#chiyo who is already putting on her costume: when do we leave??

[tvrningout-a]

writober | day 01

does your muse celebrate halloween? do they celebrate something else in the month of october?

so!! the way i write chiyo, she can live in japan ( as i originally imagined ) or in the u.s. ( most commonly ), and regardless, the answer is yes!! while halloween is celebrated a little differently in japan, chiyo still participates in dressing up, often putting great effort into her costume, as well as her companion's ( aka whoever she convinces to walk around with her ) costume. chiyo loves the spirit of halloween, all the cheesy scares, the spooky movies, the costume parties and contests -- it's one of the few times that you'll find her jumping at the chance to participate in social gatherings.

when she was in high school and possibly college, too, chiyo always set up haunted houses for the school festivals whether they took place in october or not :' ) as an adult, she absolutely loves going to haunted houses as a guest, though it's rare that she's genuinely scared and not laughing immediately after she screams at a jump scare.

autumn festivals are common in japan during october, and chiyo is once again a fan! she enjoys festivals in general, so if they're nearby, she tries to attend them whenever they pop up. aside from that, chiyo also celebrates her birthday during this month! she typically has a special meal with her parents, grandmother, and naoki's family, but she and naoki also spend the day of her birthday goofing off at an arcade or theme park. it's a yearly tradition that's been going on since they were little!

[neiptune]

santa, boy, you're the worst

cw: 3k wc, female reader, suggestive if you squint, oliver aiku is the most infuriating idiot you know and this holiday season you unfortunately discover he just so happens to also be maddeningly soft and generous at the community centre where he volunteers as santa for children in low-income families

“Here, this is where you can get changed”, Chiyo smiles kindly as she guides you into a small room filled with dusty boxes and christmas decorations, “thank you so much for doing this, we really needed some help this year”.

“Don’t mention it, I was really hoping you’d find a spot for me”, you take off your backpack and place it on an old table, “are you absolutely sure I’m going to be fine? Eiko said I just needed a costume but I’ve never-”

“Absolutely”, she vaguely gestures with one hand, “just follow Santa’s lead. He’s the one who’s good with kids”.

“I’ll just put this on, then”, you jut your bottom lip out, still not entirely convinced. She smiles again.

“I’ll leave you to it. We’ll be in the main hall!”.

They made a new elf costume just for you. Despite Eiko having a dreadful cold being a big bummer, you’re happy a few coincidences aligned to finally allow you to make something meaningful of the time you’d usually spend home, moping underneath a billion blankets.

There are no mirrors in the room, therefore you can only hope the costume looks good enough. You feel a bit ridiculous but, apparently, the hat is mandatory.

You leave your phone in your backpack and take out all the plastic bags filled with food instead: when you called her to inquire about what you could bring, Chiyo explained that they were all set with gifts but could’ve used some additions to the buffet. You brought all the alternatives for the kids whose gluten intolerance makes it hard to enjoy yummy snacks: carrot cake, peanut butter cookies, brownies, pizza, so many quiches. The previous day was spent cooking and baking but you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

The main hall is filled with colorful christmas decorations and a table so long, filled with so much food. Chiyo spots you right away and rushes to help you carry all the bags.

“I got this, you can go help Oliver”, she efficiently starts pulling out the containers and you’re flabbergasted for a second.

“Who?”

“Santa! They already started, go, go!”, she indicates the other end of the hall, where a guy in a Santa costume sits on a chair and all around him there’s a numerous group of children on the floor, fawning over him. A giant bag filled with what you can only guess are gifts, is placed at safe distance from pouty lips and grabby hands.

You make your way to them with a big smile, only slightly tense at the corners because you only know one guy with that name but what are the chances? He’s the most insufferable person you’ve ever met. A constant flirt with anything that moves, way too confident for his own good, so unfairly attractive and quick witted. What would he even be doing here, so close to the holidays? No, it must be another Oliver.

The way Santa spots you and instantly opens his arms, warm and welcoming, tells you otherwise. Fuck. You’re now close enough to recognize eyes no one in their right mind would be able to ever forget.

“If it isn’t my favorite helper!”, his tone is jovial and deep, a perfect representation of a jolly Santa. Suddenly, so many little heads whip around to look at you.

“Hello!”, you excitedly wave, “nice to meet you, everyone!”.

“She’s not the elf from last year”, as you position yourself right behind Oliver’s chair and next to the gifts you’ll later help him distribute, a little boy furrows his brows with a slight pout. Before you can come up with something to say, Santa ho-ho-hos his way into the conversation.

“That’s exactly right, Kenji. She’s my side piece”.

You choke on your own spit. A little girl politely raises her hand and Oliver grants her permission to ask her question.

“What’s a side piece, Oli?”.

Oh, god. This is so much worse than what you could’ve anticipated.

Once more, he doesn’t allow you to reply and the grin underneath his fake beard is nothing short of infuriating.

“It’s an elf who helps when my other helpers are too busy”.

“So she’s your side elf? Is she as nice as the other?”.

He shifts in his seat and you quietly sigh, still smiling awkwardly to the children curiously checking you out, prepared for another jab.

“She’s the best”, Oliver turns to look at you with a small wink, drinking in the surprise written all over your features, “why don’t you introduce yourself, side elf? My kids are great, they’re gonna love you”.

There’s really no time to ponder over the words, how sweet they sounded. He’s only been with them for what, a few hours, and is already so protective of them? If he’s faking it, he really is one hell of an actor.

You attention soon shifts to the little, curious faces staring back at you and the thought of Oliver is pushed to the back of your mind. You’re there to make the afternoon special for those kids and you’ll give it your all, whatever it takes.

He ends up being right, they are great. So intelligent, affectionate and welcoming. You introduce yourself and it only takes a few minutes for them to accept your presence completely. There’s an odd sense of familiarity in the way they climb onto Oliver’s lap one by one, sometimes wrap their arms around his neck. They play with his silver beard as they answer questions about what they asked for christmas and he leans down to whisper secrets to their ear from time to time, to either make them laugh or put them at ease.

Some of the younger children grow restless after a while and you patiently placate small quarrels, pick up kid after kid while they wait for their turn and jokingly twirl until they’re giggling against your shoulder, the fabric of your costume squeezed by little fingers.

“Does Oli really work for Santa?”, Riko asks. She’s been in your arms for a while now and you balance her better against your chest with one arm, your other hand wrapped around Kenji’s.

“He does. We’re both in direct contact with him”, you smile.

“Do you ever go to his workshop?”.

“Sometimes we have to, yeah. Santa always gives us so many cookies and big glasses filled with milk”.

Riko hums, enraptured.

“Will I smell as good as you if I eat so many cookies and drink big glasses of milk?”.

Surprised, you fail to come up with an answer for a moment. Then you melt into a chuckle.

“But you already smell sooo good, Riko! I could eat you!”, she squeals with a laugh when you take a fake bite out of her cheek and Oliver turns to look at you both as he helps another little girl down from his knees.

“Trying to eat my kids, are you?”, he grins.

“Just this one for now”, you jokingly wink and Riko giggles once more. Kenji reclaims your attention by pulling at your hand.

“You have to do the thing”.

Lips still curled into a smile, you tilt your head to the side.

“The thing?”.

He nods, solemn.

“Oh, right”, Oliver snaps his fingers, “the thing. Let my elf go, Riko, we have to perform”.

“We have to do what now?”, as you carefully let the little girl down, Kenji slips his hand from yours.

“Santa baby”, Oliver pats his knees and, horrified, you realize it’s an invitation for you, “it’s their favorite song. We did it last year too”.

You let out a nervous laugh.

“I’m not a great performer-”

“C’mon, side elf! You gotta do it!”, Riko’s palms press to the small of your back and, as she pushes you towards an awaiting lap, you don’t have the heart to ask her to stop calling you that.

Oliver welcomes you onto his knees like you belong there, one arm instantly wrapping around your waist and the other on your thighs. He’s warm, solid underneath you. It’s the closest you’ve ever been to him and you hate that you’re suddenly tempted to pull him even closer.

