#colress' ass for the soul

[xyami-mari]

The first encounter ~

But Colress was too distracted to notice that handsome gambler...

Grimsley's POV under the cut:

Grimsley wondered: will he ever meet that pretty scientist and his cute butt again?

lol

[spacefinch]

Pokemon Incorrect Quotes: Unova Edition

Hugh: *handing out smiley balloons* I have no soul. Have a nice day!

Colress: I don't have one either.

Drayden: Let me see what you have!

Iris: A knife!

Drayden: NO!

Cilan: Fun fact! Blueberries are the only fruit named after a color.

Iris: Star fruit?

Cilan: ♥️ So close! That is a shape ♥️

Colresss: Welcome to physics!

*science project explodes*

*screaming*

Hilda: 🎶 ANNIE ARE YOU OKAY, ANNIE ARE YOU OKAY, ANNIE 🎶

Hilbert: *banging pots and pans*

Hilda: 🎶 ANNIE ARE YOU OKAY, WILL YOU TELL US THAT YOU’RE OKAY 🎶

Teacher: Uh, Cheren, can you read number 23 for the class, please?

Cheren: No, I cannot. What up, I’m Cheren, I’m 19, and I never fricking learned how to read.

Chili: Hi, welcome to Chili's.

Elesa: Hey, I’m lesbian.

Emmet: I thought you were Unovan.

Clay: I wanna be a cowboy, baby!

Alder: Hell yeah!

Clay:  I wanna be a cowboy, baby!

Hilbert: TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN

Cheren: Why are you guys reblogging this in December?

Hilda: TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN

Rosa: TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN

Cheren: It is February, you ANIMALS

Nate: TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN

Emmet: "Average person eats 8 spiders a year" factoid, actually statistical error. Average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave and eats over 10,000 every day, is an outlier and should not have been counted.

Chili: Oh sorry, I fell asleep while I was waiting on you to make me a sandwich.

Cress: Go back to sleep AND STARVE.

Ingo: Perhaps it is the context in which words are spoken that gives them the power of meaning. *yelling* I LOVE YOU, JOLTIK!

Emmet, banging on pots and pans: I DON'T GET NO SLEEP 'CAUSE OF YOU! Y'ALL NOT GONNA GET NO SLEEP 'CAUSE OF ME!

Hilda: Would you like something to drink? *opens fridge* We have water, milk, juice, Joltiks, Dr. Pepper…

Cheren: Joltiks?

Hilda: Joltiks it is, then.

Cheren: Wait, that’s not what I meant—

But she was already pouring him a brimming glass of Joltiks.

Ingo and Emmet: *in the middle of an intense Pokemon battle*

Hilbert: Can I get a waffle? Can I PLEASE get a waffle?

After said battle:

Hilbert, pointing at the losing Pokemon: He need some milk

Ingo: Road work ahead? Uh, yeah, I sure hope it does!

Rosa (pointing at a flock of Swanna): Look at all those chickens!

Ingo: *filming in selfie mode*

Emmet: (in background) Bop it! Twist it! Pull it!

Colress (grinning): I'M GOING TO JAIL!

Cheren: Tumblr is just talking to yourself but with an audience.

Cilan: That’s called a soliloquy.

Cheren: Found the theater kid. Get em boys.

Iris: Hey OP, how do we know you’re not a theater kid?

Cheren: I’M AN ENGLISH LIT MAJOR, YOUR HONOR

Cilan: Eating chips with chopsticks is unironically galaxy brain. Your fingers don’t get greasy and it lasts for longer.

Chili: Fork

Cilan: Oh, yeah, I’m going to stab my crunchy foods and make them fall apart like an absolute absentminded dunce, fool, clown, jester, like a monstrous moron, an idiot of Shakespearean proportions, a cretin.

Cress: Um, you seem to forget that ‘chips’ can also mean fries. And that’s probably what he was talking about, haha

Cilan: I did not forget anything. I purposely ignore the idea of using British vocabulary to do my part in helping it die out.

Cilan: KNOWLEDGE is knowing that a tomato is technically a fruit.

