#cherish it because i write angst as if it is my oxygen and i need it to live

[skzoologist]

Unfamiliarity [two]

word count: ~10.5k

genre: Hybrid AU, no pairings

warnings: forced intake of medication, usage of heavy meds, panic attacks, signs of PTSD, hints of being experimented at, past abuse, occasional curse words, hurt/comfort, just bad choices overall from everyone

summary: Being taken in from the street means you get a mandatory, very fun session with the vet :)

a/n: I hope none of you missed the story too much, seeing as I took TWO MONTHS to update. I am horrible, my time-management skills are non-existent. My deepest apologies, I will put up the next chapter hopefully the next week to try and tame your ire. Especially since no new members are introduced in this chapter yet, only in the next one... Anyway, I hope you have fun reading this and feel free to barge into my ask box if you have any thoughts or questions!

Please let me know if I left a warning or anything out, I will add it in!Reblogs, likes and feedback are greatly appreciated!

!This is just fiction, my interpretation of Stray Kids. By no means is this how they are and how they behave in real life!

previous I masterlist I next

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Waking up was not fun at all.

The moment my consciousness resurfaced and I opened my eyes, my whole body started hurting. My head pounded mercilessly, feeling heavy and fuzzy. My throat was parched, tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, the notion of peeling it off uncomfortable.

I slowly got up, my body shuddering and fur twitching as I sucked in a whine that almost left my muzzle. My back hurt and stretched, the smell of antiseptics hitting me in the face. My nose crinkled up, eyes watering from the unpleasantly strong smell. Shaking my head to try and get rid of at least a bit, I huffed and stood up on shaky paws, carefully stepping down from the 'bed'.

My whole body felt like a weight as I stood there, needing a moment to recollect myself.

What was I doing last time? I wasn't in 'bed'... No, I was eating, right. The wolf… yes, he was teaching me how to use those sticks. Then…

Everything came rushing back to me, the glass, the capture, the stars. Wait no, those were freckles.

Trotting towards the place where the clothes were stored, I stood on my hind legs, front right paw resting on the right door as I opened the left one with my maw. Sure enough, there were clothes neatly laid out there by the others, like it always had been.

Shifting into my other -more vulnerable- form, I suppressed every groan of pain that wanted to escape me. The scars on my upper body stretched painfully, the feeling unpleasant and familiar. Quickly putting on some clothes, I walked towards the door and took a couple of deep breaths.

Nobody was nearby, they were all huddled in the 'living room' from what I could tell. That was… weirdly perfect.

Quietly opening the door, I stepped out into the hallway I had walked across so many times before. Not wanting to notify anyone of my presence just yet, I left the door open -instead of risking them hearing me closing it- and stepped across the smooth floor, my steps muted and precise.

Nearing the stairway, I stopped as I heard hushed voices. I couldn't make out any words thanks to my fuzzy head, but their tone was more than enough to indicate their misery. My ears pressed into my head, knowing I was probably the cause of that.

Gathering my courage, I gulped down my racing heart that leapt into my throat and took a step towards the staircase.

By the fourth step I was noticed.

By the sixth, their voices completely died down.

By the seventh I stopped, gaze meeting theirs after a few seconds.

I took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry."

My voice was raspy, the words almost unrecognisable from the lack of use over the long years. Yet, I continued looking at them, my uninjured hand clenching in anticipation, waiting for them to inevitably throw me out or hurt me.

"You…you can speak?" - croaked out a small voice, the others too stunned to speak yet.

I nodded.

"...Then why haven't you spoken so far?" - asked another.

"...wasn’t allowed to…" - I rasped out, my throat closing up in strain.

I awkwardly continued to stand there, waiting for a reaction, just anything.

"Well, why’re you just standing there, come down here you idiot." - choked out Chan. Before I could open my mouth to protest, Minho cut me off. "No, we’re not angry at you, get your ass down here or else Felix and Changbin will tackle you onto the stairs and worsen your injuries."

I just accepted my fate, making my way over towards them in my stupor. I didn't even reach them when the aforementioned feline shot up from his seat and rushed at me. I didn't fall over only because Minho warned me, so I stood there stiffly as the boy clinged to me as if his life depended on it, apologising over and over again.

My brows furrowed. What wrong did he do that he needed to be apologising for?

I quickly caught the words 'shirt' and 'breakfast', the pieces clicking together as I realised he had been blaming himself for my panic at the table.

I hovered my hand above his head, only after a moment of hesitance did I finally gently place it atop his mop of angelic hair and stroked it, mindful of his little ears.

"Not your fault." - I rasped out, but he either didn't hear or didn't believe me as he just buried his face deeper into my chest.

Sighing, I took his face in both of my hands -injury be damned- and nudged him to look at me. When he finally did, I repeated the same sentence, my tone firm and leaving no place for any argument. I wiped his tears with my thumbs, then looked towards the others as I continued speaking -or at least trying to-.

"Bad memory. Not anyo–... anyone's fault. Sorry. Broke glass and caused trouble."

My voice died halfway and I sounded like I rose from the dead, but none of them seemed to care. Changbin indeed affectionately hugged me once I was close enough, my body almost smushed into paste. I endured it, even as my form protested and skin shivered, knowing he had no bad intentions. Chan was full on crying and smiling at me, engulfing me in a bear hug once Felix let go of me for a few seconds. Minho just repeatedly called me an idiot in an endearing tone, his voice light and playful.

That evening was one I would never forget for the rest of my life, the warmth that surrounded me suffocatingly gentle and sweet.

-.-.-.-.-

The days kept going by in a similar fashion, my life gaining a rhythm I never thought I would ever have.

Everyday I would wake up in my little den -that nobody intruded upon, just like the wolf promised- to a knock on the door, one of the boys waiting there with breakfast for me. Taking it thankfully after greeting each other, I would then go to the bathroom and get ready for the day -yes i had to be shown how to wash my teeth and i absolutely disliked how it felt-. Afterwards, I would join whoever was in the big, spacious room, lounging on the sofa together. Skinship still made my hair stand on end, so I usually sat on one side, while the others were on the opposite one, huddled and cuddled up in one big pile. Then usually, around the same time I would be ushered back into my room. Not that I minded -sometimes i even left earlier, the presence of the others too much for the day-, but I had a feeling it was so I wouldn’t run into the human.

It left a strange feeling in my chest, whenever I thought about how suspiciously considerate these hybrids were towards me.

I also got used to everyone's scents by now, although my stomach sometimes still unpleasantly turned whenever they were especially strong and mixed together. The clothes they let me borrow definitely helped hasten the whole process, even though they looked comically short on my stature.

Speaking of clothes, as I was putting on a fresh shirt, I heard a ripping sound echoing through the room.

Panicking, I quickly took it off, the movement irritating my injuries further, but I didn't care about that. No, checking the precious fabric’s condition was a way bigger priority. I turned around the piece of cloth in my hands and sure enough, there was a newly formed hole in its fabric.

Putting on a different one -more carefully this time-, I made my way out of the room, my ears lowered and tail lifeless.

I was hit with deja vu as only Minho was lazily lounging on the sofa, attention partly on the TV, half asleep. Not wanting to bother him or accidentally fully wake him up, I was about to start leaving back into the hallway when Felix appeared. He greeted his feline friend and cuddled into him, purrs now loud enough for even me to hear.

Letting a small smile sneak itself onto my lips, I turned around to leave when suddenly, Felix's head popped up over the back of the couch. His left ear flicked as he was looking straight at me with a deadpan expression, motioning for me to join them. I shuffled in place, embarrassed I was caught, but went down the stairs to join them anyway.

The blonde boy greeted me quietly, the brunette conked out under him, soft snores already leaving his form. My gaze softened at the sight, ears letting up and tail swaying gently.

I took my usual place on the soft furniture, the shirt in my hand now painfully obvious. I played with it absentmindedly, just watching the TV alone as the other feline decided to take a nap as well. They had woken up not that long ago, so I couldn't really understand how they could fall asleep so fast once again. Huffing in amusement at them, I turned towards one of the downstairs hallways as I sensed the other two hybrids leave a room and approach us. Sure enough, they saw and greeted me, in return I nodded at them.

Before they could say anything, I put a finger in front of my lips, motioning towards the sleeping hybrids. Chan looked at them with such warmth as he chuckled, while Changbin just rolled his eyes playfully, muttering things about cats and their laziness.

"Oh, why do you have a shirt in your hands?" - the wolf asked after he sat down next to me, the other parts of the sofa taken by the stretched out felines.

My form turned sheepish, eyes looking at the ground. I held up the fabric for him to see, the hole painfully obvious as I muttered out a grated 'Sorry'.

"Don't be sorry baby, I honestly thought this would happen sooner. None of us have fitting clothing for you, seeing as you are ridiculously tall." He let out a small sigh, silently pondering over his next words. "I’ve waited with this for as long as I could, but it seems like we have no choice anymore, sorry. Because if we want to get you new clothes, you need a collar. To get one, you need to be officially adopted, and for that, you need a checkup. You needed one anyway, for your injuries." - he carefully whispered out, his gentle gaze searching my form for a reaction.

The blood froze into my veins. 

I never wanted to be adopted again, or to have a collar on my neck. I gulped, the air suddenly thin and not enough. The room felt hot, while my body remained frigid. I was vaguely aware of the wolf in front of me, but my vision became slightly hazy and limited.

I blinked several times, forcing the memories and feelings down, not willing to cause another scene and appear weak in front of them yet again.

"-by, are you alright?"

All at once I became painfully aware of his knowing gaze and gentle hold on my uninjured hand. I merely nodded, noticing Changbin hovering nearby as well. My ears flicked towards his direction, a sign I noticed him and was fine. He eased up and sat down next to Chan, head propped up on one of the elder’s shoulders.

"I'm sorry baby, we can wait a bit more to get your injuries looked at. Forget I said anything." - he squeezed my hand once more, then let go as he instead focused on the movie that was playing.

I tried to do so as well, mind numb and slow to work.

I remained seated there for the rest of the day -besides eating and such-, aware what the others were doing at all times. Sometimes they silently watched the TV, other times they caused a ruckus. Chan checked his phone a couple of times, but I wasn't bothered about that. He did that sometimes, probably speaking with his human. The day went by and I was soon back in my room, sleeping early to just end the day faster.

I should have cared about that phone checking.

The next day started the same as my days usually did, but when I met the others, there was a strange tension in the air. They seemed a bit awkward around me, especially the wolf. I only raised an eyebrow at that, an uncomfortable feeling settling into my gut. But I thought nothing more of it.

I really should have.

Next thing I knew, the day slowly trickled by, the bad feeling only growing stronger, body fidgeting endlessly. My eyes regularly flitted around the place, searching for the source of my uncomfort.

It arrived in the form of an ear-splitting ringing. I jumped, having never heard the loud sound and remained in place. The others looked at each other with uncertainty, letting the youngest boy open the door.

Taking a deep breath, my nose picked up on an unfamiliar smell, one that did not belong to a hybrid. Before Felix reached the door I bolted, vaulting over the sofa and up the stairs, diving under the 'bed' and into my den, my safe place.

There was an unknown human in the house and I had a really bad feeling that it had something to do with me. What if it was them, finally having found me, ready to take me back to their lab? What if it was the law, coming to punish me for what I had done?

My head raced with thoughts, none better than the other.

Amidst my panic, the door opened, Chan stepping in and crouching in front of my hidden form.

"Baby, come out please. He just needs to look at your injuries and check if they’re healing properly." - he coaxed fruitlessly.

Oh so it was just a doctor. I didn't know if it was worse or better.

"Baby, please, it's just me in here. Come out."

He was right, it was indeed only him in the room at that moment, the others’ scents all outside and not in the room.

Not getting an answer, he just sat down and continued to try and lure me out with gentle murmurs, his voice on the edge of begging. Still, it took him a good while to get me out of my den, but I slowly crawled out and looked at him wearily.

Betrayal.

Betrayal was all I felt, as he grabbed me, shouting for the others to rush in and hold me down. My back was pushed onto a plush surface as it burned, my limbs held down even as they struggled to regain their freedom.

But no matter how hard I tried, their grips firmly remained on my body. A growl ripped out of my chest as my jaw was forced open, something placed inside as they firmly shut it. I didn't want to swallow down whatever it was, but he kept his hand in place, the other massaging my throat.

Tears escaped my eyes as I couldn't fight it anymore, the object sliding down with a forced gulp.

I continued thrashing, even as I felt a bit more sluggish, but nothing more.

"Fuck, he needs another one."

No!

I ripped my left hand out of its hold, something painfully moving out of place as I struggled to break free, blindly clawing at anything I could reach. My limb was soon recaptured, the hold on it only causing more pain. In the next moment my jaw was forced open once again and I relived that horrible moment from a few minutes ago.

My body felt heavy, head hazy as I laid there panting, unable to do anything anymore.

The wolf came into my vision, wiping away the tear tracks from my cheeks as he whispered something about being sorry and not having a choice. I just continued laying there, the ceiling much more interesting for my unfocused eyes as I accepted my fate.

Their familiar scents left and in came a new one, my gut already churning in place.

The new voice introduced itself, but I couldn't be bothered to remember its name. My mind was stuffy, as if it was filled with cotton. The room looked somehow funny, the patterns seemingly coming to life with each passing second. I could hear a chuckle as I marvelled at them, having never seen such things before.

Wariness was sitting at the back of my mind, forgotten there. My mood took a funny turn as well, numb and giddy mixing together to make me obedient and helpful.

And I was. 

I sat up sluggishly and let the human do whatever he wanted to me as I merely watched him, like a lifeless doll on drugs. He checked various parts of my body, being extra diligent around the scars on my upper body, head and arm.  Although I did make a face when he checked inside my mouth or touched my ears and tail, goosebumps uncomfortably raised on the surface of my skin.

After way too much prodding and tests, he was finally done and left, the knots in my stomach easing up.

I remained seated where I was, the floor perpetually moving and writhing beneath my feet. I watched it, highly intrigued, even as someone else came into the room.

Looking up I realised it was the wolf, my mood elated and tail wagging, happy to see him.

With a 'Channie!' I hugged him rather forcefully, rubbing my head into his. Suddenly realising what he had done not even long ago, I let go of him quickly, as if he had the plague. "Wait, no, I am supposed to be angry at you." - I muttered, arms crossed.

He just laughed, patting my shoulder. "You can come in guys, he's good, although a bit too high!" - he shouted out the open door, leading me back to where I sat not long ago.

Not even a second later Felix rushed in and I tackled him similarly to the wolf, just with a happy shout of 'Sunshine!' this time. Realising he was in on my backstabbing too, I let go of him and scrunched up my nose. "Wait, I am supposed to be angry at you too."

I stepped away from him, but then Minho and Changbin came in as well, and in a now very familiar fashion I greeted them. "Binnie, Linooo!… Wait, you guys held me down too… Ooh the floor is still moving." - I released them, looking around the floor as I heard them all laugh.

"How long do you think the meds will last? I need to know when to start recording, this is golden." - cackled the scary feline.

"The doc said a few hours, and that’s with his abnormally high tolerance." - replied the wolf as I was led to the bed by Binnie, the ground still tripping me out.

"Can we keep some of these meds? I have never seen him like this before, so… open and cuddly." "Well the doc did give us some, in case he freaks out again or anything. And no, Lix, those are for emergency use only."

The kitten pouted and I almost went to comfort him, before once again I remembered what they did. I went to cross my arms as I pouted, but the rodent hybrid gently held my injured hand that now rested in a cast.

"Don't pout, please, we did what we thought was best." - he whispered, caressing the cast with his thumb. "If you want to blame anyone, blame me. I was the one who had that ide–" The wolf was elbowed in his sides by both felines, a 'Shut up' and 'Naur' leaving their lips in disharmony.

I pursed my lips together, opting to instead hide myself in Changbin's side.

"I was just so scared. I thought it was him, or, or the others. I didn't want to go back." - my voice rasped out, cracking at a few places.

A few seconds of silence passed as one of them carded their fingers through my hair soothingly.

"Baby, who is he?"

"Dun wanna talk about it."

I just pressed more into the younger boy, my voice muffled. Taking a deep breath of the tropical scent, I threw myself over the others, face now nestled into the wolf's middle.

"Smells good. Safe."

"Maybe we can use these meds out of emergency too sometimes."

-.-

I woke up to a full bed, the thought dancing around my mind before fully registering. I tensed up under all the bodies, my heart rate accelerating fast. Not wanting to wake them up, I scooted away as much as I could, my body ridden with goosebumps, reminded of the past.

Some of them stirred but remained asleep as I just sat there, trying to recollect what had happened that could result in this.

I, sadly, came up a bit blank.

Instead of wrecking my already hurting head even more, I watched the others sleep, their features peaceful and at ease. A smile slipped onto my lips.

I knew it for a while now, that they sneaked their way into my heart, I just kept denying it. My heart was just not ready to trust again, and it probably never would be.

But I was willing to try, for their sake.

I had no clue how long I had been sitting there, but gradually all of them woke up, greeting me and each other. I nodded back, the question I had been itching to get an answer to sitting on the tip of my tongue.

"What happened yesterday?"

They froze up, glancing at each other, until Minho slipped his phone out with a suspiciously wide grin on his face. He tapped some things and a video started playing.

A video of me, cuddling into every single one of them with a satisfied smile on my face.

I blanched, wide eyes not believing what they were seeing. I nearly choked on my spit when I heard their nicknames leaving my lips. Nicknames I thought I never said out loud.

"Yeah, you were extreeemely high from the meds." - laughed Chan, rubbing his nape at the memory. "Yup, called Lix's freckles stars too and asked Binnie if he could lift you up, since he has so much muscle."

My cheeks warmed up immediately, ears lowered in embarrassment. I took my tail into my uninjured hand, pushing my face into it to hide as they all just laughed at my expense.

I couldn't face them anymore. Never again, actually.

-.-.-.-

The following days I hid in my room, memories of that day now fully intact as they trickled back to me. I was hurt over being fooled and forced into a medical checkup, especially because they knew how I would react to it. So their solution was to lie to me and force medication down my throat… But to their credit, none of them came into the room uninvited still, only knocking to give me food, which I quickly took and shut the door into their faces.

I was torn.

On one hand, I had finally admitted that yes, they had wormed their way into my heart. On the other hand, the trust that had been so carefully crafted now crumbled down in front of my very eyes.

It was painful.

Instead I just let my eyelids flutter closed as I laid curled up in my den, tears easily racing down their already carved out paths.

I was so tired.

-.-.-.-

I was startled awake by quiet knocking on my door, the sound ear-piercing in the deadly silence. It must have been night, my tired mind supplied amidst its haze.

I blinked a couple of times, the weight of my body settling into my soul, easily convincing me to not move a finger.

But the knocking disagreed as it rang through my echoing room once more.

Taking a deep breath to will myself to move, I immediately recognised the sugary sweet scent wafting through the air, dragging a sigh from my body.

Crawling out of my hiding place, I held my head as it throbbed, sight swimming and throat parched. The thought of accepting the food I refused hours earlier didn’t sound too bad at that moment, but I instead shook my head gently and shut my eyes closed forcefully. My vision soon returned fully afterwards, so I slowly padded towards the door and opened it just enough for our eyes to meet.

Those usually glinting, bright nebulas were now dim, sitting atop dark and raw skin. The sight broke a part of me, but I showed no sign of it, no, I couldn’t, I refused to. Instead I just hummed with a questioning tone, wanting to hear the goal of his visit from his mouth directly.

"Hyung… Do you… Could we talk? Please?" - his voice cracked, eyes glistening and pleading.

I couldn't say no to that, so I opened the door just enough for him to slip in, closing it quietly after confirming no one else was nearby.

He awkwardly stood in the middle of the room, so I just motioned towards the 'bed' for him with a jerk of my head. Getting the hint, he carefully sat down at the edge of it, his lax tail laying close to his body in distress.

I remained standing in front of him, a fair distance between his timid form and my angry one, hands awkwardly crossed in front of my chest -this cast thing was getting on my nerves-. My question was clear to him, no words needed to convey it.

"We… You have to know we did it for your own good, Hyung. I…I'm really sorry, I'm not saying what we did was right, but you needed medical attention! Your- you didn't see your injuries, when the glass cut into your burgundy fur, I… I was so scared. You were bleeding a lot and, and… I just didn't want to lose you. None of us wanted to…"

The once bright boy in front of me was broken, tears cascading down his freckled cheeks, just like on that day. It felt like I cast a spell, a curse, hiding away the blinding star behind a curtain of weeping clouds.

It felt horrible.

I felt horrible.

Sighing quietly, I uncrossed my arms.

"I'll… I'll need some time to, to think this through." - my voice rasped out, the air grating against my vocal chords painfully.

The boy nodded, wiping his tears with his long sleeves, his feet carrying him out, through the doorway.

I just stood there, feeling empty even as the door closed and the quiet sniffing disappeared down the hallway.

"...For my sake, huh?"

-.-.-.-

It took me 3 days to scrape my feelings and thoughts together into a partly comprehensive ball. I still couldn't fully understand the situation, and in no way did I forgive them. But I also realised that I didn't have the full picture.

That was what brought me to the current situation, agitated form standing in front of the others' shocked ones.

"I'm still angry, but need explanation."

They just gaped at me for a few seconds, then looked at each other, as if silently communicating.

A deep sigh left the wolf as he rubbed his nape, gaze firmly planted into the ground by his feet.

"I was the one who called the shots, so if you still wanna be angry at someone by the end of this, let that only be me. The others don't deserve this."

