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comicteaparty · 4 years ago

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July 11th-July 17th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from July 11th, 2020 to July 17th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

How do you personally stay motivated and/or disciplined enough to work on your story?

🌈ERROR404 🌈

being under schedule DEFINITELY being under schedule

there has been nothing that has lit a stronger fire under my ass than self appointed deadlines

eliushi [Keyspace]

Deadlines definitely help for me! I also find talking with supportive fellow comic folks, writers and artists very inspiring Their successes help me focus on my work too!

carcarchu

I'm motivated by the desire to see how my story ends

eliushi [Keyspace]

That is also very true and very much the Mood

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I agree with self-appointed deadlines, but also just my eagerness for future scenes propel me. And a little bit of a desire for other people to see a bit of the world that's in my head.

eliushi [Keyspace]

I desire to see the world inside your head

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Hahaha, and I desire to share it

Seriously though, as much as I write for myself, I get an obscene amount of motivation from seeing other people getting excited about my story.

I thrive on the curiosity and eagerness of others, and the potential for others to love my characters just as I do

Feather J. Fern

For me, I think motivation for me is "If I get this done, I can show my friend who is really excited about my comic" Because you always need that one hype friend who wants to see your comic

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

100%

A hype friend or family member can be a great motivator!

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

Scheduling, deadlines, having other people to talk about your work... Definitively my top 3. But also, if for some reason I'm not motivated to do a particular thing, I like to think why is that exactly? Is this page/scene not convincing ME? what can I change to fix that?

Deo101 [Millennium]

^^^ YES!!! 9/10 times if I'm not working on a page it's cause I'm not feeling it 100%, and restarting the page to try something different helps almost always!!!

So I stay motivated by keeping it fresh, and also yeah deadlines help a lot

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Personally? Just hanging around people who also art and seeing how they work. Also trying to keep myself physically healthy because I can't focus on my work if I'm not up to par.

DanitheCarutor

You know, in spite of how busy my life has gotten within the past couple months (Now balancing housework with a job that keeps me away from home for 12-13 hours a day.), the two things keeping me motivated are seeing certain scenes play out and the ending. I have some really major events coming up and I want to see them happen, I want to see that development from where everything began pay off, and I want the characters to get that satisfying ending they worked hard for. Also I really want to see readers reactions, making people upset with my characters and what they're going through is my jam and admittedly a major driving point for me to continue working on my comic.

eliushi [Keyspace]

The emotional connection is key!

persephinnie

Having a support group of friends, even if not exactly friends but peers and mutuals in online communities does so much wonders! And also not necessarily having a strict structure on my end, but telling myself every week what progress needs to get done and writing it down instead of keeping it all in my thoughts helps tremendously.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I'm very motivated by producing the next parts/end of the story

Getting to future scenes

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Fanart is also a biiiig motivator for me. Just the idea/fact that people took the time, care and love to draw my ocs makes me a lot more motivated to tell my story even more, because it means that people care enough to want to see more

TaliePlume

My family mostly my brothers are a huge motivation because they have been through a lot and and there's not that many comics with positive Haitian representation. I wanted to dedicate my comic to them.

GuildmasterPhill

I just started uploading my comic on webtoons now, as well as my main website. Hopefully it can reach more people that way!

In terms of staying motivated, Any amount of feedback from readers is key. I want to connect with them through my art, and if they let me know it's working, then I just gotta keep going!

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

When I can I treat Wayfinders like a full time job. That helps because then I have my usual working schedule and then I just work away! When I have a job I take small breaks to help Q out, like five min breaks, and work on it in weekends and evenings

So motivation is not a problem. I want to make this story so bad. I want to work creatively on my own stories every every day

crittybonbon

I used to be quite motivated by my readers, not wanting to disappoint them by missing updates. But I realized that this was actually causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. Now I'm mainly motivated by strict schedules and habits ("Tuesdays from 8pm-10pm" is my sketch the whole page night, ect). I have a kid now and also work FT so I take my schedules seriously, I cant delay or procrastinate like I used to because I have to balance work and family. On that some note and if Im sick or something I will push the update a day or two and I try not to feel too bad it, your readers will wait. But it did take me years to develop a good work ethic.

Artem Ficta (Ring Spell)

I don't have many readers so I stay motivated purely by my love of the story, my habit of drawing, and my desire for a finished product.

Miranda (Into the Swell)

I feel like my story is what keeps me motivated. I finally have a story that I'm very invested in and it's made it so much easier to keep working on it. But I think also knowing that people are reading my comic would be a good motivator as well. I've also found an art style that I genuinely enjoy drawing and improving at so it's fun to see the improvement as I work on pages.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I want to tell these characters' stories. And I want my readers to know what happens to them. Every page I make is a step closer toward that

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I relate much more to the recent love of story comments than the friends and readers comments

i wanna get to the good partsss

i love my endinggg

and i refuse to be yet another incomplete webcomic

Desnik

I stay motivated by having a critique group to share with on a regular basis. If I have no progress ready to show I feel bad

AntiBunny

I agree that point. My motivation is to get these stories out of my head and into the world, or they might just build up until my head explodes.

Yung Skrimp (Carefree)

Motivation where you at

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

squeakin in just before the deadline to add that, and this might sound a tad mean, spite honestly keeps me motivated to make art and continue my comic/other art pursuits There have been people who tell me I should be doing something else with my life (to put it nicely), and what better revenge than to keep improving and putting more and more of my work out there for people to see?? ain't no one getting rid of me lmao

carcarchu

i feel ya on the spite thing mitzi, the best revenge i can get against the people who doubted me is to flourish

varethane

I think my main drive is being extremely hype to have people outside of my own brain get excited about the story things I have planned. These moments I daydream about.... if someone else can share that dream even for a moment, that's what I want (just realized this wording is extremely sappy skdjdhfbf sorry)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Ah no I think it's lovely the way you worded that

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

Hahahaha [I laugh but deep inside in just... Uwu.. Same]

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Deep same. I do want to see the story come to life for myself as well, but it wouldn't be the same without potential audience engagement. If I were to do this in a total vacuum, I'd probably just do illustrations of my top favorite scenes only.

But it's a little bit more complex than that in practice. Drawing all the scenes enriches my own understanding of/ love for those favorite scenes. It's got the opposite of vicious cycle effect going on.

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble

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petersmparker · 5 years ago

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Congrats on the 100! Could you please do 6. “Your lips are so soft. I could kiss them all day.” and 13. “I might have had a few shots” together please? :)

Thanks sister!!💞💞

This… kind of got out of hand in length. Hope you don’t mind lmao

Peter Parker first kissed you in senior year of high school.

This, of course, was odd due to the fact that Peter Parker wasn’t exactly a friend of yours in senior year of high school. He certainly wasn’t your boyfriend. By all accounts, the fact that you had kissed was kind of bizarre. But, if nothing else, he had made a name for himself around school for being that kid who’s like… scary kind, and it was this, ultimately, that brought you together. It was weird, yeah, to ask that of him. You know it was. But at the time, you hadn’t seen a better option.

Your first breakup was about a week fresh. Seven days worth of being a mess over your tool of a cheating ex, and you had suddenly found yourself in homeroom with a friend-of-a-friend whispering critical information in your ear.

“I heard that your ex said he was going to ask you to take him back today.”

It wasn’t too hard to determine that this was the literal last thing you wanted. In fact, the nausea quickly bubbling in the back of your throat was confirmation of this, and it was only second after receiving this message that you found yourself speed-walking toward the nearest bathroom just in case breakfast decided to make a reappearance.

You didn’t make it to the bathroom. Instead, you had hurriedly turned a corner and plowed directly into something very solid. Had the thing- person- you’d run into not grabbed you, your ass would have hit the unforgiving tile floor hard enough to bruise.

Why in the hell Resident Soft Boy Peter Parker was (and still is) as sturdy as a linebacker is still beyond you.

“Woah! Are you okay?” He asked, looking startled, as he righted your posture.

The big wooden slab of a hall pass from room 110 was hanging from his wrist, and for a moment you wondered if that was the cause for his brick wall-ishness. At the upward curve of his eight eyebrow, you stopped.

“Y-Yeah. I’m fine, I- Sorry for running into you,” you managed to respond, “I was just- Yeah.”

He didn’t seem convinced, which was fair, but also kind of the worst. “Are you sure? You seem kinda-”

“Y/N!”

At the other end of the long hallway that spans the distance of the first floor was your ex. Tall, blonde, and dickish. You acknowledged him entirely out of shock, which was about the equivalent of throwing a rock at a goose. Peter was looking at your ex, now, too. He looked blissfully unaware of how miserable you were about his sudden appearance.

You ended that immediately.

“Actually, I’m not okay. This is insane, but that guy,” you tilted your head toward the end of the hall, “is my cheating ex. Who wants to fix things. After he cheated.”

“Oh?” Peter said, sounding like he was following what you were saying but at the same time not.

“Yes. I’m sorry. Can you kiss me? Right now? So he goes away. Please.”

There was a moment of hesitation, but he did. Peter Parker, relentlessly kind, kissed you for the first time without a single question asked. He kissed you like you were a route he’d walked often enough to memorize it. So convincingly that your ex retreated with an angry huff, and you, for a millisecond, wondered if you had kissed him before and merely forgotten about it.

“Was that good?” He had asked, several long moments later.

He had no idea.

Peter Parker kisses you for the second time in junior year of college.

Empire State University isn’t a dry campus by any means, but you were never one for parties. It isn’t until late fall of this year that you decide to finally take your roommate up on her offer to accompany her to a frat party.

“It’s not one of those gross, keep your drink covered frats,” she assures as you’re tugging on your jeans, “I promise. It’s co-ed. The biochem majors, I think.”

She’s true to her word, you think, when you arrive at the party and discover that it’s not nearly as rowdy as the ones she’s described in the past. Even so, you don’t really know how to behave in this new environment. Your roommate hands you a shot from the girl pouring drinks almost immediately. You down it without thinking. It seemed like the correct thing to do.

It’s your first drink this strong, and you delve into a coughing fit after the bitter liquid makes it past your tongue. Embarrassed, you wave off your friend’s concern.

“Woah! Are you okay?”

Still coughing, you glance in the direction of the oddly familiar voice and immediately begin to cough harder.

Peter Parker is in the doorway to the kitchen, eyebrows knitted into a look of concern, somehow taller and stronger-looking and yet still appearing to be immensely gentle, and all you can think about is every single time in the past three years that you’ve gotten sidetracked thinking about the way that a stranger had kissed you in the school hallway during homeroom.

You manage to get past the coughing and reach up to wipe the tears from your eyes. Realization dawns on Peter’s face when you try to pull yourself together. You wish it wouldn’t. More than a lifetime’s worth of embarrassment has already happened for Peter to witness and you don’t need to keep adding to it anymore. Despite this, you take the shot out of your roommate’s hand and knock that one down, too. You don’t want to deal with this until you’re at least tipsy and happy.

And so the night goes on.

You spend most of the party attempting to avoid Peter, which turns out to be not that hard considering he’s nearly 5'10 now and too polite to push through crowds to reach you. Along the way, you snatch up a third shot and start to succumb to a bit of drunkenness. Avoiding him seems a bit like a game, now. You giggle when you catch his eye across the living room and dart into the kitchen, and then back again when he enters from the other door.

