#consequently i am better
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hope you feel better soon!
I am riddled with ailments, but I stay silly!
#ask#non mdzs#My health journey has been: Hernia -> acid reflux -> Vocal pain due to aforementioned reflux -> chest infection.#I'm terrified to know what's about to hit me next. Please let it be something kind. PLEASE.#The consequence of living with linguists is that you'll wake up with a wacked up voice -#suddenly you're sitting you down in front of a program called something like Praat having your shimmer and jitter levels calibrated.#They gave me a GRBAS of 33012. I have a fun thing called a pitch break where a whole octave just does not exist.#My vocal pain was bad enough I ended up seeing a speech pathologist and that whole experience was super neat!#I learnt a lot about voice - to be honest I might make a little comic on it after some more research. Fascinating stuff.#For example; your mental perception of our voice modulates the muscles of the vocal folds and larynx.#meaning that when you do have changes (inflammation = more mass = lower frequency)#your brain automatically attempts to correct it to what it 'should sound like'. Leading to a lot more vocal strain and damage!#And it gets really interesting for trans voice care as well - because the mental perception of one's voice isn't based on an existing sampl#So a good chunk of trans voice training is also done with the idea of finding one's voice and retraining the brain to accept it. Neat!#Parkinsonial Voice also has this perception to musculature link! The perception is that they are talking at a loud/normal volume#but the actual voice is quite breathy and weak. So vocal training works on practicing putting more effort into the voice#and retraining the brain to accept the 'loud' voice as 'normal'.#Isn't the human body fascinating?#Anyhow; Now I have vocal exercises and strategies to reduce strain and promote healing.#Which is a lot better than my previous strategy of yelling AAAH in my car until my 'voice smoothed out'.#You can imagine the horror on the speech path's face. I am an informed creature now.#I'm my own little lab rat now. I love learning and researching. Welcome to my tag lab. Class is dismissed.#I'll be back later with a few more answered asks </3 despite everything I'm still going to work and I need the extra sleep.#Thank you for the well wishes! And if you read all of that info dump; thank you for that as well!
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people who sew>>>>>
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oh
i am. unwell.
#LABRU NATION LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO#BRO I AM EATING DIRT AND FLINGING MYSELF OFF A CLIFF#mentally i live here now#in this hand holding scene#i’ve watched this scene in three different languages#and all the kabru VAs got The Memo#speak to Laios in soft husky sexy tones#killing me with a knife would have been better#it would have been merciful#because what do you mean this is their last interaction for a good long while#someone pls put me out of my misery#or there will be consequences#like me writing insane labru fic idk#wasabi rambles#labru#laios touden#kabru of utaya#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#oh … dungeon meshi …
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oh you know it's all latestage capitalism but the thing is. how are you supposed to be a person inside of this. a person trying to be a better version of yourself.
oh, you started working young, which was kind of hard, but it's just the way stuff works sometimes. and it was 2008 and your family couldn't afford heat. but it's fine, you grow a spine and get used to the professional world and besides it was the suburbs we're talking about here, like, your life could have been actually hard, so what if your father lost his job and you can't afford to move or turn the lights back on. and once you start making money, it's good. you keep doing that. because now they're relying on you. so you have to do that.
oh you were in thousands of dollars of debt at 17 years old so that you could go to school, because you have to go to school if you want to get a "real" job. you even did it "right", you worked parttime and attended community college before you transferred to a public school. you were under so many merit scholarships.
which is fine. you pick yourself up and you say like, okay. i graduated college. i'm holding down a job. i'm doing the Adult Thing, which looks and acts like this, according to all the books i've read. you start with the shitty job and then you climb that corporate ladder.
but the shitty job doesn't cover rent and you stretch yourself too-thin so you get sick. good luck with that. the shitty job no longer pays for your meals. everyone asks why you don't just move, but there's nowhere to move to. and with what money are you going to be moving? and then the loans come back, because they were never going to forgive them, because you were 17 and trying to do the right thing, which was stupid. people are now saying you shouldn't have even gone to school.
