#closest he gets is telling bobby he's dying anyway so he might as well throw himself at yellow eyes

[17yearslatewithlattes]

I would like to note that while Dean's reaction to Sam’s death was not, uh. healthy? It did not initiate a renewed revenge vendetta against Yellow Eyes, or a new one against Jake. Not as a potential alternative to selling his soul nor in addition to it. Even when Dean tells Sam what Jake did to him. He doesn’t rant against Jake, he doesn’t call him names. He says, “that kid stabbed you in the back”. That kid.

[boringlibrarianthoughts]

Spn Series Finale - and How It’s Still Destiel Endgame

 I’ve been thinking more about the finale and have finally assembled my thoughts on it.

While I understand many fans hold to “the finale wasn’t real/canon,” to me, it was because that’s what was shown on tv, so I’m attempting to come to terms with it. You don’t have to feel that way and that’s totally fine. That’s just how I feel. So, here are my very lengthy thoughts:

*keep reading below*

I’m gonna be honest and say that I have always felt 100% sure that Dean would die at the end of the show. I started watching during like season 3, and I’ve believed that from more or less the start, so I went into the finale expecting him to die. Dean’s self loathing resulted in risky behavior on his part that was definitely indicative of someone who would never reach old age. That doesn’t mean I wanted Dean to die. Quite the opposite. His character deserved a chance to break out of the vicious cycle that had damaged his entire life; I wanted to see an arc of redemption and coming to love yourself (this would have been huge given Dean’s self-hatred). I wanted to see Dean move beyond the life his father trapped him in. As far as character development goes, it actually made more sense at the end of the series for Dean to get out of hunting and live a quiet life (with Cas) and Sam to continue the hunting lifestyle (with Eileen). This is what I hoped for, but given that for some reason showrunners and writers seem to hate their audiences and want to punish them for enjoying their shows, I figured this was unlikely.

So yes, I wasn’t shocked when Dean died. As soon as I saw that friggin piece of rebar on the screen, I knew that was it. So my main issue wasn’t that Dean died (again, I didn’t want that at all, but I knew it was coming), but what happened during the death scene. Like, I get that now without Chuck keeping them alive to entertain himself and Jack deciding to be totally hands off, the odds of Dean or Sam dying accidentally would increase exponentially. So yes, I could even cope with the rebar death (I know, I know).

What actually bothered me about the death scene was how Dean’s death is made completely about Sam. Wtf? Like, it seems the indication is that Dean’s death is a noble sacrifice for Sam to be happy. 

I don’t like that.

While the first few years of the show focus on the tension between Sam and Dean and the struggles of family, it eventually moves past this (thank goodness, too). Their relationship becomes more or less settled and they are comfortable with their brotherly bond and no longer feel angry or bitter about it for the most part. That was satisfying to see. Instead, the focus shifted to other relationships. Sam would have girlfriends, a fun relationship with Rowena, and learn to trust himself more and grow into a leadership role. Dean would struggle with himself rather than his brother, but he would learn to develop friendships and grow closer to Castiel. The brothers were no longer codependent.

Dean’s death did a complete 180 and shifted back to the pathetic codependency of the early seasons. Dean saying his life was always about Sam blah blah blah was gross and a mean thing for the showrunners to make Ackles perform. Dean and Sam had outgrown this period of their lives. Reverting to it was out of character for Dean.

Now, I am certain this was done to “bookend” the show. Have the relationship between Sam and Dean go back to the way it was in the beginning - and this could be done since every other character was written out of the finale. There was no one left for them to care about anymore except each other. I think that if the show had ended like this around like season 5, it would have fit fine. Dean and Sam’s relationship was sadly like this, and Dean felt he had no worth beyond what he could do for Sam. 

HOWEVER - the show has been on for 15 freakin seasons. A lot will change during that time. During the last 3 seasons of the show (at least) the main relationship in Dean’s life was that with Cas, not with Sam. Whether you believe the relationship between Dean and Cas was platonic or romantic, you can’t deny that Dean valued Cas very, very highly and loved him in some way. To me, it seems pretty straightforward that Dean had been actively trying to repress romantic feelings for Castiel for the last couple years of the show but whatever.

Dean’s speech during his death was out of character. And yes, as others have pointed out, Sam definitely could have done SOMETHING to keep Dean alive.

