#i will probably regret transitioning i will also regret not transitioning. the future is coming regardless i have to pick one

[cursed-tm]

getting older is really unfortunate because things are closed off to you the older you get. that's not a like litany against aging or something it's just an observation like literally you can never go back. literally you will never be this age again. it will be impossible for you to tell if you made the right choice or not until it's too late for you to go back and change it. things will simply continue happening on whatever course they're on and there's nothing you can do about it. all of your problems are aging with you. etc

[cptn-m]

One Piece chapter 1126 review

After like four more chapters of Egghead loose ends than expected, I think we can finally call the transition to an Elbaf arc complete. But we still spend most of the chapter on things that follow up past arcs. Shanks has been waiting to check Barto off his to-do list since Wano, the Blackbeard sections reference the cutaway sequence and events from Egghead's final set piece, there's a Bonney and Kuma moment, and more updates on the Revolutionaries' siege. Any of those things, I think, you could justify grouping as part of Egghead's epilogue if not for the obvious first plot hook of Elbaf in the final pages of the chapter.

But that's just One Piece sometimes. Look back and think about where Thriller Bark and Sabaody separate. Chapter 490 contains all together Brook's new crewmate toast, Kuma's debrief about letting Luffy go, and the giant mysterious figures in the Florian Triangle - all important story or theme points for Thriller Bark - but also the arrival at the Redline and the introduction of Camie - vital setup for Sabaody. The transition of arcs happens kind in the middle of the chapter. Such is the nature of a serialised story after it gets big enough.

And what an opening to an arc. The crew gets smashed on hallucinogenic booze and loses a day or two and end up separated, left to piece together what they missed. It's fairly unique. You might compare it to Zou, where the reader's POV starts at the end of a normal arc and we get the main events filled in via flashback. But after Egghead's cutaway, there's precedent for not circling back to the skipped day as well. It's going to take a lot more than one chapter - and probably the next one - to be fully sure what Oda's building up to here and how he plans to structure it.

The opening party has two moments I really like. Nami being driven to drink by the giants' warrior customs, and Bonney and Kuma finally reunited and able to enjoy the open sea they dreamed of. Kuma's even smiling. He's going to make it!

On the other hand, it really handwaves away the timeline discrepancies with Dory, Brogy, Oimo and Kashii's journey. Maybe they could have waved that hand a little faster to say the duo from Ennies Lobby at least reached Elbaf and decided only recently to go check in on the captains. Oh well.

And then we have Shanks and Bartolomeo. This is a much darker side of Shanks than has previously been shown, or at least than has previously been directed toward anyone we like. I think with so long offscreen it's been easy to fill in the blanks with what we want to see of the man, and it's inevitable some fans are going to be shocked, surprised and even disappointed by the reality. Personally, I like a mentor with a secret or two to dramatise the relationship. I'm interested to see what Oda does with it.

Shanks acts like a pro pirate here, a seasoned pillar of the criminal underworld. The importance of respect, reputation and the risks that come from people thinking they can get away with crossing you all speak to historical piracy and even more modern organised crime. But his expressions stick in my mind. The blacked out and shaded-over eyes could simply be a sign he's in serious mode, but his close up when Bartolomeo expresses regret that he won't see Luffy be King of the Pirates betrays genuine sadness. Compare and contrast his encounter with Kid, which features the same darkened eyes early on, but a much angrier expression in the aftermath.

Does Shanks regret that he has to escalate a turf war with Luffy? Does he simply not like that the role of Emperor forces him to be ruthless for the sake of protecting his territory? The fast transition from appreciating Barto's loyalty to delivering the final lesson only amps up the ambiguity.

Props to Barto though. His commitment is real and wonderful. Hope this isn't the end of his story.

Blackbeard's sequence doesn't give us as much new, just a sense of plans and building toward the future. I enjoyed the details of the bandages on the skull and learning that Garp is still alive though. And poor Pudding. That's going to be an interesting source of conflict in the future, when Sanji gets wind of it.

It's also nice getting a view of the Revolutionaries' actual tactics through Laffite's sequence. The bombs and fires give the sense of kind of a geurilla operation, all sabotage and terror. From all the Dragon "…" and "looking east" memes that have been repeated enough to become insufferable, I think there's a chunk of the fanbase that needed to see this stuff to understand it.

We return to the Strawhats for the final new story hook. Bonney getting to act like a little girl again, clinging to Jinbei's side, is the cutest touch. But hang on, if we're acknowledging her as a kid here, she probably wasn't drinking with the rest. She might be key to figuring out what happened while everyone else was blacked out.

I'm looking forward to where this Lego-look castle is going to go next week. We've seen Oda toy with this idea for a colour spread many years ago (chapter 622) and it looked pretty good back then. Makes yuo wonder how long he's wanted to do this. I have no particularly novel theories about what's going on here - the same likely conclusions everyone else seems to be reaching - she's probably on Elbaf already, a plaything to some kind of child prince. Maybe Loki, but I don't know if the timing lines up him to act that young. The real question is how this happened while the rest of the crew remains at sea. Did an envoy sail on to meet them? Could the Great Erik have reached Elbaf then departed again for some reason?

And hey, no break next week. Three chapters in a row again! Looking forward to seeing where all this is going with you all!

[cartoonrival]

I've been on T for 3 years, and I've been indecisive all my life. I went in a whole lot of circles for months trying to make up my mind about whether I wanted to or not.

The process I went through was basically: I came out around Nov. 2020. thought that I would probably eventually want to start T based on watching other people's progress videos and started doing research about the effects. saw a therapist to try and be sure starting T was the right thing for me (therapist ended up being really shitty and thought that going on T would make me binary + not asexual, spoiler alert it did not). put it off another 5-6 months longer than I had intended to be sure shitty therapist wasn't influencing my decision. made up my mind not to start, because I was sure my extended family would cut me off. My thought process at the time was like, if could just be stuck on a desert island I would do it, if I could just live in isolation forever, then I would do it, but I couldn't handle the idea of explaining to anybody why I needed to. started breaking down crying a couple times a week at the idea of never getting to go on T. met a guy at a party who had just started T and I was so consumed with envy that I couldn't think about anything else the entire time. made an appointment with my informed consent clinic 1 month out to make sure I was sure, and then told my parents. They freaked out a little because they were convinced that going on T would make me bald and also dead (neither of those things has happened yet), and then they got over it, and the rest of my family ended up being fine. Finally started T in May 2021. One minor health issue since then (too many red blood cells), but zero regrets.

Sorry this is long. I think probably a lot of the indecision I went through might have been unnecessary, but the process of sorting through my own doubts about it was still really important. I don't know the situation you're in, but for me the most important thing to figure out was whether I was avoiding doing it because I didn't want the effects, or because I was worried about what other people would think. Also idk if i can include links but check out this piece by Daniel Lavery, it just perfectly captures the kind of justifications I was running through trying to talk myself out of starting https://thenewinquiry.com/the-stages-of-not-going-on-t/ I think indecision must be incredibly common and normal, if not universal.

thank you very much for this. i think i personally have a very hard time imagining myself in situations i’m not in or in a hypothetical future so like. i have no fucking idea what i would do if i started growing facial hair. there is genuinely no way for me to know if i want facial hair until i see myself irl with facial hair, for example. that’s i think where the core of my indecision comes from is i’m so wildly guessing about a future that does not exist yet and i cannot fathom what it would be like until i’m there. a lot of my transition has been like that but this is obviously the most significant decision i’ve confronted so far so the fact that i cant visualize it stresses me out more than usual. so like asking myself hypothetical questions doesn’t work because i truly don’t know, beyond the fact that i want a deeper voice. but what if i dont!!!!!! but at THAT point i’m definitely in the deserted island scenario where if i wasn’t around other people i would want it deeper. and that’s really the only outwardly obvious change that’s also permanent. so maybe i shouldn’t die wondering. cuz i was daydreaming abt it constantly for months then the day came to start and i got so scared suddenly and now for the past month it’s been causing me endless grief abt this thing that i want to do but also don’t want to do. but i can’t figure out what the reason for not wanting to is. if it’s fear or not wanting to. i’m rambling! thank you for answering <3

[a-iya]

Hi again (⌒∇⌒)ノ

Sooo how was your trip? 😃 I hope you had fun!

omg hiii!! thanks for checking in <3

I had so much fun! I'm looking back at your previous ask (and my answer) and I'm glad my fear of getting jumped/stolen from did not come true LMAO. There was so much to do in London, it was impossible to try and do everything, but we still ended up doing quite a bit! We visited all the big touristy areas (Big Ben, London Eye, Tower of London, a few museums, all the bridges, etc). I also got to visit our office location there which was pretty cool. It felt so safe and public transit (the "tube"/underground) was so convenient and frequent and nice!! I loved it so much and I was right to be excited about it. It's truly on a different level than anything we have, there really is no comparison.

