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jodilin65 · 20 years ago

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WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2004 Got a letter from Mary yesterday, and you know, I gotta wonder why I bother wasting my time trying to get her to stop asking for favors for friends if she’s just going to ignore me. She sent a couple of pictures of José that Maria asked for copies of, and as I had to remind her, it really bothers me when people she knows I don’t know ask for favors. What do they think I am, their slave? Anyway, I scanned the pictures and sent the originals back letting her know I’d send one copy, but not until I get new ink.

Other than that, she’s tired of the family drama but is excited about the idea of living with Maria when she gets out. I don’t think she should jump the gun on what’s going to be once she’s out. It’s too soon to know this for sure. She’s too positive, too optimistic. I understand, though, that at her age we all tend to be that way. She’s still at an age when we think everything will work out, and that if we just try hard enough, we’ll get whatever we want in life.

She’s still in the middle of reading my last story and says she wants to be Lucille in the book I’m working on now.

I won two small lots yesterday, each containing 10 Barbies and 2 Kens, plus clothes. One’s coming from somewhere in Minnesota and the other’s coming from Orlando. These are the last of the Maricopa goodies. No more till we’re moved and settled. They’re both coming by parcel post, so I don’t expect to have them for a week.

I also received the Texas lot, and it’s a damn good thing Barbies aren’t breakable because they crushed the shit out of the box. Part of it isn’t just to blame on the stupidity and carelessness of the PO, but also the box they used to pack it in. The idiots used a flimsy box with a lid they thought they could tape down.

I’m keeping 10 of the 16 Barbies, but there are a few I still may put toward the lot. I’ve got 6 going to the lot for sure as well as the 4 Kelly dolls and 1 Katie doll it came with. I’m also putting most of the clothes towards the lot because they’re a bit too worn for my tastes. A couple of the dolls have bite marks on them and one has a splotch on its cheek that looks like it’s from a red marker. Another reason I’m glad I never had kids is that they’re such destructive little things!

A few of the Barbies can do some neat tricks. One’s arms flap up and down by a lever you slide in back. One has a button in back that makes sounds when you push it. The sound sort of reminds me of a slot machine in a casino. One has strings that when pulled, pull the hair up into a rather odd hairdo. Another has a rotating scalp with two different hair colors – dark brown and bright pink. I put it in braids and it looks really cool with the intertwining colors. This one has a flexible belly and is from the Jam & Glam series. She wears a striped halter and silver metallic pants.

Later…

I don’t believe this shit! I still haven’t gotten the grape oil. What, do they want to lose me as a customer? God, I wish we could manufacture our own stuff! I am so tired of having to depend on a world full of idiots. It’ll be a real pisser if I have to find someone else to deal with, because not only do they lose, but I lose too, because no other place has such a huge variety of fragrances.

They’re stringing phone wires at the farthest new house which means someone’s moved in. The good in it is that at least I know it’s not going to be that hard to sell this house, but the bad is that I know that in just a matter of time, they’re going to get dogs, throw them outside, and I’m the one who’s going to have to deal with it till we move. I wish I knew when that was to be, too. I hope that sometime next week we’ll finally have an idea. The bank hasn’t responded to our letter, but it doesn’t matter if they do or not. We made up our minds to proceed without them. It’s our house and we’re the ones who should sell it. All the letter was for was to document his reminding them of this fact. I know I’m going to miss this house till we get our next one built, but still, I just want to get the show on the road and move on! It seems most of my life has been spent waiting for this or for that. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but instead it gets old. Way old.

What amazes me is that a house was never put in directly in front of us since we’ve been here. That’d make the renters and next door seem worlds away and like we had almost total privacy from them.

MONDAY, MARCH 29, 2004 I was right – there’s no way I’m going to win the lot. Primetime last night bumped it up to a ridiculous $118! I say it’s ridiculous because their impatience is going to cause the winner to rip themselves off. In other words, if they’d just waited till it got closer to the end and didn’t go bidding so much so soon, the winner would be getting it for a lot less than they’re going to come 9 hours from now. The seller, though, is no doubt thrilled with their greedy competitiveness.

There are a couple of small lots I may bid on. One’s ending in about 7 hours.

We decided that if we don’t have 20 feedbacks come the 1st, we’ll pay the $5 fee it’ll cost us to open the store. We want to get started!

Tom said that while he was out burning today he heard lots of voices coming from the front, but couldn’t be sure if it was at the new houses. There are lights on there, but if there’s anyone moved in yet, they’re awfully quiet. I haven’t heard car doors or any new and unfamiliar barks.

Later…

The big lot ended up going for $128. I wanted to win a lot of 10 this morning, but they surprised me by bidding on it in the end and bringing the price up past what I was willing to pay. Or at least what we had money for at this time. As Tom pointed out, a lot of these Barbie fanatics are dealers and it’s their job to sit at the computer all day bidding and selling things. There are also people out there with money to burn that get in the way, too. These are the people who are willing to pay whatever it takes to win.

The things we’re going to start off with in our store will be coins, vintage computer hardware and software, incense, plates, dolls and books.

SUNDAY, MARCH 28, 2004 The renter’s dogs have been going absolutely ballistic for hours now and I gotta wonder just what the hell could be setting them off at 1:30 in the damn morning. If it weren’t for my office being at the front of the house and the fans whirring away inside my computer, I’d have to have music going or something just to concentrate. I really, really would like to move to where we don’t have to know about it if our neighbors have dogs, but I know God would never allow me that much no matter what state/climate we moved to, and no matter what was customary there. Even if it was just the opposite where we move to, we’ll be next to that fluky household that stores their dogs outdoors 24/7.

I can’t fathom why God’s used dogs as instruments of torture on me for so many years any more than I can fathom why he did the same with the NHA and freeloaders. The only thing I can think of is that maybe it’s because I used to torture the family poodle as a small child. Doe’s “precious itty-bitty baby.” The one she treated better than her kids, husband and even her favorites – her friends. Why I did it, I don’t know. Perhaps it was a child’s only way of venting the pent-up emotions caused by abuse that she was forced to keep inside. Nonetheless, would God punish me for such a thing, innocent child or not? Absolutely. He always makes me pay tenfold and more for whatever I do. If I slapped someone once, he’d make sure they fisted me 1000 times. It’s not fair, but when is God ever really fair? I get what I’ve given a million times over and I pay for other people’s wrongdoings. Period.

They haven’t been flying lately. I noticed they seem to fly more often in colder weather rather than warmer weather.

Different regions have different sounds just like different sayings. When you think of New York noise you think of horns honking, people shouting and sirens. When you think of Arizona noise you think of balls bouncing, dogs barking and music.

SATURDAY, MARCH 27, 2004 When I got up at 5 PM, I saw that the lot was still hanging at $20, but come primetime, it jumped to $37. I’d say there’s no way I’m going to win this one. There’s this particular bidder who not only seems quite determined, but they’ve got 67 feedbacks in less than a month. Anyone who can afford to buy that much stuff in that short of a time has money. This person will probably be willing to pay a lot more for this lot than I am. It’s good that it’s ending in the middle of a workday. However, by the time I go to place my bid on Monday morning as I’d originally planned, it’ll probably already be over my limit and so I probably won’t end up placing it. I guess this is a good thing. Yes, it’s a hell of a deal and I hate to lose out on it, but $72 is an awful lot to be spending right now. We really need to save for the move.

We discussed it and decided on a business budget. This is a business budget only that’ll have nothing to do with whatever money he ends up making at whatever job he has next. That money will get budgeted when we get to that point. For now, we decided that $80 of every $100 profit we make will go towards business expenses while we each get $10. He’s hoping to make $200 - $300 in profits a month which would give us about $25 - $30. I’m also hoping that we can have $100 a month in spending money once he’s working somewhere again. If so, then I thought I might put the $100 towards dolls and the profits and grocery savings towards other things. I’m not sure if I’ll include Barbie in the $100 group. I think instead I’ll reserve that for just porcelains.

Anyway, it’s good that he’s setting up the business now while he’s not working because when he has a job, he’ll be out a good 10 hours a day, counting driving time. I just hope he won’t let himself be suckered into free overtime! He’s just way too nice.

Next Saturday he’s also going to stop and see Jamie at the recycling center because they’re now selling old junkie electronics people bring in (after making sure they work), and if we can make as much money as we have been with his old junk, we can certainly make more with other people’s old junk.

The spells aren’t working against the spiders lately, so Tom’s going to spray the doors tomorrow.

I awoke at 129 today, so that’s 3 pounds down. It would be so wonderful if it could continue on down and down and down, but nope. Once it hits 127, that’s it.

There have been lights on and off at the new houses and there’s a trailer parked beside one of them, but I still can’t believe anyone’s living in them. There are no new dogs, no car doors, no nothing, although I have been hearing music lately. I can tell, though, that it’s not coming from there. I just hope that wherever it’s coming from it’s not a nasty omen of some kind. I’ve learned that in this state, even the noisiest people can move in quietly. Even the blacks moved in quietly. When I first went over to tell the cock to tone the music down, he said they’d been there two weeks already. I don’t know why this is, but it seems to be a bit of a custom out here where you tiptoe in, get settled, then make a ruckus. Anyway, whatever happens around here, we’re not going to have to deal with it much longer. Soon we’ll be off to deal with new neighbors. It’s just a curse I’ve had to live with since 1992, so I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that no matter where I go, I’m going to be next to the most visible, most audible household in the area. I’m kind of hoping we’ll be able to grab a couple of cheap 2-acre parcels owned by the same person. We’ll get as much land and as many trees as we can. The good thing about the climate up there will be that if there’s a gap in the trees we want to fill in, we should be able to do that much easier there. Not just because of the climate, but because food is more plentiful there for the wildlife, whereas here, food is so scarce that a measly carrot is quite a jackpot for the local rodents and rabbits. In other words, they shouldn’t set out to destroy whatever we plant and there should hopefully be no evil spirits that don’t want us making ourselves comfortable there interfering as well.

FRIDAY, MARCH 26, 2004 Thanks to Yves, who thinks April 12th is my birthday (they reversed the numbers of the month and day), I’m getting $70 worth of stuff for just $12! I got to choose one item for free which will be my all-time favorite Ode à L’amour perfume that’s normally $21. Then I get free Yria perfume, which is normally $38, though I’m only getting a ¼ oz. bottle. Although we couldn’t find anything that said you had to order in order to obtain the freebies, we got a couple of buy-one-get-one-free items – travel-size lavender lotion and arnica hand & nail crème.

We’re going to have to coordinate our store with the move which shouldn’t be too hard. You can close it just like you can close a physical store that you can walk into.

The most shocking thing to happen was the sculpture I did last night of a lady sitting, holding a bushel of flowers in her hand. For my third sculpture and without any training, it’s not too bad. I think I just might have a knack for this after all. I’ve always been a naturalist at music and art-related things, and I think I just might get a starter kit someday so I can have some tools and some books for guidance. The face is lousy, though, and I have yet to learn to do hands. I need tools for something like that. I have all kinds of figurines in mind I’d like to one day try to sculpt. Maybe I’ll even get good enough to sell some which would be as shocking as selling stories would be.

The lot’s still hanging at $20.50, but the weekend has yet to come. That’s when I’ll know for sure just what’s going to happen with it and whether or not the people are going to go crazy with the bidding and bid up over the max I hope to place early Monday morning, a few hours before it ends, so long as it’s not already up to $50 at that time.

My eyes are getting steadily worse and fast, too. I was hoping they’d stay put for a while, but I can’t imagine I’ll make it to 40 without glasses. I was almost afraid to have the character I plan to have in my current book who ends up going blind for fear of it jinxing me, but that would really be silly superstition. If I could jinx my stories to life, then Kate Jackson would regress 30 years in time and come after me for a damn good time.

