#clownracha quarterly prompt

[decaffedthoughts]

That Flower Was You

pairing: Son Dongju (Xion)/Kim Geonhak (Leedo)

word count: 8.2k

Equal fluff and angst, I'd say

summary: After an innocuous conversation with Hyunjin, Dongju begins to question what he likes to wear and what that means for who he is. What follows is a tumultuous period of internal self-discovery and change. At the same time, Dongju continues to deal with his feelings for Geonhak, and there are a lot of those. His roommates and friends are all very aware of all those feelings, much to his dismay.

a/n: Inspired by this fic on ao3 by gardenjins! Also crossposted on ao3. In the texting sections other characters will be bold and Dongju will be regular text. Fulfilling the clownracha quarterly prompt: new year, nugu

Dongju had plenty of friends his age at college. So many of them were so cool that he had to befriend at least some. Currently, his dearest of those was Hwang Hyunjin. Of course, Hyunjin had xyr own set of friends, and boyfriends and partners of all ages. Dongju was proud to say they had regular contact, so he wasn't surprised when he received a random picture with no other message attached.

He opened it, walking back from class one day, and was surprised to see Hyunjin in a pretty little skirt. Xe was clearly standing in a dressing room and was typing while Dongju stared.

do you think i should get it?

why me specifically

gc is 50/50 split, so you’re the chosen one

i totally think you should, it’s really pretty

that’s what i said! good financial choices mean nothing when i can have pretty clothes

And that was where the conversation ended for the day. For Hyunjin, at least. For Dongju, the skirt just never left his head. He had never seriously considered wearing a skirt before. In that photo, Hyunjin looked good, and Dongju wondered if he could pull it off like xem. Probably not exactly, because Hyunjin was somehow one of the prettiest people on campus, but in xyr own way.

So, the next day, he went back to their message thread.

hey hyunjin do you have other skirts too?

ooooooooh yes i do! good morning to me

Dongju breathed out a laugh, watching Hyunjn type, likely taking longer because xe was trying to type and take photos simultaneously. What followed was about an hour of Hyunjin going through their impressive skirts collection, some highlights from other closets, and a nice long tangent on Changbin's dresses. Dongju only sent a word occasionally commenting on a particularly nice item. Hyunjin always responded with "noted", but he didn't mind.

It culminated in Hyunjin finding xyr own only dress, to which xe assured Dongju xyr getting more soon. The picture immediately took Dongju's breath away. Hyunjin was wearing a gorgeous strawberry dress. Dongju was never interested in the dress while it was a tiktok trend, but suddenly, he understood why everyone else was. The original dress was a little expensive at $500, but Hyunjin found a silhouette they liked for a little less. More than Dongju would spend on a single clothing item in college, but that's what would happen when you had 2 rich boyfriends who loved to spoil you.

Dongju couldn’t stop staring that time, but it felt different in a way he couldn't explain. Hyunjin emphasized that clothing was just pieces of fabric and said little to nothing about your gender, but Dongju felt something different when he looked at Hyunjin spinning in a field in a dress. He both could and couldn't imagine himself doing it at the same time. It was an abstract feeling. Like he couldn’t because he hadn’t ever done it before, and it sort of felt like he wasn’t allowed to, for some reason. But he could, and he wanted to, to feel the freedom that Hyunjin embodied in that photo. 

All of that stayed inside for now until he could make a little more sense of it.

"Oh." Dongju breathed.

It felt better than anything he had ever worn, and he couldn't imagine anything else being even better. It felt so right. He spun, and the translucent layer hung long and brushed over his calves softly. Slowly, he looked up at the mirror he knew was there. It's hard because despite the pretty, flowing skirt, everything else about him is still distinctly masculine, or so he thinks. Maybe Hyunjin would say otherwise, but some things weren't meant to be spoken out loud yet. They'd just live in Dongju's head for now.

It was more apparent when it was on him that the gold pieces were meant to be little fireworks. It was pretty. Not a word Dongju thought he would ever be allowed to use to describe himself, but it felt good. He likes being pretty. Inside, his childhood self is clapping and watching with adoration. This could be the beginning of everything that child wanted.

Now, it was different. Because he'd thought that Seoho was pretty and Seoho was a man. He thinks Geonhak is pretty on a daily basis, and Geonhak is probably more secure in his masculinity than anyone else Dongju knew.

"Ju? You all good out there?" Hyunjin's voice came, muffled, through the door.

Dongju mentally curses, he forgot Hyunjin was here, how rude. But it's so easy to just keep staring at himself in the mirror and going over 50 arguments about why this is a good and a terrible decision.

"Yeah! You can come back now." Dongju said.   

Hyunjin flings open the door, only stopping it from slamming back against the stopper with the tips of xyr fingers. Dongju would be impressed with xyr reflexes if he wasn't otherwise occupied. And he certainly is, swaying back and forth and feeling it brush softly against his legs. A little bit ticklish but mostly pleasant.

