#clingy natin pero friends lang tayo ew

[seannesruins]

28-29.08.24 | BGC

Things we planned the night we met up

Planned to watch Love Child because we were not able to catch its screening in this year's Cinemalaya run. Because I still have work to do on that day, she agreed to watch in a cinema near my place. Last full show is at 2020H in Market! Market! The movie was nice although I'd rate it a fair 2.5/5 because some of the dialogues were really cringey, add to it the ending that felt short. But as a sister of a child with CP, the story felt close to my heart. Will probably make a review on another post if sinipag ako haha.

Planned to have early dinner. Earlier that day, she asked if I want to have dinner first before the screening so I agreed but told her that I have limited time lang since my work will end at 5pm and will need an hour to get ready. We met at Central Square around 1840H and had dinner in Va Bene. I haven't been here in a while and I am pleased that the pasta remains top notch. I had Pomodoro while she had Mushroom Truffle, then we shared an arugula salad which I really liked but she was not a fan of because mapait daw lol.

Things we did not plan the night we met up

Unplanned twinning. She laughed when she saw me because we were both wearing gray long sleeved shirts and black jeans. It was a wise decision not to wear my white converse (because I know we were going to walk a lot so I wore my Nike running shoes.) otherwise, we were gonna match as well. lol.

Unplanned coffee after movie. The movie ended around 2200H and we walked a couple blocks from Market! Market! to Pocofino in 5th ave. We had Iced Pocofino Latte as it is a best seller daw. Pretty disappointed though because it was a little too sweet for our preference. Around 2am, there was less crowd so we were able to take a few photos and they came out really cute. We left after because the cafe gets busier by the hour.

Unplanned walk around BGC. We went to Mcdonald's in BGC Stopover but sat by the benches in front because we were still full from dinner and already had coffee. There was a drunk girl being ushered by her friend to a grab car and she jokingly asked if I had ever been that drunk before. Told her I was the friend that ushers people into their rides lol.

Unplanned walk in the park. The crowd is starting to fill in so we walked towards Burgos Circle because it's one of the places I know that doesn't have much people at the wee hours of the morning. There were already a few people having their morning jog as it was already past 4am. Sat there with her until the skies turned from dark to light.

Unplanned breakfast. At around 0700H we decided to walk around a bit more because we haven't finished our conversation. Luckily, the Pancake House on 31st is already open so we had breakfast.

Unplanned PDA. Idk when it started or who initiated but for the past 5x that we met up, she has always been mindful with proximity because I have stated my aversion with physical contact. However, at Pocofino our fingers were touching and when we left the cafe, our hands were clasped together. Even leaned in and hugged at Pancake House. Idk what's happening. Help.

Unplanned confession hour. As someone who overthinks and overanalyzes things, I brought up the topic of our "friendship." You see, we met online in March 2023, back when I was grieving for a recently ended relationship and while that interaction was brief, it brought comfort. A few months later, in June, she messaged me again to see how I was doing and we have been in contact since. She was there on my drunk nights, on my unemployed nights, and even when I decided to date again and got into another relationship (that one ended a month and a half ago.) We finally met in person last June, then celebrated our birthdays together. (As I was dumped a week before my birthday.) and has been talking everyday since then.

I know it's too early, too soon, and just had to open the conversation about it. She said that she had always wanted me in her life but she isn't sure if we should take our relationship to another level because it might ruin our "friendship". She did make a lot of points but I'd say it's not much of a clarity so I told her that we might need to set some boundaries. She agreed then asked if I want to watch Mula sa Buwan this Sunday, September 1st. Hahahaha. Idk. All I know is I enjoy spending time with her but I am aware that I need more time on my own, especially since I have only been single for a month. Not closing any doors, but also not pursuing anything in the meantime. I just hope she stay in my life for a long time.

[ohsnapitssam]

To my almost. :)

It was 2016 when I first had a connection with you. First year tayo non, second semester. Naghahanap ako ng HYDRO Tickets para sa mga friends ko and I saw you posted in a freshie group na you were selling. Nag chat ako sayo sabi ko im interested and pinareserve ko muna. Pero in the end hindi ko na nabili kasi hindi naman kami tutuloy and nabenta mo naman na sa iba. And ayon. we became internet friends. And I was so mesmerized by your appearance, grabe. Hindi ka naman yung typical guy na kapogian and make girls and other gay guys drool or scream. Pero one thing that made me look back is your awesome personality. Yung usapan natin sa chat, I felt very comfortable even though hindi pa tayo nagkikita personally bale virtually crush palang kita non. 