“No one told me about this”, you murmur between gritted teeth, tense smile causing a low chuckle to vibrate in his chest.   

“You’ll be fine”, the hand resting on your hip gives it a light, playful squeeze, “it’s acapella, by the way. Give it your all”.

You’re still smiling but fail to entirely conceal the glare as you try to position yourself better against him. Whether he does it istinctively or not, Oliver tightens his hold around your waist.

All chatter stops and, between hushed but still excited whispers coming from the group sitting at your feet, you start humming the familiar tune.

“Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree for me. Been an awful good girl”, you briefly turn to the kids and give them an exaggerated wink that makes them laugh, “Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight!”, you twirl part of Oliver’s fake beard around your pointer finger and when you meet his gaze, it’s surprising how serious it is. Time to get up, for your own sanity.

While he is supposed to keep up the act and match both your goofy tone and exaggerated motions to make the song playful and appropriate for children, he just keeps looking back at you with something unreadable in those dangerous eyes of his.

“Think of all the fun I missed!”, you dramatically drop to your knees and grab his arm, “think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed!”, he finally seems to be shaken from his weird stupor and gasps loudly, looking back and forth between you and the giggling audience.

“Next year I could be just as good, if you check off my christmas list?”, you pout as Oliver shakes his head no, feigning disappointment. A few kids whine in fake sadness.

“I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot… right?”, you beg for their approval and it makes you chuckle that they erupt in agreeing cheers right away, “been an angel all year!”.

“Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight”, with a deep sigh, you desperately squeeze his hand for a moment before getting up once more and continuing your performance around the audience with a skip in your step, hands behind your back as you sway and twirl around them.

“Please help me ask him, everyone!”, you implore, “so hurry down the chimney tonight”. They do join you in your plea, to which Oliver audibly slaps a hand to his forehead.

“Hurry down the chimney tonight”, you slowly approach his chair once more and the playfulness in his stare seems to vanish once more, fingers twitching on knees you don’t sit on, “hurry, tonight”, with a small smile, you twirl one last time and then bow deeply as the audience immediately starts clapping at the end of your performance.

“Oli, I want a yacht”, Riko pouts and her sister next to her giggles.

“I’ll see what I can do, sweetheart”, he smiles, then looks at you once more, “wanna help me give out this year’s gifts? Maybe we’ll find a yacht somewhere”.

He doesn’t even get to finish the question: in a matter of seconds, you’re both surrounded by exuberant little kids who are way too excited to find out what Santa’s helpers have in store for them this holiday season. The youngest of the group, six year old Tsumugi, raises her little arms and Oliver bends down to pick her up, balancing her on his leg.

You didn’t think the community centre would be able to put together enough funds to get… all those presents. There are so much. Enough for each child to get three or four. Clothes, audio book players, lego sets, tablets, dolls, water marbling kits, headphones, books. An entire, separate bag is filled with signed soccer uniforms. You discreetly glance at Oliver, busy helping Hiro unwrap his third present.

You remember very few details about the blue lock project, from which some of the current top players of the globe suddenly came out years ago. You know he was part of it at some point and of course you remember his past as captain of the former U-20 team. Oliver is still one of the best known soccer players in Japan and clearly he is friends with those guys. But the fact that he went out of his way to make sure he had all those uniforms for these kids, stirs something in your chest.

As you hand out the shirts, little squeals make you smile.

“Riko, this one’s from Nagi”, the little girl practically snatches it from your hand, “wait, don’t push, there’s one for each of you! Who asked for the Kaiser one?”.

“Oli, will you keep your promise next year?”, Tsumugi, still in his lap, rests her head on his shoulder as she hugs a new teddy bear to her chest. He hums, one hand rising to boop her nose.

“You have my word, sweet girl. I told Yoichi you wanted to meet him and he was so sad he couldn’t make it today. He promised he’ll come next time”.

“Look what he sent you”, with a grin, you hand her the shirt Isagi signed for her. The way her eyes light up makes you wish for Eiko to be sick once more, the following year.

It’s the evening when parents slowly start arriving to collect their kids and thank everyone for the organization. You and Chiyo welcome them by the door and offer warm cups of tea. Those who are not in a rush are more than welcome to eat something despite the buffet having been more or less devoured by now.

As soon as you’re alone with Chiyo once more, the last remaining parents shaking hands with Oliver as they say goodbye, you deflate in a chair. Your legs hurt, you didn’t eat anything and you feel so tired but also immensely rewarded.

“It was fun, wasn’t it?”, with a smile, Chiyo pushes a water bottle towards you.

“So fun. You were right, he’s good with kids. Remembered all their names and everything”.

She chuckles.

“Well, I’d hope so. He comes every year”.

You stare back.

“Every year?”.

“Yeah, since forever. And he always gets so many extra presents for them, never accepted a single yen back”.

You sip on your water, unable to come up with something to say. Oliver Aiku, the same unbearably smug idiot who’d pissed you off endlessly each time you had the unfortunate chance of meeting him thanks to your cousin Shuto, seemed so different today. Patient, caring, attentive, fun. So generous.

You watch as parents bow to him and he bows back, ruffles their kid’s hair, laughs when Tsugumi hugs his legs. This is not good, not good at all, judging by the way your heart fumbles in your chest as he meets your gaze from across the room.

The elf costume is shoved into your backpack but the drawings and notes some of the kids made for you are placed on the table right next to it as you put on your coat. You’ll keep them in your hand, against your chest and underneath the warm fabric if you must, in case it’s still snowing outside. You’d hate for anything to happen to such precious cargo.

“You know, Riko has a point”, the gravelly voice so close to your ear makes you jump, “you really do smell good”.

“Try taking a shower”, your intention is to turn around with a scowl but the second you do, your back is pressed to the table as he leans forward and rests his palms on the rough surface. The sharp inhale you take makes him smile.

“Nah, I think it’s really just you”.

You stare back for a moment, then clear your throat, trying your best to not appear intimidated.

“Who knew you were so good with kids. They love you”.

Oliver pulls back, leaving you enough space to put a safe distance between your bodies.

“Well, who knew you were such a great cook. How long did it take to make all that food?”.

Much to your irritation, a smile threatens to appear on your lips. He deflects when complimented? Fuck. Off.

Your mind traces back to how protective he was of them. My kids. It’s sickening, really.

“You didn’t eat anything all day”, the softer tone catches him off guard for just a second, “take some leftovers”.

Oliver hums, something flashing across his features so quickly you may have imagined it. Then, he starts unbuttoning the red velvet jacket he’s still in.

“Don’t be so thoughtful, it’ll make me hard”.

Astonished, you look at him.

“What are you doing?”

He discards the jacket with a grin, hat and fake beard already discarded before entering the changing room.

“You didn’t think I’d leave in this, right?”.

“You could’ve waited until I left the room”.

Oliver rubs his chin in exasperating, fake pensiveness.

“Yeah, I could’ve”, his signature smirk makes you want to punch him in his handsome face, “but there’s this girl I like. Maybe if I impress her, she’ll finally give me a chance”.

You chalk the heat rising to your cheeks up to the thermostat temperature being too high. When you murmur a confused, hasty goodbye and attempt to make your leave, drawings safely tucked underneath one arm, Oliver gently wraps a hand around your wrist.

“It’s snowing. Let me give you a ride”, the way his thumb tentatively grazes the sliver of skin underneath your sleeve makes you shudder. He does it again, intentional, serious eyes boring into yours to make sure he's not crossing a boundary. Your mouth feels dry.

“Wait for me?”, Oliver offers, gentle. There’s no trace of his previous teasing and you’re painfully aware of how long the silence is stretching for, a weird vibration to the moment laced in your aching hesitation.

Another beat passes before you relax under his touch.

“I’ll be outside”.

[astraymetronome]

The First Accidents

So this is the first part of my Mha/Bnha Au i’m gonna just call Shrinkable Au, basically this is when Deku’s new quirk first develops and a bit of shenanigans that ensued. 

