#cant wait to spend my first pride out of the closet!!!!

[baffling-bisexual-quack]

HAPPY PRIDE YOU SILLY LITTLE 2SLGBTQIA+ CUTIES!!!! 

[eucanyon]

         ·ﾟ☀  i am so hype to be here nobody gets it and even MORE hype to be bringing my baby boy canyon ....... i already can feel that everyone is absolute chef’s kiss and i cant WAIT to plot w u all ! my name is 𝐭𝐞𝐝𝐝𝐲 , utilizing she / her pronouns and knowing nothing about percy jackson but trying my absolute best . i do prefer dis.cord for plotting so if you’d like to swap users that’d be grand , without further delay ( i googled if it was ado or adieu but apparently it’s all wrong throw the whole phrase away ) below the cut you can read a bit about canyon ! 

             ⟨ MASON GOODING. CIS MAN. HE / HIM. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐎𝐍 𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐒 is actually a descendent of ZEUS. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY - TWO year old PRE-LAW from CHICAGO, USA has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 & 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐄 .

 — 𝐁𝐈𝐎 .

              ‘ you gotta work twice as hard to be half as good .                           you gotta be twice as good to get half the recognition . ’

it’s the earliest phrase he remembers hearing . his grandparents , a duo running the local church services just a block away from their chicago inner city apartment , fill the shoes left by a mother who left her wedlock-born son in the hands of people more capable than she and a father nobody had ever met . his clothes come from the church donation bin and his toys are hand-me-downs from neighborhood kids outgrowing their phases . he pays for football like most of the boys on his team , camped out in front of grocery stores and shopping malls with a bell and a collection bucket with a nervous spiel of “ please help us earn new pads for our football team ” spewing from each child the moment they make eye contact with anyone sympathetic enough to turn their way .

canyon’s held to a higher standard than the neighborhood kids . he comes home before it even starts to turn dark , he has a closet full of perfectly ironed shirts that he tucks neatly into his waistline every sunday morning , he calls anyone that even looks a few years older than him sir or ma’am . he spends afternoons in a rigid schedule : help grandma cook and clean , football practice , homework , and a half hour of television before bed . he gets a choice , if he wants to invite the neighbor’s kids over for that sliver of free time , or keep it to himself . it was a source of embarrassment for him at first , to have a bedtime matching that of his elderly caretakers , but after a certain point , it becomes a source of pride for canyon — he’s lauded by teachers and coaches alike as the best behaved and most respectful ( albeit , also the quietest ) boy of any group he inhabits .  

he struggles in school at first , and not simply in the social element . his teachers express concern by his absolute silence , but given that he answers questions and doesn’t cause any issues for them , concerns are brushed off . his handwriting leaves much to be desired and his literacy skills are behind his grade expectations , but he excels when offered oral options for responses and follows logic like a champ . though his grandparents can’t quiet afford a formal tutor , but his teachers offer a bit of informal help in the often time that his grandparents run late to pick him up . they note to his grandmother that canyon is a workhorse , putting in much more work than what is asked for and seeing a steady improvement in his grades due to this . she’ll smile , and canyon will repeat their mantra in his head on the way home .

his mom appears every few months over major holidays , bag of trinkets in tow . canyon quickly learns that ignoring the toys means she’ll talk more to him than about him to his grandparents as if he’s not there , curling up in her lap like a cat vying for her attention . he shoves straight - a report cards and mvp trophies into her hands as long as he can remember , one thanksgiving she comments on his hair getting too long and by christmas he’s gotten it shaved clean . every comment she makes he squeezes for some semblance of recognition , a baby bird screaming out to a blinded parent :    ‘ see me , i’m here . see me , if only this once . ’

his father is a forbidden topic in the house and his mother skirts around conversations of him , which bothers canyon , but his community is that of a village - raising mindset . older brothers become mentor figures , uncles become surrogate fathers , grandfathers pass down tokens of wisdom . it seems no household is truly ever without the nurture of a parent figure , and canyon grows up acutely aware of how lucky he has it in his little apartment complex telling the story to himself every night : a mother who loved him enough to give him the life he deserved , a father clearly not worthy of being in the picture . canyon , a boy with the bare minimum , sees it as more than enough .

a pudgy , quiet child following a robotic schedule doesn’t quite inspire the vision of a progeny to the king of the gods . canyon’s only friends are the ones he’s grown up with and the cousins subbing in as the siblings he was never given , his grandmother being perhaps the first person he tells anything to . but he can’t bring himself to open up when his mother begrudgingly confides a secret in him , taking him out for ice cream as an early birthday gift . he has half a mind to let his grandma know she showed up to her visit under the influence , high off whatever would make her deranged enough to tell canyon his father is a shapeshifting greek god who will be reaching out to him to hone his powers in a few days — but he quickly realizes that snitching would mean even less time spent with a mother who already only sees him in minimal increments . as with everything in life , he keeps it to himself , a move that would pay off when he’s approached by perhaps the most terrifyingly imposing man he’s seen in his life at a church service the day before his birthday .