Hyunjin squeals at both a pitch and volume too loud for what is meant to be happening in the dorm today, which is nothing. Dongju hurriedly shushes xem, and Hyunjin apologizes softly but kept xyr eyes on the skirt.

"It's like it was made just for you, Ju. Look at you." Hyunjin lifted xyr eyes to Dongju's face and practically melted at what xe saw.

Dongju was staring at himself in the mirror again, wholly entranced. "I look like myself. I feel like myself. This is incredible."

Hyunjin didn't have any words to answer with, xe just smiled at Dongju through the mirror, glad xe could bring this piece of joy to xyr friend.

"I'm gonna bring you so many pretty skirts. I don't think any of Changbin-hyung's dresses would fit you, though, sorry. His shoulders are stupid wide."

Dongju sighed, but he didn't expect much from that. And the idea of being small, smaller than Changbin is kind of nice. His group of friends was great for that because all but one were either the same height or taller than him. And what Hwanwoong lacked in height, he more than made up for in energy and feistiness.

They did this over and over again. Dongju suspects that not all skirts were recycled hand-me-downs but new gifts, but he didn’t say anything. It's not like he had a receipt or anything to prove it. Just a feeling. Either way, it's nice to be spoiled by someone else without asking. The last time he felt like that was when his parents would bring home the toys he wanted without asking. Or would the times that the others show up with food count? Either way, he felt spoiled in a way that he rarely did.

It happened so often that the others were not necessarily suspicious, just a bit confused. Hyunjin came in with a bag, stayed for an hour, and then left with nothing. No one knew what was in the bag or where they went because Dongju made them disappear.

Internally, he was becoming more confused by the day but said nothing to anyone. He'd noticed being out in public is a little more uncomfortable, and he didn't like people looking at him. Sure, he didn't really before, but it wasn't so visceral and uncomfortable then. There wasn't an apparent reason why in his head, so he just kept moving along and trying to avoid being around many people in public.

The other strange thing is the slight wrongness under his skin when someone calls him a man. At first, he just attributes it to not feeling like a proper adult despite being almost done with college. It lasts a few weeks until he googles it to see if anyone else felt like this and how they deal with it.

The results he got were... different. Reddit post after Reddit post, ranging from one reply to almost a hundred.

I don't feel like a man, but nothing else seems right. What do I do?

I feel uncomfortable when people call me a man or a boy, it feels wrong. Anyone else feel this way?

I have long hair, and someone behind me assumed I was a woman. Why did I like it so much?

Dongju had thought about growing his hair long once, and Hyunjin regularly oscillated between shoulder length and short hair. What if someone mistook him for a woman in public because of his hair? It didn't feel *wrong* per se, but that was probably just because it was a theoretical experience, and he wasn't actually experiencing it. If he was called a woman, he'd definitely be weirded out. Definitely.

The googling continued, and Dongju found other pieces he related to in some people's stories, so he kept looking. However, the more he looked, the more similar the results became.

Trans, egg, trans woman, trans femme, agender, non-binary

He'd heard some of the terms from Hyunjin, who also gracefully explained what they meant personally, but Dongju would never have connected them to his own experience. And he continued to be determined not to.

There was no moment in his childhood where he wanted to try on a dress or makeup or anything like that. Nobody teased him for being different like that. Mainly, they focused on him being nerdy or quiet or something. He never found himself wishing his body was different or that his puberty was wrong.

But... sitting in his room in the dark, Dongju let himself wonder for a little bit. What happened at 2am didn't count, so he ignored it until morning.

What would it be like if his voice hadn't dropped in middle school and stayed slightly higher? Or what if his body was smaller and rounder, rather than the muscle his roommates had encouraged him to build?

Dongju clicked his phone off and slapped it down, throwing both hands over his face as if to avoid looking at his thoughts. Surely, there was no way that he liked some of these thoughts? There was no way he would want a different body or a lighter voice or to be accepted in longer hair and skirts. No, this was just slight sleep deprivation and a sign he should stop staying up so late googling this nonsense. He silently resolved to get a better sleep schedule over the next few weeks, which would solve everything.

Getting more sleep was pretty good for him, but it didn't solve anything in thinking about what he'd be like as a woman. If anything, it was worse because it also started being in his dreams. Some were more like his current self and experimenting, but some looked completely different.

Dongju would wake up and lay in bed, turning the dreams over in his mind until he woke up more and realized what was happening, shaking it away and ignoring it for the rest of the day.

Eventually, it wears him down a little, seeing the same dreams and thinking about the repetitive results he got when googling such personal experiences. There were some queer clubs/groups on campus, so he went out to one of them.

Thankfully, Dongju hadn't met any of the people before, so they just nod and accept him. They don't ask him any questions, and he didn't say much in return and instead just listens. It didn't provide any answers but is a friendly little community.

He went for a few weeks, becoming somewhat of a new regular. It came to the point where they start asking him questions.

