#celotehotah

[writtenformyselfonly]

All this time, I thought myself that I was lonely. That's why I always became a "YES MAN" to anybody surrounded me, anybody whom I love, I always think that they will leave if I don't give 100% myself. I always think that the truly my self is lonely even surrounded with my friends which I still don't know if they love me or not.

But I just found the video of Ade Paloh a month ago, on this video, he said

"…feeling loneliness are fine, but declare that our self are lonely is KUFUR. Because at that point we don't recognize the grace from Allah" "... gaboleh overthinking, suudzon sama Tuhan"

watched this video while mbrebes mili thinking that this person was gone already, also thinking about what he really said.

Lightning struck!!!

Yaa Allah, please forgive me that all this time I feel my self lonely. and thank you that you've sent my family and friends, that their present makes me shouldn't think that I am lonely.

[writtenformyselfonly]

the vocalist of one of my favorite bands has passed away yesterday. It was shocking to me. Can't imagine how this band would be without this person, it would never be the same.

Yesterday, not just once, but I did so many times checking my social media just to know about any other musician social media update about this person, turns out every post I saw about him was always positive things and how this person gave an impact to others lives.

Every post I read about this person is always about how this person adds at least one meaning to life for other people

It is truly the definition of a life that benefits others. Not just one person, but many.

Apart from that, he is known as a devout person

Many people attend and accompany him to his final resting place. The sky, which was lately cloudy and rainy, looked very bright that day. It was as if the universe was rejoicing in preparation to receive his body back on earth.

And this one below makes me cried a lot

Yesterday, I thought all day long. As long as I live, have I benefited other people?? Doing good things for other people and gives at least a very little meaning of others' lives.

A long time ago I said "I want to be like an oasis in Sahara, which gives freshness to others who feel thirsty" In my life, even only a little, have I become an oasis to others' lives?

Because I'm afraid if turns out the actual thing is my life was actually a burden for others. I know we all will end up dying alone, but wondering how many people who willingly and sincerely come on this last day of me, and send me a prayer

[writtenformyselfonly]

I will never ever have a business with my friends. or probably once in a lifetime!

In my life, I always being grateful for people surrounded me. I always believe that they're nice and generous to me. That's why I tried my best to be a giver for those surrounded me, because I receive much in my life from so many nice & generous people.

In terms of work, I did help my friends with their work. Did my best even, without being paid and I never expect as well. The only my expectation is my help is useful for them, and their project will become successful. If there's reason I become disappointed, probably I did my best to help, but my friend didn't do theor best to achieve their goal.

Maybe this also reason I never had any single problem related money with my friend.

While others talk bad about my friend related money, I will never relate (hopefully). While hearing them, I feel bad for them, but I don't hate my friend as well, because he didn't do bad thing to me.

Dear my friend around the world who currently have a money problem,

hope you find a solution for your problem. Hope you never decide to harm your partner for your own benefit. Aamiin.

Friend is way more precious than money.

[writtenformyselfonly]

I thought you were my saviour, the one who was able to heal me. Turns out found me in your life and probably triggered your own scar, the broken part of your soul.

My existence was hurt you that bad, I'm sorry.

My prayer for you is you will be healed someday. I wish there will be an opportunity for us, I wish you also allow me to create happiness together with you. I wish you have ability to say what you want to say, I wish you have your own confidence to tell me what's right and wrong, so my existence doesn't harm you. Aamiin

Dear Happyy, this is it. I think this is the end from the chapter of our story. I don't know when it all start, I don't know when the beginning that I have this feeling for you, but thank you from that moment, until now.

Thank you for always being nice and caring to me. Despite all the drama, somehow I feel loved by you.

I wish whatever you do, you do good. I always pray that you will always have rizky and berkah from Allah SWT. I wish you can find your own confidence & dignity (if all these days, these are the problem in your head. But for me you are responsible enough as a man, that's enough, my family also think that's enough). I wish Allah always give you, Ibu, Ayah, Kauna, and Oruu health and happiness. I wish you could find truly happiness in your life.

Aamiin Yaa Rabbal Alamin

[writtenformyselfonly]

Padahal ku mau away, malah dijudesin 😿 not sure why, is it because he didn't like that I agree for Oruu's request to go to Playtopia or because I disturb his sleep or because I asked him to go to kedai. Hmft

Oruu was whining askef to go to Playtopia because he saw his picture last time when we went to Playtopia. I distracted to go to Pasar Malam. Turns out this morning his mother send me a picture that Oruu went bath already and ready to go with me. How can I reject? Anyway I'm fine to spend time with Oruu, even I'm happy for it. Hhmm, maybe Happy think that I insist Oruu to go out with me while his mother is still hospitalised.

Or

Maybe because I disturb his sleep. Maybe he's just too tired and need a lot of sleep and I disturb his precious thing

Or

He think that I was too careless and not being considerate by asked him to go to kedai. Anyway I'm just asking, maybe he need distraction. I didn't insist anyway.

I need his smile before I go away for few days, instead he gave me his judes.

Anyway, found out that you eat good makes me feel so good. Found out that your mother will get better and going back home also makes me feel relieved and less worried.

Dear Happy, hope whatever you do, you do good. Hope you will always get berkah and rizky from Allah SWT, hope your family always get health and happiness. Hope you will always be happy like a pray on your name. Aamiin Yaa Rabbal Alamin

Hopefully when I comeback, you are not judes to me anymore yaaaaa. Aamiin Yaa Rabbal Alamin

[writtenformyselfonly]

I just heard Taylor Swift - The Story of US, and suddenly it bring me to a lot of tears 😭 in office (I cried a lot, even I need to move into private meeting room, so no one can see). This song really reminds me of Happy! It reminds me how we are right now. Well, we are still in the same circle, still hanging out, but I still feel different.