I woke up at 132 yesterday. I’m not surprised, since I was having around 2000 calories a day. I had 1200 cals yesterday and now I’m 130. When I get stuck at 127, I’ll probably eat my way back up to 132, and back and forth. If I only didn’t get so damn hungry! Dieting would be a lot easier if I had Tom’s problem. He’s never hungry, he just eats because he likes to eat. This would be easier to control and have the willpower to fight, but hunger is a whole different story, and I’m always hungry. It’s disgusting to see just how much of a pig I’ve turned out to be. Makes me want to take a hammer to my mouth at times! I don’t know why I became this way. They say we only get hungry if our bodies need the food, but why my body could need so much food is totally beyond me. I’m going to put a spell on myself as soon as we move. Not to lose weight and become skinny as I can’t be what I’m not meant to be, but to have extra money for fun stuff.

The assholes at the bank probably got Tom’s letter by now. They have one week to respond. If they don’t, we take matters into our own hands. Then again, we’re taking matters into our own hands like we should’ve weeks ago, with or without them involved.

THURSDAY, MARCH 25, 2004 The second letter I sent to Bob never did generate a response, so I’d say the old man’s either dead or in the hospital. Of course, the prison was supposed to send me the letters back if they were undeliverable, but how often do pigs do what they’re supposed to do?

The best news of the day is that while we only got a few bucks for that adapter, for the 20-year-old, crappy Nintendo system, we got $96!

We’ve settled on a clever store name that Tom came up with J & T’s Odds & Incense.

I wince every time the 106-lot goes up and I’m like, stop bidding, you jerks! It was up to $20.50 last I looked. This is still $30 under my max, but if they’ve been bidding like they have these many days in advance, it’s going to get crazy over the weekend and easily get up over $50. There are too many people wanting this lot really bad.

The amazing news of the day is that the palm tree’s grown 2” in the two days it’s been indoors! Yes, I’ve been putting spells on it to keep it alive, though I didn’t expect it to suddenly grow an inch a day!

I’ve been on the same schedule for about a week now where I fall asleep around sunup and get up around 2 PM. Makes me wonder if I could hold this schedule for a while, but I got to push it around just in case we finally are nearing the sale of the house.

Got a bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome I gotta put periodic spells on, but hopefully the inflammation will ease up soon.

I’m not surprised I haven’t gotten any Mary mail so far this week since I just sent her a story which she should’ve gotten last week. I’ve now sent enough stories to notice a pattern and that’s that she seems to like to keep me in suspense as far as her story feedback goes. It’s ok either way, though, as even if she wrote me saying it was a horrible story, though she’s not the type to do that, it wouldn’t stop me from writing any more than the freeloaders could stop me from saying anything I may have to say about them in the privacy of my own journals.

How I wish we could just hurry up and get moved! He put in an application at Home Depot and pointed out that once we do get moved, without a house payment, we could easily get by on just $200 a week which is minimum wage, even if we never sold another thing again. However, I doubt even God hates us enough to block us from selling things here and there. Maybe not nearly as much as we like, but hopefully it’d be enough to where Tom may only need to work part-time.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24, 2004 The mysterious foul smells continue to come and go, particularly when the AC is on. It’s not as strong with the AC as it was with the heat, though.

Tom suggested we keep one of the guitars, saying you just never know if one of us may one day get the urge to pick it up. So I decided to keep the one I got when I was 14 with the beautiful flowers and hummingbirds on the pickguards. That guitar was my only real friend for the longest time and has been to many states and places with me. Now if some fool were to suddenly appear with a couple of hundred bucks asking for it, I’d go for it. Although I did play the guitar and the keyboards for many years, I don’t see myself ever getting interested in them again. I have a whole new life with entirely different goals, interests and priorities, so I don’t see how they’d ever really fit into my life from here on out.

Anyway, my guitar endeavors are certainly something I’ll never forget. I began on Cousin Philip’s old guitar which, of course, was a nightmare. A real piece of junk it was. Doe and Art wouldn’t let me get a new guitar until they saw that I was serious and was going to stick to it, since I hadn’t played the piano long and quit the flute quicker than I started it. I always hated wind instruments, though. They are way too hard. The piano’s easier than the guitar, but I was so into Linda at the time and found the guitars in some of her songs so pretty that I just knew I had to play it.

The boxes came today, but I misunderstood what Tom told me about them. They’re not moving boxes. They’re incense boxes and other small boxes we can use for whatever else, but they are a bit small for moving. He’ll get moving boxes from Walmart or something like he did last time. Fortunately, we saved a lot of the boxes we moved in here with, so we shouldn’t need nearly as many. I’ve also been saving boxes of good sizes and conditions since last fall when it started looking more and more obvious that we’d be moving at some point soon enough.

Not surprisingly, I got an email from the people I won the Barbies from saying that they weren’t shipped out till today, because PayPal took a little longer than usual to transfer the funds to their account, and I was like, well of course there’s a delay. These are dolls after all. Meanwhile, Tom got his coin holders from this other company in no time at all, and it was a speedy delivery with the boxes, too. So I guess I won’t have them till the 1st.

There is a lot of 106 Barbie and Barbie-like dolls in Tennessee that’s currently up to $19.25, but of course, shipping’s $22 since that is a lot of Barbies! They’re all dressed and some are said to be damaged, but they look really good from the pictures. I’d love to win it! The only thing is that the seller asked that no one with PO boxes bid. I think I just might ignore them like the guy in France ignored our ‘US shipping only’ note. The worst that could happen is that they refund my money and ship it to the runner-up. They better at least refund it if they don’t ship to me anyway. That is, only if I win, of course. One of the current bidders is one I beat in the other lot. I checked the 4 bidders it has so far and they honestly don’t seem to know what they’re doing. Tom taught me it’s best to ignore what others are doing and simply put in your maximum bid. It worked the last time, so he must know what he’s talking about. Anyway, we both agree this is a hell of a deal as long as it doesn’t go over $50, and I probably will bid at some point, though not till it gets closer to the end. It’s got 4 days to go yet.

Tom’s now just 3 feedbacks away from the store. Wish I could give him 3 of the 6 feedbacks I have!

Tomorrow, we have a couple of things ending – an old Intellevision game and a specialized adapter.

Tom sent the letter to the bank today but didn’t show it to me like I told him I wanted him to. He said it was only a few sentences and to the point, but I don’t know. Tom’s just not very good at putting his foot down and being to the point. I just hope he didn’t play nicey-nicey and sound like he’s kissing ass. As soon as you come off as too nice and willing to kiss ass, you’re screwed. Sometimes, like it or not, you really do have to come off as a confrontational bitch to get people off your ass. I know we’re destined to get fucked over anyway, so we may as well deal with and accept it. Just one more group of people we’ll be forced to fight with. I’m just sooo sick of all kinds of people, people we don’t even know, having this grand hold on us that we can’t break. It’s like we’re theirs to do as they wish and that’s scary. It really is. People will still set out to screw us in Oregon, but at least they won’t be able to take our home. Then maybe, just maybe, we can have more of your normal, everyday problems instead of such fluky bullshit. The kind that’s not supposed to happen to us but that does anyway.

Our goal, if we can ever get out of here, is to not have to get a storage bin. We’re hoping to fit everything into the trailer we’re going to get and the truck (we’ll sell the car and all the furniture). It’ll probably take us two days to get there, assuming we really do go to Oregon. Instead of staying at a hotel overnight, we may pull into a campground and stay in the trailer. Hopefully, not long after we get to wherever we’re going to live, we can pitch a tent for added storage space as well as a place for him to sleep so I don’t have to listen to him snore like a freight train when we’re on the same schedule.

I am not looking forward to living like an eighteen-year-old once again. In fact, this may be worse than the worst place I’ve lived in as an adult (regardless of neighbors/neighborhood). The Phoenix house may’ve been too old and too small, but it’s going to seem gigantic compared to a little shit trailer and a tent. Same with the NHA dive. These aren’t going to be Sheriff Joe’s humongous army tents or some modern RV that’s as long as a school bus. Still, if we have to lower ourselves a bit in life to get higher than we are now, we’re willing to do it.

We thought of some negatives to being in Oregon and to having government land border our land.

The trees may interfere with the satellite which needs a clear view of the southern sky. I’m sure we can work around that, though, by raising the thing on a long pole if we have to.

As for the government land – there could be noisy activity on it like hunting and who knows what else.

I feel like my weight’s gone up again. I’ll weigh myself when I get up which is the time I prefer to do it. I just wish I could be like most people who simply don’t lose weight when they don’t diet, rather than continually gain in steady increments. I guess this might be because most people let their weight max out to whatever it’s going to be when they get older, which is usually at least 50 pounds overweight. I never let myself do that. If I let myself gain another 20-30 pounds, then perhaps I’d stop gaining if I didn’t diet, but I’d rather not do that.

I’m ragging like hell right now. For the longest time I was like ok, God cursed me sexually by either denying me lust or by sending me people who were sexually dysfunctional, so why not curse my female parts too, and cause me to need a hysterectomy? But then I realized the periods are the curse. Besides, you can’t exactly tease someone with the prospect of a child like he did through Tom if they don’t have the parts.

TUESDAY, MARCH 23, 2004 Tom said he thought about the name of our soon-to-be eBay store some more and decided that Jodi & Tom’s Incense & More was too long, so he asked me if I’d be ok with dropping his name and having it be just Jodi’s Incense & More. I don’t care, I told him.

We discussed other things to sell, like maybe picture CDs of pictures we’ve taken.

Once we’ve moved, we’re even going to try to sell my stories. We figured that if someone would buy used keys, why not stories with gay themes? This means I won’t use Mary’s real name in my current story. She likes the name Marie so I’ll use that. I’ve just never heard of a name like that before. Nonetheless, I’ll use this unless she tells me to make up some other name or supplies me with another name herself.

It’s weird to think that if I sold one copy, just one copy, that’d make me a professional, in a sense. I still can’t imagine why anyone would want to buy my stories, so I’m not going to get my hopes up. Tom has a book on how to bind books which would be nicer than using our wire binder.

Tom got his coin holders today and tomorrow our moving boxes are due to arrive. He also got long, skinny boxes that he felt would be good for shipping incense if we can ever get some customers. We still want to auction things as well as a means of getting people to the store. Lots of auctions have that where there are links to visit their eBay stores.

MONDAY, MARCH 22, 2004 The Benson lady got the puzzles today and now we’re just 5 feedbacks away from opening the store. Again, we’re willing to do the work, but will God allow us to succeed? We understand, though, that if we do, it’ll take a long time to build up to the point where he doesn’t need to work outside the house.

He’s working on the letter to the bank which he plans to mail out on Wednesday. He’s trying to write it so it doesn’t come off as confrontational, yet it shows we mean business. Sometimes you do gotta come off as a bit confrontational, though, as I told him, to get your point across. I still think, based on past experience, that we’re going to be screwed over no matter what he writes, and if I hear one more person say that if we just behave and don’t go making trouble, then trouble we won’t have, I’ll scream! We can get away from having to live too close to people, but we cannot get away from people fucking us over. I worry about what God will have done to us when we move. Meaning, if we get in a situation where no one can take what’s ours, will he have it burned down by way of a forest fire or something? I sure hope not!

There is some good news and that’s that I finally heard from Bob. He said he just got the grape oil and plans to ship it tomorrow. He asked where I wanted it shipped and I told him.

