#cant keep insta on my phone anymore

[eventually--darling]

Literally hate getting sucked into the vortex of tik tok. On any and every site these days

[drewsprincessy]

loving you was hard.

warnings: angst, anxiety, anger, comfort, arguing, crying, lmk if i missed any

summary: rafe and reader are in love, but rafe struggles to accept it, he doesnt believe in love.

part one

rafe cameron x female reader.

you had fallen for rafe, hard. it started off with stealing glances at each other every so often, then it escalated to him asking for your number. you two talked every night, dusk til dawn until you couldn't keep your eyes open anymore. you were the only person he was gentle with, the only one he would give affection to, and even crack a smile with.

he caught himself re-reading your texts and smiling at them, going through your insta posts, checking your following, checking your location, and checking when you were last online.

he thought he just needed a quick hookup, and that was all. but no. the way you smile at him and your dimple pokes through your cheek, or maybe its the way your eyes light up when your excited about something.

he doesnt know what it is, but he cant fall in love. your not important, its just all in his head.

he was sitting on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands as he thinks, he regains his composure, shaking his head to try and get rid of the thought. he lets out a long breath, and he stands up. he goes to smoke some weed.

he stops answering your calls, and even stops responding all together. he cant fall in love, he's not fit for a relationship. right?

your a mess. you'd be lying if you said it didn't hurt the way that he ghosted you out of nowhere. but i mean you cant be mad, because your still just a hookup for him. right?

i mean you thought it'd be different because hes never met up with a girl more than once, you guys have even been on real dates. not just the ones where you have sex and not talk for another 2 weeks. you two had gotten to really know each other.

you were just confused, and hurt. you decided you were gonna try to let it go. try and move on, because theres always other men out there.

~

2 weeks pass

you were at home laying in your bed, you just had on a comfy tee shirt, and some yoga shorts.

you had been scrolling thru your phone, giggling at a video you seen on tiktok. you clicked on the comments and scrolled thru them, and you were giggling until a message popped up at the top of your screen. from rafe; your smile faintly drops as you click on the message

-

imessage:

rafe: been thinking about you. um, im really sorry for ditchin you n' shit. i just been going thru stuff and didnt wanna take it out on you. im sorry alright?

y/n: its okay rafe, i understand. call if you need anything. okay?

you were so understanding, and forgiving. even with the half ass apology he gave you, you still forgave him.

-

over the next few weeks, you and rafe start going out again, he fell more and more in love with you, and you felt the same about him. he had enough of it. he couldnt be falling for you.

he was high off drugs, and his breath reeked of alcohol. he was stumbling and could barely walk. there were crowds of people around him at the party he attended to.

you had also been there with rafe, but went off somewhere with kiara and sarah. you decided the topic of conversation was boring, and excused yourself with a "ill be right back." and went to find him.

he had went off into a room with some random chick, they were making out and her clothes were half off. you had almost stumbled on your feet when you walked in, your eyes had immediately began brimming with tears. to save yourself the embarrassment you walk off, quickly as possible. trying to get the hell out of there.

rafe comes outside to where you had walked off to, he immediately catches up to you since his legs were longer, and grabs your arm "whats your problem..why are you crying?" he says, trying not to slur his words

you decide, fuck it. he doesnt care anyway. "your my problem rafe. i fucking love you, i have for a long time. and you lead me on and act like you love me the same way, but then i find you about to hookup with some random girl, that you dont even know! like i dont even exist rafe, and im gonna be honest. that shit HURTS! im so sick of this, im sick of you, and your bullshit excuses, your half ass apologies. FUCK YOU!"

rafe feels a pang of guilt in his chest, even thru the alcohol and drugs. he still manages to muster up some excuse, hes trying to hide the way he feels. "i mean..y/n. what did you expect? i told you what the hell u were gettin into. i dont gain.. feelings. so quit being a damn crybaby"

it starts to rain, and you storm off, even when he yells your name, telling u to come back you dont listen. you kick your heels off, and walk all the way home in the pouring rain.

once u get home, you delete his number, and cry yourself to sleep.

he tries to act as if he doesnt care, he drinks until he passes out.

