in training or idol-trainee. And passing audition is hard. But good recommendations can help, connections too. 

During training you don’t get paid. Only a few companies pay aspiring musicians. People can spend years in training and don’t debut. But rent, necessities, clothing and food (not that you need much of it, but more on that later) cost a lot. Where do you get the money to live then? Support from parents, one or two part time jobs at most and bank loans. Surprise! We found an unexpected (just kidding, it’s very obvious) party, who reaps benefits from the system. 

You need skill to be an idol. Natural talent helps too. The more skills you have, the cheaper and faster your training is. To level up your game you attend classes every month offered by your agency, which are not cheap (dance classes range from 400$ to 1000$ per month, sometimes more). There are four main categories in evaluation process: vocals, rapping, dancing and visuals. Idols are multitaskers, to have a chance on stage one must be perfect at everything. And people are ready to invest thousands of dollars into their kids training so that they could have a chance in entertainment industry. South Korea thrives on revenue k-pop industry generates every day.

Let’s pause here for a second and think about what kind of people come to these agencies. The answer is easy. People who have a dream, a desire, a real goal. You don’t wake up one day and decide to become a k-pop idol. Sometimes people get invited by agencies (after prior acting, modelling career or any other form of exposure). These people are usually very young. Some start straight after high school, some after university, but 25 years old is considered a late start. Compare that to western musicians who start singing at any age and still become famous. 

But why this age limit? Because idols are eternally young. So that in public eye musicians are remembered as 20 year old gods. People would listen to their music and imagine a young attractive face. Career in k-pop is short, it lasts 5-7 years, rarely longer than that. It’s even less than modelling or acting can offer. And professional sportsmen retire in their late 30′s. Some play longer, but usually, that’s it.

If you live in Los Angeles and say that you want to be an actor or performer, no one would bat an eye. It’s like saying that you want to be an engineer or accountant. Similarly, in South Korea becoming an k-pop musician is a real career. Because part of the self insert fantasy that the industry sells is the idea that anyone can be an idol. It’s easy after all. Anyone can pass auditions and become a trainee. A trainee with no guarantee of debut. But one should never underestimate the power of idol-dream. After all, idea is the most resilient parasite.   

“My friends started training in kindergarten. They have wanted to become idols since young”

“A lot of young kids get interested in Korean music” 

A 6-year old child sees the performance of k-pop group for the first time on TV. Let’s say it’s a girl. She is enraptured and decides that she will be like that too someday. She grows up, while being part of the fandom, just like all idols are in one way or another and whose fan-obsession transforms into desire to succeed. Her parents spend time and money to find her tutors, to fund dancing and singing classes. Perhaps in high school this girl decides to fix the shape of her eyes and make nose straighter. She trains hard and passes the auditions in her dream agency. And during training this girl faces the reality of behind the scenes life in music industry.

“Why are you crying? I’m not even pushing you”

“How many times have I told you? The rest are doing it perfectly”

“She is dancing like an elementary school student“

“I watched your performance as a spectator who bought a ticket to your concert. I want a refund“

“You make my ears hurt. I don’t want to listen at all”

“Listening to you was tiring”

“I’ll kick you out instead. You won’t debut”

“I thought I was going to die. That’s how determined I was” 

While I do understand that keeping a high quality standards in media industry is important, there are more productive and healthy ways to motivate someone to improve and be more passionate, you know? Constantly insulting people with sadistic glee and putting them down at every opportunity or calling them ugly to their face doesn’t do much. 

Do you think that children know about this? Do they know about soulless teachers and belittling managers? Do they know about friends who are really your competition, so you shouldn’t get attached? Do they know about living in debt? Do they know any of this? No, I don’t think they do. 

Children dream about the stage, about the sea of lights and crowds who chant your names. They want adoring fans and photoshoots. They want to appear on TV and magazine covers. Teenagers want the thrill of performance, they want to share their music and dancing with others. 

“I don’t know how many times I cried alone”

The truth is cruel. But they won’t give up easily even if it means sleeping 4-5 hours and consuming no more than 500 calories per day. Because giving up means that your whole life was a lie. One can’t afford not to be good enough. Giving up means admitting that all efforts and money your family invested into your dream were in vain. It means losing face before your family and friends - a fate worse than death. Imagine living this idol dream and building your whole future around it and then being told that you’ll never debut because of the circumstances outside of your control or something minor, like face shape or 1 kg of weight that your body refuses to lose. It can break you. Especially if you are like 18 or something. 

5. “And who am I to bridle if I'm forced to be an idol If they say that I'm a God, that's what I am”

“I don’t think there’s anything a tough as being a trainee in Korea”

Once you are a trainee at the agency your personal life does not belong to you anymore. You can’t go out without permission of the agency. You phone is taken away. Your diet and weight are monitored. Bad habits are not allowed (no smoking, drinking or drugs). Oh! I think I found the good thing in the system! Unfortunately, it won’t last. Trainees can’t date or meet with family without permission of agency. Dating is very taboo. Even established idols can’t openly date. 

Why is that? Because gods can’t belong to anyone. Their lives are property of the fandom. Because openly dating idols destroy the self-insert fantasy. There was a former idol girl who dated another musician. She was called a whore by her fans, her loving and adoring stans. You might know who I am talking about. Would you call an American actor or singer a prostitute for dating someone?

Trainees sign the contract. And how can a young person straight out of school or university know much about what makes a good contract in entertainment industry or what makes a good contract in general? Even if you do understand the terms fully you would still sign it because if you have come so far, you can’t let your dream slip this easily. There isn’t a choice. Not really. If you want to debut, you will agree to anything.

What about life after debut? You have to pay off your loans. And company takes 60-70% of your group’s earnings. Artists themselves get 30-40% and split it between themselves. K-pop groups have from 5 to 10 members or more than that. Each person gets less than 6%. Idols are not filthy rich. They are not. These earnings are practically nothing compared to the work you have put into this. 

