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goatgot5566 · 2 years ago

Text

MHVerse RP with friends

(This is a story pretty much-) It has been years since The Bad planned anything big and aside from their various attacks on villages outside the kingdom walls of Haven, it almost seemed... peaceful. Though it wasn't. They were up to something wicked, something that'll change the kingdom forever. Nightmare, The Warlock of Darkness, was cooped up in an awful (as in creepy) house. It wasn't much of a sight, discerning to all who wonder these woods. It was like a shack, covered in rotting wood and surrounded by swamps known to drive people insane (cough cough, the anti-void). Here no one visits, isolated from hunters but deeply infested with monsters. Which all, if not terrified of, obey this warlock...

Here, Nightmare was planning a huge plan to take over Haven and finally get what he wants. The Apple of Positivity

Nightmare: He was inside the shack for whole week, only to come out to demand more negativity across the land...

Horror: Of course the lack of seeing his boss eating gave him concerning feelings. Horror tried offer Night food, only to get no response. In the end, Horror agreed to help spread the negativity his boss demands to fuel themselves (edited)

JackieArtz — Today at 7:56 AM

Killer stood by the door leaning against it gently. His eye drooped as hate dripped from his sockets. He has the stupid grin. He was just listening to what his boss might be saying or he was just staring really now

Killer: not gonna talk? Yell? Scream? Hit us? Scold? How about scowl? Come on you gotta at least give us that

JakeFiber — Today at 7:58 AM

Dust was sorta just taking up space at this point. He felt lost with all this inactivity. He wanted so badly to just go out and feed. And of course he did just that whenever nightmare required them to go out and cause negativity but the lack of a constant stream of murder left him uneasy

Dust: Forget all that you damn masochist…I just wanna get out there and cause some mayhem again…

Ggff5566 — Today at 8:00 AM

Horror: He sat near one of the windows, that were blocked with wood panels, in attempt to spy on Nightmare. he was visibly concerned. He didn't care about the lack of scolding or hayhem... he wants his boss out and healthy He hasn't been eating... (edited)

JackieArtz — Today at 8:02 AM

Killer: that's not what I'm worried about he took a knife off his belt night! Come ooonnnn none of us has done anything! At all! What are u doing in that head of yours? he paced back and forth

JakeFiber — Today at 8:05 AM

Dust:he sat there staring at the ground. He saw a small beetle crawling by his food. He quickly snagged it, crushing it in his hand, it’s juices and insides spilling through his boney fingers

Ggff5566 — Today at 8:09 AM

Nightmare: After three minutes, their boss slammed the shack's door open, causing the building to shake. Nightmare looked tired, sweaty, and psycho, more than Dust looks. I did it! Finally! The mission can finally be completed! *His aura was seeping with vile intentions, tentacles of mist flickering along the doorframe*

Horror: He glances over at Nightmare, not moving from his sitting position ?

JackieArtz — Today at 8:12 AM

Killer: He's baaaaackkk! We were wondering what you were doing he tossed his knife up and down what mission?

JakeFiber — Today at 8:15 AM

Dust: Just have us do something please. I can’t stand waiting around like this…

Ggff5566 — Today at 8:23 AM

Nightmare: A tentacle grabs Killer's knife, flinging into the ground. The motion of the knife being tossed seemed to bother him right now THE PLAN! THE MISSION! The one where we destroy those no good Hunters and my stupid brother, Haven will be our's and no one can stop us! He chuckles, gripping the staff in his right hand... and now that he's closer to Killer, he appears shorter-

Horror: He stood up from his spot, walking to take place for a better view what Nightmare is doing

Nightmare: He looks over at Dust, hearing his complaints. Nm breaths heavily, exhausted from all the work he done Yes, right, energy. Go, go bring back dust and blood of the dead, I don't care who you terrorize, just go out there and burn a village down. Don't kill all the villagers this time, im straving (edited)

JakeFiber — Today at 8:25 AM

Dust:a cold and sinister smirk grew on the vampire’s face. You got it boss~ I’ll make them s c r e a m for you~ he zipped into the night at a rapid pace

JackieArtz — Today at 8:26 AM

Killer:he picked up his knife again before standing straight. His wings poked out from his cape and what do you want us to do boss?

Ggff5566 — Today at 8:28 AM

Nightmare: He leaned against his staff I need you to find Cross, you as well Horror. I require his assistant on knowledge. After that, Ill tell you all about the plan he yawns for now, I must rest... And just like that, he leans against his staff and falls asleep, clearly tuckered out

JackieArtz — Today at 8:36 AM

Killer: cross..? fine he spread his wings and flew off

Ggff5566 — Today at 8:37 AM

Horror: He looked up at Killer, sighing and followed on foot Why don't I have wings...

[8:37 AM]

(To someone? Good??

JakeFiber — Today at 8:38 AM

(shall we go to cross and cc now?

Ggff5566 — Today at 8:38 AM

(ye

JakeFiber — Today at 8:41 AM

Meanwhile, in a nearby village, cross and cc were laying low inside a busy tavern, hoods draped out their heads to keep them from being identified.

Cross:I hate this…we shouldn’t have to lay low like cowards. How much farther until we make it to the capital?

Cc:Oh we still got a ways to go cross. But I guess that’s just the repercussions of betraying nightmare. We have no choice but to lay low. Any monster loyal to that damn warlock is no doubt looking for us right now.

Cross:Let me remind you that it was your damn idea to betray him…he scolded a little, death glaring cc

Cc:Oh c’mon he was getting us nooowhere. We woulda been better off working for a damn tree. You know it’s true and you know deep down that you’re glad we got out of there…he said, crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat

Cross:he grumbled Still…I hate having to lay low like this…

JackieArtz — Today at 8:47 AM

Truth:they walked into the tavern. With tc following behind. They sat down near cross and cc

Tc:heavy metallic sounds were made when they stepped. Steam coming from their arm they had their hood up their glowing red eye scanned around the room

Truth: how far are we from the capital?

Tc: pretty far still but we should get there on time

JakeFiber — Today at 8:49 AM

Cc:he glanced over at the two strangers that just walked into the bar Hear that…? Seems like we’re not the only ones laying low~

Cross:Yeah yeah…I get it. Ur right and I’m wrong…let’s just drop it…

Cc:he suddenly stood up walking over towards tc and truth

Cross:wtf- where the hell are you going?! he whispered yelled

Cc:he sat down across from truth and tc Heya. Couldn’t help but overhear a conversation the two of you were having. Seems like we’re in the same boat. I’m cc btw.

JackieArtz — Today at 8:50 AM

Tc: they looked up at cc tc and yeah, you heading to the capital too?

Truth: truth..

Tc:they pulled the hood off holding their hand out pleasure to meet you

JakeFiber — Today at 8:51 AM

Cc:he did the same, shaking their hand Tc huh? That’s a nice name…and yeah…me and my uh…”partner” over there are on our way to the capital too…

JackieArtz — Today at 8:53 AM

Tc: thanks we could travel together if u want we are taking a short cut could always use a hand

JakeFiber — Today at 8:54 AM

Cc:Sounds good to me…he looked over at cross who was still glaring at him. He motioned him over. He heard the skeleton let out an audible sigh before taking a seat beside cc

JackieArtz — Today at 8:55 AM

Truth: they stared off clearly blind pleasure to meet you 2 we are off to meet dream especially after that attack-

Tc: ah truth we just met them they don't need to know our story.. they glared

Truth: your too walled off tc they took a drink of water

Ggff5566 — Today at 8:56 AM

(Truth: I just met you, so Ima tell you everything I know)

JackieArtz — Today at 8:56 AM

(I'm tell you everything I ever expirenced

Ggff5566 — Today at 8:57 AM

(Let u tell about my childhood in full detail

[8:57 AM]

(and like, no detail because they're blind XD

JakeFiber — Today at 8:57 AM

Cross:Woah hold on, back up real quick. Did you say dream…? As in the legendary hunter?

Cc:he looked a little dumbfounded Isn’t that nightmares b-

Cross:he quickly covered cc’s mouth What do you two have to do with him?

JackieArtz — Today at 8:57 AM

(HAHAH

[8:58 AM]

Truth: well recently we been requested to help out or more or less a meeting core set us off there

Tc: We work for core for the most part but since core and dream have a partnership Goin on we just going to meet a friend really

JakeFiber — Today at 9:01 AM

Cross:Where are they? Are they in the capital too?

Cc:he raised an eyebrow, wondering why the hell cross cares so much about Dream’s whereabouts

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:01 AM

(He wants that Dreamussy)

JackieArtz — Today at 9:02 AM

Tc: dream is at the capital obviously but core is off in their own save village as to where? Classified

JakeFiber — Today at 9:03 AM

Cross:Ok…you said you had a quick route to the capital right? We’ll accompany you there, if you don’t mind…

JackieArtz — Today at 9:04 AM

Tc: sure we should get going as soon as possible then they helped truth up if you don't mind?

JakeFiber — Today at 9:05 AM

Cross:I mean…we aren’t exactly doing anything so…might as well go now…

JackieArtz — Today at 9:06 AM

Tc: just follow us then they walked out

Truth: I can't wait to see them again

Tc: I can do without seeing ink..

Truth: whats wrong with him?

Tc: you didn't just ask me that seriously did u?

JakeFiber — Today at 9:08 AM

Cross:his eyesockets widened a little when they mentioned ink. He clenched his fist a little

Cc:Easy. he said whispering in cross’s non existent ear They’re our golden ticket to the capital. They seem like they know many people who can keep us safe too..

Cross:I know it’s just…if I ever have to see that damn idiot again…idk what I’ll do.

Cc:Well save it for when we get there, alright idiot?

JackieArtz — Today at 9:09 AM

Tc:they pulled their hood back up covering their entire face besides their eye which just glew red

Truth: did the 2 of you say something..?

JakeFiber — Today at 9:10 AM

Cc:Uh…it’s um…classified…

Cross:Yeah…r e a l l y classified…

JackieArtz — Today at 9:11 AM

Truth:...ok

Tc: so..small talk sucks

Truth: what conversation starter is that??? Why are u guys heading to the capital?

JakeFiber — Today at 9:15 AM

Cc:Look, just cuz you told us your life story doesn’t mean we have to. We aren’t a threat if that’s what you’re concerned about.

JackieArtz — Today at 9:18 AM

Tc: fair they nudged Truth shaking their head a bit

Truth: ow..I was just asking..

Tc: come on I didn't even nudge you that hard!

Truth: they shook Tc's arm metal

Tc: right anyways sorry about that cc don't mean to intrude (edited)

JakeFiber — Today at 9:24 AM

Cc:It’s fine…look…maybe down the road…we’ll tell you everything…but for now all we ask is that you trust us..

Cross:he stayed silent. He was never really good at negotiation like cc was. He hated cc’s manipulative side but damn did it have its uses at times

JackieArtz — Today at 9:26 AM

Tc: alright I can understand that but you understand why one would have suspicions you seem the type to understand that much they looked back at cc a bit seems like they were trying to read him

Truth:they just listened into the conversation not like they could do anything else. It was until they heard shuffling behind us someone's following us I suggest we speed up they are a bit farther behind us but it's better safe than sorry

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:30 AM

(Its the mailman, he's after ya. run

JakeFiber — Today at 9:31 AM

Cc:he obliged with Truth’s request, picking up the pace a little. He figured nightmare and his forces would come looking for them eventually

Cross:he stayed on guard, his hands close to his daggers

JackieArtz — Today at 9:32 AM

Tc:they summoned their shield with daggers at the end.

Truth:they kept listening in trying to pinpoint what It is big..it's a big person I think..? they sped up a bit

JakeFiber — Today at 9:34 AM

Cross:his eyes darted around extremely fast. The description that truth mentioned perfectly matched a monster he got to know all too well.

Cc:he let out a small gulp, readying his shield and sword

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:35 AM

(This my cue?

JakeFiber — Today at 9:35 AM

(Ye

JackieArtz — Today at 9:35 AM

*the only reason they aren't picking up on killer is bc he's in the air))

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:37 AM

Horror: For such a big monster, he hid well, but I guess not well enough. Horror sensed their unease and decided to strike now. His club with a single metal spike going through the top was thrown towards the group. Horror had emerged from shrubs, his single maroon eye beating with slight bloodlust (edited)

JackieArtz — Today at 9:39 AM

Truth: they summoned the force field

Killer:he appeared right behind truth impressive you can pick up on horror from a mile away but not me who was a whole lot closer

Truth:their eyes widened as they quickly turned around

JakeFiber — Today at 9:41 AM

Cc:they lunged into the air, bashing killer away with their shield

Cross:he quickly pulled out his daggers, charging towards Horror, wall jump side to side before striking at his face

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:43 AM

Horror: He leaned away from the daggers, barely avoiding the attack. Horror ran full force into Cross, in attempt to pin him against a nearby wall Easy Crossy, just wanna chat! A hint of malicious in the words

JackieArtz — Today at 9:45 AM

Killer:he backed up oh you little shit- but it's true we just wanted to scare ya~ we need to talk

JakeFiber — Today at 9:46 AM

Cross:Gah! he struggled a little What the hell is there even to talk about?!

Cc: he took a few deep breaths

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:47 AM

Horror: He grabbed Cross by the collar of his shirt and slammed him harshly into the ground next, going to remove the daggers off his person Boss needs ya he chuckled

JackieArtz — Today at 9:48 AM

Killer: true we just need you to give us some information~

Tc:they went to go fight but truth held them still

JakeFiber — Today at 9:48 AM

Cross:he suddenly plunged his daggers into horror’s palms, shoving them in handle deep Tell your boss to go fuck himself. he free’d himself from horror’s grasp

JackieArtz — Today at 9:49 AM

Tc:they pushed truth off a bit dashing towards horror to make him back up

Truth:they took the opportunity to make a forcefield ti separate them

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:51 AM

Horror: Argh! He stepped back, holding his hurt palm, blood spilling from his bones Wished ya stayed with us, Cross. Missed havin' ya around. Just come with us, short chat with the boss, no mor' harm Horror finds his club he'd thrown, taking back onto his person

JackieArtz — Today at 9:52 AM

Killer: come on no hard feelings sure your friends here didn't know who ya work for doubt they trust ya now~

JakeFiber — Today at 9:52 AM

Cross:Tsk. Right…like I’d believe that anything involved with nightmare wouldn’t bring me harm.

Cc: Yeah. You’ll probably tie us up and kill us once our usefulness runs out. And we were…gonna tell them eventually…he looked off to the side

JackieArtz — Today at 9:54 AM

Tc:they stared for a bit

Truth:..they thought for a minute

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:54 AM

Horror: Promise, cross (pun) me gem and hope to dust He grins That we won't harm ya. Besides... boss wants you alive. Rather not cause issues here and now, unless you want it the hard way... (edited)

JackieArtz — Today at 9:55 AM

Killer: I personally don't get why but he doesn't seem like he's mad...much

[9:57 AM]

(Anyways I'm here at kings island now so If I stop responding that why)

JakeFiber — Today at 9:57 AM

Cross:…Fine…but I do this last thing for you guys and then I’ll be gone. You’ll never see me or look for me again…deal?

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:57 AM

(thats fine

JakeFiber — Today at 9:57 AM

(Aight

JackieArtz — Today at 9:57 AM

Killer: deal~ I don't think he cares for the kid he only said cross

Ggff5566 — Today at 9:57 AM

Horror: He hums

JakeFiber — Today at 9:59 AM

Cross:he took a deep breath Alright cc…go on to the capital without me…

Cc:What- No! I’m not just gonna leave you! I maybe an asshole but I’m not just gonna abandon you!

Cross:Listen…if I don’t make it back…atleast I know that you have somewhat of a future for yourself still…so just go…

Cc:he teared up a little, wiping them away God damnit…he looked over at truth and tc

JackieArtz — Today at 10:00 AM

Tc:they nodded slowly frowning under the hood seems like they didn't mind cc coming along both truth and tc obviously felt bad

Ggff5566 — Today at 10:03 AM

Horror: He waits to escort Cross back to their base

JakeFiber — Today at 10:03 AM

Cross: Alright…let’s just go already…

JackieArtz — Today at 10:06 AM

Killer: good~

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syscourse-confessions · 1 year ago

Note

I'm really starting to doubt the whole " the anti-endo community is full of harmful evil people who judge your system" bs because despite being here in the depths for 2 years, I haven't seen even remotely a whiff of it. Nothing that wasn't correcting misinformation and even with maybe one or two responses being unkind due to trauma being triggered, nothing that wasn't kind and curdious. Like Ive not seen any of it and I'm not blind to bigotry either, I'm in the depths of it as well. I don't see the supposed wide spread racism (often claimed by white endos), I don't doubt it exists but I sure as hell haven't seen it as a triracial person. Racism apologizism is something I've seen endlessly in endo circles, just recently with tulpas getting called out again.

I'm honestly getting to the point where the only time I ever hear " anti-endos are mean 😠" is usually when an endo lied to a system about their origin then revealed themselves as an endo, usually by saying something insensitive or racist. Anti-endos don't generally give enough of a fuck to think about you and when they do, it's usually cause you said more medical misinformation or excused more racism in your community or misrepresented the did/osdd communities again by claiming were the "same as truscum because we only focus on our pain". When yeah, this is a mental disorder that is painful and born of pain. Its always us having to correct you guys for the four billionth time with another resource because you guys are essentially anti-vaxxers. Even cold hard medical evidence about did/osdd just gets waved away because you had one curt doctor therefore all doctors are evil conversion therapists who just want to gaslight and harm you and then we spill into the big conspiracy theory that doctors totally know endos exist but it'd hurt the status quo if everyone was plural/sar. None of this to invalidate medical trauma of course but it's not shocking the community that can't find validation in the medical community (because it's not a medical condition) dosent like the medical community.

Suspicious how endos only came about in reaction to did. Suspicious how endos only have the "fun" part of did and not the serious life altering symptoms. Suspicious how it's just young ones who wanna rp on a whole new level or whiny old ones who are too jaded to admit they were wrong. It's almost like your just a reaction to a serious fucking medical condition related to life altering trauma and not a thing all on its own because lets be real, you use this disorder for credibility (erroneously) and you wouldn't have a term in the world or even a shred of a community if you werent building it off the backs of trauma survivors and the doctors you hate so badly.

Suspicious how there's suddenly a boost in endo circles every time some new movie painting did in a shitty light comes out, suspicious how endos circles are supposedly dying "from sysmed attacks" when were in a nice period of no new "splits" or " crowded rooms". If there really is as many endos as you guys claim, why hasn't the medical field acknowledged you? In the hundreds of years it's acknowledged did? I think we both know the damn answer.

Redo your vocabulary and stop trying to rub shoulders with, what is often, your victims. We don't want you. The did/osdd communities don't want you. You fucked up the moment you said you didn't have our struggles proudly. Revel in your idiocy by your fucking selves and stop asking for our sympathy, you don't get it without respect.

Vent/No syscourse replies plz

🔇- Vent/No Discourse, other replies allowed

#🔇 no discourse #syscourse #syscourse confessions

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boyakishan · 2 years ago

Text

Mather post or something. Read more is basically old rant.

Old new old post.

Sup. My name's Boyakishan, I'm a writer and I'd mind if you'd fuck right off if you're a nazi terf, radfem and uh. More words here.

If you think any person of any kind, without exception of anything and within reason, have the right to both exist and do things regardless of if they're actively or not actively causing harm to others or being a bother to others.

Or if you're gonna make a big fucking deal out of it and act like that's correct and not just your stance on reality. I'm not gonna argue with someone who's assured they're in a world populated with elephants or sm.

And that's the word count for the stupid cunts.

Alright, so. My name's Boyakishan, I'm a writer, weird self identifying system (I'm not making a big deal out of it or whatever, don't worry about it).

Head to @boyakishantrinity if you want more writing stuff.

@boyakishantriage for. Main stuff?

And uh, @boyakishantriobeta exists.