~

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓮𝓷𝓭

[dollyhao]

loser!ellie x bully!reader

summary: ellie upsets reader and takes her punishment like a champ.

cw: cowgirl, bondage

"els take me to the mall tomorrow?" you say not even looking up from your phone, scrolling through insta. its suppose to sound like a question because ellies trying to teach you that you cant be demanding with everything you say. you ignored her when she first said that to you but you took it into consideration, not doing it so often anymore.

ellie is sitting at the bottom of her bed reading a comic book and rubbing your feet thats in her lap. "uh um, actually i cant. i have.. a test, yup a test to study for." you glance up at her with a quirked brow, her face is red and flushed but she always looks that around you so you shrug. "fine" you say rolling your eyes snatching your foot out her hand.

your not upset frfr, you know how important grades are to ellie, which is why shes always so insistent on trying to help you study.

"im staying here tonight." you say taking your pants off leaving you in a shirt and underwear, crawling under her blanket. ellie hums in approval, and joins you spooning you as you both slept.

the next day, you decided to go to the mall with a friend since ellie was busy. yall stopped at a wing place close to campus and see ellie sitting inside with those other losers, dina and jesse. ellie has never blatantly lied to you like this.

you walk over to her fuming. yea, you know the last time she tried to miss plans with you to hang out with friends you said you would block her, but you threaten to block her all the time and never do.

her back is to you when you hit her with your purse, "wtf-" ellie says turning around looking angry and confuse. her face drops when she sees you obviously upset, she looks super guilty. "your such a bitch ellie. dont fucking talking to me." you turn and leave hearing ellie stumbling and asking you to wait behind you.

you get in your friends car arms crossed frowning, "take me home." "no food?" "i lost my appetite." your friend puts the car in reverse just as ellie comes out the restaurant and yall drive off.

your in your dorm when you hear rapid knocks at your door. you get up to open the door already knowing its ellie. "what" "please let me explain" she says hands clasped together with a pleading look on her face. "i dont wanna hear it williams." you say walking away from the open door.

ellie comes in closing the door behind you, getting on her knees in front of you. "please please forgive me. im so so sorry for lying. w-what can i do so you'll forgive me? ill do anything."

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶ ༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

"this isn't fair!" ellie says tears in her eyes. "you said you'd do anything." you say out of breath. your bouncing on her dick with her laying back on your bed hands tied above her head with a pair of your stockings. you refuse to let her touch you or fuck you, basically using her as your own little toy.

"please let me fuck you, i-i can make you feel so so good!" "nope." you say putting two fingers in her mouth so she would be quiet.

you throw your head back leaning over ellie tits all in her face as you keep riding. "fuck ellie." you say taking your spit covered fingers out ellie's mouth rubbing your clit with them.

ellie lets you use her because she feels so so bad for lying to you, she lays still even though it feels like torture. you moan out biting you bottom lip looking down at ellie who looks high, drool dripping out the corner of her mouth.

" ’m close els…" "please cum for me baby." ellie says before catching one of your enticing nipples in her mouth. you fully impale yourself on her dick creaming all over her. you smile down at her rising off her walking over to the bathroom leaving her tied up.

"please tell me you forgive me?"