Characters: Izuku Midoriya, Jirou Kyoka, Shota Aizawa/Eraserhead, Chiyo Shuzenji/Recovery Girl, and Denki Kaminari

Warnings: Panic, g/t, and Superpowers, who know what people hate these days.

Word Count: 2347

Considering how often he’s been in strange situations, this is the weirdest yet. All Midoriya had been doing was going on a Practice patrol around the given area with Jiro as his partner when something startled him. He remembers this feeling of needing to hide away from it and when his eyes opened, everything was huge. 

He immediately yelped as the ground shook around him causing the already confused boy to become more dizzy before a loud voice interrupted his questioning.

“Ah! Deku what?!” He covered his ears quickly, it was way too loud! Izuku looked up to see his classmate towering over him, his heart dropping into his stomach at the sight. He felt as if he should run away, do anything to get this new Giant Jiro away from him.

“Oh, sorry I was too loud?” She asked, her voice much more quiet compared to her from earlier. He nodded and began to shake as her hands got closer to him

“Jiro! D-don’t touch me right now!” Midoriya yelled out to her as he started to hug himself. She looked down at him with a sad look before sighing. 

“We're in the middle of a sidewalk, if someone comes by they will question this. It’s best if we head back to the school.. How did this even happen?” As much as he didn’t want to agree, she was right. Him being this small meant he wasn’t safe at all. 

He moved closer to her still shaking as his classmate gently put her hand behind him, scooping him into her palm suddenly causing him to squeak in surprise. He managed to sit up his feet dangling off the edge of her hand. Midoriya immediately turned around and noticed her thumb he scrambled over in a bit of a crawl holding on tightly to it, his legs still slightly dangling off.

This simple encounter between the two of them helped him get an idea of just how small he was, he was around the size of her hand so not the biggest but compared to a normal person it was a significant difference. 

“So.. Midoriya.. What caused this?” She asked as he looked up at her still clinging to her thumb. 

“I-I don’t know Jiro, all I know is I heard that loud thud and then poof! I’m on the floor and the size of a hand!” He called out to her needing to raise his voice a little. He will admit her hands were really warm and it gave him a sense of security but it was quickly swept away by the remembrance of the size difference. 

“I didn’t see anyone who seemed to be suspicious? Did you see anyone?” She asked him, Izuku took a deep breath and shook his head when nothing came to mind. 

“No one that I remember.” He told her as she moved down the road getting ever so closer to the school. His fear was starting to bubble up and rise up over his limits. He hugged her thumb tighter as she got to the gate of campus. 

“J-jiro!” He yelled out her head immediately turning to face him. Once he received his attention he made eye contact with her and responded, “Can we go straight for Mr. Aizawa, I don’t wanna be seen by anyone.” He whispered his face red with embarrassment. The girl nodded in response and cupped him in both of her hands getting a quiet squeak from the boy.

He couldn’t see anything at this point but he could hear people talking even a few questions about why her hands were cupped and where he was. She would say something simple before continuing on her way and walking to find their sensei. 

“Mr. Aizawa!” Jiro’s voice cut through the muffled sounds as she stopped in front of who he could only guess to be his teacher. He felt her move her hands. 

“Something happened to Midoriya.” she said in a very calm tone as he moved around in her hands it was getting rather warm due to her body heat in addition to the warm weather. 

Her hands parted, revealing the small and clearly uncomfortable Midoriya that had been hidden in her hands. He immediately started to look around sighing with relief when he noticed the lack of other people, it was just the three of them.

“What in the world happened to you, Problem Child?” Mr. Aizawa’s voice stole away his attention as he turned to him. Looking up at his teacher, Izuku gave a very little wave as he moved to try and stand up in Jiro’s palm, falling miserably as he slipped and had to grab onto her thumb in order not to fall off.

“We don’t know Sir-!” He yelped as he caught himself returning his gaze to the tall man. He held onto Jiro tightly as she used her other hand to block him from falling. Once he was resettled he continued, “We were walking, heard a noise, and then I was small!” 

Izuku watched as his sensei took a moment to think and gave a sigh, “Well Midoriya, did you notice-” Jiro was quick to cut him off.

“We didn’t see anyone Sir, that was the first thing I asked him.. Well, other than if he was okay.” She told him as Mr. Aizawa nodded and he seemed to understand to a point.

“Alright, well… this is such a random quirk effect, we don’t have a policy for what to do when a student is shrunken.” Izuku bit his lip clearly thinking about something as he looked up at his teacher.

“Sensei, I have an idea.” He said looking up at his teacher and straightening up it clear he’s more comfortable with his size.

“What is it Midoryia?” Said student smiled a little as he looked up at Jiro. 

“Can you put me down?” He asked her, she nodded in response and slid him onto the ground, the two of them squatting down next to him. Izuku sat down as well and looked up at them. “Sir, I want you to use your quirk on me.” He said very abruptly. 

Mr. Aizawa seemed very confused as he looked down at the small boy. “Alright, I see how that will help you but I have no reason to disagree.” His teacher used his eye drops before looking down at the boy. Once activated his quirk seened to cancel whatever it was because Midoriya was suddenly his normal height again.

They both looked shocked as the previously shrunken boy sighed with relief. “Okay… Thank you sir.” Izuku ran his fingers through his hair as the group all stood up.

“Considering my quirk worked… You somehow did this to yourself.” Mr. Aizawa seemed as surprised as he did. He looked down at his hands and then back up at his teacher.

“I-I don’t know how! My quirk isn’t like that.” He said waving his hands around quickly as he dismissed the thought. He stood up rather straight before his teacher gave a sigh.

“Midoriya, do you think you can control it? We have all the reasons to believe you are the cause.” Eraserhead put his hand on the short boy's head as he looked up at him. 

“All due respect Mr. Aizawa, I have absolutely no idea.” He said with a sigh as Jiro crossed her arms over her chest.

“Am I allowed to leave? I have a feeling I'm no longer needed.” She asked as the teacher nodded dismissing her.

Before she could leave Midoriya grabbed her wrist, “Please don’t say anything about this, not until we understand it.” He asked her, the girl replying with a nod as she walked away.

“Alright Midoriya, we are gonna go see Recovery girl, you look a little pale and I honestly want to know what happened.” Mr. Aizawa gave an obvious sigh as he started to move in the direction of the old woman's office. Izuku followed suit as the two of them moved.

“What is it this time Eraser?” The woman asked as she spun around in her chair, the moment she made eye contact with the short green haired boy next to him it made it rather clear he was involved. “What did Midoryia do this time?” 

Izuku flinched from the question feeling extremely embarrassed, “Something-” He started before being cut off by his teacher.

“I believe Midoriya shrunk himself with his quirk.” Mr. Aizawa was so forward with the situation it honestly made the younger boy feel self conscious about his own abilities. 

Recovery girl seemed rather surprised, she knew everything about Midoryia’s quirk so her being surprised by this made it seem rather off. “That’s new.. How can you be so sure it was him?” She asked as she got out of her chair, walked over to the boy, and pulled him out of the doorway.

“Yeah, I used Eraser on him and he returned to normal.” The tall man replied as she pushed Izuku onto a hospital bed and made him sit still as she started to look the boy over. 

“I guess you just developed a new quirk.” Recovery Girl told the two of them as she handed Izuku a cup of water. He told her a thank you before he drank everything that was in the cup.

Mr. Aizawa and the lady went and stood closer to the door to talk as he put the empty cup down on the counter. He went ahead and took off his hero costumes gloves; it was way too hot to be wearing so many layers. 

He gently wrapped them up and threw them over his shoulder as he picked the cup back up to fill it with water again. Instead the cup practically disappeared, turning so small in his palm.

“Miss?” Midoriya called out as he turned to face the two. They looked at each other then at him noticing he was holding something up. “I think I shrunk the cup..” 

The two teacher’s looked a little shocked as he put the small and barely noticeable thing on the counter. He held his hands together tucking them into his chest, afraid to touch anything. Mr. Aizawa walked over to the short boy and was quick to gesture for his hands.