We also had afternoon tea and it was such a cute experience! Albeit super expensive 😭 Literally came out to almost 90 GBP/person which is kind of insane to me but 💀 When in London I guess lmao. It was raining on and off the whole time we were in London but we spent a few hours just enjoying some chill time eating scones and stuff so it worked out perfectly. I also came back with a ton of tea which I'm super looking forward to trying!!

Wicked was also amazing. I was unfortunately dozing off for some of it because I was dead tired from doing so much 😭 but I was fully awake for the second act and by the end I was literally in tears cause the performances made me so emotional!! My cousin loved the University of Cambridge (and rightfully so, it was beautiful). The campus is huge (it's a bunch of different colleges spread throughout the town of Cambridge) and they had so much to offer.

My bank account is hurting but it was so worth!! I had an amazing time and I'd love to go back in the future when I've built my travel funds back up lmao. My only regret was not trying fish and chips while we were there but our bodies couldn't handle that level of inflammation 😵‍💫 like my lips were literally cracked and drying by our second to last day there. All in all, I'm so relieved the trip went smoothly. This past week post coming back has been a nightmare with all the work (and also Tumblr posts hehe) I've had to catch up on though. I'm probably just going to sloth for the rest of the weekend.

Thank you again for always interacting with me!! This is the most I've talked with anyone on here like ever and it makes so happy <3

[iamveronica]

Ok now to continue our previous conversation. It's so interesting how his possessive and part condescending attitude towards Johnny turned into paranoid delusions of persecution which can be seen in songs like "Speedway" and the open letter. Either way the obsession persists (even though the possessiveness can still be felt in the autobiography). I find it funny how Moz always tries to be indifferent or nonchalant when talking about Johnny or the Smiths but if there is one thing Moz can never succeed at is stoicism. He can easily turn into Heathcliff when Johnny becomes the topic. If they ever film a biopic of the Smiths they should play Ferry's cover of Jealous Guy while covering the collab. I wonder if Ferry's connection to pro-hunting activists also flamed Moz's jealousy and antagonism. As for Bowie, I do think they ended up on good terms, however I do find Morrissey's irritability with him so hilarious, especially as Bowie seemed to really like him. I honestly am not sure if Bowie really tried to collaborate with Johnny. While Morrissey might have disliked him, Johnny LOVES Bowie (which might be a reason for Morrissey's distate of him...). He mentions him in so many interviews and such, if he did try to collaborate with Johnny, I feel Johnny would never stop talking about it (or if true those mentions could be due to regret of refusing him and he wants to make up for that). Nevertheless I wonder if Moz dreamed up that proposition in a insecure jealous rage.

we're back on ❤️

Speedway is INCREEEEDIBLE the things it does to me. it is such a menacing, threatening, bone-chilling song of lifelong love and loyalty, is it not? and you won't smile / until my loving mouth / is shut good and proper / forever

he has no trust and no faith in the other person (in the popular interpretation being Johnny) reciprocating his feelings, that they won't sell him out or use him for a cheap laugh but this here is his reminder of their unspoken connection or shared secret and his promise to take it to the grave but my god, is it explicit

i don't think his paranoia and persecution complex are utterly baseless. both still persist to this day (his Jan 6, 2023 post on Central - "The campaign to destroy my career was originally led by four male individuals in Britain… - and they have full unedited access to the Legacy Media. … They want some form of Wikipedia mention as well as a future personal Index reference in 'Who Killed Morrissey?'"). UK press has long had a vested interest in taking him down, and with Moz being such a polarizing person they've had an easy job of selling papers then and getting hits now by tearing him a new one, especially if these outlets can get a soundbite of Saint Johnny "denouncing" his most prominent and infamous former partner. at which point, the pot had boiled over and Moz had to come out and say "for the love of god, shut up". i could have mentioned your name / i could have dragged you in in Speedway and I have not ever attacked your solo work or your solo life in the open letter

so the transition of his possessiveness when he had Johnny into paranoid delusions of persecution as you so well put it seems almost predictable. he no longer had Johnny in his corner, and i think he truly saw that at the trial and just never got over it

LMAO strangely enough, i thought Moz did a better job of cutting the Smiths umbilical cord and giving the appearance of moving on in the autobio. but he was almost obnoxious about and i had to wonder if he was trying to convince himself or the reader

I smile at the thought of a Smiths reunion, for I’ve got everything now.

as the iloveYouiloveYouiloveYou audience rushes the stage … Smiths re-formation? What for?

it's like, i wasn't thinking of the Smiths or their reformation here, Moz, but you clearly were

Johnny was so funny though. whenever i thought, oh this'll probably be the last time he mentions him, he kept dragging Moz back up. oh you met up in a bar, oh you were sippin on OJ and he beer, oh you two hugged, that's all cute. Our communication ended, and things went back to how they were and how I expect they always will be. and just as you think, this is it, he goes on to describe his email communication with Moz. [A]lthough I felt I'd created a moment of friendship on some level I felt an air of dissatisfaction and distrust remained between us. It was a shame. and when just a few pages ago, he felt resigned to this fact, he openly regrets the way things are between the two of them here

Moz actually talks about being somewhat of a fan of Roxy Music in 1972 but he cools off on Ferry in the next couple of years, even before the Smiths are a twinkle in his and Johnny's eyes so i think he inevitably was an unwelcome intrusion in Moz's Smithsdom

The song is madcap in construction, and singer Bryan Ferry is an honored northern guest – escapist but shy, a slither of glamor rippling like the sea. Roxy Music are resolutely odd, and Agatha Christie queer; the smile of Ferry is Hiroshima mean, as he shuffles crab-style from stage right to stage left … like someone who’s had his food dish removed. It’s a voice of cold metal, just barely skin deep. I eagerly catch his first Radio One interview wherein he falls asleep at the drone of his own replies.. ... The technical detachment of Roxy Music is, briefly and possibly accidentally, a radical experience, one that they swiftly dispense with once they establish a large audience. But before they lose their strangeness they are magnificent, and the drabness of true artifice comes alive.

…

‘Morrissey, you were absent last week – where were you?’ asks Mr Barry.

‘I went to Preston to see Roxy Music,’ I explain in perfectly level tone.

‘Oooooooooh, no you don’t!’ booms Mr Barry, full of civic bureaucracy and clan-in-the-right. This recalcitrant malaise! Punish the boy! Punish! Punish! Punish! The price you pay for the quest of art. But Roxy Music will drop quickly from the emotional radar soon, as singer Bryan Ferry announces that his favorite food is veal – second only to foie gras in savage cruelty.

oh lol i don't think Bowie and Johnny ever really crossed paths but it's definitely a thing Moz could hold over Johnny's head if they were in some sort of unspoken competition post-Smiths. but i wonder if Moz's insecurity in the face of Bowie's star power and showmanship ("David Showie" good one, Moz) wasn't what made him walk or if he felt too good to be playing second-fiddle to the 90s Bowie. ah Mozzie's interpersonal relationships will always remain shrouded in mystery but i think other people like him more than he likes them or they like him more than he is willing to give them credit for

[MARCH 1 EDIT] i was debating whether to wait to be corrected or to set the facts straight myself with regard to Johnny and Bowie... because i spied this in Moz's autobiography only the other day! but HERE GOES

David Bowie, who feeds on the blood of living mammals, rises like Christopher Lee to present a bouquet of flowers to Johnny. But Johnny is not taken in. If I had felt that the Smiths’ demise had left me on the scaffold, then Johnny surely felt the same. He quickly joins the Pretenders, and he just as quickly is ‘asked to leave’. Chrissie Hynde explains to me that Johnny’s perpetual lateness made progress impossible.

the Pretenders part isn't particularly relevant except it's just Moz being needlessly snarky and gossipy, and that's always fun. the period in their lives when all this was happening can also be easily gleaned from here. but omg did Moz HAVE to make it sound like an unsuccessful courtship and like Johnny spurned Bowie? the same Johnny who giddily recounted jamming with Paul McCartney but breathed not a word of this? did this really happen? who were Morrissey's sources

obviously, these are hardly facts. these are Morrissey's words, and a jealous Morrissey at that. the less than flattering description of Bowie as a bloodsucking boogeyman towering over his ex-partner and readying to sap Johnny of his vitality paints such a fantastic picture. Moz, what a guy

[omamervt]

I played Horizon Zero Dawn last week and this week I started Forbidden West, and... Zero Dawn was better in every way. Some ways I can't even begin to explain why, but others I know exactly.

There were a couple notable improvements in Forbidden West, mostly in the melee combat system. The introduction of combo attacks and bonus damage accumulating from combo finishers makes close-quarters combat actually fun. It also gives you WAY better transition moves to switch back to ranged as soon as it becomes necessary. It makes combat in and of itself more enjoyable.

And if that were ALL that had been done to combat, I'd probably be willing to write off all the other issues I have, but unfortunately it's downhill from there. Because while open combat is fun, stealth is sometimes necessary and it is worse in just about every way this game.

