#cause i dont im just angry n sad n venting

[ianthesmells]

tried to ask my ex if she wanted her stuff back which was a horrible idea i shouldve just left it as it is. So i got to humiliate myself ONE more additional time n make her dislike me EVEN more, i hope i learn how to let go someday

[just-another-haikyuu-blog]

Best friends.. but more💕

Takanobu Aone × fem!reader

Tags: NSFW,, biting,, daddy/princess petnames,, heart break

Tw: drinking, drunk sex,,

Word count: 1800+

Im a wee bit drunk atm if yall find any grammar errors or would like tags or tws I could add message me and let me know. Other than being drunk Im also new to tagging stories so sometimes I don't pay attention 😅

NSFW under the cut♡

It was sometimes rather odd being best friends with Aone. Everyone else in your class and well the whole school seemed to think he's so intimidating. Which is kinda funny considering its based on his height. When in reality hes just a big ol teddy bear.

You were rather glad no one really knew him like you did. Still he wasn't very talkative when you two hung out but you could tell by his body language that he always had a good time. Especially when you two played games together. Who would imagine this very stiff, quiet guy actually gets angry when he loses at video games. It wasnt very noticable until he'd always makes an excuse to go get snacks every time he would lose. You caught him quietly fuming to himself in the kitchen after a couple times. Which turned into many times of sneaking out of his room just to watch him and having your heart race trying to make it back so he wouldn't know that you essentially were stalking him in his own home. It was then you realized maybe your feelings toward him were for more than just friendship. A thought you'd never have expected to have towards your best friend. So you shook it off everytime you felt it a little more not wanting to hurt your relationship.

After graduation things stayed the same mostly. The only real difference was after you two had gotten jobs and places of your own and it was a bit harder to spend time together. So when you two had time to spare you were either at his house or him at your apartment. It was never abnormal for you two to stay the night together. Most of the time you'd drink and play games together. Which really wasnt very often lately because your boyfriend didn't like another guy spensing the night.

It didnt matter how many times you told him that Aone is just your best friend and nothing more. He never believed you. Finally after countless texts and calls of Aone asking to come over you decided to go to his place. You got drunk and vented to him about everything, eventually passing out. Being the sweet guy he is Aone helped you to the couch and covered you up. The very next day you woke up to multiple calls and messages from your boyfriend. It was clear he was pissed but you shrugged it off and stuffed your phone in your pocket. You explained the situation and Aone offered to drive you home. It didnt seem like too big a deal that was until you made it home. Your boyfriend standing next to his car outside your place. Seeing you with Aone made him furious. "I guess Im gonna go sort this out. I'll text you later." you said before exiting the car.

Immediately your boyfriend dragging you up to your apartment. Not even two seconds inside and he berates you with questions. "Were you at his place last night? Is that why you weren't home this morning? Did you fuck him? I cant believe-" you stopped him right there and told him plainly "No. I didn't fuck him. I missed my best friend and I got drunk and passed out. If it werent for that I'd have come home last night." None of it seeming to have any bit of a difference to him. He shook his head with a deep scowl on his face, "We're done." he said and walked out the door. You didnt try to stop him and just let him go.

It took a while for the sadness to hit but when it did you got pretty depressed because you actually really liked the guy. But in the end you werent going to give up your best friend time for some guy no matter how much you liked him.

A couple days after the break up you had went out drinking with your work and got absolutely shitfaced. Thankfully one of your coworkers got your phone. "Dont worry y/n I called a friend to come get you. He should be here any minute." You were barely coherent to what she said and ended up face down in your food crying.

Aone finally showing up, and everyone being in awe of his demeanor towards you. They all drunkenly tell him how good a boyfriend he is. He didnt correct them, just thanked them for calling and said that he'd take care of you. He rubbed your back and leaned down to say "Y/n Im here to take you home. Hop on my back Ill carry you." Your coworkers cheering him on yet again for being so sweet. You being wasted beyond belief got entirely too excited at the idea of a piggy back ride. It took a couple tries but you eventually got on his back.

The walk to his car was kind of cold and your nose was especially suffering. "Aoneee~ my nose its- *hiccup* c-cold." You said right before you snuggled your face into his warm neck. The smell of him almost making you melt. You leaned up into his ear "aoneeeee," you said with such a pouty tone, "A-o-ne Ivee got a seeecret.. I think I might like you.. e-even in high school." You lean back down to nuzzle your face into his neck not noticing how much the tall silent man was blushing. He didn't really say much back and honestly you didn't really notice from how drunk you were.

