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fortheloveofpearlet · 8 years ago

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Wilting Flowers - Pearlet [Chapter 9]

This is the sequel to Wild Flowers (find the masterpost here). Set two years later (imagine Wild Flowers was set in 2014).

I’ve decided to keep posting this for now seeing as a couple of you are still reading this, and I love you for that. Chapter contains angst, mentions of rough sex and some Trixya and Thorcid.

Chapter 9

/// Present Day - Wednesday, 1.16 am

Detective Donigan stretched his arms above his head and groaned a little at the pain in his shoulder as he stifled a yawn. It had been almost two years since his promotion to night shift detective but he was still struggling to get used his nocturnal lifestyle. He rubbed his tired eyes and tried to focus on the case notes in front of him. Just then there was a gentle tap at his office door and then it opened and Brian walked in.

'Hey, long time no see McCook.' He smiled a little as the older man entered.

'Yeah, not very often you'll catch me here at this hour.' He chuckled but it wasn't a genuine laugh.

'What's up?' Daniel asked him, sensing he was fed up. Brian rolled his eyes.

'Jake arrested our friend Matt. I was trying to talk him into letting him go but you know Jake, he's stubborn as fuck when he wants to be.'

'Yeah.' Daniel agreed. 'You look tired.'

'I seem to remember you telling me that once before.' Brian chuckled again.

'Did you ever get that vacation?' Daniel asked him. It had been one of the last conversations they'd had before Daniel was sent undercover, at the Justin Honard crime scene. Brian swore once they caught Santino he was going to go on vacation.

'Sadly not. I met Bri and he...he needed me.' Brian sighed.

'Things not so good with you two?' Daniel leant forward on his desk.

'It's fine. You're busy, I don't want to bother you with my relationship problems.'

'It's ok, it's a slow night. I was just looking over old case files.' Daniel shrugged.

'It's nothing really. He's just been having a hard time in the build up to the trial. Obviously having to relive everything has been hard on him. I guess it's been hard on me too. But I've got to stay strong for him.'

'It's not always easy being the strong one.' Daniel sighed.

'Yeah tell me about it.' Brian agreed. 'Anyway I should go home, I'm exhausted. Have a good night.'

'You too.' Daniel said and then Brian took his leave. Daniel sighed again sitting back in the chair. Sometimes he felt like a fraud. When Charles had offered him the promotion after everything went down in the basement, Daniel had almost declined. He'd been about ready to quit the NYPD entirely in fact. Maybe he was being over dramatic but his time in that basement had scared him. He'd not had it as bad as the others of course, he'd never had to have sex with any of those men but there had been a time he'd really thought he wasn't going to get out of there. And then of course there was the shooting. He'd been a cop for almost three years when he'd gone undercover and before that day he'd never had a weapon drawn on him. He remembered the way that bullet had come towards him as though it was yesterday. He remembered the crippling fear that coursed through his body as he'd watched the bullet fly through the air in slow motion. He remembered the pain, the blood. They'd removed the bullet and he had a small circular scar on the front of his shoulder and he didn't have full movement of his arm. He still didn't know why the Serge had promoted him, in his eyes he hadn't done anything. He also felt like the other cops he'd worked with, the ones that had been doing this longer than him looked down on him for his promotion. He didn't always feel like he completely belonged. Sometimes he still thought that maybe being a cop wasn't for him. He sighed again and went back to looking over his case files. Detective Donigan. It sometimes felt like a joke.

