#cept the hospital gown

[ectojyunk]

Baby Zenos sketch

[talkinfanfic]

Friday Night Reading

candle_beck’s “The Elko County Adventure” after a crappy day at work, Daniel Pickles 🐱 reads along. Perfection isn’t just a fictional town in Nevada.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/223796?view_adult=true

***

Dean nods along, though Earl is not looking at him. Earl rubs a hand across his face as if every part of him has gone numb, like the drugs are the best ever. Look on Earl's face that's half stymied affection and half heartbroken cynicism, the kind of thing you have to live six decades before being able to pull off.

Earl's gaze wanders down from the ceiling to catch up with Dean's again, and he says, "You're lucky. What's your name again?"

"Winchester," Dean says, freshly baffled. "How exactly am I lucky?"

"Even twenty years from now and seven hundred miles away, even if you never talk to Sam 'cept on the phone and only see him in Christmas cards, even so you'll still have blood in common."

It knocks the wind out of Dean, blows him away. He slumps back in the chair, staring at Earl's face all carved up by the years separating the life he'd wanted from the life he'd made for himself in its absence. Earl looks back, gray and pale against the still paler hospital gown, and it's not entirely regret, not overwhelming like that, just a reflective sort of pain, a long-healed scar throbbing before the rain.

"Yeah," Dean manages. "I guess that's something."

***

[byorder-fanfic]

A Good Woman

Summary: The man Lizzie loves is put in the hospital by the two other men she thought she loved. So, she does what any woman in her situation would do- she points a gun to their heads.

Word count: 2327

Warnings: Hospital, descriptions of injury and pain, mentions of sex work and sexual abuse, swearing.

Author’s Note: Hi, this is a part two to A Good Man. It’s an AU in which the vendetta doesn’t happen because Lizzie Stark is a badass, and it’s inspired by that scene in S5 when she tells Aberama, Johnny and Tommy to “get out of her house”. Hope you enjoy it xx

Angel was screaming. Lizzie had never heard him in so much pain before, his anguished moans echoing in every corridor of the hospital. Or was it just her mind replaying the sounds that had greeted her as she raced through the nurses and doctors, just trying to find him. She didn't think it could be true- John was a good man, wasn't he? He wouldn't have done this to her. But the bandages wrapped around Angel's face proved otherwise. She leaned her head against the wall, trying to focus on the tapping of shoes on shiny floors, trying to think of anything but the screaming. Lizzie had seen him in pain before; she had taken a bullet from his shoulder after a nasty shoot out. Even then, he was grinning through his winces, trying to flirt with her as she poured spirits on his wound. It made her smile for a second. Then she thought of his face, now forever scarred. That was, if he survived. Lizzie felt tears sting her eyes, and for once in her life, she let herself cry. That was exactly why she isolated herself to this corridor, moving away from his room just so Audrey and Vincente wouldn't see her fall apart. They didn't need her pain. But Lizzie did. She needed to feel the tears stream down her face, needed to feel her throat get dry as she gasped for air. She needed to feel this, just to remind herself how much she loves him. Loves. Not loved. Not yet. Suddenly feeling grumpy at herself, Lizzie brought up her sleeve to wipe away the tears. She would be strong for Angel: she would hold onto his mother and pray with his father, she would give them tears when they cried and whisper hope into their ears. Hope was easy for her, she thought, with a lifetime of hopelessness.

When she came back, Audrey reached up to hold her tight. She was much smaller than Lizzie, her tears warm against her neck as pulled apart with a smile. Angel had stopped screaming.

"He will live," Audrey stated, before more tears fell down her cheek. Lizzie didn't let herself smile just yet, looking up to the white haired man for confirmation. Vincente nodded, and Lizzie grinned and beamed and smiled so much, it felt sore on her face. Thank you, God, she thought, thank you Jeremiah, too. She knew the preacher would've prayed for him, just as he knew she couldn't as long as he screamed like that.

"Have you seen him?" Lizzie's eyes darted to the hospital door, now shut. "Is he awake?"

"Yes, we've spoken," Vincente spoke for his wife, bringing her into his arms as she kept on crying with joy. "He said he'd like to speak to you, too."

