#clearly i’m putting too much stress on my siblings and mom is probably worried sick but i’ll never kno bc we aren’t talking

[eloarei]

A little rambling: on grief; and grieving a dog, a cat, an unborn child, and pieces of me that got hurt along the way. 

2300 words under the cut. 

It’s a very gloomy day today. I don’t usually mind; I like rain. But on a bad day, or a bad week, it only seems to insulate me in my own dark thoughts. That’s what today seems to be. I’ll work on fixing it later-- getting some exercise, sunlight if the clouds clear, making some tea. Should’ve done that already, but I forgot. Ate half a banana, at least. 

As I’ve complained about a few times lately, I’ve just not been doing especially well. When and why did it all start? It’s hard to say, but this ‘unwellness’ spell seems most potent starting April 11th (my anniversary, unfortunately, which is why I can remember it), when I came down with a gruesome stomach bug. Really haven’t been feeling right since. I’m really bad about being sick; it scares me and I handle it badly. I assume that’s part of what has messed me up. 

But grief is the other part, I think. Grief, and my being scared and worried that what caused it could strike again at any minute. Look, I’m... 32 now, and I’m sure that most people by this age have experienced profound loss. I’m probably not unusual, and I’m certainly not alone, but I think all the loss I’ve experienced is just piling up on me now, like there wasn’t enough time to process the new fresh ones before newer fresher ones came on, and so now even the old tough scars are aching. 

When I was a teenager, my parents died. They were old, and it was health problems. It was not a surprise, but that didn’t make it easier to deal with in freshman year of high school. (What made it easier to deal with? Rabidly cleaning out the fridge and watching Lord of the Rings tapes the neighbors lent me. That’s all I did for three days after my mom died.) It’s been a long time-- more than half my life ago-- and I do feel like I’m ‘over it’, but sometimes it just wells up, tears from nowhere. Maybe that’s just how grief is. 

A certainly had a good decade of my 20′s. I got married at 19, and had a pretty uneventful set of years. That felt normal to me. I do think, though, that the loss of my parents haunted me in that time, quietly. It influenced everything I did; it probably still does, if only because it changed the person I have become. But other than that, things were good, I think.  My dog Roxy died two years ago, when I was 30, not long after I got back from seeing my siblings for the first time in ages. She was violently ill, and died right in front of us as we were getting ready to take her to the vet. I think I’ve written about it. In fact, the next day I wrote a depressing fanfic piece, certainly as a coping mechanism. (It made people cry, so, mission accomplished, I guess.) I think that helped a lot. A few months later, my in-laws’ dog died too, while mom-in-law was on vacation, and that was rough as well. I wrote another sad fanfic about death. I really like both of these pieces, because they mean something, and they’re very raw. Furthermore, I’ll always have them, as tokens for Roxy, Ginger, and the little pieces of me they crushed when they died. I don’t know if the exchange is worth it, but it’s what I have. 

My grief over Roxy was gentle, as time went on. It didn’t bother me. I think I’d processed it well. I’d written out my feelings. I held her body in numb arms as my husband dug her grave. It was okay. 

In early 2020, basically on my 31st birthday (and right as Covid was happening), I found I was pregnant. Long story short, those were the densest two months of my life, where everything seemed to change so quickly. My thoughts and feelings could fill so very many pages; this is not the place I’ll leave them. The point of this particular story is that it didn’t work out. The baby ‘died’ not terribly unlike Roxy had-- violently ill, in front of me, with far too much blood. I passed out three times-- the real start of this current fearful nature, because I cannot overstate how very much I felt like I was going to die. I went to the ER; it was miserable, an ordeal I could say quite a lot about. I won’t, though. I have before, and I likely will again, elsewhere. 

This... This grief... I think I still don’t know what to do with it. I don’t think I ever will. Months later, I started writing a fic to deal with my feelings, though it took 90k words and many months before I got to the part where I could really delve into my trauma. And it has helped, I’m sure. I’m really sure. And I care about this fic so much, because like the others it is raw and real and it’s something I’d never have if not for my experience. Again, it may not be a fair trade, but it’s what I have. 

I don’t grieve for the baby. It didn’t make it far enough to even have a heartbeat. It doesn’t have a name, a gender. It doesn’t have a grave. We let the hospital take care of it. But I still grieve. I’m sad. Wrecked. I grieve what it could have been. I grieve the hope that was spent and lost on it, a precious resource that will take a long time to grow back, if ever. I grieve over not only my own disappointment, but my husband’s, and my in-laws. They’ve never pressured us to have kids, but they’re in their 60′s now, with no grandchildren. I think they feel... lacking, in a way. I understand. I feel the same (though different). I wanted to give them that. I wanted to have that. 

I still....?

I can’t say. I don’t know what I want. The event complicated my already complex emotions. I’m still waiting for them to simplify. Maybe they will, or maybe they won’t. 

I was alright for a while. Stressed enough because of Covid and family’s declining health. Then in early April 2021, just a year after the miscarriage, I got badly sick. Gross, but not what most people would call a real issue. But only a year after the miscarriage, when my body betrayed me and I was at its horrid mercy, this felt like too much. Again I felt like I was going to die. A week of near delirious fever and nausea; I’d have handled it badly enough in any other circumstance. 

As expected, I got through it. A horrible week, but just a week (or so). And then my dog Tobi died, just days later. 

This is it. This is the one I... I’m speechless about. The one I... maybe haven’t processed enough. I was just back from the edge of being badly, violently ill. I didn’t have the energy to write, physically or emotionally. And that just made it worse. I love writing. It’s my outlet (surprising, I’m sure). I wanted to write. I thought I ought to write. I needed to write. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t muster the words. I still... can’t. 

Tobi was... my baby. Not literally, of course. I didn’t conflate him with my lost child or anything. Tobi was 14. I’d had him since I graduated high school and got an apartment. Adopting him was one of the first things my husband and I did as an established adult couple, before we were even married. He was there, at my wedding. The photographer took a cute picture of me holding him before the ceremony. He was 11 months old at the time. Still had all his brown spots before they turned tan, then later white. He was there; he was always there. He was my entire adult life. And now I’ve lost him, the pup I had longer than my marriage (though soon we will outlast him). He was the big brother to all my other pets. He practically raised all the cats, and they adored him. (Tobi was a chihuahua, so they might have thought he was just another cat.) 

He was a sweet boy, who loved his mom and dad first and foremost. When he was little, he was scared of everyone else. Eventually he warmed up to strangers and friends, and in his old age he mostly liked to nap somewhere on his own. He was silly and playful; he always chased the cats when they wanted to be chased. It was a game they all loved. 

The vet... well, we took him in when he started to cough badly. He’d had a cough for a few months, but it wasn’t constant and didn’t seem to be affecting his quality of life much. But that day it was bad, so we took him. (We can’t afford frequent vet visits, so this was clearly desperate.) The vet took him and put him on oxygen. We had to stay in the car because they weren’t open for human guests. Then she came and told us a scan had revealed cancer, marbled through his lungs. He was suffocating. In fact, he wouldn’t likely even make it home, not even the two mile drive. We had to put him down. My husband and I cried like babies. We’d never put an animal down before. Generally speaking, we don’t really ‘believe in it’, if that makes sense. But faced with this situation, we had no choice. 

I didn’t see him again. I think that’s the worst part, though it would have been equally bad to see him, I think. And it was all so sudden. He was playing and chasing the cats the day before. Begging for treats of human food. Barking at the Roomba. And then I had to pay hundreds of dollars to say goodbye to him. It felt so unfair. I cried all day. My husband and I, we just went home and laid down and wept. 

But I still haven’t written about it, not in the way that I wrote about the others. For all that I wrote here, it doesn’t begin to encompass my deeper feelings on what it means that he is gone, and how I felt to have to make that decision. I have ideas. I think I know what I would write, if I could, but writing... still mostly eludes me. I may try. I probably should. 

I take a deep breath. I know I should sum this up and take care of myself, but there’s yet a little more to say. 

I think Tobi’s death is a large part of what affects me still, but several weeks ago I had what I could only call a panic attack. In the middle of the night I awoke, my heart beating rapidly, a horrible feeling of dread like certainty that all I could possibly do was die. It took over two days for me to feel mostly normal again, and then I still felt vaguely nauseous for two weeks. Then, just a few days ago, it happened again, but this time before bed. I could feel it rising in me, this indescribable sickness. It took several days ago before I felt normal. And this is where I am now. 

Sadly, a little while after the first panic attack, my husband and I failed to save a malnourished feral kitten. It was not a surprise, but yet one more reminder of the fragility of life, and how little I can do to keep death away from those I care about. This poor thing, it was so desperate to live, but nothing we could do could save it. I could have poured all my time into trying, could have scrounged up money to take it to the vet (when I should take my own cats, who all have colds), but I know better. I know... so much of the time, there’s nothing you can do. And now I’m trying to help what might be its siblings, a few cute feral kittens nearby. My favorite seems... a little lethargic, and not very interested in eating the wet food and meat scraps I sometimes bring by. I don’t think there’s anything I can do, if it ends up being sick, if it ends up being malnourished. I can’t bring it inside when it could infect my own cats. I have to care for them first. 

But knowing that it could die... it bothers me. 

And knowing that I could die. I could die. I’m too aware of that, on top of everything else. I hate doctors, so I never go. (Also I’m poor.) This toothache? Could be a terrible abscess. My brother went to the ER for sepsis from an abscess tooth recently! That’s probably what caused the panic, to be honest. But then... why have I felt so week? Is there a problem with my blood? Am I sicker than I know? Do I have breast cancer? My grandma did, and I know I should get it checked out, but it’s just ONE MORE THING. It’s always like that. 

And that’s... how I feel right now. Covered in ‘one more thing’s on rainy days and night-work schedules. Trying to take care of myself but not always knowing what that means. Lacking the inspiration to do the things I know I enjoy, because worry and apathy holds me back from everything. 

I’m okay. Really. No day of mine is ever entirely without merit, and I have plans to do most of the things that should keep me healthy. But the day is short when my needs and long, and the day is long when I’m paralyzed by apathy. 

So. I’ll just take it a moment at a time. And when I can, I’ll try to keep writing. 

[harrieatthemet]

Holiday: Chapter 14

A/N: you’ve all been waiting.... here it FUCKING is. I cannot deaaaaaal.

I had become a pro at dodging phone calls. I’d left Harry the voicemail a few days ago, and he had returned it only a few hours later. Too caught up with Anne in the bathroom, I got to my phone just after the call ended. After that, I couldn’t bring myself to call back. He’d call again the next day. Actually, he called a couple times throughout the day. And the next day too, and sprinkle in a few texts. ‘Are you okay?’ Or ‘Why aren’t you answering?’. He’d call Anne, as her week and a half long vacation here came to a close, and she’d brush it off. She’d lie, as I sat vertically across the table from her, telling her to keep it vague. So when he’d ask what I was up to, how I was feeling and if I was functioning like a normal human being, she’d assure him I was as well as could be expected. ‘Keeping herself busy with work’ she’d say, before cleverly rerouting the topic.

She wasn’t lying, honest to God. I truly have been keeping myself busy with work, and had even bitten off a little more than I can chew. I’d made it my job to call over to New York at least three times a week, if not more, just to make sure Molly hadn’t let my dad wither away and hide in his room. She’d call every night, sometimes so late, in the middle of an anxiety attack. Her voice was practically inaudible as she wept loudly into the receiver, leaving me puzzled and incapable of aiding her. In addition to that, I’d taken on a few extra clients to keep myself busy. I found that too much time to myself made me prisoner to my own thoughts, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. Having Anne here definitely helped, especially since Penelope was being an exceptional handful. When Harry went away, she usually was, since he indulged her in endless attention. 

I had a fistful of hair bunched up in my hand, and I pondered whether or not to just tear it right out of my head. A few blueprints were strewn about on the table, mocking me as I tried to figure out what the fuck to do with them. I was running on next to no sleep, since Molly had called at 1 am and wouldn’t hang up until close to 4. Anne was kind enough to help get the kids to school, in fact she was more than willing. 

She loved dressing them for school, and she’d been snapping photos of them with their little backpacks the entire time she’s been there. She’d let Quinn hang back, sparing him from daycare so she’d have him around all day. I think her favorite part of the entire endeavor was dressing Penelope in the morning,  picking out the prettiest outfits for her. She’d enjoyed watching Penelope teeter into school, linking up with a few of her little buddies from class. I would never accuse Anne of having a favorite grandchild, she adored and doted on all 3. But, she definitely had a soft spot for Penelope. I think a large part of it was because she reminded Anne so much of Harry, so charismatic and a desire to entertain people. I’m sure part of it had to do with the fact that Penelope was the only granddaughter, too.

“Yeh been working all day, Ella.” Anne sighed disapprovingly, walking into my office with a sandwich on a plate.

“M’fine, really.” I yawned, smiling as she placed the plate in front of me.

“ ‘Nd I know yeh not sleeping well, heard y’on the phone late last night. S’not good for you, the baby either.” Anne reprimanded sweetly, frowning at me from the other side of my desk.

The word baby seemed to be a trigger word for me, and my lip instantly found itself in between my teeth as I gnawed at it viciously. I had forgotten all about that, in the midst of everything else going on. It was the reason I was avoiding Harry, because I knew if I’d answer one of his calls I’d unintentionally blurt it out. He was due to fly back to LA in a few days, and I was anxiously anticipating his arrival. We hadn’t really spoke in almost 3 weeks, and the fact that one of the first things we’d discuss is a fourth baby made me lightheaded. As Anne reminded me about my pregnancy, I begun to wonder how Harry was gonna react. Would he be happy? Did he want a fourth? Maybe he didn’t, maybe four was too many. We hadn’t really left off on the best terms, either. I didn’t know if he’d still be a little upset with me when he got back, or which Harry I’d be getting. 

“Dont need t’worry about me Anne. I promise I’m alright.” I forced a smile, bringing the end of my pen to my mouth.

“Y’speak t’Harry at all yet?” Anne frowned, shooing the pen away from my mouth as I nibbled at it subconsciously. 

“Uh, no,” I whispered, re-occupying myself with a sketch, “haven’t had a minute to call him.”

“Because,” Anne hissed, moving the paper from in front of me, “yeh not makin’ the time. Should really relax, not good t’put all this stress on y’body.” 

She did, in fact, have a point. With my mom passing, my workload doubling, and of course the pressing needs of all 3 of my kids, I had put an undeniable amount of stress amongst myself. But I had to, because if I didn’t I’d have too much time to think and that is the last thing I needed to do. Anne had been practically babysitting me the past few days, more than she was the children. She’d check in on me every morning, and make sure all my needs were met every night before I’d go to sleep. The house was pristine, the cleanest it’s probably ever been. She was extra attentive to the toys Quinn would leave laying around the house, scolding him before telling me ‘gonna slip on one o’these if y’not careful’. She’d be right there, when the morning sickness was just about to get the best of me, with a tall glass of water and a few saltines. I was unspeakably grateful, and the thought of her leaving tomorrow made me a little solemn. 

“Can’t eat,” I’d grumble, the mere sight of food making my stomach ache unbearably, “lost any and all taste for meat.” 

“Little bean doesn’t like meat, hm?” Anne would coo, speaking directly to my belly.

Anne was absolutely over the moon about this fourth baby, and spoke to my belly constantly throughout the duration of the day. When she read the pregnancy test she practically cried. She had started calling it little bean not long after, though she had been gushing to me about how she was absolutely sure it’d be a girl. The mere thought of having a girl made me fear Penelope’s reaction, as she quite enjoyed being daddy’s only princess and relished in the attention. I knew it was killing her, not being able to tell Harry, and for respecting my wishes I was even more appreciative of her (if it was even possible to be). 

I, on the other hand, wasn’t really sure about how I felt in regards to another baby. A pregnancy couldn’t have happened at a worse time, as me and Harry had only just started up again, and we clearly were still working out the quirks. On top of that, I was still reeling from the blow of losing my mom. Everything felt like it was being catapulted at me, at warps speed, without allotting me anytime to collect my thoughts. Having three kids already was enough of a job, especially since all 3 of them had very demanding personalities. I didn’t know how the kids would react to a fourth sibling, and for that reason I had kept it to myself. Anne had been badgering me to go for an ultrasound, to know what was going on and get an idea on how far along I was. And I kept promising I would, that I’d do it tomorrow, but each day would come and go and I’d only continue to put it off. 

“Four grandkiddies,” Anne sighed happily, “s’just a dream. Y’making me the happiest nana in th’world, sweetheart.” 

“M’glad to hear it.” I smiled warmly.

“Make me even happier if yeh’d take a nap, maybe nibble on somethin’ too.” She’d instruct, batting her lashes at me as she coaxed me into following her orders.

I hung my head, chuckling at her attempts to mother me so kindly, before I hesitantly agreed. She smiled proudly, placing a quick kiss to my temple as I strolled out of the room. The house was quiet, since Penelope and Brayden were off at school and Quinn was napping, and I enjoyed the nice lull of silence that was replacing the usual shrieks and squeals. 