Here’s where I think his feelings for Cas were suggested in the episode (as an aside, I genuinely think that the COVID delay allowed for some... nervousness on the part of showrunners or whoever regarding Dean and Castiel’s relationship being explicitly romantic, and the tonal shift of the last two episodes is the result of that). Dean wanted to give up and die. He didn’t fight. Sam had been trained by the best witch around (Rowena) and surely could have come up with something. Call the friggin ambulance. Do the vampire reversal thing y’all have mentioned. DEAN DIDN’T WANT ANY OF IT. Now, we’ve seen before that Dean becomes suicidal when Cas is dead. I think this is a continuation of that theme. By killing Cas and then not bringing him back, the writers created a situation where Dean had literally nothing to live for anymore. And that’s really sad. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be so attached to fictional characters (whatever), but I really care about Sam, Dean, and Cas. I wanted them all to be happy after all the crap they’ve been through.

Dean’s closest companion was taken from him in a really, really awful way that would doubtless be traumatizing for Dean. He would likely feel intensely guilty about Castiel’s death and that he didn’t tell Cas how he felt (however, it’s clear Dean’s actual response to Cas’ love declaration was cut, so who knows what happened there - I wrote another lengthy post about that, actually). 

I think Dean’s death happened a couple years after they defeated Chuck - the montage in the beginning of 15x20 represents that. Dean didn’t literally die on the very next hunt. However, a couple years still is not a long time, and doubtless Dean would have spent that time struggling with the idea that he couldn’t save Cas no matter what he did. That’s terrible. Who knows what he might have tried during that time to bring him back from The Empty, and the thought of him fruitlessly working toward that before finally giving up and having to live with the finality of Castiel’s death is really depressing. Of course, he wouldn’t know that Cas wasn’t even in the frickin Empty anymore because Jack pulled him out, which makes it even more sad. Now, I’ve seen some people wondering why Cas wouldn’t come back to Dean... it seems pretty clear to me that when Jack said he would be hands off, he meant the forces of heaven in general. That means Cas would be in heaven working to improve it and not be able to leave or communicate with Dean and Sam.

So Dean dies, alone in life and likely still feeling like he’s a failure. Not cool, Spn writers. The best we can assume is that he took Cas’ speech to heart and was trying to be a better version of himself (as shown by being merciful to Chuck).

Then he ends up in heaven where he’s greeted by Bobby (and not Cas - remember Becky’s little Funko POPs display of Dean and Castiel together in front of The Roadhouse? I think that was the initial plan before someone got cold feet). Anyway, I really think someone involved with this show was honestly trying to throw us a bone with the Dean/Bobby conversation. 

Bobby points out that Heaven is basically like living a normal life again and not just reliving your memories because Jack rebuilt it.

Bobby says Heaven is now “What it always should’ve been. Everyone happy, everyone together,” then mentions some side characters (no one too important so we wouldn’t ask why the actor wasn’t in the episode) and Dean’s parents being nearby.

Now, I totally get the John Winchester hate (he’s abusive, no way around it), but I think Dean had always dreamed of getting to know his parents in a good way and not the way life on earth had been. This is giving him that chance.

Then, this is the big line to me.

Bobby: “It ain’t just heaven, Dean. It’s the heaven you deserve. And we’ve been waiting for ya.”

This is everyone’s shared heaven now, not just Dean reliving some memory. This is everyone’s heaven. And yet, Bobby emphasizes that Dean is the focus of this. Dean. Dean was the motivation for this new heaven - the kind of heaven that Dean deserves and ought to have and everyone has been waiting for Dean to be there to enjoy it. Why? Frickin why? “Why,” I asked myself upon watching this episode live. Sure, Jack loved Dean and wanted Dean to love him back, but that seems weird for Jack to do this for Dean.

And then Bobby explains what actually went down.

Dean: “So Jack did all that?”

Bobby pauses and says meaningfully: “Well, Cas helped.” He looks meaningfully over at Dean and then raises his eyebrows suggestively. This is a hella weird response if you take it as anything other than an indication of a (future) romantic relationship between Dean and Cas. Castiel, as Jack’s adoptive father, would have helped, guided, and advised Jack on what to do, and Cas’ motivation for all of this would be to prepare a heaven for Dean that would make him happy. That’s an incredibly loving gesture. Like, Cas is really into Dean.