Name? Easy. Pronouns? Dongju hadn't properly admitted it to himself yet, but exclusively he/him didn't feel quite correct anymore, and he didn't know what to replace it with either.

"Um... not sure yet. That's why I started coming here. He/they, I guess?" That was the best answer he could get out.

The person, Moonbyul, just nodded and didn't question it. She seemed really chill. He kept going, talking to more and more people and becoming less and less sure of everything. At some point, Moonbyul and another girl named Yoohyeon. He was a little scared at first, and it must have shown on his face because both laughed and assured him they were committed lesbians.

One night, he texts Moonbyul impulsively before he could convince himself not to.

Hey

Hello there

Can you try something out for me? She/her pronouns. Not in person, just like. A short text

interesting. sure Dongju is a new friend of mine. I think she's kinda cool

Dongju stared at the text for a while without responding, internally repeating it again and again. I think she's kinda cool. She is. She.

You alive over there?

Oh, um yeah Just.... yeah

It felt good?

Hah, I guess so

Well, welcome to the club I guess

Lol the club of what? Womaning? Am I a woman? Oh god

Hah, I'll let you figure that out I can't answer it for you Want me to tell anyone, or are you doing it yourself?

No, I'll do it myself. Just... give me some time He/they for a while, if you don't mind

Yeah, whatever you need Just lemme know when it's gonna be okay

Dongju sends a simple heart before closing her phone and then her eyes. Now what? Seriously, how do people deal with this and then move on? Who should she tell first? What should she tell them? How long should she wait? Now she knew, and there was only so long she'd be able to handle the wrong pronouns now that she knew the right ones and what they feel like.

She picked her phone back up and looked at the time. Damn, no time for a crisis right now, she had an assignment due that night that she'd done hardly any of.

After submitting the assignment Dongju was so exhausted from several hours of adrenaline-fueled work that she was exhausted and went right to bed. It took her a while to fall asleep, but she had no space to think of much.

The next day, she had nothing else pressing, so she spent almost an hour wondering what to do. After she eats breakfast she just sits at the table and stared into space. Her other roommates seem to be out or asleep, so none of them were there to ask what the fuck is going on and she could zone in and out in peace. The clock on her phone ticked over to 11am, and she decided to get out of there before her luck ran out and she had to explain or find some excuse.

When she returns to her room, Dongju is struck with sudden inspiration. Hyunjin! Xe'll obviously be okay with it and might even have some advice on what to do now. It's not a 1-1 exact experience, but it's something, and god knew she needed anything right now.

Hyunjin answered fast, and she was there a 30-minute bus ride later. One I'm here text and a knock later, and Hyunjin is practically bouncing as xe lets them in. Most of their boyfriend roommates were also home, so it was much louder, and Dongju stared wide-eyed. She'd been here before, but usually, it was much emptier and quieter. It made it less likely that someone would hear them talking over all the noise, which was nice.

Minho, Chan, and Seungmin all nod at her, and Jisung and Felix take a break from intense Mario Karting to wave. It was nice because she'd hardly talked to any of them, but they accept her like it's nothing just because she knew Hyunjin so well.

Hyunjin closed the door behind them and plops down on xyr bed, looking at Dongju.

"So, what's up? You never ask me to come over, and it seems serious."

Dongju starts fidgeting with her clothes awkwardly. How the fuck should she do this? Ugh.

"Um... well. Okay, I'm not sure sure yet, but I think I might be uh. Fuck, I hate this. Why is it so hard."

Hyunjin snorts before slapping a hand over xyr mouth to stop anything else. Xe stands up and forcefully pulls Dongju over to sit next to them.

"Unless you say you're like... getting married or something, I'm not gonna judge you. You see the fucking circus of people I live with. You're so normal in comparison to all of that."

It's genuinely a little reassuring to be "normal" for a minute. Dongju had been so caught up in feeling alone and not knowing who to go to that she forgot she was not completely alone. Personally, or just in other people who have these feelings.

"Thank you. I'm... I think I'm trans." She lets it hang in silence for a moment. "But you know, I'm not totally sure! I just had someone call me she over text, and it felt really nice. Yeah."

Dongju waits, staring down at her hands in her lap and waiting for Hyunjin's response.

"Okay, I was waiting to make sure you weren't gonna blurt out anything else. This is so exciting, though, oh my goodness! Am I the first person you told? Other than the friend you texted, who I definitely need to know more about." Dongju nodded slightly, and Hyunjin clapped in excitement. "Ah, I'm so honoured!"

Hyunjin launches xemself forward into a forceful hug on Dongju, who freezes for a minute but melts into it. She wasn't the biggest fan of hugs and whatnot, but she felt like she needed it now. They pull back, and Hyunjin is seriously beaming. It made Dongju a little less nervous, that this wasn't a bad thing and that maybe she'd make new friends or get closer to other friends.

"I get to be your little trans fairy godmother, this is wonderful. So, do you wanna tell me more about all of this? How did it happen, what are you doing now, any of that?"

