#commercial romance is commercial for a reason lmfao

[colorisbyshe]

this post is so funny to me because like... no... every gender/sexuality is writing the worst romance imaginable. commercial romance and honestly... indie romance is 99.999% slop. often fun slop, like get me a second bowl of it slop, but... slop.

and, yes, Gender-Norms-Are-Killing-Us-All type slop, too. even in the gay shit. even in the trans shit. even when they're Own Voices written and consulted.

romance is a low barrier to entry type genre that caters even more to wish fulfillment and tropes than other genres and... well... a lot of that stuff is propped up by things like heteronormativity and things adjacent to that

bisexuals and other gay people can't save the genre.... not even the insane ones

like... commercial romance is always gonna fall into... appealing to the widest base of consumers i'm sorry!

[sapphicwhxre]

• valentine’s day

happy (late) valentine’s day! HCs under the cut for: hermione granger, draco malfoy, harry potter, pansy parkinson, ginny weasley, ron weasley, fred weasley, george weasley, cho chang, luna lovegood, parvati patil, padma patil, lavender brown, fleur delacour, nymphadora tonks, bellatrix lestrange, and narcissa black. a/n: im also very clearly obsessed with girls in lingerie, leave me be.

cw: includes sexual HCs (not detailed)

♥️──||

hermione granger

♥️──||

• basically gives you, ron, and harry a crash course on valentine’s day

• you’re probably the only one not bored to death

• you actually have to remind her that you have plans

• she gets really excited and stops with her “commercial holiday that takes advantage of people who feel the need to prove their love!” rant

• wears a pretty dress and goes to the trouble of doing her hair

• all blushy when she gives you a gift

• buys you a muggle valentine’s card too

• swooning mess when you give her any presents but really cares more about the love and feelings behind it

• won’t stop muttering thank yous and i love yous

• painfully romantic, sensual valentine’s sex under her blankets all night

♥️──||

draco malfoy

♥️──||

• complains about/insults the holiday

• but proceeds to smother you with gifts and valentine’s candies

• he actually likes valentine’s day a lot because it's the one day you won’t freak out over him spoiling you (but if it’s gifts and love, then i guess everyday is valentine’s day with him)

• takes you to the most expensive place he can possibly find

• pda all day

• makes fun of other couples ─ despite you two being way lovier than any of them

• moody if you don’t immediately wear the jewelery he gives you, “you hate it, don’t you?” “draco give me a second, i just opened it!”

• buys you *special* lingerie

• praises you all day

• and all night

♥️──||

harry potter

♥️──||

• forgets it’s even valentine’s day

• until ron’s on about “what to get hermione!”

• he just didn't ever have a reason to acknowledge it before

• ‘cause yk... he was never included in holidays at home or at school ─ especially not a romantic one lmfao

• feels horrible and buys everything you like

• also gets you lingerie but is such an embarrassed mess when buying it ─ and even more of a mess when he gives it to you

• gets a little tipsy with you and attacks you with affection

• and breaks your heart when he admits why he did everything last minute

• wants to take you out but can’t actually keep his lips or hands off of you

• so how does post-valentines day breakfast sound?

♥️──||

pansy parkinson

♥️──||

• pretends she didn’t get you anything at first, “oh is it valentine’s day today?”

• just for kicks

• then spoils you tho

• in physical, verbal, and materialistic ways

• isn’t mean to anyone all day

• you have her undivided attention so no one else is worth a second glance

• the only exception is if the waiter messes something up

• she wants everything to be perfect and will not hesitate to go off on them

• takes you to pick out matching lingerie

• two sets for each of you, of course, since the set won't be usable after she ruins you

♥️──||

ginny weasley

♥️──||

• goes grade school style and gets you a cute little card with a candy

• fred and george def pull a prank on you two “lovebirds”

• so you pull one back

• romances you all day

• the type to excessively call you pet names and give you all these kisses

• manages to make calling you her valentine sound dirty, “valentine,” “oh fuck”

• can and will be touching you at all times

• in less than innocent ways when you’re alone (but sometimes not alone)

