#cause i genuinely dont find him all that hot or anything (full respect to the Kiryu Enjoyers yall are unhinged about him nothing but respec

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

Why do I seem to find Kiryu more attractive when I'm seeing him get his shit rocked

[punkscowardschampions]

Edie & Liam

aleeunayzhun: anyone else think the ‘monster’ addition was totally unnecessary and has taken away from what was a mildly intriguing ARG concept beforehand?

aleeunayzhun: 🙄 back on the trail for a new rabbithole to fall down

level26: Yeah, axed it for me

aleeunayzhun: the paranormal route can be alright if it’s done right but usually it ain’t and then it’s a cop-out, PM definitely didn’t think where they were going with this

aleeunayzhun: the ones that rely on the real world but twist it are always scarier to me, no one ever has the balls to stick with it, to not throw in some bullshit ghost jumpscares to get the idiots with

level26: creepypasta is where it ends up with barely no exceptions

aleeunayzhun: mhmm

aleeunayzhun: and no one has shanked their mate over anything on there in time

level26: got a few I’ll volunteer if the next 🐇 is more of this or promo again

aleeunayzhun: If one more shitty band thinks throwing out some binary or morse code makes them any less shit, I’ll join you

level26: dednah tfel neve t'nia ylbaborp yeht

aleeunayzhun: imij erew yeht hsiw yeht

level26: ��💔🍆💔🎸💔

aleeunayzhun: 💔 they reckon hot groupies hang about on reddit

level26: trolls are their groupies, they can only be fuelled by edgy r/hate 🤘

aleeunayzhun: awh, r/hate is only a degree away from r/love after-all

level26: just like that, a plotline that’d be less crap than [whatever this ARG we’re slagging off is called]

aleeunayzhun: not gonna start my annoying beg promo in here quite yet but how hard was that, really

level26: us both being spam bots is still a better twist than the monster did it

aleeunayzhun: Привет, дорогая, хочешь увидеть мои сексуальные фотки? Hажмите ссылку СЕЙЧАС! [‘Hello dear, do you want to see my sexy pictures? Click the link NOW!’ And a link to god knows what lmao]

level26: NO soundcloud rapper link?! 💀 what an r/cockblock

aleeunayzhun: how’d you guess 😏

level26: my paranormal powers kicked in, clicking that link must’ve leveled me up

aleeunayzhun: advert for communism? 🤔🤫

level26: find me and my sick beats on r/motherrussia

aleeunayzhun: MK Ultra is definitely taken by about 1000 other shit DJs

aleeunayzhun: and is the poorly executed plot of several other ARGs I’ve also given up on

level26: KM Extra is my personal fave shit DJ, really doing something

aleeunayzhun: the fact I genuinely know who that is 😷😷

level26: I noclipped into his set at [somewhere she would have heard of even if she’s not been] talk about an eldritch location

aleeunayzhun: you must’ve felt like the only player in a crowd of NPCs 🧟‍♀️🧠💀🧟‍♂

level26: close enough to the review I would’ve left

aleeunayzhun: I’ll leave it

aleeunayzhun: I know the coordinates

level26: I’ll 👀 out for it

level26: you on moscow standard time or one of the other 10?

aleeunayzhun: I’m the Russian spy, I hack you, comrade

level26: ❤️ tôi cũng cam kết với chính nghĩa cộng sản ❤️ [with some link to the Communist Party of Vietnam because we’re saying we’re as committed to communism]

aleeunayzhun: [links to the Communist Party of Ireland to be like obvs we have both worked out we’re actually from here

level26: cracked the code, like, full props to KM Extra

aleeunayzhun: Only in Dubo would that shit fly

level26: they’d eat his head off outside the pale, yeah, galway’d be having none of it

aleeunayzhun: what they got but a bunch of rocks though

level26: easy pick for the murder weapon

aleeunayzhun: you’d never get far enough in the guinness factory to drown someone in a vat 💔

level26: could do if you got a job as manager and closed for essential maintenance

aleeunayzhun: 💡

aleeunayzhun: won’t do no harm to the taste

level26: iron boost if he’s bleeding heavily when he goes in

aleeunayzhun: delicious and nutritious

level26: ARG coming soon from guinness

aleeunayzhun: bastards better give credit

level26: they can have it, we’re not short of ideas

aleeunayzhun: and you ain’t heard nothing yet

aleeunayzhun: not making it that easy for the wannabe PMs with none of their own

aleeunayzhun: 🔐the real ones

level26: fair play, given enough freebies out in this thread

aleeunayzhun: 🤐

aleeunayzhun: [later on though definitely some way to contact her privately but in a way that you’ve got to work it out of course]

level26: [at least then we can switch to y’all’s names ‘cause I can’t think of a username for the life of me lol]

Edie: [You can add it later and change it, it’s fine lol]

Liam: 🔓

Edie: 1 🔑 for 1 💎

Edie: Suitably impressed

Liam: if I knew anywhere that loaded a 💎 into the gun I’d be off but what’s impressive about a swollen and green ear

Edie: Impressive, no; but good footage for the game? Absolutely

Liam: I’d do it here to have time to mess about with all the lighting and angles

Edie: you’re 🎥

Edie: not enough have actual artistic merit so fair play

Liam: but thinking about it, recording the conveyor belt of a trainee stabbing holes in screaming babies ears all day could have some merit to it, maybe I should get myself up

