#choi Ray

[pastelsapphy]

Twins be Twinning

[natasha-in-space]

VAE Ray is on my mind today. Like if we take the classic 'V route but in love with Ray' road, you cannot tell me that that boy did not think of you almost every single day during the two years he has spent away on his painful recovery. There is so much left unsaid between the two of you: so much guilt, so much hurt and so many regrets plaguing his head every time he sees something that reminds him of you. And, God, does that include a lot of things.

He goes outside and one look at the clouds brings back a memory of those short but meaningful talks he shared with you about the most simple of things. He remains indoors, and after taking a sip of the herbal tea that Jihyun made for him, he is immediately transported back to a peaceful tea party he set up for you. He stares at his hands, and he can't help but think back on how heavenly your touch felt against them. And how much he regrets wearing those pesky gloves at the time, never giving him the chance to feel your skin on his.

You're like a ghost that watches over his every step. It's often painful. Like a constant reminder of all that could have been if he didn't ruin every chance at his happiness with you. Sometimes it gets a little too hard on him, and Saeran takes over. But sometimes it's comforting. Like a warm hug, keeping him secure when all else falls apart.

He refuses to let you go.

So when he does meet you again, it's like a fragile fantasy that is far too idealistic for it to be true. Ray had no expectation that his brother would remember him. No matter what Jihyun has told him over those two years, he couldn't bring himself to believe that Saeyoung truly wanted him in his life to be the burden that he truly is. So when he gets crushed into a tight, desperate hug that is a bit too painful for his scarred body, his twin's whole body shaking, wracked with sobs Ray's ears can't quite register fully due to how unbelievable it all is... He's almost in a trance-like stare. Hearing Saeyoung's voice telling him to never leave again as he holds him so tight, it's like he's afraid he'll disappear into thin air once he lets go...

None of it was what Ray or Saeran had expected.

And then there's you. Your reunion with Ray will definitely be an emotional event for both of you. Ray was sure that, at best, you had forgotten all about him and lived on a happy and safe life. A life that you deserve. And at worst, that you hated him, and cursed him for hurting you the way that he did.

But instead, you are so unbelievably happy to see him. So happy that you are crying for him. Much like Saeyoung is.

The two people he had the worst fear of facing again were accepting of him and shedding tears for him in a way he had never even imagined.

So he also breaks down. And the three of you probably spend a lot of time crying into each other's arms as two years of grief, heartbreak, and recovery wash over you all at once.

After that, things don't immediately turn perfect. There are still many things that need to be said. You and Ray will have many conversations with each other, taking breaks to process it all piece and piece and not overwhelm one another. About what happened those two years ago. About what happened after that. About your feelings for each other. And about Saeran, too.

It's a process that takes time. But the fact that you're willing and even wanting to go through that process with him is enough to cause Ray to shed tears more than he could count.

The beginning is small, very small. Brief brushing of his fingers against yours while you are sitting together in the shade of a large tree in Saeyoung's backyard. The lightest of touches you give to his scars after he allows it. A hand resting on his shoulder gently as he talks about something heavy to let him know you're there for him.

Every touch leaves his entire body shaking, his breath stuttering in his throat, forcing him to let out the faintest of gasps. The first time it happened, he got very ashamed and apologized profusely to you, as he thought he acted like a complete creep and made you uncomfortable. Ray knows he's touch-starved, and that he's touch-starved for your touch specifically. But he doesn't think it's something worth dealing with, not wanting to be a bother to anyone. Not any more than he already is. A thought process that he will need to work on one step at a time.

You let him know that it's okay, though. That you don't mind. That it's your own desire to touch him.

After that, you begin to take his hands into yours. The first time it occurs, your hand jist clasps around his lightly. Then you interlock your fingers together, once he's okay with that. And then he feels safe enough to do that to you, too.

Holding hands with you is something Ray loves with all his heart. No gloves are getting in the way now. He can feel your skin directly on his with no barriers. It's a wordless 'I got you' that he finds himself getting more and more greedy for, the longer you indulge his cravings for human warmth.

His scars are not bothersome to you. If he doesn't want to, you don't force him to talk about them. And you're always quick to let him know how beautiful he is to you whenever he feels insecure about them. Even if he has a hard time believing that.