"If that's alright," She hesitated, thinking of what he would say. What she could say.

"Of course it is, Lizzie," Vincente smiled kindly. 

When Lizzie walked in, she knew exactly what to expect. White walls, white sheets, white bandages on his face. Yet she still couldn't stop the sudden thrill of happiness that warmed up inside her when she saw him. Angel was smiling, despite the morphine drip connected to his arm (or maybe that was the reason why), eyes lighting up as he saw the tall silhouette he knew all too well enter the room.

"You're here," he grunted out, trying to shift himself to sit up.

Seeing his struggle, Lizzie strode in, resting a hand on his chest as she gently put him down, as she perched on the edge of his bed, careful to check for any wires she might be constricting. Her hand immediately found his, still the same unscarred hand she would hold onto under the table at his restaurant. It was weird at first, since he wasn't wearing the rings she'd grown accustomed to digging into her bony fingers. But it was still him. She reached her other hand up, running her fingers through his matted hair. It was wild and dark with sweat instead of gel keeping it tidy. She tried not to brush against the bandages- a difficult task. They covered most areas of his face like an incomplete patchwork of his likeness, some flecks of blood staining the gauze.

"I'm sorry." The guilt she'd been hoarding since his restaurant burnt down all came pouring out, her voice tearing as she carried on. "If you'd never met me, if I never worked for those Shelby fuckers, then you wouldn't have gotten hurt. It's all...it's all my fault, Angel, I'm so sorry."

"Lizzie, love," Angel smiled as if it amused him, squeezing her pale hand tighter. "This isn't your fault. You're allowed to be with whoever you so choose." A shuffling behind his bandages told her he was giving her that cocky eyebrow lift that drove her insane. "And you choose me. Those Shelby fuckers can deal with that."

"They will," she practically growled it out. "I will make sure they pay for this."

"I know," he nodded gently. "You're a remarkable woman, Lizzie Stark, and you make sure to give them Hell for me, okay?"

"Okay." 

Angel pulled her down to his bed so she was lying next to him, her head resting on the shoulder of his hospital gown and her legs falling off of the bed.

"You look worn out, love," he whispered.

"Aw thanks," she joked.

"Sorry, you look beautiful as always," he corrected himself with a little kiss to the top of her head. "Have you been eating and sleeping alright?"

She thought back to all the days and nights Angel had been in the hospital, all the days and nights she had stayed here too. The hospital staff had tried to kick her out since it's "family only", but Audrey Changretta had insisted Lizzie was family, and, well, no one argues with her. 

"I've been staying in hospital with your parents," she told him. "So, not really. We've all just been worried."

"Well, as soon as I get out of here, I'll make us a big meal," he promised, hand tight around her waist.

"You still want me?" She said it quietly, not quite believing it.

"I'm the one whose hideously scarred, Liz." Even though she couldn't see, she knew he was grinning. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"You're not hideous," she lifted herself up, staring into his eyes, twinkling under the bandages. "You could never be hideous."

They fell back into comfortable silence as Lizzie laid uncomfortably in the bed, but she didn't care. At least he was here, his chest expanding with each breath that Lizzie anxiously listened to, heart still beating.

"Y'know," she gave a sly smile. "When you get back, I could cook dinner for you."

And Angel laughed, a loud guffaw that made him grunt a little in pain, as he brought Lizzie closer to his chest.

"Mi amore, I will do anything for you," he declared. "Except for eating your burnt toast."

Lizzie didn't stay at the hospital the next day. With a clap on the back from Vincente, another tight hug from Audrey, and a kiss good luck from Angel, she was marching down Small Heath, a blaze in her eyes that forced everyone to step out of her way. A woman on a mission, with only one target in mind. The betting shop was surrounded by smoking Blinders, each of them giving a blank stare as they watched her storm into Number 6, Watery Lane. She could feel everyone's eyes on her as she charged on through, walking past the Shelby family at the table before reaching her desk. She didn't answer their questions, posed loud and rudely, as she opened up her bottom drawer. She didn't respond when she brought out her revolver. She didn't feel sorry when they screamed at her as she cocked it with a click. She just rose up, graceful as a dancer, and marched back to them, gun pointed at John's head.