Edie: you can buy anything and everything from bezos

Edie: live your dreams

Liam: putting my dreams on tape would be worse than the monster reveal

Liam: cheapest jumpscares and effects

Edie: not to mention outing yourself to the whole thread, not just me

Liam: how many teachers would crawl out the woodwork if there was a mass reveal

Edie: to offer you the school’s stellar mental health services

Edie: the one nurse phoning it in

Liam: find my dad lurking on the thread too, that’d be a trip

Edie: unexpectedly wholesome

Edie: I’ll start hiding caches where my dad hides his stashes

Edie: unintentional rhyme

Liam: bars 🎼

Edie: @ KM Extra

Liam: Fachtna to his ma who thinks he’s a saint

Edie: Oof

Edie: ARG concept no. ? the horror of the Irish language

Liam: my ma would be 😱 if I went and hugged her for not doing me that wrong

Edie: not the audience we aim to 😱 really

Liam: too easy

Edie: almost as easy as your name to spell and say

Edie: you even from here 👽

Liam: wouldn’t take enough working out to set you as a test, records are basically lying about

Edie: nothing relating to school is a challenge

Liam: just getting that nurse to give a shit

Edie: if she reckons she’s 👀 it all…

Liam: front row of our intended audience

Edie: splash zone

Liam: she’s never off her phone, spy like you won’t have no problem hacking it

Edie: her nudes = actual monstrosity

Liam: dunno what Mr Doyle sees in her

Edie: yeah, he’s such a looker himself, like

Liam: his wife used to be pretty fit

Edie: don’t matter when she explains how and why people cheat

Edie: psychobabble gets ‘em off every time

Liam: if they taught psychology nobody’d be off each other or learning anything then

Edie: sounds like any other standard schoolday

Liam: that's what they’re getting up to in your class, is it

Edie: as cliche as the monster, yeah

Liam: 🔥🏫

Edie: hear hear

Edie: got to make the endless fire drills worth it one day

Liam: can’t miss me standing in line or not

Edie: then I won’t

Liam: next false alarm I pull

Edie: + 💎

Liam: + 👀

Liam: dont have to hate every cliche

Edie: not the good ones

Edie: all about how you use or misuse them

Liam: can you overuse eye contact

Edie: I can

Liam: I can make a kubrick stare work however many takes you wanna do

Edie: you don’t think I’m a one-take 🌟

Liam: I’ve not shot you

Edie: 🤯🔫

Liam: I’m not a one-take 📷📹

Edie: is that a brag for not suffering from premature ejaculation?

Liam: do you need that reassurance

Edie: I don’t know

Liam: I’ll think about other unsexy shit if your eyes start getting to me too much

Edie: Ha, yeah right

Edie: just don’t think about the 🔥

Liam: 🚒 buzzkill

Edie: 🚓 cockblock

Liam: 🚑 scene stealers

Edie: 🛸 out of here

Liam: before you can get stuck there as a 👻

Edie: Purgatory is preferable to that place forever

Liam: stay alive and it’s simple to get out of 🏫

Edie: I’ll leave my bag behind

Edie: 1st rule and only, really

Liam: don’t really need a pile of textbooks

Edie: I doubt that’s what you carry

Edie: I know I don’t

Liam: I can get more of what I do and I bet you could too

Edie: Bars

Liam: 😏

Edie: You’ve promo’d him a lot if you ain’t him

Edie: KM, like

Edie: bit sus

Liam: you said you know who he is, you know I ain’t

Liam: maybe I love him or some gay shit

Edie: none of his tracks sound like love songs

Liam: guess he don’t love me back

Edie: Oh honey

Edie: lock him in when you set the fire

Liam: he can keep spitting out those fuck yous til the end

Edie: dedication ✊

Liam: and +++ for morale

Edie: what a lad

Liam: love triangle is a cliche too far, take a deep breath or something

Edie: bit possessive

Liam: directors are dicks

Edie: and the heartbroken

Liam: yeah, couldn’t be kind to you if I wanted

Edie: I’ll survive

Edie: you’ve given me the heads up, I’ll give you the 👀

Liam: respect killing me with your 👀 and taking him for yourself

Edie: who could blame me

Liam: my ma as I’m dead, like

Edie: true

Edie: i’ll avoid her at the tescos

Liam: 🛒 dash

Edie: got a selection of my own

Edie: [picture because the random crap you would have in the barns lmao]

Liam: [a picture of one he stole at some point that’s on fire or been blown up or whatever]

Edie: 👏

Edie: what else can we 💥

Liam: got any barns you don’t use

Liam: or 🚜 stuff

Edie: loads

Edie: if you’re lucky, I’ll leave another 🔑

Liam: got another ear to put a 💎 in, luck’s gonna run out beyond it

Edie: sounds like some gay shit, you should

Liam: 👌

Liam: [pics when we’ve done this because of course we have, casually raiding either your mother or sister’s jewellery stashes here like]

Edie: Oh

Edie: actually looks kinda sick

Edie: you’re welcome then

Liam: I’ll send the footage when I’ve edited it

Edie: I look forward to it

Edie: I can’t give you any clues

Liam: what makes you think I need em

Edie: [idk how to differentiate but clearly the clue to where you live needs to be much harder to find and then decode lmao]

Liam: [awkward when he blatantly already knows where you live]

Edie: [do not even need to do the work, whoops]

Liam: [convincingly pretend you are though please]

Edie: [thank god he’s not a murderer even if he is a stalker, just giving out this info willynilly]

Liam: [not your stalker, it’s FINE]

Edie: [oh dear oh dear]

Edie: I’ll know when you work it out

Liam: yeah, I’ll show up 📷📹🌾

Liam: or send a 📦💣 if you wanna take things slow

Edie: you decide

Edie: I’ll shake all the packages extra hard

Liam: cancel the real 🐇 I thought about

Edie: animal cruelty is lamer than bed wetting

Liam: never even tipped a 🐄

Edie: they’ll appreciate it

Edie: anyway, if you did, punishment is letting them kick you in the face so you lose in the end

Liam: head injury’s a win if I get caught for the 🔥🏫 or being seen staring in your window

Edie: 😍🤤 just serial killer things

Liam: pretend I didn’t say KM’s gonna be my 1st victim

Edie: I’ll never feel special otherwise

Liam: you don’t feel special knowing I cracked your code

Edie: if anything, it makes you look smart and me not smart enough

Liam: you’re smart enough that I wanted to

Edie: I’m not going to ruin it with a cliche jumpscare now

Liam: me either, you’re smart enough too to see me coming

Edie: and you’re tall, so I hear

Liam: dunno where from, my dad’s not

Edie: he’s definitely your dad?