Someone else wanted to interject, but his sharp glare was all it took to quickly shoot them down.

"While yes, you did need the check-up if you wanted to remain here, which is something we all wanted before you think anything else, your recent injuries were urgent. We did have our theories after you didn't really look to be in pain, but they were confirmed after the visit. You have a dangerously high tolerance for drugs and pain, so you must not’ve noticed the extent of your injuries, but please, believe us when we say they were severe. You became almost blind to your left eye, for the sake of-!  Sigh  But this still doesn't justify what we-, I did. I apologise, from the bottom of my heart."

I could only stare at his bowing form, the others following in suit. Something tightly constricted in my chest, something that started at the beginning of his speech. What it was, I had no clue.

A shaky breath left my form, my fists clenched and gaze dropping.

"It hurt."

The silence was deafening.

"I thought… I thought I could start to trust you. That I- was safe here… Why? It hurt so much." - as if the constricting band snapped in half, my chest became lighter and I just stood there as tears slowly cascaded down my face, hands uselessly hovering mid-air.

Nobody came near me, my body both happy and sad about it, a part of me already used to their warmth and comforting touches. It tore a violent sob out of my chest.

I was so tired of all this.

Of not being normal, not being able to enjoy someone's presence or touches. I wanted to be normal again! Not this, this freak!

"Oh baby… You're not a freak."

My sobs froze into my chest as I looked up through my tears, not even realising I spoke out loud.

"Yes, you’re not like the others, but only because you’re hurt. And hurt can be healed and fixed, even if it takes a long time. Maybe not fully, sure, but you can become better with time and care."

The voice of the wolf was soothing, like cold water on a hot summer day.

"But we can only help you if you let us."

The gaze of the little herbivore was equally warm.

"Please, Bae Hyung, let us help you."

The young feline's voice was broken, but it held so much strength it shook my soul.

And while the last member only nodded along and spoke nothing, his body posture and gaze sang poems, all with the same goal.

It was as if something I had been hauling around for long years got lighter, the weight not impossible to bear anymore. I could clearly hear my walls crumble, the ones I had put up after that day for my own protection. Fresh tears sprang into my eyes, lips trembling.

"Promise? N-no more?"

Even though my broken question couldn't have been any more vague, they all firmly responded, swearing to not let such a thing happen again.

And while yes, I did not forgive them at that moment, I knew it would only take time.

-.-.-

And time it took.

While I did leave my room occasionally, it only happened every few days and for a short time. My body involuntarily shuddered from their close proximity, afraid they would hold me down again and--

I shook my head, the thought bristling my skin, making my hair stand on end.

No, I refused to think about that. Instead, I focused on the scent of the sunlit forest, filled with tropical fruit. A meadow hidden between the tall giants, filled to the brim with mellow flowers, their sweet nectar luring all kinds of beings closer.

Taking a deep breath, the scent filled my lungs and lingered there, as if my organ clinged to it desperately.

A cheerful greeting broke me out of my trance, the source busy in the kitchen turning the place upside down amidst its mission to find snacks.

I didn't even notice I was walking down the hallway, let alone down the stairs, following the strengthening scent of a sweltering, bountiful forest.

Blinking, I nodded back at him, my eyes following his shorter form. Reaching up for a cabinet, his muscles tensed and yet, a pout sat on his lips as he just couldn't quite reach the prize he sought after so desperately.

Calmly striding over, I took the crinkly bag from the upper shelf, the packet having been safely tucked into the corner. After inspecting the bag for a brief second -they were some kind of chips-, I turned around and placed it into his hands, his form strangely frozen and big doe eyes innocently blinking up at me.

But before my head could tilt in confusion, he beamed up at me gratefully, bounding over to the sofa, beckoning me to follow after having fallen into its soft cushions.

A fond sigh left my nose, but I complied to his wishes nonetheless. Soon enough, our separate forms were watching some kind of romance story again -that was all we ever watched-, his arm that held the bag frequently stretched out towards me. A silent offering of food, one I gratefully accepted.

Changbin felt like fire. His presence hot, attention demanding, yet it was always tamed around me. He was a bundle of untamed flames whenever they thought I wasn't around, and still, the inferno was pleasantly warm and grounding. Safe. Like a lit bonfire on a cold winter night.

And I was but a cold, starved animal, undeniably drawn in by its light, yet also afraid of being burnt. Thus, I could only watch from afar, basking in the small wisps of fire that reached my form as the others huddled around it, hungrily devouring its unending heat.

And maybe, maybe I would be able to get closer one day too.

-.-.-

Quietly slinking down the stairs, I looked towards the kitchen where Minho resided, his back turned towards me as he was busy making food.

I purposefully stepped towards the side so he could catch my form in the corner of his eye, not wanting to startle him. My plan worked as he glanced at me while muttering out a short greeting, eyes quickly focusing back on the pot sizzling under the heat.

Taking a deeper breath, its aroma filled my nose, pleasantly tickling my mind and hungry stomach.

As if led by the scent, I walked closer, curious form now dangerously close to his cooking one. I could easily see over his shoulders, my eyes drinking in every move he made, hands gracefully working the pan and the food residing in it.

It was quite mesmerising.

Throughout it all, he never once ushered me away or uttered a word.

Minho felt like the tall grass in an unending meadow. Always there, calmly swaying in the gentle breeze. He didn't speak a lot compared to the others, instead he let his actions do the talking. His occasional words were sometimes harsh, sure, but his actions were always gentle. He was a pillar you could lean on, should you need it.

It was reassuring.

Minho was reassuring.

-.-.-

The wolf was weird. Weird in the way that he tried to hide things, certain feelings behind smiles. His broad shoulders always tense in a way, as if carrying the weight of the world. 

But I could smell it, his pain and exhaustion oozing into his scent, the forest ageing and weeping in return. It unpleasantly twisted my nose, causing my brows to furrow as well.

There were times where he only smelled like sunshine, the trees blooming in happiness as a gentle breeze ruffled their canopy. His face reflected his mood, lips breaking out in a face-splitting smile, dimples on show and gaze glinting.

But at other times his smile didn't quite reach his eyes, the dark orbs seemingly drowning. In what, I did not know.

Compared to Chan's safe, yet chipped presence, the little snow leopard was the exact opposite. The boy wore his heart on his sleeves, his mood usually bright.

Felix was like the burning sun, a star so bright it felt painful to get closer. His presence alone eased the atmosphere, his affectionate touches and hugs making everyone melt in his arms. 

When he was sad, he didn't hide it and instead sought comfort from someone. But just like how clouds never stayed in front of the sun to obstruct it forever, he always bounced back into his cheery self.

Felix was my sunshine, the light in the unending darkness. Chan was my guiding path, leading me away from my past.

I could only fondly gaze at their focused faces as we sat in front of the TV, the artificial light creating shadows on their faces, highlighting every imperfection. Yet I found all of them perfect, my arms folded on the back of the sofa, head laying on top of it to observe them better.

I wanted to carve that moment, them into my memory, into my heart. Desperately wanting my soul to remember every single one of them and their features.

That was when I had suddenly realised, my anger towards them had vanished, just like the cold, white veil over the world.

-.-.-.-

Waking up under the bed in my den early in the day was nothing out of the ordinary. The empty feeling in my gut was, however. I furrowed my brows together, lips setting into a line.

What was this feeling?

It ate away at my very being, as if it was missing something. But I had everything I had gotten over the past months, except maybe a few snacks that had gone missing.

Blindly searching around, I grasped at the 'blanket' and brought it to my chest, hugging it tightly. The motion did little to fill the gaping hole in my chest.

Looking back at it, the feeling was familiar and not at all new. It just wasn't this bad before, or if it was, I did not notice it.

Huffing in frustration, I crawled out and begrudgingly got ready to start the day, even though it clearly wasn't ready to do so itself. The sun wasn't even up, its rays barely peeking over the horizon. I shielded my eyes from it and instead went out of the room quietly.

The house was silent, bathed in dancing shadows. A quick inhale told me all I needed to know, the scent of the human still strongly lingering in the air, meaning they were still in the house. Already knowing they lived on the same floor as me, I quickly made my way down the stairs, steps muted and calculated. I had learned which parts of the wood creaked a long time ago, the motion now automatic for my body.

Not wanting to meet the human by staying at the sofa, I turned towards the hallways hidden by the stairs.

My body automatically led me to a door and stopped in front of it.

Gaze sweeping over the floor, I hesitated. They were probably still sleeping. I didn't want to be a bother, especially since I didn't even know what to say to them. Something along the lines of 'Hey, sorry, I just feel empty and weird inside, can you help?' maybe? Not a chance, nope.

"Hyung?"

My body startled, head whipping towards the side to meet Changbin and his curious gaze on my form, cute, little, round ears twitching in curiosity. I lowered my own ears, embarrassed, not knowing what to say.

Instead of the familiar question of 'Is everything alright?', he just walked towards me -oh he had lighter clothes on, he was probably on his way to train- and knocked on the door. 

Right in front of my frozen face.

Before I could even voice my worry and confusion, he left my panicked form with two hefty pats on my shoulder and a wink. I stepped towards him, mouth open, arms ready to grasp at him–

"Hyung?"

Ah shit.

I immediately closed my mouth, arms falling limply back to my sides as I didn't know how to face the younger. I rubbed at my nape nervously -a habit i had picked up from the wolf accidentally-, looking at the ground. The sweet scent in the air calmed me slightly, just enough to stop me from bolting away in embarrassment.

"What are you doing up so early?" - Felix asked as he rubbed at one of his eyes, voice hoarse and filled with slumber.

"...couldn't sleep."

A soft 'oh' left his mouth, the soft rustling of socks against wood filling the air.

Turning around I saw he had stepped aside, silently inviting me into his room. I felt the other hybrid sooner than I saw him, Chan's form laying on the bed peacefully, still deeply asleep.

I quietly stepped in, the door closing with a soft click behind me. My eyes struggled to adjust to the sudden darkness as I blinked several times, the shuffling form of the young boy soon clear in the room.

He went back to bed and looked at me, a silent question sitting in his gaze. I shook my head, opting to instead sit in his squishy chair that sat on the ground in a corner.

No other word was uttered, but the silence was comfortable. Like a soft fabric of comfort as it lulled us back to sleep -oh, just like a blanket, i get it now-.

I stared at the dark ceiling for a while, the soft snores of the others filling my ears. Soon enough my eyelids felt heavy, consciousness drifting away into the land of dreams and peace. The empty feeling settled down a bit, its presence now only at the back of my mind.

-.-

Soft murmurs woke me up, the room feeling warm and comforting. The scent of a pine forest mixed with sugar wafted in the air; it curled around me like a comforting presence, bringing a small smile to my lips.

The murmurs stopped and I stretched out, head popping up from the squishy chair to look at the two males on the bed.

Chan had a phone in his lowering hand with a smile plastered onto his face, while Felix just giggled, waving at me.

"Good morning baby. How was your sleep?" - the wolf's pleasant voice asked, deeper than usual as sleep still clung to it slightly.

I only nodded back, hand still rubbing the sleep from my eyes with little success.

"I still can't believe how you can just fit on that bean bag like that. And you even looked like you had the best sleep in the whole house!" - laughed out Felix as my cheeks felt a tad bit hotter at his comment. "I think it's cute, but do come sit with us, it's comfier up here." - Chan cooed, hand patting the blanket near him.

My lips pursed, ears tilting slightly behind, but I complied and sat at the end of the bed, gaze not meeting their forms as my cheeks still felt warm.

"How’s your arm, baby?"

I looked at the limb in question, the cast weighing it down. My lips turned down at the mere thought of it. I found the thing incredibly annoying and frustrating. I couldn't do things freely as it sat heavily there and I couldn't even enjoy baths anymore like how I used to -fully submerged in water-. This stupid thing was driving me nuts.

"Irritating. When can it be free?" - my husky voice answered, slightly better sounding from the little talking I had done lately.

"Ah, the doc did say it should be checked on again soon." "Yep, today to be exact."

My eyes widened as I whipped my head towards Chan, form tensing. Before I could do anything more, he held up his hands and explained in panic.

"No, no, don't worry, it will be different. He will only come in a few hours and you can choose to take some calming medicine or not. The choice is up to you entirely. The doc only needs to check how you are healing and if everything's good, he might even be able to take your cast off."

Looking into their eyes, I could only see sincerity. My form relaxed a bit, mind running around with choices.

I really didn't want to meet a human, but the chance to get this thing off was too great to ignore.

Fuck.

Sighing, I slowly nodded.

Their expressions eased up at that, the little leopard hovering his hand above mine. I didn't move away, the void in my chest happy as the feline gently grasped onto my limb.

The atmosphere settled back into its previous serene self, the two hybrids chatting calmly with each other. I had to give credit to them, they tried their best to get me involved as well so I gave them short answers, my hurting throat letting me do only so much.

As I watched them animatedly speak I caught a whiff of a savoury scent in the air, my stomach gently gurgling in response. The two chuckled at that, but I cared not as I stood up and waited for them by the door.

"Yes yes, we’re coming." - said the wolf, his tone light and teasing.

The leopard bundled up next to me energetically, his spotted tail playfully curling around in place as we waited for the older canine.

Finally gathered together, I opened the door and hastily walked into the big room from the hallway, Minho's back facing us.

The others greeted each other loudly and sat at the table to chat, all the while I made my way to the cooking cat, hovering behind his busy form like usual.

I could hear the others whisper about us, about me, things like 'He looks so cute, like a lost puppy following its parent.', but it didn't bother me at the moment. I was too busy watching Minho work his magic, the air smelling delicious.

His hands worked precisely with the knife, ingredients cut perfectly into the shapes he desired. The pans and pots were filled up and moved over the fire, then quickly pulled off once their contents were ready and done. He danced around the kitchen with scary efficiency, hands knowing exactly where to reach for certain ingredients or equipment.

Being done, he plated the food and asked me to help bring them over to the table, so I did. I must have been too absorbed in watching the chestnut-haired feline work, because Changbin was already back at the table in a fresh set of clothes, the air around him smelling clean with a hint of menthol. I quickly greeted him with an apology as well, but he just shrugged it aside calmly, saying it was fine.

Leaving it at that, I put the plates down and sat in my place, the colourful presence of the medicines not escaping my gaze. They sat there beside my glass of water clearly, forms not hidden at all.

I really did have the choice.

My working hand clenched around itself, my jaw firm. While the medicine did remind me of the past, it also did not. The ones they used were plain, usually white or worse, in the form of an injection. These ones were yellow and red, colours blaringly loud and playful in a way.

Turning my gaze towards the warm food, I forced my body to relax a bit, wanting to focus on eating as I rethought my choices and decision.

My ears turned towards whoever was speaking -more like shouting and bickering- as I ate , a silent participant of the conversation. I was much more comfortable just seeing them fool around, stealing each other's food -never mine though, how strange- and laughing around like fools.

Happy fools.

The chopsticks gently clanked against the plate as I finished eating. My hands played with the pills before quickly popping them into my mouth, forcing them down with some water.

The effect wasn't immediate at all, no, that was instead the silence as the others stared at me. I just raised an eyebrow at that, not understanding, since they were the ones who put them there.

"Ooh, this will be interesting." - Minho said with a smirk crawling onto his lips, hand already equipping his phone. "No!" - I shouted, reaching over but missing as he moved the object away way too quickly.

I quickly stood up to reach his hand better, but the walls were already moving and my balance was shifting rapidly. I held my head, groaning, the eye I didn't cover up shifting as the world around me moved and writhed.

I quickly sat back down, a curse leaving my lips as I just laid my forehead on the table, covering my head up with my arms.

"Hyung, you're fine. Don't hide." - sang the deep voice of Felix. I merely tightened my hold, not trusting what came out of my mouth as my head started filling up with cotton, judgement already starting to leave my form.

"Felix, you know well enough that's a lie." - snickered Minho at my expense. "Yes, but come on mate! Don't be such a meanie!" "Oh I’m not. I would be, if I put these videos up onto the internet. Now that I say it, that’s a good idea." "Guys, calm down. Nobody puts anything anywhere.  Sigh  I worded that wrong…"

Amidst the chaos, I looked up and searched for the only quiet person, asking him for help with the last of my coherent thoughts. "Don't look at me, I quite enjoyed how you praised my biceps last time." That was his only answer with a big grin, cheeks splitting apart from the bright smile that sat upon his face. What a menace.

I let my head fall back against the table, the cutlery clanking loudly against each other and partly masking the groan that left my lips. The pressure it brought to my skull did little to help with the ache and numbness.

There it was, the fog over my brain, the disgustingly good mood taking control over the place against my wishes.

I looked up from the table, chin propped up on it as my eyes followed the swirling patterns in the room, various shapes drawing out in them with every passing second. Someone ruffled my hair, the action earning a delighted sound from my throat, tail swaying happily behind me.

Looking around after taking a deep breath that drew a small smile on my face, I saw the others standing up and leaving towards the sofa. Not wanting to be left out, I followed them, falling onto Binnie who laid on the plush surface. He laughed and wiggled around until he found a comfortable enough position with me laying on top of his much smaller form.

Our legs were picked up and placed onto Minho's lap, while Chan and Felix sat on his other side, all snuggled up. I could feel a tickling sensation on my foot, causing me to wiggle around and whine. The perpetrator -Chan, of course it was him- only giggled, not leaving my poor feet alone for a good minute or so. Felix joined in at some point, that little weasel.

After having recovered from the impromptu tickle session, I relaxed back into a comfortable position -to my defence, Binnie was surprisingly comfortable-. My tail laxly laid on the chocolate-coated feline's knees, twitching as he put a hand on the back of my knee. I thought nothing of it and buried my head into Binnie's chest, the position dangerously pleasant.

Lino's hand kept moving upwards throughout the movie, now resting on my thigh. I flicked up my tail in warning, his hand stopping in place.

A blaring sound rang throughout the house, one I was vaguely familiar with.

Sniffing the air, I picked up a human's scent and my fogged up mind reminded me that the doctor had arrived at last. I completely forgot about it in the euphoria of the moment.

Feeling the hybrid shifting around under me, I tightened my hold, not wanting to get up just yet. Or at all, really.

"Bae hyung, you have to get up. The doctor's here." "Well he can check me over like this."

Laughter filled the place as Binnie sputtered, but settled back down nonetheless. Pink dusted his cheeks, round little ears lowered in embarrassment and I couldn’t help myself, I just had to reach up and pet one of them. Just for a little bit.

Sure enough, the doctor didn't put up a fight when he saw my hold on the buff male. He checked as much as he could of my injuries, my shirt pushed up to my neck as he prodded around on my back. I only felt numb pulling sometimes, something cool spreading around my skin, the air not hitting it anymore as something was placed on top of it at several places. 

But then the human asked me to sit up and my serene mood was broken, Binnie's hand stopping from painting soft circles into my arm. I simply turned my head away, not willing to change positions.

"Baby, come here."

At that soothing voice I looked up, seeing Channie pat the place next to him on the sofa. I sat up after a few seconds, sitting where he wanted me to and leaning into him.

The doctor followed my form and first looked at my head. It was uncomfortable to have him so near me, to have him push my hair away slightly. Doing something similar to what he did to my back, he then asked me to open my mouth. I furrowed my brows, but complied anyway.

If him prodding around my head was uncomfortable, this was straight up hell. He looked down my throat and even touched around my neck, checking my reactions. The only reason I stayed put with a frown was because of Channie and Felix with their small, encouraging gestures.

"Keep up what you've been doing so far, his throat is looking a bit better. Given time, it can completely recover." - the human said, earning a few 'Okay's from the others.

Then the human took my heavy arm in his hands, asking questions like 'Does it hurt?' or 'Is it uncomfortable?'. I shook my head in answer, the thing on it only annoying and binding.

In the next second the wolf led my head into his neck, careful fingers carding through my hair, as my sight was obstructed now. The notion was sudden, but I relished in it nonetheless.

A weird sound filled the air as I felt things shift around my arm, but I was too comfortable to move or care. His scent filled my being and I could feel my form running around in the moss covered trees, dirt kicking up beneath my paws. It felt freeing, as if I had nothing to worry about.

"There, his arm is completely healed and as good as new. But to be safe, make sure he doesn't use it as much for the next week." "Thank you doctor, we will make sure to do so." - his voice hummed through his throat pleasantly in response. "Don't be so uptight boys, I don't bite. You can be casual around me if you want to, you already know that." - the human joked around, some of the others joining in.

"Ah, but we do need to do what we talked about last time. Could you…?"

The human trailed off and so did the soothing motion from the wolf. I lifted my head up from his shoulder, confusedly looking at him with my swimming vision.

"Ah, don't worry baby, everything is fine. Why don't you sit in my lap, that way you don't have to twist your torso around so uncomfortably."

He did have a point, so my fogged up, elated mind happily agreed and did as he asked. I crawled into his awaiting embrace, body sideways, one leg propped up and squished between our bodies. My back hunched and bent so I could rest my head near his neck once again, but even with all of that, it was comfortable.

Safe.

One of his hands held my back firmly, the other resuming the soothing motion on my head. I was vaguely aware of my tail happily wagging around, the others settling down around us as well.

I buried my head deeper into his neck, their scents dancing around in my nose and enhancing my drugged up state.

I felt one of my sleeves shift, a prickling sensation on my skin. Something poked around in my mind, telling me it was awfully familiar, but I didn't know why, the fog too obstructing. Nonetheless, I wanted to check it out but as my head shifted, so did Channie's hold on me.