SUNDAY, MARCH 21, 2004 Some Mexican guy went by in a red pickup blasting music. I really hope this doesn’t become a regular practice.

Anyway, I did win the lot and we paid early this morning. We would’ve paid last night, but I didn’t get the automated invoice till after he crashed. They left me feedback and said the dolls would be shipped tomorrow morning. I’ll probably have them on the 30th. The only thing that worries me is that I wasn’t able to get insurance on them, but they’re not porcelain dolls, so I guess this means I’ll get them sooner or later.

In just over an hour, the flute and computer book auctions end. Last we checked, the flute was up to $8. He’s also thinking of cleaning and selling his real flute, too.

Later…

Not a whole lot of money made tonight. A buck for his book which is going to Tennessee, and $8.77 for the bamboo flute going to Ohio, but hey, something’s better than nothing and it’s less unwanted junk we’ll have hogging up space.

Since it’s looking more and more likely that we will end up in Oregon, I decided to pull inside the palm tree that had been sitting on the front steps in the pot of the indoor palm that died to see if it can live indoors. I put a spell on it. The kind Mary would approve of for sure. This will be a real test of my powers – a palm tree living in Oregon. An outdoor palm tree living indoors in Oregon. I pulled it in now figuring that if it’s going to die indoors, it’s probably going to do so no matter what state we’re in and better to have it die here if it’s going to so we don’t go lugging it along with us, even if it’s only 17” tall. Date palms are very, very slow-growing.

I warded off another cold for Tom that tried to set in.

SATURDAY, MARCH 20, 2004 Amazingly, I’m still in the lead on the lot. I don’t have any vibes either way, but I’d still guess that someone will come in and kick my ass in the last hour.

I got up at 1:00 and asked Tom if it was the renters who woke me up at 10:00 and he said it was a huge cement truck. Finally, I said, that’s it, I’m sick of these every-few-day wake-up calls, I’m sleeping with the fan on high at least till we’re out of here. It’s that time of year anyway when I like to sleep with the fan going.

Some people sell some really weird shit on eBay. The same people running the Barbie lot are selling an old friend’s set of keys that recently moved. Someone else is selling tons of McDonald’s toys, and of course there are wholesale lots of things like glow-in-the-dark wands.

Later…

Just 12 minutes to go now. I still wouldn’t be surprised if someone beat me in the last few minutes, though I’m just as surprised to have been in the lead this long as it is.

I’m moving right along with my story. I’ve barely begun it yet I’m already up to page 17. Most of my stories end up being about 30 pages or less. I’m sure this one will be the longest. So far, though, the longest one is the first one.

The rattlesnakes are already out of hibernation. Someone got bit, according to a news report Tom saw. I was hoping we’d be out of here before they got up and about as it wouldn’t look too good if people came to see the house, but couldn’t get in because a couple of rattlers were coiled up by the door ready to kill.

Although I probably shouldn’t bother with porcelain dolls when we move, this place called The Doll Market really told me what I wanted to hear, and maybe, just maybe, I’ve finally found a place to do online business with that’ll be good. They’re not much cheaper than JBS, but now that I’ve had the experience I’ve had, a good doll of these types and sizes really shouldn’t be under $200 - $300. Quality simply costs money. Anyway, I emailed them asking if they used beaded armatures and realistic eyes and she said she always uses beaded armatures with dolls requiring armatures because they make posing so much easier unlike with wire armatures. Also, she uses Real Glastic eyes, a popular brand of realistic eyes, as the eyes are the doll’s window to the soul. Yes, the eyes really are what either makes or breaks the doll as far as realism goes. Even Jamie said that.

FRIDAY, MARCH 19, 2004 Lots of prairie dogs are out right now. I’m going to miss them, but not their high-pitched little squeaks. It can be obnoxious when I’m trying to sleep and I either have to turn up the fan or sleep on my good ear.

It’s looking more and more likely, the more Tom researches it, that we’ll get a 2-acre parcel in Oregon. It’s the place to go in the west if you want trees and to get away from all the military bases. He checked out a subdivision there that has only 35 people. He says that the more remote we get, the less likely there are to be rowdy people in the area because part of being rowdy is being with people. Yeah, but the few exceptions to the rule always find me. When too many fluky things happen, you know it’s a curse when a definite pattern emerges. Because of this, I wouldn’t mind being adjacent to government land which no one can ever own and that’s there to preserve the wildlife. That way there’ll be just 3 sides for the Brady Bunch, the Partridge Family, and the Section 8 freeloaders. Tom doesn’t think there’ll be a house next to us, but I know there will be sooner or later. If not upon moving in, then within a few years.

It’ll be nice to leave Mexico and return to America till the damn Mexicans migrate their way up there and overrun us there, too. There’ll be more Vietnamese people up there, Tom says. That’s ok. I don’t mind.

Anyway, although we all have our problems in life, getting wrongly tossed in jail and being forced to move (even if we are ready to go) is a bit beyond the norms. I don’t think asking for an ideal home on an ideal piece of land that’s ours and that no one can take from us is too much to ask for, but neither were other things I’ve asked for, so we’ll just have to wait and see. I just want the security of a stable home that no one can take from us and that you don’t see or hear people in the way we can with the renters. Fortunately, though, we can’t hear them in the house with the windows shut, except for their damn dogs and that loud truck. The dogs are nothing like what we had to put up with in Phoenix, though, as far as barking goes.

He said in Oregon we shouldn’t hear as much in the way of hunters because here they’re mainly shooting birds, whereas there they’re mainly shooting deer and elk, and once you fire a shot, all the deer and elk in the area are gone.

Although I’m still the highest bidder, I’m sure I’ll end up being outbid. When I got up at noon today I found that someone tried 3 times to outbid me. I’m sure someone will succeed either tonight or in the final hour of the auction.

Next week Tom’s going to send the bank a letter basically telling them to back off, butt out, and let us sell our own house. He wants to write it rather than call them so that it’s documented. I’m sure in the end, though, that we won’t get to do things our way, and that rather than protect us, God will make sure that these evil-doers have a hold on us we can’t break free of, but hey, if they screw us out of any money to move on, we’ll just strip the place, leave it a mess, and do whatever else comes to mind. We’re not going to just sit back and take it. Our days of being trampled on and turning the other cheek are over. I vowed that after the blacks were out of our lives to never again be anyone’s slave or victim and I intend to hold to this vow.

Tom’s never been to Oregon that he knows of but said he might’ve gone with his family when he was little to visit cousins.

I’m so sick of having little periods before I get the main one. Why can’t I just get my period when I’m supposed to, then be done with it till next month?

Tom got an email from the lady who won the 17 puzzles in Benson, saying she hadn’t received them yet. I said to Tom, “Oh, so now the curse is also on the packages we send as well as those we get?”

He said no, we couldn’t get that lucky because he had the thing insured for $30. He thinks it’s just lazy people being slow to do their jobs.

THURSDAY, MARCH 18, 2004 The bamboo flute has a bid. Little did I know, nearly 20 years ago when I was given the thing on Oswego St., that I’d one day sell it at an online auction on the other side of the country with my husband of all people!

It’s been hot, though not murderously hot. We only need to run the AC for 4-5 hours in the afternoon.

Another pound miraculously lost for no apparent reason at all. Now I’m 128, though I’ve been having 1500-2000 calories a day. Maybe exercising for an hour a day really was overkill. I read somewhere that too much exercise can actually retard the process of fat loss. I’ve been doing half-hour workouts instead, figuring that as long as I didn’t have the willpower to cut down to 1200 cals a day, I wouldn’t lose weight anyway, though I’d certainly be in good shape. It’s like with protein. Having too much protein prevents the body from reaping its benefits.

Still only one bid on that lot. It’s too soon to really guess whether or not I’ll win it, but now that I know more about what I’m doing after Tom explained more to me about how auctions work, I just may win it in the end. I’m going to place my maximum bid of $33 tonight. Shipping is $7 and it’ll be parcel post which can take up to 9 calendar days. If I win, I hope they’ll get here sooner than the blue fairy did because they’d be coming from Texas and not New Jersey.

The seller went and added the fact that one of the dolls has missing feet and a few have chewed hands. This will hopefully lower the interest. The lot has had over 200 views as it is. Although I’d prefer dolls from smoke-free homes with no damage, I can always wash the stinky smoke out and hide missing feet with long gowns. I’m not even sure I’m going to like the damaged ones so I may want to put them towards my own lot. I’ll remember, of course, to state any damage up front.

I’m both shocked and pissed that Bob blew me off. Come Monday the 22nd, I’ll send one last email. If that fails to generate a response, I’ll call him directly the next Monday, the 29th.

Later…

I saw lights on this evening in the houses in front, but it looked like it might’ve been the owner. This is because I saw the lights go off in one place, then a car drive from there to the other house. Now both places are dark and I assume the car’s gone. For my sake, I’m glad they’re still vacant, but this also doesn’t strike me as a very good sign. Shouldn’t they have sold by now?

Although it might have been better to wait till the last minute to place my bid so as not to give others time to be tempted to outbid me, I placed my bid and now it’s either win or lose.

Little Guy’s still more playful than even Little Buddy was and greased lightning for damn sure. He’s taken to a new game of charging at me when I enter a room he’s hanging out in after not being in it for a while. He’s so cute and so much fun. The only thing I don’t like is the play biting, though he usually nips gently enough.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17, 2004 Oh, those fucking dogs! Why oh why have I been so badly harassed and badgered by the dogs of this state??? I really hope Tom’s right about it not interfering with the sale of this house. We know talking to them would do no good. If anything, it’d just make things worse. People out here don’t take well to complaints, as I learned long ago. You complain about whatever and they do it even more. I can’t believe no one’s shot these dogs yet, though that’s probably because they’re busy doing the same thing – letting their own dogs run loose. Tom says don’t worry, them hindering the sale is all in my head. Well, I hope it stays that way! Better to be in my head than to become a reality.

The dog situation is just terrible in this state. You’re either stuck listening to them bark really close to you in the city at all hours of the night and day, or you’re out here with them traipsing all over the place.

Anyway, Tom unzipped the Barbie pictures for me. It looks like a pretty good lot, though there are a few dolls with chewed-up hands and feet. Guess they too, have some kind of pet rodent.

Although we wouldn’t order till we move, we checked out a site that does drop-shipments on incense burners as well as a variety of other things from wind chimes to figurines and so much more. We found one that looks promising if we can ever get enough customers.

Tom’s favorite has turned out to be chocolate with brown sugar runner up to it. My top favorites have settled into being jasmine, angel, patchouli, brown sugar, chocolate, black Henry, butter rum, bump & grind, grape, watermelon, majmua, magnolia, morning mist and puddy cat.

TUESDAY, MARCH 16, 2004 Because we’re not moving tomorrow or the next day, I tried to swoop in on a new Teresa doll with 12 new outfits but lost. In trying, however, I caused the winner to have to pay a couple more bucks for it. That’s a first. Usually, it’s others costing me money, not me costing them money.

Anyway, I’m keeping a watch on lots. I decided that over time I’d get a lot here and a lot there, then once I had several lots, I’d pick out what I didn’t like and create a lot of my own. These lots are usually on used Barbies like the lot of 15 I got a few months back. I’m currently watching a lot of 22 with clothes and accessories. It’s up to $20 and has a few days to go with one bid on it. It’s a newbie too, so I hope to beat them as long as people don’t go getting all bid-happy on me in the end. I emailed the seller asking how many loose outfits were included and for better pictures. She emailed me back saying there were about 40 outfits. She also attached a zip file with 40 pics, but I can’t unzip it, so he’ll have to do it in the morning.