[stars4jazzz]

in love!

i met this guy, let's call him.. melon. the second i heard him, i felt butterflies. i was so confused, why am i feeling this way? over a stranger? whatever. so we talked.. and talked.. and talked. he asked for my discord. reasonable, we're both just teenagers. asking for insta and all that would slightly be 'weird'? i dont know. whatever, moving on. we called in a group chat with his friend. let's call him mcdonalds. so, we called for about an hour playing video games. i was silent. i didn't want to say anything wrong that would give melon the ick. but why should i care? i just met him. a few days later, i would just get butterflies at his texts. what's wrong with me? we got each other's snap and he sent me a snap of himself. i got even more butterflies. oh my god! i like him! i mean, no duh. obviously. but already? so fast? how?!? i don't know! anyways, we kept texting; switching thru snap and discord. he started flirting while texting. but we're not dating? idk what's going on, but i wish we were dating! i've realized, and it's so obvious! i like him, and he.. likes me (maybe). the next day, we play roblox voice chat. this guy (dino) talks to use privately and asks us about each other. i told dino: 'you cant tell him i said anything!' and he said he wouldn't. being the idiot i am, i trusted him. i told him all my feelings for melon, because it's a random stranger at the end of the day. in conclusion, he brought me n melon together and told him infront of me that we both liked each other. HE LIKES ME!!!!! but it was so awkward. we logged off and texted the next morning. i couldn't take it anymore. i just said 'i like you. a lot.' i knew i'd probably be getting made fun of or blocked. but no! he responded he liked me back! 3 days later, we started dating. i'm so happy!! he's everything i've always wanted!! he's so sweet and funny and i love him so so so so so much! i cant stop thinking about him, and i just stare into the sky thinking about him. i could just have his name written down, and i would stare at it and smile. he told me he's scared. scared of what? being to clingy. he said he was clingy and didn't want me to be bothered by him. bothered? NEVER!! i love him so so so much! i'd do anything for this boy. but now I'M scared. i keep texting him 'i miss you', 'hiiii', 'wyaaa' and im bothering him. i'm scared he'll get annoyed. i'm scared he'll break up with me cause i'm to buggy. i asked him if he wanted to call when he was free. he said sure, i said lmk when. it's been 3 hours. it's okay if he doesn't wanna call, but i just miss him. i'm too scared to text him. what if he's having fun and i'm bothering him by blowing up his phone. i love him way too much. i can't lose him. especially not for smth stupid like this. but.. that's all the updates for now.

[loyalestmunch]

11.19.23

actually the loneliest ive ever felt. i dont have a best friend. the two friends that i do have both have boyfriends n are preoccupied with them. im always in my room. im always in my four walls. i dont have a life outside of here. and i hate it so much.

i dont have someone i can spontaneously visit whenever i want anymore. i dont have a safe person that will always make time for me. if im sad, i dont have someone to go to. and it fuckiing sucks.

what sucks even more is when i sleep until 5 pm and check my phone to zero notifications. ts makes me go right the fuck back to sleep

i made an editing acc on tt. its cool its got like 70 smth followers so far. i really fucking hope i can make friends on there. but like. everyone in the editing community is like. 15 or 16. it just sux i used to edit at those ages too but now here i am at 18 (almost 19!) crawling back to the editing community to maybe find even a small glimpse of the happiness it gave me when i was younger. but nothing beat the feeling of dreaming of an edit in ur head all day.... waiting till school got out... running (literally) home to whip ts up on video star before i forgot it and then uploaded it and shared it amongst my little editing friends. and then i'd stay up late until 2 am or so watching and saving other edits i thought were cool. even in quarantine, i found joy in editing. november 2020 was actually the worst year of my life but also the best i miss it so much i miss the plethora of friends i used to have fuck. i miss playing identity v otp all night long with ray, i miss playing genshin in vc and doing stupid shit and farming for artifacts for hours on end with jazzy and tason and ray and gabby. my poor ipad wld overheat and my fingerprints would burn from dragging them across the hot screen but i didnt care . it was fun.

edit im not done i have more things i want to reminisce about .