In Horizon Zero Dawn, you had an eye icon that told you if you were visible and how much noise you were making. Individual enemies then had a yellow circle that would appear above their head if they were on alert, which would fill to red if they spotted you. In Forbidden West, they replaced the eye thing with the enemy alert icon, thereby making it absolutely useless. It no longer tracks how much noise you're making or whether or not you're even visible to your enemies, it just displays reduntant information, showing up yellow if even one enemy is on alert, and red if even just one enemy has seen you. I'd be willing to bet if I didn't play Zero Dawn that'd happen to me more often and I wouldn't even be able to tell you WHY I was spotted, I'd think I was seen from cover, it wouldn't occur to me that someone might hear me. In fact, when you're in the heat of battle, it can even DISTRACT you from the icons above enemies' heads, making it that much harder to quickly identify who's actually seen you.

On top of changes to melee combat and stealth, they also changed how all your ranged weapons work. Tripcasters are now basically useless unless you're willing to leave yourself completely exposed. Ropecasters don't instantly fire anymore, and that took some getting used to (although to be fair, heavy ropecasters in Zero Dawn were OP and this is an appropriate nerf). But even the weapons that are functionally identical, like your bows, now face mechanical alerations from the crafting system, which really only seems to serve as a way to waste resources. You can get a great Hunter's Bow for example and max out its upgrade track but oh shit what's this? this merchant has one just like it but it's better at lv 1 than yours is at lv 4, so you buy it but then oh, shit! this needs the exact same ultra rare resource to upgrade as your last bow except now you don't have any and don't even know if you can trust that you won't be presented with another better bow and come to regret upgrading this one. It's an incredibly frustrating thing to experience when some of the resources don't seem to respawn and others require you to fight machines that could easily two-shot you even at higher levels. Oh, and on top of that, you now have to find a workbench to craft, it can't be done from the menu. Actively removed a QOL feature for no good reason (realism isn't a good reason, we're playing a primitive civilization thousands of years in the future who hunt killer robot dinosaurs with bows and spears.)

Onto things I can't explain, this game's map just... doesn't feel as fun to explore. To me the hallmark of good open world is when they add things like fast travel or mounts to speed up the process, which you only use to avoid covering areas you've already thoroughly explored or to speed past challenges you're not ready for yet on the way to the ones you are ready for. If you're using fast travel/mounts to avoid having to explore as much ground, you've fucked up, the vibes are off on your game. I didn't clear every challenge in Zero Dawn, that'd take forever and I wouldn't have started Forbidden West already, but I found every tallneck and explored every area of the map at least once. In Forbidden West, I don't even WANT to. Maybe it's fatigue from jumping in immediately after beating the first one, but seeing every inch of this map isn't appealing. I don't even have finding the Super Armor to look forward to, that's just an unlockable ability in the skill point menu now, so I'm probably gonna clear story and still have several grayed out areas on my map and I just... won't care.

The story itself is also overall less satisfying this time. It was part of the experience with Zero Dawn, you'd go around collecting boyfriends and a few girlfriends while learning about yourself and the past. But the thing that made that FUN was the discovery. WHAT Aloy finds was usually predictable, they'd project it in advance, but when they actually told you what they were projecting up to that point, it was always so much bigger than I'd imagined. In comparison, Forbidden West's writing just has a more... generic vibe to it. It's just the plot of an open world RPG with no fanfare, no clever projections about what's coming next, no big reveals to even make those projections have a payoff. It's still engaging but it's just not as meaningful. Plus I'm almost through finding the subordinate functions and so far Aloy's only acquired one new boyfriend. The others are just repeats.

It's still a good game but in so many ways it just feels like a step backwards. We got better melee combat at the cost of simple and clean stealth/ranged combat. The crafting system sucks now, stealth sucks now, tripwires suck now. It's all kinda disappointing.

[tendertenebrosity]

🚥📃🙈 for stories/characters of your choice!

-nell

🚥 Is there a character choice or plotline that you regret but is now canon and you feel like you can’t change it?

To be honest, my usual response to this feeling... is just to change it, haha. My first few pieces with Illiam and Helis made a story decision I wasn't pleased with, and after regretting it for a little I just started over with it. I'll probably tweak it even more when I revise it again after finishing it.

Similarly, I tried writing Lian's story without names and specifics initially, but I just couldn't manage it and transitioned to names pretty quickly. Sometimes I think I'd like to go back and write them a proper opening, but I'm also more or less at peace with their story as a serial internet fiction with all of the quirks that entails.

I sometimes regret having Galen and Everett's story veer as close as it does to NSFW/noncon elements, because I am very proud of their story as a whole and occasionally would like to show that to some of my friends, and I hesitate because it's just darker than my usual work.

📃 List a few words, without any explanation, that have to do with ideas you have for future stories or chapters that may or may not ever get written.

Hmm...

Fracture and Handshake.

Flood and Old Flame.

Execution.

🙈 What, if any, aspect of your OC is a little slice of you put down on paper? A little quirk, personality trait, mannerism, view of the world, etc.?

Oh, so many. I think all of them have something, no matter how small.

I've already mentioned that a lot of Rill's anxieties and traumas about his sexuality stem from my own. A lot of neutral experiences or descriptions of feelings, too. Also, he takes his coffee with cream and sugar because I am also a huge sweet tooth =P

Jak loves the sea and boats, and my beloved loves the sea and boats. Jak existed before my relationship, I think, but he didn't come to prominence until after it.

You can consider all of my bookish/scholarly/nerdy characters to be that way because I am. Also all of the ones with a deep seated fear of failure as driving trait...

Helis has my patience with fine, delicate, fiddly work.

Reece (from my old Dragon Age fic) is/was the way I explore my complicated feelings about my religion. I put my own thoughts about black humour into Raine's mouth once or twice, and you can see my own thoughts about morality or interacting with people or the way the world works coming out of other characters all the time.

[trickstarbrave]

i hate pretty much every anti trans argument because there is always bigotry in it. some illogical belief of hatred they are trying to spin as genuine concern

“trans women can use women’s bathrooms because what if they attack cis women?” okay what if a cis woman attacks me in the bathroom? what if she calls me a dyke and a predator and bashes my face in? what if she peeps on me while im peeing and records me? what if she stands guard and harasses women of color for being too masculine to use the same bathroom as her?

“well what if men pretend to be trans women to use the lady’s room?” trans women being allowed or not allowed to use the bathroom in public will not stop predators. they will find another way to harass and assault women in public spaces. trans bathroom laws will not protect anyone from predators they will just increase violence to trans women

“but i dont feel safe using the same bathroom as a trans woman” why. you probably cant even tell most trans women are trans. at no point are you gonna be looking at a trans woman’s penis. you’re in your own stall, they are in their own stall. you will finish, pull up your pants/skirt, and both wash your hands and say nothing to each other and leave the bathroom. if you think trans women are gonna be doing anything else differently by virtue of being trans you are a bigot. end of discussion. you are no different than people getting mad disabled people are using the bathroom, or people of color are using the same bathroom. shut up. we all have to take a piss.

“well in sports its not fair--” sports arent fair. everyone has biological differences, and attacking trans women in sports means people are also going to attack CIS WOMEN in sports. particularly women of color. so no, you dont give a shit about things being “fair” for cis women, you care about upholding a standard of white womanhood and white women being inherent victims unable to fucking do anything the same as a big strong man, which isnt feminist at all. i see people saying trans women cant compete against cis women in fucking VIDEO GAMES because “being DMAB gives you an unfair advantage with bigger hands and faster reflexes--” shut up. you’re just making shit up now.

“well what about children who may regret transitioning?” most people detransition due to a lack of social support or when facing profound bigotry. and if they are young-young children still exploring their identity, delaying puberty isnt going to cause dramatic health conditions if they change their mind. because a lot of cis people have delayed puberty or even early puberty without all of us getting up in arms about how no, they need to do it at THIS SPECIFIC AGE or their entire body is RUINED. no one is doing major cosmetic surgery on 12 year olds, not just because they might change their mind but also because even if they dont their bodies arent done growing and they would need even more in the future. you are arguing against children being given more time to think about what puberty they want to go through and coming to terms with strange changes in their body and making informed decisions. maybe they end up being cis, but being on puberty blockers a few years and receiving love and support will do nothing to hinder their lives.