Tom got his $50 back for the coin holders he never got and found a better deal elsewhere on coin holders.

It takes 20 feedbacks to open a store and he’s got 13. As soon as we get the store, we’ll find out just how much incense we can sell after all, as well as other things. It only costs 2¢ a month to list things in a store. Amelia and Samantha will be listed for sure. I still don’t know if they’ll sell, but we’ll see. Shipping’s going to be a bit high on them even with parcel post. Especially if someone in the east wants them. I was thinking of listing Amelia at $29.99 and Samantha at $89.00. Both have the COAs, but Sam’s without her stand. Haiku’s got it since Ricki was too stupid to send me the stand she said she’d send.

We only listed two things tonight. An old bamboo flute I got in the late 80s and a programming book of his for old computers since so many people seem to like old junk. We started them each at a buck.

If I can ever get the half a dozen or so large lifelike dolls I want, plus a half a dozen or so Ashton dolls, I’d primarily concentrate on Barbie collecting. She may not look very realistic and she may be small, but she’s not very breakable, the middle of her body isn’t usually stuffed, and I definitely prefer rooted hair over wigs.

Tom got spam from a psychic claiming that starting on April 19th, our lives will be just perfect for 72 days. Oh, goody, so we’ll be in business full-time, I’ll lose 30 pounds, we won’t get ripped off selling the house, and we’ll find the perfect land. Yeah, right! These kinds of psychics are quacks just like phone psychics are.

I thought I saw a kid on a dirt bike vandalizing the new houses, but I can’t swear to it. He was by himself and usually, people do these kinds of things with friends. It certainly wouldn’t break my heart if someone did vandalize them to stall people from moving in, so long as I didn’t have to have the blame pinned on me. I can’t believe they’re still vacant as it is!

MONDAY, MARCH 15, 2004 I got my coffee in the mail, but still no grape oil. I’m really getting worried here, too. Especially since Bob’s been ignoring my email asking about it. Are they too, going to end up shitting on me and losing my business? If this is the way they’re going to treat their customers, they’re going to end up out of business in no time! Of course there’s always the possibility that someone died. People always die when I order something from someone they knew.

Once again, Netflip has me pretty pissed off. They sent another check saying that the first one had to be canceled because it had the wrong date. So now poor Tom has to go all the way to Casa Grande to make sure there’s enough money in the bank to cover things. If people we don’t even know could stop putting us out like they do, it’d really make our lives a lot easier. I’m really sick to death of having to either correct or be put out by other people’s mistakes and stupidity! It’s become the story of our lives. It’s scary how people we don’t even know or barely know, can have such a hold on us and such a huge influence on our lives. How is it that a stranger’s death in Chicago can affect when I get a package in the mail while another stranger can don a black robe and send me to hell for 2.5 years? As a child, those closest to me were my worst enemies, but now it’s the other way around – if I don’t know you, I gotta watch out for you! People I don’t even know in the Air Force wake me up more than my own husband ever has, and now this perfect stranger in God knows what state is going to cause Tom to make a drive he was hoping to put off till the end of the month because they couldn’t get their damn dates straight. Uuuggghhh!

Tom may very well be out $50 thanks to some stranger wherever the store is that he tried to get coin holders from that now claim they have no record of his order, and this is exactly why I’ll never buy things through the mail again. I really hope we can find a competent doll store near enough to wherever we move to.

If there’s any good news, it’s that we ended up making about $80 last night from eBay sales, including the lot of puzzles. Most of our things end up going to the east, but my puzzles are going down to Benson, close to the Mexico border. Only two things didn’t sell, and someone asked to buy one of them after it ended, claiming they spotted it just as it was ending.

I’m reading a book about 3 white youths who only did a few years in a reformatory after killing 3 Indians. That’s pretty fucked up. But so is executing a white person for merely passing a dirty look to blacks or Mexicans.

In and out and in and out goes the renters. Anyway, I got a nice letter from Mary. Amazingly there were no favors asked in this one. She guessed the scent I told her to guess I was burning that began with a C to be Christmas, but I told her it was cedar.

She said Maria, who lives alone, offered her a place in her 3-bedroom home once she gets out. She said she didn’t know if returning to Arizona would be the best thing for her anyway. I told her I could understand that and that I didn’t think she should anyway. I know she’d miss Murphy, but I think she’d be better off away from people like Derek, her mother, aunt and uncle. Like she said, she can always visit.

Once she gets out, it’ll be so much more fun and so much easier to keep in touch by email versus regular mail!

Sometimes I am slow, really slow. It’s like, dah! I didn’t have to sit and type her letters to her friend Shirley, I could’ve just scanned them in and sent them as a JPG file. So I told her to send me her email address and I’ll scan any letters she has as well as her book as long as she’s sure she doesn’t want to wait till it’s done.

I agree that she’s way smart for her age what with all she’s gone through. Maybe a little too trusting still, but definitely way smarter than the incompetent jerks we deal with on a day-to-day basis! I never felt the age difference, to tell you the truth, when we were cellies. Perhaps this is because she’s ahead of her years and I’m so young at heart, not that she isn’t as well. Now with Miss Indifferent, on the other hand, I felt almost like the child she said she felt like she was with. To her, I was just a kid. Something like a rebellious teenager.

She said I’m her best friend and that she’d stalk me if I ignored her. Then she said she was only kidding, though was kinda serious because that would hurt her. I assured her I don’t plan on giving her the silent treatment. It’s amazing just how far we’ve come, even if she drives me nuts with the favors at times. I hope we’ll always be best buddies!

Paula, on the other hand, won’t hear from me as long as I don’t hear from her. She’s done nothing but pester me and take advantage of me. Plus, she only writes when she wants something. She could’ve at least sent a quick note saying “I got the incense, thanks,” but I didn’t even get a simple little thing like that and I had asked her to let me know if she got it, too. You can’t ask people for shit in this world!

When she said she agreed I was lucky to have escaped the pain of childbirth, I told her I don’t know what I feel more – grateful that I never had the kid I once wanted, or pissed that I spent so many years all depressed and miserable about not being able to conceive back when I wanted to. Not being able to do something as natural and as normal as that can really make a person feel singled out, picked on and punished!

That’s good that her aunt is sending her money again, though I still think she should ditch her along with the rest of her pathetic family once she’s out. I’ve learned that if you dump an asshole, they can never hurt you again. The only ones I tried to disentangle myself from that wouldn’t let me go and who continued to screw me with the distance were the freeloaders. I still wonder if a pig’s going to come knocking on this door at any moment on account of some new bullshit they’ve stirred up, or if they’re going to come firing at the house for getting off probation early. They’re that sick. I’ll feel a lot better once we’ve moved on. I know they could find us there too like they found us here. It’s just that I think they’d be a lot less likely to stalk us in another state and after they already won and got what they wanted, even if 2½ could never be enough for them. Nothing could ever be enough for them.

Tom says the same thing Mary says – that I don’t look fat. He wouldn’t necessarily describe me as skinny (like Kate who’s too skinny), but he doesn’t think I’m fat. And she’s right, we are our worst critics. You never know, though. I just may end up as big as Roseanne Barr someday.

She asked if I thought she was ugly and said that she wishes she was pretty like everyone else. If anyone ever thought she was ugly, then they’d seriously need to see a shrink, an optometrist or maybe both. She isn’t ugly, though she’s not my type attraction-wise. And ironing her hair, which she says she wants to do to her hair which is all frizz, would be the biggest mistake. I used to straighten my hair nearly every day for years and I fried it. I had frizz to my ass. Heat is the worst thing one can do to it. The only reason her hair is frizzy right now is because of the junk detergent she no doubt uses for shampoo and all that’s going on in her life. Once she gets out of there and onto a better life and is able to use better shampoos and conditioners, her hair will improve, but she needs to avoid the heat and chemicals. Also, don’t brush it unless she absolutely has to in order to get knots out. The old hundred-strokes-a-day being good for the hair saying is utter BS. Brushing hair puts stress on it, damaging it in time. Once I learned this, I went from having a mane of frizz to having a mane of silk. Also, “everybody else” isn’t pretty, and trust me, I’m a picky one when it comes to looks, I told her. Meaning, I’d never not be someone’s friend because they were fat, plain-looking, pimply-faced, etc., but I’m picky as far as what I personally perceive as being pretty. There are a lot of ugly and plain-looking people out there as far as I’m concerned. I’m just not easily impressed.

The officers peeled off a sticker of the American flag with a sparkly background that I had stuck on one of her envelopes. I should’ve known better than to send stickers, and she has 4 more on their way with Humane Society animal stickers on their backs (the ones carting my story). I hope they don’t return them, but knowing them, they’d want to know if there were drugs hidden under them, so they could have an excuse to get someone, though I’m sure they’ll just peel the stickers off and give them to her. I wonder if they peel off the address labels, too.

As for God loving me like she insists he does, sometimes it’s easy to feel that he does and other times it’s easy to feel that he doesn’t. If I take individual events in my life such as my time at Valleyhead, it’s easy to believe he hates my guts. If I take Tom and her, people who love and accept me as I am, it’s easy to believe he loves me. When I look at my life as a whole from the beginning to now, it’s easy to believe that he started off hating me, but got to like me more with time. I doubt we’ll ever know why things are the way they are. If we ever do find the answers, it may not be in this life. All I know is that after having a lousy childhood and having most of my 20s suck as well, I never take good times or good people for granted!

I assured Mary again that I wouldn’t abuse my powers, though if there’s one spell I have to get working on it’s the spider spell, because I saw one in my office last night.

Los conejos were out begging so I gave them some lettuce. When I said to Tom how I’d miss them, he reminded me that all woods have them. Not nearly as much back east as here, I said, and he laughed and said that my feeding them no doubt makes them a bit more visible which is true. There are so many of them for the same reason there are so many prairie dogs. They’re going to miss me for sure! The buyers are going to be in for one rude surprise too, when they go outside to face a couple of hungry rattlers that come around for all the yummy prairie dogs.

SUNDAY, MARCH 14, 2004 Yesterday we spotted giant cranes from the bedroom window about 5 miles off in the distance. Curiosity caused us to drive out to them. They appear to be putting up antennas. Tom said it could be for either radios or cell phones. I hope they’re for cell phones as the service out here sucks. Hardly anyone listens to radios anymore anyway. It’s all satellite now, and DJs are becoming as obsolete as checks are.

Still no mail or calls from Paula, nor do I desire to call or write her. For what? Just to hear her ramble on about the sick cocks in her life and ask a million favors? Well, I’m nobody’s slave! People fail to realize that I’m a person with needs, too. Meaning, I need to eat and pay bills too, so if they want to pay me to do this and to do that for them, then fine. If not, I’ll spend my time and energy on other things.

The puzzles finally got a bid. I was getting worried there for a minute. Things are actually selling quite well. Perhaps this is why we’re not winning on tickets. I have money vibes for April, and I sure as hell hope it’s connected to selling the house! Tom says April sounds logical, but logical things don’t always happen in this world, so we’ll see. My vibes are still leaning toward late April, though.

When we find land that’s promising, Tom will check to find out if it’s between any military bases. The boomers we got here are flying from Luke Air Force Base to a firing range in Tucson, and we’re right in the middle of their flight path.

Yesterday I finished College Romance and now I’m working on Angel Eyes. It’ll be a long, long time before it’s done. When it is, I’ll be on to another cool story idea I had about a little girl shuttled from foster home to foster home. The story won’t have a gay or straight theme. The central character will be this poor abused little girl with powers similar to mine who’ll make those who abuse her pay dearly.