You hadnt even realized that at some point he had put you in his car. He decided to just take you back to his house since it was closer. You ended up falling asleep blabbering about how hot you were and trying to take off your clothes. Pulling up you were still out of it and thankfully clothed since you were too drunk to get them off. He picked you up and carried you inside up to his bed. Normally you would sleep on the couch but with how things were tonight he'd take the couch.

He laid you down and gathered up a tshirt and some of his sleeping pants, which were way too big. He woke you up enough to have you change clothes and tuck you in. "If you need anything at all Im right on the couch." He stood up to walk to the door. Only to have you grab his hand and pull him down over top of you. "don't go." You said in barely a whisper almost whining. Looking down at you in this way causing his body to react to you like it never has before. Almost making him leave immediately, seeing as how you werent in your right mind, but the way you tugged at him he let you win. He moved over to the other side of you whispering back "okay but once youre asleep im going to the couch."

He laid there looking at you thinking about what you had said when he picked you up and this overwhelming feeling of wanting you filled his mind. You in search of warmth rolled over to cuddle your back against him. Your body kind of going on its own at this point from your drunken and slightly horny state. He had no idea what to do and felt a panic wash over him before you grabbed his arm and wrapped it around you. Feeling the neediness of how his hand held your waist your ass began grinding against him. His hand gripping you tight trying to keep his composure forcing a low moan out of you and the words flowed out of your mouth, "Aone please♡ touch me please." Thats all it took for him to break. You could feel both hands now on your waist pulling you into him grinding his hard cock against your ass. Every thrust and his tightening grip forcing a moan out of you.

The pants he gave you slowing riding down leaving you in just his shirt. He freed a hand to roam over your body and leaned down just barely breathing over your neck before running his tongue along your skin to find the most sensitive spot. You gasped at how good it felt. A little further he thought, just a nip right there in that sensitive little spot. Grabbing your hips as you grinded against him begging for more. "Pleasee Aone more.. bite me more mmm please" gasping between every word. He obliged and sunk his teeth into you. He immediately felt your body tense up as you moaned for more from him "Aone♡ fuck- fuck me please."  "You sure?" He said back. Your hand reaching back to grab his lengthy throbbing cock "yesss~ mmmm fuck you're so big" stroking it listening to his quiet moans in your ear turning you on even more. Enjoying the feeling of your small hands fondling him so needily. Pushing him so close to his climax he had to remove your hand before wound up cumming all over your backside. The pleasure overcoming his mind he rolled you over to your back legs falling off to either side of him he looked you over as you watched him pull off his shirt, his muscles gleaming from all the sweat. "Fuck.." you gasp breathlessly.

"Like what you see, princess?" His words like honey to you. "Mmm fuck yes daddy, I like every.. last.. bit of what I see~" Barely able to get your words out before he thrust his big throbbing cock inside you. "Mmf♡ fuck~ oh fuck~~" Your moans fueling his lust filled mind as he went harder just to see your expressions as the pleasure took you over. Your words jumbled as you barely were able to get out anything between moans. The squelching between your legs at every thrust on top of the low moans coming from his lips driving you mad as you felt him hitting the deepest part of you. "Mmmf♡ i-i.. fuc- i-mmmm im cu-" your moan cutting you off as you came all over his thick cock. The feeling of your walls tightening around him sending him over the edge he grunted grinding himself deeper inside you painting your insides in his juices. His moans stifled by your mouth as you pulled him down into a deep kiss. Neither of you having the want to move just laid there intertwined. Exhaustion taking over you both passed out almost simultaneously.

You woke up to an empty bed and your clothes folded neatly on the dresser. Only remembering bits and pieces from the night before but enough to know what had taken place in this bed right where you were laying. Your face as red as a beet you pulled the covers up over yourself, almost wanting to squeal. You heard the knob twisting and you laid back down pretending to be asleep. You could hear him walk in closer and closer until it felt like he was right over you and your eyes snapped open. His face directly above yours he leaned forward and kissed you and scooped you up with the covers you were rolled up in. Your face hot and embarrassed as to the suddenness, " Wh-what are you doing??" He smiled down at you continuing on, "Don't worry princess, Im just taking you to the bathroom so you can clean yourself up.. unless of course you want to continue last night?" Every bit of the night before flooded your head as he sat you down. You almost couldnt believe it. Slightly embarrassed you knew if you didn't take this chance now you'd hate yourself for it later. Dropping the blankets you pulled him into the bathroom. "You helped make the mess now you can help clean it." A tiny smirk crossed his mouth and you knew you were going to get way more than you bargained for.💕

