#catholic guilt sam carpenter

[dreamersbcll]

Chinese Satellite

it’s just a matter of time before i’m hearing things

2/4

——————————————————————————-

Sam comes home two years later.

She’s twenty years old, on the cusp of her twenty-first. There wasn’t really a good reason for why she came home. Regret for all the relationships she left behind. Maybe it was the curiosity, wondering what had changed and what stayed the same in the sleepy town she grew up in.

Mostly, it was the guilt.

One thing Sam Carpenter excelled at was dwelling in the past. Stagnant. Never moving forward.

It probably explains why she couldn’t enter the house that raised her.

A couple of minutes past midnight, Sam rolled into Woodsboro, and within half past the hour, she sat outside her old home.

The car she was driving wasn’t hers— much like the house she was outside wasn’t either. It was funny. She didn’t have a plan for coming back. She just got into Stacy’s car and drove.

She could be anywhere else. Doing anything else. But yet she was here. Living in the past again.

Getting out of the car, she wrapped her sweater around her, shivering. It was a hot May night, but this was her second time trying to get clean. Detox didn’t care for the weather. She would freeze anyway.

Sam ambled across the street, her hands digging into her skin. She walked slowly, carefully, ensuring no one could see her. If someone saw her, she wouldn’t have a good explanation for why she was here.

And if Tara saw her, well, she would have to break her little sister’s heart a second time.

As she approached the house, she noticed two lights were on. The kitchen light, and Tara’s room. The kitchen light wasn’t a shock- their mother needed it for her drunken late-night escapades. Tara’s, however, was a shock. Sam can’t recall her little sister staying up so late.

She probably missed it. A lot fell through the cracks in the last seven years.

If she squinted, she could see a cross above Tara’s bed. Funny. She doesn’t recall that.

Sam stood right outside the kitchen window, peering in. Not much has changed. The same wooden table with two functioning chairs still stood, with the same old paintings of fruit on the walls. There were still photos of the sisters- even cracked and crooked- posted all over the walls. It was comforting to know that even though she was gone, her face was still on the walls.

Her free hand fell to the cross around her neck, twirling the chain around her fingers. She knows leaning on her history with religion wasn't the right move. Nor the smart one. All it ever did was maim her and leave her barely breathing.

Sometimes, she likes to think that maybe if she prayed harder, somebody would listen.

It never worked. But maybe standing outside the house she grew up in and staring through the windows she knew well would lead to something.

Who was she to question God’s ways?

Her eyes flitted up to a picture on the wall. It was the sisters, somewhere around Sam’s eleventh birthday. The two sisters were squished together, both in their nicest church dresses. Easter Sunday.

Sam closed her eyes, taking in the photograph. She remembers that day well. In fact, she could probably relive it. The sickly sweet scent of Easter lilies, the scratchy dresses, the smell of coffee after service. She remembers Tara crying because she kneeled on a hairpin during prayer and her mami scolding both girls for being too loud.

Opening her eyes, Sam looked at the photo again, noticing the cross tightly held by Tara’s fist. It clicks. Sam does know that cross. It was the one their mami gifted both of them, one to keep and talk to God with.

She shrugged. It couldn’t hurt. It wasn’t like anyone else would be listening anyway.

Breathing out, Sam stared at the photo and spoke.

“We haven’t spoken in a while, have we?”

Already, she wasn’t very sure if she was speaking to Tara or God.

“I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in…” she trailed off, collecting her thoughts.

Laughing a bit, Sam ran a hand through her hair. This was ridiculous. Standing outside her old home in the dark, staring into a kitchen that was never really hers. Pathetic almost. But some sort of gravitational pull kept her rooted in the spot, stuck in place.

“Fuck. I guess I don’t know. I have to tell you that I’ve started looking for a warning sign. A warning sign that maybe I shouldn’t come home. A sign that I shouldn’t look for more excuses, yeah?”

Sam bit down on her lip. Hard. Lying was a sin.

Good thing she was racking them up.

“That’s a lie, I guess. The truth is, I miss you. That’s my warning sign. Yeah. Yeah, the truth is that I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. I can’t-” she hiccups, a sob caught in her throat.

Sam clears her throat, wiping her nose hastily with her sleeve. “And I’m tired. God, I’m tired. I shouldn’t have let you go. I’m sorry.”

