#compulsiveea

[mentalyentl]

Project

Busy busy over here.  My back went a few days ago so I've been laid flat for 4 days with sciatica (yes i know you're supposed to stretch and move but it's really hard when your legs and hips randomly give out). On top of that the pain killers are giving me the most abominable got flushes. Aaaand it was my dad's birthday weekend and instead of helping move chairs and make food i couldn't carry more than 2 plates or sit for 5 minutes.  So its been miserable.  

However I've spent all day seething, courtesy of a man.  I'm not married,  not likely to be either.  So as far as I'm concerned he has no actual claim on me. It is solely by the fact that i like him that I'm still around.  

As i said I'm an emotional eater,  and I've been popping bits of food all damn day because my mind is trying to chew things over.  

He hasn't called in 3 days.  I in got 1 2 word message "not good" in Facebook in that time.  And yes i messaged him, i dont call because most of the time he's teaching or such and can't answer.  This morning i got a "miss you", needless to say I'm struggling to believe that and said as much.  Immediate phone call.  

After the sure i miss you reassurances he said "I've got a project for you when you get home". urgh.  i have 1 week when i get back to deal with jetlag,  cook for xmas (2 fire houses and the family), tree, presents, clean, work etc aaaaand his oldest is due to give birth that week.  I soooooo haven't got time for this.

"Well actually you're the project"

*eye brow raise* now I'm confused,  is he going to organise my massage therapist to deal with my back?   What's the project?  

"Cardio"

Huh?  So I'm still confused.  

"You're going to start running"

Now hold up.  I dont run. EVER. I have G CUP breasts, i have actually hit myself in the face with one coming down the stairs too fast.  I dance,  step,  Zumba, elliptical. But i DONT run.  The bouncing is lewd and uncomfortable.

"You do now".

So ill explain why I'm pissed. I've ALWAYs been big, not really as much of a whale as now but never skinny.  He's ALWAYS preferred bigger girls.  The one time i was remotely thin i was doing 2 hours hard exercise a day on 600 calories. I do work out,  i do go to the gym.  As much as three jobs and 12 hours of driving a week allow.  I freaking studied nutrition and sports medicine for crying out loud.  

Not only do i HATE being told what to do.  It's a sure fire way of getting my dander up and making me do the opposite.  But a project? I'm a fucking project? Thanks for telling me you think i need some work done.  

I'm not perfect,  but i sure as hell resent the suggestion that i need to "fix" anything about myself when it comes from someone else.  I might have serious depression issues but almost none come from my weight or appearance, it's rather the side effect.  

Urgh!!! I was so put out that in the silence that followed i sorely thought about telling him i was going to move out when i got back.  

His lame excuse after figuring out that i was pissed :

"Well what with paris, you know my work,  there's credible Intel something will happen here."

Right,  our little middle of the mountains nowhere town of almost exclusively white people the majority, that is a whole 7 miles across,  that the rest of the world had never heard of. THATS a target,  not ny or dc or anywhere else but here.  Sure,  ill believe generally that there's a threat but I'm 100% more worried going on the underground in London than downtown at home.  

I swear I'm not sure i can hold my temper on this.  I'm trying to reason that he's taking this from a survival standpoint. That's part of his job.  But id 100000% believe that if anyone needs Cardio in this family it's his two 300/400lb daughters who can't even make the stairs.  I did an hours yoga with one,  she couldn't do most of it, then spent 30 minutes sitting on the floor to recover.  

Im not sure what I'm more furious about. Being called "a project ", being told what to do,  or that his reason sounds like a 50/50 lame cover for him trying to tell me to lose weight.

On top of that he said “no more junk food”, funny. the vegetarian who doesn’t eat processed is the one its directed at rather than the person on skype eating a fucking bacon cheeseburger. oh and he doesnt need to go to the gym at aaaaaaall. 

So no, i’m not going to start running. Jackass.