He catches you before you can get your hands on shot number four.

“Is there a reason why you’re avoiding me so hard?” He asks, but you think that you hear a bit of humor in his tone, so you keep on smiling.

“It’s fun,” you answer.

“Is it?”

“I might have had a few shots.”

“I know. I saw,” he responds, before pressing his cup into your hand.

You take a sip. It’s just water, but it’s Peter’s, so it’s pretty darn good. His lips were on that cup, kind of like how they were on yours three years ago.

“Your lips are so soft. I could kiss them all day.”

Peter looks taken aback by this admission, but to you it seems like the logical final stop to the train of thought you’d been having. What, like he doesn’t think about the best kiss you’ve ever been given? Grow up, Peter Parker.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you didn’t just run me around this whole house because we kissed once in high school,” Peter says.

You try to hold in your laugh. The result is that you produce a spectacular noise not unlike that of a motorboat, and make yourself laugh harder. Peter Parker, ever kind, laughs with you.

“Well, it’s nice to see you again, too,” he sighs, grin a bit lopsided, “How about we sober you up?”

It’s not until you’ve gotten a pint of water and half a pizza into your system that you become practically-normal, but Peter patiently waits for the time to come. And maybe you’re still a bit happy from the booze, but you think the second kiss is much better than the first.

permanent tag list

@undiadeestos @moonstruckholland

#blurb requests #answered #sweetotismilburn #peter parker #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker fanfic #peter parker fic #peter parker fluff #peter parker blurb #peter parker x reader #peter parkerxreader #peter parker reader insert #peter parker self insert #blurb request

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i-am-masterkittens · 5 years ago

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You better prepare yourself cause these are Quite A Few Questions 👀👀 3, 4, 11, 12, 15, 21, 23, 31, 33, 39 and lastly 40. Wow. 11 questions lmao

Thank you so much 😭😭❤

3. rant. just do it (I am going to put my whole ass rant under the cut because BOY IS IT LENGTHY. Also tw child abuse, pedophilia, self-harm and I think that’s it.)

4. do you think its ok to separate the artist from the art? No? Like I guess if you want to, that’s fine, I’m not gonna hate you for it, but for me personally I’m gonna try to avoid it as much as possible. If a bad person creates a masterpiece, I’m still not gonna support them.

11. what unusual talent do you have? Uhh mild body contortion? Like I can’t touch my toes for the life of me but I can twist my body really weirdly and bend all my fingertips backwards by a lot. I love freaking people out by doing that.

12. what’s the most interesting schools gossip you’ve ever heard? I have audio-based problems meaning I have trouble understanding someone when they speak and also remembering what they said, so I can eavesdrop on the juiciest gossip and forget the next day. However, I do remember this one thing about some kid named Evan being a vampire, which I distinctly remember because Jake talked about it, but I don’t remember how it came up.

15. what’s a question do you constantly get asked? One would think it would be “omg are you left handed?” Or something similar, but I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me about it. One question I do get a lot is from my boyfriend, “why are you so cute?” It makes me shy and I have to hide my face.

21. what’s a conspiracy you believe in? That there are Warrior cats living somewhere in the world (from the warrior series). Which I guess isn’t a conspiracy, but I believe in it!

23. if you could break one of your bad habits which would you choose? The inability to take care of myself. I mean, if someone wasn’t there to remind me every day, I would never remember to take my medicine, or brush my teeth before bed, or even get dressed half the days. I wouldn’t call it lazy, it’s more of a “I’m too tired to take care of myself”. That’s mental illness for you babey!!

31. you can change one thing in your life right now. what are you changing? OH. I would totally delete every disease in the world. This whole quarantine thing is making me sick physically, emotionally, and mentally, because I am not allowed outside at all and the lack of fresh air, meeting people, and vitamin D is stressing me out and well I feel bad almost all the time now. Not to mention all the cool stuff I was gonna do for my 2020 graduation. 😔

33. what do you think about a lot I sometimes wonder if my best friend would let me call him Jakey or Jakie as a nickname but I’m too shy to ask because I am baby.

39. describe your asthetic Okay so I call it “Pretty-Cryptid, Baby-Softcore.” Because I am baby AND a cryptid. I’ll be eating baby carrots from the bag and staring out the window one minute then I’ll want to be snuggled under lots of blankets the next. I also really love pretty things and colors. Pastel purples and blues? Hell yeah! Pats on the head? I love you. A demon with ethereal vibes and pretty jewelry is standing next to me in bed and telling me everything’s going to be okay? OGHOHOHHHHGH ❤❤❤❤ Anyway I want a pretty monster dad, please?

40. answer with one of your ‘school memes’ (inside jokes you have with your class/grade) with no explanation Mr. Wise.

Here’s my rant:

The basis of it all is just that I would probably sleep forever if I could.

I guess that isn’t all quite a rant, so I’ll start of on a mild note. What the fuck is happening to my dreams? I’ve been having these weird ass dreams about people taking care of me and genuinely wanting to become a parental figure to me. They all wear masks, two of which look exactly like SCP-035 and SCP-049, but there’s this one dude, I don’t know him, but he wears this mask with holes in it. Apparently his name is Jason? This isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream about someone who I didn’t know existed, I’ve also had dreams about Monika from DDLC before I knew who she was, and even about how she died. It was creepy as fuck, and I sure hope my dreams don’t come true because I’ve had dreams of the future more than once.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the heavy stuff, starting with my parents.I know I’m not the only person to have shitty parents, but that doesn’t stop them from being shitty. And before I get into anything, please please, please don’t report them to anyone. It’s probably weird to hear considering all they’ve done, but the guilt will probably kill me literally, and I still kinda love them, I mean they’re my parents and they took care of me. I don’t want anything to happen to them, and I don’t want to have to hurt myself because I did something to them, even if it was indirectly.

It used to be physical abuse, but it’s evolved into verbal as I grew up. Whenever I used to get in trouble, I would get so fucking terrified of what was going to happen to me. My dad, who was mostly absent from my life, (hence my constant wishing for a fictional character to be my dad, and probably a HUGE factor for what’s happening to my dreams lately) was also the most heavy handed with the hitting. He would spank me so hard that I would be crying and my butt would be red for hours. And it was so SO obvious that he liked my sister more than me, because it was always me who ended up with the red butts, and she’d get away with a loud yelling at. Meanwhile my mom would just hit me wherever she could with whatever she could, including a wire coat hanger when she was doing laundry.

And I recognize that I was a problem child, both physically and mentally because of my internal deformities that cause a lot of health problems, but also my weird boyish mentality and energy (I was into roughhousing a lot). But even then, just yelling would be enough to make me stop. Hitting me the way they did only made me learn how to lie to them and hide when I did something wrong.

This sort of stuff went on until about middle school, where it turned into more verbal threats about kicking me out of the house, as well as calling me names and making comments that dropped my self esteem very low, including stupid cow, bitch, and even telling me to hide my body and never wear bikinis or short shorts or crop tops (which I was already sensitive enough about because of my scars and the bump in my abdomen because of my knotted intestines, which gives me digestive issues if I eat too much). Dad almost completely dropped off the disciplinary train, only yelling at me extremely loudly when he got angry, but other than that I did pretty much nothing with him.

Because of them I’ve become extremely paranoid when it comes to touches that aren’t meant to be 100% comforting, and I’ve never been able to fully trust anyone for fear of getting hurt, (I’m sorry Jake :( if it makes you feel better though I trust you the most out of anyone else) and I get nervous when speaking up because I always got shot down by my parents.

It’ll be okay though because I have my boyfriend who I’ll get to live with soon, even if it’s just for the summer.

This isn’t everything that they’ve done, but it’s the majority of it, and even though they do good stuff with me sometimes, like my dad cooks breakfast or takes us out to eat, or we all go on nice vacations together, and it makes me feel guilty that I’m making them look bad, and worry that I’m oversharing or being too sensitive, but then I remember what they do and have done, and remind myself that I’ll only visit during holidays.

When I was 13, I came into contact with a pedophile. My first one out of at least 2 that I remember. I’m going to spare the details, but he tried to roleplay sexual situations with him, and convince me to undress in front of him, and that’s when I cut contact with him, and faked my death. I’m so, SO fucking sick of pedos, and pedo apologists, saying there’s nothing wrong with the age difference, when pedophilia has done nothing good to or for children. It gave me severe PTSD, to the point that I can’t say any words relating to reproduction, and visual-based sexual content will cause me to have flashbacks and panic attacks and cause me to scratch myself. Thanks pedos! Fucking hate you all! Please die.

And before people say I am overreacting, I’ve had this huge trigger since I was 13 and that is not something a kid should go through. And the reason why not a lot of people know about what happened, it’s because of the fear that I harbored, that people would laugh at me, and might use my triggers against me, which made things even worse, and it wasn’t until my boyfriend triggered me (accidentally) that I finally told someone, and it made me feel better that I could rely on him.

Other than that, another rant is about my boyfriend. I mean, he’s a good boyfriend, and he’s nice, but sometimes he comes off as insensitive and it makes me upset. That’s most of the reasons why we fight. Another big thing is lack of affection/attention, which might seems strange since we’re always hanging out, it seems, and cuddling, but sometimes he falls asleep on me and I get bored and don’t know what to do, or sometimes he ignores me to play video games or talk to other people. I am very touch starved so I need constant attention and contact or else I get worried, and I don’t know if he knows this or not, but he definitely comes off as ignorant sometimes.

He makes up for a lot of stuff he does, but it doesn’t make what he did go away, and I wish he’d realize that and change because he keeps making the same mistakes.

My last rant is going to be about myself, and that I feel like a shit person! I feel like I always make things worse! I feel bad for every decision I make! I feel like I’m too clingy to my boyfriend and that I ask too much of him sometimes, and it makes me feel like shit because what I want and how I feel afterwards are different things and wow! Time for scratches! Also I want to have the power to always know what to do and say to make everyone happier and feel better! But then I get scared I’m gonna make a mistake and instead of trying to help I ignore them and go wow! I am a very shit person for ignoring them! And now my heart hurts because I got another heart palpitation by panicking! Wow I have a shit body! My heart deformities might kill me in my sleep! Wow! I am so insecure about everything I do and every way I look. I just want to become small and disappear sometimes. I miss you Jake. It’s hard for me to tell you I love you because it’s such an intimate phrase and my boyfriend was the first to hear it from me. But I’m glad you’re the second, even though we were so close to it. Somewhere in an alternate universe we’re together, and that makes me happy. I hope I we can become platonically intimate again, I remember holding your hand at night and it made me feel a little bit better at that camp.

My body just always hurts. I have to take a lot of medicine, and between all my heart, lung, and intestinal issues, on top of all my mental issues, majority of which have gone undiagnosed because my mom is in denial and refuses to get me to any sort of therapy; all of that combined makes me tired constantly, and I just always have stress, and a little headache in the back of my head.

I’m still hurting a lot, but I hope to get better. I have lots of ideas for the future, and I want to complete them before I go. I hope I make it past 2020, with many of you in tow.

I’m so tired.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.

