#connect with people on so im keeping a lot to myself. stewing on the thought of connecting with people in general (or being unable to)

[teomodo]

is there a reason for this apparent trend of Extreme Credulosity on the internet beyond the usual advertiser friendly/made for kids/eternal september/no-discretion-just-endless-content reasons... like i acknowledge i am not the target demo here but it seems very common these videos with the spooky scary thumbnail about how this media was BANNED omg what could it be and what it be's is like 30 years ago in the dark ages of mass media conservative christians had the power to take bloodhound gang off their radio stations because it was too off color for their tastes. like i think maybe this is only interesting to me because ive been around older/religious people so much so i hear the decline of society thing all the time and like accelerated degradation of social etiquette and taboo and Young People are all culturally relevant and hip and with it and savvy but it feels like wrapping back around to this like extreme wide eyed...ness... very disingenuous feeling very obviously for profit... like maybe in my mind im overstating the cultural relevance of rotten.com and it just feels like EVERYONE on the internet used to watch videos of the cartel torturing people to death and now EVERYONE only watches 30 pieces of lost childrens media found in 2025 [12:28:56] number 30 a reddit user posted about a show they couldnt remember about a blue dog who solbed mysteries and a comment suggested it was a show called blues clues Lost Media: Found. maybe the powers that be have enforced the dichotomy of content creator/content consumer in a 10/90 ratio because everyone acknowledging their capacity for creativity and self fulfillment is not profitable and they did it so well that it cultivates this feeling like we *are* running out of new things (even though we're not) so we take the campfire ghost story aesthetics of like a whang video on mr. hands and apply it to whatever the anticlimactic drama du jour is because this form of presentation is established even if we don't have actual content to justify such a presentation and we're just scraping the bottom of the barrel for ad sense, content wise. the other side of this coin is of course that uber savvy misanthropic irony poisoning is also still everywhere and the grand old tradition of white kids adopting aave to seem Worldly is alive and well so when they say "blud thought he ate with the top hat willy wonka ahh chile 😭 😭 " it sounds like everyone else is soooo gauche and naive and you see the top hat soooo often that everyone knows what you'retalking about. i think i understand that a little more as a cultural trend/defense mechanism where the gullibleness maybe i want to understand less because im afraid the answer is everyone buying wholesale into the modes of thought that make them good youtube viewers, or, if not enthusiastic conscious adoption of that kind of thinking just taking the path of least resistance because real life is so sucks right now. honestly most of the time it just feels like everyone is talking to nobody online and our little jokes and performances are always just whizzing over the shoulders of The Viewership so maybe none of this even matters whatsoever

[listerinesky]

im very sick of myself in this specific way even though it’s not necessarily a bad thing we haven’t used our “main” social media accounts (Facebook & Instagram we mean like the face value ones that real life people connect us to) in upwards of three years now we stopped after bad things happened with people who were close to us and upon taking steps back away from these social media’s we came to realize how completely influenced our pages were with these people (really just one person lol) and that makes us insecure and not want to use it because we feel like every single person we have ever known in real life will suddenly see us on our facebook again and see this person or that group of friends not involved and...........what? that thought doesn’t finish? there’s no real negative outcome, i don’t care about them and don’t talk to them and have been deleted by the one person but not any of the others, so what if some unrelated people can connect some dots and realize what really happened? none of it matters??????????? even if she was looking through another persons account??? which why would she????? None of it matters. We could burn the bridges and delete the accounts if we wanted to and it wouldn’t matter we could come back and post and say “hey a lot has changed don’t call me _____ ever again” or we could just keep saying nothing forever and stewing and it literally would NEVER matter no matter which way go

[saints-row-2]

How DOES shit go for ezra's lil wasteland province that he takes over? Does life improve in that area? How long does it last? Im dyin over here

MAN i havent actually ... really thought much beyond the immediate ending of Fallout 4, when Project Purity are just starting to control the Capital and start turning things around. i guess i dont want to like tie myself down to shit if future games give me new ideas yknow BUT anyway heres what i think right now 

Project Purity is made up of a lot of disparate groups, largely raiders and people from Tallahassee and Ezra-Kane’s merc days, as well as wasteland recruits, fiends, ex-brotherhood, Talon company, other small gangs that Ezra-Kane absorbed into his militia... he just takes whoever wants to join and what that does also is make it so that a lot of people are connected to PP even if theyre not part of it; people are less likely to turn on a group when its giving their child, their partner, their neighbour etc work and a living wage. 

another thing is that Project Purity buys out (using money Ezra-Kane took from the Sierra Madre and from House) like... every fucking trader and trade route they can, and makes deals with every caravan passing through to work as protection etc, as well as rerouting caravan and trade routes through Project Purity affiliated settlements and towns which means very quickly Project Purity controls the vast majority of the trade in the Capital wasteland. 