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Brian heaved a sigh as he entered his and Bri's bedroom. It was odd the younger man not being here, since the day Bri had come home with him after being released from the hospital, they hadn't spent a single night apart. Brian sat down on the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. He felt about twice his age tonight. He missed Bri, he didn't know how he was going to sleep without him in his arms. Also he was annoyed at both Matt and Jake and was still reeling from Jake's confessions earlier. He remembered years ago when Jake and Matt had been about fifteen when Jake had first told him about his feelings for Matt. It was before Brian was friends with them, he'd been at Jake's house hanging out with his older brother. He'd been passing Jake's room after he'd been to the bathroom and he'd seen the younger boy looking sad and confused sat on his bed. He knew the younger boy was gay and being that he was too, he'd always felt the need to look out for him. So he'd asked Jake what was wrong and Jake had spilled everything. He told him that he had a crush on his friend Matt who Brian had seen at the house before but Jake didn't think Matt liked boys and he didn't want to feel this way about his best friend. They talked about it quite a bit over the next few years but after a while, Jake seemed to just get over it. He stopped mentioning his feelings for Matt and Brian assumed they had gone away. It had been a shock to say the least hearing all that tonight. He couldn't believe Jake would be so stupid as to send Matt's parents that letter. And for him to basically talk Max into dumping Matt, that had made Brian's head spin. If Matt was to ever find out it would ruin their friendship beyond all repair. And that was the only reason Brian was going to stay quiet. Because if he ruined their friendship he knew it would effectively ruin his friendship with both of them as well. And to be honest, Brian didn't really have anyone else. Sure he had Bri, but Bri had his own stuff going on. If Brian was having a bad day and needed to blow off steam with a few drinks he would call Jake or he would call Matt if he still lived in state. As much as Jake annoyed Brian, as much as he pissed him off, without him, he didn't really have a whole lot else. God that made him feel sad. He loved Bri, so much, but he didn't always feel like he could talk to him. He didn't want to burden Bri when Bri was still dealing with the aftermath of what happened to him. Brian liked to think he helped, but sometimes he felt useless. Like right now. He understood that it was conflict of interest for them be around each other during the trial, what with Brian being one of the cops who had also had to testify. But he wanted to make sure Bri was ok, which he was sure he wouldn't be. He worried that the younger boy would be falling apart right now and he couldn't do anything about it. Sometimes, and he didn't like this, but sometimes he thought his life had probably been easier before he met Bri. Sure he'd been lonely, he'd longed for someone to share his life with but maybe getting involved with someone that had been through so much wasn't his best idea. But he hadn't been able to stop himself falling for Bri. Brian had always been somewhat of a martyr, that's why he became a cop, to help people but he never imagined he'd take it this far. Maybe that's what the initial attraction had been to Bri, that he needed help and Brian always wanted to help people. But it had become much more than that really quickly. This man had needed him and Brian had fallen in love with him. But being in love with someone who was broken was hard. Because sometimes Brian felt powerless to help. Sometimes he felt like he wasn't strong enough to hold together Bri's broken pieces.

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/// Brian McCook - New York, 2014

I'd just been to check on Jason at the hospital. I think something might have happened when I snuck him out to see Matt because when I mentioned his name Jason just started crying. I left him alone after that, it seemed sensible that way. Most of the men seemed to be doing well, no one had been seriously injured except Santino and no one was bothered about that. Of course Danny hadn't made it, and I knew I should feel good for getting most of the men out of there alive but I couldn't help but focus on the negative. Danny shouldn't have had to die this way. I'd had to be the one to tell his parents and no matter how many times in my career I'd had to give people the news that a loved one had died, it never got easier. But that was part of the job, I'd wanted to be a cop and that came with the territory. I ran my fingers through my hair, I was about ready to call it a night and head home. Just then I heard the faint sound of crying coming from one of the rooms. I went up to the door to see one of the men we'd rescued, I think his name was Brian too, burying his head into the pillow and crying quietly. I wanted to go home, I so badly needed to sleep but I never could turn my back on someone that needed help. Damn my good nature. I sighed and gently tapped on the door and cautiously let myself in.

'Uhm hi...' I whispered. 'I'm detective McCook, is everything ok?'

The younger man sniffed and looked at me through large tear filled eyes.

'Not really no.' He croaked.

'Want to talk about it?' I sat down in the chair next to his bed even though I'm not sure he wanted me there. The younger boy heaved a sigh and wiped his tears on the bed sheet.

'I finally told my mom the truth about what happened to me as a kid, why I ran away. And now she hates me.' He looked like he was going to cry all over again but he was clearly trying to put on a brave face.

'Why did you run away?' I asked him softly. I didn't know if he wanted to talk but I am a cop and people usually trusted me.

'My step-dad used to beat me up, for years. He always said I was too feminine and that no man should act the way I did. He always used to call me a trixie, which I guess is why I used it for my drag name; I wanted to take back the power associated with that word you know? But then he caught me doing drag and he beat me so bad I ended up in hospital. The second I was well enough, I ran away. But I never told my mom what he did. I always thought it would make things worse.' Another small tear rolled down his cheek.

'But you've told her now?' I couldn't help but put my hand on top of his. I really was a sucker for someone in trouble.