He held them closer to himself before putting his hands out with his palms up. Mr. Aizawa reached over to grab anything from behind him and put a book on them. It took not even a couple seconds for the object to go from normal to a smaller version in his hand.

“I-I can’t control it sir.” He said looking up at the man as he removed the small book from his hands. Izuku placed it on the nearby desk as Recovery girl started to dig through things. The black haired man seemed lost as he looked at the woman. 

“Alright Midoriya, it probably works like Uraraka and Shigaraki’s quirk, my guess of anything that touches all five of your fingertips will shrink. Here,” She handed him a napkin, “Hold this with four or so of your fingers.” He nodded in response and held it with two fingers, the result being as hypothesized. 

A smile of relief spread across his face as he smiled in response. She then nodded and grabbed his wrist holding his hand out as she slid an anti-fouling glove, artist glove, over his hand and quickly doing the same to the other. He looked at the strange fabrics that covered only two of his fingers before gasping and getting her reason. 

“This makes it impossible for me to touch anything with all my fingertips!” He said his eyes shining with the revelation moving his hands around with the glee of a small child earning a small smile from the other male in the room.

“You can use these until we get that quirk under control. Considering you didn’t shrink your gloves, I don’t think you can shrink something that is around a form, for example clothes or plastic wrap around a package.” She said as she ruffled the small boy's curly green hair. 

“I will try to help you control it better, Problem Child.” Mr. Aizawa said as he took the other pair of gloves off Izuku’s shoulder. “For now keep those on, go get changed, you look exhausted.” 

In all forms of honesty he was tired using this new quirk of his really zapped his energy he nodded in response before heading to go do as he was told.

Izuku was sitting down on the couch in the common room as he started to scroll through his phone before he felt two hands on his shoulders so suddenly and made him gasp and jump before the hands disappeared off of him. He turned his head around to see anyone but no one was there, he did feel something on the back of his head. It took a second before put his hand behind his head gently gripping the thing before he pulled it in front of him making eye contact with the small person in his hands. 

“Midoriya! W-what happened to me!?” A voice yelled out as he gasped and used two shaking hands to hold the boy.

“Kaminari! I-i didn’t mean too!” He responded keeping his voice quiet knowing how much loud sounds hurt when at the small size. 

The electric student sat up quickly looking at his small size, he appeared to be around the size of Midoriya’s hand just like he had been when he shrunk.

“I-i developed a new quirk that allows me to shrink things and I can’t really control it yet please don’t be-” Like the drop of a hat Izuku entered a muttering fit that Denki wasn’t in the mood for. 

“Change me back!” He yelled making the now larger boy flinch, he nodded as he shook quickly standing up as he held the yellow haired teen in both of his hands mimicking the actions of Jiro from earlier. What in the world was he gonna tell Aizawa?

There you go, I hope you enjoyed the first bit of this Au! It definitely could have a netter plot and be written in a more flowy way but this is what we get you boys, gals, and non-binary palls. Did I quote Thomas Sanders? Yes, yes I did.

[five-rivers]

Long Night in the Valley Chapter 2

“You shouldn’t be here.”

Everyone turned to see Midoriya standing on the stairs to the beach, looking down at them.  None of them, least of all Shouto, had ever seen that expression on his face before. That… flatness that almost rivaled his own.  

Uraraka took a step forward.  “Deku?” she asked, uncertainly.  Suzuki, the commission instructor, threw his arm in front of her, blocking her path.  

“Whatever that is,” he said, voice strained and low-pitched, “it isn’t Midoriya Izuku.  Saito’s quirk doesn’t allow for the subject to have an avatar in the dreamscape without a lot of practice.  There’s another quirk at work here.”

“You need to leave,” said Midoriya, descending a single step.  “Now.”

“It could be a result of his own quirk,” said Aizawa, who nonetheless had a hand on his capture weapon.  “He’s had odd reactions to mental quirks in the past.  Jumping to conclusions is illogical.”

“We have evidence Midoriya Izuku is working for the League of Villains,” said Suzuki, backing away from the stairs, slightly.  “By the rules laid out in the standard—”

Shouto tuned Suzuki out, by now quite convinced that the man had nothing particularly meaningful to say, in favor of examining Midoriya.  

It was Midoriya.  Just, a Midoriya that was annoyed, defensive, and maybe a little offended with just a touch of something else.  Which was a weird combination on Midoriya.  Especially as muted as it was. Midoriya’s expressions, no matter what they were, were always so big.  

“—I am recruiting you to aid this investigation and determine the League of Villain’s plans!”

“If you don’t leave, I’ll make you leave,” growled Midoriya.  

Wow, for someone who was the embodiment of sunshine, he could be really threatening.  Then again, sunburns were a thing, so maybe it wasn’t too surprising.  

“You’re here against my will, after coercing me into allowing a quirk to be used on me.  I want you out.”

“Eraserhead, I suggest you restrain this projection, whoever it belongs to.”

“I’m not going to warn you again,” continued Midoriya.

“I suggest,” said Aizawa, “that you listen to him.  We can ask Midoriya about this when we’re all awake and not in his head.  Like you should have done in the beginning.”

Midoriya tilted his head slightly to one side.  

“I agree!  This is very unethical,” said Iida, chopping at the air.  “This is basically an interrogation, and Midoriya is a minor! You need parental permission!”

“Which, before you start talking about him willingly participating in this course,” said Aizawa, “he has explicitly withdrawn. Not to mention his mother signed those opt-out forms, so her permission is withdrawn as well.”

“You can’t be serious—”

“I am,” said Aizawa.  “Take us out.  This whole thing is illogical.”

“I can’t,” said Suzuki.  “Saito is the only one who can shut down her quirk prematurely.”

“What?” said Uraraka.  “There’s no way for you to contact her in an emergency?  That’s really dangerous!”

“That’s not what Saito Yume said, either,” said Midoriya, flatly. “’The dream state persists until either I release it, the people involved break free, or eight hours pass.’ Implying that there’s another way to break free.  One that you, by necessity, must know.  So, leave. Or I’m going to start to defend myself.”

Suzuki took a deep breath.  “I am here,” he said, “to complete a mission given to me from the Hero Commission.  Your refusal to comply with the terms set out in your licensing agreements will be noted.”

Midoriya brought his head up straight again and squared his shoulders.  His hands clenched.  He was wearing gloves, Shouto noticed.  Not the gloves that went with his hero costume, but work gloves.  He’d seen the landscapers who worked at his family home wear something similar.  

Why?

“Fine,” said Izuku.  “Then I’m going to kick you out.”

“That’s impossible, you—”

“I know this beach very well.”

Abruptly, the pristine white sand was covered in towers of trash, separating Shouto from the others.  Suzuki’s insistence that Midoriya was a spy had already had him on edge.  This put him fully into battle-mode.  

He dropped into battle stance, and carefully froze one of the trash piles in front of him, making an icy stair to the top.  His first priority was to find Aizawa and his classmates and regroup.  To do that, he had to get a better vantage point.  

He jogged up the stairs, noting, absently, that he was now in his hero suit, not his school uniform.  What had he been wearing before this turned into a fight?  He hadn’t particularly noticed.  

He reached the top just in time to see Midoriya bludgeon Suzuki with a piece of rusty rebar.

Alright.  Maybe that wasn’t Midoriya.

.

Aizawa wasn’t fast enough getting around the piles of trash. He would have tried to scale them, but there was no safe place for him to grab on to.  The piles were simply too unstable, too untrustworthy, too poorly shaped.

He arrived just in time to see Midoriya, or what looked like Midoriya, impale Suzuki with a pole.  

Before his mind could fully process the problem child attempting what looked a whole lot like murder, he had him wrapped in his capture weapon.

Midoriya had the gall to look confused, if only slightly.

“Todoroki,” Aizawa barked, spotting his other student on top of one of the horribly dangerous trash mounds.  “First aid, stat.”

“Yes, sir,” said Todoroki, making an ice ramp to glide down.

“Midoriya,” he said.  “What was that?”  Perhaps it was illogical to ask, but he still couldn’t quite believe his eyes.  