Dongju laughed nervously, biting the inside of her cheek. "I'm not sure there is much to tell. It was months ago I started looking online cause I didn't feel like a man and thought it was just because I didn't feel like an adult yet. Then I started going to one of those college queer club things. That's where I met Moonbyul, the friend I texted, and she's super chill and open. I just randomly texted her and was like, hey, can you do something for me, use she/her pronouns in a message about me. She did and I don't even know how long I sat there looking at it, and it felt good, so I thought I was actually going insane. Like, no way. Yeah, that was, like, a week ago. And now I'm here."

Hyunjin looked at her with this strange little look on her face, like xe was proud and upset at the same time.

"Oh, my goodness. Little trans egg Dongju, not knowing what's happening. So you said not a man, but do you know what you might be more comfortable with now? Like, are you a girl, a woman, or not quite all the way that way? I just don't wanna say trans girl or trans woman or call you girlie if you're not, you know. And you don't have to have an answer yet! It's only been a week, so we can just keep testing what you like."

Dongju sits momentarily and thinks about it because she hadn't allowed herself to do so thus far. Is she a girl or a woman, or is she closer to some of those other terms she had seen?

She didn't know yet was the honest conclusion she came to, and she tells Hyunjin as much.

"Yeah, that's so fair! You've only known for like a week. So just tell me if I say something weird, or if I say something good!"

Hyunjin's the best person Dongju could've asked for on this journey. Xyr knowledgeable but also accepting and often upbeat. Of course, xe had xyr own serious and sensitive moments, but in general, xyr is just kind of chilling.

She spends another few hours there, just hanging out with one of her good friends, and it's lovely. Maybe she should get out more often, like Seoho said. God forbid she tell Seoho he was right about something, though, never.

As Dongju heads home, she considers when and how to tell her roommates about this. They're roommates and some of her closest friends, so there's no world where she didn't tell them. For now, everything was going perfectly fine. Her marks were good enough to pass, she'd got good friends, and she'd been learning more about herself. What more could someone ask for? Well, probably a whole lot more money, but that's beside the point.

But something had to break eventually, and in Dongju's opinion, it happened in the worst way.

It was another day, another Hyunjin visit.

In the house, they weren't in the habit of busting into other people's spaces, and to be fair, Geonhak did knock first. Unfortunately, the two seconds of warning provided was not enough for Dongju to make any meaningful attempt to hide. Geonhak must be way more flustered than Dongju could have guessed because it took a solid few seconds before he noticed.

His face got all red, and he couldn't stop staring. Dongju would like nothing more than to somehow evaporate. Or turn invisible, or teleport, or literally anything to make Geonhak stop staring like that. It made her feel itchy, and wrong. Even though she knew she wasn’t doing anything wrong, it's a piece of fabric.

"Are you gonna say anything? I feel uncomfortable and I'm not even involved." Hyunjin speaks, breaking the tenuous silence.

Dongju couldn't tell if she should thank xem or smack xem. Geonhak flinches like he was hit and starts about 6 different sentences before he commits to one.

"You look good, Dongju. Seriously. But, uh, if my laptop isn't in here, I should go. Have fun."

Geonhak waved awkwardly and then closed the door behind him. Dongju breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Could he have been lying? Sure, maybe. He wouldn't do that, he wouldn't say something like that just to spare someone's feelings, and certainly not Dongju's. They'd known each other for too long to pretend like that.

She'd take what she could get because it was nice. Hearing it from Geonhak directly gave her a little confidence boost. Maybe she'd show him more pretty things in the future, if the mere thought of doing so didn't make her want to explode.

"That was good! I've been telling you they won't care. First guy down, and he was the one you cared most about!"

Now it's Dongju's turn to flinch, because she certainly had not told Hyunjin about her crush on Geonhak. She would remember that.

"Who said he was the most important one? Who are your sources?" Dongju raises one eyebrow, trying her best to look suspicious and not nervous.

It did nothing for her, so the effort was really just wasted.

"Oh come on. Whenever I brought up telling somebody you'd always mention him first. Every single time. I'm not that stupid."  

Dongju had no counter to that, unfortunately. She simply sighed, then nodded and watched as Hyunjin grinned in triumph.

After the Geonhak skirt fiasco, Dongju decided to move along a little more because clearly, things would come to light whether she wanted them to or not. And Dongju did not like being out of control like that, not about her own identity. So she planned, and she wondered, and she panicked, and she cried a little. Ultimately, she knew she couldn't control her friend's thoughts and reactions and would just have to trust that they would accept her.  

"Hey, uh, guys?" Dongju peeked around the door, and all their heads snapped over to her at her voice.

It's clear they're all anxiously waiting, because she gave them almost no information on what was happening. Just that she had an announcement. Geonhak looked a little more relaxed, he must assume he already knew what this is about. If it were any other situation Dongju might have laughed, but she was too stressed about this to even try. He was about to get the shock of a lifetime.

