#compared to some of the frankly alarming casting choices

[bipherpol]

i still want to know what the hell kind of black magic is going on in that casting department

[sserpente]

A/N: Requests from two anons and @eislyn-vis. I changed the scenario a bit but now there’s a different kind of Red Riding Hood concept.

Words: 1954 Warnings: angst, fluff, attempted rape, mentions of smut

“Come on, brother, it’ll be fun. How will you ever redeem yourself if you don’t spend time with us and prove to them you’re more than just the God of Mischief?” Thor bellowed, patting Loki’s shoulder so hard he stumbled forward. The Trickster rolled his eyes.

“I have no need to be redeemed, Thor. You are fully well aware it were not solely my actions that brought chaos to New York.”

Thor’s smile faltered a little. “I know. Maybe tonight, you can convince the others of that too.”

“I will not costume myself and drink myself into stupor, brother.” Thor had painted his face entirely white and added dark blue circles under his eyes. Fake blood was dripping down the corners of his mouth and whenever he spoke, Loki caught a glimpse of those way too big plastic fangs. He looked absurd.

“You don’t have to. Just come along, have a drink with me and celebrate Halloween with us.”

He stared at him, considering his invitation briefly. He could always cause some mischief among the crowd. Surely, a real living snake in the punch would elicit some kind of reaction.

“Fine,” he finally replied. “One drink.”

Thor’s grin was triumphant when he grabbed his brother by the neck and dragged him with him into the living room. Loki was already regretting he had said yes when he shoved a green drink in his hand and then joined Tony, Natasha and Steve. Dirty looks were shot in his direction as soon as they lay their judgemental eyes upon him.

He rolled his eyes once more, carefully sipping on his drink. It was not too bad, for a Midgardian brew. Annoyed, he let his eyes roam over the costumed crowd—he was not interested in a conversation with the Avengers anyway—right until he caught sight of a petite woman next to one of the doctors. Alas, you were petite to him, your red dress barely covering your delicious backside. You were wearing a red jacket that came with a hood, too, presumably made of leather. What were you supposed to illustrate? Red traffic lights Loki had discreetly ignored the first time Thor had sat him behind the wheel of a Midgardian vehicle?

“Who is that?” He found himself asking. Fascination was boiling in his veins, an interest he could not quite name as of yet.

Thor frowned. “Who?”

“That woman over there… the one wearing the red dress.” You had combined your outfit with black heels and equally black tights. Quite frankly… you looked ravishing. When was the last time he had felt immediate sexual interest in a woman?

“Oh, that… that is (Y/N), she’s a young scientist. Works with Banner. Why?”

Loki pursed his lips. “Never mind. What is she dressed up as?”

“Red Riding Hood.” Natasha said, folding her arms suspiciously. The God of Mischief rolled his eyes once more. He had no idea who or what Red Riding Hood was. All he knew was that he needed to hear your voice. He doubted you would be willing to speak to him though—after all, you worked with the Avengers. You knew what he had done.

Loki downed his drink quickly, choosing to spend the rest of the night watching you. For a moment, he even considered casting an illusion, transforming himself into someone else but then decided against it. If he were to get to know you… then he should have a chance for you to like him just the way he was, no tricks involved.

He almost snorted at the thought. Whoever would? According to Midgardian myths, he was the incarnation of evil. According to his life, he was an outsider, a villain, a monster.

Pressings his lips together to a thin line, he stood to pour himself another drink. Perhaps he should drink himself into stupor after all.

-

How come he had never seen you around before? Granted, Loki usually spent most of his time in his cell, pardon, room in the compound and he had not been here long enough to be acquainted with the entire team as of yet. Still… a young beauty such as you… he should have noticed you.

He was met with a hungover Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff in the kitchen. Cleaning maids—apparently, so Loki had been told by Thor, they were getting paid for their services—were taking care of the disgusting mess the party guests had left. Loki really did not understand all the fuss about Halloween.

Repulsed, he stepped over an empty glass bottle on the floor and poured himself a cup of coffee. Unlike the two mortals in the kitchen, he had remained entirely unaffected from last night’s alcoholic adventure.