It tightened slightly, desperately, the forest now damp and in disarray.

I didn't like that at all, so I laid back down as I ignored the second sting on my arm, the forest’s scent settling down slowly.

It took around 6 stings and for my tail to stop swaying for the doctor to finish.

"Alright boys, I will come back in a month to finish this up and check if his back and head is still healing fine. So far he’s healing up incredibly fast and nothing seems wrong, so don't worry. If something comes up, you know how to reach me."

They all thanked him and exchanged goodbyes, everyone escorting the human away except Channie, as I was still laying in his hold calmly.

My body felt a bit sluggish, consciousness trying to dip away as I had to jank it back forcefully, not wishing to sleep just yet. Although my cosy position was not helping with that sudden exhaustion either, the safe feeling almost lulling me to sleep in itself.

"Is he asleep?" "Naur, but soon enough. The medicines must’ve really tired him out." "He seemed tired already this morning, he really needs this rest." "Ah, is that why you knocked on our door for him this morning, Binnie?" "Yeah, caught him standing there for like 3 minutes straight, staring at your door. He looked like a small kid that had a nightmare." "Wait, you guys had a sleepover and I was not invited?" "Oh come on Minho, don't do this now. Besides, you dislike them and always complain about being kicked or having your blanket stolen." "Because it's true! How would you like to wake up cold, kicked to the ground, hm?" "Oh you fucki–" "Hey, language!" "Watch your profanity!" "Oh you got the swear police on your ass now, Lixie~" "I swear to god, Minho, I will get you back for this!"

Their arguing mixed with Channie's reverberating chest pushed me over the edge, my mind plunging into darkness at last.

-.-.-

The next few days ran by as I refused to acknowledge what had happened or what I could have done while drugged out of my mind. I did notice my hand was free at least, so maybe it was all worth it. Although everyone kept a closer eye on me, not letting me use my freed up hand much. Or at all, really.

It was stifling.

But it was also weird. Foreign. I was alone for so long, I had forgotten what it felt like to have people beside you. People who cared about you. So as frustrating as it was, I only sighed deeply and followed their wishes.

Besides, the wolf was the one who had been watching me the closest, and I did not want to anger him. The thought alone made me break out in cold sweat.

A bundle of joy broke me out of my thoughts, the little leopard stopping directly in front of me.

"Hyung, do you want to play this new game I got? Everyone else declined, only giving me lame excuses."

Awh, he pouted.

I simply nodded with a small smile, letting his overjoyed self lead me out by my 'good' hand.

"Lix, he can't really use his hand, mate!" - Chan shouted from the kitchen. "No worries, it's a wii game, it can be played with only one hand!" - shouted back the blonde, my ears hurting from the loud voice. "Ah, sorry, I forgot." - he immediately whispered to me, guilt taking over his features.

I simply shook my head, grating out an 'It's fine.' in the process.

Soon enough I found myself in his room -he always shared it with someone, but so did the others, i noticed, as they often slept in a big pile of limbs all together-, instructed to sit on his bed while he got this 'game' thing set up. I had no clue what it was, but he looked so happy about it I just couldn't say no to him.

He plopped down next to me, a thing similar to the remote sat in his hands, eyes facing towards the TV in his room. Looking at it, the colours stopped shifting and some music started playing.

Lixie turned towards me, the smile on his face seemingly endless as he started pointing out the different parts of this remote. What 'button' did what and so on. I nodded along, trying my best to remember the onslaught of information.

Then, he pressed START and the 'game' began.

-.-

"Nooooooo, how’s this possible?? You just learned what a video game is 3 hours ago and you already beat me 11 times in a row! Hyung, you're cheating!" - the boy pouted, absolutely losing his mind over the situation. "... Sorry?" "That just makes it even worse, you didn't even do it on purpose! Aaagh, damn it!"

The cute leopard held his hair in frustration, angry little noises leaving his smaller form. His spotted tail was lashing out, but still playful to indicate his hidden mood.

He was adorable, I wanted to hug him.

My form froze, muscles tense.

What did I just think about?

Looking back at the young boy's form, the same urge bubbled up now tenfold. 

I gulped.

It would be fine.

He was not them, nor him.

He was just Lixie, my sunshine and comforting light.

Yes, it would be fine. I… would be fine.

My shaking hands slowly rose, snaking their way towards the boy sitting slightly in front of me. They grabbed onto his thin -way too thin- waist and slowly dragged him into my chest, arms locking him in place gently. His sputtering and shouting died midway, form utterly tense and frozen.

Maybe he didn't like it.

I panicked, arms quickly unwinding, but before I could fully detach myself, he laid back into me with all his weight, quiet little purrs reverberating in his chest. His tail coiled around one of my legs, a silent disagreement against my doubts.

It was fine.

I was fine.

So, I carefully tightened my hold on him with slightly shaking arms, one of them finding its way into his golden locks, numbly playing with them as a distraction. God, they were incredibly smooth and silky, my fingers sailing through them easily. The purrs only strengthened, the notion calming and reassuring, filling up the void residing in my chest rapidly at last.

We just laid there even as the feline's breathing slowed, soft snores breaking his neverending purring. Even as my eyelids felt heavy and my body laid against the upper part of the bed, I fought fruitlessly against sleep.

I wanted to enjoy the moment just a bit longer.

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅⋅•⋅⋅⋅•∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

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[emptyheadwriting]

Cherish Me Before I Perish, Please- Wednesday Addams x Reader

Warnings-Angst, Sad stuff, no happy ending.

Word Count-2.5 k

Authors note: Do not suffer in silence, it is not worth it my friends.

--

When you started your relationship with Wednesday you did your best to be accommodating, focusing wholeheartedly on her needs and the limits she had set, willing to do whatever it took to make it work.

Never reaching for her hand in public settings, accepting her barely there compliments as if they were made of gold, and forcing yourself to be okay with the few moments you got to spend together each day, that you also had to seek out, otherwise, there would be no moments.

You always heard that love was a two-way street and that there was a lot of give and take, so you convinced yourself that you were simply a faster driver and you did not need anything in return for all that you were willing to give lulling yourself into the belief that she would eventually pay it forward.

You watched throughout your years together at Nevermore as she obsessed over mystery after mystery, never once filling you in, despite your asking. You looked passed her probing when you became the target of her investigations. Telling yourself that it didn’t sting as much as your brain told you it did because you were an open book anyway. Willing to bear your deepest secrets, fears, and ambitions to her, gaining no deeper look within her character.

An ember of hope even sparked up inside your slowly dimming eyes when she mentioned that Enid had given her a phone, if she was as fond of the written word as she seemed to be surely texting would be easier.

The fire never had a chance to burn, smothered within a day.

You had written out a good morning text, carefully curated to the specifications of what you considered to be the flavor of her love, going as far as to use multiple spelling and grammar checkers to be sure it was perfect and scheduled it to be sent the very minute she woke up. You figured within the two hours that you would still be asleep, she would write back, perhaps express an appreciation for it.

You woke up with a buzz, a smile on your lips, and emotions fluttering with anticipation. Until of course, you flipped your phone over, the smile fading as you scrolled through the notifications then desperately opened your messages only to see that it had been read two minutes after she woke up, but there was no response. Your roommate had described the look on your face as the single most heartbreaking expression they had ever seen. Yet you pushed on with the relationship through to after graduation.

Wednesday had gone off to college studying forensics in pursuit of becoming a bloodstain splatter analyst, you followed willingly as neither of you had even made the slightest indication that your relationship had ended. The Addams family had purchased a cabin for the two of you not too far off from her school.

With Wednesday focused on her studies, you cared for the home between your projects. You had made a comfortable name for yourself as an artist, you were thankful that there was a spare room for you to work in. Living together brought back the small oxygen-choked flame, you woke up together every morning, shared every meal, bathed together, and spent your spare time together sitting on the couch in the living area with classical music floating around the wooden building.

It was one of those very evenings that Wednesday had pulled your hand out from under the confines of your heavy blanket and wordlessly slid a ring onto your finger and lifted her hand to display her own. “Forever” she whispered as she captured your lips in a chaste kiss. That was enough to reel you back in, not even the way she dismissed a proper wedding at your questioning as “a ceremony to display our affections in front of family members who will only discuss our undoing with a facade of goodwill at our cost” could damper your mood as you brought her closer to you for the rest of the night and you melted at the way she allowed you to.

You took to being a spouse well, you decorated the house in her light, and held hour-long phone calls with her parents to learn of any customs you had been skipping out on and recipes they knew she loved. You lived for the slightest look of approval in her eyes as they scanned over a new decoration and the smallest of upturns on the points of her lips at the taste of a childhood dish.

It did enough to satisfy your craving for her affection for the first year of the promised forever, but there were only so many decorations you could find in her style and only so many recipes you could master until her well of approval and curved lips ran dry. Your anniversary had passed silently, your celebration being a warm bath together in silence with a glass of wine apiece.

Morticia had called the morning after to ask about it, always interested in her daughter’s love life knowing she could squeeze more from you than she ever could from Wednesday. The two of you spoke as you sketched a piece, you spoke of how you were struggling to find new things that your wife would like to see on her walls and recipes from the family cookbook you had borrowed.

“Oh darling” Morticia sighed softly as she read through the laugh you had let out after your comment hoping to mask the pain, “while I’m sure Gomez would approve of your complete devotion to making everything about Wednesday, it is your home as well and you deserve to leave your mark on it just as much as she does,” she said sadly as she met your eyes through the crystal ball and watched as your composure cracked ever so slightly, holding just enough for you to dismiss yourself with an excuse of needing to meet a deadline, stumbling over your words.

It was the worst thing you had ever heard, a confirmation from someone else, someone who knew more about love than anyone else ever would or could no less, that you were a ghost in your own home. Your presence was invisible to anyone who did not know you lived there.

It broke you.

To the point that you spent the rest of the day sobbing into your bare pillow, you had messily removed its pitch black case as you did not need to be reminded that Wednesday’s mark was the only thing in your home, your thoughts focused on which of the many things you had not hung up or had not cooked you would do first.

Until you heard the gate alarm ring and you stood, wiping your face and walking downstairs to greet Wednesday at the door as you always did, and your heart stung as she paid no mind to your puffy eyes and disheveled hair, simply dragging her hand across your hip in passing before she walked upstairs.

The next few months were an intense one-sided struggle. As you did your best to place your mark on the house, one day you would put up a decoration of your chosen theme but due to her passing glare of disdain, it would be gone the next day and you would watch intensely as her eyes shifted to where it was and while she would say nothing you could see the pleasant look within her dark orbs. One night you would cook a meal you had grown up on, excited to share a meal of your culture with her until she ate it as if she was just going through the motion, paying no mind to the story of how it became one of your favorites, the leftovers were thrown away and you were left feeling embarrassed.

The time spent together after her arrivals faded during that time as well. What was once nights sat next to each other on the couch became nights where she would go to sleep early and leave you alone on the couch stewing in your thoughts until it no longer felt right to sleep, instead you would pour your heart out into your art and sleep while she was gone during the day.

None of that had pushed you passed your breaking point. It all hurt but there were still moments you could clutch on to, it was not until she broke a promise did you completely collapse.

Your birthday and Valentine’s Day had passed with little fanfare and your anniversary was quickly approaching. The two of you were out to town to meet her parents for dinner, window shopping as a way to kill time before the reservation. Your hands were linked one of the things that kept your hope alive if this were years ago the two of you would walk side by side barely brushing against each other.

You had come to an abrupt stop outside a craft store you had never visited, as most of your art supplies came from the same place they did when you first got serious about your work, like most artists you had a trusted process and had no interest in changing it. Yet there was something so alluring about the watercolor palette on display in the window that you were convinced it would be worth the risk, nearly marching into the store before you felt a tug backward. “Come love I would like to get this evening with my parents wrapped up sooner rather than later, I will get you the palette for our anniversary,” she said as she attempted to walk away.

You stubbornly stood still, lips downturned in a frown as you held up your pinky expectantly. There was that smile you yearned for forming on her lips as she closed the gap between you, linking her pinky with yours and leaning in to kiss your neck softly with a promise whispered against your skin.

You were positively giddy throughout dinner, happily sharing stories of your work while you held hands with Wednesday under the table the whole time.

Like all the things that had recaptured the hope for your loved one to cherish you, it was fleeting. The day of your anniversary came and you could not help but go all out, two years into forever you thought to yourself, there was improvement on the horizon you swore as you prepared. You had put on your favorite attire, carefully wrapped your two gifts to her, cooked her favorite dish, and set the candle-lit dinner with a skull centerpiece before she got home.

You heard the alarm gate and like the conditioned lover you were, you excitedly stood by the door, greeting her with a kiss on the hand, as you whispered happy anniversary against her pale skin, yet you felt her muscles tense as her eyes scanned the dimly lit house. Black rose petals littered the floor, candlelight emanated from the dining room, and she could not help but tense as she knew she was in the wrong, walking into this beautiful dutifully crafted evening empty-handed.

You both knew she was in the wrong as you sat across from each other wordlessly eating, your polite smile doing well to hide the aching of your heart and the cracking of your spirit. You both knew she was in the wrong as you followed the petals up the stairs and into an awaiting warm bath. You both knew she was wrong as she opened the first gift you had gotten her, it was a human skull albeit a fake one that you had hand-carved a raven and the Addams family crest into. You both knew she was wrong as she read the accompanying letter that spoke about how glad you were that she was yours and that her family had welcomed you in seamlessly. You both knew she was wrong as she opened the second gift, it was a portrait of the two of you in gothic clothing, you were sitting down in a chair with a trademarked Wednesday glare painted on your face, and she stood with her hand on your shoulder, the other holding your heart. You both knew she was wrong as she read the second letter that explained the painting, you wrote of how you did your very best to adopt her mannerisms and anything else that would make her comfortable and about how she would always have your heart.

You

Both

Knew

And yet it was only eating away at you.

So you stood after you didn’t receive a thank you or an apology, and marched down the stairs tears starting to moisten your cheeks with each step of descent. You hid inside your studio quickly, stripping off your fancy attire in favor of overalls and you slid down the walls releasing a heart-wrenching sob followed by a broken laugh that echoed in the room around you.

Wednesday took her time to follow you, sat on the bed looking at your gifts and at your letters silently until her vision blurred, salty tears sneaking their way out of her eyes. When she finally stood from her spot yearning for your presence she looked for it everywhere.

You were not present in the bedroom, its appearance had her name written all over it. You were not present in the decorations that littered the walls, no, there was no color, no happiness, just small collections of bones, preserved black flowers, and diagrams. You were not present in the smell of the house, no it smelled only of the family manor she grew up in and it sent a chill down her spine, how could you have lived here for two years and be a ghost to all of her senses.

When she entered your studio, she watched as you flinched away from her, not able to stop the sobbing or wrenching laughter spilling from your lips. This, this is where you contained all your presence she noted, paint littered the floor, house plants grew proudly in their pots, and projects lined the walls.

There right above you, she took great notice of a series of pieces. Self-portraits. There you were in your Nevermore uniform, eyes shining brightly with a toothy smile. There you were in your graduation gown, hope swirling in your eyes and you smiled wide. There you were at your first art gallery, she frowned at that one, your eyes held pride but there was hurt lacing them, and the small businesslike smile confirmed it and she remembered that look from when she told you she would not attend. Then finally there you were or what was meant to be you was there, she could only make out your eyes and lips, both downtrodden.

It only hurt more when she realized the reference picture that was under each one, she had broken you down over the years and there it was painted and captured in photos,

Forever.

“I will never be like my mother” a phrase she repeated often when it came to love, floated around her mind as she slid down next to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders with a sob of her own.

If only she knew she would be so much worse,

Forever.

—

Part 2

[divinolenta]

one last time

diluc x gender neutral reader, angst/sfw

additional notes: uh randomly hurt myself by thinking of this right as i was about to sleep so here it is! my writing never turns out as good as the initial idea i swear...for this i would recommend listening to "the swan" by saint-saen. just a heads-up, starting tomorrow, i won’t be able to post as often as i’m going to be busier.

word count: 1,272

the winery, once busy and raucous, is now quiet as diluc prepares to close for the night.

you remain at the bar, finger tracing over the rim of your untouched drink, deep in contemplation.

you're jolted out of thought when fingers ghost against your hand, and diluc lets out an apologetic hum as he takes the glass from you.

silence descends once again, and you sigh softly, standing up, the stool screeching against the floor. it's time to go.

before you can make your way to the door, diluc speaks up from behind the bar, almost timidly. "when are you leaving?"

you offer him a melancholic smile. "tomorrow at dawn."

duty calls you to a far-away nation, and you have no choice but to obey. it meant endless exploring and adventuring, but you had to leave behind mondstadt, a place you had come to love dearly, along with close friends. a bittersweet opportunity, indeed.

"have you thought of staying?" the desperation in his voice is fleeting, but it’s there and you hear it.

"it’s not a choice, diluc, and you know best out of everyone."

he goes silent, but the way his jaw is clenching lets you know that he's frustrated. carefully placing down the glass that he was drying, diluc steps toward you.

you stiffen. out of everything, diluc is the only one who ties you so strongly to mondstadt. should you have guarded your heart more closely?

"it really is goodbye, then." he whispers, eyes cast down. you frown, reaching out to comfort him, but your hand hesitates, lingering, before retracting.

"before i leave, lets dance. one last time." you utter. not only to lighten the somber mood, but to remember fond memories, when you first met diluc at a masquerade ball a year ago. only a year with diluc, how cruel the gods were, to call you away so soon.

a hint of a smile surfaces, and he nods, offering you his hand. you grin, placing yours in his. diluc pulls you closer to him, and his hand lays on your waist while the other grasps your hand tightly, like you were grains of sand, destined to always slip through.

swaying gently, the only sound is the rustling of fabric as you automatically fall into the rhythm of a waltz, and you start to sing a familiar melody, lilting notes that are like honey to his ears.

diluc twirls you, and you laugh giddily. you wish for this moment to never end, to spend the rest of eternity in his arms.

yet, moments like these always end. moments that fill you with joy, like watching the sun shine, clouds breaking to show cerulean sky. however, the sun will disappear behind dark and foreboding clouds again, and all that's left is only the faintest memory, only a shadow of its former beauty.

diluc stills, and pulls your body flush against his, leaning his forehead against your shoulder. you blink back tears, dreading the inevitable goodbye.

"it's getting late" you murmur, lifting a hand to touch his cheek. diluc looks up, and you're enraptured by the intensity of his eyes. deep crimson, the colour representing the fiery passion of his very being, the passion that he's loved you with.

diluc is left vulnerable in your presence, and as you stare in his eyes, you hate to know that he's shattering into a million of pieces, and that it's because of you.

he's your anchor, the one you look for to seek shelter from the tumultuous world, to pull you back to reality, so when his eyes gloss over with tears, you find yourself unsteady, drowning in despair.

you're leaving. just like everyone in his life has. diluc should hate you with venomous intent, but all he feels is bitter sorrow, and all he wants to do is forgive you.

diluc presses his forehead to yours. "stay with me." he begs, and you break at how desperate he sounds. he wants you to stay but you can't, and he knows that.

tears begin to fall, and you feel like someone is squeezing your heart, twisting it viciously. it hurts so much, you shake, and grip his coat with trembling fingers to steady yourself.

your lips nudge against his from the proximity of your faces, and diluc captures them feverishly. you taste the saltiness of tears but you're not sure if it's from yours or his.

his kisses convey what he can't. stay with me, please. i love you. don't leave me.

he kisses you like his life depends on you, because it's true. if you leave, he'll be lost to the turmoil of his thoughts, alone to hopelessly claw through memories, sift through his past and climb that ominous mountain to confront the truth. he needs you, just like how people need oxygen to survive.

diluc pulls away, breathless, and he's a mess, but even so, you find him captivating. you reach to cup his face, eyes roving over his features. tears have dried on his porcelain skin, and his lips are swollen from kissing you senseless, but he's still so beautiful.

you want to brand his face into your memory, never wanting to forget the exact shade of his eyes, the way his hair curls, or the curve of his mouth.

slowly, diluc sinks to the ground, too shaky to stand. you follow him, pulling him into your chest as you stroke his hair. he's so strong yet fragile, and for a brief second, you wish diluc has never met you, to save him from this.

"i could write you letters everyday." you mention meekly, but the attempt at comforting him is futile, because diluc knows just as well as you, know that letters will only be a temporary solution.

what comes after letters? after the initial feelings of loneliness and longing, all that would be left of your relationship would be faded memories of times that would no longer be significant to either of you.

he lifts his head, eyes boring into yours insistently. "it's no use." he whispers, and your heart sinks at how defeated he sounds. just like that, he’s given up, knowing that destiny has called, guiding you further and further away from him. 

maybe it’s meant to be. 

his lips curve into a tentative smile as he brushes his fingers against your cheek. "i love you."

your eyes fill with tears at the sheer adoration in his voice. you shake your head, fingers clasping around his wrist, as you lean into the warmth of his hand. "please don't." your voice cracks, and diluc falters.

"i love you." he repeats, more firmly this time.

"i love you too." you answer, slumping against him. diluc holds you, not a word escaping as you simply bask in each other's company, cherishing the little time you have left together.

you want to grow old with him, quit adventuring so you can work at the winery with him and share his burden, enjoying the security of having a home, where you can always return to. you want to travel the world with him by your side, fingers intertwined, just as how you’ve given each other your hearts and trusted the other not to break it. you want to hold him as you sleep and wake up every morning and know that he’s next to you, sleeping soundly. 

alas, it’s too late to regret everything, too late to let yourself get lost in wistful thoughts when you’ve already made your decision. 

as the moon continues its steady climb into the sky, you stay there, in diluc's arms, hearts united, one last time.