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approximately12screamingcats · 6 years ago

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the hunger games re-read part 1

so the first time i read the hunger games i was...10? 11? somewhere in there. the last time i read them (before now) i was probably 13. i decided about a week or two ago i wanted to read them again, because it had been awhile and i knew i would get more and different things out of them now than then.

i just finished the first book, and i wanna share some of my thoughts, contrasting them to old ones and giving new ones

under the cut because it’s gonna be real long

katniss

i’d say the biggest difference in my last times reading these and now is my opinion on katniss. when i was younger i had the easy opinion that she was boring and annoyingly emotionless. but honestly that’s really not true, and i think it was in part influenced by her portrayal in the movies, which i always thought was good enough but could’ve been better, and i’d go so far to say now that her casting wasn’t great. but also, a movie in third person is very different from a book in first.

but really what i found, katniss is not emotionless, and she’s not boring. no, she’s still not what i would consider a favorite character of mine, i don’t love her, she’s not exactly my type of character that i love. but she’s interesting, and already a fascinating example of what hardship can do to a person. emotionless was such a wild impression to have of her, but i know i wasn’t the only one that thought that. i can say i definitely do not think that now.

she clearly says near the beginning of the book that she’s learned and taught herself to appear emotionless, so that she doesn’t betray her true feelings about the capitol and endanger herself or her family. but she isn’t emotionless at all. she feels very deeply, whether it’s ones she can identify like her love for prim, or ones she can’t, like her (growing) love for peeta.

the most marked thing about katniss is how her entire life has been driven by this need to survive. it encompasses everything she does, everything she has always done, and overshadows almost everything else. since she was eleven years old, she’s had to provide daily for her family, constantly watching out for starvation and arrest and death by wild animals. it’s no surprise she has no idea how to feel about things outside of that. she even says after the games she doesn’t know who she is when she doesn’t have to fight for food every day anymore. i haven’t gotten there yet, but i think that same theme comes back in the beginning of catching fire. her identity has been wrapped in this survival mode, and it’s twisted her into this person that has had to suppress any and all wants of things that could interfere with surviving. she’s not emotionless, she just quite literally has not had the time or energy to think about anything else and how to process it.

the romance

there’s a lot of opinions surrounding this romance. frankly, at the simplest levels, it’s part of the plot. the star crossed lovers of district 12. but yeah, of course there’s more than that. this is a little hard for me to evaluate without bringing up the other books, but tbh i’ll say what i think now with this one fresh in my mind and the others more distant, and see if it changes after catching fire and mockingjay.

anyway, since addressing the love triangle is unavoidable, i have always liked peeta and katniss as a couple more than gale and katniss. originally, i think at least 50% of why was simply because i liked peeta and i didn’t like gale. interestingly, that opinion still holds solid, but that’s not really why i like katniss and peeta better anymore.

katniss, already in book one, is not ambivalent to peeta and she certainly does not dislike him. honestly, i used to think it wasn’t until someway through catching fire that she began to really love him (romantically). but this read through made me realize she is already starting to in this book. it’s under the surface, and definitely doesn’t take hold until catching fire, but it’s there. their connection is emphasized and shown multiple times even before they get into the games. so many times it’s made apparent that she at least cares about him, but i’d say there’s beginnings for more than that.

the unfortunate thing is that being pushed into the whole love story thing for survival, and in front of everyone, is a really terrible environment for someone who barely understands her own emotions to be processing new ones. she’s worried about him dying, she’s incredibly hurt when she thinks he betrayed her for the careers (betrayal is a very strong word for her to choose here too, when she’s been pondering this whole time how one of them has to die). she very evidently wants him to live when she finds him by the stream. frankly, he was already dying, if she really didn’t care about him, she could have easily let him die without it even looking suspect to the audience. she’s not great at medical, which is shown a lot.

and i mean, how many times does she say she can’t bear the idea of being without him? of him dying? yes, usually these are either quick thoughts in a tense moment, or fraught with confusion or other musings, or paired in direct contrast with gale, but they’re there. she worries about it a lot. at the very end, when peeta realizes “it was all a sham for the audience” she even says she’s not sure if it was only fake, and that she misses him already.

to an extent, there’s bonding from trauma here, but i don’t think that’s an invalid manner of bonding? and it’s not just in and after the games that this shows either. it’s there a little bit from the start. she just has to get to know him.

i need to restrain myself from diving too deep into what’s coming here, but i’ll say this: as the books go on, obviously a lot more happens, but i really think one massive block in the way of katniss admitting to falling in love with peeta is the fact that it’s so blatant and open in front of the capitol. katniss hates the capitol, as does most everyone in the districts. but having her whole life on display like that, forcing her out of a decision, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him, but it is very easy to see how that would make someone (especially a private person) want to withdraw away from that relationship. and katniss, having such a difficult time with her own emotions anyway since her live has been all about survival, doesn’t need that extra barrier on everything to muddle up her emotions and make it harder for her to tell what’s real or not real (lmao).

as for gale, cause i know some people think she clearly loves him, i can get into that more as i get back into the other two books. but from this one so far, and what i remember, a lot of the gale vs peeta stuff isn’t so much about a straight up romance love triangle, but more about what katniss’ life is vs what she wishes it could be. katniss presents herself as a cold and hard person, but she really isn’t like that. she loves soft things, she wants to live in peace, she loves rue and prim and got excited about giving a goat to her sister that she splurged on a ribbon for it. she sang with her father and only stopped when he died. she says she could never admit to her mother how much she needs her gentle touch. the life katniss is living, silent and stoic and always fighting in the woods, is not what she wants. gale, her friend that she definitely genuinely loves (platonically), is parallel to her life. the hunter, full of rage against the capitol, symbol to everything she’s known out of necessity, not want. peeta is calmer, gentler, a symbol to the life she wishes she could have. that’s why they eventually settle down in the epilogue. gale was never the romantic partner katniss needed.

but ive gone far past book one and i’ll get back into these analysis later when catching fire and mockingjay and the epilogue are fresher in my mind.

the rebellion

when i first read these books, my favorite parts were the action and peeta. but man. reading this through now, the story of this rebellion and the rising of people for their justice just screams through the page. and im not even to catching fire yet. it hit me when district 12 raised the salute to katniss, but it hit me even harder when rue died and when cato died. i mean...rue’s death. how katniss covers her in flowers. sings for the first time. drawing to light the utter inhumanity of what the capitol puts children through. but this part got to me specifically:

“I can’t stop looking at Rue, smaller than ever, a baby animal curled up in a nest of netting. I can’t bring myself to leave her like this. Past harm, but seeming utterly defenseless. To hate the boy from District 1, who also appears so vulnerable in death, seems inadequate. It’s the Capitol I hate, for doing this to all of us.”

i can almost hear the lament in that line, “it’s the capitol i hate, for doing this to all of us.” because that’s the truth. they throw up this show, driving them to competition, to hatred, but in the end, even the careers are victims of the capitol.

cato’s death too, for so many of the same reasons. i mean, it’s hard to read this and not feel outright repulsion at what hell the capitol is putting on these people. making the mutts, making them look like the tributes, and then the sheer agony of cato being eaten alive. when katniss and peeta decide to kill him, to relieve him of his misery, it again reveals the truth of things, behind the fancy gold curtain the capitol tries to put up in front of the games.

“It takes a few moments to find Cato in the dim light, in the blood. Then the raw hunk of meat that used to be my enemy makes a sound, and I know where his mouth is. And I think the word he’s trying to say is please.

Pity, not vengeance, sends my arrow flying into his skull.”

these parts are the first set up we get for what happens later. the games are awful enough, but seeing them so raw and unhindered, from the first hand account, you can’t look away.

i don’t know. i can’t put it into words yet, but it moves me immensely. just the story of a people oppressed for so long, revealing the horror and setting themselves free.

other small observations

i kinda wish i had read these books again when i was 16. because 16 sounded so old when i was 10-13, but now it seems young. i would have liked to read it knowing i was the same age as katniss, picturing how that really would be.

i also forgot cinna was not literally lenny kravitz.

i have not read a book this fast for recreation in years, and im LIVING.

#m #the hunger games #thg #thg reread #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #gale hawthorne

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keichanz · 6 years ago

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You Rescued Me: Chapter 7

Sorry it’s a little late guys, but I’m hoping you’ll be able to forgive me after reading this chapter. ;D

There’s also the possibility you’ll all be pissed and come after me with threats of dismemberment, but hey beggars can’t be choosers lmao.

Enjooooyyy!

Read on AO3 || Fanfiction.net

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 || Chapter 11 || Chapter 12 || Chapter 13 || Chapter 14 || Chapter 15 || Epilogue

After dropping Kagome off in front of the house via horseback about half an hour later, he led Rain into the barn to remove the tack and brush her down before picking her hooves once more and sent her into her stall with a pat on the rump. His mind was on autopilot as he gave the horse fresh water and her feed for the night with a few flakes of hay, thoughts of Kagome and their ride together thoroughly distracting him. In spite of her reassuring words that she didn’t blame him, he was still kicking himself for leaving and not being there to prevent Rain from freaking for whatever reason and making her fall.

He frowned as he paused in sweeping the barn floor of loose hay and debris, remembering how she’d been staring at something with avid interest, but when he’d looked, nothing had been there. She assured him it was nothing, but for a moment, something flashed in her eyes too quick for him to discern, and he could have sworn it was…fear? Apprehension, maybe? Whatever it was he didn’t like it, and even though his protective instincts had surged forward, wanting to destroy whatever had caused her to feel scared, her health was more important to him and he’d wanted to see to that before anything else. But it had disappeared as quick as it had arrived and she’d assured him it was nothing. Strange, but since he’d been focused on her wellbeing, he hadn’t bothered to question it.

Thinking back on it now, he hadn’t even smelled anything dangerous, no lingering scent to suggest anything had even been there to begin with. So what had scared Rain enough for her to take off? He was pretty familiar by now with the mare’s behavioral patterns and personality; as many times as he’d ridden her and left her standing by herself for one reason or another, she’d never run off like that even if there did happen to be some sort of small rodent, or reptile close enough to startle her.

The only thing Inuyasha could think of that would spook her to the point of fleeing would be if something had, as Kagome had suggested, snuck up into her blind spot and physically touched her.

Which begged the question once more: what had touched her?

Sighing, Inuyasha shook his head and decided to think on it at another time. It was late, Rain was taken care of, he was just about done in the barn, and Kagome was waiting inside. That last one made him smile and hurriedly he put everything back in its rightful place before shutting off the lights, bidding the barn’s occupant a fond goodnight, then closing and securing the large sliding door behind him as he left.

He jogged to the front steps and cleared them in a single jump, in a strangely good mood as he entered his house and closed the door behind him. And stupidly the first thing he saw were Kagome’s boots, the ones she borrowed, sitting neatly against the wall bench in the open mudroom and the sight was…well, it was a really good one and his heart clenched in his chest as he kicked off his own, set them next to hers, and crossed the kitchen into the living room where her scent was originating.

He found her sitting on the floor in front of the lit fireplace with Jaxson lounging at her side and her hands in her hair as she tried to extract the troublesome burrs from the thick waves, her eyes closed and her face scrunched up into a cute expression of concentration. Raising a brow, Inuyasha quirked a grin and leaned his elbows on the back of the couch, wincing in sympathy whenever she did, his ears flattening whenever she tugged too hard and a soft whimper of pain escaped past her lips. Dammit, but he couldn’t take this.