Dunno what I'm doing here, but be aware. I am big dumb, I explain badly and like. Probably smarter to block me because I'll probably end up pissing you off somehow or sm ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Hi. If you're here to insult me, go ahead.

If you're here to ask any questions about eh blogs @boyakishantriage or the bitchy @boyakishantrio-beta . Go right on ahead.

Rp is at the Triage account, y'know how to use your brain.

No I'm not sorry, yes I'm very blunt and please tell me if I'm rude or anything really.

Also, don't expect anything from me. Like every person on here, I can't read what your saying. So just say bluntly, what I did wrong and what you want.

I give advice and AO3 will be added because surprise surprise I'm a writer.

Oh and advice means anything. Just DM or communicate and I'll see what I can help with. Not a professional of course.

Dear god I'm not a professional.

Anywho. If you're still reading this. Hi :)

https://www.tumblr.com/boyakishan/707856863838027776/state-what-the-problemmain-point-what-u-want-me

^tldr: if ya send anything be blunt and state what it is, what post and what U want me to do about it TO THIS ACCOUNT. Or you can try talking to Triage. Since, y'know. She isn't me. Good luck m8.

Old masterpost

I'm an Chinese, Malaysian Australian with about as much loyalty as a semi experienced hooker. I have some normal clients, no one knows about the other people and the people who do know each other don't know I'm talking to them.

I'M ON AO3, SAME NAME. @boyakishannarrative for some previews.

To be clear: I am kind of an asshole and I don't care in that. I treat everyone the same, unless otherwise needed, and it's because I care too much. I'm "more mature for my age". Or, I'm at that point when you're really old and you've lived life. It's done and you just. Don't care. You're gonna die. And you're content with it. It still terrifies you and if you don't have to, you're gonna take up. Etc.

I like to DM interesting people. It's confidential and I can give advice, no guarantees tho because I have no idea what I'm doing.

Contrary to the confidence or arrogance I permeate I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm writing a novel thing. Aura and ReAura. It's on AO3 by the same name as this.

I'm a blunt narcissistic delusion insane dumbass with the equivalent qualifications as most dogs. I'm more wise than intelligent.

Tldr: I might be the greatest asshole you'll ever meet. Or I'm about as delusional as you can get and I'm very deep into the dunning Kruger effect.

I dunno, but I like to help and take chances.

Oh and if ya wanna see cute stuff as I find it, request to join the "CuteList." And I'll update ya.

I follow under philosophies such as

Fuck it

Fuck you

Well this is happening I guess

Well that happened

Life's dumb.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Etc

Note:

Desc

Later

Save

Tuti

#tag #Boyakishan #not the masterpost #masterpost

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madmaddyenby · 4 years ago

Text

/rp /dsmp

ok so- c!tommy. we are all aware he’s traumatized, and experiences ptsd from being in traumatic experiences, this is basically fact. while i’d like to talk how c!tommy experiences ptsd, i’d like to bring up a thing i haven’t seen mentioned a lot when it comes to c!tommy and his trauma- c-ptsd. also known as complex-ptsd. it occurs when someone experiences something traumatizing for a period of time.

[image description: A screenshot of text with the words “CPTSD stands for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a mental health condition in which a person might experience intense PTSD symptoms that coincide with other mental issues. CPTSD occurs in people who have been subjected to on going traumatizing experiences”. end description]

which, as we know, the exile arc fits the description of “ongoing traumatizing experiences” pretty fucking well. the exile was basically just two weeks of trauma. for a lot of reasons too, there was dream abusing tommy, tommy being isolated, tommys own depression/suicidal thoughts/bad mindset in general. this would all be considered a ongoing traumatizing experience(s).

ptsd is very similar to c-ptsd in how it develops, but ptsd occurs after one singular traumatizing event . (by the way, the event doesnt have to be life or death, it could be something like witnessing or hearing about a shocking event!!!)

symptoms of c-ptsd overlap with ptsd a good lot of the time, due to them both being trauma disorders. however, there are a few differences. here r some symptoms of c-ptsd, alot of which are ptsd symptoms that alot ofpeople with c-ptsd experience as well

reliving the traumatic experience

avoiding certain situations

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

hyperarousal (jitteriness, being on alert, etc)

somatic symptoms (physical symptoms with no underlying cause)

lack of emotional regulation

change in consciousness

negative self-perception

difficulty with relationships

distorted reception of abuser

loss of system of meanings

now, i’ll go over which of these fit our boy c!tommy, and how they fit for some of them atleast. i will only be talking about the things that are a result from c-ptsd, but also c-ptsd works where it coincides with other mental illnesses a person has so. its also important to note that within a person these symptoms might not stay the same over time, and not everyone who has c-ptsd or ptsd is going to experience it the same. (so not talking abt how pain affects him after dying in the prison, though that is a clear sign of ptsd)

reliving the traumatic experience

tommy’s done this with exile a few times, when revisiting logstedshire, when he saw the craters in logstedshire, when visiting dream in prison, when during the disc finale dream dug the hole and told him to put his armour in, etc etc, he’s even described himself as being trembly in the fingers near plain biomes, while visting logsted he mentioned how shaky it made him to be there, and when he visited logsted one time he had an immediate reaction to seeing a hole in the ground that came off as him reliving it. flashbacks come in from sensations during a traumatic event, like sight, feeling, emotion, etc, etc. it seems like with these he’s experiencing more of a reliving the emotions kind of thing.

avoiding certain situations

i was originally not gonna include this one, but thinking about it, he kind of does in a way. this symptom also includes keeping yourself preoccupied to avoid thinking about it, which is something c!tommy seems to do alot. with focusing on building the hotel, and doing tasks, or grinding for supplies instead of actually thinking about it.

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

c!tommy uh. does this a lot. a lot of it stems from how during exile tommy was isolated and made to believe no one cared for him, and even if that wasn’t true c!tommy never really got much closure on that. hes not really trusting ppl that b4 were really close to him, tubbo n ranboo for example

lack of emotional regulation

this can also be described as uncontrollable feelings. this is the one i’ve wanted to talk about the most i think- because this is really fits c!tommy. he tends to lash out alot, for example burning the flower c!ranboo gave him, there are a bunch more examples of this that include him yelling at others, that one time when he spleefed c!jack

negative self-perception

yeah. theres a few examples of this one, the one that first comes to mind is that time during the green festival where he was talking about how he was worse than everyone he didn’t wanna be (including his abuser, c!dream...) . theres now when he was building his tower by the prison when he was saying he couldn’t use the cobble because it was too him, and people didnt like the cobble. alot of this i think comes from c!dream making him feel basically worthless in exile :(

difficulty with relationships

Yeah. um. Alot for this one!!! The first to come to mind is c!tubbo. c!tommy and c!tubbos relationship is very very wonky, especially considering recent events with tommy feeling like he is being replaced with c!ranboo. (which he isnt by the way! he just feels as though, which is a valid feeling for him to have :]) . another person that comes to mind is c!ranboo. he’s even mentioned how his and ranboos relationship goes back and forth quite alot. its not very surprising to see that he has difficulty with relationships especially considering a lot of the reason that the exile affected him so badly was because he felt so alone and was so isolated from his friends. another thing that comes to mind, is when he made c!sam sign that contract promising hat he’d be his best friend and protect him. theres most likely way more that can be said here, but this is the first stuff that comes to mind.

distorted reception of abuser

um... yeah. this one. this can also be described as , “ becoming preoccupied with the relationship between you and your abuser. It can also include preoccupation with revenge or giving your abuser complete power over your life. “ which is um. yeah. c!tommy. he’s mentioned how whenever he’s around c!dream he feels like hes conditioned to be his friend (which. yea . he was .). right after he left logstedshire this was very very prominent, he was the biggest c!dream apologist around (/j), saying things like “dream didnt do anything wrong” and even explaining how he wasnt sure about things when it comes to c!dream, that his mind became flip floppy whenever he thought about him. right now, hes focused on getting back at c!dream, not fully for revenge, mainly for his friends and how he doesnt want c!dream to go around killing and reviving everyone, but the point still stands. (this all makes me extra sad because he had gone to the prison the second time in the first place to get closure :(( )

loss of system of meanings

Systems of meaning refer to your religion or beliefs about the world. This can also refer to getting a strong sense of hopelessness or despair about the world, which as of late mainly c!tommy seems to have. mainly referencing in his stream where he visited dreams bunker, he was asking what the point was of finding things that made him happy if dream was just going to get out the prison and destroy it. theres also a few things that also go with this, in one stream while he burnt down ponks lemon tree for sam nook he said "thats still decaying, but yknow, arent we all." and that one time when he gave that hotel invitation to c!techno he was like “ahahha we could die tomorrow anyway”

its also important to note that, “Any type of long-term trauma, over several months or years, can lead to CPTSD. However, it seems to appear frequently in people who’ve been abused by someone who was supposed to be their caregiver or protector. “ Which is.. fairly accurate in c!tommy’s situation. c!dream might’ve not been a caregiver or protector necessarily but he was still someone that was looking after him yknow?

there are most likely more things than what i layed out that show that c!tommy most likely also has cptsd, however this is just the stuff that i thought up :] add to the post if you’d like to!

(also this isn’t saying that c!tommy doesnt have ptsd, he had both ptsd and c-ptsd. also i am not an expert about ptsd, cptsd, or mental health in general, if i got any information wrong let me know)

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tangleweave · 3 years ago

Text

Crimson Tide (Drabble / RP)

[ @illbringthechaosmagic ]

An anonymous person has been taunting Stephen that a loved one has been taken captive...

Stephen Strange was not a patient man. He didn't like it when things came slowly, but he had learned how to deal with slow processes, as long as he could be assured of rewards down the line. Even less than slow progress did he like things that threw him off his rhythm. To be interrupted in his work was to invite his wrath, and by the Fates, could he be creative with his wrath.

That had been long before the car accident and the Sorcerer Supreme thing.

But now, the odd woman who had come to him to explain to him, in interestingly explicit terminology, that Wanda was being held prisoner... not only was she an interruption, she was an active irritant. An antagonist? No... not for him. To qualify as an antagonist, there were several things that needed to happen, not the least of which being a need to demonstrate a direct threat. So far she had shown him no evidence that she posed any harm whatsoever, and certainly not within the welcoming room for Kamar-Taj, where two other sorcerers stood at polite but firm attention in the corners.

She was seated in the wooden chair dead center of the room, legs crossed, hands folded in her lap. Her dusky skin and wavy black hair shone in the sunlight that filtered through the ceiling slats. Her accent indicated she wasn't Nepalese, though she could easily be from India or some other adjacent region. She seemed curiously calm for someone in his presence who knew the things he was capable of.

Fine. If she wanted to play mind games, he could play them too. He moved to a cabinet and withdrew a pair of long yellow leather gloves, the cuffs of which were adorned with delicate sigils of black and gold. He had his back slightly turned as he began to don them.

"What now?" he heard her taunt. "Does the great Doctor Strange mean to get blood on his hands?"

He glanced towards her with eyebrow arched as he slid the second glove on. "Obviously not," he said, "otherwise I wouldn't be gloving up."

She thrust her chin out towards him. "You don't frighten me."

"Of course I do. I'm a doctor. Being attended by one is inherently frightening. It means there's something wrong with you. And there must be something deeply wrong with you, in particular, if you thought you were just going to waltz in here, declare that you're holding a friend and ally prisoner, and then not make any demands in exchange for her release." He held up his hands, palms towards himself. "Hadn't you heard? This is Kamar-Taj, where I had my operation to restore function to my hands. These are examination gloves. We don't have the kind of funds needed for single-use non-latex, so we go for longevity instead. After we're done with a particularly... messy... procedure, we use a sodium hydroxide solution to rinse off the pairs we do have. But don't worry, it shouldn't burn your skin too badly, long as I don't touch you for more than a couple seconds."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "You are a doctor. Your job is to not harm others."

"Oh, I see." He frowned and tilted his head at her. "Remind me again, what year is it? 2024? That means my medical license lapsed, uh... six years ago. Y'know, shortly after that niggling little part where half the world vanished. And saving all the people that were left over, that was an all-hands-on-deck situation. Things got ugly, if you'll recall. Besides, what do you call it when a surgeon cuts someone open with a scalpel? Surely you would think that was causing harm... but in the pursuit of reducing greater harm, when removing a tumor." He laced his fingers together tightly, securing the gloves about his hands. "Wonder how many you've got." He began slowly stepping towards her.

"There is nothing wrong with me!" she protested, and her legs uncrossed. "I wished to ensure I had your attention before making demands."

"Don't worry, you have it," Stephen assured her. "And you were right about one thing, this doctor doesn't make house calls. So glad to be hosting you today. You're my first patient in months. The last one still hasn't healed up quite right."

"I am no patient!" she said indignantly, shifting in her chair as he continued to advance.

"Then we have something in common, since I'm exactly the opposite of patient," he returned, and he cupped his hands toward each other. A crackling cat's cradle of golden dimensional energy appeared, and when he pulled his hands more broadly apart, it stretched with them. Orange sparks snapped from the strands. Stephen frowned. "Well, what do you know, there's still a little hydroxide solution on the gloves after all." He shrugged. "That's fine, it should all burn off pretty quickly."

She got to her feet. "Your Cauldron of the Cosmos!" she blurted. "It is a relic stolen from the pyramids of Giza--"

Stephen whipped one hand out; the strands of energy wrapped about the woman and sizzled as they touched her, eliciting a shriek. He closed to within inches from her face. "It's an artifact forged by Agamotto the All-Seeing approximately eight thousand years ago. I'd say try again but I don't think your clothes have that kind of time. Where's the submarine?"

A crease formed between the woman's thick eyebrows at the absurd question, but the heat and crackling from the energy whips surrounding her were beginning to convince her of the threat he posed. "I... I don't..."

"Sure, sure, you don't know." He dismissed the whips, then noted the burn scarring on her clothing. "Mmm. That'll be hard to get out. I might know a tailor or two." He gestured at the chair. "Take a seat or that pantsuit's going to look like it went through a king-size waffle iron. And I don't even want to think about what it'll do to your hair."

She glowered at him but did as directed. "What do you mean 'submarine'?" she asked.

"Well, if you don't know where it is, there's not a whole lot of reason for me to explain it to you, is there?" he responded. "Sure makes you look like a schlub, though. Obviously you're not in charge, you're just following directions from whoever it is giving them to you. Whoever they are, they need to up your clothing allowance, and update their K&R policies. It's in my favor, though, they couldn't send an actual professional to negotiate for the Cauldron. I could have given the all-American line... 'I don't negotiate with terrorists.' Definitely what a Sorcerer Supreme dreams of saying to someone." He waved a dismissive hand. "That's fine, though. I've got another movie line I can hand you. 'I've got ways of making you talk.' Impressed?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "I am no amateur. I have been immunized to truth serums and measures intended to force me to speak truth against my will. Even you cannot coerce me."

He scoffed and gave her a mirthless smile. "Truth? Who said anything about that? I want you to lie your ass off."

She frowned. "What...?"

He brought both hands up, fingers twiddling unsteadily in odd snaking motions, and gleaming neon-blue energy appeared in the air between them. His hands didn't meet -- one wrist hovered above the fingers of the other -- but the energy they conjured twisted unevenly in a warbling circle that settled about the chair. The thick strands of plasma braided around one another, and once the circle was fully enclosed, the space within was consumed with fierce blue light.

"A sorcerer of Kamar-Taj would refer to this as a Ring of Raggadorr. But a Dungeons & Dragons player would call it a Zone of Truth... with a Strange twist to it. While you're within it, you can't refrain from answering my questions, but instead of wasting my time trying to figure out whether you can actually resist a Zone of Truth, I've sealed you within a Zone of Lies. You're completely incapable of uttering the truth. And when I ask you questions, whatever the truthful answer is, you'll be giving me precisely the opposite one, or as close to the opposite as you're able." He flourished with one hand. "So, test question, do you know my name?"

"...no." The woman looked flummoxed at the answer coming from her own mouth.

Stephen smirked. "All right then, progress. Now, you're in charge of this operation, aren't you?"

"...yes."

"Where on the ladder are you?"

"The top."

Stephen chuckled. "Oh, honey. They really don't pay you enough for this gig, do they?"

"I am paid extremely generously."

"Yeah, that much is obvious."

She stood up from her chair and tried to take a step forward. The blue light surrounding her crackled much in the manner of a Star Trek forcefield, and she jumped back as if having been shocked. She cast a look at Stephen. "I wish to remain in this space eternally!"

Now Stephen had to raise a gloved hand to hide his widening smirk. "I'm considering it," he quipped. "This is a lot more fun than I imagined."

"I am also enjoying it immensely!" she shouted.

He poked a finger at her. "Try saying it with a sarcastic bend to it, if you can, I wanna see how deep this spell goes. Does it affect just your words? You're yelling so I can tell you're agitated, at least."

"I am not agitated! I am free to walk out of this enclosure at any time and I do not fear your powers!" She crossed her arms under her chest and glowered at the floor.

"Well, if this isn't a reflection of parenthood, I don't know what is," Stephen remarked. "But while this is entertaining, I have some actual work to do. So let's talk submarines. Your bosses work out of one, don't they?"

"...no."

"I see. And if I looked all over the world for it, there's only one place I would never find it. Where is that place?"

"...the Laurentian Abyss."

He arched an eyebrow at her. "Are you telling me that I can find the submarine in the Laurentian Abyss?"

"No, that is not what I am telling you."

Stephen had to try very hard not to crack a smile. "How very Red October of you. I think the Cauldron of the Cosmos can probably help me along from here... though I'm curious why you would even want it at all. Is there anybody among your employers and co-workers in this little venture that could even use it?"

"To the best of my knowledge, everyone there could. The Cauldron is of no particular fascination or consequence to my employers. They are not at all fascinated by its purported abilities. They would prefer to have Wanda, as a person is far more stable a commodity than an inanimate object. Should you refuse to surrender the Cauldron, my employers are not prepared to brainwash her for their purposes."

He scoffed. "Thought so. You know, you actually make it a lot more convincing now that you can't even say it properly. Should've tried it like this before, you'd have gotten my attention even sooner. Tell you what, you can hang out here while I get this problem sorted out." He turned toward the east hall, which would eventually lead him to the portal door that connected to the New York Sanctum.

"Wait!"

He turned back to her with his eyebrow up again. "Yes, what?"

"I do not wish to know how you knew of the submarine."

This time both eyebrows went up and he rubbed his temple. "Vishanti help me, I'm actually starting to get used to this," he muttered. Then he looked at her more directly. "It's not what you lied about, it's what you told me truthfully. You said straitjacket and shock collar. That's how Wanda was kept secured when she was a prisoner aboard the Raft. The only people who would know that was a successful method are people who saw it in action. But the Raft is stationary. Eventually someone would come knocking. The only way to keep a prisoner like her off the radar is to keep her moving. And aboard an underwater craft, even if she breaks loose, where would she go? Especially as far down as the Laurentian Abyss. So... submarine made the most sense."

The crease in her brow only deepened further. "I understand completely how you were able to make such deductions."

"Yeah, sometimes I even amaze myself." He glanced to the other two sorcerers in the room, then gestured at the woman. "Make her comfortable while she's waiting. But you're welcome to have a little fun with that spell while it's still active."

Without another word, he stalked his way up the hall and found the entrance to the New York Sanctum. A variety of obstacles to the matter at hand pervaded his thought process. If the submarine was indeed in the Laurentian Abyss, it meant that it was so deep, opening a direct portal to its interior would be a death sentence to anyone aboard; the bends would see to that. It needed to be forced to surface, and its own crew made to decompress the interior. He chewed his lower lip in thought. How would he get them to do that?

He was five steps away from the Cauldron when he stopped in place and rolled his eyes. Duh. He'd seen the damn movie. Simulate a radiation leak. It's not as if he was a Master of the Mystic Arts and claimed control over a vast breadth of energies.

"Thank you, Tom Clancy," he murmured as he approached the artifact.