[insufferablelust]

THE ARTIST AND HIS MUSE (v)

Hi lovely people! it’s me again with the fifth installment of TAAHM, hopefully y’all enjoy this, as always thank you for your support, and excuse the grammatical errors. As i said before, this story is dark themed, so it can get triggering to some people, please read the warning, and read at your own risk.

WARNINGS : BEWARE DARK FIC. SMUT, Angst to the max, Mental Illness (PTSD, with severe anxiety and depression), Some Fluff, hints/mention of Suicide (doesn’t happen), Psychological abuse (in flashbacks), over sensitivity (both sexual and non sexual), hints of Masochism, Anxiety attack, Soft raw tender moments, aaand thats it.

———————

A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. —Pearl S. Buck.

———🍃———

Little did they know, that night is going to be the beginning of a roller coaster ride.

———//———

It was already late when she opened her eyes the next day, her soft sigh occupied the quiet room as she scanned for the one person she craved the most, biting her lips at the cold left side of the bed sheet. However, he’s kind enough to leave the only thing she could reminisce about last night in a form of a long letter note he left on her night table, written with purple ink,

“Good Morning Y/N,

I hope you’re feeling well, although knowing how anxious you can get, i know your mind would wander off and we don’t want that. If you can remember what i said, then good but if you can’t, i said that i left because it’s more convenient for the both of us, not because i don’t want to be with you. Believe me, watching you sleep right now really put an image inside my memory that i’ll never forget, you’re so beautiful.

I hope you don’t mind, but i put on Debussy on your vinyl right now. I want you to know that we’ll still talk about it, preferably today, maybe we can go have dinner unless we have a case. There are things i never got the chance to say, and i think its time i finally tell you, later.

As for your past, we’ll also talk about that too. But i want you to not worry— yes i’m disappointed still, but i know why you did what you did. We’ll figure out a way.

Lastly, please take care.

Spencer R.”

By the time she had finished reading, her internal being is overflowing with emotions, dangerous ones that she won’t be able to control and she knows this. Her eyes teared up at the sight of ‘Classical Lover Etiquettes’ cued up on her record player. Her legs were incredibly sore, as much as her thighs and arms. There was just so much that’s happening, so much to feel, and she needed to escape.

Her feet dragged her to the balcony, inhaling the scent of life, breathe in heavily as she hoped— cross her fingers hoping to die that the amount of oxygen would be able to drown her from all the confusion, even more so the horrors that started to flows back in. Spencer opened a large deep wound that she had buried a long time ago, and then he showed her the way to paradise. He confuses her as much as she probably confuses him.

She wanted to apologize for being complicated, wanted to get on her knees again and show him how much she needs a savior right now; someone to love, and cherish to get her mind off of the horrible things in the past. She wants him to know that he can help her, by guiding her like he did the night before, by owning her like he said the night before, by loving her like he promised. She needs to be devoted to him, she would do anything for him.

She knows how damaged she is on the inside, she put up a persona every day so people could believe that she’s alive. But the only time she ever felt alive was with Spencer. The only time she ever wished she’s not complicated is when she’s with Spencer, His name consumed her like the opiates she used to take. He owned her soul already and she’s not letting that go. Even if the world stands in her way. She deserves this, this pure thing for once.

So she cried, hard. Hard enough for her neighbors to hear, to check up on her, but she wasn’t listening, she stayed crouched down in her balcony, her vision was blurry and she can’t think of anything— only Spencer.

“Spencer..” was the only thing she remembered saying before she witnessed darkness and drowsiness penetrate her eyes as well as her other senses— sending her to sleep.

———————————

Y/N didn’t even flinched when her father’s screams once again filled her ears, telling her how she doesn’t belong, she isn’t supposed to be here, isn’t supposed to exists. She could smell the strong scent of alcohol from his mouth, clouding her senses, but she refused to give in and cry, in fact she doesn’t feel a thing. Moreover, she’s just bored, her father never got violent with her, never laid a hand on her, neither does her step mother— well not when he’s around anyways.

By the age of 9, Y/N already knew what kind of man her father was, the kind that doesn’t want to admit reality, he’s a violent genius who works in the dark, with barriers covering all sides of his life. He never hurt Y/N physically, like he always claimed. But 12 years of psychological torture will fuck you up, she thought. She lived in isolation, and darkness where the only things she knew.. were alcohol, math, abuse, impending death, and screams.

She doesn’t have anyone related that’s nice to her, enough to shield her from all the abuse. The only person that could bring her peace is Mr. Bones, one of her father’s men. He always looked out for her, he gave her hope ever since she was old enough to know that being told you were never meant to be alive was not okay.

“I apologize, papa. It won’t happen again, I swear it.”

Her eyes stayed on the ground as she feels the warmth of his palm so close to her cheek, she yelled in her mind— her mind telling her to scream at the old bastard to “Hit me!”

“Hit me!”

“Make it hurt!”

“HIT ME!”

——

Y/N felt a jolt, her eyes searching for signs of where she might be but she can’t seem to open her eyes, the smell— is clean like iodine, the next thing she felt was the rough yet strangely comfortable sheets that grazes against her skin, And then she heard the talk, someone’s talking.. She recognized the voice well, so well like its imprinted deep in her soul, She tried to open her eyes.. yet she keeps on missing.

“S-she— i found her pale.. she was so pale and cold.. “ Spencer! her mind screamed, that’s Spencer.

“Spencer!” She tried to yell, but still nothing,

“Spencer please!” Nothing.

“What did her neighbor said?” Hotch!

“Hotch please i’m awake!”

“She was screaming, and they found her clutching her shirt tightly, she was crying and she.. she said my name over and over again, before blacking out.. thats why they called me first after calling 911” Is that true? she has been taking her meds, hasn’t she?

“Did anyone said that she was about to jump or anything like that?”

“No! No! Spencer i’m not suicidal!”

“N-no i don’t know.. Hotch i was with her last night, i should’ve—“

“Please don’t cry! please i’m sorry i love you i won’t do it again!”

“Hey no, she looked like she was having a panic attack. Has she ever mentioned anything about being depressed? or experiencing anxiety attacks maybe?”

“no... no... don’t tell him Spencer, you promised.”

“Stop the silence, Spencer you promised you won’t tell anyone.”

“N-no.. not that i know off.. she wanted company so i stayed with her, we watched movie.”

“Spencer...” She tried again, believing that it won’t work, he won’t hear her, maybe she’s not even here anymore— just floating away from her body. But when she saw his head turned towards her, she sighed contently, letting go of all the burden for a second just to hear him mutter her name in silence and peace.

“Y/N... you’re awake wait let me—“ before he could exit the door, Hotch pulled him back a little, telling him that “It’s okay, let me get the doctor.” Leaving Spencer and her alone.

Her heart rate accelerated as he sat down on the chair next to her, eyes filled with worry and fear— Y/N couldn’t take it, couldn’t bare to see how broken he looks, because she was selfish and complicated, because she was damaged.

“I-i wasn’t... trying to.. jump” Her voice came out laced with fragility, all raw and quiet. She’s trying to tell Spencer that she’s alright, as long as he’s here she’ll be alright. “Don’t.. please don’t blame yourself, it was an anxiety attack, a bad one.”

“Have you been taking your meds?” There it is, the question she has been hoping she wouldn’t have to answer. She looked down at his trembling hands, reaching to grab it but unable to do so because she realized now that she was restrained to the bed.

“Why am i being restrained?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“No Spencer i haven’t! now why am i restrained? i’m not a danger to anyone.” Y/N half yelled with a cracked voice, closing her eyes tightly at the tears that’s threatening to spill out of her eyes.

“Miss Bones, i see that you’re awake now.” Her eyes never leaving the sight of her cuffed wrist, ‘did they honestly thought you were planning on killing yourself?’

“I’m not suicidal, i’m an FBI agent for god’s sake.” The tone of her newfound voice surprised everyone including Spencer.

“Then why were you unconscious on the balcony of your apartment?”

“Because i haven’t been taking my pills! look, i haven’t for years now and i was fine. It was just rush of emotions, and i got overwhelmed okay? doesn’t mean i was going to jump. Believe me thats the last thing i would’ve wanted.” The last bit was a whisper, indicating the raw pain behind it. It was the truth, moments before you passed out you were thinking of Spencer, of how he’s your savior.

“Okay, Agent. We believe you, now why don’t you get some rest, and we’ll have you prescribed for something stronger, meanwhile i’m going to take the cuffs off” The doctor replied gently, except you know he’s not a doctor well he is but he’s a psychiatrist. Great, now everyone think she’s crazy.

——————

After the incident, you rarely talked to anyone on your team not because they don’t want to but because you won’t let them. You’ve caused enough pain, so the last thing you want to see is the pity on their eyes and face, it was nice seeing how they care though— sometimes in the mornings you can hear Garcia and JJ dropping new baskets full of goodies and treats for you to try. Sliding a note underneath your door before leaving.

Hotch insisted you to take a month break, which you would’ve tried to argued but you knew you didn’t stand a single chance. You could’ve lose your job, he could’ve fired you for lying about your psychological problems and endangering yourself but he didn’t, though he wanted you to take the break, and do another psych eval, so you agreed.

The bad thing about not going to work, except the obvious fact that you miss your work family and you missed out on catching men women alike your father and his killer— is not seeing Spencer often enough. It made you anxious just thinking how he’s doing constantly, Prentiss has said in a text that ‘he seems okay, just a little off’ in which you ended the conversation quickly, not wanting to let invasive questions spring up to life.

You’ve tried to contact him multiple times, yet he never answered the calls, there was one time where he had responded your text; it was the one after you told him that you haven’t eaten and taken your meds because thats what you do now, pretending like he actually listens you, that day you heard a knock, before finding out that there was a box of pizza; the tuna, with creamy mushroom kind, your favorite. Spencer is the only one who knew about it, so it was him. You cried that night knowing that he was close... yet you didn’t see him.

After that, nothing. Nothing at all, until it was your 17th day isolated in your apartment trying to get better. A therapist from FBI was supposed to come today, checking up on you, Hotch’s order. So when you heard a knock, you opened the door without looking.

“Y/N...”

“Hi you must be the— Spencer?” You eyes went wide as you recognized the person standing at your door, you swear your knees buckled finally seeing him again after so long. His hair seemed longer, his eyes has bags under them, he doesn’t look fine.

“Spencer, you look—“

“Can i come in?” His voice startled you, it was deep, deeper than you remembered it last.

“Yes, yes please come in..” You watched him enter your house, eyes scanning through every bit of everything, probably profiling your condition. So you let out a chuckle as you close the door, “I’m fine Spencer, unless you didn’t notice, i’m doing therapy 3 times a week plus routine visits from every therapist in town it seemed like. So i’m good” the tone of your voice reflects sarcasm and you know it, but how can you help it when he wont even look at you.

“Thats good..” He mumbled, sitting down on the couch where you two talked the last time about your past, you remembered that night’s event so clearly you could’ve sworn you have an eidetic memory. “You haven’t been sleeping have you?”

“no.” you sat down next to him, deciding that you shouldn’t touch him even if you wanted to.

“Why?”

“Because i worry about you.”

“Spencer, i told you i’m—“

“No! no you can’t say that you’re fine, again. do you know what you did me? after the night we had, you basically suffered an anxiety so bad you collapsed on your balcony, while whispering my name. You don’t get to say that you’re fine, i deserve more Y/N.”

You didn’t flinched even once when you heard his voice raised, if anything you just close your eyes and not let the volume of his voice get inside your head, “Everyone who yells is the same like your father, wake the fuck up” is what your mind been telling you but you refused to listen to it, Spencer is good, he’s a good man. So you controlled your breathing for a second before opening your eyes to see Spencer’s face begging for answers.

“You’re right, you deserve answers and you’ll get your answers but can you please listen to me and don’t interrupt? Spencer, i need the space if you want me to tell you, the space to make you understand.” Your palm move on top of his to see his reaction, you expected him to swat your hands away or at least flinched but strangely he let out a pleasant sigh, like he was relieved, like every weight has been lifted off of him.

“Okay, i’m sorry for—“

You cut him off before he could say what he’s sorry for, you don’t need it— his reactions are normal, too normal that it makes you fall in love with him over and over again. “Shh, don’t. You don’t have to explain, you don’t have to respond, just.. wait here, i’ll tell you everything okay..?”

With a nod you get from him, you stand up to make two chamomile teas, bringing it to where Spencer is sitting on the couch, then after you put on Gymnopédie on your record player, you sit down next to him. To your surprise, he leaned and laid his head on top of your thighs, curling up on the couch— which sent a smile to your face, you haven’t smiled for so long and of course Spencer Reid is the one who put your first smile since.. you don’t even remember when.

————

“It’s one of my favorite, I love the serenity of it.” You whispered, as your fingers ran through his soft hair. Relaxing your back against the couch and enjoying the tune of one of your favorite classical of all time. Spencer smiled at that, you swore the smile could lit your insides like nothing else.

“I’m a beethoven guy, but i guess Satie is alright..” He laughs, his laugh sounded like heaven, his smile and laugh makes you dizzy. This is the Spencer that makes your heart pound ten times faster, and the one that makes you lost for words each time, the one that you’ll love... too fast Y/N, too fast.

“Of course you are, it’s not hard to see..”

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

Spencer looked up at you, he looked so pure like this, like he was made to justify every wrong things that has been done, like he’s an angel that protects the earth from filth. He’s pure and tender, it takes all of your willpower to not lean down and kiss him.

“Oh yes, explanation.” You laughed awkwardly, eyes refusing to meet his. “Look at me, please” You shake your head at his demand, your eyes still trailing to where the record player is going.

“Look at me, Y/N.” You did, you looked. Under any other circumstances, the authoritative tone would instantly leave you dripping wet ready to submit to him. But this time, you only whimpered and nods.

“Good girl, now tell me” He cupped your cheeks, the gentle gesture sent you to oblivion.

“I don’t know where to start..”

“I heard the beginning is a great start.” His lips tugged into a wide smile, you heart warmed at the sight before you sigh, your fingers still curling and uncurling itself on his hair.

“I opened up to you that night, it’s something strange for me, i told you something that i swore i would never tell anyone, but i told you because.. because you were right, you are right Spencer. And i guess after that we took it to a whole new different level, i want to be able to do all the things with you and cross all boundaries but it’s something new to me, so that morning when i... woke up alone, it was scary, i felt so small and sad in such a big space. I was overwhelmed, by the thought of letting another person in, i don’t wanna take it slow but then again the transition won’t be easy for me.” Spencer opened his mouth as he was about to say something, but you simply leaned in shakily and press a quick peck on his lips as a sign that you’re not done yet, to your surprise he pulled you down one more time and let the kiss linger this time before letting you pull back, whispering a small “go on.”

“I lived in isolation most of my life, the only taste of real life emotions i ever got was the moment right after my graduation. The man who saved me, he teached me social skills, and the basics of.. of having this gift of rawness emotions. But i’ve been so closed off, i realized its just not possible for me to fall in love or feel such a strong emotion towards another, the only strong emotion i’ve ever known before this was.. hatred towards my father and his killer.

I had PTSD when i was 13, consistent with severe anxiety and depression, at one point Mr.Bones insisted that i...i started talking to myself, admitted me to a psychiatrist where i got my.. antipsychotics for um the voices. But i came out well, and he promised me that if i was able to make it, he would change my identity, stripped me out of my old misery, give me a new one, my father was a very very important man where he worked, so does his men including Mr.Bones. Thats why before i was 21, there’s no record of Y/N Bones existed because.. i didn’t, i never existed.”

Y/N ended it with a smile, looking down at Spencer whose eyes brimming with tears. She shook her head, her trembling fingers wiping the traces of tears. “Hey no no, please don’t cry, please it’s hurt to see you cry..” She whimpered.

“Spencer please say something..” Her eyes pleaded with her, as he sat up, before inching closer to her and before she even processed the warmth of his body, his lips pressed themselves against hers in a gentle loving way. His thumb stroking her soft supple cheek, as his lips took its time to explore every inch of hers, imprinting how it feels so he can remember it all the time. Y/N wrapped her arms around his neck as he guided her to his lap, pulling back a little.

They stared at each other for such a long time, before Spencer move his hand downward— tugging on her shirt. “Do you want to?” His voice rise your goosebumps to wake, all the adrenaline rushing through your core as you nod eagerly. “Please”

——————

“Tchaikovsky.”

“what?”

“This is tchaikovsky.” Spencer looked up at her, seeing how needy but beautiful she is, her skin glistening under the dim lights, her lashes are wet, her eyes glassy, and her lips bitten raw. He smiled admiring her before continuing his exploration down her labia, stroking it gently— almost like he’s teasing her.

“yes Spencer this is, Oh god!” you stopped mid-sentence as you felt the warmth of his tongue exploring from her slit up to her clit, flicking the sensitive button gently— Holy mother! doesn’t he know how sensitive she is?

“I’m pretty sure Tchaikovsky isn’t god, Princess.” the doctor giggles as his fingers tracing her tummy gently, caressing every mark every curve every indent every scar so so gently to show her how much he appreciates her, appreciate her beauty— all of it.

“Shut up!” She whined and shuddered as she feels him burying his face against her sensitive pussy, tongue swiping side to side at her slit as his nose bumps against her clit sending intense pleasure throughout her body making her jolt and convulse as she tug on his hair.

“Are you sure that’s wise, princess? i’m the one in charge of your orgasm here” Her legs quivered, his tongue push inside her and explore every inch of her inside— moaning at the taste and catching every drop.

“Sorry! so sorry Spencer, just don’t stop!” Oh how sweet is that, her voice cracked at the end, meaning he’s doing a good job. And the boy wonder does seek for praises sometimes.

“Never planning on it, love.” He mumbled against her pussy before inserting two fingers in, and moving them in a brutal pace whilst her tongue and lips sucking on her clit.

“Oh! Spencer, you’re so good at this” Her eyes shut tightly, as her fingers gripping his hair— she’s practically grinding against his face which he moaned at the sight and taste of her, oh so heavenly.

“C’mon Princess, come for me then i will give you what you’ve been waiting for” oh the way she clenched around her fingers so tightly, made him groaned and shut his eyes tight as he works her over the orgasm

“Spencer! oh! thank you!” Every inch of her skin was burning and her brain was mush. So much pleasure, that she could die happily now. Her body shivers still, when he comes up to leave tiny kisses on her face. “Good girl.” Spencer then align himself at her entrance, sliding the tip up and down her pussy.

“Ready, princess?”

“Yes.. yes please?” With a smile on his face, Spencer bent Y/N’s knees before pushing the tip of his cock inside of her slowly, indulging in the velvety warm walls that welcomed his cock. The feeling is like home. Her mouth agape, as her eyes roll at the back of her head, and her fingers intertwined with his.

He stilled inside her for awhile as he let out grunts of how “so warm and tight, pet” she is. He then leaned down to press a gentle loving kiss on her lips before thrusting his cock in and out of her slowly, keeping the pace light as they both relinquish all the frustrations out, and indulging in each other’s warmth. It’s perfect.

“so— full, Spencer..” Her desperate whimpers was the one that egged him to move faster, thrusting his hips so every-time he thrusted in, the sounds were slapping of skins and their moans. But when one particular deep thrust, her cunt involuntary clenched around his cock and she screamed “Thats it! thats it fuck!”

Spencer grinned, before letting go of her hand to grip her waist, pulling her closer to him then continue to fuck her with a torturous brutal pace, hitting the spot over and over again. “I’m not going to last if you keep- fucking clenching that tight cunt Y/N” He warned, eyes glinting with a dangerous look like how he was that night. Feral.

Strings of plea left her mouth as she arched her back, he was so deep— filling her to the brim and making her feel good.

“Please cum inside me!”

“I will baby, i will. But first you gotta cum alright? can you do that? i know you can, c’mon” His breathing labored as he move even faster, her headboard banged against the wall, and her body bounced. With one final deep thrust, they reached their peak, and shuddered at the feeling. Spencer pulls out before grabbing a wet cloth from the beside table and carefully wiped her sensitive areas, causing goosebumps that were dying down to rise again.

“Swan lake” Was the first thing she muttered as her legs still quivering, Spencer looked up at her confusedly as he set throw the cloth to the dirty hamper and laid down beside her once more, cuddling her to his side.

“What?” he asked, his fingers running through her hair.

“Tchaikovsky’s, Swan lake was playing.” They both laughed at her answer, shaking their heads. It wasn’t until Y/N’s eyes flickered to his hazy ones, that they muttered it together,

“I love you—“

“I love you—“

———————

TBC!

As always, TAGLIST is open, blurb requests are also open any genre of course, send them in along with suggestions and/or constructive criticisms! thank you. Just message me or send me an ask :) thank you for supporting. I’M SO SORRY FOR THE REUPLOAD, the TAGS DOESNT WORK TUMBLR IS MEAN TO ME AGAIN❤️

( @blancastans @spencerwaltergubler @slutforthegubes @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @babybloomer @liaabsurd @midnightsubmissives @addie5264 @maybankslut @secretpickleprofessordean )

[alittleprincehwa]

diary pt. 2 ─ ₊˚.༄ kim hongjoong.