My last book turned out to be part mystery, part romance. Ashley and Katelyn end up in the same dorm house together along with conceited Dalene, shy Rose and then Nicolette, who isn’t exactly shy, but a bit on the quiet side, preferring to keep to herself. While Ashley and Katelyn fall in love, murders occur on campus. In the end, Ashley and Katelyn discover the killer is Rose, who feels like an outcast in society.

A part of me thinks how cool it’d be to have this next story magically written the way I want it written and to be able to read it without knowing it like I’d know it had I written it myself. On the other hand, that’d take a lot of the fun out of it. It’s fun writing the stories. That’s why I do it. If I wanted to just read them, I’d read other people’s books only.

SATURDAY, MARCH 13, 2004 It’s cloudy and damp out (we won’t need the AC today) and Mary’s driving me nuts again with the favors. Three of them this time. She wants me to email her book to a friend, then type her a few letters, and send her a picture of a keyboard so she can “practice” typing. I told her no to the favors-for-friends routine, like I have a million times before, with the exception of an occasional letter to Maria. Also, she’s better off waiting till she can practice typing on a real keyboard. Lastly, why can’t she just wait until her story’s completed before giving out copies?

As for my own book. It’s going through both its silent and electronic proofreading, and then it’ll be done. I’ll be sending Mary a copy of course, and hopefully she won’t take a year to let me know she got it.

I totally empathized with her when she said she was tired of people hurting her. I told her, I hate to break it to you, but the less you have to do with people, the better off you’ll be. It may sound depressing to someone who’s a people person, but the more you isolate yourself and don’t depend on others, the safer you’ll be.

We’re not even going to set our future house on a slab of concrete (if we don’t go with a cellar). That’s something we couldn’t do ourselves, and once again, that’s how you get fucked over; by having others do things for you. If you want the job done right, you have to do it yourself.

I decided to compromise with her and tell her that if she sends me her friend’s email address, I’ll email the book, but she has to be responsible for carting off her own letters to her own friends.

Still don’t know what’s going on, though I wish to hell I did! I’m sick of this waiting game. I want to know something and get a move on it instead of sitting around waiting for things to happen.

Tom got a kid’s jewelry-making kit for practice. He wants to learn to make jewelry to eventually sell.

He also got and installed a new alternator, though we won’t be going to the swap meet tomorrow. Too rainy.

FRIDAY, MARCH 12, 2004 Why oh why must I be woken up every few days? At fucking midnight of all hours, in a rural town, I get woken up by these incredibly loud planes. I’m pretty sure they were military helicopters. They seemed to hover over the house for a few minutes that I was half expecting bombs to be dropped on us or something.

Anyway, I dipped as many sticks as I could to finish off the White Shoulders and the Black Pearl, the two scents I’ve got in oil form that I’m not too impressed with. We’re going to open an eBay store real soon. Meanwhile, I got a lot of 17 puzzles listed starting at $4.99. It’d be a good deal for anyone in the state as shipping would only be $6. To Massachusetts, though, shipping would be $22.

This rat is more playful than even Little Buddy was! He’s more like him than any other rat we’ve had. He does everything he did, short of jumping up onto the couch to see Tom.

We discussed it, and since we know we’re going to be here a few more months being forced to fight with the bank, we might go to the swap meet on Sunday, but definitely the next time I’m on days. It’s all going to depend on the new alternator he’s going to install in the truck. If it goes well, then tomorrow we’ll sift through the stuff, decide what we want to try to sell, and go on Sunday.

I like to do most of my writing at night after he’s gone to bed, but he’ll be out several hours today running errands, so I’ll do some then.

Later…

The Brady Bunch behind us is on their usual outdoor frenzy. With the windows shut, though, I can’t hear the kids screaming or the adults screaming at the kids.

Mary sent a letter, and of course, she had to ask me a favor. It appears there’s some new criminal she’s hot for. What her obsession is with “bad boys” I’ll never know. She asked me to find some Hispanic guy in another Florida prison. “I just want to know if he’s still there, and please send a small mug shot,” she said, but you know, I’m tired of doing for others and I don’t want to aid in her sick fantasies, so I just told her I couldn’t find him. She wouldn’t even say who he was or what he was in for, so I’m sure he’s in for some violent offense of some kind.

THURSDAY, MARCH 11, 2004 Haiku made it to Phoenix last night. Now I’m waiting to see if they update the link saying she’s reached Casa Grande and is out for delivery. She left Phoenix at 4:00 this morning, so she oughta be in Casa Grande right about now being loaded onto the delivery truck. Because I’m so anxious to finally – finally – receive her, I’m sure she’ll be one of the last deliveries of the day. So long as whatever’s been trying to stop her from getting to me doesn’t literally reach down, pick the delivery truck up, and hurl it across the state.

The front light is on in the furthest new house. I asked Tom if he’s heard any barking or car doors and he said no. My guess is that the workers or people showing the house simply left it on. It’s been too quiet for someone to have moved in.

Although the research was a bit conflicting, Tom says it looks like the bank wants to screw us over. Well, of course, I told him. You didn’t think God would exactly bless us with honest, good-willed people to have to deal with, did you? Even out here we still get stomped on by society! I am so, so sick of everyone else but us having a hold on us and the power to make us or break us! Like we both agree, though, the more we isolate ourselves from civilization and the more we own outright, the less chance we’ll have of getting fucked over. Then God can send us other forms of trouble.

Anyway, he says it looks like they want to auction off the house which may not be such a bad thing since he himself even considered doing it that way. Only time will tell just what they have in mind. Meanwhile, I don’t trust them and I think Tom should tell them, look, it’s our house, so we’ll sell it. He urged me to trust him to handle it. As long as you’re not going to be too nice, I told him. That’s how you get taken advantage of. He then assured me he was going to be anything but nice. I asked if he thought it could be connected to his being fired, and he said no, but since we know that honesty doesn’t do us any good anyway, he’s going to use that as a crutch. Way to go, I told him. The blacks and Mexicans have their race crutch, so we’ll use our own little crutch. Everyone’s so quick to “poor baby” the blacks and Mexicans when they get discriminated against, but no one gives a shit about the whites, Jews and gays.

I’d like to think that in the end, this will all work out the way it should, but I know better. Why God continually insists on whipping our asses with evil-doers is beyond me, but I know that’s just what he intends to do. We’re the last ones he’d ever make sure ended up in good hands, and I really believe it is God and not some devil. If God’s supposed to be the most powerful being, then he’d override the devil if it were the devil out to screw us. But he hasn’t yet so that tells me something. Something scary.

As for my schedule, I’m not doing a damn thing about it till things actually start happening. If all goes well, we should be out of here in April. If we have to stop and play hardball, we could be here till June. I feel like this land that was so determined to get rid of me, now has decided it’s not going to let me go so easily!

My vibes have shifted to a treed 8-acre parcel in Oregon. Tom says that’s an unusual unit and that the most common parcels are 2 and 10 acres just like here. If we had to choose between 2 treed acres versus 10 wide-open like this, we’d take the 2 treed acres. With the Brady Bunch soon to follow us, it’s got to be either a dense wall of trees or a ton of space so I can hear myself think and live in peace. If the choice came down to 2 treed acres and 40 open, then the decision would be a little tougher.

We may possibly go to the swap meet this weekend to not only try to sell more of the little things but also some of the big things like the old lawn mower we had in Phoenix, the blower, and things like that. This time we’re going to remember to use sunscreen, too!

The old software he’s selling is doing well for bids. As we both said, we can’t sell these nice hand-painted, one-of-a-kind plates, yet we can sell his old, obsolete junk. Oh well. At least we’re selling something.

I was surprised to find my big-leaf plant was already sprouting a new shoot.

Since I’ve been eating like a pig, I was also quite surprised to wake up at 129 after being 131 the other day. You simply don’t lose 2 pounds without even trying at my age.

Later…

Haiku arrived, and although she is a cutie, they couldn’t have done a lousier job on her had they tried. First of all, the beaded armature I specifically asked for is that shit wiring I hate, the inset lashes I asked for are half painted, the stand I asked for wasn’t present, and they didn’t even take the time to glue her damn wig on. So, as is always the case, I was stuck having to do what I paid Ricki to do and we used a hot glue gun to affix the wig. The doll has no breastplate, but her head does move, and to tell you the truth, I’m amazed she wasn’t broken. They barely packed her. She had just a few half-assed pieces of foam wrapped around her arms and legs. I didn’t realize this doll’s arms were bent at the elbows which pissed me off at first. Then I arranged her in a way that had her hold a pink teddy bear and it looked adorable. I repacked her with rubber bands down her ponytail to give her the straight hair I asked for and didn’t get (it’s wavy). She looks so different in person. More Hispanic than Asian. She’s a good sculpt, though. I can’t deny that. Very realistic.

I’m still very seriously considering hanging up my collecting no matter what we have for money. If I can’t get exactly what I want and order, then I don’t want anything at all, though she’s certainly not bad enough to return or sell. She’s better than Samantha. For $100, she’s fine, but this is obviously why the bitch is so cheap; because they do a lousy job. I just don’t understand why so many people are so damn stupid! It makes me embarrassed to be part of the human race at times. She fouled up my order so much that it made me wonder if it wasn’t deliberate. I can’t believe she didn’t go so far as to make her a gray-eyed blond!

If I ever do get any more of these kinds of dolls, I’ll go through JBS. They’re overpriced, but they do the job right.

I might one day buy a beaded armature, dismantle her, and put her together properly. Maybe I should just get doll kits from now on!

Why oh why am I so cursed with dolls?!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10, 2004 We had to run the AC for a little while yesterday. It’s already 4:00 in the morning and yet it’s 79º in here.

Now the package chase curse is on Tom. He’s been expecting $50 worth of coins that he wants to sell online, and they haven’t arrived yet. When he called about them, he learned they hadn’t even been shipped yet.

Tom said he doesn’t know exactly what this means, but right before he was going to email some local realtors, he got a letter from the bank saying they were going to sell our house. First he’s going to wait and see if they contact him and do a little research. Assuming he doesn’t hear from them, he’ll contact them directly and ask just what they mean by saying they’re going to sell our house. As long as they’re willing to ask a reasonable amount and not ask for something like $100,000 so we have no money to move on, they can sell it all they want, though it’s our house and we’d prefer to sell it ourselves. We don’t trust them. Not after what we’ve gone through and I don’t trust God, either. He’s done nothing but lead us into the hands of greedy, scamming assholes and the last one I trust to look out for our well-being is him. Not with the way we’re a magnet for trouble.

So, once again our fate lies in the hands of strangers with the power to make us or break us, though they’ll be sorry if they break us. They really will. Not just because of the curse I’ll damn them with, but because of our new “fight back” motto the freeloaders inspired. We give what we get. Period. We’re not going to fight back stupidly and get ourselves in trouble, of course, but there are plenty of legal ways to play hardball if that’s the game they want to play with us. We’d prefer to go out peacefully with everyone doing the right thing, but as past experience has taught me, if people can take advantage of you and fuck you over, they will. These people are in the position to do just that, so that means they more than likely will, in which case we’ll strip this place silly on our way out. Sell or take the appliances that came with the house, maybe do a little pipe puncturing of our own (with teeny tiny nails that’ll take time to start leaking and become noticeable as was the case with the shower), and hey, why not add in some electrical work, too? Copper wiring and aluminum wiring don’t mix any better than oil and water, and there’s no crime in being stupid which is exactly what it’d appear to be – someone who didn’t know what the hell they were doing, not someone setting the stage for a delayed fire.