Likely, Bobby has learned things he didn’t know during his mortal life. He doubtless has either learned or inferred that Castiel and Dean love each other. If Dean didn’t love Cas back, Bobby would not have mentioned his being in Heaven so suggestively. If someone wiggled their eyebrows about my bestie being nearby, I’d be weirded out because I’m not into my bestie in that way lol. I’m into my husband, who is my romantic partner. Seeing Cas busily working to improve Heaven with Dean in mind would be a dead giveaway to Bobby about what was going on between the two of them.

Dean’s smile in response to hearing this is honestly how I smile when I think about something that makes me happy but I don’t want anyone else to know about. And that’s how I think Dean is reacting.

Next, Dean drives around. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a montage of time passing for him and he doesn’t literally just drive nonstop or if it’s really just a little while in Heaven time before Sam shows up.

Now why wouldn’t Cas appear? Well, couple reasons. Firstly, it would’ve been “too gay” for the higher ups involved in the finale. There really wasn’t a non-gay way to reunite them. I think this is ultimately why Collins wasn’t in the episode.

As far as the in-show story, I think it makes sense for Castiel to be a little shy of Dean. I mean, he did confess his undying love for the man assuming he would never have to face Dean again. Castiel didn’t know Jack would resurrect him. He was literally like “ok, I love you, sorry, gotta go die now.” Now he’s got Dean in Heaven with him for eternity. There’s no rush for them to meet up again. I think Dean would want the resolution of knowing his whole family is in Heaven again, and it makes sense that Castiel would be bashfully hiding in a corner until Dean called him. Then once they met up, it’d probably be some messy making out and pure joy at being together again (sorry not sorry lol). I really think that was supposed to be our takeaway from this finale regarding Dean and Cas’ relationship. Was it ideal? No, but I do think there was something.

Some other thoughts: Eileen was perfect for Sam and not explicitly showing them together was a major cop-out. I think that because Padalecki had a new show coming out on the same network, they didn’t want to show Sam settled with a specific woman thinking “oh we want the fangirls to imagine they could be with Sam” which is dumb but probably their line of thinking. This also explains Sam’s totally random and unnecessary shirtless shot in the finale. I’ve known these characters for so long and care about them and that shot was like seeing your brother naked. No thanks.

I think this also explains the choice to revert to Sam being the main character and Dean’s only focus in the end. That’s how the show started out, and it makes sense from a marketing standpoint to emphasize Padalecki’s performance.

Anyway, I’ve probably left something out that I planned on including, but this is already crazy long lol. So there you have it - I finally wrote down my thoughts on a finale that aired 3 months ago. I’m clearly on top of everything.

Plus, I feel pretty confident they will do a mini reunion series within a few years, so hopefully some of these issues will be corrected before too long lol.

[desiredposion]

2.1 In My Time of Dying

(AN: this is from my barely updated SPN book on wattpad called Idjits so excuse the mess. also i know it isn’t the greatest but i wanted to get into a bit of writing so oh well)

2.1

Hey Ry, it's me Sam. Listen there was this accident and I... well... it's Dean. They don't think he's gonna make it. Could you please just call me back? We need you.

The voice message sent panic flooding through the young girls system. Thoughts that her brother might die and she wasn't with him without the chance to say goodbye. Throwing on random clothes that were scattered across the floor, she scrambled down the rickety old stairs.

"Took you long enough kid, now lets go we've got to pick up the Impala before some junky sees the type of mojo your brothers are packing." Bobby says, keys in hand walking towards the front door grabbing his jacket on the way out. Running after him practically ripping the jacket of the hook, breathing heavy with fear. She spent the entire drive head against the window and tear-filled eyes though she'd never let Bobby or anyone else see them, not because she didn't want to seem weak in front of the Uncle figure but because the tears where for Dean and Dean wouldn't want his sister to cry for him.

"Pick your chin up and wipe your eyes sunshine, we're almost there." Waking up from her reverie she did exactly what he said looking in the cracked sun visor mirror. "Deep breath and a brave face princess."

