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journeynaut · 5 years ago

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This decade I went from being 14 to 24. From my understanding this means this decade has pretty much shaped my tastes, beliefs, and personality more than any other decade will. It’s also an important decade because at the beginning of the decade I felt like a real person, and now I feel like a ghost that occasionally almost inhabits the same space as this flesh prison.

Anyway, here’s a list of games that shaped me in reverse chronological order for maximum pretension. Spoilers and typos will be abundant.

Red Dead Redemption 2 (2018)

I like little, mostly irrelevant prepping activities in games. Currently, I’m playing Death Stranding, and my Norman Reedus always puts on a cap. Mostly to cover up his weird little pony, but also just as a thing to do to focus before a mission. Like, listening to Friends in the Armed Forces by Thursday before the helicopter lands. Like, grabbing your wallet in the morning. Or, like in Arthur Morgan’s case, putting on a bandana before being a nasty crime boy.

Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. I always play characters as good and pure as possible. But after I got done doing my good boy crimes I could always return to camp. Sure, camp was always moving as we ran, but the people were there every time. The world of RDR2 is beautiful, I think the characters were my favorite thing about this game. The entire plot was that camp, the outcasts in it, and the dreams they followed. They fused a cowboy simulator with a cult simulator. It says, don’t worry, friend - just keep going and Eden is the next job.

This is a game where you give, break, and are broken in pursuit of a lie. This is a game where your perfect life never arrives and the simple pleasures you find are taken. In the end, you only do whatever little bit of good you can, thank your horse for carrying your weight and the weight of everything you carry, and lay down to go peacefully.

Night in the Woods (2017)

This last decade took my memory from me. When I was a freshman in college taking an intro psych class, the class took a short term memory test. I got second in the whole class. Now I’m sitting here trying to remember who said what in this game. But regardless, one character says something like, “Getting older is your list of first times growing shorter while your list of never agains grows longer.” Heavily paraphrased, probably.

I think there’s a Bojack Horseman episode where he says, life is a series of closing doors, isn’t it? In our modern capitalist hell, very few don’t get trapped. This game understands that sometimes you can’t get out, and sometimes you just need to break some fluorescent bulbs at a dumpster. Or in my case, procrastinate on my life by playing this game while everything fell apart around me.

World of Warcraft: Legion (2016)

Tanking in WoW was my most fulfilling gaming experience of the decade. I wasn’t great, but I could be good occasionally. There are a few moments of genuine pride I can remember. Which, now that I think back, might be some of the last times I felt pride.

I had never played WoW or even an MMO before Legion, but everyone has to get into an MMO when they’re in college, right? So I got into it for about a year, and I played it way too much. So much so, I lost myself after I stopped, both personally and in games. It was hard for me to stick to any game for a long time after I stopped playing, and it honestly still is.

It wasn’t the tanking or the pride or the addictive design elements that kept me coming back - it was the people. This became a Return To game for me. Whether I was playing seriously or just goofing off, I would return to the trans mog shop in Stormwind. There were a few players who would gather consistently and talk between queues. I barely knew anything about these people but I spent hours there with them. There was my healer and best friend who I played with every day. There was the carpet layer from Hawaii. There was the player we always assumed was a young girl but turned out to be some rich man? And behind the anonymity of my characters I was able to comfortably interact with the regulars and the passerbys and mess with the assholes. I learned that pretending to be an actor playing someone else is the best way to talk to people.

Even though I barely knew these people they became friends in the modern way people become friends where you see them every day, but are also shocked to find out any detail of their personal lives. I often wonder what happened to all the people I played with. I never said bye to them or anything. I wasn’t planning on never playing again. One day it just happened.

I’ve often thought about playing again. When WoW Classic came out I thought about playing it. I’ve even thought about getting into FF14. But you can never go home, right? Some things that were good can’t be good again.

Inside (2016)

God, this is extremely my shit. I don’t have anything touching or personal to say about this. Every moment of this game is so tight and perfect, and the aesthetic is spot on. Run on, my child, go be one with your blob friends.

Or maybe I just like it because I too am a disgusting blob monster haunted by a dreary dilapidated landscape.