You're far too good for him, is what Ray finds himself thinking time and time again. But at some point, he comes to the realization that he is too selfish to let you go again. And then Saeran joins in on that line of thinking after his own long journey with you. So he doesn't let you go again.

And that's when everything changes.

Ray can be clingy with you if you let him. He desires to hold your hand inside the house, regardless of whether it's just a walk to the balcony or kitchen. He will rest against you whenever you are resting, reading a book, or indulging in your hobby. You don't need to talk to each other. He just silently sinks against you and sighs softly, letting your presence wash away all other thoughts floating in his mind. While asleep, he clings to you, almost as if his subconsciousness is terrified of you disappearing again. He fiddles with your clothes, with your fingers, or with your hair whenever you are talking to someone, and he's there with you. It calms him. Keeps him steady.

There is an undeniable bittersweetness to Ray's clinginess. GE Saeran's touchiness stems from his heart's pure affection towards you, but VAE Ray neecs to constantly remind himself that you're there. That he can touch you. That you are not going anywhere. And that you have no hatred towards him.

But it can also be sweet. Like whenever you help him take care of his burns, or you ease him into a warm, soothing bath you've prepared just for him. Ray may be anxious. But you are always eager to show him how much you genuinely care for him. How much you enjoy touching him in the way he has always wanted to be touched by you. To allow him to unwind with you. Close his eyes and let you take care of him with no judgement.

Your relationship with VAE Ray described in one word would be: peace. It's peace after the long, heavy storm you had to endure to get to this point. And it's peace that you will cherish for as long as life allows you.

[marshmallowprotection]

Ray’s emojis are so utterly adorable. When you ask him if this is a pyramid scheme and he uses the little confused emoji 😭😭😭😭😭. I need to hold him in my arms

Local hacker has no idea what you're talking about! Pyramid scheme? No way! There's no pyramid scheme! He's not asking you to sell those bottles of elixir to strangers! He's asking you to join him in paradise so you never have to work another day in your life! He can spoil you and make sure you never have to lift a finger! There's no work involved in becoming his dearest flower.

[starry-marshmallow]

How I feel when I make a joke that Jihyun and Ray/Saeran laugh at:

[nek0mars]

catboy saeran !!

[sheepsdreamworld]

Ray asks gently ☺🥰

[shizukais]

[sapphireicecream]

🫗🥀

[0klahom4]

Will you join their tea party?

Versión 2

[cephydeluxe]

old joke lol post it anyway

[alivepossibly]

I made this a while ago, hopefully Saeran can find his audience on here...

[pastelsapphy]

Girl you must have seen that coming

[natasha-in-space]

All Good Things Must End

Ray/gn!reader;

From the beginning, you trusted Ray with all your heart. He was the embodiment of your fairytale dream come to life. Your respite from all the unappealing troubles of the outside world. But all fairytales have an ending to them. And yours is not as happy as you expected.

CW: brief mention of violence, erratic behavior, depiction of a codependent relationship. This is a Danger Ray fic! Set during V's route. Loosely based on the 7th day outgoing call to V (11:51 AM, after the 'Provoke' chatroom).

Lovely dividers by @/saradika-graphics!

Ray was a good man. A kind man. A fragile man, even. His entire appearance would remind you of a beautiful but delicate flower. So starved for love and warmth, yet so sensitive to every harsh touch of the wind, even the slightest of pushes against its soft petals would make it start to wilt. A flower that needed nothing but some gentle care and love for it to come into bloom. And, of course, you were willing to give him just that. After all, why wouldn't you be? Ray has been nothing but kind and caring towards you, ever since you stepped foot into this strange place, guiding you along the way while holding your hand and not minding any of your clumsy mistakes. He was understanding. Attentive. Curious. Always checking in with you and eager to hear about your day. Never ignoring you or making you feel stupid if you didn't understand a thing or two.

No wonder you found it so easy to open up to him in your short time here. You trusted that he would do no wrong by you. Just as he promised.

At least... that's what you thought. And appearances can be deceiving. Oh, so very deceiving. Now, it felt downright humiliating just how much of a blind fool you really were. How stupidly determined you were to deny and rebuke anyone daring to challenge your views on Ray.

