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becauseplot · 10 months ago

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Bro you and me 🤝 can't say I've been missing sleep like you have but brainfog Bad today. More like brainsmog ibr. It is clearing tho so I got that goin for me. Hope you're getting some sleep dude.

Ohhhh so you're like, a seasoned professional of the angstwhump horror. Hats off to you king. It shows in your writing, I'll tell you that much. The xcom fic with Cellbit getting his claws taken out comes to mind. Absolutely made my skin crawl and I was enamored with the effectiveness of the writing every second of it. Have you read if stainless steel could love you back? I tried and couldn't stomach it (only got through like the first like idk 4k words? lmao) but I think it would be right up your alley. Honestly I'd be surprised if you haven't read this already. Maybe I'll give it another shot one day... And yeah, the loss of self. That sure is. That sure is. It's a very personal horror, obviously. And very real. And such a broad concept that it can apply in many different ways, whether that be through more realistic means like being twisted by anger, grief, or loathing, or the more symbolic sense in that you're literally, physically being turned into something you're not. Lots of avenues to explore it.

Also yooo you were a notebook kid too!! Bottom cabinet of my bookshelf is just filled with all of my writing notebooks that I used to carry around with me everywhere and write in. I mostly played with OCs, adapting them from characters/stories in media that I liked, or even from fanfics I read. Ohhh I still remember some of them. Faze, Kahli, Null, Myles, Tempest, Ray, Professor Noctis, Roza, Sorin... Honestly there were so many of them, and the fact that I can only recall a handful of their names is so fucking sad hough. Gotta look through those notebooks again. At some point I decided that I was going to take all of the stories I had floating around in my head and just say "fuck it, these all exist in the same world and are actually happening simultaneously" and there was a shitload of worldbuilding about the magic systems and there was supposed to be this whole prophecy thing drawing them all together etc etc. I don't even remember all the details and funnily enough, I didn't write everything down simply because there was So Much. I know I made a few lore documents, but just writing the scenes was so much more entertaining to me.

But yeah, that's what I spent my time writing about. Just little scenes that would pop into my head now and then. I filled up notebooks so fast. I should honestly get back into notebook writing, even if it's not with OCs. It's been a real hot minute since I've written for myself and not ao3. The closest I get to it now is Roommates/Cellmates AU. I miss filling up notebooks.

Poor ghost child OC :( I don't even know them or what happened to them but I feel sorry for them.

Yes, something about a gentle ending, or a more fulfilling one... Like the Happy Ending AU? (Actually wow thinking back on it I think your Happy Ending AU was the first thing of yours that I read---that I can specifically recall was by you, at least. It was the first part, where Fit and Phil are discussing "Hey, so is this possible? Do you think we could actually do it?" It was *chefs kiss*.) I think all of the characters deserves a happy ending. That last fic in the xcom au with Pac, that one is. Houough <3. And yes the net for people to fall onto---that's all we want yknow? A net. Just. Something. It's a very human desire, I think. That one fic you wrote about Phil finding Cellbit eating a worker and all Phil was concerned about was figuring out who he could talk to to help him catch Cellbit when this spiral inevitably took him out. It lives rent free in my brain at all times, btw. Archivists. They. Them. The beloveds. (I still want to figure out an Archivists-centric AU to write but *shakes brain, smacks the back of it like a faulty flashlight* c'mon gimmie some plot here, an ounce of worldbuilding, something! (I do actually have something in mind but it's so fucking undercooked that the ingredients aren't even in the bowl yet, I've just got that shit sitting out on the counter. Rip.))

Also yeah, think your shit, king. Pop off. You're crazy. You're cracked. You're goated.

Yeahhh I did like half a whumptober once back when I was OC-writing. It was actually a lot of fun because I had all these OCs to work with in various settings so it was easier to figure out plots to fill the prompts. And real, February is and was like. So shit. March is here at least so we're on our way out yippee.