Firewatch (2016)

The plot of this game is messy overall, but I think about the character interactions all the time. This is a perfect example on how good dialogue isn’t realistic. It should be what we want reality to be. Henry and Delilah have such a believable relationship, strictly because I wanted to believe in it. I wanted to believe two people could always be so perfect and so witty.

And Firewatch just won’t let you believe in it. At the end you can beg and beg for Delilah to stay, and she won’t. The game gently pats you on the head, and says, sometimes people are too broken to be perfect with each other.

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain (2015)

The PC version lets you set custom music to play as you drop in from the helicopter for your missions. This led to me hearing the beginning to Thursday’s Friends in the Armed Forces god knows how many times. Sure, maybe a 2009 emo song blaring out of a helicopter in 1980’s Afghanistan doesn’t exactly fit, but the mood fit. And it helped set the mood for the routine of going on missions.

Routine is what this game does so well. It’s an incomplete game with a not great story, and it fails at being a good Metal Gear Solid game. But the routine and mechanics blend together to create one of the best playing action games ever made. I never got tired of walking around my base, of boarding my helicopter to go drop into the desert, of launching random animals into the air with reverse parachutes.

This game also led to me formulating my Return To/Go Out theory of games, which I believe most games fall into. An old Mario game is a great example of a Go Out game. You never return anywhere; the princess is always in another castle. The Animal Crossing games maybe exist as the perfect example of a Return To game because you never even go out anywhere. You’re always there, where you mean to be. MGSV falls mostly on the Return To side of the spectrum, as it focuses on building up and managing your base and the people on it, something I’ll always be a sucker for.

Her Story (2015)

This is one of the last games that made me feel smart. As a person who feels chronically dumb as shit, that’s pretty rare. Sure, everyone in my life, and the university I went to, and all my grades say I’m not dumb. But we know that’s just because I tricked them all, and I’m actually a complete fool. But diving into this game’s wild and twisting non-linear story made me feel like a detective.

The Witcher 3 (2015)

Move out of the way Skyrim. The Witcher 3 was actually the best fantasy game of the decade. I played through all of The Witcher 2 in preparation for 3. I became so invested and involved with this universe. I feel like I should have so much more to say about this. In what was a very turbulent year of my life, this was the perfect escape. The world, writing, and characters are all so beautifully done. The DLC provides an emotional finale for the story. I never understood Gwent? But I did everything else in this game, and I still think about escaping into it again.

Also Triss for life.

Also also god, that show sucks shit though, doesn’t it?

Life is Strange (2015)

I love everything about Life is Strange. I love the melodrama, the stilted dialogue, the songs that still make me cry. I love the weird high school that resembles no high school ever. I’m not too much of a fan about what it says about me as a person though.

See, I let the entire town die to save Chloe. The crazy part is that I didn’t even think Max and Chloe were good together. When the game gave me a chance to kiss Chloe, I didn’t take it. I thought they had been apart too long, that they had too much personal baggage, that they were going through too much. But when the moment came I couldn’t let her go. I let the entire town get blown away to save her.

Transistor (2014)

Hey, do you want a cyberpunk, post-rock fueled, murder revenge love story?

Transistor had such an impact on me that Red and the Transistor are still my phone’s wallpaper and lockscreen. It’s the game I always mean to get around to playing again, but year after year I don’t. Maybe one day I will, or maybe that’s just what I tell myself about most things in life.

Regardless, this game acts as a perfect spiritual sequel to the studio’s first game, Bastion. In Bastion, everyone wanted to live in the perfect world that had been, but was now destroyed. In Transistor, the world exists - it’s there and could theoretically become whatever people want, and yet, no one wants to live in it. You’re not even trying to save the world; you want escape as much as anyone else. You just need revenge for the small part of your personal world that has been taken.

Also, at the end you get to basically fight yourself, and I’m such a sucker for when games have you fight someone with the same powers as you.

Gone Home (2013)

I had never been in love when I played this game. I thought I had, but being a teenager is dumb and weird. Of all the first times I wish I could experience again in games, this is up there on that list. Maybe even the top. Mainly because I understand love now, and I think it would make this game hurt more.