At three am, when there was still no end of the party in sight, he retreated, stopping by Stark’s library before returning to his cell—bedroom. He quickly found what he was looking for and ended up falling asleep to the fairy tale of little Red Riding Hood wandering through a dark forest to bring her sick grandmother cake and wine.

“You left early last night, brother. You didn’t disappear with the lovely (Y/N), did you?” Thor entered the kitchen with a sneaky grin on his lips. Tony’s face fell, his eyes locking with Loki’s.

“Did you touch her?” Hmm… interesting. Of course they would not want him anywhere near an innocent young woman—but he sure loved getting on the billionaire’s nerves. If only he could say yes. He would have loved to have felt you underneath him last night.

“And if I did, then what?” He replied instead, scorn swinging in his voice.

“He’s bluffing.” Natasha stated unfazed. Tony ignored her. “(Y/N) left the compound to go for a run in the forest nearby ten minutes ago.”

“Stay away from her. If I even see you near her, I’ll see to it SHIELD locks you up again.”

“Because that worked out so well the first time you attempted to do so, yes?” Proudly, Loki lifted his chin, staring him down until he had to blink.

“(Y/N) is an honourable, decent woman. She’d never waste her breath on you.” The God of Mischief swallowed. There was a chance Stark was not lying. Still, he had all the information he needed.

“Worry not, Stark. In case you are concerned for her honour, however, I would strongly advise you stay away from the girl yourself.” He teleported himself out of the room before Tony could respond, finding himself on an idyllic forest path. Romanoff’s information had been vague but it was enough for Loki to locate you.

Casting an illusion on himself, his heart almost leaped out of his chest when you ran past him, dressed in a tight sports outfit complimenting each and every one of your curves. Ironically, it was red.

By the Norns, was this not pathetic? Making himself invisible and watching you sweat like a mad predator? What other choice did he have? Stark’s harsh words rang in his ears, making him wonder if they were true after all.

Oh, nonsense. If you were truly honourable, perhaps you would give him a chance despite his past. He would simply… where had you gone? You had been there only a second ago!

Loki flinched when you screamed. Alarmed, he rushed to your side, abandoning his invisibility charm. A strange man had sneaked up on you, holding a small knife to your throat from behind and dragging you off the safe path into the undergrowth.

He could only imagine what it was he wanted from you. He gnashed his teeth. How dare he even think about touching you against your will. Possessiveness crawled through his body, along with a strong urge to protect you. Loki had never even heard your voice and still… He was not cruel. Surely, he would have helped any woman from getting raped before his eyes, yet with you he felt that if he failed saving you, something inside him would break. His heart? No, his heart had long been broken. But there was a connection. A connection he could not quite describe. He wondered… would Frigga know? His mother… the woman who had raised him had always known advice for any predicament he had found himself in, up until he had found out what he really was.

Without any hesitation, he grabbed the stranger by the throat and hurled him against a tree, the knife falling to the ground and landing mutely in the green moss.

“What the…”

He looked up, realising who had attacked him and swallowing thickly.

“You have three seconds before I rip your head off.” He growled, making him stumble to his feet and run faster than you had ever seen a man run before. Relief washed over you.

“L-Loki?” Your eyes widened when you recognised him, hovering above you, his dark glare downright murderous. You frowned.

“And there I was thinking that I would be the big bad wolf in this scenario.” He replied with an amused grin, remembering the fairy tale he had read last night.

“What are you talking about?” Still frowning, you let him help you up, electricity rippling through you when your hands touched.

By the Norns, standing this close to you only made him realise now how tiny you were compared to him. He could just lift you up with both his hands, bring your delicious quim to his face and bury his tongue between your folds all the while you hung in his arms completely helpless, forced to accept the pleasure he was offering you…

“I am afraid you caught my attention at the party last night.” Now that was an understatement but at least, it was not a lie.

You raised an eyebrow. Oh… your costume, of course… “That does not explain why you followed me into the woods.” Ah. Yes.

“I shall be glad I did. Stark was very vehement about me staying away from you.”

“Tony tends to get a little overprotective from time to time.”

“I do not like being told what not to do.”