'Yeah but she didn't believe me. She told me I was making it up. So I told her if she wasn't going to believe her only child, then I never wanted to see her again.'

I squeezed his hand, hoping to comfort him. It broke my heart when parents did this to their kids. It baffled me that in this day and age people could still be so cruel to their own flesh and blood just because they were gay. I'd gotten lucky, my family were incredible when I'd come out. I'd been worried about being an out gay cop but I'd never had any issues. And that's the way it should be.

'I'm really sorry.' I whispered. His eyes looked so sad, it really did break my heart. I sometimes think I care too much for my own good.

'I don't know what I'm going to do. I've got nowhere to go.' He sniffed heavily biting his lip. I gave his hand another squeeze.

'I've got a spare room, you can stay with me until you get back on your feet.' I knew I shouldn't say that, was I really taking people in off the streets now? Jake would tell me I'm an idiot. The Serge wouldn't be happy. But there was something about this man. It wasn't just that he was sad and that he needed help, there was more to it. I don't know what it is, I just felt drawn to him; like I was supposed to protect him.

'You don't have to do that. I'm not your problem.'

'No one said you were a problem. And I insist. I couldn't live with myself if you ended up on the streets.' I smiled comfortingly at him. He turned his hand over that I'd been holding so he could link his fingers with mine.

'Thank you.' He sniffed, a few more tears falling from his eyes. 'No one’s ever been this nice to me before.'

I used my other hand to stroke the tears from his cheeks as they fell.

'It's ok, honestly it's no big deal.' It would be a big deal once it got out at the station.

'I really, really appreciate it.' He tried to smile. 'I'm Brian by the way.' He shrugged still holding my hand for dear life.

'Yeah I know. Me too.' I chuckled a little. He frowned a little for a second.

'In that case, call me Bri. Saves confusion.'

'Ok Bri.' I smiled and even once his tears had stopped I carried on cupping his face. Bri didn't seem to mind. He stifled a yawn, I wonder if these men ever got a good night’s sleep where they'd been.

'Do you want me to leave and let you get some sleep?' I finally let go of his face but carried on holding his hand.

'No.' His face paled and his bottom lip quivered. 'Would you mind staying? Or do you have to get back to work?'

'It's ok.' I stroked his hand with my thumb. 'I've been off the clock for hours, I was just checking up on people.'

'That's so sweet.' Bri smiled a little. 'You should go home then. Don't worry about me.'

'Hey.' I squeezed his hand again. 'I'm not going anywhere. You get some rest, I'll be right here when you wake up.'

His eyes welled again but no more tears fell. I could see in his eyes that no one had ever been this nice to him before and I could see how much he appreciated it.

'Thank you.' He smiled softly. He rolled his head to the side on the pillow and closed his eyes. I made sure to keep a tight hold of his hand as I got comfortable in my chair. I was tired and I was achy and I felt like I was about eighty years old. But as long as Bri needed me I was going to be here. I knew for a fact I was going to stay by his side for as long as he wanted to me to. I could tell already that I was going to fall for this man. Hook line and sinker. Five minutes with him and he already had my heart. Sometimes I just needed to cling to things like this as a way of repenting I guess. Sometimes I went the extra mile to make up for my one big sin. But whatever the reason, it had brought me to Bri. Maybe Bri was the universes way of saying it finally forgave me?

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/// Karl Westerberg - New York, 2011

I was sat on Raven's bed between his legs while he cut my hair that had become a little unruly recently. A few weeks ago Thorgy and Acid had come down one day and ushered us all in the back of a transit van. They didn't say where we were going, they just threw us in. We were in there for hours and none of us had any idea where we were going or why. We'd made a pit stop along the way and Roxxxy had tried to escape. He'd been caught and returned to the back of the van beaten black and blue. When we arrived at our destination he was taken away and he hasn't come back yet. I wondered if the move had anything to do with that cop that had turned up at a hotel I'd been at and harassed me with questions. When I'd been picked up that night and Acid saw the bruises starting to form he'd taken to me straight to Santino who had forced me to tell him what had happened to me. Days later we were put in the transit van and ended up here. From what I've heard the others say, I think we might be in New York but I've never been there so I don't know for sure. The basement is just as dark and dingy as it had been in Chicago but after four years of this life I'd pretty much gotten used to it. I know that sounds depressing, but you kind of reside yourself to this life once you've lived it long enough.