Idols are musicians, who often don’t even write their own songs, music or create choreography. But if public doesn’t like the song and musical number the company created, they blame idols for the failure. Such an amazing logic we see right here. But people say that sharing music is the best part of idol life. But whose music? 

Models on catwalk are not there to demonstrate their physical beauty, they are blank canvas for works of clothing designers. Same with k-pop musicians. They act like puppets in a way, whose faces and voices are used to show audience someone’s music and songs. Some groups do write their own music and lyrics and it’s nice to know that. But those, who don’t are rather unfortunate. It’s a nice tool of psychological control and pressure for an agency. They can hold it over group and use the following rhetoric: “We gave you everything! Why can’t you follow the simple instructions” or “Where would you be without us? It’s not even your music!”

I called k-pop industry a factory. That’s true. Dozens of people become trainees every year. These talented young people are fully prepared to do anything to achieve their goal. They are ready to practice until they collapse, starve themselves and pour themselves into every song. Companies know that. Tell me why would they value their idols as individuals, as people, as human beings if they always have a replacement? Why bother with mental health of their artists if next year they could have a fresh set of people, who are younger and prettier? Why try to improve relationships inside groups if you could fire any member and replace them within a month or two?

In western countries famous bands have different stories. Some were friends since high school, who played in bars and during festivals and then they were noticed by some representative of label company, who offered them a contract. Some groups were formed by like-minded people who bonded and decided to share their music with the world. There are many stories, but ultimately the have one thing in common. Bands in the West often form themselves. These people had time to bond, connect, discover each other, solve some disagreements and learn to work around their differences. 

K-pop groups are formed by their agencies. They are their property in a way. Company selects the best and puts together these total strangers, appoints the leader with marketable face and personality and then expects them to work together like a well-oiled machine. No one has time to bond during training, because other people are you competition, not friends. And then you must learn to work as a team and be best friends on camera for the audience to support the self-insert fantasy. It’s no wonder that k-pop groups don’t get along sometimes. And every member knows that they are replaceable. It doesn’t help in forming connections. Groups can’t just terminate contract and go to work with another agency. I heard it happens sometimes, but it’s not a done thing. Unlike in other countries where bands just sign the deal with a different label and release their music under their name if they don’t like the old conditions. 

“It's tough to be a God But if you get the people's nod Count your blessings, keep them sweet, that's our advice Be a symbol of perfection Be a legend, be a cult Take their praise, take a collection As the multitudes exalt Don a supernatural habit We'd be crazy not to grab it So sign up two new Gods for paradise”

But is it really a paradise?

Idols are expected to act cute, to match personalities created for them by fans or media. They have to act according to the concept of their group. They have to be a symbol of perfection: skinny, single and with a face perfected by surgery. They are allowed to mess up, but only in a cute way. They can break down and cry, but only if it’s “aesthetic”.

Weight issues are a separate topic. Sometimes I wonder whether managers in companies understand how weight loss or human body in general works. To be honest, I think that scales in agencies are rigged. And only managers know that. I know it can be done from personal experience. Some beach resorts tweak their scales and make them show 4-6 kg less than actual weight, so people wouldn’t get upset if they gain some. There is no way a girl as tall as I am (173 cm) could weigh like 47-50 kg and be able to perform complex choreography on stage and sing without being out of breath, visit the gym on a regular basis and generally function as a normal human without fainting every other day.

“I developed a lot of eating disorders”

“I think I consumed about 300 calories today“

“Someone, please, trim the fat off her arms”

If you grow up thinking of idols as gods and then, when you become one of them you think that you must act as one too. But being an easily replaceable god is a heavy burden. The industry, companies and audience want you to be perfect, to always be on your best behaviour. And the thought of not being good enough or divine enough terrifies you, because stans have no mercy (black ocean concept is the most stupid thing ever by the way). This kind of pressure can destroy even the most resilient. And it does. 

Almost everyone knows that situation with mental health in South Korea is not the best to put it lightly. In many ways it’s a cultural thing. But in k-pop mental health issues are treated with even less care. Gods are not supposed to be depressed or suicidal. They are not supposed to have fears or insecurities, can’t be upset or angry. They try hard to be this deity, this image. So, even when they realise they need professional help or even a friend to talk to, they either won’t seek said help or reach out only to be met with silence. Some agencies disapprove or forbid therapy altogether. 

Sometimes fandom becomes self-aware.

“Don’t forget that idols are people too!”

“Your favourite idols are running out of breath just to keep you entertained“

“They are humans, who have feelings!”

Oh, but here’s the thing, my friend. The industry doesn’t want you to think of them as people. Companies and media repeatedly reinforce the idea that they are not people, they are your idols. And strangely enough, the audience supports this idea. People continue to call them idols, developing worshiping tendencies in the process, imitate them, scrutinise their flaws and triumphs. Because, you know, only “real and ordinary humans” can have flaws, not “idols”.

So people who say “they are human too” and people who say “wow, this concert was amazing, but vocals in the beginning were so off-key, I simply can’t” are one and the same.

This thought process would have been funny if it wasn’t so disappointing. But that’s just my observation.

And here’s another thing about sexualisation. I said before how appearances are everything, marketable face and body could drastically improve your chances to succeed. Companies know about this too and concepts and aesthetics of groups are designed accordingly. Girls are dressed in skimpy outfits, their dances are unnecessary suggestive, they wear heavy make up and try to have “mature” vibes. Boys don’t avoid such objectification either: suits, tight pants and dress shirts along with make up and hairstyle to give audience a promise of the things to come. Grown adults are not supposed to lust after 15-17 year olds. You can’t just create a sexy stage persona for teenagers. Do you remember my earlier words about creepy merch? Yeah. All of it neatly plays into the self-insert fantasy and encourages obsessive behaviour. 