which is fine. but because you have no other option, so you do the shitty job, and you apply every day for like 5 new ones, and despite the fact everyone says "there's no one who wants to work!" it's actually just that nobody is fucking hiring so you can either work for 13 dollars an hour in the shitty place you know (where at least you have a passingly friendly relationship with the manager) or you can start from scratch again with a different 13 dollars an hour without knowing how much abuse from the new job you'll be taking.
and if you quit you lose your insurance. if you quit you lose your housing. if you quit, you'll be another burnout kid. the lazy ones. these assholes, look at them!
and you come home to a family dinner and you hear from your father the same old thing. how he worked hard at his job and yes it sucked for a while but he was able to provide for the family and then the house and the dog and the rest of barbie's dream vacation. how the insurance did cover some of it. how you just really need to start speaking up more in manager conversations so they know you're a go-getter. you want to tell him - did you know we're actually doing more now hourly than any previous generation? - but you can't remember where you heard that statistic, and you're far too tired for the fucking argument. and then he starts in on his usual bit. where's the house? where's your kids? where's your ambition.
the same job the same money the same hours doesn't do it anymore. the same nose-to-the-grindstone now just shreds your face off. there's no such thing as upwards mobility, not really. and as far as you're aware, the money certainly is not trickling. you do the soulless stupid shit you signed up for because you fucking have to or else you literally risk your life (food, the apartment, the insurance), but it's not getting you anything. you download the stupid "save more" app and you budget and you do every right thing and then the price of eggs is 7 dollars and you say - oh great! another thing i have to fucking worry about now!
and you go to your stupid job and everyone in your father's generation just tells you to be better about being an adult. they have their homes and their savings account and their bailout and they say. well have you tried not drinking starbucks. well your generation just spends too much on clothing. well you might just be too addicted to travelling. and you - because you need the job - you bite your tongue and don't say i am being held prisoner and you're suggesting i stop pacing my cell if i don't like the scenery and you don't say what the fuck do you think i've been doing with my money and you don't say i haven't spent a cent on something nice in literally forever much less coffee you arrogant asshole. you open and close your bank app and check your loans and check your credit score and check fucking zillow and ziprecruiter and apartments.com just one time more. and still they give you that demeaning little grin and say - see, what you need is -
what you need is for your meds to stop being so fucking expensive. what you need is for the housing bubble to explode into dust. what you need is for billionaires to choke on their wealth. what you need is actual help. what you will get is more economic advice from people who are older-and-wiser.
and above you, almost in a glimmer, you can see the wedged smile of your debt getting toothier, wider.
#i hate when people try to tell me i didn't do it right#what should i have done better#i did it ALL the right way#(not that there is a right way)#it's just that others feel comfortable believing that THEY did it the right way and that's how they made money#whereas i must have just committed a sin somewhere in there! i MUST be doing it wrong!!!#and i'm not a victim!!! im simply experiencing consequences!#and im like. where . where. wherewherewherewhere#i graduated top of my class. i was almost the student speaker.#i have always excelled at work and i work hard#i have been working since i was 13#WHERE !!!!! IS MY FUCKING !!!! MONEY!!!!!!#ps please do not make the assumption i am ablebodied or neurotypical.#i am neither of these things.#it DOES get worse if u are either of those things. so fuckin much#but @ the one anon who was like ''u could be X that would be worse u don't know how lucky u are''#.... don't i?#do i need to be luckier than someone else#or is it possible we are BOTH victims?#and that we need to work TOGETHER to resolve it#not just wave it off since it COULD be harder for someone else... it can be true we BOTH deserve better
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so do you think he succeeded?
#i woke up out of nowhere at seven in the morning with his speech playing in my head over and over again#a better world. a free world. turn me into shredded paper#and i was thinking about how i would be really annoyed if the wish never had any consequences because if that was the case félix deserved#to make his own. in this new world there's still obfuscation. people are still pulling the strings. there's still fucking nepotism LMAO#i also almost put the ring scene as who gets powers and who doesn't because i think a lot about whether ladybug would have granted all#sentimonsters autonomy or only the ones she perceives to be human#i didn't because i couldn't find anything else that fit what's right or wrong but know i have many thoughts on this subject#miraculous ladybug#🌃#ml gifs#ml emotion#ml recreation#ough... félix#sunny from the future here i kept this in my drafts for a bit but it shall now be dispensed to you because i am a magnanimous ruler
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Ouaw has ruined me. I keep reading certain sentences in certain characters voices. I have to internally correct myself when seeing the words macabre or banana (and now alibi) because of Gricko. For fucks sake, man.