Getting out of the truck Riley made eye contact with Sam but quickly diverted them to the clouds which at the moment were much more interesting. As the boys made small talk she found herself having to block out the details of the crash as to not start crying again.

"Oh man, Dean's gonna be pissed."

"Look Sam, this... this ain't worth a tow. I say we empty the trunk, sell the rest for scrap." Bobby said lightly shaking his head.

"No Bobby. Dean would kill you if that happened. When he gets better, he's gonna want to fix it."

"There's nothing to fix Ry. The frames a pretzel, and the engine's ruined. There's barely any parts worth salvaging" the older man said with a heavy sigh.

"Listen to me Bobby. If there's even one working part, that's enough. We're not gonna give up on him!" Sam states bringing notice to the fact that this car represents everything Dean is. A little broken but ultimately fix-able with just a little tender loving care.

"Okay. You got it." The older said quietly as he looked upon the two younger Winchester siblings who subconsciously moved closer together during their time of talking, allowing for this moment to tug at his cold (but not really) heart.

"Here, uhm, John asked for you to get this stuff for him." Sam said holding a piece of paper to Bobby.

"What does Da...John. What does John want with this?" Riley asked looking over Bobby's shoulder and taking special note of all the carefully chosen items on the list.

"Protection from the demon?" He shrugged, "what?"

"Nothing, it's just uhm..." she trail off trying to find the right words and sharing a look with Bobby.

"Riley? Bobby? What's going on?"

----------

"So are you at least going to tell me her name?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on Sam" Riley sighed from the passenger seat of a probably stolen car, "I may be young but I am not stupid."

"Hey I never said you were stupid! But there is no girl." Although the younger sibling had caught  the underlying sadness in his voice.

"Maybe not now, but there was someone wasn't there?"

"No! No there wasn't... when did you get to be so smart?" Sam sighed feeling a little defeated

"High School tends to do that to a person" she joked. "No, I can just tell. The same way I knew about Mary before John told me, and the same goes for Bobby. It takes a little piece of your heart and there's something about that that leaves a mark, maybe not everyone can see it but it's there and well I'm here for you Sammy."

"Thank you Riley, that means alot to me really." He said taking his eyes off the road for a second to glance at his sister in admiration "now do you want to hear about the time I had to rescue Dean's ass from a Pagan God?"

"OMG tell me!"

----------

Sam marches into the hospital duffle bag slung over his shoulder and Riley hot on his trail nervous about the upcoming storm between her brother and father.

"You don't have to stay with me Ry, go see Dean make your peace."

"Dean's not going anywhere Sam, I wont let him die!" Sam sighed, feeling an overwhelming urge to protect his sister from the harsh reality of Dean's condition.

"Yeah okay, just go see him please? It'll make him feel better."

Riley sighed but nodded anyway following his directions to their brothers room. Ignoring the calls made by her father and the loud angry talking that always seemed to present whenever Sam talked to John,  she soon found herself standing in the doorway of Dean's room.

"I guess I'll start the conversation then," Riley lamely joked, taking a seat next to the hospital bed "okay tough crowd."

"You know I never got why people always sit and pour their hearts out to a person who can't even hear them, like why can't they just say those things when the person is awake and healthy? You should know Dean I never kept my thoughts and feelings to myself, I guess that's why he got rid of me wasn't it? Did he ever even tell you guys why I had to go away or was that another of his many secrets? I guess it was because he couldn't decide,  I wasn't his perfect little solider so I was of no use to him; yet he just wanted to keep me safe and protect me like he couldn't protect your mother or mine."

The girl slouched further into the chair picking at the loose stitching of her jacket. "I shouldn't be complaining to you about all of this, hell Bobby's heard enough of it." The awkward laugh and frown that adorned her teary face was enough to make the heart of Dean's spirit drop to the pit of his stomach.

They weren't the closest of siblings, John had made sure that they wouldn't get to attached during their times together, didn't want Dean to be distracted during hunts with thoughts of his brother and sister. Riley was at one point John's pride and joy keeping her safe was always his number one priority.

"I mean don't get me wrong, I see why he did it but I just wish things could've been different, you know? But Dean you've gotta pull through I still love you, I still need you!" It was almost as if her words had flipped a switch when Dean's heart monitor starting going crazy and Riley doesn't think she has ever been as scared in her entire life.