"I'm so sorry, but it wasn't enough. It found you." <-I looked up the clip again just because and HOUUGHH still gets my heart going. The way my stomach actually fully dropped into the center of the earth when that happened live. And Lucie just,,, She thought she was useless all her life,,,, Lucieeeeee ;-;

Arthur was just a guy!!!!!!! He was just a guy living his life playing in his band UGHGHHGH. And Ceasar yeah 0(-( Just when he was getting to bond with his father,,, All of these people were just People at some point and then they got roped into this shit, one way or another. I mean, in Arthur's case he really was roped into it. Thiago and Liz were already technically part of the Order but their first mission was supposed to be a simple one and it was decidedly Not. Chris' friend (Thiago's dad) was killed by this line of work, pretty sure it's implied that Joui's friends were killed by the stuff from the Other Side, and I'm not 100% sure about Ceasar? But like you said, 30 year old LoL player. Everyone is being destroyed by their work in the Order. They can suffer fates worse than death and they often do. All for the sake of protecting humanity and because of some twisted sense of duty to ensure that what happened to themselves does not happen to anyone else. (Wails Liz wails wails wails.......)

Reading what you said about your larp group and. Goddamn that is. Holy cats. This is all vvvv /pos by the way, just to be clear, I am just floored yknow? That sounds insane. And really complicated but also really cool?? There's just like, so many working parts to it. I'm in awe. I definitely appreciate it, thanks for taking the time to explain it to me, it's vvv cool. I haven't got much to say back because HOOOOHH THATS A BIT OF INFORMATION LMFAO, but I promise you I read every word and I loved it.

Yeah the End Poem! Without going too into detail, my school is Funky so all majors (even STEM majors) have to take certain classes that we would otherwise not be taking, including stuff in the humanities. So that's how the topic of Mysticism came up in one of my classes. It was hilarious honestly bc the prof would be lecturing about Mysticism (or some other spiritual thing, but usually Mysticism) and he would say something that I shit you not would be almost verbatim out of the Minecraft End Poem. And I was always thinking, "Yeah this is great and all but I literally learned all of this from a video game like 11 years ago."

So for one of our major writing assignments, he wanted us to tie a cultural artifact (book, movie, TV show, game, holiday, etc etc) to one of the major topics of the course, and he gave a list of options to choose from. Well, somehow, Mysticism was not on that list. So I had to gather my courage and swallow some of my dignity and email my professor like, "Heyyyyyy bestie so like are you okay if I write an essay about Minecraft [silly block game widely regarded as a staple of the world of middle schoolers] and how it ties into Mysticism [well-written and (usually) highly-respected form of spiritual belief dating back 200 years]." And thank god my professor was an open-minded guy because he said, "Sure why not!" (Which was fantastic because I had no idea what else I was going to write about.)

Yeah it sure is! It's a lot. I can explain a bit here but uh fair warning(?) I get into some stuff that is very much within the realm of spirituality so if that's not your thing then that is fair and I get you completely! Go ahead and skip the next 4 paragraphs :thumbsup:

The best way I can explain Mysticism succinctly would be (and I'm oversimplifying): So you ever been just chilling maybe outside or with friends or just really vibing and having a good time, and then you have this weird out of body experience of realizing something like, "oh holy shit, I'm here, and this is my body, and I'm breathing, and you're here, and that is your body, and you are breathing, and the trees are here too, and the stars are here too, and it's So Much, I think I might be a part of all of these things and I feel so small/big/wide/distant/alive"?

Yeah. So I know that not everyone has experienced something like that (so I'm making a bit of an assumption here, apologies), but it's called a "Mystical experience" and it's supposed to be your brain briefly attempting to connect with the "transcendent" (or the "ineffable", or the "More") and having this personal experience in trying to understand it. And according to Mysticism (or to some Mystics, at least), all of our "souls" have an innate tendency to try to understand and connect with this elusive sense of the "More." There is something out there beyond yourself, and at the same time you are connected to everything else, even if you don't understand the full scope of it yet---but given time, you can.

And that is where it all starts to sound an awful lot like the stuff that the blue and green entities in the End Poem are talking about. Not to mention that one of the entities literally describes something resembling a form of mystical experience: "Take a breath, now. Take another. Feel air in your lungs. Let your limbs return. Yes, move your fingers. Have a body again, under gravity, in air. Respawn in the long dream. There you are. Your body touching the universe again at every point, as though you were separate things. As though we were separate things." (NOTE: not all mystical experiences are the same, what I explained and what the End Poem describes are two examples, but they've got common themes of realizing your place in all of these things and this sense of there being More.)