#‘I’m gonna rewatch witchlight’ I said#’there won’t be any consequences’ I said#‘it’ll help me write the characters better’ i said#well now they’ve infected me worse than they did during my first watch goddammit#legends of avantris#once upon a witchlight#ouaw#I know this sounds like a /j post but I’m actually being /srs here#it’s actually really concerning now#I am going insane
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I made my post about Dean Highbottom and then as I was writing my tags realised that his Hunger Games counterpart is Haymitch. and now my head is in my hands and I don’t think I’ll ever recover
#IM GOING TO CRY. I am part of the system I never wanted anything to do with it#I killed so many people without laying a hand on them. I never ever asked for this. I tried to say no. my hands are still bloody.#both turned to drugs to cope. both had a mentee who reminded them of someone they hated so much#(snow reminded the dean of his old friend. katniss reminded haymitch of himself)#both knew exactly how the games worked and all of its consequences because one made it and the other lived it#both lived in the shadows of the past and never really got out from it#but in the end one of them chose to be cruel to the children who they were asked to mentor#and the other loved even when it was killing him#god. twenty three years and they never managed to drown the fire out of him. his heart broke again and again#but he held onto those shards even as they made his hands bleed. and then one day two children appeared and pieced it back together#and some of it was missing and always would be. you can’t undo twenty three years of alcoholism and pain and grief and self loathing#but a lot of it was still there. far more than he ever even believed could have survived#Haymitch I love youuuuuuuuu I will always love you#and Dean Highbottom you were kinda cringe and lame. guynobody ass bitch. do better#haymitch abernathy#dean highbottom#thg#the hunger games#a ballad of songbirds and snakes#abosas
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*crawls out of 2 yrs’ silence on mdzs* in a modern au Lan Wangji’s reliance on structure and rules could closely mirror the way some students advance immediately from bachelors to masters to phd without taking breaks because it is a “safe” route that allows them to fulfill family and societal expectations of success and intellect in a relatively familiar environment without the perceived higher risk and greater volatility of success in the workforce, particularly where there is a family business in which such education is not necessary but still rewarded. His protection of Wei Wuxian could similarly play out as him dropping out of his studies before being pulled back by his family, and his growth across the 13 yrs supported by completing his degree but shifting his dissertation focus or concentration to a less theoretical and more highly applied vein of the same field. In this AU, I—
#it’s been said before and better but it’s on my mind today#one of my pet peeves with lwj characterization is this like…#hm#overemphasis on him rejecting gusu lan and its rules and values#bc like#what the outer world largely sees of LWJ is a paragon of GL#he is very traditionally successful!#he’s *odd* bc he also cares about the common people#but he has a lot of capital (multiple dimensions!)#very few people actually know about his defense of wwx or the consequences#instead (imo) the LWJ we see post-timeskip has learned how to balance both the principle and the reality#to steal from TGCF#he’s chosen a third path#which is different from either the expected route in mdzs jianghu#OR wwx’s rejection of society for the wens#this is less the case in the end of the novel but I would argue very central to cql’s ending#and relevant in both versions#anyway#I am so full of empanadas#time to go back to work#personal#the untamed#lwj
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i choose to live in denial about the fact that there are so many desires for 'Babies Ever After' in Polin immediately following the conclusion of season 3 because like. . .this woman is nineteen!!! at the start of it all she should be at the club having a panic attack! and at the end, she should be getting railed up and down the European coast by her hot husband who has miraculously good pull-out game!
we are not the same!!!
