#censored person is just my irl friend who I don’t want to post without her permission lol

[exgirlfiend]

people my camera roll automatically recognizes: me, my old dog, and. swaine. I guess.

[jitterbugjive]

Something I wish more people would understand is how unhealthy and misguided I was in my early 20s. I came out of a life of mental and sexual abuse, for a bit I had a much older boyfriend than me that I didn’t realize until fairly recently was grooming me since I was 14. I was a hyper sexual teenager due to the exposure I had in childhood and I sought people out constantly to ERP with, even adults, without really thinking anything was wrong with that. I had an old friend who started running away from home to look for random adult men to sleep with so my understanding and feelings towards that kind of situation got all twisted and confused and I didn’t know how to help my friend. I had another friend who was pulled in to a 3 way by another minor and an adult, and the other minor was also the sort who actively looked for adult men who would be sick enough to sleep with her. And my best friend had a sister who was also exhibiting this behavior despite my friends’ many protests, because their mom didn’t give a single fuck about anything. I had an older babysitter, by older I mean in his 60s, who would bring up conversations about sex with me and show me porn on TV from when  I was 10-13. I was dealing with unchecked PTSD which made me overly reactive, prone to fits of anger and anxiety.

My point is, back then I didn’t have any kind of professional help or anywhere I could go for answers on things I didn’t understand or had a limited understanding of. When I ask the question ‘what do you do if a kid is seeking out adult sexual attention’ it’s not because I’m trying to blame kids for this, it’s because it scares me when kids are unknowingly, maybe even knowingly, exposing themselves to danger for whatever screwed up reason they may have. And no one wants to talk about that kind of situation, so I couldn’t find any answers. I couldn’t find an appropriate way to process my feelings on the matter, my understanding of it, the way I viewed it, I couldn’t find what the correct way to feel or deal with it was. Again, because no one wants to talk about it. With my naivety and personal experience, I at first held resentment towards kids like that, because I remember being put in danger because of them or they put my friends in danger, and those kids seemed very sure of their choices even when they were perfectly aware it was wrong. One of them I knew, even as an adult, didn’t ever think anything was wrong with what they did, they didn’t come with that regret you hear most people talking about. I regret the way I’ve reacted to these situations and I regret the way I phrased things when I was trying to come to terms with this issue that I’d been honestly traumatized by.

Another thing I didn’t understand in my early 20s was appropriate boundaries, because I wasn’t given appropriate boundaries as a kid I only knew one big basic thing: Don’t do anything sexually explicit with minors.

And when it came to RP, I thought that meant PG13 content was okay. I thought if there was a fade to black, or a time skip, or an implication, it wouldn’t be a bad thing. Now, there are literally only 2 instances I can think of where there was any sort of implication of sexual acts between characters with a minor, I still made sure nothing explicit was shown or explored and I was of the impression that I was just letting the other person have fun because that’s what they were in to. And that was a mistake. Not as big of a mistake as it could have been, mind you, but I’d never cross that line. I thought I had a good line drawn in the sand but I didn’t really understand where it was supposed to be. Because if we’re gonna be honest here, looking back I know now even romantic fluff RP between an adult and a minor isn’t okay, even if it’s through characters and not as ourselves.

I know now how much of an emotional impact RP can have on a person, considering most of my romantic relationships started with RP. When you have a character you deeply connect to interacting with someone else’s character, it’s really easy to start mistaking your character’s feelings for your own. You could believe because your characters get along so well that maybe the two of you can get along romantically too. I’m not saying that RP shouldn’t lead to romance, but that it can easily blind a person from how their RP partner really is. So it’s dangerous to RP with kids like this. I should know, my abusive ex that groomed me until I turned 18 in order to date me certainly had me convinced we were meant for each other just because our characters clicked and my character happened to be a representation of myself.

Something I’m really ashamed to admit as well is a serious misjudgement on my part, where for some reason I assumed bodily fluids weren’t NSFW. Probably because I’ve seen people get away with censoring out naughty bits but leaving the spunk in an image, or just drawing the character with spunk on them or something. Point is, people were getting away with it not being flagged as porn, and my dumb brain was like ‘okay so it’s not that bad’. I need to make something clear here, I don’t entirely remember what happened or why it happened, but it’s true that Bedeviled Derpy had a post that showed spunk in 2 of the images and it was drawn from some sketches of mine by a teenager. I don’t believe I would have requested such a thing, I certainly didn’t script it to say ‘draw spunk here’, in fact the sketches don’t show any indication of a mess anywhere. I just remember being given the finished images with the spunk being added, and I was dumb enough to think “oh yeah this is totally okay for a SFW blog” and my brain didn’t even register like ‘hello yes a child drew this maybe ask them to remove the spunk also spunk isn’t sfw or child friendly in any way shape or form’

Some people, maybe only a handful, or more, I don’t know, but some people have this assumption that my mindset in all of this was like “Hahaha I’m taking advantage of a minor” and that’s just... not it?