Both times I played Gone Home I sobbed, and I’m certain if I played it again, I would sob again. This was the first game to impact me in that way. As I’ve grown more and more dead inside, as I feel less and less, I seek those experiences out. Why yes, I would like to play whatever the sad new indie game is. Why yes, I would like to listen to that song that makes me emotional over and over. That scene in a show made me cry? Yes, I will absolutely watch it again.

Gone Home, like Spec Ops, taught me so much about what games could be and do. In a decade of walking simulators, Gone Home still stands out as one of the best.

Animal Crossing: New Leaf (2013)

Animal Crossing is the best goddamn game series of all time, and this is the best one because you can stack fruit.

Hotline Miami (2012)

I have never done cocaine in the 80’s, but that’s pretty much this game, right? This murder simulator game does something to your body on like, a visceral level. Imagine it’s like your 20th attempt on a level. Your hands are shaking with adrenaline, but you have a careful plan. It immediately goes bad so you just panic and start running around knifing fools and it somehow works out anyway. That’s the thing that makes this work so well, and also the thing the devs absolutely did not understand when they made Hotline Miami 2.

You know what else makes this game great? The vibes. Miss me with your vibe checks if you’re not putting off Hotline Miami vibes. It’s the trippy and psychedelic story, it’s the way you have to walk through the bodies of everyone you just murked at the end of the level, it’s the game constantly asking if you feel good about what you’re doing. Hotline Miami and Spec Ops made me reevaluate how I thought about violence in games. Which isn’t to say I don’t play violent games, just that I think more about what the games are asking me to do.

Borderlands 2 (2012)

My experience with Borderlands was different than how most people played it. I didn’t really uh, have friends, so I played it alone. But it wasn’t an inferior experience. I got to play my haiku spouting sniper at my own pace. All the guns were mine. I could laugh at the dumb jokes as long as I wanted.

Hey wait, actually, is this game still funny? If I thought it was extremely funny originally, would it still hold up? Like, Mr. Satan being Mr. Torgue still has to be funny, right?

Anyway, most of the DLC for this game is pretty mediocre or just straight up bad, but the Tiny Tina DLC is some of the best DLC of the decade. Those madmen just made D&D in a goofy ass game where guns yell at you when you shoot them, and somehow made it an emotionally resonant end to the story.

Spec Ops: The Line (2012)

We all really missed what this game was trying to tell us, huh? It constantly asks you if you’re okay with the dehumanization of minorities and the glorification of imperialism and the military that runs rampant through games. Here we are going into 2020, and goobers are still trying to argue games don’t have politics in them. Anyway, gamers are dumb as shit, and we should have listened to Spec Ops more.

Portal 2 (2011)

This came out at the beginning of this decade, huh? Guess I gotta break out the walker and sign up for AARP. Anyway, being funny is hard. I mean, I’ve never managed to be funny so I assume it’s hard. I mean, sometimes my life is funny in a cosmically ironic way, like I’m god’s personal clown and not in on the joke.

Anyway, anyway, the puzzles are fantastic, and Portal 2 is funny as hell in a way I’m pretty sure would still hold up. The humor is definitely more overt than the original Portal, but Cave Johnson is a god tier character. I can’t remember what I did yesterday, and I still remember Cave Johnson lines from like, 8 years ago.

Minecraft (2011)

*twirls mustache* Not to sound like a hipster, but I started playing Minecraft in 2010 before release. My first world seed was the most perfect seed I ever encountered. It was a large island, the size of which, I never encountered again. Like, it was big enough that it felt like I had to branch out to explore, but also small enough that I could know it all. Playing on that island was the most pure experience I had with Minecraft, in retrospect. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I didn’t realize that actually everyone else was way better at building things and playing the game than I was.

But eventually you get bored of everything, right? So I found a server and joined the forums. Over time I grew a bit bored of the game, and eventually realized I wasn’t very good at it. But I stuck around on the forums. Like, for years. Playing on that server, even as my time actually playing lessened, and being on the forums defined my teenage years.