his father is , despite all the obvious flaws , perhaps everything canyon has dreamed of becoming . they talk briefly during the service and make official introductions before he escapes into the day , promising to return and explain more in time . and he does . canyon’s sure to keep to himself who he’s quietly chatting with in the back pews every sunday , but he and his father talk at length in the relative secrecy of hushed voices in a boisterous sermon . the man doesn’t explain much about how he met canyon’s mother , nor what he does in general , but fills in all the gaps left by his mother’s erratic attempt at a conversation . the man buys canyon a new set of cleats for his birthday and notes to him that he can continue to fill in the gaps if he considers spending his summers away . he’ll make it happen , canyon simply has to agree .

and he does . his grandparents are less than thrilled to think that he’ll be away from them for three months and the fact that he’s making a lot of these details up as he goes nearly gets him caught , but his father helps him conceive a ruse so convincing , they’ll be able to leave his grandparents out of the whole demigod conversation .

and it seems almost as soon as he had found something resembling the parents he so longed for , they leave him perhaps more alone than before . his mother is jailed for a sequence of bad decisions and zeus makes himself a figure less and less , eventually becoming clear to canyon that he too will skirt along with the bare minimum , claiming him at 13 and tapering off the effort he exerts as canyon begins to make a name for himself throughout the american demigod scene . his camp friends ask if he’s planning to attend eonia and canyon makes it clear that he refuses , a full ride scholarship to howard university the only thing in his sights for the future . he wants to detach himself from the culture being force down his throat by these demigod hypocrites , he wants to be adamant in his pride over being a black american fighting for change .

a change of heart comes perhaps on a whim . his father makes an offhand comment about “ what a shame ” it is that canyon doesn’t see himself as cut out for demigod school . the boy , now every bit a young man after his growth spurts leave him at an imposing 6’3 and football shapes his body into a vessel of solid muscle , commands the energy of every group he’s thrust into , a pillar of his community and recognized as the one who will bring their neighborhood into greatness . driven , intelligent , and powerful , canyon grows into his role as the champion , and it becomes apparent that his father wants to push the vision of his own contribution forward where it counts , and canyon — the one born into nothing , wants to grow into something .

eonia welcomes him with open arms and before he even opens his mouth , it’s apparent that he carries himself like the son of a king : though he is quick to distance himself from his father who he had once so - idolized . in his head , he sets out to become something notable without the need to precede himself with his father’s name ; canyon is a force of nature all by his own creation , and he refuses to credit his own well - earned accomplishments to a father who was hardly that . he plans to use eonia to close the demigod chapter in his life , hoping he can hone his powers enough to then never use them , hoping to remain solely involved in the mortal world with no mind given to the demigods’ drama . he plans to attend law school directly upon graduating and become the next spearhead of a political movement with the goal of true justice for all disenfranchised people in mind .

 — 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 .

 canyon ellis has made a name for himself despite his relative silence , a reputation preceding him even without the influence of his godly father’s name behind him . if anything , canyon represents what the ancient greeks perhaps idolized zeus to be — minus the hedonism that brought upon so much of the chaos plaguing his tales . a boy brought into the bare minimum becomes a man making due with the bare minimum , and canyon is known for a rhetoric that can prove a point out of anything . he’s an introvert in extrovert’s shoes , often spotted around teammates or other members of his clubs though he’s oft the last to say a word , choosing instead to observe in silence with those intense stares he’s become so well - known for . intimidating is perhaps an understatement when you pair his stature with his energy , the strength in his reservation and the discipline in his blood , standing tall and unwavering in his beliefs . he speaks with intention and though he’s most known for his serious side , he carries himself with a humble confidence that allows him to speak his truth with ease and stand up for what he believes in most , unafraid to call out those on the other end of his remarks . though he’s stern and admittedly reserved , he’s not shy , and pushes himself to reach beyond his areas of comfort in order to truly live up to the expectations he places on himself : expectations that are perhaps too high for him to realistically achieve in this lifetime .

though intense , canyon has a soft spot for those closest to him and though he won’t be the one stirring up the entertainment , he’s often biting back a smile at the antics of his loved ones , one of his catch phrases being “ i get the joke , i’m just not laughing because it’s not funny , ” followed by a pat on the head . he’s stern but not entirely humorless , kind but no - nonsense , and tends to hold himself to a certain standard of seriousness in most circumstances . he’ll let loose on the occasional night out , but there’s a sense of tension to him that seems clearly prepared to leap back into his leader shoes and fix whatever disaster may present itself . a projection of strength , poise , and dignity , canyon’s aptitude for leadership is equally his greatest strength and his biggest weakness , imbuing him with a moral compass and a sense of empathy that sometimes makes the world too black and white for him , refusing to see any circumstances that may complicate or excuse something .

his views on loyalty are severe and have left him with a handful of people he’s all but erased from his life , burning bridges without second thought though many in his circle advise him to reconsider . there’s right , and there’s wrong in his world , with nothing in between despite the fact that sometimes , there isn’t as clear cut of an answer as he claims there to be .

pair this with the trauma of his abandonments during the upbringing he faced and it comes together to result in a boy walking in a man’s shoes , fingernails digging into palms with the fever of all the words he bites back , fueled by a crusade for justice to give him some sense of worth — perhaps the only thing holding him together at this point .

— 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂 .

AESTHETIC : uphill runs fueled by answer by tyler the creator blaring through your headphones , the perfectionism of a virgo and tenacity of a taurus , falling asleep to the swan by camille saint saens , vision obscured by hot tears , the flex of your jaw as you bite back a comment , the unsettling rumble in the air just before the strike of thunder , kendrick lamar blasting from your classic mustang , picking up the pieces of a shattered porcelain bust , the primal sense of connection in a team huddle , thunderous pounding of your pulse in your ears , being voted “ most likely to become president , ” a wide stance with arms crossed over your chest , power drawn from unity , never division .

my inspos for him were chiron / black from moonlight , erik killmonger from black panther , and batman lmao . i guess maybe some steve rogers ? 

he’s the captain of the rugby team !

grew up playing football but the moment he casually played a rugby match at camp and interlocked into a scrum was the moment he was forever converted and has loved the sport ever since . he plays as a lock .

as a pre - law student , he’s in mock trial , as well as in the social justice collective . he is vice president of the black student collective and is an active and passionate member who is outspoken about black identity on campus

[kateaustinn]

when you lived the first 20 years of your life in fear of being gay but now you celebrate it every day 🏳️‍🌈⁣ #mood ⁣ i never thought i would come out to anyone but my friends. i was outed to my parents and it started a snowball effect of forcing myself to face my biggest fear. ⁣it was horrible at the time but looking back, i’m grateful i didn’t spend another second in the closet. ⁣🚪 ⁣ it took some time and a lot of soul searching but now i have my soul mate, a life where my sexuality is celebrated and i live in a place where there are rainbow crosswalks. ⁣🌈 ⁣ it really does get better. it may not be the better you always imagined for yourself but i’m telling you, it’s even better than that. ⁣♥️ ⁣ choosing to live my life for me and my happiness was the best decision i’ve ever made. i am here, i’m queer and i’m not going anywhere. i cant wait to spend as much time as i can being a safe place for you all to come and let your walls down and be YOU ✨ ⁣ i love you all and i’m so proud of you. keep pushing through every single day and working towards a better tomorrow. ♥️⁣ ⁣ tag some people that inspire you to be the best & most authentic you that you can be. i’m gonna⁣ tag mine in the comments! ⁣ ⁣ photo: @daytodaychase⁣⁣ hair: @hairbyalyssagallen⁣⁣ makeup: @__liyyahhxx ⁣ dresses:⁣ @bhldn ⁣ location: @pommeradnor⁣ .⁣ .⁣ .⁣ .⁣ .⁣ .⁣ .⁣ .⁣ .⁣ .⁣ #lgbt #lgbttravel #loveislove #travelblogger #femmetribe #girlswhokissgirls #theinvisiblefemme #philly #philadelphia #nyc #lifestyleblogger #lgbtblogger #gaygirls #couplegoals #globalgaygirlgang #gaygirlgang #goodvibesonly #pride #nycpride #fashionblogger #nycblogger #phillybride #bhldn #twobrides #lgbtwedding #phillyphotographer #mrsandmrs (at Gayborhood, Philadelphia) https://www.instagram.com/p/BwWue6MAGNK/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=13sbhl01g324h

[the-sanders-sides]

inidan american (desi) logan

a sequel to this post because people asked for more and i decided that they shall receive (and also i love writing these)

fair warning, logans a bitter kid, and this isnt as positive and happy as romans post. ive experienced two different ways of being desi, one where i lived in fully asian and indian community and didnt even think id ever feel alone, and another where i moved to a place where i havent met another desi in like 7 years of living here in a 3 hour driving radius. in romans post i played into my first experience and how at home i felt. in the second experience, the one im in right now, i am much more bitter about who i am and not really knowing anyone who gets it anymore. so i play into that A LOT in this. so keep that in mind. (and he will get happier in a future part. m planning on making this into a series)

ok so first off. his name is logan sanders. people (mostly other indians) dont believe him when he tells them. he tells them they dont know indian history. they say they do. he tells them that the british fucked around (quite literally) in india for four centuries so of course english names would stick with that precise wording

sometimes when he’s annoyed enough and doesnt want to explain this for the millionth he defends himself with this russel peters skit (watch it, it’s hilarious) because it describes his family. to a T. 

he grew up in a community with not very many asians, and knew no indians outside his family so he felt a sort of disconnect to his culture

while his grandparents and parents would teach him about indian culture, he felt so distant from it since he knew no one outside his family who was indian, and since he didnt have any siblings or any nearby cousins to hang around with

he had visited india once but he was too young to remember it properly or too remember his cousins

the closest mandir was an hour away so that also limited the amount of indian kids/people he knew

he barely knew hindi because everyone in his family spoke english, especially in public

he felt guilty over the disconnect he felt and would always try to bridge it but would never accomplish this because it he kept losing passion since he rarely saw other people like him in the real world and in the media and he didnt see the point of trying

this all changed in eight grade when he moved next door to the Kumar family in a north indian street of some south asian blocks in an asian community

when his family first moved, the Kumar family invited the Sanders over to welcome them

it turns out the Kumar’s had a son who was the same age as logan

“hi logan! im rohan kumar! but i like going by roman instead of rohan!” 

this introduction pissed logan off 

he was seething because why would this kid who got to have an indian first AND last name change his name to an english one! why didnt he see the value of his name!