I’m a colossal dumbass, I admit that, and I was really irresponsible, but it was NOT because I had any intentions on preying on a child. I just don’t do that.

The things I said and did, I did out of ignorance, and most of the bad stuff people talk about me saying was from 5+ years ago, before I got any help, before I had anyone to walk me through these incredibly complex emotions and opinions that were ingrained in my head since childhood.

I just wish that people could see I had no malice or ill intent, I wish people could realize they’re way overthinking my actions and taking things a lot more personally than they were ever meant to be. Maybe if they could see this for what it is rather than assuming I’m a villain who purposefully did everything wrong, they could learn to move on in a healthy way.

I understand I did a lot of harm and there’s no undoing that.

But I do NOT deserve to be accused of pedophilia. Pedophilia has literally ruined my life and my perception of the world. I’m a victim too, and just because I became an adult doesn’t mean I suddenly know right from wrong. That’s not how becoming an adult works. You’re allowed to make mistakes as an adult, being an adult doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes any more. Yes it’s easier to say to someone ‘you were just a kid, it was a mistake, you didn’t know any better’, but adults have a hard time knowing ‘any better’ too. We’re always growing and learning and I’d like to think people are smart enough to see that I have grown in to a better person.

I hope people can find it in their hearts to forgive me, but I fear some people are too far gone down the rabbit hole of being convinced that everything was on purpose and from malice, that I’m some evil mastermind who thrives on manipulation and taking advantage of kids. I’ve only ever associated with 2 minors since becoming an adult and I have no intention of associating with any more that aren’t directly connected to my family or my friends.

Anyone who actually knows me would know I have a 0 tolerance for IRL pedophilia, when I found out a member of one of my groups was showing nudes to minors he was immediately kicked out and I kept tabs on the situation to make sure he’d be caught by police. When a member in my server was exposed for ERP and orbiting with a minor, I kicked him out too.

I worry about kids to a point that it’s part of my PTSD, I have anxiety attacks just worrying about how a kid might be getting harmed, the last thing I want to do is bring harm to them.

And I did cause harm, I didn’t know that was what I was doing, but I did, because I wasn’t mature enough to understand how to interact with kids as an adult. And again, I’m just incredibly sorry things had to even come to this. I’m not lying when I say I think about this every single day, and sometimes spiral in to really bad anxiety because of it. It affects me heavily.

I want to move on.

And I want the people affected to move on too.

Because dwelling on this isn’t going to do anyone any good.

[haikyuu-trash-can]

1k follower special - the person behind this blog

Hi everyone! I’ve been on tumblr for not even 6 weeks now? And I am absolutely blown away by all the support I received for my memes. Thank you so much! Thanks to all of you, I am now bigger Haikyuu trash than ever after getting into some of the more obscure parts of the fandom.

So, since I’m in this for the long run, I want to get to know the people who look at the stupid memes I make and for you to know who makes them (aaand I want to make a really self-indulgent post for once).

This is me:

And since we’re on tumblr, I’ll do my intro the classical tumblr style

Marie | 20 | she/her | Czech | bi | bi? | les-leaning irl but totally obsessed with hot anime boys | Gemini | INTJ | 5w6-9w1-3w4 sp/sx | Gryffindor-Ravenclaw | True Neutral

I was obsessed with MBTI for about 5 years until it took over my thinking so hard I had to stop last year (if you wanna come to yell at me about MBTI I’d love that).

Bunch of random things about me:

I’m a Cognitive Systems major and Computer Science minor at University of British Columbia. I don’t know who tf came up with the major name. I study cogs. I love cogs. I loooove big *censored*. My dream is to be a professional volleyball player corporate whore after I graduate.

Thanks to everyone who sent asks! I’ll reply to them here.

Character I’m most like

Tendo

I used to be like Akaashi as a kid but then out of the blue I stopped being awkward, antisocial and unconfident and now I’m the “crazy friend”. I’m still Akaashi on the inside tho. Somehow it all works out but it’s probably the reason why I have like 7 different personalities.

How I got into Haikyuu

Took me a while because I usually don’t give things a chance randomly unless I have a reason to. I didn’t want to watch Haikyuu that much because I’m actually not that much into sport anime (I prefer fantasy and modern shounen) and I thought the character design and drawing styles looked kind of generic.

Like, when you look at this with eyes unused to the design they kind of look like aliens (the skewed eyes and head shape). That is to say, I love the design and now I don’t even see it but before I started watching it caught me off guard. What finally made me watch Haikyuu was that I saw a random pic of some Haikyuu thighs and I was like, yeah, why not.

How I got into volleyball

I watched Haikyuu. That simple. Only started playing last winter, but I’m super obsessed with training and I’m actually pretty decent, well-rounded player now. Never played truly competitive volleyball, I just go to drop in hours (sometimes I would play a game without counting points for like 6 hours straight without resting much). I play at my uni’s intramurals, this year on two different teams.