"Okay, first of all, this." She hesitated a moment before stepping out from behind the door.

Hwanwoong is the first one to say anything, "cute!"

Agreements from everyone else ring out after. Geonhak leaned back onto the couch a little bit with a smug smile.

"I already told you I think you look good in this one." He said.

It's true, and precisely why she chose this skirt specifically. Geonhak wouldn't steer her wrong, which gave her peace knowing he would be behind her for this part. The rest of them explode, demanding to know why he got to see before the rest of them. Dongju rolls her eyes, these guys never change.

"It was an accident! Stop all your complaining, my ears hurt." She shuts them up fast, but they still don't look happy. Hwanwoong in particular side-eyes Geonhak and if she didn't want to avoid another argument Dongju might have laughed.

"But you said first of all right? So I feel like there's something else still." Seoho said, turning back to her.

Ah, trust Seoho to pick up on and remember that. Oldest of the friend group, always paying too much attention.

"Yeah." Dongju sighed.

She went over her mental script and the answers for the immediate questions she had a feeling they'd have.

"This is really hard, so I'll tell you when I'm done. Just… wait." She pauses, trying to force the words out of her mouth. "I'm trans. I'm a girl. And if that changes anything between us I'm sorry, but I can't live like this anymore. Hearing 'he' is grating, and being called a man makes me want to claw my skin off. I'm sure you have questions, ask away. Unless you just wanna kick me out right now. Yeah, I guess that's all.."

A few seconds of silence pass as they all process everything she'd said. Geonhak got there first, his face twisting in displeasure.

"We're not kicking you out. If anyone wants you to leave just because of this, I'm telling them to leave, not you."

A few tears well up, but Dongju starts blinking them away, determined not to cry about this in front of them. They all agreed quickly after that, and Dongju couldn't be more relieved.

"It might be hard at first, and I'm sorry for when I say something wrong. But you're still you, and I still love you." Seoho said.

Damn you, Seoho. That did it. Dongju crouched and hunched in on herself, suddenly sobbing almost violently. An explosion of emotion that no one was prepared for. All 4 men close in quickly to try and comfort her, murmuring comforting words. What Dongju is even less ready for is Geonhak petting her hair. It felt so good that she leaned towards him a little, only realizing when her side hits his knee, and she jerks back.

He didn't push it, which Dongju was very thankful for. She could only handle so many emotions at once, and flustered embarrassment would not be one of them. It took a while, and at some point, they all have to sit down to avoid their legs and feet going numb. Eventually, Dongju's tears slow, and she begins to breathe correctly again.

Someone's warmth disappears from behind her, and half a minute later, Keonhee crouches in front of her, a large glass of water in hand. She took it gratefully and downed it, not realizing just how dehydrated all that crying made her.

She did feel a little more clear-headed now. No one was upset, they all rushed to comfort her, and everything was still okay. Nothing is perfect, but things should get a little easier now.

What did not get any easier is having feelings for Geonhak, but at this point, Dongju expects that. She wasn’t even sure if her gender complicates things because she'd never heard of him with someone else, and he didn't talk about it either, at least not with her. And she'd rather fling herself into space than ask him, so she did some information-gathering first. In the process, she learns some harsh truths.

"Oh, are you thinking of finally confessing to him?" Hwanwoong asked.

Alarming statements all around, considering she had not spoken a word of her feelings to him. Lying to Hwanwoong was useless, especially since she was sure her shock was written all over her face already.

"Who told you? I bet it was Hyunjin. I never should have trusted that snake." Dongju bit her lip and contemplates the best method of revenge for this betrayal.

"What? No. I figured it out because when he's not looking, you look at him like he's the best thing since iced americanos. It would be sweet if it weren't so awful."

What if she murders this guy one day because spewing such absolute nonsense should be a crime. Surely, she looked at Geonhak in a completely normal way.

"Like he personally puts the moon up every night. I think it's sweet, but you didn't seem ready to talk about it, so I didn't say anything." Seoho said, staring at her and shrugging.

"This may be the worst day of my life," Dongju declares, and Seoho sputters. "My roommates know I have feelings for this guy, but I didn't tell any of them. What am I doing wrong?"

"Are you always this dramatic? Or does Geonhak just inspire that in you?"

Dongju ignores him in favour of pondering how her life led to this point. If she was so obvious about it, did Geonhak know too? He wasn’t the most observant guy, but it wasn’t like he was completely oblivious. Now, she had to deal with a new layer of nervousness around him, as if she wasn't doing badly enough already.

Despite that, she manages to be reasonable and normal around him, or she assumes. It all crumbles when they're out one day. They're all just walking around together, being menaces and taking up the whole sidewalk. Suddenly, Seoho flinches and sidesteps into Dongju, who yelps and glares. Seoho defends himself very quickly by pointing to the kid attached to his leg, who looked to be on the verge of tears. Geonhak moved so fast, and Dongju took a half-step back in shock.