#polin#colin bridgerton#penelope featherington#bridgerton#saw someone being like 'oh she's got her hand on her stomach because she's already preggo with Agatha'#or 'Pen and Colin are gonna be the first in the Featheringtons to have a male heir and that'll be their story going forward'#NO!!!!!#I ACTIVELY REFUSE#i am hissing as we speak#let her travel!!!! let her have a LIFE before she becomes a mother#let! her! fuck! consequence! FREE!!!#the woman has never even left london come ON#i want colin to show her how pretty greece is and then fuck her by the ocean!!#colin is TWENTY TWO and she is NINETEEN i mean jesus christ can ONE couple in this series please have a unique ending i am BEGGING#like yeah i get it this show is for the cishets but consider the following: i am gay and i watch it and i want better for them#than the same old heteronormative 'yeah and then they get married and have babies the end'
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Thank you @indestructibleheart, @hgejfmw-hgejhsf, @getmehighonmagic, @kiwiana-writes, @cha-melodius, @firenati0n, @inexplicablymine & @affectionatelyrs for the tags!
Not my typical WIP Wednesday but… tomorrow 🤍
An open tag to anyone out there with something to share 💫
#wip wednesday#wip: consequences#a cheeky little manip because I am better with words than art#yes this is technically a reference from The First and the Last but let me make it hype for the Henry POV ok#if anyone was curious what the iconic t-shirt design looks like in my head#anchoredarchangel
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me when i dont have any friends to talk to abt my feelings bc i have distanced myself the past year from everyone and don't have any current deep connections w anyone
#poppy speaks#i be like man i wish i mattered while actively sleeping all day and not replying for hours#listen i am trying to get better at least i know some of my loneliness is self imposed#i just genuinely believe im not that important regardless#most of the time i think im better off alone n i dont mind it n then WAM#the consequences of my actions NO#anyway ill just hug my dog or sm and cry it out n then I'll keep it pushing
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WIP Wednesday (MLC longfic again!)
Now that my amnesia fic is posted, it's time for more of my MLC longfic! At long last, LLH is awake again . . . and not doing that well.
(You can find earlier excerpts here.)
CW/TW: Panic attack, bicha flare, suicidal ideation
Something was different. The pain was there as always, waiting to devour him whole once he acknowledged it, but there was something else, something blanketing it, muting it somehow.
Li Lianhua stretched out his senses like a limb and tried to make sense of it.
Ah. Warmth. That was the strange sensation. Warmth–heat, even–all around him–his back, his chest, his legs, even his fingers, which had been more like blocks of ice than flesh and blood these last few months.
He leaned back, pushing into the banked heat behind him. The solid core of warmth tucked against his front from navel to neck twitched, then pressed against him more securely, as though it could make a home for itself inside his sternum, ribs, and spine and heat him from within.
He felt warm everywhere.
Well, almost everywhere.
He rolled forward slightly, wiggled further down on the bed, and tugged the core of warmth up higher. He curled his arms and shoulders around it and nestled the bit in his hand between his face and the pillow until it cradled his cheek.
Much better.
He smiled into his new, warmer pillow and let himself start to relax back into sleep.
“Xiangyi?”
The warmth against his face gradually took shape as his skin and mind began to wake. That was a finger–no, several fingers. A hand. A large hand. And those calluses–how could he not know them when they had clashed steel with him, choked him, clinked brimming cups of wedding wine with him, even been inside him, taking him apart with a gentleness he hadn’t known they could profess.
He let his awareness spread throughout his body, setting aside the pain, and yes, that was a-Fei’s chest he had pressed himself against, like Huli Jing requesting head scritches, and those were a-Fei’s legs, tangled with his, and that was a-Fei’s breath rustling his hair–less now than it had been a moment ago–and that was indeed a-Fei’s arm he was clutching like a child would a favorite toy.
But a-Fei had been holding him first.
Why was a-Fei holding him? It was one thing to wake up in each others’ arms in the newly wed room, after their . . . exertions. Before a-Fei knew that any real dream of a future was doomed to fail.
But to hold him now? After he’d given away the wangchuan flower and left a-Fei behind, left their promise behind? To hold him like he still mattered. Like he wasn’t a curse who killed everyone he’d ever cared about. Like he was some sort of treasure . . .