“I was testing to see if he’d wake up and go away if he got knocked out,” said Midoriya.  He made a tiny, not-quite-shrugging motion.  “This is just a dream, after all.”

Alright.  That was true, but it was still incredibly disconcerting to see Midoriya act so callously towards the life of another human being.  Although he was unsure how many times Midoriya had hit Suzuki, and certain places of impact were less lethal than others, blunt force trauma, especially to the back of the head, could still be deadly.  

There was the sharp report of a gun, and Midoriya jerked forward, blood leaking from some invisible wound to drip down his face. Then he vanished.  

He turned towards that utter bastard Suzuki, eyes blazing, only to find him entirely encased in a glacier except for his head.

While Aizawa had been trying to train Todoroki out of reflexively encasing human beings in ice, due to frostbite, hypothermia, and other potential health issues, he was willing to let it slide.  Just this once.  

“I told you,” said Suzuki, teeth chattering.  “That isn’t your student.  And even if it was, he’s a traitor.”

“Sensei,” said Todoroki, “what are we going to do?”

“First,” said Aizawa.  He didn’t get beyond that, because Uraraka was abruptly launched from behind a wall of trash, trailing a makeshift tether of salvaged bungee cords.

“Found them!” exclaimed Uraraka.  “I don’t see Deku, though!”

“First,” said Aizawa, feeling exhausted despite technically being asleep, “we regroup.”

.

Toshinori was supposed to be teaching a third-year heroics course.

He wanted to be with Izuku at the Hero Commission training, even if he was retired, with only a retiree license to his name.  

He was in the nurse’s office, getting his brain checked by Recovery Girl, because sudden debilitating headaches weren’t on the long, long list of symptoms he’d come to expect from his injuries and medications.

Chiyo was worried he might be having a stroke, an aneurism, or some other sudden, lethal, brain condition.  She’d used her quirk on him at once, and the pain hadn’t stopped. She’d said that, at least, it should stop an aneurism from getting worse.  

Toshinori hoped it wasn’t brain cancer.  As far as personal abilities went, all he had going for him right now was brainpower and a stupidly high pain tolerance.

He closed his eyes against the bright lights of the room. Everything seemed too bright and blurry.  Sounds warped oddly in his ears.  The fabric of the bed underneath him felt gritty against his fingertips.  

It was like he wasn’t entirely here.  

Oh, the joys of hallucinations.

(Something like urgency pushed against the back of his mind. Whispered Eight, and help, and Nine.)

(Something was going more wrong than usual.)

He waited for Chiyo to step out of the room before he snuck out.

.

Izuku emerged from sleep with a choked gasp, heart racing, head spinning.  Where-?

It took him several fraught minutes to get his breathing under control and recognize where he was.  The room for the Hero Commission course.  His classmates and teacher were sleeping next to him, as well as the commission instructor.  What had his name been?  Something with an S?

Thinking was hard.  It was like his brain was occupied with something else and he kept having to nudge it back on track.  It was like—

He shook his head, which pounded with the movement, distracting him further.  He—He should—

What?

An odd sensation overtook him, and he found himself slowly, cautiously standing up.  It wasn’t like Shinsou’s quirk, where his body was out of his control, but more like he was almost sharing control, somehow.  Like he could, at any point, take control back.  And he did, just to test the theory, stopping for a moment, his hand halfway to his backpack.  

But that was hard, and he really wasn’t up for much in the way of decision-making, and the others were quite adamant that he had to get out now.  They’d know.  He trusted them.  

They picked up the backpack.  

Eight was coming.  They could trust Eight.  

The door slammed open.  Izuku froze.  Several heroes in costume and a man with a suit and a commission nametag stood in the doorway.  

“Get him!”

Four moved so differently from Izuku.  Precisely, like he knew exactly how his opponents were going to act, where they were going to be.  It reminded Izuku of how Sir Nighteye moved.  

In seconds, they were in the main hall, sprinting past crowds with the help of One for All.  Izuku felt bad about leaving Aizawa and his friends, but they knew, they weren’t targets. Izuku was.  

Izuku didn’t know how they knew that, how he knew that.  

Parking lot.  Streets. Alleyway.  Rooftops.  His UA uniform was too attention grabbing.  They dropped his blazer behind one of the rooftop ventilation shafts and tugged off his tie.  The button down by itself was less attention grabbing.  There was nothing they could to about his pants.  Alley again.  The people chasing him could track his phone.  They needed to get rid of it.  

Preferably in a way that wouldn’t immediately tip their pursuers off to the fact they had gotten rid of it.  Sending them the wrong way would be a good distraction, would buy them time.  

They slipped onto a bus and dropped Izuku’s phone into a woman’s purse.  Hopefully, she wouldn’t notice the change in weight for a while.  

Six and Two were very good at this kind of thing.  Not to mention One.  

It would probably sound weird to an outsider, but it was comforting.  The experience and care of the past users wrapped around him like a thick blanket, making it so that Izuku didn’t mind so much about his distraction, even though he wished he could help more.  

He got off the bus.  They needed to find Eight.

.

“Just so you know,” said Aizawa, several registers shy of conversationally.  “If you’ve harmed my student in any way, I will do everything in my power to make your life a living hell.”

“Nothing here actually affects the mind of the subject,” said Suzuki, rolling his eyes.  “Otherwise, we wouldn’t use Saito’s quirk.”

“Your information hasn’t exactly been accurate so far,” said Tenya, pushing his glasses up and frowning.  Suzuki had, in fact, been fundamentally unhelpful.  “In fact, I believe you have outright lied to us on several occasions.”  He glanced at his classmates for support and did a double take.  

Standing behind Uraraka, half-hidden behind a beaten-up old refrigerator, was Midoriya.  A smaller, slimmer, younger Midoriya, who was wearing an ‘ALL M’ t-shirt, thick gloves, and… and an awfully large amount of rope?

He was also crying, silently, and staring at Suzuki.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he said.  He pulled on the rope.  The refrigerator came free, destabilizing the pile of trash it had been supporting.

It all came tumbling down.  

.

Ochako managed to avoid most of the debris coming for her, and slapped most of the remainder, making them float with her quirk.  Even so, by the time the dust settled, she was covered in scrapes, the pink fabric of her hero suit torn—

Wait.  Hero suit?

Whatever, she was asleep, and the more important thing was to find Iida, Todoroki, and Aizawa-sensei.  They had been in the direct line of the collapse.  She was pretty sure Deku had been able to get out of the way.

“Shouldn’t have done that.”

“Five-point touch activation.  Seems to affect buoyancy of objects.  Possible martial arts background based on movement.”

Ochako spun to face not one, but two small Dekus. The new one was, if possible, even smaller than the first and wearing a gakuran.  He had a notebook spread out across his left arm and was writing in it at lightning speed.  

“Hands are a possible weak spot, but a known one.  Be careful of kicks.”  Gakuran Deku’s words devolved into mumbling, but t-shirt Deku was still nodding, so he must understand.  

T-shirt Deku also had a length of pipe.  Ochako did not like where this was going.  

Then again, the whole point of this exercise was to learn how to defend one’s mind.  She couldn’t exactly fault Deku for doing just that.  She dropped into a fighting stance and grinned.  

.

It was nothing short of a miracle, Aizawa decided, that they hadn’t been killed yet. Then again, it was possible that Midoriya, despite his obviously altered and disturbed mental state, was still holding back against them.  

Which was annoying.  Because neither of the two small Midoriya-lookalikes was particularly strong.  Nor did they appear to be using Midoriya’s quirk, despite the fact that Aizawa, Iida, Uraraka, and Todoroki had no trouble using theirs.  The problem was that they were terrifyingly intelligent, just shy of ruthless, and had an incredible home-field advantage in that they seemed to know the location and nature of every bit of trash on the beach and in that they could evidently make it disappear and reappear at will.  They also avoided head-on combat whenever possible, letting the terrain do their work for them.  