✄ pairing ─── ₊˚.༄ kim hongjoong x reader

✄ genre ─── ₊˚.༄ angst, fluff

✄ synopsis ─── ₊˚.༄ by coincidence, you meet each other again.

✄ part one ♡︎

It's been a week since the incident. Hongjoong couldn't focus at all, neither practice or recording. He couldn't get you out if his mind. He wanted to forget you, and move on already. But he couldn't. He wanted to be with you and hold you tight. You didn't know if you made the wrong or right decision. You kept pondering if what you did was worth it.

To refresh your mind, you decide to go to the beach. A place where you and hongjoong went to forget all your worries. Your secret place to spend time in each other's warmth. With nothing to do and no one to talk to, why not go there?

You dressed yourself in a comfortable ensemble. Consisting of a brown turtleneck, black cargo pants and a grey cardigan. You slip your shoes on and step out of your friend's house that you stayed at for the mean time. You managed to stop crying and do something else. You took the two hour drive to the familiar shore, occasionally playing the playlist you and hongjoong made. Sadly smiling at the songs you recognized.

After a long ride, you finally arrive. You grab your bag and head to the shore line. You put down a small cloth before sitting down. You play with the sand while hearing the waves crashing with one another.

Hongjoong drowned himself in work. Practicing endlessly, he thought work would get you out of his head. But it didn't help. He kept your diary with him, afraid of losing the last piece he had of you. The boys got worried as each day passes. They noticed hongjoong's sudden change in attitude. He became more quiet, barely interacting with them. They decide to confront him of his behavior.

Seonghwa entered the room that hongjoong and wooyoung shared. He noticed that wooyoung wasn't there and seemed that it was the perfect opportunity to talk to the leader. He entered the space and saw the younger member with the same sad and sulky expression on his face. Seonghwa was getting tired of this and wanted him back to his usual self. He'll do anything to get him happy again.

" Hongjoong. " Seonghwa called out. Hongjoong's head shot up to see the older male against the door frame with a stern look. " Yes? " He replied with a dry tone. " Is something bothering you? " Seonghwa's expression turns to worry and concern. Hongjoong sighs and pulls up his blanket, " I'm fine. " he replied, closing his eyes. " I know something's wrong, you aren't yourself anymore. You can tell me you know? " Seonghwa walks over and sits on the bed.

Hongjoong finally breaks. " It's hard, hyung. " He whispers loud enough for seonghwa to hear. Hearing his voice, seonghwa looks at hongjoong. He was shocked to see tears run down hongjoong's face. Seonghwa softens hearing sniffles. " I wanna forget about her, but I just cant. I love her so much- I miss her " He explains.

" What happened? " Seonghwa comforts. " Me and y/n broke up. " He muttered without a single ounce of emotion. Seonghwa's eyes widen, they broke up? " What? Why? You guys were fine " He asks, confused. " I wasn't treating her right... " The younger one replied. Hongjoong sat up, only to be hugged by Seonghwa. " You should go somewhere. Somewhere peaceful. A place where you can rest. " Seonghwa recommend, hoping it could help at the slightest way.

Hongjoong could only think of one place. The beach. Yours and his hang out spot. Where he'd hug you for hours while you talk about the weirdest things. Walking barefoot on the shore as the water every now and then hits your feet. Taking in the ocean breeze while you run around. Oh how he loved those moments.

" I know just the place. " Was all he said before getting up and leaving the dorm with your diary. Leaving seonghwa alone and baffled. He drove to the beach, singing cheesy love songs on the way.

You were listening to music while laying down on the sand. Humming along to the beat of the song, you didn't hear the sound of another car pulling up. Hongjoong hopped off the car and walked towards the sand, looking down.

He halted once he heard the sound of music playing, dropping your diary on the sand.

𝑷𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒈, 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒈. 𝑰𝒇 𝑰'𝒎 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖.

He looked up to see a figure, curled up. He heard a familiar voice humming. His eyes glisten when he realized it was you. He couldn't let out any words. Starstruck that you were right in front of him. " y-y/n? " He managed to say. You jumped at the sudden voice calling out. You swore you were hearing things. You immediately recognized the voice. Your breath hitched. Both of you were frozen on spot. Was it fate that united both of you?

You broke the silence. " Hongjoong? " You couldn't believe it. " You felt a presence beside you. You look and saw that he was sitting beside you. You thought your were dreaming. " Is this actually you? " You murmur, barely audible. He looked at you, " It's me. " You heard his angelic voice. Your lips parted as a tears escaped from the corner of your eye.

You looked away, ashamed that you were crying in front of him. " I miss you. " He said. More tears escaped your eyes as you couldn't help but miss him too. " I miss you too, Hongjoong. " You whisper. You felt his arms snake around your waist and his head pressed on your back. You missed this. You missed this so much. " I'm sorry baby. I'm such a bad boyfriend " He admits. You stayed like that for a minute. You tried to form words. The only thing you could do was free yourself from his arms. He was taken back by your actions but even more surprised when you engulfed him in your arms. " Your not, but this time will you treat me like girl/boyfriend? " You felt your tears drop on his clothes.

Hongjoong hugged you back, wanting this moment to last forever. " Your giving me another chance? " He asks.

𝑷𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒈, 𝒊𝒇 𝑰'𝒎 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖.

" Of course. " You connected your plump lips with his blush-colored ones. Words couldn't describe how you felt. Your lips moved in sync. Tongues interacting with one another. He held your waist as your arms rest themselves on his shoulders for support. The euphoric feeling appeared again. This felt the same as your first kiss. It was magical and passionate. You lean in closer, deepening the kiss.

You pull away, gasping for oxygen. You embraced him, " I love you so much ". " I love you too, I promise I'll be a better boyfriend " He swears. " Your already perfect Hongjoong. " You smiled at him. He pulled you close, laying on the sand. You rest on his layed out arm. You felt him kissing your temple, making your nose scrunch up. " I listened to your song by the way. " You say. " Really? " He raised his brow. " You looked so sad. " You remember tearing up at his expression when you watched the cover. " It because I couldn't hold you, my love " He looked at the sky. " I read your diary. " You hear him say. " W-what? " You slightly panic. " I couldn't help but tear up. I'm sorry you didn't feel loved. " He mumbles as he pressed kisses on your forehead. You shed another tear, recalling the nights you spent writing down that notebook, crying most of the time. " I don't need that anymore, I have you now " You say, closing your eyes, enjoying each other's company.

Both of you cherished this moment. Never letting go of each other again.

[penwieldingdreamer]

Just died in your Arms

As promised the next part for you. All I can say is this made me cry while writing because Within Temptation’s Our Farewell played in the background. I know I said it was going to get better, but you know the saying: It has to get worse before it gets better. So yeah, you guys will probably cry again before we’ll finally come to the part where it’s looking better for John and the reader. Let me know what you thought. Have fun and happy reading.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Warning: Angst, mention of character death

Words: 1869

Part 4

Taking a deep breath you leaned against the steering wheel, your forehead pressed against the cold leather. Ever since John had told you about Helen and her health, you promised to help him through this tough time. The day you met his wife had been a day everything changed.

Helen was amazing, she was a photographer, kind and funny.

And she was his entire world.

You saw the brave face he put on, trying to be the supportive, calm husband while Helen was only a shadow of herself, having to go to the hospital more often than not. By now she had to be taken care of there, not able to leave the bed and a breathing tube supplying her with oxygen. Yesterday you had visited her together with John, seeing her so frail and broken. You had squeezed his hand when he sat down next to the bed, watching as Helen only blinked her eyes at him, no other way of communicating with her husband. 

Her poor health was draining him and the fact that Helen caused it was draining her all the same. 

Your heart constricted with the memory of her once lively personality blown away in just a moment of time. Tears stung your eyes and you blinked, trying to keep them at bay. Your grip on the wheel tightened, anchoring you so John wouldn't be burdened by your sadness, too. 

Breathing deeply you leaned back again, brushing under your eyes to remove all evidence, you got out of your car. You grabbed the groceries from the back seat and made your way to the front. 

Their home was beautiful, floor to ceiling windows and open space concept. It was flooded with light on a sunny day, something Helen had loved having been able to work with the different parts of light and shadows. To be honest you really missed her, missed talking to her like any normal friend could.

When you looked up, the door was opened and John leaned against the doorway. You could see that something was wrong, but he would never tell you freely. He had always been the silent type but now with Helen’s condition worsening by the minute, the former assassin had withdrawn even more. You gave him a soft smile as you reached him, holding the bags up even though you were sure he had already seen them.

“I brought food and everything else you might need.” you told him, moving past his body and towards the large kitchen at the back of the house. Placing the bags on the isle you started putting the groceries away, when John walked into the room. You felt the atmosphere change, making you shiver from the coldness that came over you. His head hanging low, his shoulders slumped and his eyes red rimmed, you waited for your friend to finally open up, but if you didn’t prod him, you’d never know what was going on. 

"John?" you asked, watching the former assassin carefully. "What's going on?" 

He leaned on the counter, his hands supporting the body that looked like it would break any minute. "The hospital-uh" he broke up, clearing his throat. "They called to let me know about Helen."

His dark eyes turned to yours, tears glistening but he fought with all he had not to let them fall. 

Biting your lip you moved toward his form, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder, reassuring him that everything would turn out as it was supposed to be. 

Finally he pulled away from you, grabbing his leather jacket from the chair. He took a deep breath, pressed a friendly kiss on your cheek and left.

“I’ll have dinner ready when you come back, okay?” you called out before the door to the garage was closing fully, the sallad still in your hands. John turned one last time, a forced smile on his lips and nodded his head.

“Yeah, I’ll tell Helen you said Hi.” 

Waving him off, you breathed in deeply, the tears threatening to fall. “Oh Helen.” you whispered sitting down at the dining table. “What should I do if you don’t come back?”

Of course there was no answer, only the silence. 

You didn't know how long you sat there, staring at the nothingness around you, your heart aching and your eyes burning from the saltwater stinging them. Sniffing softly you wiped under your eyes as if it would take the pain away. You got up from the chair and went back to the kitchen, getting everything ready to cook dinner so John would have something warm to eat when he finally got back, something to feel like he was alive and not the corpse he embodied at the moment. 

Once you had arranged the groceries you opened the drawer, now finding the cutlery without any help from John or in the beginning from Helen. Pulling a large kitchen knife out you saw something white in there. Reaching your hand inside you took it, an envelope with your name on it. 

It was Helen's handwriting, but why would she give you a letter. 

Carefully you opened it, instantly feeling the tears coming again. The flowy lettering, always a sign of her wonderful personality. 

Dear Y/N, 

I don't have much time left, you know that. When John introduced you the first time I wasn't sure what to think, but knowing he had you as a friend is giving me peace of mind. Both of you will not be alone in this life, even though you might think you are. But I’ll never be completely gone, watching over you and making sure you’re okay.

Y/N, you know how stubborn he can be and how he always tries to do it alone, but please take good care of him. He will be grieving more than anyone else, keeping people shut out. 

Keep him safe and make sure that his thoughts are not entirely consumed by his sorrow. There will be happiness again. I want you to smile when you think of me, not cry or mourn me for years to come. The time I had with John were the best years in my life and getting to know you has been a pleasure that none can comprehend. 

I am grateful to know you are by his side, to know you are a wonderful friend. 

I will miss you Y/N, so very much. 

Lots of love, Helen

Sobs were raking your body as you read the last lines of her letter, the paper floating to the ground and tears spilling from your eyes. Of course John's wife knew that it would be over soon when she had written down the words, but you had hoped there was still enough time to help her. Your legs crumbled, not able to support you now. Slowly you sank down to the ground, your back leaning against the counter and your legs pulled to your chest. Leaning your head against your knees you felt the tears soaking into the fabric of your jeans, the uncomfortable wetness on your skin. 

The roaring engine of John's Mustang alerted you to his return, shocked you hastily brushed at your eyes, trying to remove all evidence of your sadness. Though you knew, retired or not, he had always been observant, just not when it came to your love for him. He'd know what was going on. Shakily you got up from the ground, brushing your hands over your jeans and shirt, hoping to remove any wrinkles but it was to no avail. 

John walked through the door and over to the kitchen, instantly knowing something was wrong when he saw your shoulders tremble. “Y/N?”

Turning around, you tried pulled the corners of your lips, but all that you were able to do was show him the watery smile. “Oh, hey.” you mumbled, looking anywhere but at him. “I’m sorry, the dinner isn’t done yet. I’ll start”

“What’s wrong?” he inquired moving closer to you, brushing his hands along your cheeks. When he tilted your head up so you’d look at him, you could see the tears gathered in his own eyes.

Biting your lip, your own hands moved to cover his. “What happened at the hospital?”

“They-uh” swallowing John pulled you with him to lean against the isle. “The doctors shut down the machines.”

Stunned, your eyes turned to him. “You-Helen, that’s not” you stuttered, not sure what you were going to say, your lips trembling and the tears stinging your eyes. Blinking, you tried to push them away, but still they flowed over. “She can’t be gone, John. I-It’s too soon.” Your hands flew to his shoulders, not sure if you were pulling him closer or pushing the former hitman away. “That’s not right. She-She c-can’t be gone.” you mumbled through the sobs that were raking your body.

John took your hits in stride, feeling powerless as his own sorrow came over him. His arms moved around your body, pulling you against him as your fists continued their assault on him. “Y/N, please” he begged, his own tears spilling over and his bearded cheek leaning against your temple. “The-There was nothing they could do.” His fingers brushed through your hair. You could hear him swallow around the lump that had formed in his throat, his voice getting deeper with emotion. “Helen was suffering, she-uh-she wouldn’t have wanted to lay in that bed and while, while her body just existed.”

“I-I’m so sorry, John.” you cried against his shoulder, your hands clawing themselves into his leather jacket that he still wore. “I never wanted you to suffer.”

Kissing your temple, he buried his nose into your hair, inhaling the sweet scent of your sop, a smell that had calmed him down before he had been with Helen. His heart ached and John knew it would take him a long time to get over her death. They only had five years together. Five years that he would forever cherish, holding onto every second that he was alive. “I’m suffering because of what I am.” John mumbled, his arms tightening around your shoulders as you stood in the silence of the kitchen, only your heavy breath could be heard. “Death follows wherever I am, it is my life.”

Hearing his words, the sobs started anew, hurting for your friend like it was your own fate he was talking about. You both killed people for money, being contracted to do that, but still fate was a cruel mistress to give him happiness and take it away so swiftly again. 

His head rested against yours and you stood there, bathed in misery at Helen’s death, when it should have been a normal night of dinner and talking about her progress to get better again. You felt his tears fall against your neck, running along the skin and soaking your shirt, just like your own spilled onto his clothed shoulder. In that moment you knew, that you would do everything Helen asked of you.

Everything to make him smile again, even though he was the big bad Boogeyman. He too deserved happiness, like all the others you knew.

Like your parents did.

Taglist

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[yoonberries]

: If Only : K.T.H

Category: One Shot

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Requested: No

Pairing(s): Taehyung/Reader, Taehyung/Original Female Character

Word Count: 3.7K

Summary: You are hopelessly in love with your best friend, Taehyung, and are forced to watch on the sidelines as he gives his heart to another woman.

A/N: This is actually my first time writing angst and idk how I feel about it, but I hope you guys enjoy it :)

If only.

If only your best friend, Kim Taehyung, knew just how much you cared for him. If only he knew just how far you'd go to keep him happy. If only he knew just how important he was to you. If only he knew just how much you loved him.

If only.

These feelings weren't new. You knew you wanted more than friendship from him ever since high school, when you were a junior and he was a senior. You two had actually been friends since middle school, but it wasn't until his last year of high school that you had began paying more attention to the small, cute things about him. You paid more attention to how cutely his nose scrunched up when he laughed, how his heart-shaped lips curved into a shy smile whenever he was complimented, how his thick eyebrows furrowed whenever he was concentrating or having deep thoughts. Most importantly, you paid more attention to how his mesmerizing brown eyes lit up whenever he talked about his passion for art and photography.

Back then, you were his favorite thing to capture in photos. His favorite place to shoot you was in a massive sunflower field that was located just outside of the city. He'd drag you along with him on the 40-minute drive at least twice a week after school when the sun was shining it's brightest and hitting your skin in the most delightful way.

He loved those days with you and cherished those memories more than anything. He loved how graceful you were in front of the camera and how carefree you were in the middle of all of those tall sunflowers. He loved how brightly you'd smile for him, how you'd throw sunflower petals toward the camera while posing just so he'd be able to get an aesthetically pleasing photo, how sometimes you'd take the camera from him and shoot him instead although you weren't as good with it as he was. He loved it all and those memories were something he'd never dare to forget. They were too precious to him.

You used to be his favorite girl. You were always there for him, always listening to him, never failing to understand him. You were the only one who could make him feel better when he was feeling his lowest, the only one who could make him crack a smile even when he was in one of his worst moods. You were the sunshine in his life and he absolutely adored you. You were his and he was yours.

But that was then, and this is now.

These days, his heart belonged to another. Every time you thought of them being together, your heart clenched in the most painful way. If there was one thing in life that you regretted, it was not gathering up the courage to tell Taehyung just how much he meant to you before he met her.

Jeon Jiwoo was her name and she was the sister of Jeon Jungkook, a friend you and Taehyung met from college. You had met Jungkook before Taehyung did, the reason being that you two had a couple of classes together. At the time, you thought it'd be a good idea to introduce Jungkook to your favorite guy, considering they were alike in a lot of ways. The three of you ended up becoming a completely inseparable trio, even got an apartment together off campus, and everything was going great.

That was, until Jungkook had the bright idea of introducing Taehyung to his younger sister. At the time, you and Taehyung had only seen Jiwoo a handful of times. Sometimes she'd tag along when you three were going to the movies or amusement parks and, according to Jungkook, she had developed a crush on Taehyung. Being that Taehyung wasn't a bad guy, Jungkook didn't mind his little sister crushing on his best friend. This news wasn't shocking to you either, considering she didn't even try to hide her admiration for him. She always laughed just a little too loud at his jokes or hugged him for just a little too long. What did shock you, though, was how quickly Taehyung was ready to let her into his heart.

He had never been one to jump into relationships and, if you were honest, you were grateful for that. It made everything easier for you and you didn't have to hide your affection. You could freely be all over him, cuddling him, stroking his hair, feeding him a bit of your food, and you didn't have to worry about a jealous girlfriend. It was rare when Taehyung would get into a relationship and they would never last long, the reasons usually being that he didn't pay them enough attention because he was always with you or that they just didn't get him the way you did.

But now, he had a woman he was ready to take seriously, a woman that was more than ready to take your place as his favorite girl. And she was, quite honestly, one of the most beautiful women you had ever laid your eyes on. She had these beautiful, big, bambi eyes that twinkled at any given time of day, whether the sun was shining or not. Her hair was jet black and reached her lower back and she liked to keep it wavy so it framed her flawless face perfectly. Her skin was clear and well-moisturized and her lips were always a soft, rosy pink. It seemed as if the woman had no imperfections whatsoever, so it was no wonder why Taehyung took an interest in her so quickly.

From then on, Jiwoo was always with you guys. If the three of you were making plans to go skating or fishing or even on a trip to a different state, she was there. If the three of you were having a movie night, where it was usually you between both Jungkook and Taehyung while you were all snuggled together, she was there, taking your place beside your best friend. She was always there and, if you were being honest with yourself, you hated it. You hated it so much that, at some point, you became angry with Jungkook. You were angry that he just had to set his little sister up with a man who was yours and had been yours for years. Of course, he was never officially yours, but it was like an unwritten, unspoken declaration that Taehyung belonged to you, and you belonged to him. It had always been like that and that's how it was supposed to be.

However, you didn't show your anger toward him because, deep down, you knew it wasn't his fault. He didn't do anything wrong. He just wanted to do his sister a solid and set her up with a man that she was crazy over, and you couldn't blame him for wanting to make her happy. You just wish the price for her happiness didn't have to be your Taehyung.

Taehyung's longest relationship had lasted three months and, because of that simple fact, you had a little bit of hope. You told yourself that this relationship would be just like the others, that she'd be long gone in just a few months time. However, as time went on, you began to notice how fond Taehyung was growing of her and how she began to be all he could talk about. It worried you, but you kept telling yourself that he's Taehyung, he had the highest standards imaginable and sooner or later, Jiwoo would be out the door.

But then, three months passed. And before you knew it, it had been two years.

By then, all hope had been lost and you accepted that Taehyung had actually found love. As heartbroken as you were about it all, you managed to keep a brave face and pretend to be happy for him. It hurt you to see how affectionate he was with her, how she was now his sunshine, how she was now his favorite thing to photograph.

How she was now his favorite girl.

Nevertheless, you had to place your feelings on the back burner. To you, Taehyung's happiness was more important than your broken heart.

But all of that became even harder when they had announced that they'd gotten engaged.

You were sure your heart stopped pumping. You felt your chest clench and it was as if your lungs no longer knew how to bring you oxygen. Your throat tightened and formed the biggest lump you'd ever felt and in that moment, you were sure you were going to pass out. To make matters even worse, Taehyung had asked you to be his best woman and, in the midst of all of your internal organs dysfunctioning, you had managed to choke out a small 'yes.' He pulled you into his arms and placed an endearing kiss on your forehead, thanking you for always being there for him. All you could do was choke out a tearless sob and hug him back tightly, wishing him the best with Jiwoo.

That announcement was four months ago.

The wedding was tomorrow and, much like the past two years, you couldn't get a wink of sleep. You were tossing and turning, occasionally whining audibly whenever you thought of them sealing their vows with a kiss and happily spending the rest of their lives together.