[edmondelmolai]

Sometimes when it's not there, it's not there. No matter how life plays it's strings and loops you back together, if there's something missing, there's something missing. I mean, some believe it was the right timing, some believe it was inevitable. inevitable? sure. right timing? debatable. how do you expect someone to change feelings after only 2 months? I get it and I admit it. at the end of it all, no matter what happened, the decision was ultimately still mine to make. there is no one to blame except for me. no excuses like, "I was still emotionally unstable" or "I don't think clearly under pressure" is suffice enough to justify my actions.

truth be told, I'm still in love with her. I'm still madly in love with her. despite the flaws, she and I connected... like, truly connected. we had the type of connection was easy, natural, unspoken... and I gave that all away. it's to the point that, despite my strong feelings, I don't believe I deserve her anymore. I hurt her, no doubt abt it. if she hates me, I deserve it. I'm sure her family probably has some disliking to me. I am willing to spend a lifetime and more to make atonements for my action and it would come nowhere close to enough.

but here I am now, stuck. stuck between my thoughts and my feelings and asking myself every day whether or not this is what I want. if this was the right move to make. you're beyond ecstatic that this is happening but I can't say the same. the interactions are just not the same... not the same is a bad way to put it. the interactions are just not... natural. I'm trying, I really am, but it's not there. if I could tell you what it is that's missing, I would but I can't put it into words; a gut feeling, is all I could describe it as. maybe it's the fact that we've known each other for so long already. maybe it's my delusion that I thought because we've known each other for so long already, that this transition could be something natural. however, the truth is, it's just not there. I don't know how I'm going to break it to you but I know that the timer has started already. there's no delaying it but it can be sped up. when it does happen, I will be the one to step away from everything and everyone and I am okay with that. I will tell you this when the time comes but I'm sorry you were dragged into this but I also hope that because we happened, you can finally move on and find someone who "truly fits your mold", someone who will appreciate you for all the charm and effort that you put. as much as you may tell yourself that that person is me, I also know that there's a part of you deep inside that knew that this was how it was going to end, that I wasn't going to be the person for you. you should be with someone who has their eyes for the future but isn't stuck in the past. I don't regret the time that we spent together and I'm sorry that I can't offer you more.

[ahb-writes]

Book Review: 'My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong, As I Expected' #14.5

My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong, As I Expected #14.5 by Wataru Watari, ponkan8

coming of age

romance

social commentary

My Rating: 4 of 5 stars

The final, blustery exhale that is MY YOUTH ROMANTIC COMEDY v14.5 is about as particular in its emotional guile as one would expect for a light-novel series about the fragrant and fiery impediments of youth. The new school year forces new obligations into frame, the changing seasons resurrect old compulsions to the fore, and all of the personal relationships that pin these notes to the back of one's mind risk crowding one another out. Hachiman Hikigaya is a third-year high-schooler; time to get to work.

Closing out this novel series, the author focuses on the casual, if mundane reality of transitioning into adulthood: testing for another level of education, cleaning up old allyships, saying goodbye to old rivalries, and shepherding the next generation into form. The stakes are relatively low, the risks are nonexistent, and the anxiety is manageable. The last time Hikigaya ever breathed a sigh of relief was probably never. However, at this point, at least he's got a few decent friends at his side.

The ever-meddlesome Iroha Isshiki is still hanging around the Service Club, if for reasons unknown. The girl's striking and manipulative nature (Hikigaya: "It's what you would call a cunning that isn't fawning," page 97), oddly, remind the protagonist of his younger sister, Komachi, now a first-year at Chiba City Municipal Soubu High School. It's an open-ended question as to whether the club can (or should) continue. Ms. Hiratsuka is gone, and all of the club members, exempting Komachi, will graduate soon.

But the need for the Service Club, as readers well know, extends less to the student body than it does to its individual club members. The core friendships assembled by the club's participants spans a spectrum of arrogant and untidy reflections on the woes of being a teenager. Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and Hikigaya are all better and stronger for it, but they've been through hell to validate such a conclusion. Is that what's in store for future club members? Being young is so wearisome.

Isshiki observes, at one point, that she desires what Hikigaya and the others have, but can't honestly see herself surviving what they have survived. As such, the peculiar dynamic duo of Isshiki and Hikigaya-the-Younger emerges to carry on the club legacy, troubling interpersonal relations and all .

Isshiki: "Relationships like theirs — overly complicated, ridiculously troublesome, and constantly going wrong — can't be built so easily." (page 134)

MY YOUTH ROMANTIC COMEDY v14.5 makes peace with most of its outstanding errors of presumption in an effort to bind all remaining loose ends. Hikigaya and Yukinoshita are dating now, and their dynamic is crammed with all of the sarcasm, diffidence, respectful logic, apologies, and hard blushes as one would expect. The pair is a mess, and they both know it. But that won't keep them from charging forward. Even if that means attending the same cram school ahead of university entrance exams. Even if that means daydreaming about what comes one year, five years, ten years after that.

One regrets not stumbling into a "please meet my parents" moment, as hinted at in previous volumes of the novel series. Hikigaya has yet to meet Yukinoshita's father (and is in no rush to do so), but in lieu of an unbearably awkward dinner with the sort-of in-laws, a charming coffee date between the two young adults will suffice.

The author also makes peace with the secondary cast of characters and their rapport with the protagonist. For example, Komachi undertakes a thought experiment, in which she hunts for a worthwhile sister-in-law. Yuigahama? Miura? Ebina? Hikigaya hilariously (and very accurately) responds to each prospect, notably saying that getting married to Hina Ebina, despite being absent domestic affection, would be, socially-relationally speaking, "contractually viable." One presumes Ebina would no doubt say the same thing.

Speaking of which, this volume also provides a requiem for Tobe. Frequently derided as garbage, Kakeru Tobe is the novel series' resident punching bag. He is, to wit, grossly simple-minded and incapable of thinking for himself. And yet, the young man's niceness and reliability tend to rub off on those around him. Hikigaya's assessment of Tobe was never very high, but to a final point, he acknowledges the reason the guy is so dull is because he'll never truly understand that niceness only begets abuse by others (Hikigaya: "In this world, the nicer you are, the more you get used," page 35).

MY YOUTH ROMANTIC COMEDY v14.5 wraps a single, tumultuous, unforgettable year. One could ask for more details on how Yukinoshita and Hikigya are faring as partners. One could ask how Yuigahama is faring in her perpetual heartbreak. One could ask how Hayama is fairing, solipsistic smile lighting his path. One could also ask how Haruno is fairing, her bitterness constantly grinding her down like the ocean against a beach of water-smoothed pebbles. And on and on. But none of it matters. Not really. Because all of these encounters are so garishly, foolishly ephemeral. After all, youth is a farce.

Die in a fire.

❯ ❯ Light-Novel Reviews || ahb writes on Good Reads

[twoofcupstarot]

Hellooo happy new year 🎆 may i get a reading please! I am A.R and I would like to know if I should go after M (trying to talk to him again this week) or wait for him to message me again. Whats going on why is he silent? Is he still dating that girl or did he end up breaking up (he said he was confused last time we talked so i take it he either setled down or is single and is looking fowards being alone atm) Thank you, sorry for the long text. >_<

Hi! Thanks for your message, here is your reading below.

I broke up your reading in to two parts to make it easier to understand

What should A.R. do about their person?

Queen of Swords

Two of Cups RV

Five of Wands

BOD: The High Priestess RV

What is going on with M?

Two of Swords (CB Death RV)

Temperance (CB Knight of Swords)

Page of Cups (CB King of Cups RV)

BOD: Five of Cups

When it comes to this person... They are indeed confused. If their relationship hasn't ended already it's likely on the brink of ending, and it's causing them a lot of confusion and regret. This person is trying to figure out what to do next. I personally feel like they may still be in the process of getting out of their relationship and are trying to figure out if they should stay or go, and if they do go how to face their feelings and end things. Either way, this person is in a transitional period. They have a lot of regrets about how they've done things up into this point, and are trying to rebalance themselves so they can take things from a better approach in the future. I do think this person may have regrets about how they've treated you, and may intend to come in with some sort of apology or small offering. When this will be, however, is up for debate. They obviously have a lot of complicated emotions they're going through right now and may need a lot of time to reflect and heal enough to show up for you.

As far as what your next steps should be, you need to prioritize yourself more. If you do talk to this person, give it to them straight. Be real with them, that's not saying to break down in front of them, but to lay out what you need to say plain and simple. There's a lot of messages here about not letting emotions cloud your judgement, and taking a step away to nurture yourself and reflect. This doesn't necessarily mean you need to give up on this person forever, but I think some authentic communication and a step away to heal and clear your head will do you a lot of good. If this person really is in the process of going through a breakup they probably aren't in a space to show up how you need them to right now. That energy can change, but for now it's important to look out for yourself. You may also want to consider reflecting on how you can have healthier boundaries.

I hope that makes sense. Best of luck! And remember, nothing is set in stone, energy is always changing, and you have free will.

EDIT: I got another message after I posted that this person may also be trying to see if they do stay if they can salvage their relationship and if so what that would look like. I'm not sure how salvageable it is in reality, but take that as a possibility.

[introductiontogay]

Trans Youth Are Being Denied Treatment: Who is Doing This? Why? And What Does This do to Those Trans Youth?