something i hadnt mentioned recently is that both Ezra-Kane (eventually) and Tallahassee are ghouls and Project Purity has a lot of ghouls, super mutants (the ones who dont hate humans) and synths in its ranks. Ezra-Kane has some.. small drama with Atticus about the Railroad allowing Synths into the Capital later down the line bcs Atticus doesnt approve of any of this shit and doesnt want the synths just being taken into Ezra-Kane’s private army.

like i said, Project Purity doesnt do any of the like... settlement building and repair shit that the Minutemen do so people are mostly left to their own devices. but if you consider shit like Big Town? Big Town’s whole deal is that theyre unable to build a safe settlement because it keeps getting destroyed by super mutants and slavers. but Project Purity cleans out the super mutants and wipes Paradise Falls off the face of the earth (they completely destroy the slave trade in the Capital Ezra-Kane hates slavers) so.. in that scenario, there would be nothing stopping Big Town from flourishing as long as thats what the citizens want. (in theory).

really the big thing that lets PP grow and become successful is that there isnt an opposing force on the same scale. the Brotherhood left and went to the Commonwealth in Fallout 4, and got destroyed by the Railroad. the Enclave die in 3. if, say, the entire force of the NCR or the West Coast Brotherhood came down on them then no, theres a chance they wouldnt do as well, but theres really no one stopping them and thats what lets Ezra-Kane completely take over. people who dont like them are going to be too small-scale to be able to do anything. 

i think in a lot of ways shit would improve. Project Purity does bring a sense of security to the Capital; theres no slavers, theres no enclave or brotherhood, they even clean up feral ghouls and super mutants. they bring work and facilitate outside trade. its... more neutral than the Minutemen in a sense? because the Minutemen are very built around being the heroes who come to save people and help people, but PP are more about punishing people who step out of line. 

like to your average fucking joe who just lives in a small town and makes a living hunting mole rats or whatever, you probably dont fucking care at all. maybe your neighbour’s daughter works for PP and when you go to Rivet City to sell some skins and make some caps, you see some PP soldiers around but youre not doing anything wrong so who gives a shit. i imagine a lot of people like them because hey, they destroyed Paradise Falls and even if there are a lot of zombies working for them at least theyre not running around attacking people. 

i mean the real flaw is that the longer they grow and flourish, the more they have a monopoly on everything. like trade might be safer but theyre cutting a profit on all of it (running a gang has a lot of overhead). something like GNR isnt going to be around for much longer because Ezra-Kane isnt going to tolerate someone running a station which speaks out against him. something like the Regulators, people who are hunting bounties on bad people? no fucking way is competition being allowed. 

and like. the Capital is still sick. the water is bad. the land is bad. its a shitty, hard place to live with or without the raiders and PP isnt going to do anything about that. Megaton is gone so thats one less active, successful town. Ezra-Kane’s whole plan kind of places the entire brunt of actually developing a world worth living in on the people living in it. PP holds a huge amount of capital and power, but its not helping people. which i think could incite a huge amount of resentment; no one’s fond of the rich guy whos hiding in the background while everyone else struggles. and as mentioned, theres not going to be a real way for people to speak out against them. Project Purity is there to keep bad people out, but theres nothing inviting good people to stay in, really. 

Project Purity’s survival is dependent on two things; the Capital Wasteland actually staying populated and alive, because if people keep drifting out in search of a better life elsewhere, theyll eventually be sitting on an empty crop of land, and on no one bigger challenging them. like i said before, the reason PP took over easily is because there was no one to stop them. if, say, the Brotherhood came back, they could probably demolish Project Purity. 

oh, and the people who work for PP actually staying in line because if a big enough chunk of soldiers mutiny then its looking pretty bad pretty quickly.

as for how long it lasts... like i said, Ezra-Kane and Tallahassee are both ghouls, and they deliberately recruit a lot of ghouls to work for the company and particularly in high-ranking positions, which means theyre not going to age out in a hurry. but theres a chance... yknow... if everyone turns on them? dead. if they do get targeted by a rival group? maybe dead. if PP expands too far outside of the Capital Wastes, spreads themselves too thin and gets killed by rival groups? dead. 

the plan for Project Purity is that they expand outside of the Capital and into other parts of america and i feel kind of inevitably Ezra-Kane is going to challenge the wrong person and go down in some blaze of glory... hes gonna die in his power armour with his gun in his hand, thats how ive always seen it. hes got too much ambition and hunger to change the world for it to be any other way.

JESUS CHRIST THIS IS A LONG POST................... tl;dr i think in some ways shit gets better just because people are given an opportunity to let their towns grow, but i think this is almost exclusive to big cities and towns and smaller farmers are kind of fucked. i also think the Capital’s really bad farmland means that people are heavily reliant on trade, which PP is monopolising, which is going to stew resentment. 

i think people in Rivet City or Underworld or other towns that form over the years will probably be more fond of PP than people who like... are struggling to have a living of any kind. i think a lot of people will just start leaving the Capital in the end, honestly. but for a long time... theyre just quietly sitting there, holding the Capital in a tight grip and waiting for someone to try to say shit. 