You loyally refused to trust Rika's musings about Ray's 'darkness' during your brief stay with her, dismissing them as nothing but her twisted philosophy that you couldn't even begin to comprehend. You impulsively denied V's numerous warnings not to trust in Ray's sugary words, reassuring yourself over and over again that surely his affections for you must be true and earnest. You turned your back on every nagging suspicion buzzing at the back of your mind during short moments of unrest. You knew in your heart that Ray was a kind, tender boy. He was simply confined to an environment that would exacerbate his worst traits.

And he was only human, right? No one is immune to harmful outside influences being forced down upon them. Anyone could end up in his place one day, even you. It was no reason for you to be hostile and distrustful of him.

Then again, maybe that was just your mind trying desperately to keep you calm in the midst of a horrible storm you found yourself being forcibly thrust into. After all, accepting just how truly bad and out of your control things truly were here... How utterly helpless and vulnerable you were, with no one there to come save you if you needed it... How trapped and isolated you were in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing but miles and miles of lush mountain forests, with no civilization in sight...

Just the thought of it would make a heavy lump of acidic bile rise up to your throat. The sad truth is... Ray simply provided you with feelings of solace and comfort that some deeper, weaker part of you was so desperate for. Losing that was something you were not ready to face yet. He was there by your side from day one. He had a better understanding of you than anyone else did. Of course you would cling to his familiar presence for this brief feeling of stability you yearned for so gravely.

In retrospect, it was always a losing battle for you to try and win. You could have done better. You really, really could have done so much better. Yet it still hit you harder than a sledgehammer to the back of your skull, when the bitter reality has finally reared its ugly head to you, without any regard for your fragile heart.

You resent yourself for hitting that call button despite your gut screaming at you not to. You were already well aware that you would regret doing that, somewhere on the back of your mind. But, in the moment, your worry for your friend overpowered your lingering anxiety. Maybe out of some sense of duty. V made it all the way here, just to save you. You played a big role in his capture, in a way. If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't be in danger. And not knowing a single thing about his whereabouts or even his state was... daunting.

So, you dialed his phone number.

You anticipated that he wouldn't pick up. Maybe you would receive a very brief phone call with him begging you to keep yourself safe, like he always would. Or even just a quick exchange of words between you two that would maybe give you even the tiniest of clues on his whereabouts. Something you could then relay to Seven. Make yourself useful. Actually do something, instead of just sitting there and driving yourself mad with dozens upon dozens of anxious thoughts clouding your mind.

What you received was worse than you could have ever imagined.

It was one thing to hear pained groans, gasps, and raspy coughing on the other end of the line. You already had an expectation that V would not be okay when you hear his voice. It still left your knees feeling weak and your heart lurching in your chest with a dizzying intensity, but you could handle that, to an extent. What you couldn't handle was also hearing a familiar soft-spoken voice that has become an unstated but undeniable source of comfort for you. A voice that was now sounding so cold and angry, that your brain had a hard time comprehending what was happening, seemingly shutting down completely, as you remained deathly quiet for the whole duration of that cursed call.

Ray just was not supposed to be there.

You have heard him get angry before. You have heard him lose his grip on reality before. You have heard him say things you couldn't truly agree with, despite you still going along with them regardless, to avoid causing him any disturbance. Those were all aspects of him you were not blind to. You just actively chose to overlook them whenever they would come up. Something that you probably shouldn't have done.

-But you never heard him be so downright cruel and vicious before. Seemingly not at all disturbed by the very real sounds of suffering from the other living person there with him. Even getting angrier at them.

Like it was something completely normal. Not at all worth getting upset or worried over.

You couldn't wrap your head around the fact that this was the same man that worried himself sick over you simply scraping a knee. He was so caring, so empathetic to you back then... over a small cut, of all things. And now, that very same man was not at all disturbed by such grave suffering happening right in front of him.

No, by the sounds of it... he was actively causing it.

And that's not something you could live in peace with.

The call lasted for a maximum of two minutes. That's the time that your phone would display to you whenever you mindlessly return to it, anyway. But it felt way longer than that. For those two horrible minutes, your ears were ruthlessly subjected to the merciless reality you were so desperate to avoid facing up until that very moment.