he knew right away that such a difference meant they could never be friends 

“im logan sanders, but thats all youll get to know about me because i see no use associating myself with someone as... well, ignorant, as you”

roman decides to whip out one of the swears his cousins taught him and whisper shouts “who are you calling ignorant, bhenchod?” 

 it became clear to him that this was new turf, and people on this new turf must be speaking hindi. and that he was the ignorant one if he couldnt talk in hindi. he made a vow to learn it as fast as he could to make sure this roman kid wasnt better than him

but, logan grits his teeth and says “you, and i know it must be true because you were too dumb to understand me the first time”

this evidently struck a sore spot in roman because he didnt fight back but just stalked away. logan smiled slightly, happy to have won that argument

logan asks his grandpa to teach him hindi and his grandpa gets super excited

they start lessons immediately and despite barely hearing it growing up, it’s as if his brain was made for this because he picks the language up amazingly fast and in a months time, while not able to speak back yet, he can understand most casual conversation

his first diwali in basically little india is the most magical thing ever

diwali at his old home was very quiet because there wasnt anyone around to celebrate with

everyone is so happy in this new home however. everyone is dressed up and all the houses are lit up and there are diyas everywhere and he doesnt want to admit it but the kumar’s have the best rangoli on the street and it’s because of roman and he knows roman did it because sometimes he’d stare out of his bedroom window while doing homework and have a perfect view of roman delicately working on it for two weeks

(the kumar’s front porch had been covered with tarp waiting for diwali to make sure romans precious rangoli wasnt stepped on or ruined. when it’s finally let up, everywhere where there could be art, there is. it’s insane how good at colors roman is, logan thinks)

diwali morning: 

he fights his parents because he doesnt want to miss school for diwali because americans dont have a day off for it. his parents set the clocks in the house ahead to make him think he overslept so he would skip school. (logan didnt know that his parents had submitted an excused absence form for religious reasons and that the school was very understanding. he thought it would be like his old school where he wouldnteven bother trying since he wasnt christain and the school was lkinda discriminatory)

they spend the morning in mandir and it’s nice. for once he doesnt feel different from his peers because he goes to mandir and not church or synagogue. he feels at home.

diwali afternoon:

the afternoon is spent with frantic cleaning and cooking and digging around for the diya’s that were still in boxes, packed away from when they moved

logan offered to find them all to continue with a diya science experiment he started two years prior. his theory was that the diya’s were multiplying and there were more each year despite no one buying anymore

this held true, because even though he could only find half of their diya collection, it was somehow more than the entire diya collection of two years prior. 

diwali evening:

theres a big potluck and everyone in the neighborhood is out talking to each other, looking at the decorations at everyones houses, eating samosas, and playing with sparklers. 

logan feels content

he makes a new resolve to learn more about hinduism. if this is what ti was supposed to be, then he never wanted to be away from hinduism. 

he looked at the metaphors and symbolism in everything and finally understood what his dad meant he told logan that hinduism is just science written in poetry and that string theory is written in the ancient texts

middle school in this new town is so much better than middle school in his old home. why?

a. doesnt get bullied for being a nerd

b. doesnt get called gay slurs 

c. the classes are harder 

d. much less racism

e. all of the above

soon enough, logans asking his grandpa to teach him how to cook Indian food

Logan spends the day burning dosas and making lopsided rotis

(eventually he gets the hang of it, and a he'll be cooking food for an infuriating Indian boy ;) ;) psst it's roman)

Speaking of boys

Coming out isn't an option for logan

He knows that his parents arent really religious enough to really look into hinduism and see that no, gays are not bad

But they are traditional and conservative enough to be homophobic

not homophobic as in spewing hate with the westboro baptist church at a pride parade

But homophobic as in "the gays are fine as long as they don't do it in front of me" kinda thing

So Logan stays quiet

the closet kinda sucks but i mean what can he do

it’s safer inside, and he as illogical as wishing is, he wishes that people would use their brains and realize there’s nothing wrong with gay

anyway

in school logan makes his first desi friend, who was dubbed as anxiety years ago and cant seem to get rid of the nickname and now has a whole complex about his name so logan doesnt know his name

logan and anxiety meet in the school library: logan studying and anxiety hiding

people dont like anxiety

especially non-indian kids

surprise surprise it’s an old buddy called racism, but anxiety’s story is for another time

(but even though no one really likes anxiety, whenever racist shit goes down, it has to go through roman)

so logan and anxiety become fast friends

and they make fun of roman (a+ bonding)

logan claims that roman is a hypocrite for changing his name to an english one while being so immersed in indian culture

anxiety doesnt dispute this, but says he has a past with roman

a past that involved getting stuck with the name anxiety

again, another story for another time

one day, when logan and anxiety are eating lunch they see roman destroy some homophobes who throw around the word f*g and keep calling caitlyn jenner, bruce jenner

logans chest surges

he’s all like “what?? emotions?? pride at roman?? is he better than me for being so open and standing up for what he believes in??”

gay panic basically

but logan masked it well and pushed it away

the next day roman comes to school with a pride patch on his jean jacket

logan feels like he cant breathe

logan is supremely jealous of roman.

