#cant participate in everything needed done at art school without doing full days

[aldercaps]

“this too shall pass” teeth clenched, crying

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3/29/18

reading thru this blog about three years after the last time i posted is absolutely so bizarre because i don’t even remember feeling a lot of the things i wrote about. well, i remember feeling them but not as strongly as i apparently did. i always remember never REALLY hating the way i looked and never REALLY being depressed but i guess i just minimize my own emotions or remember them incorrectly. i thought i would come back here and laugh at what an emo bitch i was in high school but it turns out ive grown so much more than i ever could have imagined

so where am i at now?

1. im currently finishing up my capstone graphic design portfolio class at community college, and im planning on transferring....somewhere...for my junior year. ive done well as far as i and my professors are concerned, and ive created a lot of beautiful projects, some even exceeding my own expectations. not to mention, i was accepted into the honors program and have had a full ride tuition for the past two years (bless up)

2. i have. new. friends. yes, the thing i thought was never possible for me. granted, it wasn’t the easiest road to get there, as my anxiety continued well into my college career and i barely spoke to most of my classmates for a solid year. i absolutely adore a lot of the design squad and im gonna miss them when i transfer away

3. speaking of the anxiety, she’s under control--not perfect, but manageable. if i need to make a phone call, i prepare what im going to say, pick up the phone, and do it. if i need to email a professor, i just send it out. if i have an event to attend, i power through. when i meet new people, i actually greet them and make attempts to be friendly and not super weird. i haven’t felt EXTREMELY anxious for anything in months, and i wish that my high school self could have had the perspective of knowing how much better it would get

4. my beliefs about how people view me have been completely shifted. i always assumed, being a flamboyant feminine alternative bisexual dude that people would think i was a weirdo or treat me with disdain but it turns out that..........nobody really cares. ive formed relationships with people from all different walks of life and ive never had a single person make a negative comment towards me, despite my strangeness. i feel so much more empowered to live my life however i want to without worrying about the opinions of others now that ive realized no one has time to worry about what you’re doing after high school.

5. i went on the most amazing roadtrip last summer with my two best friends. we went out to utah/arizona/new mexico, camped under the stars, suffered through sickness together, got stranded in the colorado mountains and had to duct tape the drivers door shut, laughed until we cried, ate gas station food for two days straight, slept in sketchy hotels, and the LANDSCAPES! ANGELS LANDING high school me never would have imagined i would do anything like that anytime in the near future, and it was genuinely the best two weeks of my life. and OH YEAH, my gay ass is going to FUCKING PRAGUE THIS SUMMER !!!!! u cant tell me shit !!!!

6. im finally losing the weight that i complained about for so fucking long. im currently 21 lbs down from my starting weight and we’re still going strong bich (okay maybe i go over my calorie goal literally every single day but who cares live a little lifes too short to not eat black pepper potato chips)

7. i bought a 35mm camera and i really want to start shooting stuff with it. this is a recent development so im not sure if i should even put this down bc chances are ill lose interest in it but im so fascinated by the medium and im super down to start experimenting. its an excuse to get out in the world and participate while also finding the beauty in everyday things and creating art, plus it has that physical quality that gets lost in translation with digital photography that always made it feel sort of hollow to me. we’ll see how it goes!

everything not perfect but its so much better man. like, better than i could have imagined. i still dont feel particularly happy but i can honestly say that im more content with my life than i have been in a long time, and i predict that things will get so much better once i move out. funny, i would have said the exact opposite thing when i posted on this blog before.

i wonder how strange this post will seem when i come back and read it in a couple years