Anyway that is a very slap-dash shitty explanation of it lmfao. I actually pulled out my old lecture notes to make sure I wasn't completely butchering it. Again, this is very spiritual, and idk where you stand with those sorts of things, so no need to comment on this at all! But I personally find it very fascinating. It was a fun essay to write, even if the 4-page limit had me scrapping several paragraphs (wails).

Minecraft sure is a Thing, huh. I've been writing minecraft fic for so long now that it's almost impossible for me to imagine writing an entirely minecraft-less setting. I just. Love the worldbuilding so much. There's so much to pull from. A sandbox game fr.

Yeah I need to listen to more Bastille. I nabbed "Things We Lost In The Fire" from your xcom playlist a while back and I really like it. I don't really make character/au playlists, but I've got my main one I use for just vibing/daydreaming or running. For me I've been listening to a lot of the Killers (Somebody Told Me my FUCKING beloved it's so gender), LP, Florence + the Machine, and an iiiiitty itty bit of Hozier (I spent last summer listening to his music for hours on end while filing old blueprints and now I can only stomach a few of his songs lmfaooo). Also Mumford & Sons and Crane Wives are good, and I've been looping Who Are You, Really? by Mikky Ekko and thinking about qCellbit so so SO fucking much you don't even know.

Holy shit I've been here a hot minute. Uh. Whoops lmao. Needless to say my brainfog has cleared up. I was in a vvvv Blegh /neg headspace all day but this was nice!!!

finished ep 10 of osnf (long post under the cut oh lord)

crying sobbing kicking over chairs screaming CELLBIT IS AN EVIL EVIL MAN WHY WOULD HE DO THAT. FOR WHAT REASON. POR CUAL RAZÓN. LO ODIO. <-said with the utmost adoration and respect of a writer but the fury of a fan who just had to endure all of that my hearttttt 0(-(

god fuck i have thoughts and feelings regarding episode 10 of osnf. obviously. i don't even know how to start.

okay. first of all the way that he was able to orchestrate the like 57839 different POVs of the nightmare happening at the same time was actually pretty smooth, all things considered. being able to forcibly mute/deafen the others is a good thing to be able to do yesyes.

second, im losing my mind over how he hides the fact that "it's all a dream" WITHIN the "it's all a dream" trope by having the creatures be manifestations of dreams/guilt in "reality" themselves. idk if i'm making any sense, but like, you get it, right? like, it's the fact that we thought we had already discovered the dream-based deceit in the segment because of what the "Hotelier" told Joui at the start of it, but it turns out that THAT was a red-herring of sorts for the TRUE dream-based deceit, that EVERYTHING was a dream, not just the creatures. god there are fucking layers to this im foaming at the mouth that's soooo good.

i guess that's what makes the "it's all a dream"-style trope present here feel less cliche. because, you know, it is a trope, and it's not really a trope that i'm fond of, but because there's actually more going on, it feels less cheap. what certainly helps is that the fact that it's roleplay, so the reactions from the characters are so much more raw, and there are some irl stakes (character dead = out of the series = can't play anymore). that definitely keeps you on the edge of your seat.

edit: something i forgot to mention—what i dislike abt the “it’s all a dream” trope the most is that it is very easily something that can be so, so cheap. all angst, no stakes or consequences, no lasting impact on the plot on the characters. however, not only is there a “physical” impact via several characters losing SHITLOADS of sanity (something not easily recovered) but we get to see a little more into the psyche of the characters. which i suppose is often the point of the “it’s all a dream” segments, but this dream—one with a lot of references to past major character death and itself contains major character death—rings especially true for the themes of the series: the world they live in is dangerous, and the work they do is lethal. people have and will die. and they do and will feel guilty, reguardless if they are at fault. it’s not a horrifying death dream just for the sake of being a death dream, it feels grounded in their reality, and i love that.

third, man he did not hold back. when Arthur was being beaten to a pulp by not!Brúlio, i was actually in shock, i was screaming. plus, i think the fact that Cellbit rolled a 001 when not!Brúlio attacked actually helped to hide the fact that this was a dream. it made it look like it was bad luck rather than the segment was designed to kill the characters (well, at least until he revealed that the damage was 1d4+1d6, but i'll get to that later).