#illbringthechaosmagic #muse: strange

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dolcetters · 4 years ago

Note

Do you have anything in rp you haven't gotten to write but really would like to? Or something you have but would like to write again? A trope or a scene or something like that?

good LORD, is there ever???

there’s so much i want to write and explore with rose, but crystal’s been handling IRL stuff and that always comes first and foremost ( so if you SEE THIS, crystal, you better not feel pressured to come back here before you’re ready or i will PERSONALLY grab your wrists with these hands and guide you back to resting ). i wanna write them... learning about each other. processing things. i wanna write them growing closer. growing trust, growing friendship, a slow and simmering sense of pining. dol wanting so badly to touch her--to just maybe hold her hand in the market--but he’s still struggling with the extreme anxiety physical contact causes him. there’s. LITERALLY so much i crave to do with rosecetto be it hurt/comfort or just unbridled fluff.

i’m just fluff-starved as a whole, tbh, a bitch wants to write a more tender dol.

uuuuuuh

i’d also love to explore more greed and dol pre-promised day stuff. or even post-promised day--like--when greed reunites with dol after everything and dol slowly comes out of his like... dissociative, almost trance-like ... state that he kind of falls into after seeing greed die (again).

also some post-promised day threads with sakura, since she’d probably be there when they find dol after everything and... just... ~PROCESSING~. building those familial ties again. recovering from everything, adjusting to life after the fact.

(((maybe the two of them figuring out the rose crush like sakura already kind of has but that’s me being greedy which is funny because haha greed))

i also just want to explore his platonic/familial relationships--my dumb idiot needs friends and people he can feel safe around and rely on and just... let himself fucking BREATHE, goddamnit. kaye being active on the dash again is a GIFT, writing with keira and winry is stellar, this botw verse with CC is something i’m wicked excited for and i think about it a lot because i’m still working out dol’s ““situation”“, and dol’s relationship with isabel and potentially meeting carmen, and i’mmmmmmm

there’s a LOT i want to do, my guy, writing is such an escape for me and i’m always down to clown on exploring character relationships whether or not they make total sense in “““canon”“” because canon is just something we slow roast at 455 degrees and carve for the juicy bits.

#♦: ooc answer .#[ anyway thank you so much for sending this ask last night i owe you my life >xDD ]#[ seriously thank you you are a GEM <3 ]#bonesnmetalrp

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kpoprp-multi · 4 years ago

Text

the plot/au list

The following list of Genres shows you what kind of things I rp usually:

✔️= What I can do with you as an rp

❌= What I’m uncomfortable to rp as

➖= I would like to test it out on rare occasions

Credit: @thisisnoteuropeanstyle and the other writing prompt people I’ve copied and pasted from… thanks for that and the fact that it’s made publicly available for everyone to see, you’re the best!

(1)Al Invasion AU [❌]

(2)Al Human AU [ ➖ ]

(3)Alp/Beta/Omega AU [✔️]

(4)Andro AU [➖]

(5)Angel/Demon AU [✔️]

(6)Arranged Marriage AU [ ➖ ]

(7)Baby AU [ ❌ ]

(8)Bakery AU [✔️]

(9)Badboy(girl) meets Social awkward girl(boy) with a roasting problem AU[❌]

(10)Bookstore AU [✔️]

(11)Business AU [✔️]

(12)Coffee Shop AU [✔️]

(13)Crime AU [✔️]

(14)Darkside AU [✔️]

(15)Desert island AU [ ➖ ]

(16)Dystopian AU [✔️]

(17)Fairy Tail AU[✔️]

(18)Fantasy AU [✔️]

(19)Flower Shop AU [✔️]

(20)Genderswap AU [✔️]

(21)Hanahaki Disease AU [➖]

(22)Harem AU – Or Reverse Harem AU [❌]

(23)Haunted House AU [✔️]

(24)High School/College AU [hs ❌ /cl ✔️]

(25)Hogwarts AU [✔️]

(26)Hospital AU [➖]

(27)Hooker AU [➖]

(28)Hunger Games AU [ ➖ ]

(29) Hybrid AU[✔️]

(30)Ice Cream Shop AU [✔️]

(31)Law Enforcement/Military AU [❌]

(32)Mafia AU [✔️]

(33)Magic AU [✔️]

(34)Marriage Law AU [✔️]

(35)Master/Slave AU (Only if you’re over 18+) [➖]

(36)Merpeople AU/ Undersea AU[ ➖ ]

(37)Percy Jackson AU[✔️]

(38)The Red String/Soulmate AU [✔️]

(39)Anime AU [ ➖ ]

(40)Walking with my significant other and you but accidentally grabbed the wrong hand AU [✔️]

(41)Platonic living together AU[✔️]

(42)I hit you with my car and was the only one to visit you in the hospital AU[✔️]

(43)We met each other on a Sunday morning, both doing our walk of shame AU[✔️]

(44)My new dealer has friended me on Facebook and I’m unsure of how to react to that AU[✔️]

(45)A hopeless romantic and a horny beast are set up on a blind date AU[✔️]

(46)Painter/Writer au[✔️]

(47)Fake Dating AU[✔️]

(48)We hate each other but we both have a mutual friend so we have to put up with each other AU[✔️]

(49)Don’t tell anyone you saw me crying AU[✔️]

(50)You’ve been sleeping at mine because your house is being renovated and we aren’t even dating, yet every time you wake up to the baby crying and sigh, “I’ll go” I feel like we might as well be married for real AU[ ➖ ]

(51)We are the only two parents who agreed to attend the school trip (bonus: “So I guess we share this hotel room?”)[ ➖ ]

(52)Single parents AU[❌]

(53)We’re at a concert and I can’t see a thing let me sit on your shoulders, maybe? AU[❌]

(54)You’re afraid that you’ll lose me in big crowds so you always hold my hand but now you just hold my hand when there’s only, like, five people around and I’m getting very suspicious AU[✔️]

(55)So I know we haven’t talked in like, two years, and that things ended pretty badly between us but WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN you’re engaged to be married AU[✔️]

(56)Look, I know we agreed to be friends and everything but that’s what everyone says when they break up. I can’t take you asking me for advice on how to ask out the new person you’re interested in, okay? it’s killing me AU[✔️]

(57)It´s my [insert family relation here]´s wedding and seeing all these happy couples is killing me and all I can think about is how this was almost us AU[ ➖ ]

(58)My current partner is a huge asshole and I need a reason to break up with them so will you pretend to be my possessive and violent ex AU[ ➖ ]

(59)One Night Stand before the first of your new job and oops that was your new boss you were sleeping with AU[ ➖ ]

(60)Pen pals who vent at each other every week AU[❌]

(61)Oops friend looks like the only place to sleep in this house is this small, twin-sized bed, guess we’ll have to share AU[✔️]

(62)We sat next to each other during a really sad film and now we’re sharing tissues silently whilst we cry at the cinema AU[❌]

(63)We take a dance class together and our next routine calls for partnerwork, and we got put togeth-STop standing on my foot! AU[✔️]

(64)We’re literally the only two kids who ride this school bus maybe we should carpool or make out or something AU[✔️]

(65)Date auction for charity AU[❌]

(66)Strangers who end up on the kiss cam at a sporting event AU[❌]

(67)Bored single parents at a [Insert band] concert” AU[❌]

(68)Parents signed them up for the same shitty art program AU[❌]

(69)Look I’m glad you have a healthy sex life and all but will you please try not to pierce a whole through my ceiling with your bed, thanks. AU[✔️]

(70)My cat and your dog are totally in love, and I think it’s so cute until I realise that it’s your pet, because we kind of hate each other AU[✔️]

(71)Your mail keeps coming to my address which is really weird since they’re nothing alike, but it turns out our mutual friend who wants to set us up keeps switching the mail on purpose AU[✔️]

(72)I’m a waiter/waitress and you always sit in my section. I really like you and i thought you liked me back until you walked in here with a date, WHOOPS would you look at that I keep spilling stuff on them AU[✔️]

(73)That one asshole costumer that always comes in 5 minutes before the store is about to close AU[ ❌ ]

(74)We’re sitting next to each other on this plane and and I was eating gummies, but I left all the yellow and orange ones cause they’re absolute shit and now you’re asking if you can have them AU[✔️]

(75)My significant other just broke up with me and I impulse bought like 5 pizzas and a 3 floor cake. Can you help me eat them and make me feel less like shit? AU[✔️]

(76)We both got dragged to this concert for this shitty band by our significant others and we met in the crowd and spend the entire gig talking about better music and making fun of the shitty band AU[✔️]

(77)We’re both at this restaurant to meet blind dates, but we meet each other thinking that the other person is the blind date we were supposed to be meeting AU[✔️]

(78)You’re famous and I was hired by your management to date you for public appearances, but now I’m kinda into you cause you’re actually a really cool person, but you don’t give a shit about me AU[ ✔️ ]

(79)You’ve locked yourself outside of your apartment and there’s a storm rolling in and I pity you so I’ll let you into mine AU[✔️]

(80)Your grandma is really forward even though I swear we’re just friends AU[❌]

(81)I got the fake number from your friend and started texting you, thinking it was them but you’re too sweet to me that you continue on with this lie just to make me happy[✔️]

Note: You can use up to 4 AUs in our private chat, nothing more and as long as they fit in well together.

AU= Alternative Universe

This is for you guys who sometimes don’t know what you wanna do for a rp! 💖

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sidercal · 4 years ago

Text

Instructions: Always repost with the rules, answer the 11 random questions left for you and leave 11 more for the people you tag!

TAGGED BY: @conorbyrne ( ilu )

TAGGING: whomstever. don’t wanna swamp y’alls notifs again, but do tag me in it so i can see ur answers

QUESTIONS TO ANSWER

1. make a mini-playlist for the day & post links please?!

don’t really jive to music nowadays, because i’m stuck in podcast land. but here’s a really small, hilarious podcast. check it out!

2. what is the book you are currently reading or the last one you finished? how’d you like it?

... well. currently isn’t the right word, because i stopped.. like 1/3 from the ending and forgot to continue it ( like a clown, i know ). but it’s song of achilles and i really enjoyed it. gonna get on circe next once i’m... eventually done with it.

3. how are we feeling about 2021 so far?

it’s somethin’, ain’t it? not as brutal for me, personally, but there’s still a ton of time for that to change.

4. name one piece of media that has gone through a recent critical re-evaluation that you really loved to see.

i cannot think of a single thing for the life of me. so i’ll just.. say what i rewatch / read / listened to recently?? on my third rerun of schitt’s creek ‘cause that’s my emotional support show. relistening to the magnus archives bc i’m clearly a glutton for pain when it comes to 230273205 seasons of dense material.

5. please describe your character ( for multi, pick one ), badly!

a fucking rat bastard, and can be an actual rat, that will absolutely gnaw on your ankle if close enough while simultaneously stealing your wallet.

6. what is your favorite scent in the world? describe it!

wow what a toughie. i’d have to go with fresh laundry but mainly in the form of blankets and pillow. fresh from the dryer and you just swaddle yourself and i just get immense peace from it.

7. how involved in politics are you?

not that involved if i’m being real honest. i don’t go searching for the latest news ( even though i should, i know ), and happen to hear tidbits from friends that are more involved.

8. how deep into astrology are you? what’s your sign, babey?!

not that deep but i think it’s fun! i’m a taurus and... a cancer in something??????????

9. i want 1 (one) unpopular opinion about food!

tapioca pudding is horrid. i dont care if grits and oatmeal are of the sameish texture ( altho i loathe grits ). i dont want to be gummin’ that shit unless i don’t have any teeth left.

10. what is a current fad in the rpc community that you dislike?

god i’ve honestly like given up caring for just about everything in the rpc at this point. idk if it’s considered a fad, but i’m real tired of the members vs. admins debate that’s been circulating. it’s a push and pull y’all. both sides gotta put in some work for a rpg to take off and stay active. indie wise ig folks that only base their decision to interact based off of fcs alone. it’s weird. stop it.

11. anyways, what’s the hot gossip? i love some drama. online or offline.

i haven’t come by anything hinky on here recently thank goodness. used to get plagued with that kinda stuff, but it’s all old news ( altho i do have some inch resting rp horror stories if any mutuals want to know just dm me ).

the only hot gos i have is about work. apparently one of my coworkers had driven himself up the wall, because he didn’t like the election turnout. huge conspiracy theorist in regards to covid and all of that. and he hadn’t been in work because he was admitted into a mental hospital so uh.. there’s that.

MY QUESTIONS FOR YOU

1. favorite type of clothing ( regardless of if you wear it or not )?

2. what’s a favorite thing you did pre-covid?

3. what’s a recent accomplishment that brought you some amount of joy ( doesn’t have to be a huge thing btw )?

4. what’s a show / movie / book / etc. that you’ve repeated several times? and if you haven’t ( no shame in that ), what’s something that you could see the potential in repeating?

5. describe your muse ( one muse if you’re a mumu ) with a meme or tiktok.

6. anything you’re excited for this year?

7. have.. you been hydrating? please do if you haven’t :(

8. favorite quote?

9. if you had to choose to be a creature of any element, what would you choose?

10. what space do you feel the most comfortable in?

11. i’m always going to ask this at least once... how’ve you been, bud?

#* & ooc .

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

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Survey #309

“show me how to lie - you’re getting better all the time / and turning all against one is an art that’s hard to teach.”