The bitter truth was that Ray is not a fragile flower. Nor is he a prince from a fairytale. For, fairytales are not reality. No matter how much you want them to be. He was a man, a human being, just like you. Just like every other person in this building. And much like any human being, he was more than capable of causing harm by his own two hands if he so chooses. In fact, he would do so purposefully. And a victim of his spiraling wrath was no longer some faceless unlucky believer that you could forget about in a matter of hours, despite you genuinely feeling bad for them. No, it was your friend. A friend who fought so desperately to save you, even at the cost of his own safety. A friend you have come to care for in the short time you have known each other.

A friend, you knew for sure didn't deserve to be suffering in the way that he was. By the hands of your other friend you cared for just as deeply.

Such reality was just too cruel for you to bear.

So, you do the most foolish thing of all.

You confront Ray head-on.

"-Y/N, you must be confused... I've done no wrong. I do admit that I... did loose myself for a moment there, but- but it was his own fault! If he just kept quiet and drank the elixir like my Savior has instructed, I wouldn't get so upset with him. And he kept saying his stupid lies... He wouldn't shut up. My head hurt so bad... You have no idea."

You are left feeling sick to your very core by the soft apologetic smile reflected on Ray's face, once you do have a chance to finally face him again. No matter what you say, how hard you try to show him how wrong and cruel his actions really were, it was all completely pointless. For someone so seemingly skittish and subservient, Ray was frustratingly stubborn in his beliefs. It was like throwing a tennis ball at a wall. The more force you put into your throw to get your point across, the harder it just bounces right back into your face, leaving you with the painful sting of your failure.

You shake your head, an ugly mess of emotions steadily clouding your sense of judgment. At some point, you lose track of your location and position. All caution goes out the window. All that remains is a debilitating feeling of betrayal, clutching at your insides like metal rods slowly puncturing your very heart. "It is still wrong, Ray! How can you not see that!? He was suffering, and you just- just-"

The words don't come out of your mouth, obstructed by the suffocating lump stuck in the middle of your throat. You were going in circles now. You have been trying to get through to him for almost ten minutes straight, and still no results. You have to take a moment to try and regain your breathing. A soft glowed hand rests gently upon your chin, causing you to tilt your head to meet Ray's gaze instead.

You are disgusted by the genuine concern etched onto his delicate features. By the unfeigned emotions of nothing but genuine care and affection swimming in his eyes as he looks at you. By the tender touch warming up your clammy skin. All of it is sincere. You know he is not lying to you. Not right now, at least. And that is a sickening realization to come to.

More than anything, you are disgusted by the simple fact that you cannot perceive him as a monster or an angel. Ray is no perfect prince from a fairytale, no matter how hard he may try and appear to you as such.

He's a human.

Just like you.

And this implies that he is capable of all the atrocities that any human being is capable of. As much as he is kind to you, he can also be cruel to others. As much as his hands soothe and tremble when they brush up against yours, they can also hurt and sully those he harbors hatred for. It's not all black and white, as you would like to delude yourself into thinking.

And his actions were truly appalling to you. You couldn't live in your fantasy world anymore. It was sullied. Destroyed beyond repair. Your Wonderland has been corrupted from the start, and you just denied each and every sign of it, until it was too late.

"My prince/ss... It pains me to see you in such distress. Though, your tender heart is another trait of you that I adore," Ray whispers to you softly, his thumb lightly brushing over your cheekbone. He was touching you so gently, it's almost like you were made out of glass. And yet, just a few hours earlier, these exact hands were causing so much suffering to someone you care so deeply about. The thought prompts you to swallow hard and clutch your hands together as they start to shake. He continues, seemingly undisturbed by your lack of a positive response. "-But believe me when I say that that villain is not deserving of your compassion. He tried to take you away from me... To ruin what you and I have built together. I cannot stand by and watch him do that to us. What if you got hurt because of him? I would never forgive myself, if that were to happen."

You shut your eyes, refusing to accept the reality unfolding before you. Everything was wrong. So very wrong. One part of you wanted to scream and shout at him, to make him see the twisted nature of his words by pure unrelenting force if you have to. But there was another part of you that contemplated just giving up and concluding this interaction altogether. The debilitating feeling of helplessness was just too much for you to handle.