Edie: I may as well accuse your ma because I’m already avoiding her for the whole killing you thing

Liam: don't act like it which probably means he is

Edie: ha, real talk

Edie: I think you might be taller than mine

Edie: he’s 6’2

Liam: ha, I am

Edie: you’re the tallest person in school, possibly town

Edie: definite 👽

Liam: taking their time parking the ufo and picking me up, typical dad

Edie: did they forget ET or leave him here on purpose

Edie: he was fucking annoying

Liam: if I looked that much like a ballsack I’d understand

Edie: 😂

Edie: least you’d get to get fucked up with baby Drew Barrymore

Liam: baileys on cereal does taste sick, always down for that

Edie: yum

Edie: what do your fingers look like

Liam: [a video of his hands from lots of angles like hello]

Edie: hot

Edie: you can call me Elliot

Liam: or just call you instead of home

Edie: 😎 so smooth

Liam: what’s my ma gonna say, get back, talking to you is smarter

Edie: I’ve got time to set up the voice distorter so you’re not disappointed by the lack of crEEEEeeeEPpPPpyyyyYy vibes

Liam: and I’ll have loads of time to hear how you sound without it when I stake your house out

Edie: I’ll be sure to be loud

Edie: and not chat total inane shit with my family

Liam: you got your own room

Edie: technically not

Edie: but there are other rooms and places to crash in, when I wanna be alone

Liam: there’s my excuse to zoom in creeEEPpILY close 👀 when you’re not

Edie: very awkward and even ruder if you confused me for my sister

Edie: no one’s done that for ages

Liam: how were they ever doing it

Edie: we’re both the white ones, they just didn’t know which was which

Liam: can’t be a hard code to crack, not gonna be confusing you for anyone

Edie: good

Edie: it was pretty annoying

Edie: and I’m already your second victim as it is

Liam: partner in crime, or groupie to mine if you’re not getting actively involved, but still standing at the end

Edie: hope you’re writing some of these down

Edie: ‘cos I’m not gonna be your groupie

Edie: got my own scores to settle, own havoc to wreak

Liam: don’t need to write down I don’t want you to die, I’ll remember

Edie: it rhymed though

Edie: I’ll steal your lines then

Liam: write as many songs about me as you want, be your groupie til I get 🛸✌️

Edie: [send your music links because you ain’t]

Edie: give me a sec to do yours but pretend any of these are about you

Liam: this is you

Liam: serious

Edie: yeah

Edie: if I was gonna lie I’d have done that a few steps ago

Liam: I’m gonna lie they’re all about me

Edie: that’s what serious meant

Liam: it meant I’m impressed and you’re downplaying how smart you are

Edie: you can be my hypeman and overplay it

Liam: [does by uploading this edited ear piercing escapade with whatever song of hers we like and fits the vibe playing in it, giving her credit because we’re not a heathen and also putting on his stories that he’s listening to these tracks and hyping them how you can]

Edie: [so 😍 over this but trying to be chill somehow and somewhat even though we’re extra af anyway]

Edie: maybe I do wanna be your groupie

Edie: what do you want from me

Edie: like, I owe you and I want to give you something too, ‘cos

Edie: talking to you IS interesting

Edie: and not just because I could be talking to my ma or someone else really boring instead just ‘cos you are

Liam: [for real though her views would definitely go up cos the vibe is he knows loads of people through his sister but also through his weird vids and the raves and stuff he goes to now too so]

Liam: all I want’s to keep talking to you, for as long as you’re into it

Liam: people don’t unless we’re off our faces, like

Edie: my notifications are popping off rn

Edie: I know what you mean though, everyone’s too scared to say or do anything when they don’t have something to blame it on, like being stupid or weird or whatever the fuck actually matters

Edie: more than being bored and alone

Liam: dunno what they’re more scared of, what they wanna ask or how I’m gonna answer, least I know what the topic’ll be

Liam: every convo I have is a loop

Edie: all anyone ever cares about and knows is the headlines

Edie: as if there aren’t countless hours minutes seconds before and after the big events they all 👀 and 👂

Liam: work out sweet for you as a headliner

Edie: Getting them to talk about what I’m doing instead of whatever my parents and the rest of the fucking fam did or do is the goal

Liam: with me hyping you up, no bother, keep knocking out hits and I’ll promo em with no trace of binary or morse code

Edie: and you make films

Edie: I wasn’t sure if you were pissing about at first

Edie: every other person in that thread is an aspiring filmmaker so

Liam: did put me off for a while

Edie: Yours aren’t going to be bad Blair Witch ripoffs though

Edie: I can say that much without seeing

Edie: even the stuff you’ve sent today is dope

Liam: do you wanna see

Edie: yes

Liam: [link her cos I doubt all the weird shit is just there chilling on your insta or whatever]

Edie: [just casually watching all of this nbd]

Liam: siht ekil kool annog weiver ruoy

Liam: или, может быть, это

Edie: hoặc tôi có thể làm như thế này [‘or I could do it like this’]

Edie: si ffuts ruoy kniht i looc woh edih annaw tnod i tub

Liam: ba mhó an spraoi é a cheilt agus a lorg go pearsanta [hide and seek would be more fun in person]

Edie: If you’ve worked out where I live like you say

Edie: be fair and count to 100

Liam: you reckon you made it that easy do you

Liam: be cool if you added some 00s to that and gave me a fair chance

Edie: no, you could still be anyone

Liam: someone to be scared of, yeah I probably am

Edie: Do you want me to be scared of you

Liam: nah

Edie: Good because I’m not and I never promised I was a 🌟 so

Liam: 🤩 with or without promises

Edie: How have I never spoke to you before

Edie: so weird

Liam: I wouldn’t have known what to say to a girl like you

Edie: You seem like you’re coping fine to me

Liam: from behind a keyboard I can cope with anything

Edie: You’re not afraid of me either

Liam: not yet

Edie: What do you think I’m like?