he can be gay in peace

he can pretend not to be indian in a way that benefits him

and he’s not affected by stereotypes in the same way?? like what does this kid not have

and by stereotypes i mean

roman is the complete opposite of all indian and desi stereotypes: loud, flamboyant, theatrical

logan’s personality is exactly how the stereotypes are. he’s nerdy and likes science and math and it seems like he cant escape the stereotypes. they follow him. and he feels guilty that he likes science and math and is nerdy. 

as illogical as it is, he wishes he was different from how he is

but logan later learns that there are more than just his perspective on being desi and that every desi kid growing up faces challenges about it that are different than his, causing them to experience being desi differently

and logan will accept that, in another story at another time

for now, he’s just bitter. and as illogical as it is, he wishes the world was better

and now, i shall tag some people who asked to be tagged and some other desi’s who loved this because i feel like you guys might appreciate this too. also i love u. desi famders squad up.

@sssixeyedrunt @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @caterpiller-tea @xxxbladeangelxxx @snufflesthegrim227 @cloudchaser7 @thelowlysatsuma 

[shadovvlink]

angsty trans/gay rant

like a lot of people are saying they wouldnt be cis assigned gender and/or het if they could choose and. i super admire that and im happy that they can be in a place where theyre happy with who they are and not ashamed of themselves but. i would. i really fucking would. like i will stand up for ppls rights to be able to come out in a safe & supportive environment where they dont have to be shamed for being themselves til my dying breath because they deserve those good things.

but that doesnt mean i will do those things for myself. i would still rather be a cishet girl whos uncomfortable with her body rolls and a bit too depressed to do anything about it than. idk a gay trans guy whos so ashamed and disgusted with himself that it took him years to come out. to a family that claims theyre supportive but are now trying to convince him hes either spending too much time online, letting his hyperempathy get the better of him for people who actually live through that, (implying) hes just faking it to make it seem more real to him or just psychotic to the point that he lost his grip on the difference between delusion and reality. just basically trying to tell him hes not clear in the head, and telling him that if there is literally absolutely no other way out, they will let him transition. and having most of his depression stem from his body dysphoria. even though there are clear underlying issues.

ofc i know lgbt is an ok thing to be. i get so happy when ppl refer to me as male even tho i feel so much shame and self hate for making people cater to my needs at the same time. but i would rather be a cishet girl who just used to have a problem with bullying and a few abusive friends than have yet 15 more added on layers that make it so bad that i literally cant think of any other way out than to slowly kill myself either by drinking, cutting, or just end it outright and never let my issues be known to anybody. going back to therapy can only help for so long and i already bring enough shame to them by that as is.

i fucking hate causing my parents and brother this much trouble and forcing them to go through yet more things because of me. i shoud never have come out and instead just stayed in the closet and waited for this to pass. i should never have bought a binder in the first place and instead just quietly waited for this to end. but i literally just couldnt wait anymore when i was pretty much forced to come out bcus i was so upset at this point that i felt i was going to either explode or die if i kept this to myself and my circle of friends. even if i had a panic attack before telling them. and everyone around focuses specifically on the ppl regretting transitioning and are trying to tell me that basically nothing will change. my brother knows someone who went through this first hand and tells me its ok to be a masculine girl even when i told him that it just isnt enough anymore. thats great. its also the last thing i need to hear.

im really happy that i have lgbt friends that can be themselves comfortably and not hate themselves for being lgbt constantly. its so good to see them walk forwards in life with pride even when im right here wishing i wasnt myself and wishing i was literally anything else because its so much easier and i feel so weak because of it i feel like a quitter

on my period and thats probably whats making me so upset abt this but im so angry and tired of constantly being shoved back in the closet under the guise of focusing on my happiness first and people telling me how long it will take to transition and do everything and constantly repeating “but what if halfway through you realize its not The Thing™?” and how much transitioning costs the state. and just constantly trying to make me doubt myself again and again when i just keep realizing after a while that it hurt me more than it did good. and each time it just gets worse. i dont want this either, you know!!!!! id rather not have these issues more than anyone!!!!! id rather fucking die than be like this!!!!!!!! theres nowhere to vent this but here i dont know if i can trust anyone irl anymore because its just false hope on top of false hope getting crushed time and time again but i know i just cant keep clinging to things with online friends. idk i guess im just. so used to keeping things to myself i guess.

idk im just nauseous becuase of my body but i cant drink or cut because i will just get in trouble again and i cant go to any websites because nothing helps.

thinking about my body makes me crazy. trying not to think about my body makes me crazy. trying to keep myself from thinking abt having sex with men (because lets be real thats never going to happen irl) is making me crazy. trying to think about transitioning makes me crazy. talking to my parents about me getting help for this in some kind of way is making me feel like im literally 5 minutes away from being completely delirious because they make me feel like im just hallucinating this entire ordeal and deluding myself into thinking that i must be trans being the solution. i know theyre trying to focus on my happiness. i know theyre trying to make me more levelheaded about this and think rationally about what transitioning will really do to me. idfk im just a textbook crazy at this point. i dont even know anymore.

dont even make me start with being gay haha thats just a whole nother layer of bullshit and shame i dont want my parents to go through because of me.

idk i m nto meant to be crying but ut hurt sso much

[berrynarrybanana]