Which positions I play

I mostly play wing spiker on either side (by elimination process. To unskilled to set, too short to block, and we don’t play with liberos). But this year my Women’s team wants me to play their middle blocker and my CoEd team wants me to be libero. I am not particularly thrilled about either but I am looking forward to learning a bunch of new skills.

Other anime I love

I never fell in love so hard with anything other than Haikyuu, but here are a few of my noteable past obsessions:

Assassination Classroom

Attack on Titan

Bungou Stray Dogs

Hunter x Hunter

My Hero Academia

Owari no Seraph

Fun Facts

So far I did: gymnastics, aerobic, judo, athletics, disco dance, capoeira, krav maga, ballet and now volleyball, so that’s a pretty diverse combination. I was doing krav maga, ballet and volleyball all at the same time.

I used to have a hypermobile spine. Like make my head touch my butt from behind kind of flexible. I stopped training and it slowly receded but I am still very flexible.

I have a very high cold tolerance. I can wear dresses when the temperature is above 5 degrees Celsius. I once went to a volleyball match in my shorts and only realized afterwards that it was kinda cold outside because it started snowing.

I have monster stamina. It’s nice but it kind of sucks because it’s mega hard to lose weight because of the way my metabolism is programmed.

My family had 13 cats at one point. I love cats.

Okie that’s it, thanks for tolerating my shameless narcissistic rambling.

I LOVE YOU ONE THOUSAND!

[anxious-amethyst]

I don’t see people go into the nitty gritty bits of mental health..

And I mean those details that I find not many people speak of. As if its taboo to mention we are human. I have a filter made of cling wrap with giant holes in it. And the cling wrap bunches up in places too, distorting the words to others’ perspectives; making me come off as a bitch. (I truly am a very kind person, I am just bad with social skills at times.) My point being, that I have no problem speaking my truth to all of you invisible faces that may or may not see this. I’m sure down the road, if I ever finish and publish my novel and become J.K. Rowling famous (a dream of mine) that this can easily be dug up. I will smile with a small laugh in that interview with Stephen Colbert and be frank. 

The tags come at the end of a post and not everyone filters everything that makes them (is it squick? what was that word that is a better replacement for trigger..) So as a heads up, if you absolutely can’t stand the thought of body, hmm, uh functions I suppose. (Not sure what category my topic falls in to) then I have given you an escape rope. (Now I want to play Pokemon again.)

As I am being completely honest and transparent, I literally can’t seem to figure out when A. my nervous breakdown began (still in it) and B. when I last showered, heck even brushed my teeth. Now I know several things, thankfully. One being that I have not left the house this whole week from April 14th to today, April 20th. Easter is tomorrow and I am forcing myself (to the best of my abilities) to attend Church and the whole family get together. My plan being, Church is for God and you owe it to him and yourself to go and be lifted up. Family gathering is going to be hell, no point sugar coating it. So bring a book and think of the Strawberry/Pretzel Casserole that Aunt Faith hopefully made and the sweet pickles that Pop-Pop usually brings. Remember to be kind to yourself and fake a smile, these are the people you do NOT want to be honest with. Lie through your ass like your life depends on it because in a way, it does. You are not obligated to say anything more than hello, give hugs however because you need and love them. Do speak for a bit so as not to be rude. But the book is your safety net. Deploy it ASAP. And somehow get your loving cousin to attach to your sister instead.

A nitty gritty part that is not gross, is the withdrawal... from everyone. Like I’m straight up not talking to anyone unless I have to, and society is out of my mind. I do however, happily speak with my irl friend when she messages. I know she is busy though and has her own problems so I try to censor my frankness quite a bit because she doesn’t deserve that kind of worry. Unfortunately, my parents and sister are not able to be kept out of the whole truth for their protection. They see it. I don’t even have to say a thing. I have been threatened with a, how to put this nicely, place full of even crazier people imo and where they drug you to the high heavens. Yeah. I’m not flying over the cuckoo’s nest. (Deep terror of those places, this will not be helpful to me.) But that gives you an idea of how bad this breakdown is. The other thing I know, is that it started on Sunday. I’m inclined to believe that it was the April 14th Sunday, but am unsure as it still feels like Monday. So maybe this breakdown is heading into a week, maybe not. One thing is, those websites were right. The longer a breakdown continues, the worse it gets. Each day is less and less food, water, and movement. And that’s just basic necessities. I’m trying to hold out for my therapist appointment coming up next week. She has so many people though, that each appointment is a week or two, sometimes more, away. Not exactly the best mental treatment for my situation, I admit. But I am stubborn, perhaps that stubborness can save me while I also shoot myself in the foot. Its possible.