ive been rewatching rick and morty and keeping up with the new seasons in the same sense that i watched it in middle school and now im crawling back to see if it brings me the same joy. and it does !. for the most part. but since justin got fired rip there's new voice actors. and it's fine honestly i dont care that much im still gna watch it but i hate how everythings changing. 13 year old me cldnt begin to fathom rick and morty losing (one of its) most renowned creator(s). like fuck. he voiced RICK AND MORTY. BOTH. like holy fuck. but its fine i guess the writings still kinda the same and the show is funny and makes me happy. i wish i had someone i cld take with me everywhere like my own little morty . i need friends.

i also miss the essence of boxed fettuchine(???) alfredo while watching r/m or camp camp at gammys house. ts was fire

i miss the roblox theme park tycoon and the chocolate cake we made that day and ate. it was so good.

i miss the lego game my cousin and i wld play. we didnt even do anything my mind just couldnt believe an open map game i haad so much fun just walking around and looking and doing absolutely nothing. and eating reheated pizzahut. and mcdonalds cookies. and funfetti boxed cake.

i miss when i had my phone taken when mom and i stayed at gammys when parents almst got divorced and i used her old iphone 5 she forgot she gave me and i had my little fandom acc on insta with my little mooties and friends and the warmth of gammys house in november fuck i miss it all i miss growing up so much i hate being an adult. i cant fucking have fun sober i dont have friends im alone nearly every single day i dont have friends in college i dont ta\lk to anyone i fucking just show up and leave without removing my earbuds.

and i know its my fsult. i know im the reason why i dont have friends. im the only reason why im like this. i only do it to myself.

im so alone and i just keep fucking regressing to find happiness because there's none here in present day thats for sure !

[mochasandwich-blog]

i wrote this on may 2021, im 22 now i do not think i feel the same way as my twenty year old self.

I make sure not to give anyone the same endearment because my best friend told me it was weird to call someone that reminds you of another. i do not care about pet names anymore, people exist just the way as they are in my life. the space they take up does not need to be labeled, what i call them does not matter anymore.

When I chop onions, I cut the roots last because my ex told me when you hurt the onions the onions hurt you back. Thus, the reason you tearing up. fucking NOT do it anymore. i do not want to be influenced by a person i killed so many times in my head; i cleansed myself of his existence to the breaking point i do not remember the pain he inflicted on me and the reason why this rage still lives within. i pretend he does not exist, my 16 to 19 self was my defining moment at the same time it never existed (a facade i put on everyday to keep me sane).

When I see someone with scars on their wrist, I make it a habit to never ask why. When I was in 12th grade I remember my best friend sobbing on my shoulder with a cast on her left wrist, asking me repeatedly "baket" and both of us did not know the answer. my being is wounded and scarred, renewed birthed to hardened. coldness does not mean it is tough, it is a precaution to not let anyone slide in carelessly ever again. Still, my heart would forever remain tender for this girl.

I always pinch someone's pinky when I'm comfortable with them. My mom always do this to mine when I was younger, it has stuck to me ever since. NOPE CREEP, I STOPPED DOING THAT HONESTLY WHATTA WEIRDO

Whenever I eat jjampong, I always remember the guy that I owed a jjampong cup noodles to. I was 12 and we spilled it while laughing in the tricycle's passenger seat, swearing I'll make it up to him next time. I'm 20 now, both of us still remembers that I never did. BITCH AHAHAHAH dudes a fuck up now, honestly never changed, his parents even hated him or so i heard. hate is such a strong word, but its like how your parents could loathe you at a certain degree and you still would be their son anyways typa way.

I already knew artic monkeys in 11th grade because another friend of mine introduced it to me, but was never keen on their music. I started listening intently because the boy I liked was a passionate fan. We dont talk anymore (char we still do pero we'll presume him dead) but I still listen to the band. I make it a notion that I liked them because I just do, and it was not for him. OHMYGOD THIS DUDE I COULD NOT EVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS DUDE fuck i am twenty-two now??? AND hjdfcjsbhfesh god, pathetic. i still love his song recos, ngl. how do you want it slaps so hard i cant even. unfriended me on facebook, does not reply on insta anymore, yet stalks me religiously on tiktok. dude, please. AND WE'RE MEETING ON NOVEMBER fml.