Fighting them was, in fact, like fighting someone with a quirk completely unlike Midoriya’s.  With a fighting style completely unlike Midoriya’s.

And that made Aizawa wonder, because all too often, he caught Midoriya trying to replicate All Might’s style, and if he did that when he could be doing something more like this—

But this wasn’t the time for such speculation.  

He pulled Todoroki away from a trap again (he evidently hadn’t yet grasped that Midoriya was attacking them), and then jumped away from a chain reaction caused by whatever Uraraka just threw.  

Unless they wanted to spend the next hour being beaten up by the problem child… “We need to get somewhere he has less control over the environment.”

“Off the beach?” suggested Uraraka, panting.  “He said—He said he knew the beach well, so…”

Aizawa nodded.  That was good thinking.  Where were the stairs?

“You need to leave!”  

“We’re trying, problem child!” snapped Aizawa, and, miraculously, that made Midoriya hesitate.  Aizawa pulled Todoroki towards the stairs.   The others were able to follow on their own.  

They made their way up, and as soon as they hit the top step the previously clear sky opened up and it began to pour.  Aizawa was soaked through in seconds.  

Wonderful.  

However, the attacks—which had been relentless up until this point—stopped.

“We left Suzuki,” observed Iida.  

Aizawa held back a groan.  

“Who cares?” asked Todoroki.  

“We do,” said Aizawa.  “We can’t let him run around unsupervised in Midoriya’s head.”

“I think he might have gotten crushed,” said Uraraka.  “He was still in your ice, wasn’t he, Todoroki?”

“Yeah,” said Todoroki.  “Trash should stay with trash,” he mumbled under his breath.  

“We have no idea how any of our quirks will function long-term in a dream,” said Aizawa, not addressing the trash comment because he honestly sort of agreed.  “Nor do we know what his quirk is.”  He sighed. “We may also have to consider that he is correct and Midoriya is compromised.”

Predictably, there was quite a bit of protest.  

“He may also have other information regarding the situation at hand,” said Aizawa.  “Which we need.”

There was a rattle among the trash heaps, and Aizawa turned to watch Suzuki drag himself out from under a mound of trash.  

“You left me!” accused Suzuki, loudly.  “You almost let that gremlin kill me a dozen times!”

“Well,” said Midoriya from behind them, where he absolutely hadn’t been a minute ago, “then maybe you should have left when I asked."

[phoenixkaizen]

#3 Erasermic? If you have the time and energy of course!

Time? Energy? What are these mysterious things xD Absolutely I will do this for you! (did you send me two Omegaverse requests btw, if you did, they are currently in the works!) 

Welp! Annnnywayyyy, here you go!

x

Shouta Aizawa constantly found himself in sticky situations. Being an underground hero had its major downsides, and on the other hand had major upsides. Being able to operate alone fell in upsides and unfortunately downsides. 

His current predicament? Possibly broken ribs and a severely twisted ankle. Well, he wanted to say it was a twisted ankle. By the looks of it alone. Probably not. The skin around his ankle being a sickly looking dark black and blue with purple mixed it around the edges. Every single time, legitimately, every single time he tried to put any type of pressure onto his foot, the pain would spark through his entire leg and he would collapse in pain. His head felt as if it was splitting into two at that point. 

How this happened? He would never admit. Stupid miscalculations and going to quickly for his own good. Nope. If anyone asked. It was a villain. He would rather admit to a defeat that never happened than admit to this. 

His phone was completely shattered and unusable. He tried, multiple times. The retched device might also be even more broken at this point from his frustration and a nearby wall. 

Now he was just sitting in dirty, damp, and smelly alleyway with absolutely no way to contact anyone. Unless he screamed. But he wasn’t Hizashi. No one would hear him. It was the middle of the night on a Friday. The only people who would be out where heroes like himself, criminals, and drunk people. He would not entrust a drunk person to his welfare. Absolutely not. He’s been down that road once and never again would he ever let that happen. 

The ground in the alleyway was soaking through his pants and shirt from the rain from earlier that day. He was wet, cold, and, in a seriously terrible mood. This night couldn’t possibly get worse but at the same time and knowing his luck, it would. For his sanity, he hoped it didn’t. 

After this year and all the shit that has happened. He would gladly just see to his death in this alleyway. Because of his own stupidity. Yup, this was the end for him. 

“Shouta?” Shouta raised his head to see Hizashi standing at the end of the alleyway with his phone up to his ear. The blonde’s face was completely pale and his emerald green eyes wide that Shouta could see the white’s of his eyes around his sunglasses. 

“Um, hi, Zashi.” Shouta muttered, putting his head back down onto the concrete. 

Footsteps echoed through the alleyway, notifying him that Hizashi indeed came down the alleyway. Of course he would though. They were married afterall. 

“What happened, Shou?!” Hizash exclaimed the second he managed to survey the injury on Shouta’s foot. The blonde kneeled next to him completely silent. 

“I plead the fifth.” Shouta stated, trying everything to make it seem like he wasn’t in pain. He had an extremely high pain tolerance and Hizashi knew it. He just didn’t want Hizashi to know exactly how much pain he was in. 

Hizashi snorted. “We live in Japan. Not America.” He replied. 

“Than I choose not to incriminate myself!” Shouta retorted. 

Hizashi rolled his eyes, unlocking his phone. “I’ll call an ambulance.” He stated, not pushing the issue any further. 

Shouta shot up, wincing loudly as he grabbed at his torso. “No!” The black haired male practically screamed, causing Hizashi to look at him with wide eyes. “I mean, just call Recovery Girl. I don’t want to go to the hospital. Recovery Girl does a better job anyway.” 

“Are you sure? She would scold you worse than any doctor would.” Hizashi questioned. 

“I would rather face the wrath of the old lady compared to telling an ER doctor what happened.” Shouta whined. 

Hizashi rolled his eyes, sighing in defeat. “Well, up you go. Lets get you home.” The man stated, grabbing both of Shouta’s wrists and pulling the man up. Shouta bit his lip to keep the pained groan from leaving him as he was now to his feet, attempting to keep the weight off of his injured ankle. He gasped as Hizashi turned and he was pulled onto the man’s back with Hizashi’s hands holding his thighs. Shouta’s arms were now over Hizashi’s shoulders and his head resting on the blonde’s shoulder. 

Hizashi huffed slightly, starting the track out of the alleyway and down the street in the direction of their home. They were a good thirty minute walk from U.A. plus the ten minute walk to the teacher’s dorms on campus. 

The first ten minutes of the walk had been in silence. Hizashi made a noise in his throat, adjusting Shouta on his back. The Erasure hero cast him a concerned look. “Zashi, am I hurting you? Put me down. I’m heavy.” 

Hizashi turned his head, looking at Shouta with a toothy smile. “You’re not hurting me, you’re not heavy. I’ve got you, love.” The blonde replied. “I’m more concerned about hurting you.”

Shouta sighed, putting his chin on Hizashi’s shoulder. Hizashi was not a person that could be easily swayed. 

Shouta was sure he had fallen asleep at one point cause when he reopened his eyes, the door to his apartment was being opened and Hizashi was placing him gently on the bed. The blonde smiled softly down at him, moving some of his black hair out of his face. “You need out of those clothes before you get sick.” He whispered, reaching forward to start stripping the man out of his clothes. With his ruined costume disposed of, Hizashi grabbed a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt. Helping Shouta get into those clothes as well. “I called Recovery Girl already, she’s on her way.” 

It was almost as if on cue when a knock at Shouta’s door alerted them that Recovery Girl had arrived. Hizashi walked over, opening the door and letting the woman in. Recovery Girl had a scowl on her face, still in her pajamas as she looked at the Erasure Hero. “Fell off the roof again?” 

“Again?” Hizashi questioned, his eyes wide as he looked at Shouta. 

Shouta shrugged. “The side was wet.” 

Recovery Girl sighed. “What have I told you about jumping from roof top to roof top on days that it had rained?” 

“Watch my step?” 