I hadn’t even gotten halfway across the first floor, en route to the kitchen as ordered by Anne, before I had to completely stop in my track. An all too familiar head rush overcame me, as the room started to blur a bit. My hand subconsciously flew out to the wall, using it to regain balance while the room twirled. I had to shut my eyes for a second, my dizzy spell making my knees go a little weak. It seemed as though they were starting to get noticeably worse, especially if I’d be walking or standing for too long. I hadn’t mentioned it to Anne, because I knew all too well it’d send her into a frenzy and then she’d really be itching to tell Harry. She was already worried enough, and telling her about dizzy spells that were common for the most part seemed unnecessary. 

I settled into one of the barstools at the kitchen island, force feeding myself a few apple slices. Anne had sauntered in not long after me, claiming it was so she could start dinner but I knew it was more because she wanted visual proof of me eating something. She was chattering away with me, about silly little things mostly but she’d slip in a conversation or two about the baby. I didn’t know if she could tell that I was monotone when she’d bring it up, if it gave away the slight disinterest I had. And the more she’d go on about it, talking about who’d she think this one would look like, or spewing name inspiration, I couldn’t help but feel so awful. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get excited about the idea of fourth baby. It had always been a dream of mine, growing a big family and having a lot of kids. Even before our split, I had clued him in on wanting a fourth, and at the time he wasn’t against it. But how would he feel about it now? 

“Phone’s buzzing, love.” Anne voiced, turning around from the stove and nodding to my phone.

“I know, it’s fine.” I answered, hoping she’d let it go and not ask who it was.

“Know it’s Harry.” She murmured, turning her back to me and fixing her attention to the stove, “Should really talk t’him, think he’s worried.” 

I was quick to let my fingers hover above the phone, debating on whether or not I wanted to answer the call. My thumb decided for me, as it quickly smashed itself on the screen before hitting the end call button. I could hear Anne tsk me from her spot in front of the stove, subtly shaking her head. I was about chime in, doing my best to explain to Anne that it’d be better to tell him in person, but a familiar cry could be head through the baby monitor sitting just beside the fridge. Quinn’s subtle crying turned into wailing, and I hissed as the octave of his voice came screeching through the speaker.

“I’ll grab him.” I breathed out, Anne turning around to fight me on it.

“S’alright love, eat.” She shooed, following me as I walked towards the stair.

“Really, I got him.” I insisted, turning on my heel and going towards the step.

“Oi,” Anne yelped, “Ella! Watch!”

I hadn’t even had the opportunity to ask her what she was screeching about before I could feel the sharp pain stinging the bottom of my foot. Brayden’s little toy car, which he seemingly had forgotten at the foot of the staircase, punctured the sole of my foot. And as if the pain of the spiky thing wasn’t bad enough, the thing faltered my balance before it went gliding across the floor. Anne had dome her best to get across the hall, but not quick enough. My ankle twisted slightly before the front of my body went hurling itself onto the staircase. I threw my hands out in front of me, to soften the blow, but my timing was delayed. I could the front of my forehead smash against the foot of the stair, knocking me out clean. 

“Christ, Ella.” A familiar voice groaned, coaxing me out of sleep.

I shifted in the bed, a small hissing sound tumbling out of my mouth as I realized how sore my body felt. Tired, and not to mention a little overwhelmed and hazy, I blinked a few times as I adjusted to harsh lighting of the room. I eventually figured out who was standing in the door, catching sight of a very frazzled looking Harry. He didn’t wait there long, scurrying across the hospital room before standing himself on my bedside. His frown was prominent, bags under his eyes a little more noticeable than usual. He looked worried, and stressed out, and I had to remind myself that my tumble to the floor had landed me here in this uncomfortable hospital bed. His eyes flew around the room, analyzing the dinginess of it all while looking a little unsettled. He never really liked hospitals. 

“Yeh busted the bloody thing right open!” He breathed, leaning in a little to look at the small wound just beneath my hairline.

“Thought you were coming home tomorrow.” I mumbled, shying away from his stare.

“I mean,” he started scoldingly, “y’didn’t answer any of my calls, or texts and it was really making me-“

“Your mom was with me. I would’ve made it another day just fine.” I answered defensively, his frown furrowing deeper. 

“Clearly not!’ He chuckled lowly, settling into a spot just beside me, “s’everything alright?” 

I wasn’t sure why he was asking. A part of me started to grow antsy, because I was missing a few pieces and I didn’t want to open my big fat mouth and accidentally give him more information than he already had. I didn’t know how long I was out for, or if Harry came straight here from the airport. I also had no idea if he had spoken to Anne upon his arrival, which meant I didn’t know what there conversation had consisted of if there had even been one. A trip to the hospital was sure to have sent Anne into an absolute fit, and she was probably worried about what my fall had done to the baby. I wasn’t sure if she had let it slip to Harry, although I’m sure if she did he’d be much more cross with me. Of course, I was planning on telling him eventually, but I wasn’t sure how I’d go about it. I had assumed I’d have at least another day to think about it at least. 

“M’fine.” I answered flatly, earning a very judgmental eye roll from Harry.

“Mum said y’been dizzy a lot,” he lectured, “not eatin’ right, ‘nd not sleepin’ much. Really, Ell, yeh makin’ m’nervous.” 

“Well don’t be!” I assured, patting his hand, “No need to panic, told you I’m fine. Mean it, too.” 

“Wanna tell yeh m’sorry.” His tone was serious, his fingers keeping my hand placed above his, “ ‘nd not just for like, one thing. I mean fo’ everything, really, ‘cus I been takin’ yeh fo’ granted. Gonna start bein’ honest with yeh, I promise.” 

Fucking great. If I didn’t already feel like shit, literally and figuratively, I was even worse off now. I knew it took a lot from him to apologize, because he never cared to admit that he was wrong. The whole being honest bit made my chest get anxiously tight, because if he knew about the secret I had been keeping from him for over a week, his head would come spinning right off. Then, I started to feel guilty. I felt guilty because what my mom had said was right. He really did care about me, enough to fess up to his wrongdoings. And, in addition to that, I really had been keeping myself closed off to him. The word vomit was bubbling in my throat, and if the doctor hadn’t walked in the second he did I don’t even know what would’ve came out of my mouth.

“How we doing in here Ms Hansen?” He sung, causing Harry’s face to contort in distaste at the sound of my maiden name replacing my married one.

“Much better.” I lied, the twinge of pain from my cut on my head starting up again. 

“Did yeh talk t’my mum? She tell yeh all the symptoms Ella’s been havin’?” Harry spoke up, swiveling his back to face the doctor.

“I did,” the doctor smiled, grey eyebrows wiggling a little, “totally normal.”

“Normal?” Harry repeated slowly, “Passing out like tha’ is normal? ‘Nd the dizzy spells, all that? Normal?” 

I could feel my heart rate start to excel, as Harry was approaching dangerous territory. I was sure Anne had mentioned to the doctor I was pregnant, if it wasn’t the very first thing she told him. I thought about cutting him off, or asking Harry to leave the room. It was a shit idea, because I knew Harry would refuse to leave and even pick a fight with me about how he absolutely needed to stay in order to hear every detail. The doctor nodded, taking a seat in the medical chair as he whipped out a small clipboard with a few attached sheets stuck to it. Harry was watching him, knee jumping nervously as his grip on my hand tightened. 

“The passing out, definitely not. Poor dieting and sleep patterns can attribute to that, Ella, so it’s important fix that. Especially now.” The doctor instructed, scribbling something down on one of the sheets.

“Yep, got it. That’s it?” I was speaking fast, much faster than my brain was working. 

“Why now? Told me y’were alright, Ella.” Harry’s voice was frantic as he turned to look at me, annoyed that I was keeping him out of the loop.

“The dizzy spells are normal, but take it easy for a little while. You’re starting the second trimester in a few weeks, sometimes the dizziness sticks around.” 

The words that fell from the doctors mouth practically made my heart stop working altogether. My face went blank, my body immediately freezing up as I felt Harry’s grip on my hand loosen. His brows furrowed, for a moment, as I presumed he was repeating to himself what the doctor had just said.

And then a puzzled look swept over his face, “Second trimester?”

[angstalottle]

Sleepy

@lovelylangst hope this is ok

-------------------------------------

“Class dismissed.” The teacher called only seconds after the final bell of the day.

No one wasted anytime and instead gathered their things for the weekend glad for the break from the stress of school.

“Oh man i don't know how i'm gonna last till summer, just this week seemed to stretch on for like a year.” Hunk moaned as he stood up and stretched.

“Dude we just got back from spring break like two weeks ago.” Pidge rolled her eyes as she grabbed her bag before a smirk spread across her face. “Whose turn is it to wake up sleeping beauty?” she asked nodding towards Lance who was slumped over his desk snoring softly and cuddling his maths textbook like a teddy bear.

“Keiths i think.” Hunk chuckled nervously as said boy scowled

“I say we leave him. If the slacker wants to sleep so badly then let him and he misses the bus home so be it.” However despite his words they all knew Keith would never do that and was only annoyed because of Lance’s girlfriend.

“Oh come on he's a fool in love, he spent to whole of spring break with his ‘special little lady’” Pidge made the air quotations with her fingers “He’s probably got plans with her this weekend too.”

Hunk slowly shook his head “nah he's working tonight at the restaurant and has booked in for double shifts till monday.”

Keith frowned “seems like a lot, how come your moms letting him?”

“Half the staffs out sick, she wouldn't let him normally but we’re really understaffed right now.” Hunk shrugged. Since the start of last year Lance had been working at his family's restaurant picking up as many shifts as he was allowed. For a while Hunks mom the owner had let him figuring that he was just a teenager with too much energy and there was no harm in it.

However after he had collapsed while carrying a flaming desert nearly burning down the place and really hurting himself too, she limited Lance’s shifts to at most once a day during school time.

“I don't get it, i've never seen him spend a penny but he's always working, he even started asking Shiro if he needs a hand at the garage.” Keith had at first assumed that Lance was saving up for a car to impress his girlfriend with, yet he never mentioned wanting to look for one to anyone. Not even his supposedly best friend Hunk.

Maybe this girl was spoiled brat that demanded all his money as well as his attention…

It wasn't that keith was jealous… or that's what he tells himself.

He just doesn't want to see his friend taken advantage of.

“You know, we could always tail him and finally meet this mystery girl of his?” Pidge suggested looking over the top of her glasses directly at keith like she knew what he was thinking.

“Like i don't have anything better to do then follow Lance around all night.” Keith huffed crossing his arms.

Pidge rose an eyebrow “do you?”

Keith let his arms drop to his sides “n-no i don't.”

“So spying it is!” Hunk grinned clapping the two on the back.

“Fine it's settled then.” Keith sighed as he pulled a bottle of water out from his bag and poured it over Lance’s head.

The effect was instantaneous and he shot up from his seat shaking the droplets from his hair. “What the hell… wait where is everyone?”

“It's 3pm Lance time to go home.” Hunk was already putting away Lance’s things and slipping his own phone into the bag, admittedly a lot more excited about finding out who his best friend was dating then he first let on.

“Oh man.”Lance frowned looking at his phone. “At this rate i'm gonna be late, erm i'll see you guys monday i guess.” he waved as he took his bag from Hunk with a smile and ran off smiling.

Keith moved to follow but was held back by Hunk.

“Dude we’re gonna lose him.”

Hunk shook his head as he pointed at Pidge “do me a favour and track my phone, should lead us right to him.”

“Oh you big wonderful genious you.” Pidge laughed taking out her own phone a reading already coming through.

“Follow me to our boy!” She declared walking out the door closely followed by the other two.

To be honest they weren't really sure what they were expecting to see.

Maybe Lance and some pretty girl at a high end restaurant or jewelry store where he was fawking out all the cash to keep her happy.

However they never imagined Lance to lead them to a hospital.

“Pidage you sure this is right?” keith asked as they walked through the halls the smell of disinfectant hanging in the air.

“It's where Hunk’s phone is.” Pidge shrugged uneasily.

“Maybe he's dating a nurse and is picking her up at work?” Hunk suggested a nervous feeling in his gut getting stronger and stronger with every step they took.

“No he would of been at the nurse's station not in the cancer ward.” Pidge bit her lip as she stopped in her tracks in front of a closed door. According to the readings Lance was on the other side.

“Maybe we should go?” Hunk asked, it felt wrong to intrude on their friends privacy especially when he was keeping trips to the hospital secret.

“Yeah your ri-” Keith was cut off by the door being swung open by Lance himself.

However it was him appearing that shocked the group into silence, but rather his appearance.

Lance was crying.

“Lance?” Pidge asked causing the boy to jump.

“W-what are you guys doing here?” He asked, his voice shaking clearly trying and failing to compose himself.

“We followed you, what's going one?” Keith asked.

Lance looked down “I've got to get to work… ive….” he took a step wobbling on his feet and would've fallen if Hunk hadn't of caught him.

“Lance? LANCE!” Hunk yelled as Lance lay limp in his arms.

“Quit shouting, tired…” He mumbled rubbing his eyes.

“Dude you passed out again! And don't you dare blame a slippy floor this time.” Hunk glared as he gently set Lance on his feet “i'm worried, what the hell is going on.”

Lance sighed “It's my little sister Maria… she erm she's a patient here.”

Suddenly all the pieces fell into place. Lance’s family didn't have insurance and if one of his siblings were to get sick of course Lance would work himself to the bone to pay for their treatment.

“Why didn't you tell us?” Hunk asked.

Lance shrugged kicking at the ground “i dunno… didn't want pity i guess.”

“We could of helped, we could of gotten the money we could of-” Lance started crying as Pidge tried to yell at him causing panic the bloom in the chests of the three of them.

“I know! I know you would of helped. B-but i thought i could do it, God i'm tired i'm so tired i haven't slept a full night in nearly a year. B-but i wish it wasn't over now!”

“Over?” Keith asked getting a sharp glare from Hunk who was rubbing soothing circles on Lance’s back.

“I-i… we knew it was terminal but she was meant to have two more years! TWO MORE FUCKING YEARS! Now shes gone… my baby sisters gone!” Lance sobbed curling in on himself.

No one spoke.

What could they say?

Nothing…

So instead they just sat on the ground and held Lance until he fell into a much needed sleep thankful that they decided to follow Lance today especially when they found a bottle of sleeping pills in his jacket pocket.

[a-mellowtea]

No Need For Goodbyes

Characters: Jaune Arc (+ the Arc sisters; Kiera and Bianca) Summary: Jaune makes a very important phone call.

Breathe.

There were many things in life he figured he had taken for granted. His home, nestled in a small village in southern Anima. The unwavering support of his parents, despite their reservations about him wanting to be a Huntsman. The quiet beauty of the forest bordering his backyard. His time at Beacon. His team. 

Her.

His sisters, however, were not included in that list. The Arc siblings were as thick as thieves and twice as fierce, and that was something Jaune had always known. And when the CCT fell, when he was certain the last thing they saw was Beacon and Vale being decimated, all he wanted was to reassure them that he was safe.

It was months before he got that chance, and he sprang upon it the moment it arose.

Breathe. They’ll pick up. Just... breathe.

Jaune’s foot bounced anxiously, skittering almost violently against the hardwood floor of the Mistral homestead. His door was open, but he knew Ruby would keep the others from bothering him for a while.

‘Do... do your sisters know you’re alive, Jaune?’ she had asked that morning, silver eyes full of worry. He supposed it was to be expected - she had her sister back now, and it made sense that it could cross her mind. He couldn’t remember what he had told her, but her eventual advice had been to give them a call.

So, there he was. Scroll in one hand, resting his forehead on the other, listening to the droning dial tone. Please, pick up...

At length, the line clicked. “Hello?” came a familiar voice, distorted by slight static as the local area connection strained to hold a steady signal.

For all his reminding himself to breathe, in an instant, Jaune forgot how to.

“Hello, who is this?”

Fingers curled in his hair, and the slight pain brought him back to himself, if only just. “Bianca,” he said unevenly, struggling past the lump in his throat.

“Speaking,” she replied, voice clipped and distinctly impatient. The words had been there a moment ago, he was sure of it. Now there was nothing; a blank, empty void. What could he say to her? Could anything make up for his months of silence? Did they truly think he was...

“Look, if this is anoth-”

“Bianca, it’s Jaune,” he interrupted. A stunned silence followed. Gathering his courage, he straightened and forced his tone to be a bit lighter. “Hey, lil’ sis.” 

Her stifled sob was as unexpected as it wasn’t, but it made Jaune wince all the same. Leaning back, he lowered his hand from his head, crumpling the sheets of the bed into a tight fist instead, and closed his eyes.

“Oh my gods,” Bianca breathed. It was almost a wheeze. “Jaune? Jaune? T-That’s really- Oh my gods, you’re alive! You’re alive! I-I... I- we didn’t... we couldn’t...”

I was right, Jaune realized. They thought I was dead. 

“Bianca? Who is it?”

Another voice filtered in from the background, barely audible over Bianca’s sniffles. Scratchy, echoing white noise came through - he assumed his sister was moving.