I remember my bestfriend telling me she does not write her poems on paper because she felt disgusted by her thoughts that would forever be etched onto something. I realized that I also do. I now hide my little scribbles of typed poems and prose in posts, pictures and my phones notes; never written it on paper ever again. true!! i still do. though she is not my best friend anymore. funny how i used to call her that, maybe we really once were inseparably close. maybe part of her life i shared and we'd rely on each other so heavily upon. we grow older now, funny how now we’re so alike than ever.

[jxoxsxsxi]

'Shall I do it?'

Robbe rolls his eyes. 'As if you haven't decided yet.' 

The older boy gives his boyfriend a cocky grin. 

'You are opinion is required for this mister Ijzermans. I won't do it without your permission.' 

'If you want to do it, you need to do it.' 

'You are still going to love me if it turns out terrible?'

'Yes, but I won't walk next to you in the streets. I have a reputation, baby.'

Sander rolls his eyes. 

'I am going to do it. I will call you later.'

The older boy gives him a virtual kiss.

'Wait, let me stare one more time at those beautiful fluffy locks.'

Robbe giggles when the artist pulls a silly face. 

'Such a mature adult. I want to get updates by the way!'

'I will post some stuff on Insta, but you are going to be the first one to see the end result, promise!'

----

'Are you ready?' 

Robbe shakes his head. 'Not really, I have never seen you without bleached hair. I can't imagine without it.'

'Well, there is no going back now.' 

Sander reveals turns his camera so that it is now focused on his face.

The younger boy's mouth falls open for a second. 

'Is that a good or bad shock?' 

Robbe is speechless. Why does his boyfriend look different yet completely the same? He looks younger but older at the same time. 

'It is weird, but not bad.' 

The artist snort 'well thanks for those kind words.'

'I have to get used to it. You look so different! You have a different kind of vibe around you now.' 

The older boy licks his lips. 'What kind of vibe?' 

'Well, first you had this artist, emo, edgy look with your leather jacket and stuff but now you kinda-' Robbe hesitates.

'I do now what?'

'You give me fuck boy vibes. The typical douchebag who thinks he can get all the girls.' 

Sander starts to laugh and turns his head in the camera, examining his new hairstyle. 

'Hmm, I can see where you are coming from.' 

'I don't hate it though. It is just going to be more difficult to find you when we are in the supermarket or something.' 

'I know the struggle.'

Robbe blinks a few time before he takes some distance from his phone. 

'Yeah, almost don't recognise you at all. You are luckily you have an extraordinary personality otherwise you would be a typical fuck boy.' 

Sander flips him off and sticks his tongue out. 

'You are still fucking hot' 

'Hmm, am I?' 

A blush appears on the younger boy's cheeks while he nods. 'I cant wait to touch it.'

'Why don't you come over? We can sit in the garden. The weather is fucking nice.' 

'I have to ask my mum but I will let you know.' 

---

'This is so weird.' 

Robbe is stroking the brown hair of his boyfriend. 

'It feels so short, there is nothing to touch.' 

'So that is the problem? You can't pull it anymore during sex.' 

Sander gives him a cocky grin. 

'Guess, I have to pull something else instead.'

The younger boy winks. 

He keeps stroking and softly tugging the hair. 

'It feels so different. '

Sander presses a kiss against the lips of his lover. 'No offence or anything but you have told me that a thousand time already.' 

'I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you look like this now.' 

The artist wraps his arms around his boyfriend's waist. 'Just stare a lot at me, you will get used to it.' 

'Boys, what happened to distance?'

Sander rolls his eyes when his mother shouts from the kitchen. 

'Mum, let us be for a second. We were not allowed to see each other for six weeks or something.' 

'Seven weeks.' 