Liam: smart, creative, nice to talk to and look at

Edie: then you’ve got nothing to be afraid of

Liam: I’ve got nothing, that’s bang on

Edie: I’m not trying to take anything from you

Edie: but I could throw those compliments back to you x 10000

Liam: you don’t like possessive, I ain’t gonna tell you what to do

Edie: I didn’t say that

Edie: you could claim better than a soundcloud DJ though

Liam: been waiting to hear that compliment specifically

Edie: 😏

Edie: You look like you’d be a fuckboy

Edie: that’s what I thought

Edie: you’re that good-looking

Liam: if I was the game’d be making you think I wasn’t, which is kinda where we are

Edie: True

Edie: so I’m that dumb or you’re that good, what are we going for?

Liam: you’re smart enough to play dumb, I don’t think I can aim for god tier puppet mastery of anyone’s emotions

Edie: I can see the appeal of that

Edie: closing you eyes to thing you don’t wanna see, to see the things you do

Edie: but mine are wide open

Liam: I ain’t mad, there’d be no appeal to yours being closed, unless you drop bars in your sleep too

Edie: you’re gonna find which window is mine and find out, yeah

Liam: wake you up before you name drop KM as it’s MY thing

Edie: that’s your man, I can respect it

Liam: exclusivity is a + for you then, I’m taking notes

Edie: I don’t really know

Edie: everyone’s lame

Liam: I’ve been there, yeah

Edie: I can’t fake enthusiasm for the sake of it

Liam: it’s a shite idea, doable or not

Edie: I don’t intend to

Edie: 🤞

Liam: can’t think why you’d have to

Edie: I won’t make you promise

Liam: what’ll you make me do

Edie: I want you to show

Edie: and be real and not just go ghost after this

Edie: but I don’t know if you will and I know you might

Liam: be a short afterlife, we don’t get american summers

Edie: we both got the capabilities, but I can promise not to stalk you if you like

Edie: if you want to stick to usernames and anonymity

Liam: not working out where you are to prove I can and a face in the window haunting wouldn’t even impress any dads lurking on the thread

Edie: Alright but I’d be more inclined to keep a secret if you asked opposed to all the dads

Liam: I wouldn’t wanna keep anything we do secret

Edie: Yeah?

Liam: if this is a scam I’m falling for everyone’ll see why and if it’s not I’m gonna document everything

Edie: I won’t ask for your credit card details even once

Edie: This is… different

Edie: isn’t it

Liam: you can have my ma’s, you’re avoiding her and the big tescos

Liam: I don’t know what this is, I wasn’t expecting you at the end of any of those links

Edie: It IS the least she could do

Edie: If I had a guess, you weren’t it

Edie: Even though you mentioned Dubo, it isn’t that small of a town

Liam: ha, how livid you’d be if I was another american coming here for the culture

Edie: not close enough to st patrick’s that I was worried

Liam: how did you feel

Edie: I thought no way it was you at first

Edie: and then I couldn’t believe it was you

Edie: and then that I should’ve known you sooner

Edie: what about you?

Liam: I still can’t believe it’s you, I would’ve tried to chat to you sooner if I knew this is how it’d go

Edie: I’m glad we are now

Edie: and I’ve not fucked it up

Liam: if the small world’s not fucked it up, you won’t

Edie: like you said, be shit if you were in America

Liam: be crap if you were anyone else from school, like you said

Edie: If it was anyone else from school

Edie: this convo would be well over by now

Liam: it’s the longest I’ve had for years

Edie: It’s all so surface level, right

Edie: fuck that

Edie: I wanna know more about you, I don’t care if I shouldn’t just say that

Liam: what do you wanna know

Edie: Hmm

Edie: Do I only get the one question?

Edie: Because I’ll think more carefully if so

Liam: nah, there’s no limit on it

Edie: Cool

Edie: so how was your day, and what were you doing just before you went on the forum?

Liam: [send her a video of some rave or whatever you were at because it’s summer bitches]

Liam: + 3-4 hours sleeping

Edie: Lucky

Edie: where’d you sleep and where’s the weirdest place you’ve got + 3-4 hours sleep before?

Liam: [send her some of the blooper-esque stuff you cut out to make it look more fun than it is, cos we know you’re usually bored]

Liam: home, I can’t 💤 in random xD places but I could call your dad short and maybe have him in a fight

Edie: that’s hot

Edie: he could’ve been there and you coulda tested that theory

Edie: but I wanna be there when you do

Liam: you’d have a shite view from the stage with lights blinding you, can’t let on how talented you are while we’re there

Edie: 😶

Edie: he’s not old so it’s not on a par with animal abuse lameness

Liam: and if I get carried away you can stop me

Edie: can I

Edie: + skill points

Liam: 🎶 works on monsters

Edie: have to find a way to get you home before the 💤 hits

Edie: so cute 🥺

Liam: mine or yours

Edie: 😳

Edie: I’ll protect you while you sleep, see if you can at mine

Liam: I can’t if you’re 👀

Edie: that might be a problem

Liam: how long can you not blink for

Edie: [send a vid of an attempt]