My vibes are shifting yet again, now leaning toward Oregon. The more we research land there, the more we like what we see. We’d probably end up with a smaller parcel, but it’d be just fine what with how dense and tall the trees are there. We can tell just how secluded certain properties are by how far away the power and phone lines are. We don’t want anything saying those are available, and we certainly don’t want anything saying sewer systems are available. It’d have to be more than twice as populated as where we are now for them to go putting in sewer pipes.

Anyway, we have 30 days to dispute the letter, though I’m hoping we won’t have to. I’m just sick of all these delays and worries! I just want to get this move, wherever we’re going, done and over with! If all goes well, we’ll be out of here in April like I originally vibed. If they want to fuck with us for a while first, then we could be here into June.

Another thing I like about Oregon is that it’s closer to the ocean. Not as close as it was for me back east, since we’d be inland, but certainly closer than here. I think the dense forest would also help to muffle the gunshots from hunters, and they also may be less likely to boom over the house. The only reason they do it here is that there is no ocean close by.

We’re so ready to go now that I just might not be bawling my eyes out come moving day like I thought I would be. I even decided not to take the house’s valances after all. Especially if we’re going to be in an old trailer or a tent for a year or two. We may turn it into a regular little campsite while we build the house. There are bears there, but oh well. They’ll just have to learn to coexist with us. They have all kinds of camping equipment from showers to toilets, etc. We may go with what’s known as a compost toilet system rather than a septic because it’s so much cheaper. They also say it doesn’t smell because it creates a vacuum that sucks air down into it. I hope this is the case because septic tanks can really stink at times. Especially if you’re like me with the nose of a bloodhound.

TUESDAY, MARCH 9, 2004 Little Fella couldn’t hold out any longer. He was still alive (I think) when I got up, though after I had watched the Charlie’s Angels movie and showered, I found him dead. I’m sad, though I knew it was coming. It’s when they suddenly die without warning and surprise you that you’re the hardest hit. It’s still a sad thing. He was a good rat. I took his last picture yesterday of him sleeping. When Tom gets up he’ll be laid to rest with Scuttles, Houdini, Ratsy, Little Buddy and Oreo.

As for the movie; it wasn’t as good as I was hoping it’d be. Except for a few funny parts, it was mostly centered around the producers, the making of the show, and of course, Farrah. Polls said she was the favorite. She was way ahead of Jaclyn who was just a little ahead of Kate. It’s funny how the first angel they picked for the show (Kate), and who was the show’s star, turned out to be one of the least-liked angels.

They seemed to get along for the most part, yet at the same time, Kate seemed a little jealous of Farrah. The actress playing Kate didn’t look like her, but she had her voice and dyky attitude and mannerisms down to a T. In fact, she sounded so much like her that at times I wondered if the real Kate supplied the voice for this character.

Farrah said she loved Kate, but that she was so bossy. I can totally believe it, as well as the part where Kate protests wearing a bikini and says, “We’re private dicks, not purring pussies!” I can also see her taking fits in her trailer over certain parts of the script.

I also got a kick out of how she told Time magazine off when they came to do interviews when they were just about to go on their lunch break. The Time guy was like, “But I have a deadline!” and Kate tells him that’s not her problem and to come along ladies, referring to Farrah and Jackie, so they could go eat lunch.

Then there was the time this guy was going through racks of clothing with her and everything he picked was all wrong. She’s telling him, “Too low, too sheer, too short,” then when he picks a bikini, she goes. “Over my dead body,” and grabs a black turtleneck herself. Yes, she was famous for those turtlenecks, though I personally found her sexy even in those body-clinging things and she looked hot in black.

When I was watching the chick who was brushing her hair in her trailer, I was like, now why couldn’t that have been me? But then I was like nah, I’d have wanted to do more than brush her hair. Much, much more.

Haiku departed Jackson, Mississippi a few hours ago.

It got up to 85º in here yesterday.

I really, really hope I don’t see any pigs cruising by today. That was a very disturbing sight, and if I see them today too, I’m really going to get suspicious.

Later…

We buried Little Fella a little while ago.

I’m sorry to say the trailer in back has returned, only because they’ve been going in and out constantly for water in that loud truck. And of course they always, always have to go by the house. They can’t go up Meadow Green, away from us. I’m pretty sure someone’s living in the trailer at this point. Besides, I saw a light on in it last night.

Later…

Haiku’s now just two states away in Mesquite, Texas! It’s both fun and exciting to track her journey out to me. I think she’s going to make it after all.

It’s getting rather toasty in here. I think we’re going to need the AC for a while. I even turned the cold water control on the water dispenser. I had it off during the colder weather, keeping it at room temperature. The only one I leave on all the time is the hot water.

I’ve been calling Little Guy Blondie with his coloring and all. He’s so cute, though brown rats are my favorite. Brown that’s not overly dark like Baldilocks. And I like smoother, flatter fur better than the coarse fur with cowlicks.

MONDAY, MARCH 8, 2004 My first group of puzzles sold to someone in CA, but the plates and incense didn’t sell. Tom thinks it’s because we said we’d ship priority mail which is more expensive. He wants to try shipping first class, but I still don’t think it’s going to work out because it’s what I want. If God never let me do what I wanted in life before, why would he start now? On the other hand, I have plenty of other things I do that I enjoy. They may not make me money, but they’re fun just the same.

Tonight’s the Charlie’s Angels movie!!! I’ll be crashing before it goes on, so I’ll see it when I get up.

Haiku went through Raleigh, NC, and recently left Greensboro, NC. Still too much distance between us to say for sure that she’ll make it here, but I’m more hopeful than I have been in a month.

The heat never came on last night.

Later…

About an hour ago I was sitting at my desk brushing my hair when my worst nightmare appeared, slowly creeping down Ralston and heading towards Bitter Root, then stopping by the shacks next door which are at the edge of their property. With my heart feeling like it would jump out of my chest, I ran and alerted Tom who was in the other room. A few minutes later, my nightmare moved on towards Bitter Root and out of view.

As I told Tom, a small pickup passed by with a sheriff’s car behind it. Tom assured me we had nothing to worry about, but after what happened to me and knowing that those freeloaders are still out there and know where we are, I can’t help but get paranoid. Tom reminded me that they can’t rehash old shit, but as I reminded him, they were obsessed with me. Enough to die for me if it came down to it. So while it may be true that they can’t legally reopen old cases, what’s to say they didn’t get robbed or something and are blaming me? After all, I’d be a convenient one to pin it on. If they don’t know who did it, why not blame the white Jew who hates everybody? It’d be my word against theirs, and if I can get framed once, why not twice?

Tom says they were probably just looking for a stolen vehicle and that that could be why they stopped by the shacks; they have that old dumpy car sitting there. He also says that sooner or later they are going to come out with papers about the house.

I just want to get out of here! No, I don’t have any bad vibes, but no psychic is perfect and I’d just feel a whole lot better being someplace far away that they don’t know about.

I try to tell myself, “Calm down. Don’t let the sight of a pig freak you out.” But it’s easier said than done. I’m going to be nervous until we make it out of here. I know, though, that if God wants to whip my ass with these sickos, he’s not going to let us make it out in time. Life is one crisis and struggle after another, and while this shit with the house may be quite a party as opposed to the freeloader shit, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe God feels I need more shit thrown at me, though I certainly hope not! I’ve had enough and I’d like at least a year off from the stressful, long-term problems he likes to curse me with.

I burned all but the paper saying my probation was terminated early, so that way if some sick pig out to play games with me tries to come and say I skipped, I’ll have that paper.

SUNDAY, MARCH 7, 2004 The tracking link works! Haiku left Edenton, NC yesterday and has been rescheduled to be delivered on the 11th. Can’t wait, and oh how I hope there are no more problems or delays and that she came out ok! If they damaged the label, they could’ve damaged her.

Got the blue fairy and a letter and drafts from Mary yesterday. She liked my sculpted rat and thought Little Guy was a cutie. Said he reminds her of a rat her brother had that was a size 8 shoe which is about what Little Fella is (I assume she means women’s sizes). He may be closer to a 6 or 7. Little Guy’s a lot of fun. He’s fast, playful, smart, and affectionate. It’s weird, though, because he sometimes stands still with his head raised and slowly sways from side to side as if he’s off-balance.

Baldilocks has turned out ok. He lets me handle him more. He’s sort of in between. Meaning, he’s not a bad rat, but I doubt he’ll ever be one of the most memorable and outstanding rats, either. He’s not nearly as cute as the others with his extra thin, coarse poodle-like fur. I like the thicker fur that’s straight and smooth. I also like how he goes home on his own after being out exploring.

Yes, I’ve been pretty happy, as Mary pointed out, though I have the usual day-to-day worries. I just want to get out of here, though that might not be for a couple of months yet. We’re calling the realtor this week no matter what the damn bank says. We need to get the show on the road. His unemployment expires at the end of next month. I doubt he’ll ever work again in this house, but as soon as we get moved, he’ll need to get out and get a job no matter what it pays, before the money from the sale of the house runs out. I still doubt we’ll ever have a home business successful enough to keep him home.

She was reminiscing with laughter over the time I was twirling around in our cell and Bryant asked her what was wrong with me, and she goes, “Who?”

She said she missed the dry air here, well, Arizona was anything but dry for a few days there. We had quite a bit of rain.

I’ll miss the monsoon storms if we don’t move to a similar climate. Who knows, though? We may remain in the desert. If we do, I’m hoping it’ll be the Kingman area because then we’ll be close to Laughlin and JBS’s main store. Their dolls may be outrageously overpriced, but at least they do a good job and then I could walk into the store and get the dolls when they’re done and not have to play the package chase game. We’re still hoping for a mild, woodsy climate, though.

It’s just now starting to warm up for the year, getting up into the 80s. The heat didn’t come on till just now and it’s nearly 4 AM.

An hour ago I thought of Mary being woken up to clean the dayroom with the utmost empathy.

I was glad she let me know what letter number she was up to. When she does that I know just how updated she was at the time she writes her letters to me.

I guess we have as much in common as we don’t, because I too, ask God why he would allow us to have the miserable lives we’ve had. And I ask the same question she said she did – what does life want with me? It’s not like someone else’s life depends on mine, so what’s the point? What can I really offer anyone?

I understand she still loves her family but is fed up with their crap. I still say the way to avoid it is to avoid them. If you don’t want to get struck by lightning, don’t be outside when it storms! It’s great that she’s taking a stand against her uncle. Always, always follow your heart, your head, and your gut instinct, I told her. Never be what society thinks or says she should be, or what any individual thinks or says she should be for that matter. I want to work instead of having kids not because it’s a common practice nowadays, but because it’s what I feel is best for me.

I’m surprised she’s got so much of José in her book only because while he may be a big part of her life, he’s not a big part of the case.

She was nearly in tears when I mentioned she didn’t usually send letters without drafts, so I adamantly assured her that I didn’t mean to imply anything bad when I said that. I told her she can send letters with drafts anytime she wants and reminded her that I myself don’t always send letters by themselves. I often enclose journals, pictures and typed drafts, so she shouldn’t worry about it.

Although I hope to one day see her and go to Red Lobster as she mentioned, I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever see her again regardless of what state she ends up in or we end up in, as I told her, because I hate to travel and she may not feel it’s fair to have all the traveling put on her when it came down to us seeing each other, which I’d totally understand. I don’t like to go anywhere without Tom, who would have to stay back and work, and he doesn’t like to go anywhere without me unless it was a business trip or something like that. If she did come to me, wherever I end up, the least I can do is save her from hotel expenses. She can stay with us and we’ll feed her, too.