Have you ever played Jackbox Games? If so, which ones of their party games are your favorites? No, but I looooove watching Mark and The Boys play them on charity streams. They can make up the funniest shit. I can't recall the name of the specific one I'm thinking of... but I enjoy watching most of them. I do think one or two are boring, though. Do you have artistic friends? If so, have you got their artwork displayed? I have some very talented friends, but I don't have anything of theirs displayed somewhere. Have you ever considered pole dancing? Why/why not? No. It takes an incredible amount of strength, plus confidence I don't have. That and I'm just not into it. What's the last thing you fixed yourself? Uhhhhhhh bitch I couldn't tell ya. Are there any CDs you've held onto for sentimental reasons? No. Did you read the Barbie magazines with comics made with the actual dolls? "I didn’t know that was a real thing." <<<< Me either. What's the last thing you knitted? I've never knitted before. Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') She was the first person who joined my RP mob back in the Animal Planet forum days. Why do you take surveys? Be honest. Boredom, distraction, and sometimes I just wanna ramble about whatever. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? Our mailbox is by the side of the road at the end of our driveway. Your doorbell rings out of the blue. What's your reaction? Let Mom answer it. I don't answer the door ever if I don't expect someone or can peek outside and don't recognize them. Are all the lamps in your home LED or other energy saving lights? I don't know. Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing. I can't write very long at all before my carpal tunnel flares up. Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life...If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now? I'd be dead, that simple. Have you ever taken a course on CPR? No. What makes you laugh most effortlessly? You can guess it pretty easily. What makes you cry most effortlessly? I make it a rule that I "can't" listen to "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White because there hasn't been even ONE occasion where it hasn't made me cry, even when I was stupid enough to binge it because it's just a good song. I've broken that "rule" before because I do just genuinely enjoy the song, but I know the pain truly isn't worth it, so I haven't heard it in a decently long time. What is the best smell in the whole world? Cinnamon rolls, probably. My body wash is currently that kind of smell, and Jesus Christ it's the best part of showering. Do you wear a watch? No. Can you tell time from an analog clock? Yes. What a time it'll be when kids can't anymore... Is there a number or a combination of numbers that feels important to you? Only dates, but not numbers themselves. What is the most socially awkward thing you've done? *gestures at my life as a whole* Is your computer decorated in any way? No. If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it? No. No. I don't want to relive my high school experience; it would be too painful for me to willingly walk into. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I would say "the breakup," but technically it was letting him basically own me and my every neuron of joy. Not by his will of course, but my own. I was stupid and just... handed those rights over without really realizing it. I can harp forever and ever and EVER about the importance of making sure you own yourself and your emotions. Do you ever donate money to charity? If so, which charity and why? Blah blah blah, I don't get an income, you know this. Whenever I do, I 100% plan on donating to every charity stream Mark ever hosts again, as well as some other people's. I'd love to donate to a lot of places. Would you ever want to get married? If so, why? Yes, because society has made it too instilled in me that it's just like... this ultimate validation of "forever" with your partner, even though I know you can be just as or even far more invested in your relationship without marriage. The only *true* benefit of marriage imo is for legal and financial reasons, but yeah, I still want it. Like I said, it's too deeply embedded in that brain of mine that it's a relationship goal. Why do you live the way you do? I'm not even living the way I want to, so... Have you ever abused an animal? No, and I say "fuck you" with every ounce of sincerity and loathing if you have. Do you think animals are less important than humans? If so, why? Nope. We share this earth and grew from the same roots, so what *really* makes us better? We might be smarter (generally) and more developed as the apex predator, but that does not equate to being more important than, say, even a gnat. That creature has the exact same level of rights to be here as the human species does. I could go on and on and on about this topic. How close was the last person close to you who has died? Not extremely, but she was still important to and loved by me. Grandma and I were very, very different and butted heads more than once, but her love was unconditional, and she showed boundless kindness to others. She showed a courage I see as unmatched in the face of death. I truly, deeply, in the very core of my heart hope she is at peace and experiencing all joys she ever wished for. How does death in general make you feel? Well, it depends on how I'm looking at it. I fully accept it is an inevitable phase in simply existing that none of us will ever evade, so it's not exactly terrifying to me, though of course I don't want it anytime soon. If I'm thinking about people I love dying, I definitely get sad about it and scared of that possibly eternal separation. Is there a person you absolutely loathe? If so, why do you loathe them? Not that I know personally, no. Has anyone ever told you that you're rude? If so, what caused it? No; I think I'm very mannerly, honestly. Have you ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen therapists since I started middle school. I advocate for everyone to have one, honestly, whether you have a mental illness or not. Have you ever been homeless? In technical terms, yes, but a friend let me stay with her until Mom and I settled into a new place. Have you ever been completely broke? That's the actual story of my life. Well, not me personally considering I've never had to take care of myself financially, but my mom struggles very, very badly with this, and mind you, she's frugal. Just disgustingly underpaid when she worked, and her current status with disability isn't exactly incredibly generous. I live under her roof, so. Have you ever had a steady job? No. Have you ever needed a loan? If so, what for? Have you paid it back? Yes, for school, and no. I do NOT want to know how in debt I am with schools. Have you ever wanted to go to space? Not seriously, no. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen or heard? I am 99.99% sure mine and Jason's old roommates were having some ~kinky~ sex once while I was alone on the couch against their bedroom. Preeeetty sure the girl was making meowing sounds. They were furries (who I want to emphasize have zero judgment from me; I actually think they're very brave and creative), so that was... something I definitely wasn't used to hearing, haha. What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Probably when Mark N O T I C E D me on Tumblr by reblogging a gif I made of him and his pupper, and I LITERALLY struggled to sleep for three days lmfaoooo. How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhhh a pretty decent amount, I'd say. Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? Crows, sparrows, cardinals and bluejays if you're lucky, robins... pretty basic stuff like that. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Octopi are absolutely fascinating with their intelligence. How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Take a nap. That usually works. Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Yeah, I love that shit and really wish I could do it more. Bring my camera, too. Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some animes. Do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? Do those types of clocks annoy you? No. I actually quite like them, though. Has anyone ever let you borrow some of their music, promising you'd love it, but you really didn't? Did you lie to the person and agree, or tell the truth, that you hated it? My dad lent me his Shinedown CD once clearly without thinking I could just look up the album online, haha... He's an old clueless man, leave 'im be. But anyway, of course I listened to it for him and I enjoyed it; I especially loved "The Human Radio," "Kill Your Conscience" and "Pyro." Have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? Have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor? Mine has changed a few times, but I haven't had "a bunch." As for the second question, not to my recollection. Is the background on your phone a default picture, or a picture you took? What is the picture of? The lock screen is a pastel-styled list of mental health reminders: "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough." My home screen has been some adorable meerkat pups for a while, which I didn't take. What is your favorite type of print (ex: zebra, stripes, argyle)? Do you have a lot of things with this print on it? Ummmm maybe plaid? No. Are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into Hot Topic)? Are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to? The only situation I could think of would be a sex shop. That'd be so fuckin uncomfortable. What is your favorite brand of clothing? Is this a brand that is sort of expensive, or is it pretty affordable? I'm heavily biased towards Cloak, haha. I just support anything and everything Mark takes part it, and it's his and jacksepticeye's business. I have one shirt and it's genuinely great quality and reall comfy. I wouldn't call its products expensive, but they're not cheap, either. What person do you text the most? My mom or Sara, depending on the day. Do you have any pictures that always make you laugh, or cry? Are they digital pictures, or printed pictures? What is the significance? No. Not pictures I have anymore, at least. Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Omg I would never. I hate the flavor of any sort of pumpkin food. Does your car have a name? I don't have my own car, but Mom jokingly calls hers "Olivia." Who was the last person you made plans with? One of my sister's in-laws that's actually the mother of one of my closest friends contacted me to plan some family pictures. What is the rudest thing someone has done recently towards you? I can't think of anything recent. How do you feel about your hair right now? It needs to be trimmed and dyed. How fast have you driven a car? I think accidentally leaning towards 80 on a highway. When you're hanging out with friends + you become bored, do you just leave or endure the boredom? Given I can't leave without a car, I deal with it. What did you last plug into your computer? What were you doing with this? The charger for obvious reasons. What color(s) have you dyed your hair? Red, purple, black, then red, purple, and lighter brown highlights. I really wish I could dye it more and actually have the color stick... Was your first kiss perfect? It was to me. What song did you hear last? I have "Over The Mountain" by Ozzy on now. (: Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you ever walked into the guys' bathroom? HA, once during a teacher work day (my mom was an assistant) at my elementary school. My sisters and friends went in there to be little "rebels." I remember being mega confused with urinals, haha. Then as a teen and adult, I've been in the dance studio's boy's restroom as well as a church's to help Mom clean. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My therapist. Are you shy? I am VERY shy. Are you talkative? Generally, no, but when I'm in a very good mood, I tend to be. Has your most recent ex ever seen you cry? Oh jeez, she saw me wail once. When was the last time you were called "cute"? I'm not sure. Would you rather be called "hot", "cute" or "beautiful"? "Beautiful." Do you have a little sister? Yep. Definitely not "little" anymore, though. About to have her Master's in social work... How many arguments have you had with the last person you kissed? Given our childhood, we've fought a lot, but mostly just as kids over very, very stupid things. As adults, we've had a serious argument once or twice and then just some very minor disagreements sprinkled in there. Do you know anyone who's been arrested? Oh yes. What're you planning on doing after this? Another survey. What time did you go to sleep last night? Damn, it wasn't even 8:00. I was EXHAUSTED and actually slept decently for once in my life. Do you like waking up to good morning texts in the morning? I mean, I'd think most people would. It's a sweet, easy way of someone showing they care and think about you. Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person? Yeah. What was the last thing that made you happy? We had syrup to add to my breakfast, haha. I don't know if these are a thing everywhere, but I looove what we just call "pancakes on a stick," which is like a corndog, but with sausage and pancake batter. Dipping it in syrup is amaaaaaaziiiiiiing. Do you like the smell of rain? I don't love it, but it's refreshing sometimes. It's mostly just associated with a bittersweet memory, so it can be triggering to smell. I know, that sounds immensely stupid. What was the last thing you took a picture of? A very, very relatable meme to show Sara, haha. She doesn't have a Facebook, so that'll do. When you go to McDonald's, what drink do you usually get? I always get a Coke. What’s the nickname of your home state? Tar Heel State, from discovering tar in the since aptly-named Tar River. Have you ever thought about your wedding? I mean duh. What’s the worse type of weather in your opinion? Hot and humid, ugh. Especially right after a summer afternoon thunderstorm. It's unbearable. You can't fucking breathe outside, and you set one foot out of the door and it's soaked. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? The time Misty visited last month and we were taking family pictures. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? I wouldn't pay for either or even willingly go to one or the other, but if I had to go for whatever reason, Carrie. She has a beautiful voice as well as a good handful of songs I actually like. I'm not a Taylor fan; there are only like, two old songs by her I enjoy. When someone screws you over, do you get back with revenge? No. I may not be the best at adulting, but damn, I'm not that bad. Name something negative that you hate about yourself? I overthink like a motherfucker. About everything. Is there a dead end road near where you live? I live on one. Huh, that's actually been the case three times... wow. Four if you count the apartment. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot (celebrities)? I don't care. I don't even pay attention to the news, other than Covid updates. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? No. Name something positive you love about yourself: I care a lot about people. Can you smell anything right now? No, besides however my house naturally smells that I'm numb to. Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No. How does alcohol affect you? I flush in my face very obviously, and I become more outgoing and talkative. Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it? I've never tried it, but I very much doubt I'd enjoy it. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. What colour is your toothpaste? Blue and white. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Have you ever inhaled helium? Once, I believe. Are you a fan of Adam Sandler? Yeah, I think he's pretty funny and a talented actor. What was the last fruit you ate? An apple. A candied apple for Valentine's Day, but still an apple, haha. Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation? With Sara's family, yeah. It was fine. Have you watched a movie this week? I haven't watched a movie in many months. Have you set an alarm today? Yeah, just to ensure I was up for group therapy today. Have you asked someone for advice today? No. What was the last website you were on, other than this one? YouTube. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but it'd be cool. Well, thinking about the humidity... Have you watched more than an hour of TV today? No; I haven't watched television in a long time. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No. The last time you got dressed up, where did you go? I got my makeup done and put on a dress for a Halloween "witch" shoot with my friend and some other people. The pictures pretty much don't exist because they're blurry as shit and way too dark because we left too late. I don't know why we even left the house to do it by the time everyone figured their shit out. I was really disappointed because I thought Summer made me look really, really pretty. ;_; Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? Yes, but I don't know if he really meant it. He might have just wanted me off his back, but I kinda feel now that he meant it, at least regarding how it happened. Are you proud of who you are? Only in the sense that I think I have a good heart. Otherwise, no. I've accomplished so little. Have you ever been to Costco? We don't have those here, so no. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, thank Christ. Only in middle school. How many video games do you own? A whole lot. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. How many sets of keys do you have for your house? One. Do you give spare keys to your place to your friends and family? Our landlord/family friend has one. Then obviously my sisters do, too. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? Oh hell no. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? Yes, two for each of my photography "styles." I don't post a lot myself, but I react to stuff. When was the last time you high-fived someone? I believe the last time I was at my sister's and my nephew caught a Pokemon on his first throw in Pokemon GO. He and his sister LOVE that game; that's the first thing they ask to do when I come over, haha. Their dad doesn't like it because it's "evil" (which he finds most things, really...), and it's something I could roll my eyes into the back of my head about, but I still have to respect his parenting and ask if they can play it first. He let's 'em, just not long. He also took away the Pikachu plushy I gave Aubree because it's her favorite one. :^) Guess who doesn't fuckin like him lmao. Do you like writing? How often do you write? I love writing! I don't do it very much nowadays except through surveys, though. RP is kinda on pause, so surveys is really how I just get stuff out, even if it isn't creative. Are there any posters or artworks hanging in your living room? Artwork and family photos, yes. What's your favourite place to get pizza? I'm a basic bitch that loves her some Domino's. How many times have you been to the beach? Quite a few times. We live only like two hours away, and considering Myrtle Beach is a common dance competition location, we've been a couple handfuls of instances. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. No. After we moved out of my childhood house though that we actually owned, the fucking idiots who were moving in completely roasted it to pitch by setting boxes on the goddamn stove and accidentally turning it on. The house had to be entirely rebuilt. My parents were livid considering it was THEIR house. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No. What was the best school project you remember doing? I actually really enjoyed the huge essay I did on toxic masculinity the last time I tried college. I've always been very firm about letting men be humans and not emotionless robots, but I learned a lot more while researching and writing. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus is #1. I've beaten it at least 30 times, maybe even 40+; it's been too long since I've seen the save files. It's a relatively short game (you can beat it in less than like, four hours if you know what you're doing) and just very relaxing yet simultaneously absolutely epic to me. God, I want a PS4 to play the remaster, like beyond words. It looks incredible, and I want to try to get white Agro. Have you ever petted a cow, a sheep, or a pig? A pig, yes. I love pigs.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''you're gonna go far kid'' by the offspring

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ghost-of-box-five · 4 years ago

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Thanks for the tag @1taliart-stargayce

1. What do you prefer to be called name-wise?

Ale, just what everyone calls me in real life tbh

2. When is your birthday?

November 22nd, so like last week...ish kind of?

3. Where do you live?

I happen to live in the land of ‘damn I wish my heater worked properly now that it’s getting cold’, also known as Spain

4. Three things you are doing right now?

So I’m preparing to go out and by a new sketchbook cause I’m running out of pages on my practice one, I’m also doing this and also thinking about the stickers I’ll print to add to the cover.

5. Four fandoms that you have piqued your interest?

This is gonna be fun cause they have so little in common

-Transformers: From a young age I’ve loved them robots in disguise, I still love them but I’m not active in the fandom and it’s been a while since last time I drew my ocs or any fanart for that matter, but! I do read the comics and rewatch my fave shows from time to time.

-Wakfu: but in a very weird way as in I started playing the game after rewatching the show and then got too invested in the characters I created there and made a whole story on them, and like recently they’ve announced season four and suddenly I’m having the urge to draw my characters again.

-Phantom of the Opera: From a young age, just like Transformers, young me watched the 2004 film cried a lot and I’ve been a fan of PotO ever since, I was so excited when they streamed the 25th anniversary recording that I got really into it again...

-But then CATS happened! as in I liked Cats before but never got into the fandom or too into it, then the movie came, watched the 1998 version too and here we are now!

6. How has the pandemic been treating you?

Thanfully not too badly!

7. A song you can’t stop listening to right now?

So, cannot name any specific song cause my brain does this thing where it will only allow me to listen to one soundtrack on loop over and over again rahter than one single song. so currently? Hairspray and Cats, the Japanese cast recording of it

8. Recommend a movie

Oh boy, I haven’t watched one in a while actually, so I don’t have any recommendations for you

9. How old are you?

Turned 21 last week...ish

10. School, university, occupation, other?

University, and it’s a ✨struggle✨

11. Do you prefer heat or cold?

Cold, I cannot deal with the heat at all. Cannot sleep at all during the summers, cannot go out without the sun burning me to a crisp, and always am stuck babysitting younger relatives at the pool so not that fun either.

12. Name one fact that others may not know about you?

So I’m extremely shy when meeting others and so appear to be very quiet, but I actually was born with very loud speakers attached to me, but they only work properly when I know you (@/my irl friends and probably online ones i send voice messages to too I’m so sorry about being so loud )

13. Are you shy?

Extremely so, it’s yet another struggle

14. Preferred pronouns?

I go by she/her

15. Biggest pet peeves?

When people touch my things without permission, even more so when they’ve been explicitly told not to do so. It really does get on my nerves.

16. What’s your favourite “-dere” type?

I don’t have a favourite really. Or like I haven’t thought abour this question until this very moment so I don’t have an answer yet

17. Rate your life from 1 to 10?

A solid 6

18. What’s your main blog?

Had another one but rn would say this one!

19. List your side blogs and what they’re used for.

None! but I’m so tempted to do one for Cats either just to post my Cats stuff or maybe an rp blog for my ocs or maybe both? I’m not sure (but the Cats sideblog is a real possibility tbh)

20. Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

I don’t think there is anything you’d need to know? other than maybe if you wanna chat or something just drop a message, I struggle with starting conversations cause I’m awkward as fuck a first, bu soon enough you’ll be having to deal with me sending you doodles at random moments of the day or showing you weird things I found while walking outside.

and Oh! If you message me and I don’t reply...message me again, chances are I was doing something or somehow I thought so hard about my own reply that I actually tricked myself into believing I’ve actually replied :’D

Now for the tags, not anyone in mind rn so if you see this and want to do it, here you go! I’m tagging you!

#ale screams into the void

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twokinkybeans · 5 years ago

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Jar Of Dirt 15: The Kink [Starker Fanfiction NFSW/18+]

Kink/Sexual Warnings: Puppy Play, Daddy Kink, Praise Kink, Name-Calling, Humiliation, Feminization, Sex Toy/Buttplug, Anal Sex, Collar, Leash, Voice Kink. Other Warnings: NoneSee the notes at the end for more info regarding our spin-offs!!!

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Chapter 15: The Kink Peter has no idea why, but whenever he hangs with MJ, their conversations always end up steering towards topics that should probably not be discussed in a public place such as the coffee shop they always go to. Yet, here they are again, sipping their lattés, talking sex. “So, you know a lot about me at this point- probably too much,” Peter laughs, lowering his voice. “-But I don’t know much about you.” The corners of MJ’s mouth curl up into a smile. “That is correct,” she replies with a snort. She puts a spoonful of cream in her mouth and sucks on it for a second before taking it out to point at Peter with it. “Any guesses?” “Wha- as in, what you’re into?” Peter realizes his voice had raised in volume again, so he ducks his head. “Yeah, man. Can you read me?” MJ smirks and Peter shakes his head, slowly turning the coffee glass between his hands. “Spider powers, Em. Not kink-guessing powers. “Huh,” MJ scoffs as she leans back in her seat. “Not as great as everyone says you are.” Peter tosses his still wrapped up coffee cookie at her. “Meanie!” he exclaims quietly.

“Alright, alright,” she laughs. “I’m a switch.” MJ leans forward and rests her head in her hand, leaning her elbow on the table. Her cheek gets squished slightly. “Though, I lean towards domming more. I ride the guys I fuck, and I peg the girls. Simple as that.” Peter turns beet red. “Okay,” he squeaks quietly. He can’t help but imagine MJ naked, doing the exact things she just casually explained, as if there are not at least twenty other people in this coffee shop trying to enjoy their caffeine with an overly sweet treat. MJ grins, knowing exactly how flustered Peter gets with stuff like this, and she’s quietly enjoying it. They established a while back that they can be honest with each other, so as long as Peter doesn’t tell her to change the subject, she won’t. “If we talk kinks, however…” She leans further forward, as if she’s about to spill a big secret. Peter, unaware of his own actions, leans in slightly as well, staring intently at her. The hand she just rested her cheek in gently caresses her jawline and slowly moves down until her fingers curl around her throat. “I like being choked.” Peter stares at her in disbelief. “You like-?” He points at his own neck. MJ nods simply and takes another sip from her coffee, her hand still rests around her throat and Peter’s mouth goes a little dry when she squeezes slightly. He tears his eyes away from her neck and takes another sip from his coffee. “Yep. I like the thrill it gives me. The lack of oxygen makes me lightheaded, which adds to the pleasure.”

Peter let’s MJ’s words sink in for a second. The thought of being choked makes his Spider senses flare up inside his brain, just like it did when he thought about the hot wax falling on his body when Tony and Peter tried the temperature play. Not good. He’s still unsure why he does like being spanked, even though his Spider sense would prevent him from getting hit like that, but he settles on the statement that brains and bodies are just… Weird. “I don’t think I’m into that…” he mumbles as he looks away. MJ stifles a laugh. “You’re into a lot of other kinky stuff, Pete, you don’t have to like everything .” “I know, I know-” Peter smiles, but it falters as he raises his hand to touch his neck. He remembers all the times Tony’s fingers had curled around his throat. How they caressed him and squeezed slightly, not blocking his airpipe, but still applying a sweet yet stern kind of pressure. Possessive. He bites his cheek when he thinks back to a specific memory with Tony. The bow tie. Peter loved it. Loved how Tony tugged at it to pull him closer. Loved the rush of arousal it gave him.

“Pete?” “Hm?” Peter is shaken out of his train of thought by MJ, who grins at him from the other side of the table. She nods at Peter’s neck and he realizes he’s holding himself the same way MJ held her throat herself just a little bit ago. “Oh.” He lets go of himself and looks at his hand before deciding he didn’t mind the feeling around his neck. “I do like the feeling of having something around my neck,” he mutters. “Like-” he looks back up at MJ. “My neck’s very sensitive, I guess?” MJ scoffs a smile. “Not surprised,” she quips. “Ever seen a spider with a neck?” Peter frowns, unsure where MJ’s beautifully strange mind is going this time. “No,” he chuckles uncertain. “That’s ‘cause they evolved out of it. The ones with necks were probably Darwinned out of existence hundreds of thousands of years ago!” She holds her spoon up while she takes a quick sip, indicating she’s not done yet. “It’s a weak spot! Too sensitive! You’re very unfortunate to have a neck, Mr. Parker.” “Were there ever spiders with necks?” Peter can’t help but laugh and play along. "Can’t prove that there weren’t." MJ winks. "Better watch your neck, Pete."

The comment makes Peter hide his face in his hands again. MJ really has her way with words. “You’re making fun of me again,” he says with a smile. “Don’t have to call me out on that, you should be worried when I don’t make fun of you.” “Noted,” Peter laughs. “Noted.” “So!” MJ tosses her spoon in her half empty glass. “You like the slight pressure around your neck?” Peter swallows and nods slightly. “Y-yeah, I guess-” “Okay, scratch what I said earlier, cause I’m not making fun of you for this kind of stuff, okay? No kink shaming in this house. Or any house, to be honest.” Peter fiddles with his fingers and nods as he looks at them. “Thanks.” “Ever considered wearing chokers or collars?” Peter’s head whips up to look at MJ. Her expression is serious. “I’ve had some subs who liked the constant reminder of being owned by their dominant- me, I guess, at that point. Collars did the trick. The whole thing was super sensual to them. From the act of being collared up by their daddy to being pulled on a leash and-” “Woah-woah-woah-” Peter stops MJ with his hands raised in front of him. “Did you just-” “Refer to myself as daddy? Yeah? Got a problem with that, Parker?” MJ grins wide and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. “No, no, of course not!” He laughs sheepishly and hides his face. They are literally having this conversation in a crowded coffee shop. He knows at least four people have tuned in to their conversation and are following it. There’s no denying; he literally sees them glance their way every now and then. “Good, cause girls can be daddies too.” Peter’s going to pretend that line didn’t go straight to his dick. As if nothing just happened, MJ continues her train of thought. “If you wanna try a collar I can send you a couple links. There’s some good websites out there.” Peter presses his lips on each other and nods gratefully. He chugs the rest of the coffee, hoping it’ll distract him from whatever he’s feeling right now. However, when he angles his head up, he’s suddenly extremely aware of how exposed his neck is and the mere idea of having something straining around it slightly nearly has him choke on the last sip. He clears his throat and licks his lips, taking off the foam and tasting the sweet of the caramell. A collar . He quietly hopes MJ won’t forget sending him the links. He’d probably be too much of a chicken to ask her for them. Luckily for him, MJ immediately grabs her phone and browses for her favourite online stores to send them to Peter. He takes a breath and smiles. “Thanks.”

Tony hums happily when Peter nestles himself into Tony’s side and rests his hand on the boy’s back. Tony has been splayed out on the couch for a little over thirty minutes now, trying to take a nap and failing badly. He couldn’t stop his mind from wandering off to last week. Peter had surprised him with a trip to a certain spa in Italy. Tony hadn’t realized how on-edge he’d been lately - the amount of stress from work was driving him absolutely nuts. Peter had noticed. Had known that Tony needed a little break. He couldn’t believe that Peter spent such a huge amount of money and it’d turned him on big time. The arousal evident throughout the entire trip. He smiles at the memory of Peter wearing the laurel crown. The hot and steamy baths they’d taken together, day in day out. It was safe to say his sweet Cupido had taken very good care of him. He’s casually playing with Peter’s hair now. He loves the way the soft, brown locks curl around his fingers. Peter makes him so happy. So incredibly happy. He can’t believe it sometimes. That this… amazing being is his boyfriend. That Peter chose him. Loves him. Out of all people. Peter’s been there, every step of the way. They faced so many things together. Battles, near-death experiences, the whole MIT incident. Talking openly about literally everything. From their favorite foods, to their deepest fears, to… To their all-over-the-place sexual interests.