"Hey, little buddy. My name is Geonhak, what's yours?"

The kid hesitates, clearly heeding stranger danger warnings but too far from any parental figure to say no.

"Hajun."

"Nice to meet you, Hajun! These are my friends. Can we help you find your parents? I bet they're very worried. Where did you see them last?"

"Back there. But they were going that way. I just wanted to look at the cool toys." His eyes start welling up again, but Geonhak is faster.

"Very good! You wanna go up on my shoulders? Then you can tell us about them, and we can all look together."

That dried the tears quickly, and Hajun nodded so fast that Dongju worried for his neck. Geonhak crouched down, and Seoho leaned down to assist Hajun's little legs up. Hajun squeals when Geonhak stands, and he flew up. For a moment, Dongju relived the weightless feeling she remembers as a child. She snapped out of it when they started walking, and Hajun began to talk.

"My mommy is kind of short, and she says one day I'll be taller than her. I'm so excited. But I won't be taller than my dad 'cause he's tall like you, Geonhak-ssi!"

Incredibly cute but not helpful. Many women were short, and plenty of men were tall, like Geonhak. Dongju was hoping that Hajun's parents recognized him and come over because she wasn’t sure that he would be helpful in their search.

"I bet you'll grow tall like your dad, Hajun. What are your parents wearing? Some cool outfit just like you?" Geonhak asked, and thank goodness for him. Dongju didn't know where they'd be otherwise right now.

Of course, Hajun only locks on to the most important part of that message. "You think my outfit is cool? Thanks Geonhak-ssi! I think your outfit is cool, too."

Dongju had to admit the kid had taste. Geonhak had a monochrome outfit on, and Dongju had been staring. A black and white jacket, a white shirt with some indeterminate design, and lethal black skinny jeans. She had tripped several times today because she was staring at his ass. In her defense, it's a nice ass!

"Thanks, buddy. What cool outfits are your parents wearing?" Dongju mentally congratulates Hwanwoong on the seamless transition.

"They're not wearing cool outfits! Not like you, mister." Hwanwoong visibly preened at the compliment, and in Dongju's opinion, it was horrifying. "My dad is wearing his weirdo One Piece shirt, and my mom is wearing her nerdy Sailor Moon shirt. They always argue about which one is better. I think it's dumb cause Naruto is better. Obviously."

"Obviously." Keonhee laughed, and Dongju found herself laughing along, too, amused by this child's certainty about his opinions.

They walk, and they keep walking. Dongju was starting to get worried that Hajun's parents were behind them somewhere or crossed the street to look and that they weren't going to find them. But she didn't say anything, so they just kept going.

"Hajun!" They hear, and they all whip around to find the source.

Two people frantically pushed through the crowd towards them and shouted for Hajun. Hajun himself starts wiggling, and it took quick moves from Keonhee to avoid either Hajun or Geonhak getting injured. Hajun and his parents meet in the middle in a heartwarming moment. His mother looked near crying, clearly frantic about losing her son for several minutes. His father hardly looked any better, but Dongju could see the panic melting away into relief. After a minute or three, they stand and look at the group.

"Thank you so much for helping him. We were so afraid when we looked down, and he wasn't there anymore. I should have been paying more attention." Hajun's mother said.

"No, no, it was my pleasure. He's a very well-behaved kid, you're doing well with him." Geonhak said sheepishly.

"You're very kind, thank you. Okay. Hajun, buddy. What do you say to the kind people?" Hajun's father bent down and asked.

Hajun gasped, bowing to them all. "Thank you, Geonhak-ssi and friends! I had fun."

Hajun stands and beams at them all, and they all look back at him, smiling just as sweetly. Of course, Dongju is drawn to look at Geonhak's smile. He seemed to be smiling the widest of them all, and Dongju would bet 10 bucks that he was already attached to Hajun.

It was devastating, and Dongju is barely holding herself together. She was able to keep it together while searching because that was much more pressing, but now Hajun is safe, and she had nothing else to focus on. The family walks away, talking happily amongst themselves and moving on with their day.

Thankfully no one is paying attention to her, and she had a few moments to pull herself together while they all discussed Hajun's cuteness on a scale from 1-10. Or, she thought no one was looking at her, but she heard her name in the middle of one of her deep breaths. It's a tone so familiar that her eyes snap open and immediately slide over to him. True to form, Geonhak is looking at her, practically staring her down and analyzing her from head to toe. She knew the man better than almost anyone else and still found it intimidating.

"You okay, Ju? You seemed upset." Geonhak asked.

"Of course! Just a little tired and stressed from being surrounded by all these people, you know how it is." Dongju throws on her best little smile and prays it's good enough for him to believe.

It seemed to be, as Geonhak watched her for a few seconds longer, then nodded his head, seemingly seeing what he needed.

"Okay. Let me know if you need a break. We can go to the side, or I can take you home."