'Much better.' Raven spoke up, wiping the stray hair from the back of my neck.

'Thanks boo.' I turned and smiled at him, giving him a small hug.

'Welcome.' He kissed my cheek. Raven was probably the only person in here I'd consider a friend. He'd been down here almost two years now, we were the two longest serving men here. I worried about him sometimes, he had a tendency to get into fights with his tricks. He'd been warned by Thorgy and Acid on several occasions and I was scared of what would happen when he pushed too far. I'm not sure I'd cope without him. I slumped on my own mattress next to Raven's just as the large metal door opened. Acid and Thorgy carried in Roxxxy's replacement, Acid had his arms and Thorgy had his legs. The man was dumped on the bed the other side of Raven's. He was unconscious, they all were when they were brought down here. It was so they could microchip them. When I'd first been kidnapped we had small trackers that were attached to our ankles but a few years ago they'd upgraded to the microchips. One day we'd been brought our breakfast and one by one we'd all fallen unconscious. When we woke up we'd all been chipped. I watched Raven study the boy after Thorgy and Acid left.

'Young.' Raven looked back at me.

'So was I when I first got here.' I told him. 'Don't know what they wanted with you old man.' I poked my tongue out at him. He was only a few years older than me but most of the men that ended up down here were taken as teenagers whereas Raven had been twenty-two when he was snatched. I liked to tease him about his age.

'Oh hush your mouth.' Raven rolled his eyes and looked back at the newbie. 'He's kinda cute.' He raised his eyes and pouted his lips which made me laugh.

'You are terrible.' I chuckled. 'Hey JJ!' I called across the room. 'Got a spare blunt? My dealer flaked on me last night.'

Jade Jolie looked up from where he had just finished rolling one and sighed.

'I'm pretty sure you already owe me like four blunts.' He laughed a little. 'I'm going to start keeping track one of these days.' He tossed the blunt across the room and I caught it with ease.

'Thanks babe.' I winked at him which made him pull a face.

'Stop flirting with me you thirsty ho. I've told you before, you just don't do it for me Miss Manila.' He blew me a kiss. I lit the blunt and exhaled the smoke heavily.

'You should be so lucky to have all this Filipino ass.' I winked at him again and he just laughed and went back to rolling another blunt for himself. Sometimes it wasn't completely terrible being down here. Sometimes when we had the right mix of personalities and everyone was getting along it wasn't so bad. I laid down and carried on sucking on the blunt. I saw Raven look over at the new kid every so often. Raven never usually paid the new kids any attention. This felt different somehow. I guess I'd have to wait and see.

A little while later the new kid woke up and panicked like they all do. When you'd been down here as long as I had it got it a little annoying to be honest. The way they would desperately try to escape as though no one had ever tried that before. As if we'd all still be down here if it was that easy. Once he'd calmed down a little I was surprised when Raven sat down next to him and put his hand on his thigh. Raven wasn't the sweet, comforting type, that's why I liked him so much. This was weird. I rolled onto my side so I could watch this go down.

'Hey,' he whispered to the newbie. 'I'm Raven, what do people call you?'

'P-people?' The guy stuttered.

'Yeah, do you have a drag name?'

The new guy looked like he was thinking about this for a minute.

'Uhm, people call me Adore.' He spoke quietly.

'Well I get that, you are adorable.' Raven chuckled a little but Adore didn't. I snarled a little, what the fuck was happening to Raven? I'd never seen him like this before. Clearly, he had a crush. I couldn't exactly blame him, Adore was gorgeous, but did he not get fucked enough? Jesus, what a thirsty bitch.

'What's going on? Why am I here?'

Raven explained everything to Adore and Adore cried heavily into Raven's arms. When someone cried Raven was usually the one to tell them shut up. I'd lost count of the amount of times I'd heard him tell people, suck it up buttercup. Yes, he definitely had a crush. Raven looked up at me as he held Adore. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him and he just shrugged. I sat back up, feeling as though my nice little buzz from earlier was wearing off from what I was watching.

'Hey JJ.' I called over to him. He sat up with a look on his face that told me he already knew what I wanted.

'Gurl I swear to god you fucking owe me big.' He reached next to his bed for his paraphernalia and tossed it over to me.

'How about I suck your dick?' I teased with a wink, we both knew that was never going to happen.

'In your dreams sweetheart.' He winked back and then he laid back down. I looked back over at Raven who was still holding Adore and I scoffed.