He loves Peter. He truly loves him.

And fuck it. He’s ready. He’s ready to show Peter his last secret. The last thing that he’s held back for so, so long now. “Wait here,” he says, startling Peter in their embrace. He scrambles up, careful not to hurt Peter in the process and walks over to the kitchen. He grabs the jar and takes it back with him. He sits down, opens it and turns it over, dropping all the notes out. “Tony, what are you-” Tony just smiles at him. His heart is pounding in his ribcage so hard and so fast it should be terrifying. But somehow, it isn’t. He knows he’s ready. He knows Peter loves him no matter what. He trusts him. He trusts Peter to cherish this little side of him - whether he likes it or not. He rummages through the notes. Where is it? Stranger RP, Kitchen Sex, Sex in Spiderman Suit - What now? Tony chuckles as he reads it but continues the search until he finally finds the one little note he’d been looking for. The one he pulled out so long ago only to throw it back in there because he’d been too scared. He swallows, taking a deep breath as he hands the little paper over to his very obviously confused boyfriend. “I’m ready, Pete.”

Peter’s eyes widen and he carefully takes the note. “Is… Is this…” “Yeah.” “Fuck, Tony, are you sure?” Tony chuckles, nodding fast as his heart warms at the idea that Peter is double-checking with him. Only solidifying the idea that this is indeed the right time. “Yeah, yeah, kid, just read the damned thing. You’re killing me here.” Peter grins at that and he bites down his lips. His eyes sparkle when he unfolds the note and reads what’s on there.

Puppy Play .

He’s silent for a moment, his lips parting in a slight ‘oh’. Peter gets it now. Why Tony loved making him crawl- why he made him hump pillows and give him short commands such as “Sit” and “Down, boy.” Fuck. Peter’s cheeks flush. He hasn’t even given those things a second thought but, never thought about being a… puppy, before. But he sure as hell knows how much he enjoys it when Tony treats him like that. He loves the humiliation, the power shift, the way Tony praises him for being a good boy. He looks up at the older man. He can see why he’d been scared to bring it up. It’s such a specific thing. His mind flashes back to Tony’s birthday party when he threw Beck out the Tower. The man had sneered a bark at him. He finally understood why and - oh god. He also remembers what he told Tony afterwards. “As if I’m your dog or anything like that.” It hurts thinking about it, thinking how he unconsciously made Tony push away from this thing even further.

But not anymore.

“I see…” he whispers, slowly moving off the couch and dropping onto his knees right between Tony’s legs. Tony’s gaze darkens straight-up, licking his lips unconsciously. “Fuck, Pete-” he whispers breathlessly. “You really want to do this with me?” Peter nods, shifting forward and resting his chin on top of Tony’s leg. Tony huffs out a surprised breath, tentatively reaching out for Peter’s curls once more. But he doesn’t run his fingers through it like he usually does. His fingertips ruffle through his hair just behind Peter’s ear. It’s hesitant, Peter can feel it, and he doesn’t know why but that turns him on. He wants Tony to go all in. To go for it. Make Peter his puppy. So he whines, tilting his head leaning into the playful touch. “Oh look at you, my pretty boy, I wish I could put a collar on you.” Peter’s lips part at the mere idea and he gulps, smirking lightly. “What if…” Peter whispers, thinking about the beautiful black leather collar he ordered about two months ago. “What if you could?” After MJ’s little speech on how her subs like the slight, neverending pressure on their throats, Peter’s been craving it. He’s been craving feeling owned . The constant reminder that he’s Tony’s every time he swallows. He’d only wore it once while masturbating, imagining Tony using it to yank the boy wherever he wants. With that image in his mind, he’d come so hard and he’d been embarrassed to wear it again. He figured Tony would’ve seen his order in his bank account - but he hadn’t said anything so Peter took it as a silent sign that Tony wasn’t into it. Guess he’d been wrong to make that assumption. “ What? ” “I-I may have bought a collar and a leash a couple months ago,” Peter squeaks, his cheeks flaring up once more. Tony moans, so obscenely it has Peter nearly whimper with arousal. Tony’s voice is broken and rushed when he speaks again, his finger brushing past Peter’s cheek and ruffling through his hair once more, scratching the skin behind his ear.

“Fetch, boy.”

Tony stares as the boy rushes off to their bedroom. Dammit. He’s so awfully hard in his sweats already. The boy has a collar. The boy has had a collar for months and he didn’t know it. He doesn’t mind, not at all. His throat is dry at the mental image of holding Peter on a leash. He’s so ready for this and he waits eagerly for Peter to return. Which, thank god, doesn’t take too long. Tony’s breath hitches when he sees Peter. He’s stark naked, his hard cock strained against his abdomen. A black collar and a leash dangling from his hands, the little chain clanking when he moves. He looks so innocent and sexy at the same time that it nearly knocks his breath from his lungs. Puppy. “Oh God, Peter, c’mere, I want to buckle that collar around your pretty throat.” Tony chokes out, not sure what to do with himself. Peter’s eyes start sparkling at Tony’s obvious arousal. His lips curl into a mischievous smile as he brings his hands up agonizingly slow, clamping the collar between his teeth. He tilts his head, the leash playfully dancing to the movement and Peter growls. A silent noise but Tony didn’t miss it. The sound echoes in his mind. He wants to hear it again. “Pe-” He doesn’t even have time to speak, the boy sends him a little wink before turning around and walking into their bedroom once again. His hips swaying teasingly. The message is clear. Come and get me, daddy. Tony huffs a shaky breath, grinning madly. This, Peter rolling with it so easily, so playfully, is a dream come true. So he decides to give the boy what he’s wordlessly asking for. Rising off the couch, walking to their bedroom. His heart is pounding in his chest, strong and fast as he wonders what Peter’s up to. He can’t wait to find out.

Peter grins around the collar in his mouth, his sensitive hearing how Tony approaches him. Step by step, coming closer and closer. Just a few more seconds. His body’s buzzing with excitement and arousal. He takes a deep breath knowing just how much Tony’s gonna love his little plan. Peter already likes being a little puppy. How it gives him a green card to let out his more naughty side. Tony’s almost there, almost… The second he sees the man appear in the doorway, he laughs, rushing out of the bedroom headed for the couch. He loves the surprised noise coming from Tony’s mouth and he jumps onto the cushion, lowering his upper body, his butt high in the air. Tony’s face is priceless. He looks so startled and turned on at the same time. Peter fucking loves it. He has no clue what he’s doing honestly, but he knows what puppies are like. So he tilts his head again, whining softly as he slowly starts wagging his butt.

“Oh, you are in big trouble,” Tony grunts and strides towards the boy. Peter yelps in surprise and leans back, hiding his face behind the armrest, but Tony’s there with him before he even processes it. “Drop it.” Peter growls again, shaking his head wildly. The thrill at the mere idea of Tony’s potential punishment has him trembling with desire. Tony snorts at the boy’s defiance and grabs his collar. When the man tugs, Peter’s cock twitches and he moans surprised. He doesn’t let go, clamping his teeth tighter into the sturdy leather band. “Peter, I’m giving you one last chance. Drop the collar or I will not let you cum for the rest of the fucking week. I’ll make you hump for hours and hours without ever granting you release. How’s that, uh? Let. Go. ” Peter’s breath hitches at the threat. Part of him wants to see how far he can take this. Likes the idea of being told no. But fuck, he’s so horny already he really needs to come tonight. So he growls but drops the collar into Tony’s hand. The man grins, clearly pleased with the outcome. “ Good booooooy, ” Tony coos, making Peter whimper instantly. “Do you want the collar, pretty puppy?” Peter nods, staring at the way Tony lets the black leather glide through his fingers. It looks so smooth. He wants to feel it around his throat so badly. “P-please, Sir, I want it.” “Begging so nicely already, that’s more like it, sweetness.” Tony grins and sits on the couch, resting into the sides nonchalantly. “But puppies don’t belong on the couch now do they?” Peter has never dropped to the floor this fast ever in his life. They’re back where they started. Tony on the couch, Peter kneeling between his legs. Deja vu. Only this time there’s a collar and Peter eyes it desperately, gulping when Tony leans forward. “Stay,” he breathes and Peter moans, nearly jolting when Tony’s fingers brush past the sensitive skin of his neck. The leather strap digging into his skin as Tony fastens it. It’s heavy and so obviously there and Peter wonders why he’d hidden it for so long. Everything about this feels so damn right. “How’s that feel, buddy?” “So good. F-Feels so good Tony, I love it, I… C-Can you please tighten it?” He pleads. He wants to feel it better. Wants to feel it pressed into his skin without remorse. Tony hums softly, fingers working on the buckle to give in to Peter’s plea. The moment the man tightens it, a surge or white hot arousal shoots through Peter’s body. Owned. I’m owned. “Better?” “ Tighter. ”

Tony chuckles, tightening the collar once more. Peter groans, feeling how every beat of his heart echoes through the pressure around his jugulars. Yes, yes, yes. “There you go, sweet pup. I still need you to breathe,” Tony whispers leaning back, admiring the harsh contrast between the black leather and Peter’s pale skin. He grabs the leash that’s dangling from the D-ring in front, tugging on it slightly, making Peter moan as he can’t do anything but give in to the movement. Tony’s free hand ruffles through his hair, deliberately messing up his curls. It feels so good though that Peter doesn’t mind at all. He’s ashamed to admit he doesn’t ever want Tony to stop petting him like that. “Daddy, I-” “Hush, Petey, puppies don’t talk now do they?” Peter whimpers when he realizes how Tony just shut him up with one single sentence. Oh god. He won’t even be able to talk back, or plead, or ask- only whine. Make noise. He groans and smirks when he realizes that that’s the whole thing. Tony wants him to make noise . He’s so ready for it.

Tony shifts, his legs falling apart and Peter gulps when he sees the clear outline of Tony’s hard-on through his sweatpants. Tony grins as he sees Peter’s hungry gaze. “Is there something you want, buddy?” Peter nods desperately. Rising up, leaning his arms - or paws, call it what you like - on Tony’s legs. Nuzzling his face into Tony’s chest playfully. “Hooo boy, easy now.” Tony chuckles, pushing him down again. Peter’s on all fours now, grinning, licking his lips and he wags his butt. Tony’s eyes darken at that. He shifts up to tug his sweats and boxers down. Peter stares at his hard cock. God, he wants to wrap his lips around it. Suck on it, making Tony feel good. “Oh, cucciolo … You gonna make daddy feel good?”

Cucciolo. Cucciolo… Why does that sound so familiar? His mind flashes back to the Italian spa, the first time they were there. The Italian pet names. Peter asking what they meant. Tony had answered all of them. Amore. Bambino. Caro. Except for… “And Cucciolo ?” “Oh, I don't know about that one exactly. All I know is that it's a pet name.”

“All this time,” Peter breathes out, his eyes opening wide. “Tony! I asked you what it, cucciolo, meant, I… You are so slick. ” Tony grins and leans forward, his face mere inches away from Peter. “ Cucciolo ,” he whispers, before his hand gently scratches behind Peter’s ear. Peter fights the urge to moan and maintains eye contact with Tony. “ Puppy. ” Tony smiles triumphantly and drops himself back on the couch, letting go of Peter. The boy whines at the lack of touch, but also can’t help the surge of arousal coursing through him. “Now, get your clever little mouth to work.” Tony tugs Peter forward using the leash. Peter immediately complies and sits up so he can reach Tony’s hard cock. Now that his attention has been shifted back to what needs to be done, he’s already forgotten what he wanted to say. He couldn’t speak if he tried, completely enthralled by the twitching shaft in front of him. He leans down and closes his eyes, anticipating the soft impact of his face hitting Tony’s skin. He gasps softly when he does, his hot breath causes Tony to jolt slightly.

Peter’s mouth is already half-opened, but he can’t help himself. Instead of wrapping his lips around Tony, he presses his head further, nuzzling the older man’s crotch. Licking, sighing, moaning… He laps at the head absentmindedly when Tony places his hand on Peter’s hair, tugging at his hair. “Taste good, don’t I?” he growls. Peter nods as he continues, his nose pushed in all directions as he cocks his head. His eyes are still closed and he smells, no, sniffs. Tony’s arousal fills his nostrils and the boy shakes. Peter leaves wet kisses everywhere; on the shaft, lower abdomen- he even suckles on Tony’s balls one by one and Tony’s panting becomes louder. His hips start thrusting up slightly and unconsciously, Peter humps the air too. “Go on, Cucciolo, ” Tony coos. “Take me whole.” Peter immediately raises his hand to hold onto Tony’s cock, angling him so he can wrap his lips around him. He hollows out his cheeks, not able to stop humping the air and he bobs his head, eliciting the most arousing sounds from his daddy.

Tony stares at his desperate boy and shifts one leg with a smirk, pressing it between his and Peter’s body and inviting his puppy to find friction by slightly lifting it from the floor. He pushes his shank between Peter’s legs, flexing his foot around Peter’s butt to urge him closer. His puppy moans around Tony’s cock - the vibrations sending shivers through Tony’s body - when he finally gets to hump something. His daddy’s leg of all things. Tony helps him, rubbing against Peter’s aching cock with his leg slowly. However, he also helps himself… Tony’s hand still rests on Peter’s head, curls stuck in his tight grasp. His other hand holds the leash and at the same time, he pushes Peter’s head down further while applying pressure to Peter’s neck by pulling at the leash. The boy nearly chokes on Tony’s cock, eyes rolling back as he desperately ruts against daddy’s leg. His moans are getting louder and louder, the sucking around Tony’s dick sloppier. The boy’s getting close to his orgasm. Tony’s not done with his sweet little thing yet.

“Off, buddy,” Tony breathes, biting his lips when Peter’s lips let go - leaving him throbbing. Peter sits back, his butt resting on his heels as he stares up at Tony in confusion. Eyes innocent and big. Tony licks his lips. “Good boy. Watch.” Tony groans when he curls his fingers around the base of his own cock. He squeezes slightly before pumping his hand up and down. He starts out slowly, enjoying the burning sensation in the pit of his stomach. Peter eyes him closely, his lips still parted. “You’re gonna behave today, sweet little pup,” he grunts. “That is, if you want to come. Tonight. ” Peter whimpers, shaking his head slightly. Tony can see him mouth a quick series of no’s but he doesn’t speak. Already behaving. Good. Definitely a good sign. Tony takes a sharp breath, speeding up. Faster, and faster, and faster. He stares at Peter’s needy face and fuck, he wants to come all over him. Watch his cum drip down the boy’s cheeks and, oh dammit, he’s so close. So close. “You wanna have a taste? Fuck, Pete- I…” Tony’s voice trails off, his hand moving up and down as fast as he can. He grunts, his hips bucking into his own touch when pleasure washes over him. He gasps, panting out loud when he sees trails of him staining his boy’s hungry face. “Fuck, fuck…” Tony takes a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. Peter looks… Filthy. If he had Peter’s Spider abilities he would’ve been hard again in an instant just at the sight. “Messy boy,” Tony whispers, voice rough as he sticks out his hand. Most of his cum landed on Peter’s gorgeous face, but some of it had trickled down his hand. “C’mere, lick me clean.” Peter dives right in, tongue lapping at the digits, sucking them into his mouth harshly. Tony just watches, entranced. “Good boy. So good for daddy, aren’t you?” Peter nods, not stopping his tongue swirling across his skin until he gently brushes him off.

“Peter, listen carefully. I’m keeping you on your knees all day, you hear me?” Peter’s eyes widen and he whines, nodding desperately. “You want that? You can speak for now.” “I want that, daddy. Very much.” “Good, use your safeword if you need to stop. Otherwise, I expect full obedience or there will be consequences. Is that clear?” “Yes,” Peter smiles, tilting his head. “Does that mean you’ll feed me?” “Alright boy, time to shut up again.” Tony chuckles, petting the boy’s hair. Peter grins widely and leans into the touch, sighing happily. “But yes, no worries. I won’t let you starve. I do love you.” Peter nudges his nose against Tony’s knee, accidentally rubbing some of Tony’s cum on it but Tony couldn’t care less. He knows what Peter’s saying. I love you too.

Tony’s staring at his pup resting in his lap, his fingers running through the boy’s cute curls. After Tony came he’d patted the couch, Peter grinning happily at the privilege that allowed him to be comfortable, resting into his boyfriend’s side. The TV’s turned on, but Tony doesn’t really watch the show that’s playing. He’s too enamoured by Peter’s soft features as his heads lols back from dozing off. The sudden movement startles his puppy, making him whine quietly and shift until the process happens all over again. They’ve been like this for a little over an hour, and Tony should probably get started on prepping dinner. But Peter looks so soft and sweet, napping like this. His muscles are completely relaxed, his jaw is slacked and his eyelids twitch slightly. He’s dreaming. Tony’s eyes wander off to the boy’s cock, still hard. But not as hard as he had been before. Tony licks his lips, carefully reaching out for the shaft and curling his fingers around it.

Peter groans quietly, pressing himself into Tony’s touch. His hips mindlessly roll against the older man’s grip. Tony grins. His puppy is still horny. He rolls his thumb over the head and the sweetest sound falls from Peter’s lips. He’s not waking up, though. Tony continues giving the boy’s cock attention until he’s content with how hard it is. “Hey, buddy, wake up.” Tony flicks one of Peter’s nipples with his other hand. The pup gasps and jolts awake. When he realizes what Tony is doing, he immediately relaxes into the man’s touch again. “Nnhhhhg,” Peter moans, shaking his head. “Petey…” Tony coos, his other hand ruffling through his hair. Peter sighs happily, pliant in the man’s arms. “You hungry boy?” Peter’s eyes are wide-open all of a sudden, looking up at Tony with an adorable little smile. “Thought so. First things first, though.” Tony reaches for the black cube on the side table. “Gonna plug you up, buddy. Keep you hard and aching all day, ready for me to fuck you whenever.” Tony says and licks his lips as he sees how it makes Peter’s cheeks flush. “You’ll feel it moving inside when you crawl, baby, and oh I do intend to make you crawl.”

Peter nods frantically. He wants it. He wants it so badly. He catches himself almost chanting a series of pleas and clamps his jaws together, knowing any word would probably make Tony force him to wait even longer. He does want to show his… Enthusiasm. So he arches up, licking a wet stripe across Tony’s jaw and giggles at the man’s surprised face. “Now, someone’s excited,” Tony huffs and wipes the saliva off using his sleeve. Peter grins, turning around to get on his hands and knees, wagging his butt playfully. Tony actually laughs this time and smacks his butt. Peter moans at the light sting, a rush of arousal washing over him. “Stay still, pup.” Tony orders him as he quickly gets his phone out to change the shape of the cube until a cute little buttplug. Peter’s glad to see it isn’t a very big one. He knows just how much this is going to fuck with his head, so not being thrown into all this too harshly is nice. Not that he’s under the impression that the smaller plug is going to be easy. He can only imagine how good it’ll feel moving inside him. Making him ache and yearn for his daddy’s cock. Peter gasps when the cold, lubricated tip trails past his hole. Teasing him, making him arch into the touch desperately. Yes, yes yes. Tony doesn’t tease for too long and carefully slips it in. Peter moans at the increasing stretch, breathing heavily as Tony moves in and out, twisting. He wants to beg. Wants to talk. Wants to cry Tony’s name when the toy hits his prostate. Please please don’t stop, never stop. “Oh yes, that feels so good. Doesn’t it cucciolo ?” Tony’s voice is rough, sending shivers down Peter’s spine. As a response he wags his butt again, pushing back into the toy only to sob with pleasure as it brushes past his G-spot once more.