Recovery Girl rolled her eyes. “No. Do not jump on roofs, so I don’t have to do this.” She took in a deep breath, walking over to where he was laying on the bed. Quickly examining his ankle. “What else hurts?” 

“My ribs and my head.” Shouta replied. 

She nodded, leaning forward and placing a quirk activated kiss to Shouta’s ankle. Shouta wanted to cry in relief as the pain from his ankle quickly evaporated. She moved up, placing another to his side and finally one to his forehead. Recovery Girl turned to Hizashi once she had been completed. “Keep an eye on the ankle and his head. He should be perfectly fine. Make sure he stays in bed and off of that ankle for the rest of the night. That means bed rest. If he gets out, put him back by force.” 

“Chiyo!” Shouta whined. 

Recovery Girl turned, leveling a glare on him. “You heard me.” She said, the sass clear in her voice as she smiled. “Take it easy, Aizawa. I wish you would be more careful.” 

“Might want to ice the ankle to just in case of swelling.” Recovery Girl added as she turned and looked at Hizashi once more. 

The blonde nodded. “Thank you, Chiyo. Sorry for having to get you up for this.” 

“Its the usual. Aizawa was a problem child as a teen to. He’s my problem child apparently.” Recovery Girl stated with a shrug. “Rest up, Aizawa. I will check on you in the morning.” 

Shouta smiled. “Thanks, Chiyo.” He said as Recovery Girl exited the apartment, the door clicking shut behind her. 

Shouta turned his head, looking over to Hizashi who was already grabbing an ice pack from the freezer and a tea towel. The blonde walked back over to the bed, slipping on next to Shouta. He gently placed the ice on Shouta’s ankle, the other man wincing from the sudden coldness. Hizashi gave him a soft smile. “Problem child, huh?”��

Shouta snorted. “Shut up and cuddle me.” 

[noctisluciscaelumcxiv]

In Which Chiyo Wastes Your Time For A Joke

background: i like mystery diners alot. i watch it alot. i decided to tell a joke about it. here it is under cut. ENJOY!

In Which Chiyo Wastes Your Time For A Joke

*bre,,,,gaymie,,,,,olivia...im so sorry in advance that you had to read this.

“Hey it’s me, Charles Stiles, I’m with a company called Mystery Diners.”

Whether you asked or not, he will always greet you with this single phrase. Mystery Diners is a “reality TV show” that focuses on weeding out the bad seeds of a certain food service. Many episodes revolve around finding the culprit responsible for a host of problems that the food service is having. Usually, via a three act structure, the problem is solved within the 20 minute time frame. The show is Produced by the T Group Productions, makers of such classics as Swamp Hunters and I Catfished My Kid. Many have accused the show of being staged, though Charles Stiles of Mystery DIners denies these claims. Who is this Charles Stiles? Well, he is the owner of California-based Business Evaluation Services and Mystery Shopper Services. These services are for companies to secretly test that their customer service is up to par by hiring “Mystery SHoppeers” to evaluate them. From the website:

    “Mystery shopping is one of the most traditional and effective methods for gathering feedback on your guests’ experience. You can gain valuable insight into how your customers feel about doing business with your company.”

THe show is an extension of these services, televised and dramaticized for our viewing pleasure. There’s many things a bit...off about the show. It’s a bit hard to put your finger on it, but once you sit and watch a few minutes, it starts to become clear. It’s very obviously a put on. Many episodes have “conflicts” that are are so absurd, one wonders how anyone could actually take it seriously. The “Action Burger” episode is quite a good place to start for how ridiculous this show can be.

Before tackling this episode, you must first understand the structure of the show. This is VITAL. The sho is split into three separate sections: The Consultation, The Sting and The Confrontation. Sometimes an optional fourth chapter is added to the story, The Restaurant Update. OH. There’s one thing before the show can actually start! The One Minute Advertisement. This is where the food service owner has a short section to sell their product. It usually ends up being them talking about thier most popular dishes. The Consultation is next. This is where Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners sits down with the disgruntled owners and talks about the issue. Problems range from “I think someone is rigging my poetry night,” “There’s a Suspicious Christmas Elf outside my shop,” or “I think my mother is stealing my secret Krabby Patty Formula.” No matter the problem, 90% of them boil down to a petty money making scheme by one of the employees or a scam. During this section, we also see the Control Room Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners sets up. He goes over how many hidden cameras he has placed throughout the perimeter of the area. He also introduces his Mystery Diners here. These are the people who infiltrate the restaurant to uncover clues that will help solve the mystery. They pose as guests or workers to do so.

Next we have the Sting, which is the true meat and potatoes of each Episode. This is where the juicy stuff happens. Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners and the owner sit in the control room and survey the restaurant on a usual day of service. It becomes quickly obvious to the viewer just who the culprit is usually within the first few moments. Sometimes a red herring will be thrown in, like a skeevy worker who seems to be stealing or talking negatively about the restaurant. Almost always, this person is revealed to either an accomplice to the crimes, or a misunderstood worker. Surveillance work is a unpredictable job. Cameras or microphone can fail, and unforeseen situations may arise. In these cases, Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners may have a ace in the hole. Things like drones, roller skate robots or hacking devices are not uncommon in the later seasons. Even with all these gadgets, the unpredictable may still happen. In these cases the Sting is usually cut short with Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners proudly proclaiming, “I think we have enough evidence to close this case. Why don’t you go down there and stop *whatever is going on* and bring them back up here!” This is immediately followed by--

The Confrontation! This is the most EXPLOSIVE part of any episode. Tensions are running high as the owner confronts the inept, wrongdoers. Often, this can lead to hands flying and tears streaming. Sometimes other customers get involved, sometimes other scams are revealed. In all cases, the offenders are fired or quit and those who were wrapped into a world of debauchery by the offenders are let off with a mild talking to. This section usually ends with the owner offering his eternal gratitude to Charle Stiles of Mystery Diners. They may even throw in a meal, on the house of course! A few weeks later an update of the restaurant is given. All problems are solved and nothing is awry. All’s well that ends well.

With the basic structure of the show down, it is time to take a closer look at an episode, “Action Burger.” Well...the offical episode title is actually “Comic Book Caper.” This is episode 6 (133 overall) in season 11 released December 30, 2015.

After the intro, we meet Vlane Carter, our protagonist for today.

(Vlane Carter, our tragic Hero)

His restaurant is a combination of his passions in life, “sci-fi comics, and FOOD.” One mouth watering explanation of his menu later (it’s spit into “villain” dishes and “hero” dishes. From how he explains it, it seems that villain dishes are quite fattening and greasy while hero dishes are more on the healthy side.), we get yet ANOTHER explanation (though not as tasty) about Vlane’s comic, Bio-Sapien. Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners is in awe of our great protagonist’s skills. Through this Consultation, we learn that a few of Vlane’s valuable comics keep going missing.

(valued at $155)

(valued at $75)

(valued at $750)

He suspects, Gary the Manager, Keenan(?) the Cashier and John the Cook. He also wants to know about the more mundane issue of employees arguing with customers over comic books. Denis, our P.I., infers that maybe someone is stealing the comics….to re sell them! He’s gotta look more into that though, one can never be sure with crimes like these. Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners ensures Vlane that “...At the end of the day, you’ll have your answers, I can assure you of that!” and we are thrust into the STING.

(today’s Control Room. Vlane’s exclamations of “SO HIGH TECH” leave the viewer breathless at such an astonishing show of technology.)

We go over camera placements (not as detail heavy as earlier episodes, lasting only a few seconds) and once again go over our suspects. Gary is said to be our least likely suspect, thought Vlane doesn’t have many negative comments regarding any of the suspects. Denis returns with nothing bad to say about the employees either. He says that all the local pawn shops no nothing of the stolen artifacts and it seems like this case may be lost forever… Until he whips out his 1999 Padger to show that he did indeed find the comics being auctioned off online. It seems as though the

comics have already been *gasp* sold! Denis leaves his “pad” with Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners just in case any other comics pop up.

(Our Mystery Diner for today.)