'Suck it up newbie.' I called. He looked at me, his bottom lip quivering.

'Leave him alone Manila.' Raven told me a little sternly. I pulled a face and turned away from him. Adore better not steal my best friend. I would kill him if he did. It was all for one in this fucking place and Raven was my friend, not his. I don't even care how pathetic that sounds.

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/// Present Day - Wednesday, 1.25 am

'What are you thinking about?' Jerick asked Karl softly as he was staring skywards. He turned to look at Jerick with a sigh.

'Adore.' He confessed.

'It's horrible what happened to him. To survive so long in that place just to die once he gets out.'

'At least he's with Raven now.' Karl smiled a little.

'Who's Raven?' Jerick asked softly.

'He was our friend down there. Well, he and Adore were more than friends. Adore missed him every single day.'

'Were they like together?'

'Kind of. As much as you can be down there.'

'At least they're probably happy now.'

'Yeah.' A small tear rolled down Karl's cheek. Jerick cupped his face.

'What's wrong?' He asked him.

'I don't know.' Karl tried to laugh. 'This whole situation is just so emotional.' A few more tears fell from his eyes and Jerick wrapped his arms around him. He hated that he loved how Karl felt in his arms.

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Shane had fallen asleep as soon as they'd reached their climaxes. Jamin hadn't. He laid awake watching Shane sleep, he had a small smile on his lips as he slept and Jamin would be willing to bet that was the first time he'd fallen asleep smiling in a long time. They both knew what happened next. They both knew Jamin couldn't give Shane the life he wanted. And that's why Jamin had to leave before he caused Shane anymore pain. It took every ounce of strength he had to leave Shane's bed and get dressed again. Once he had his clothes back on he turned back to look at the beautiful sleeping man. He felt tears behind his eyes. He wished he could be with him, but it wasn't that easy. He bowed his head and kissed Shane gently on his cheek so as not to wake him.

'I'm so, so sorry baby. There will always be a part of me that will love you.' He whispered and then he tip toed to the door, opened it quietly and shut it behind him. He sighed heavily once he was in the corridor. He was going to miss Shane so much. But there was no going back. Jamin was a different person to who he'd been back then. His heart couldn't love like that. He was cold and hard and he treated men like dirt. Because that's the person he'd been made into. And there was no way to erase all of that. He and Shane never stood a chance.

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/// Jamin Ruhren - San Francisco, 2015

Angry grunting. Pained moans. Flesh hitting flesh. Harder, harder, harder.

'That hurts.' The guy beneath me moaned but I rolled my eyes.

'Take it like a fucking man.' I slapped his ass and continued pounding into him harder. Always harder. Rough was the only way with me. His face contorted in pain and you'd think I'd care but I didn't. It spurred me on to go harder.

When I eventually came, which always seemed to take so long these days, I pulled out and tossed the condom in the trash. I fell to the bed and lit and cigarette.

'What about me?' He asked looking at me. I didn't know his name, I never did.

'What about you?' I scoffed.

'Aren't you going to finish me off?'

'You have hands don't you?' I rolled my eyes, dragging on the cigarette. He grunted and then got up to dress. I could see the marks already appearing on his body. Welts on his ass from where I'd been slapping him, my fingernail indents on his sides and a bruise slowly forming around his neck in the shape of my hand. It made me smile.

'Where do you get off treating people like this?' He spat as pulled his clothes on.

'It was a one night stand, I think I made that perfectly clear.'

'Yeah that's fine, but when someone tells you you're hurting them, one night stand or not, it's common curtesy to slow the fuck down.' He was buttoning his shirt. I grabbed my ashtray and flicked my ash in it.

'Duly noted.' I smirked.

'Asshole.' He scoffed.

'If I'm such an asshole what are still doing here? You should have been gone before the condom hit the trash can.' I was still naked laying on top of the covers. I saw him looking over my body. I didn't blame him, I worked hard for body. I liked being objectified.

'Asshole.' He repeated, getting his shoes on.

'So you said.' I chuckled a little. 'Be gone then.'