[fairycosmos]

im sry for messaging u like this sory but i just. Dont know who to talk to. i hate my father so much and the shit he does wears me down..he‘s told me i should „keep all my imbecile opinions“ to myself, whenever i show any emption he tells me to get over it n just rn he got angry at me for something i didnt do. Like he made up a story and told me off for it. i hate it here but i also hate the thought of moving out n leaving my mum alone with him. Fuck everything he‘s never apologized once

it’s ok ! don’t apologize, it’s completely fine. but god why is your dad out of his mind and why are you being expected to just put up with it like?? 😠😠😠 this is the textbook definition of emotional manipulation and gas lighting and im so so sorry you have to deal with it. i can not imagine how hard it must be to live under the same roof as someone so far removed from reality. and i dont mean to condescend when i say im proud of you for making it this far and for being able to open up about it to me. it’s not easy at all and yet you’re doing it anyway, and that counts for so much. honestly, his words/actions/anger are only a reflection of him and never, ever of you and i want you to try to live by that as much as you can. though you obviously have every right to be hurt/pissed off/sad - whatever instinctive reaction you’re feeling is yours to claim and it is completely justified. you do not need permission to cry, to get angry, to rant, to feel it all. though it’s painful, its presence is to be expected. the only thing that is your responsibility is doing what you can to deal with those emotions in a healthy way. sometimes that’ll look like sobbing in bed, sometimes it’ll look like talking to a friend/someone you trust, sometimes it’ll look like practicing positive self affirmations, sometimes it’s just getting through the day. and it may not work every time. the point is simply to try. and i really hope that at the same time as that, you can begin to understand on a fundamental level that you do not need to ‘get over’ anything. that your opinions are important and deserve to be heard. that when he makes shit up and gets mad about it, that is an example of nothing more than his ineptitude as a father. there is no guilt on your shoulders, you have done nothing wrong. while i understand internalizing self hatred due to abuse and trauma, and that it can often take a life time to work through, i think it’s important to be able to recognize periodically that you are worth so much more than you’re being made to feel like. even if it feels like you’re lying to yourself, say it anyway and keep saying it because it’s beyond true. you deserve so much better - he’s a cunt and that’s on him. you will always be a better person than him. 

i can totally understand why you’re scared to leave your mum, and i wont try to sway your opinion too much either way because obviously the choice is yours. but please always keep in mind that you are ALWAYS going to be deserving of a happy, healthy and safe environment. there is never going to be any shame in seeking one out. your mum needs to make the decision to leave on her own and you do not have to stay in harms way waiting for her to do so if the opportunity to leave presents itself. this is your life, after all. but i know it’s a more nuanced matter than that, and i totally get why you feel stuck. so until then, i’m wondering if there’s any way you can seek outside support to help you cope? i know this feels like a daunting idea or something you cant actually bring yourself to do, but i promise it is always an option and it is not going to be as bad as your brain is leading you to believe. it can look like calling an abuse hotline, asking your doctor to refer you to a mental health professional who can work with you on coping mechanisms/cbt, attending a support group (there may be online ones as well cause you know quarantine), and also researching self help tactics you can utilize throughout your day. journaling, meditation, finding a safe space, opening up, comfort hobbies/distractions. they’re not solutions or cures, they just help you pause and breathe. that can change a lot. there are so many people who understand what it’s like to be in your shoes and you don’t have to face this all on your own, i promise. like i said, i know it’s a lot so please take it as a simple suggestion and something you could possibly think about working up to. it’s okay to talk about what’s going on, you know? it sounds like he’s put you through so much, and i believe with all my heart that you deserve to begin to heal. which can happen at the same time as hurting, by the way. every day you’re making progress that you don’t even realize is happening. and some day, much sooner than you think, you’re going to live a full, bright and autonomous life of your own completely divorced of your shitty dad and his toxicity.  you’ll get to choose whether or not you ever even see him again. he’ll be nothing in the grand scheme of all the ppl who are going to show you what it’s like to be loved. anyway, i didn’t want to make this too long but my heart is with you angel. i really hope you can move beyond this one step at a time. not every day has to be a good one but there is always a way forward. and each moment you get through, you get closer to the this man having no bearing on your existence whatsoever. im sending you so much love, please take care of yourself alright. if you need to vent or just to talk to someone, i’ll be here. you’re not alone, and i’m rooting for you 💖

https://www.1800respect.org.au/

https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/suggestions-for-adult-survivors/