Cress: WISDOM is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Chili: PHILOSOPHY is wondering if a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

Cheren: COMMON SENSE is knowing that ketchup isn't a smoothie.

Ingo: I went to the store and bought Quick Oats. The next day, my brother came back with Instant Oats. I will not be humiliated like this. I must now find an even sooner oat.

Hilbert: I hope nobody is evil

Ghetsis: >:)

Hilbert: Oh no

Elesa: Don’t post your negativity on a positive post.

Volkner: Electrons

Elesa: I should kick your ass.

Cilan: Being alive is great because there are so many different vegetables you can sauté. But then there are also the horrors.

Cheren: People who say ‘oof’ and people who say ‘bruh’ contribute nothing to a conversation.

Nate: OOF

Hilbert: BRUH

Ingo: Early to bed, early to rise, Burger King burger with Burger King fries

Skyla: Later to rise, later to bed, Burger King burger on Burger King bread

Elesa: Eat at morning, eat at night, I participate in a Burger King fight

Emmet: I slap my knees, I slap my thighs, tonight is the night that Burger King dies

Cheren: I currently have seven empty notebooks and I have no clue what to put in them.

Cilan: Put spaghetti in it.

Cheren: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except you.

Bianca: Put spaghetti in it.

Cheren: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except you two.

Nate: Put spaghetti in it.

Cheren: I am no longer taking suggestions.

Roxie: *playing guitar*

*suspicious crashing noises in distance*

Roxie: *plays guitar louder*

Hilbert: Big mood.

Emmet: What does that mean?

Hilbert: Well… it means, me too, I guess.

*the next day*

Ingo: I'm worried about Team Rocket using our subway system.

Emmet: Big mood, brother. Big mood.

Ingo: HILBERT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Hilbert: Z is just a sideways N

N: Please stop it

Hilbert: Zo

Elesa: I can't find my earbuds and Target is closed. This is a nightmare.

Burgh: Put a Durant in each ear and they will sing to you.

Elesa: Not a half-bad idea actually.

Emmet: I go to Home Depot

Emmet: I eat the tools

Ingo: Stop it

Emmet: Crumch

Roxie: Is it cheating to teach Toxic to every member of my Pokemon team?

Elesa: Not at all, I'd love to hear them sing it.

Clay: None of y’all know what propaganda actually is, do you?

Hilda: It’s when a British person takes a good look at something.

Elesa: What are you guys going to be for Halloween?

Ingo: Sad

Burgh: Gay

Skyla: Sexy

Emmet: Goblin

Ingo: What if I was evil and ran towards you at very fast speeds

Emmet: My arms are strong, I would catch you and hug you

Clay: Children, this is dirt.

Nate, Rosa, and Hugh: dirt? dirt? dirt? dirt? dirt?

Hilda: Shoutout to all the people who started saying “same” as a joke once in a while but now use it for the most random things like a car honking their horn at another car.

Cheren: Yesterday a book fell off my desk but instead of picking it up, I just looked at it for a second and said “same”

Hilbert: LOL same

Bianca: Why are we like this?

Cheren: Is there anything better than pussy?

Cheren: Yes, a really good book

Cheren: *plays the keyboard*

Hilbert: Who’s the hottest Uber driver you’ve ever had?

N: Ummm… I never went to Oovoo Javer.

*HAS NEVER WENT TO OOVOO JAVER*

Looker: Where’s the best place to buy fireworks?

Hugh: Wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy?

Looker: Where are your parents? Kid’s sketchy, back to you.

Emmet: *screams into jar and then screws on the lid* Everything’s fine.

Cilan: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire?

Nate: Microwave for 40 minutes

Cilan: Why were you microwaving a lemon??

Nate: I read boiling lemons helps cover up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges), but I didn’t own any pots.

Cilan: Did you burn an orange too? How??

Nate: Microwave for 40 minutes

Classroom: *silence*

One of the students: turgle turgle

Cheren: WHO TURGLED

Hilda: Hey everyone, today my brother pushed me, so I'm starting a Kickstarter to put him down. Benefits of killing him would be that I get pushed way less—

Cheren: I get that you're angry, but killing Hilbert is not the solution.