You blinked. You had never actually spoken to Loki before. You were aware of his presence in the compound, of course—yet the stories the Avengers had told you had made you hesitate. You had not exactly avoided him, still you had to admit you had not been overly keen on joining Bruce in the lab when he was present.

Loki had shattered your opinion of him like a piece of glass. If he truly was as evil as the heroes made him out to be, then why had he just saved you from a rapist? Your heart was still beating like a steam hammer, adrenaline cursing through your body. You didn’t even realise you were bleeding until Loki reached for your neck and gently pulled you towards him.

“He injured you. I should have killed him after all.” He muttered tenderly.

“I-I’m okay.” Loki looked up, your eyes locking. He had not imagined it then. There was a connection. But you were suspicious of him, he could tell. The hesitation radiated off of you like liquid heat. At least, he felt no hatred and disgust.

Making you flinch, he brushed his thumb against the bleeding wound the man’s knife had caused. One second passed before it disappeared, leaving behind unblemished skin Loki was itching to taste with his mouth.

“Thank you…” You murmured, unsure of how to react to his gentleness. What was it he had said? That you had caught his attention last night? “I, um… I’m heading back now, will you… will you join me?”

Loki nodded slowly, suppressing a triumphant grin. “With pleasure.” It was a start, at least.

-

A/N: Check out my blog to find more Imagines and take a glimpse at my first (to be) published novel! Also, if you enjoyed this story, I would appreciate so much if you supported me on Kofi! ko-fi.com/sserpente ♥

[weaselbeaselpants]

Why I Hate Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd

Hate is a strong word but, yes, I really don’t like the 2007 Sweeney Todd. I didn’t like it when it came out (and I was already a big Burton fan girl AND my family is made up of theater people. Don’t you dare try to Burton-splain or Theater-splain me). The musical fan in me dislikes it for overshadowing the story which I think is much better on stage, while the Burton fan in me hates it for being the “best thing Burton’s made since the 90s” according to some. More on that later.

Let me dissect the two things that irk me most about this adaptation:

1) Johnny Depp’s Sweeney Todd

Let’s get something straight about stage shows: every actor is gonna play a role a little differently. Every (good) actor brings a new dimension to a character or portrays them in a way that brings something new to the audience, be it people who’ve seen the show hundreds of times or those watching the musical for the first time. This is even more complicated when you have a movie adaptation of the play. The movie is likely gonna be seen more than the stage musical, so you have to get used to that version being the only one people know and thus being an interpretation of character people will like the best. You CAN’T expect Johnny Depp to play Sweeney like Len Cariou or George Hearn. Johnny is not only NOT those actors, his portrayal of the character follows a very different characterization and mannerisms than them. 

Personally - I like my Sweeney being this angry person ready to burst with rage at the drop of the hat, someone who seethes hate everywhere he goes but doesn’t seem to turn heads, yet he still has a sense of humor about a situation, possibly as a way to adjust to his new philosophy. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be sad or solemn though. He’s clearly in pain on the inside, and like a real psychopath is trying his best to feel something again while trying not to return to the pain of loosing his wife and child. I also like Sweeney trying - possibly failing - to put on this air or everything being okay like he’s still just a humble barber and not a nihilistic serial killer. Basically, I like my Sweeney being highly emotional. I like my baritone-bass, Cariou/Hearn type Sweeneys.

Depp and/or Burton is going for a “lost all emotion and joy, never smiles, empty shell, cold and clearly brooding���-type Sweeney. Whatevs. The problem isn’t that you CAN’T play Sweeney that way. Sweeney’s only requirement as a character is that he be a psychotic, revenge-driven, deeply heartbroken man that’s so bent on revenge he ends up destroying the very thing he set out to avenge. You can play up his emotions or lack there of as much as you want.

My problem is that I don’t think Depp plays that well.

I don’t know whether it was his choice, Burton’s choice, or both to have Sweeney sneer more than a 1st grader at a teacher who told him he has to spend recess doing homework- but seriously THAT’S ALL I SEE. Depp looks like he’s trying too hard to look angry and super serious. He’s so edgy looking and his dryness doesn’t come off as engaging to me. His emotionless performance feels lazy. It doesn’t help that he can’t sing either. Like, seriously, Johnny Depp can’t sing. Helena Bonham Carter can sing better than him. I suppose Sweeney Todd isn’t the kind of musical where characters are supposed to sound ‘pretty’, but they could at least sound like they’re hitting a note.