'My bad.' 

Robbe giggles and gives his lover a quick kiss on his cheeks before he frees himself. 

'Well, now you have to make a drawing of you with your new hair and give it to me. That is the only way I will get used to it.'

'So demanding.' 

Sander winks and blows a kiss to his boyfriend.

[mentalpolaroids]

GH | 22. Live

GH 21  GH 23

It has been a week since Outer Banks was released on Netflix. We all watched the entire show in one long, restless night and I almost cried of how proud I was of my friends. I was sure the show would be a big success and I was so happy to have experienced it with them, they all deserved it a lot. During that week eveyone had their interviews via facetime or zoom and they were also asked to do some lives on Instagram. Since there wasn't much I could do for them I spent my "alone" time editing some photos of the photoshoots we did before the lockdown started. Also, Madison, JD and Austin decided to go back home and spend the rest of the lockdown with their families so the house was somewhat more quiet. I missed them but at the same time it felt good to have more space and not have to wait so much time to use the bathroom. Especially with Madison, she took the longest and somehow I was never able to use the bathroom before her. With Madi gone it also meant that Rudy fulfilled his wish of sharing the bed with me and cuddle. I, of course, wasn't mad about it. Rudy was iniciating an Instagram live on his phone. They would have Madison and JD joining them too. I wanted to go back to my room to keep editing so I wouldn't disturb them but they all insisted in me staying, especially Rudy. They claimed that some fans had actually asked about me and why I wasn't joining the lives since I was quarantining with them. It felt weird to recieve this kind of attention, even though I was kind of used to it from the comments on Instagram. I wasn't part of the cast so I assumed it was supost for people to not give two shits about my existence, but they did, and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. "Mic check, mic check.", Rudy spoke to the camera, sitting between me and Chase. Even though he had the phone facing him and Chase, I still tried to stay as small as possible. I don't know why but I felt nervous. Madison eventually joined the live and the three talked to each other and answered some questions from the fans. "Oh by the way where's Kelly? Tell her I kept her ring by accident!" "Oh she's right here!", I looked up at him from my laptop and he gave me a smile, as if asking me if it was ok for him so "show me". I smiled back and he leaned back, laying his head on my shoulder and there I was, live for thousands of people. "Hi Bailey babe!" "Kelly baby! I have your ring!" "It's ok, just take care of it.", I answered, trying to mask my shyness. The wave of comments towards the fact that Rudys head on my shoulder was making it difficult. "I will obviously!"

"I think you're covering the mic.", I whispered, noticing his hand clumsily holding the phone. "Oops." Rudy's head was still on my shoulder so I was pretty much co-starring on this live. Chase eventually laid his head on Rudy's shoulder so he could appear too.

What is Kelly doing?

"She's looking at pictures of me.", Rudy answered a comment, winking. "I don't have a choice and my eyes hurt already." Chase laughed stupidly which made Madison and I laugh too and Rudy pouted. I pinched his cheek, earning a childish moan from him. "For those who don't know, Kelly's our photographer on the show, you can thank her for the existence of all the dope pictures of the cast.", Chase answered. I blushed and akwardly made a thumps up to the camera making Rudy laugh. "That me." "She's amazing! Please go check her insta out!" "Aw, thanks Bails!"

I want someone to look at me the way rudy looks at kelly

We need a ship name for Rudy and Kelly cause my heart cant take it anymore

"Agree."

I gave an annoying look to the camera, more precisely to Madison, and she just stuck he tongue out, a childish smirk on her lips. "Yeah I'm kinda jealous to be honest.", said Chase. "Oh don't be, you know you have my heart.", Rudy pointed to his heart, his eyes on Chase. "Yeah, I mean, I'm totally thirdwheeling here.", I tried to hide a laugh. "Aw, thanks guys." "Yeah I ship Rudy and Chase more than Rudy and Kelly. No offense Kells." "None taken, same here. "

"Shyrup.", Rudy held a small plastic container in front of the phone camera that was now being held by Chase. "That's soy sauce, dumbass.", I mumbled. Rudy looked at me holding his laugh and pinched my side. I obviously squealed, which made Chase look at us and laugh, he then looked back to the phone and wiggled his eyebrows.