It was nearly midnight when you accepted that you weren't going to get any sleep and decided to go for a drive. You didn't know where you were heading, you just knew that you needed to get out of your apartment and get some fresh night air to clear your mind. You had been driving for almost an hour when you realized what area you were in and what direction you were headed.

The sunflower field.

Your brain had been put on autopilot and, as a result of that, it was taking you to what used to be your happiest place on earth. You didn't know how you'd react to seeing the sunflower field again and part of you didn't want to find out, but another part of you, a bigger part, desperately wanted to feel those memories again. You wanted to reminisce on how Taehyung used to make you feel like you were the center of his world. You wanted to feel like he was yours again, even if it was just for a moment and even if it wasn't real.

You parked your car along the sidewalk across the street from the field and slowly walked across the empty street, stepping onto one of the columns of soil in between two columns of flowers. You walked along the small dirt-path, thinking back on how much this field used to bring you joy. As expected, you thought of Taehyung. You thought of his smile, his eyes, his hair, his fingertips, you thought of all of him.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't notice another figure in the middle of the field until your name was called.

"____?"

You quickly turned in the direction of the familiar deep, beautiful voice that you'd fallen in love with.

"Tae?" You called back.

You walked closer to him and noticed that he was in his sleepwear, and all you could think about was how, even in this moment, he was absolutely breathtaking, standing in all white silk in the middle of a field of sunflowers. You felt as if you were in a dream, but you were grateful that you weren't.

"Hey, Angel," he greeted and pulled you into a warm hug. "What are you doing out so late?"

"I could ask you the same question, you're the one with the wedding tomorrow," you replied as you hugged him back tightly, hoping he wouldn't let go too soon.

He rocked you slightly from side to side as he simply said, "I couldn't sleep."

"Neither could I," you responded, internally pouting when he pulled away. "Are you nervous?"

"Yeah. But also excited," he smiled, and you gave a weak smile back. "It's a wonder how we both ended up in the sunflower field as a result of our insomnia," he softly chuckled.

"It's no wonder," you said as you shook your head, "This field used to belong to us when we were younger. It was a comfort zone for us."

"Used to? Was?" He furrowed his eyebrows as he played back what you had just said. "Why are you using past tense? It's still our field, Angel."

You shrugged.

"We haven't been here in years. Those days are long gone, Tae. Most of them are just forgotten memories," you said, swallowing down the lump that was threatening to form in your throat.

When you said those days were forgotten memories, you meant forgotten on his side. You were sure that while he was creating new memories with Jiwoo, his old memories with you were fading away. However, you couldn't forget them even if you tried. You truly did hold every single one of them in the center of your heart.

"Forgotten?" He spoke in a soft voice. "Angel, I could never forget any of the times we shared, especially not the times we shared in our field. There's nothing I hold closer to me than those memories."

"Really?" You replied, genuinely shocked.

"Yeah," he nodded, "How could I ever forget the first time I ever photographed you? You were so shy and you were convinced that your nose was too big and your body was too awkward for you to take a pretty picture. Compare that to the last time I photographed you. You were so carefree and running all over the field, doing every single pose that you could think of and confidently smirking and smizing at the camera. I'll always love that transition of yours."

You smiled as you thought back to how insecure you used to be and how Taehyung helped build your confidence simply by taking gorgeous pictures of you. It's because of him that you feel so beautiful in your own skin and don't judge yourself so harshly anymore.

"If it wasn't for you, that transition wouldn't have happened," you replied, "It's because of you that I have all of this confidence."

He grinned at your confession.

"It's because of you that I'm so confident in my art and photography. You've always been there for me, supporting me in every way you can, and now here I am, one of the most in-demand photographers in the country. I have you to thank for that."

You felt your heart swell at his words and you couldn't help the blush that coated your cheeks. The reassurance he was giving you was helping you more than he could even imagine. The next thing you knew, you were pulling him into another hug, resting your head on his chest as you felt the beat of his heart sooth you. He held you tightly, resting his chin on the top of your head as he whispered to you how much you meant to him and how important you'd always be to him.

Before you could stop them, you felt the tears rushing down your cheeks. You choked out a sob and at that sound, Taehyung pulled back slightly, furrowing his eyebrows in concern at your wet cheeks.

"Angel? What's wrong?"

You desperately wanted to tell him your true feelings about him, no matter how late you were. You knew it was wrong and could possibly ruin your friendship, but you felt that he should know before he became officially off the market tomorrow. It wasn't a good decision, it was actually the worst decision you'd ever make in your life, but you had to tell him. You had to get it off your chest. You couldn't live with it anymore.

"I love you so much, Tae," you whispered shakily, tears still falling from your eyes.

"Oh, Angel. I love you, too. So, so much," he replied and gave a lingering kiss on your forehead. "You have no idea how much you mean to m-"

"No, Tae, I meant I love you. I. Love. You," you said again, a bit slower this time, hoping he'd take the hint.

"...____? What are you trying to say?" He asked cautiously, aware of how serious you'd gotten in the past couple of minutes.

"I'm trying to say... I'm in love with you, Kim Taehyung. I've been in love with you since high school and I'll probably always be in love with you. I'm in love with your compassion, your heart, your mind, your soul... I know you inside and out and I'm in love with every bit of it. There's no one in the world like you, no one in the world who could ever compare to you. You're one of a kind and any woman in the world would be lucky to have your heart. Jiwoo is," you sniffled and let out a sob as you continued, "...she's the luckiest woman on this planet and I pray that she takes care of you and treats you as nothing less than the treasure you are. I love you so much, Tae, and if your happiness lies with her, I will learn to live with that... just for you."

By the end of your confession, Taehyung's mouth was slightly hanging open as he stared at you in disbelief. He was quiet and it made your nerves go crazy. You needed him to say something, anything, just so you'd know how he felt about your feelings toward him. Almost a minute had passed and he wrapped his arms back around your waist, pulling you into him.

You don't know what you were expecting him to do, maybe you were expecting him to yell at you for keeping this from him and waiting until the night before his wedding to confess, but you definitely weren't expecting him to place his lips on yours in a soft, gentle kiss.

The kiss lasted no more than three seconds but it made your heart beat a million miles a minute. When he pulled away, he was staring down at you lovingly, softly stroking your cheek with his thumb.

"T-Tae..." you stuttered, more confused than you had ever been in your life. "What about... but Jiwoo... and you're marrying her... I-"

"Shh," He cut off your stammering, leaning his forehead against yours. "You have no idea how that makes me feel, to know you feel the same way about me as I do about you."

At this point, you were beyond confused. You were downright flabbergasted. Befuddled. Shaken. Absolutely perplexed.

"Huh?" You said, completely speechless.

"I've loved you for so many years, ____. When I went off to college and you were still in high school, I realized how empty my life was without you. I didn't get to see you every day and I didn't get to take pictures of you for a whole year. It was honestly the worst year of my life and you don't know how happy I was to know that you ended up going to the same college as me," he confessed as well.

You stepped back a little, furrowing your eyebrows.

"What? Why have you been with Jiwoo all this time, then? Why didn't you say anything? Why aren't I the one with the ring on my finger if you've loved me for so long?"

"I have good reasons for all of this, I swear."

"You better," you said, crossing your arms.

"Well, you said you know me inside and out, right? So then you know how big my fear of rejection is and how I can't seem to get over it. I wanted to tell you, I wanted to take things to the next step with you, but by the time you got to college, you were so confident and independent and, as sexy as that is, it made it harder for me to tell you how I really felt about you. I wasn't sure if you would've felt the same way. I don't know what I would've done if I got rejected by my favorite girl in the entire world and I couldn't even bear the thought of it, so I just kept it all to myself and told myself that if you felt the same way I did, you would've already said something. But you didn't, and next thing I knew, Kook was setting me up with his sister and we did end up getting along really well and I gained a lot of love for her, but she still wasn't you. And then Kook started telling me about all these feelings he has for you and I didn't like it, but I couldn't say anything because-"

"Wait, hold on, stop," you interrupted him. "What did you just say?"

"I said Kook set me up with his sister and-"

"No, Tae, the other thing. About Kookie having... feelings for me?"

"Oh. Yeah, he's crazy about you, but he's too scared to say anything for the same reason I was. I love your confidence, Angel, but the way you carry yourself, it's like you don't really desire a romantic relationship with anyone and the fact that you haven't been in a real, committed relationship since high school doesn't help either. Remember that guy Jimin? From college? He was ready to give you the world but you didn't want it and that only made Kook even more scared to tell you how he felt."

"Well I haven't been in a real relationship because I've been too hung up on you to focus on anyone else so technically, this is all your fault," you said and poked his chest.

"My fault?" He chuckled. "You could've said something. It's not always up to the guy to confess first, you know."

"Yeah, well, in this case, it would've saved everyone the heartache."

He grinned and shook his head, wrapping his arms back around your waist. He looked down at your lips, then looked back into your eyes as if he was asking for permission. You slightly tilted your head up towards him to say yes, and he was more than happy to connect his lips back to yours in another tender kiss. This one was longer and deeper, with him lightly sucking on your bottom lip as you let out a quiet moan and tried pulling him closer even though there was no more space left between you two.

In this moment, you weren't thinking of the wedding. You weren't thinking of Jiwoo or Jungkook. You weren't thinking of anything other than the fact that you finally had the love of your life in your arms, kissing him with so much compassion that you could feel your heart melting into your lungs.

And you were okay.

[moonlightobrien]

You’re My Home // Stiles Stilinski AU Part Two.

Prompt-  “How am I supposed to decide this? How can I possibly stay without mom and dad? How can I leave without Winston? Or Stiles? This is too much. I don’t even understand how it all works, why I’m here in the state that I’m in or how to get out of it if I wanted to. If I were to say, I want to wake up, would I wake up right now?”

Relationship- Stiles Stilinski x Reader

Words-  3919

Warnings- angst and fluff.

Song Choice- Give it to me from If I stay/Sparks by Cold Play.

A/N- it's finally here, part two is finally here, I can honestly say that I haven't been more proud of this chapter. I was literally at the computer for hours just writing up a storm! I couldn't stop, I was out of control. Hope you all enjoy and go & read @minhosmeanhoe​ IN MY VEINS SERIES, IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! Hope you all enjoy and part three will up very soon! Italics  means past and original means present.

My life was perfect, everything was going my way - my future was almost coming in my fingers, I had a amazing family who loves me and supports me in anything, even though I wasn’t a somebody like Stiles, I still had everything I needed until that one day, that one day changed everything for me completely. I awaken from a sleep but it wasn’t me, it was the ghost of me, I can feel the cold of the snow from my body and as I stood up, I exhale a breath of oxygen through my lungs into my mouth, I looked around to see everything that was in front of my eyes, “Get some cribbing in there. Support those columns. We need a full spinal immobilization.” All I saw was ambulances and paramedics scrambling to their feet to see what was going on, “Hello?” I spoke. “Our resources are good right now.” I ran to a paramedic person trying to figure out what is happening and where are my parents and Winston. “Excuse me? Sir, excuse me? Hello?” I tried to speak to him but for some reason he couldn’t hear me, why couldn’t he hear me? “Mom! Winston! Dad!” I looked around trying to find them, trying to see if they were okay. We have foreshortening in this left leg. EMT 22 Yeah. Do you wanna get a tube in her now?”

“Just grab the Ambu bag for now.” I started to walk over until my eyes was wide open, my jaw was open with shock right before me, it was me - the actual me right there in front of me, my body lifeless. Tears started to well up in my eyes, “No!” My hands on my head trying so hard to tell my actual self to wake up, “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” I shut my eyes trying to believe and trying so hard with all of might inside of me to wake up from this bad nightmare, but the thing is..It wasn’t a nightmare, it was real - all of this was real. “Go, one, two, three.” The paramedics put my real body on a stretcher rolling near the ambulance, “Let’s move, her glasgow coma is at a seven.”

“Tell Portland to have a trauma team ready than ever,” Y/N was behind them trying to figure out what what that means and why she needs it, “Glasgow coma? Why do I need a trauma team?” Y/N was getting confused more and more, her brain was playing circles in her head trying to put the missing pieces together, but she couldn’t - her heart was pounding in my ribcage, everything was spinning, everything was happening at a fast pace all at once, “One female, late teens, critical, en route lo Portland now. One 8-year-old male, conscious.” Where were my parents? Where was Winston? “Mom! Dad! Winston!” Y/N shouted hoping that her parents and little brother can hear her, but they couldn’t. But all that matters is that she wakes up hopefully to see her parents and Winston. “Let’s go Demetri.” Y/N jumped in the ambulance with her real body on the stretcher, “Hang in there baby, we will be in Portland soon.” The paramedics shut the ambulance while Y/N looks back looking at the horrible moment that happened in her life.

__

Y/N was looking at her mirror trying to pick out a perfect outfit for her first ever date she ever went on, her brother Winston was on her bed playing on his PS4, her mother looks in the crack of her door, “You okay?” she said, if anything Y/N wasn’t okay, “No.” her shoulders was tensed up with anxiety, her heart was racing, her brain was spinning, she felt sick to her stomach. “You wanna hit my closet?” she enters her room seeing the way her daughter was, “Your closet is terrifying, I don’t even want to go, I mean what if he doesn’t like me, what if I make a complete fool of myself and everyone knows about the next day at school and then...ugh!!” Y/N groaned, she was right, in high school, word does go around pretty fast and super easy. “Come on Y/N. He is just a guy,” my mother totally doesn’t understand, “Mom, this isn’t just a guy, this is Stiles Stilinski and if I don’t make this right then I will never get to speak to him again or even look at him. Plus this is my first date I’ve ever gone on a maybe date and I don’t even know whenever to wear date clothes or casual clothes or…” Y/N sigh in frustration and nerves, she really really wants this day to be perfect, for her and for him. “Just wear whatever you feel comfortable and if this Stiles dude doesn’t see how amazing and beautiful you are then he is a total..”

“Shithead.” Winston finished her sentence, even though he was right, “Yeah,”

 “I think i’m gonna be puke.” Y/N’s stomach was in knots, her hands were getting sweaty, her heart was pounding inside of her chest like it was going to jump out of her body, Y/N’s mother picked her light blue trash can holding it towards her, “Better before than during.” then the sound to all of my fears, the doorbell, Y/N started to panic but luckily her mother had the perfect outfit for her to wear. Downstairs, Y/N’s father opened up the door seeing the boy Y/N was talking about, “You must be Stiles.” Stiles was wearing a grey tee along with a blue flannel with light blue jeans and white striped adidas shoes. “Uh, yeah. I am, yeah.” the boy was clearly nervous, he is standing near my father so any guy would be nervous, “Nice trends. Come on in.” Stiles stepped into Y/N’s house trying to slow down his heart at the rate it was going, “I’m the old man Denny.”

“I know, you were in Nasty Riots right?” he questions. “Wow, you’re impressing me already.” Y/N’s father smiled, he never thought that teens would actually listen to HIS music but apparently it’s for everybody, “Well, I have one of your CDS.” Stiles smiles, “You’re the one, they make great coasters, come on. Stiles is here!” He shouted which means that’s my cue. Stiles looks around until he saw Y/N’s younger self in a picture frame of her and her mother at her dad’s concert, “Is that Y/N?”

“Yeah, that’s our little rock and roll - she was Nasty Riots little original groupie.” Stiles gives a light chuckle, “Oh no, is he telling you old war stories?” Stiles turns around and he couldn’t believe how Y/N was so beautiful, the way her hair matches the outfit, those gorgeous dazzling eyes, those perfect pink lips, it was like she was looking at a angel from heaven above him, she was just so beautiful that you couldn’t stop looking at her, she was wearing a black and white striped top along with a black floral skirt - he tried to go back to reality, but it was so hard for him to not to since he couldn’t stop looking at her. “Hey, we should probably go.” Stiles finally snapped out of it and went back to reality, “Okay.”

“Okay, you kids be careful, I hear it gets pretty wild at the symphony.” Y/N’s mother said and smiled at her daughter, “Goodbye.”

“Bye,” Y/N’s parents both said, the two of them started heading to the front door - Y/N opens it and both of them stepped outside feeling the nice, cold crisp breeze on their skins, “Your parents seemed really cool.” Stiles said and smiled, “So they tell me.” she chuckled a little which made Stiles’s heart skipped a beat. At the symphony, there was this pianist who was really getting into it, it was like all of her emotions was just draining away from her body and onto the piano. It was incredible how musicians get so depth into emotion with music, it was a symbol of relief or just the joy and alive feeling of playing that one particular instrument that you can’t get enough of. Y/N was too busy listening to the beautiful sounds of the piano, Stiles’s hand started to move near hers then their fingers intertwine with each other, she looks down - their heartbeats were beating out of control, Y/N never had a guy held her hand before, she exhale a calming breath while Stiles smiled yet nervous as a wreck inside, both of them finished listening to the pianist, Stiles admires how deep Y/N was into piano work, he admires the way she loves it so much and the way she expresses her thoughts about the piano, how it makes her feel especially that alive feeling.

“Seriously, I respect any musician that puts it all on the stage like that.” Y/N always loved how Stiles gets into music, it was like the music was everything he ever wanted and fought for. “She was incredible, I always cherish musicians who gives it 100 percent putting their heart and soul into the music, like it was possessions.” Stiles showed a sincere smile to Y/N, “I thought you were a little bored in the beginning.”

 “Of course and only because the old lady that was snoring was interrupting those gorgeously sounds other than that, it was just magical, I loved every minute of it.” Stiles can listen to her all day, he loves hearing her voice, he never thought that he will meet someone who loves and so in passion of music as he does. “Alright Y/L/N, what’s your story? How does parents like yours have a child like you”

 “Well I have this certainly bred that I was made to be a rocker like my parents. But I have this theory that I was switched birth.” Stiles chuckles a little, “Well that explains it.” Y/N laughed a little bit, “No, but seriously, I don’t know I feel like I’m just this martain in my family, I don’t look like my parents. My mother was a rocker chick and my father is all outgoing and I chose Beethoven and the piano..I don’t know..what about you Stilinski? What’s your story?” he loves when she teases him, a sight chuckle escaped his lips, “When I was eight, I saw this old video of the Ramones playing ‘I Wanna Be Sedated.’ And it felt like my head exploded. And I was like, "I have to learn to play the drums." So, my uncle hooked me up with this old Fender. Yeah, that thing saved my life.” Y/N never realized that Stiles’s life was going somewhere that she couldn’t even begin to imagine. “You didn't really get those tickets from a family friend, did you?”

 “That was two weeks of pizza delivery tips.” Y/N couldn’t even understand why Stiles will chose her over a billion of girls that they fangirl over, “Why? Why me?” she started to get lost into his golden orbs, they were sparkly gorgeous that you can’t help yourself but stare. “Because I like to watch you play. You go to another place. And you're beautiful. You get this crease in your forehead right there.” his fingers touch her forehead, sparks were going sky high but all she could do is smile at the most perfect boy she ever got the pleasure to know. “Why do I have a feeling you’re about to mess up my entire life?” her heart was speeding faster and faster with beats that you can’t even describe. “A little mess never hurt anybody.” her breath was short, it felt like there isn’t anything left inside of her, they both started seeing themselves in each other, they were both frozen in the moment, Stiles’s lips were pressed against hers, the kiss was soft and long, she can feel everything was losing up - she was relaxing into the kiss, her first kiss was so magical and so unreal - it felt like she was in a dream, she never felt like about anyone like this before and Stiles made her feel more of herself, he made her feel like a somebody, he made her feel like she can do anything unless it was her and him together.

 __

 A week later, Stiles invited Y/N to see his band play, it was never like I ever seen before, everything was just chaotic and fast, the music was so loud that you can’t even hear yourself think, the girls was dressed as something I never thought I could see myself wearing ; there was so many people that you can probably get lost, it was just Stiles and I until a girl with orange hair came to us. “Liz, Y/N. Y/N, Liz.”

“Ah, i’m going to change the tube on the amp, I’ll see you later.”

“Okay,” Y/N’s eyes squinted with confusion, she had no idea what she was talking about, it didn’t matter anyways. Stiles’s band was getting ready on stage, “I guess that’s your cue.” Y/N smiled. “Yeah, I’ll see you when I get back okay?” Y/N nodded and he replied with a kiss on her cheek and left getting ready to play his drums. Y/N started to go to the way back of the crowd near the entrance, “Hey everybody, welcome to the show and enjoy,” the crowd of people started to cheer, Stiles started spinning his drum stick around his finger. Y/N thought it was cute. “One, two, three, four!” the music started to play, “Whoo!” the crowd said. The leader started to strum his guitar which causes Stiles to come up with a drum beat, “I wasn't looking' for something to sink my teeth into. I didn't know what I wanted, I never do,” Y/N was admiring how Stiles was getting into the music so much, all of the combinations of every instruments makes all worth it, the leader named Adam and Liz started to sing in the microphone together, “I want what you have, I want what you have now. Give it to me, Do you make it look so good 'cause you know what's up? Do you know exactly what to do? I want what you have. I want you have now.Give it to me, I want what you have, I want you have now. Give it to me.” The crowd was cheering so loud that it was crazy how much Nasty Riots have so many popularity, “Thank you and goodnight.” Y/N smiles at the cute yet hot boy that was starting to fall in love with, Stiles went down to the stage, Y/N meets him halfway, “That was so incredible, you guys killed it!” Y/N wrapped her arms around his neck feeling his body close to hers, feeling his touch was electricity to endless wires connecting them together.