Speaking of Helena-Bonham-Lovett, while I don’t like her performance, I think it’s way more solid than Depp’s. That’s because - again - while this Lovett is very different from the much preferred Landsbury-type, it’s still a version of Mrs. Lovett and gets the most of what her character should be down: desperate, sick and twisted, in-Love with Sweeney and dubious in nature, leaving your to wonder how much worse she is compared to him. Landsbury Lovett is a nasty hag pretending to be a warm grandma; Carter’s Lovett is a worn-out prostitute; whichever way you go you have a desperate, delusional monster cook. It’s not my Mrs. Lovett, but it is a Mrs. Lovett.

Depp’s Todd is sooooooooooo broody you guyz that he doesn’t even feel like Sweeney anymore. He just feels like a generic heartless killer DONUT STEELE GUYS! The character is lost beneath the over-under-acted performance and star power.

2) Tim Burton’s super emo-phase directing

Prepare for the Burton-hipster in me to come out.

I hated Tim Burton’s visual storytelling and mood as a director in the 2000s. For starters, everything has a super dark, shadowy (ugly) filter. It ruined Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it ruined Alice and Wonderland and it ruined this to some extant. IT’S A TIM BURTON FILM. We don’t need a grey, hazy, deluded color scheme to show that it’s gothic. Actually I think Burton benefited a lot in his earlier movies by having lots of scenes shot in sunny environments with good color schemes to better compliment when things got melancholic, gross, weird, or messed up. Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands are the shining examples of this trope. Not every scene looks super deep or grim, so they stand out from the rest of the scenes in the film and establish tone.

Of course, if there’s one story that could benefit from a washed out, dry color scheme I think it IS this film, and I do like the contrast for how bright the blood is. I just wish the lighting wasn’t so overbearing in EVERY scene, no matter what the intended mood. Also it looks kinda bluish. Like it’s an Evanescence music video, probably not helped by the overabundance of CGi. Also, Victorian London is muggy and gross. Burton’s film makes even London at it’s dirtiest feel kinda polished through his lighting and set design. Les Mis did a better job at showing you the grungy side of it’s environment.

More important than visuals is the way in which Burton directed his actors and wrote characters at this time. No matter what the film he was making at the time, every character and every actor looks like they just got punched in the gut and act super dry. The only film that benefited from this ‘charisma’ was Corpse Bride: the story is bleak, melancholic, and at times cynical, it’s characters should emanate that for the sake of the story.

Much like Depp’s Sweeney, everyone whose not Helena Bonham Carter looks emo, angry, emotionless or sad, which by the way doesn’t help Sweeney stand out. Everyone looks like or feels like they’re serial killers. This is a cast of mostly deplorable characters but very few true-blue killers like Sweeney and Lovett. And if they’re supposed to be characters pushed to becoming Sweeney 2.0, like Joanna or Toby, the movie doesn’t do a good job at portraying that. Anthony gets it the worst since he’s the starry-eyed idealist who is too good for this or any world, but instead comes off as a creepo with weird hair. His plans for Joanna are supposed to be alarming, but you’re never supposed to feel like he’d do something bad to her. Movie!Anthony is so much of a crazed stalker that you really don’t want to spend ANYTIME with him or Joanna.

--

I find this adaptation overrated.

In the world of theater, you have to put up with the fact that not everyone can afford to see Broadway shows or take leap of faith and jump at a college or community theater production hoping it’s somewhat decent. Some people are gonna stick to the movie versions and that’s fine (Grease and Chicago are way better movies than they are stage-shows, in my opinion). So if someone prefers the Depp film to the show there’s not much you can do. That’s their opinion and that’s what they were introduced to first.

But then you get these movie critics and film buffs who say things like “this is the best Tim Burton film since (insert pre-1995 Burton film here)” and “it’s so well written, why doesn’t he make stuff like this anymore?”...I kinda wanna scream.