The three of them kept on answering questions and joking around, once in a while including me, not only because I played a part in those jokes but also because the fans asked about me too. I eventually grew more comfortable with the live and everything about it and even answered some questions myself. The comments about Rudy and I were crazy, I laughed at some of them and joked about it along with Rudy. It was a good thing we were comfortable with each other and were actually used to that kind of teasing, thanks to our friends, so it was more fun than awkward.

I love their friendship so much

Kudy would be a cute ship name

I want wat they have

THE SHOW IS SO GOOD

living for Rudy and kellys chemistry

I had tears in my eyes from laughing at a story Rudy was telling about something that happened on set. Maddie and Drew had joined us earlier and were laughing too, along with JD that had replaced Madison on the live. "And then in the back you can see Kelly hiding her laugh behind her camera while Jonas shook his head like a disapointed dad at us. It was crazy!", JD spoke. "Yeah you could actually feel Jonas regreting his life choices, like, that happened daily on set but that moment was just priceless.", I added, still laughing and having the others join me, and pretending not to notice Rudy staring at me through the phone camera.

The live ended, all of us still laughing at our jokes and the memories we digged through. It was now time to start making dinner, which was Drew and mine's duty because, as the others claimed, we were the best cooks in the house. From the living room I could hear Maddie and Chase teasing Rudy reminding him of the comments on the live. Drew decided it was a good idea to join them from the kitchen, pretending I wasn't there. "Kudy actually sounds good.", Maddie commented. "I like Chaselyn.", I said, not bothering to look at them but I knew Chase was blushing and Maddie probably wanted to kill me. Drew laughed beside me, highfiving me. Not that he derseved though. "Relly!", Chase yelled. "No! That's weird." "Rully!", Drew said. "Ew, no." "Maddie we need a ship name!", Drew complained, annoyed by her disagreement. "I think Kudy is the best option!" I looked at Rudy, who was shaking his head with a smile on his face and when he met my gaze he widen his eyes and mouthed a 'help' and I just shook my head too, not even bothering to tame my friends.

_________________________________________

kellyinwinterland Los Angeles, California

Liked by hichasestokes, rudeth and 12,312 others kellyinwinterland Stay home and stay safe 💕 We're keepin it smiley here

user whos here after the live? hichasestokes Shmiley -kellyinwinterland @hichasestokes shmiley shmiley user1 here after falling in love with her and rudy user2 So prettyyy rudeth Get off your phone and give me cuddles -kellyinwinterland @rudeth you're on your phone too 🤡 -user1 @rudeth @kellyinwinterland OH SHIT ASLJKDHBJ I JUST SPAT MY WATER user3 Rudy is not even trying to be subtle anymore JUST CONFIRM IT ALREADY -hichasestokes @user3 He was never subtle -user3 @hichasestokes IM SCREAMIIIING madelyncline Pweettyy -kellyinwinterland @madelyncline 😝❤ user4 I THINK KUDY IS REAL IT HAS TO BE

[rainingspellforlove]

shouldn’t have

hi im back with another fic >< but it’s eunhae’s uwu. read this while listening to raining spell for love to experience more angst ;;-;; enjoy my first eunhae’s  fic and my first angst fic! 

listen to raining spell for love : 

https://open.spotify.com/track/7j4r8X575ZnyWk0jkukNp7?si=irOj7OmgRFynzGCaL754dg

It's been so wrong. Hyukjae always feels it so wrong. But he did loving him. He's already falling deep. But now it cant be anymore. This is impossible. He shouldn’t have loved him from the start. He knew he's always been wrong for having this feeling. He knew  it will  break himself someday. He knew he will be in this state of the worst heartbreak ever. But how can he (un)love this angel? He had already fallen. Fallen for him too deep.The fact he's been in love for his one and only best friend is already hurting. The one who's been always with him from his early days until now.   But now, he's shattered. 

