#careeruncertainty

[30sdiary]

October 31 2024

It has been days since the HR of V company confirmed the offer with me verbally but still, I’ve got no official paper, so basically on paper, I’m still having no job after I finished my last working day on 7th. But I’m feeling more comfortable with it, actually I really am not waiting for the offer to come sooner, I want to hang in this city a little bit more to see if these new connections are going anywhere. O and I are talking constantly and connected at a very deep level, but somehow, I haven’t figured out being with him myself, but I’m really attracted to him. M and I are not talking every day the way O and I did, but he is having very clear intention in our dating and I can feel that we are both attracted to each other and I’m feeling happy and comfortable with having him around. Those are both new connections but kind of fruitful and both are really making me feel loved and safe, just in different ways. Clearly M will have his path way in front of us for me but I’m not that sure about O. I’m just attracted to him naturally by the way we communicate but I don’t really feel that level of trust and connected in a way that we could be a couple. So now coming back to Hanoi is me giving up on those new connections and come back to my own loneliness again. It would take me a while to adjust, but it is really difficult to stay in this city having no job. My resume is sent but I’ve got even no interview from all the companies in this city. So now if the offer comes, I would be having to make a very tough decision on myself to choose between come back to my loneliness and a lot of money, or staying with these new connections and no money currently in this city. At this moment I still can’t make such decision yet. I think I would just take the offer and hang on in this city a little bit longer, but in one month, things totally can change.

Today I helped O to connect with my therapist, hopefully it can solve the mental issue of his daughter, the thing that he has been struggling. If he can work it out, what I did might help saving a child from being abused, getting a mom to be able to love her child in a good way, and helping O to release his burden on his shoulder. I hope it can help, at least so that he can have a sense of being supported by me, rather than having to be a place for me to rely on all the time. Tomorrow M and I would go to see a horror movie, I think the reason I can’t watch this gerne is that I have too many fears inside my body and can’t just entertain it. This movie is kind of intriguing for me and I hope by going through my own fear just once may enlighten me with some idea to get over my subconscious fear about people. He is interested in making a move very actively and I kind of like his genuine intention. We don’t have to hide the intention and interest in each other, the way he kept a distance in texting somehow made me comfortable with not being overwhelmed. We had a slight handholding moment and I felt really warm by the way we connected. However, I haven’t really known about him in a deeper level and I think I need to get to know it better.

Things have been going well recently, I started having a feeling that I can be around good people and started to believe that a good authentic feeling of being loved could really heal people. I think that is the feeling M and I can bring to each other. I’m really thankful for having him around this time. We were feeling happy with being with each other. Between confusing with what is going to happen next month, I’m still grateful for having some potential opportunities of work, and some potential good connections at this moment.  Shit, somehow talking to my mom about the fact that I’m still not having any offer coming is getting me frustrated. I’m so torn and can’t continue this journaling any more, I can only feel my insecurity, my anxiety and anger… there is no way I can be gratitude to anything at this moment. I’m going to wrap thing up and getting to my therapist.

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