As far as her asking me what I’d like her to do for me for typing up her book – don’t worry about it, I told her. She’s my friend, I wanted to help, and I’m sure she’d do the same for me if the tables were turned. She’s probably the sanest, most reliable, most tolerant, and most accepting friend I’ll ever have! If she someday has a writing career or some other career and she wants to hire me to work for her from wherever I live, great. If not, fine. Besides, I do like to type and it’s not like I have drafts to type every single day. I don’t think she has any concept of just how fast I can type, either! I type almost as fast as we speak. I also know that if this book does generate any money she’d give me a little something because that’s the way she is.

I wonder if she’ll be released this year or next. I don’t think they’ll send her to prison for a decade, but I still worry they’ll hit her with a lifetime of probation. She said it herself in her book, the judicial system isn’t what it used to be. If this were the 70s or even the 80s, she probably never would’ve done time.

SATURDAY, MARCH 6, 2004 Now that’s just what this wide-open place needs. Fog. Lots of it. That’ll give people privacy around here for sure. I can barely see out to the road, it’s so foggy right now.

I love this rat so much. It shocks me to say this, but he just might be even better than Little Buddy. He’s more fun. He’s so fast and playful. He really loves attention and he really loves to run around. Unlike Little Fella and Baldilocks, he runs all over the house. He and Baldilocks play all the time now, but poor Little Fella still sleeps most of the time, rarely moving from the floor of the cage. He’s very weak and he doesn’t look good at all.

FRIDAY, MARCH 5, 2004 Got my incense yesterday. The order was perfect, too. Right now I’m burning some magnolia. It’s a rather unusual yet nice fragrance.

Little Fella is hanging on by a thread like no other rodent I’ve ever had before. I think this is because I can’t undo the life spell I put on him. Most spells can’t be reversed that easily.

Still nothing from Ricki. We’re wondering if perhaps the old, incompetent biddy even remembered to contact UPS. Tom’s going to call her tomorrow.

As for the Kate doll, I decided not to bother trying to win it. Not just because I may not get her, but because they wouldn’t list how much shipping would cost, and that could’ve ended up being $20 for all we knew. Her skirt was also said to have some discoloration, and they only accepted cashier’s checks or money orders. Most importantly, we need our money right now.

We’re calling the realtor next week with or without hearing back from the bank about the forms. We don’t need them or anybody else to tell us how or when to sell our house. As far as where we’re going, my vibes are fluctuating between AZ/NV. I think we’ll be out of here on or around April 26th.

Got letters, drafts, and a Maria letter from Mary.

Tom and I agree with her – 13 is a lucky number. It saved my life, in a sense. The room number at Valleyhead from which I jumped was #13.

I thanked her for sharing her opinions, beliefs, and feelings. I agree with some and some I don’t. It’s like she said – to each their own. She doesn’t try to make me into her so that’s cool. I weigh people’s beliefs and advice in my mind. Some I take, some I leave. Because she’s one of the few who doesn’t try to change me, I don’t feel offended or pressured in any way by her sharing her thoughts with me. I believe that different things work for different people.

One of her biggest concerns - and she assured me she was only looking out for me - was my delving into witchcraft. She insists I’ll have to pay tenfold for each spell I cast, but as I told her, for someone who believes in free will, I’m surprised she’d believe we’re made to pay for things like spells we cast. After all, what’s the point of giving people the free will to do as they please if you’re just going to punish them for it? I believe we’re given free will in some areas of life and in others we’re not, as it wasn’t meant to be. Meaning, I don’t have the free will to stop the sun from rising or setting because I wasn’t meant to be doing any such thing in the first place. That’s God’s job, and I totally agree with her when she says he is the most powerful being of all.

I don’t believe I’ll be punished for any spells I cast because I don’t believe God would’ve given me the ability to do so if he was going to punish me for using it so long as I don’t abuse it. In other words, I’m not going to put a spell on UPS cuz they’re too stupid to deliver my package. I don’t believe God judges us for every little thing we do. If anything, he’d punish me a lot quicker for slapping someone back that slapped me, than he would for me putting a spell on someone who slapped me. I use my best judgment on when and who to put spells on and I haven’t been punished yet so I’d say I’m doing ok and that I don’t have to worry. It’s like how some say gays will be punished. That’s bull, I say, for if God hated gays so much that he felt the need to punish them, why do we even exist in the first place? I do believe, though, that God can be cruel, unfair and vengeful towards either particular groups of people or individuals. I also believe that what may be ok for some may not be ok for others. Maybe John Doe can get away with robbing a bank, but maybe Jane Doe can’t. Maybe God will see to it that she’s caught and punished while he lets John get off scot-free to enjoy the loot. I think he has different standards for different people and for different reasons, though what they are, we’ll probably never know.

She asked if I studied witchcraft, and as I told her, I don’t think that or psychism is something one can really study. I think it’s just something you can or can’t do, though those who can don’t always know it. Never heard of a white witch before which she says she was, but she also refused to use her powers. I didn’t know witches came in colors. See, I thought the definition of the word “witch” was someone that casts negative spells, while a psychic predicted things, saw places they’d never been, did spirit guiding, etc.

She says her family is said to be cursed for 7 generations with her kids being the final generation. I know her family and her kids are cursed. It seems a lot of families are cursed. Why, I do not know. Don’t know who does the cursing either. It could be God, the devil or something else entirely. It’s a big old mystery to me. She says she tries to pay no attention to the spirit world yet that’s another thing that’s sometimes easier said than done. Sometimes they won’t let you ignore them and you have to fight back. I think I’m managing to tame our ghost pretty darn well for the time we have left here, though. Tom and I don’t think it’s an Indian like she suggested because as he says, this particular area wasn’t inhabited by them as much. Plus, in old times they didn’t have shovels, so they were buried in shallow graves. I still think it was someone murdered on this land about 50 years ago and who may very well be buried here (pretty deep) according to what my gut and visions have told me, and she admits this could be the case, too. Either way, ignorance may be bliss, but it doesn’t change the facts, so we may as well deal with whatever life throws our way. Sometimes we wish we could pay no attention to certain things which sometimes works, but not in all cases.

I still hope that just like it did with me, her life will improve dramatically with age. I think the main reason my life has improved so much is due to having Tom in my life, getting out of the city since I’m not a people person, and cutting off my family which had a very negative, depressing and stressful effect on me.

Her aunt cut her off for speaking out about the pervert (now her cousin’s sending her money, and hopefully she won’t dump Mary eventually as well), and although she says she’s heartbroken, she also says she’s a very forgiving person and that she’s not going to dump her family, though what I say about them is true. She says she’d rather not run away and be full of hate. She wants to show them she can still achieve things, though why she’d want to prove anything to them, beats me. Walking away from an abusive family isn’t “running away” or being hateful, I told her. You don’t have to hate someone just because you don’t want anything to do with them or because you feel they’re not a good influence in your life. If a woman leaves an abusive lover, she’s not running away. She’s doing what’s best for her. However, if there’s anything I hate most in life it’s others pressuring me or telling me to do this or do that, and so I’m not about to do it to her. It’s her family and her life, I told her, so I respect that and will support her even if I don’t think she’s making the right decisions. She’s young yet, so there’s no saying how she may feel come 10 years from now. Try to know when to follow your heart and when to follow your head, I told her. That’s all we can do anyway. Meanwhile, her aunt’s daughter is sending her money. I wonder if she’d still speak out if no one else would send her money. I think she would. I hope she would.

Me personally, I never cared to stick around to show my family I could achieve this or that because their opinions of me just didn’t matter in the end. In other words, I could care less if they think I’m smart, stupid, fat, ugly, pretty, crazy, etc. I’ve gone numb where they’re concerned. I don’t hate them, I don’t like them, I don’t love them. Nor do I care if they’re happy, sad, sick, healthy, rich or poor. It’s easy to say, “I’ll stick around, but I’m not going to take their shit,” like Mary said she said in regards to her family, yet it’s another to do so because they just keep dishing it out no matter how much we try to resist it, so for me, the only way to escape it was to cut them off. Some people just don’t change. Meanwhile, we do and we gotta move on.

She says she’s a happy person who doesn’t want any negativity in her life (how can you be a happy person in jail?) and I told her that I’m happy too, and nobody wants negativity in their lives. At least no normal people do, though certain people like Tammy and Paula get off on it and the sympathy it brings them. However, as I reminded her, sometimes negativity has a way of finding us. We all struggle through hard times. It’s how we handle it that counts.

I teased her about how forgiving she says she is and told her that’s ok, you do the forgiving and I’ll hold the grudges! Just like how she likes everybody while I hate ‘em all.

When I say I’m not a forgiving person, believe me, it takes a damn good reason for me not to forgive someone and then dump them. In other words, if she came to visit and accidentally dropped and broke something of mine, I’m not going to dump her for it nor would I put a spell on her, and I told her this.

That sucks that they get them all up at 5 AM to clean the dayroom. Now that’s sheer power and spite as if having to submit to authority and be locked up away from friends and family isn’t power and punishment enough. I’m going to be up at 3 AM when it’s 5 AM her time and I know my heart will be bleeding for her, the poor girl! I’ll also be more than grateful that I’m not there with her! Except for the food, it sounds like she was happier in Estrella if she had to be either there or where she is now. I’m just glad that if I had to be framed into a jail stint it wasn’t before I got so into this incense. That’d just be one more thing I’d miss!

Incense has become my passion. She likes it, too. I told her I’d either make her some myself or show her how to dip her own.

She was also glad to hear we’re selling things, but like I told her, we’re not exactly making a fortune and we haven’t managed to get bids on the incense yet.

She wanted me to tell her the most traumatic things that have happened to me because she’s getting ready to incorporate me into her book. That’s easy. Aside from when I lived with my mother and her shit, Valleyhead was definitely my worst childhood experience. It was actually the worst experience in my entire life as she read in my auto, with Brattleboro being runner-up to it. As an adult, my hardest times were when I lived in Deerfield, then moved to the CT projects, along with the black/Mex saga and the jail they got me tossed into.

She said it was too bad I couldn’t make it to Washington and that she mentally sent me a ruby, sapphire, and diamond bowl, saying the picture’s first prize as far as she’s concerned, though as I told her, I’m not missing anything by not going to Washington. Washington doesn’t appeal to me.

She thanked me for translating Maria’s letters.

I’m glad to finally know she did get the stories. I think I’ll finish my current story, College Romance, this month, then it’s off to the long-awaited Angel Eyes. The one she said she thinks she’ll like best. It’s going to be so much fun to write! A challenge as well cuz it’s going to be so weird. Be patient, though, I told her. It could be a year or two before it’s done.

Later…

Yes! A couple of pigs got shot down in Phoenix. Rumor has it they harassed the shit out of the individual that finally got fed up and shot them and I believe it. Totally. And if it’s true, then they deserve what they got and it’ll hopefully send a message to other pigs saying, see what can happen if you let the badge go to your head and you think you’re God and you push people around? I’d have shot them myself, to tell you the truth, if half the things they were said to have done were true. Sometimes you just gotta fight back to set people straight, and if anyone needs a lesson taught to them and an example set for them, it’s those within law enforcement. Meanwhile, I haven’t an ounce of sympathy for these pigs.

The rain has stopped and Monday still can’t come fast enough. Not just because of the movie, but because that’s the day I should get the blue fairy, and to my utter shock and delight, Haiku! Yes, bright and early this morning, Ricki emailed me saying she was in touch with UPS and that I should receive the doll within a few days, though I don’t have the tracking number so I don’t know what day for sure. Finally, after fighting for this doll for over a month! Though after Ricki had to run off to Chicago, then broke a hand, then UPS lost it, I won’t count on it. Maybe I’m still not meant to have this doll no matter what. I hope I am, though. Besides, her outer box will make another good moving box, as I feel the beginning of the end is finally nearing. Monday I’ll get this place surface cleaned and pack anything I don’t want seen or touched by any unruly kids that may traipse through here.