I had a complicated relationship with the forums and the game, though. I’m not good with people. That’s just something I’ve had to learn to accept. But I’ve actually gotten better over the years. Back during my teenage years I was awful with people. I was antisocial, standoffish, pretentious, etc. I also felt like I couldn’t get anyone to like me, which I now realize was my own fault. There was a group of players I wanted to be a part of, but also could never really break into. The game and forums became what I was experiencing and also everything I couldn’t experience. It’s what I did every day but also what I was missing out on. Even today my thoughts on Minecraft are complicated. That one song, you know the one, always makes me emotional.

I originally had a different end planned to whatever this list is. It was gonna be a pretentious ending about how a few years ago I tried to go back and play Minecraft but just couldn’t because you can never go home again. I was gonna talk about my first world seed and the optimism and exploration I experienced, and it was obviously gonna mimic my decade. Because, you know, pretentiousness. But I can’t do that now.

See, I just looked up that server, and I found out it’s still active. The website looks like when I left. The same people are in charge. It’s like a time capsule. Due to a lot of personal turmoil, I asked for a server ban and a forum ban to stop myself getting back on in January 2015. That was when my time with Minecraft came to an end. But here’s the crazy thing: a couple of weeks ago, almost 5 years after I quit, someone posted on my forum profile that they missed me. And we weren’t even close friends, I thought. I mean, no one liked me, right? And it wasn’t just this one person. Multiple people had left similar messages on my profile over the years.

Normally I don’t like when people have memories and perceptions of me. Like, hell is other people, right? But this kind of hurt my insides deep down, like nothing has in a while. I don’t quite have words for it because it’s so personally tied to how I felt about Minecraft, and thus the forums, and thus a lot of this decade. Does this mean that multiple people I’ve encountered over the decade miss me? That some amount of people greater than zero miss me not being around?

Anyway, this has gotten off track, but also maybe it hasn’t. The point I was trying to make was to make a pretentious list about how silly little things we do in our free time can affect us years later in ways we won’t realize and sometimes can’t understand.

In conclusion, games track better with the most personal moments of my decade better than almost anything. Games are great. The people who play them are often terrible. Video games forever.

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maylovexhs · 7 years ago

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A Case of Serendipity(H.S) - Chapter 9

Author’s Note:

Masterlist

A Case of Serendipity Masterlist

Bringggggg. Brinnggggg.

I heard my phone go off.

“Mmm” I hummed.

I turned around in bed, refusing to open my eyes yet.

I reached for my phone that I usually had on my left bedside table. I felt nothing there. There was only empty space. I turned back around in bed, opening my eyes slowly.

This wasn’t my room.

My room didn’t have clothes throw down onto the ground. Neither did it have a PlayStation and a small tv screen. This was Michael’s room.

My phone continued to ring. I got up from the bed, looking for the source of the ringing that now seemed as a drilling noise to me. It was coming from my bag that was on the floor. I picked it up, taking my phone out. Chloe was calling. I declined her call.

My lockscreen read 8:43. Saturday, March 3rd. Saturday. Thank god it’s Saturday. I looked down at myself. I was dressed in a long blue shirt that extended down to my mid thighs. I presumed it was Michael’s. God, I hope I wasn’t too drunk last night for him to help me change. Or worse have sex with him.

I noticed my jacket and last night’s dress laid on the bed’s edge along with my bra. I need to change and get out of here. I locked Michael’s door before changing. I was sure about to get looks from strangers on the bus thinking I was doing the walk of shame. I looked around Michael’s room for my shoes. I couldn’t find them. They probably were in the hallway. I unlocked the door, tip toeing outside the room.

Please let Anthony and Lucas be asleep still. My prayers were half answered. I walked on Michael and Lucas in the living room.

“Hey, Daph!” Lucas greeted me.

“Morning” I said back to the both of them. “I should get back home”

“That fast?” Michael asked me. “You didn’t even have breakfast yet?”

“Yeah. I don’t want Alyssa to think I’m dead or anything” I explained.

“You can call her” Lucas said. “I wanted to go out for breakfast. Lucas wants to tag along too”

“You guys don’t have to do that” I said. “I crashed by already so-“

“Daph” Lucas interrupted me. “It’s breakfast. You can’t fight over breakfast”

I couldn’t fight them. The more I gave them reasons not to, the more persuasive they were getting.

“Alright then” I said. “Where?”