Now for the gross nitty gritty. Apologies for the many tangents, turns out when you don’t talk to anyone for a week, you end up with a lot to say. Good news! I finally showered AND shaved my armpits which hadn’t been shaved in months. So they can breathe I guess, and my skin can breathe too LOL. But with depression can come fatigue. I have that. So a normal depressed person can be way too exhausted to even think of a shower. For others, it may be some other form of hygiene. All forms of hygiene have died with my depression. On top of that, the bitch depression bought a horrible, mangy dog with her called Executive Dysfunction. This mutt dogs your every step. (Thank God, depression didn’t steal my love for jokes, puns, and metaphors.) Some people have depression that goes an extra step and brings about the literal destruction of that executive function system in their brain. (I just mean that the signals are all fucked up.) And then, some people with both of these also have Anxiety! So they end up with all of these contradicting thoughts and emotions that in the end, makes tasks, like showering, unaccomplishable. Now there are many other conditions that bring about these issues, I am aware, but I am speaking of my own and know for a fact that I can’t be the only one with these kinds of experiences. So this gross factor goes out to all of those who have experienced the same level of cringe or worse, and aren’t up to the potential ridicule that comes with expressing your truth. (To be clear, I’m not dedicating a gross thing to you out of spite, I just mean I’m making a problem you have encountered, heard as well.) 

By the end of the shower, I could barely make it. I was slowing down realllll fast. The NeebsGaming video I was listening to on YouTube is what got me through the shower. Gosh those guys are great. I shaved my armpits before washing my body because I figured stray hair or shaving cream might be in the crevice of one’s arm that I legit can’t see, even with glasses. Between the amount of hair that came out of my head during scrubbing shampoo like a madman, any stray dog hairs that my head picked up from my pillow which my dog sleeps on when he waits for me to snuggle, and the long armpit hair; the drain was kinda blocked. Our shower has that metal thing with holes in it, so its not as terrifying of a drain. But excessive hair or large lumps of solid soap (from a soap bar) can block off a hole. Or in my case, all. So water is not draining, which naturally means the tub is filling. My body is slowing down and I’m trying to push through it while not thinking of the disgusting water approaching my feet. If you’ve ever washed your hands after not washing them for ages and touching many things out in the world, the water, and sometimes soap, turns varying shades of gray. Depends on the dirt particles and amount of dirtiness.Well I has transparent, because its water, charcoal shaded water approaching me. As if my own filth refused to leave my body and was threatening to drag me down the drain with it. 

When I finally finished and got out of the shower, I almost decided to just leave it. Thinking that maybe it will eventually drain on its own. I’m glad I didn’t. I began reaching my hand down to the drain and told myself not to think too much about how pubic hair makes me cringe and how pulling hair from a drain in general, makes me gag. Its a disturbing act if you ask me. Now I’m struggling to get armpit hair off of my hand and there’s somehow still loads more! So I dry my other hand on my towel and rip off a piece of toilet paper. The water is still not draining and I disturbed the many hairs when I went for the first grab. So now I am fishing in charcoal water for clumps of armpit hair. Then wiping it onto the paper. The water finally drains..... oh no.... I kid you not, a whole fucking trail of dirt was left on both sides of the tub on the water’s way to the drain. I take the showerhead and turn it on. Now I’m washing hair and dirt and some other substance I couldn’t see at the time (nearsighted plus the tub is white) down the drain. Except the hair covers the drain again. Typical. At least the dirt and the tub was rinsed. Since there’s no more water, I take a sheet of toilet paper again, and save myself from having to deal with pubic hair that sticks to any surface. (Seriously, what is the deal with pubic hair.) But there’s something else in it. And a lot of this something else. Like a whole body’s worth. The pubic hair is laced with large clumps of tannish, white (my skin color) skin cells. Now I have rubbed my arm before and made a trail of dead skin rolled up into fine lines appear. In the shower I wiped my face with my hand and pulled away that same rolled up skin. But I have never, experienced this amount of filth from myself before. I am still rubbing off some skin, so I probably should have washed my body a second time.

When you become so “broken” that you can’t seem to take care of yourself in a normal time and a healthy manner, you get to learn new things about the human body and experience some events that you probably could have gone your whole life without knowing. And that is something that I feel should be shared more often. That when the person who experienced this, opens up to those they trust, or to a complete stranger, that an appropriate reaction and response be given.

Julie: And then I saw large clumps of my own skin!

Tyrone: Oh damn girl, that is nasty. 

Julie: I know right! But the saddest part is, it probably won’t be the last time. I don’t think its enough to get me to shower regularly. 

Tyrone: Julie, while that isn’t “fine”, it is fine. It is understandable. You are experiencing and suffering from a very real problem. While I can’t confidently say it is or isn’t in your control because I’m no psychologist or whatever, I can confidently say that it won’t always be like this. I doubt that your whole life will be this mess that you are in. Now you may not be back to peak function a year from now, but you will definitely be more knowledgeable of yourself and probably better than you are today. It takes time and so long as God doesn’t need you in Heaven, I’d say you have time. *chuckles* I don’t know all that you are going through, I just met you. And I don’t know how to help you in a way that you may need. But I can certainly offer an ear or two, and a hug if you want one. You just keep on trucking on. You aren’t doing much, and you aren’t doing well. But you are here, and that’s an achievement in of itself.