TIM BURTON DIDN’T WRITE SWEENEY TODD. The story is good cause he’s adapting an already existing story to the screen. Frankly, I think his flavor of gothic hinders the story. And the whole “this is the only good new Burton movie”-thing is also really annoying. Big Eyes is great. Heck, if you’re big on Tim Burton’s tropes being used to better affect, Frankenweenie is a better example than this film.

The thing about Tim Burton is, I think he’s better at working with small-scale stories, conflicts and themes than he is at tackling “deep” stuff, which Sweeney Todd is. Burton’s movies are simple in their complexity. That’s why when he tries to write war-based movies or “chosen one” stories like Alice in Wonderland or Planet of the Apes, it falls on it’s face. A Burton movie is more entertaining when he’s obviously just having fun with the stuff he likes and isn’t trying to present himself or his film as some auteur-masterpiece. In fact, if there’s any gothic musical more fit in Tim Burton’s hands than Sweeney Todd, I would say it’s Phantom of the Opera. That musical is ALL melodrama. It feels more at home with Burton than the moral- character driven bloodbath horror of Sweeney Todd. But hey, I guess that’s indicative of people thinking ‘well it’s goffik, so it’s perfect for so-and-so regardless of what their style is and what story we’re trying to tell’.

-

Rant done. Been waiting to get that off my chest since forever.

[destressjournal]

DCOM Rankings #94: Zapped

Aaaaaaaand we’re back to cringey.

Hello everyone! I’m so happy I’m almost at 100 DCOMs and do my official final ranking of them. I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch all of them by the end of the month like I would like to, and frankly with the new DCOM coming out next Friday, I don’t know when it would be released on Disney+, or if I’m just gonna have to record it on Disney channel when it premieres. But yeah that’s the sucky part when you’re busy literally every weekend.

But that’s just logistics stuff. Let’s get into the meat of this really awkward thing…

So….this type of movie I doubt would release today. I know the movie is only 7 years old, but I think a lot has happened since then in terms of societal awareness of gender issues specifically. And the movie’s kind of promoting of casual sexism is something that DCOM’s like Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook Off, have been trying to discourage. This seems like a step backwards for Disney channel. Yes I know that Zoey learns her lesson in the end about how controlling boys is bad, but I think the lesson could have gone a bit deeper than just “don’t control people and let them be who they are” because that is almost too surface level. Like, I really hope by this point kids know that blatantly controlling people is bad….(however I know some people who haven’t learned that lesson so maybe I’m giving people too much credit).

But you can tell this was made for little girls who think their brothers or boy cousins or boys at school are icky and gross. I HATE these parts in the movie. Because it’s so over-the-top, gross out humor, for one. And two, people are people…? Anyone can be gross and disgusting and anyone can be clean. Guys don’t sit around and fart on each other all day, or stand around and do weird movements, like whoever directed this just said to all the male actors “just act as weird and gross as humanly possible” and that’s not normal…??? Especially at a high school.

What I’m trying to get at here is that the movie misses its own point. And the end lesson was so superficial that it just all fell apart. The lesson should have been : “we can’t put certain labels on people because they call themselves male. People may bother and annoy us but we can’t control them or make them do what we want. Anyone is capable of being anything, everyone has feelings, and we’re all humans with our own worries and fears and other feelings. Boys aren’t all fart robots and girls aren’t always proper, let’s stop putting people in boxes and try to address problems directly.” Zapped only managed to talk about the controlling piece, which did need to be talked about but they still use casual sexism at the end of the movie. It’s like…? What are kids going to take away from this movie..?

That was by far my biggest issue with this movie. The premise itself was fine ish, although for some people it may make them uncomfortable. At least the movie acknowledged that the ethics surrounding controlling people is questionable at best. But watching her yell into her phone “be clean” , “be quiet” “don’t be weird”, “dance better” etc. it’s just kind of hard to watch sometimes. I get it though, the movie is trying to say how this is a bad thing, it’s not promoting, but it’s assuming that little girls want to just control their siblings and the boys at school, and that’s kind of effed up. I just wish that the lesson packed more of a punch.