We are introduced to our Mystery Diner Beatrice (who makes sure let the audience how tasty the food is and how knowledgeable the staff is about comics). THis mini commercial is cut show by Gary arguing who the better batman is with a customer. The tensions run high in this scene, and they soon burst as the custmer Omar storms out. Or rather, is basically thrown out by Gary.

(Even the customers tremble at such a heated debate.)

We are then introduced to the most bizarre thing in this restaurant, Bellona. This is a young woman hired by Vlane to cosplay as his comic book character and walk around the shop for a few hours a few times a week. While Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners believes they should keep a close eye on her, Vlane is adamant in defending his “heroine.” Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners solemnly reminds our hero that “Even superheroes have their weakness.” Faux Bellona, or Jessica, seems to be well liked by the staff and customers alike (probably because of her super costume….), though there is one issue. She gives away copies of Vlane’s comic for free and eats lunch there without paying (to which Vlane remarks that eating burgers is far out of character for Bellona, a devout vegetarian.). This seems to be the first seeds of doubt that have sprung into our protagonist’s heart.

(Our Second Mystery Diner)

After a sequence with more hijinks and misconduct with Jessica, we are introduced to our second Mystery DIner, whose job it is to tempt the employees into buying a very rare comic.

THe idea is that the crooked criminal will tell the clueless customer that his comic is worth very little, when in fact its worht $300. That, and Action Burger is NOT a collector. Keenan, our cashier, passes the test but one other unlikely--it’s Jessica. She tells the simple minded store goer that the comic is worthless (which CHareles Stiles of Mystery Diners assures us that he checked HIMSELF! ITS IN MINT CONDITION!) and to sell it her for a few bucks. Very….suspicious.,.......could she be….no….not the heroine! Maybe this isn’t the case.

Jessica goes into Vlane’s office (a huge no-no) and snaps a pic of the comic to post online. THrough the “pad,” Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners informs VLane that the comic has just appeared on the auction website for sale!!!!!!!! Having had enough Vlane storms done to the office, ready to confront the super hero gone bad. This is the explosive confrontation that everythinghas been leading up to! At the Control room is where all this tension...BURSTS! Jessica insists that she’s giving away comics to promote business and accuses Vlane of not feeding her on the clock. Vlane corrects her saying that Bellona doesn’t need food, what with being a biomechanical alien and all. Oh and uh, also that giving books away fro free isn’t cool. Or something. Jessica then proceeds to call the Mystery Diner a dumb ass and VLane once again has to correct her in saying that super heroes dont take advantage of people! Seems like Jessica was always rotten to the core. After telling her that she is undeserving of such a noble outfit, he fires her and she storms out. Oh and she steals the costume. Next he confronts Gary….It’s pretty boring. Gary just makes a few excuses and is put on probation for a few months. Vlane promises to name a burger after CHarles Stiles Mystery Diners, Jessica pays the money back, the staff is reprimanded, he hires a new actor and everything isfine. That guitar riff closes the door on this case.

And that was that, my god where to begin? First off one of the main issues with this episode, and this show in general, is the man himself: Charles Fucking Stiles. With any other show of this nature, the one thing that usually holds it together is a fun host. Say what you will about Guy Fieri, he is still entertaining to watch. He emotes and reacts is ways that are fun for the audience and can keep your attention for the full length of the show. Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners is none of these things. He cannot act. Which isn’t saying much considering no one in this how has any acting abilities (yes, even the hired actors suck.). But Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners is a special kind of bad acting: he’s bland as hell. There is little to no emotion in any line he says. It is always in the same tone of voice and the same inflection. This becomes really noticeable when you realize all of his dialogue is the same few lines with the name of the current restaurant stuck into them. It is quite similar to an rpg where every playthru the npc says the same thing; the only difference in thier dialogue would be that your name is changed. His facial expression is blank the entire show. One has to wonder why the camera even bothers cutting to him half of the time. It doesn’t matter if there is a brawl going on or  “hilarious” hijinks with the employees, his face will never change. Maybe a smile may peek through but it is pretty hard to tell.

As mentioned before, not only is our host about as engaging as a rock, the others in the show don’t do much better in the acting department. The restaraunt owners, employees, mystery diners and sometimes other players in the episode are all acting, that is obvious. The thing is, all of them either under act or over act. Take this episode, Action Burger, for example. It is obvious that Vlane was given lines to recite but his delivery is absolutely horrible, though that is not really his fault. He’s not an actor so of course he wouldn’t give a great performance. I think what makes it so bad is that it seems like none of the crew gave this man any direction. This is also an issue in many episodes. There are instances of Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners telling someone to look somewhere but both end up looking in two totally different places. At one point in the episode, Vlane says a line that I think is supposed to be for the audience to laugh at but Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners just looks at him, looks away, and then immediatly looks back at him as if he did a double take. In fact, i don’t think ANYONE is given much direction. Poor Vlane sometimes has no idea what reaction to give to some lines so he just stares blankly awaiting his cue for his turn to recite his memorized lines. Again, I believe this is mostly due to incompetence on the crew’s part. There is a scene where Gary argues with a customer about the best batman and the customer’s acting is so forced it’s unbelievable. The man seems like he’s sleepwalking through the scene. Some extras in the background have no idea what to do and where to go; alot of them either stand around or flail around. Though, I have read that most fo the people seen in the background aren’t actors but actual restaurant goers. I am not sure how true this information is, though. Either way, it’s bad. Jessica’s acting is...wow. It trully is something. At the end during the Confrontation, she tries to “tell off” everyone but it comes off as awkward and weird. She walks up to a customer who is ordering her food and talks over her to her son. It is the most awkward way to approach someone for a conversation not to mention just...confusing.

Here we see her talking right in front of the mother to the son. Why didn’t she just walk up to the son? And no, she was not right there and just struck up a conversation. SHe got up from across the restaurant and walked purposefully to that spot, and THEN started talking. And yes the mother is trying to order food while Jessica is talking to the son.

Here, she reaches over the mother to give the son a book. Who in the world shot this and thought it was fine, this is the most awkward thing to watch! First off she is FAR too close to the mother, who is a STRANGER that she doesn’t know. Second, she just reaches over her like that and the mother doesn’t react at all! She also continues talking while the mother is trying to order. I know this is meant to be “reality” but scenes like this show just how little direction these actors were given. It’s so clunky and awkward it becomes hard to watch. It’s embarrassing. This is not an isolated thing, many episodes have bad actor placements like this. People just don’t know where to stand or what to do with their bodies, giving scenes very boxed in feeling or a cramped feeling. It’s weird and awkward and thoroughly unpleasant to sit through at times!

While this episode wasn’t a big offender of it, the sound mixing in this show can be passable to laughable. At times it’s obvious that lines are added in or dubbed over in post. Sometimes, with his back turned, Charles Stiles of Mystery Diners’ disembodied voice is heard, even though it is very obvious that he didn’t actualy say anything. He comments on things often time with no reaction from anyone almost as if he wasn’t….in the room! Plus, whenever a line is added in there is a noticeable change in audio quality. Once you pick up on it, it’s impossible NOT to notice. The editing can get a lil weird too, cutting to angles of the same scene that just loook….weird. This one is a bit harder to explain in words but just watch a few episodes. The camera cuts to something else obviously trying to not focus on something, but the thing we aren’t supposed to be focusing on is still in the shot, maybe a little off to the side! Which makes you want to focus on it MORE. Again, watch an episode and you will know what i mean.

There is sometimes this uncomfortable image of employees that this show often shows. It makes it seem like if an employee doesn’t absolutely love their job and everything it stands for, then they are bad and probably a crook. Many times a boss will jump to wanting to straight up fire an employee for making one negative remark. And it’s often these “negative” employees that end up being the criminal masterminds in charge of some intricate scam to con custmers and the boss out of money. It all seems a bit mean spirited towards workers. It’s like this weird sort of fear mongering for employers, “BE CAUTIOUS OF ANY EMPLOYEE THAT DOESN'T BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR YOUR COMPANY!” Maybe i’m over thinking it. I mean, i hve to be if i sat and wrote this, right?