This happens in western countries too. In some way that’s understandable. Beautiful and sexy image with a hint of innocence attracts more people and sells, because it caters to one of the base human instincts. But some things make your skin crawl. 

Sponsorships are another topic. Some k-pop bands seek out sponsors to provide financial aid and cover expenses, when earnings are not enough. Sometimes these sponsorships are fine, perfectly civil. But sometimes it’s a prostitution. Girl groups receive money and provide sexual favours to their patrons. It’s a way for the group to gain financial support and even find new opportunities in the industry. Companies can encourage such deals. Let that sink in for a moment. 

6. “Any advice to those who want to become a k-pop idol?”

A lot of former idols and trainees have similar responses to this question. 

“I don’t want to discourage anyone, but think twice”

“You only see the glamorous side, but don’t see all the hard work that goes into it”

“It’s not what you think”

“They think ‘Since I am good looking and can sing and dance really well, maybe I should become an idol?’, but there is much more to it“

“They think it’s something that is easy and will keep their family set for life financially”

And this implies that most people don’t know what kind of lifestyle k-pop stars truly have, despite the amount of information available online about “behind the scenes” proceedings.

7. Moving on

I am a practical person and every decision I make is subjected to scrutiny. And after seeing everything I can't help but wonder whether idols believe it's truly worth it. What keeps the industry alive is the idol-dream, the wilful ignorance of its reality and youthful idealism, the beautiful naïve belief that it'll get better, even if it never does in the end.

Sure no one would ever admit it out loud, because it's one of those things you never say on camera, no matter how sincere you have to be. It's the matter of professionalism after all, and idols have it spades. And also, because admitting this would equal admitting that you spent your best years doing something you both loved and hated, admitting that this was a mistake.

When you grow up in a society where appearances matter the most, where saving face and being polite is more important than staying true to yourself, where individuality is tolerated only to a certain point, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you need a break. I greatly respect those who decided that idol lifestyle is not for them and moved on.

8. Conclusion

To sum up, I hope you enjoyed my small research and this perspective, since you have read it all the way to the end.  

You have noticed that entertainment industry is an intricate system and its every component makes sure nothing changes. Companies have power over idols and audience, fandom has power over idols and their careers, and musicians themselves have fame and their music, but not always the promised fortune or happiness. 

It’s important to understand the big picture to draw your own conclusions and encourage positive and heathy attitudes in fandoms. Being open minded and allowing people to make mistakes and live their lives the way they want to is a part of being a decent person. People don’t owe anything to others. Art is about sharing your thoughts and feelings, promoting ideas and spreading beauty. It’s not always about money. And I think that this is what k-pop lacks as an industry. It turned dreams and human need for self-expression into business. Here everything is turned into a product. Everything idols touch can be sold, sometimes literally. Industry created problems, which can’t be solved anymore, because doing so would topple the system. And I find it tragic. Trapped in an endless chase after perfection creators of k-pop forgot that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. 

If you take a look at comment sections and posts on different platforms, what will you see? What kind of things resonate with audience? What makes people laugh and cry? When people start to appreciate the substance?

“Everyone needs to hear this song in their darkest moments”

“Thank you for your music!”

“They always deliver! These guys can’t make a bad song!”

“It inspired me to write again!”

“Their songs brought me and my sister together once again”

“This is what happens when you let groups write their own music - they make incredible things”

“They really are legends of k-pop! I love that they are not afraid to show their inner strength”

“Stay strong! You rock!”

I believe that the answer is quite simple: when it’s real, sincere. It’s all about the message you choose to send to your audience, because only superficial things cause obsession. When you say that the sparkly façade is all that matters, then that’s the only thing people will ever care about. Your audience will never give a damn about the meaning behind dancing, music or lyrics, if you tell them that performance is more important. No one would praise WHAT k-pop idols sing, instead they would prefer wasting breath to criticize HOW they sing or look or move. 

I dare the k-pop industry to prove people that it’s not just about looks or perfection, or laser shows, or being a branding machine. Prove to your fans that k-pop artists are also passionate people with big dreams and talent, who love every moment of their job, who live and inspire, who are human just like us and whose humanity is real!

Do it, you cowards!

And now, I’m finished. I can hear the raging crowd of k-pop fandom in the distance, which means it’s time to hide. See you some other time! 

[re-shouto]

Tags

Original Content/Reblogs:

☞ art ☞ bnha edit ☞ bnha meme ☞ character analysis ☞ dissociroki ☞ for those who need to hear it ☞ from mun ☞ from Shou ☞ let Shouto ☞ manga reference ☞ lyrics ☞ recovery ☞ Shouto’s sense of humor ☞ therapy notes ☞ thoughts ☞ todorokitty ☞ traumacore ☞ queue ☞ 燈矢に (to Touya) ☞ 日本語

Roleplay:

☞ answered ☞ ask meme ☞ dash game ☞ fanmail ☞ headcanon ☞ info ☞ mun speaks ☞ open starter ☞ promo ☞ replied ☞ rp starter ☞ self promo ☞ Shou speaks ☞ talk to Shou

Referenced:

☞ … ☞ Bakugou ☞ catharsis ☞ Class 1-A ☞ doll ☞ everyone knows now ☞ Iida ☞ Midoriya ☞ Natsu-nii ☞ Neesan ☞ Okaasan ☞ Oyaji ☞ Touya-nii ☞ Sero ☞ Yaoyorozu

Roleplay Partners:

☞ Aizawa (tiredheroes) ☞ Bakugou - Vigilante (explodo-dome) ☞ Bakugou - Third Year (iamgroundzero) ☞ Bakugou (ofdetonation) ☞ Bakugou (ooh-ouch-me-bones) ☞ Bakugou (tenacityblitz) ☞ Endeavor (animaferox) ☞ Eri (epanalipsi) ☞ Eri (howshesparkles) ☞ Fuyumi (ofastereae) ☞ Iida (engxne) ☞ Midoriya - Villain (kibouhero) ☞ Midoriya (midoriya-aka-deku) ☞ Midoriya (ooh-ouch-me-bones) ☞ Midoriya - Villain (vsagis) ☞ Miruko (animaaudax) ☞ Natsuo (animabenevolus) ☞ OC: Flavorant (tiredheroes) ☞ OC: Kurai (shroudedhero) ☞ OC: Miyako (rubygoldberg) ☞ OC: Noelle (angelicflurry) ☞ Shouto (etglacies) ☞ Shouto (hironii) ☞ Shouto (icy-hot-chilled-peppers) ☞ Shouto (repressedkindness) ☞ Tamaki (manifestedsun) ☞ Tetsutetsu (austempered) ☞ Thirteen (spacesinthevoid) ☞ Toga (anchoredstowaways) ☞ Touya - Hero (hopelesslypersisting) ☞ Uraraka (ofgravitation) ☞ Yaoyorozu (hakkajiten)

Content Warnings: (cw:)

abandonment

abuse

anger

based on a true story

blood

body horror

bug mention

burning

burns

child abuse

child neglect

cussing

death mention

disordered eating

dissociation

domestic abuse

emotional abuse

emotional neglect

father’s day

fear

fire

gore

hopelessness

hypersexuality

intrusive thoughts

irl

loneliness

long post

mental illness

mother’s day

negativity

nsfw

personal

physical abuse

ptsd

rape

retraumatization

scars

self harm

strangulation

suffocation mention

suicide

suicide ideation

text formatting

threats

toxic shame

trauma

vent

verbal abuse

vomit

☞ Return: Pinned | Desktop

[ratfuck]

Is it crack, ma'am? Is that what you do? Do you smoke crack? He was a positivity blog who's last post was about how much his mental state had taken a dive! That's your fault! In your post (hey, I wonder why it was fucking deleted, hmm?) You only quote jokes by him as proof that he's a pedo.

since your response is to ask me if I smoke crack while you singlehandedly express you have no fucking literacy in regards to what I have posted,

It doesn't matter if it's a positivity blog, that makes things worse. Time and time again he has shown that he doesn't appear to actually care about important topics unless he can gain clout from it. He constantly trivializes and infantisize civil rights groups like Black Lives Matter. His support for trans people or any other marginalized group at severe risk goes nowhere outside of posting a photo made in microsoft paint of his goldfish png pasted in front of a pride flag. Whenever he screws up, like the time he offended lesbian woman by making them seem like violent men-hating ferals, he immediately starts cry typing until his fans start forking over money to patreon, make tribute art for him, and harass the people who call him out on his bullshit. There is a difference between actually showing support for marginalized people, and using marginalized people as a way to propel your own popularity by making yourself seem woke. Even if he does go by any pronoun, and says he's pan, you still shouldn't put yourself in front of other's voices if you have nothing to contribute besides trite made to make people clap for you.

His mental state did not take a dive, and he was no suicide threat. This behavior is consistent with other internet shitbags who generate sympathy when they're caught doing dumb, bad shit. He made one comment about having an intrusive thought after some weirdo made fun of him, and then left for a month while you people starved for content and attention from him. Except he didn't really leave, because he was making private posts for the people who pay him for "content" on Patreon.

I deleted my posts a few days after that worthless CreepshowArts youtube animator/rantsona made a 20 minute essay on me, instantly fucked up and misgendered me before immediately uploading a "corrected" version (I honestly do not buy that this was an accident, if someone's going to stare at my blog for 20 minutes they should be able to pick out "trans woman" in the fucking header, and the people telling me that it's my fault I got misgendered because of my blog theme are HUUUGE assholes). Almost instantly I got sent hate mail telling me to kill myself, calling me a tranny/trap/fag, anons writing graphic descriptions of raping me and killing me, and a 14 year old wrote a fantasy about me where they abducted me, tortured me for hours with a knife, then stab me to death. I have a perfectly good reason to have deleted my post, because I was being singled out as a trans woman while the other people who made the callouts didn't receive any of the type of harassment I received.

Yet again you dumb fucks cherry pick what you see and stick to it. You completely disregard the incident where his discord was moderated by hand-picked people who openly expressed how they think MAP is a sexuality, that talking with minors about sex is perfectly okay. You disregard that Fish, despite claiming how he hates pedophiles and never interacts with them, is still friends/mutuals with that Gaud fucker who was outed consuming similar pedo content and being a transphobe. You conveniently disregard that he followed accounts that posted loli content daily (even if it IS sfw sometimes, its pretty fucking concerning that an adult is following an account that posts drawings of little girls in swimsuits or lifting up their skirts in front of the viewer), an artist that openly states that their pedophilic shipping of Kid Icarus characters is their life (which they draw CONSTANTLY), an account that posted Spiderverse adult/minor shipping, and a Rick & Morty account that posted incestuous/pedophilic art of the characters engaged in a relationship. Of course, when that evidence IS brought up, you people just claim that he did that on accident. How do you know that? You say it's follow-for-follow, but why would a Japanese account that posts lolicon material that is speaking Japanese ONLY have any interest in some performative idiot who makes Gay Rightz posts as a goldfish? How come none of these accounts followed or liked, commented on, or retweeted Fish's tweets at all? Your failure to read into the stuff I posted, as well as the other information gathered by individuals isn't my fault.

Most importantly, how do you people see this shit and conclude that it's not problematic in the slightest? Some of the people defending him straight up are saying that it's okay if he consumes that content, because he's not ACTIVELY sexually abusing minors? The only evidence YOU have is second-hand, word-of-mouth BULLSHIT spewed by people who are actively biased towards him. You have NO screenshots to confirm that he followed these accounts on accident or purely out of an innocent follow-for-follow game. You have NO testimony from him or people he's been involved with that state he is this pure source of positivity and enrichment. You have NOTHING besides a collection of 13-17 year old who are clearly absorbed in his cult of personality, pedophiles jumping to the rescue for someone accused of consuming pedophilic materials, and edgy internet trolls who just want a chance to harass a trans woman for warning people of a manipulative, creepy fuck spouting the same, tired, uninformed, uneducated, sympathy baiting rhetoric over and over and over again hoping for me and the OTHER people who made these posts about him to delete so you can go back to your delusion that everything is alright.