[rain-line]

i had such a really sad, fucked up dream yalls

i dont remember wat happened in most of it, i just remember the ending/climax of it. even tho it was fictional i feel devastated

basically me and two friends were being chased by this really determined, wildly angry dude out for revenge. this dude was like on a strategic mind plane of zero escape or komaeda levels. so im gonna call him komaeda. one of the friends with me was some rando blondie so ill just call her kaede (bc she was sweet and very motivated n cute). the other friend,,, was literally just chihiro.

(this is p long so its under cut)

 like im only calling the villain of this dream komaeda bc of how crazy strategic n wild he was, he wasnt literally komaeda. and im calling the other friend kaede just based on looks. but this other person i was escaping with was actually just chihiro. we called them chihiro and everything. just a random dangan ronpa character for no reason lol.

we were on a high floor of a multi-storied building (like a hotel or apartment or something) and komaeda guy cornered us in a room and he sprays some sleeping gas stuff in the air so we cant run from him, like, he even sprays it within HIS own vicinity. thats how confident he was i guess he knew/was counting on that he would be the first to wake up and then he could kill kaede and chihiro (he didnt really care about me, he just wanted kaede n chihiro ded bc he felt they wronged him or watev. even tho i wasnt on his hit-list he was still dangerous so i was still scared tho and wanted to help my friends 😔 )

so kaede chihiro n komaede fall asleep bc of the sleep gas and i dont bc i held my breathe (mind blown amirite) and first thing i do is drag komaeda away into another room and try to think wat i can do with this opportunity since hes knocked out. but im weak and theres nothing i can use as a weapon to maim or kill him. (and thinking back on it, i shouldve at least tied him up to buy time but that never occured to dream me lol) the whole time while i was trying to figure out wat to do, he kept drifting in and out of the gas sleep mumbling incoherently about his plans and even trying to weakly get away from me. i just left him alone in that room and went back to the other room where kaede n chihiro were still knocked out.

i couldnt get them to wake up so i try my best to help them get away. the only other escape from the room was through the balcony. so one by one i drag and toss (GENTLY AS I CAN) their bodies from current balcony to next balcony on the floor beneath. a random gardener dude notices me and helps after quick explanation of the dire situation. having the extra manpower makes this go by way smoother and easier. we’re on the last couple floors of the building, chihiro wakes up after i move him to the next balcony. (gr8!) i climb up to the previous balcony to check to see if kaede is waking up yet and to move her to the next balcony as well, but just as i climb up both me and the rando gardener see sleepy kaede being dragged away by komaeda from a nearby vent system or watever. we’re shook.

i start to immediately climb through the vent to go after them and save her but the scenery in the building is extremely scary, like in this video exactly (probably bc i had just watched that vid for the first time about 2 nights ago). so as much as i wanted to go in and save her i was terrified. U_U 

me, gardener and chihiro try to discuss and brainstorm thingsg we could do. we weren't gonna run off to save ourselves or go look for help bc we didnt want to leave kaede  behind, but also we we were all just too scared to go in there. i tried one more time to go in and i didnt get too far bc it just kept getting scarier the more u went in so i crawled back out.

we spent maybe an hour or two trying our best to brainstorm and venture (unsuccessfully) through the vent system. finally i built up enough courage and determination for kaede and hatred for komaeda that i was ready to face fears and enter the vents again. my plan was to just run through it loud and screaming- so that rather than being jumpscared and caught off guard myself, i’d already alert or scare watever is in there so i would see them coming and it wouldnt be so scary. we still didnt have any weapons or anything, but the gardener gave me this dull gardening tool that kinda looked like one of those tools u see people pick up cake slices on to serve, u kno?

so just as i was ready to burst in, a mega bruised up, beaten, komaeda gets kicked from a window and lands in front of us. we’re all like ‘yay! kaede finally managed to best him!’ i think for a second, where is kaede tho? but i get too overwhelmed seeing komaeda there, this is finally the chance to stop him and make sure he doesnt hurt us or anyone else ever again. he has been a nightmare and i just hope he didnt hurt kaede too much. komaeda is just sittin there and seems to have already accepted his fate. doesnt say anything but it just warmly smiling and waiting for us to end it.