Later on in the night, Y/N was sitting on the couch with a red cup in her hands trying to not make things awkward even though she is in awkward position, she was surrounded by rocker chicks she never met or seen before, “So what other bands you are into?” This blonde chick asked her, “Um..classical mostly.” her voice was soft but not that soft. “Right on, I dig classical rock.” Y/N had enough, she was ready to go home and get away from all of this chaos, she leaves the chicks and was heading to the exit, “Y/N!” Stiles shouted. She turned around facing the beautiful boy that was in front of her, “Are you okay?” he said worried. “Kinda miss communicating with people per the usual.”

“Yo, Stiles. After party at Adam’s. You in?” His member of the band asked, “Yeah, yeah. We’re in, yeah.” Stiles and the guy high-fived each other, he looks at me, “You in Y/N?”

 “I have a curfew.” as much as she wants to spend time with him, she definitely don’t want to stay here with all of these chaotic people, “Curfew?” he questions. “Yeah.” she exhale a deep breath inside trying to make this perfect night into a total disaster. “Okay, well I can take you home.”

 “Okay,” with that the both of them left the gig and went back to Y/N’s house. Back at her house, Stiles and Y/N exit out of Adam’s car walking to Y/N’s front porch. They were both looking into their eyes getting lost into each other reflections ; “Thanks for slumming it with us tonight.”

 “Yeah, no problem. You were really awesome up there,” a chuckle escaped his lips, “Yeah..thanks.” they both smile at each other, the tension in the air was calm also a little awkward. “Yo, Stiles. Just kiss her already, come on man - let’s go.” Stiles smiled, “So are we cool? You know me and you?”

 “Yeah, we’re cool.” her voice was a little soft and quiet, her heart was starting to finally calm down ; “Hey, you finally got to meet Liz.” Y/N didn’t see anything wrong with Liz, it was just that moment of confusion, she was cool I guess. “Yeah, you two have a lot in common, you two ever hooked or anything..” Jealously was filling inside of her body. “Actually, I’m glad that you brought that up, for instance we are both into girls. She’s with Astrid.” Y/N looked back and see the two girls kissing in the Adam’s car, “Oh wow, go Astrid.” she never thought that Liz will be lesbian but it’s whatever. “Now we got that out of the way, i’m bummed that you can’t stay with us for tonight.” Stiles facial expression was down, Y/N can tell that he really wanted her to stay but she can’t take the chaotic people and everything happening at fast pace, everything was perfect when it was her and him - everything was calm and just magical, “Yeah, I know.” Y/N looked down for a second and then back up at him, he swallowed a breath keeping his composure together. The air was silent, neither of them didn’t know what to say. “Y/N, just go. Have fun.” her mother said, “Mom?” Y/N can’t believe that her parents were listening to their conversation and spying on them. “Kat, get away from the window.” Her father said. “Dad?”

 “Hey, if your parents were cool with you staying out..or if you don’t want to..” Stiles doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a girl like me, she isn’t used to any of this, she never experienced before, this is just all too much for her, she looks away from him going near the door. “I..I think I’m coming down with something..” her fingertips gripping the door handle hoping that he will understands. “Right, well I will see you around and give me a shout when you get over it.” Get over what? Get the fact that I can’t stand the chaotic life that I just went through and doesn’t want to go through again. “Hey, Stiles..” What is my mother doing?? “Mom, get back inside.”

 “We always do these stragglers dinners on Sunday, you should come by some time.” Is she kidding me? Anger was inside of my body like an endless tunnel, “Thanks, maybe I’ll check it out. Goodnight.” Stiles waved goodbye to Y/N and her family walking back to Adam’s car. Once he left, Y/N turns to her mother angry at her that she will do that to her, didn’t she listen to what happened between us? “You know that was wrong on so many levels,” Y/N shakes her head going inside filled with anger and up to her room, her father looks at her mother, “What? She shouldn’t be scared of those guys, they are us.”

 “Exactly.”

“Okay, bring her out.” The ambulance reached the hospital, I started to try and follow the paramedics with my real body, “Behind. No palpable deformities at this time.” Y/N’s heart was pounding filled with so much terror that she doesn’t even know what else there is, “Go. Go. Go.” The hospital staff all surrounded around my real body scrambling to get in a hospital room to save my life, “Okay, what do we have here?” One of the staff said. “Collapsed lung, broken ribs. Looks like three abrasions to the legs, face. Brain contusions, full extent unknown. And an internal bleed. Rest of the family's on the way in. Ultrasound, X-ray, 12-chem, type and crossmatch.”

“Let's get the R down here, please. On my count. One, two, three.” like clockwork, they all ran to the nearest room, Y/N was trying to go in there but a blue curtain shut before her eyes, she turns around to the front desk, “Hey, excuse me, I need to check on my family. It's Kathleen Hall, Dennis Hall and Winston Hall?” she couldn’t hear me, and it sucks that nobody can hear you when you aren’t even alive. “Good to go.”

“Hello?” The nurse went over and grabbed the clipboard, “Hey, I was trying to look at that.” she said panicking and worrying about her family hoping to god that they are going to be okay. “Ruptured spleen, we need to move' We're taking Y/N Hall into operating room one. DOCTOR 22 All right, let's get her in there. We got to remove the spleen, drain the lung and figure out what's causing the bleed. If she wants to live, she better start fighting.”

“Start fighting? How am I supposed to start fighting? Can someone just talk to me, someone please just help me!” She shouted with so much worry in her voice, in the surgery room, surgeons started working on my body to stop the bleeding, “  Okay, let's go, folks. Her sutures. Arterial line set. Okay, let's get it cleaned up. Your cut-down tray's almost prepped. Let's go, let's go. Thank you.NURSE 12 GCS still looks high.” Y/N enters the room seeing everything happening and seeing everything that is going wrong for her, “Am I dying? Is that what this is?” she never expected her life to turn around like this, like everything was going to go crashing down for her. The nurse started to whisper something to me, “Here’s a secret baby, you can control this entire thing if you live or if you die, it’s all up to you so whatever fight you have, you have to pull it out now.” But how can I? How can I start to fight? Should I even fight? “Call the blood bank. I need two units of O neg. Keep two on hold. DOCTOR 22 I think we're gonna need a lot more than that. Let's see if we can track down her relatives, please.”

“Right away, sir.One of her parents is on their way to OR four now.” Y/N went up to the window to see her defeated father on a stretcher, one of his eyes was patched up and he was in a neck brace, “Dad?” Tears started to gloss in my eyes, I have to be strong for my family. “We just have to relieve the swelling. For a guy who was in such a bad car wreck, he really lucked out.”

[sugarbabyzoro]

There’s No Sun

pairing: blind!kihyun & reader word count: 7050 words genre: angst, fluff  warning: cussing a/n: just something I decided to write as practice. I hope it’s a little enjoyable at least.

summary: Kihyun is blind and angry and in need of you.

Everybody has their own demons.

For some, it was a fear of heights, social interactions, commitment, or meeting your significant other’s parents for the first time because you’re scared they’ll say you’re not good enough for their baby, death; both your own and losing someone that you cherish, the list can go on. Everybody is afraid of something, regardless of if they wanted to admit it or not.

For some people, their demons were big and unimaginably scary. Things that haunted them were unspeakable even though they were at the tip of their tongues just prodding to exit their beings, ready to reach out, desperate for help. Dark themes that you could sympathize and or sometimes empathize with. It was often a mystery how they gathered the strength to get back up again after they’ve had an emotional slump. You felt slightly pathetic in comparison but you were working on getting rid of your own demons.

For you, there were a few things, like failing a class, rejection, seemingly mundane things that some people could handle with a deep breath and a cup of coffee or tea. You tripped over the tiniest things sometimes; like your professor telling you that your answer wasn’t quite correct but you were on the right thinking path towards the answer. You hated when that happened. You felt imbalanced and incomplete, not good enough. You often envied when people could get things right in one go. You hated having to sit in class wanting to hyperventilate because you could feel everyone’s eyes on you. ‘What an idiot.’ You could feel them taunting, minus the fact that they weren’t thinking that at all. It was just you in your own paranoid bubble making up scenarios in your head that weren’t true at all.

Kihyun on the other hand; he was battling an entirely different hell on his own.

You watched from the small kitchen area that you shared as your friends gathered around him, not quite sure about what to say. Jooheon, you recognized the dimples, his eyes teary and puffy, red and trying his best to not look at Kihyun as Changkyun hugged him tight, the boy’s face buried in his chest, shoulder’s shaking most likely with sadness. Hyungwon stood at the doorway, taking a few deep breaths every now and then with a distant look on his face.. The apartment was glum, eerie, a sinister silence seemed to mock the four walls that contained you all. Things were going to be hard.

“We told him he could come stay with us, but you know how he is.” Hyunwoo, the eldest of their little boygroup spoke after making his way over to you. He looked tired and just as lost as the rest of them. Maybe you were underestimating just how tough things were going to be.

“It’s okay. If we need any help I’ll call.” You reassure softly with a pat to his shoulder, giving him a small hug. “How is Minhyuk doing?” You question slipped out, however, judging by his absence you assumed that he was beating himself up over what had happened.

“He didn’t want to come up. He hasn’t forgiven himself. I don’t think he ever will.” Hyunwoo sighs, looking at the scene unfold before him as he lets you go, an ache so strong banging on the door of his heart, the pain fully penetrating as Hoseok sheds his first tear.

‘It’s my fault for wanting to go on a roadtrip.’ Hyunwoo blames himself, wanting so badly to turn back the hands of time to undo the tragedy. He’d do anything to save his friend.

“We’ll come visit you every day okay Kihyunie?” The second oldest finally breaks the thick silence that once again consumed the room, his voice cracks midway through saying Kihyun’s name and he sniffs, tears overflowing on his now rosy cheeks. He hated seeing his friend like this. Changkyun, Jooheon and Hyungwon exit the room, not wanting to be a part of the conversation. They didn’t feel ready yet, they felt far too consumed with guilt, plagued with the idea of maybe it should have been them and not him.

“You don’t need to Hoseok. I’ll be fine.” Kihyun talks for the first time since arriving in the apartment. There’s a smile on his face, teeth sparkling but anybody can feel the shitty facade he was putting up. Nobody smiles after being put in a situation like this.

“I know but I want to help you adjust at least-”

“Can we not talk about this right now?” The younger interrupts. Bless Hoseok for wanting to help but he just wasn’t in the mood. He didn’t want to be reminded that he would probably never be independant ever again.

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry.” Hoseok takes the hint, cupping the younger’s face with a soft sigh. “I love you.” He mutters, kissing the younger on the forehead before standing, sending a small nod in your direction before heading for the door. Since the accident he made a promise to himself to always tell his friends and family he loved them, after all he never knew when would be the last.  Almost losing Kihyun was living proof of that.

Hyunwoo was the last to leave, quiet and solemn as he always left the apartment when visiting. For a second it felt as though nothing had changed, however, once your eyes flickered over to the bandages covering Kihyun’s eyes, you felt as though he had taken the oxygen with him as he closed the door.

This was real, this was happening. Kihyun was blind and sitting in your little living room. How were you even supposed to begin a conversation after feeling like the silence had permeated your skin, sucking up all the conscious thoughts you could conjure up. You hated this. You hated that awkwardness that started to settle in, layers upon layers of uncomfortableness piling up like heavy snowfall as the seconds ticked by. The imaginary clock in your head ticking away tauntingly, the obnoxious pulsating sound syncing up with your heartbeat. You were never any good at starting and continuing conversations.

You were beginning to relive the day Hyunwoo broke the news to you. Everything was motionless, your breathing colliding with your shock almost choking you.

“Kihyun and Minhyuk were involved in an accident. The doctor said Kihyun’s eyesight has been damaged terribly and there is a really small percentage that he’ll ever be able to see again.” He had relayed the information to you bluntly. You were in work that day, the cafe feeling rather crowded although there were only a few people scattered about, the early morning rush hour having calmed down. You took a seat, your thoughts only drifting to what a life of darkness would be like.

“Aren’t you gonna say it? It’s fine. You have to acknowledge the elephant in the room before either of us could move on.” Kihyun’s voice pulled you out of the dark memory. You crossed your arms and stared at him with an arched brow as you approached him. You weren’t sure how to properly approach the situation but you figured you could give it a go.

“How do you feel?” You question despite probably figuring it was a stupid question.

“I’m blind how the fuck do you think I feel?” He retaliates, a bit harsh but you understand.

Your shoulders slump as your arms fall to your sides. Kihyun has been your roommate for three years now, this shouldn’t be so hard. ‘He isn’t that much different, still a feisty pottymouth, just with a vision impairment.’ You try to tell yourself that there isn’t anything different about him, but you still felt the need to be cautious about the topic, your human nature telling you not to dive in head first and make a huge deal out of it.

“Right.” You nod, taking a seat beside him, trying not to stare. You felt like a foreigner trying to figure out the mechanics of your own body.

“How was the road trip then? The last time we spoke you seemed to enjoy it a lot.” You try again, cringing at the choice in question, maybe it was the last thing he wanted to talk about right now. ‘Great, you just had to go fuck that up too didn’t you?’ You scold yourself, mentally preparing for the backlash of what was to come, an apology ready to roll off of your tongue.

You’re greeted with silence again and you’re sure your heart is ready to jump right out of your throat.

“It was beautiful.” The dark haired male exhales next to you, chuckling softly as he recalls the memory. “The morning before the accident, I woke up to the sun peaking out over the horizon, the clouds scattered across the sky, hues of blue, peach, orange and gold melting into each other. It felt like God was going to give me a high five.” He smiles to cover up the longing in his voice.

“I’ll never be able to see that ever again.” He mutters, his mouth turning into a frown, your heart sinking into that bottomless pit of regret and despair at the thought. You mentally kicked yourself in the head. You knew you shouldn’t have brought it up.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” You murmur. “How about something to drink? Do you want some tea? I was just about to drink some.” You begin to change the topic, arching a brow as he stands, his hands reaching out mindlessly in front of him.

“I’ll get it myself.” He says, determination etched in his voice.

“Kihyun, I don’t-” You begin to argue that he shouldn’t as he could hurt himself some more but he cuts you off before you could protest.

“Shut up. I don’t want to hear it. I can do it.” He growls, taking baby steps as to maneuver himself to the kitchen; not a very long venture but you caught onto him wanting to prove himself worthy that he was still the same old independent Kihyun. He hadn’t been able to do anything for himself in days. He was always being governed by one of the guys or a nurse, he couldn’t take a shit without someone following him to the bathroom or asking if he needed help wiping his ass. It was embarrassing to say the least and the most he could do for the time being was to pour himself a cup of tea to keep his dignity. Baby steps right?

You swallow thickly as you watch your friend stumble around in a zombie like trance in pursuit of the kitchen where the scorching hot kettle of water sat atop the stove. He would definitely burn himself if you didn’t keep an eye on him or intervene. Standing quietly, you slide your bedroom slippers off, your feet padding across the floor now soundless as you follow him, fully well knowing that what you were allowing to happen was just absolutely ridiculous. You were sure he could barely remember where anything was packed away with the two weeks he’s been away from the apartment. God forbid that he broke your favorite mug.

Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you refrain from yelling at him, knowing that he was being his stubborn self because of his new inability. Your eyes open to the sight of him feeling around the sink, the mugs and plates clattering against the iron of the rack followed by a loud crash.

”Fuck.” He mutters, clenching his jaw as he begins slowly squatting, reaching down to feel for the broken mug. A hiss and a flash of red dripping from his finger three seconds later and you had had enough.

“Don’t move. I’ll clean it up.” You sigh, reaching down for the pieces only for him to grab your shirt.

“I said I can do it. You’re not my maid.” Kihyun tries to scold but you pull yourself away from him.

“I’d rather clean this up than have you back in the hospital for stitches because you’re too fucking stubborn.” You growl right back, snatching the broken pieces off of the ground angrily, placing them in the trash. Thankfully it hadn’t shattered into three million pieces just four large chunks.

“You think I can’t do things myself?” He starts off slowly, his hand clenched by his side,the few drops of blood that escaped from his cut on his left index his finger smearing against the inside of his palm. His breathing was heavy, nose flared with the anger of a raging bull. You could tell he was trying his best to keep his anger under control. You can’t help but swipe your hand over your face, exhaling heavily, your blood pressure wanting to skyrocket through the roof. You were beginning to hope that you didn’t have to call Hyunwoo at the end of the oncoming quarrel you could feel in your bad knee.

“Kihyun. You’re injured right now. You’re unable to see.” You start off calmly, reaching out for his hand, relieved that he didn’t reject your touch. You rub gentle circles into the back of his hand with your thumb hoping it would help calm him down a bit. Something you would do every now and then when he was upset. “I understand that you’re frustrated and you’re tired and angry. But what I want you to know is, it’s completely okay to ask for help. I’m here for you. I always fixed you a cup of tea. It's not gonna kill either of us if I do it now okay?” You continue steadily, wanting him to get the idea that it didn’t make him any less of a person if he asked for help. You watch as his tense shoulders slump into a relaxed position, his hand unclenching and laying almost limp against your upturned palm.

It was quiet enough for you to hear a pin drop, a silence so loud it intrigued you to know what was going on in Kihyun’s mind. For the time that seemed to stretch on between you two, the man before you seemed at ease for a bit. You could feel his pulse from where your fingers grazed his palm. It was steady, smooth, calm like as though he was relaxing in the shade of coconut trees a gentle breeze kissing his skin as he lay in a hammock. His adam’s apple bobbed as he collected his thoughts that seemed to contradict at the moment.

Kihyun knew himself to be a strong guy, independent at most times and determined to achieve his goals. He stood still, feeling your gentle touch, mind racing with all sorts of thoughts and profanities, however, nothing seemed to exit his mouth. It felt as though it was glued shut with sheer anger.

“Get the fuck away from me!” He suddenly lashes out, smacking your hand away, disgusted, feeling as though he was getting sucked into some kind of pity party.

“Kihyun pleas-”

“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!” He cursed and cursed, but honestly, you couldn’t take it to heart. You knew he was upset. You stood there quietly, taking in a deep, shaky breath, watching the once brave and vibrant person Kihyun was crumble before  your very eyes, replaced by bitterness and sorrow, sadness so deep you wouldn’t wish it upon your worst enemy. You saw a man struggling to come to terms with reality.

“Fuck everything! Don’t you understand the situation I’m in!? Huh [Y/N]!? I can’t fucking see! I cannot fucking see. I. Can. Not. Fucking. See!” Kihyun screamed enunciating every word, his hands clenched in front of him in trembling fists. He was boiling. Hot lava dripping out of his mouth. He was seething with rage, a coiled snake ready to attack its victim, venom hot and dripping from it’s teeth.

“I’ll never see the light of day again. I’ll never be able to read a fucking book in peace. I’ll have to walk around with a cane.” His voice cracks whilst mentioning the latter, his face contorting into the pain he was feeling, mouth downturned into the most sour frown you’ve ever witnessed.

You felt something stir inside you, you breathing becoming ragged as you stared at Kihyun. A heartache pumped the pain through your body. Kihyun was drowning in the middle of the deep blue and you couldn’t swim. You didn’t know how to comfort him.

“I want this all to go away.” He mourned, his bandages becoming soaked with tears. You said nothing as he clawed at the knot at the back of his head, before becoming impatient and just pulling the entire thing off in a rush.

“I just want to open my eyes and for all this to go away. I don’t want this.” He sobbed, pale eyes frantically looking around the kitchen as though the faster or harder he searched he would be able to see a fraction of something, a sliver of hope. But all he could see was very faint lines and distorted shapes, eyes unfocused and blurry. No amount of squinting could fix it. You could only look on, a frozen corpse watching their friend slowly become undone.

“I don’t want to live in a world like this [Y/N]. What if I begin to forget what things look like?” Kihyun whimpered, a cry clawing it’s way out of his throat as he slowly drifted to the floor.

“I don’t want this. I don’t want this..” He whimpered, chanting the phrase over and over again on the floor, his fist banging against the cold tie.

There was a second of silence before a shriek pierces your ears. Loud wails erupted from the boy before you after every deep breath that he inhaled, his already small frame stiffening up as each scream echoed throughout the apartment. It sounded as though someone was being pierced over and over again the pain too much to handle, screaming and crying being the only way of letting the pain out.

“Kihyun! Kihyun! Shh, Shhhh.” You quickly dropped yourself to the floor next to him, trying to hush him.” I’m sorry Kihyun. I really am.” Was all you could muster as you wasted no more time to sit yourself next to him, pulling the misery filled boy into your chest. You arm wrapped around his shoulder as you sat against the lower cupbords, your hand lowering to his back to rub it. You could only sit there, holding him as he sobbed loudly, wishing there was a way you could take away his pain. You felt like a fake friend, you couldn’t even promise him that things were going to be alright.

Your own hot tears stained  your cheeks at the feeling of him gripping your waist tightly, his tears soaking the front of your shirt. One of his hands slowly lifted your face to touch it, his fingers brushing your wet cheeks before cupping your face, his thumb brushing your cheek.

His next words stabbed your heart, the tone of his voice alone tugging painfully at your heartstrings.Breathing was suddenly too hard, the air in your lungs constricting, leaving you light headed. Lips trembling as he hiccuped, trying not to choke on the wails of his cries, completely broken and defeated, he managed to whisper,

“[Y/N], I’ll never see your face ever again.”

Things were quiet around the apartment.