"Now, then, Liz," Tommy held hid hands up, trying to get her to surrender. Everyone was on their guard, tense and wide-eyed as they watched her hold the gun, unshaking and unrelenting. She wouldn't let him take the gun from her again. "I know you're upse-"

"Shut up, Tom," she growled, pointing the gun back to him. "For once in your fuckin' life, will you just shut up and sit down?"

"Okay," John spoke, calmly, as he nodded for everyone to sit back down. She tried not to look at the betrayal in his eyes, knowing he didn't like the familiar look in hers.

"What d'ya have to say, Lizzie?" Arthur asked, gruffly.

"You fuckers are lucky," she began. "If Angel died, it wouldn't be me showing up here to point a gun at you. Killing a Changretta would start a vendetta, and you would just keep on killing each other till there was no one left." She looked down a moment. "Cept me, of course. Need someone to put a flower on your grave, right?"

"We weren't trying to hurt you," Tommy said it coldly.

"No, course you weren't," she laughed at the thought. "Cause you never think of me, none of you do. You didn't want me, Tom, and neither did you, John." She glared at them both. "So why the fuck are you getting territorial now? Why do you have to hurt the one good man who loves me?"

"Loves you, huh?" Arthur scoffed a little. 

"Yeah, he does, and I love him," she said it just as coldly as Tommy would've, making sure they could all see her teeth as she snarled at them.

"You've said that before," John said, cruelly.

"I think I did love you, John," she looked at him. "And I didn't see anyone the first week after you proposed." Esme was watching on awkwardly. "But then the money I saved up ran out, and it was either keep my promise to you and starve or lose some dignity and keep a roof over my head."

"We've all been through hard times, Lizzie." Polly looked just like Tommy as she said that, eyes blazing.

"Well I never had a family like you to take care of me," she said, shrugging slightly. The gun was getting heavy in her hands. "All I had was a dad who abandoned me and a mum that drunk herself into an early grave." Everyone flinched- she'd never told anyone but Angel and Jeremiah about her past. "And I was chucked out into the streets with only the clothes on my back. No one would hire me cause I always had mud on my clothes and I bathed in the Cut." She shuddered as she remembered those times, so long ago. "So I became a whore, and I got food in my stomach and I saved up to get myself that dingy little flat, and I was miserable." She shook her head. "And I thought the only way out was with a ring on my finger, so I said yes to John. And then I said yes to Tommy, cause I will not ever go back onto the streets." She put her gun down at last, feeling it swing by her hip. "But I'm not a whore anymore. I'm happy now, with a proper job that I'm proud of and a good man at my side. You will not ruin that for me." She glowered at the three Shelby brothers. "Tommy, John, Arthur, you will go to the liquor shop round the corner and buy a bottle of wine, red, and go to the hospital, and apologise to Angel."

They all started to protest but Lizzie raised the gun again.

"I said shut it," she said firmly. "You will swallow that fuckin' pride of yours and apologise to him, and you will finish this stupid war."

"Or else?" Tommy didn't take her seriously, looking more amused than concerned.

"Or else I'll do what I should've done at the Darby," she pointed her gun to him again, seeing the flicker of recognition in his eyes at the sight.

"What happened at the Darby?" John also remembered seeing her, battered in her pretty dress. Lizzie rolled her eyes.

"You really think I'd've whored myself out if I didn't have to?" She spat out the words, and Tommy had the decency to look ashamed as Arthur and John turned to him with confused looks.

"Tom, you didn't get Liz hurt, didya?" Arthur asked, not believing the word of a whore over his brother. Even though she's not a whore now.

"She wasn't supposed to-"

"Tommy here was too busy chatting up the Irish spy and Lady Carleton to save me in time," Lizzie said. "Because you boys can fuck who you like without us women getting possessive."

She didn't need the comparison to the bandages on Angel's face to the ring on Grace's finger, to the wedding that got his restaurant burnt to a char.

"The Changretta war is over," Polly said sternly, looking over to her nephews. "They will apologise and Lizzie can be free to fuck who she likes."