The guy clenched his jaw but clearly thought better of saying anything. He turned his back on me and headed to the door. He was limping as he walked and I smiled again. Not long after that I heard the front door of my apartment slam shut. This was how most nights went in my world. I'd lost count of the amount of times a guy called me an asshole or worse and stormed out, usually limping. What do I care? I finished the cigarette and extinguished it in the ashtray before getting up from the bed. I lit another one and grabbed the half empty bottle of whiskey from the floor. I strutted over to my balcony and swung the doors open. I was on the fifth floor and it was dark but if someone were to look up here they would see me stood here completely naked but I didn't care. I didn't care about a lot of things. In fact it had worked to my advantage before, a guy on the street had seen me and clearly liked what he'd seen and not long after that I'd been fucking him senseless. I leant on the railings on the balcony and alternated between dragging on the cigarette and sipping from the bottle. It was winter, you'd think I'd be cold but I'd had enough to drink not to notice. This was how most nights went these days. I'd started doing drag again, at one time I'd been convinced I'd never do it again but it had been some years since I'd gotten the chance, so I'd brought Acid Betty out of retirement. She was popular here and I was making just enough money to live off. After shows I'd hang around and let guys buy me drinks and every night one of them, sometimes more than one, would come home with me, I fucked them until they could barely walk and I made them leave. I was happy this way, or as close to happy as I could be. It made me forget about everything that had happened. It made me forget about Shane, about Santino and about that life I had lived for twelve years. Alcohol and rough sex made me feel better. It helped me cope. So honestly, I didn't care who I hurt, I didn't care who I pissed off because it made me feel better about my shit life. Once a whore always a whore I supposed, the only difference was I didn't get paid for it anymore and I was always the one in control now. Maybe if my old self could see me he would be disgusted. But that guy died a long time ago. The friendly guy who would do anything for his boyfriend died the day we got into Santino's car and he drove us to our new life. I felt him leaving me the first time a random man had fucked me in a seedy hotel and paid me afterwards. I wondered if he watched over me and was sickened by what he saw. Not that I cared. I didn't care about anything anymore. That was just one of the perks of being numb.

#pearlet #violet chachki #pearl liaison #pearlet fanfiction #acid betty #Manila Luzon #jerick hoffer #adore delano #brian mccook #trixie mattel

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bookquotes17 · 7 years ago

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The Sun is Also A Star

1. does no harm to the romance of the sunset to know a little about it.—Pale Blue Dot, Carl Sagan Do I dareDisturb the universe?In a minute there is time For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.—The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T. S. Eliot

2. CARL SAGAN SAID that if you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe. When he says “from scratch,” he means from nothing. He means from a time before the world even existed. If you want to make an apple pie from nothing at all, you have to start with the Big Bang and expanding universes, neutrons, ions, atoms, black holes, suns, moons, ocean tides, the Milky Way, Earth, evolution, dinosaurs, extinction-level events, platypuses, Homo erectus, Cro-Magnon man, etc. You have to start at the beginning. You must invent fire. You need water and fertile soil and seeds. You need cows and people to milk them and more people to churn that milk into butter. You need wheat and sugar cane and apple trees You need chemistry and biology. For a really good apple pie, you need the arts. For an apple pie that can last for generations, you need the printing press and the Industrial Revolution and maybe even a poem. To make a thing as simple as an apple pie, you have to create the whole wide world

3. DANIEL IS RIGHT ABOUT CHARLES. He’s an asshole through and through. Some people grow out of their lesser natures, but Charles will not. He will settle into it, the skin that was always going to be his

(I like the writing style. It’s easy and simple and gripping)

4. She had this feeling that in America names didn’t mean anything, not like they did in Korea. In Korea, the family name came first and told the entire history of your ancestry. In America, the family name is called the last name. Dae Hyun said it showed that Americans think the individual is more important than the family

5. Names are powerful things. They act as an identity marker and a kind of map, locating you in time and geography. More than that, they can be a compass. In the end, Min Soo compromised. She gave her son an American name followed by a Korean personal name followed by the family name. She named him Charles Jae Won Bae. She named her second son Daniel Jae Ho Bae. In the end, she chose both. Korean and American. American and Korean. So they would know where they were from. So they would know where they were going

(Beautiful)