Liam: can I keep this

Edie: ‘course

Edie: use it if you can

Liam: when you write a song about me it’ll need a vid

Edie: I’ve started

Edie: I think by the time you find me, it’ll be done

Liam: people who don’t know you are gonna think I edited your eyes that colour

Edie: hashtag they’re real 😏

Liam: the girl who said she had an operation as a kid’s the real you

Edie: 😂

Edie: they were going rouge and I’ve repressed those memories

Liam: what were you doing before you logged on

Edie: not at a rave, sadly

Edie: I was masterminding a sabotage though, trying to anyway

Liam: don’t leave it there giving me no details

Edie: it isn’t even bad ARG plot worthy

Edie: but my sister has her gross boyfriend over and I need to ruin their fun, obviously, because they are unbearable

Edie: easiest way to do that is make them babysit the twins because there’s nothing fun about 9 year olds

Edie: so I convinced ma to go out on a date, but I still need to get my brother out the way and he’s a massive nerd who never goes anywhere so I’m stumped

Liam: we could have fun with it, gotta be a route to go down that’s not just ripping off the shining again

Liam: a nerd how, he’s on mastermind and his subject is _

Edie: 🪓 is just a prop, honest

Edie: bones, not in a cool way

Edie: History, all that old shit

Liam: [obviously find some kind of obscure af exhibit or book signing or something that he’d potentially be interested in and send her the deets because sleuthing is what you do boy]

Edie: OMG but genuinely

Edie: you are too good at this, I’ll have to keep you around

Liam: stashed with the 🪓

Edie: if you fit

Edie: He’ll actually go to this, for sure

Edie: 🐓🚫

Liam: keep what you figure’s useful and chop off the rest 🧩🧟

Edie: 😋

Edie: what an offer

Edie: and I do need to keep busy so I can’t be asked to step in

Edie: not that I’d say yes

Liam: busy like with a 🧭

Edie: go on

Liam: [god knows what scavenger hunt he’s sending you on gal that he apparently just has ready at the drop of a hat but here we are]

Edie: [live your best nerd lives]

Liam: [really hope these clues aren’t something he was gonna torment your sister with, because no thank you]

Edie: [lmao i hope it wouldn’t translate so easy ‘cos imagine]

Liam: [it definitely wouldn’t but a hardcore blag happening here regardless, I like to think you were actually coming up with this for her while you were pretending to work out her address that you already know]

Edie: [that’s a solid shout ‘cos yeah that is a thing lol]

Edie: [definitely sending you the demo of this song at the end as a prize because we’re beyond 😍 now]

Liam: [likewise even though he’s trying to downplay how 😍 he is to himself rn because it’s so weird that she’s Rio’s sister and that he actually also likes her in her own right so we’re fully !?]

Liam: [nevertheless trying to think of something creepy but cool he could send to her house so she knows he knows where it is and that we think this demo is amazing obviously, maybe it’s lots of other people’s shit musical endeavours like KM that we’ve set on fire and otherwise destroyed in creative ways like you’ve slayed the competition gal since cds and tapes are back baby idk]

Edie: [I wonder if I can find something like that to post hmm to pinterest I go]

Liam: [love the visual of you just sneakily dropping off a massive box of melted plastic without anyone seeing you]

Edie: [you’re clearly good lmao, I was thinking we could do a convo with Billie between this and the next one though]

Liam: [good idea boo, I’m up for that]

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[the99thchapter]

34

the following are entries from my lunadiary.

2018.12.24 p.m. 01:54  - the last week of 2018 x - let the past be bygone they say, little did you know, the sufferings and obstacles i had faced, To be where i am today never forget your struggles because they're a reminder for every hardship 

2018.12.27 p.m. 08:34 the luxury of happiness x - to feel happy is a luxury because not everyday is filled with joy So If i get to feel happy for every one second I'll be grateful i don't want to feel nothing Forever

2019.01.17 p.m. 05:06 Tbh - Hypothetically speaking, i don't know if I'm passing my stats and cma paper. I didn't revise in depth and I'm just guessing answers. Reminder to myself that if i failed, it was because i wasn't being hardworking enough. I was being complacent. I deserved this. 

2019.04.01 p.m. 11:15 what happens next?  - howto: cope with a broken friendship are there any cures for it? Guidebooks, therapy or prayers?I lost a friend because of my actions. Came to realization that I'm always hurting others. I know how it feels like, and I'm doing it to the people i love. I am the worst.

2019.04.11 p.m. 05:38 My parents.  - My mom thinks I'm here to ruin her life. Look, I'm not trying to make anyone cry or get hurt. But it always come back to the fact that i cause great pain to the people around me indirectly. I made my family cry. I made a friend cry. I make myself cry. It's like i am this terrible person who's causing so much pain to others. I don't get better. I get worse. 

I know my mom has been looking at me like I'm a monster for a while now. Years. She doesn't say it but i can tell. I'm no longer treated like a child, i get scolded like a stranger and I'm not worth of importance anymore. I think this is the universe way of telling me that I'm on my own and i should just deal with it. My dad wants to get closer to me but i push him away repeatedly. I'm a mean person but getting closer means opening up walls and i don't intend to do that. After having broke a parent, this parent should stay away from me. I hurt people so he shouldn't have to deal with me. He's a great dad but he's unlucky to have me. 

My parents are great people and they've been through a lot. My existence is nothing but a nuisance since the beginning. Please, universe. Do them a favour and do myself a favour. Get rid of me. Help them. Save them. That's all I'm asking. 

2019.04.23 p.m. 10:59 Plus one - all i ask for is a man who has a good heart. Someone who is polite in words and actions. not necessarily pious but does his five daily prayers without fail. Able to guide me on the correct path and be my jodoh in jannah. protect me from the evil and love me for who i am. Respects my family as a whole and accepts us for who we are. 