Stór // n.h

requested: yes ( Can you do a Niall Horan where Greg is looking after your baby and Theo accidentally hurts her/him xx If you cant it’s fine xx)

warnings: lots of fluff and lots of overwriting because i’m obnoxious and have to put in a backstory with everything and google translated gaelic for no reason other than i am a sap

I hope this is what you were looking for and I hope that you like it and thank you for requesting something and I hope you’re having a good day/night :)

p.s Maeve is a name I picked for one of Niall’s little one and I’m actually working on another domestic/dad!niall thing because I’ve always been better at writing domestic things than anything else and I hope that’s okay with everyone, also Maeve is around two or three here I think and I do believe toddler’s that age can talk enough to get their point across but I could be wrong also I don’t speak gaelic or irish, I just used google to help me with this and i’m sorry the ending isn’t better

Maeve was a fairly calm toddler.

From the time she’d been born, you expected her to be loud and overzealous much like her father and most of her family. But she was born quiet and through most of her two years of life, she remained quiet. She preferred to sit by herself and play with her toys and she had a close kinship with you and Niall. She was never clingy, but she preferred to stay close to her parents. You weren’t people who hated taking your baby places with you either. For most of her life, she went wherever you went. From the grocery store to fancy restaurants, to social events and golf matches. She was well behaved and even when she couldn’t have things her way, she would pout about them quietly instead of throwing a tantrum. Niall had planned a special day for your five year anniversary that involved you spending the day out together shopping around and a nice dinner that evening at one of your favorite restaurants and as much as you loved having Maeve with you, it was important that you both got to spend some time apart as a married couple and not just as parents with a baby.

That didn’t stop you from missing her though. Greg and Denise were babysitting and you’d sent her over early to have breakfast and to spend the day with her aunt and uncle and cousin. Theo and Maeve were good enough pals and though Theo was a few years older, he was always careful around Maeve. It had been explained to him by his parents many times before that she was smaller than he was and he couldn’t play rough with her like he did with his friends. Theo could tell how important Maeve was to Niall, so he was always on his best behavior around his cousin and he never played too rough with her. Yet you couldn’t help but be a little distracted during your special day out with Niall and he seemed to be lost in thought just like you had been the whole time.

“I swear every store we’ve been int’a has had somethin’ that reminds me of Maeve,” He cursed under his breath as you walked through a home goods store hand and hand. “That little bookcase over there would look adorable in her room, huh?”

“She has a bookcase,” You chuckled, looking at the pillows in front of you.

“Yeah, but it’s all filled up!” He exclaimed. “Where’s she gonna stick those books ya just got a that shop down the street?”

“We’re going to go through the ones she has and see what she doesn’t read anymore and we’re going to donate them,” You explained, smiling up at the horrified look on Niall’s face.

“What? How’s that fair?” He frowned. “You don’t want to keep them as memories?”

“I won’t give away her favorites Niall, but she doesn’t need all of those books,” You chuckled. “I wouldn’t throw out her favorites.”

“When do you think she’ll start reading them on her own?” He asked, sliding his arm around your waist as you looked over the comforters. “Mum said I didn’t start readin’ until I was five.”

“She’s picked up on a few words and she knows them when she sees them. It depends on how she learns and I think as long as we keep reading to her she should pick up on it.” You shrugged, looking over the bed spreads set up on the shelves in front of you. “Do you think we need a new comforter?”

“What’s wrong with ours?”

“We’ve been switching out with the same two for the last four years,” You snorted, looking up at him with wide eyes. “Don’t you want a little bit of change? Some excitement in your life?”

“More exciting things happen when the comforter is on the floor, darlin’,” He smirked, leaning forward to press his lips to yours. “But, a color change wouldn’t be half bad.”

“Help me find one then, you cheeky man.”

It was a peaceful and calm day, something you hardly ever got to experience in your hectic lives, and you were making the most of your time spent together. When you finally arrived home to drop off all of the things you’d bought in your bedroom, Niall walked out of his closet with his dress pants on his shirt unbuttoned, a smile on his face and a little bag in his hand. You had just finished putting on your stockings and your slip when he handed the little bag over to you, beaming with pride and happiness at the surprised look on your face. Normally you kept the gifts to a minimum and you assumed your gift was breakfast in bed earlier that day and a beautiful dress Niall had picked out for you at one of the stores you stopped in. But it seemed he was feeling extremely generous.

“You didn’t need to get me anything else, Niall.”

“Saw this a few months ago in store wi’ Maeve and she said I had to get it for you,” He shrugged with a smirk on his lips as you pulled the box out, a gleam in his eyes. “Persistent little one, she is.”

“Wonder where she gets that from?” You chuckled, glancing up at him as he rolled his eyes with a smile. You carefully opened the box, your eyes widening at the ornate heart shaped locket resting inside. “Niall, oh my goodness.”

“Now, I know it’s nothin’ flashy, but-“

“It’s absolutely perfect,” You cut him off, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I love it so much, Niall, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, darlin’,” He pressed his lips to the side of your head with a smile. “Look inside.”