• bonnie wright in red lipstick makes me feel things and ginny does it to you on valentine’s too

• knows how to give the perfect gifts and have you swooning more than you already are for you

♥️──||

ron weasley

♥️──||

• pesters hermione and ginny for advice all week leading up to it (i use this all the time but one of my fav ron relationship HCs is just that he goes to them for girl advice)

• saves up all the money he can months in advance

• is really embarrassed about not being able to get you as many gifts as he’d like

• and about you buying more than he did

• you have to absolutely assault him with your love so he knows how grateful you are for him and everything he does for you

• he may not have a lot of money BUT he has all the love to give you for valentine's day

• major pda, lots of not so subtle “you see, my girlfriend here”

• he’ll carry you everywhere, kiss you, and call you pet names

• and whisper not so innocent things ─ but they’re just as romantic

• then he brings each of them to life that night

♥️──||

george weasley

♥️──||

• meets you at midnight

• you’re really tired but he thinks it’s adorable and proceeds to kiss the living hell out of you

• carries you to “make up for the whole waking you up at midnight thing”

• takes you to nick some stuff from the kitchens

• including a whole ass chocolate fountain

• chocolate covered strawberries and other treats

• which leads to fruity, chocolate-y kisses ─ and a little more

• using the marauders map to sneak out of the castle + have sex with a pretty view of it all

• finding when he lets you get back that someone dropped off gifts, love letters, and a place + reservation time in your dorm

♥️──||

fred weasley

♥️──||

• gives you all the bunches of sweet gifts that he can

• has some stupid inside jokes (and just plain stupid jokes) in a love letter with them

• keeps smirking at you to make you think there’s something wrong with his gifts

• to the point where you won’t even hold the flowers he gives you, “i swear to merlin if this sprays me or blows up─” “it won’t darling, i promise”

• but it’s all safe and fine, he’s just annoying

• won’t tell you tho until the end of the day when you have a pile of untouched stuff

• there’s some kinky presents in there for sure

• and you’ve got nothing to be wary of there

• covers you in kisses and loving ─ but eventually wild ─ intimate affections

• gets the house elves to bring you dinner + your fav dessert up (fred and george eventually became friends with the castle elves, pass it on)

• cuddles you to death sleep

♥️──||

cho chang

♥️──||

• enchants roses to bloom with small gifts and leaves them in your dorm

• there’s a note that tells you to meet her in the ravenclaw common room (she trusts you have the wits to enter)

• she’s waiting in this gorgeous dress that her lingerie barely peeks out of

• “darling, you got my letter” “it was beautiful cho”

• you share a box of chocolates and look out the window together since she knows how much you love the view

• the morning together is heaven with stolen sugary kisses and warm cuddles

• she completely shifts tones for the evening

• that lingerie that teased you behind her dress comes out after dinner

• tangled bodies in your favourite spot

• and whispered reminders that, “you’re my one and only love, don’t you ever forget that”

♥️──||

luna lovegood

♥️──||

• valentine’s day picnic, valentine’s day picnic, valentine’s day picnic!!

• she spends all week sneaking away from you to perfect it

• wakes you up in your dorm just before sunrise so that you can watch it together

• brews up some hot tea and pumpkin juice, along with lovegood family speciality cakes

• “be my valentine, y/n?” “luna, we’re dating” “i should still ask you, shouldn’t i? we mustn’t stop with the romance just because we’re already together”

• special charms to keep the nargles away on this special day

• to luna’s satisfaction, makeouts uninterrupted by any magical creatures whatsoever

• dances with you in the open wind

• gifts you something only luna would know you’d love

• and fucks you while the sun goes down

♥️──||

padma patil

♥️──||

• leaves little notes all over your dorm for you to find

• they’ve got clues for the night (parks and rec style but without the crazy)

• your first dates and memories from your affections

• she makes them all extremely obvious but then praises you for figuring it out and won’t stop with the “my baby’s so smart,”