Treasure . . .
Cabinets stained in blood, Xiaobao’s blood–
“Xiaobao,” he gasped, flinging himself free and to his feet. Where was Xiaobao? He had to find him, had to heal him, before it was too late–
“Xiangyi! Sit down!” A-Fei caught him as his legs buckled and lowered him back onto the bed.
Why wasn’t Xiaobao here? Had he killed him, too, just like he killed everyone he cared about?
“Duobing,” a-Fei roared. “Get in here. Now!” Callused fingers cupped both sides of his face, turning it gently but firmly toward him. “Xiangyi, look at me. He’s alright. He’s on his way.”
“How could he be alright?” Li Lianhua gasped, clutching at his shoulders, the already blurry world turning more hazy. “I saw the blood!”
“I healed him. He’s safe,” a-Fei said, cradling his head as though he could hold the shattering pieces of his mind together. “Now breathe.”
Li Lianhua choked on an inhale, his lungs spasming, only managing to draw in a desperate wheeze.
A-Fei cursed and dropped to his knees by the bed, pressing one hand to Li Lianhua’s back and the other to his chest, filling both with a familiar warmth that began to break apart the iron bands strangling his throat and lungs. “Try again. Feel my hands. Press against them when you inhale.”
The next breath shook and spluttered like a dying candle but some air squeaked through nonetheless.
“Good.” A-Fei gave his back a short supportive pat. “Again.”
Lotus Tower shook as footsteps pounded toward the bed. “What’s wrong?” panted a beautifully familiar, impossible voice. “Xiaohua’er?”
“Bicha,” a-Fei growled, rising from the floor to kneel on the bed at his side, his hands still bracketing him on either side. “He thinks you’re dead. Show him the scab.”
“Shit,” the Xiaobao-shaped hallucination cursed. It seemed especially cruel of hallucinations to now match the blurriness of their surroundings. It made them seem far too real.
The hallucination knelt at his feet and took his hands. “It’s me, Xiaohua’er,” it said, tears in its eyes and voice. “I’m alright. A-Fei healed me. See?” It brought his hand up to a spot on the back of his skull and pressed his fingers to a crusted, raised line on its scalp. “I’m right here and I’m alright. Do you believe me?”
He could feel it. Why could he feel it? His fingers had always passed through hallucinations before. And even when he’d dreamt of Xiaobao, or of a-Fei, of holding them again, it hadn’t felt as real as this. His fingers traced the ridges of the scab–a perfectly neat seam–then the silk curtain of hair that covered it.
This was Xiaobao’s hair. The texture, the thickness, what he could see of the color–no hallucination could do justice to this.
This was his Xiaobao.
He was alive.
“Xiaobao,” he cried, turning his head this way and that to make sure it was the only injury. “You’re alright!”
Xiaobao’s bright smile shone through despite the haze his eyes imposed on everything. “Told you. No harm done. So focus on taking care of yourself, ok, lao huli?”
Li Lianhua huffed out a wet attempt at a scoff and bopped the side of his head. “No harm? What do you call this?”
Xiaobao captured his hands with his and brought them down from his head to rest between them. “Less serious than a Bicha attack. How are you feeling?”
Li Lianhua blinked. A Bicha attack? He turned his attention inward to his qi, and–
Ah. There was a-Fei’s Beifeng Baiyang, somehow wrapped around his Yangzhouman and pushing the last of the poison back into the recesses where it would lie in wait, coiled and ready for the next attack. The black tinge was almost gone from his veins.
He had been so worried about Xiaobao that he hadn’t even realized.
A-Fei had probably saved his life. Again.
He shouldn’t have bothered.