“It’s Jaune!” she shouted, voice breaking, but it sounded distant; muffled, and a little deep. She likely had her hand over the speaker. Jaune took the brief few seconds to level his breathing and clear his throat or, at least, try to. He shifted backward until his unarmored back hit the wall, and sagged against it. His head hit with a dull thud.

“Kiera! Kiera, Jaune’s on the phone!”

More movement, before Bianca came through again, clearly this time. 

“Jaune, are you okay?!” she said loudly amidst sniffles. “We saw what happened to Beacon on the TV, and then we didn’t hear from you, and-”

“Yeah. I’m-” he began, though his voice caught. Giving his head a shake, he pushed a sharp exhale out his nose. After everything, he wouldn’t pile more worry on his family. Not if he could help it. 

“I’m alright. I’m, uh,” he said, “actually in Mistral right now. I tried to call sooner, but with the... with the CCT down...” His posture sagged, shoulders dropping as if beset by some sudden weight. “I’m sorry it took so long. I called as soon as I got a signal.”

“Gods, Jaune, don’t...” she broke off with another sob. It took her a little longer to collect herself this time, and by the sound of it, she was crying properly when she continued. “Don’t apologize. You have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice...” The idea of a smile flickered across his lips at that. He opened his mouth to speak again, but a ruckus on the other end made him pause.

“Hang on. Kiera’s yelling at me. I’m handing the phone over to her, okay?”

The phone had switched hands before he could say anything more to his younger sibling, and her voice was replaced by an older one,

“Jaune? Jaune, you there? It’s-”

“Kiera.” He did smile this time. He hadn’t realized just how much he’d missed them, and if hearing Bianca’s voice lessened the ache in his chest, his eldest sister’s warm lilt had it evaporating entirely. “Hey.”

“Oh my god, it is you...” she said. She was quiet for a moment, in which Jaune barely caught her much softer sniffle. Then, she burst out into relieved laughter. “H-hey, lil bro. How... How’ve you been?”

Jaune’s smile faded. “Not great. But I’m alive.”

“Gods. Beacon. Jaune, I’m so sorry, I-” she paused. Sighed. “Jaune, what happened?”

It was Jaune’s turn to laugh this time - a rough, humorless bark that sounded far too much like Ruby’s uncle for his liking. 

“A lot. A lot happened,” he said, hand returning to his forehead. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter against the pinpricks that assaulted them. “I don’t know where to start.” 

“I-I called you guys, the night before... before,” he stressed the word, and Kiera gave a small hum of acknowledgment, “didn’t I?”

“Yes, you did. But, then...” she trailed off. Jaune nodded, though he knew she couldn’t see it. She drew a long breath, then started anew. “Your team... Jaune, are th-”

He shut his eyes tighter; saw red.

“My partner,” he ground out through gritted teeth. The burn of tears intensified as his chest constricted, and he once again found it impossible to breathe. Her name came as a whisper, “Pyrrha. She’s gone, Kee.”

“Oh,” Kiera’s voice was small and soft. She knew about his team, probably more than any of his other sisters. She had been the only one he could rely on not to tease him incessantly about it all. “Oh, Jaune...”

“It’s fine. I’m... I’m fine.”

It was a blatant lie, and Kiera caught on the moment he had finished speaking.

“You’re still a horrible liar, Jaune,” she said gently. He bit down hard on his lip to hold back the sharp retort that leapt to his tongue, and the coppery tang of blood flooded his mouth. He knew she was right. She was always right. 

Thankfully, tact was also one of her better traits. 

“How are Ren and Nora?” she asked after a minute of silence. Jaune licked the stinging pain from his lip before answering as honestly as he could.

“They’re okay,” he said, on a breath that was far calmer than he actually felt. “We’re okay, Kee. We’re alive. I told Bianca - we’re in Mistral.”

“You’re what?!” Kiera demanded, and Jaune was smiling again, unable to help the chuckle that rumbled in his chest at her utterly baffled tone. “What- why- How did you manage that?”

“We walked,” he shrugged, his grin twitching into a smirk.

“You- who’s ‘we’?!”

“Kiera, please,” he said, shifting into a more relaxed position as he set his elbows on his knees. “Ren, Nora and I. Plus...” He frowned and cast a glance at the open door. “You remember our friends, right? Team RWBY? I told you about them.”

“Yes, I remember,” she said slowly, uncertainly.

“Their leader’s with us. Ruby. Her team... got hit pretty hard too,” he replied.

“Jaune, I-...” She sighed softly. “I wish there was something I could say.”

There wasn’t; they both knew that. He had known that even before picking up the phone; even before leaving for Mistral. There was nothing that could make this hurt less, but Jaune had already accepted that.

“I know. It’s alright. Just being able to hear from you guys again is... more than enough,” he said. “How are mom and dad?”

“Worried sick. They were beginning to think...” she didn’t finish, and Jaune didn’t need her to. His parents were wonderful, and he loved them, but it didn’t surprise him that after what happened to Vale, they doubted his ability to keep himself alive long enough to see, much less speak with them again.

“They’re not home right now, but... we’ll put them on when they get in, okay? You won’t go anywhere, right?”

“No,” he assured, settling back into his previous position against the wall in physical confirmation. “I’m staying right here. I promise.”

For once, it felt like a promise he’d be able to keep.

“Good. Now. Start from the beginning, Jaune. Tell me everything.”

[little-freyja]

Home

Title: Home Word Count: 1714 Paring: Lawstien About: Danny has returned to Vancouver to help take care of her family, however she gets a little homesick and longs to return to Austria to be with her girlfriend, Carmilla AO3 Link

My bones are safe and my heart can rest Knowing it belongs to you My world is changed and it's cradled by The comfort that is you Oh my love, My head is reeling and I am running out of air I need to breathe in

Danny stood in front of the stove in her childhood home, absent-mindedly stirring the tomato sauce. She had only been home in Vancouver for a little over a week, but it felt like it had been an eternity. Usually, she loved coming home to hang out with her brother and the twins. But she didn't want to be home under these conditions. Danny swallowed a little as she replayed the memory of why she had to be here so suddenly.

A week and a half ago, while getting ready for a morning run, Danny got the dreaded phone call. At the moment she didn't think much of it, besides the fact that it was nearly eleven at night and her mother should be asleep.

Needless to say, Danny didn't go on her run that morning. She sat there in the edge of the couch, on the verge of a break down, yet so numb. It wasn't until Carmilla, her girlfriend, emerged from the bedroom, asking her what was wrong. When Carmilla placed her hands on Danny's cheek, her face full of worry, asking her repeatedly, that a wail ripped from Danny's throat and the tears fell from her eyes.

Her younger brother, Benny, was in the hospital.

She spent the rest of that day, with Carmilla by her side, as she helped Danny put a suitcase together.

Danny let out a soft sigh. And there was another reason why it felt like she had been home for far too long. She missed Carmilla. Carmilla had to stay in Austria with Fenrir, their husky. Her parents could only afford to fly Danny home, so she could help take care of her siblings.

Danny longed to be back in her tiny apartment. She yearned to be in bed with Carmilla: the vampire curled up against her, her head on her chest as she listened to Danny's steady heartbeat, with Carmilla’s arm securely around her waist and Fenrir across their feet. Her heart ached for the nonchaotic familiarity. But she knew that was selfish to want that at this moment. Her family needed her, she needed to be there for Benny, and she was going to stay as long as she had to. It was her duty to help them and care for her siblings, even if she felt like crumbling under the weight of the responsibility. It made her wish for the simpler days of defending the Silas campus from monsters.

At least monsters were easy. One could physically hurt them and release frustrations onto them. But Danny was helpless against the sickness that coursed through Benny’s body. She couldn't punch, stake, or burn the illness that was slowly killing her brother.

A light tug on the back of her shirt was enough to make Danny jump. She turned around to see the much too tall for her age, Katie. She stared blankly down at her, almost not registering who she was until she spoke.

“Danny, when are we going to eat?” She asked, her voice low and her eyes pleading, as if it would make the food appear faster. Danny flashed her sister a quick smile and reached forward to ruffle her bright red hair, a common trait in the Lawrence family.

“It's almost ready now, why don't you go set the table.” She suggested. Katie gave her a small nod and reached for the plates. Danny fet a pain in her heart when she started to pull out six plates.

“Honey, it's only you, Charlie, and me tonight. Mom and Dad are still out with Benny.” Danny tells her. She watched as her sister stopped and turned to her. The confused and broken hearted face of her nine year old sister was almost enough to make Danny cry. Almost.

“Why aren't they coming home?” She asked in a quiet voice. Danny freezes in a panic. Anxiety constricts her throat and she feels the nausea hitting her hard. How was she suppose to explain to her baby sister that her older brother had been diagnosed with late stage Lukemia? Why did it have to fall on her to tell her that Benny was probably not going to make it to his seventeenth birthday. How did anyone expect her to be faced with a situation like that, let alone know exactly how to handle it.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to put on a brave face.

“Because Benny is really sick and Mom and Dad are there to make sure he's okay. I came home to make sure you 'n Charlie stay out of trouble.” She said, a soft smile playing at her lips as she gently nudged Katie. Her sister returned the smile, but it quickly fades.

“Is Benny going to be okay?” She asked. Danny cursed Zeus for making children so talkative. She adored her baby sister, but even she had her limits. Danny opened her mouth to stutter out some pathetic excuse, only when a loud bang from the living room interrupts her. She thanked Hera that she didn't have to continue this conversation with Katie.

“Charlie, what in Olympia are you doing?”

“Nothing!” He replied, all too quickly. Danny turned off the burner and moved the pot to the back of the stove, before going to investigate.

Upon entering the living room, she noticed that the bookshelf was overturned and contents had been spilt everywhere. Her eyes flicked up to Charlie, who was wrestling a book out of their scruffy mutt, Bear’s mouth. Danny sighed and turned the bookcase upright. Charlie successful rescued the book from their dog and tried to gather as many of them up as he could.

“How about we just clean them up after dinner, okay?” She said. He looked down at the pile of books, then slowly up to Danny and nodded, fully aware of his guilt. Danny smiled softly and kissed his temple. She couldn't help but chuckle at the way his face screwed up in annoyance, clearly not wanting any affection from his sister.

“Go on, give Bear his dinner and go take your seat.” She told him. He hurried off to the kitchen, Bear right at his heels. Danny sighed and straightened up. Yeah, monsters were much easier to deal with than the twins. She turned to go back to the kitchen, her stomach growling (she couldn't recall the last time she actually ate), when the doorbell rang. Bear, in a barking frenzy, bounded from the kitchen and barreled past Danny, nearly knocking her over.

She quickly regained her balance and her shoulders sag. All she wanted was to finally eat and to be left alone for a while.

“Bear, schweigen!” Danny ordered, her voice stern. He ceased his barking and looked back at her. With a huff he pushed off the window and padded back into the kitchen. Danny sighee and hurried to the door, opening it with a forced smile.

“Evening.” She greeted the postman. He gave her a smile and held out the electronic pad and pen.

“Evening, you just have to sign for a package.” Danny’s brows crease in confusion. She didn't remember her parents saying about expecting a package. But she signed it anyways, took the box from the man and thanked him. Her confusion only grew when she saw that it was addressed to her.

“Danny! We're starving!” Charlie's voice pulled her back to reality and she shook her head.

“Coming, I'm coming!” Danny called back, retreating into the kitchen. She placed the package on the counter. She scooped the spaghetti onto Katie and Charlie's plate and gave them permission to start eating without her.

She took the box and hurried to her room. Danny eased down onto the edge of her bed and made quick work of the tape. She pulled the flaps back to reveal a pair of blue socks with cartoon cats dressed as astronauts, a small black plush cat, and underneath both of them was a folded up blanket that instantly made her feel like she was back in Austria. She also spotted a small card tucked under the cat's paw and picked it up.

The front had a drawing of a cat stretched across someone's keyboard, with the words “You're my favorite person to annoy” written above the picture. A small, smile played at the corner of Danny's lips. She opened the card and instantly recognized the handwriting.

Daniele,

My favorite annoyance. I miss you more than you'll ever know, more than a vampire should miss a human. I long for the day you return home to me. The days drone on, feeling so much longer than they truly are. I can't help but be selfish in wanting you to return home, but the apartment feels empty without you here. I know your family needs you, and you want to be there for your brother. This can't be an easy thing to deal with. This is something, as an immortal, I could never fathom.

I can't wait for you to return, the stars aren't the same without you, nor are walks with Fen (who misses you deeply too). I hope this care pack helps with the stress. I even “gave up custody” of our favorite blanket for you. I made sure to let Fenrir lay on it.

Take care, be safe, and come home soon.

I love you, to the moon and back.

Carmilla

Danny kept staring down at the letter, quickly becoming unable to reread the words between the tears that stung her eyes. She was grinning that dorky grin, the one that Carmilla always said she hated, but secretly adored. Danny knew Carmilla could be a bit of a sap, but she also never expected a gesture of her’s to make her cry. She wiped at her face and gently placed the card down, frantically searching for her phone. Danny had to call Carmilla immediately.

[ingridgovaninsights]

The Elliott Chapters- Part 2

When I pulled up in my driveway, I was completely sober. For one, I don’t drink and drive, and besides, I don’t ever drink enough to get drunk. It’s just not something that I do. I don’t like the fact that it makes people sloppy and clumsy and do things they normally wouldn’t… it’s distasteful.

But Victoria came running out of the house, looking absolutely mad, like insane mad. She banged on my window until I rolled it down.

“You’re wasted, aren’t you?” she cried.

“What? No, not at all,” I said. “You know me… I don’t do that, Victoria.”

“You had me so worried! Do you even check your phone? Where were you? I was so worried you wouldn’t come home. You know that right, I worry for your safety?”

I got out of the car, and she was all over me in an instant. She had her arms wrapped around me, and she was practically falling into me. She was smelling my hair.

“What are you doing?” I asked, trying to gently push her away from me.

“Don’t push me!” she cried. “I just wanna hug you.”

“Are you drunk?” I asked, noticing her words were slurring and her movements were quite messy. “You really shouldn’t become intoxicated with the medication you’re on.”

“Relax, relax,” she slurred. “It’s only once in a while. I just needed a drink to calm down, I was so worried sick. Sometimes you really make me go crazy, Elliott.”

“Sure,” I said, taking her arm and trying to help her inside.

Victoria nearly tripped up the steps. She was clearly wasted. Yeah, just needed a drink. I was upset with her- not because she was wasted, but because she was so goddamn overbearing about everything. I had no room to breathe. Yet somehow I was still alive.

She plopped down onto the couch, giggling and playing with the drawstrings on her hoodie. I went to go make her a coffee; hopefully it would help her sober up. I tried to drown out her obnoxious giggling.

“So you never told me where you went,” Victoria went on. “Where were you? Who were you with? Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

“You’re like the mother I never had,” I said sarcastically.

***

I was never a “typical” kid, but I suppose a lot of people might want to say that in an effort to sound unique or to gain sympathy. I am not just saying this- it’s simply the truth. And I don’t expect a pity party or a pat on the back. But for people to further understand me, I have to explain my story, or else they’ll just be freaked out by me.

When I was in kindergarten, my mother was diagnosed with MS, which is multiple sclerosis. It is an autoimmune disease that targets the central nervous system, and eventually it becomes quite debilitating. The news came as a shock to my family, as my mother was a generally healthy individual. She had simply gone to the doctors complaining of fatigue that never seemed to go away… she assumed maybe stress, or her new medication. It took a long time to get the diagnosis, but after several tests it was finally confirmed.

I was only four, so I don’t have a good recollection of anything from that time. I base this part of the story on what I’ve been told, what I know now, and maybe some old pictures. My father hesitantly talks about it, but my mother is always eager to speak on the topic. She’s become quite active in the community now, trying to increase the awareness on the disease, hoping someday there will be a cure. Well, great for her.

Anyways, being the young age I was, I couldn’t begin to comprehend that news at all. My father simply told me that mommy was sick, and it wasn’t the same as a cold where she would get better… it was just something we all had to work together to manage.

Manage. Meaning it wouldn’t go away; we’d just have to make the best of the situation.

Things were never quite the same after that. I really only had a few years of true childhood. They say to “let kids be kids”, but I never got to do that. And even if someone specifically told me to go be a kid and stop worrying, I would never quit trying to help out my mom. She gave me life, so I figured I owed her that much. I would do whatever she needed.

For a while she kept her job, and she was okay for the most part, with the exception of a few days where she’d need to call in because she felt so terrible. On those days, one of my older brothers stayed home from school to make her lunch and keep her comfortable. She usually didn’t eat; she’d stay curled up in a ball, with the TV on mute in the background.

Apparently, MS isn’t a very predictable disease. It can be hard to keep track of, and not everyone experiences it in the same way… often, it’s very unique to the individual. For my mother, she was mostly fine for about a year after diagnosis, and then she started to decline. Her fatigue was more intense, and she began to experience a lot of pain and weakness throughout her body. This made everyday tasks a struggle, and since my dad couldn’t just quit his job, me and my brothers had to help out a lot.