So, you’ve come here because you know I will do my best to tell you what I know and will be open with my purpose (I am a member of the alphabet mafia, and stand with all my siblings there in). As of September 1st of 2023, no one under the age of 18 in the state of Texas can receive treatment or procedures “for gender transitioning, gender reassignment, or gender dysphoria,” which is kind of distressing in this democratic republic, where the people are supposed to have the power, and only 1.03% of the population (approximately) is even transgender in the entire United States of America. So why are the elected officials attacking such a small part of the population? Here is where we turn to a conservative viewpoint on the topic of transitioning: Ross Douthat,

an opinion writer for the New York Times. His piece breaks the nation into three distinct groupings on the topic:

This is great news. Sexual fluidity, transgender and nonbinary experience are clearly intrinsic to the human experience, our society used to suppress them with punitive heteronormativity and only now are we getting a true picture of the real diversity of sexual attractions and gender identities. (Just as, for example, we discovered that left-handedness is much more common once we stopped trying to train kids out of it.)

We shouldn’t read too much into it. This trend is probably mostly just young people being young people, exploring and experimenting and differentiating themselves from their elders. Most of the Generation Zers identifying as L.G.B.T. are calling themselves bisexual and will probably end up in straight relationships, if they aren’t in them already. Some of the young adults describing themselves as transgender or nonbinary may drift back to cisgender identities as they grow older.

This trend is bad news. What we’re seeing today isn’t just a continuation of the gay rights revolution; it’s a form of social contagion which our educational and medical institutions are encouraging and accelerating. These kids aren’t setting themselves free from the patriarchy; they’re under the influence of online communities of imitation and academic fashions laundered into psychiatry and education — one part Tumblr and TikTok mimesis, one part Judith Butler.

So he’s split the issue into three distinct categories, of which I have to fall into the first category, and later shares how he is of the third category. Douthat is making an argument of morality; discussing the ramifications of allowing trans youth to begin their transitions at young ages, and proposing that many will come to regret this once they’ve aged and will want to detransition. He hides himself behind the calm rational of the argument to attack the future and survival of trans youth.

The other work I’ve pulled for this is also from the New York Times, and follows the stories of families that are standing on the front lines with their transgender children. The author, Megan K. Stack,

shares the poignant stories of the Neiss, Jackson, and Orr families. These families have fully embraced their child and are working to ensure a safe, legal world for them to live in. These families have lived with trans children, and have been working hard to protect their child’s right to transition. Something that has been taken from trans youth in Texas.

Debi Jackson is a perfect example to listen to on this issue; once she learned of her child’s, Avery, desire to present as female she attempted to block and enforce masculine ideals on Avery. Because of Jackson’s choice, Avery began withdrawing and displaying signs of depression and eventually attempted to throw themselves from a moving car. At this point young Avery was a preschooler, only four years old, and showcasing the signs many of us have experienced when faced with a rejection of our identity by those around us. The Jackson family rallied around Avery after this and worked to accept their child. You can even find Avery on the cover of National Geographic’s special issue on gender Revolution. 

But onto the reason for this post, Texas Senate Bill 14: this bill blocks and erases stories like those found in the Stack article and enforces the ideals of Douthat’s third group on all Texas citizens. In an age where trans youth are one of the highest percentages of suicides and attempted suicides, blocking them from one of the only means to support their gender identity and forcing them to go through puberties that do not match them in their minds or hearts. This bill is an attack on these children, stripping them of their ability to become who they perceive themselves to be, with reversible treatments like hormone therapies and partially reversible treatments like puberty blockers being banned. These treatments are the precursors of an actual gender reassignment surgery, and now the trans youth have to spend years and thousands of dollars as young adults working to reverse the avoidable puberty. Texas Senate Bill 14 is the latest in a long line of religiously directed bills that attack a small percentage of the population and block actual issues from being rectified and discussed by our elected officials.

So if you are filled with a wrath at bills like this attacking those whose voices cannot be yet be heard then I ask you to join me in contacting your Senators, Congressperson, and state Senators and state congressperson. Make your voices heard, and join me in standing for the rights of those who we hope to see joining us in making a better tomorrow.

[arabellaflynn]

The last load of Amazon boxes contained a microphone. It is a Shure SM48 handheld vocal mic, with dynamic cardioid pickup.

This is a piece of professional audio equipment. Not a pricey one -- they're about $40 -- but not the sort of thing you'd buy for fucking around with your friends on Discord. It hooks up with balanced stereo cables, and you have to run it through an amp to do anything with the signal, or an audio interface box if you want to get the sound into a computer. It is well-fortified and feels like it was carved out of a chunk of solid metal. It would probably survive being used to drive framing nails. Or being handed to your drummer. Same thing.

It came with a stand adapter, a zippered case, and a warranty card. It did not come with any instructions. They figure if you've got one of these you probably already know how it works.

It was on my Amazon list because these things are really good for general environmental sound. I've used them at work to mic everything from the piano in ballet classes to the entire cabaret theater for small shows. And despite that, I'm not sure I ever would have managed to buy one for myself.

When most of your life involves worrying about having no money, suddenly having a contextually-significant sum of money can be almost as bad. It should be great! Now you have FUNDS to fix all those THINGS you've been putting off! Except there are always going to be more Things than Funds, because you've been putting the Things off for a very long time. And you never know what Things might come up in the near future. Such is the nature of Things -- they like to jump out at you from behind the bushes right when you least expect it.

So you have to triage. Rent first. It's a million times harder to take care of anything else if you're unhoused. Most other creditors have some tolerance for late payments, with or without fees, especially if you call them to explain nicely first. You need to get to work, so you need gas money or transit fare, and probably internet if you do anything at all from home, and a phone if you do anything at all outside it.

After that you have to wrestle with a lot of things that are more problematic.

Do I really need new shoes? Like right now? Can't I just make do with the ones I have? Do they have to be new new, or just less dead than the current pair? Well, what can I afford? Oof, that much. I technically have it, but if I spend it, then it won't be there anymore. A pair of good shoes would be best and would last a lot longer, but then what do I do in the meantime? What if something else happens and I regret spending so much? There's no good way to convert shoes back to money in a hurry.

When things get bad enough, I do it with groceries. I go into the supermarket thinking about what I want to have in the house, then I see the prices on all of it and I ask myself, "Do I really need it that badly?" And no, I do not. I do need to buy something, but don't need any one specific thing in that store, so I wander around picking things up and putting them back and doing a lot of very stressed-out math. Eventually I buy more rat veggies and some random shit for that night's dinner just so I can go home. 

Buying work equipment is similarly troublesome. On top of the "what if I need that money later?" element, there's also a sense of obligation to only invest in supplies that will eventually make that expenditure back. You can do a lot with a USB desk mic. It won't be as good as using the Shure through an audio capture box, but it'll work. How do I know that spending $40 on a microphone (and then coughing up for the cable and other accessories) will get me enough extra gigs to get that $40 back? Forty bucks is a week of groceries for me, or the broadband bill. When you're in a position where you regularly run out of transit fare, that is a significant enough investment to be scary. 

Putting things off when you don't have the funds to deal with them is a lot easier if you decide that things like convenience and self-actualization are luxuries beyond your reach. It's very practical until you hit the point where you literally cannot afford to live no matter what you cut from the budget. Then you start making what probably look like weird, childish decisions, but are really just your last desperate attempts to be slightly less fucked-over by the whole ongoing situation. There is some help available when you're incredibly poor, but it takes time and effort to find it and convince people you need it, and it is only the absolute basics. The attitude is not just "this is all the help we can afford to give you", but "this is all you deserve until you shape up and make some money". You spend your tax return on a new TV, and blow a few hours of overtime on takeout and acrylic nails, because these are the 'nice things' accessible to you in that moment, and you are the only person who ever actually gives two shits about whether you are in any way comfortable. 

One of my most dearly beloved teachers has moved his weekly class to another studio. They haven't answered me yet about their workstudy program, and he doesn't have the power to comp me in exchange for work, so I'm stuck paying money. Things unexpectedly worked out -- this time -- but until then, my plan for dealing with it consisted of not buying groceries, Googling how long it would take me to get to the West End on foot, and trying to figure out how far my overdraft protection would go. 

There's enough to eat in the pantry right now, but I would have done the same if there weren't. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is the wrong decision, but also that there isn't a right one. It's the uncomfortable overlap between "adults understand that sometimes you make big sacrifices to get what you want" and "adults understand that sometimes dreams are stupid and your wishes are unimportant". I can walk a lot and be hungry and indebted, or I can be bored and restless and heartbroken. There is no option where I do not suffer, so I might as well do what I want.

I have no coherent conclusion here. Capitalism sucks, I guess.

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[loth-creatures]

Alright. Thoughts have been formed.

Ok gonna be real this trailer has already confirmed some of my worst fears for the show and there's a great chance I will be divorcing star wars after this.