Hilbert: When will Ted himself finally show up to the talk?

Bianca: The final boss

Cheren: Guys, you do realize that TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, and Design, right?

Hilda: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer.

Cheren: I love the word methinks. It’s accurate. Me does think. Thinketh me do.

Hilbert: Methinks therefore me am.

Nate (bragging.): I know every digit of pi.

Nate: I don't know what order.

N: He doesn't know what order.

"Hey besties friendly reminder to drink water, feed your lab Rattata, turn off your evil nuclear generator, change out of your dirty lab coat, go for a walk, and take care of yourself!"

“@evilscientist13”

“@evilscientist13”

“@evilscientist13”

“COLRESS WAKE UP”

“@evilscientist13”

“@evilscientist13”

“@evilscientist13”

“COLRESS THE REACTOR”

(during a game of Uno)

Ingo: Brother, please, no.

Emmet: I’m sorry. I have to.

Ingo: Please, I’m begging you, after all we’ve been through?

Emmet: I’m sorry. [places a draw 4 card] Uno.

N: Any questions before I move on?

Porygon: *garbled electric noises*

N: ... Great. I really understood that well.

Elesa: This is camp.

Ingo: What does camp mean?

Emmet: Like when something is so yass and slay

Emmet: Do you think Joltiks take fall damage?

Ingo: Emmet, what the heck?

*at Drayden’s home in Opelucid City*

The Pokemon streaming service profiles read as follows:

Drayden: “Person who pays for the account”

Iris: “Granddaughter (Free pass)”

Ingo: “Parasite 1”

Emmet: “Parasite 2”

Cheren: How long does someone have to be dead before it's considered archaeology and not grave robbing?

Lenora: As an archaeologist, I find this a VERY AWKWARD QUESTION.

Cheren: Answer the question, grave robber.

Elesa: Carpe diem— seize the day

Skyla: Carpe noctem— seize the night

Emmet: Carpe natem— seize the ass

Ingo: Seriously, if you guys don't stop reblogging this, I am going to carpe someone's neck and break it.

Grimsley: Carpe collum— seize the neck

Cheren: Not all math puns are bad.

Cheren: Just sum of them.

Roxie: There is so much panic right now and not nearly enough disco.

Elesa: Where do bad rainbows go?

Skyla: …

Elesa: Prism. It's a light sentence.

Skyla: *groan*

Hilda: If you don't know the difference between "their," "they're", and "there", your a idiot.

Cheren: Well, this is awkward.

Hilbert: I was born ready!

Hilda: You were born in Nuvema Town.

Hilbert: When I was your age… (tells Hilda something he did a few minutes ago)

Nate: A theif

Cheren: Thief?

Nate: Theif

Cheren: I before e, except after c

Nate: Thceif

Cheren: No

Hilda: (singing) A potato flew around my room before you came—

Hilda, Hilbert, Cheren, and Bianca: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Hilbert: I'm nuts about these nuts. But you know what I'm also nuts about? My close good friends!

Hilbert: *gestures to Hilda, Cheren, Bianca, Nata, Rosa, Hugh, and N* My close good friends!

Ghetsis: Remember one time I liked you?

N: No.

Ghetsis: Good, because IT NEVER HAPPENED! *evil laugh*

Cilan: Would anyone like some stew? Would anyone like some stew? Would anyone like some stew?

[wardencommanderrodimiss]

-cracks knuckles- So, because I decided on a whim to make Scarlett the daughter of Zoe when I started playing Pkmn Scarlet, we've since seen a few potential origin stories for Scarlett:

Zoe found her in the woods and the fact that Scarlett looks nearly identical to her is a coincidence.*

1a. Scarlett was raised by a Kangaskhan until Zoe stumbled across her

2. Paradox Zoe theory

*this one is canon until I firmly, seriously lock in on another idea. Assume "found in the woods" is canon.

