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a-painintheneck · 8 years ago

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Kiss Goodbye | Mila & Malachi

DATE ❦ June 17th, 2017 LOCATION ❦ Ashbourne, Nova Scotia. WORDCOUNT ❦ 4,653 TRIGGERS ❦ Claustrophobia, brief mention of holocaust. SUMMARY ❦ Mila and Malachi goes furniture shopping, have a heart to heart and it ends up with one of them disappearing out of thin air.

Mila still wasn't sure how to feel about all of this. Sure, she and Mal had talked, or at least texted, but she was still leery about the whole thing. And they were going to be living together. Not that she thought Mal was going to leap out of the shadows and start kicking the crap out of her. Except that had been her nightmare one night and it had been horrifying. Because she'd sensed he was there, but she hadn't been afraid, cuz it was Mal. Fuck. She loved him, he loved her, he said he'd never do it again. Except. Except. Except. Fucking hell. With her mood suitably shit, she stared up at IKEA. She'd played music during the drive up to get away from having to talk, but they weren't in the car anymore. "I'll grab a cart. Do you have a list of what we need?" Best to focus on the trip, right?

If Malachi had a heartbeat it would be thundering in his throat. This whole thing with Mila was … awkward and just plain awful. He continued to replay the events and how he reacted. The yelling and the sudden violent outburst. What was it that he was trying to prove? To show her that he was horrible? In some way he wanted to spare her the disappointment that would later when she realized she was giving her heart away to someone that didn’t deserve it. but he was too selfish to just let her go and like a dog he had returned to her with his tail between his legs and begging for forgiveness. When was the last time he actually did that? “Yeah…” They were shopping things for the house. The big furniture was pretty much covered but they still needed the little extra things. Malachi pulled out his phone where he had saved the list of things they needed. “We need kitchen appliances. I don’t know why since none of us can cook.”

Mila sighed. "We might, someday. Henryk could have secret talents in that department. Or... I dunno, maybe we'll have human house guests." She headed over and grabbed an enormous cart, pushing it resolutely towards the doors. They could do this. They could figure out a way to at least try to be normal. And they wouldn't have to have any kind of heart to heart. They'd be in IKEA, no one could possibly have an emotional conversation in this labyrinth. She grabbed a lamp randomly, it looked kind of cool, and wrote down the number of it. It had an unpronounceable Swedish name. "So, are you excited about having a studio?" Yay, inane conversation. So much fun.

Malachi had never been in a place like this before and he was ashamed to realize that he was just a little bit intimated. Everyone seemed to move with a purpose, knowing exactly were everything was while he couldn’t make heads or tails of the maze he had been dragged into. “I don’t think his talents extend to the kitchen.” He added, nonchalantly. He was a lot more comfortable about talking about him since their relationship had shifted. “I am. I miss painting.” Even though they were trying to act normal there was something between them, things that were being left unsaid. He could pretend all day long that their fight never happened but he knew that it wouldn’t make a difference. “And you? Still want to take the tower and make it your own?”

Mila had been to IKEA before, she'd had shitty apartments and needed the occasional piece of furniture that she wasn't willing to get from a second hand store or out of a dumpster. It was designed to make you confused and lost, as far as she could tell, all while assuring you that it was laid out in an orderly simple fashion. Jesus, what had the world done to the Swedish that this was their revenge? "Well, I can make ... eggs. And sandwiches. Pancakes. You know, basic shit. So that's something." She hung on to the cart, feeling more secure when she was in charge of it. "When did you learn how?" She didn't know nearly enough about Mal. She'd thought she had, but the intervening period of their separation had made her look back on what she did know and realize there were a ton of gaps. He'd kept saying she didn't know him. She didn't want him to be right. "No. Maybe just a part of it. I think we should all share it." She poked at what she thought were wineglass shelves, trying to work out why someone would need something so specific. "You know, you can paint, Henryk can ... I don't know, plot more things for strippers to do. I can listen to music. It can be a hang out." That had been her plan before. She refused to back down from it.