Julie: Wow, thanks Tyrone. This really helped. One weight on my chest has been lifted, and I will take you up on that hug if you don’t mind.

That’s what it should be like. So if you are reading this and are like Tyrone, not suffering from mental health issues, but you know someone who is, or a stranger comes up to you in need of someone to listen to them; be like him. Offer encouragement and understanding, give advice if asked for it, don’t force physical contact without consent because some people are paranoid (like me) and choose your words and expressions carefully. If someone tells you something gross, react like you are grossed out (which you likely are) but don’t put them down for it. I imagine Tyrone to have that expression of “holy cow, you serious that this happened” when he said it was nasty. That easy going expression can clue Julie in on how he isn’t getting on her, or implying anything sexist by how she is a woman and shouldn’t be this filthy. He’s jovially charismatic, and open. That makes Julie comfortable and feel lighter. Now I included religion in Tyrone’s comment to tack on some humor without making jokes at Julie’s expense, and to show how to appropriately use your spirituality, if you have one. He’s not forcing it down her throat, she may not get the satire of the joke, but he tried. Not to mention, that Heaven, in Christianity, is a place where you are whole and happy. When you go to Heaven, you are with God and your loved ones. You live an eternal life of peace. So for him to imply that she is worth God’s eyes and Heaven, means that he respects her and is lifting her up. Bonus, he is reassuring her that while time is not infinite and we don’t know what the future holds for us, as of today, she still has plenty of time to get back on the track that she desires to be on. Instilling hope and faith. If you were on Julie’s side of life, wouldn’t you want a kind and funny Tyrone to listen and talk to?

[chimomo]

I'm going to give you the chance to rant and ask for your opinions on Snape even though I already know them. >:D

Ohhhh boy. Alright.

First of all – this is not aninvitation to debate or anything, please. My opinions are just that –my opinions. You may see differently, and that's FINE, but pleasedon't try to debate with me. I'm a very anxious person who willprobably just combust.

Warning: NOT SNAPE FRIENDLY. If youlike Snape, this is not a post for you.

So, Severus Snape.

When talking about Snape, I've reallygot to divide this into three parts: him as a character, him as aperson within the universe, and his fans. Yes, they get their ownsection.

First up: Him as a character. Snape's agood character. I consider all of the central characters in HarryPotter to be good characters. They're well-rounded, interesting, havetheir own motivations and voices. Each one of them is worth includingin the story, and that includes Snape. That... is all I have to sayon that.

Snape as a person within the universe?This is where things get messy. Snape is not a good man. Snape is nota kind man. Snape is not a hero. Did he do good things? Yes. Did hedo them for the right reasons? Absolutely not, and that's thedifference. You really have to look at Snape's motivations, beginningfrom when he was a child. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt andsay that as a child, he really WAS Lily's friend just forfriendship's sake. They were two wizard children in theirneighbourhood, things were perfectly innocent. However, when he gotto Hogwarts – when he was sorted into Slytherin – that's whenthings changed.

I'd also just like to point out that Idon't hate kids in Slytherin. Not at all! IRL, my sister's one. Someof my friends are. And in universe, look at Andromeda, Slughorn, orthe dozens of Slytherin kids we never hear about because they're justliving normal lives. However, at the time when Snape was sorted intoSlytherin, it was probably at the House's most toxic point inhistory. Voldemort was actively recruiting, and Slytherin House wasripe for the picking. Many older students would already have beenswayed to join the cause, like Lucius, the Black children alreadythere (except for Andromeda, of course), etc. That is the environmentSnape was put into. And Snape bought into it. He wanted to fit in, sohe bought into this idea of purity and being better than muggleborns.And that's where everything went downhill.

James and co bullied Snape (and, asAllison pointed out to me, other characters agree it was really arivalry). This is true. But Snape was not a nice boy. Lilysays it herself – he called other students mudbloods all the time,and with the people he hung around with, you think he wasn't doingsome serious bullying himself? He was literally longing for the daywhen he could join the Death Eaters, a terrorist group, and spent hisdays – when he was not with Lily, which I'll get to in a moment –with other young people who also wished to be Voldemort's lackeys.That is not a good group of children. The kid was obsessed with DarkMagic – with hurting and killing people. He literally inventedSectumsempra, and we've seen what that spell does. THIS WAS A BOY WHOSPENT HIS DAYS COMING UP WITH SPELLS TO SLICE INTO PEOPLE AND KILLTHEM.