#mysterious lotus casebook#lhl#WIP Wednesday#lianhua lou#my fic#Di Feisheng#Li Lianhua#Fang Duobing#Difanghua#Things will get much better for LLH#starting in the next chapter#If tumblr blocks this excerpt from the MLC tag bc of my tws like it's done on previous weeks I will be so mad#I literally just finished writing this 5 minutes ago#this is the shortest turnaround time ever btwn when I've written something and posted it#cue internal screaming#also I am trying a new narcolepsy med which means thinking feels weird and consequently writing is a massive struggle#so I really hope this lives up to expectation
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Aemond Targaryen they could never make me hate you (except maybe the war crimes but apart from that)
#if you don't agree you don't have to stay on my page#in the kindest possible way#the block button is your friend#the block button is my best friend#aemond actually deserved better#like his nephew literally disabled him and got away with 0 consequences#im not saying killing luke was the right way to go about it (or maybe i am) but for chasing him he was 100% in the right#i feel a bit bad for luke in that his death was sealed on driftmark and dinner because nobody cared enough to make him apologise to aemond#aemond was justified in chasing luke (probably not with vhagar though but i get the vibes)#id want luke to piss himself if he took my eye too#house of the dragon#hotd#aemond targaryen#pro team green#prince aemond#aemond one eye#pro aemond targaryen#hotd aemond#anyways bye#*blows this whole place up*
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#i could just delete everything#make it all go away#tell like two people my alt we can keep in touch but thats about it#although theres 4 people I'd miss#i wanna be done#i want to take control of this situation and the only way to do that is extremes#“you cant be in control all the time” i fucking know that no one knows that better than me my entire life has been someone elses#ever since this shitshow began#and now i have a way to take control right in front of me#but it means cutting off everyone and starting anew#and as tempting as that is#my actions hold consequences#not just for me#so im stuck#like i always am#actually...#only 10 people would really notice...
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girlbossed too hard.... unless...
#like a lot of stuff about kh. one thing being its sprawling plot. love it all fitting together like that#anyway wanted to write a story like that. here i am with my ocs. and now im worried ive made it too confusing#1. maybe it's just because I haven't finished fixing plot holes? 2. maybe it's bc im not telling it in the right order? (random comics)#3. maybe it's because I assume ppl know more than they probably remember? 4. maybe im bad at explaining it?#anyway I talk to ppl about it and they're like ???? about things so now im like hm. i done messed up#problem is. it all makes perfect sense in my head#nomura is this how you felt? is this just the consequences of my actions??#anyway rip me. doomed to pain and suffering since the days of my youth#wanna get better at talking and expressing things but ACK. so hard!!!!#august rambles#text#you may be thinking huh?? you're expressing something rn. and yes. you see. my disease is so annoying. it is not consistent#sometimes I think about it enough i think about ways to talk about it. sometimes I think about it enough and it soaks into my life so...#someone else goes 'hey whats that?' and i go 'oh tiny info about it' as if secretly the person knew everything else because uh#i thought about it so hard. it must be common knowledge??? i don't know things other people don't??#anyway screaming crying i feel like I'm not expressing this right. doomed.
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With the light of a TWST RP mod, I have decided to not include them in the “What Went Down in TWST RP in a Week” of RP accounts they run. As currently, they have made the TWST RP community quite uncomfortable with them being there. I will not list out their name, but they are notable enough for having several twst RP accounts. I may had not interacted with them that much in the past, but knowing what @castaway-achlys had to deal with and several others. I’m merely speaking about the situation I am now aware of, and I have my decision on the matter. I can safely say that I will not contact them in any shape or form from this point on, as they have mischaracterize several characters that I quite enjoy.
Please support this Malleus RP blog if you haven’t. As the mod I’m currently talking about also happens to be in charge of @/therealmalleusdraconia
@/draconaid (unsure if they allow pings)
And for those that happens to effected by this Mod’s actions, I’m more than happy to listen to your story if it means to help you find your voice on the matter. As their actions are inexcusable.
Here is the list of accounts they run.
DO NOT HARRAS ANYBODY IN THIS SITUATION
#twst rp#🍮 speaking#I am speaking about this as a roleplayer and who genuinely cares about the TWST RP community#Even I sometimes may act rude and all. But I will owe up to my mistakes as it will allow me to be a better person.#And I will not let this person get off the hook without any sort of consequences for what they have done.#If they do happen to apologize. it better not be all about me apology.#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland rp#disney twisted wonderland#twst#twistedwonderland
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