#clinical zoanthrope positivity

[otherkyn]

I got "reality checked" the other day.

I was told that I'm not actually a non-human animal, and instead, I'm just a human animal.

What frustrates me is that I'm starting to believe their words. Am I really just a "delusional" human, rather than nonhuman?

I feel so lost and empty with being told I'm not nonhuman. I'm not sure if it counts as reality checking, as I feel like I just am not human at all, I just appear to be.

I find I don't feel nonhuman enough because I am not fully nonhuman physically. I have some "human" in me, however, the inside of me is nonhuman. I have nonhuman blood and DNA, for example. My ears also are bat ears, a nod to my hoary bat genetics.

But because I don't have digitigrade legs, a genuine muzzle, that much fur, etc. I just don't feel like I am nonhuman enough.

I was also told that I couldn't be a bat because I do not eat insects, and I do not have wings. I may not look like a bat, but I am one, regardless. I explained to them that I didn't consider myself a therian, even though, I guess, I'd fit into that category. And I don't like to call myself a clinical zoanthrope either, as I don't feel as though I'm "animal enough" to even consider it such, and I don't really like considering these beliefs delusions. I don't want to really claim something potentially schizospec when it isn't in reality.

I'm starting to believe them, and that's what terrifies me. I've been a bit afraid of my nonhuman tendencies and thoughts recently because of what they told me. Is it wrong? Are these feelings bad? Am I just a human with a case of a delusion? All of these things are rampaging through my mind right now. I get worried that I'm losing control of myself, or that something is genuinely wrong and I'm just wrong about what I am. I've had moments where I've disliked my nonhumanity, where before I was neutral about it and sometimes found it quite positive for me. Now, I'm stressed about it potentially meaning I'm a danger to myself or others, even though I don't believe I've hurt anyone by being nonhuman. I just simply am. :(

The thing is, I can't shake this innate feeling of being a maned wolf. I just am a maned wolf, that's it. Same with being a bat. I don't do what most bats do at all, but I am still a bat, even though I appear outwardly human to other humans. Simple as that, at least it is to me.

It's like I'm having some sort of identity crisis all over again. What am I really? Is my brain once again playing tricks on me, have I convinced myself of something that isn't real, or am I genuinely nonhuman, and I've been right all along, and because I'm different, humans don't understand and tend to go along with the "you're delusional" route because of my condition?

I wish I could know myself. It's very difficult to feel secure with myself if I'm being told that I'm wrong about myself.

[collie-horse]

Hate not knowing if people around me really have seen the real me , if they know an not say anything. When they look at me as if so see canine or equine. As foal would tell them all time that was horse. That my dam left me here and I was waiting for her come back. Not sure if they think was just silly kid thing or if they knew wasn't just being silly or playing,or if they know that never stop knowing what am. And not sure when figured out being dog, wolf dog is more recent know sometime last year. Think last year was when fully understanding that I'm not therian that I actually fully not human,bones and organs and brain and blood and all not one bit human. Last year or year before was what thought was first transformation,but from memories have figured out that's not true and was transforming since was born but memory issues make hard remember and self repressed memory of transformations. Now days I not force self out of transform and am always some way transform. Know that if this really is delusion that no medicine or reality check or therapy is going change this. But I really don't think is delusion. Sometimes get moments of thinking what if this is delusion what if really am clinical zoanthrope especially with wolf dog calupoh me, but that feels so wrong weird self is truly not human not in any way and never was. Do wonder if when go back psychologist soon if should tell about my being physically not and being clicker/zombie. Though know that probably going be put on higher dose antipsychotic. Before lose all insurance stuff was put on low dose antipsychotic and at day before yesterday doctor appointment the doctor mentioned should go back psych and go back on anxiety meds and antipsychotic med and because going have to sign medical rights stuff to mom I'm worried she will force me be on bigger dose antipsychotic if did tell about non-human stuff. Feel like might be helpful with zombie stuff, other delusion and hallucinations maybe but even though those cause lot distress lot emotion, all that is part of who am and who always been and don't want them gone, don't want stop seeing spooks cat and question dog. Don't want stop being dead zombie clicker thing. Don't want stop being wolfdog. Don't want change being angel thing. Som many not want change things more than just those examples. Don't want change self so humans comfortable. Do wish negative symptoms could be helped but positive symptoms don't want taken away those always been apart me