“But he changed becauseof his love for Lily!” But... was it love? Look, I'mdemiromantic, so I'm not the BEST person to talk to about romance.But I've been infatuated with people before. It's not romance. It'snot love. It's obsession. And that's what Snape's “love” for Lilysays to me. Snape clearly did not get a lot of attention as a child.Lily was most likely his first friend. To an 11 year old who hasnever had friends, that's important.As he told her about her new world, she must have looked at him likehe was giving her the sun. And he'd never felt that sort of attentionbefore. And of coursehe liked it. And that's when his obsession with Lily began, I think.To him, she is a prize – this beautiful intelligent witchwho gave him attention andlikes him and wantsto be his friend. And then weget into issues of friend-zoning, both within the universe and infandom. “Snape deserved Lily, he was a better friend toher!” “I'm a better person than James Potter, why doesn't Lilylove ME?”

Then,of course, we get to the Mudblood incident. Snape literally calledher a racist slur. He used themost offensive term for a witch possible. Did he do it withoutthinking? Yes, he did. But to me, that proves the sort of person heis. If he has to actively think about not calling her a mudblood,that is very, very telling. If it just slipped out because he didn'tcensor himself in time, that is very, very telling. And let me justsay – I'm queer. If someone I considered a friend evercalled me by a slur because ofmy identity, you can bet I'd drop them faster than I'd drop a giantspider.

Lilydid for herself the best thing she ever did on that day – ended it.Permanently. She cut herself off from a toxic friend and from thatpoint on was able to change and grow without this tumour of a“friend” hanging onto her by a thread – until, of course, heset it up so that her husband and son would die.

Petersold the Potters out to Voldemort. But Snape planted the idea in hismind. He told Voldemort of the prophecy, and only changed his mindwhen he realized Voldemort was going to kill Lily. But he did notcare about James. He did not care about Harry – this“good man” did not care that a toddler and his father were goingto be killed. He was so bitterabout James Potter and Lily Evans falling in love – of James“stealing” Lily – that he genuinely did not care about thedeath of a small child and his father. And that also PROVES that hedoes not love Lily. I've been in love with two people, and God doesnothing make me happier than seeing them happy, even if it's withsomeone else. It's a bittersweet happiness, but I would never, NEVERwish death upon the boys that the people I love have loved. Becausethat's what love is – letting go, and wanting someone to be happy.For a beautiful example of that, look at the character Tomoyo in themanga Cardcaptor Sakura. Now that isunrequited love.

I'msorry, but that's not a good person. Just.... not. Yes, he went toDumbledore. Yes, he switched sides because of it. But the factremains that he never wanted James to survive – and he never wantedHarry to, either. And that's really what sums up Snape for the restof his life – bitterness.

Snape,from that moment on, could no longer be considered truly evil– he was, yes, now fightingfor good. But he is still not a good person. He is not a kind person.And nothing is more telling of that than his interactions withstudents.

SeverusSnape is as much of a bully in his adult life as James Potter everwas from the ages of 11-16. The difference is that Snape bullieschildren. He is in a position of power over these children. Ofauthority. And he uses that power to bully, shame, and hurt children.Whether it's him sneering at Hermione and mocking her appearance (“Isee no difference”), threatening to feed Neville's toad poison(he's literally threatening to kill a child's pet),or knocking points off of innocent kids for absoltely no reason, he'sa horrible, horrible teacher. Not to mention a biiig, big fact – heis Neville Longbottom's worst fear in Prisoner of Azkaban. I want totalk about that.

NevilleLongbottom has not had an easy life. His parents, of course, weretortured when he was a small child and are now in the hospital,permanently, unable to care for him, love him, or even recognize him.Neville was thought to be a squib for years. He no doubt considershimself barely a wizard. That has left his self-confidence so, so cutup, and Snape just preys onthat. So by the time Neville is in third year, Snape is genuinely hisworst fear. But let's take a moment and think about something – inPrisoner of Azkaban, the entire Wizarding Britain is terrified of awizard who has escaped Azkaban. We know that Neville knows theidentities of the wizards who tortured his parents – and that they,too, are in Azkaban. This is an anxious 13 year old boy. He'sprobably fretting over the though of someone like Bellatrix escapingtoo – not to mention just the general fear of Sirius being out andabout. Yet, despite that, his worst fear is Severus Snape. BecauseNeville is at Hogwarts. Hogwarts, a place of safety and comfort,learning and laughter, a place that is supposed to be so incrediblyuntouchable. And Snape has taken this place that should be a havenand twisted it forNeville. He's made him scared to do things in his own home, and assomeone with an abusive parent, I know how awful that is.Neville can reassure himself about being safe from the Death Eaters.But not from Snape. Snape is not only at Hogwarts, but has genuineauthority over Neville. Authority he uses in the worst possible way.

Andthen there's his treatment of Harry. Was he technically protectinghim? I guess. But honestly? It's a very good thing Harry has a thickskin and just loathed Snape rather than feared him, because Snape wasAWFUL to him. He was unfair, bitter, and nasty to a kid who, in firstyear, really did come in with a clean slate and wanting to dowell/get along with teachers. Snape is the only regular teacher Harryhas an issue with. He gets along well with pretty much everyone else– not counting Umbridge, etc – and his marks are fine. But Snapedespises Harry – DESPISES this innocent kid. That's. That's sochildish and petty and bitter oh my god. I have people I dislike butif one day I meet their kids of course I'm going to be nice to them,because children are not their parents. Harry was not James JR orLily JR, he was Harry, an empathetic, kind, sarcastic boy with hisown personality and life. I still don't like the fact that Harrybasically reacted the way fandom did re: Snape (“Bravest man Iknew” my ASS I can feel all the people Harry's ever met rolling intheir graves when he says that).