“Alright,” Tony states curtly, tugging on the toy slightly to see if it’s secured in place and then lets go of it. “-that’s downright naughty. I know you’re a needy little thing, know you simply can’t help yourself.” Peter whimpers, cheeks flaring up and his hips rolling into the air as his body unconsciously tries to chase the pleasure once again. “-It’s my job to teach you how to be a good boy though, and I will.” Peter doesn’t quite understand why, but he loves all of this so much. Loves being a naughty, needy little thing. Humping Tony’s leg, falling asleep in his lap with a collar buckled tight around his throat, being denied the very pleasure he wants so badly. It does things to him. To his body, but also his mind. He feels like he’s dreaming, happy and carefree and taken care of. When he looks over his shoulder to watch Tony’s face, he sees that all of this has the exact same effect on his boyfriend. He gets why Tony loves this so much, and thank god, so does he.

“Down, boy.” Tony says, interrupting Peter’s thoughts and he groans. He doesn’t want to get on the floor, but he’s very curious for Tony’s next step in their game. He looks at the floor, feels the plug and wonders how on earth he’ll ever pull this off. Gulping, he reaches for the floor, the plug angling into his hole so nicely it has him whimper. He pushes through though, clenching his jaws as he manages to get to the floor without torturing himself too much. It’s enough though, enough to have him shaking with desire. Tony scratches him behind his ear playfully. “That’s it buddy,” Tony gets up from the couch, readjusting the hard cock in his sweats a little too obviously. Intentionally. Peter licks his lips just staring at it. He knows Tony will fuck him tonight. He can’t wait. He- “Heel.” Tony tugs on the leash. It forces Peter to scramble up from his position. Heel. That means to follow closely, right? He blushes as he crawls, hoping he doesn’t mess up as he stays close to Tony’s leg. The older man smirks down at him. “ Good boy. ” Peter smiles, his movements becoming more confident now he knows he did understand correctly. His knees hurt where they hit the floor, but he doesn’t care honestly. Heck, he hopes they bruise. With every step he feels the plug moving inside of him, making it hard for him to stay focussed. His balls have been aching for release for so long now, they feel so goddamn tight, and every brush past his sweet spot makes it harder and harder not to jerk off. Once they’re in the kitchen, Tony ties the leash around the handle of their oven. “Can’t have you run off now can we?” He ruffles through Peter’s hair. “Show me how hard you are, cucciolo .” Peter blushes and spreads his legs a little wider. Tony nods approvingly at the sight and starts moving around the kitchen. Putting a pan on the stove, cutting the ingredients and stir-frying them - the smell makes Peter’s stomach rumble. Now that he thinks about it, he has no clue what time it is. Has no clue how long he’s been a puppy. He looks over his shoulder but can’t see the clock. When he cranes his neck, the leash holds him back in place. Dammit. “Easy boy, daddy’s making food for you. I know how hungry you are.” Peter nods and decides to lay down on his side. Knees tucked in. If he has to wait, he better be comfortable.

About five minutes later, Tony turns the stove off and Peter perks up, staring at him intently. Tony grins, reaching into the pan and then crouching down in front of Peter with a little piece of chicken between his fingertips. Peter gulps. He just knows what’s about to happen. “Sit.” The short command makes Peter shiver and he sits up right away, butt resting on his heels. Tony ruffles through Peter’s hair and holds the piece of chicken in front of Peter’s mouth. For some stupid reason, eating out of Tony’s hands is a thousand times more humiliating than crawling around on a damned leash. He’s hesitant when he leans forward, taking it and sighing happily when the rich flavor fills his mouth. He chews. Swallows. Looks up at Tony. “You’re doing such a good job buddy, I’m so proud of you.” Peter moans as the impact of the praise kicks in. His dick twitches, still hard and strained against his abdomen. He loves Tony. The man must’ve sensed his slight embarrassment. “You make daddy so happy.” With that, Tony stands up to take another piece of chicken from the pan. “Let’s see how well you can catch.” Peter’s eyes widen. Oh, God. He’s going to fail miserably. He stares at Tony’s hand. He wants to do this right. Wants to make his daddy… his owner, proud. However, when Tony throws it, he doesn’t aim at his puppy at all. Peter tries to catch it anyways, stumbling forward. “Oops,” Tony says slowly, voice dripping with sarcasm. “-my bad.” If Peter could talk he’d make such a bratty comeback Tony would spank him so hard he’d see stars. But he can’t talk. Not today. He stares at the chicken, now on the floor. “Go on then, eat it.”

Peter cocks an eyebrow at Tony, deliberately picking it off the floor and lifting his hand to throw it back at the man standing in front of him. There’s no way he’s going to eat off the floor, no matter how clean. His heightened senses would pick up on all the things Peter does not want to taste. Tony interrupts it before he can actually throw it. “Ah-ah, behave.” For a split second, Peter debates whether he wants to cum tonight yes or no. It’s not a difficult decision though, so he huffs out a breath and shifts his aim, tossing it back on the counter instead of against Tony’s sweats. Tony fake-sighs and takes a plate from the countertop, quickly scooping up the stir-fry. “Such a picky little pup, aren’t you? I’ve been spoiling you too much.” Tony crouches down again, putting the plate in front of Peter. “Here you go.”

Peter can’t believe Tony’s still making him eat off the floor, but at least it’s on a plate now. He takes a deep breath as he inches closer - staring at the food. It’s his own fucking recipe. The burrito bowl he makes for Tony so often. Tony’s still improving a lot in his cooking, and this is one of the meals he’s actually mastered in the past couple months. Peter loves the food. Then why does this feel like such a big thing he’s about to do? It’s just food. That’s he’s gonna eat off the floor. With his mouth only. His face is burning with shame when he leans in, carefully trying to catch a little piece of broccoli between his teeth. “That’s it, Petey,” Tony coos from above him, now preparing a plate for himself as well. “You still hard, boy?” Peter looks down at his cock. He’s still hard, but not as rock-hard as he’d been before. Tony hums disapprovingly and leans forward. His hand finds Peter’s cock effortlessly. Peter whines at the sudden touch, a surge of pleasure cursing through him. His hips buck into Tony’s hand uncontrollably, couldn’t even hold still if he wanted to. Soon enough, his cock is slick with precum - his core muscles clenching and unclenching without pause. He wants to come so badly, yearns for Tony to just push his own pants down and take him from behind. However, Tony’s hand is gone as quickly as he started. “That’s better,” he grins staring at Peter’s raging boner. “Go on, eat.” The man sits down on the barstool, starting to eat his own meal making Peter whimper at the loss of pleasure. Though in a way, the denial only makes him more aroused. Eat. He has to eat. The sooner he finishes this, the sooner Tony will fuck him. He leans in towards the plate to pick another bite slowly, trying to dial down his nerves. He’s less hesitant at the second bite. With the third he actually tastes how well Tony did at cooking this time, he even added some extra spices to it. Peter’s proud. Soon enough, Peter’s simply eating. Enjoying it while Tony watches him proudly from the corner of his eyes.

“Stay.” Peter looks up at Tony as the man stalks off to their bedroom. Peter’s still tied to the oven, and the bedroom door sways shut so he can’t see what Tony’s up to. He hears Tony move around, moving things , but even Peter’s on-edge senses can’t tell exactly what’s going on in there. The fact that it’s the bedroom says enough though. Whatever the man is preparing, Peter aches to find out. The big grin on Tony’s face when he walks back into the room has Peter whine low in his throat. Tony’s not just… Taking care of him right now. He’s in full-on dom mode and Peter’s skin tingles with anticipation. “Hey, buddy.” Tony whispers. “I got a little surprise for you.” Tony unties the leash and pulls it taut, forcing Peter to get on all fours again. The crawl to the bedroom is torture. His knees are even more sore than they were before, his hole clenches around the plug as sparks of pleasure shoot through him at every little step. The occasional brushes of Tony’s hand petting his hair have him shiver all over. He wonders what Tony’s surprise is, he wonders-

His eyes open wide when he stares at the, well… mess on their bed. He gulps. It’s a collection of all the things he ever broke during sex. Sheets, cuffs, ropes… A big pile of shirts that he ripped off Tony’s body in his eagerness. And - Oh God - the coffee machine. Peter remembers that time very vividly. He’d knocked the thing off the countertop when Tony’s slammed into him harshly. It’d broken into three pieces. Those are now resting at the edge of the bed. Peter chuckles. There’s so much more. A cushion from the couch, a little button that somehow, got jarred from the elevator control panel when he’d tried to steady himself while sucking Tony off. Everything is on the bed. He looks up at Tony. “It turns me on,” the man whispers, “-knowing you lose yourself in pleasure.” He pats the bed, urging Peter to crawl on top which he does. “I intend to make you break many more things, sweet little pup. Why don’t we start with the leash, uh?” Tony smirks, tying Peter up to the bedpost at the feet end this time. Peter tugs on the taut leash experimentally and moans when it doesn’t give in. But of course, that’s without using his Spider strength.

“You like being tied down, boy?” Tony growls softly as he quickly tugs the shirt over his head. Peter’s jaw drops at the sight and he nods. He loves seeing Tony half-naked, the sweats hanging low on his hips. His strong chest, the arc reactor making it shine ever so bright. Tony licks his lips, seeing how Peter’s watching him. Peter knows he’s being a fucking tease on purpose but he doesn’t mind one single bit. He loves it when Tony hooks his fingers in the hem of the grey sweats, slowly, very slowly pushing them down, and- Peter moans when he sees how hard his daddy is. “That’s right. You’re so needy you start drooling at the sight, don’t you?” Peter has to squeeze his eyes shut when another wave of arousal hits him hard. Biting down his lips cutting off his words. Tony pushes his sweatpants and boxers down, stepping out of them and crawling onto the bed, kneeling behind Peter’s body. Peter takes a shaky breath. He can’t see Tony, but he can feel exactly where he is. His lower back arching unconsciously as a silent invite to please fuck me fuck me fuck me. “You’re so hard,” Tony coos. Peter sobs when he feels Tony’s fingers curl around the shaft, his hole clenching around the plug. “And I’m gonna pound you so good. You know why, buddy?” Peter shakes his head and has to bite back a high-pitched cry when suddenly Tony’s tongue is on his balls and suddenly everything just feels so good it’s disorienting. “Because you’re my bitch, Pete.”

Peter jolts at the words as they keep reverberating in his head. His fingers fist in the sheets - are those the ripped sheets? He has no clue. If Tony keeps going like this they sure will be. The man’s tongue is licking wet stripes all across the thin skin, and it’s exhilarating how fragile it makes him feel. Tony gently flicks his thumb at Peter’s tip a couple times, almost demanding Peter to cry out. Peter lets his head hang low breathing heavily, resting against the cotton fabric. He doesn’t know how long he can keep his composure like this. But who is he kidding. He already lost that from the moment Tony buckled the collar around his throat. “Such a gorgeous little puppy. You’re a whimpering mess, baby, wish you could hear yourself.” Peter’s cheeks flare up once more. “I don’t even have to prep you, just take the plug out and you’re all ready to go.” Tony’s hot lips move up, kissing the skin around the plug passionately. Without warning, Tony starts tugging on the plug gently. Peter grunts, the movement inside him not nearly enough and yet all he craves. The thicker part of the plug stretching the rim as it’s pulled out - making him sob when the empty feeling washes over him. He needs Tony. Inside of him. Hard. Fast. Rough.

Now.

“Petey, baby…” Tony groans. “My good boy. Always my good boy. Even when you’re a naughty little tease. Even when you tear everything apart as you come. You make me the happiest man on earth.” Before Peter has time to process the praise, Tony pushes inside of him. “ AH! ” Peter can’t help the surprised moan escaping his throat, his entire body is on fire. His skin tingling mad after having been denied for so damn long. Tony’s everywhere around him. His big hands gripping Peter’s thighs, nails digging into the skin harshly. Keeping him in place. His hot breath hits his back with each little huff. Tony’s cock presses so deep inside Peter feels the man’s balls against his ass. “Gonna have you make the sweetest sounds, hmm? You gonna show daddy how much you like it when he fucks you like this?” Tony slowly bottoms out, only to slam back in. Repeating the movement faster and faster and faster until Peter’s eyes roll back at the pleasure he’s filled with. Peter’s shot huffed-breaths mingle with his desperate moans, he can’t control himself. Can only surrender to the way Tony makes him feel. Submit.

“Peter,” Tony gasps, the broken voice making him feel floaty and hazy and good. He’s the one that makes Tony fucking lose it. The way it’s supposed to be. The man lets go of his hips, his pace slowing down for a moment. Peter feels how Tony reaches for something, stuffing it underneath them. “Lower your hips.” Peter complies, groaning when his dick touches something soft and fabric-y. What’s- “Gonna make you cum all over my ripped shirts, cucciolo ,” Tony grunts when he keeps pounding into him. “-make you ruin them even more. Knew you were a disastrous little pup from the moment I laid my eyes on you.” Peter can’t even hump the shirts. He just… Has to take what Tony’s giving him. The man’s force makes his cock drag along the torn fabric over and over again. The friction is dizzying, making him take a series of short little gasps. “You’re going to cum just like that, Pete? Humping my shirts without shame?” Tony’s voice is rough and low in his ears, the man hovering over him even more than before and the new angle actually making the man’s dick press into Peter’s G-spot with each thrust. His orgasm is building up so fast, his gut nearly aching after being teased for so long. “You destroyed all these things… Now, sweetness…” Tony’s fingers bruising his hips to hold on for leverage, pounding into Peter as fast as he can. “Ruin yourself.”

Peter’s back arches, his head thrown back as he comes, spilling himself all over the shirts and- there’s a loud ‘Crack!’ when the leash jars through the bedpost, breaking it. The force flings him backwards against the headboard. Another loud splintering sound when both Tony and Peter fly against the wood. Peter gasps loudly, startled by the sudden change of things but Tony laughs, cradling Peter close. The boy’s lying on top of Tony’s chest now, the man rolling them to the side. He doesn’t stop fucking him, though. No. The opposite. “Oh yes baby, fuck, you broke the bed. Holy shit- Peter!” Tony gruns, sucking sweet and passionate lovebites in Peter’s neck, “-fuck, yes, my sweet little bitch. You perfect thing. Oh God. ” Tony’s stammering, his hips rutting into Peter uncontrollably while he grabs and tugs on the leash to make Peter arch more. “Gonna need a bigger box now, don’t we?” Peter huffs out a surprised moan, nodding chuckling at Tony’s quick-witted answer to him breaking their damned bed. The thing is worth a fortune, and- Oh. That would make the man even hornier. Yes, yes yes. “I’m go- Oh, my sweet thing, yes, yes… ” Tony’s composure is completely gone, filthy moans leaving his mouth as his hips start to stutter. “Pete- Pete… Fuck, gonna f-fill you up like the bitch you are. Oh, fuck Pete!” Tony’s entire body surges forward, trembling as he comes inside of Peter. The boy can feel the other man’s cock twitch in his body. Feels how he’s filled up. Like a good little bitch - Peter’s mind provides helpfully, making him moan quietly. He loves the thought alone.

They’re both quiet for a moment as they catch their breaths. Both men come down from their highs after playing around the entire afternoon. At one point, Tony gently slips out of him, going to the bathroom to get a hot washcloth, gently cleaning Peter up. It’s nice. Being taken care of like that. And once both their cum is wiped off his body, he nuzzles into Tony’s embrace. “Hey, Petey,” the man whispers gently. Peter smiles up, eyes glimmering with happiness. “Hey,” he croaks. Tony kisses the top of his head. “How are you feeling?” Peter takes a little moment to tune in with his body before answering his boyfriend. “Sore, but so, so insanely good. Tony that was…” His voice trails off, he doesn’t even know a word to describe it. “So special. I loved it. I truly did.” “Pete…” “Thank you, for showing me. I know how hard it was for you, and… I just- I love you. So much. That was next-level, fuck.” Peter chuckles. “You had me in the headspace within minutes, like, you’re a perfect dom, Tony.” Tony actually blushes at that, a sight Peter barely ever sees. He hugs the boy closer into his chest, closing his eyes in the process. “You allowed me. Peter. I trust you, and you gave it a try even though you had no idea what it was. Fuck- You even came up with that collar… How’d you get that anyway?” Peter grins, chuckling slightly at Tony changing the subject but he rolls with it. “Oh-” he shrugs. “A certain black credit card allowed me to.” “What?” Tony scoffs. “You never buy things with my money!” “I did buy that!” “When?!” “A- A couple months ago! MJ helped me realize I… I like having something around my neck. That sounds bad, wait. I remembered that time you made me wear the bow tie, and well, she sent me some links to good online shops to buy this stuff and… Uh… Yeah?” He stammers, his cheeks flushed. Dammit, being a puppy is way easier.

Tony snorts when he suddenly realizes he could’ve known about this from the start. About two months ago, F.R.I.D.A.Y. had warned him about a ‘notable purchase’ from Peter. Tony, who’d been so excited about the boy finally spending some money decided not to dig into it. “Peter bought it?” “Yes, boss.” “Did it cost more than a 1000 dollars?” “No.” “Good, leave it then. I don’t want to know.” Peter eyes him self-consciously, so Tony pushes the thoughts out of his mind, caressing the kid’s cheeks with his thumbs. It’s quiet for a second and Tony wonders why Peter frowns. “What’s up?” “All this time, I… I thought you didn’t like it. I hoped you’d see the purchase and respond, but… Yeah.” “Oh, sweetness…” Tony’s lifts Peter’s chin up. Forcing him to stare into his eyes when he speaks. “I want to do everything with you, honeybunch .” “That, Mr. Stark, is going to take a lot of time,” Peter chuckles, his fingers softly caress Tony’s skin and the older man smiles down at him. “Oh, caro mio , we got all the time in the world.”

-FIN

---

Masterpost Other: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHOWERING THIS FIC WITH YOUR LOVE <3 We wrote a near 100K in less than a month, and the kudos and comments (AO3) and notes/reblogs (Tumblr) definitely helped keep us motivated!!! <3 You're all so amazing! And if you don't kudo or comment but did like this story, hi! Thank you for loving it too!

We're so sad that this fic has been finished, but figured this would be the perfect end. There will be spin-offs in this world which is now called the 'Ti Amo' series, so keep an eye out for more! Our first spin-off will be called Tempio Di Pietro <3 But there will be more!

Much love, Lien & Kim <3

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totaldramafan-lauri · 4 years ago

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Reflecting (Keep Moving Forward followup)

So, uh....first off.....if you’re reading this, I hope you have a Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it)!

It’s been over a month since I made that vow to keep moving forward.....but it’s been so hard.....It’s getting easier recently, though, as I’ve been able to think clearer.....bit by bit.....

Below is gonna be me venting about stuff that happened, and about myself and the lessons I’ve learned, so if that doesn’t interest you, don’t bother reading. I just.....wanted to....spill things out somewhere, where I’m not forcing people to listen to me.....And hopefully, this’ll be the last post I’ll have about this subject, or at least, one this long....

When it happened.....I was so taken off-guard....I was devastated and worried....and in my fear, I focused on the wrong things.....

I was SO caught up on the fact that....my friends....who I care so much about.....who I liked talking to, and sharing things with, and had such fun with .....were accusing me of hurting them, which was like, one of my worst fears....I was so blindsided by how quickly things went south......from being told that I’m loved, valid, and that I’m not annoying, and I’m fun to be around....s-stuff I wanted to believe.....to suddenly being told that I WAS annoying and obnoxious the entire time, and that I was actually an awful, selfish guilt-tripper who only wanted attention.....And.....that’s.....that’s not me.....

They brought up past events that.....I’d already either apologized for, swore to never do again, or was already made aware of and was trying to dial back on.....A-and that made it worse.....It felt like none of that mattered.....that I was so terrible that I could never truly change for the better, even as I tried to....And the part that hurt the most about the whole thing was not being believed. I didn’t expect them to forgive me, especially not right away.....I just wanted them to believe me....But no one believed me when I apologized again. No one believed me when I told them I didn’t mean any harm to any of them, and said that I’m completely aware of my mistakes, trying to be better, and would try not to repeat any of the crap I did before. Nothing I said was hitting at all, it was like I was just white noise to them.....

