#cheriediaries

[cheriediaries]

Huangshan, China | September 2023

[moncheriesu]

sometimes I wonder if someone has ever been afraid of losing me. as a friend? as a family? as a lover? would they cry for me when I'm longer gone?

[cheriediaries]

Huangshan, China | September 2023

[moncheriesu]

guys, it's hitting again.

[moncheriesu]

idk what I should call me for not being able to watch those classic romcom films like 13 going 30. but I think that's the thrill? I can use it as an excuse to watch movies with him ><

[moncheriesu]

feeling ko, I could've been in my full potential nung 3rd year ko kung hindi ko lang jinowa ex ko. tarantado kasi eh hahaha lagi ako pinapatulog na mabigat ang loob sa gabi.

[moncheriesu]

my dream after graduation is to support my mom in reviewing for the bar exams. I know she can do it 🥺

[moncheriesu]

HOLYSHIT GUYS MY LAYOUT ATE

[moncheriesu]

cw: suic!dal thoughts (but I got over it)

naalala ko lang how fucked up it was by the time I was dealing with everything that my ex have caused me. every day was really hard to endure. everyday felt the same and I just want to go sleep all day long.

watching totally spies helped me to cope but it wasn't really enough. there would be times at night when I was having s-thoughts because it felt like I was unlovable. na even if I tried, this person won't love me like I loved them. they cannot love me for who I am. it felt like it's all my fault and parang tinanggap ko sa sarili ko na I probably deserve all of those pain.

that familiar feeling from my 16 year-old self came rushing back. it felt like I was back to zero, dealing with everything all by myself.

it's been almost a year and I'm still here. my life has been never been better and I gained more genuine people in my life unlike before. I really don't know how I managed to be here, still standing. pero this is life and right now, I'm hopeful to live on it.

[moncheriesu]

cw: drunk texting irl (filo), mention of slut lmao.

nakakahiya talaga nung nalasing ako the other night. I didn't expect na lalabas pagiging needy ko for him. ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ siguro dahil masyado ko nirerepress yung side ko na yun. aside from that, i really missed him these days kasi sa super busy naming dalawa. I was waiting for him the whole day and I didn't know na nawalan sila ng power kaya I kept checking my phone. biglaan din yung aya ko kay bff na mag inom LOL. tho ever since he replied to me sa ig, I was tipsy pero naalala ko na my eyes were glued to my phone kasi he's the only one I've been waiting for. may nag away pa sa resto and I'm so deadma kasi I'm talking to my baby 🤭

he really makes me feel safe even if we were only talking on chats. when he said na he won't go, I felt secured and kaya I kept updating him 🥹 he even genuinely waited on me until I got home (kasi I asked him to). he was with me until I fell asleep. we even called !! pero I couldn't remember anything 😭 pero I just know, I missed hearing his voice 🥺 thankfully, I didn't say anything stupid and napigilan ko pa sabihin ang magic word (the 8 letters 😆)

(EXHIBIT A 👇🏻)

it makes me happy na we're back to being like this even if it is for a short time. gusto ko sulitin every moment with him while I have time pa. while we have time.

everything has been overwhelming for the both of us, ngl. It really makes me sad (just because I'm an empathetic person /pos) as well kapag he's not his usual self. pero pero peroooo, I wanna be with him through his ups and downs. I'm glad na he lets me be with his side in these kind of times instead of pushing me away :((

there are a lot of things we talked about pa when I was drunk but these were my fave moments with him.

oh god, I'm so inlove with him and I'm not even afraid to show it 🥺

I love him... so much ｡⁠:ﾟ⁠(⁠;⁠´⁠∩⁠`⁠;⁠)ﾟ⁠:⁠｡

my love for him is so full that it cannot fit my small heart :( how did I get so lucky to even meet him? how did I even manage to pull him? it really started out as a happy crush but now we're here 🥺 he really makes me happy. I love that for me, for the both of us.

[moncheriesu]

first day of clinical duty and I haven't slept yet

[moncheriesu]

a lot is going in my mind right now. having pre clinical duty anxiety atm. I am not prepared for all of this.

[moncheriesu]

I really don't know how I would cope with this burn out bro.

[moncheriesu]

I didn't deserve that kind of disrespect in the past. It may sound selfish but... it was always me. I don't care what they had to say. It has always been me.

Maybe, they really just held on the relationship for their own comfort.

Maybe I was just only convenient for them since I was always there.

I wish I never wasted energy on a person like that.

[moncheriesu]

comparing my entries from last year/earlier this year to now, I'm definitely happier ╰⁠(⁠*⁠´⁠︶⁠`⁠*⁠)⁠╯

[moncheriesu]

as someone who is used to troubles (aka overthinking) before I sleep, the feeling of settling with someone secure is soooo humbling.

it's so peaceful compared to where I was a year ago.