Icould go on and on about Snape in universe, I really could. But I'mgoing to wrap it up by saying that Severus Snape is, by all accountsin the Harry Potter books, not a kind person. No amount of fanfictionor gifs of the movies will change that.

Andthat brings me to my last opinion of Snape. Snape within the fanbase.The glorification of Snape makes me sick. If you like his character?Great! We all have our favourites and least favourites. But please,please please PLEASE do not pretend he is something he is not. Andthat's what many, many people I have seen do. These are, typically,people who have not read the books in years. Maybe not at all. Theysaw the movie, and felt their hearts ache at the sight of Snapecradling Lily's body and weeping over her. They turned to fanfiction.And fanfiction, in the Harry Potter fandom, is where canon goes todie. Fanfiction is where the tropes “Ron the Death Eater” and“Draco in Leather Pants” became popular.

Andthe Snape adoration begins.

TheSnily. Oh, the Snily. But that's not even the worst. The Snarry. TheSnamione. The Snape/any studentin Harry's generation (excuse me while I actually go and vomit). Thewank over “Oh, Snape, he was such a good person, did you know Lilyand James were going to forgive him and make him their second child'sgodfather because Lily was pregnant when she died and alsoCrookshanks was the Potters' cat blah blah blah” (reread the booksholy shit reread the books and learn the difference between canon andfanon PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE).

Andyou can't escape it. This Snape adoration, this hero worship, isEVERYWHERE. I honestly categorize the HP fans I meet into “Snape”and “No Snape” - and am far more willing to discuss HP with the“No Snape” category. I just get this huge sense of relief whensomeone says “Oh, I hate Snape”.

Look,I could keep going, but I'm over 2000 words and I'm tired. I'm sotired. If you read this whole thing and hate Snape too, I love you.Come talk to me.

Andplease, please, please – if you disagree, you do. Not. Have toreply. My opinions will not change. I'm just posting this ask as aresponse to my friend sending me in the question.

[tumblunni]

Huh! An Idea!

Hey I just heard about a very cool-seeming anime called (I think?) Rehibilitaion Of An MMO Junkie! It seems really nice cos its one of those stories about hikkomori (I think thats the japanese word for it?)- depressed people who stay at home all day and are socially anxious about going out in public. LOL RELATEABLE, AMIRITE? no but seriously beyond just Jokes, this is a very sad modern manifestation of a timeless mental illness, and i know these feelings well and i wish people could have less stigma about this and instead just give these people the help they need. And that’s why i love this anime concept, cos its a sympathetic take on one of these people as a protagonist, and how videogames as escapism can be A Good Thing and how long distance relationships Are Also Good. Like wtf, subverting all the cliches at once?? Its a really cute looking romance story of her meeting a guy online via vidjagaems, and their love being absolutely real and pure, and it rekindling her will to live and helping her find the courage to take more risks in real life and start the road to recovery. And then they work thru all their various issues as a couple and meet up in real life and have a happily ever after! :D

Now okay, that sounds really cool and I ABSOLUTELY want to watch this show and I will make more posts about it when I do! But also it gave me a bit of a story idea so i’m gonna ramble!!!!!

Okay so kind of a wasted potential thing here is how it has a plot about the two halves of the couple playing as the opposite gender online and like.. nothing is done with it? Nothing really creative or relevant to like.. gender. It just seems like a weird way they could invoke LGBT imagery but technically not be LGBT I guess? Like neither character is trans or has any deep reason for playing that character except ‘my fave colour is pink and people would make fun of me if they knew i was a dude’ and ‘i wanna play a hot guy cos i was kinda lonely and drunk when i saw this MMO’. But then a lot of stuff about it kinda feels like the writers were.. not predjudiced against LGBT or anything?? like the lady protag has NO angst about getting a crush on a seemingly female player, it seems perfectly acceptable in-universe and nobody even mentions homophobia. And there’s a pair of characters that for all extents and purposes looks like a gay couple for half of the game its just like a footnote that one of them is female in real life. So like I don’t know if this was someone being overly careful to censor stuff while still hinting at it, or like if it was never intended to look LGBT and it was all a weird accident?? But anyway thats why it made me go WTF THERE WOULD BE SO MUCH POTENTIAL IN AN LGBT MMO ROMANCE and hey here we go!