Until you have actual, serious, damning proof that me and other people are entirely wrong, and that I'm some sort of sick twisted fuck doing this SOLELY to harm some nobody positivity blogger on some backwater social media site, YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[tomoreadsandlistens]

A Girl on the Shore

A Girl on the Shore:   Written and art by Inio Asano

SPOILER REVIEW

Considering this is my first manga review, I wanted to elaborate about a short series that truly impacted my entire being recently. There’s only a few manga (and anime) out there that’s ever really affected me emotionally, but I felt compelled to express the deep impact “A Girl on the Shore” had on me. I feel this is the right platform to do so since I don’t really have anyone to talk about this with. I want to remind everyone since my Introduction post that everything I do on here is opinionated. This is just my own personal review on this story, and you’re more than welcome to agree or disagree. Fair warning, this review will contain spoilers and will most likely talk about the NSFW content. If this is a story you cannot handle, I would really not recommend it. The artwork in this manga does get graphic at times, so it’s not for everyone.

With that being said, if you’re ready for an emotional roller coaster, buckle your seat belts! This IS a long post so please bear with me.

First Read:   Curiosity got to the best of me when I stumbled upon an article online about an “angsty” manga about a few months back, I noticed “A Girl on the Shore” was written about and recommended. On a whim I went out and bought it, as simple as that. It is currently published in English by Vertical Comics in an omnibus completed edition of volumes 1 and 2. I have to admit, the description on the back of the omnibus really did not follow through to exactly what the story was about. If anything, somewhat false advertising on their end. However, the emotional roller coaster ride I endured was not regrettable, and in fact completely not what I expected. So to Verticals’s credit they tweaked the description to grip you right in.

The Story:   This story is about two, very broken teenagers that are searching for something. Searching for something they cannot achieve. Searching for an escape of themselves. These two teens, Koume and Isobe, emotionally manipulate each other and never truly expressed how they were ever really feeling, to one another. The way this dramatic plot expressed teenage mentality really hits the nail on the head, especially for those who have experienced sexual experiences at a very young age; A Girl on the Shore does not shy away from these issues and in fact does get quite blunt about its experimentation on sexuality. The sad truth to this is that it IS so relatable that it’s actually pretty disgusting that society pressures early on how one “should” have to have sex to feel accepted, especially minors. Plus, truthfully, middle school and high school is a time where one appears impressionable, but once someone is not like the others, they’re practically shunned out of the group and ultimately judged to the extreme. It is especially evident with Koume’s character, who can’t even admit to her friends she ever liked Isobe later on in the manga, nevertheless hooked up with him!

Right from the get go Koume asks Isobe out of the blue to take her virginity as a result of Misaki, your local high school playboy, rejected Koume even though she performed a blowjob on him, through manipulation of course. Regardless of the fact she confessed her feelings to Misaki, she was still taken advantage of. With that being said, this is how the story begins. As the story progresses, Isobe and Koume begin to experiment with each other through casual sex, with no meaning behind it. These two characters never even kissed. Isobe agrees to be Koume’s sexual partner regardless of how he originally had a huge crush on her in the past, and currently. As the story unfolds, both of our main characters go through drastic changes within their toxic relationship.

The Characters:   Koume is a very vulnerable young girl who lost some faith after her experience with Misaki; She wanted to fill that deep void using Isobe and continously had sex with him to try to get over it. It is certain that most people who have experienced their adolescent years would recognize this scenario, not just with sex but most of us have replaced situations with others to fill that sadness in our hearts. Especially her being a female character, she was manipulated by an older teen which is basically statutory rape through oral sex. Koume originally wanted to spend time with Isobe just for sex. Keep in mind that Isobe consented to this. Given the fact they are both born the same year (Koume being 15 and Isobe’s birthday was half a year later into their “relationship”); there’s not much of an age gap to deem this as “rape”. Isobe absolutely could’ve realized what he was getting himself into from the start when he agreed to her. At one point in the manga Isobe acknowledges that for his age he shouldn’t be having sex, implying how emotionally disconnected, ashamed, and used he felt in the end. He recognized eventually that their sexual encounters were getting too toxic for his well being, so he begins to neglect her. On the other side of the coin, Koume eventually grows to really like Isobe, but she was terrible at expressing it, and eventually it became too late to do so. The sex with Isobe became more yearning for love than for her own pleasure. She couldn’t connect her head to her heart; which most teenagers don’t realize at this time. Considering how she didn’t want to deal with embarrassment and judgement from her piers, she kept her entire experience with Isobe to herself. She insisted she had to keep a certain image to the general public. However, you do see throughout the manga the emptiness Koume felt as she stares off into space, holds her phone waiting for something, thinking of how to talk to Isobe, even just laying around; you can easily see her quirks of loneliness.

Isobe is first glanced as a shy, curious character who had his hopes up when the opportunity to have sex with the girl of his dreams was provided to him. You also learn on the side when Koume isn’t present that Isobe once had an older brother who killed himself on Isobe’s birthday, which is September 15th. Ever since his death, Isobe felt emotionally devastated, unheard, lost, longing to avenge his brother, but yet he literally did not say a word about any of this to Koume throughout the entire manga. That to me was one of the most heart breaking occurrences in this story. Knowing how Isobe was suffering and refused to talk about it, concerned that he would never be accepted nor understood. It breaks my heart. All he wanted was to have a perfect romance blossom with Koume but their disconnects and misunderstandings really pushed the both of them away from each other.

