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fayoftheforest · 2 years ago

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rating CATG based on how sickly I think they’d be <3

(part two to this post about the main five :)

Craig: 8/10. We’ve all heard this motherfucker speak. This guy’s sinuses are Fucked Up! He has a recurring case of the sniffles and he is not happy about it >:( He rarely gets seriously ill, but even a minor cold is enough to have him moping about with a cartoon rain cloud over his head. He is simply So Over being sick, and can you blame him? His sinus troubles often lead to headaches, or worse, earaches, which sucks major ass. No matter how much of a dickhead he may be, his pitiful appearance when ill is enough to melt even the coldest of hearts.

Clyde: 6/10. Oh my god, is this guy gross when he’s sick :/ You know those little kids who cough as loudly as possible with their eyes bugging out of their head, right into your fucking face? Clyde was that kid, and he never grew out of it. He is just simply so overwhelmed by how shitty he feels, that he feels the need to constantly remind everyone else of it too! Pity is his lifeblood. If he’s lucky, he’ll get a couple tuts and a “Poor thing,” and if he’s even luckier and has a Special Someone then perhaps they’ll agree to stroke his hair whilst he lies, snivelling, with his head in their lap.

Jimmy: 4/10. In contrast to Clyde, the absolute last thing he’s after is pity when he’s ill. He’s out here making crack-ups between coughs and grinning like this whole sickly business is some sort of private joke. People ask him how he’s feeling, and he’s like, never better lol! And they’re like, um?? Lol?? If things get bad, he will quietly ask a close friend or Special Someone for assistance, and whether they might be able to take care of him for a few days. He might secretly feel a little anxious about being a burden on his caretaker(s), but they reassure him that’s never the case, and he’s able to rest easy with them by his side until he recovers—goofing around all the while, of course.

Tolkien: 2/10. Being vitamin C’s number one biggest fan, Tolkien’s immune system is thriving. He rarely gets sick, which of course pisses off those in his life who do, because it’s Just Not Fair! Just because he gets a full nights sleep, eats plenty of fruit and veg, and regularly exercises doesn’t mean he should be able to float through life this easily! How dare he >:( On the occasion that he does fall ill, he will do the sensible thing and rest up until he’s feeling better. In doing so, he will be careful to isolate himself so that he doesn’t spread it around. Sure, he might get a little lonely, but he doesn’t mind too much, and reassures himself it’s the best thing to do right now. However, this gets his friends very worried because Tolkien is sick?? Sick all alone?? By himself?? With no one to help/make things worse?? Oh, that simply will not do! Cue the rest of the gang showing up unannounced at his door, interrupting his tranquillity to “take care of him”. He’s all, ‘Guys, you really shouldn’t be here, I’m contagious,’ but do those fuckers listen to him? Hell no! Which of course leads to the rest of the gang catching his cold, leaving him to deal with the fallout, exasperated. (But perhaps that’s for another post >:)

Tweek: 7/10. This guy never sleeps and lives on a diet of coffee beans which may or may not be laced with meth. You think he has what it takes to fight off a cold? Please. His immune system is in shambles. But because Tweek is already pale, with chapped lips and dark rings under his eyes, it’s hard to tell when he’s come down with something. The true tip off to his poor health is his drowsiness. His typical skittish, light-sleeper status is no more. You could crash symbols next to his ears and he’d just huff and roll over. No longer a nocturnal menace to society, Tweek is out cold by 7pm every night, and does not rouse until 11am the next morning, peppering the rest of the day with naps. During the fleeting moments when he’s awake, he is mumbling about headaches and a dry mouth, and how everything is terrible and life is just a never-ending cycle of suffering and anguish, or something. On the plus side, he will carelessly fall asleep cuddled up to whoever is sitting next to him on the couch, which is pretty cute.

Thanks for reading! I’d love to see your own headcanons & ratings too :)

#south park #sp craig #sp tweek #sp clyde #sp jimmy #sp tolkien #i actually loved writing these so much i'm definitely gonna do more headcanon stuff in the future ^-^#headcanons

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