6. Sometimes if you look a word up in the dictionary, you’ll see some definitions marked as obsolete. Natasha often wonders about this, how language can be slippery. A word can start off meaning one thing and end up meaning another. Is it from

overuse and oversimplification, like the way irie is taught to tourists at Jamaican resorts? Is it from misuse, like the way Natasha’s father’s been using it lately? Before the deportation notice, he refused to speak with a Jamaican accent or use Jamaican slang. Now that they are being forced to go back, he’s been using new vocabulary, like a tourist studying foreign phrases for a trip abroad. Everything irie, man, he says to cashiers in grocery stores who ask the standard retail How are you? He says irie to the postman dropping off mail who asks the same thing. His smile is too big. He pushes his hands into his pockets and throws his shoulders back and acts like the world has showered him with more gifts than he can reasonably accept. His whole act is so obviously fake that Natasha’s sure everyone will see through him, but then they don’t. He makes them feel good momentarily, like some of his obvious good fortune will rub off on them. Words, Natasha thinks, should behave more like units of measure. A meter is a meter is a meter. Words shouldn’t be allowed to change meanings. Who decides that the meaning has changed, and when? Is there an in-between time when the word means both things? Or a time when the word doesn’t mean anything at all?

7. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. This is a thing people say. My mom says it a lot. “Things happen for a reason, Tasha.” Usually people say it when something goes wrong, but not too wrong. A nonfatal car accident. A sprained ankle instead of a broken one. Tellingly, my mom has not said it in reference to our deportation. What reason could there be for this awful thing happening? My dad, whose fault this whole thing is, says, “You can’t always see God’s plan.” I want to tell him that maybe he shouldn’t leave everything up to God and that hoping against hope is not a life strategy

8. She didn’t know then what it meant to be an undocumented immigrant. How it meant that you could never go home again. How your home wouldn’t even feel like home anymore, just another foreign place to read about

9. And rejection was not an easy thing. To be an actor you’re supposed to have thick skin, but Samuel’s skin was never thick enough. Rejection was like sandpaper. His skin sloughed away under its constant onslaught. After a while, Samuel wasn’t sure which would last longer: himself or his dreams

10. Times Square is a kind of hell (a fiery pit of flickering neon signs advertising all seven deadly sins).

11. Donald is not sure what the universe was trying to tell him by taking away his only daughter, but here is what he learned: no one can put a price on losing everything. And another thing: all your future histories can be destroyed in a single momen

12. It seems like such a long time ago when I thought the world of him. He was some exotic planet and I was his favorite satellite. But he’s no planet, just the final fading light of an already dead star. And I’m not a satellite. I’m space junk, hurtling as far as I can away from him

13. She looks up from her broken headphones. As our eyes meet, I get a kind of déjà vu, but instead of feeling like I’m repeating something in the past, it feels like I’m experiencing something that will happen in my future. I see us in old age. I can’t see our faces; I don’t know where or even when we are. But I have a strange and happy feeling that I can’t quite describe. It’s like knowing all the words to a song but still finding them beautiful and surprising

(Beautiful)

14. His shoulders shrug, but his eyes don’t. “Why not? Besides, I’m pretty sure you owe me your life since I just saved it.” “Believe me,” I tell him, “you don’t want my life

(Aww)

15. We sit in a not-at-all-comfortable silence for thirty-three seconds. I fall into that super-self-conscious state you get into when you’re with someone new and you really want them to like you. I see all my movements through her eyes. Does this hand gesture make me seem like a jerk? Are my eyebrows crawling off my face? Is this a sexy half smile or do I look like I’m having a stroke? I’m nervous, so I exaggerate all my movements. I BLOW on my coffee, SIP it, STIR it, playing the part of an actual human teenage boy having an actual beverage called coffee. I blow too hard on my drink and a little foam flies up. I could not be any cooler. I would totally date me (not really). It’s hard to say, but she may have smiled ever so slightly at the foam flight.

(Hahaha)

16. According to the article, the result of the experiment was that the two test subjects did indeed fall in love and get married. I don’t know if they stayed married. (I kinda don’t want to know, because if they did stay married, then love is less mysterious than I think and can be grown in a petri dish. If they didn’t stay married, then love is as fleeting as Natasha says it is.

(Wow. Yes. True)

17. It’s just hair, I tell myself. Its function is to keep the head warm and protect it against ultraviolet radiation. There’s nothing inherently sexy about it

(What are you, a robot? -.-)

18. We end up with ten questions, because Natasha thinks that for number twenty-four we should talk about our relationship with both our mother and father. “How come mothers are always the ones most blamed for screwing up children? Fathers screw kids up perfectly well.” She says it like someone with firsthand experience

(That was my point too. Although, in a positive manner)

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