i wasnt gonna miss another oppurtunity like back when he pulled the sleeping gas stunt so i stab him with the  blunt  tool over and over in the face, in his eye, chest, heart- thats wen he falls over n dies. but i keep stabbing him in the back bc this whole dream hes been after us and causing so much stress and anxiety and i want to MAKE SURE he cant get back up somehow through some sneaky tricks up his sleeve or something.

after that ordeal we make our way out the building. we somehow knew that kaede would meet us down there (dream logic i guess). the weather turns into heavy, almost sideways rain. we see kaede made it to the roof of a building across the street via zip line. shes wearing a yellow raincoat bc of the weather (lol.) we’re like yay katie made it out safe. but the gardener is like ‘i dunno, doesnt it kinda look like shes way too spotless, unscratched, untouched for having winning a struggle with komaeda?’ i dont respond and ignore his comment, but it makes a very frightening feeling and thought itch at my mind that something indeed isnt right.

heres the fuckin kick

we meet up withi kaede on the roof only for her to remove the hood of the raincoat and speak to us to reveal that this is actually komaeda with his hair dyed blonde and dressed in kaede’s clothes. hes laughing in our faces and tells us what he did and watches the despair on my face. 

after he snatched kaede from the vent, he beat her the fuck up enough to make up for the fact that he wasnt able to get chihiro too. then he cut and dyed her hair (as well as dyeing his) and switched their clothes (which he actually probably did first since kaedes clothes were spotless remember) that would explain why they were in there for hours while we outside too afraid to go in, deliberating on wat to do. he actually finished setting up with time to spare, but he used that time to just wait, so that our tensions (mainly mine) would build up so much that i would feel fed up and reach the height of my anger, so thats wen he decided it was time to t hrow the disguised kaede at us from the window. he knew the mere sight of “him” would flare up my rage. 

poor katie was so beaten n rekt that she could barely move or even speak, which is why she didnt do anything to fight back or speak. she  couldnt. thats why she, as “komaeda” just sat there and smiled. that was honestly all she could do, just smile at us and accept her fate ;-;  i fucking murdered her.

so the dream ended with komaeda dressed as kaede laughing maniacally at us in the rain with the occasional lightning strikes, like a stereotypical villain ending.

that was the end. i woke up sooooooooooooooo  shookened.

tbh tho, as bad as that dream made me feel im also in love bc ive always liked tragic stories- tragic heroes, sad endings, tearjerker movies, etc, anything sad i love it. so on one hand, im devastated this happened, but on another hand im like- this is a genius storyline. a masterpiece. i love it.

[mykethequestionista]

LITTLE AND BIG THINGS I NOTICED FROM RVB EPISODE 16

this is. pretty long. as I literally went through every scene and talked about it cause every scene was golden

- Alright, either Vic is still inside the computer, or he hacked the thing and just put his face on everything he could find

- Sarge gave Simmons a “stern” talking and I would very much like to hear how Simmons acted

- UH THE MACHINE IS FINISHED?? ALRIGHT TIME TO SCREAM

- Sarge is disappointed omg he really wanted Simmons to reconsider his choice

- Temple’s “you are an inspiration to us all” line has me laughing so much cause that’s an obvious lie

- SUPER COLONEL SARGE

- Temple actually sounded surprised when the subject of there being an intruder was brought up

- “It’s not that kind of situation, sir” well dangit Grif’s made a fool of himself again

- HE DIDN’T CHECK FOR CAMERAS THE IDIOT

- HE’S JUST RUNNING AROUND??? GRIF PLEASE

- TEMPLE THOUGHT IT WAS BIF AND HE SOUNDED SO HOPEFUL

- yes make this asshole suffer

- okay I can’t stay mad at Grif, he’s having so much fun with this

- MGS GRIF YOU NERD LMAO

- THE EXCLAMATION MARK AHHH I LOVE IT

- Grif no d o n t  e a t  i t

- Miles as Cronut was a wonderful choice omg

- GRIIIIIIIF PLEASE WHY DID THE THOUGHT OF GOING THROUGH THE VENT EVEN OCCUR TO YOU

- haha his legs I would love to hear how fun that part was animating 

- okay listen no one can call Grif fatass but Simmons it honestly sounds so different when Temple says it

- TUCKER’S “FUCK YOU” AHH OKAY I’VE NEVER HEARD HIM SO PISSED BEFORE?