“Since when? And how is it that you’ve never cooked for me?” Mila didn’t seem to overwhelmed by the place so in a way she was making Malachi feel a lot less uptight about it. They were walking towards the bedroom section and he noticed all of the different sets that were on display. Nothing that really caught his eye. “I always liked to draw. I think it began when I was a kid but I didn’t really started to pain until I was in my twenties. It was a good distraction.” He laughed when she spoke of the tower and how they were going to share the space. He could see it all in his head. Him, standing in one corner staring at a canvas with Mila’s music playing in the background and Henryk doing Henryk things. Finally they turned the corner and made it to the kitchen area. Mila was started to poke around and for a moment Malachi got distracted with knife sets. “I’d like that”

"When have you ever asked? I'm not your maid." That felt more like the old them. But then there was the whole love confession thing hanging between them, because before Mila would have made a comment about only making food for people who slept over, but now, she wasn't sure if she should. She made a note that she'd need a bed frame, preferably a queen or king. She'd spent her life in too small beds, she was going to make up for that now. "Distraction from what? My bubby had a record collection of old klesmer music and when she died, I inherited it. That was the beginning of my collection. I used to listen to it when I missed her." She coughed and pointed at the toasters. "We should get one of those." His comment made her look at him, which was probably a mistake. It made her stomach roil around. First, there was just seeing him, and remembering that he was in fact as hot as the last time she'd looked. Then there was seeing him, and remembering what it felt like when he'd hurt her. Then, it was seeing him, and missing the feeling of standing closer and wanting to make him laugh. Then, it was seeing him, and wanting to kiss him. It felt like every time she saw him, she saw more, and it never got easier. "Okay. But I'm still making one of the windows into a princess spot." Pausing, she let go of the cart, which was a mistake, taking a step closer to Mal on the pretext of looking at the Ordensten, which was apparently the best dish rack in the universe. She stood close enough that her fingers brushed his. Maybe this was a mistake. She stepped through what she thought was a doorway and realized she'd walked into a fake bathroom. She tried the door. It was locked. "Why do I keep getting locked in bathrooms?"

“You could have offered?” Malachi replied, laughing like they used to. Still, it felt like something was missing. Like there was a dark cloud looking over them threatening to rain over their little get together. She told him something he didn’t know about her and it made him smile. He always enjoyed discovering new things about people, specially when it was someone he cared about. “Distraction from life? Poverty. The war.” He swallowed, trying not to meet her gaze and reaching for one of the knifes to inspect it closer. Mila was then pointing towards the toasters, so Malachi reached for one and threw it in the cart. “We also need a blender. For Bloody Mary’s” Lips curled into a smile and he watched her come closer. She was talking and pretending to poke something with one hand while the other one was strategically placed close to his own. The tip of their fingers brushed slightly and he would have grabbed it to hold it but she was pulling away and walking through one of the doors that led to a bathroom. Her question would’ve made him laugh if the situation had been different. Malachi hated this. Walking on tip toes and dancing around something that was obviously bothering the two of them. So he followed her, standing inches away from her. “Mila…” He swallowed and then sighed, not really know how to word things. “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” He had said it before, but texting it and actually saying it were two different things. It carried a different weight. “Are you scared of me?”

They were now both in the fake bathroom, with the door that didn't work, and Mila wished that she'd just ordered the stuff online. An enormous store was still somehow not enough space. But if they couldn't handle this, they couldn't handle living together, and she'd sworn they were going to do that. She kept her back to him, fiddling with the doorknob like it was magically going to open. "I know." And then he of course asked the tricky question. She shrugged. "A little. It's complicated." Wasn't it always? "It's not like I think you're gonna rip my heart out or anything, I just ..." She leaned back just the slightest bit, not enough to actually lean on him, but more near him. "I'm kinda scared that I'll trust you when you say it won't happen again, and then it will." She crossed her arms. "Brand wanted to break pieces off of you, and I made him promise not to, because I didn't want anyone to hurt you. But ... if it happens again, he might kill you. And I might not stop him. Cuz ... cuz I can't be with someone who hurts me like that. I just can't. I'm afraid enough as it is, I don't wanna be afraid of you too."