The screaming from the broken girl and the beeping from the hospital machines alerted nurses and soon there was people surrounding Dean trying to resuscitate him. A sobbing Riley was quickly pulled into her brother, Sam's arms which proved pointless to try and escape from. The girl could barely hear the chorus of 'no's' and 'it's okays' that escaped his lips as she buried her head in his chest allowing her emotions to take over her body.

After what felt like years but would've only been seconds the monitor slows and the room goes quite. The room lets out a collective sigh of relief when the Nurse says "We have a pulse. We're back to sinus rhythm."

Still Riley doesn't let go of her lifeline.

----------

It was a while after Dean's near death incident when Riley finally found herself able to walk out of his room without having a panic attack. The young Winchester had found herself trying to wash away dried tears from her cheeks, unable to remove the redness or puffiness that seemed to be a permanent addition to her once bright eyes. A knock at the door startled her before calling out "I'll be done in a minute." The knocking came again this time more loud and insistent, "I said I'll be done in a minute!"

"Riley it's me Sam, come on I found something that might help." Riley was quick to rip open the door separating them looking to the man in front of her in eager suspense. Sam was clutching a brown paper bag tightly in his arms making the smaller girl look at him in confusion, before she could utter a word however Sam was quick to walk the short distance to  Deans room murmuring a quick 'don't ask' before stepping in and urging her to hurry up and close the door. Riley does what he asked checking the hallways to see if anyone was following or watching them, a quick glance to the hospital bed proves the Dean was still in his unconscious state much to her dismay. A sigh left her lips seeing Sam take a seat on the floor pulling out a rectangular box labelled 'Mystical Talking Board' setting it up whilst muttering to himself.

"An Ouija board? Really Sam?"

"Cut the crap just sit down and trust me."

Throwing her hands up in slight frustration Riley sat down next to him, placing her hands on the triangular pointer in the middle of the board "You know this is a stupid hoax thing right? What is this even for? Dean is in a coma not the... other option."

"Riley just shush for a moment. Dean? Dean are you there?" The room goes quite and Riley slowly raises her eyebrows at her brother, however before she can let off another smart comment she feels her her hand, or more specifically the planchette move towards the word yes. A gasp left the Winchesters lips eyes staring at the blank space across from where Sam was sitting.

"It's good to hear from you man, hasn't been the same without you." He laughs shoulders slumping in relief, looking at Riley with the faintest hint of a smirk playing at his lips at her shocked expression.

"Did you move that to mess with me?" She asks voice wobbling her sunken eyes blown wide. Trembling hands made for unstable fingers and the planchette moved again, Riley was scared that she was unconsciously moving it but was quick to think different when it starting sliding over particular letters of the displayed alphabet.

"Dean what? H. U. Hunt? Hunting?" Riley shrugs her shoulders at Same who looked at her as though she held the answers "are you hunting?" The planchette moves to the 'yes'. "What are hunting? Do you know what it is? What is it?"

"One question at a time Sam, you know how this works,"

R. E. A. P.

"a reaper? Dean is it after you?"

'yes'

"Sam if it's here naturally you know there is no way to stop it."

"There has to be a way Riley, how do you even know about all this you haven't been hunting with Bobby have you?"

"You can't kill death Sam and no I haven't but that doesn't mean I can't keep reading lore and learning how to protect myself." Her tone was defensive, ready to defend herself and her Uncle for how she was raised.

"You're right. You should know how to protect yourself, but you should also know how to protect others and that's what I'm trying to do here. Protect Dean. There's gotta be a way... Dad'll know." Sam trials off towards the end before putting his plan action and running off down the hallway to where presumably John's room was located. Leaving Riley to clean up his mess she calls for Dean one more time.

"Are you still there Dean?"

'yes'

"I love you and I'm sorry about how I acted back at Bobby's house. Stay safe okay?"

'yes'

A smile graces her lips before she closes the board and packs it away hiding the box from sight just as a nurse enters to check up on the Winchester siblings.

----------

Riley leaves the room to give the brothers some time together she finds herself in front of a vending machine down the hall, after almost losing her food to the faulty snack machine Riley slumps into one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs feeling the weight of the last few hours catch up on her body.