2019.05.09 p.m. 02:03 day 4  - Ya Rabb, i ask that you strengthen my iman. Encourage my heart to perform the five daily salahs and to dzhikir a lot. In this holy month i want nothing but truly your blessings. Taufiq hidayah. Rahmatilah kami semua, terimalah segala ibadah and amalan kami. I'm striving to become a better muslim in the eyes of no one else but Allah SWT. The most gracious, the most merciful.

  2019.07.08 a.m. 09:38 What is wrong with me?  - These words are haunting me at night. Every time i close my eyes, i hear it. "Why are you like that?" "You're not good enough" "The world doesn't need you" "Stop being useless to us." "You're a bad person." Hey, Reality check, i am indeed what these statements truly meant. I know for a fact that no one actually likes me. I radiate bad vibes negativity. People pretend to like me. My personality's kinda fake. Is this why no one wants to stick by me? Is that why the friends that i have now are only pitying me? What do i lack? How can i be a better version of myself? What is wrong with me? 

2019.08.01 a.m. 11:31 the first of august - D-23 to my birthday! To an age that society defines as a brand new decade! My 20's will be the coolest. I can't wait to get my first full time job, to graduate with my diploma, to hop on an airplane, to travel to cities, discover the world, meet people, find love and connection, try new adventures and to simply help the needy.  

2019.08.26 p.m. 02:18 - today i had my last exam for 2.1. the end of a semester. right now I'm sitting i’m the mrt. On my way to bugis. To buy film. But all i can think about is Will today be the day? What if right now is the moment? 

No current commitments. No plans. Just myself. I'm thinking about how in the midst of being surrounded by work to do, i have no time for myself. To recharge, to check in and ask if I'm truly okay..Because I'm not. I really am pushing or suppressing emotions. I'm not allowing myself to let go. No anxiety attacks lately. Am i getting better? Or is this just my mind playing tricks?

2019.10.01 p.m. 10:57 cbtl  - I have work at 8 am which I've decided not to turn up for because i think it doesn't matter if I'm there or not..i love the nature of this new job and the learning outcomes from it but it's been 3 weeks and it's tough. i get that it requires the ability to be quick and precise but i just cant you know? With this particular mgr breathing down my neck every single time, i feel so tensed?? i know the reality is that not every job will be easy but i don't think this barista thingy will work out for me :(  and I'm not deciding to ditch work just bc i can't handle things, but I'm tired from getting belittled for minor tiny ass mistakes i do. Why do people find the need to raise their voice and speak in a degrading manner while pointing out my mistakes which are so frickin small in front of others? To train me to be vigilant next time? Is it working? Yes. But did it hurt my self esteem? Totally. You saw my igstory lately... the one about smacking my face? It still upsets me :( I wasn't rude or anything i was honestly in a confused position. Because i genuinely did not know the exact ingredients to make iced latte (i wasn't taught yet) and the same mgr thinks i do even after telling her i dont!! I asked her if it's made from iced water base but she kept emphasising the word 'ICED LATTE' indicting that i was dumb and she got fed up and said it's milk based + I'll smack your face..rude. She could have told me. The thing about me is that i remember lists really well so if she'd told me at the beginning we could have avoided this moment that ruined my day and hurt my feelings. I know it was my fault for not practicing much last week so that's why when i was asked to make hot espresso drinks it caught me off guard. I told the same mgr that i did not have much opportunity to do so bc the other workers mostly made the drinks and she still belittled me. Also i had to make this drink called Hot Vanilla which is similar to Hot Chocolate and i remember DISTINCTIVELY that one of my colleagues taught me to use cold milk as base so i did the same thing and one of the other colleagues saw and again... in a loud degrading manner pointed out my mistake and proceeded to say things like "YOU ASK AND ASK SO MANY THINGS THEN DON'T BOTHER REMEMBERING SO U ASK FOR WHAT" in a really mean tone... that was uncalled for. i had to choke up my emotions and reply an apology in a joking manner like i always do bc idw to cry.

2019.12.18 p.m. 09:39 the decade in recap - 2009-2019 i was 10 years old then but I'm 20 years old today. I really grew up uh? I went through so many things. I did them. I became who i am today. 

2020.01.21 a.m. 08:45 three weeks into the new year and I'm already over it - year, please be nice to me. I've cried way too much. I don't want to be sad all the time. I want to feel like myself again. It's been years...that for some reason happiness and a good life can't work hand in hand for me. 

2020.01.23 p.m. 08:57 work hard and work smart?  - I studied only two days prior. But in those last two days i put in a lot effort. I sacrificed sleep, my health, hygiene and everything into utilizing every second to absorb as much studying as i can. I convinced myself that i can do it. I can make things work. But did it? I took my tax paper and did mistakes...obvious unforgivable mistakes that i actually practiced so hard on but still did it. I took my finance paper and my mind decided to omit the one information that i needed to answer that question even though I've memorized it repeatedly in my mind beforehand. It's really times like this where i truly am disappointed with myself. I could have done better had i put in more effort. I could have aced it if i did my preparation early. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I'm not as good as my peers. This whole week was so tiring for me. I was alone and realized that i am ALONE alone. My friends? They don't even care about me unless i took initiative to approach them. It's been suffocating lately, trying to take in all the crap that I've been getting. I'm so tired of crying. I don't even want to feel happy anymore. What's the point....

2020.02.19 p.m. 01:06 1 down, 4 more to go - auditing.... you're not my cup of tea. I'll admit it. in the beginning i didn't understand what was going on. but after literally crash coursing on the whole module this past week, i can say i still don't get it. But nevertheless i think i did ok for the paper. Idk. I thought I'd failed my mst only to be surprised by the score. So maybe the universe will work the same way this time. Or not. 

So today i will be going on a full-blown revision marathon for my three papers next week. I'm pinning my hopes on getting at least B+/A for FOT and FOI. IF? we'll strive to get one level about the bare minimum. 