*ALYSSA’S POV*

“So, when I’m gonna take you out?” Ray asked me over the phone.

I rolled my eyes at him. This is the fourth time he called me this morning asking me out and each time I said no. I was starting to think Ray was brain dead since he wasn’t getting the hint.

“Excuse me? Ray, you’re a typical fuckboy. The only thing you’re good for is sex” I pointed out to him.

“Oh come on, baby” Ray pleaded with me. “You know you wanna go out with me”

“No, I don’t” I said, starting to pick the dirt under my nails out.

“Let me show you what I have for you Alys”

“Alys?” I asked, offended. “It’s Alyssa. Always bee-“

I heard a knocking on the apartment door. Must be Alyssa. She texted she would be back soon.

“Ray, I gotta go. Daphne’s back” I hung up on the call.

I got up from the couch and walked to the door. I looked through the peephole. You got to be fucking kidding me. Why was Harry Styles standing outside my apartment door? I was going to kill Daphne if she invited him here.

I sighed, opening the door. I was not interested in talking or being in the same room as somebody like him. Daphne was naive to. I didn’t trust celebrities and how they take advantage of people.

“Hi! Yeh must be Alyssa” Harry said in a cheery voice. “We h’aven’t met yet”

“I didn’t want to” I stated, crossing my arms.

Harry obviously took offense. He stepped back.

“Oh, s’orry” He apologized. “Daph mentioned yeh as. .”

“Blunt? Pessimistic? Scary?” I asked, trying to finish his words.

“Yeah. . . Is Daphne here?” He asked me. “Chloe said she might”

“No, she isn’t” I answered. “I would understand why”

“I came to apologize” Harry explained. “Can I come in?”

Apologize? I knew he would do something wrong. Maybe I should leave him all alone so Daphne could deal with him by herself.

“You can wait in her room” I said. “I was about to leave anyways”

I walked back into the apartment, leaving the door open for Harry to come in.

“Thanks” I heard him say behind me.

I grabbed my boots, putting them on. I noticed Harry looking around the apartment. I had no idea why he had such an interest in Daphne or a place like this.

“Don’t you have a concert to do or a place to be?” I asked him.

“Not now” He answered, looking at the picture frames that showed Daphne and me. “In a week, I h’ave to”

“Does Daphne know that you have to?” I asked him, heading to the coat rack.

“No, she doesn’t” Harry answered. “I wanted to talk to her before I left”

I smirked, putting my coat on. Daphne was totally naive. I took my bag and phone before walking to the door.

“Well, good luck” I wished him, opening the door. “Lock the door behind me”

I closed the door behind me quickly, not hearing a response from Harry. Daphne needs to sort out the people in her life right away.

*HARRY’S POV*

I wasn’t going to lie. She had a small room. It’s length was bigger than its width. I was almost certain it was half the size of her apartment living room. I couldn’t complain either. I knew apartments these days were hard to come by. It seemed to me the size didn’t bother Daphne or Alyssa. If anything, by the pictures and objects they had on display made it clear they cared about personality more. I respected that.

The ukulele that stood against their living room’s wall proved they were fun loving. The amount hanging pictures of their families and friends showed how precious relationships were to them. The psychology and biography books struck that they were rich in thought. Their bedrooms exuded hidden gems of their personalities. I didn’t dare to set foot in Alyssa’s room. I was sure not following her orders of waiting in Daphne’s room would push her to be against me more. It was a risk I couldn’t take.

By the look of it at first glance, Daphne’s bedroom did seem comfortable. It was hard not to notice the bears on her bed. Each one looked a bit ruffled and worn out. If they were from childhood, I understood why she kept them. The dangling lights and paper circular added a flair to the room. The wide picture of the Beatles that sat on her headboard showed her true interest and genre of music. The CD player that sat on her bedside table along with the cds stacked next to the table on the floor proved it. CDs of Queen, Lesley Gore and Lorde were a sample of it. The tea mug that was actually contained left over hot chocolate in it sat on her table.

However, the most hidden gem of her room was the pictures that were pinned to the walls. They weren’t recent. All of them had the same two people in it; a young child and a father. I assumed they were pictures of Daphne and her father, which she never told me about before. None of the photos surpassed the younger years. The photos Daphne had of herself up of her teenage and adult years didn’t include her father in it. I wasn’t going to ask what happened between her father and her since it wasn’t my place yet I suspected something terrible happened to him.