Speaking of kids, every time I read the horrors and pain of childbirth, I thank God he spared me that much (I’m referring to when Mary had her last kid in custody). Since it’s been 7 years since I’ve wanted a cigarette and 6 since I’ve wanted a kid, I’d say it’s going to stay this way. To each their own, but I’m not missing a thing. Not the nausea, not the weight gain, not the stretch marks, not the pain, not the postpartum depression, not the expense, not the tremendous responsibilities, not the noise, not the loss of freedom, none of it. Kids are cute little sweethearts, but definitely not for me. I like my children with 4 legs and fur. Especially after all I’ve been through. When you spend so many years with no control or freedom such as I have in one way or another, it makes you want to savor life and your freedom all the more. I have been a slave to enough people, systems and rules! See, we’re not moving just to get out of the payments, we want to have something that no one can take away from us.

Anyway, the more I read, the more I see just how amazing Mary’s strength and attitude are. I couldn’t have survived half the shit she’s gone through.

We got an updated scale that goes up to 3 pounds. I was shocked to find that 7 jail papers were 1.2 oz. I thought 10 sheets were an ounce, but if she’s been getting 10 sheets through with no problem, she should stick with that amount. My blue paper is lighter than my white paper as 4 sheets of blue weigh 0.7 and 4 of the white weigh 0.8. The envelope is 0.2 and 5 sheets of blue paper in an envelope is exactly an ounce.

I’m back up to 129 because I had 2000 calories yesterday. I also decided that an hour a day of working out really isn’t doing anything for me, so I’m going to cut it in half. It’s enough to keep me in shape and I think a half-hour a day of heart rate elevation is sufficient enough. As for the extra pounds, that’ll only be lost when I can muster up the strength and willpower to eat no more than 1200 for months at a time. Until then, I will remain heavy. I don’t want to worry about that right now, though, on top of everything else we have going on. I just want to get moved first! Plus, when you’re a happy person with a loving husband, versus a child with a mother who’s always taunting you about your weight, you don’t tend to be as desperate. Priorities tend to change with age, and I still don’t think I can lose more than a few pounds anyway. If I haven’t been able to do so in a couple of years now, why would I suddenly be able to do so again no matter where we lived, what was going on, and how faithfully I stuck to the diet?

THURSDAY, MARCH 4, 2004 Still no word from Ricki so I emailed her asking if she’d heard back from UPS yet. Tom says that because they’re a business and not an individual, there’s no need to worry about getting ripped off. I just want our money back! It’s obvious I got all excited for nothing and that I’m not getting the doll, so I just want a refund.

Meanwhile, I’m going to try to win the Kate Jackson doll. The auction ends tomorrow at 9 AM which is good because then most of the people should be at work, allowing Tom or I to beat the other 5 bidders at the last minute.

The fairy hasn’t come yet because the seller didn’t ship her till Saturday. I’ll probably get her tomorrow.

I predicted that his game would sell to the Midwest at the last minute, and sure enough, it got bid on at the last minute to someone in Indiana.

We finally received a cashier’s check from the Valentine doll winner.

I also predicted the laptop would sell for between $75-$83. I was a few dollars off. It sold for $71 to someone in Florida.

It’s nice that we’re selling things, but most of it’s been selling for just a buck, and the incense and plates don’t have bids yet. I’m hoping they will by the weekend. Most people wait till it gets close to the end to place bids.

We still haven’t heard back regarding the form. This is just like the last time we moved where we were hanging in limbo just waiting, then when things finally did start happening, they happened lightning fast. I’m sure once the ball gets rolling here, it’ll be the same way. I’d like to think that God will look out for us along the way, but I don’t know if I can count on that. Look at all the people out there whose lives are in shambles or who are dead. Who looked out for them?

Tom says they’re really close to passing an amendment allowing gays in any state to marry. It’s about time. They’ve spent so much time handing out rights to certain groups of people that they forget others need their rights, too.

MONDAY, MARCH 1, 2004 I didn’t get a FedEx tracking number from Bob, so who knows for sure if my order went out today? Maybe he is holding it till he gets the grape oil to add to it.

True to vinyl nature, Dalene got here without a fight. She’s as nice and as realistic as the others. She has white nail polish instead of red and maroon like the others and wears short jeans and a skimpy halter, and she holds an American flag that matches the red/white stripes and white stars and blue background of her halter. Her heels aren’t spiked either, like the others. She’s a blue-eyed blond with shoulder-length hair. Not my type, but nice for a doll. This one’s got the nicest smile while Victoria has the nicest eyes. Karen’s face is okay, except for her nose.

Amazingly, I finally heard from Ricki who apologized for not seeing my message sooner. She said she rarely checks her messages while she’s working. She also said she’d get on UPS and let me know what they say. Tom left a message this morning, but her answering machine was screwed up.

If I don’t get the blue fairy tomorrow, Tom will play the package chase game with the seller because I’m just too sick of it myself. She’s not porcelain, though, so I don’t think there’ll be a problem.

If we don’t get the check for Valentine in a day or two, Tom will give the bitch negative feedback, though he just may do that anyway, and give it to the runner-up, assuming they’ll pay for it.

Everything that sold last night is gone except for the hat. That winner has yet to pay.

I decided to try listing a group of 4 puzzles tomorrow. If they sell, I’ll list more groups.

There’s more good Kate news. Even better than the pending release of season two, in a sense. Next Monday there’ll be a movie about their lives during the first season. I never heard of the actresses that are going to portray them (the original cast). It’s unauthorized, though, which means they can make up stuff as they go and some of it may be bullshit. I totally believe the rumors about Kate being a feisty bitch, though. I can get a good sense of people’s true nature in their acting, and her aggressiveness comes out in her acting. I never could be her girlfriend. Too much alike. Opposites really do attract, if you ask me, and I think the reason so many relationships fail isn’t just because people, in general, are assholes; they’re going for duplicates. You don’t want to be complete opposites, but being more opposite than duplicate seems to balance out better. Although I know I’m not perfect, I’m content with who and what I am, though I’d never want another me! Anyway, I believe Cheryl when she said she was intimidated by her and that she was a bully. It’s a lesbian thing, too. A lot of us can be as aggressive as most cocks are. Anyway, I’m looking way forward to the movie, even if it won’t be the greatest quality what with it coming over the air and not the satellite. Still, Monday can’t get here fast enough!

How I’d love to read anything Mary’s written to others pertaining to me. It oughta be fun and rather interesting to see if she’s saying things about me to others that she hasn’t to me directly. I’m not one to fret over what others think in the way that most people are, but I do get curious. For one, if Tom and I were suddenly the only people on the planet, I’d love to go to the homes of people I’ve known to see what they have.

Little Guy has figured out that the others aren’t going to hurt him. He even plays with them now, though Little Fella’s so weak that he can barely move. I was going to keep the spell going, but what good is keeping a pet alive that can’t do anything but lay there? I’m going to just let nature do its thing, for his sake, even if that means having to let him go.

Little Guy and Baldilocks love to run around loose, not surprisingly. I dig how Little Guy jumps up to the roof of the cage when I walk by for me to open it and pick him up. He’s definitely one of the fastest ones we’ve had. As much as I’d like him to get really big, a part of me wishes he’d stay the cute little baby he is.

I woke up to pee and was just falling back asleep when I felt the vibrations of them flying, so I’m sure I won’t sleep well tomorrow or the next day.

We’re just about finished with the bath and retreat. All that really needs to be done is just a few touch-ups in the retreat and office. If I didn’t hate freeloaders before, I do now, because pulling the tape off the bathroom was a bitch! Especially from the cabinets. All it did was rip along the way.

From what I’m learning, it seems that if I was any religion at all, I’d be Wiccan. Just like me, they like nature and animals better than people, and they practice witchcraft. Predicting the flat tire is being psychic, but what I’m going to do to this house the night before we leave will certainly be pure witchcraft. I figured that even though we’re ready to go and give up the house payments, why should whoever buys this place get to live it up in my house? The house that I put so much into. I don’t know what the ghost is going to do, but I know that I’m going to put a curse on it that’ll make its future occupants quite miserable indeed.

Anyway, you really have to be one with nature to live here and definitely to live where we’re moving. We can’t afford anything but dirt-cheap land which means it’s going to be practically on another planet. That’ll be just fine with me! When I want to open a window, I don’t want to hear people screaming outside. I want to hear trees rustling in the breeze, birds chirping, things like that.

If Bob and Jeff can read and not foul up my order, the black magic’s going to aid in the cursing ritual, and the majmua or patchouli will aid in the ritual I’ll perform as soon as we get moved to hopefully keep evil away. I don’t like to write too much of what I or. Or how I do it, I should say.

I meant it when I said that every time I can think of a reason to not like God, I can think of reasons I do like him, for he has blessed me with an ability that is not only very special and unique, but that helps compensate for some of the loss of control I’ve had when others have wronged me. It gives me a sense of power that I’ve never had before. It doesn’t mean I want to dominate and dictate the lives of others to the extent that so many do, it just means it’s better than being totally defenseless. To be able to say, “Ok, so I can’t fight back against this one who screwed me over because of this reason or that reason, I can at least make them so sick or so depressed they’ll wish they were dead,” is something that’s better than nothing.

I didn’t mean to make this entry so long. When you type nearly as fast as you talk or think, you tend to ramble on at times. I guess I’ll go work on my story while I have nothing else to do and he’s in bed.

t a tracking number from Bob. The order was shipped yesterday and is set to arrive Thursday. Since I’ll be asleep when it does, and since they’ve fouled up half of the 4 orders I’ve made so far, I left a list of the 23 fragrances for Tom so he can email them if they foul this one up.

I haven’t heard from the prison Bob since before Christmas if I’m remembering correctly. I don’t know if he’s holed up in the hospital somewhere or what, so I’ll send out a letter tomorrow.

I decided to drop Memolink altogether. I just don’t trust them. I only need about 700 points with Lucky Points which Tom and I just signed up for to get something (I think it’s a $5 Burger King certificate). When I can, I’ll order it to see if they can be trusted. This just may be the best points site yet because their site of the day is 15 points which is pretty high, and then there’s the daily trivia question for 10 points, so you can make 100 points in just 4 days without signing up for any of their offers or buying anything through them.

I never heard back from Ricki, but now we know she didn’t lie about when she shipped it. Tom now thinks that it’s sitting close to the point of origin in North Carolina with a damaged label and that they’re waiting for someone to call and inquire about it so they can know what to do with it. Either way I really, really feel like I’m not meant to have this doll, and if that’s the case I just want the money back! I’m so sick of this shit, and I swear I’ll never get another porcelain doll again that isn’t from Ashton-Drake.

As long as the vinyl dolls don’t end up with the same delivery curse as the porcelains (I’m still waiting on the blue fairy), I just may get a Kate doll after all, but not the one I had as a kid. I didn’t know this till tonight, but there are two of them. One’s from ’77 which is the one I had, and one’s from ’78. I was never impressed with the ’77 doll because it just didn’t look like her. The ’78 one, though, is pretty close and it’s got a nicer outfit, too.

Well, somebody fucked up somewhere once again, because the fruit incense I ordered doesn’t smell like the fruit I usually get, though it’s ok. Can’t blame this one on Bob, though, as he doesn’t make the oils. He has his own supplier for that. Except for the sticks and cones he dips, he basically gets supplies to sell.

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