THE IDEA TIME what if there was an anime about someone who plays a (presumed) cis dude in an mmo who is actually a trans dude irl? so you could have the same plots about keeping a secret and having a big difference between real and internet personas, but also it could be a wish fullfillment persona and the plot could be less about ‘i’m lying about myself’ and more about ‘the only place i can be the real me is online’. And how sad that is and then how triumphant it could be at the end to be able to be himself in the real world too! and also like... its already coincidental enough that two people would fall in love in an mmo and then end up to be living in the same neighbourhood in real life. so if this anime has me have to believe that silliness, its not too silly to say that two trans people could bump into each other in an mmo! have a trans man and a trans woman who meet as their online personas without knowing either of them is trans, and then their adventures online forming their relationship, learning about each othr, and like meeting a bunch of other LGBT players and forming a guild to fight discrimination in the mmo community?

Also it could be interesting to maybe combine this with the ‘trapped in an mmo world’ genre? Like it’d be extra cool to be a trans dude who’s like.. one of the only people who doesnt want to escape the MMO world. And people could think he’s just a childish jerk who’s addicted to the fantasy life, not knowing about his secret reason he loves this new life. So maybe his personality could be a very ordinary and cute looking dude whose personality is like.. absolutely fearless monster battle man! Like everyone else’s mmo avatars are all super idealized cliche buff and hot people and his is just as close as he could get to his real self but post transition. So he’s five foot tall and chubby and has big ol soulful dragon ball Z krillin eyes and then his job class is something unfitting like gladiator or barbarian with an axe twice his body size! And then in retrospect that’s the most cliche masculine class so maybe the female lead could be a not cliche feminine class, so it doesnt seem like I’m making any statement? cos ‘youre not trans if you dont act stereotypically your gender’ is a real issue within the community, sadly. Oh! Maybe! Maybe theyre both buff classes! But like he could be a tank type that protects his allies and she’s just a regular warrior with no extra functionality. Or another DPS class like thief or black mage? But I like the idea of two very shy and adorable people who both prefer buffness, and then having kind of a badass hero role amoungst their guild and the plot itself. Like, winning the actual battles against bosses is less of a challenge than conquering their various real life worries and being emotionally ready to return home at the end of the journey. Its like a slice of life hiding as an action show! Except you still do see action, its just all comparatively effortless like one punch man. Oh and maybe while male lead made his avatar look just like himself but post transition, female lead’s avatar is kind of an exaggerated ideal stereotypical female thing? Because she’s self concious about being very tall and not very curvy and stuff, even post transition. And like she’s angsting about being forced into further cosmetic plastic surgery that she doesn’t really want, to get a body that she doesn’t really want, but feels like she HAS to have. Like maybe she has some sort of friend in real life who’s like a Fedora Wearing Fake Nice Guy who keeps trying to get her to give in and date him like ‘you’ll never get anyone else’, and trying to make her change herself. Negging champion of utter hateability!

And then female lead could be kind of a mentor role to male lead because she’s post transition, and motivates him to believe that someday he’ll be able to transition too and he doesn’t need to stay trapped forever in a fake world in order to be himself. And he could also be the same mentor role to her because he’s like... happy? Well, obviously he isn’t 100% happy because that’s his whole problem, but he doesn’t have the same social anxiety issues and he’s more confident in his anxiety without worrying that he’s wrong and he really is a girl, etc etc. Like he’s at peace with being trans and his obstacle is just feeling like he’ll never pass successfully without surgery, and never be able to get that surgery. It took him ages to even get on HRT, possibly because of something like being trapped in an abusive family that didnt aknowledge his gender? or possibly just because of being in a country where he’d need a lot of money to get the treatment he needs, or because of struggling to find a good doctor? So anyway now he’s just started HRT and he expected everything to be okay now, but he’s getting frustrated how long it’s taking to have the amount of visual change he needs to be respected by his coworkers and stuff, and now he’s had some sort of other money emergency and he may not be able to get top surgery in the end. So at the time of starting this MMO he was really un-optimistic about his future and looking for an escape. And she was looking for a similar escape because she didnt have any support group while transitioning, and had got trapped into an abusive relationship with this other dude that was making her feel like a fake woman who’d never be loved by anyone except him. So she was considering giving in and falling into his trap, and that’s her reason to be terrified of going back to the real world... And so they both are all OH MY GOD YOURE SO AMAZING I’M SO TRASH about each other, and they help teach each other two different aspects of self love that they were missing, and they make a bunch of other friends in the LGBT community, and generally find the love and support they always needed! And then in the end they could go back to the real world and move in together and slap negging man in the face, and keep in touch with all the other guildmates and create a better community for all queer folks playing this game! Woo! And also maybe the final scene could be like ‘wow we havent seen you guys for ages’ ‘yeah we were so busy with the wedding, we couldnt play!’ and then the guild’s wedding gift to them was saving up for a rare ingame item that lets you re-customize your character, and female lead makes one that looks closer to her real life appearance cos now she’s happy with herself! and then we pan out and see that male lead now also looks totally identical to his ingame self, and he did manage to transition in the end! ...and then i dunno, cliche anime everyone looks at the camera and jumps and the theme tune plays, lol