Looking down at the cross around her neck, she shuddered. “I shouldn’t have let you go.”

She shook her head, hand grasping the chain tight off to snap it. “But I did. And now I’m twenty years old. She’s fifteen. And you probably aren’t real, so what’s the point of all this?”

Nobody answered. Nobody heard her. It was silent. Like it always was around Sam.

“I don’t know. I just wish someone would hear me. Point me the right way,” she shrugged.

Groaning, Sam let go of the chain. “But no one is there. There are just echoes. That’s it.”

Sam looks around again, waiting for someone to come out. Anyone. Someone to hear her, talk to her. Point her in the right direction. Tell her what she was doing was wrong, and there was a fitting way to fix it.

Yet, God was silent. So was her childhood home.

“Why don’t you help me? Why weren’t you there for me? Were you ever there?” she half-shouted, snapping her mouth shut.

Fuck. She shouldn’t have yelled. Someone could hear her. Someone could find her.

But nobody answers.

She turns around, almost robotically, and marches back to her car. Sam is sure if she turned around, she would be met with silence. But if she marched forward to the car, maybe she could find someone to hear her. Maybe.

And so Sam crawls into the empty arms of someone she loves, the only love she hadn’t screwed up.

Empty arms with the name heroin. The only light that bathed Sam’s face from then on was the lighter she used to spark up.

If God wasn’t going to listen, neither was she.

[dreamersbcll]

Chinese Satellite

instead i look at the sky and feel nothing

1/4 - inspired by this

——————————————————————————

Tara didn’t need anybody’s help. It was just her, the vacant bodies beside her, and an empty echo that made its home in her head. Over and over again. Repeat until death.

She wasn’t always like this. Cynical. Cold. Careful. Withdrawn. There was once a sweet little girl inside her, one who lived and breathed for family, bedtime stories, and sleepovers with her friends.

There wasn’t a particular moment where Tara realized that everything had changed— that everything wasn’t exactly what it seemed. She was a good girl, obedient, even to a fault. All she wanted to do was please her family and be just like her big sister.

Sam was an excellent big sister. She made Tara dinner every night and kissed Tara’s face all over. Nothing was better than the ages of five and ten, innocent to the world around them. Mothers could be good. Fathers could stay. Everything was going to be alright.

But around Tara’s sixth birthday, she suddenly understood and grew a conscience. Her father wasn’t always there, and Mami wasn’t all that nice. She understood why Sam had her listen to music on her iPod at night and why she never spoke to her father until he spoke to her.

The most confusing part was how everything was smoothed over, a rug over a million little toys. The Carpenters never spoke of their irregularities, their lack of proper family. They barely talked to each other in kind language, as the house was divided into three groups: the father, the mother, and the prodigal daughters. Tara didn’t understand why they weren’t the parents she thought she knew. She also didn’t understand why they didn’t talk about it.

Yet the Carpenter family was good at doing one thing together, and that was going to church. They went to church on Sunday, and the girls went to bible study every Wednesday.

There were so many rules. So many hymns. So many confusing messages. Tara was overwhelmed each time she crossed the threshold, her body tensing and her breathing growing ragged.

Somehow, Sam could see Tara’s cowardice and her fears, so her big sister took care of her. The two learned how to talk to God, how to pray, and how to listen for the voice that they yearned to receive.

Together, never alone. Two sets of bony knees hit the wooden floor, two sets of elbows pressed against unforgiving pews. Two heads bowed in unison, and two mouths moved quietly to words they hoped would save them one day.

Soon enough, Tara knows the rules inside and out. She must keep her head bowed and let the stiffness of her body in prayer become a permanent fixture in her body and mind. Eyes averted, preferably closed, but at least turned away from God’s sight. She wasn’t worthy of his glance.

However, it was the last part of prayers she was awful at. No matter how hard she tried, it always ended in numerous Hail Marys and lashings from her mother, all for the sake of correcting Tara’s sinful behavior. God wanted her arms up, hands grazing the heavens, close enough to touch but never meant to be touched.

Tara thought that was ridiculous. She knew better. It was all about making sure God knew that she was raising everything in her life up to God, letting him know that her piggy bank, her teddy bears, and even Sam were all offerings of surrender to God. She raised her hands to God, hoping he would reach down and touch her, even bless her sinful skin.