Figure 1.0 First pic na sinend mo sakin. HAHAHAHAHA

Figure 1.1 2016 palang hubadero ka na pota ka HAHAHAHHA

Tapos diba umamin ako sayo non na crush kita tapos sabi mo may boyfriend ka na, w/c is Sid, i said okay and I bypassed this feelings and moved on. (Really?) Tapos ayun magkausap padin tayo through random times. FB, Twitter, texts, calls, etc. Sobrang comfortable talaga ng feeling kapag kausap ka araw-araw.

Figure 1.2 Ito yung unang picture mo na sinave ko sa phone ko non na ACER na bulok HAHAHA. Ito din yung picture na gamit ko sa images ng Messages sa phone ko. :) (Fresh mo pa jan teh)

When First sem starts again second year na tayo non. Hindi parin kita nakikita. Sinabihan mo pa akong cute nung napanood mo ako sa Wish Ko Lang nung segment nung bulag na student sa COC tapos nakita mo ko don lol sabi mo cute ako well ako na to char. Taposl COC Week came, Amazing Race. Blue Team ako non ikaw Green Team. We first interact each other sa main. Naka braid pa buhok mo non and you yelled my name and gave me that sweet smile. I was hardstuck to where I’m standing from that time. Tapos last kami nakatapos ng mga leg don then when we head back to COC andun ka nakatayo sa may puno kina ate Lourdes. Tinawag moko then you hold my hand. I smiled. :) It was the first time we hold hands and I was shocked that time lol pero masaya naman. Then after the event tinext mo ko non e di ko alam kung about saan basta nagtext text tayo non habang nasa byahe ako lol. Tapos palagi kong sinasabi kay ate Jess yung about sayo and kung gaano kita ka crush non that time kasi siya lang kausap ko non nung newbie palang ako 

Then everything was fun and awesome ok ok sige friends tayo and all casual lang na paguusap and everything then there’s this day na sabay sabay tayong kumain apat nila Ally and Brit kina ate Lourdes ayun na ata yung last na interaction natin nung 2016 idk, may mga times na nagkikita tayo sa lobby habang nagtetraining kami. 

2017, sumali kayo ni Ally sa pep, Natuwa na ako na sumali si Ally sa pep kasi someone close to you joined edi nasa isip ko shet, si Jeremy palagi na manonood samin kasi nandito na si Ally, tapos kinabukasan malalaman ko sasali ka na ring dishuta ka HAHAHAHA edi mas natuwa naman ako pero syempre lowkey kilig lang ako :(( Nung sumali ka, syempre di mo alam gagawin mo, tanga ka pa non e. Lol edi nagpaturo ka sa mga seniors namin kina Jess Alex ng mga ganap natin sa squad. Tapos nakasama ka na din don sa BPOlympics tapos binilhan mo pa ako ng donut surprise mo daw sakin sabi ni Jarem, yung mukhang aso na donut pero hindi ko na mamukhaan kasi pinipi niyo na ata. HAHAHA. Super kilig ako non kasi wala lang I love surprises. Tapos ayon, time came when something is happening between you and Jarem and naconfirm lang naming lahat after compet kasi medyo tinatago niyo pa during cheer season. The moment I knew na something is between you two, i said to myself. okay sige. No grudge, I was happy pa nga for the both of you, really, i am! :) It’s kust na very wrong timing lang talaga tayo and siguro mabagal din ako??? I think. Lol nevertheless, i was happy and shipping you both that time. Secretly and lowkey loving you from afar. Ew. And we were still pretty close since then. and even start kissing on the lips like very damn day we meet and parang wala lang sating dalawa. Just like a friendly gesture. Ganun. And I think sakin mo lang ginagawa and kay Kenji ang pagiging kisser mo? Ewan ko.  

2 years passed. 2019. It was still okay, yea keeping things flowy and whatsoever. Then on the second half of the year starting from July, I find out na medyo hindi na kayo okay ni Jarem. Sabi ko, “Anong nangyayari sa dalawa? Issues came up, a lot of things going on inside and outside social media, I know some of it but many of them, no because I’m keeping myself away from being involved. Tapos ayun nga, medyo hindi na kayo okay. Tapos palaging naggagala, staying late hours in Cubao, nag chi-chilltop every after weeks even after training days sa pep. Overnight everywhere, talking about stuff, and i mean EVERYTHING kind of stuff. 