Rebels stuff aside, it looks like there might be some neat stuff happening. I'm intrigued about any elements from the og legends Thrawn trilogy they might bring in and actually name dropping Heir to the Empire?! Hell yeah!!! Also HUYANG?!?!? YESSS OH MY GOD YES

Will they actually do AHSOKA TANO herself justice in her own show? Genuinely hard to say at this point. But given that star wars really doesn't seem to give a shit about its characters anymore, I don't have high hopes. It looks like it's primary purpose is to expand the universe and bring in new material so they can make more shows. That's it. I hope it's more character-centric then it looks but pffftt

And as for bringing the rebels characters back...hhhnhgh. I have incredibly mixed feelings at this point. I want to be happy for them so badly but the truth is there is simply no way they're gonna be done any justice at all. The casting choices alone say it all. I think Eman Esfandi can pull off Ezra just fine, regardless of how inherently jarring the transition to live action will be. But Hera and Sabine got fuckin whitewashed. No hate to the actors but they were not the right choices. Once again wishing this show was gonna be animated smh. And long hair Sabine? I don't care if she cuts it, its out of character as fuck I'm sorry. How dare. And my worst fear that she has actually been sitting on Lothal this entire time seems to be coming true. Like she doesn't even have her armor on? Are you kidding me? So she just wasn't doing shit while Mandalore got fucking destroyed? While her family is in danger?? I'm PRAYING that she appears in mando season 3 for five seconds to give any indication at all that she's still involved with Mandalorians. Explain this now. I get that she could've been involved and then come back to lothal after but. I'm very concerned.

But aaanyway. Rebels as a whole had an underdog charm to it that simply cannot be replicated in any mainstream live-action star wars ever. It was incredibly genuine to what star wars is supposed to be, in ways that the mainstream, water-downed, marvel-ified, profit-generating shows will never be allowed to. And trying to continue the story with these shows at this point just makes it feel fucking gentrified. Idk if the fact that it was understaffed and under budgeted is what allowed rebels to like. Slip under the radar and be considerably more creative, experimental, and inclusive than what we'd usually expect of Disney star wars? But I have a sinking feeling that it's gonna be completely sanitized for any future projects.

As for the fandom side of things. Rebels is probably gonna get a massive rennaissance era out of this for better or for worse. In fact it already started a while ago I think. Seems like a lot of people have really warmed up to it over the years. On the one hand it deserves all the love ever, some goddamn respect finally, and new fans will be welcome!

But I was there in the trenches back when this show was slandered left and right for YEARS. So part of me of course is all like lmao who's laughing now suckers at the people who said rebels was boring and worthless and all that. Suck my dick lol. Technically we are WINNING. But part of me is also protective af of my overhated underrated show and I don't want the rest of the Star Wars Fandom coming anywhere near here. I'll bite you.

So yeah. I'm gonna watch this show and the fallout. And probably be very mentally ill about it. I'm gonna try and enjoy some of it. And hope to god I don't regret the small amount of optimism I have left. If it's terrible I'm gonna turn evil probably. Literally just don't even talk to me come August it's gonna get ugly.

HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET BUT I SAW THE AHSOKA TRAILER IS OUT AND LITERALLY YEETED MY PHONE ACROSS THE ROOM IM SO SCARED FUUUCCKK

[buckybarnesowl]

It Never Ends: Chapter 1

Whumptober 2021 Series

Pairing: College!AU Bucky x fem! Reader

Series description: Bucky and Y/n are fourth-year undergrads with the same major. They’ve always had a crush on each other but were too reserved to do anything about it. One horrendous night pushes them together and they’re forced to navigate the fallout together, for better or for worse.

A/n: Each chapter will be different Whumptober 2021 prompts. I'm aiming to be a completist! (We'll see how well that goes LOL). There will be a happy ending-ish, but the series is going to be FULL of whump so buckle up, it's going to be a whumpy ride (yeah, I went there and I don't regret it).

Warnings: 18+!!! This series is not for minors. The main plot line is based around sexual assault/rape themes and the fallout that comes from that type of trauma. Please if you are not 18+ do not engage. You are responsible for your own media consumption.

Chapter 1 length: 1.6K

Chapter 1 warnings: sexual assault, drinking, drugging, non-con (attempted rape), vomiting

No. 1 - ALL TRUSSED UP AND STILL NOWHERE TO GO “You have to let go” | barbed wire | bound No. 7 - MY SPIDEY-SENSE IS TINGLING helplessness | numbness | blindness No. 14 - UNDER PRESSURE crush injuries | beaten | force

Series Masterlist | Masterlist

Bucky hated parties. Correction, Bucky hated these types of parties. College ragers where everyone got too drunk and too high. Lines got crossed. Lives changed forever, without anyone knowing.

Bucky watched guys he took class with get handsy with first year girls who clearly were uncomfortable but too shy to say no. It sickened him and he was ready to leave. He put his red plastic cup on a counter, unfinished, and stormed off into the blaring music and sea of swaying screaming undergrads to find his friends.

Bucky was a fourth-year, slated to graduate after next spring so long as he passed all of his classes. Which wouldn’t be a problem. School had never been an issue for Bucky. He was just one of those naturally bright children. You’d never guess it from afar. He was quiet and moody, never participating in class. With his buddies he was a bit more playful, though maintained a reserved sarcasm that was far too advanced for any child to possess. It was as if he had lived lifetimes before—and old grandpa in a young man’s body his mom used to say.

In high school, he naturally transitioned into the brooding bad boy stereotype, wearing all black and a smug look on his face no matter the situation. He was also reckless as a teenager and it’s how he lost his left arm. A cliff diving jump gone bad. He spent the summer after grade 12 in physiotherapy, learning to adjust to the prosthetic.

Bucky struggled his first-year at college. His grades were fine, but the weight of losing his swim scholarship sent him into a depression that first semester. Swimming had been the only thing he had ever committed himself to. It’s how he met Steve and Sam. They had all gotten scholarships to the same college. Their futures were set. Until the accident.

If it wasn’t for Steve and Sam, Bucky probably would have dropped out before the end of that first term. But they made sure to include him in all the team get-togethers and were the ones that pushed him to join the assistant coach crew during starting second semester. Now here they all were, in their final year, at the arts faculty’s annual fall party.

And it was just as disgusting as it had been the first year.

“There you are, man! We’ve been looking for you everywhere!” Sam slapped Bucky on the shoulder.

“Yeah, we’ll I’m leaving,” Bucky grunted out.

“What?! C’mon Buck, it’s not even midnight. It’s Friday and I know you don’t have to study.” Steve encouraged.

“You guys know I hate this shit. I can’t stand watching these guys. We all know what happens at these parties. I mean those two assholes alone should have been expelled ages ago.”

Bucky shivered as Brock Rumlow and Quintin Beck came out of the hall, fussing over some stupid shit he had no interest in knowing about. He hated guys like them, and called them out on their bullshit whenever the opportunity presented itself.

That's why Bucky had made himself read every single post shared via the Untold account at his college. And then he made all of the guys on the swim team read them, followed by a mandatory team training session on consent and sexual harassment. He’d always treated girls with respect. His ma raised him not to know any different. Consent was just a given. It made his stomach churn to know that shit happened around him and he refused to be a part of it if he could help it.

“Ugh, you’re such a buzz kill… and you’re totally right. Why don’t we go grab gyros?”

“You’re always hungry, Sam,” Steve laughed. “But I could definitely eat.”

“Cool, I’m just going to wizz and then I’ll meet you guys outside, yeah?”

“Sounds good,” the two friends nodded.

Bucky turned down the hall and started testing doors. He’d never been to this particular faculty residence before, and had no idea where the washroom was. His stomach dropped when he opened the third door.

---------------------------------------------------

Y/n hated these on campus parties, always had, but Wanda and Natasha insisted she come.

“It’s your final year, Y/n.”

“If you don’t let loose you’re going to look back and regret your college years.”

The two red heads had pushed, and she caved.

“I’m only going because I’m sick of your peer pressure,” Y/n clarified with an eye roll.

“Good enough for me,” Nat chimed, accompanied by Wanda’s nod of approval.

“Besides, Bucky will probably be there,” Wanda sang.

“Oh my god will you two stop with that? I say a guy is cute one time and you just can’t let it go, can you?”

“Hey, you don’t share very often so we’re just trying to support you in your interests,” Natasha said matter of factly.

“Ugh, I won’t come if you keep up you support” said Y/n, using air quotes around the last word.

Her two friends dropped it. And so here she was, surrounded by a sea of sexual tension and intoxication. A horrible mix. She put her drink down to check her phone. She’d lost the two redheads after the first hour and was thinking of ditching. Not that it had anything to do with the fact that she hadn’t spotted Bucky.

She had met him while swimming at the college pool. She’s always loved swimming. It was a stress release for her. Water had that effect on her, always setting her at ease. He had offered a few pointers in the sweetest non-condescending way one time. They realized they were in the same major and even had a class together, so the two would chat occasionally. But Bucky’s reservedness and Y/n’s avoidant personality meant their friendship never grew beyond casual conversations when they were in the same class, or happened to run into each other on campus. Though that didn't stop her from fantasizing about what it might be like to—

“Why come to a party just to be on your phone,” a deep voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Umm, sorry, do I know you?”