At that moment, as if she felt his presence, Kagome’s eyes fluttered open and her gaze instantly found his. She blinked, and then offered him a strained smile, fingers still buried in her hair and her posture hunched over slightly. “Hi,” she breathed, then hissed when she tugged a little too roughly on a strand of hair. He bit his lip hard to stifle the whine that rose up in response to her pain.

“This is…a lot more difficult than I remember it being,” she admitted with a dry laugh and released a heavy sigh, slowly and carefully detangling her fingers from her hair and dropping her hands in her lap. “At this rate I’m probably just making it worse.” She huffed. “I hate that stupid plant.” Pouting, Kagome glared into the fire, no doubt cursing the prickly bush that had gotten her into this predicament in the first place.

Chuckling, Inuyasha shook his head, rounded the couch and lowered himself onto the floor, leaning back against it and gesturing her over with a wave of his hand. He supposed he should have been offended by her narrow-eyed look of suspicion, but all he felt was amusement as he raised his eyebrows expectantly and once more beckoned her over to him with a jerk of his head. She hesitated for a moment and the way her lips twitched told him she was making him wait on purpose – cheeky little thing, wasn’t she? – then finally her smile broke free and she scooted the scant distance between them and eased herself between his bent knees, turning so her back faced him.

Inuyasha allowed the pleased grin to surface on his face as he brought his hands up and carefully started combing his fingers through her hair, his claws deftly untangling the burrs from the ebony tresses with practiced ease.

Unpredictably, Kagome noticed this and she piped up, “You’re good at this. I can hardly feel you pulling at them. Are you sure you’re not a closet hair dresser?”

“Cute,” he grunted and she snickered. Rolling his eyes, he explained, “Let’s just say that a certain four-legged creature of the equine persuasion likes to frolic in less than desirable places and so getting these damn things outta her mane and tail is something I’m unfortunately used to.”

“Mmm,” Kagome hummed and brought her knees up to wrap her arms around them and rest her head on her raised knees, closing her eyes with a sigh as a little smile curled her lips. She felt more than heard Inuyasha’s deep chuckle behind her and she blushed, but didn’t move, enjoying the closeness with the man she was quickly developing feelings for.

Inuyasha worked in silence to remove the prickly plant from her hair, being very careful not to pull or accidentally scratch her with his claws while also trying to avoid having to cut any of the raven strands. He managed to free two burrs within a few minutes and set them on the floor beside him but the last one was giving him a bit more trouble. Still Inuyasha worked diligently, determined to remove every trace of the bothersome plant from her hair without causing unnecessary pain.

Thankfully it was only five minutes later that he successfully cut away the last of the spiky residue and he combed his fingers through her hair, searching for any he might have missed and yeah, okay, he was selfishly using that excuse to feel the tresses sift through his fingers like cool silk. He didn’t know how long he sat there, running his fingers through the soft locks and enjoying the feeling of it against his skin and he didn’t even realize Kagome had started to doze from his soothing ministrations until he heard a delicate little snore and he paused.

He blinked, and then leaned forward slightly to try and catch a glimpse of her face. “Kagome?”

He heard an ineligible sound come from the woman before him and then suddenly she fell back against him and he grunted softly in surprise. Her head rolled into the crook of his shoulder and neck and as a soft sight whispered against his skin, Inuyasha discovered that she had indeed fallen asleep on him. Quite literally.

Staring down at her face relaxed with sleep, Inuyasha’s own expression softened and without thinking he reached up to gently brush her bangs away from her face, his fingers sweeping across her cheek and along the bruised line of her jaw. It looked bad today, stark against the smooth paleness of her skin with shades of yellow, blue and dark purple, and even though he knew bruises always got worse before they got better, it still sent a surge of anger through him.

But despite the nearly overwhelming need to track down the piece of trash on legs that was responsible for it, Inuyasha merely let loose a soft growl and dropped his gaze to inspect the contusion circling her neck like a morbid necklace. While still painful to look it, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the one on her jaw and he brushed his knuckles against the blemished flesh at the base of her throat.

Kagome suddenly stirred against him and he darted his gaze to her face, holding his breath, not particularly wanting to explain why he was touching her so intimately. But she remained asleep, emitting another sigh and settling more comfortably against him before going still once more and he released the breath he was holding.

Shifting around himself to achieve a more comfortable position and being sure not to disturb the dozing woman against him, Inuyasha stretched out his legs and propped his elbow on the couch behind him while the other rested lightly across her legs so he could continue to idly play with a strand of her hair. Maybe it was a little creepy, and he didn’t even have the right, but he didn’t want to stop touching her, craving even the most minuscule of contact with her, and for some stupid reason Inuyasha felt his throat get tight.

Here she was, this amazing woman who a mere forty-eight hours ago escaped from her abusive boyfriend with evidence to boot, and she already trusted him enough, a complete stranger, to sleep peacefully against him. This woman that was so strong she still managed to laugh, and smile, and joke around like someone hadn’t used her for a punching bag.

But despite the angry bruises darkening her jaw and neck, she was still so goddamn beautiful to him, and not just on the outside. This woman, she had a beautiful soul too, and perhaps that’s what attracted him to her so much. She was brave, pure, innocent, and…

…And way too fuckin’ good for the likes of him, wasn’t she. He had no right to be so drawn to her like he was, he knew a dirty half-breed like himself shouldn’t be thinking about wanting to kiss her until she was flushed and breathless, especially considering what she’d gone through, but, dammit, he couldn’t help himself even if he wanted to. Maybe it was because he knew she felt it too, the intense chemistry between them, the mutual understanding that there was something between them that was getting harder and harder to ignore, or maybe it was something as simple as loneliness, but whatever the case, he wanted her like hell and there wasn’t a goddamn thing he could do about it.

His ears wilted and he swallowed hard, his hand moving without his permission to tenderly brush against the softness of her lips, tracing the Cupid’s bow outline and imagining what it would feel like having those lips pressed against his own.

Without warning her lips parted beneath his touch and the breath hitched in his throat as a wave of yearning hit him square in the gut. But then Inuyasha forgot how to breathe altogether as her eyes fluttered open, focused sleepily on him, and she regarded him with lazy contentment as a soft, warm smile slowly curled her lips upward.

“Inuyasha,” she breathed his name and he was gone.

Releasing a sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a growl, Inuyasha dipped his head and promptly covered her mouth with his own, finally kissing her like he’d been wanting to do all goddamn day, and when she gasped in surprise he deepened the connection, instantly addicted, greedy for the taste of her.

For several heart-stopping seconds she didn’t respond to him and Inuyasha was beginning to think perhaps his feelings were one-sided and he’d fucked up big time but then her mouth softened, she melted against him before she kissed him back and the sound that echoed in his throat was something akin to joyous relief.

He felt her hand in his hair and he growled against her lips but the fear of going too fast tempered his desire and he was able to keep the connection slow and tender, but it was no less passionate. Inuyasha tilted his head, slanting his mouth over hers, dragging his tongue across her bottom lip to steal a taste but venturing no further. Urgency was roaring through his veins, heating his blood and making his heart pound, but he ignored all of it on favor of reveling in her sweetness, cherishing the precious gift she was unknowingly giving him and keeping a tight leash on his overzealous passions. She was soft, fragile, and just so goddamn pure; he didn’t want to take advantage of her loving heart.

Kagome, however, was having none of it. Surprising the hell out of him, she made an impatient little noise and deepened the kiss, lifting her head and kicking things up a notch by sneaking her tongue inside his mouth and sliding it sensually against his own, eliciting a gasp and then a heady growl. And just like that all coherent thought was scattered to the four winds as he took control, rising a hand to spear his fingers into her hair and tilt her head, plundering her mouth, and he might have stopped at the startled gasp she gave, but the way she kissed him back just as ardently suggested she liked what he was doing and so he didn’t stop, eager for more, wanting to make her as hungry for him as he was for her.

Kagome moaned and one of her hands snagged his ear, dragging a rough groan from him. Inuyasha retaliated by taking her chin in his hand and angling her head for better access to the sweetness of her mouth, the steady growl thundering in his chest growing deeper as the passion climbed. His desire for her knew no limits, had no boundaries, and on an impulse Inuyasha shifted his grip, cradling her jaw as he pressed a series of hot, fervent kisses onto her soft mouth and she returned each one, her little whimpers of pleasure nearly drowned by his eager growls for more.

He couldn’t get enough; just one taste and he was already hopelessly addicted, the taste of her sweet, exquisite, like nothing he had ever experienced before and it was as if she was put solely on this earth for him to hold, to cherish, and to protect. Her lips molded to his perfectly like they were made for his kisses, the soft curves of her body as she turned around in his arms and threw her arms around his neck fit to his solid frame seamlessly and the way she responded to him, to every touch, every caress, every heated growl and moan…

She was made—no, she was born for him, and he for her.

Locking one arm tight around her waist, Inuyasha urged her up so she knelt between his bent legs, nudged her knees apart so she was pressed as close to him as possible, and then she was the perfect height for him to drive forward and attack her neck with his mouth. Kagome gasped and she tilted her head back; he rumbled his approval and cradled the back of her neck as he laved her throat with licks, kisses and gentle tips, moving upward along the delicate line of her jaw, forgetting himself for just a moment as he scraped his fangs against the sensitive flesh—

Kagome hissed through her teeth as her tender jaw protested the touch and all at once Inuyasha stopped as he was suddenly reminded why this was a very bad idea. Just as abruptly he released her with a quiet curse, shoving himself away and shooting to his feet before putting some distance between them.

He stopped at the dining room table and gripped the edge hard, bowing his head and gritting his teeth, hating himself for giving in so fucking easily. What the fuck was wrong with him? Kagome was vulnerable right now, still recovering from a traumatic experience, and he goes and fucking takes advantage of that vulnerably like some kind of pervert who only thinks with his dick. God, he felt lower than dirt right now, like the filth he was always accused of being because of his demonic blood. How could he swear to protect her one minute and then turn around and do that the next?

His ears swiveled behind him when he heard her get to her feet and walk around the couch to stand behind him. He visibly tensed and forced himself not to look at her because he knew his resolve would crack if he did. He still wanted her too much, his body humming with energy, coiled, ready to pounce, and his jeans were feeling considerably tighter.

Behind him, face flushed and lips still tingling from his kiss, Kagome tried not to let the disappointment from his abrupt departure be too obvious in her voice as she asked, “…Inuyasha? Is…something wrong?”

The half-demon was silent for so long Kagome was beginning to think he wasn’t going to answer her but then she saw him lift his head and turn it slightly however not enough to determine his expression. “You should…get some sleep.” His voice was gravelly and he was gripping the table so hard his claws dug into the wood. Had she done something to upset him? “I—” He cut himself off, then fell silent.

Kagome wrung her hands nervously in front of her and studied his back, uncertain, and then decided to bite the bullet and try again. “Why did you—”

“Goodnight.” Inuyasha rounded the table and stalked into the kitchen, only pausing to snatch his hat off the table before storming out of the house and Kagome flinched as the door shut a little more forcefully than was required.