Figure 1.3 Wala lang ang cute natin dito so hehehe 

Tapos ayun lets jump to this October after compet nung uminom tayo sa Chilltop Lacson to celebrate/mourn our loss sa PUP CLC, naalala ko non we are on the same line of seats pero we are one seat apart nakapagitna kasi satin si Ning, tapos nag CR sila ni Jarem so the seats are vacant and you decided na tumabi sakin. Then during the party you are just so so so sweet and clingy ang dami mong sinasabi sakin na about sa future ko na I’ll do great things and saying that you love me so much makes me feel like, putangina yung puso ko sasabog na sa mga pinagsasabi nitong katabi ko. GANON TALAGA YUNG FEELING, MY MINE! Tapos you are kissing me rin in random times which makes my butterflies in my stomach smother around even harder. Then nung natapos na tayo sobrang bagsak ka na non pota sakin ka pa nagpabuhat sobrang bigat mo, my mine :((( Sabi pa sakin nung katabi nating table non kasi nakasabay natin sila pauwi. “Ingatan mo baby mo ha sweet niyo kanina”. Natawa nalang ako tapos buhat buhat parin ktia non. Bwiset ka. Tapos naghiwa hiwalay na tayong lahat non pumunta tayo kina Chano na dapat kina kuya Jaja tayo tutuloy pero nag insist ka kasi di mo na kaya. Sinamahan kita kasi gusto ko safe ka and tsaka ako nagaalala sayo non. Tapos nung hiniga na kita sa lapag non and me myself sobrang bagsak na katawan ko and pa black out nadin. Tapos next thing I knew, ayun na. Alam mo na yon. Hindi ko na dito ilalalagay lahat ng nangyari ng gabing yon at ng umagang yon and na-open up ko na sayo yon before and hindi ko na isusulat yon dito kasi I have respect for you, my mine ko! :) And remember that time nung niyaya kita sa MOA kasama sila Rommel Ivan and Jarem pero hindi ka nakapunta, you said sorry and you appreciated my invitation pero u still didn’t chose to come kasi nga yung sa inyo ni Jarem that time. And that was also the time na umamin ako sayo na gustong gusto parin kita maging boyfriend ko. Sobrang tanga ko non kasi ang bad timing pero you were so honest and very transparent na hindi pa pwede kasi you have still high hopes with Jarem and I respect that sinabi ko naman sayo yun diba, my mine? Sabi mo pa nga hintayin kita and you will wait for our time to come and I was glad that you had that kind of mindset kasi pota 3 years na akong nakapila sa puso mo eh hahaha. Pero at the same time,  things are getting harder and harder on me kasi stage 3 na ako sa sakit ko, and I was so sad that time nung inamin ko sa inyong apat non nila Alli Rommel at Mekai and the whole night I was just staring randomly at people thinking about the one of the biggest decision I made, is to let you go, on your birthday.

Figure 1.4 Skl nilalagyan lang ako ng mga meds sa katawan. DONT BE BOTHERED PLEASE. DI NAMAN YAN CRITICAL ITS JUST NORMAL LOL 

Stage 3 Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy is way damn hard to explain when you are in the situation, imagine yourself being neutral and not able to express emotions that much, as if you have your limit to do so. My mine, sobrang lungkot ko kasi feeling ko hindi na ako marerecover. Na hanggang dito nalang ako, so I did this decision to cut off ties with you. I’m not telling you na ikaw ang may kasalanan, kasi you aren’t. Wala kang kinalaman sa sakit ko or whoever person involved (eg. our common friends etc). It’s all on me. I’m sorry if ever I made you sad or angry(???). I deserve it. All the hate you can give, sige go. But one things for sure, I will never ever forget you as one of bestest (cuz best is not the right word to describe you lol) people I ever met in my life. Every memories we had and shared will always be inside me and will never vanish, I promise you that. 3 years I loved you more than any people I loved. As I’ve said to you, I tried finding love to other guys out there but I still end up falling in love with you kasi I see myself and imagine myself with you in the future way way more clearer than the others. And it saddens me to do that because you are the best thing happened to me and I chose to cut ties with you on your own birthday... Ang sama ko sa part na yon. Pero i dont know what you felt about that. Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. My mine, I love you always and what ever happens, I’ll still love you even from afar because that is my promise to you remember? :) 

Figure 1.5 Kina kuya Ja to. Cute natin nyakakakakka :) 

2020 is fast approaching. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kakalimutan na kita, my mine. Pero that is the one thing na hindi ko na fullfill. Kasi I can’t and I won’t. I can’t afford to lose every single piece of our great memories just because I have this sickness inside me. Sana when we meet each other ulit somewhere out there, ikikiss mo parin ako, ihuhug mo pari ako, hahawakan mo parin kamay ko, magiging same persons pa rin tayo just like before. 