You are not allowed to do either of those things, however. Instead, another hand lightly rests on the small of your back, pulling you in towards the source of your distress. And you don't fight it. You feel your forehead come in contact with Ray's chest, his flowery scent filling your senses, as both of his arms are now circling around you. You hear a happy sigh fall from his lips. It all seemed like a very cruel joke on you. A moment that seemed so sweet and touching, bringing you nothing but more hurt and anguish.

Did he really not see anything amiss with any of this?

"I missed you so much, my flower... You know, when I heard that liar try and talk to me like he knew you better than I do, I felt like I might just strangle him right then and there. Make sure he never utters your lovely name ever again." Ray's voice is slightly gruff from how quiet it is against the side of your head. A low hum vibrates in his throat as he nuzzles into your hair like an affectionate cat would, breathing in your scent with all the longing you could possibly ask for. Though, the only thing that comes from his affections is a sickening feeling of dread for you.

"-But I thought of you. I thought of your lovely smile... Your eyes, your voice. I know I shouldn't think like this, but... You gave me more strength than my Savior's words ever did. What I did... I did for you. For us, Y/N." He continues, taking a step back from the hug to look at you. Your gaze is cast low, as you don't reciprocate the gesture. You can't bring yourself to look at him right now. It's hard to even keep yourself from putting your hands over your ears to avoid hearing it all. He gently tilts your head up, however, making it clear that he wants you to look at him. "Please don't be upset... It breaks my heart to see you sad because of that villain."

That's when the dam inside of you finally shatters, all repressed emotions spilling out in a violent wave of hopelessness you cannot bring yourself to stop. You wrench yourself away from Ray's arms, your own hands now clenched into tight fists as you look him directly in the eyes. There's a fire burning ever hotter inside of your chest, and you make no attempt to put it out. You let it take over you completely, consequences be damned.

"Villain?Villain!? Ray, he did all he could to save me! And you locked him up and tortured him for that!"

Your mind is screaming at you to stop. To stop and fix things before they spiral too out of your control.

You're being too aggressive. Too blunt. Too disobedient. Staying safe requires you to be both calm and smart about this. And you are neither of those things right now.

But you don't care.

Even as you see the emotions in Ray's eyes shift from that suffocating affection to a mix of desperation and frustration you know well. He makes a step towards you. You make two steps back. This makes his brows furrow in what you could only assume was dissatisfaction.

You never backed away from him before.

"Save you...? No. No. Y/N, he tried to steal you from me. Poison you with his lies, like he has done to my Savior. He did it to me, too! I'm the one who saved you. I did what had to be done to protect you!" You can actively hear his voice changing from the shaky disbelief at your denial of him to rough desperation to prove you wrong. It's borderline scary how quick those changes are occurring right in front of your eyes. Almost in a blink of an eye. It's yet another blaring warning for you to stop.

One that you ignore.

Instead, your frustration boils up inside of you, making you sneer at his stubborn refusal to see reason: "By hurting him!? By making him choke and gag in pain? What was the point of-"

Your angry line of thought is instantaneously interrupted by a small yeep that slips past your lips, as Ray closes in on you in just a couple of quick steps, grabbing at your wrists with a tight grip. Tight enough to cause you some discomfort. His eyes are wide, and his breathing is noticeably shaky. Like he's fighting to get enough air into his lungs and failing miserably. He yanks you close, making you stumble into him without much time for you to struggle or push back against him. Mostly due to your state of pure disbelief. You never expected Ray to actually do anything to you. And while he wasn't actively hurting you, this was still shattering your perception of him to bits and pieces. Or, what remained of it.

