#char.writes🎀

[chuuyanakahras]

xiao – reminiscence

If anything was constant for the Yaksha, it was pain. Sharp, hot, unrelenting needles that pricked him from every side of his body, thudding, pounding migraines that never seemed to leave him — this was all that he ever knew.

Pain was constant, but it was funny, really, how a single glance, a bright smile made his burden feel lighter. Xiao knew he didn’t deserve that peace though — he had sinned, and this pain was simply the karma of his past actions. He never looked for too long, waiting until after you had left to taste the almond tofu you had left out for the Yaksha. It was always soft, and rather pudgy, but Xiao didn’t mind. You were a terrible cook, and your almond tofu was no exception — one day, you had come to him with a batch that for some odd reason, was singed at the sides (he still ate it anyways, though). But no matter how long you waited for him, he never showed his face to you – he did not deserve it, after all that had happened. 

He couldn’t face you, even if you had forgiven him. He didn’t deserve your forgiveness. But, he would still indulge himself in the almond tofu you brought every day, at least to honor your futile efforts.

Today was no different, and Xiao flew onto the balcony as he saw your retreating figure. He padded over to the basket, the tofu this time looking rather lumpy, and he frowned. Xiao had half a thought to ask Verr to ask the almond tofu deliveries to stop, but he shook away that thought immediately. He didn’t have the right to ask Verr for any more than what she had already given. The texture looked odd today, but it was alright. You had made it, after all. He brought one up to his mouth, and paused. 

“Caught you,” said a soft voice, and he didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. 

“I suggest you leave,” he replied, turning away from you.

“Alatus–” Xiao shivered, “-- you cannot avoid me like this forever.”

Avoid? What a lie, Xiao thought. Xiao never avoided you, for he was always watching you. From the barren glaze lily fields, to the islands drought with ruin hunters, to the banks of the river you frequented, he was always there. He was always there, making sure that you, the last person who really knew him, would stay. 

But he would do no more than keep you safe, and you knew that too. You were a capable enough adeptus on your own, but Xiao wanted to be there for you. He didn’t know how to apologize, how to repent, so he made do in the only way he knew how.

Xiao wondered if he would ever be able to admit to you his surveillance of you, but you were no idiot. You knew he was always there, silent and passive, but there nonetheless. You knew it, but let him do it anyways. You were always a pacifist, Xiao mulled quietly. 

He still couldn’t meet your face, though. 

“Leave,” he repeated. “I do not wish to harm you.”

He could feel the hesitation, thick in the air.

“Look at me,” you said quietly, in a voice that sounded far more solemn than you had intended for it to come out. Xiao paused, and turned around slowly, looking at you. You were in a human form, as always – Moon Carver had berated you quite a bit for hiding your beastly appearance, but you never really cared, did you? Even back in those days, when Xiao still flew as a bird, you were in this same, human form, with the same, soft smile.

Pain was a constant, yes, but you were too. 

The yakshas had died, Rex Lapis had died, Guizhong had died, but you were still here. 

You swallowed, opening your mouth, but paused. You tried again. “I left a supply of almond tofu with Verr,” you said hesitantly, looking into his amber eyes. “And,” you paused. “The traveler is here as well.”

Xiao turned to you, a sharp look on his face. “What?”

“I am leaving, Alatus,” you said, a little louder this time. He blinked.

“Why?” He asked, and you looked away, unable to meet his eyes.

“I am tired,” you replied, and shook your head. “I… I have extended my time here for too long.”

You look up at him, a sad sort of look in your eye. “It is lonely, Alatus.”

An odd sort of fury grew in Xiao’s throat. What did you mean by that? How could you say that when he was standing right in front of you?

“We are Adepti. You must live with it.”

“I don’t want to,” you replied, a lump growing in your throat. You didn’t want to argue with him, least of all now. “I just… wanted to thank you, before I leave.”

Xiao paused. “What?”

“For indulging me,” you added quickly, hastily, as if the words were a waterfall you couldn’t stop. “I know I was immature, many times back then.”

If you had been, Xiao didn’t remember any of it. All he remembered was a small, tinkling laugh as he rested under a tree, the quiet whispers of someone who was far too joyous in a time of war, and the soft smiles of an adeptus, who spread them around to everyone like a disease. Xiao had scoffed at you back then, but he regretted it now, seeing how your eyes gleamed with sadness that he thought you would never have felt. 

Xiao bit his tongue, tasting blood. He was a fool.

How did he not notice it? You healed, and healed, and healed the hordes of your fellow adepti with no complaint, always dining a bright smile. Everyone had thought you were so happy because unlike the rest of them, you healed. You were a pacifist, just how Guizhong had taught you. How hadn’t he known? You had known to fight, but you chose to heal, hoping to save all of your friends, when in the end, they all died.

For you, your only constant was death. The Rex Lapis dying as well was simply the last straw.

The silence stretched, but neither of you seemed privy to end it. Your heart beat in your chest, and you swallowed.

You looked at him, one last time, trying to etch all of the contours of his face into your head, studying every line, every scar, every single eyelash that curled and framed his eyes. 

You turned around, your footsteps light on the wood of the balcony. You waited, you wished, you hoped he would say something, anything. 

“If I asked you to stay, would you?” came his voice, hesitant, and unconfident. 

“It is a little late for that though, isn’t it,” you smiled sadly. It had been far too many years of distance, of miscommunication, of silence for you to stay with him. No, there was no promise of your life being any different if you stayed here with him. But, you were nothing if not sentimental of all the time that you both did have. 

You turned around again, staring at him. “Indulge in me, Alatus, one last time. Will you?”

You stepped closer, eyes open as you brought your lips close to his. He moved closer, and you fluttered your eyes shut, brushing your lips against his in a chaste goodbye. It was a little disappointing, you mulled as you pulled back, watching how his eyes dilated wide until only a ring of yellow remained. It was nothing as the mortals had made it seem with its fireworks and quickened heartbeats and blushes, but nonetheless, you were glad you had tried it out. Leaving without having a first kiss seemed a little disappointing, even for you.

“Goodbye, Alatus.” You said, gifting him your first real smile of the day, and he stopped in his tracks, dazed. “I wish you happiness.”

You disappeared, and the night was silent, once more. 

There were few things constant in Xiao’s life – and now, there was one less. 

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