It was as if Malachi had forgotten about the fact that he didn’t need to breathe because he could have sworn he was hyperventilating. The room was just too small but he refused to move from where he was standing. Mila was trying to focus on the door knob, attempting to open it and not really turning to face him. And he wanted to pull her towards him, force her eyes to meet his, but he couldn’t touch her. The truth was that he was afraid that if he touched her she’d recoil and he wouldn’t be able to handle that rejection from her. Mila finally started to speak but nothing she said made him del any better. Perhaps it wasn’t supposed to. He didn’t get to feel god after what he’d done. ‘I see.” He looked down, for a moment a little ashamed to meet her gaze. It made him angry with himself for he knew that if anyone had treated Mila this way he would have killed them. “If it happens again, I’d want him to.” He could barely live with himself now. Guilt, he despised the feeling. He had mastered the ability to feel nothing. No regrets. And now he could’t make it stop. “I don’t expect you to trust me. I don’t trust myself most of the time. But … you’re my girl. Our girl. You, me and Henryk. We have something, yeah?”

Mila could hear Malachi breathing, which didn't strike her as odd at first, but the quieter it was, the more she became aware of it. He didn't even need to breathe, but he was sucking air like he'd run a mile. Finally, she turned around, if only just to tell him to stop breathing, since it was unnecessary and kind of freaking her out. He wasn't looking at her, which was fair, they were both struggling with that a little. She could kick him to get his attention, she supposed, but maybe it was better this way. She couldn't help taking his hand when he said they had something. "Yeah. We do." It was stupid, but hanging onto him made her feel better. "Maybe if you told me why you freaked out, it would help. You know, so I'm not spending the next however long trying to figure out what it was I did that was so bad that you went absolutely apeshit."

They did, didn’t they? Malachi was not sure what it was or it was supposed to work but he wasn’t stupid. He had seen it. they way they were with one another. The way she and Henryk smiled at one another and how she was always looking for a reason to touch him. And the way she was with him. How she clung to him sometimes and how much he enjoyed having her close. Malachi wasn’t going to try and make heads or tails of it because it would drive him insane. What he felt for Henryk and what he felt for Mila were completely different. The love he felt for Henryk was ravenous. There was no other word he could describe it. He felt it in his bones. What he felt for Mila was softer, more delicate but it was there and the more he realized that it existed the more it scared him. She held his hand, and it made his chest feel like it was about to concave. “It wasn’t something you did. I guess you were right. When you said that I was afraid of being loved because … I don’t know what to do with that feeling. And I just thought … if I could make you hate me that it would make things easier. I’d rather lose you on my own terms than to lose you later when I’m way too deep. You and Henryk. You’re all I have.”

Mila sighed when he explained and took a step closer, so that her chest was maybe an inch or two from his. She looked up at him and tilted his chin to make him look her in the eye. "I can't promise to stay with you forever and ever, Mal. We haven't even tried this yet. And I don't wanna feel like it's forever or nothing, cuz I'll freak out. Six months is a lot for me, let alone eternity, okay? But I'm not gonna run away just cuz you show me your dark bits. I know they're there." Tucking her hair behind her ears, she took an unnecessary breath. "You and me and Henryk, whatever it is we've got going on, we should give it a try. And things might go badly and suck. That's just ... that's a risk you take anytime you love someone, right? But it might not. And it might be awesome for a while before it sucks, and maybe that'll make it worth it. Who knows? I wanna try, even if it all goes to hell." She pursed her lips for a moment. "You guys are worth the risk. To me."

How was it that she could be this insightful? Made him nauseated. Malachi might be a lot older than her but he had the maturity of a child in comparison. He couldn’t blame the war, really. Or his time in the camps. He was already an adult when he got captured. Still, they did plenty of damage to his psyche and this was the result. An emotional mess. He knew, deep down, how ridiculous it was to expect for someone to stay with you forever. Specially when forever was such a long time for a vampire. He knew that one day she’d find someone else that would treat her how she deserved to be treated and walk away from him. Same went for Henryk. He had managed to convince him to embark in some monogamous type of relationship but he was not sure how long that would last. They were vampires, and vampires were known for being sexual creatures. He could try and hold on for as long as possible, like pulling a rope until his fingers would blister. Or until it snapped. “I realize that, Mils. I know this is not … nothing lasts forever. I’m just not very good at letting go. I’m great at pushing though.” Pushing people away was easy. All he had to do was find their buttons and do something they considered unforgivable. Voila. Gone forever. He would be free and he would no longer have to live with the impending doom of their departure. He thought about what he told Henryk once. “No risk, no reward.” He added, smiling at how everything seemed to come full circle. “Can we get out of here?” It might seemed silly but he really needed some air.