I looked away from the photos and to the door when heard an opening of the apartment door. Daphne. It must be her. The way Alyssa acted towards me suggested it wasn’t her. It had to be Daphne.

I heard some pills rattling from afar. I was hesitant to walk out the bedroom door. I didn’t want to scare Daphne. Neither did I want to give her another reason to be upset with me. I stood still when I heard the sound of footsteps become louder. Suddenly, it stopped. The door then was opened, revealing Daphne.

I smiled. I was right. I wanted to hug her but she stepped back away from me. She looked like she seen a ghost. A look I was familiar with when fans saw me on the street. Daphne crossed her arms at me, breathing heavily.

“H . . .” She said in a shaky voice. “What are you doing here?”

*DAPHNE’S POV*

I was speechless. Harry was here. In my room. In my apartment that I didn’t give him the address or permission to come into.

I shouldn’t have came back. I shouldn’t have opened my bedroom door. I should have left when I saw the door was a creak open. I always closed my door and Alyssa would never dare to go into my bedroom as I would never dare to go in hers. I can’t believe she actually let him in. I would rather have a stranger in my room than Harry.

I stepped back from Harry. I crossed my arms

“H . . .” I said, feeling shaky. “What are you doing here?” I asked him.

“I was waiting” He said, taking a few steps closer to me. “Alyssa let me’h in”

“I could tell” I said. “How- how did you find me?”

“Chloe told me’h” He said, referring to my apartment address.

“Of course” I said under my breath.

I let my arms fall to my sides. The fact I was still wearing a short dress from last night didn’t make the situation better.

Chloe had no right to give him my address. Niether did he have the right to be here, especially after what he done. Now he’s gonna apologize and act like he actually cares for me? I’m not falling for that again.

“Yeh have a nice room” Harry said. “I like the quote on the wall” He pointed to the words.

“We only breathe for so long” I stated the words from my memory. “We can’t be living for another person”

“Chloe told me’h what happened at the party too” He said. “I wanted to apologize”

“Don’t” I protested, stepping back. “I don’t and can’t believe anything from you right now”

Harry looked down at his shoes. He walked over to my bed and sat down on the edge of it.

“Can yeh listen then?” He asked, looking to me. “Doesn’t feel right not to”

My head told me not to. My instincts differed. Overall, I wanted to get rid of him and if I had to listen to him, I guessed had to.

I walked over and sat on the bed next to Harry. I moved a bit further away from him. I looked down at my shoes, refusing to give him any attention as he began to speak. I could feel his eyes on me.

“Jeff thou’ght it was a good idea if we didn’t use someone like me’h for a stunt” Harry started to say.

“Someone famous?” I asked, still not looking at him.

“Yeah” Harry said.

“So, you thought . . .” I took a pause before I speaking again. “That someone who’s known for being charitable and kind would help your reputation”

“I didn’t want to-“

“Until Jeff convinced you?” I asked, cutting him off as I raised my head up to him.

His eyes met mine. His green ones were full of sympathy. Mines were of rage and hurt.

“It didn’t seem Jeff convinced you” I stated. “It seemed like you both don’t have any morals”

“Daph,” Harry called me.

“Don’t call me Daph!” I said standing up from my bed. “People who are my friends call me Daph. What you did does not make you a friend. It makes you a coward and manipulative. Fake!”

Harry remained silent. I wasn’t shocked. Someone who hated not being liked sure didn’t like confrontation either. I blamed myself more than him. He was living in his own bubble in his world. He had become immune to his world. Completely immune that he no longer was aware of the consequences his world had on ordinary people like me.

“It’s my fault really” I said. “I chose to believe you when I knew where you came from. Everyone was right. All people ever do like you is lie. Lie to strangers. Lie to your friends. Family. To yourself”

After a moment, Harry stood up from my bed. He took one single step towards me before speaking. I didn’t move a flinch.