I have four siblings- two older brothers, Tom and Jake; and two younger brothers, Markus and Nathan. So I was right in the middle- in the middle of my line of siblings, as well as in the middle of this chaos. Unfortunately, life doesn’t usually work out flawlessly as we’d like, and my eldest brother, Tom, ended up turning to drugs as an escape from reality. He was never home, and never sober, so therefore never available to help out with my mom. Jake stuck around for most of his high school years, but when he started going steady with his girlfriend at the time, he slowly started to disappear. At first he just slept over at her place on weekends, and after a while he was basically living there. The fact was, nobody wanted to deal with it. We were only kids- how much could my parents expect us to handle?

My dad had a really good, stable job as a firefighter, but it was very physically demanding. He would come home from long shifts absolutely exhausted, and I honestly didn’t expect him to do much except put his feet up. After all, he earned it. With my mom no longer working, my dad had picked up even more hours- it wasn’t like my mom’s disability check would be enough. That is why as soon as I turned thirteen, I started looking around for work.

I was only in grade eight at the time, and most kids my age either didn’t have a job at all, or they had a paper route, something with little responsibility. While my classmates were running around outside playing football and obsessing over the newest video games- I could never get into video games- I was going through training for my first real job. I would be working at the coffee shop downtown that I so often visited. After all, the staff knew me well, and they knew I was reliable. I think most adults saw me as older than I was, because of the way I acted. Hell, I even looked older- these days, I never get carded for beer yet almost all of my colleagues would certainly be.

The training was easy, very straightforward. Any idiot could do it. You had to be able to clean things- wipe surfaces, sweep floors maybe- and you had to know how to pour various liquids into various sizes of cups. It wasn’t exactly rocket science; I couldn’t help but roll my eyes throughout most of it. Sometimes I would ask sarcastic questions, just to keep things lively.

“So, did you attend a college or university program to get to where you are now?” I would ask. “In the coffee pouring industry, I mean. It’s quite admirable.”

My managers would grin and shake their heads at me, and I know now that I was asking inappropriate questions, but I think they just tried to ignore it as best as they could, because they knew my mother was sick and they knew I would do a good job.

Who would turn down a young lad with a sick mother who was willing to work, no matter what the work was? I’m sure they felt bad for my family. But looking back, I’m glad they did, or else we wouldn’t have had the money that we needed to survive.

I worked as much as I was able to while balancing school and caring for my mother, which left no time for child’s play. I was probably the busiest thirteen year old around. I knew my mother was grateful for everything I did, but the problem was that she never showed it. My father never showed any appreciation, either, and I think their lack of love is what I’ll always remember the most vividly. If you love someone, you ought to show it, right? What the hell is there to lose? I don’t really understand why so many people are so afraid of being honest. Sometimes it feels I’m the only one without a filter, the only one with a “no bullshit” policy.

Maybe my mother was so focused on her illness that she forgot to thank me. Maybe my father was so focused on paying the bills that he forgot to acknowledge me. I don’t know. I can’t begin to imagine what’s going on in other people’s heads… if I start trying to mind read, I’ll drive myself crazy. I know this is something Charlotte suffers from, because she talks about it a lot. She used to always come to me with issues concerning Ross, her ex boyfriend…

“I bet he doesn’t really care about me,” she would say sadly. “He mustn’t love me. Why does he act this way? I guess maybe he acts jealous because he cares too much.”

Her stance on the Ross matter went from one extreme to another, and I could never keep up with the drama. I tried to stay neutral, while at the same time supportive, but I hated the bastard for fucking with her mind so much. I couldn’t help that.

Anyways. Enough about Charlotte. My mind keeps drifting there.

***

The night after my writing class, Victoria apologized for her childlike behaviour and insisted we have a date night to help mend things a little. I agreed- I figured dinner would be a good time to discuss some of the matters that had been floating around in my head.

We went to a small, local pizza place; in fact, the very one we went to on our first date. Victoria seemed a lot different then, but perhaps I was wearing some pretty big rose-colored glasses. I had missed all of the red flags in the rush to find love and most importantly, attention. When we met each other at the party we were both quite vulnerable, quite lost in our lives. It was made known to me that she suffered from bipolar disorder, which is okay, but the red flag was that she hardly took her medication. All of the things you miss when you have a hungry heart…

Victoria stared at me with wide eyes, putting on some sort of puppy dog face for me. What did she want me to do, console her? Apologize to her for going out and enjoying myself for once? Making a friend? Stay calm, Elliott.

“Elliott,” she said. “I’m glad we could go out tonight. I wasn’t sure if you’d be, you know, busy or something…”

“Busy with what?” I asked. “I told you I’d be free tonight; I’m a man of my word.”

“I don’t know, maybe hanging with Charlotte or something.” Victoria shrugged. “Just a wild guess. You have anything to say about that?”

“Victoria, this is supposed to be a nice evening,” I said calmly, “why do we have to discuss Charlotte right now? She’s not relevant.”

“I just want to know if you were planning to hang out with her, and then I’ll be done with that,” she insisted.

She wouldn’t be done with it; she never was. The jealousy and insecurity was never put to rest. Even when we changed topics, I could sense the hostility.

“No, I had no plans to see her tonight,” I said honestly.

“Oh, because you already saw her last night?” Victoria said.

The waitress arrived at our table with our drinks. She must have overheard some of our conversation, because she quickly put down our glasses and left without a word. Victoria glared after her.

“What? I was with Jeff, my instructor, last night,” I told her. “Didn’t I say that?”

“That is what you said,” Victoria chuckled. “Be honest with me, Elliott.”

“If you think I’m not being honest, you don’t know me,” I said. “I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet. If you don’t believe me, that’s your prerogative.”

“Stop using fancy words,” she snapped.

“It’s not really that fancy a word,” I argued. “Anyways. Victoria, can we try to enjoy ourselves, please? This argument is pointless. Have you been taking your medication?”

“I think maybe I took it last night,” she said nonchalantly. “Why do you always ask me that? What are you, my father?”

“You do act like a child sometimes,” I mumbled.

The rest of the night was not that great, but I didn’t really expect it to be, given the way it started. Nothing she said or did really surprised me anymore. Sometimes I thought I was only still with her because I felt bad for her, and I desperately wanted to help her and get her better- maybe that’s the way the staff at the coffee shop felt about me… too much pity to let go.

We decided to postpone the wedding for the time being, because things were just too cloudy to be making life-altering decisions.

***

I wouldn’t say I never had a connection with my parents- my father has always been my mentor, a huge inspiration for me… but I was never emotionally close with him. He wasn’t the man you discuss feelings with- you might discuss grades, or career paths, or the game on TV last night… but never feelings. I didn’t have anyone I could go to when I wanted to talk about deeper issues; that was, until I met Charlotte.

Growing up with Asperger's, I didn’t have any friends until high school. I was a social outcast, the “weird one”. I sat at the very back of each class, usually fidgeting with something or doodling obscure images into my notepad. I never noticed classmates giving me odd looks, but as an adult reflecting on my past now, I know for sure they must have, many times over.

The school board didn’t really have enough funding to support my “disability” as it were, so they just pretended it didn’t exist. My parents didn’t really fight much over it- they were far too busy keeping my mother as healthy as possible, given her condition. After all, external and physical conditions are often looked after much more urgently than conditions that go on “invisibly”.

Despite the lack of supports I had, I always did well in school. In fact, my grades were always above average. Perhaps part of it was because I didn’t have friends, so I couldn’t waste much time goofing off anyways. I’m fairly proud of myself because I managed to keep my grades above average even in high school, when things went even further downhill with my mom and I had to balance school and work.

I always enjoyed school for the purpose of learning- the social circles I could live without. Seeking knowledge was always a hobby of mine. I recall my first day of grade nine quite clearly. I was eager to dive into my classes, to learn something new and fill my brain up with random, useless facts I could impress people with. Who knows, maybe people in high school were slightly more mature and some would actually be impressed by that kind of thing. But probably not.

I made it a point to dress nicely, because I never understood why kids my age had to wear baggy sweaters and ripped jeans to look attractive. I would almost say that is the opposite of attractive, but a lot of views are quite backwards now. I was the only high school student wearing a dress shirt and properly fitted jeans. I wasn’t going to go completely out of my way and wear dress pants as well- that might be pushing it. Business casual.

People stared, but I often didn’t pick up on that kind of thing anyways. A few years later, Charlotte told me that everyone used to stare at me, wondering what the hell my problem was. Why didn’t they just ask?

I knew some of the people in my classes- they had come over from the same elementary school. No one I got along with- they were all the kids that scratched the words “FAG” and “RETARD” into my desk. Not exactly “BFF” material.

People my age were often clueless. They had no idea what they wanted to do, they had no idea who they liked or didn’t, and they didn’t even know who they were, really. Teenagers walk around with an overwhelming sense of insecurity, and I just never really grasped that, perhaps because my filter was never there. And I find it hard to relate to people that have no goals or even any original ideas. This is why I made better acquaintances with the teachers, the parents, and the employees at the coffee shop. Adults were messed up too, no doubt, but at least they had more of a concrete sense of purpose.

Anyways… my first day of grade nine was pretty awful. Why do they waste an entire day having people get to know one another? Is that something the school board supports? I think it is a complete waste of time- these people will not be relevant to your life in a couple of years, and knowing someone’s favorite color and favorite TV show isn’t going to further your education in the slightest.

We sat around in a circle, our asses falling asleep in shitty plastic chairs, taking turns sharing three “fun facts” about ourselves. I really don’t think people should be calling them “fun” facts if they aren’t fun. Why couldn’t we take the time to learn about the solar system, or why people found comfort in religion? Something that you could really go into over coffee. I found myself getting angry, trying my best to get through the “lesson”. I guess they called it “orientation day”, or “grade nine day”. The teacher thought my reaction was quite funny, and I think he was doing it only because he had to as part of his job, so I chose not to say anything. Well, at least everyone else seemed to have fun.

I overheard people chatting about it in the hallways. They were all huddled in groups, only half paying attention and half scrolling through their Facebook feeds on their phones.

“Miss Vance is really cool, like, we didn’t have to do any work today,” one girl said happily. “What was it like being in Mr. Flenderson’s class?”

“Oh, we just played a few orientation games or whatever you call them,” another girl replied. “Hey, did anyone else notice that weird guy that kinda kept to himself? I can’t remember his name. Not a common name.”

“Elliott, you mean?”

“Yeah, that guy. Wasn’t he weird? Why didn’t he say anything?”

Did anyone else notice me? Wow. Well clearly they didn’t notice me as they talked about me, for I was standing right across the hall. I didn’t try to hide, or walk away… I embraced it. I wasn’t embarrassed or upset, I was merely curious. What did these morons think of me?

“I don’t know,” one guy muttered. “I went to elementary school with the guy. He’s a fucking weirdo. Always sits by himself in the corner, only talks when he wants to make a smart-ass remark about something, thinks he’s better than everyone else.”

“Yeah! I totally get that vibe. I guess I’m not really surprised he doesn’t have friends.”

A few of them giggled at that, and they slammed their lockers and started towards their next class. A couple of people beside me were staring at me- they knew they were talking about me; I think they were shocked at my flat response. What did they expect, a dramatic reaction? Did they expect me to march over to them, slam them against the lockers and scream at them not to mess with me? Pathetic.

But I caught myself imagining it for a moment, just a moment- walking over there, fists clenched, seeing their faces full of fear when they realize they laugh at me because they’re scared of me. I’d grab that fucking tool by the collar of his forty-five dollar American Eagle shirt and ram him into the lockers, staring him down without breaking contact. He’d be shitting his pants. The girls would look on, not sure what to do. It probably wouldn’t stop there. I’d drop him for a moment, like a basketball, and pause for dramatic effect. Then, relentlessly, I’d start throwing punches to his stomach and he wouldn’t be able to do a thing because he’s all talk and he knows it. He’s scrawny, probably half my body weight. I could take him on without question. In fact, I could right now… the image in my mind was slightly intriguing…

But I shook it off. I couldn’t possibly do that. I had to keep up appearances, keep my record clean and keep the possibility open that one day my parents would be proud of me. But I so badly wanted to; all of a sudden I realized I was angry for everything that had happened to me and I had no way to express it.

And that is why I signed up for drama class.

[cosmosogler]

after this many instances, i can’t tell if being dressed up like an ice cream cone just makes my day horrible or if being dressed up like an ice cream cone is what makes me feel a little sillier after a horrible day.

i dunno. pastel colors are just cheerful. i like these shorts and they only go with the ice cream shirt and the pokemon shirt.

well. i tried to sleep early last night but i was kept awake by, hmm, the usual sort of memories that make your eyes snap open when you’re laying alone in the dark. snoop won’t protect me the way i know eve would. i could feel the, just... heaviness wearing into my face as i tried to settle in and get some sleep.

it keeps me up a lot of nights. weird things set it off. laying in certain positions. unpredictable trains of thought, or maybe my thoughts just get derailed every now and then. certain noises. makes it hard to get comfortable.

i don’t have to “bury the hatchet” with dad if he doesn’t acknowledge there even is a hatchet, right? because his behavior during the family vacation was unacceptable and he never said even one word about it except to be passive aggressive the last month at home.

i wonder if mom notices that i ask about my brother and sister and the dogs but not dad. honestly i don’t really care how he’s doing... i don’t have energy to devote to things i don’t care about and i don’t have the energy to pretend i do care either.

i actually don’t usually ask mother how she is doing either. i feel like that’s a bad habit to get into. i really don’t have any other resources right now though. since i’m three hours ahead of my family now i really can’t... find any good time of day to call my siblings and chat with them. not that i was talking to them that much at home anyway...

anyway i went to school. i left at 7:55, which is TECHNICALLY before 8. i had woken up while it was still dark, 6:30... it was hard to get moving.

no one was at the department when i got there except people who were actively teaching classes so i sat at my desk and tried to power through the quantum homework by myself. i did get a little help with the problem i had trouble with last night from an internet acquaintance, and i did the third and fourth problems by myself with not too much trouble. 

jennica came into the office about 10 minutes before class and i asked her for help. she pointed out what i should focus on and i compared it to algebra distribution and she said “not at all.” then she proceeded to describe how to do the problem using algebra distribution and i got annoyed but i didn’t say anything at the time. quibbling about what to call the thing i was doing cost me time i needed. i tried to do the rest between mechanics and quantum and didn’t get it done. i had to turn it in anyway. i was a little over halfway through it. at least i ha all the other problems done.

after quantum i was hanging out with the other students in suzanne’s office and we were talking about how to manipulate operators because the professor had not been clear on what exactly he was doing when he showed us some stuff at the end of class. he’d skipped a step or two and we were trying to kind of reverse engineer his final equation. jennica disagreed with us about where we could put the operator, even though it was clearly shown in the book. then she started doing the exact same thing we had just done on the blackboard and continued to disagree with us while using the math we had just used. i got that angry static in my head so i went out to try to eat some lunch in my office.

i know she’s probably smarter than i am, or at least a more consistent worker, but it’s frustrating to argue with someone who agrees with you but won’t consciously agree with you. and it’s frustrating to argue with someone when you’re using facts from the textbook with the page open and they are saying “no, that’s wrong.” and then not explaining why they think that.

but she got the homework done and i didn’t. so.

anyway i was checking my emails while i was unpacking my lunchbox and i found the email from the physics adviser. 