The blatant rejection stung, probably more than it should have given how long she’d known him, and Kagome fought back the tears that threatened to make an appearance. Something warm pressed into her leg and she looked down to find Jax leaning against her as he stared at the door, no doubt wondering why his dad had left so suddenly and without him.

Sniffling, Kagome sighed and knelt down to wrap her arm around the dog and kissed his nose. “Don’t worry, boy,” she murmured and ignored the way her heart ached as she said, “He’ll be back.”

Jax huffed and turned his head to give her some kisses of his own, drawing a smile from her, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “C’mon,” she said and stood back up. “I could go for a nice hot bath right now and I don’t want to be alone. Will you keep me company?” Kagome smiled down at the dog and had to laugh when he gave a soft woof and started wagging his tail, obviously happy to be getting attention again.

“Good boy,” Kagome praised, and after Jax expressed his joy by dancing in circles a few times, the sight of it instantly making her feel better, she started for the stairs with her loyal companion at her side and hoped she hadn’t just messed everything up with her handsome half-demon host.

...Didja see what I did there a;oiehjli;hEWIFAH lOL shuddup Keiz.

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#you rescued me #chapter 7 #inukag #inuyasha #kagome #keizfanfiction #fanfiction

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joonie-beanie · 7 years ago

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Oh, Baby (Namjoon x Reader) Pt. 17

[Pt 1] [Pt 2] [Pt 3] [Pt 4] [Pt 5] [Pt 6] [Pt 7] [Pt 8] [Pt 9] [Pt 10] [Pt 11] [Pt 12] [Pt 13] [Pt 14] [Pt 15] [Pt 16] [Pt 18]

Pairing: Namjoon/RM x Reader Rating: M Genre: Smut/Mafia-ish AU

Words: 4,982

Summary: You were only supposed to have seen him twice. Only twice, no more, but now you’re getting dragged into situations you never wished for and Namjoon just keep showing up.

A/N: Hey would you look at that. I managed an update...I think? I’m really tired rn lmao. Jet lag is still kicking my ass. Anyway! 3 chapters left after this~ I just finished the plot too, so hopefully I’ll be able to update faster. No promises though lol.

Enjoy~

Yoongi finds himself standing in Namjoon’s living room, fingers fiddling with the bowtie around his neck. He decides to wear it loose, and judges against wearing any kind of necklace, because the last thing he needs is additional routes leading to death by strangulation.

His black button down is fitted to him well—tucked neatly into his dark trousers. His blazer hangs by his sides, unbuttoned, and he feels too open without a gun tucked beneath his belt. The realization makes him frown, but he knows this is the safest route, and instead moves to mess with his cufflinks instead.

A few seconds later, a door clicks open behind him, and Yoongi turns to survey his closest friend.

Namjoon’s outfit is perhaps a little more suited to a ball atmosphere than Yoongi’s. His velvet black blazer is a little…flashy (at least in Yoongi’s opinion), but beneath the blazer his white dress shirt is perfectly unwrinkled, very loosely tucked into the waistband of his tight-fitting…

“Are those jeans?” Yoongi questions, frowning in distaste, and Namjoon turns to stare at him. His eyes rake Yoongi up and down, and then he frowns as well.

“If you’re allowed to go to a ball wearing all black, I’m not allowed to take liberty with my clothes and decide to wear dark jeans?”

“Touché,” Yoongi concedes, but rolls his eyes. After all, in the end, their outfits aren’t exactly the most imperative part of tonight. They’re not going to this ball to have a good time.

Staring at his best friend, Yoongi feels nostalgia pang within his chest. Namjoon is no longer the scared 19 year old Yoongi had decided to pitifully share half his meal with all those years ago, when he’d spotted Namjoon curled in on himself in the back of the gang’s hideout. He’d been thin—hair unkempt, and face unshaved—not moving from his spot unless called upon. He had looked like the whole world was crumbling around him, when in reality the world continued to move, and Namjoon had instead decided to disconnect.

He hadn’t looked too young to be a part of their gang—younger kids than him had gotten into the mafia way of life—but at a mere glance Yoongi could tell that Namjoon hadn’t joined by choice. And while Yoongi had, that didn’t mean couldn’t sympathize, and that he never regretted his decision.

And so, Yoongi had managed to get Namjoon to raise his head—and not out fear of discipline, but out of curiosity—because Namjoon had heard the sincere concern in Yoongi’s tone. And kindness—which had vanished from Namjoon’s life weeks before—was exactly what he needed to feel in that moment.

Almost immediately, Namjoon had taken to Yoongi like a lost puppy, and while, at that time, Yoongi had no real intention of becoming Namjoon’s keeper, he had let the younger boy stay near.

After that, slowly, Namjoon had opened up—no longer refusing to acknowledge the new world which he resided in—and, in return, Yoongi had quietly begun to take to Namjoon. His wit and knowledge became obvious to their men. He was able to tackle problems or lay out strategies within seconds. And the more Yoongi realized that Namjoon wasn’t just a scared kid with no hope, the more Yoongi’s heart had let Namjoon in.

However, it was Namjoon who—during the moment that the world flipped upside down—grabbed Yoongi’s hand, looked him straight in the eyes, and had told him that they needed to run.

It was Yoongi who, when another, stronger gang attacked their hideout, stood in shock, hand reaching toward his gun, ready to run into the fray. When Namjoon stopped him, Yoongi’s anger had exploded—where was the loyalty?? Their gang was being attacked! And yet, the seriousness swirled together with the heartache in Namjoon’s eyes, and, as the screams of the men he had come to know rang out in the background, Namjoon had asked Yoongi one question.

“Are you ready to die?”

That day, Namjoon and Yoongi had abandoned their gang.

Yoongi had feared for the future—what would become of them? What would happen if anyone from their gang found out that they had abandoned them that day? Yet, when no one came looking for them after the massacre, it became obvious that had Yoongi not fled with Namjoon, he would be dead as well.

“Do you ever wish you would’ve fled alone?” Yoongi finds himself asking, eyes angled towards the space on the floor between him and Namjoon. Silence descends, and Yoongi glances up, meeting Namjoon’s puzzled, slightly angry stare.

“Do you wish I had?”

“That’s not what I asked,” Yoongi mumbles, and Namjoon turns to look in the floor length mirror on the wall. Yoongi watches him as he silently messes with his styled blond hair, which has now gone dark at the roots.

“After my whole world crumbled, you were the only one that managed to make me see hope again. If you had died that day, I don’t know where I’d be.”

Yoongi sighs at the sentimentality, “Joon—”

“You know I’m right,” Namjoon interrupts, eyes flicking up and meeting Yoongi’s through the mirror. “Do you regret coming with me?”

“No,” Yoongi answers without hesitation, and Namjoon nods his head, satisfied. However, Yoongi only sighs again, back hunching as he furrows his brows. The room descends into silence, and when Namjoon moves to grab his wallet and keys from the kitchen table��brushing past Yoongi—the elder finally speaks up.

“You know, Joon…if we do this tonight we’re probably fucked.”

Without pausing in his stride, seemingly unbothered, Namjoon replies.

“You can back out if you want. I wouldn’t blame you.”

At that, Yoongi bites his tongue angrily, arm lashing out as he takes a step forward.

“You’re—! You’re such a fucking softie, and goddamn I think a part of me hates you for it, but I’m not bitching out now. Not after all the shit we’ve been through together.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Namjoon responds sincerely, and his tone causes Yoongi’s building frustration to melt. Instead, curiosity coats his next question.

“But…why now? Why her? You’ve come so far, and are risking the loss of so much…”

At that, Namjoon pauses. He stares at the table top, face relaxed even as he attempts to find a way to describe the thoughts floating around in his mind.

As he thinks, Yoongi moves around to the other side of the kitchen, gathering up his own keys and wallet. It’s not until the two are beside each other at the door to Namjoon’s apartment that he finally answers.

“It’s because…I see a lot of me in her. A college student that got dragged into a different world because of a mistake. My mistake. I made a mistake by confusing her for Jaehyuk’s daughter, but I don’t regret letting her go—not even when you dragged her back here a second time. I was the catalyst for all of this—so no matter my feelings for her—I owe her this much. I have to do right by her, hyung. I know you must understand.”

“I do,” Yoongi responds quietly, stepping out after Namjoon as the two exit his apartment. They both pause to stare at the closed door, wondering if they’ll ever see it again, but nonetheless they turn their backs and move on.

They don’t have any more time to dwell what was or what could’ve been. They need to get moving.

Because tonight, it all ends.

The closer Namjoon and Yoongi get to Jeon Enterprises, the more crowded the streets become. Lanes are blocked off—police are directing guest’s one direction or another, pointing the VIP’s towards the valet parking. However, Yoongi doesn’t follow the flow of traffic. He takes a back alleyway, splitting off from Namjoon—who had been driving in front of him.

Since Namjoon is a guest, he has no reason to beat around the bush about his means of entry. But Yoongi, on the other hand—

He pulls into the fresh parking lot of a building under construction. The “Do Not Enter” signs have been moved out of the way, and when Yoongi turns into the lot, he immediately spots Jimin, leaning against the trunk of his car. There’s a case of guns laid out in front of him, and he’s checking every magazine, making sure each firearm is ready to go.

However, when Yoongi’s headlights flash against the side of Jimin’s car as he pulls into a nearby parking spot, Jimin’s head jolts up. His hand instinctively reaches for a gun, but when he sees that it’s Yoongi, he relaxes.

“Where are the others?” Yoongi asks, stepping out of his vehicle, and Jimin grunts.

“Where do you think? Everything is on track right now. Did Namjoon hyung head to the ball?”

“Yeah. He was right ahead of me,” Yoongi confirms, stepping up beside Jimin, and when he reaches for one of the guns Jimin smacks his hand away. Yoongi clicks his tongue, grumbling.

“I wasn’t gonna do anything…”

“I didn’t think you were,” Jimin laughs, and then, after surveying the array of firearms one more time, flips the case shut and locks it. Turning, he meets Yoongi’s stare and then hands the case over. Yoongi takes it, the armored case heavy in his grasp.

“We better get going,” Jimin tells him, “the ball should already be in full swing, and I don’t know how long—”

“Yeah—just—give me a second, Minnie,” Yoongi interrupts. He steps forward, caging Jimin against the trunk of the car, and Jimin cocks an eyebrow. Not daring to say anything, Yoongi lifts his free hand and caresses Jimin’s rosy cheek.

After a few seconds, the older sighs.

“If I die—”

“You won’t.”

“—shut up, brat. If I die, I want you to know how I feel, so—”

“You’re not going to die, hy—,” Jimin begins to refute yet again, but part way through his words Yoongi’s lips find his, and he’s silenced. Jimin stares at Yoongi’s half lidded eyes in shock, but when the elder grips Jimin’s chin, eyes closing as he deepens the kiss, Jimin presses forward. His hands cup Yoongi’s face, eyes pressing shut as he returns the gesture.

Neither of them are quite sure how long their bout of kisses last, but it’s not until Jimin is fully seated on the trunk of his car, Yoongi’s free hand gripping the younger’s ass, that Yoongi finally manages to break away.

“Didn’t you say we needed to go?” he whispers against Jimin’s lips, and Jimin nods, his hand untangling from Yoongi’s hair.