I have no qualms with any of the actors by the way. Zandaya is always a gem, and the supporting cast is amazing too! It’s the directing and the writing that disappoints me. Does everything have to be totally 100% realistic all the time? No of course not, but over the top acting, especially with the popular girls, was to me so effing annoying.

Okay, let’s talk about the characters. They were all…okay. None of them were my favorite, and if I really had to pick my favorite character…I guess it would be the parents? Idk they’re just so mature and loving and understanding of the new arrangement. The main character Zoey is fine…I guess…it’s just there’s not much to her except she’s a phone addict. Actually let’s talk about that for a second.

There’s another smaller lesson saying that you don’t need your phone, and she literally breaks her phone and throws it in the garbage. Ummmm, I take issue with this. First off while I agree that phone time should absolutely be limited, especially when you’re doing something social around people. In 2021 it’s basically become almost a necessity to have a smart device of some kind. Maybe not for kids, I agree, but I’m just saying this as a working adult. A lot of much needed things are on my phone, my email, my schedule, my goal trackers, my reminders, my alarms, my calendar invitations, is all there! And I can take it wherever I go. It’s so commonplace now that telling kids to break their phone and throw it away won’t do a ton of good today. Like I said, the movie was probably filmed in 2013, where iPhones were just starting to become commonplace.

I think a better lesson here is that you don’t need to be glued to your phone 24/7. Take breaks, hang out and play with friends, go outside! And I think the lesson would have landed better if she used apps for other useless things besides the controlling device so that kids could be like ohhhhh I probably shouldn’t do that either. Social media was still pretty new at this point so I’m not surprised that this DCOM didn’t address it. But wow if anything social media is such a whirlpool of toxicity and I agree that you really don’t need it

Okay another rant about the lessons. Let’s skip to a different aspect of the movie I hate, the cringey ness and over the top acting. I know I already referenced it but the popular girl is a great actress but oh my god her character was wayyy too much for me. The aggressive hair flipping…ugh so annoying. And the side kick character that always backs up the popular girl. Like, no guys just stop. It’s cliche’s everywhere you go! Any scene they are together in just makes me wanna laugh it’s so ridiculous. And the boy sibling characters are also just one personality trait and that’a it…? I don’t even know all their names! That’s how little I cared about the characters. A lot of the cringiness also comes with the costume designs and fashion choices. So early 2010’s. Fedora hats have been out for so long now and I literally cringe when I see anyone wear one. It’s literally the mark of a cheese puff/Mountain Dew, “nice guy”.

I also didn’t like how the love interest just forgives Zoey at the end, like she didn’t do much to fix her mistake other than embarrass her self for like 1 minute and then say the release command. Like what she did was pretty damn bad, and the fact that she ordered him to kiss her! Like noooooo! this girl has control issues! he would’ve been my favorite character in the movie if he didn’t make that dumb choice but you always gotta have your romantic partner and your happy ending right???

Yeah this movie is just frustrating and cringey. for the most part. HOWEVER there were actually pockets of good scenes that saved this from being a D movie. (But it’s still a minus from me dawg). One of those scenes was where the dad and brothers fixed zoey’s music box, and how the dad mentioned how they worked really hard all day to put all the pieces back together. I thought that was really sweet! Another great scene happened between Zoey and the oldest brother around her age. She asked him for dating advice and he was really sincere and thoughtful in his response. AND I love that he point out that he has worries and insecurities too, just like anyone else. YAAASSSS. This dude plays all the right characters in these movies. The scenes with the mom are also pretty good, and the scenes with the love interest early on were also good. And I guess that’s what frustrates me the most, that this movie was capable of so much more than the final product. But they wanted to focus on silly gags and cringey hair flips instead.

So based on the previous paragraph I think you know what kind of grade I plan to give this movie. C- baby! I never wanna see this trash again. But I can’t deny there were good things about the movie too that I feel weird grading it a D. Who knows, I may change my mind later.

The next one I’ve heard the title before just from word of mouth. And it looks pretty “pixel perfect”-esque, so it’s likely I’ll be comparing the two in my next review. Can’t wait!