They all gritted their teeth, but they knew better to fight their aunt and a woman with a gun to their heads.

"Good, and I quit," she said, putting the gun to her side. "I expect a really good letter of recommendation, by the way."

"It'll be done," Polly said. Things were much better when Polly was in charge, like in the war.

"What'll you do?" Despite their complicated relationship, Lizzie was still friends with Esme. She grinned at her friend for a second.

"I'm gonna work as Chief Secretary for a foundation for Women and Girls in need," she said proudly, thinking of how she could help women like her, recover like her. "Oh, and I'm getting married."

They hadn't seen the shining diamond on Lizzie's trigger finger.

[rontufox]

Post-op 1 month

it’s been one month since my surgery!!! wanted to do a kind of recap post about top surgery in general

I went to Dr. Steinwald at the Center for Cosmetic Surgery in Golden, Colorado

Dr. Steinwald operates on informed consent--meaning you don’t need a doctor’s note, therapist note, etc.  all you provide is your health history (which you fill out yourself).  the forms include a field to write your preferred name and pronouns

Cost

the overall surgery cost was $8803 here’s the breakdown:

$6500 - procedure cost

$1355 - operating room cost

$650 - anesthesia cost

$230 - pathology cost

$68 - meds

my overall travel costs were $2280 breakdown:

$1385 - accommodations (11 days, via Airbnb)

$470 - 2 roundtrip plane tickets

$292 - rental car (11 days)

$200 - food

Total cost: $11083

the cost of top surgery is daunting.  but I really wanna say.  it’s possible.  

it’s gonna take time, so start now, with what you have.  once I got a full-time job, I put $100 per paycheck to savings.  I saved for about 7 years to build up the amount I needed + emergency savings (I live on my own so this was needed)

it can happen faster or slower, depending on your situation.  be realistic and keep at it.  it’s not fun knowing how long you gotta wait, but you’ll get there

don’t forget about financing.  Dr. Steinwald’s office offers financing through CareCredit, and I’m sure others do too.  if you’re unfamiliar with financing, you’re issued a credit card to pay for something upfront (in full, or partial).  then you pay it off over time.  financing can help you get top surgery faster, but you gotta be financially stable.  make sure you can actually pay it off afterwards

and, it’s not common, but some states cover top surgery.  look into it if you have insurance

Surgery

top surgery takes 2 hours.  you can’t eat after 10pm the night before.  you can drink clear liquids up to 4 hours before surgery

you provide a urine sample the day you come in for surgery.  once you’re in the pre-op room, you take off all clothes cept underwear, and put on a hospital gown and compression stockings.  then you lay in the hospital bed!  a nurse puts your IV in, which provides fluids and later anesthesia.  the anesthesiologist will prolly meet with you, and your surgeon, who marks your chest with marker.  after that, the nurse puts a mild sedative in your IV.  you might konk out right then, or you might stay awake as you’re taken to the OR room.  after you’re unconscious is when they put in a breathing tube

there’s not much to say bout the surgery itself cuz you get put under lolol.  but if you wanna read my account of surgery day, click here

Items during recovery

I wanna talk about parts of recovery I didn’t see talked about much in my research.  I like being ultra-prepared for things, and I figure there’s people out there like me

first, the items you’ll be dealing with

these are compression stockings to help prevent blood clots.  you’ll put em on right before surgery, and keep them on for 3 days.  you should also wear em on the flight back home, if you’re taking a plane.  you’re also advised to pump your ankles up and down throughout the day to help with... stuff.  these kinda made my heels sore lolol

this’ll be wrapped around your chest when you wake up from surgery.  it keeps the gauze covering your nipples and incisions in place.  I forgot how long you’re supposed to wear this cuz I had to wear it the whole time, instead of switching to a compression vest (they didn’t have one in my size).  but, you wear the compression vest for 1 month (no pic cuz I have no idea what it looks like)