Title Meaning:   A Girl on the Shore is a double meaning about Koume and another character who is nicknamed “a girl on the shore”. Isobe and Koume find an SD card for a digital camera at the shore which contained pictures of a random girl doing daily life things and hanging out at the shore. Isobe kept the SD card and admired this individual for her beauty and appearing to be nice. Koume does show her jealousy and deletes the pictures from Isobe’s computer. This is part of the reason why Isobe begins to ignore her. After Koume gets ignored for a period of time, she encounters Isobe at school, attempts to talk to him and he then threatens to kill her if she ever touches his computer again. Ever since this threat Koume goes along with her summer attending School camp, while her depression takes a toll and becomes desperate to see Isobe and longs to understand what’s going on with him. You can tell communication was needed and yearned for, but it really lacked out of fear and rejection. Koume shows up at Isobe’s house after School Camp, and they both have sex for the entire rest of the day. This was the last time they ever had intercourse. Isobe expresses to Koume that he was suicidal, wanting to end his misery. Koume is skeptical of this but she implies that she would care if he died. After their last encounter Isobe doesn’t show up to school for a while, and Koume begins to get concerned. On the day of their school festival, on Isobe’s birthday, Koume provides a present and letter to Isobe, which she hoped to express her feelings for him, to him. She begins to search for Isobe throughout the town during a tropical storm. Isobe is seen walking throughout town near the shore, which could be indicated that he was contemplating to take his own life the same way his brother did in the high tides. Koume is seen screaming Isobe’s name at the shore, and the storm begins to subside and the sun appears. Isobe is seen at at coffee shop having peace and quiet to himself. He leaves the shop and sees a girl standing next to him which turns out to be “the girl on the shore”. Koume ends up throwing away Isobe’s present and card when she assumed he may have taken his life.

A week after the school festival Koume sees Isobe at school and requested to talk to him over the weekend near a dock. Isobe appeared different with his hair cut and how he went on about himself, he acted happier. He tells Koume about “the girl on the shore” and expressed how he’s aiming to attend the same high school as her. It is clear that he’s also putting up a front to prove his point that this other female character is kept contact with him and potentially is an open window for a future relationship. Koume becomes devastated. She admits that all of this was her fault for what she physically and mentally put him through, and confessed her love for him seeking a second chance to make up for her selfishness. Isobe rejects her and leaves Koume at the dock. Almost two years go by, Koume is now appeared older and has not seen Isobe since that day. She is now seeing a guy eerily similar to Isobe and has not told anyone about him. It is absolute that till this day she is still putting up a different image of herself, and seeks to be with someone a lot like Isobe.

The last bit of this manga is Koume at the shore with a childhood friend she hasn’t seen in a while, Kashima. They catch up for a bit with how school is going for the both of them, until Koume notices a couple walking along the shore together. Personally, I really think these two figures are Isobe and “a girl on the shore”. You only see small, cropped imagery of the two but it seems to me this is what the manga artist wanted to go for. These two figures are also seen up close kissing without showing their entire faces. Meanwhile, Kashima explains that every bit of experience shapes into who you are, but you have to take the future into your own hands and not always expect everything to be handed to you. Koume starts to realize this and claims that she found something bigger than what she was searching for, she answers: “the sea.” My theory for that entire scene is that Koume purposefully left her SD card in the sand at the same spot where Isobe found “a girl on the shore” the first time. In the previous scene before, the boy Koume is “dating” gave her a camera. She tells him the only pictures she took was miscellaneous things and some selfies, but she demonstrates while turning on the camera that she “lost” the SD card so no images were seen. It is obvious that she had the same exact type of pictures “a girl on the shore” took as well. I believe Koume is trying to repeat history but yet is trying to reach Isobe, so he can find her SD card, see her pictures and hope for him to come back to her. She wants to be the next “girl on the shore”.

In Conclusion (Final Thoughts):   I first want to say thank you so much for making it this far in my review. I know I didn’t really talk about the Kashima arc but it wasn’t my main focus on the entirety of this story. I must’ve cried a million times reading A Girl onthe Shore. Between the GORGEOUS artwork, the way both characters are portrayed is so spot on to how teenagers act and feel in real life; they are both reckless and similar but yet you can see how different they really are. I truly feel sorry for Koume and Isobe. I desperately wanted their relationship to work out. I wish I can give them both a hug. I really felt that it wasn’t enough time with these two characters. I wanted MORE. I am desperate to see what the future holds for Isobe and Koume. I wish happiness for the both of them. It appears that Koume has taken responsibility for her loss. Isobe seems to now be in a stable relationship and ACTUALLY kisses someone. A part of me wishes that they would reunite somehow, but we all know it’s better off they went their own separate ways. I really think Koume noticed Isobe at the shore, which could be plausible to her mentioning her seeking the ocean at the end of the manga. When you first read this manga, you may feel turned off by how young looking Koume and Isobe are, artistically, so at first I thought this book would be a major turn off. Gradually you notice Koume and Isobe aging so it became easier to read. In regards to the sexual content, this is a type of story that should NEVER turn you on. It is so far from gearing in that direction I’d actually question anyone for thinking this is attractive. The point of this content is that the artist is covering issues which the vast majority of society may have dealt with. It is a very psychological enduring story, and perhaps nostalgic to some. The upbringings of these characters are very much like real life and it needs to be considered spoken about. Teenagers will think they know what it means to take on adult situations, but they are SO young to be dealing with this at 15 and 14. This is why parents should really talk to their children. Teenagers go through shit all the time that some parents would never consider nor assume, trust and honesty is so important these days; so please PLEASE talk to your children. Especially if they are engaging in sex early, they should be aware of the emotional (and of course physical) repercussions that they may suffer with. A sheer warning, if you will. Mental health is no joke. I must’ve reread this manga at least 10 times by now and every piece of dialogue said makes more sense to me each time, and becomes more painful to read. I wonder if other people have done this and felt this way too. I wish Inio Asano, the creator and artist of this manga, would be interviewed about “A Girl on the Shore.” I’d love to see what he’d say about it. Sure as all heck I’d request a sequel if given the opportunity to talk to him! I’ve read numerous of opinions and interview articles about A Girl on the Shore, while I whole heartedly agree on most of them, I’m appalled how some people could consider these characters as “sluts”. THEY ARE CHILDREN. They can’t be considered sluts when not only were they BOTH in this together, but they were BOTH manipulated and MANIPULATING!!!!! AND DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING. Again, they’re children. They can’t completely fully understand the consequences because of their YOUNG MENTALITY. None of them slept with anyone else either. So please, spare me the slut argument.