"That was nothing, Y/N. He deserved all of that. He deserved that and more. You feel sad for him? You wish mercy on him?" You are suddenly pushed back against the wall, and Ray's slim form keeps you trapped in this makeshift cage you created for yourself with your reckless actions. Ray's voice grows shakier, yet also significantly lower. It sounded dangerous. Angry. His nose brushes up against yours, as he's leaning so close to you, you can't focus on anything but him. Your breath hitches as you instinctively press yourself up against the wall, the panicked pounding of your heart echoing in your temples. "You have no idea how badly he hurt me. What pain I went through because of that- that-"

You can't help but wince in pain as his grip on you tightens. An action that seems to immediately shake Ray out of his temporary fit of anger, as he gasps and quickly lets go of you, stumbling backwards with a frightened expression painted over his features. You don't even have to look at him to know that he is probably in a less than stable state of mind. You are left staggered, betrayed and confused, as you stand there, eyes cast low, rubbing at your wrists. They didn't hurt. Not much, at least. It's the psychological aspect of it that left an impact of you.

Ray's voice feels muffled as it reaches your ears through the constant flow of thought in your head.

"I- N-No, Y/N, I'm sorry, I didn't want to- Are you hurt?" You can see him taking a step back towards you, hand reaching out for yours, probably to check on your wrists. You can tell he's scared. And upset. Probably guilty. Which makes this even harder for you to grapple with.

Either way, you cut him off, not wanting to hear any more of this. Partially because you understand that staying to listen will only cause you to break further, if it was even possible at this point. Because he sounds so genuine, nervous, and miserable, it makes your heart ache for him despite yourself. Makes you want to look up, smile, and say that you're okay. That you two can figure it out together.

And you don't want to repeat the same mistake twice.

"Just... Leave, Ray." You mutter out quietly, not raising your eyes at him. You sound a bit too soft for your liking, but it'll do. Swallowing, you repeat yourself for good measure. "Please. Leave."

There is a prolonged pause between the two of you. It's almost too lengthy for comfort. Neither of you say anything for a while. But the tension in the air is thick, and it does not fade with time. It only grows. Crawling over you like snakes. There is a fear within you that prevents you from looking at him. A fear of seeing the pain in his eyes. Or, instead, to come face to face with that same anger that felt so alien to you.

Ray finally speaks up. His voice is barely audible.

"...N-No..."

He moves closer to you still. For the second time today, you are finding yourself backing away. But now, you turn your back on him and keep your hands locked where you can see them. You can feel them shaking. With a sigh, you repeat: "Leave."

And, as you soon learn, that was not a very wise choice for you to make.

You're quickly spun around before you can think to act, and Ray's fingers are digging into your shoulders with a disturbing intensity, leaving you little time to react. He's observing you as if you were a wounded animal that was left behind after being hit by a car. Like you're the saddest creature he had ever seen. And, for some reason, that look scares you more than the previous anger he showed you.

"I can't believe this..." He murmurs under his breath, his eyes darting over your figure, almost like he was searching for something physical on you that could be visible to the human eye. But he doesn't find it, and that seems to upset him further. You try to pull away from him, only to get jerked back in again, his hold on you tightening.

Only this time, he does not pay any attention to your visible discomfort. He was too occupied with his own thoughts that you were not aware of. It's like he doesn't even see you. Not fully, anyways.

He holds your chin and tilts your face to examine you more closely. As he does, his shaky breath sneaks over your cheek and causes you to shiver in place.

"He... He poisoned you, didn't he...?"

The hushed murmur sounds so utterly ridiculous that it almost makes you forget about the disturbing nature of this situation for a good moment. Yet, he was completely serious. And he wasn't even talking to you, by the looks of it.

"What? Ray, I-"

"-That's why you are saying all these things to me... That's why you don't trust me anymore." Ray cuts you off as if you were not there, his brows furrowing into a deep scowl, but not one aimed directly at you. One of his hands grips onto your chin, while the other finds your hand and takes it into his own, his fingers sliding between yours. He grasps it tight, in a hold that would feel reassuring, if it wasn't for the circumstances. "My Y/N wouldn't tell me to leave. I should've guessed..."

A shiver of fear runs down your spine. As your outburst of frustration subsides, you slowly start to realize the seriousness of this situation for you, as the fire of anger and betrayal subsides. Now you wish Ray was angry again. At least then he still listened to you. But how can you fix things when he doesn't even acknowledge you?