Kihyun barely spoke a word, too afraid that he’d go ranting off again, and crying like a toddler throwing a tantrum at something he couldn’t fix. Of course he often worried about continuing his degree and how he would make a living but, after a small talk with him and the boys, you all agreed that  things would eventually fall into place. You all would help him to the best of your ability.

Speaking of the boys, he mostly spent his days or in the little living room with one or two of them. He never seemed to want to leave the apartment. You could tell that they tried not to baby him, but they couldn’t help it. They treated him like fragile glass although he was already broken. They refused to leave his side, each boy blaming themselves for the accident even though Kihyun had forgiven them. He just hated the circumstances that he was left to deal with.

Sometimes after coming home, you could hear him humming, sad tunes that seemed to perfect the glum atmosphere. You allowed him to be sad, he needed it. He needed time.

He had a beautiful voice, you had often woken up to him cooking breakfast, belting out songs at the top of his lungs, of course earning yourself some complaints from the neighbors. Sadly for now, those things were a thing of the past, for now at least.

You were determined to help your friend get back to as much as his old self as possible.

Things seemed to be going well for the meantime, however, there was one thing that was constantly bothering you.

Kihyun never told his parents.

You understood that the topic alone was a touchy subject for Kihyun. He barely mentioned them other than the fact that they sent him monthly allowances and were married  for quite a long time. But, the way Kihyun had mentioned them, they seemed rather unhappy but trying their hardest to hold it together.

“Hey handsome.” You greeted him with a smirk, only for Kihyun to reject your compliment, rolling his eyes at you. He sat up after hearing the sharp clattering of the tea cup against the saucer.

“You need to stop doing that. Whatever it is you’re doing. I don’t remember you calling me handsome before I had a visual impairment.” He grumbles, playfully of course as he gently reached out to pat the table in front of him, feeling for the cup.

“Well, I don’t hear you walking around telling yourself that you’re good looking these days so I thought you might need to hear it.” You shrug. His confidence and self esteem was shot but you weren’t going to let that get to him for long.

He scoffed and you laughed, taking in the sight of the previously mentioned handsome man before you as he carefully brought the cup to his lips, blowing the hot liquid and taking a sip a moan of satisfaction leaving his throat.

“Have I ever told you that you look like art in motion?” You suddenly blurt out and Kihyun makes a face, on that tells you you’re being incredibly cheesy and he’s cringing so hard he might throw up.

“And why do you suddenly feel the need to tell me that? I could have lived the rest of my life without hearing that.” He sighs, shaking his head in disapproval of the statement still lingering about in his mind.

“I guess I feel even closer to you now. So I said it.” You can’t help but cackle at his expression, a fond smile dancing on your lips at the sight of him taking another sip of tea.

You and Kihyun had been battling his transition together. Battling, because it wasn’t the easiest task for him to do things without supervision and he got so frustrated sometimes he’d end up red faced and fuming on the floor somewhere in protest of his inability to do the thing. He hadn’t gotten accustomed to having someone constantly help him cooking in the kitchen and he’d had enough of getting his fingers sliced trying to chop vegetables on his own.

It was hard, but with your help things were becoming bearable. 

Sometimes, rather than being harsh and angry at the world, he was quiet and gentle. More often than not you’d find yourself curled up together with his head cushioned against your chest as you read to him.

It was a huge step for him to come to you. It was a day you’d never forget.

You returned home from work just as any other ordinary day. Kihyun was busy listening to Hoseok rant about some girl at work. Well you hoped that was what it was about anyway, you didn’t stick around much to hear the conversation at all. You had taken a shower, flopping onto your bed and was drifting in and out of sleep, caught between wanting to go to sleep and wanting to get something to eat. You didn’t exactly know how long you stayed curled up in your bed before you became fully aware of the knock on your door, waking you up from your sleep spell.

“It’s open. Is everything okay?” You ask cautiously, yawning as you sat up. Kihyun entered the doorway, fidgeting with the book in his hand. Despite not being able to see you staring at him, he couldn’t help but blush, biting his lip as he tried not to sound childish.

“I umm.. I asked Hoseok to read for me today but he’s shit at it so he left a while ago after he found the audio book for me but it’s giving me a headache.” He explains, hoping that you would catch onto what he wanted without having to directly ask since you would offer.

Kihyun couldn’t see the smug smirk on your face as you arched your brow and crossed your arms. Of course you knew exactly what he wanted, but, you were going to make him ask. Your predatory gaze fell upon the little lamb as he clenched his jaw, internally sighing as he heard you reply. ‘Oh shit that probably sucks. Do you want some painkillers or something?’

“Look. Can you, if you’re not busy duh. Do you think you could, maybe..” He stumbled over his words, feeling quite ashamed that he would have to ask somebody to read to him despite there not being anything to be ashamed about.

“Do you think you ca-can r-read to me?” He finally forces it out and you refrain from giving him a round of applause, a proud smirk on your face.

“Sure thing.” You reply nonchalantly even though on the inside, in your head you were cheering and bowing to an imaginary crowd that applauded you. He was finally getting comfortable enough with you to ask you to do little things instead of you volunteering to help him. “C’mere and get comfy in the meantime. I need to get something to eat and then I’ll read to you okay?” You reassured him, helping him get comfy after setting the book on the nightstand.

“Hoseok brought pizza, there’s a few slices that were left over.” He mentions and you pat his head in thanks.

“Are you sure its okay to eat it? Have you had enough to eat?” You ensure to question, knowing that Hoseok loved to eat and it was really rare whenever there was anything left after he was there.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Go eat, you’re wasting my reading time here.” He orders and you can’t help but smile fondly at him, getting a lingering feeling that he had saved a slice or two for you.

“Alright. Alright.” You grunt, ruffling his hair and making your way out, but not before catching a his sigh and finding him snuggling into your pillow as you made it through the doorway.

A  half hour into the reading later,  and you hear a snore from Kihyun next to you. It was like reading a bedtime story to a child and having them fall asleep next to you. He was curled up cutely, his head nestled onto your chest, an arm thrown across your abdomen. Somewhere between the beginning and him falling asleep, your legs had become tangled, your heart doing a funny little skip of adoration as you put the book down.

Reaching for your lamp, you turned the light off, staring up at the ceiling after your eyes had adjusted to the dark. ‘Today ended well.’  Was the last thing you thought before drifting off to sleep to the thought that maybe, just maybe, Kihyun was warming up to you.

Your routine had changed since that day.

After just relaxing after coming home from work or getting dinner, you now had a special job or reading to Kihyun until he fell asleep. To be honest you were a bit weirded out by it at first, unaccustomed to sharing your bed with anyone. However, it was nice having company, someone to snuggle up to when you were cold. Kihyun  was quite a treat to wake up to, lips pouty, and very kissable you might add, cheeks rosy as he lay curled up under your arm. You stopped counting the times you resisted kissing him awake, those were thoughts for your head alone.

“Why the fuck are you so quiet?” Kihyun suddenly voiced his thought, drawing you out of your recollection of your life since he had the accident and how bad you wanted to just press your lips up against his, just so you could get the thought out of your head.. “You’re kinda making me uncomfortable.” It was true, now that Kihyun’s visuals were severely lacking, he felt as though his hearing had amplified 10,000%.

“I’m sorry. I got distracted by how incredibly gorgeous you are.” You chuckle, narrowly missing Kihyun’s slipper that was aimed at your head. He was good. “I will find a way to strangle you if you start talking shit again.” He threatens, an empty threat but a threat nonetheless.

“Alright, I’m sorry. How was your day? Why do you even have that cloth tied up over your eyes?” You question as if you had suddenly noticed that it was there sitting on his face. You were with him for most of the time and you didn’t even notice? Wow.

“I keep wanting to open my eyes and see but it’s frustrating that I can’t. If I keep myself blindfolded, I won’t want to open them.” He explains quickly. “It’s frustrating.” You simply nod, accepting the piece of information before moving on. If that was what helped him cope, who were you to question him?

“Did Changkyun come over? What did you two do together?” You move on, not wanting to trigger an episode.

“He came over and we actually cooked. It was nice and quiet. I told him to come more often when he can. He said he was getting a job soon so I’m not sure if he will be able too.”

“What kind of job?” You questioned, the topic suddenly perking your interest.

“Some software design thing. He’s taking over for someone until they’re able to come back.”

“Nice. He’s such a smartass. I wish I had his brain sometimes.” You laugh despite knowing it wasn’t true. The kid has such a fucked up brain you wondered how he even slept at night sometimes.

“Okay but enough about him. Tomorrow’s Saturday right?” Kihyun focused the conversation back to him.

“Uhh.. yes.” You hesitated.” You slap your hand against your forehead as you nod, you swore you weren’t a bird brain most times.  “Yeah. I’m off tomorrow too since the cafe is closing. The owner’s father passed away and he was just devastated.”

“In that case, since you’ve read my last two books for me, I was thinking we could um..” He began to hesitate, fidgeting with the cup in his hand once more, gnawing on his lip. You noticed that it was a nervous habit he had developed. “Can we go to the bookstore?” He finally asked. You absolutely adored how he just assumed that you would continue reading for him, which you would since it wasn’t much of a hassle. Plus it provided nice bonding time and the books he chose were actually pretty interesting.

However, more than ever you were relieved that he was finally taking that first step outside. Since Kihyun returned from the hospital, he didn’t  step foot outside of the front door. Some fresh air and some sunlight would do him good.

“I will. This is really great because three things actually came in the mail for you.” You snap your finger as you stand, heading over to the nearby kitchen counter.

“Three?” He asks, the number taking him by surprise. He was usually accustomed to having just once.

“Yeah. An envelope with money and a card with a picture attached. It’s of your parents. They’re taking a trip to France to try to mend their relationship. Your mom wants you to call. Also, there is a cane I ordered for you..” You mutter the latter just enough for him to hear, hoping that he would take the news well.

“I just need the money.”

Oh here we go.

“Kihyun, you’re gonna need this if you want to walk around on your own.”

“I don’t need it if I have you.”

“Kihyun you’re not gonna have me around all the time.” You stress, taking all three items over to the little living room to sit next to him, setting them down on the table.

You take his face into your palms, turning his head to face you. You don’t miss the way he tries to lean into your touch, his jaw unclenching as his nostrils flare with a heavy sigh.

“Didn’t you say you were always an independent guy? Wouldn’t it be nice again to go out with Hyunwoo or Jooheon, any of them again? You wouldn’t have to be walled up inside here.” You explain to him softly, hoping that you could convince him and give him that extra push that he was needing.

“I just want you around me all the time.” Kihyun confesses, taking you by surprise a bit. His hands meet your wrists, traveling towards your hands to grip them softly.

”You make me feel at ease. You make me want to belong again. It might be stupid to you but I feel safe, whole, comfortable.”

“Kihyun.” You smile, your heart fluttering softly as he cradles your hand against his cheek. You loved this soft vulnerable side he would let out every now and again.

“I’m your friend, I’ll always be here for you-”

“I don’t want your friendship [Y/N]! I want something more. I want your love.”

It’s quiet again, with the exceptional booming of your heartbeat echoing in your ears. There’s a tingling feeling stirring your insides, a pleasant warmth, something akin to your first sip of hot chocolate on an icy morning. It was like curling up in a warm blanket next to a fire as you watched your favorite show, the serene feeling of a bird’s tweet tickling your eardrums awakening you from a full night’s slumber.

Kihyun was confessing to you.

“I want you in the most innocent of ways. I want to kiss you awake on mornings and fall asleep to your snoring at night and cook with you and buy groceries and sit on the couch or on the floor listen to the kettle whistle when the water’s hot. [Y/N] if I could see I’d stare at a wall, but since there’s only darkness, even if it’s with you is bearable.”

“Shh. Don’t cry.” You comfort him, wiping away the stray tear that managed to escape. You forehead meets his gently as your own eyes fill with unshed tears.

“I always thought that I would be able to gaze into your eyes when I told you that. But I can’t. And then I’d lean right in and steal a kiss.” He sighs, seemingly wholeheartedly disappointed.

“I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve daydreamed about kissing you.” You laugh at yourself sniffling softly.

“Please.”

“Please what Kihyun?” You ask, suddenly flustered as he trails his hand up your arm to cup your face.

“Kiss me.” He mutters and you didn’t have to be asked twice.

You lips meet Kihyun’s for the first time, your eyes closing as your lips moved against each other feverently. Your face became hot, a blush scorching your cheeks as his hands moved up your hands to cup the back of your neck, his head tilting to deepen the burning desire that you were feeling for each other. Your lips melded against each other’s Kihyun tasting of just a hit of the chamomile tea he had not too long ago. He was eager and needy to taste your lips, you hadn’t even noticed when your tongues had gotten mixed up in trance you had fallen into. Only when you were nearly choking did you manage to pull away, but even then the kiss dissolved into soft pecks. You just couldn’t get enough of him.

When you do finally manage to break apart from him you begin to giggle. A stupid, sappy, happy feeling that you couldn’t help but let out as it bubbled up inside you.

“What’s so funny?” Kihyun asks defensively, hoping that you weren’t playing with his feelings and was not laughing at him.

“I feel like we’re such a mess.” You laugh, shaking your head. “You need me more than you ever did before and I’ve always been so painfully awkward but now, I’ve fallen for you, but at the same time I need you. You make me feel strong. And it’s nice to have someone depend on you.” You find yourself saying after some time with Kihyun’s head now resting on your shoulder, your fingers raking through his hair occasionally kissing his forehead, content in haven that you two provided for each other.

It’s quiet again. Comfortable silence, just you coexisting with your boyfriend in a cozy apartment. However, something was still bothering you.

“When are you gonna tell your parents?”

It’s still quiet, but now there’s tension lingering in the air, like an ominous feeling that something was coming. It honestly made you regret asking but it was too late for that now.

“Do we really need to talk about this?”

“Yeah, they’re your parents. They’ll be able to help you a lot Kihyun.”

“They’ll take me away from you.” Came his simple reply as he finally calmed down, slumping against you even more to lay his head on your thigh, his feet hanging over the end of the couch.

“I can’t live with them being angry at each other all the time. I was a miserable child but I kept it together for my older brother. He was so sweet, always trying to get my parents to calm down. It’s so funny that they had two kids when they seemed to hate each other so much.”

“Babe we don’t have to talk about it-” You begin, already feeling he direction this was going in but he cuts you off. Maybe this wasn’t the best time after all? 

“Babe?” Kihyun repeats with a smirk, a smug look staring you in the face.

“Shut up. Do you prefer I call you my baby?” You ask, pinching his cheeks and swooping down for another kiss. Kihyun only shrugs, a cheesy reply of, ‘Call me whatever you want as long as I get to call you mine’, to which you promptly tell him not to change the subject.

“I want to tell you. You’re going to need to know eventually. So it’s okay.” He reassures, taking a deep breath to continue.

“My brother is four years older than me, we didn’t see eye to eye all the time but, we were close. Well, at least I thought so.” A frown settles itself on Kihyun’s face as he relives the moment his brother broke his heart.

“What do you mean? What happened?” You fingers didn’t stop it’s gentle touch on his hair until he reached up for your hand, lacing his fingers with yours.

“The day after I turned 14, he just got up one day and packed and left. He left a note saying he couldn’t take it anymore and he wanted out. He sent letters for me but I never read them. Now I feel the same for him just as I do for my parents.

“You shouldn't hate them-”

“I don’t hate them. I just don’t feel anything for them anymore. After he left my dad forced his ideals onto me. He hated the fact that I wanted to be a music major. He wanted someone to slave after his accounting firm, he wanted to send me to business school and when I threatened to leave like my brother did my mother begged him to support me.”

“I’m sorry.” You sigh, people did shit jobs at raising their kids most of the time. “Don’t be. I’m their second son that they don’t want to lose contact with so I just take their money.” He shrugs, bringing your hand up to his lips to press a gentle kiss to the back of your palm.

“What do you mean they’ll take you away?”

“I know them. They’ll find some way to drag me back home and teach me brail and force me to walk with a cane and get me a fucking dog. I won’t be able to hear you reading to me or feel you next to me when I fall asleep anymore. I know I’ll eventually have to tell them but honestly,  I’m so scared. I was actually planning to tell them when the semester was close to starting again. I wanted to spend this last summer with you before I tell them and I have go away and-” You stop him before he could finish his sentence, your lips suddenly interrupting his words.

It was a welcomed interruption. He’d never get tired of feeling that smile tug upwards on his face whenever you did.

“We’re gonna tell them. And I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“You can’t cancel your life just for me.” Kihyun murmurs sadly, the cold hard truth in fact. He wanted you to live your life, regardless of if he would have only been a little part of it.

“I will. I’ll figure something out. But I won’t let you do this by yourself.” You silently give him your word, taking several more kisses from his lips again until his teeth are shining too brightly for you.

[abadspellr]

Prompts Based On Real Life Long Distance Relationships

What if your OTP is separated so one of them can chase their dream while the other waits for them? One of them is trying to write a love letter when the loneliness finally makes them break. Write this without using their names to help create a feeling of separation for yourself. 

Coming Home

     The papers in front of him crumpled and twisted, forming a ball of useless words and empty space to be thrown against the wall in frustration. This failed attempt at writing landed next to the previous failure, which sat atop another destroyed piece. These three formed the peak of a wrinkled white mountain of words, a monument to ineffectual words lacking the strength of emotion. All he wanted to do was convey a message to someone, a simple phrase that could encompass all that he felt. But how do you tell someone that she mean everything to you and make her see just how much everything is?

     Simply saying the words wasn’t enough; it would never be enough. The phrase was too general, too unfocused. It implied laziness, an unwillingness to describe how she made him feel whole and safe. It ignored the storm of sadness and pain she weathered with him when he was hurt and broken. It pushed aside the small moments of bliss before they began their day where they just laid together and held each other. Everything meant everything and nothing all at once.

     But to just tell her that he loved her was insufficient. He said it every day, the strength of emotion hidden behind the normalcy of the words. He said every variation of the phrase, hoping to illicit the same response; the small smile that reached her eyes and the happy little humming noise she made that told him she understood.  He tried to express it through actions as well, but they never felt genuine. She always appreciated the small coffee on her desk at 1:30 in the afternoon, or her favorite candles lit around a warm bath when she gets home, but those things never felt like they were enough.

     She was worth so much more than just those small gestures or the simple words on the pages laying at his feet. He couldn’t distill her down to just a few ideas about what happiness is supposed to mean, or how it felt to have warmth flow through him when she touched him. He needed her like he needed oxygen or water. She was as essential to his life and identity as anything. Without her he was a hollow shell, a facsimile of a person drifting listlessly through their days. He wasn’t himself without her.

     She was gone again, away on an excursion to work on her passion, reaching closer and closer to her dream. He was proud of her for taking the harder path, for working towards her desires even though it pushed her to her limits. She had taken a chance and was making the most of it, enjoying the good and the bad. She wanted this for herself and he would always support her because of it.

     Today was their anniversary, marking another year of being an “us”. But today marked another year where she spent more time away from home than with him. He cherished every moment she spent with him, even when they did nothing but exist in the same room. But as her absences increased, he came to dread her visits as much as he needed them. He would be whole but he was never be whole for long.

     He felt the tears falling again and watched the water stain the words on the page below. It was harder and harder to make it through the night without breaking down like this. He never told her about it because she didn’t need the added stress. She would call him and tell him about her work and her research and how she hated being alone and all he could do was offer platitudes because he was too busying crying himself.

     “Please,” he whispered into the empty room, “please just come back. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t do this anymore. I need you…please.”

     His shoulders heaved as he sobbed, begging for her to come back, his voice broken and defeated. The world closed in around him. A fist gripped his heart and squeezed, trying to crush him. For a second, he considered just giving up and resigning himself to being incomplete. He would live the rest of his life alone, remembering a time when he had experienced real happiness and hating himself for hoping. Hoping she would come back to him hurt even more than being alone.

     A crash sounded behind him and heavy footsteps drew his attention. A warm body slammed into his back and arms wrapped around his neck. Hot tears rolled down his neck as soft lips gently touched his neck. Hands gripped his shirt like a lifeline and reached up to touch them. As soon as his hand go close it was grabbed, familiar fingers lacing through his and squeezing hard.

     “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I love you. So much. So so much. I’m back and I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying. I’m staying. I love you.”

     Her voice was soft and laced with fear. Coming home to him weeping and begging her to come back would do that. He couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t respond at all. All he could do was resume his sobbing, but the tears were tears of joy. She was back. She was finally here with him.

     He turned in her grip and pulled her into her lap, her legs on either side of his. He crushed her to his chest and breathed in her scent, smelling fruit and lavender and her. She wrapped her arms and legs around him and ran her fingers through his hair, whispering sweet words in his ear. He relaxed under her touch, feeling months and months of anxiety and depression slowly melt away. He held her and she held him.

      They were finally home.

***

This prompt is based on my own long distance relationship. We have been together for 6 years but have spent 5 of them in different states. Sometimes it gets tough and today is one of those days. She is in grad school pursuing her dream of being a vet. I’m immensely proud of her, but sometimes I wish she would come home. Writing this was cathartic for me. I encourage other people to try using this prompt, for your OTP angst or your own life. It helped me, and maybe it can help you too. 

Tagging people who like Olicity stuff cuz this is technically an Olicity prompt.

@nvwhovian @almondblossomme, @cruzrogue, @pjcmfalcon, @the-silverforked-sky, @beinmyheart @hecatesan, @quiveringbunny and Everyone who likes prompts