[bowiesnippleantennae]

here’s the skinny on what I’ve been going through lately!

you MIGHT know that I’ve been out of work for like two months. I was laid off and it was awful and I also ended a really long, serious relationship at the same time. So basically all of my security was ripped out from under me in the matter of two days! 

i already struggle with severe anxiety and depression so I knew I was going to fall fast if I didn’t get a job soon! it’s been months and I’m off my meds and every other day is a bad day and I’m struggling to keep happy and busy and it’s a fucking LOT. 

but, I am seeing my therapist which I pay for myself, I know what clinic I’ll be going to to get my prescription and I will be getting back on a higher dosage of my meds asap. 

more disclaimer: my sister lost her dad earlier this year and this was her first father’s day without him.

another disclaimer: she hardly had a relationship with him. he was me and my mom’s abuser. he pushed angela away constantly and was just an overall terrible person who suffered a lot for his behavior. last year’s father’s day, she just sent him a text. so, keep that in mind.

and another disclaimer: my dad doesn’t give two shits about father’s day. i talk with him whenever i can and it’s usually for a long time. i don’t need a special day to appreciate him, just fyi. keep that in mind as well.

aaand one more disclaimer: my sister is a slob, it’s a known fact, and i live in close proximity to her and it’s embarrassing and i hate it :)

K SO! 

i bring up the fact that she’s a slob on father’s day right after waking up because our bathroom was disgusting and im sick of cleaning up after her. i don’t even know what day it fucking is. she immediately bursts into tears and my mom... like a fucking banshee, starts screaming in my face. i don’t really have fights with my mom. but lately, she’s been very cruel to me and like, she can’t stand being in the same room as me, and i’m super connected to her and empathic and i can feel it. 

so she’s screaming at me, saying that i’m pathetic, attached to her hip, and i should feel ashamed that i still live at home. i don’t do anything worthwhile, i’m nasty to everyone in the house, i’m constantly saying mean shit under my breath. she brought up something i said 5 years ago (i had to think about it specifically and it was 5 years ago about her old, old car lmao i INSULTED HER CAR??? and now she’s in debt from buying a new one and that’s my fault.) said the phrase “i love you victoria, but you’re a fucking bitch,” and this went on for a bit. like every sort of insecurity i have, feeling like no one in the house can stand me, that i’m a burden on all of them, like they’d be better off if i just wasn’t there, all of it was confirmed and screamed in my face. 

so... i went into my room and i cried and then i had to pretend i was happy for a birthday party (glad i was able to get out of my house) and the next morning, i woke up and just... didn’t leave my bed. because why should i? if i make everyone in the house so fucking uncomfortable, why should i go be around them? and i felt bad for picking a fight with angela on father’s day. i shouldn’t have done that. so i cried about that a lot. and i cried because, you know, obviously my mother resents me. obviously i shouldn’t be around. OBVIOUSLY i’m not worth anything. no one came in to check on me. no one asked if i was okay lmao. i didn’t eat until everyone was actually asleep around midnight. i tried to leave my room but i was so scared of seeing any of them glare at me or try to make me feel worse, so i suffered in bed and cried a lot and only got up to pee. it was really bad. and i was, and am, insanely embarrassed about it. 

i woke up today feeling better. no one was home so i cleaned the living room and the kitchen and made myself some lunch and watched some big foot thing and then my mom comes home and i just, feel a cold chill run through me and the first thing she says is “oh, so you’re out of your cave today?” cute :) and i ignore it and then she says she talked to my dad and they think i should go live with him for a while. 

now, i’ve done that before- it didn’t work, and it hit me then that she’s not doing it for my benefit. she’s doing it so that i’m not near her. so she can take a break from me. she doesn’t have the guts to kick me out of the house so she’ll send me to my dad’s to save her conscience. she asked me what i thought about that and i was in shock so i said “i don’t know.” and she was like “WELL. YOU BETTER CARE.” and walked away. meanwhile, because of some other stuff, i was already spiraling, and then that happens so im just on the brink of tears again and i go in my room and cry again and then she comes in and is like “did you eat?” and i said “yes.” and she was like “oh okay” and left. and then I was able to go to a friend’s house and just kinda... stew in that. 

here’s where it gets fucked up. i call my therapist and talk to her and apparently my mom made some stupid status about terrorists HAVING TO BE mentally ill or else they wouldn’t like, kill people. which is insanely wrong and not backed by anything but okay. my friend who has a degree in psychology jumped on that immediately and was like “no.” another friend of mine said some things and then my mom said something that just... really showed me she resents me! 