“Yeah,” he says, just as quiet, and with one final kiss Yoongi and Jimin separate. They pile into Jimin’s car, the case of firearms resting on Yoongi’s lap, and without another word exit the structure.

10 minutes later, Jimin pulls up behind the Jeon enterprises building. He and Yoongi take a single glance at each other, sharing a determined nod, and then Yoongi spills out of the car. He’s never been a good actor, exactly, but right now he’ll certainly put aside any fear embarrassment in order to fulfill his role.

“Hey--,” the security guard yells at him as he flurries past the gate, but Yoongi doesn’t stop, instead pointing to the case in his hand.

“I’m part of the photography crew! I’m late—!”

“You still need to check in!” the security guard yells back, hand on his walkie as he prepares to give chase, but at that moment a figure appears at the back entrance of the building.

“Hey! Where the hell have you been??” the male calls, and Yoongi silently approves of the fact that Hoseok doesn’t look like he’s shaking in his boots. Apparently he can get his shit together when he needs to.

“Sorry! I got caught up in all the traffic!” Yoongi apologizes sheepishly as Hoseok pulls him inside, and when Yoongi chances a glance over his shoulder, he notes that the security guard has now given up on chasing him.

What a shitty guard, but then again, lucky for them.

Continuing to pull Yoongi along, Hoseok eventually stops and darts into a small side room. He locks the door behind Yoongi, and then proceeds to release the most stressed sigh Yoongi has ever heard, his body deflating.

“You’ve made it this far,” Yoongi comments, attempting to give Hoseok some reassurance as he kneels down and opens the brief case. Hoseok makes a small noise at the sight of the guns, but Yoongi pays him no mind.

“Get undressed.”

“You’re such the friendly guy, Yoongi hyung,” Hoseok snorts sarcastically, but nonetheless begins taking off his clothes. Pleated white dress shirt, form fitting black slacks, and a black bowtie around his neck—he looks perfectly like one of the waiters scattered throughout the ballroom.

“And no one could tell that you weren’t a part of the crew?” Yoongi says, standing as he begins to undress as well. Hoseok shakes his head.

“Everyone is too busy. Too many important people here. They saw the way I was dressed and immediately assumed I was wait-staff without even asking.”

“Good,” Yoongi says, and once the two males are down to their wife beaters and briefs, they change clothes.

“A little big but it will work,” Yoongi comments, smoothing his hands down the front of Hoseok’s clothing. Once Hoseok is dressed, he looks Yoongi over as well.

“You fit the part. But are you sure you wanna change roles? After the security guard saw you?”

“The fat fuck doesn’t give a shit. He’s gonna sit out there all night tapping his foot to the music. Why? You want to be the one confronting our good friends Jaehyuk and Jeon? Or would you rather pose as the photographer and pass out some guns?”

Hoseok sighs, brows furrowing. “Jin hyung did say passing out guns would be safer…”

“Then there you go, Hoseok,” Yoongi responds, smacking the younger male on the shoulder. Hoseok winces, but nonetheless leans down and picks up the briefcase. Before he can begin filling the guns into the fake camera bag also stuffed within the case, however, Yoongi is sure to stop him, picking out his gun of choice. He tucks it beneath his belt, and thankfully the weapon remains hidden due to the length of his suit jacket.

Nodding, Yoongi then spares Hoseok one last glance before he straightens himself out and exits the room. He knows that Hoseok will take another minute or two before he’s done concealing the guns, but that’s fine, because Yoongi doesn’t need anyone wondering why a photographer and waiter had been locked in a closet together.

Deciding to follow the sound of the music, Yoongi maneuvers his way down the short halls. He breathes deep, trying to relax the tense muscles in his back and shoulders, and reminds himself that all he can do for now is trust in their plan, and play his role the best he can. He hates feeling nervous—like his win isn’t guaranteed—but if everything goes as it should, then…

Yoongi pauses. On his right is a small pantry, in which a few other waiters are refilling trays of champagne and hors d'oeuvres. Popping his head into the room, Yoongi happily offers to take one of the trays out to the floor, and the other waiter’s just grunt at him, moving their heads in a way that Yoongi can tell is approval.

So, after grabbing a tray, Yoongi turns back around and continues following the chatter and flow of people to the ballroom floor. For a brief second, he pauses in the entrance way, the expanse of the pristine room stretching before him, but in that moment any of his persistent nervousness is squashed by the determination of what he must do, and he starts forward.

First things first—he needs to find you.

You find yourself toted around the ballroom like some kind of show dog—Jaehyuk keeping you in close proximity, and more times than not his hand gripping your wrist or resting heavily on your waist. Between the millions of thoughts going on in your mind, you still manage to note that Jaehyuk doesn’t seem entirely comfortable being at the center of the ball.

I suppose he is supposed to be dead, you think, blaming his behavior on that. You’re sure there are people here who heard rumors and would be shocked to see that Jaehyuk is up and walking.

Speaking of—

“This is my daughter, Y/N,” you hear him say, his fingernails digging into your waist, and you force a smile on instinct. You don’t even know who it is you’re talking to, or what has been said. “Tonight, Kim Namjoon dies” has been on the forefront of your mind from the moment Jaehyuk had said it, and you can’t deny that since then you’ve been trying to spot Namjoon, rather than paying attention to the people Jaehyuk has begun to converse with.

Understandably, you’re still in shock. Jeon teaming up with Jaehyuk…Namjoon being targeted by them both, and the fact that they’re apparently planning to kill him at the ball tonight. Which means that he’s here, just within your reach, but…it’s… it’s just... a lot to try and wrap your head around, really. But you aren’t given the chance to figure out all your thoughts—aren’t given a second to take a deep breath and reaffirm your hopes that everything will turn out alright. Which is why, right now, you’re panicked and nervous and definitely not acting the way Jaehyuk expects his perfect little “daughter” to.

“I apologize,” you say after you feel Jaehyuk’s grip tighten, vaguely managing to hear the couple in front of you asking if you’re alright. “I’m very taken by this song, and began to recall some memories of dancing to it, that is all. I’m sorry my attention was elsewhere, but please, continue the conversation.”

You smile, hoping it comes across as reassuring, and you must succeed in plastered said emotion on your face, because the couple across from you immediately smiles in understanding, the conversation turning towards the atmosphere of the ball rather than whatever the 3 had been discussing before.

This time, you attempt to keep your eyes straight and your ears focused on what is being said, but it’s still hard. Should you run? If Namjoon is here maybe you’ve got a fighting chance with him. Jaehyuk is certainly overwhelming when you’re just by yourself, but maybe if Namjoon were here he would be able to snatch you away, and you could both be out of here before Jeon or Jaehyuk had the chance to do anything.

Or…or maybe Jungkook (your heart aches at the thought of him, since you have to consider the possibility that he was never your friend, even though you’d come to care for him so deeply) would be surprised to see you and come to intercept you and Jaehyuk. The entire ballroom is so large…if only you could get away and run for the exit, then maybe—

“Hey,” Jaehyuk growls, his tight grip switching to your wrist as he begins pulling you away from where you’d been standing. You break out of your thoughts, looking up to find him staring back at you with a highly displeased glare, and you can only guess that wherever he’s dragging you right now will be a place where no one will be able to hear his angry, berating words.

The thought of fighting him off and trying to run once again enters your mind, but—

At that moment a shoulder roughly bumps into you—hard enough to cause Jaehyuk to lose his grip on you, and for your ass to hit the ground. You’re already thinking about how your chest and ass are going to be sore for the next few days from the blow when a hand descends in front of your face.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” a voice rings out, and you’d call it unfamiliar, but it’s…not. “Are you ok? I didn’t even see you.”

You turn your eyes upward, opening your mouth to assure the person that you are, but when you see the person’s face no words come out. Dark eyes, an unblemished rounded face, and freshly dyed brown hair—but despite the change in color there is no mistaking this man.

Min Yoongi.

His face expresses sincere surprise, his hand still offered to you as he kneels down, meeting your shocked stare head on. Yet, there’s something in his eyes, this seriousness that causes your previously racing mind to pause. A sliver of your rationality comes back, and you realize that if Yoongi is here, something must be going on.

Your eyes quickly scan his body, noting that he’s not dressed like a guest. In fact, he looks like one of the waiters you’d seen wandering around—and your educated guess is also confirmed by the fact there’s a silver serving plate stashed under his other arm.

If Yoongi is posing as a waiter, then—

You meet his stare again, and his gaze hardens. You see Jaehyuk’s shadow loom over Yoongi, and your throat tightens, but Yoongi nods his head ever so slightly, inclining his outstretched hand towards you again, and you breathe deep.

Trust me.

And you do, reaching your hand forward and placing it in Yoongi’s. His face changes back to a look of worry as he stands and reclaims his role as a waiter, asking again if you’re uninjured. However, as he does so, helping you back to your feet, he squeezes your hand so hard in his grasp that it feels like your bones might break, and you hiss in pain.

What the--?! Wasn’t he supposed to be helping you?!

“Crap, did you hurt your hand?” he asks, fake concern lacing his voice, and he squeezes your hand once more before loosening his grip. You get the idea.

“I—I must have,” you say, pretending to be hurt, as Yoongi begins to gingerly look your hand over. You note he doesn’t completely let go of you, not even when Jaehyuk steps up, face red with annoyance, and tries to tug you away.

“Why the hell weren’t you watching where you were going?” he accuses Yoongi, his hand wrapping around your waist, and you see Yoongi clench his jaw slightly before relaxing and figuring out what lie to say next.

“I’m sorry, sir, it was my mistake. But it seems like her hand is hurt,” Yoongi says, and Jaehyuk’s eyes flit down to where Yoongi is still steadily holding your hand, keeping it level, as if something had been broken.

“We have a medical room on this floor if you’d like to—”

Jaehyuk’s eyes narrow before Yoongi can say anymore. “She’ll be fine, I’m sure,” he says, tone clipped, and his eyes rake Yoongi up and down, suspicion clearly painted on his face. Luckily, it seems Jaehyuk doesn’t know who Yoongi is, because he takes no drastic measures—simply tightens his grip on you and prepares to walk away.

“Sir, it really wouldn’t be a problem. I’m sure we could find a doctor nearby as well if you don’t trust our medical staff—”

“Like I said,” Jaehyuk nearly hisses, tugging you away from Yoongi and causing him to lose his grip on your hand, “I’m sure she’s fine—!”

Your eyes widen as Jaehyuk begins to drag you away, Yoongi temporarily dropping his façade as his face morphs into a scowl, his feet moving on their own as he takes a step forward to pursue the both of you. There’s no way he can let you get away--! But…suddenly he stops, eyes shifting over your shoulder, and you see some of the desperation wash out of his gaze.

“I heard someone say that you may be in need of a doctor—is there anything I can do to help?”

God, this is not a voice you had expected to hear, but you’d recognize this friendly, professional tone anywhere. And, sure enough, when you turn along with Jaehyuk to find who had spoken, you end up face to face with none other than Kim Seokjin. His smile is tinged with a little more stress than you’re used to seeing, but this is, indeed, Jin.

“Like I said, she’s fine,” Jaehyuk repeats himself, his fingers curling into your already bruised waist, and you can tell that he’s getting desperate. It’s no longer just Yoongi that he needs to get away from. Jin and Yoongi have him caught on both sides. It’s 2 on 1, and suddenly things are starting to turn in your favor.