• long makeout and cuddles with the compliments

• smiling mess when you give her a gift

• “like to see my gift, y/n?” surprise, she’s wearing lingerie

• tells you all breathless afterwards that she got you actual gifts too

• and won’t stand for any teasing since you gave right into her hotness

• running off to dinner together, giddy and in love

♥️──||

parvati patil

♥️──||

• shows up right at your door, around the time she knows you wake up

• expects you to have read the long love letter left on your pillow

• if you have, she’ll just kiss you and if you haven’t, she’ll hold your head in her lap while you do

• swoons for your touch while she tells you what she has planned for you

• lays in bed with you for a bit and in addition to her ideas, talks with you about what you want to do

• at one point you get a, “y/n, what if we forget all that and spend the day inside?” “i like the sound of that”

• it’s actually a lot of innocent conversations and affection

• until one of your kisses lingers and suddenly someone’s on the other’s lap

• you only finally go out because you “wouldn’t want that reservation to go to waste”

• but really, you just want to see her look gorgeous in a dress

♥️──||

lavender brown

♥️──||

• has probably been talking about her plans for the past month, “and then we’ll...”

• won’t even let you get out of bed at first

• you can’t really breathe from how close she is to you

• but you’re not complaining

• making out until she realises she wants to give you her gifts

• after that she drags you out of bed

• she went all out and made plans for the entire day

• puts her hands over your eyes to surprise you for every single one of them

• which you can’t even be mad about ‘cause she’s so happy and cute

• even more excited to show you the lingerie she bought for the occasion

♥️──||

fleur delacour

♥️──||

• she goes all out

• dim room, gourmet french foods, rose petals on the ground

• hopeless romantic bliss, she wants it to be a day straight out of your dreams

• instantly tells you that, “oh y/n, you are so beautiful” ─ to which you respond, “fleur i haven’t even gotten ready yet...”

• absolutely loses it when valentines and gifts show up at her door for her, “don’t they know i’m yours! imbeciles!”

• a walk and a certain intimate activity you both enjoy in the moonlight after your dinner

• scarily perfect wrapped gifts given

• an entire speech on how much she loves you and wants to give you the whole world ─ and adds quite sadly that “this will have to do”

• you assure her that it’s been perfect and show her just that

♥️──||

nymphadora tonks

♥️──||

• “i wonder if i can give you a hickey in the shape of a heart”

• you wake up to something dumb like that and get jumped by her affection

• she’s already in lingerie and quipped with dirty talk, it’s just that thought that happened to wake you

• has her hair your very favourite colour

• “good morning beautiful,” doesn’t let you breathe with all the kisses and touches she gives you

• takes you to a remote location on her broomstick

• which is just a candlelit meal and a large, messily wrapped present

• she shoved it all into one box and put a bunch of little love notes on each one (this one’s kinda random but it feels right)

• probably definitely wants you to sit on her lap all cliché like and let her feed you dessert

• keeps you on her lap after for different activities

♥️──||

bellatrix lestrange

♥️──||

• genuinely excited for the holiday

• it’s her two favourite love languages in one day : touch and gifts

• fucks you in every (house-elf decorated) room of the house

• takes you to breakfast, lunch, and dinner

• gets extremely moody if you make any half negative comment that day

• won’t show it but she immediately melts and goes back to her good mood if you give her a kiss

• a lot of wine... and i mean a lot

• makes it a point to kiss you really fiercely around single people

• “bella wtf that’s cruel” “y/n, kiss me again” “yes ma’am”

• she doesn’t care ─ double sting, they’re missing out on love and on you

♥️──||

narcissa black

♥️──||

• queen of romance

• and elegance

• handwrites you love letters

• leaves them in your bed, the bathroom, anywhere you’ll find them

• runs you a bath with rose petals

• she leaves a scary big pile of wrapped presents for you

• joins you at some point and points in the direction of a certain present

• it’s lingerie, she takes you to the bedroom

• wouldn’t ruin you too bad since you have dinner and wine plans

• but she’ll have you begging under the table and then ruin you completely once you get home

────────

[borisbubbles]

2010s Eurovision: 380-376

380. Lighthouse X - “Soldiers of love” Denmark 2016

No words shall be wasted on this empty, offensively generic song. There’s another “Soldiers of love” out there. Watch that one instead, because it’s infinitely better than this one.