And after it was over, I thought about it more, let it sit with me......as I sobbed my face off, of and on, for days.....I hated knowing I hurt my friends, I hated it, hated it.....Thinking about what they were going through around me....Were they really that hurt? Was I really as awful as they said? Am I really incapable of changing and being better? What should I do to make everyone happy? Is it best for them if I wasn’t there anymore? Is it best for everyone? Do I deserve this pain, for everyone’s sake? Is everyone better off if I.....went away.....forever......?

But thankfully.....the tears slowly dried.....Thanks to the friends I still have, I got back on my feet, though it took a bit......And I’ve obviously looked back on everything a LOT.....And as the pain dulled, I started to think clearer....And identify the root causes of my mistakes.

Yes....I did mess up. I’m not the victim here. Just because it hurt, doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to be called out. Everything I said before this was how I felt in the moment, but this is how I feel about it presently:

It’s true that I never wanted to hurt anyone. EVER. I’m one of the least threatening people on the planet. I’m a socially-awkward, anxious mess of a person who struggles with the simplest of things. I’m timid, shy, but once I get comfy, I’ll ramble on, and fangirl....and I get flustered very easily. When I get flustered, I say stupid things. I do stupid things. And.....I'm constantly worrying about being annoying. I never had any hidden agendas to “make everything revolve around me” or anything like that. In fact.....I HATE the feeling of controlling other people (It was actually a running thing that I was the most submissive person in the server). I prefer being a follower to a leader, scared of disappointing people I care for. And I NEVER wanted any more attention than anyone else. I know I’m not important. I was just another fangirl in a server full of them. A server that belonged to everyone equally......Everyone got to be happy, and that’s part of what made it so great.....Every time one of my friends got attention, I’d watch, sure, but I’d never intentionally take away from them. No matter how much I reacted, no matter how flustered I’d get, no matter how many stupid noises I made...If I knew that I was stealing attention, I would’ve tried to step back, but still getting anxious over letting people I care about down.....in case they really DID want to indulge me....

I absolutely hate forcing people to do things they don’t wanna do. Whenever someone does something for me, I want it to be because they WANT to. I’d ask things like “Are you sure?” out of anxiety. This is especially true of RPing. My anxiety over RPing is so bad that I’ll never initiate one. I always want people who RP with me to actively have fun doing it, not because I’m forcing it. I always worry about the people I do it with, and if they’re having fun, or if I’m being a waste of time....And if, at any point, I had picked up on the fact that I was forcing anything, I would’ve backed off right away and apologized.

So, me being called.....m-manipulative....? That hurt....because that’s not me.....and that’s why I.....got so defensive.....

But.....like I said at the start.....I was focusing on the wrong things.

Sure, that one part was a misunderstanding. But who flipping cares? I still messed up. I messed up BADLY. It doesn’t matter if it was intentional or not. I still hurt people I care about, and I still deserved to be called out for it. While it’s true that nothing I did was intentional, they still brought up good points about me that I needed to hear, even if it hurt. After letting everything sit with me for a month, I’m finally able to address it, and put it in text so that I’ll never forget it. I guess.....this is my own callout post to myself.

So....the biggest cause of all of this.....is self-hatred.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I.....don’t really have a high opinion of myself, and I consider everyone who I get attached to to be more deserving of nice things than me. The biggest example is when it comes to Spinel....I’d always be so so self-conscious when thinking about how she’d view me compared to my friends, who are more entertaining, and more deserving of her attention....at least, in my eyes. I wasn’t jealous of the attention they’d get, though (I’d cheer them on), I just looked up to them. At first, this wasn’t a huge problem as a lot of my friends had the same issues. But.....it got worse. Over time, my mind attacked me more and more.....I blamed myself for nearly every uncomfortable or bad situation that would happen.....and started to fear being left out and being alone. This led to situations of me basically going into tangents over how much I hate myself over things that had nothing to do with me. I’d blame myself, over and over again.....

Every single time I would beat myself up over being boring/useless/annoying/etc, my friends were always there, comforting me and making me feel better. But here’s the thing: I started doing this IN THE WRONG PLACES, at THE WRONG TIMES. Like, I would offhandedly mention how I wish I was more like someone else and have to be assured I was fine, during someone else’s moments, because I was an idiot and it didn’t hit me that people would actually stop what they’re doing to talk to me. I can even remember a few times when a friend was having a really bad day, and I would have a mental breakdown over worrying about them, needing to be calmed down. THAT could’ve been kept to myself. Like I said before, I never EVER intended to get special treatment compared to anyone else. But, the way I’d constantly moan about how “It’s all my fault”, “I’m so sorry I’m so annoying”, and especially the constant self-consciousness over Spinel.....All of that.....how every single time, it ended with people comforting me in some way......it was EASY for them to interpret all of that as guilt-trippy. I wasn’t aware of it then, but I can see why people would think that now. I kept doing it, cuz I was so comfortable venting to them that.....I got into a habit of it. In my head, it was just a thing that we all did, not just me. But I had no idea of what I was doing, and how often, until I had to have it spelled out to me......and that’s just....yikes. Luckily, I’ve learned now that there’s a time and a place to vent, and I’ve made a real effort to dial back on my self-deprecating comments, after being called out....but it didn’t matter anymore. It was one case of “I learned my lesson, but I did it so often in the past that no one believes me when I say that.” And I have no one to blame there but myself.....

But I will still take that message to heart, and will try to pass it to others. There’s a time and place to vent your insecurities. Do it in a dedicated space if you can. Don’t do it in a way that brings down the mood, or in any way that could be an interruption.

But that wasn’t the only mistake I made. Oh no no no. It gets even worse. My self-loathing issues have done worse than annoy people and get misinterpreted. I’ve said things that I extremely regret saying.

So.....in.....either late August or early September....around that time, things got a lot more stressful and sad in the server. There was a period where it seemed like every other day, a friend would have some kind of breakdown and leave the server. When someone I care about isn’t feeling well, my worry over them makes me overly-anxious, and....yyyyyyeah, my mind became even meaner to me. Th-the point is, people I cared about were having a hard time, and....I spent a lot of time worrying and stressing over them. I felt helpless.....I wished I could help them and make them feel better, the way they helped me....and, I started overthinking a lot of things, wondering if I was a bad friend.

I was so sick of myself for always saying “I suck at cheering people up besides being a distraction” and using that as an excuse to not do anything....It felt like I was doing the same thing over and over again: worrying about people while being too shy to reach out, and worrying that not reaching out made it seem like I didn’t really care.....

There’s one friend of mine.....who is really good at cheering me up when I’m depressed. He’s done it multiple times. I never ask to be cheered up, but.....he seems to always know what to say. And.....I look up to him. I wanna be a person like that.....a good friend who knows what to say......and......

And so I tried. After a certain point, I decided to stop whining and try reaching out to my friends more. I DMed more often, wrote them things, tried showing them I care. And at first, I thought I was doing the right thing, even if it was outside my comfort zone. It was worth it if I made someone feel just a little bit better while in a bad place.

But....I wasn’t good at it. At all. I was way too anxious to act calmly in those situations, and as a result, most of them.....didn’t go so well. As in, I never, I dunno, thought things through before saying them. Which, when talking to someone emotionally vulnerable, you should ALWAYS DO. I should know! I AM one of those people!

A lot of the time, I.....I struggle to convey my emotions properly. When I’m emotional, I say stupid things without thinking. Sometimes, it’s something that sounded fine in my head, but once I say it or type it out, I realize how wrong it really sounded. One thing about me is that I’ll never take the cheap excuse of “It was the autism’s fault” or “It was the anxiety’s fault”, because....stuff like that sounds so wrong to me. Those things are a part of myself, so blaming them is really just another way of saying that I was wrong. But yes, it’s true that a lot of autistic people suffer from the same social issues that I do. Coming off as insensitive by talking without thinking. This also goes back to what I mentioned earlier about how I act like an idiot when I’m flustered. I get emotional, I stop thinking. That’s all there is to it. And I wish I could just......stop.

While trying to talk to a friend who was going through a hard time, there were occasions where, either out of stress or evil brain jumping to conclusions, I would bring my self-loathing issues into the situation. AGAIN, with the self-loathing in the wrong place at the wrong time! When someone I care about isn’t feeling well, my worry over them makes me overly-anxious. ....I’d try to say “I hope you’re doing OK! We miss you!” and after a bit, it was devolve into “Please please come back, I’m sorry if I did anything wrong, I’m such an awful friend, boohoo”, and......yikes? After this distance, I realize just how badly-worded a lot of the stuff I said was.

Sometimes, I would catch on to what I said really quickly, instantly feel guilty, and delete the message, hoping no one saw it (guess what: that doesn’t change anything if they still saw it), but other times, I was so dang OBLIVIOUS to just how obnoxious I was acting, and needed it spelled out to me.

The ultimate irony is that, in trying to be there for my friends, I was such an emotional wreck that....I ended up coming across as selfish instead. The exact opposite of my intention.

I wanted to be like my friend, and failed. All cuz I let my own feelings get in the way.

Whenever I’d be called out on something, I’d apologize. And afterward, I’d do my very best to never repeat my mistakes. After being called out for sticking my nose in where I wasn’t wanted, I stopped initiating DMs with anyone who didn’t wanna talk, and made extra careful to double-check things I said. I was extra cautious about everything, scared of messing up again.

And....it seemed like my apologies were accepted, and things were fine again. But.....there came a point where it’d just been.....enough.

The damage was done. The conclusions about me were made. And my reaction - getting defensive over a misunderstanding instead of actually focusing on the fact that good points were made about me - didn’t help matters.

I poured my heart and soul apologizing to them, swearing over and over again that I learned my lesson. And.....almost no one believed me. Because I messed up THAT badly. Everything that came out of my mouth was taken as a sob story. And the feeling of not being believed and trusted anymore hurt so badly that I......shattered. I broke down.....

But now, thinking clearly, I see the full picture better. I see the truth behind the misunderstanding, and boil everything down to the core issues that I can focus on improving.

Sure, I’m not manipulative, and I’ll take those words to my grave. But I was still oblivious, annoying, invasive, and my self-loathing was a MAJOR problem that I let leak into too many conversations. It got to the point where it came off as guilt-trippy and attention-seeking. I can’t deny that anymore. That’s how people saw it. Sure, it was never intentional, but no more sugar-coating.

My biggest problems were: 1. The self-loathing problems, and 2. The obliviousness of what I was doing and how it made people feel. Those are the core issues. Everything else can be traced back here.

And.....that’s everything. All my self-reflecting, summed up here. A reminder of my mistakes.

I’m so sorry.....for everything I did. I’m working on it.....I promise. Thank you for letting me know.

This is the kind of apology I should’ve given them.....Properly self-aware, not that overdramatic mush....

.....I was never mad at them for saying those things. Even when the wounds were fresh, I was never mad at them, only myself and the situation.....I didn’t wanna hate them, I wanted to make things right.....And.....M-maybe it’s me being weak, but.....I still think the world of them now. I still think of them as my friends.....Especially now, when I can look back and try to understand why they did it. They were hurt, and they were only doing what was best for them......And I hope they’re all happy now that it’s taken care of. Cuz....they deserve to be happy.

I know that all I can really do is talk about how I feel, and give my side of the story, but I’ve still thought a lot about what they must have felt.....How hurt they were, what they thought, and if it was hard to do.....I can never truly know without communicating. And, for the sake of their privacy, and not bringing up specific details, I won’t put words in anyone’s mouth. This is mainly about my feelings, because that’s all I can share. But yes, this isn’t the whole story.

Sure, it still sucks, knowing that without some kind of magic lie detector, I can never truly prove that I never wanted to use or hurt anyone, and that I really did care about them so much.....but I have to live with it. This is the price I have to pay.

And through the experience, I learned important lessons that I’ll keep close to my heart.

Back when the wounds were fresh, I was blaming every little thing about me, trying to find justification that I was unlovable trash and didn’t deserve happiness. I blamed things that weren’t at fault at all, or that I have no control over, like preferences and squicks.....anything that could’ve been annoying people all along......But, I think I finally got it straightened out now.

My feelings for Spinel aren’t at fault here. (After all, I wasn’t the only one who had them) While my ramblings about not feeling worthy of her attention, and the stupid things I’d say when flustered over her, caused some issues, those things stem from personal faults of mine that have always been there. My self-loathing would still be just as bad if she wasn’t there. I’d just be directing it at something or someone else. So, no, I’m not forcing myself to get over her. I don’t blame her. Thinking about her brings me comfort still, after all this time....and I don’t wanna let that go. I can improve as a person, and still.....l-love her.....

No, I learned what I REALLY have to change, and have already made the steps to do so. I’ve made new rules for myself. I’ve started internalizing my self hatred and anxiety more instead of oversharing it. I only vent my issues in private places, or on here, where I’m not forcing people to read my crap. I’m DONE with forcing anyone to listen over and over again about how I hate myself, and.....how I’m now in this endless cycle of hating myself FOR hating myself.....it’s a lose-lose situation either way. Point is, no more of those self-loathing tangents unless it’s called for.

And other things, too......I’ve been extra careful about RPing, I’ve been extra careful about joining conversations, and.....about everything, really. Especially DMing. Now more than ever, I’m scared of forcing people to pay attention to me....I’m worried about coming off the wrong way. When someone pays attention to me, I don’t want it to be forced. I wanna believe I deserve it. If I ever deserve anything.....(And finally, one last minor change: I’ll no longer voice chat unless I’m muted. My voice is seriously obnoxious, especially when flustered, to the point where I’ll unintentionally insert myself into conversations just by making stupid noises in the background. I’m too loud. SCREW my voice. I hate my voice. No more.)

And, as the past month or so has gone on, and I’ve slowly recovered, and gotten past this period of self-reflection.....I’ve started talking to people again, slowly regaining the confidence to do so.....while keeping my new rules in mind. And, I’m happy to say that I haven’t messed up.....yet. Don’t wanna jinx it. But yeah.....maybe I really have improved.....

And.....for the past couple weeks.....I’ve been......happy? Well, the happiest I’ve been since that day. I’m no longer miserable, and I’m in good spirits. That’s good, cuz it means that I’m not bothering people!

So....I’m optimistic. Maybe that’s a bad thing.....but at the moment, it doesn’t feel that way.

In the near future, I.....I do wanna reach out to the friends I hurt. I wanna try apologizing one last time. Maybe that’s me not wanting to let go, but.....I really care for them, and we had so much fun together......It felt like we made each other happy, before everything got bad.....I don’t wanna feel like everything we ever did was because I was awful.....the whole time.....I don’t want the memories to be tainted.....

But.....I’m scared to go back right now......I’m scared of messing it up by getting emotional again. If they don’t forgive me, that’s fine. That’s their choice to make. But I at least want them to believe me.....and if that doesn’t happen, then it’s my fault again.

So....yeah.....I do wanna go back and give it one last try.....but later, when I’m SURE I’m ready. For now, as long as I feel like there’s a part of me that’s gonna get all dramatic and moody, I’m not ready. Cuz I wanna push that part of me away. No more pity parties. No more....no more talking over them. I’ll let them beat into me if it’ll make them feel better......and I’ll be happy to be forgiven, if that’ll make them feel better.

Either way, I don’t want it to end like this....but......is it selfish to want closure? Cuz, even if I don’t get forgiveness.....at least give me that. At least let me end this on a respectful note. Cuz....I don’t wanna be a coward. I don’t wanna just.....move on without taking the steps to fix the situation, especially with the people that were there for me so often......

Geez, this got long......sorry if you read all of this. I just.....wanted to put this all somewhere......TLDR: I’m so incredibly sorry for everything I’ve ever done, and I’m taking the steps I can to improve myself and become a better person. It’s not easy, and I’ll never forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made.....but I’ll try to get there somehow.

Keep moving forward......

#im intentionally keeping details about specific events vague for privacy purposes #cuz i am NOT in a position to reveal anything more #i just wanna vent #i dont wanna attack people (other than myself) and i dont wanna over dramatize anything #these are just my raw feelings and thats it #thats my disclaimer #venting

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alaina-achilles · 4 years ago

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challenge one

((sorry for the kinda short fic haha, I’m getting crazy busy with assignment deadlines smh. anyways thanks for the nice rp anna @arin-schreave. and love our rps as usual ana!! @itssara-oc @itzelbm-oc ))

The etiquette lesson was… uneventful. And I certainly was not ready to be thrown on so much information so early in the morning. Especially with an empty stomach. Luckily I’ve got that covered and ate a packet of oreos in my room before going out. And I’m also lucky I know most of the basics thanks to the gatherings my sisters and I are often forced to attend. My maids were really nice and they did my hair nicely and I opted for a simple and formal dress for the interview.

The interview.

I sigh as I think about it. To be honest, I’m quite… nervous. I've had many interviews in my life before and my mom has certainly prepared me well for each and every one of them. It’s not the cameras that worry me - I’ve had a few interviews with them before on my book and career… It’s the prince. I’m so used to knowing the interviewee well (by doing my research, of course) that I often know just what to say to please them and make them like me. But I know none of that about the prince.

I sigh and bite my lip and turn around to walk to the food when I see the girl I was hoping to see for the entire morning.

“Hey!” I say as a way of greeting. My friend looks up, sees me and immediately smiles.

“Achi!” I smile at the sound of my new nickname. Sara quickly pulls me into a hug. “that quick etiquette class was something…” she lowers her voice. “I'm sure I wasn't the only one who can feel the tense atmosphere.”

“I know what you mean... I’m glad I already know the basics... how are we supposed to learn all of that in one go” I agree with her, shaking my head as I feel sorry for those who have never learnt any of that before. We talk more about the class and decide to start piling food onto my plate. I hope nobody heard my stomach growl.

“You know I'm so tempted to ask to switch seats but I know it probably won't be the best idea.” Sara says as we groan about how far each other are.

I giggle at the thought of Sara asking another girl to switch seats. “yeah, i guess it’ll be a good chance for us to meet new people…” I frown as I stress about how I haven’t actually met anyone else yet. “Have you met any other girls yet?”

Sara chuckles. “I guess you can say that.” She cocks her head to the side and sighs “I've said a few words to some of them but I'm not sure anyone clicked with me like you. How about you?”

I smile at her words. “yeahh I havent really too…” I say with a shake of my head as I think of how I spent the whole night talking to my sisters instead of socializing. I turn to the drink selection and widen my eyes in awe. “I never knew there are SO many types of milk!”

“Ah milk something I wish I could drink but I'm lactose in tolerant” Sara replies with a giggle. “Anyway look at all the food. I'm just hoping to enjoy my time here!” She smiles, but for some reason, it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I don't feel like I'll last one. First of all the prince isn't in my opinion really aware that this is a selection, he has 35 girls hoping to ask for his hand in marriage. Second of all, as someone who was once thinking of marrying the so called love of my life I know he's not completely over his ex, and third there is going to be a lot of drama.”

I cock my head to the side as I think about her words, not expecting that. “Yeah I know what you mean... The prince doesn't seem happy at all.” I sigh. “I honestly don't know what to do with the interview later... hopefully he’ll find someone he can love and be happy about”

She shrugs in response. “I don't know how I'll introduce myself. I could smile and lie or tell him what I really think.” She bites her lip. “I really do hope he finds someone among these girls to make him happy. Or at least someone who would even remotely fall in love with him despite possibly being a rebound. Anyway, do you know who's gonna be at your table? Anyone you wanna be friends with?”

I nod at her words. “That’s true... I think I’d give him one chance, the interview, to see who he really is…” I say with a smile. Sometimes I forget that this selection goes both ways too. I’m not the only one who has to be liked by the prince. “I’m not sure but I think Itzel’s on my table... I haven't met her yet but she was sitting near me during the etiquette class so yeah. You?”

“I wish I could but I myself am in a similar situation as him. And I feel awful I took a place of someone who would have tried harder. Or at least wanted this. Anyways, I'll be cheering for you!!” She says with a smile. “What kind of vibes does she give? She seems cold and intimidating to me. Jen and Andromeda, and a couple more. They seems nice. I just hope I'll be able to make small talk.”