“I’m Brock, we’ve all got graphic lit together,” motioning his hand to include the three of them—y/n, Brock Rumlow, and Quentin Beck.

“Ohhh right, you’re the loud one.”

“Ha! She’s got you there,” Quentin chimed in. Y/n knew Quentin from high school. The loathing she felt for him then was even stronger now. She knew some of the Untold stories were about him.

“Y/n! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

Y/n sighed in relief at Wanda’s perfect timing.

“Found my friends, I’m gonna go,” she said, feeling flushed at barely evading the two men as she grabbed her drink.

“I’m sure we’ll see you around, Y/n,” Quentin winked at her, sending a chill through her body.

“Fucking gross,” Y/n released after chugging the rest of her drink.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry we lost you! Are you ok? Did they touch you? Fucking Beck. And who was that other douche?” Sincere concerned flashed across Wanda’s face.

“No, they didn’t touch me. And that was Brock Rumlow. I’ve had a few classes with him over the years. He’s a misogynistic prick. Not surprised him and Quintin are friends. I need another drink”

“Who’s a misogynistic prick?” Nat asked as she approached her two friends.

“Quintin Beck and every dude he hangs out with.”

“I’ll drink to that. Here, Y/n, I got two cause the line was so long,” Natasha handed her the spare cup and the three cheersed.

Within fifteen minutes, Y/n started to feel like the room was spinning.

“Are you ok?” Wanda asked her.

“Yeah, you’re looking pale. Did you forget to eat dinner again?” Natasha added.

“No, no… I ate… I think. Maybe I just drank too fast. I think I’m going to head home.” All Y/n wanted to do was lie down. And maybe vomit first.

“Do you want us to come with you?” Wanda asked.

“No, no I’ll be fine. Love you both. Seriously, I’m good. Just super tired.”

“Ok, text us when you get home.”

“Always,” Y/n assured her friends, hugging them both before she pushed her way through the crowd to find a bathroom first.

The floor was tilting at this point and her vision was blurring. She felt the blood draining from her face and she wasn’t sure if she was going to pass out or vomit or both. She fumbled with a bunch of doors until one opened.

“Told you we’d see you around.”

Before Y/n could register out who was in the room, she was on her stomach. Rough hands were tying her wrists together behind her back, while another set of hands were binding her ankles. She tried to scream but nothing came out. She was flipped on her back and it was like her entire body was numb. Like a fever dream where you try to move your limbs but you’re frozen in slow motion while everyone else seems to speed around you.

Hot breath that reeked of yeast and alcohol suffocated her as one of the figures pressed all of their weight on top of her. Someone else, she was sure there was someone else, was trying to take her jeans off. Y/n thanked all the gods that she wore her Levi’s with the damned button fly.

The guy at her legs kept swearing and struggling with her jeans, while the other one was spreading their moist lips all over face. She felt her cheeks burn with his stubble. Her stomach churned as his sloppy tongue forced its way into her closed mouth while his fingers kneaded her breasts painfully. By some miracle, Y/n was suddenly able to turn her head away. The bile rose through her esophagus and she’d never been so grateful for being sick in her whole life.

“Fuck! You fucking bitch!” the one guy spat out as he jumped off of her.

“Dude that’s fucking disgusting. I’m not doing this.”

Y/n continued to vomit as the two men left and the door closed, not noticing when it opened again.

Chapter 2

[detroit-grand-prix]

Wildest Dreams Chapter 7 - Begin Again

Chapter summary: Bee is recovering from her accident at the Red Bull Ring and the resulting surgery. She doesn’t know if there’s a way forward for her to continue racing without her academy sponsorship. She’s not even sure she wants to. But when she’s recovering at home, she has a visitor that throws her career an important lifeline. 

Content warning: This chapter contains mentions of a racing accident.

Chapter word count: 3,022

Author’s notes: No notes for this chapter, either. It’s also transitional, but of the original chapters I’d written for this story, I think it’s my favorite. It’s oddly comforting to me. 

Previous Chapter

Degerloch, Stuttgart, Baden-Württemberg, Germany Early June, 2016

Bee spent 5 days in the hospital before she was discharged. She’d been fitted with an actual cast and a sling, and was told to take it easy - nothing physical above a light walk, no lifting anything that weighed more than 4kg - for the next few weeks, to give a chance for her concussion and her surgical incisions to heal. 

Her parents ended up canceling their return flight to Stuttgart altogether and renting a car to drive back home. While it wasn’t unsafe, per se for Bee to fly with a mild concussion, Dr. Tischler suggested that avoiding all of the extra commotion of flying and airports would probably spare Bee a lot of stress and pain. It was almost a six-hour drive, but Bee slept most of the way back, only really waking up when they stopped in Munich to eat.

Bee’s parents were sure to remind her that she needed rest. In their minds, she was itching to get back to being as active as possible, but Bee found that she liked being asleep more for now. Being asleep meant she didn’t have to think about her future in racing for the time being. When she was awake, her mind was an endless loop of the decisions she’d come to regret and how she found herself in this position. Being awake just meant feeling anxious about the future. For now, it was better to just sleep. 

A few days after she’d gotten home, though, she had a visitor.

The sound of voices from downstairs woke Bee from her dozing. She hadn’t really meant to fall asleep again. She had been trying to read a book, but it was hard to focus on anything for very long, and everything seemed to tire her out - something else she’d been told to expect. 

“It should pass after a few weeks, but just take it easy and don’t try to do too much too fast”, was what the doctor had said, if Bee could remember correctly, but remembering anything was hard. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been asleep, but the sun was still out - it was trying to shine through her bedroom curtains that were pulled closed to keep the room darker. The light gave her headaches. She blinked a few times, trying to adjust her eyes to the ambient light that filtered in.

Bee stared at her bedroom door, trying to focus her attention on the source of voices, which were now getting closer, coming up the stairs. One was her mom’s voice, but she wasn’t sure who she was talking to. Just as Bee was wondering who it could be, there was a soft knock on the door.

“Honeybee,” Josephine said softly, sticking her head halfway through the door as she pushed it open a crack. “Are you awake? You have a visitor, if you’re up for it.”

Bee was already sitting upright. She’d been sleeping propped up by a stack of pillows since she’d gotten home because lying down made her feel dizzy and nauseous, like she’d had too much to drink. Aside from that, the effort of trying to sit back up would send bolts of pain and pressure straight to the front of her head. Something else that would pass, she’d been told. She normally couldn’t fall asleep unless she was on her stomach, but the constant exhaustion she was feeling seemed to win out over the difficulty of trying to fall asleep in a less-than-comfortable position.

“I’m awake, Mom. Who’s here?” Bee rubbed the remnants of her nap from her eyes with her good hand. She hoped she didn’t sound too groggy. She thought it might be one of her friends from high school that she'd kept in touch with, since she wasn’t sure who else would be nearby enough to come visit.

Josephine pushed the bedroom door fully open to reveal Susie Wolff standing in the doorway behind her.

“Susie!” A grin spread across Bee’s face as Susie walked over to Bee’s bedside, pulling her into a very careful, gentle hug that Bee returned with her free arm. “What are you doing here?” Bee shuffled gingerly to the left of her and gestured for Susie to sit at the edge of her bed, moving away the book she had been reading.

“Do either of you need anything?” Josephine asked from the doorway. Susie and Bee both declined. “Well, I’ll leave you two to visit. Shout if I can get you anything.”

Susie sank down to perch at the edge of Bee’s mattress, and patted her hand gently. “Well, Toto had a meeting with the Daimler board here in Stuttgart today, so I thought I’d pop down with him and see how you were getting on. I’m sorry we couldn’t make it to see you while you were in hospital - oh, here,” Susie reached into the purse that was still slung over her shoulder and produced a lavender-colored greeting card envelope that she pressed into Bee’s hand. 

She set her purse down on the next to Bee’s bed, and continued. “But we’ve both been thinking about you since your accident. Toto told me to tell you that he is sorry he couldn’t come by to see you here as well - we’re just here for a few hours and flying back to Oxfordshire tonight - Silverstone is this weekend. I’m excited about it, but these doubleheader weekends are killer.” 

Bee looked at the envelope, her fingers passing over Susie’s elegant script that formed her name, “Phoebe” on the front. 

“No, it’s okay, thank you both for thinking of me, and thank you for the card, and for the flowers you and Toto sent me at the hospital. It was really nice.” She didn’t want to open the card in front of Susie, thinking it would be awkward, so she set it in her lap for the time being.

Susie leaned in, expression and voice softening. “So, How have you been feeling? You were in hospital for a few days, weren’t you? I saw the video of the crash, it looked bad.”