Dongju could kiss him on the damn mouth right now, but that would defeat the whole point of her holding her feelings in. Instead, she just nodded, and they kept moving on with their original plans for the day out. They still circle back to Hajun occasionally, talking about how cute he was or how it was good he found them and not some creepy people, but mostly how cute he was. It's mostly Geonhak leading that part of the conversation, and Dongju had to actively and viciously squash down the thought of Geonhak with his own children and what they would look like.

They enter some random store, and a few minutes in, Seoho pulls her over to the side and starts whispering before Dongju could even process what was happening.

"You looked like you were in pain while Geonhak talked about that kid. Are you okay?"

Dongju externally just sighed, but inside, she was crying and about to lose it. Was she really that obvious? Oh, god. Hopefully, Geonhak was too distracted thinking about Hajun and didn't notice. But he was so observant, so he probably did, and thought she was a total weirdo. It was over.

"Dong. Ju. Shut that head up and answer me." Seoho hisses.

"Fine, I'm fine. Typical crisis about how cute he is with kids, no biggie. I just have to pray he didn't notice me being weird." Dongju shook her head.

Seoho waved it off. "Not much weirder than you normally are, it'll be fine."

Dongju is about to ask exactly what the hell that is supposed to mean, but Geonhak decided it is the perfect time for him to appear.

"Why are you two hiding in the corner? You could've told us if you wanna leave." Geonhak tilted his head, and Dongju had to take a deep breath before she said something stupid. It was really a problem.

"Nothing, nothing. Our little Ju is just having some boy problems." Seoho grins wickedly and casually strolls off, leaving Dongju silently plotting how to murder him quietly but painfully.

When she looked over, Geonhak looked... strange. When he saw her looking, he smiled and put on his older brother face.

"Boy problems, huh? You know you can come to me for those. We gotta make sure he's good enough for you." Geonhak said seriously, and it took everything in Dongju's muscles not to react in any of the immediate ways she wanted to.

"Ah.... seriously. You'd like him. He's protective, kind, smart, and funny. Too good to be liking someone like me." Dongju sighed, staring at her feet.

Geonhak made some strange set of offended noises. When Dongju looked up, she saw his accompanying twisted face and knew what was about to come.

"He'd be an absolute fool not to like you! If he's that dumb, then you're too good for him." Geonhak said.

Once again, Dongju had to tamp down the ironic laugh that wanted to jump out. She wishes she could tell him not to be so mean to himself, but she categorically refuses to confess publicly. If she had to do it, it would not be in some tacky clothing store in the middle of the day.

"Thanks. Anyways, not like I'm going to do anything about it. So, if he likes me back then we'll never know."

Geonhak wanted to protest, she could see it in his face, but Keonhee popped up from behind a rack and told him to come look at something. How neither of them saw that man the size of a tree walking over was entirely unknown, but Geonhak smiled awkwardly and shrugged. Dongju laughed a little at him and waved him off.

It hurts to be so close yet so far. Was Geonhak's praise a platonic or, romantic or other type of praise? At least it was genuine, which always felt good, but it made her heart go wild in a way that she shouldn't know if she should be accepting or not. He didn't seem overly bothered by her so-called "boy problems," which told her nothing.

Dongju had always and would always go to her mother for help if she needed something. That bond hadn't broken through time and change, and she loves her mother through all of it.

The first piece of advice is entirely expected.

"Give him food, honey! Everyone loves food, and not having to make it is nice. You've always said that man of yours is like a vacuum for food, and you know he'll appreciate the effort."

Dongju felt herself light up like a fire truck at "that man of yours" and immediately starts whining. It's a good thing she remembered to put her headphones in before this because if anyone else is home, they do not need to hear this. They'd teased her about this enough as is. Her mother laughed and ignored all of Dongju's very valid complaints.

"I've seen that man, and I know you'll get him. Though, you should do it quickly, just in case. Someone else might come along, and he might choose them if he doesn't know you're an option." Her mother said wisely.

Dongju just sighed because she knew, but hearing it from someone else was scary. Sitting back and watching Geonhak fall in love with someone else would tear her apart. If she tried, she'd know it wasn't meant to be and could try to move on.

"Ah, yeah. I know."

"If you know, then why haven't you done it yet, my girl! Make him your man properly."

Dongju's heart warmed hearing "my girl" come so naturally from her mother's mouth. It had taken a bit of accidental slip-ups, but her mother was so proactive that it was over quickly.

"I should do it soon, right? Kick everyone out and then surprise him after the gym or something. Yeah."

"Yes! It'll be perfect, he'll be so hungry, and then you can get out of your own head and talk to him when he's done."

Dongju's jaw nearly cracks at how quickly it drops open in sheer offense at her mother calling her out. She might be correct, but damn, she didn't need to say it like that! Her mother just cackles through the phone and waves goodbye, hanging up before she could get upset. Dongju lets out a short yell and then groans loudly, flopping back into her pillow pile.

After a short moment, a knock came at her door and opened after she called out some strange, probably affirmative, noise. Of course, Geonhak peeked around the corner, smirking in amusement when he saw her body flopped haphazardly all over the blankets and pillows.