she compared me to terrorists. she said she KNOWS that the cause is mental illness because they must grow up surrounded by extreme views and that I’M A PRIME EXAMPLE. LITERALLY USED MY NAME AND COMPARED ME... LIKE....?????? WHAT THE FUCK???? a few of my friends were like “that really pissed me off” and honestly, i’d love to see my mom ganged up on for once because in person, i can’t defend myself because she’s louder than me, she screams, and like most parents, she’s always right :) but other people who aren’t related to her standing up and telling her she’s wrong? man. it felt real good, especially after all the things she said to me.

so that hurt my feelings a whole lot!

here’s the kicker.

i called my dad after he got off work because i wanted to know what she said about me and how she worded it and good thing i did! i explained all of it to him. about how i’ve been feeling lately, about how the fight started and what she said to me. how it made me feel and why i stayed in my room all day. 

and he told me what she said to him.

she doesn’t think i have this month’s rent. i do. i still have 3 month’s worth of rent. but that’s it and i’m scared and i’m still applying to places.

she told him that SHE’LL have to pay for my psychiatrist (??? i don’t have one and never have?) and my clinic visit and my prescription. ?? I don’t know where she got this from. my therapist writes my referral. i found a clinic and i’ve never had her pay for it since i started working. she’s blowing things up. she’s freaking out for no fucking reason. 

so, here’s what i’m going to do.

she wants a break from me? okay. i can leave but it’s on my terms and it won’t cost anyone a fucking plane ticket. i have friends i can stay with for long periods of time that are still in central florida, so if i get an interview, i can make it, and when i get my clinic shit sorted, i can get back on my meds, and i can keep up with my therapy appointments. THAT’S how i get better. not fucking running away to another state just to rot there instead. i know what i need. i’ve been in therapy for 2 years now and it’s helped and i’ve learned a WHOLE LOT about myself and what is healthy. i’m not going to trust someone who argues with fucking professionals on something they studied for on social media. 

tonight, i talked to my sister for a really long time about it and apologized and also explained myself. why i lock myself away and how mom made me feel and what my plan is. i also talked to her about grieving and how my therapist offered her a free session for it and she finally said she hasn’t gone because she’s scared and doesn’t want to talk about it but i talked about how my grief session went and how much better i felt. i even said i’d go with her to it if it would help her feel better. i don’t know if it would but like, i know what it’s like to feel vulnerable. and i told her it’s better to deal with it now than later. 

i think that struck a chord with her. i hope she goes. 

because my mom told me i never showed any compassion to her when it came to her dad. :) i’m the only one who kept bringing up the grief session. mom is an enabler and once angela started to seem uncomfortable, she went momma hen instantly and attacked me. so! 

tl;dr my mom bitched at me for seemingly no reason, is going through her own shit and taking it out on me, the family punching bag again, and i’m not standing for this shit anymore! :)

[vegils]

im... a sucker 4 surveys hey!!!

1: What is your name and does it mean anything?

marinella, someone told me it means “traveller” but i highly doubt that i like the break down of my name more marina, meaning “of the sea” and ella for “guiding light”

2: How long have you known your best friend? 

my best friend sweetlana!!! been my good friend!!! for 7 DANG YEARS!!! 

3: What position do you normally sleep in? 

i sleep in fetal/yearning position and i think the description of the personalities that sleep in fetal/yearning position is very accurate

4: Were you a part of any “clique” in high school?

mmm i hung out with a lot of different people in high school i went through several cliques in the span of my four years i hung out with “popular” people, artsy groups, anime nerds, and drama people

5: Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why? 

my biggest inspiration was my speech and drama teacher!! i love u miss macuha!!! one time i was crying about her leaving and she grabbed me by the shoulders and told me to never back down and keep doing what i’m doing and that some day i’ll be a great performer and i bawled on her lap she’s an angel and to this day her words still haunt me!! i never felt the reward a teacher reaped from seeing a student reach their full potential

6: Do you wish to travel a lot?

because im so young i do think about travelling a lot but it makes me sad to think about never being able to travel and i have gone to places but i wish i could see other grander countries i never had the opportunity to see

7: Did you participate in any sports while in school?

um...... i played badminton lmao 

8: Show a sample of your handwriting:

how tho

9: Have you ever given blood?

apparently if ur anemic or have history of anemia then u can’t donate blood which makes me sad if i could i would!!!