I thank her with a smile. “And I hope you also find the one you love and loves you back... “ I pause as I think about her question. “Itzel... I don’t know, she seems like a bit cool and we didn't say much just now. Hopefully some good food will cheer her up!”

We continue chatting about Itzel and other stuff as we continue to fill our plate. We finally decide to finish our conversation to go and enjoy our food after a short while. I tell her good luck with finding new friends.

She nods and gives me thumbs up. “I will try my best, Achi.” For some reason, I feel like she’s acting a bit off, but I brush it off as nerves from the interview. But as we walk away, I turn back around and mouth “thanks bun” to which she smiles in response. I sigh and look at my plate of food happily as I walk back to my table.

“Hi, Itzel, right?” I say to the girl near me.

She smiles politely, nodding in acknowledgement. “Hello and you are correct, I am Itzel.” She hums in thought as she looks at me. “I am trying hard to remember names and faces, I am bad at this so I am sorry for not quite knowing. I believe your name starts with an A, right?”

I brighten up at her guess. “Yup!! I’m Alaina!” I look at my plate. “How’s the food?” Food is always a good topic to start off.

She chuckles. “Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Alaina. It is delicious. There's quite a few things that are new to me so I'm very happy right now.. You'll enjoy the food very much. Are you excited to meet the Prince after this?”

I smile at her reply and take a bite of my food and widen my eyes. “this IS good!!” I laugh. “ I am! And also quite nervous”

We continue to talk more and I learn that Itzel is into neuroscience.

“Wow neurology and neuroscience... I did a few psychology courses in uni and I struggled so badly with the neuro stuff.” I tell her truthfully with a laugh. “You are one brave girl for wanting to do that.”

Itzel turns out to be super nice as we get to know each other. She also helped calm my nerves as we finished our lovely breakfast. I make a mental note to tell Sara about it.

“Anyway, let your other friend know I'm not THAT bad. I could see her shake every time she looked at me.” Itzel tells me as we stand up, seeming to have read my mind.

“I definitely will!! And good luck on your interview with the prince!” I tell her with a laugh. She smiles and wishes the same to me and soon we are ushered into a waiting room. I look around to find Sara, but can’t see her as I scan the room a few times. I shake my head, she’s probably touching up in the bathroom. I sigh and before I can even choose a new girl to talk to, I’m called into the room.

I take a deep breath and hold my head high like Mom always tells us to as I step into the room filled with cameras. I smile at the cameras and try to keep my walking natural and elegant.

You can do this.

And if all goes wrong, blame your sister. She caused all of this anyways.

I hide my smile at the silly thought and turn my focus to the gorgeous guy that is the prince. While I may not know the prince well, one thing I know for sure. He is definitely good-looking. Despite the lack of a er genuine smile. He must not have been taught acting in his education. I think with a giggle as I keep my smile intact. I don’t miss him looking at my name tag. And I guess, he also didn’t take the time to learn our names.

“Good morning, Lady Alaina, please have a seat.” He says formally, motioning to the sofa.

“Good morning, your highness.” I say with a smile before pausing in slight anxiety. Do I curtsy or…? I decide to quickly bob into one before sitting down hastily. I can instantly hear my mom’s voice in my head.

Be professional, Alaina. Stop with the fidgeting nonsense. You’re a lady, Alaina. And don’t ever drop that smile. You know that’s one of your best physical traits.

Prince Arin sits down next to me gracefully and angles his body towards me. “How are you doing this morning?”

A simple and straight-forward question.

I place my hand on my lap as my mom has taught me to since I was a little kid. “I’m good. I met some of the other girls and that was quite interesting-” I answer. “And also what you’ve been doing the whole morning.” I add with a laugh. “How’s yours?”

He nods at me. “It’s going well, thank you. Did you sleep well?” I vaguely remember some random guy saying their morning had been bad but now that they’ve met me, theirs is perfect. I almost laugh at the memory.

Focus, Alaina.

“I didn't sleep for very long as I was busy talking to my sisters.” I tell him truthfully as I smile fondly at the thought of my sisters. “But the sleep is good, the bed is really comfy!”

He nods. “I’m glad you were able to speak with them. Big changes can be difficult.” His eyes go to the cameras then back to me. I wonder what is he thinking. Does he wish for them to be gone like I do? I wonder if he is different when away from the cameras. I catch myself almost frowning at the thought but quickly smooths my face back to the perfect smile. “Which province are you from?”

“Atlin.” Then I decide to try to make him smile. My friends laugh a lot at this alliteration. “Alaina Achilles of Atlin.”

He does not smile. “And what do you do in Atlin?” I almost frown again as I realize how factual his questions are. All of them should be written in my profile or something…

Maybe it’s all just for the cameras.

“I just got my degree and was in the process of finding a job. I ended up deciding to give writer another try.”

He nods again. “What kind of writing do you do?”

“Fiction…” I look a bit embarrassed as I think about my published book that I’m not very proud of. It was definitely not my best work. I sigh and lower my voice so that only he can hear. “Okay fine, y’all prolly have had people stalked us thoroughly so no point in hiding this... “ I say then louder “I wrote and published a book a few years ago.”

He does not just nod at this! “Oh.” He pauses as his head bobs. “What kind of book? I didn’t read your files so I’m not up to speed on your accomplishments.”

Guess the questions aren’t just for the cameras then.

I almost scoff at his choice of words. “Accomplishments” make this really sound like a job interview. Perhaps it is, in a way. So instead I act surprised and look down as I realize I have to tell him about my book in front of cameras. Not like the media doesn’t know about this already. “it’s a um teen romance…”

“I haven’t read any books from that genre but I’m sure it must be wonderful. Being published is an accomplishment.”

Accomplishment.

“It’s not... it’s a cheesy book written by a sixteen year old…” I peeks at him through my eyelashes. “I’m sure you’re gonna laugh if u ever came across it.”

And for the first time, he actually shakes his head instead of nodding it. “I tend to stick to non fiction so I think you’re safe.” He finishes with a weird expression that looks suspiciously like a ghost of a smile. I soften as I realize how much this is bugging him as it’s bugging me and decide to laugh it off to ease the tension.

“Well it’s actually called “the bad boy ruined my project” so I’m not really worried. Do you like reading?”

“I do, if I can find the time. Your book sounds like something my sister would enjoy.” He looks a teeny bit more relaxed as we talk about something less er formal.

I nod. “Well, then I’ll recommend it to her when I see her. Any favorite genres?”

“I’ll read mostly anything.” I almost roll my eyes at his answer that tells me nothing about him. He glances over at his watch then looks back to me. “Thank you for speaking with me this morning, Lady Alaina, it’s been a pleasure.” He says as he stands up. “I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay.”

I instantly nod and stand up as well, relieved that this is finally over. “Thank you for your time, your highness. The pleasure’s mine.” I tell him with a smile as I awkwardly bob another curtsy. “You too.” I say as he just looks at me without any expression at all. I hold back a sigh and smile at the cameras again and give them a little wave as I walk back out of the room.

I take a deep breath the moment I step out of my room. I really need to talk to someone. That interview was… nothing that I ever had before. I think about going back into the waiting room, but I really am not in the mood of making small talk with other girls. So I decide to go back into my room. Since I’m one of the first few girls to have finished the interview, the halls should be nice and quiet.

As I walk up the stairs to my room, I hear a bit of hushing and then a closing of a door followed by the sound of the door locking. I ignore the sound as I walk past the first two rooms to my room. As I walk past Sara’s room. I pause. There seems to be someone else in the room with her… But I know for sure, she isn’t due to have her interview until later…

I shake my head and decide she has probably met a new friend. Despite myself, I can’t help but feel a bit sad. Even Sara’s making new friends, probably someone she enjoys the company of over me since I haven’t been to her room before. What am I doing here? I ask myself as I walk into my own room and unzip my dress.

Not bothering to pull my dress off, I reach for my phone and call my sisters.

#challenge #selection oc #alaina #sara #itzel #arin

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svmmerdays · 4 years ago

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( 01 / muse 2 / cis male & he/him ) contrary to what the campers might tell you, that’s not timothee chalamet. that’s kc thain! this is their 6th year working here and they’re a counselor. they’re 23, and i just found out during ice breakers they’re a sagittarius. at first they might seem pretty oblivious, but they’re actually really creative. when they have down time, you can usually catch them getting high on the roof. try to get to know them for yourself this summer!

MEET THE MUN. i expect i’ll be able to solve a lot of my problems once my baby brain falls out & my adult brain grows in

hello all, my name is pepper and i have never been on time for anything in my life skjsdkj i feel like all my intros start that way but it’s simply a fact, i cannot tell time. that said i just got off from work so !!! this time i have a bit of an excuse. but omg Anyways, i am v excited for this rp, like i’ve already said in the gc,,, your girls never been to camp so i am LIVING FOR THIS! a bit about me ~cAmP tHEMED~ kinda, i have never actually gone camping but i really wanna go glamping one time so hit me up if you’re interested, whenever i am in the wilderness bugs like to try to fly directly into my eyes and idk why although i do have a theory i was an exterminator in a past life or something and now they’re getting their revenge for the their fallen ancestors yk?? i hate marshmallows because when i was like six some girl told me that gelatin was made of horse hooves and i believed her and i have not really eaten a marshmallow since with the exception of the one time i microwaved a smore in my microwave when i was like eight? but then again when i was really young i used to think god looked like king triton so i’m a gullible hoe y’all i’ll believe anything. but okay i think that’s enough, moving on to the man of the hour, kronk child thain!

BIO. what do people do when they’re not stoned? drug tw !

kc was an accident. and honestly, he was probably a bit too aware of that way too early. to start, when kc was conceived kc’s father was married to his mother’s best friend. and well, that’s not usually the kind of thing that you do on purpose. furthermore kc was conceived in a bounce house at his half older brother’s first birthday party. again, not the kind of thing you plan. you might ask how and why kc knows this information, and that would be the third reason why kc knows with absolute surety he was an accident. because his mother has been telling him all of this frankly intimate and scarring information with absolutely no shame pretty much from the moment kc could comprehend the words coming out of her mouth, and honestly likely before that. and well, that isn’t exactly the behavior of a woman who planned to have kids is it. at least not in kc’s mind.

frankly moira thain has been treating kc like more than a pet than a son pretty much from the moment kc can remember. she didn’t treat him badly by any means. she just wasn’t really a mom. she was a weird older friend who whined until kc made her breakfast and left for days on end to go to music festivals. she was the kind of friend who teased you ruthlessly rather than offering any good advice and embarrassed you just for fun. the kind of friend who shrugged when you asked them for help with your homework and who none of your other friends (or their parents) really liked. honestly, she was kind of a bad friend if kc was honest but he doesn’t know what else to compare her to. for a long, long time his mother, as unusual as she was, was all he had. that was until kc was about seven and he didn’t even have that anymore.

when kc was seven a lot of shit went down at once. to start, his mother nearly overdosed, and that was the big thing. it was a traumatizing experience overall as that kind of thing would be for a seven year old, but kc would like to think he handled it like a champ. called the police, made sure his mother didn’t choke on her own vomit, and all that. but CPS was called and kc was promptly shipped out to live with a father had never met, which went as well as could be expected (refer to how and when kc was conceived above). kc stayed with them for all of six months, but well, all kc really had to do was breathe to completely ruin their marriage. even if kace was a bit dull at times even he understood that. so he wasn’t surprised when 'the boys trip’ his father took him on ended up just being a complicated ruse to dump him at his grandfather’s house for as long as he could get away with. considering it was near the end of the school year, it was a while.

now at that point as you can imagine kc was pretty drained emotionally. his mother was officially in rehab. his dad didn’t want him around. his stepmother and half siblings treated him like some kind of leper. and all of this happened within less than a year. that’s a lot for anyone to take let alone a seven year old. little kc was filled to the brim with a lot of emotions he didn’t know what to do with so for the most part he had shut down. barely spoke unless spoken to. very rarely smiled or expressed any sort of emotion really. his grandfather played a big part in fixing that.

grandpa thain lived in a cottage in the forest and worked for a camp not too far from his cabin. he dealt with the upkeep of the grounds during the school year as well as some handyman duties when needed. and for the most part he dragged his grandson along with him as his ‘assistant’. which mostly meant that kc pulled out the weeds his grandfather told him to or passed him the tools he asked for. just simple things like that. but to kc’s surprise he really liked it. he also really liked living with his grandfather in the middle of nowhere and being able to hear the birds in the morning or take naps in fields.

kc’s father paid for his first summer at dagwood. his half siblings came to the camp as well, in fact they had been coming longer than kc had. however, at the end of the summer, unlike his eager half siblings, kc didn’t want to leave again. dagwood had become this safe have for him of sorts, a place where he was slowly able to heal at his own pace, and he knew the moment he went back to his father’s house he would be returning to an environment he was unwanted. his grandfather made it so he didn’t have to return at all by offering to take kc in permanently.

it took some time and a lot of legal paperwork but kc’s grandfather ended up becoming his legal guardian. his grandfather home schooled him to the best of his capability during the school year, and during the summer’s kc attended camp dagwood and helped out his grandfather in whatever way he could. he continued to do so even after he turned eighteen, even going as far as to help out in between the online art school classes that he decided to take on a whim. his grandfather regretfully had to retire from dagwood, after working every day since the camps opening day. he retired with a lot of pride and kc is really proud of him honestly, and he has every plan to take his grandfather’s place once he gets promoted from counsellor. his grandfather insists that he doesn’t need to, and that he wants kc to do whatever he wants to do but kc is too stubborn and loyal to hear any of it. he’s determined to continue the legacy his grandfather is so proud of, and stay at the place that brought him so much comfort and peace, even though honestly it’s probably not the best thing for him. it’s honestly probably time for kc to move on to bigger and better things but he hasn’t realized that yet so until then, dagwood it is.

PERSONALITY. me as a hotel receptionist: *greets guests by playing hotel california but cutting it off right before they say california*

LOYAL. listen if you’re kc’s friend he would die for you and that’s just a fact. he is honestly loyal to fault. he will screw himself over for his friends because he’s dumb. theyt won’t even ask him to do it! he’ll do it anyways! he’s a fool

STUBBORN. not in an obvious way like generally kc is very flexible, go with the flow? will generally not hold an opinion in most arguments and is pretty happy to follow rather than lead. but when it comes to things that kc is passionate about?? oof. a bulldozer couldn’t move him. he’s a pain in the ass.

OBLIVIOUS. he’s a fool. kc will be the last one to know about his own damn feelings. kc will be the last one to know about anyone else’ feelings too. it could be so obvious. SO SO DAMN OBVIOUS, and yet kc??? has no idea. he’s that scene from juno where juno’s like ‘i like you’ and michael cera’s like ‘as a friend?’ jkdsdjk

CREATIVE. the only thing kc’s good at is creating things. he can make pretty much anything if he puts his mind to it. probably makes his own clothes honestly. can mend and repair yours. just as a weird brain tbh, if you ever want a different perspective on something go to kc because he’ll say something so wild sdjkdfkj

COMPASSIONATE. a kind boy tbh. wouldn’t hurt a fly. catches spiders in his hands and takes them outside. is a vegetarian. will listen to your problems any time and at least offer help even if he has no idea what to do.

LAZY. will fall asleep standing up with his eyes open. has fallen asleep on buses and ended up in different states. is terrible when it comes to getting up in the morning. eats his breakfast half asleep every day. like he’s a hard worker when it comes down to it, but if the options are playing with the campers or taking a nap in a warm patch of sun kc knows what he’s choosing... honestly kc is good with little kids but he would vastly prefer his grandfathers job, cause his gramps just worked by himself for the most part, and working with kids is so much more exhausting rip.

HEADCANNONS. you’re in her dms im daydreaming about her on public transport we are not the same.

loves all branches of art honestly, is also a big fan of music. can play the guitar, the drums and bass, all skills he mostly picked up on his own while being home schooled by his grandfather. tends to be rather humble about it but he’s actually pretty talented. will play the acoustic guitar by the campfire, is one hundred percent that guy

when doing art activity counselling kc has the energy of that one pottery guy from tiktok always. like that’s kc straight up.

has a bunch of tattoos that are mostly doodles that he made himself, sometimes doodles his friends have made too if he likes them enough. will put pretty much anything on body and tends to think of it as his canvas. wants to be that old man covered head to toe in tats by the time he’s ninety.

has been stung by wasps on fourteen different occasions over the years. literally kc has been stung every summer since he’s come here and it’s pretty much tradition at this point. like he hates it, but if too long goes by without him being stung he starts to get paranoid.

loves to climb things like trees and buildings. chills out in the branches/on top of roofs a LOT. would be the guy to fall asleep in a hammock and get a mustache drawn on his face by the campers. honestly that has probably happened.

jewish! kc’s religion wasn’t really a big part of his life when he was living with his mother but by the time he moved in with his grandfather that changed. they go to the synagogue together and everything even if it’s a bit out of the way.

might be narcoleptic honestly. is sleeping 99% of the time. if you don’t know where kc is check his bed tbh

will never tell anyone what kc stands for honestly, he thinks it’s amusing for people to guess. will answer to any version of k____ c____ you call him though. also accepts kace which is just a nickname for a pair of initials but skjsdm still he will answer to it

a hard worker even if he doesn’t look it. weirdly functional while working high? kc is one of those people who you never know is high cause he just acts as he normally does for the most part.

that said he is the most focused and like alert when drawing or painting or doing anything with his hands. takes his art incredibly seriously. has probably drawn up a mural for the camp, and literally stayed up three days and three nights to do it. very talented but doesn’t really think he’s talented enough to do anything with it? could get into art school if he tried, but he’s too loyal to ever leave his grandfather or the camp behind to do it.

very good at wood working surprisingly. this boy will make you a sexy ass chair. honestly kc is one of the those frustrating people who like you show him how to do something creative one time and he’s got it, his brain has tapped into it, he remembers. but don’t worry, give him one math problem and he completely shuts down sdkjsdjk

hates wearing shoes. will take his shoes off the moment he has the opportunity. straight up leaves his shoes places and then’ll be like ??? fuck where did i put those ???

can cook surprisingly well. makes bomb weed brownies but like just in general kace makes good food. always forgets to grocery shop until his fridge is empty though

dresses like a hippie. his general aesthetic makes it look like he was in nineties movie. wears wire rimmed glasses because they were his grandfather’s and he’s too broke to buy new frames. most hipsters see him and are like !!! cause they think he’s one of them but kc knows nothing about movies or coffee or like... anything but art really so they’re pretty quickly disappointed.

used to have hella long hair when he was younger, like he was usually picked on for looking kind of girly because of it. didn’t really care that much, or at least convinced himself he didn’t really care that much eventually. was glad when he got home schooled though cause at least then he didn’t have to deal with that anymore,

has a scar through his eyebrow from when he fell out of a tree his first summer.

has several ear piercings.

i forgot to mention, kc’s mother used to be a drug dealer before her overdose but he doesn’t really know what she does now. he doesn’t talk to her very often but he talks to his dad even less. whenever his mom contacts him it’s cause she’s gotten out of rehab and needs money. kc will usually give it to her because he’s soft.

WANTED CONNECTIONS. it takes me 3-7 business days to process my feelings

i am so tired so we’re doing this in a blob but i would love LOVE some exes from summers past, some ex flings, his first bf/gf, idk his first kiss would also be cool, someone who hates him like maybe an enemy or an old rival of some sort? an old stupid rivalry from when they were campers that they still can’t let go of now? just sayin. uh, an fwb or ewb situation maybe, another childhood friend would be cute, an opposites attract situation like i would love for kc to have a dynamic with someone who really has their shit together yk like completely different from his sleepy ass, a smoking buddy maybe! a family friend! godsibling! first love! someone who kc accidentally set on fire with a flaming marshmallow when they were thirteen! anything and everything please and thank you.

#dagwoodintro #this... took so long rip #and yet i want another muse #icb dkjdkj #this is also a mess but w/e

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