Bee nodded. “I’m…okay. Just tired. I was in the hospital in Spielberg for… almost a week. I’ve been sleeping a lot,” she said. “But I guess that’s normal, with the concussion. And they had to take a bone graft from my hip to fix my wrist, and put a plate in. I guess it could have been worse. And hey - I got some new internal hardware out of it”, she said, trying to sound lighter than she felt. Both of them were acutely aware of the fact that it could have been - and has been, even, far worse. 

Susie chuckled a little. “Well, you and Toto match now - he had to have a plate put in his wrist after his bike accident two years ago.” 

Bee smirked. “Oh, yeah, I’d forgotten about that. I couldn’t believe he still made it to the race the weekend after that.” 

Susie rolled her eyes. “Yes, and then ended straight back in hospital with a fever because he couldn’t take it easy and rest like he was told.” Susie reached out and patted Bee’s hand again. “I took away his phone for a few days. Hopefully you’re not going to follow his bad example and go running off to the track right away.”

Bee sighed and looked down at her lap. “Yeah, about that… I’m not sure when the next time I’ll be back at a race track again. I would have been out for the rest of the season regardless, but,” Her shoulders fell a bit. “Dr. Marko called me before I’d even left the hospital to let me know that I was being let go. He said I wasn’t,” Bee swallowed, paused, and looked up at the ceiling while she tried to recall what she’d been told on the phone. “- performing as expected recently, even before the crash, and since I was out anyway for the rest of this season, they needed to move on.”

Susie leaned back a little. She looked shocked. “Well. I knew Red Bull could be… difficult, but that’s bloody ruthless.”

“Yeah, so,” Bee continued, looking back down at her lap again. She couldn’t bear to meet Susie’s eyes. “Without the academy sponsorship or development program, I don’t think I’ll be able to go on.” 

“That sounds familiar, too”, Susie said. “I think I told you this, but I broke my ankle when I was about to move up into Formula 3 from Formula Renault - not from a crash though, I was out on a run of all things, and my sponsor dropped me because even though the season hadn’t started yet, I wouldn’t be ready in time. But, that’s how I ended up in DTM with Mercedes - maybe you could go -”

Bee shook her head, eyes still downcast. 

“I’m not sure I want to, either, it’s just,” She rubbed her eyes with her right hand. “Something happened at the race the weekend before Austria… and it was making me consider whether or not I should continue anyway, even before the crash.”

Susie looked concerned. “What… happened?”

Bee thought for a moment. Maybe if she told someone, it wouldn’t feel like such a heavy burden on her psyche. And if there was anyone she felt safe telling, it was Susie. “Please don’t tell my parents or anyone else about this,” Bee sighed a heavy sigh, “They’ll be so furious and probably wouldn’t let me continue even if I want to and still found a way around the funding issue, but -” her voice started to waver. 

She took a measured, shaking breath before continuing. 

“While we were in Pau, some that’s in Red Bull with me, his name is Evgeni… he got mad that I had beat him in both qualis and the first race,” 

Tears were starting to well up in Bee’s eyes, which were still fixed on the envelope in her lap. 

“After the Saturday race, he said he wanted to talk to me about something in private, so I followed him behind the garage and started yelling at me, and then he - he,” Bee swallowed and tried to take another deep breath. “Something I said made him really mad. We were arguing about this move he tried to pull that I defended against, and he pinned me to the wall and tried to get his hands up my… my fireproofs and my bra because I had my suit unzipped… he said I was only as good as a pair of tits.” 

Bee squeezed her eyes shut, causing tears to drop and splatter across the top of the envelope. 

“I tried telling Dr. Marko about it after I’d gotten home, before the trip to Austria. I thought it was the right thing to do. But he said he didn’t want to hear it, and I’d focus on improving my lap times and standings if I cared about my future with the team, and how this was why girls were more trouble than they’re worth”.

The tears were now flowing down Bee’s face unimpeded, but she was doing her best to avoid making enough noise to alert her mother downstairs. She still hadn’t told her parents about what happened.

“Oh, no”, Susie said, dismayed. “I’m so sorry, Bee.” Susie touched Bee’s shoulder, looking for any sign that Bee would reject her comfort. When she saw none, she rubbed Bee’s back in careful, soothing circles. “That shouldn’t have happened to you… maybe you should report it to the FIA directly if Dr. Marko won’t -” 

Bee sighed another shaky sigh.

“I thought about it, but honestly, I don’t want anyone to find out, or get the wrong idea about what happened. You know how these things are. There would be an investigation and it would drag out for months, if it goes anywhere in the first place. People will say I was asking for it. I know it’s what I should do, but…” Her voice trailed off.

“It’s even worse because… he’s the one that ran me off the track in Austria and caused the crash. I don’t really remember what happened other than hitting the kerb and landing and hitting the barrier. My mom said I was overtaking him on the inside and he squeezed me off the track, I vaulted over the kerb, and went right into the Armco. She said the stewards found him at fault. It was his fault, and I still lost my sponsorship. It feels like I’m losing everything I’ve been working for, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Bee was now crying in earnest, shoulders shaking as her frame was wracked with quiet sobs. Susie continued rubbing her back, and leaned over and collected Bee into her arms, careful not to disturb her left side. The position was awkward but Bee leaned into the hug as best she could, feeling a sense of relief of having someone to tell that she could trust and wouldn’t judge her. 

They sat like that for a few minutes, Susie continued rubbing Bee’s back and quietly telling her, “it’s okay, I got you”, trying to calm Bee down.

“Thank you,” she said with a sniffle once she could breathe easier. She laid back on her pillows. Her head hurt. She felt pathetic and wrung out. Her eyes burned and her face felt hot. Her head hurt. She hated people seeing her as being vulnerable or fragile, but Susie was an exception - one of the only exceptions. Being a woman in motorsport was a lonely existence most of the time, and very few people knew that better than Susie Wolff. 

“I know you said right now you might not want to continue, but… it seems like you don’t want to stop, despite everything that’s happened.” Susie said, delicately, “And I’d hate to see you stop. I retired last year because I felt like I’d gone as far as I could at my age, and I had other things I’d wanted out of life that I put on hold for my career. But you - you’re still just at the beginning of yours. Now, I cannot speak for Toto, but I think if you wanted to continue with support from Mercedes’ junior program, I -”

Bee shook her head a little and cut Susie off before she could finish her sentence. “No, I don’t want people to think that I - I mean… if I’m honest, I do regret not joining Mercedes instead of Red Bull, especially because you and Toto have been so nice to me and supported me even when my own program didn’t. It was a huge mistake, and something I’ll always regret. Dr. Marko couldn’t even talk to me when he let me go from the program. He left me a voicemail while I was in the hospital! He didn’t even call to speak to me directly, or even ask me if I was okay! And I regret it but… I don’t… ” Bee visibly struggled to find the words to say, and scrubbed at her face with the back of her right hand, burying her face in her palm. 

“I don’t want a spot with Mercedes out of pity, just because I failed elsewhere first.”

“Phoebe, look at me.” Susie reached out and gently took Bee’s hand, carefully guiding it away from her face, allowing it to rest in hers.  “I remember why you joined Red Bull in the first place four years ago. You had your reasons for saying no, then. You wanted to follow your role model and to forge your own path. Red Bull was more established at the time because Mercedes was still building their junior program. It’s understandable, but the reality is”, she said gently, but looking Bee in the eyes. 

“You didn’t fail, not really. You had a great first season in Formula 3 and two amazing seasons in Formula Renault. Most kids that start in karting don’t even get to single-seaters, and you’ve had to do it while fighting through a world that isn’t made for people like you and me. And when Toto introduced me to you, I saw myself in you. I think he might have seen me in you, too. I remember how lonely it felt to be fighting in this world alone, and we - I  - have supported you for all of this time because I saw a talented, determined young woman who shouldn’t have to feel like I did. Plus, even in the highest levels of the sport, drivers change teams all the time.”

Bee finally allowed herself to look at Susie. She thought for a moment, and said “I guess… that’s true…”

Susie gave Bee’s hand a squeeze. “It is. The other reality is you have enough talent to stand on your own. You joining Mercedes wouldn’t be just out of pity, because nobody gets offered sponsorship or an academy spot out of pity, that’s not how it works. It wouldn’t be just because you know me, or you know Toto, or your father’s career, or anything else - it’s because you’re quick, and you have talent. The fact is, you’re the one that is alone out there, driving the car, nobody else can do that for you. Toto likes to say that racing drivers need to be a lion in the car, but what he always forgets is that it’s the lioness that does the hunting. You’re definitely a lioness when you’re in that car, and you have the heart of a lioness outside of it. You’ve earned the opportunity, Phoebe Noelle Stallard. You’ve more than earned it. Now, you just have to take it. “

She used Bee’s full name to convey how serious she was.

Bee blushed, lowering her head a bit. She closed her eyes for a second, took another deep breath, and met Susie’s gaze again. 

“Okay. Yes. You’re right. I still want to race.”

Susie smiled and sat back, looking pleased. “I’ll have Toto give you a call, then, and then the two of you you can work out the details.”

Next Chapter