I hope this semester sees an improvement in gpa or maintenance of my current one. Would really break my heart to see it plunge down. To future me, we'll be okay. If we're not, don't beat yourself to it. While the whole "grades don't define you" advice does give a sense of relief, it means shit. Grades matter... At least for university. 

Remember that one day we'll get a degree. Failure isn't forever. 

2020.05.30 a.m. 04:37 Why i don't ask about my jodoh in prayers  - while i do romanticize love based on fiction and the amount of love series i watch, i don't necessarily crave for it. I used to, but i don't. One reason could be that i am not surrounded by many malay guys and two, i am not in a position to be able to experience it. It's both. I don't try and I'll not try. 

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #14: "i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted)” - Bryce

I can't believe that I am here. I made it to the Final 4. It is very crazy. I thought that I was toast in the Final 6. So to be here now is very exciting and shocking. The final 3 is going to depend on who wins immunity. I am really hoping that I could win this immunity to secure my spot in the final 3. If not then I hope that Matt doesn't win it. He needs to be an option just in case. I'm very nervous. I just finished my rites of passage. and its crazy that its almost final tribal.

so im getting 4th. FJKASDHFKJh this comp is so hard and like im literally not gonna be able to do endurance so i need to do well on the other stuff but i just dont see that happening... like this puzzle first try was 70 minutes FJKASDHFKAJS. AND I KNOW COUNTING WILL MESS ME UP BC IM NERVOUS WRECK i didnt even mean to caps that but its tea. like flash game i think when i played this once before i wasnt bad but maybe i was who knows. im so emo like no one is talking to me anymore FKJASHDFKJ like i guess bc its just 1 vote left they dont wanna pretend they wont cut me FJAKSDFH like my game not even that good im gonna get dragged by sharky/nathan/keaton/nicole/ everyone but brian... maybe even brian who knows NNNN. my nnn. is so iconic.. maynor who?. idk like ok so if i win immunity (which i wont) idek what to do like i feel like voting matt is the best option maybe. bc i WONT be voting maynor bc i love him (not that i dont love anna and matt) but i just feel like we've had the best relationship of the f4 and im confident that the jury will like my game more than his (maybe they wont tho... i say confident but i mean 2% (not skim) sure they will) but ok so annabelle prob is hated by jury at least from brian and maybe even sharky? but like she didnt play bad she literally made most iconic move at f6 and i respect that but idk if jurors do like ppl keep saying shes a goat  so maybe she has no chance. and then theres matt where like ppl cant be mad he voted them when everyone and their mom in this game has voted him ASDKJFHASDKJ. like so hes prob liked by jury but i just dont know if hes done anything to deserve to win. he found 2 idols successfully played 1 but that was more on anna/nicks weird sense of leaking when it didnt really benefit them.  but like ok he was least threatening member of trio who got to the end so underdog edit is there even tho he literally wasnt underdog tbh u know who was an underdog... ME. i had NO ONE but nathan for a lil.. then dennis... then he got ROBBED. so then i had brian... but he got ROBBED. and now i have maynor like ive literally flipped and flopped to better my game and idk like i am physically able to meaningfully say ive done anything good ever in life or orgs but like i didnt do too bad i think! KJFAHSDKJF... idk maybe im getting 0 votes 3rd place no matter what and if thats the case im still so happy bc ive had a lot of fun in this game and met some true friends (and keaton) but like im getting 4th anyway so doesnt matter! ugh that sounds like a final goodbye confession but i know me and im gonna confess like 10 more times before this round is over so if i do get 4th/3rd just know that this was my true end...

So like.... I do not think i'm winning immunity. like at all. which makes me pretty nervous ngl. I really want to be there at the finale cause i think I have a good shot. If Bryce loses, i'm fairly sure i'm good to get to FTC but otherwise im scared. Making FTC would be really good for me cause I think i can out argue Maynor and Annabelle fairly well, but otherwise with bryce there idk. So like, BRYCE CAN'T WIN IMMUNITY. Also this FIC is disgusting like no thanks. I've already fucked up the 2 live ones so uh ya am annoyed :(. woo final juror here i come!

Bryce won immunity. Im glad. I wouldnt want to be in the position to vote Bryce. I had to abstained from the counting part cuz it triggered my anxiety. I tried tho but i couldnt. This vote is going to be said. Matt is going to go 4th. And i feel really bad. We got to know each other more during every tribal. This really sucks. I just dont want to give him false hope where there isnt any. Im going to help tomorrow.

I am so getting final juror. fuck. i knew it would happen if bryce won immunity and it fucking is. I am so sad about this. I have worked so hard all game to get here and its just being tossed away like that. I am SO sad. I have fucked up my sleep schedule for this game and now its getting me final juror. ugh. i just wanted to get to the end and like argue my case. but now? not happening :( i hate this

I WON I REALLY WON IMMUNITY ASKDJFHASKDJF I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LOSE WHEN I GOT 12 POSTS ASJFKHKASJFDHASDKJF THATS SO NNNNN IM SO HAPPY BUT SO SAD BC NOW I TRIED TO TELL MATT IM VOTING HIM BC I WANT TO BE HONEST BUT HE SAYS HES TALKING TO A BRICK WALL LIKE???? SORRY FOR NOT WANTING TO GIVE U FALSE HOPE AJDSFHDKAJ its honestly so rude like ive been in that position before so i know what its like when ur pleading ur case and the person doesnt seem to care and im NOT doing that. but obvioulsy i didnt just make up a plan on what to do at f4 so obviously i have thoughts and plans and im not just gonna switch it up bc u plea to me now. idk KJASHDFKJ also im so scared im gonna lose now NNN hes saying anna played so well and tbh she kind of did maybe i lose no matter what...

So like i am leaving but its ok! why? cause i will preserve my legacy by dropping a whole ass fajita recipe here so that I can feel like i have made an IMPACT on the season. Even though like im still sad its me, im going out with a bang baby! I don't use this recipe personally ( I am a broke student) but its v.good!