“’M not like those people” Harry said. “Daphne, pl’ease”

“I can’t believe that” I said. “Please. Just get out”

I left my bedroom and walked toward the apartment door. I heard Harry’s footsteps behind me. I opened the door for him to leave.

Harry was about to step out of my apartment when he turned his head to me. If he thought giving me sad guilty eyes would grant him forgiveness from me, he was wrong.

“I’ll miss yeh” Harry told me.

I looked down, nodding.

“Just leave please” I said. “I can’t handle another lie from you”

Harry nodded before stepping out of my apartment. I closed the door and locked it. I took a deep sigh.

I need to stop going to that cafe. I never want to see him again.

“I’ll see you outside?” Michael asked me.

“Yeah” I said to him.

He kissed my forehead before leaving me alone in the cubicles. I put on my spring jacket and carried my bag. I began to walk out the building but stopped once I heard someone call my name.

“Daphne?” I heard a woman’s voice call me.

I looked to a brunette. She had an slight blonde streaks at the end of her hair. Her blue eyes were immediately noticeable.

“Yeah?” I asked her. “Who are you?”

“I’m Glenne” She introduced herself to me. “I’m a friend of Harry”

I squinted my eyes at her. If she was Harry’s friend, I didn’t want to get involved with her.

“A friend of Harry?” I asked her, being suspicious. “I’m not a friend of him anymore. So, please leave me alone.”

I turned away from her and started to walk away.

“He wanted me to give you this” She said. “It’s an explanation”

I stopped walking. I turned towards her.

An explanation? I’m pretty sure Harry understood I didn’t want any explanation from him after I threw him out of my apartment.

“What did you say?” I asked, walking up to her.

“He just told me to give it. It looks like one of the pages of his journal” Glenne said, holding a few papers in her hand.

“Journal?” I asked her.

Harry told me he had a journal. He also told me it was one of his prized possessions.

“Yeah. He’s a very private guy” Glenne said. “He asked that I would give it to you before he left for tour”

“He’s leaving?” I asked her.

Harry didn’t mentioned he was leaving or that he had a tour to go on.

“Yeah. Here” She said holding out the papers for me to take.

I was hesitant to take it first, since I didn’t want to hear from Harry at all. Yet, my intuition told me to.

I took the papers from her, looking down at the papers. Glenne wasn’t joking. It was Harry’s handwriting for sure. I remember his handwriting from the card he sent me with the flowers from weeks ago. He actually wrote an explanation for me.

“You sound special to him” Glenne said. “He never lets anyone read his journal”

“Thanks” I said, despite not knowing if that was a compliment or not.

“Welcome” She said. “I have to go. I hope I’ll see you again. Bye”

Glenne walked away, leaving. I stared at the papers, debating if I should read them or not. Harry really didn’t explain much to me when he came to my apartment and I still had questions. I could read it quickly. I’m sure Michael wouldn’t mind waiting a few minutes for me. I sat down in the office’s lounge. I began to read the papers.

Feb 6th 2018

I think I just became best friends with Daphne. The coffee shop girl.

The coffee shop girl. I wondered if he called me that when I didn’t give out my name to him in the beginning. It’s cute nickname I’ll have to admit.

I continued to read.

I think she knows who I completely am already. I know it’s impossible. I don’t know who I myself am. I feel like she understands me though. It takes a long time to feel like someone genuinely understands me and those who do are my best friends. Aside from the coffee shop, I’ve been out with Daphne about three times by now. Jeff said I shouldn’t trust her but I think she’s worthy of my trust. She may come off a bit silly and strange at first but she’s more than that. She’s down to earth. Curious. Strong willed. Honest. Tactful. Optimistic of everyone. She’s considerate. Resolute. I can say being with her I feel safe. I feel complete with her. Something I always craved. Feeling complete.

I think she knows that I have the need to feel complete. She pointed to it today. She said I change and act like a different person to get people to like me. I have to admit, I do that sometimes. I’m a performer. It’s hard not to be a people pleaser. She claims that’s it’s a cover. An ironic disguise, I remember her saying. She thinks I’m actually dependent and needy of others in my life. That I attach self worth to who I surround myself with. I wouldn’t say she’s right but she definitely hits some spots with my personality.

I smirked. Basic psychology, I thought.

