#chronic pain is like my mental nonsense in that it's this personal world that cocoons me in that no one else will ever fully understand. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cursed-tm · 3 months

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getting older is really unfortunate because things are closed off to you the older you get. that's not a like litany against aging or something it's just an observation like literally you can never go back. literally you will never be this age again. it will be impossible for you to tell if you made the right choice or not until it's too late for you to go back and change it. things will simply continue happening on whatever course they're on and there's nothing you can do about it. all of your problems are aging with you. etc

#this is about the queer issue but also it's about everything else #i cant disentangle my problems from each other #queerness is like chronic pain to me in that it's simply a problem that will affect me everyday that i will never be rid of.#chronic pain is like my mental nonsense in that it's this personal world that cocoons me in that no one else will ever fully understand.#my mental nonsense is like queerness in that it's kind of a constructed web of anxieties and problems that are simultaneously real and fake #and then they loop around and feed on each other again #thinking about transition again i feel similar to how i felt about deciding about college. none of these options feel right i dread every #second of this future. yet it's coming anyway. i tried to kill myself like at least eight times in college #i regret going yet i also would have regretted not going. which i knew at the time. so i picked one #i will probably regret transitioning i will also regret not transitioning. the future is coming regardless i have to pick one #how many times will i try to kill myself after transitioning? how many times will i try to kill myself before/instead of transitioning?#if the self is dysfunctional if the self is wrong the solution is killing the self not putting a different outfit on it. you know?#what i would like is peace and i don't think anything is offering me that besides dying. it would be nice to be at peace #idk i am aging and i am in feelings about it i suppose. i have called it aging out of an age of plausible deniability. aging out of options #just me whining again

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