Ingredients: 2 large chicken breasts, finely sliced 1 red onion, finely sliced (ready to make you cry) 1 red pepper, sliced 1 red chilli, finely sliced (optional) For the marinade 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika 1 tbsp ground coriander pinch of ground cumin 2 medium garlic cloves, crushed 4 tbsp olive oil 1 lime juiced 4-5 drops Tabasco

Method: Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and wrap 6 medium tortillas in foil.

Mix 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika, 1 tbsp ground coriander, a pinch of ground cumin, 2 crushed garlic cloves, 4 tbsp olive oil, the juice of 1 lime and 4-5 drops Tabasco together in a bowl with a big pinch each of salt and pepper.

Stir 2 finely sliced chicken breasts, 1 finely sliced red onion, 1 sliced red pepper and 1 finely sliced red chilli, if using, into the marinade.


Heat a griddle pan until smoking hot and add the chicken and marinade to the pan.

Keep everything moving over a high heat for about 5 mins using tongs until you get a nice charred effect. If your griddle pan is small you may need to do this in two batches.

To check the chicken is cooked, find the thickest part and tear in half – if any part is still raw cook until done.

Put the tortillas in the oven to heat up and serve with the cooked chicken, a bag of mixed salad and one 230g tub of fresh salsa.

hope the random person reading this uses it otherwise gj future me reading this you've officially gone insane! yeet ig?

This is going to be a sad day. I really like Matt and dont want to vote him out but its the best option from the people available. It really sucks. I feel his pain and ahh.

I’m literally going to cry. I want to help Matt. I wish we could all be final 3 but we can’t. I’m dying emotionally. Final 4 always has so much pressure cuz theres only 4 people left. I hope Matt doesn’t hate me. I hope he understands thisnis a game move because he techinically was the underdog in the beginning then was on top then back to underdog. I just hope he doesnt take it personal that I don’t think tie-ing it for him would be good for my game.

OMG IDK WHATS GONNA HAPPEN MATT GO HOME PLS BUT I FEEL LIKE ANNA IS VOTING MAYNOR IM GONNA BE SO SAD AHHHH DJSKFHSDKJF

Matt is voted out 3-1. He becomes the final juror.

ok so i had the worst day of my life today and didnt plan my speech at all so thats where im at NNN time to fake smile and hope the jurors like my ad libbed speech ASFKUHDFKJ ftc starts in 4 minutes.

well.. that was interesting adsjflhasdkfj. Like i always have 0 confidence in myself so i think im gonna lose and i really do respect the game that anna and maynor played. im just sad that i dont think i articulated myself well bc like im so bad with words anajsfhakj and ppl were saying conflicting things and its just not in me to like chime in with my pov to possible sway it in my favor bc i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted) but yaaa like i truly think that maybe i kind of did play super well and deserve to win but either way ill be happy bc i made *some* genuine friendships and also like had so much fun voting ppl out KFADHSKJASHK. i wish i like wrote what all my confessionals were so i could reference sth i said on day 1 but it was prob like i hate my tribe they ignore me so maybe ill just say that again FKJADSHFKJ. we love coming full circle... im so hungry i didnt eat so i will now stop typing to get dinner maybe i will write another confessional. omg wait gotta have some line thats iconic in case theres an episode title... think... love talking to myself FAKSDHFKj im so funny when i was like "i realized hey i respond to myself ill take me to the end" its such a mood KFJASDHFKJ ok but hm... ok. maybe im a snake who doesnt actually care about people and use them to my advantage to get my way but at least im not jayden. OMG jk thats so mean even tho he deserves it ALSO i was gonna like comment on keaton being like "saying the n word doesnt make u racist" but then he was kind of nice to me so i didnt.. love being as fake woke as me... not being confrontational to get a jury vote... so gross NNNN wooh idk how to end this but watch waves music video normani literally snapped so hard is being as slept on as me. omg wait... maybe im a pillow bc i sure am being slept on. iconic line.... i love the hosts so much ignore literally every cringe thing i wrote in this confessional pls FKJADSHKFJ

IM VERY DRUNK AND I DNT KNOW IF I HAD TO. BUT EITHER BRYCE OR ANNA WILL WIN CUZ IM A MES AND DONT DESERVE TO CUZ THEY WERE BOTH AMAZING FOR LETTING ME GET TO FTC. I WANNA THANK ANNA THE HOST FOR BEING AMAZING AND GREAT. I LIKED THE ALICE THEM CUZ HEART CUZ ICANT  EMOHJI, ,LOVED THIS SEASON AND UR ALL AMAZING HOSTS.

Im happy I made it to the final 3. And even though FTC was bad; I enjoyed it. I know I’m probably getting 3rd which is fine. I have so much respect to Annabelle and Bryce and everyone in the jury. I’m more excited to be able to talk to all of them again. Let’s see who is our winner will it be Bryce or Annabelle!? The hosts you guys were amazing and i had a great time this season. Im glad Jones pushed and convinced me to apply. Thank you for giving me a spot in this season. And Jones you da best. 💖💛💙

confession time. everytime i write one of these i put the day as who are u and my name as what day is it.. my mind always having to go change it. but um didnt think i would be writing another one of these FJKSADF but i have no self control and winner reveal is in 4 and a half hours and im literally sick FAKJDSk i feel so anxious and nervous like even if i lose im gonna be happy but i just really want to win also im still trying to process ppl not liking me or my gameplay and saying i played with their emotions FJKASDHFJ i had a blast. anyways this is the anthem of the day apparently https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhzN7SfnNeY

WHATS GOING ON?? IM TIRED IS WHATS GOING ON IM SO ANXIOUS! im sooo anxious i want to win. pls...

Bryce wins Celestial Marmoreal in a 4-3-0 vote!