(aside- i instinctively spell it “advisor” and i can’t figure out why because every spellcheck keeps correcting me. i looked it up on google and the dictionary says either is fine but i don’t like the red line.)

so my test scores were so bad that i had to meet with him in less than two hours to discuss “schedule adjustments.” i responded the responsible way: by freaking the hell out. i paced around in my office for about 30 minutes before i gave up on trying to sit down and i went out to the counseling center for my group intake appointment. i also stopped by the pharmacy. and i tried to call mom four times. she didn’t answer. i talked to oz about it a little bit while i was walking and waiting at the center. 

i know, deep down, that in my field any sign of weakness or inconsistency is basically death. getting sick will get you laid off when finances get low. being a woman will get you laid off when finances get low because if you’re a woman you have to be exceptional to be considered average. (white) men with the very same qualifications get priority. 

i do not have the advantage of good health. i just don’t. this seriously hurts my ability to perform on a rigorous class schedule. this is why i think that i may not... get my phd. i am afraid that knowing i might not get it is what will cause me to not get it. i’m afraid that the lack of confidence is going to be the deciding factor here. but i can’t not know about this. it’s a very real handicap for me. when i am too stressed for too long my internal organs start permanently shutting down apparently.

ha ha, in a few years i’m not going to have any non-vital organs left. probably.

during my intake interview i started crying and said i was very unhappy today. i felt really bad for taking this interview and making it about this upcoming talk with the advisor. i had brought up that one of my goals for group would be to make the transition to graduate life... at that point i was worried about it still being “graduate” by the end of the day though.

you know, when i went to the pharmacy, i kept telling myself “i’m not going to need those later” in an effort to talk myself out of refilling my medications. i’m not going to need those later, it doesn’t matter, nothing means anything.

when i looked at the front door i sighed and said to myself, “but i will need them later, won’t i.” and that heaviness fell over my entire body again. i’m not afraid to die as much as i am afraid to survive.

mom finally called back as i was leaving to get to the advisor’s office back in the physics department. i told mom what was going on and she said “well, talk to him then!” and i dunno, i felt so brushed aside. i didn’t tell her i was afraid of losing my tuition waiver or my paycheck because of the change in course credits or whatever was going to happen. 

the professor was very nice as usual. he did tell me that my prelim results were extremely worrying. i actually almost passed the thermo portion of the test, but i got essentially a 0 in literally every other subject. he wanted me to drop down into undergrad courses for two out of my three subjects. it ended up that undergrad quantum meets exactly during my classical mechanics lecture, so i got to stay in graduate quantum. he said that was very risky. i told him it wasn’t that i was deciding to take a risk so much as that looked like it was just how it was going to be. he said yeah. 

he was nice about it... he told me that once the university had taken on a graduate student they couldn’t just screw them immediately and that he and the board had put a lot of effort into adjusting my schedule to make sure i had a chance to succeed. and retaking one graduate course next year won’t put me too behind schedule. but if i don’t get a b+ or higher in any of the courses i’m taking now i would be in a lot of trouble schedule-wise and gpa standard-wise.

i dunno. i feel like i didn’t actually have any control over any part of this situation. i feel like i got cheated out of the potential to do well on that test by my eight-month illness. i feel like i should have kept going anyway even though i could only eat so little that i had even lost a lot of weight. 

feeling cheated is the worst. or, one of the worsts.

i feel like i don’t have any control over the direction my life is going in. i mean... i’m making choices, i’m making a lot of them every day and lots of compromises and calculations. but big picture wise i am severely limited by how sick i get and by how dumb i am. i didn’t have any choice about how my schedule was going to change. i didn’t have any choice in which grad school i got to go to. 

i guess i made the choice to go to grad school at all. 2 choices is NOT very many though.

i chose to cough up a pile of money for snoopy’s well-being. mike told me that it is worth it, cats will definitely live longer if they are on the prescription diet after they get kidney disease. snoopy doesn’t have a lot of control over her life. i try to give her some say in what happens. i ask to pet her, i stop brushing if she doesn’t want to even if she’s still kinda grimy. it’s sometimes easier to figure out what cats do and don’t want than it is to figure that out with dogs. 

i’m not gonna compensate for the lack of control in my life by grabbing snoopy’s though. i’m just trying to recognize that i can work within some parameters. even if i’m not happy about the way my academic life is already falling apart around me 10 days into the semester.

so i got a new e&m class and professor with the undergrads. his teaching style is a mess but i already know the material very well from this part of the course. i’m kind of surprised and shocked that he is doing this part of the course so early- why aren’t they working on point charges and forces BEFORE they do flux and green’s theorem and stuff like that? 

he asked me to meet with him tomorrow after lunch. so i’ll be doing that i guess. i need to look up his course web page and syllabus...

after class i was feeling REALLY bad so i went home. i said hi to snoopy and cleaned her litter box and sat around for a while. then i made spaghetti for dinner. it was missing something, and i’m not sure what it was, but i know i didn’t have it anyway. i’m thinking i should use a different kind of marinara sauce.

then i ate a ton of oreos and listened to a taz episode. it was really good... the podcast, i mean. the oreos had gotten a little stale. i forget that it’s humid here and food ages differently.

i had meant to get to some homework from my to-do list but i spent the night diddling around on the computer doing basically nothing instead. i also had ice cream because i just really wasn’t feeling good at all emotionally and i wanted sugar. 

tomorrow i need to teach two labs in a row!!! hopefully it will go better than my first one, which did not go well at all!!!!!

i’m not sure how to proceed here. i didn’t really... read anything tonight. like the lab manual, which i did want to brush up on before i tried to teach the lab again. there was all kinds of weird stuff in there that we didn’t do in the practice lab last thursday and i wanted to be more familiar with it. maybe i can do that before i leave tomorrow. i’ll try to get up a little earlier... 

man, i don’t want to sleep at all. i remembered my dream last night. i kept getting talked over by neckbearded dudes. i couldn’t do anything without getting interrupted, and also i was in a part of “dirt college town” that i had never been in before and it was difficult at best to navigate. at the end i was wandering around in a swamp (which was also in a computer?) and there were the nerds trying to “find secrets” and also there was a bear. i wanted to be alone i think. well, i do now.

[princepercyschreave]

Random Fic

ooc: I figured I should do something since I apparently made Princess Lillian’s birthday today (or yesterday now haha) 😂 and I just made up random dates but whatever. Also, this one’s for the Charcy shippers 😉

mentions @charlotte-bane​ obviously, and @princeevanschreave​ (but idk if i even need to mention that since it’s me)

Mom’s birthday party is held in one of the main ballrooms, but it’s a pretty sad affair. She said she didn’t want any of the Selected to be there, since they “had nothing to do with her.” But that meant we had to keep the whole party a secret from all the girls in the Selection. Which is hard, because they’re kind of all over the palace right now.

So the main ballroom, which is meant to hold a thousand or more people, was filled with the five of us in my immediate family, Dom, Alina, Aunt Eleanora, Uncle Jameson, and Mom’s family who we don’t really see as often. Mom’s only sister, Aunt Jenna, never had any kids, but she and her husband came to the party along with my grandparents, who, again, we almost never see. All together, we were a small bunch of about 20 people, nowhere near as many as should fit in this ballroom.

I do have to admit it’s decorated pretty nicely, though. There are fake, ancient-looking pillars all around the room, and the waitstaff are all wearing togas--which is actually pretty entertaining to watch. The decorators tried to go with an Ancient Greece theme, since Mom and Dad are both so obsessed with that time period--if my name and the names of my siblings haven’t clued you into that, then I’m not sure what else you need.

I stand in the corner of the room, trying my hardest not to make eye contact so I can slip out as soon as possible. It’s not that I don’t want to support my mom, I just don’t think we need this elegant of a party for such a small group. And we’ve been here all day already. It started with breakfast, which was the same as always with all the Selected, then all the royals slipped away into the ballroom as soon as the Selected started to head back to their rooms or the Women’s Room. I just barely managed to catch up with Aricia before she disappeared so I could tell her to meet up with me some time soon. Then I made my way into the ballroom. We gave our presents and sang Happy Birthday, and then it was time for lunch. We had this huge, completely unnecessary, meal for just the small group of us, and we didn’t even come close to finishing all that food. A waste, if you ask me. Now everyone’s been sitting at the dining table they set up, just talking and catching up for the last hour. I see no reason for me to be here. I have better things I could be doing.

I notice that no one has looked my way in a while, and I figure this is as good a time as any to leave. So I quickly back out of the room and shut the door quietly behind me. I only manage to take a few steps before I hear someone exit the ballroom behind me.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Evan’s deep voice asks.

I turn around slowly. “Just... getting some air, of course.”

Evan sighs. “Come on, Percy. It’s Mom’s birthday. At least show a little respect.”

“I did show my respect. I don’t know why we have to “show our respects” all day! There aren’t enough of us to carry that much conversation. It’s boring.”

“Oh, and you have such better plans to go to? What are you going to do? Go flirt with every single girl in the Selection some more? Honestly, show a little class.”

“Oh, like you’re so much better! I saw you leaving the palace with Kat the other night!” I yell.

Evan’s face flushes. “That’s different. I’m not trying to pursue her or anything. We were just surfing.”

“Well, maybe I’m not “pursuing” any of them, either! Maybe we were just talking!” I can’t believe he’s bringing this up like he’s so much better than me. He’s not better than me just because he’s so boring and follows rules that haven’t even been set yet. So I like to have fun? Sue me.

“I’m pretty sure no one believes that,” Evan responds, crossing his arms over his chest.

Whatever. I’m so done with this. “Fine. I’m leaving. Bye.” I don’t wait for his response as I turn and storm down the hall back toward my room.

As I’m walking back to my room, I just turn and punch the wall. I’m so sick and tired of Evan bossing me around about everything. He’s not better than me, we’re just different. Why can’t he see that I’m doing just fine on my own?

I’m too wound up to just go back to my room, but I can’t go back to Mom’s party now. Everyone would know I’d left and I’d have to come up with some kind of excuse. I start walking and let my feet take me where they will.

I stop in front of a door. I know whose door this is, but I’m hesitant to knock. I really want to knock, but I’m worried about her response. But when have I ever let nerves stop me from doing something? I knock on the door.

“Just a sec!” She calls from inside her room, and I smile at the sound of her voice. I hear her feet as she runs over to the door and opens it. Her face, that had been smiling for those few breaths before she recognizes, falls into a frown. “Oh,” she says.

“What? You’re not happy to see me?” I ask, putting a hand on my chest sarcastically. “I’m so hurt.”

“Just surprised is all,” she says. She leans her head out of her door and looks around. “Why are you here, exactly?”

I hesitate. “I just... wanted to see you, is that a problem?”

“Um, n-no it’s not. You wanted to see me?” She asks like she can’t even believe it’s a possibility. If she only knew.

I smile at her confusion. “Yeah, I did. I just... haven’t had the best day and needed to see a pretty face.” I take a little look into her room. “Can I come in?” I ask hesitantly.

I fully expect her to refuse, but she has an odd look on her face and says “Sure.” She motions for me to come inside and I do. She closes the door as I sit down in one of the chairs. “What happened?” She asks.

I sigh. “Evan’s just been stressing me out all day,” I begin. I tell her all my grievances and complaints about Evan and everything he does to try to show that he’s better than me. I can’t believe how patient and caring she is as she sits and listens to me rant. Finally, I realize that I really didn’t want to come to Charlotte’s room just to talk about Evan.

“Whatever. Let’s not talk about this sad stuff anymore. Let’s talk about something fun,” I finally say, changing the subject.

“Are you sure?” Char asks me, looking like she’s trying to make sure I’m really okay.

I smile. “Absolutely.”

She smiles back at me, and it lights up the room. “Alright, what counts as fun?”

“How about the awesome date I’m working on for you?” I smirk.

“Awesome date? Yeah, okay, Percy.” She laughs.

“Oh, it’ll blow any other date you ever go on way out of the water. Which reminds me, do you want the spectacular date before or after your boring date with Dom?”

“Oh gosh, the options. How will I ever choose? How about never; I’d like to not be killed, thanks.”

“Well, the date will be to ‘die for,’” I smile at my own joke.

“Do I get any hints?” She asks.

I think about it. “Well, we won’t be leaving the palace grounds like Evan and his stupid secret date.”

Char rolls her eyes. “You’re unbelievable.”

“What?”

“Whilst failing to give me a helpful hint, you also managed to insult your brother in the process.”

I laugh. “I’m great at multitasking,” I say as I wink.

She laughs back. “Clearly. What else are you good at?”

“I think the better question is what aren’t I good at?”

“Being humble, to answer your question.”

I smirk at her cleverness. “Touché.”

“Well, it is what I do best.”

“What? Being gorgeous and amazing at the same time? Seems we’re both good multitaskers.” I wink at her again.

She looks like she’s barely containing a laugh. “You, my dear, are a senseless flirt. Is this what you say to all the ladies here?”

I pause like I’m thinking about it. “Mmm, not all of them. You’re pretty special, angel.”

Char’s face seems to sober up a little. “You know close to nothing about me, Perseus.”

I lean closer to her so she sees I’m being serious. “I know enough, and I’d like to know more if you’ll give me a chance.”

“Here’s your chance. Ask me anything. And I’ll ask you something in return.”

“Why don’t you seem to want to give me a real chance?” I ask.

“Um... I don’t know. Why do you want one?”

I try to find the words to best make her understand. “I don’t know. You just... intrigue me. I mean... ok, well you may have heard me say that I plan to travel the globe in a year or two and just... see everything. Enjoy myself. You seem like the type of person who would enjoy that as much as me and I’d... like someone like that to come with me. And maybe as... more than just a friend.”

Charlotte hesitates, like she’s not sure how to respond at first. “You’ve mentioned before that Dom gave consent to this--taking to the Selection. Does that still stand?”

I feel a burst of hope rise in my chest, and I fight to keep it down so I don’t get hurt. “As far as I know,” I manage to get out.

“Okay. Then... where? Where in the world?”

I smile, though I’m still not sure she’s fully accepted the offer yet. “Everywhere, I guess. There have been a few places, especially around Europe, that I’ve been before and I’d like to go back, but I’ve never been to New Asia, so I’d like to go there. And Africa, too. And I don’t know where else, I just want to see it all and have fun doing it.”

Charlotte smiles. “I like that idea. I haven’t done a lot, really anything at all in life.”

I feel like standing up and dancing around the room, but I know she’ll look at me crazy and probably change her mind if I do. “You seem like you need a bit of an adventure.”

“I’d agree to that. What kind of adventure, though?”

“Whatever kind you want, angel.” I just still can’t believe she’s agreeing to go with me.

Char laughs, and I’m starting to love the sound of it. “Oh, the possibilities! You really like adventure, don’t you?”

“Absolutely,” I say breathlessly. “So... about that date...”

“Yes... that date.”

I take a breath. “Is it... I mean... are you okay with it?” I know she agreed to go traveling with me, but that could still be as friends. It doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to... date me.

Char purses her lips. “Why not?”

I’m happy she’s agreeing, but I wish she were more excited about it. “So... before or after your ‘date’ with Dom?”

“Umm... before? That sounds reasonable.”

“Alright, I’ll start finishing up the arrangements then. I guess I’d better go... unless you’ll allow me to stay?” I give a hopeful smile, but I hope I’m not pushing things too far.

“Stay in what way, dear lord.”

“Just that it’s getting late, and it’s SUCH a far walk back to my room...” I grin, so she knows I’m joking.

“Exercise is healthy, dear,” she smiles back.

“So you are kicking me out?”

“Do you need an escort?”

“Hmm, you know I think I might.”

“Should I call a guard?”

I sigh. I knew she wasn’t actually going to walk with me. “No. I’ll... see you later, Charlotte?”

“Sure... later. Unless you would like me to walk with you?”

“Only if you want to. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Sweet sentiment, but I’d love to escort you. I wouldn’t want you getting hurt.”

I grin jokingly. “It’s good to know you care.”

“I’m sure. Shall we?”

She extends her hand, just for me to hold, I’m sure, but I lift it to my lips and place a chaste kiss before lowering our joined hands to our sides.

“Let’s go,” I say, smiling at the blush forming on her cheeks.

Her eyes widen, but she only says, “Alright then, let’s.”

I smile as we walk back to my room. I guess this wasn’t such a bad day, after all.

[mysidewriting]

Through the Storm

Note: I'm taking an actual break from posting this story, not sure when I'll be back. School/life is actually a bit too demanding and my writing has turned to shit... So sorry guys, I'll hopefully be able to post new stuff again very soon.

Chapter Sixteen

"Are you as stressed as I am?" Gold asked, shoving his phone into his pants pocket. "This charizard shit is getting way out of hand."

"It's always been way out of hand." I muttered, meeting his topaz eyes from where I sat on the opposing couch. "We're just getting to the root of it now... hopefully."

We were the only two currently seated in the rec room of the basement, attempting to relax. I was shocked at how many couches could fit into one room, there were four placed around the large space and it somehow still looked well designed. A large TV hung on the wall with an amazing array of movies and games filling the cabinet below. As much as I hated the idea of waiting around while crazed people were out to kill the champions, the thought of curling up in this comfy room with a movie was very appealing.

Gold stretched his arms over his head, letting out a sigh as he did so and folding them behind his head afterwards. "Some crazy shit is going to go down. That's for sure." He let out a short snicker, "Especially if that Red guy is gonna be here."

"Do you not like Red?" I asked, shocked at his words. I had figured the two got along, but Gold was a lot more of an explosive personality than Red was. Red was quiet, reserved, and thoughtful; where Gold was harsh mouthed, quick-witted, and blunt. Though he was laid back most of the time, giving off such a passive, carefree vibe - he really wasn't much for stepping back and taking in the entirety of a situation.

Red was that type of guy, and I guess that difference was, understandably, enough for the two of them to have conflict.

"He's a fine dude." Gold said through a heavy sigh. "But we're pretty equally matched in battle, our rivalry runs a bit too deep to have a great friendship." He chuckled.

"Makes sense." I said, smiling at the floor. "I'm excited to see him again, I'm sure Green will come with too."

"Ha! The two never go anywhere without each other." Gold boasted. "That narcissistic prick will be here too. No doubt."

I couldn't help but laugh at his choice of words for Green, he was right… But Green was fine beneath that conceited mask.

The two of us sat there for a while longer, both spread out across the couches and rambling about stupid league challengers that shouldn’t have made it through our elite fours. He had been the Johto champion for much longer than I’d been the Alolan champion, only losing his title for about three days before reclaiming it once again. It had been three years since he’d come anywhere near losing a serious match. Hearing his stories made me wonder why Kukui had thought I was special, two years straight of being the champion didn’t seem that monumental, especially considering how new Alola’s league was. Both Red and Gold had been around so much longer…

I didn’t want to ask anyone about it though, didn’t feel like it was worth the time and didn’t want to seem too obsessed with being ‘the best’. I knew I was a great battler. That much was obvious considering I’d never once been beaten in a match – whether it be for fun or serious. That’s probably what it was then. Just how well I was doing rather than how long I had been the champion. It was weird thinking back to the first few weeks of my trip, or even thinking about things before I’d left. I was so deep into this mess that I’d nearly forgotten what my normal life felt like.

