#carrots and berries and woodland forage shit like some fucking rabbit and id only ever manage like 400 calories a day and id be dead by now
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On the one hand I haven't eaten anything today and that's definitely a failure by rehab standards, on the other hand I ate an entire 2000 calories yesterday and if I eat anything right now I think I might throw up. So.
I guess it is what it is. I just want to be a normal person who eats normal amounts of food. Why is that so damn hard?
#i made a joke to my grandma the other day about slowly starving to death#and she said back 'youd think youd be thinner then'#and i know she didn't mean for that to matter to me like it did but like#that's what everyone says#no one ever believes that i simply dont eat#they look at me and they think to themselves#thats someone who must eat a lot who must love food who must get plenty and need to cut back#and it has simply never occurred to someone from looking at me that i fight tooth and fucking nail#just to crack 800 calories a day#never not once not in 15 years but it's been true that long#and its so exhausting to be called a liar to be told i need to be more honest in my food diary to be told to eat better#like bitch if i were eating for me do you think id eat this shit?????#no i eat what i do because im desperately trying to pack in enough calories in a day and i know i physically cant eat enough#if i were eating for me it would be all#carrots and berries and woodland forage shit like some fucking rabbit and id only ever manage like 400 calories a day and id be dead by now#i dunno man i just get so tired i try so hard to do as im told to eat to sleep to shower to take my meds to function but i just#i just can't man#i often think about the fact that im probably just fighting the inevitably institutionalization that has been waiting for me since age 14#but whatever
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