"-Don't worry," You are brought back to reality by a warm and assuring smile on Ray's face. One that only makes you feel nauseous. He leans in and presses a kiss to your forehead, making your breath hitch. Staying there, he whispers onto your skin, like a secret promise only for your ears to hear. "I will fix it, my prince/ss. I shouldn't have been away from you for this long in the first place... My Savior is far too busy to give you the care and attention you need. But now, I'm here. And I'm not leaving your side again. I promise. I'll make sure you are smiling again."

He does not let go of you again. While your fairytale might have been broken, his has only begun its story. And his happily ever after is not something he will give up on. Even if you did.

[marshmallowprotection]

it’s 2am and i need my daily dose of angst

what are the most angstiest hcs you have for the choi twins? like genuinely heartbreaking ones

TW; Eating Problems, Emetophobia, Body Insecurity, Survivor's Guilt, Life Attempt / The Explosion, and the expected past-abuse warning for the Choi twins.

Ray physically recoils and sobs whenever his red roots start to come back in. A part of him is happy to see it because he thinks he may be able to have his original hair back someday, someday when all of the things his Savior told him are in the past and it's revealed that all of it had been a misunderstanding. He wants to believe that he'll be happy with Saeyoung again.

It's an overwhelming moment, but it's over just as soon as his fingers touch the vibrant red.

It burns.

It burns like he's been sent to Hell, and he screams. "Not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair!" Images of lies burn through his mind as the worst of the worst begins to settle in. Every vicious lie Rika told him tangled in with the images he's seen of his brother in the RFA, laughing, having fun, and living a life without him that he promised he'd never lead on his own.

Ray was abandoned, forgotten, and left behind.

This red is wrong.

This face is wrong.

These eyes are wrong.

This body is wrong, wrong, wrong—

The bleach burns his scalp before he has time to process what he's doing. He doesn't care how he removes the color, just that the color is removed as soon as possible, and that's why there's traces of pink in his hair... it's not intentional. It's what he misses every time he tries to stripe the color from his head. He always misses a few spots, and it's a damn wonder his hair doesn't look more patchy, but frying the color out of his scalp makes the bad feeling go away.

Until it comes back, of course.

Suit Saeran makes the sweetest of desserts. He makes them so he can stare at them just like he did in his childhood memories. The cake you saw in the dead of night when he mocked you? That cake is what his Mother used to make a mockery of him when he was hungry and all he had to eat was old slices of white bread. He hates white bread... he hates it so much because it tastes like the driest crumbs he had to eat to survive alongside Saeyoung.

You want to know the worst thing about salivating at a treat you're not allowed to have? You want it. You still want it even though you've been told you'll never be able to have what you want. You want it so bad that you'll run over every scenario in your mind to find a way to eat the smallest dollop and not get in trouble for it.

If you've spent a long time staring at something, you've imagined every scenario in the book to get into your clutches... and do you want to know the worst thing about those treats Saeran made to "taunt" you? He didn't eat them, either. He didn't eat the sweetest strawberry cake... he couldn't. Because, he remembers what it felt like to have food after denied for a few days after being brought to Mint Eye.

...And when he stopped screaming, they brought him food... and in that variety of food was a meal that anyone who was starving out of their mind could only dream of. You know what happened the exact second he took a bite of the sweetest thing on the place? It... tasted wrong. Every time he makes this particular treat, it tastes like poison. So, not only was he tormenting you, he was tormenting himself, that cake ended up on the floor because it tasted WRONG.

WRONG WRONG WRONG.

MINT EYE IS WRONG.

WRONG WRONG WRONG.

VAE Ray spent a few days in the rubble. It's a wonder he was able to survive in the first place. Jihyun had an operation to save his life from the elixir AND the stab wound. He was in the hospital for at least two to three days, and the only person who could've found him happens to be the same person who brings him out of the country to heal and recuperate for two and half years.

Can you imagine what it felt like to be in the rubble of a building you intentionally destroyed? To lay there for hours as the ash, soot, and God knows what else floated in the air all around you? To know that you can't do anything right, that you can't DIE RIGHT, and all of the people who promised they'd never leave you—left you?

To be unable to scream out for help because your lungs feel charred, to be unable to move because your entire body has been scorched from one side to the other? What was the meaning of your life? All you can do is lay there in the rubble, sobbing, because you can't get up, and every time you fade in and out of consciousness, you think it might be for the last time and maybe you'll be at peace next time and not wake up.