Feeling a presence sit in the chair directly next to her, Riley lifts her head and opens her eyes to get a glance at the feet of the foreign body and the empty row of chairs they could've occupied instead of the one right next to her. A deep sigh both their lips at seemingly the same time as an awkward silence surrounded them, "Riley please look at me" the voice pleaded giving away their identity.

"Whats there to say?"

"Riley... look I'm, I'm just sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen or for us to get to this point." John was now facing his body towards that of the young girls ducking his head to try and look in her eyes.

"Yeah but it did, and you can't take it back," she replied more tears beginning to well up in her eyes, "and I wish I didn't still have to feel the hurt of that day but I do and I'm sorry that I couldn't just be the perfect daughter that you asked for. But I am not a soldier John and it was unfair that you put me through that, that you put those boys through it. I found a place that I can fit in with all of this mess but god it really sucked finding out that everything you were taught to believe is a lie. You can't just give me a family then rip it out from under me dad!"

The older man felt his heart shattering at her words, the first time she has called him that in years and it screams pain. It was no secret to the Winchester family that Riley was not biologically related, more so adopted by John after failing to protect the young ones mother from a horrible vampire attack. Her dad being turned then released home much to the nest amusement. John had spent a few days with the mother and daughter duo trying to track down her husbands whereabouts and in the mean time finding a little soft spot for then 3 year old. Riley always knew that something had taken her parents away and John had told her that they were military and had died in action, but one night not long before Sam ended up leaving for Stanford the youngest of the Winchesters was allowed on a small werewolf hunt with her family instead of being cooped up in a motel room. Everything was pretty cut and dry until Riley got hurt and John freaked out spilling what happened to her real parents on the way to Bobby's house were she was left to 'heal' as they dealt with the rest of the pack.

Although John never came back to get her and Riley was left to deal with the grief of losing two sets of family in one day. Although Riley forgives him for what happened to her mother and father, shes finding it hard to forgive him for just leaving her when he got scared.

"I'm so sorry Riley, I just got so so scared. I couldn't imagine reliving that pain again, I love you. No matter what you are my daughter and I will always love you, but Riley I need you to forgive me and understand that I just couldn't bare to see you hurt. I'm so sorry squirt." John's voice broke as he spoke and Riley couldn't find it in her to hold a grudge against him anymore. Launching herself into her fathers arms it was although the bond between the two broken hearts were finally repairing. Images of hope for the future swarmed Riley's brain as unbeknownst to her a father was holding his daughter for the last time. "I love you Riley Winchester."

"I love you too Dad, I love you too."

----------

Riley left with Sam to get to John a cup of coffee whilst he talked to Dean, Riley could hardly believed that he just healed in a blink of an eye. "So just like that then?"

"Yeah just like that, I mean any internal contusions are healed, the edema's vanished and his vitals are strong other then a few bumps and bruises its almost like nothing had ever happened in the first place. I got to say Ry whatever happened, whatever did this they're really looking out for Dean."

"Yeah I guess so. Hey I'm just going to go give Bobby a heads up, say hi to Dean then I'll meet you back in Dad's room okay?" After receiving a brief head nod and a pat on the back from her brother, Riley found herself standing by a window looking out at the clear skies and green grass a sense of comfort washing over her. Dishing her old phone out of her pocket she dialed the number she had remembered off by heart within the first month of living with the older man.

"Hey Bobby, yeah we're okay... Dean's better now... yes I'm fine to. Hey Bobby? I talked to him... yeah I think we're better now... no I didn't forget that he just up and left me, but I do understand why he did what he did... okay, thank you Bobby. If it's all the same to you I'd still like to live with you tho... Thank you Uncle... I'll be sure to tell him that." The smile that had plastered itself onto Riley's face was faltering when she saw a bunch of nurses run past her and down the hall, curiosity got the best of her as she slowly made her way in their direction, heart plummeting when she noticed it was John's room. She didn't even hang up on Bobby as she approached the doorway near her brothers.

"Still no pulse." A nurse said directing her sentence to the crowd of colleges surrounding her fathers body. "Okay that's it everybody." A doctor said stopping chest compression, "I'll call it. Time of death: 10:41 a.m." Just like that Riley's world stopped for the second time that day.

"Dad?"

feedback is always appreciated xx