Hau entered the room eventually, looking between Gold and I rather confusedly before grinning and taking his own couch. He flopped down on it hard, stretching his legs over the arm rest and sighing dramatically. “This place is super cool, so comfy.” He said. “It kind of reminds me of your mom’s house, Moon!”

Mom…This place did have some eerily similar vibes to my mother’s interior design choices. Very homey and lived in, not messy, but chock full of blankets and other inviting objects. “When’s the last time you saw my mom, Hau?” I asked.

“Uhm, I stopped by for a few minutes like a day or two before Gladion and I flew here. She was busy with work stuff though, so I didn’t stay long.” He explained, eyes lost up on the ceiling.

Lillie and Gladion stepped into the room then as well, Lillie dragging her brother over to the only other open couch and having him sit next to her. I watched the two of them bicker momentarily, the topic of the disagreement skillfully hidden behind gestures and knowing glances to each other. Gladion ended the fight by letting out a frustrated sigh and crossing his arms over his chest, gaze traveling off to a corner. Lillie smirked as though she’d won. Wonder what that was about…?

“How was she? Did she look okay?” I asked Hau after finally dragging my attention away from the siblings. “I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to her yet.”

“She’s good! She loved those pictures from Oak!” Hau exclaimed in response, What? “Pictures of you and Lillie in Kanto, she was super excited about them!”

“Oh!” Lillie cheered, “So that’s why Oak wanted pictures from me!” She grinned towards me and I couldn’t help but feel a bit awkward about all of it. That my mother had some pictures I didn’t know about and that Hau had been looking through them… I would have been fine if it was just my mom but…

“Wait… what?” I laughed, “I didn’t know about any of this.”

“Oak emailed me and asked if I had any pictures of you while you were visiting Kanto. He said he needed them for a surprise and I totally figured he meant a surprise for you. It’s so much cuter that he sent those to your mom though.” Lillie explained with a soft giggle, “I bet those made her so happy. I sent him a lot of pictures from when we were at Seafoam Island.”

“Gladion and I saw them! They were really good!” Hau called.

I swear the room just got hotter, that couldn’t just be me blushing a furious mess… But of course it was just me. I pulled the hem of my shirt over my nose to hide the blush and slid a bit further down into the cushion of the couch. Gladion saw those too…? When the heck did he start going to my mom’s…? And I was wearing his sweater at Seafom. Arceus that’s awkward.

“Oh.” Gladion spoke up and I knew I should have turned to look at him, but I didn’t want to move. I feared embarrassing myself. “Yeah, I forgot to tell you about that, Moon. I met your mom a little while ago.”

“Why?” I asked without moving, the laugh that left my mouth sounding a bit forced even to myself. “Why were you all the way over there?”

“Hau dragged me out.” He quickly explained, “Guzma was bothering your mom again, so I took care of it.”

That forced me to look up to him, meeting that blank gaze. “You did? Thank you. I know you hate having to interact with anyone from skull so I really appreciate it.” I said, recalling the few times he’d brought the team up since he had left it. Anytime any name relating to team skull came up he looked a bit sick or pissed over it. I couldn’t blame him, I knew that was a dark time in his life. I didn’t even need to know him as well as I did to understand that.

He nodded, “It was no problem, Moon.”

Hau started to shift around anxiously and I figured he was feeling guilty for starting the mess with Guzma in the first place, he quickly blurted out. “It was my idea to bring Gladion there!”

Lillie giggled, “You did well too, Hau.”

“You did.” I echoed, laughing as I saw the look of relief that passed over his face. “I really appreciate everything everyone has done to help my mom. It means a lot to both of us.”

“What happened with your mom?” Gold asked, finally turning his head to face all of us again. I thought he’d fallen asleep once Hau had come in, so quiet and so still on that couch.

I shifted around myself, sitting a bit more upright since my face wasn’t bright red any more. “My dad is a cheating jerk, I found out about all of it when I visited him back in Kanto. So I had to tell my mom about it over the phone and now they’re getting a divorce.” The expression on Gold’s face was remorseful but I waved him off before he could say anything. “It’s fine, I’m okay by now. Just worried about my mom.”

“She’s doing fine though!” Hau filled in, “She keeps saying it doesn’t bother her as much as she thought it would.”

I smiled, “My mom is a tough lady. She can handle anything.”

“Still, Moon. Sorry to hear that, parents can suck ass.” Gold said through a yawn, his back arching as he stretched – similar to a meowth. “Pretty sure my rival’s dad was the leader of team rocket. Like fuck.”

I glanced back towards Lillie and Gladion, just seeing what their reactions would be to his words. Lillie was shaking her head and Gladion was staring off at a corner once again, his jaw bone twitching.

“Oh trust me, you have no idea how bad parents can be.” Hau joked, “Lillie and Gladion know best.”

Gold looked to them, “Yea? You two have shit parents?”

“Moms better.” Lillie muttered, “It took a while, but she’s doing better.”

“Is taking a while.” Gladion corrected, raising a hand to cover his face.

Lillie became a bit sullen at his words, but nodded in agreement anyway. “Family is a work in progress for us.”

“I’d say that’s a good way to put it.” I said with what I hoped looked to be a supportive smile towards both of them. “It’s working pretty well right now.”

Gladion nodded and Lillie smiled, clearly glad to see him accepting the term ‘family’ again.

Hau, Lillie, and Gold ended up spiraling off into more chatter about rivals and how they affected the battling skills of champions and even just typical trainers. Lillie had taken interest in the concept and I hoped she'd be able to find a rival of her own when she got to be more serious about training. I kind of let myself check out of the conversation, pulling out my phone to message my mom and tell her I was okay and apologize for not saying anything sooner. I wasn't sure about the time difference between Hoenn and Alola, but if it was getting late here - it was likely much later in Alola. She would either call or text me back when she got the chance, I hoped it was sooner rather than later - I was feeling homesick for her.

I leaned my head against my knees as Hau started laughing at something Gold had said. I felt disgusting, my stomach churning with the intensifying nausea. I need to tell Gladion already. I didn't want to walk across the room to pull him aside, though. I felt so weird about walking straight through the conversation that was happening, that and Lillie would question me about it... I looked up to him, seeing that he had resorted to messing with his phone as well.

He glanced up as I did, meeting my gaze rather quickly to my relief. His eyebrows pinched together as I made a face expressing how I felt. He waved his phone, confused by my nonverbal attempt to communicate... texting worked just as well.

G//What's wrong?

M//You told me to tell you if I felt sick? I feel sick...

I watched the stoic expression on his face falter momentarily as he read the message, eyes flicking up to look at me very quickly once again.

G//That's good, Moon. I was worried that you hadn't felt sick sooner.

M//good?! Why?!

G//That antidote I gave you should force your body to expel whatever toxins got in. It'll make you puke... but you'll be okay afterwards.

M//Oh. Great.

"Are you...?" I locked my phone immediately as Hau spoke up, he’d been watching. My cheeks started to warm and I shook my head before he could even finish the question.

Gladion's face had turned a bit red too, Lillie now peering at him. I stood from the couch and started to head towards the bedrooms, patting his shoulder as I passed and muttering a sorry for leaving him in the situation.

"What, were you texting each other?" Lillie giggled before I'd managed to completely leave the room.

Gladion just chuckled in response, standing from the couch as well and ushering me out of the room with his hand on my shoulder. "You can't leave me with that to deal with."

The bathroom floor chilled me to the bone, the cold of the tile seeping through my sweatpants so it felt like I was sitting on ice. I readjusted repeatedly, shifting to sit on my knees until they got to be cold. In all reality I was probably just making it worse for myself.

"Aren't heated bathroom floors a thing?" I asked as I shifted to sit on my butt once again, a shiver traveling down my spine.

Gladion made a face, "I don't know? I haven't really considered something so unnecessarily luxurious." He was seated next to the sink, seemingly not impacted by the cold floor whatsoever. Lucky.

"It's necessary!" I fake whined, "Think of how amazing that would feel after a shower."

"Is that why you keep moving? Because the floor is cold?" He chuckled as I nodded pathetically. "There's a small rug in the bedroom, Moon. I can bring it in for you to sit on." He didn't wait for a response before standing and disappearing through the doorway.

"Thank you." I called sheepishly.

He was adamant about me puking up whatever poison was in my system and had suggested we wait by the toilet until the nausea hit me again. We'd been sitting in the small bathroom of the bedroom I'd picked to sleep in for the past ten minutes - listening and commenting on the loud laughter coming from the rec room. We both wondered how much more shame would be tossed our way for texting while sitting in the same room. I was sure Lillie would comment on it whenever we sat and talked next. But, I felt like Lillie would comment on everything now that she knew I had an interest in her brother.

I stood as Gladion came in with the rug, he tossed it down exactly where I was sitting and I thanked him again before retaking the seat. It wasn't warm, but my butt no longer felt like the frozen tundra. He returned to his spot against the sink.>

"Maybe you should take some more of the antidote." He said.

I shook my head hard, gorge rising at the thought of having to taste that bitter drink again. "I don't want to."

"I know you don't but I'm getting worried."

"Let's just wait a bit longer?" I half begged. "Let's talk about something else, maybe I'll throw up if I'm distracted." I laughed, the situation was so strange and I was so thankful for his persistence considering how gross the end goal was.

"Okay." His gaze traveled to the ceiling and I found myself gawking over his facial structure and gorgeous eyes once again. "Would you mind if I interrogate you?"

"It's not interrogating if you ask, you dork." I laughed.

His face broke into a huge grin at that, bringing a blush to my cheeks. "I missed that."

Huh? All expression faded from my face, "What?" I could hear my heart pounding in my chest, amplified like a base drum in my ears.

"You calling me a dork." He shrugged, laughing at himself. "I don't know why I like it so much, but I do." That grin never faltered from his face as he spoke, such a rare sight for him. A broad genuine smile like that.

I ducked my head down, letting my hair fall over my face in an attempt to cover the more intense blush that his words had caused. I had been calling him a dork in an oddly endearing way, not that I had even intended too. Recounting all the times I had, though, it was always in an almost flirty context. He likes it? It felt like my chest could explode from the mix of anxious excitement that was brewing there. Does he actually have feelings for me too?

Do I really have the room to doubt that he does? He's so endlessly nice to me and it seems like he doesn't do any of it for anyone else... But he could just be doing all this because we're friends...

"To pick up where we left off then." Gladion continued as if he didn't see me blushing, I peeked at him through the drape of my dark hair. "What exactly happened in that forest back in Johto?"

"Oh!" I sat upright once again, surprised he was curious of something so far back. "It was Ilex Forest." I gave a brief retelling of what had happened that day, Celebi's appearance to the fight my newly evolved silvally had with the charizard. How I couldn't remember what had happened between when the charizard attacked and when I woke up chained at Magma. He winced as I explained that part, a momentary flash of guilt crossing his face.

"I should have warned you that there was a charizard in Alola looking for you." He said, looking annoyed as he glanced out towards the bedroom, "At least you would have been thinking about it then."

"It's okay though." I said, worried that the annoyance was directed at himself. "Celebi was a warning enough, I don't think anything could have changed the outcome."

Remorse still clouded his features so I continued, voice slightly more frantic as I attempted to get him to stop blaming himself. "Besides, we're a lot closer to solving the problem since I was brought to Magma! It was probably a good thing, honestly."

"True." He grumbled, rubbing his neck. "What happened at Magma then?"

My stomach churned as I thought of the place. "They had me chained up like a medieval prisoner..." Ugh the food they made me eat...

"So similar to Aqua then?" He questioned, looking disgusted as well.

"Yeah kind of." I muttered, placing a hand over my now aching stomach. "Basically I woke up chained to a wall with some guy telling me his plans to destroy the world. Then they forced..." I paused, gagging a bit as I remembered everything. Gladion tensed, looking ready to leap at me for some reason. "They forced me to eat... some nasty shake sort of thing..." It tasted like how I imagine bugs would taste... Another gag cut me off and....

I threw myself at the toilet as bile flew up my throat, what we had been waiting for finally happening. The thought of Magma being enough to make me retch up everything in my stomach. I barely caught the sound of rustling over my own disgusting sounds and suddenly a warm hand was on my back, lightly rubbing circles. You are too sweet... I stayed leaning over the toilet, letting everything empty out until the nasty feeling in my stomach faded.

After pulling the handle to flush all the nastiness away I fell back down from perching on my knees, yelping pathetically as I collapsed into Gladion's lap. He gasped and the hand that had been comforting me slid around my side so it rested above my stomach, inadvertently holding me in place. My body ached too much from barfing up poison to even attempt to move off his legs, my heart thudding painfully hard in my chest. I could just barely hear his own rapid heartbeat over my own, my head close enough to his chest that I was almost tempted to rest against him. We sat like that for a moment, both attempting to control racing hearts and unsteady breaths. He radiated a comfortable warmth that could lull me to sleep if I wasn't so on edge from the awkward position. Whatever gross feelings I'd had before had completely vanished, butterfree replacing the nauseas feeling in my stomach.

He leaned his forehead against the back of my head after a long minute of silence, an exhaled breath bathing my neck in warmth. I forced myself to not shiver at the sensation. Holy crap. Holy crap. Holy crap. His body relaxed and his hand on my stomach slid further towards my side, his arm going around me and pulling me a bit closer to him. "You're okay now, Moon." He said in a hushed voice, breath stirring the hairs at the nape of my neck. I couldn't help but feel like his words held many meanings, telling me I was safe now, not poisoned... but also saying that he didn't mind me sitting in his lap. I could be reading into that too much though.

But... He isn't pushing me away... And I don't really want to move... Arceus, what do I do?

"Moon! Gladion!" We both tensed as Lillie's voice called from the hall, sounding not far away. If she sees us...

A murmured swear left his mouth and he dropped his arm from around my waist. I stood, Lillie calling out once again - sounding even closer. I quickly stepped out into the bedroom, Gladion hesitating in the doorway of the bathroom as I continued on to the hallway. He waved for me to go ahead and my cheeks warmed again, I don't really want this to be shoved aside. I don't want to ignore what just happened...

I stepped into the hallway, expecting to see Lillie just outside so I prepared a smile for her. But instead of Lillie I was greeted with a spine crushing hug and a loud shout of "Moon!"

It took a moment of recovering from shock to realize who was hugging me and once I did I started freaking out as well. I pulled out of the hug. "Green! I didn't expect you to be here already!"

"I thought you were fucking dead, kid!" He shouted back with a grin. "Glad to see ya!"

Lillie stood behind him, grinning up until the moment that Gladion had stepped out of the room I'd just been in. Her face fell into shock and confusion as though she hadn't expected us to be together at all. Gladion had a significantly annoyed look on his face as he saw the former champion of Kanto standing in front of me.... Then I remembered that odd jealousy he'd had towards Green... Oh, Arceus.

Red reacted similarly when he saw me, a look of relief coming over his normally sullen face and wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. He spoke few words, simply saying. "Glad you're okay." Before falling silent once again. He grinned as Lillie came up and waved a pleasant hello, alerting me to the odd feeling bond that had formed between the four of us after what had happened at the restaurant. I'd had to leave Kanto so quickly that I hadn't had a chance to even really see Green and Red long. But all four of us seemed to have some deeper connection, likely relating to that first encounter with the charizard issue and also possibly the Seafoam island trip.

Gold, Steven, Hau, Lillie, Gladion, Green, Red, and I all piled back to the dinner table to hear from Green and Red about half an hour after they had arrived. Brendan and May had gone out to clean up some last minute things left behind at the previous hotel and assure that Aqua hadn't followed us to the house. I was kind of upset they hadn't invited me along since I had such an ache to go out and see things for myself - make some progress with the current issue. But they hadn't known, and I'm sure I'd be shut down almost immediately considering the fact that my name was on a wanted dead list.

Apparently Green and Red had been in Hoenn for two days now, having also found some suspicious evidence relating to the charizard attacks leading back to the region. They hadn't known about Aqua and Magma's location, or that Gold and I had been brought here. So once they got the call from Steven they made sure to come to the house immediately. Green spent a good five minutes complaining to both Gold and I about not contacting them sooner and saying we were safe and not dead. Gold only rolled his eyes at him, making some snide comment about how he wasn't at the top of his list for that sort of stuff.

No matter what it was, we hadn't had the time to tell anyone. I'd only been able to tell Gladion I was okay by risking my cover as an Aqua grunt one night. I tried to explain this, but the minute I said that I had called someone else Green started going off the walls again.

After he had calmed down, satisfied with his seemingly pointless ranting, Steven gave both him and Red a rundown of what we had learned so far and what we suspected to be true. Red's head bobbed, his face sullen and serious despite the severity of Steven's words. I envied him for being able to stay so calm in such a deadly situation for us, same with Steven. But they had both been champions for a very long time, and dealt with plenty of region-wide issues in the past. They had a much thicker skin than even Gold had. I was still just a kid when it came to experience with region-wide crises.