I love you so much, my mine ko! When you finished reading this, I just want you to know na I’m always praying for your safety and for your blessings to come to you and I’m looking forward to see you in your successful self! Isko ka na ulit pero sa UP na. Sobrang nakakatuwa and I’m so indeed happy for you. <3 Super salamat sa lahat ng good and bad memories natin. I appreciate you and your well-being. I’m excited yet nervous when December 31 comes kasi that will be the time when I’ll gice you this blog and siyempre natatakot ako sa kung ano man yung magiging reaction mo. But anyways, ayon lang. Ito na yon. I love you so soooo much, my mine ko! :) 

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

First Week

I promised myself that i’ll be completely honest here and let all the things in my head just flow out on these texts.. hope i would find the right words to write my heart out

I am barely hanging on. Like bes namimiss na kita talaga. Pero that’s an overstatement---- sana..

Kasi nanggigigil talaga ako sa kaniya. I always want to talk to him. Which is impossible, given the time differences, he’s got his own life, i got mine, and above all, we don’t have any commitment. SOOOO MATINDIHANG PATIENCE TALAGA. Gigil na gigil na talaga ako, gusto ko syang tawagan, but no, di pwede, kasi mukha akong obsessed and clingy non. That’s too much.. so I am holding myself back most of the time. Ang hirap huhuhu arte ko hahaha adik lang?

Bebe i really miss you so much HAHAHAH YUCK. Feeling jowa lang ane. Brando seryoso namimiss na kita. Iba pa rin talaga yung physical presence ng isang tao no? This is why we should’ve taken things slower. Grabe naman kasi yung landian natin. With akbay, sakal, and nevermind. So ngayon na wala na, hinahanap hanap na. My drug is my baby. Charot. 

I miss your voice. Your sobra-sa-hangin-goofy-singing na parang inaano lang. Kabuset hahaha. Your addictive laugh. Lalo na yung kapag manyakan yung usapan na tawa mo? Iba e. It sounds so mischievous and innocent at the same time. That kind of laugh makes me want to pull out your hair and also hug you what am i saying none of these things makes any sense pwe. 

I also miss your touch--- not the manyak touches please naman wag ka spg na. I really think it’s super sweet whenever you touch my head. How you stroke my hair in between the gaps of your fingers. Bahala na kung mabaho yung buhok ko lakas maka kdrama huhu kilig ako. Ew danah pigil pigil din.

Most importantly, yung bigla bigla nalang may manghahawak sa ulo ko or aakbay sakin out of nowhere then paglingon ko, ikaw makikita ko. I even have to look up everytime i speak to you. I’ve always been conscious with my height. I always feel like a giant with other people but with you, i feel confident. I am comfortable. I don’t have to slouch. 

Bes kilig si ako. Kapag marunong na ko mag animate, gagawa ako ng animation nun huhu cutie mo papisil ng---- cheeks bes cheeks. Your cheeks.. I miss touching your whole face seeing those stubble on your cheeks, who knew you could be that manly. I know na natural lang sa lalaki na magkabigote and balbas but i never thought it would look super good on you. Only short hairs not yung mukhang adik na hindi nagshave for 1 motnh. I’ve always seen you as the angel cutie cutie but now you’re super manyak and payat and hawt HAHAHAH joke tataas na naman self confidence mo kapag nabasa mo to hahaha sana hindi ko isend hahaha.

Masyado nang mahaba to lol saka na yung iba baka wala na kong masulat. And nga pala magsusulat lang ako kapag masipag ako magsulat. So maybe next week ulit or next month. Ang inconsistent ng sulat ko. Third person naging second person. Next time puro second person nalang para matino.

So yan muna. I still hope na kahit hindi tayo magkatuluyan, good friends pa rin tayo and pagkakatiwalaan mo pa rin ako ng problems mo or frustrations mo. I want to help you because you’re also helping me have a purpose. You may not get this now but I will tell you my darkest secrets din soon. Kapag nagka courage ako. Hahaha pero natatakot pa rin akong sabihin. Baka di ko na rin masabi. Why am i including this here. Basta ingat lang lagi byeee