- As much as I hate Temple as a character, I adore his voice. I guess it’s just the tone he uses sometimes

- bitch don’t you fucking DARE bring up Caboose in this

- OKAY SIMMONS YES GET ANGRY I WANT MORE SERIOUS SIMMONS

- did you guys hear the way he said it though, he, like, laughed a little and the tone omg yall everyone did their lines so well

- “GRIF”

- “SIMMONS”

- wait Caboose w ha t you’re colorblind

- HE’S SORRY, HE DID IT, HE SAID IT!!!!!

- “EVERYONE. SIMMONS.’

- HE’S SORRY HE LEFT SIMMONS AHHH

- HE’S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE INDIVIDUALLY

- Temple no amount of please will get him to shut up minus well shut your own mouth

- BROTP CABOOSE AND GRIF!! HE’S GENUINELY SORRY HE DIDN’T WANT TO FIND CHURCH!!!!!

- Caboose accepts the apology so quickly ;-;

- TEMPLE YOU BI T CH DONT YOU DO IT

- here I am again to scream over Tucker’s tone. He cares so much about Caboose AND Church and it breaks my heart how attached he’s become to them, so the way he just says the line gives me chills geez

- like I said earlier, Im a sucker for Temple’s voice

- THERE’S A FULL RECORDING? 

-wait where did Donut come from

- Grif and Simmon’s realization that it was a lie as they turn to each other is soooo good

- they’re killing me with the slow head movements

- alright, Im expecting someone to draw Tucker’s face after that cause DAMN I can only imagine how pissed he is (hey I may just start drawing it myself)

- CABOOSE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND DEATH AND IT’S HURTING ME TEMPLE PLEASE 

- okay Temple does have a point there cause they do treat him like a child, but he just has a different way of thinking and now that he’s just insulting Caboose’s stupidity is actually making me mad

- caboose undERSTANDS AND IM NOT OKAY

- AW SHIT I CAN IMAGINE LOCO’S FACE WHEN TEMPLE EXPLAINS HOW HE HELPED HIM WITH THE MESSAGE

- YALL IM SO CONVINCED LOCO GONNA TURN GOOD HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH CABOOSE SO BADLY AND HE ACTUALLY SOUNDS GUILTY

- BUCKY YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT

- yes may I hear about Dylan what questions do you have about her

- hnnn here comes the angst

- may I mention how easily Caboose can hurt me when it comes to just the way he talks. He sounds so broken and sad and im just in pain

- OH GOD HERE COMES THE “GOODBYE” TOPIC

- Tucker is nooot going to forgive Grif anytime soon it seems and I can’t blame him for being mad

- oh. OH. OOHOHOHOH HE’S TALKING ABOUT LOCUS AHH FAAACAKKCK LOCUS IS GONNA SAVE THE DAY

- WAAAAASH CAROLINAAAAAA AHH 

- HE SOUNDS SO TIRED HNNGNGN

- alright but it sounds like he needs to pee

- can I tell you how good it is to hear them again even though they sound terrible

- HIS NOSE. ITCHES. WASH I FEEL YOUR PAIN OMG

- I feel even worse for Carolina cause jesus that has to hurt like a bitch

- waIT WASH NO DON’T DAMMIT STAY THE HELL AWAKE 

- IM IN TEARS I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM HE’S A BABY COMPARED TO LINA

- FUUUUUUUUCUCXJXJKKC YES LOCUS MY BOOOOOOY HE’S HEEERE

- “im hallucinating again” WHAT WAS THE FIRST TIME???

- Im so happy that Locus actually sounds annoyed and tired that everyone thinks he wants to kill them. Its a big step forward bb im so proud of him

- AAAAAND ITS TIME FOR BIG BOY LOCUS TO SAVE THE DAY BuT WAIT WHERE’S LOPEZ AND WHAT PLAN DOES GRIF AND LOCUS HAVE AND WILL I GET TO SEE MORE OF MY BOYS INTERACTING AND WILL LOCO BECOME GOOD AND WILL WE GET TO SEE SARGE AND TEMPLE TALK ABOUT DYLAN AND WILL WE ACTUALLY GET TO SEE DYLAN AND JAX AND WILL I EVER NOT SCREAM ABOUT THIS SHOW? find out next time on blue vs red: the show where comedy turns into pain

[beccawastaken]

My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right? 

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it. 

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more. 

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could.  When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything. 

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war. 

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it. 

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me. 

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did. 

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot.  For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded.  They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it. 

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her.  I remember mum and the  grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like.  She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.