Steven thanked Green specifically for being here, glad that another significantly powerful non-champion had come to help with the issue. Green scoffed in response.

"I'm practically a champion, though."

Red laughed, shaking his head.

"But you're not." Gold stated bluntly, passing him and almost evil looking grin that made Green go a bit red in the face out of anger.

"That's what's helpful." I added with a shrug. "They probably won't be trying to kill you, so you're kind of under the radar."

Green laughed. "Pshh... I bet they are after me, I've been just as important in champion stuff as long as this guy." He hooked a thumb to Red.

"Don't victimize yourself, Green." Gold said, continuing with the snide remarks. "For once you're non-champion status is useful."

"Can we stop." I said, closing my eyes so neither would see me rolling them. Steven and Red agreed with me, nodding their heads.

"Fine, out of respect for Moon. I'll cut it here." Gold said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. The grin on his face was still picking fun at Green.

The other man said nothing more, though, only voicing an annoyed 'tch' before imitating the same contemptuous position as Gold had. I elbowed Gold, hoping he would get my message to ease up a bit and he seemed to follow it, letting the front legs of his chair hit the ground and sitting a bit straighter.

"I thought the champions got along really well." Hau muttered from the opposite end of the table, a harmless little comment...

"Oh the champ-" I slapped my hand over Gold's mouth before he could finish the sentence, drawing a booming laugh from Steven, Red, and Green.

"We're like any other family." I said to Hau, though I didn't have much grounds to make the assumption. Everyone nodded anyway, agreeing that it was a great way to describe the relations between champions.

Note: Thanks, hope you guys enjoyed this and everything else I've posted thus far! c:

[freckledandfighting-blog]

Hamilsquad x Reader Chapter 1.

Hello hello hello! Guess what, its me. And I’m containing myself from singing the rest of ‘Hello’ from Adele. So chapter 1 is up, please comment, ask questions request because I get bored sometimes all the time.

Warnings: Horrible editing, I’m on my phone posting from a roller coaster. Also swearing, always swearing.

2:09 pm.

It had been eleven days since you had told your boys. The week was spent with everyone packing, Alex repeating your family’s names under his breath, Laf trying to perfect his English, and Mr. Washington practically forcing your boyfriends to take a break. Alexander had enough unused sick days and vacations for all of you.

Angelica gave you the week off as soon as you said yes to her promotion.

“Yes. Definitely. You are going, that is final.”

“Yes, Angel, thank you so much for your input, I wouldn’t have gone without your permission.” You said sarcastically. She shoved you with her elbow and swiftly pushed you out the door so you could actually do your job.

“Don’t forget you have to start interviewing people eventually!” She called to you from her office.

3:09 pm.

“How much sunscreen do I need to take?” John asked you, sitting on his suitcase, which was overloaded with his bathing suits and art supply.

It was Thursday afternoon and you and your boyfriends were spending your last day before leaving perfecting your packing. You were leaving on Friday after Alex, John and Laf’s coffee run, they were given an extra day off. Hercules was leaving Cato with the shop for the break and Angelica said if you came to work that day, she would call security.

“I mean, I’m sure we have some at the house.. maybe a bit if you want it.” You said nonchalantly, checking your passport.

“I don’t need anymore freckles.” You looked up. John was shirtless, debating between two shirts. Freckles were dappled across his shoulders, down his back, a few on his toned chest.

“I like your freckles.” You tilted your head, clearly checking out your boyfriend. He turned around, a mischievous grin spread over his face.

“What are you-” you were scooped up and thrown on the bed. He attacked you with kisses, tickling your sides, making you squeal a protest.

He responded with more playful kisses across your collarbone. You squirmed under his grip, but not really trying.

“Lemme go!” You whined, pushing your hands up against his shoulders. “Johnny!”

He didn’t let go, but he stopped tickling you and just rested his head in the crook of your neck. You sighed, shifting under him, getting as comfortable as possible with your boyfriend collapsed atop you.

Well.. as possible you can get with another human on you.

It was these little moments that really made you fall in love. Cuddling, curling up and watching Stranger Things, buying ice cream, dancing on the sidewalk.. the list could go on forever. It was the simple seconds you spent with your partners that made you fall more in love with them anymore.

“Y/N-” Alex started, then froze when he walked into the room, seeing the two of you. “Aww!”

You grumbled halfheartedly, not really making an effort to complain. You were cozy, using John as a personal heated blanket, and you were not moving. He nuzzled his forehead on your collarbone, humming slightly. You could feel him nibbling lightly on your neck.

“Laffy! Herc! Look they’re being adorable!” He yelled, leaning his head out the doorway, alerting the other two.

“Shuddup Alex.” You said into John’s shoulder. “Alexandre, couldn’t it wait-” Lafayette opened his mouth making an inaudible coo. “You look so cute, Mon Petits.”

John lifted his head, a satisfied grin across his face. You narrowed your eyes, confused of his wicked smile. “What did you do..” You said accusingly.

“Johnathan Laurens!” Hercules scolded, shoving him off of you. You jumped up, running to the bathroom. He definitely did something.

“Fucking hell!” You yelled, throwing your arms into the air. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

John had left a large red hickey on your neck.

“Oops!” He called from the bedroom. You could actually hear the cheeky grin on his face. “My bad!”

“We’re meeting her parents in less than forty-eight hours! No kisses!” Alex instructed, crossing his arms. Alex was 5'6 he wasn’t tall, he had a slim figure, he was far from threatening.

“But Alex!” John whined loudly. “She’s so kissable!”

You rolled your eyes. “So are the rest of them.” You gestured to your other partners.

“Tell us more about your family.” Hercules wrapped his arms around you, hugging you from behind. You smiled, kissing his shoulder.

“What do you want to know?”

“Chase, Lucas, Oliver, Charlie, Percy, Scott, Tyler, Dylan, Theo, Mason, Roy, Conner, Cory, Liam, Benny.. I’m forgetting someone!” Alex wailed, collapsing dramatically on the bed. “But don’t tell me! I have to figure this out.”

You smirked, knowing instantly who he was missing.

“Fifteen.. who’s the sixteenth?” He murmured, hitting his head with a pillow.

“Alex, Honey, relax.” John soothed, shoving a pair of flip flops into his suitcase. “They aren’t going to freak if we don’t know all of their names.” He turned toward you, his eyes wide. “They won’t freak if we don’t know all of their names, will they?”

“They are much more worried about getting Laf’s right.” You laughed, winking at the Frenchmen.

“Many have tried, few have succeeded.” He chuckled, blowing you a kiss.

“Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette.” You answered, shuffling around with Hercules still attached to you. “Eleven words.. my mom has more kids than that, she’ll manage.”

“Who am I missing!” Alex succumbed to help. “Fifteen.. who am I forgetting!”

“Our favorite.” Hercules kissed you head, his laugh vibrated against your back.

“Who?” Alex said desperately.

“Me.” You grinned, a teasing smile on your face. He mouth ‘o’ before sighing in relief.

“Chase, Lucas, Oliver, Charlie, Percy, Scott, Tyler, Dylan, Theo, Mason, Roy, Conner, Cory, Liam, Benny and Y/N.” He breathed, closing his eyes. “Thank god.”

“It worries me you forgot the name of our girlfriend who’s family we’re visiting.” John threw a pillow at Alexander’s head.

“Tell me stories of little Y/N!” Herc pouted. You huffed.

“I fended for myself at the dinner table, earned the eldest’s respect, in my household, it’s eat or be eaten.” You joked, a serious expression on your face. “I doubt you guys’ll survive dinner unless we eat out.”

“I don’t think I like this story.”

“I’m joking.. sort of. You’ll probably like my siblings.. Probably.” You hummed.

“Story Time!” Alex yelled, clapping hysterically like a seal. You groaned, throwing John a shirt from your suitcase.

“Tyler, Dylan, Theo, Mason, Roy, the twins, Liam, and Benny are the ones you really have to worry about.” You tilted you head, thinking about it. “They pull the most pranks, since they’re the youngest.”

“Only like half of your brothers.” Herc commented, earning your glare.

“Chase through Scott are okay. They’ll be more interested in making fun of me. And Lucas is going to be the most sane because of his kids.” You turned back to the four of them, narrowing your eyes.

“Don’t you have packing to do?” You asked, putting a pair of shoes in your bag. “We aren’t coming back for a week.”

“I’ll pack tomorrow.” Alex procrastinated in nothing but if had something to do with clothing, he wouldn’t even think about it.

“Alexandre we’re leaving tomorrow.” Laf’s inner mother hen was coming out. “Go pack.” He ordered, shoving the smaller man off his lap.

Alex simply responded with a loud screech.

“Alexander Hamilton do not make me go call Angelica!” You spun around, making him go silent and freeze.

Angelica Schuyler was the by far the level-headed, most impowering woman you had ever met.. Unless one of your boyfriends was acting up. Hercules and Lafayette were smart, they knew about Angelica’s signature ear grabbing, John and Alex on the other hand weren’t as careful. They often forgot she was there and start leaving hickeys and pinching each other. In simplest form:

Angelica did not like that.

“I’m good, I’ll go pack.” He squeaked, tripping as he sprung off the bed and out of the room.

“Well that’s one way to get things done.” Hercules held in a laugh watching Alexander stumble around.

“'Ow you say ‘whipped’.” Laf said, zipping John’s finally packed suitcase.

“The Angelica Card always works.”

7:02 am.

“It’s too early!” John whined, rubbing his eyes.

“Suck it up, Buttercup.” You pressed you lips to his temple. “You can sleep through the flight, it’s going to be about two hours till we land.”

You were sitting in between Hercules, who had the isle seat, and John who was by the window. Alex and Lafayette were behind you and John talking quickly in French. You only caught a few words, hearing your parents’ names as well as your own and your siblings.

“No! Sleep is for the weak..” He quickly lowered his voice, remembering he was on an airplane. “Oops.” John’s outburst was greeted with many ‘shh’s.

“Fine, but the ride to the lake is another two hours, so you better sleep then.” You reminded him, fiddling with your earbuds. “My family is going to be exhausting.”

“Maybe you should be the one sleeping, Princess.” Hercules chuckled, lacing his fingers with yours. “You seemed more stressed than Alex.”

“HEY!”

“SHH!”

“Yeah, Alex.” You teased, looking back at him and Lafayette.

9:34 am.

“You don’t know true power until you’ve had six three-hour energy drinks and a large cup of coffee with four shots of espresso.” Alexander was bouncing up and down, sitting on the baggage cart that was filled with your many suitcases.

“Never again..” Hercules murmured, rubbing his forehead.

“I’m banning Alex from Starbucks for the week.” You sighed, watching him let out a squeal of glee as Laf pushed the cart.

“He will die without coffee.” John commented. He hadn’t taken your advice and spent the entire flight playing flappy bird. He was mostly leaning on you for support.

You clicked you tongue against the roof of your mouth. “Without Starbucks no, he’ll just suffer, my mom makes an amazing coffee-caramel ice cream that no one can miss out on.”

“Sugaarr..” John moaned, banging his head against your shoulder. You laughed, kissing his forehead.

“ALEXANDER HAMILTON!” Lafayette yelled, running after Alex who was riding the cart down the slope of the parting lot. Laf must of let go of the cart at some point which was definitely not a good idea.

“That ended badly when Cory and Conner did that.” You remembered the stitches and the broken nose they received after the incident.

“Aww!”

You silently thanked Laf for catching him.

“You’re no fun!” He whined as he was scooped off the cart. “That was entertaining!”

“Ne discutez pas avec moi, Alexandre.” Lafayette threw his boyfriend over his shoulder and continued to push the luggage.

“That’s the car.” Hercules pointed to the black Chevrolet that’s lights were blinking.

“It’s like an FBI car!“John exclaimed excitedly, dragging you toward it. “It’s so shiny!”

“I’m surrounded by children.” Herc mumbled, face-palming.

“Alright, alright.” You ‘shh'ed your boyfriends. “John you aren’t driving, you are sleeping the entire drive.” You instructed, opening the backseat door. “In.”

He raised his hands in surrender, entering the car.

“Alex no way in hell are you driving, you’ve consumed way too much caffeine.” Laf was facing the opposite direction so you could talk to Alex, who was still being carried.

“I take offense to that!” He crossed his arms. You raised an eyebrow, seeing if he wanted to argue with you, which he didn’t. Alex quickly was put down and he retreated to the car.

“I’ll drive if you put the address in, Princess.” Hercules said, shoving the last of the suitcases into the trunk. “I don’t mind.”

“Thank god because I will get road rage and I will yell.” You sighed in relief, quickly kissing him and Laf on the lips.

“Mon Amour, we know, that’s why he offered.” Lafayette grinned, helping you in the car next to Alex, John was already falling asleep on his boyfriend’s lap.

“Fair enough.” You yawned, buckling your seat. You have Herc your address, feeling your eyes lids grow heavy.

11:24 am.

“Hey, Babygirl.” John lightly cupped his hands together, waking you. His voice was nervous. “Time to get up, little one.” You yawned, reaching you arms out as you stretched.

“What’d I miss?” You sat up, arching you back.

“I followed the GPS to the address.” Herc said from the drivers seat. “But I might of taken a wrong turn, because there’s nothing here.” You looked outside.

The car was on a familiar gravel road. Willow trees were hanging over, the swaying leaves hitting to car lightly.

“You did perfect, I can get us there from here.”

“I’m not complaining.” Alex said from above you. He had climbed through the sunroof and was sitting atop of the car. “It’s nice out here, really quiet.” You smiled, glad he was actually relaxing.

“Mon amour, do you mind driving? I think our Hercules needs a break.” Laf kissed Herc’s forehead. He did look tired, you nodded.

“It’s probably best I get us there anyway.” You opened the door, stepping out. The air was fresh, and warm due to the sun. It was different that New York, not filled with different smells, just the clear scent of summer.

Sunshine. A soft breeze. Wildflowers.

“Thank you.” Herc said sleepily, getting out of the drivers seat.

“It’ll be another thirty minutes till we get there, sleep.” You instructed him, kissing his cheek. “Alex, you should probably get back inside.” Alex did not get back inside.

“Honey come back in the car.” John whined, tugging on his boyfriend’s foot.

“But it’s nice up here.” He protested.

"Alexandre.” Laf said in a gentle, but warning tone. Alex panicked and jumped back in the car. Lafayette did have that effect on people.

The rest of the drive was quiet, Alex head was out the window, Herc was using John as a pillow, Laf was placing small kisses across the back of your hand and wrists.

You parked the stone pathway, that winded along the lake. The house wasn’t yet visible, shielded by the gardens around it. You could see some of your siblings on the docks, who were noticing the new car pulling up.

“Uh,” you clasped your hands together, gaining your boyfriends’ attention. You sent an apologetic look on your face towards Hercules since he was sleeping. “I want you guys to know.. my family has a different amount of money than most families.”

“We don’t care how much money your family has, Mon amour.” Laf pressed his lips to your fist. “We love you, and we’ll love your family.” You inhaled.

“Okay, and I’m just forewarning you on this one, their sort of crazy.”

“Don’t stall, Babygirl.” John teased.

"Oh my god! We can go swimming! Is that a speedboat?” Alex was bouncing up and down in his seat.

“Y/N!” Your brothers waved frantically from the docks.

“We could turn back now.. They aren’t very athletic.” You said, opening the door and stepping out of the car. The warm sun hitting your skin instantly.

You pulled out a familiar red whistle from your pocket.

“Is that a rape whistle?” Alex asked, popping his head out from the sunroof once again. You laughed, shaking your head.

“You’ll see.”

“That’s another boat? Do you own that one? What about that big floaty thing? Do you own that too? How about the-”

You pressed the whistle to your lips, blowing as hard on it as possible.

“HOLY FUCK!” John covered his ears, then looked around frantically, as if he was being watched. “I probably shouldn’t have said that around here.”

“That should summon them.” You put the whistle back in your jean pocket. “There’ll be a stampede in the house, so I think she should leave our bags here for now. If your ready to meet a family from your nightmares, right this way.”

“I really do hope your lying.” Laf blinked, watching your brothers that were on the docks dash into the house.

“This fountain is bigger than our kitchen.” Hercules stared in awe of the marble fountain.

“Screw the fountain!” Alex said, wildly gesturing back and forth from the fountain to the docks. “That speed boat is bigger than our entire apartment!”

“Is that a horse?”

“Moving this way.” You said, trying to change to conversation. You lead them down another gravel path that lead to your house. “You’ll probably sleep in my room, my bed is big enough.” You informed them.“

“Can we go swimming?”

Alex was probably the most excited about being on the lake. He was from the Virgin Islands and New York didn’t have the cleanest waters so he had to stick with pools. He was thrilled to be near the water and you could already picture the red sunburn he was going to receive after not wearing sunscreen.

“Yes, we can go swimming.”

“But the horses-”

“We can do that later.” You stared at the gardens that surrounded half of the house in a semicircle.