Do I recommend this manga to everyone? That depends. Depends on the maturity level on the person to read a story as intense as this. However, I would never force this story on others because some may not be comfortable with the artwork, and that’s totally fine. The artwork isn’t meant to be comfortable to begin with. But if you want a really good teen angst manga that really dives into the mind and analyzation, please read this story.

Until next time~ Tomo

[the-ronan-cycle]

Diverse Book Recs

I recently typed up a list of books for a friend who said she’d stopped reading because she couldn’t find diverse/queer books. This list is predominately focused on queer diversity but there’s also lot’s of super awesome ladies and poc here too. The list is also in two parts, the first are all books that I’ve read myself and include me trying to give a summary, content warnings (If I can remember, I can’t guarantee they’re all exhaustive.) and a rating. The second part has books on my to read list that, to my knowledge, have queer characters. All of the titles are linked to their goodreads page.

I Was Born For This - Alice Oseman

A Hijabi ace fangirl goes to London on a week long trip to meet her internet friend and go to the concert of her favourite band. Jimmy, the trans, gay, mixed race, mentally ill singer for said band is figuring out how growing up famous has changed himself and his friends. They cross paths and stuff happens. A really interesting look into fan culture, both the good and the bad. Really fun characters and relationships. Written by the same person who does the Heartbreaker webcomic. CW: alcoholic behavior, brief mention of unintentional trans outing 4.5/5

The Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater

Welsh mythology meets small town Virginia. Gorgeous, poetic writing by Stiefvater tells the surreal story of a group of teenagers on the search for a lost welsh king and wish foretold if one wakes him. Along the way they discover the power of ley lines, dreams, and ~friendship~. One of the main characters (my favourite character) is canon queer (he’s into a girl and guy but like, the word bi isn’t explicitly said) and one of the other main characters is canon gay. It’s a difficult story to describe but it’s such a fascinating read. CW: child abuse, alcohol and drug abuse, there’s a scene in the second book that I think the author confirmed was sexual assault 5/5

Shades of Magic Series - V.E. Schwab

Avatar the last airbender meets pirates and royalty and multiverses. In this world there are 4 earths that intersect at London. Kell is one of the only two people who can travel between Londons. Grey London is our world, Red London is Kell’s, full of magic. White London is a wasteland barren of magic and ruled by bloodthirsty twins. Black London is dead. The main cast of Kell, Lila Bard, a pirate thief who gets caught up in the adventure, Rhy, the (gay? Bi? I forget lol) prince of Red London, and Alucard, (also gay? Or bi?) actual pirate have to save the multiverse! Lots of great subplots, written by a queer woman and impossible to put down. If you saw me with my kindle in class after winter last year, it was because I literally couldn’t stop reading. CW: frankly it’s been too long since I read it im sorry 5/5

Leah on the Offbeat/Simon vs the Homosapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli

Simon Vs is the book Love Simon is based on. Simon (gay) has a mystery pen pal, Blue. All he knows is that Blue also goes to Creekwood High and is gay. But Simon leaves the emails open on a school computer because he’s a dumbass and then also an ass but the bad kind, Martin finds them and blackmails Simon. It’s similar to the movie but I prefer the book! There are some scenes and plot points that didn’t make it in. Also his friends don’t suck as much when he’s outed. Leah on the OffBeat is the sequel about Simon’s friend, Leah. She’s bi! Simon thought all his friends were straight but jkjkjk gays flock together. Cute wlw high school story. CW: character is outed against their will, underage drinking  SVTHA 5/5 LOTO 4/5

The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue - Mackenzi Lee

Main character is a total slut and we support him. Bi and ready to party. But wait it’s the 1800s and that’s not super chill. In a final hurrah before he has to become master of his family estate, Henry Montague takes his best friend (gay and also ready to party) and, reluctantly, his little sister  (ace and ready to be a doctor) on a tour of the continent. Along the way they discover a plot and their trip turns upside down. There’s pirates! Period accurate medicine! Characters unlearning their prejudices! CW: Child abuse, period typical homophobia, sexism and racism 4/5

Captive Prince Trilogy - C.S. Pacat

hEAR ME OUT. This is probably my favourite series I’ve ever read. You’ve heard of enemies to lovers? Get ready for enemies to friends to lovers to enemies to allies to lovers! Crown Prince Damianos of Akielos is caught up in a coup lead by his half brother and sent to the enemy nation of Vere to be a pleasure slave for their crown prince, Laurent. Now here you think it’s gonna be some kinky sex romp but it actually becomes the best political intrigue with a thoughtful, loving, very vanilla romance. “If you gave me your heart, I would treat it tenderly”. Dw they only have sex after the whole slave thing is over. Also, they abolish slavery so there’s that. If you don’t like the first book,  I get it but just try the second book, the tone changes with the change of setting. The author does some really interesting stuff with her setting. Typically writers will just make society reflect our by default but Pacat threw that out, homophobia? Never heard of her. In Vere it’s actually taboo for men and women to have sex before marriage because of the threat of bastards. So everyone just is gay instead. You want a matriarchal warrior women country? Pacat has got your back. The series does lack in well written women. There are a few women but not enough, Pacat has talked about this and is basically like, u right, I’ll do better in my next series. Written by a queer WOC (kinda? Woc is the wrong word but just read these tweets where she describe it better than i ever could)  and I love it, the end. CW: child abuse, child sexual abuse, incest, rape, sex slavery, prostitution, graphic violence, non consensual drug consumption, child death, suicide, torture, animal death (also it should be obvious but none of these things are glorified, the abuser is the worst and he sucks and everyone hates him) 6/5