I GOTTA mention......... this particular type of ace wrap just smells... bad.  idk if smell affects others like it does me but...... I hated how this smelled.  I slammed it into the trash when it was over 

this is a drain, the worst part of top surgery for most people.  you’ll have two attached to you when you wake up from surgery.  part of the tube goes under your skin, secured in place with stitches.  fluid drains into that grenade-looking part.  basically, you squeeze the grenade part to create suction, then plug the little plug at the top.  there’s a clip on the grenade part to secure it to clothing (you don’t want them hanging freely from where the tube’s stitched into you!) or you can put em in your pant/jacket pockets

every morning and night you empty these and record how many ccs drained in a 24 hour period.  this is cuz the drains can’t be taken out until less than 30ccs drain in a 24 hour period.  usually by day 4 or 5

these are annoying in multiple ways

the point where they enter your skin hurts.  they were honestly the most painful part of recovery for me

your body fluids are just hanging in these 24/7

there’s a constant fear of snagging them on something, or accidentally dropping them.  I almost dropped them 3 separate times and my life flashed before my eyes

they’re bulky, so they look really stupid under or over clothes.  make sure you have a jacket to wear over them, so you can go outdoors without feeling stupid

sometimes the plug rubs against clothing and gets unplugged and... I can imagine what might happen if you don’t notice it  *shudders*  I was afraid of waking up in the middle of the night to... nastiness

this’s some... thingy that you use 8 times an hour for a week.  you just breathe out into that huge bendy straw thing, and you gotta make that yellow thing on the left rise up to the level of that yellow thing on the right.  it’s to prevent lung issues.  it was a little annoying to remember to do, but I felt better when I did it

these are the only items that weren’t complimentary.  you’ll need these for your nipples.  after surgery your nipples’ll be mostly just... scabs LOL.  dark and hard.  after week 1, you start putting ointment on em and covering with bandaids.  the scabs’ll start shedding off, and your nipples will have spotty oozing/bleeding.  you can stop applying ointment/bandaids once that’s stopped.  I was able to stop using em week 3

last is the meds.  basically you’re prescribed pain killers, muscle relaxers, anti-nausea things, and antibiotics.  see this post for more details about each medication

I can’t give much personal experience about side effects cuz besides the antibiotics, I took only the narcotic pain killers, and for one day.  the narcotic pain killers are said to cause cause constipation and nausea.  I was kinda out of it and forgetful the first day lol!  I put a gatorade top on one of my medication bottles thinking it was the top LOLOL  (they weren’t even the same color)

Recovery

to see a general timeline of top surgery recovery, click here

so, recovery itself.  honestly it was easier than I ever dreamed.  but don’t under-prepare based on me.  I read a lotta other experiences that didn’t sound as easy as mine.  so before I go into it, keep in mind: I’m a small person (5′1, 95lbs), my chest was small (B), and I got a high pain tolerance.  if you don’t share those qualities, research more people’s experiences!!

my pain was way less than I was expecting.  I’d mentally prepared for 7-8 level pain.  but my post-op pain never got worse than a 4.  on day 2, the only pain killer I took was tylenol

the painful part was just those darn drains.  my chest hardly ever bothered me.  and I had a LOT more flexibility in my arms than I was expecting.  I only had trouble extending my arms back behind me (it felt pretty tight and hurt sometimes).  any other direction was fine, as long as I did it slowly.  during recovery I mostly just felt weak!  and had less energy than normal

if you’d like to see my day to day experience with recovery, see my tag surgery recovery.  

for me, recovery was first “when can I get these drains out?” then “when will my nipples not be scary?”  only a few days after the drains are removed, you start the ointment and bandaids on your nipples.  I was honestly really scared my nipples were gonna like... get pulled off by the bandaids, or mess up or.  LOL it’s hard to describe but when they’re dark scabs shedding off with oozing it’s... WEIRD

finally, if you’re working and wondering how much time you gotta take off.  you need AT LEAST 2 weeks.  at least.  but for me, my nipples were still a little scary into week 3.  at the end of week 3 is when I didn’t need bandaids anymore.  so I really wanna tell people to try to take 3 weeks off.  that’s A LOT of time off, I know.  if you can, align your surgery/recovery time with a long holiday to give yourself more time

that’s the end of my post thing.  if you have any questions, let me know!