10: Do you like the way that you grew up?

besides all the fun i had i wish i grew up more confident i am a very doubtful person and i grew up in a pretty hostile home and it felt very scattered and broken to me and i just wish those situations were different, other than that i think i am lucky to grow up ok

11: Do you like your siblings? Why or why not?

i like all of my sisters but they can get very frustrating at times i think we stand better now than we did as kids

12: How did you meet your best friend and why did you become friends?

i met sweetlana on the strokes tumblr tinychat back when they had a roaring fandom and we discovered that we’re both from chicago and we’d talk about silly things and we lost touch for a while but then we reconnected and she’s so darling!!! she would show me her paintings of the blues brothers and we’d talk about our hopes and wishes and now i realize we’ve been doing that for 7 years!!! all we do is exchange selfies and drawings and fantasize about crushes !!!i love her! i can’t imagine not knowing her and never meeting her!

13: Name one movie that made you cry.

my girl.......... shit dude

14: Do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither?

i’m not poetic but i like to HEAR poetry i love hearing the delivery 

15: Things about someone that you find attractive?

i love people who are kind and thoughtful which is rly generic i also love the funny it doesn’t even have to be calculated jokes it can just be the way you said something or a facial expression i like people who manage to share a language with me that can’t be figured out by other people i think having a connection to a person where you can read each others minds can b creepy but also cool cuz u hang out w them so often that you can basically understand each other without much effort 

16: What song are you currently listening to now?

year of the rabbit by eskimeaux

17: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how?

nope 

18: A random memory from you childhood:

going to chinatown and racing to the chinese zodiac signs and climbing up the stairs with my sisters, getting sponge cake and walking around the old sanrio store pointing out what i want

19: Where did you grow up? chicago 

20: What was the last thing you watched on tv?

lmao we’re watching 13RW and its not for everyone but i read the book and im v invested

21: Do you think you’d make a good parent?

really!! hope id be! i mean i am cool with or without having kids but i want to be a good parent

22: Would you like to meet any of your Tumblr friends in person?

i already met some of my tumblr friends!! i met sweetlana and coney!!! i would like to meet @iamonmy-way when will i meet u!!! 

22: What was the last dream you remember having?

my phone was hacked and it looked like internet explorer on my iphone and my cousin tried to retrieve back to normal by playing against my hacker on a boss battle level of mario

23: When is your birthday?

june 2 :---)

24: How many pillows do you sleep with? 

2 and 1 reading pillow ^_^

25: Do you wear glasses? If so, how long have you been wearing glasses?

i’ve been wearing eye glasses since i was 6 and i’m 21 now so u do the math bud

26: What color is your hair?

black/brown

27: Name 5 facts about your appearance:

ive been told i have a nice complexion, small mouth, chubby cheeks, small hands and long torso

28: What is your favorite soda?

cream.. soda... i need to go to Hell

29: What is a strange talent that you have?

reading peoples moods online lmao 

30: How’s the weather right now?

a cool and calming evening 

31: Why did one of your friendships end?

this question makes me sad lmao

32: Who do you miss right now?

oops i can’t reveal who or what or when but i am missing someone

33: Why did your last relationship end?

because i realized i don’t like them that much and that i don’t understand dating I AM A VERY CONFUSED PERSON when i reflect on dating i realize i hate it so much but also crave it but when i have it i’m very repulsed

34: Are you still figuring out who you are? 

yes!!! i am frustrated at myself because i don’t know who i am or what i want and i feel like it has set me back so much that i’m stagnant 

35: Have you ever been admitted to a hospital? Why? 

ya i had dengue fever and it was probably the most concerned i’ve seen my parents with me

36: What is your favorite restaurant?

pastaria!!! in st louis!! it’s so good!

37: What is word that you always seem to spell wrong?

privilege 

38: Would ever adopt kids?

not against the idea of adopting children!!! 

39: What is your favorite kind of pizza?

i like spinach on my pizza

40: What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?

why is it so dreadful to find yourself in bed with a whole day ahead of you

41: When was the last time you got really really happy and why? 

um!!! my crush!!! k*rt !!! when we played the game!! and they were teasing and attacking me during the game! ah!!! 

42: What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?

defo dinuguan (pigs blood stew)!! i dont recommend!! i just dip my puto in the sauce and call it a day! not a laman fan! 

43: How do you start a conversation?

i tell them something embarrassing that’s also relateable and revealing and hope they find me somebody to be comfortable around!!!

44: What’s a band you’ve been obsessed with lately?

i hate answering this....... but joji........

45: Do you come from a family “of money?”

nah dude

46: Do you have a bucket list?

i think that’s what my life was missing tbh

47: What is your favorite series of books?

i don’t know i haven’t read a series of books in quite a long time i think i pretended to like percy jackson in high school lmao and i was such a nerd for hunger games but i don’t think anything could replace my deepest love for series of unfortunate events, the boxcar children, judy moody, and horrible harry! ooh! and amelia bedelia!!!