Carry On - Rainbow Rowell

Based on the Harry Potter parody series from Rowell’s book Fangirl. Simon Snow (doesn’t ever figure out his sexuality but had a girlfriend and boyfriend) is the chosen one, orphaned and brought to a magical boarding school, must save magical britain from evil. His best friend, book smart Penelope and his (possibly evil and a vampire? Also gay) roommate Baz must work together to defeat the humbug. This book has a really fantastic closed magic system and gives the character very clear limits. CW: rat death? 5/5

Queer There and Everywhere - Sarah Prager

A nonfiction book about 23 people throughout history that were both queer and very cool. From Frida Kahlo and Abraham Lincoln to the actual Danish Girl and Kristina Vasa, Prager dives into the lives of many historical figures who were also queer. A really wide gamut of women, men and nb, cis and trans, white and poc. Could have had more historical figures from the east. A fun, easy read. Made me cry, i want lesbian moms. 4/5

Huntress - Malinda Lo

It’s been a few years since I read this so bear with me. Cool magic girl main character and less magic but also cool other girl as well as a misfit group including the prince and a badass lady named shae (hell yeah) have to go into the fae world to right the magical imbalance of their world. Wlw, written by a queer woc CW: I don’t remember sorry 4/5

Outrun the Wind - Elizabeth Tammi

(I’m actually only half way through this) (Also it’s written by a mutual of mine on tumblr so that’s tight) A queer retelling of the greek myth of Atalanta. Atalanta (bi) is taken by the hunters of Artemis and has to help them defeat Apollo who’s being shitty. Wlw, written by a bi lady CW: animal death

Iron Breakers trilogy - Zaya Feli

Bastard Prince (queer), Ren, is happy to be out of the line of succession and just party it up but suddenly is framed for the murder of his brother and on the run along with a prisoner who escaped with him. Ren is faced with realities of y’know, not being a prince and decides to help save his country. Political intrigue with some twists I didn’t guess. MLM CW: slavery, graphic violence 4.5/5

All for the Game trilogy - Nora Sakavic

Think dark, queer, sports anime but with a co-ed team. Neil Josten (demi sexual- “which way do you swing? “I don’t?”) is on the run from his mob boss, murderer father and finds himself on the collegiate exy team of the palmetto foxes. Exy, a violent cross between lacrosse and soccer is Neil’s favourite thing but the team is made up of misfits. Neil has to survive both his father and the Raven’s (another exy team) owner, another mob boss, coming for him and his team. Super fast paced, very intense, after the first book I couldn’t put it down. The characters are all super interesting as are the relationships. Multiple mlm relationships, one briefly mentioned wlw couple CW: (o boy here we go) suicide, graphic violence, graphic torture, non consensual drug consumption, alcohol and drug abuse, prescription drug abuse, non consensual kissing, rape, child sexual abuse, sex work, mention of gay conversion therapy, discussion of self harm and self harm scars, child abuse 4.5/5

The Posterchildren - Kitty Burroughs

It’s been years since I read this so I really don’t remember much. It’s about a school for superheroes. Definitely wlw I don’t remember any else 4/5

Six of Crows Duology - Leigh Bardugo

A misfit group of criminals is hired to travel north to break into an impregnable prison. The cast of characters is lovable and the plot is fast paced. It’s set in the same universe as Bardugo’s first series but you don’t need to read them. (I did and they were ok but six of crows is better). Two of the main characters are mlm. CW: gore, graphic violence, child abuse 4.5/5

The Percy Jackson Series and Magnus Chase Series

I don’t need to describe these lol. PJO has two canon gay characters, the most recent series has lesbian and ace huntresses of artemis, and a bi main character. Magnus Chase has a non binary main character starting in the second book.

On My To-Read List:

Orlando - Virginia Woolf

I love her writing, it’s poetic without hurting my brain to read. This is a classic queer novel. It’s been said that Woolf wrote it as a “love letter” to Vita, her lover. The main character changes gender throughout the novel.

Stars in Her Eyes - Clare C. Marshall

I bought a copy of the first book in this series from the author at a convention last summer. It’s about a school for people with powers. I asked and apparently there’s a queer character but you don’t find out til the second book.

Ash - Malinda Lo

A wlw retelling of cinderella by the same author as Huntress.

The Academy Journals - Garrett Robinson

Apparently there’s trans, lesbian, gay, poly, ace, bi, pan! It’s about a magical school. It has really good reviews on goodreads so that’s promising

The Abyss Surrounds Us - Emily Skrutskie

There’s gay lady space pirates. Actually maybe not space? Idk i got space vibes

Vicious/Vengeful - V.E. Schwab

A story about moral greyness and supervillains. Kinda reminds me of Nimona tbh. I heard the main character is ace?

Our Bloody Pearl - D.N. Brynn

There’s mermaids, and pirates, and it’s gay apparently. The main character uses they them pronouns I think.

Breaking Legacies - Zoe Reed

Fantasy wlw by a trans dude (i think? They went through some sort of gender transition but i can’t find their pronouns)

The Dark Wife - S.E. Diemer

A wlw retelling of Hades and Persephone

The High Court Series - Megan Derr

Fantasy political intrigue mlm and I was told the main character is trans

Btw my rating system was basically:

4/5=i enjoyed reading it and would recommend it but probably wouldn’t read it again

4.5/5=I really liked it and would probably reread it

5/5= i love it, i either have or plan to reread it