Mila pushed him lightly, grinning. It was the first time she'd really touched him, other than holding his hand. "I can push you away too. But you always come back." She rested her hand on his chest, even if his heart didn't beat anymore. "And I'll come back too. Even if we're not an us anymore. If you want me to, I'll always come back. We're best friends, right? No matter what." She nodded. No risk, no reward. He wanted to leave the weird bathroom, and she nodded, but kissed him lightly first. It wasn't an invitation to kiss more, she just wanted to see if it still ... moved her. If whatever had happened between them had wrecked that, she wanted to know. But no. Kissing him had the same effect as ever. It made her want to do it again.

She tugged at him, claiming that she could push him just as easily and reassuring him that she would come back if he asked her to. He would to. “Best friends.” Malachi repeated with a smile across his lips but before he knew it she was standing on her tip toes and giving him a kiss. He was not sure the reason behind it but it was nice to know that they could go back to how they were before. That they were no longer in that awkward spot. Instead of kissing her again though, he threw his arms around her and pulled her in for a hung. Felt like he needed one. When he pulled away, he gave her a peck across her jack and reached for her hand. The cart was looking pretty pathetic. Nothing but a lonely toaster. He decided to just leave it and head outside for a second so he didn’t feel like he was suffocating. Once they made it outside into the parking lot he started to feel a lot better.

Mila hugged him back, pulling tight against him, happy that they were hugging and close and even if things were still fucked up, they at least still had that. She nuzzled his cheek and took his hand, leaving IKEA and leading him back to the car, sitting on the hood instead of getting back into it. She pulled him close so that he could stand slotted between her legs. "You okay? You looked like you were getting kind of claustrophobic." She tilted her head. "Wait, ARE you clautrophobic?" Remembering him being locked in the cellar, she pulled him into a tight hug. "OHMYGOD!"

Malachi took a large gulp of air, feeling slightly ridiculous but it made him feel a lot less lightheaded. Mila had pulled him towards the car where she sat right on the hood. He always thought he fit perfectly between her legs. He stood there for a moment with his eyes closed when Mila came to a realization. He didn’t talk about it. Made him feel foolish. Vampires can’t breathe so it was more a psychological thing that a physical one. It was awful. The feeling of being trapped. Like the walls were closing in on him. “It’s not a big deal.” He tried shrugging it off as if it was nothing important, because really it wasn’t.

He was gulping air like a fish, since it didn't do either of them any good. Mila petted his hair and waited for him to get himself under control. She really wasn't sure what you were supposed to do, if anything, for a claustrophobic vampire. "It's obviously a big deal cuz it freaked you out." She kept her arms around his waist. "You're allowed to not be untouchable, dummy. I tell you about the shit I'm afraid of all the time. I mean, I know it's probably a longer list, but still, c'mon."

Malachi swallowed and licked his lips. She was trying to get him to talk about it, which wasn’t something that came easy for him. “They used … lock us up in small unventilated rooms. Loads of us, like sardines. And it’s just …” He cleared his throat and smiled, weakly at her then moved in to give her a kiss. “I’m alright. Just needed to get out of there. This is good.”

The mention of being locked up made Mila pull him tighter and catch at his mouth when he leaned in to kiss her. She was still afraid, and still didn't quite trust him, but she wanted him not to have that look on his face more than she felt either. She kept kissing him, her hands pressing under his shirt against his skin, as if she could ground him out here, away from small rooms, where it felt like just the two of them in the whole world.