Or, maybe you are dead and this is just the hell you deserve to be in because you were never good enough for heaven, that's what you feel the longer you stay there... and you know the worst part? When Ray is found by Jihyun, it's not relief he feels, it's anger and fear, because he thinks Jihyun was sent there to mock him, bringing him false hope to believe he wasn't abandoned, but also fear, because part of him really didn't want to die but he saw no other option.

And underneath all of that?

Relief that feels like delusion because someone came back for him but it feels like it's too late to save his life.

SE Saeran doesn't sleep well at night. He lashes out, he kicks, and he screams. He has night terrors about Mint Eye. He has nightmares all about that place no matter how far away he is from that building and what it did to him. He has episodes where he wakes up and thinks he is back in his office, trembling, shaking, and his body pushes him to look for his desk to start working as soon as possible because he isn't in the mood to be punished again.

Nothing can stop these episodes, and while he is getting therapy and doing better during the daytime, nothing stops his nightmares, and it does keep him from sleeping with his possible partner. He has to stay in his own bed, possibly even his own room, while you video call each other from other sides of the house, and as painful as that is, it helps him feel safer than he would if he were to hurt you during one of the episodes.

God, you want to know the worst ones?

It's when he wakes up, screaming, and he has no choice but to sprint into the bathroom his brother built into his room to help him feel way more in control over his environment. He's sick, and once he's able to pull himself away from the toilet, he spends the next half-hour trying to burn his hands to remove the sticky feeling of V's blood from both of his hands.

He's trying to remove the feeling of Saeyoung's blood away from his hands, too. He has flashbacks about that day all the time, thinking his brother is dead and V is dead and it's all his fault and he needs to get rid of the blood because it feels wrong, and he's wrong, and he's just a PAWN WHO NEVER MATTERED BECAUSE—

RIKA SAID SHE WANTED HIS BROTHER. NOT HIM. SHE WANTED TO USE SAEYOUNG. NOT HIM. "USE" HIM. IT WAS NEVER REAL. IT WAS A LIE.

ALL A LIE.

Saeyoung can't stop looking over his shoulders no matter where he is. He can't stop looking. It doesn't matte where he is. He has to have a full view of the room he's in, and that means he spends his time on his phone looking for camera feeds and other means to control what he can in his environment. It's nice when he's in his bunker because he has a defense system and cameras all over the place. He's ready for war if it comes to that.

But, it's a horrible way to live your life, isn't it?

To be afraid and know that this paranoia you experience isn't just some fear you have that has nothing to warrant. His paranoia has a reason to exist and it doesn't matter when the party's over and his Father is out of the picture. He pissed off a lot of people during his years in the agency, and until all of those people are out of the way, he can't stop being afraid of losing his life, or being the reason why his loved ones lose their.

He has nightmares, too.

He wakes up in the dead of night, searching for the modified tablet on his bedside table, and he can't breathe until he checks the feed to make sure that nobody's come in or out of the house. Saeran doesn't mess with the system. In fact, SE Saeran doesn't want to touch any technology anymore, so Saeyoung never has to worry about his baby brother sneaking out or tampering with the system to leave.

But, still, he has to CHECK EVERYTHING.

Twice.

God forbid his MC left the room to get water and didn't leave him something to show they would be right now before he could check his system. I think you have to help him implement a system for his fears. He knows it can be overwhelming, he knows that most of his requests or fears come across as controlling, and God knows he is trying his best to be better about this, but... for his peace of mind, it's nice to know you left a plush or an object on your bed to say, "I'm just in the other room. Don't worry."

...He can't stop thinking about the damn near week he spent in that humid, agent-infested warehouse. His paranoia got that much worse after that experience. That's the nightmare he wakes up from most of the time if it's not about his childhood. That's what sets him off to be paranoid for the rest of the night. The fear of being cornered with not a single weapon to protect himself.

God forbid it happen to you or Saeran, too.

[starry-marshmallow]

Me choosing to call V kind and gentle in that one PM despite knowing it gets me a broken heart from Ray:

[jaeheecloset]

My sacrifice for your tainted mind and your pure heart