48: When was the last time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt?

i laughed rly hard last night cause patrick was so invested in 13 reasons why and my sister n i kept asking 4 justice 4 zach dempsey and patrick threw a pillow at me for saying that what zach did was severe in hannah’s eyes

49: Where do you go when you’re sad?

i slip into bed and silently cry or if i don’t need that i cry in the shower ahhh how pathetic

50: 5 random facts about yourself:

i actually am rly good at acting and i don’t think anybody but high school and college ppl know this, i’m painfully shy, i don’t like mayo!! all of my goldfish in the past have all been named variations of “Freddy” and !!! i am rly good at stitch (from disney’s lilo and stitch) impressions

[thalassvphile-blog]

;; hey hi please tell me all about your thoughts/headcanons surrounding lance's insecurities, how he handles them, and what kinds of things sort of set them off

send in questions about lance || accepting

ooc.

yeLLS okay this is gonna be an essay so under a cut it goes

so, my lance is a middle child. the third of six. he’s kind of already at a disadvantage in that he kind of struggles to get attention or privacy sometimes. his family is very loving, though, so it’s nothing like getting ignored/neglected, but lance has definitely felt like he’s in renata’s (his eldest sister’s) and javier’s (his eldest brother) shadows. he loves them, yes, but he does feel a bit inferior. they’re both incredible, and he feels like he pales in comparison.

he went to the garrison because, for whatever reason, he’s always felt drawn to being a pilot--this is because his connection with blue was already there, and she was calling to him. he fought tooth and nail to get into the fighter pilot class, only to be told to his face that he wasn’t good enough. that did wonders for his self esteem--HA wait no it didn’t. he probably felt like a failure, honestly. here he was, studying his ass off to get into the fighter pilot program, to fulfill whatever dreams he had, and the door was closed right into his face.

it didn’t get better after keith flunked out. he was top of the cargo pilot class, so he was a shoe-in for the open position, but i got the impression that commander iverson always took the chance to rub that in lance’s face. i was watching/screenshotting for icons from the pilot, and honestly iverson talking down to lance so harshly doesn’t seem like the first time he’s done it. lance probably acted out a lot or at least a reasonable amount, so iverson probably shoved the knowledge that he could kick lance right back out again at any time. so, yeah. that sucks.

and lance actually felt great when he was the one that the blue lion opened up to. it was one of the first times he actually got to be the one that everyone followed, the one that everyone was in awe of. he was still happy even once all the lions were found (though keith being named the best pilot right off the bat was kind of twisting a knife). but then he starts feeling homesick, and then second guessing himself after the first battle with zarkon.

and then, the whole fifth/seventh wheel thing. lance’s insecurities must sometimes get the best of him, make him perceive things incorrectly, because he is one part of a wheel--and if he got taken out, that wheel wouldn’t work right anymore. i have anxiety issues myself, and often feel pretty useless/worthless, so i suspect lance has similar feelings sometimes. shiro reassuring him about his place as the sharpshooter helped bring him back out of that, though. bless you space dad.

this isn’t even TOUCHING keith. lance has a Thing in regards to keith. he feels super, super inferior. keith is the better pilot. keith is the better fighter. keith is the special one. keith has so much that lance feels he doesn’t. lance’s “rivalry” probably stems (at least partially) from lance kind of trying to show that keith isn’t best at everything. that lance isn’t second best to keith (not that he is in the first place, but lance has issues that keep him from seeing that their strengths lie in different places).

depending on how s3 goes, lance is probably going to react Very Badly. no matter what, if keith says shiro wanted keith to lead voltron, lance is going to explode, probably bring up that no one else heard this supposed conversation, and refuse to accept keith as their replacement leader. he will react even worse if they tell him he’s going to have to pilot red in the meantime. lance is very, very connected to blue, and feels to an extent that blue is one of the few things he can hold on to right now. (i actually have this hc that if all of this happens, lance might actually steal blue and try to fly her back to earth, allura being able to track blue be damned).

anyway. that’s kind of the rundown of some of the insecurities i think lance has got. onto how he handles them.

lance internalizes. a lot. he’s from a very big, very loud family--half the time he wasn’t heard. so he learned to keep it all in, to find a way to let it out without letting anybody he doesn’t trust know. hunk is one of like. four people who lance is okay opening up to, just fyi.

this is also why he’s so connected/attached to blue. lance escapes to her as often as he can, telling her all about his family, all these stories from his childhood, and all the things he keeps quiet about. and he speaks to her in spanish, so if there’s like. any way for someone to hear him they probably can’t understand anyway.

otherwise, i think lance would explode, like i said before. he wouldn’t touch on why he’s so bothered, but he’d go off and maybe even try to throw a punch even if he’s got a bad case of noodle arms (he has muscles but they’re not big) and will get his ass kick ten ways to tuesday. and then he’d just start stewing on whatever the problem was and then things would be even worse.

im not entirely sure what sets it off, honestly? i think if he just gets pushed a little too much, or if he’s reminded too much about what he’s insecure about, it starts really eating at him.