The distance we had now makes me afraid to approach him. Somehow I was wondering if he think of me, if he ever tried to contact or approach me, if he suffered like me suffered since we are not same as we used to.

I miss Happy!! Sooo much!

Happy maaf yaa. I apologize for what I did, that make things like this happened, that became a cause the distance between us..

...

Oh, a simple complication

Miscommunications lead to fall out

So many things that I wish you knew

So many walls up I can't break through

.............

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending

Why are we pretending this is nothing?

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how

I've never heard silence quite this loud

.............

This is looking like a contest

Of who can act like they care less

But I liked it better when you were on my side

.......

So many things that you wish I knew

But the story of us might be ending soon

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room

And we're not speaking and I'm dying to know

Is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah

But I don't know what to say since the twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now

...........

[writtenformyselfonly]

Am I high maintainance?

I like watching a concert. But not every concert I will attend of course since I have to think wisely to spend my money.

Well, you might see me spend my money to have a trip somewhere far far away. For that, I need to saving for a few months. That's my ego or my revenge to myself, since I never go somewhere with a plane until college. If I can defend myself, I would say that all those trip might be cheaper than any other trip since I arrange it well, even I always bring my own portable stove so I can cook cheap food. I might even more stupid while I work and trip abroad when company will provide me reimbursement for some food, I'd prefer to choose eat McDonalds or cooking Indomie or Super Bubur in my room.

I do eat fancy steak sometimes, or another fancy food in any fancy cafe, occasionally. But food cooked by Ibu are always the best food. or let's choose to eat warteg for my lunch, my favorit food is tempe kotak kampung and sambel. Or Pecel lele with pete and sambal, looks yummy.

I just don't like Lodeh in my life hehehe

I don't have specific brand as my clothes, attire, or accesories. Even I'm okay to buy something from local brand in e-commerce. But for some reason such as 'Once in a lifetime' reason, I might buy one or two things in my life that quite expensive, but it still not equall with my 1 month salary, because I still think it's not worth it for myself. I might consider it if it's electronic things.

So, am I high maintainance?

[writtenformyselfonly]

Every time

every time I heard my WhatsApp notification, I really wish it's from someone I wait.

[writtenformyselfonly]

are you doubting yourself or doubting me? if you're doubting about yourself, don't be! you're all package I want. if you're doubting me, tell me! at least I know my flaws.

[writtenformyselfonly]

A few days ago I thought I had to give up.

I prepare myself. I ask Allah for Allah's guidance. I ask Allah for strength.

But, it seems Allah wants me to stay, seems I am still on the track. The only thing is I need to be more patient, seems I should wait for more, waiting until I don't know when.

Bismillah, if this the only way, Insha'Allah I'll be ready, well yaa I'm ready.

Aamiin

[writtenformyselfonly]

Allah still loves me.

He gives me a problem. Problem that can be solved only by my self.

Allah still loves me.

He makes all my friends busy with their lives, so the only thing I can remember is Allah. The only thing I can rely on is Allah.

Allah still loves me.

He hasn't give what I want today, because he wants me to pray for what I wish for, he wants me to do something good as many as I can, until it becomes a habit.

But I believe Allah will granted my wish someday, once I ready, once I deserve.

Insha'Allah

[writtenformyselfonly]

I don't know

I don't know how to share a sad story of mine to my friends. For some story/topic, I can share it only to my trusted friend. That is not because of I don't believe to my friends. I thought that it's not that important to shared, and also it was not interesting to heard. I thought that my story is not interseting for everybody. So then, I choose to keep it to my self. And if I'm not strong enough to keep it, I share it in here, full of code, but it actually a simple code that everybody might know. I know Its kind of stupid, but still, I don't know how to directly share that kind of story to everybody.

[writtenformyselfonly]

Celoteh otak : perubahan

Setiap orang tu bisa berubah

Berubah jadi apapun. Entah yang mereka kehendaki atau tidak dan yang terpikirkan oleh mereka atau tidak.

Perubahan seseorang bisa terjadi pada aspek apapun. Fisik, psikologis, pola pikir, gaya hidup, dll.

Saya suka merasa banyak perubahan dalam diri saya. Fisik, psikologis, pola pikir, gaya hidup, yaaa banyak lah! Entah apa yang mempengaruhi saya. Tapi ya saya merasa berubah.

Menjadi lebih baik? Bisa jadi!

Menjadi lebih buruk? Bisa jadi! Tapi semoga saja tidak

Tapi entahlah, saya tidak mampu menilai diri saya sendiri.

Saya juga selalu berpikir bahwa setiap orang pasti akan berubah, dan semoga perubahan itu menjadi lebih baik. 

Entah saya yang sok positive thinking atau mungkin saya hanya mencoba menenangkan diri dan menahan untuk tidak negative thinking pada orang lain.

Tapi yaaa saya yakin selalu ada perubahan pada diri seseorang.

Tinggal bagaimana orang-orang di sekitarnya.

Apakah perubahan orang tersebut tak akan diterima?

Atau perubahan orang tersebut bisa diterima? Dengan kata lain, orang-orang di sekitarnya pun harus menerima masa lalu orang tersebut.

hhmmm..

Sekian dulu part #celotehotak dan #okisotoy malam ini

selamat malam