You grew up with a wealthy family. Your parents made a lot of money. They also wanted a big family. They exceeded the ‘normal’ amount of children by having thirteen more kids.

“Chase, Lucas, Oliver, Charlie, Percy, Scott, Tyler, Dylan, Theo, Mason, Roy, Conner, Cory, Liam, Benny and Y/N.” Alex murmured again, kicking rocks under his foot.

“Scarlett, McKenna, Diana, and Marco.” John added, taking his boyfriend’s hand. “And then William, Hunter, Zara, Kylie, Owen, and Lydia.”

“Jemma and Stephen are your parents.” Laf finished.

“Why thank you, now I know all of my family member’s names.” You said sarcastically but a large grin was spread across your face.

You were happy, this was your childhood home. You grew up going to this house every summer. And this week, you got to not only share it with your family but your boyfriends as well.

You stepped up to the front door, turning back to your boyfriends. You inhaled once more, telling yourself to relax.

You smiled at your partners. “Welcome to hell.”

Okay thank god I finished this today. I will definitely update next week. I hope you enjoyed and honestly I’m super jumpy right now and sorta bored now that I’m posting this because it’s only been two hours and thirty minutes since I got in the 'Space Mountain’ ride at DisneyWorld. Okay *inhale* thank you for reading.

[mickeymccarthyarchive-blog]

truth time || mctwips

TAGGING → MICKEY MCCARTHY, MADISON MCCARTHY & MASON MCCARTHY LOCATION → the mccarthy house. TIME FRAME → 5/4/17, evening. NOTES → mickey tells the truth about her and santana, obvious mention of santana lopez, no other warnings.

Mickey sucked in a sharp breath, looking at the clock above Mason and Madison's heads instead of directly into either one of their eyes. She'd given Mason a bag of cookies to munch on, but she knew that no amount of dessert snacks would be able to prepare Madison for what she had to tell her. She couldn't stop pacing -- good lord, why couldn't she just sit still? She looked at her siblings, seated on the couch, the only noise the ticking of the clock and the munching of Mason and his cookies. "Okay, so, there's a reason why I wanted to have a family meeting, and I don't really...even wanna say any of this at all, so before I do, I need promises that I'm not going to be shunned -- no matter what I tell you."

Madison had had too much on her mind to really give much thought to why Mickey had called a family meeting, but as she watched her sister pace, she realized that her priorities had clearly been skewed. Who cared what tablecloth she was going to use when Carter came over, or what might happen if Carter's parents came home unexpectedly when she was over later, when Mickey was clearly about to confess to murder. "Mick," Madison tried to keep her voice level, reassuring. Her sister's anxiety was rubbing off on her, and she shifted on the couch. She wanted to smack the cookies out of Mason's hand; she knew a bribe when she saw it, and she was glad that Mickey at least knew better than to try similar distractions on her. "I keep Dad's lawyer on speed dial. If you committed murder, we'll be your alibi." Madison half-smiled, but didn't quite make it. She didn't try to tell Mickey to sit down, or relax, as she knew that both of those things would just stress her out worse. "Is everything okay? Is this a hospital thing?" Madison's eyes scanned Mickey's body, looking to see if she'd missed any obvious signs of trauma--it didn't look like she had, which truly only disquieted Madison further. Whatever this problem was, Mickey was worried about being shunned, which meant that it would either be stupid or infuriating or both, but Madison tried to push those thoughts aside. Whatever it was, she told herself, they'd get through it.

Mason raised his eyebrows and smacked Madison's arm gently. "Oh my gosh! That was my first thought too!" he exclaimed before stopping to brush the crumbs off that he'd gotten on Madison's shirt. "I'm not sure what that says about us." He grabbed another cookie and took a bite, turning his attention back to Mickey. "Listen, Mick. We're not Amish. I could never be Amish. I couldn't live without my hair dryer." Someone in this room needed to be funny before they all died from the tension. "Seriously though, just tell us."

Mickey sighed. "So you guys know how Santana was here last night?" She said, stopping to look at them both briefly before averting her eyes again. "There's...there's a reason for that," she told them, struggling with her words. She let out a shaky exhale, "It's because Santana is bisexual, she came out to her mom and her grandma and...her grandma's really, really upset about it," she continued. She looked at them, giving them a minute to digest that. "Which...not a big deal, whatever, but...you probably wonder why she came to me," she added, "And...it's because Santana loves me."

Madison appreciated Mason's attempt at humor, but as soon as Mickey spoke, it felt like all the air left her lungs. She had been...curious, to say the least, about Santana's arrival, but not so curious as to actually ask. And now that she had her answer, she felt vaguely sick. It was too much information. Not the matter of Santana's sexuality--that was hardly anything, especially compared to the other bombs that Mickey had dropped. A homophobic Latina grandmother? Cause for concern, on several fronts. Santana being in love with her sister? Madison blinked. Tried to clear her throat. She hadn't said anything for too long. She studied her fingertips, then let out a breath. "Oh." It was all she could manage - she could feel the dozens of questions beginning to take shape in the back of her mind, but she was too stunned to give any of them voice.

Mason scrunched his face up curiously as he tried to figure out exactly what was going on, still slowly chewing his treat. "I mean... everybody loves us," Mason pointed out before Madison gave him a glare. "Oh! Ohhhhh. Like loves you. Like wants to makes playlists for you loves you." His eyes went wide as realization finally set in. "You got the head cheerleader to fall in love with you? Wow. That's impressive."

Mickey wanted to laugh at what Mason said, but she felt a little too nauseous to. She gave him a weak smile, "She's not out..." she continued. "And like, I just...I kept something from you guys for...a long time -- since November. I've...I've loved Santana since November," she said, swallowing hard. "We um, we dated for a short time back in November. In secret."

Madison felt her jaw tighten. Every word Mickey said just made it worse. Her sister had lied to her. For months. About Santana Lopez. Who had been in her home the night before. Her sister had lied to her. For months. Madison knew it was selfish; that she should be better than this. Better than the hurt and betrayal, better than the knee-jerk reaction of how could you. Better than wanting to use this as proof of a deteriorating relationship. Madison blinked. Once, twice, and let out a measured breath, looking carefully back up at Mickey. "Does she make you happy?" Madison finally asked, voice very quiet. She reminded herself that that was all that mattered. That her sister was happy. Deliriously, overwhelmingly happy. She thought about Marley, the vitriol with which she'd protested her and Mason being together, and how happy they were now. It was difficult, to say the least, to imagine a similar relationship between her sister and Santana Lopez but then again, she figured that herself and Carter was probably similarly puzzling...Madison closed her eyes and tucked her hair behind her ear. She needed to focus on breathing, and not shunning her sister. Her hand slid into Mason's automatically, ignoring the dust of cookie crumb on his fingers. If she had half a chance of getting through this without making Mickey angry, it would be with Mason's easy, effortless sweetness, his reflexive goodness. Not for the first time, Madison found herself wondering where Mason had learned it; where Mickey had learned her bravery. Of course, she recognized the fear--the caged animal, the rip-the-bandaid off approach--that was all Madison. She found she didn't like it much when she was on the receiving end.

Mason 's mouth fell open into a perfect 'o' shape. He had to admit, he had not seen that one coming. That was a long time to keep a secret, especially in this house. He hadn't even managed to hide the fact that he ate a whole jar of peanut butter in one night last month. He felt Madison's hand slide into his and he gave it a gentle squeeze to reassure he that he was here. "You know we wouldn't have outed her, Mick. I mean... did she ask you not to tell us?"

Mickey bit her lip, "We aren't together anymore, I mean, not really -- because, well, I broke up with her after about a month or so," she cleared her throat. She knew Madison was mad, but she also knew she couldn't do anything but tell the whole truth now. Mason's question only filled her with guilt. "I know you wouldn't have outed her, and she didn't explicitly ask - no, but...I just. I know that when I was still stuck in the closet, I didn't want anyone to know on someone else's terms, just on mine, and I...I wasn't gonna tell you guys unless I had an okay from her. I...got the okay last night," she clarified. Mickey ran a hand through her hair and gathered her thoughts again, "We're not together anymore," she continued. "And that was because...I couldn't hide anymore. I didn't want to make her come out, but I also didn't want to put myself...back in," she said, tears prickling in her eyes. "And I was miserable when we broke up. I was so miserable. I didn't wanna get out of bed or even breathe," she told them, frustrated at how unnatural it felt to let her feelings be practically laid out on the coffee table. "I never felt good about keeping it from you, but I hope you can understand why I did, and...and if me and Santana do get back together, it will be when she's okay with being out..." she trailed off. "And...I didn't want all of this to explode one day and for you guys to be the last to know, so...you're the first."

Madison felt actually sick. She remembered, distantly, last December, her sister acting...strangely. But she had no idea. How had she been so utterly oblivious? How had she not known? How had all of this happened under her nose without her even having a clue? Confusion and the persistent feeling of failure made for a dangerous cocktail and Madison ran a hand over her face, letting out a low breath. "Okay." Madison said slowly, looking from Mason to Mickey. "I--okay. This is--this is a lot." Madison let out a weak little chuckle and looked at the ceiling for a brief moment. It didn't escape her notice that Mickey hadn't actually answered her question--if Santana made her happy or not, which was the only question that really mattered. She had mentioned them getting back together, which to Madison seemed like a truly terrible idea, but she couldn't tell how rational a feeling that was. If such a thing as a rational feeling even existed. "I'm--I'm glad you were able to...to stand up for yourself and do--do something hard." Madison felt like someone else was saying the words, like she was watching herself recite lines from a script. She hoped it didn't sound like that to Mickey. "Thank--thank you for telling us, Mickey. We love you."

Mason wasn't entirely sure what to say or do. He wanted to be there for both of his sisters but that seemed near impossible right now. He could feel Madison's tension as she sat beside him and he could hear it in her words, like she was just saying the ones she thought she should say. "I get that. I wouldn't have wanted you guys telling anybody unless I was ready either," he agreed, nodding slowly. Instinctively he lifted his arm and wrapped it around Madison's shoulders. "How do you feel, Mick? That's important to us."

Mickey sighed, knowing that Madison was angry with her. "Right now, crappy, for a myriad of reasons," she crossed her arms over her chest.  "I don't want to know how MadisonAndMason feel, I want to know how Madison feels. I want to know how Mason feels. Individually," she said, sniffling. "If my sister's mad at me, I want to know that she's mad at me from her lips instead of her eyes.

Madison swallowed and shrugged out of Mason's arm, standing. She crossed her arms over her chest; Madison was just as uncomfortable as Mickey with putting word to emotions, especially the ones that she didn't clearly, perfectly understand herself. "I'm--I'm not mad," Madison finally said, her voice thick. "I'm--sad. That you didn't tell us. And annoyed, at myself for--missing it. And worried about you maybe possibly in the future getting back with someone who nearly recloseted you and who's absence debilitated you." Madison took a breath and continued, a little calmer. "But I'm not...mad. I just miss when we all told each other everything." Madison looked back at Mason, then shrugged and sighed, hugging her arms tighter around herself. She wanted to get out of the house; she wanted to leave. She wanted to go to Carter and forget all this--it was too much to process. She knew that, later, when she was able to get some distance, she probably would be angry, but that was a distant, secondary or tertiary emotion. She looked from her sister to her bare feet, and said in a very small voice, "I just want you to be happy, Mush."

Mason was about pull his arm back after Mickey's first jab, but Madison pulling away before he could only felt like he'd been punched all over again. He wasn't sure he even needed to be here at this point. Trying to be there for either of them only seemed to upset them both, so what was the point. He scooted himself to the other end of the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest, let Madison have her say. "I was just trying to help," he muttered. He didn't miss the look Madison gave him either when she was going on about things used to be.

Mickey didn't miss the way Mason looked like she'd hit him, and maybe it would've been better if she had - "Mase," she said, shaking her head, "It's not...I wasn't trying to..." she trailed off, covering her face with her hands. Every time she opened her mouth, she hurt them more. It was the last thing she wanted - to hurt either of them, and yet here she was. "I'm sorry," she said to both of them, tears spilling over as she lost her last bit of control, "I'm sorry. You guys can go if you need."

Madison wanted to. She did. But her baby sister was crying, her baby brother was retreating, and someone had to be the bigger person here, and as per usual, it was Madison. She moved to Mickey, first, and wrapped her arms around her, squeezing tightly. "We'll be okay." Madison promised, carding her fingers gently through Mickey's hair. "It's gonna be okay. If...if she makes you happy, I'm happy." I just don't know her, Madison kept herself from saying, from parroting the words Mickey had been using about Carter for over a month. She kissed her sister's forehead and then looked back at their brother, offering a weak, apologetic smile. "You are helping, Face. C'mere. McHug time." She kept one arm securely around Mickey and extended the other to Mason, pleading and tired and apologetic. "We're all gonna be okay," she said again, to both of them. Please, please, please let that be true.

Mason still felt uneasy as he sat there. He knew this was hard for Mickey and he didn't want to go panicking and making it about him when it wasn't supposed to be. He just hated feeling unneeded and pushed away. He watched his sisters' hug and chewed nervously on his thumb nail until Madison beckoned him over. He got up and shuffled his way over, still feeling a little awkward between the words they'd exchanged and the fact that he was almost a foot taller than both of them.

Mickey buried her face in Mason's chest, "I'm sorry," she repeated over and over like a mantra, holding them there for a little while before she absolutely needed to breathe, pulling back and wiping her eyes. "I'll give you guys...time to...adjust, and um. I really need a shower, so I'm gonna do that...I...I'm sorry," she breathed out, wiping her eyes, embarrassed that she'd blubbered like an idiot.

Madison ached. There was nothing she hated more than seeing her siblings in pain, and every repetitive apology felt like a death sentence. She felt like she had a boulder lodged in her throat. "I love you," Madison managed, rubbing at her own eyes too. "Both of you." She found Mason's hand and squeezed it, her other hand still on Mickey's back. "I'm--" Madison kept herself from apologizing, because she didn't yet know what she'd done wrong, how her sister crying was her fault--just that it was, but she couldn't apologize until it was a real apology. "I'm...I was going to go to Carter's," Madison admitted hesitantly, eyes flicking from Mickey to Mason. It felt...wrong, weird, bad somehow to even think of leaving now; she wanted to keep Mickey there, let them talk through it, talk to Mason, maybe cry herself, but she also felt like she couldn't breathe, and she was fairly certain that no productive communication would be happening. "Or I can...not, I don't--I don't want to..." Madison trailed off and shifted nervously from foot to foot. Why was she making this about her? What was wrong with her?

Mason raised an eyebrow. "Yes, you do," Mason said, managing a tired chuckle. "Maybe... maybe tonight isn't the best night for us to talk through all this." He stepped back and perched on the end table so he wouldn't be towering over them. "We're all obviously feeling a lot of things and I think we all know that can be dangerous, right? Maybe we should take the night to process our feelings or whatever. But I don't want anyone to be alone either."

Mickey nodded, "Yeah, I think um, I think I'm...I'm definitely feeling too raw. Too...exposed, I guess. I um, I don't do well that way," she admitted, swallowing hard. "What if we um, can we all just make a promise that if any of us starts being not okay that we'll hit up the group chat and just...meet back up?"

Madison nodded, letting out a breath of relief. A plan. She worked better with a plan. She exhaled and ran a hand through her hair, then moved to take both of her siblings hands in hers. "I'll come home so fast," Madison promised, looking between them. This felt...significant. That she was voluntarily choosing a boy--choosing anyone--over her distraught family. The guilt that wracked her was nearly enough to have her reaching for her phone to cancel with Carter. "Are...you guys gonna be okay?" Madison asked, worrying the edge of her lip between her teeth. She needed to trust them to take care of each other, but more than that, it was what Mickey had said; she needed to know that they, individually, would be alright if she left. Or at least as alright as they could be.

Mickey thought for a second, then nodded, "I will," she said. "I think I will. I just need to take a hot shower and get my head back to normal - or some...form of that," she nodded, "What about you, Mase?"

Mason nodded definitively. He didn't want to keep Madison from seeing Carter. She was always taking care of them and she deserved this. She shouldn't have to cancel just for them. So if Mickey was okay with it, he certainly was. "Don't worry about us. We'll all breathe and we can talk later." He stood again and pressed a kiss to each of his sister's foreheads respectively. "Sorry I spazzed."

Madison smiled a little and shook her head, leaning up to peck Mason's cheek. "That was hardly a spazz," she teased, gently; she was reassured. Her brother was the best brother. And as she looked back at Mickey, she moved to gently brush a stray tear away before she kissed Mickey's forehead. Her sister was the best sister. "Thank you for telling us." Madison repeated, then nodded to herself. She had to leave. She had to get out, or she wouldn't, and they'd end up picking at each other before they could do any of the breathing and thinking they all needed. "I'm gonna...go. I love you both so much. Text me if you need anything. I love you." She said, squeezing their hands gently again before she extricated herself. The numbness was creeping in--it was too much, still, but she needed to go. She left the living room, stopping only to grab a jacket and slid her shoes back on, and then she was gone, leaving the McCarthy house and her siblings, reluctantly, behind.