...this is a lot longer than i thought it would end up being but. thats. kind of the jist of it? i havent thought much on how he handles it or what sets it off yet.

[meanderfall]

//tornadoes thru ur window, completely shattering the glass: for the writer meme, 5 - 6 - 8 - 10 - 15 - 21 - 25 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30 - 34 - 36 - 39 - 45 - 47 - 48 - 49 - aaaand 50: how long do you usually let an idea fester in your mind before you're like, "okay, i'll write you down u little fucker"? ALSO IM AWARE THIS IS A LOT, LMAOOO

LDJF;KFGSKGF ADRI MY LOVE, MY WIFE, MY KNIGHT, MY SUN AND MOON, THANK YOU OMG, I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR A NOVEL OF AN ANSWER LMAO

5.     How much writing do you get done on an average day?

LMAO I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS CALCULATED PER HOUR just bc that’s how long my train ride is. So I can do about 400-500 words in 50~ minutes.anyway tbh, I write almost never, but when I do, I try to get around 1000 words done??? that’s usually when i lose steam too. (though i guess if i did 500 word spurts instead throughout the day, i’d get more done) (TO CLARIFY, the only reason it’s so much is bc i only write when I know /exactly/ what the scene is gonna be and im motivated. if u sat my ass down in front of a computer each day and told me to write, I’d probably only get 100 in two hours, less even.)

6.     Single or multiple POV?

I’m a multiple pov hoe. I’ve thought before of writing something in entirely one pov, but tbh i dont think i could do it if the thing is longer that a 2000 word one shot.

8.     Oldest WIP

I HAD TO PULL OUT MY USB FOR THIS GODDAMN

Okay so, my oldest wip ever, is an original story I started in, I think, 2011 and wrote throughout the year. It’s got about 22k words down, but tbh i dont think im ever gonna touch it again.fanfic-wise, my oldest wip is a harvest moon fanfic, that’s around 6k words i think? and i was planning on re-writing it bc i didnt like the characterization of one of the characters and i wanted to fix that, but it’s been like five years now, i dont think it’s ever gonna be done. (I still want to though). (and u can find said wip on my fanfiction.net account)

10.  Do you set yourself deadlines?

My guy, i’ve never set a deadline for myself in my entire life. I think I tried to do it once, and i completely let it pass by. (Though the fanfic i mentioned previously, im pretty sure i updated once a week before i fucked up)

15.  How do you deal with writer’s block?

I either set it aside (and never pick it up again lmao) and let it stew in the back of my mind until I get something else, oR I POWER THROUGH THIS MOTHERFUCKER, and I’ll probably only write 50 words and hate every single last one of them, but I got it done and it’s better than nothing and hopefully tomorrow i’ll actually have something. (also, sometimes when powering through, what i write ends up inspiring me and im like “oh of course!” and i blaze through it)

21.  Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write?in case u havent noticed yet, about 99% of all my characters are snarky to some degree. I need a character with a wry sense of humour, and I’ll usually stay in their pov a lot. The only other character “type” I have are the sunshine pure cinnamon rolls who care and love everyone. Oh, and I guess also the ones who are pissed and bitter at the world at large. (I should.... probably... try to get out of this comfort zone...)

25.  Favourite part of writing

okay tbh, my favourite part is when I’m winding down from a good writing session, and I just feel so proud and alive, because I was productive and I created something with my own two hands and mind, and there are very few things that are as incredible as that imo

27.  Favourite line/scene

okay so this was hard to pick??? not to mention it’s all crap you’ve seen before but whatever.

There’s this one:

“McCreewas abruptly reminded of when he was nothing more than a teen, snarling andfurious at everyone around him, not willing to trust anyone. And he wasreminded of Gabriel Reyes who stayed calm and collected in front of his fury,gently rebuking him when he crossed a line; who praised him when he did welland willingly trusted him to have his back even though McCree didn’t trust him;who seemed to quietly understand why McCree acted in certain ways, accepted it,but encouraged him to choose better. Gabriel Reyes, who had faith in him whenhe wasn’t even sure he liked himself.“

And this one:

“IfWash’s head was a ghost town, then the Meta’s was a fucking wasteland.

Butthe worst part wasn’t the scorched earth and completely lifeless landscape, norwas it the stormy brown clouds above. No, the worst part was the lava that wasslowly inching its way up the mountain. It bubbled and simmered an awful sicklyorange as it creeped up bit by bit, not fast at all, but inexorably to the topof the mountain, going against all laws of physics. It was so awfully wrongthat he honestly felt sick witnessing it. Not helping was the sizzles it madeas it burned through whatever little vegetation there was and (he had no ideawhy he knew this, maybe it was because he was connected to the Meta’s brain?),it felt like the lava was actually gouging the earth, opening cracks andseeping inside, corrupting and destroying what lay within.

Wasthe Meta even a person anymore?”