"Everything okay in here? Nothing seems broken." He cautiously looked around, searching for anything broken or injured.

"No, I'm okay. Sorry. My mom was teasing me when I called her, and then she hung up before I could get her back."

Geonhak laughed, and Dongju pouted at him until he noticed.

"I love your mom, seriously. Is she gonna come down again soon? It's been a while."

"Why do you like my mother so much! She's gonna adopt you as her own damn son at this rate."

Geonhaks clicked his tongue and shook his head at her. Dongju felt slightly offended by it but let him speak before she ripped his head off. He should have felt lucky that he was so pretty (and kind and funny and-) because Hwanwoong would absolutely not be given that grace.

"You gotta make good impressions on everyone's moms for 2 reasons: they would believe you about anything and give you banging free food." Geonhak nodded slowly, like he'd just told Dongju the secrets of the universe.

He wasn’t wrong, but it was a little lackluster. For now, he lived.

Dongju had planned everything out, and it would convince Geonhak that she was very dateable. Until that confession happened, Dongju's roommates would still have to deal with her rants regularly. She loved them, even if she'd never say it.

Today's victim was Seoho.

"Seriously, dude. Seeing him with that kid permanently rewired my brain, I swear to god." She groans.

Seoho looked at her for a moment. "I don't know how that's possible, given how down bad you were before."

Dongju sits up, mouth hanging open and glaring at Seoho. She flops back into his pillows when he simply raises an eyebrow, silently screaming and kicking her feet.

"1. Rude. 2. It is possible. My brain is losing it 24/7. Do you understand how hard it was not to say something like 'hi, Geonhak! After seeing you with that child, I can't stop thinking about having an apartment with you and seeing you wake up in the morning and you coming home to me after working your day as a teacher!' He'd have me committed to a fucking psych ward. I'd probably deserve it at this rate 'cause what is this."

Seoho opened his mouth to say something, but someone hesitantly knocked at his door before he could. Dongju immediately freezes and looked about halfway to passing out then and there. Seoho stands but waits a minute to ensure she won't be doing that before swinging the door open.

She couldn't see Seoho's expression from there, and there was no time to say anything before he went past the person in the doorway. And who else walks in but Geonhak himself. She couldn’t do this right now, absolutely not. Apparently, she was rooted to her spot by some freeze instinct and possibly some masochistic will to see what he'd say. Assuming he heard what she had said before and didn't just happen to come in.

"So. You wanna live in a cute apartment with me and see my horrible morning bedhead?" Geonhak asked sheepishly, playing with his fingers and not looking at her.

Internally, she wondered how he was acting like the nervous one right now.

"I mean. Right now I'd much prefer going to drown in the nearest body of water, actually." Dongju stared at the ceiling, wondering how her life had come to this point.

"Um, I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that. Taking a soaking, drowned body on a date seems like a pretty bad time for everybody."

She had to sit and blink for a good 30 seconds or so just trying to process what that man just said. Surely, he didn't say date. Surely, he just said... something that sounds like date and had a similar meaning but wasn't. She had to sit up and look at him when he said nothing else. He was still fidgeting with his fingers and not looking at her.

"Did you just say date? Like a romantic type of date?"

"Yes. And if you're not going to drown yourself, then I'd like to take your very alive self on one instead. If you want to anyways, we obviously don't ha-"

His nervous rambling gave Dongju the strength and rage to push herself off the bed and stalk over to him.

"How did you hear me telling Seoho that I want you to come home to me and still wonder if I want to go on a date with you?"

Geonhak stayed silent and just took one, then two, slow steps toward her, stopping just far enough away that she could feel his presence.

"Can I kiss you?" He whispered.

She nodded before thinking and stared at him, waiting and not daring to move. He raises his hand and lays it lightly on her cheek before leaning in. Dongju's eyes flutter closed and she stayed in the dark for a moment for him. When their lips touched, he put his other hand on her waist, and all she wanted to feel was more. She couldn't tell him that, but she tried to push a little into his hand anyway.

Their first kiss is short, and sweet, and she pulls back less than a centimeter before going back for more. Her arms feel awkward by her side, so she put them on his broad shoulders. Finally, she got to feel the results of all his workouts instead of just staring longingly. And, presumably, she'd be able to do that a lot more now, too. Delightful.

It still wasn’t enough for her, and Dongju looped her arms around his neck and pushed herself closer, pressing their chests together. Geonhak made a surprised little noise, but it only seemed to inspire him to grab her waist firmer with both hands. Exactly the way she wanted. The half-second pull away to breathe quickly stopped being enough, and Dongju leaned back then laid her forehead on his shoulder.

"Fuck." She breathed, and then giggled a little at her own breathlessness.

Geonhak laughed with her, holding her close. It's perfect. Everything is warm and comfortable, just as Geonhak always had been for her.

[coupsie-daisies]

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