It didn’t make sense. She can’t touch God.

She’s not sure she would, even if she could.

But she couldn’t deny the hold that religion had on her. The comfort and safety of something that would always be there, even when Tara turned her back on it. Nobody would ever stay with her like religion had, as her father soon left two years later, taking Sam’s heart with him. She soon realized that her mother was never her friend, and she couldn’t depend on her comfort once Sam decided that Tara couldn’t worship her anymore.

Religion would always have her. God would always be there. Or so she thought.

God, to her, was Sam. It was the way Sam smiled at Tara when she did something right. Or how her big sister’s hands could soothe Tara’s worries and fears with the touch of a hand. God shined through Sam and bathed Tara in light and unconditional love. Sam loved her the way God was promised to love her— even though he never could rival her big sister’s love.

And then Sam leaves in the middle of the night, vanishing into the unforgiving darkness she would never be able to fight through.

Tara’s suddenly alone, no one else around her to care for her or love her.

Her Mother tried to reason with Tara, and tried to force her to understand that Sam’s departure was actually a blessing in disguise.

Christina would find Tara in the dead of night, staring out the window to a starless sky, trying to find her light. Her mother would wrap a hand around Tara’s shoulder, nails digging into the skin that she made.

“You don’t need your sister anymore. She is a sinner, and sinners choose their destiny. Do not follow her down the devil’s path. That only leads to pain and destruction,” she whispered, her mouth grazing the edge of Tara’s ear, forcing goosebumps to grow down her body.

“Samantha made her choice, mija. It’s time for you to choose now: God or the Devil. You know what the Devil wants. You know where he lives. Don’t be stupid. Ve con Dios.”

Tara tries to ignore her mother’s relentless demands and efforts to force her down the path she lived. She knows that God isn’t real because why would someone like that strip Sam away from her? Why would God take away someone that Tara believed in more than him?

The answer was clear. God wasn’t there. The Devil wasn’t real.

But damn it to hell, she would be lying if she said she didn’t pray anymore.

God ripped it all from her hands, all her hopes, dreams, and love, and swore it was all gone. She only had him now, and she had to trust in him if she ever wanted to feel loved again. Nobody else would ever love her unconditionally as he did. Tara had to give in. It was all she had left.

God ripped out all she had just to say that he had won.

God won.

But she gave him all.

And it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

Religion was futile. It was an echo. Nobody was there. Nobody was going to save her. Why bother? Why pray for her sister to return when Sam left her just like God did?

Yet, Tara still finds herself at the mercy of the book and a chain of heads dangling from her hands.

She knows, and she knows well, where this path leads her. An echo in her head, words falling on ears that were never there. Always the disciple, never the divine. Always the believer, never the chosen.

And yet, she still sank to her knees and lowered her head, signing her fate away to someone who wasn’t listening.

[blackwolfstabs]

this hurt a lot.. but it's good to see you around, @dreamersbcll 🩶

Chinese Satellite

it’s just a matter of time before i’m hearing things

2/4

——————————————————————————-

Sam comes home two years later.

She’s twenty years old, on the cusp of her twenty-first. There wasn’t really a good reason for why she came home. Regret for all the relationships she left behind. Maybe it was the curiosity, wondering what had changed and what stayed the same in the sleepy town she grew up in.

Mostly, it was the guilt.

One thing Sam Carpenter excelled at was dwelling in the past. Stagnant. Never moving forward.

It probably explains why she couldn’t enter the house that raised her.

A couple of minutes past midnight, Sam rolled into Woodsboro, and within half past the hour, she sat outside her old home.

The car she was driving wasn’t hers— much like the house she was outside wasn’t either. It was funny. She didn’t have a plan for coming back. She just got into Stacy’s car and drove.

She could be anywhere else. Doing anything else. But yet she was here. Living in the past again.

Getting out of the car, she wrapped her sweater around her, shivering. It was a hot May night, but this was her second time trying to get clean. Detox didn’t care for the weather. She would freeze anyway.

Sam ambled across the street, her hands digging into her skin. She walked slowly, carefully, ensuring no one could see her. If someone saw her, she wouldn’t have a good explanation for why she was here.

And if Tara saw her, well, she would have to break her little sister’s heart a second time.