gosh the narration of how not!Brúlio killed Arthur. holy shit. i don't. i don't even have words, that is DEVASTATING. that is probably one of the worst ways for a person to go. i know it's a dream but if i were Arthur i would be emotionally fucked up beyond belief. beaten to a bloody pulp by the father who once loved you so much, screaming at you for abandoning him and that it's your fault he died a horrible death. and then he drops your body on the ground like you're nothing but a pile of useless meat. god. damn.

and then Liz. ohhhh Liz. i just. i was devastated. her whole struggle with Alex, the man she treated so horribly. yes it's true the real Alex never would have said these things to you, but how do you know he wasn't thinking it? that he didn't want to? that what not!Alex says doesn't hold some truth? christttt. and of course the way she dies: in complete agony. and did she forgive herself? because, unlike with not!Brúlio, the creature turned into that weird wispy black thing just as she died, and i would assume that means she forgave herself (if those rules even apply considering this was all a result of the parasite's deceit (holy hell my brain is melting i am the man with the hand on the conspiracy board)).

fourth: the 1d4+1d6 thing! when he read that out, i was stunned. that is a LOT of damage considering all of the characters have ~10 HP. with an extreme roll, that's basically an insta-kill, or it's easily a two-hit-kill. i thought Arthur was unlucky, but when Liz also went down, i was---well, devastated, at first, because that's Liz, she's my absolute favorite and i love her, but i started going through all five stages of grief at once, and at some point i arrived at "no that can't be right" because Cellbit is a good writer. and to deliberately construct a scenario where it would be VERY hard for a character to survive while still in the middle of the story? yeah. and yknow the fact that there's still 6 other episodes fhdsjk. (then again the series continues regardless if a character dies and i haven't looked at other episodes' thumbnails or anything like that for this exact reason. so. i was going in as blind as i could reasonably be.)

in any case, realizing and connecting all of this and then hearing the "Hotelier" start yelling at Joui right after Liz died explicitly blaming him for it sealed it for me: this is a trick of some sort. this is a dream sequence of some sort. these aren't real deaths. (a smaller part of me was still scared that they were real because i know that Cellbit does not shy away from killing off his players' characters, if op and opq are anything to go by. but i digress.)

and then the characters turned to black goo. and i just about threw my computer. rip Luba who got absolutely targeted by the GM lmfao.

anyway uhhh that's about it regarding the dream sequence! loving luzidius!joui and how he just keeps switching back and forth. ((and it further supports my little side-theory that the mysterious blond woman last seen with Team Kelvin was a luzidious we win these.)) i was surprised to see Liz thinking it was so cool when she's been so suspicious of everything in Santo Berco since she got here, but i think she could definitely be using it as a distraction from what she just went through, and honestly she's just happy to see Joui is okay. (the way she gave on up words and just hugged him, the way she held his face in her hands, the way she dragged him down the hall to show Thiago and Thiago was just telling her to fuck off (/aff) because he was getting dressed, my heartttt i love these three, mentor-mentee dynamics my fucking beloved)

also new outfits! sweet! istg the new outfits are so Cellbit's way of apologizing for putting his friends through that. "hey sorry i killed your character in the most emotionally devastating way possible it will happen again wOAH LOOK AT THESE NEW CLOTHES AREN'T THEY SO COOL YOU SHOULD TRY THEM ON!!!"

i've been having mixed feelings about the sudden setting/genre change since the group arrived in Santo Berco. i really, really loved the urban horror-fantasy vibe that they had going on in op and the first 8 eps of osnf, but evidently, this is good as well. the genre is most definitely still horror yippee. i definitely miss the urban-modern setting, but i think i can get adjusted to this. (i'm just,,, not the biggest fan of the auto-heal crystals im sorry i had to say it they feel too op i know their use is limited to visiting the doctor but knowing they exist lowers the in-world stakes for me im sorry---)

anyway, ep 10! you beautiful monster! i have been typing for an hour! i need to go eat food! k bye!

#... this reply tooko nearly 2 hours to type i'm so os sorry for you reading it #<-you dont even want to know how long ive been sitting here typing LMFAO gl dude o7

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