NOW, THIRD POTENTIAL ORIGIN STORY JUST DROPPED:

3. Clone Zoe theory

"How? Why?" Let's blame Colress. He's a freak who's more concerned with scientific advancement and acquiring knowledge than with the morality of it - hence why he signs on with Team Plasma despite personally hating Ghetsis' ass - and while the events of Black 2 lead him to the conclusion that the best way to draw out a Pokemon's strength and potential is through love and trust and the bond between Pokemon and trainer... I dunno, I don't trust that the man is fully hinged even after that. I think at some point he ponders the nature of the bond between Unova's legendary dragons and their human heroes and wonders what is it that binds them together. How did the dragons choose a hero. Is it based on some metaphysical concept like a soul. If he clones an identical version of one of the heroes, how would their dragon respond?

"Why Zoe and not N?" Colress hates Ghetsis' ass and while we don't know his opinions on N, and also would be getting into nature-vs-nurture with the whole clone thing, he decides that he'd rather deal with the unknown quantity of Reshiram's hero, than risk dealing with what he very much knows about Zekrom's hero. (Actually, wait, Colress has a line of dialogue where he says there's no way that a human could talk to Pokemon, so like. Does he even know N at all?)

That, or he came up with the clone idea even before he got pondering the bonds between Pokemon and trainer, for some other dubious scientific reason, and he asked Ghetsis if he could use Team Plasma's resources on this and Ghetsis is like "If you must do this, clone the girl, because I will throw you off this airship if you bring a second version of that freak [N] into the world" and Colress was like yeah sure okay.

Anyway years later Colress has a five-year-old clone and he sends off some anonymous messages to Zoe to try and goad her into a meeting and for her to bring Reshiram along because he wants to see how Reshiram will respond. Zoe shows up with Reshiram and also N in tow, and Colress is like "um. hm. hi. okay. anyway." and then he finds out that this entire scientific experiment was pointless because Reshiram doesn't respond in a way that allows him to get any data. Colress finds out N can talk to Pokemon and thinks that's great, because it will allow them to directly consult Reshiram, and so Colress asks Reshiram questions about what is it that connects Reshiram and Zoe, and does Reshiram recognize those same qualities in this clone?

Reshiram (via N): "That one is smaller."

Colress: "Well, yes, in physical size, of course. But internally, what do you sense? What do you feel?"

Reshiram: "That one is smaller." [N's later translation note: smaller here conveys a sense of mind and thought. Smaller in terms of life experience; younger is smaller.]

Colress: "...."

N: "How many years of your life you put into this, for this to be your answer."

Then Zoe, who has been stunlocked this entire time by the concept of a clone of herself, finally starts moving again and goes in to physically fight Colress - skip the prospect of a Pokemon battle, she's going to strangle the guy - and while Colress is trying to not get punched in the face, N picks up Scarlett and says "I'm just going to take this from you now. Goodbye."

Anyway, every increasingly-insane Scarlett origin story I come up with is funny because while Scarlett's background and early life may change, her present and personality do not. The fact that she's relatively normal and well-adjusted is very important to the way that she is both friends and character foils with Arven. The poor guy is jealous of his little buddy for the fact that she has two loving, present parents and then he finds out she was raised by Pokemon/grown in a lab for the first chunk of her life. What the fuck does he even do with that.

[millenianthemums]

Hello, hello!

For that "send in a character name and receive four different headcanons" ask game, is it possible for you to do Rosa/Mei, please? :)

yes!!! sorry it took me so long to get to this!

1. realistic

honestly my interpretation of Rosa is not very similar to canon at all. her name's not even Rosa, it's Mei, because when BW2 was first being announced we didn't know their english names for a while and i liked the name Mei too much to change it in my head. i have tried to reconcile my view of her with canon a bit more recently, though. i think she's very into fashion and dressing in fun, outlandish outfits. she really likes bright colors and fun accessories, she just doesn't have the confidence to pull it off at first in my au. like, she wears bright colored outfits because her mom insists she should express herself, but then can't handle the curious looks she gets from people.