As she approached the house, she noticed two lights were on. The kitchen light, and Tara’s room. The kitchen light wasn’t a shock- their mother needed it for her drunken late-night escapades. Tara’s, however, was a shock. Sam can’t recall her little sister staying up so late.

She probably missed it. A lot fell through the cracks in the last seven years.

If she squinted, she could see a cross above Tara’s bed. Funny. She doesn’t recall that.

Sam stood right outside the kitchen window, peering in. Not much has changed. The same wooden table with two functioning chairs still stood, with the same old paintings of fruit on the walls. There were still photos of the sisters- even cracked and crooked- posted all over the walls. It was comforting to know that even though she was gone, her face was still on the walls.

Her free hand fell to the cross around her neck, twirling the chain around her fingers. She knows leaning on her history with religion wasn't the right move. Nor the smart one. All it ever did was maim her and leave her barely breathing.

Sometimes, she likes to think that maybe if she prayed harder, somebody would listen.

It never worked. But maybe standing outside the house she grew up in and staring through the windows she knew well would lead to something.

Who was she to question God’s ways?

Her eyes flitted up to a picture on the wall. It was the sisters, somewhere around Sam’s eleventh birthday. The two sisters were squished together, both in their nicest church dresses. Easter Sunday.

Sam closed her eyes, taking in the photograph. She remembers that day well. In fact, she could probably relive it. The sickly sweet scent of Easter lilies, the scratchy dresses, the smell of coffee after service. She remembers Tara crying because she kneeled on a hairpin during prayer and her mami scolding both girls for being too loud.

Opening her eyes, Sam looked at the photo again, noticing the cross tightly held by Tara’s fist. It clicks. Sam does know that cross. It was the one their mami gifted both of them, one to keep and talk to God with.

She shrugged. It couldn’t hurt. It wasn’t like anyone else would be listening anyway.

Breathing out, Sam stared at the photo and spoke.

“We haven’t spoken in a while, have we?”

Already, she wasn’t very sure if she was speaking to Tara or God.

“I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in…” she trailed off, collecting her thoughts.

Laughing a bit, Sam ran a hand through her hair. This was ridiculous. Standing outside her old home in the dark, staring into a kitchen that was never really hers. Pathetic almost. But some sort of gravitational pull kept her rooted in the spot, stuck in place.

“Fuck. I guess I don’t know. I have to tell you that I’ve started looking for a warning sign. A warning sign that maybe I shouldn’t come home. A sign that I shouldn’t look for more excuses, yeah?”

Sam bit down on her lip. Hard. Lying was a sin.

Good thing she was racking them up.

“That’s a lie, I guess. The truth is, I miss you. That’s my warning sign. Yeah. Yeah, the truth is that I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. I can’t-” she hiccups, a sob caught in her throat.

Sam clears her throat, wiping her nose hastily with her sleeve. “And I’m tired. God, I’m tired. I shouldn’t have let you go. I’m sorry.”

Looking down at the cross around her neck, she shuddered. “I shouldn’t have let you go.”

She shook her head, hand grasping the chain tight off to snap it. “But I did. And now I’m twenty years old. She’s fifteen. And you probably aren’t real, so what’s the point of all this?”

Nobody answered. Nobody heard her. It was silent. Like it always was around Sam.

“I don’t know. I just wish someone would hear me. Point me the right way,” she shrugged.

Groaning, Sam let go of the chain. “But no one is there. There are just echoes. That’s it.”

Sam looks around again, waiting for someone to come out. Anyone. Someone to hear her, talk to her. Point her in the right direction. Tell her what she was doing was wrong, and there was a fitting way to fix it.

Yet, God was silent. So was her childhood home.

“Why don’t you help me? Why weren’t you there for me? Were you ever there?” she half-shouted, snapping her mouth shut.

Fuck. She shouldn’t have yelled. Someone could hear her. Someone could find her.

But nobody answers.

She turns around, almost robotically, and marches back to her car. Sam is sure if she turned around, she would be met with silence. But if she marched forward to the car, maybe she could find someone to hear her. Maybe.

And so Sam crawls into the empty arms of someone she loves, the only love she hadn’t screwed up.

Empty arms with the name heroin. The only light that bathed Sam’s face from then on was the lighter she used to spark up.

If God wasn’t going to listen, neither was she.