“What did you put inside?” You pulled back, your fingers fumbling with the clasp. When it finally opened up, you cooed, your eyes welling up with tears at the picture of you, Niall, and Maeve nestled on one side and on the other side an engraving that read ‘Stór’. You looked up at Niall with furrowed brows, a soft smile on your face. “I’ve never heard you say that before, what does it mean?”

It wasn’t uncommon for Niall to speak some Gaelic around the house or when he was with family and you’d heard the term Mo stoirín before and it sounded quite similar to the word Niall had pronounced. “It translates to darlin’ or love and I’ve always called you darlin’ so I just thought it would be nice.”

“You call Maeve stoirín a lot, is that the same?” You asked, running your fingers over the engraved word in the locket as Niall’s smile grew wide. “What?”

“Means ‘little darling’ actually,” He said softly. “Because she’s the spittin’ image of her mother.”

“Oh, Niall,” You sniffled, wrapping your arms around him again, kissing his cheek softly. “You’re such an amazing father and husband, I can’t believe I’m so lucky.”

“I’m the lucky one,” He disagreed. “Let me put this necklace on ya so we can finished getting’ ready. Unless it doesn’t go wit’ your dress.”

“It’s perfect,” You said, handing it over to him. “I wanna wear it.”

As you were waiting for Niall to clasp the locket, your phone began to ring on your vanity, the shrill tone making you jump. You sighed walking over to see who was calling. When you saw Denise’s name and a picture of the two of you having lunch at one of your favorite café’s together, you frowned, worry immediately sparking in your veins. She wouldn’t be calling you if there wasn’t something wrong, not today of all days.

“Everything is alright,” Denise said quickly. “Theo just go’ a bit rough on the playground an’ pushed Maeve over an’ she scraped her hands up but she’s not really hurt, she’s just upset an’ she won’t stop crying for Niall.”

“Oh no,” Your frown deepened. “She’s usually just fine when she takes a tumble, I don’t know why she’d cry for him now.”

“We’ve got her home now and she’s not really crying loudly, just a lot of tears and sniffling,” Denise explained as Niall walked over, your bottom lip tucked between your teeth. “I thought maybe a quick call with Niall would settle her down but I didn’t want to call him first.”

“No, I understand,” You pressed your hand to Niall’s chest, turning as he tried to lean closer to hear what was happening. It was like he knew you were talking about his daughter. “We’ll give it a try and if that doesn’t work we’ll just come pick her up.”

“Oh no, love, we don’t wanna ruin your anniversary,” Denise said. “You had a whole big night planned.”

“Would you please stop walkin’ away from me with the phone, what happened with Maeve?” Niall sighed out, frustrated.

“She took a fall but she’s fine,” You said quickly. “We’ve had such a lovely day, Denise, but honestly we’ve both missed her and we wouldn’t mind picking her up.”

“Is she hurt?” Niall frowned, his brows furrowing.

“She’s just scraped her hands, Niall,” You reassured him, patting his arm as he nodded, sighing with relief. “I’m sure she’s okay.”

“Would you like to talk to your Da?” Denise said softly, Niall’s frown prominent as he heard Maeve’s wobbly ‘yes’ over the speaker on your phone. “There you go.”

“Maeve, sweetheart,” You said softly. “What’s wrong love bug?”

“Hands hurt,” She sniffled loudly. “I wan’ Daddy.”

“M’right here,” He said quickly as you bit your lip to keep from smiling. She was such a Daddy’s girl and for a while you thought she didn’t really care much about you, but you learned over the few years you’d had your little girl that your bond with her was a different kind. She needed her Daddy to fix all of her boo-boo’s and to make her laugh and she needed you to teach her things and to give her lots of cuddles. “What happened?”

“Theo was mean, he push-ed me.” She was still new to talking in full sentences, her little accent choppy, a mix of yours and Niall’s. It was the most adorable thing you’d ever heard.

“Theo pushed you?” Niall asked. “Would you like for us to come get you and bring you home Maeve?”

“Yes,” She sniffled. “I miss Mummy.”

“Alright, we’ll be there soon love bug,” You said softly. “Sit with Auntie and we’ll be there soon, okay?”

“Okay,” She sniffled again and you pouted, looking up at Niall with sad eyes as he frowned, going back to his closet.

“Thanks for calling us Denise, I’m sorry things didn’t turn out as planned.”

“Don’t apologize to me!” She chuckled softly. “I should be apologizing for interrupting your anniversary.”

“We’ll have plenty of anniversaries ahead of us, Denise, we only have a certain amount of time with the little one before she’s all grown up,” You chuckled.

“You’ve got that right,” She sighed. “Drive safe.”

“We will, thank you Denise.” You hung up your phone walking over to the closet as Niall was pulling on a plain shirt, his jeans already changed and a look of confusion on his face. You pulled a pair of sweatpants out and a sweater, glancing over at him as he looked for a jacket. “What are you thinking so hard about?”

“Why would Theo have pushed her?” He mumbled. “He’s always been good around Maeve, Greg and Denise have always told him not to play rough.”

“He’s a little boy Niall, he’s still learning right from wrong and who knows what happened. He could have just been having a bad day.”

“Yeah,” Niall shook his head, sighing. “I’ll have to have a talk with him when we get there, I’m sure he’ll tell me what happened.”