2. unrealistic but hilarious

i like the idea that she’s not the most gifted at practical parts of pokemon training at first, like aiming her poke ball throws or giving quick decisive commands in battle, but her book smarts are off the charts. she knows every pokedex entry by heart, she knows a million obscure facts about the pokemon living in unova, she's got all this stuff memorized, she just has trouble, you know, doing the things trainers spend most of their time doing. at least at first. it's a confidence thing, she gets better as she grows.

3. soul-crushingly awful

i've alluded to this before, but i feel like Mei is a very shy and quiet kid. not by nature, just from a childhood of bullying and rejection. she only really had her mom and her best friend Hugh for companionship growing up. Hugh is a super great friend but not perfect since he's a kid too. she's known him since before she came out as a trans girl and if anyone ever says anything rude about her while he's around he'll kick their ass. he just can't be there all the time, you know? and her mom loves her a lot, and supports her a lot, but just doesn't really GET it. she doesn't get why things are so hard for Mei and thinks if she just encourages (pushes) her enough, she'll finally be the daughter she wants her to be. but i think Mei is autistic, and went undiagnosed as a kid, and has a lot of self esteem issues from not living up to people's expectations no matter how hard she tried. it takes leaving home on her pokemon journey and meeting people and pokemon (besides Hugh) who love her for exactly who she is, before she uncovers the confidence and capability that she always had.

4. Unrealistic but i will disregard canon and believe it anyway

i said in the Colress post that i headcanon that Colress adopts Mei, and i was gonna just use that same headcanon for this, but i wanna change it up a little. i already talk so much about how i think Colress and Mei should be found family, i’ll do something different here. who wants to learn about Legendary Pokemon Lore in my AU? strap in.

i feel like there's something in particular that makes legendary pokemon "legendary", beyond just being the subject of legends. i think the connection between humans and pokemon is kind of a magical thing that makes both the human and the pokemon stronger, hence why humans and pokemon started working together. i had the idea that for legendary pokemon, that connection is much stronger and provides much more power than normal, even resulting in a kind of psychic bond. legendaries can choose one human in particular to bestow this power on, and beyond just being its trainer and being able to command it in battle, this allows the human to wield some of the legendary's power on their own, and gives them the ability to communicate with each other telepathically and call to each other from anywhere. a human granted this power is referred to in legend as the legendary's "patron". often, the legendary even grants them a title.

anyway, the point of me saying all that is that i think Mei is Kyurem's patron. maybe the patron connection is a thing that ripples through time, and Kyurem called out to Mei for help while it was held captive by Team Plasma, leading her to it so she could rescue it. i'm not set on that part, but either way, Mei puts her life on the line to save Kyurem, and in return it chooses her to take on some of its power. the patrons of Reshiram and Zekrom (Touko and N) have the titles "knight of truth" and "prince of ideals". Mei's title is “herald of balance".

[tagfer]

Tiny! Who are your favorite pokemon villians?

Lusamine, particularly SuMo Lusamine. I know I’ve talked at great lengths about how well-written she is. I know I like overanalyzing things but I legitimately love her cause of her writing. She’s probably one of the most complex characters in the series. And unlike some Pokemon villains, she actually has motives and reasons behind her actions. So ... I mean, I’ll spare everyone one of my seven-paragraph soliloquies about her, but basically, I’m a slut for well written villains.

I like N for similar reasons, even though that while technically he’s a villain, he’s basically just a sympathetic friendly antagonist. You could even argue that he’s the deuteragonist of BW. But regardless, he’s a massive sweetheart who grows up in front of us, and honestly, he’s just a pure soul who wants what’s best. I mean, summoning a giant castle around the elite four isn’t always like, the best way to help everyone, but... y’know. If it weren’t for that, we wouldn’t have that cool stage on smash 3DS. (fuck y’all, I like that stage)

I also like Colress, but that’s just cause he’s got this nerdy-ass aesthetic and I love it. Granted, he’s some sort of chaotic neutral/evil dick who literally double-crosses anyone who asks him for help, but at least he looks sciencey while he’s doing it.