(I proooobably would’ve picked something from the tuckington au but.... a lot of my favourite stuff is dialogue, or snarky narration, and idk it’s hard to choose and there aint a lot of depth to it)

28.  Favourite side character

OKAY THERE’S THIS ONE SIDE CHARACTER IN ONE MY ORIGINAL STORY IDEAS WHOM I ADORE (even though he has no name yet lmao) BUT HE’S BASICALLY REALLY SWEET AND CARING AND HE’S TRYING HIS BEST TO BE HAPPY AND SUPPORTIVE FOR ALL HIS COMPANIONS BC THEY’RE ALL GOING THROUGH HARD TIMES, BUT IT’S REALLY HARD FOR HIM AND HE’S INWARDLY SUFFERING SO MUCH BUT HE KEEPS SMILING FOR PEOPLE ANYWAY AND FLDG;DKHGFKG I LOVE HIM

29.  Favourite villain

I’m... cheating for this, I’ve never written a villain ever actually (and tbh what the fuck??? how??? i have so many original story ideas and none of them are villains??? what the fuck (maybe the true villains were the friends we made along the way))

okay so, originally, this character was gonna be the villain alright. She was mean, cruel, snarky, cunning, and manipulative. But as time went on, and I started exploring her character, wondering why she was like this, what her goal is, and I changed and shifted the plot of the story around she... sort of... became the main character. woops.

30.  Favourite idea you haven’t started on yet

IM ONLY GONNA USE ORIGINAL STORIES FOR THIS BC HOLY SHIT

Honestly, I’d probably have to go with this idea I had of a living person picking up the scythe of a Grim Reaper and becoming one and having to learn the ropes of the job.

Okay, I lied, it might actually be this detective series idea I had, wherein the main character, a police officer, has to investigate cases that, for the most part, are reminiscent, or re-imagined versions, of Quebec folk tales, and she has to figure out why the fuck this is happening.

34.  What was the hardest scene you ever had to write?

FIGHTING AND ACTION SCENES I HATE THEM SO MUCH OH MY GOD THEY TAKE FOREVER AND I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IM FUCKING THEM UP HORRIBLY I HATE THEM (I could give u a specific example, but i dont want to)

36.  Last sentence you wrote

“Shut up.”

(this is actually how chapter 2 of my tuckington high school au ends lmao and there’s nothing to gain from it have fun adri)

39.  Weirdest character concept you’ve ever had

OH SHIT I ACTUALLY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION, okay so the i have no clue where the idea came from, but for some reason i had this idea of a character who’s mental stability or whatever was linked to these bracelets she wore??? but it was more like she became more primal and animalistic the more bracelets were taken off until she lost all sense of identity, and i think it’s because she was being controlled or used by an organization or whatever. This was just a random idea that I had and okay i know it’s dark af, but it’s honestly the weirdest one. (tbh…. im not sure i have one that could be considered weird…)

45.  How much world building do you do?

all of it. just. all of it. I need to know clothes, food, architecture, cultural norms, the history of the world, how the fuck people can communicate when there are multiple countries and multiple languages, and this is why absolutely none of my original stuff has ever been written

47.  Best way to procrastinate

Day-dreaming scenes and ideas instead of writing them

48.  What’s the most self-insert character/scene you’ve ever written?

W O W ADRI U WANNA CALL ME OUT THAT BADLY HUH?

honestly it’s probably that main character/villain i mentioned previously, bc i just gave her all of my self-loathing and she was supposed to sacrifice herself heroically in the end and there was gonna be an entire speech about why she was the right person to do this. (if it makes u feel any better, I’ve modified it so she doesn’t actually die and everyone is like “wtf? NO!”)

also the protagonist in story, i just gave her my depression and general lostness in life. (most... of my characters... start off with a part of me I want to explore, but over time, as I flesh them out, they become their own people, and actually have nothing to do with me anymore tbh)

49.  Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?

THAT SWEET CINNAMON ROLL I MENTIONED BEFORE OMG YES, I WOULD PROTECT HIM WITH MY LIFE

50: how long do you usually let an idea fester in your mind before you’re like, ���okay, i’ll write you down u little fucker”?

*LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY* OH MAN ADRI U HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’VE JUST ASKED DO U OMG WAIT UNTIL U HEAR THIS

okay so u know that story with the cinnamon roll and main character/villain? The basic plot of that story has been in my brain since around 2011. I still haven’t started to write it. (though, to be fair, that story has changed so goddamn much since 2012 holy shit, and for the better tbh)

tbh adri, ur like 80% of my impulse control, and by that I mean you make me impulsive enough to actually write things instead of letting them ruminate in my brain forevermore. Hell, I’ve only started to get back into writing fanfiction because of you, okay, if u weren’t around I’d probably just give up on writing ever, and let the idea of being a novelist be nothing more but a fantasy i daydream about.