“I know I don’t really need to say it, but don’t be so hard on him,” You slipped your sweater on, walking over to him with a soft smile. “I know Maeve is your little girl, but I’m sure Greg has already scolded him.”

“My job as the fun uncle is not to scold, it’s to listen,” He chuckled pressing his lips to yours. “Even if Maeve is my little girl. Kids get scrapes and bruises all the time, I know that, even if I’m worried out of my wits about her.”

By the time you’d made it to Denise and Greg’s home, your dinner reservation had passed. You’d called ahead of time on the way over to let them know that you weren’t going to be able to make it due to a family issue and they were kind enough about it. When you walked inside their home you could hear Peppa Pig playing on the television and nothing else. Maeve loved Peppa Pig, maybe even more than she loved you and Niall. You walked into the living room first to see her tucked up to Denise’s side with her eyes trained on the television, Theo and Greg nowhere to be seen.

“Hey love bug,” You cooed softly, sitting next to her on the couch as she moved up on her knees, smiling widely as she threw her arms around you.

“Mumma!” You wrapped your arms around her, chuckling as you looked over at Denise.

“Hi,” You greeted her with a soft chuckle. “So the rest of the day was okay, right?”

“Perfect!” Denise nodded. “It was all good until she’d fallen down an’ I know she normally springs back up but I think it was just different for her knowing you weren’t there to comfort her if she really needed it.”

“I could see that,” You handed her over to Niall as he sat down next to you, her arms wrapping around his neck as she babble to him. “Thank you for watching her though. We had a really great day but we both missed her a lot anyways so we were thinking about planning dinner for another time.”

“I’m sorry Theo pushed her, I don’t know what exactly it was that made him do it!” Denise said. “I mean, Greg was pretty upset when he saw it happen. He couldn’t believe Theo would do it but they’re just kids, who really knows what could have happened.”

“I think I might know,” You said softly, leaning closer to Denise. “I think Theo misses his Uncle Niall.”

“You think so?” Denise tilted her head to the side as you nodded. “It has been a while since they’ve spent time together.”

“I could be wrong though, I don’t know what would have brought Niall up,” You shrugged.

“Maeve was telling us about how Niall plays football at the park with her sometimes,” Denise said.

“Do you think that was it?” Maeve was back to watching Peppa Pig, leaning against her Dad as he talked to his sister-in-law. “S’it really been that long since I’ve taken him to play footie?”

“Since Maeve was a baby,” You nodded. “Maybe you should go talk to him?”

“He’s locked himself away in his room,” Denise sighed softly. “He was so upset with himself after we got home. He knows he did something wrong and he’s worried Niall will be upset with him I’m sure.”

“Not at all,” Niall pressed a kiss to the top of Maeve’s head before handing her back over to you. “I know that he knows he did wrong and I’m sure Greg handled it. I’m not upset with him at all.”

“Go up there and have a chat with him then,” Denise said. “We’ll sit here and talk about what you guys got up to today.”

You and Denise spent a good amount of time talking while Niall was upstairs with Theo, no doubt talking away with his favorite nephew. When Theo was born, Niall had dropped everything he was doing and he found himself there as Theo was entering the world. Theo was the first baby he’d held and the first baby he learned how to take care of. When he was old enough to walk and talk, Niall took him out to the fields and played footie with him for hours while you and Denise sat by watching them. He was Theo’s cool uncle and they had a bond. But when you had Maeve and got busy with her, things changed. Between work and helping you with Maeve, he was exhausted, but he tried his best with Theo. He still went to all of his footie matches and he sometimes kicked the ball around with him when you were having dinner together with the family, but it wasn’t the same.

“So,” You were behind the wheel, backing out of Denise and Greg’s driveway as Niall buckled up in the passenger side. “What did Theo say?”

“That it wasn’t fair I took Maeve to the park to play footie and not him,” Niall said softly. “Shouldn’t have ignored him for so long, I’m awful.”

“You haven’t ignored him and you’re not awful, you’ve been busy,” You scolded Niall for his negative comment about himself as you put the car in drive. “And maybe you can take Theo and Maeve to play footie together? You could teach them both.”

“She hates the grass, don’t you Maeve?” He chuckled, looking back at the toddler in her seat with her toy in hand.

“It’s icky!” She agreed, nodding firmly. “Don’t like football.”

“You used to like it,” Niall looked back at her with a wide smile. “Maybe you and Mum can read a book or two while Daddy plays footie with Theo?”

“Okay,” She shrugged. “Peppa books?”

“Of course,” He nodded, looking over at you as you chuckled softly. “He was worried I would be angry with him but I told him that it isn’t nice to push people.”

“He seemed happy when you came downstairs,” You smiled over at him. “You’re an amazing uncle you know? And an even better father, Niall. I’m so proud of you and I’m so glad that you’re the man I’m lucky enough to have a family with.”

“We made a pretty cute and pleasant kid though,” He chuckled softly. “Thank you, darlin’.”

“Mumma I’m hungry,” Maeve whine from the back seat as Niall patted your thigh softly, giving it a quick squeeze. “Pizza please?”

“You want to make pizzas for dinner?” You asked her before looking over at Niall. “Sound good to you?”

“Like perfection,” He nodded with a grin. “Pizza for dinner it is!”