However, what she thought all about it made her more intriguing and interesting to me. She believes it’s cute how I act. That it isn’t a bad thing of how I lived my life. She didn’t seem upset or offended either. She was poised, calm, the whole time we discussed it. She seemed to understand both sides of the life I had. The adventurous exciting worldly side to it. But also the lonely manipulative side.

I see myself as a burden to everyone I care about sometimes. I don’t feel complete unless I’m with someone which explains why I keep ending up with wrong people. Daphne was right about that part. I depend so much on others to make me feel happy about myself. That makes me selfish, does it? I end up using people and driving them away because I’m too selfish. I guess I’m as well as too obsessed with romance to wait around for the right person. I keep feeling so empty and so lost when I try to. Daphne. . .she didn’t get this right. But I still have to give it to her. I didn’t realize that part of myself until she hinted at it. I liked her anyways. Daph. I want to be friends with her, if she allows me to. I think I’ll give it time and try to wait. I’ll be with my family as I try. H.

That was it. That was everything. It wasn’t an explanation but it was something that helped me understand him. It was more of an apology letter to me of how he perceived everyone to be.

I needed to go see him. Glenne said he was going to leave for tour soon and I couldn’t be left with unanswered questions. I had to go now.

I walked out of the building and I found Michael leaning against the wall on his phone. He looked to me.

“You’re done?” Michael asked me.

“Yes” I said.

“Great. Let’s go” He said as he put his arm around my shoulder.

“I can’t” I stated as I stepped away from Michael.

“Why?” Michael asked. “Did you forget to fill out a paper?”

“No” I said. “I just remember my mom wanted me to get her something for tomorrow night” I lied to him.

“Oh, I’ll come with you” Michael offered.

“No” I objected. “I probably have to go to ten different stores to find it and I don’t want to waste your time. I’ll call you later”

“Are you sure?” Michael asked me.

“Positive” I said.

I kissed him as of saying goodbye.

“I’ll FaceTime you later” I said. “Bye”

I turned away from him and started to walk towards Greenwich Street.

I may have lied to Michael. But I still had to get something. Just not for my mother.

I called Harry as I stood outside his apartment building. I hoped he would answer me. I unblocked him so the only reason he wouldn’t answer was if he was busy. I’m pretty sure him sending me the letter was a sign he still wanted to be friends with me. If he didn’t, then these flowers I had brought for him would be a waste.

My phone ringed a few times before Harry picked up. I sighed when I heard his voice.

“Daph?” I heard Harry ask me through my phone.

“H” I said. “Are you still in New York?”

I let out a breath, being relieved.

“Yeah. Did Glenne give yeh the letter?” He asked me.

“Yes. I read it” I stated. “Are you in your apartment?”

“Yeah” Harry answered.

“Can you come down then?” I asked him. “I’m standing outside needing to talk to you”

“Al’right” Harry said. “Yeh could have jus’t come up”

“Just get down here, H” I ordered him before I ended the call.

A minute later Harry came outside. He smirked being a bit confused as to why I had flowers with me.

“Are those for me’h?” Harry asked as we walked toward each other.

I blushed, smiling.

“Yeah” I said. “I know they’re not the same ones you got me but . . . I needed to”

Harry blushed and smiled at me.

“I read the letter and it wasn’t really an explanation” I said.

“It wasn’t suppo’sed to be” Harry said, agreeing with me.

“I still have questions” I continued to speak. “I know I don’t belong in your world, but I can understand and imagine the pressure of it so . . .”

Harry smiled at me like I never seen him smile before. His nose crinkled up a little and his dimples were on full display.

“Where do you want to start?” Harry asked me.

“The beginning” I said. “Please”

“C’mon” Harry said, putting his arm around my shoulder.

I gave him the flowers as we walked into his building. I could feel the doorman glare at me as Harry and I walked to the elevator. I knew I was going to receive more glares like that. I knew I was going to receive worse that that. Death threats. Loss of privacy. Loss of friends. Yet somehow I felt prepared. Safe, almost. I was entering Harry’s world and I had to be ready for the worst.

#hs fanfic #hs fanfiction #harry styles fanfiction #a case of serendipity hs #maylovexhs #harry styles fic

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