379. Cascada - “Glorious” Germany 2013

I’m surprised Cascada don’t rank lower for me because I used to VISCERALLY hate “Glorious” since release for being a shameless “Euphoria” Rip-off, while also possessing NONE of the traits that made Euphoria great (artistry, emotional tension, avant garde beat, excellent choreography, universal hit potential). Even after all those years, “Glorious” is still terrible! Horrible live voice, hollow melody, uninspired act, Germany’s fetish for Mediocre White Women at its finest!  EVACUATE THE FUCKING DANCEFLOOR.

Having said that,  I mostly hated the Cascada fans though, who accused EMMELIE of copying “Euphoria” (oh the fuckin’ IRONY)  and since they’ve since dumped Natalie Hurler in Whateverstan after she flopped, so is it time for me to put her at the spot of my ranking where I retire my pet hates once I’m done raining hellfire and brimstone on them. 🤗

378. Demy - “This is love” Greece 2017

[2017 Review Here]

Oh look, it’s another of my pet hates!!! In this case though, there is SOME silver lining in that *the entrie 2017 cast* in Kyiv hated Demy for no apparent reason and it’s so hilarious. Remember this?

It even spread to mainland Greece where her entire career just DIED after Eurovision lmfao <3 However, all that drama makes her song easier to stomach because Jesus fuck this just a rearranged “Glorious” with a lot of Uncanny Valleyness blended into the mix (Demy looks like a BratZ doll to me?). Stop trivializing romance and compassion through cheap-ass songs, dammit! 

PS: I would advise against ever pausing the live performance, at any point through the song. It will give you night terrors. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you!

377. Jessica Mauboy - “We got love” Australia 2018

[2018 Review Here]

Oh dear what to even add about Jessica specifically here, since her flaws I’ve already explained in other entries: Basic Bitch song, generic forgettable hollow message about ~love&peace~, complete failure at getting it across because the Aussie delegation *forgot* to cue in their own entrant on what the plan was, uninspired Sabotage Baptiste staging, etc. There’s nothing NEW to write here and that’s probably why the entire Jessican’t Maubore experience sucks: She just repeats the many inaccuracies and BorisBubbles pet peeves of those who came before her. Get this bland wench OFF my screen!

376. Tamta - “Replay” Cyprus 2019

GOD SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS. I actually made a tally (lol) and it’s too long to recap here, but I count about ~35 different individual items that SUCK. I’ll stick to the most poignant ones (while shoehorning as many of the small ones) the most important of which is of course FUEGO CLONE!! Actually lol, I wish “Replay” were even remotely like “Fuego”. It is very transparent in its intentions to capitalize on Eleni’s success, yes, but “Replay” sounds like a Margaret discography track, which is even WORSE *and* shamelessly rips off MARUV styling and staging concept *and* then proceeds to meander through the motions with manufactured sexual tension without any satisfying climax or end. For a song called “Replay” it has zero replay value. 

Poignant flaw #2 is the story told here. Now, I’m all about Tamtararam getting it if she’s tired of being lonely, especially since she’s old enough in Tamta years to be a grandmother/shitsing her body, but not a single woman is happy with being called at 2 am in the fucking morning for some casual hankypanky unless she’s either a sex worker or a vampire. The styling (wet hair look, Pennywise-like make-up, VA-JEWELLERY) further accentuates the general, female-objectifying slutpop vibe being emulated here. Poignant flaw #3 is... well the Sabotage Baptiste. CALLED it that Luca was her protégé this year and she would pass off the most unimaginative staging ideas to Tamta. The Broken White + Lavender colour scheme made "Replay” look like a frozen yoghurt commercial and ALL of the uninspired ‘special effects’ were predictable seconds before they happened. Most of them were also seizure-inducing. Por ejemplo, ¿qué es eso? 

(BACKROLLS??? -- Alyssa Edwards -- BorisBubbles) This entry was BAD and it should feel BAD.