“Sir, I assure you I have the credentials to be treating her. Here,” Jin speaks up, still smiling friendlily. He doesn’t seem to be put off by Jaehyuk’s obviously nervous outbursts, even though to any regular person you’re sure it would be transparent that something somewhat out of the ordinary was occurring right now.

Begrudgingly, and somewhat curious, Jaehyuk reaches out and takes the business card Jin produces without ever letting you out of his grasp. As his eyes turn down to read the writing on the face of the card, your eyes flick up to Jin’s. His eyes crease, smile becoming more genuine, and you almost feel like crying.

For the first time in many days you are finally beginning to feel that you’ll be able to get out of here—with everyone—and achieve your happy ending.

“Kim Seokjin, huh?” Jaehyuk speaks up, and you hear the interest in his tone. Clearly he suspects Jin far less than Yoongi. “What’s a young, handsome doctor like you doing here, of all places?”

“Oh, you know,” Jin laughs, playing it cool. “Looking to make a few…ties. See if anyone would like to bargain with my services, to help me get what I want.”

You know for a fact that Jin is lying, but clearly Jaehyuk doesn’t, because his eyes light up like its Christmas. Clearly he’s enthralled at the idea of having a doctor on his side. What mafia boss wouldn’t be?

“I may be able to help with that,” Jaehyuk chuckles, and reaches out his free hand. “Jaehyuk.”

Smiling wider, Jin reaches his hand out as well, and as soon as the two make contact Jaehyuk curses, rearing back. The grip on your waist disappears, and you take a step away, immediately running into Yoongi who is already at your side.

“What…?” Jaehyuk mumbles, turning his hand palm side up. He’s bleeding, but only slightly. And the wound…it almost looks the size of a needle.

Rage filling his eyes, Jaehyuk turns his eyes up to Jin. “You--!” He notes that you’ve backed into Yoongi, being held by him protectively, and his face darkens. “What did you--!”

At that moment, just as Jaehyuk’s voice begin to crescendo, his anger reaching new heights in the middle of his panicking, he stops. He sways on his feet, and you watch as his eyes roll into the back of his skull. Someone nearby gasps, but Jin is at Jaehyuk’s side before he can hit the floor.

“It’s ok, I’m a doctor!” He assures as other patrons of the ball gather around the scene. Clearly no one had been focused on their previous interactions, because no one suspects that Jin is the one who has caused this. Instead, they praise him for being so quick acting in such a situation, and Jin begins to conduct a fake evaluation on Jaehyuk.

At that moment, Yoongi moves his grip to your wrist and begins to hurriedly tug you away. Jin looks up when he sees the movement, and he flashes you one last sympathetic smile, one that reads ‘it will be ok, Y/N—breathe’ before you lose his face in the crowd.

High above the dance floor, watching from the large window of his private room, Jeon narrows his eyes. Stood beside him, Taehyung’s eyes sort through the crowd on the floor below. He hadn’t been paying much attention before now, but both he and Jeon had heard the murmurs, and had walked over to see what was going on.

“What’s happening?” a third voice suddenly questions, and Jeon Jungkook steps up on the other side of his father, eyes worriedly scanning the floor below.

“Not sure,” Taehyung comments, but he has begun to piece everything together. Even though most of the patrons below look like ants, he can still spot that in the center of the commotion there is a man lying on the floor, and that that someone looks eerily like their good old pal Jaehyuk.

Which means…

Taehyung begins to search the surrounding crowd, and it’s not hard to spot the two bodies weaving their way away from the scene.

“I’m going to go make sure everything is alright--!” Jungkook speaks up, turning to make for the door, but his father stops him.

“No, you will go nowhere,” he commands, voice like ice, and the CEO’s eyes shift over to Taehyung. It seems Jeon has noticed the cause of the disturbance as well.

“I think Cinderella may be trying to leave the ball early,” Taehyung comments quietly, his lips stretching into an amused grin, and Jeon grunts. His eyes slide shut, arms folding behind his back, and he turns away from Taehyung.

“Shame. Taehyung, go,” he speaks, and Taehyung doesn’t need to hear more than that.

Grin widening, Taehyung turns and makes for the door, pulling his gun from beneath his belt. He brushes past Jungkook and winks, not noticing the fear and worry that is apparent on the younger’s face.

“Be right back. Gotta kill some nosey mice and make sure our princess doesn’t get away.”

[Pt 16] | [Pt 18]

#oh baby #namjoon x reader #rm x reader #bts fic #bts mafia au #yoongi fic #jungkook fic #jimin fic #yoonmin fic #well there's a little #idk how to tag #jin fic #hoseok fic #taehyung fic #namjoon fic #ok that's good #fic

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ol-razzle-dazazzle · 7 years ago

Note

All the gay asks bc you made me do all of them

OWO thank you I love you1. describe your idea of a perfect dateAll of them??? Kakhiwkdkalgr walking around the beach or going to a bookstore or maybe a forest to chill or an abandoned place for a spooky date??? Movie date??? Ocean date??? Marriage date??? All good!!! Crab catching would certainly be on the agenda though. The oceans the best2. whats your “type”My type? Uhh anyone that’s nice to me lmao. Someone i can joke with and I know that cares about me. Quiet on the outside but like, nurturing and fun when you get to know em. Someone that doesn’t let people treat em like garbage because i yearn to be like that. On a side note I’m not sure why but most people i used to tend to have crushes on were ISFJs (or ESFJs) probably because they fit the criteria above. I don’t really like people that are totally my personality, and I think it’s important to not surround yourself with yes people or people that vehemently disagree with you. And communication! V important In terms of looks though? The kinds of girls I’m attracted to vary a lot actually. Buff girls soft girls tall girls short girls thin girls medium girls big tiddy little tiddy it’s all good. I guess I tend to prefer girls that aren’t white (not in a fetishistic way of course it’s just most girls that I’ve had crushes on or knew that were gay that were white just had really bad personalities and that brand of White Feminism™️ sorry if I worded this poorly) brown or black hair I guess? Just someone that doesn’t look like me adjnrujbslltgbk. Also someone I can squish and hug nicely. Of course I think there’s a lotta bullshit with people limiting themselves to only a few criteria and the racism or body type discrimination is total bullshit. Fetishisation is just as bad. There’s just so many cute girls out there why be a shitlord to people y’know? 3. do you want kids?Later on in life, if my partner would then yeah sure why not. I hate babies though so I would...4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?Adopt definitely. I’d personally prefer to adopt a kid that’s older, because they have a less chance of being chosen and I want them to be raised in a loving environment. 5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been onI’ve never been on an actual date ;v; but tbh any date I’d have with my gf would automatically top the list6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)I’ve never had sex so I got no gosh dang clue aside from fantasies, which I would be nervous as heck but ultimately want to be as adoring as possible and kisses everywhere7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?Mornings when you don’t have to go to things are amazing and beautiful but otherwise afternoon or night time gay. Anything that isn’t midday is good though8. opinion on nap dates?I’d be down for it. Sleeping is great, but cuddling and sleeping? Even better! Doesn’t matter for how long but yes! Good shit!!! 9. opinion on brown eyes?Only the most beautiful thing ever??? Brown and black eyes being ugly is a government lie, they are gorgeous. Black eyes just have that deep obsidian stare and like an adoring cat with dialated pupils you just want to hug, and brown eyes??? When the light hits them or you’re staring into them? Beautiful galaxies my dude. 10. dog gay or cat gay?I love dogs but I would never own one unless my partner wanted one. They’re just not a companion I prefer to cats. Cats are very good and fluffy and compact in comparison to dogs. Dogs are amazing though and I need to pay every one I see. 11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?Dude we already planned to live in a pseudo-barn to have crabs, rats, bats, cats and lizards 12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someoneSomeone who’s very ‘my way or the high way’. (My mum’s a lot like this and it’s caused me to try to constantly be appeasing. But with my mental illness I’ve gotten a lot more irritated by it.) Or someone that is a bit too mean I’m joking about people to the point where you don’t know if they’re serious. (I have this problem a lot with ‘friends’ and it leads to a lot of doubts and depression.) Also highly argumentative people who want to seem better than you and debate everything you say. (Just...ew.)13. what is a misconception you had about lgbt people before you realized you were one?I live in a homophobic family, so I used to think gay was a swear word lmao. I was told that we were unnatural, burning in hell, hypersexual, all that shit. Issues on trans people were even worse, and back when I considered the possibility of me being a trans man (while I experience dysphoria In my body I don’t think I would ID as a man- at the time I didn’t know what agender identities were) I was made to feel like it was the worst thing ever or that it didn’t exist that everyone was just straight and ‘normal’ 14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger selfDon’t pretend you’re aroace to hide who you are, you’re autistic but that’s okay just don’t overwhelm yourself, try to do things to the best you can. Also toxic feminity/masculinity is bullshit don’t feel guilty about wearing anything. You’re gay it’s so much easier now and don’t let people dictate of make you defend yourself 15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?Lmao nah. There is always that awkward moment when you think you see a hot butch but then he’s a twink. Bamboozled again. 16. who is an ex you regret?A few years ago I was forced into a relationship with some rude ass dude who ignored that I ID’d as aroace at the time. I guess at the time I had some comp het so I think that’s why I went along with it? It was kinda some toxic shit like nothing nsfw but he was just a huge dick that went off at the slightest disagreement and I’m glad I got rid of that trash lmao17. night club gay or cafe gay?Cafe gay by far!!! Well I’ve never been to a night club, but I’m someone who gets overwhelmed by loud noises and people, so it wouldn’t be the place for me. Cafes are relaxing18. who is one person you would “go straight” forNo one lmao, The only possibility of slightly me becoming straight is like a fictional character19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?Books and video game gay! There needs to be more gaymes, but books are good I just have less time to read them as opposed to gaymes which I can do whenever 20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)Probably RenMerry from Touhou! These two mean a lot to me, and got me into the series that helped me realise I was a lesbian! These two just work so well together that I strive to have a relationship like that- a slightly bickery old couple with the freshness of new adventure tied together with a love that will never fade away even as it transcends borders~21. favourite gay youtuberDon’t really have one. I’m not really into the British youtuber scene and the ones that I do sub don’t really talk about their sexuality or not (I think sailor j might be bi? But that’s about it) I usually watch comedy channels or vocaloid covers. Actually Oktavia’s Gay, yeah let’s go with her. Her voice is amazing and made me realise how much I love deep voices22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?Ahbkowejkboesh I’ve had crushes on straight people that I’ve wanted to hang out with but no of course not I’m too shy for that shit23. have you ever been in love?Yes! And I’m still doing so right now! 24. have you ever been heartbroken?While in a relationship? No. But like the whole ‘falling in love with a straight girl senpai and then everyone tells her that you have a crush on her which causes you to be distant to each other leading you to cry copiously at her graduation and never truly repairing your friendship which is all you ever wanted and never being able to talk to her again?’ ...y yeah 25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someoneHonestly I try to make a distinction between ‘people I have crushes on’ and ‘people I would date’ bc yeah someone might be cute but dating is another story. I’m someone who varies a lot in style (as someone who may possibly be gender fluid or agender but hasnthad the opportunity to explore that for family reasons) 26. favourite lgbt musician/bandUhhh Queen I guess? Idk I need more gay shit recommend me please. Queen is quality shit though 27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gaysDon’t ever feel the need to apologise or defend you being gay. Be happy even if other people aren’t about you. If you’re autistic chances are you’ll question your identity, don’t worry about it and just love who you love. If you’re a lesbian especially don’t apologise or feel you have to be in a certain role to ‘be truly gay’ and also please ask people out otherwise you’ll never get anywhere- all lesbians are useless and I got lucky shjgowkgowlgr. But above all, don’t feel guilty and have fun exploring yourself and fleshing our who you are, even if you can’t always show that out loud. 28. are you out? if so how did you come outI’m not out to any family member (I say that I’m aroace but they believe I’m straight despite jokes on the contrary) but pretty much everyone that isn’t a complete stranger knows. I can’t help but talk adoringly over my girlfriend so it just happens. Otherwise I go on some spheal about homophobic bullshit dropping hints that I’m gay before saying I’m gay. It’s led to some shittalking and other various bullshit but I don’t give a fuck anymore 29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have Believing I was aroace and my friends saying that i was in denial of being gay. I was like ‘lmao Domi’s just a friend I lowkey have a crush on her but she’s just being nice :^)’ then like a week later burst through the door like BITCH GUESS WHOS GAY FOR HER GIRLFRIEND 30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexualityEvaluate the consequences of coming out. While I live in a homophobic family, Australia is somewhat accepting and there’s no conversion therapy to my knowledge at least (there are highly fundamentalist Christian groups but I’m not sure if they include forms of violence) Especially if you are in an anti-gay country or an area where you could be persecuted, I think it’s important to be out to at least one person you know who supports you. It could be online or a friend that you know you could trust (if you don’t know if you could try subtly bring it up and see their reaction, but better safe than sorry.) because it’s hard to go through this entirely alone. While it’s important to be unapologetic of who you are, it’s more important to protect yourself- this doesn’t make you wrong, but the people who make you feel wrong wrong.