The soft kiss turned into something more and before he knew it she was pressing on to him. Malachi welcomed it for a moment because it was a reassurance that he needed and because he had missed her. He separated their lips, keeping their foreheads touching. “Look uhm - we should talk. I mean, the three of us.” He didn’t want to seem like he didn’t want to keep going because he did, but after the talk with Henryk and their understanding that they were going to exclusive, he didn’t want to do something that would make the other angry. He pushed her hair from her face, loving it behind her ear. “I want to do things right for once.”

He pulled away and Mila nuzzled his nose. "Okay. But Henryk is just gonna cross his arms and claim not to know what feelings are. I speak from experience on this one. I'm pretty sure we might have to tie him to the bed to get him to take part in another conversation that involves the l-word." That wasn't really fair, Henryk had actually handled it really well. "Maybe I just wanna tie him to the bed." She laughed and kissed his hand when he tucked her hair behind her ear. "Sounds new and different. Let's give it a try."

Malachi didn’t want to fuck things up. It seemed silly now after trying to push her away and acting like a complete ass. But he wanted to do things the right way and maybe … just maybe, he could finally allow himself to be happy. When she described Henryk’s reaction he had to laugh. It was soft, but felt natural. “He doesn’t do well with words. I don’t think tying him will be necessary, but I’m not completely against it. I already have the hand cuffs.” Another laugh and he was already forgetting that he had been panicking a few moments ago. she kissed his hand, which was new and weird but he liked it. “So that’s the plan. Let’s go home, tie Henryk … preferably naked … and have the talk. See how it goes.”

Mila snorted. "That is a very nice way of saying that he thinks it's all bullshit, but yeah. You and your hand cuffs." She snorted and cocked her head to the side. "Wait, are we tying Henryk up while he's naked, or tying Henryk up while we're naked? Or both?" She slid her hands into his back pockets and squeezed his ass, pausing and giving him a more serious look. "I'm still working on this whole forgiveness thing, you're not completely off the hook. I just - love you just a little too much to give you the cold shoulder."

Malachi quirked his brow to think about the possibilities. “The three of us naked is not a good idea if we want to actually have a conversation.” He gave her another small and a sigh when she told him he wasn’t completely off the hook. He nodded, because he understood and appreciated the fact that she was willing to give him another chance. “Good, because your cold shoulder kinda sucks.” He was craving a cigarette now after all of that song and dance but when he patted his jacket he realized he didn’t have his lighter. “Don’t move, I just need to fetch my lighter from the car. One smoke and then we can return to that mayhem.” He brushed his hand against her cheek and then made his way towards the driver’s seat, popping the door open and sticking his head inside to look for the damn thing.

"We can always have a conversation afterwards. Or I can tie both of you to the bed and then we can talk. I'm capable of controlling myself, even when tempted with perfect specimens like you two. Plus, if you're both tied to the bed, I can shove a sock in your mouth if you start getting lippy. I'm liking this idea more and more." Mila dusted off her shoulders like she was clearing away snow. "There, warmer now." He tried to find his cigarettes and Mila groaned, since they were gross. Vampire senses were kind of a letdown in the cigarette department. "Fine. But if you get to smoke, I get to buy decorative mirror frames. Multiple mirror frames." She leaned back on the hood and closed her eyes, waiting for him to grab his lighter. It was quiet, and then, just like that, she was gone.

Yes, he would let her buy anything she wanted. It’s not like he cared about aesthetics. Malachi was shoving his hand underneath the front seat but no luck. “Can’t find this damn thing. You didn’t take it, did you?” He sighed, hitting his head on the steering wheel which made the horn sound loudly. “Mils? Did you hear me?” He pulled away, closing the door but when he turned she wasn’t there. “Mila?” No sign of her. Thinking that maybe she had gone back inside, Malachi returned to the building and looked everywhere. In every aisle but nothing. “The user of this device is not avai-“ The default voicemail message rang inside his ears for the fourth time and Malachi sighed in frustration. Once outside again he dialed her number again, fingers shaking as he feared the worst. He could hear it. Her ring town coming from a few feet away. He stared at it for a few minutes before crouching down to reach for it. It was cracked and his heart sank to his gut.

#chatzy: mila #holocaust tw #event: gone #mila 16

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