#citysqaure

[travelserbia]

Trg Kralja Milana Niš - 

King Milan square in Nis Serbia

 . 

by @vanjaa_ilic 

[dernise520]

It's the last day of Jan 2020. & I seriously hope it's the end to sad days like this.

I woke up okay, but got my hopes too high. Just when I entered Citysqaure JB, my insecurities got triggered. & everything seems to be back to square one.

Look, it's not easy to be happy everyday. Who doesn't want to be? But it takes more than just 2 hands to clap. It's not like a mutual agreement amongst 2 individuals who wants to be happy.

When I searched for happiness, this is what came out.

Happiness is the consequence of what we do and how we behave. So when a person who is unhappy shifts their focus and does something different, they help themselves become happier. Trying to think yourself happier is difficult. Happiness comes when you change what you do.

Happiness is not a feeling. It is doing. I understand that sometimes in order to move forward in life, we have to let go of certain things. But the letting go part isn't easy. Sure, I know that we cannot change the past, but we can try to make the future a better one. Again, easier said than done.

Certain unpleasant memories can be triggered in many ways. Once triggered its like a bomb that keeps ticking until you get over it. Unfortunately, for me, it's not easy. It takes time. And when I say time, I initially thought I could do it within 10mins that I told myself at the start of 2020 to try. Nope, took a few hours. Apparently the mind keeps thinking, and yup, one thing leads to another. 😪

Once a trust is broken, it's hard to get it back. It's similar to I can forgive you but I cannot forget. That's the tricky part. If you can't forget, even if you forgive unwillingly, will it ever be the same again?

Can things still stay the same? I can even tell you, the person that is affected the most, isn't the same person anymore. She is tormented everyday with insecurities, with questions that she will never have courage to ask, her mind can no longer be free of suspicion, every single thing that you now do, will begin to set questions in her mind. You're typing on your phone, is it a text msg from a girl? Who is it? You're scrolling. What are you scrolling? XXX website or some girl's profile? You're online on msn messenger. Are you and your guy friends discussing about some girl's body parts or planning a trip, are they helping you to think of ways to say to your wife so she has no choice but to let you go? Or, are you complaining to your friends that your wife again gave you the cold shoulder & you're sick of it. You're staying up late. Are you really staying up late to feed the baby or just waiting for me to be in a deep sleep so you can release yourself in the toilet by looking at other girls making love. And the list goes on.....

And after everything, the person ask for us to just trust in him one time. How to? You ask me to just be me. How to? I don't even want to be me anymore because when you were releasing yourself in the toilet, you were not looking at my picture. I don't want to be me anymore because the number of girls that you follow, look nothing like me! I don't want to be me anymore because when you glance for one more look because the person was pretty, that person that you took another look at, wasn't me.I don't want to be me anymore because even when we were together, not married, you could tag female friends whom you had food together with in 🇹🇭,but when I was beside you, none of them knew, because all you did was take food pictures. I don't want to be me anymore because the people whom you were giving likes to on fb, were girls who wore sexily, even tho it's fake boobs, plastic surgery on the face, but you enjoyed looking at them, like their pages, but not my fb. Nothing at all. I don't want to be me anymore because I feel so inferior, I hated the way I look, I hated that I wasn't a 🇹🇭. You make me hate myself even more.

Where was the promise you said that we'll take a picture everyday? 😔

I am so afraid of facing the truth or reality that my husband is looking at other girls even when I'm just here with him, to the extent I rather not look at him while eating or if possible do I would never have or it would minimize the chances of me seeing him see other girls. You are wrong if you think all i want is for him to look at me.

This is a matter of choice actually. For me, that's my part that I'm doing, to minimize the chances of me seeing him look at other girls. For him? He had a choice to just glance or look and take another look cos it visually satisfied him. And he chose the latter.

I want to be a new and improve me. If there's really a god, please reach out to me and hear my prayers. It's not that I'm not making an effort. I am. But it's not easy. I just want to get out of the past, his past. I hated myself for finding out things but at the same time, I'm thankful I found out in the early beginnings of my marriage. I want to be a prettier me for myself instead of doing it so in hope of getting more of his attention.

Lastly, I hope for better beginnings and a happier me. Tmrw is a start of a new month. Will be a start of a new me? 🤞🏻🙏🏻

[riding--carousels]

Dessert time with @rahhthang #citysqaure#happiness#yummy (at Baskin Robbins City Square)