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lk-mitogen · 6 years ago

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mental health rant

A friend of mine had an explosive breakdown at work today, and he got into a lot of trouble for it (he yelled at an R4 and an external doctor, both of which are...wayyyyyy higher up in rank than we are lmao, we’re at the bottom rung or lower). Talking to him and his girlfriend and another friend individually, I got the gist of why he did it -- his parents are divorcing, he has financial issues because of it, he’s lost faith in becoming a pediatrician and now has no idea who he wants to be, we work under insane pressure every day and no one gives a shit except when we fuck up, etc etc -- and I remembered me in my first year and a bit of med school, how I was just like that, because my own parents were divocing and it was hellish, and people came to know me as “that person who’s always fighting with the teachers” because I didn’t give a shit who you were, if you were wrong I told you and gave you twenty citations to back up my opinion, and it was just disruptive and offensive and it absolutely made me no allies.

He wasn’t wrong to get angry, to get irritated, but there are ways of expressing it that are better and more productive, but the reason I can tell that is because I’m in a better place now.

And like, he’s not the only one. My best medical school friend had a prolonged breakdown from last year until very recently, and it manifested as panic attacks and fainting spells and she would literally tell me “I have to get fresh air” and leave me alone in the emergency room with 20 patients because she just couldn’t handle it anymore, and I hated her a little bit for it, not gonna lie, she abandoned me when I really fucking needed someone to help me over and over and over, even in the middle of a goddamn surgery once, but I understood, I got it, and she got help and she’s better now, and she’s an impeccable doctor, whipsmart and attentive, I’d consult her anyday.

And like, this guy’s girlfriend has lately been complaining about nonspecific abdominal symptoms, and she keeps wanting to find a medical explanation for it, but I know it’s psychological, because she’s dealing with the same stress we’re all under PLUS her boyfriend is going absolutely nuts and in a violent way, it’s not the first time he yells at people when he’s frustrated, it’s just the first time he did it to people high enough and emotionally alien enough to him to report the shit out of him for it, and she’s his onlly emotional support, he’s the kind of boyfriend who would say “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”, so good luck with that sort of insane pressure, even if you have enough money to pay for your own transportation and food without difficulties like some other people have.

Another friend keeps sleeping in, she just can’t get up, I keep telling her put!! an alarm!! earlier!!! and she swears she does, but she says she can’t help herself from turning it off, because she “self-sabotages”, and it’s so!! fucking!!! frustrating!!!! because again, she leaves me to handle the 6:45 am handoff alone every. single. day. because she can’t get up and she arrives at 7:20 am with coffee and an apology and I gotta grit my teeth and bear it, because I GET IT, i really really do, she’s under a lot of stress and it manifests as self-sabotage, like, boy do I get it, I’ve been there, so I try to be kind and understanding and patient but. My god. I legit tune her out now whenever she starts apologizing because I’m 99.999% sick of it. And like! She’s a great doctor! Her bedside manner is A++ I admire her so much for it, and she genuinely cares for our patients, even the worst of the lot, I really wish I had her empathy (only not really because that’s where her self-destructive tendencies come from, I think). Basically, she’s a great person, just. Man. Wake the fuck up on time, PLEASE.

And this other guy, another part of our team, is a total flake, he keeps manifesting nonspecific symptoms like MY JAW HURTS I GOTTA GET MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED OUT!! one day and MY ABDOMEN HURTS I CANT COME TO WORK I THINK I HAVE APENDICITIS!!! and fucking shit like this every goddamn week it’s something new, and he’s on so many different medications for depression and anxiety and sleeping and staying awake and he’s gained easily 20 kilograms this year and I feel for him, I really do, his life is spiraling out of control and he’s clawing the walls all the way down to rock bottom, and I can see it, everyone can see it, but he’s too flakey to ever get anyone on his side, and part of me wants to tell him, buddy, take a sabbatical, but the problem is, he already took one so he can’t take another, and he’s burned me too many times and not reciprocated emotionally enough for me to reach out and help him, because I will drown right alongside him at the rate he’s going.

And then my other friend!! Whom I care about! A lot!! she’s also super empathic and kind but. SHE IS. SO GODDAMN SLOW. AT EVERYTHING. In the time it takes me to see 6 patients and write their SOAP notes she’s done one, and she’s not the sharpest tool in the box, she sometimes suggests treatments that are...not the correct ones, and so I gotta go and help her out, talk it through with her so she doesn’t heck it up, and she’s super cool about it! But!!! SO GODDAMN SLOW!!!!! PLEASE! LEARN TO BE MORE EFFICIENT!!! Even though I know it’s all a symptom of burnout, too, even I’m not cold-hearted enough to not realize it.

We’re all just. Shambling through this year, trying our best, and our best manifests in different ways when under stress, sometimes it’s just showing up to work. Sometimes it’s just managing to write the note, even if it takes you hours. Sometimes it’s asking your buddy if they can cover you so you can go cry in the bathroom for five minutes and then come back. We’re all doing our absolute best to be here and attentive and empathic, and I am really proud of everyone, but I’m also really sick of being the most sane person on the team. A selfish childish part of me is like, I WANNA HAVE MY BREAKDOWN TOO DAMNIT!! But I’m too old for it, and I’ve trained myself quite well to handle my meltdowns in efficient ways, productive ways, so I can get back on the horse quickly and in a stable manner. I’m proud of me for that too, but it does get tiring, having all parts of my team leaking anxiety and depression and stress in psychosomatic ways.

So I’m going to give in to my desire right now and have a very condensed breakdown rant and hopefully get all my high octane frustration out in one go, and then parse it out once it’s text.

For the past 10 months I’ve lived through the best and worst of people. I’ve given folks CPR to the point where their ribs break under my hands, I’ve had to fist a lady’s inverted uterus back into place in the most body horror moment of my life, I legit feared for my life when this dude going through withdrawal physically threatened me, I’ve delivered an extremely deformed baby with gastroschisis manually and their guts were spilling over my hands and though it didn’t die in my arms it died about ten minutes later in mom’s and it was sad as FUCK, I’ve had 13 12 11 and 10 year old girls delivering babies because their brother cousin uncle foster dad abused them and abortion is illegal in my stupid fucking hyper catholic state and this is a never ending cycle cause mom was 14 when they had them and on and on and on, and this other time I was the only fucking doctor at a public hospital once during an overnight shift and I had to suture this guy’s toes back on having 0 prior experience suturing ANYTHING and they fell right off the next day because I didn’t know what the FUCK I was doing and I still feel fucking awful about that, and at that same fucking hospital some IDIOT put formaldehyde in a saline solution bottle and this poor surgical nurse accidentally poured it into some poor patient’s open abdominal cavity IN FRONT OF ME and the fucking suction didn’t work because that public hospital is a piece of SHIT and that patient totally died and the resident told the family it had been something else and I WAS THERE and it was BULLSHIT, and COUNTLESS other horrible, truly horrible, absolutely horrible things, and I’ve tried to take all of that shit and learn something from it, make something good come out of so much, so much, SO MUCH awful, and I’ve patiently, patiently, patiently tried to tolerate my collegue’s breakdowns, and their eternal lateness, and the residents yelling at me, and the external doctors telling us we’re never going to be anything worthy, and I think I’ve been doing a good job of it, to be honest, at this point I feel like I’ve become this politely smiling shell of myself to survive it, because a part of me feels like I’m living in an alternate dimension where morality and ethics and laws no longer exist, because they simply do not apply anymore, someone has just taken all of that important stuff and dismissed it to be kindergarden stuff, and I gotta nod and go with it or else I’m going to be my friend saying “i need air” and leaving, or “i self sabotage like this” and sleeping in, or “i think my wisdom tooth is aching” and taking the day off or just, simply, EXPLODING at everyone until they kick me out, and like

a big part of me is MOURNING the fact that I’ve become like this, that THIS is what becoming a doctor means in my country, that THIS is the type of formation they require of us. This horrible automaton of a person, that is a symbol of so much goodness but underneath it it’s all lawless shit, it’s all under the water shit, it’s all cover everyone’s fuck ups type shit. I hate it. I hate what I’m becoming. This person that can talk about all this and kind of go “yeah, I guess it’s objectively awful, but have I told you about [this even more awful event]?” because if you play that game there’s always a worse story, there’s always lower, and lower, and LOWER.

I’ll always be glad I chose to study this career, for all it’s morphed me into something I never wished to be. Because I can wade in these muddy rotten waters and help my friends and my family navigate it, I can help strangers and underprivileged people navigate it, I can help all of them from my insider privileges, to make their experience better than it would have been without me, more efficient, more smooth, more right, correct, lawful. I can’t help everyone, and I’m human and I’ll fuck up now and again too, because I’m learning, but I know, firm in my heart, that wherever I go it will be better that I was there than if I wasn’t.

Even if it’s just because the bar is so fucking low it’s difficult not to do better, believe you me, a lot of my colleagues are so fucking burnt out that they somehow still do it worse, and I’ve seen it in external doctors as well.

I’ll take all of these horrible awful no good experiences and I’m going to do better, I’m already better, I will make people have a better experience when they are going through the worst parts of their lives. Even if I had to mess myself up a lot to survive it, I think it’s worth it to spend this one life of mine doing this. I really really do.

#doodle diary #tho no doodles this time

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