Hyukjae and donghae still been friends till now. 20 years old friendship. They had been known each other since their middle school days. it’s been so long. They went through a lot till today. They overcome all of their problems together and they depend on each other a lot. Everyone will say they have their unique friendship. They always been so close and too many things that only of them understand. They’re just too close. They had many similarities in their own way. People said that it’s too much similarities for them to have and their chemistry is so unbelievably amazing. It’s like they are naturally meant for each other. Just like a pair of shoes. 

It’s so natural and a common thing to say they always crash at each other’s houses. That was before eunhyuk moved back to the dorm. back then donghae always comes to eunhyuk’s apartment almost everyday. and vice versa. but it mostly donghae who asked to come or donghae just comes to eunhyuk’s without notice. They always been like this. Donghae who likes skinships a lot while eunhyuk just lets donghae do whatever to him. Maybe some people will think that their moments are just fanservice but thats just how they are. they’re just being the way they are. 

They always rely on each other a lot actually. They almost didnt keep a secret between each other. they knew each other too well more than any other members. They even knew each other’s individual schedule or events. like who who will eunhyuk meet after this, or what will donghae do tomorrow, those kind of stuffs. every lil things they did, they always knew for each other. they are just unbelievably close. 

But who knows, one of them is really falling. It’s too much for him to receive these affections alone. He always keeps it cool but deep inside he might explode. It's already long enough for hyukjae to love him since then. The way he keeps hiding his feelings for himself. Not telling anyone about it. Imagine hiding this stupid feeling alone for the closest person  in this fucking world. He did suffering for himself. He always keeps it for himself. He didnt want to ruin this freaking long friendship just because of this dumb feeling. Donghae loves skinships so much. Like soooo much. He always touchs hyukjae unconsciously. At first, hyukjae always gets used to it when donghae did sudden hugs or held his hand. He already gets used to it. it’s been 20 years ofcourse he must get used to it. Donghae is indeed a clingy person so he always clings into hyukjae unconsciously like a habit. That’s a problem actually. Hyukjae actually didnt mind it at all when donghae being such a clingy ass but sometimes he cant handle that. 

Actually there’s one time he cant handle it. That time when they did a comeback for D&E, they did a blueroom live. Then they talked about their nicknames for each other. When they talked abt donghae’s nickname “haeknojam” then donghae starts to kiss hyukjae’s hand suddenly while laughing like an idiot  and he did it twice! in a fucking live broadcast. Hyukjae always keeps his cool and just lets donghae did it. he just said “Aniyoo” for times responding to donghae. That time actually, his heart almost explode. He thought why he did these in a live broadcast. and why did he kiss hyukjae’s hand?  hyukjae still cant figure it why he did it. that time after filming, donghae just acts like nothing happened. but hyukjae deep inside was flustered as hell but of course he acts like usual. Being playful and stuffs. Donghae just being himself too, being random and stuffs. Donghae always like this. It’s just hyukjae who’s been dazed and confused all the time. That time hyukjae tried so hard to calm his self down by jumping and dancing all the time. When donghae comes to ask,

“Hyukjae-ya, why are you practicing at this time, our schedule just ended right?”

“O-Oh i just wanna get myself sweaty,, i feel like my body stiffen, so yeah i keep practicing”

“Yeokshi uri d&e leader. dont push yourself too hard. promise me you will rest after this, okay?” he handed hyukjae a towel and  circling it into his neck while then keep wiping his sweat in hyukjae’s cheeks with that towel

“u-uhm of course. thanks”

“youre welcome always, my E oppa~~ chat me when you arrive at the dorm okay? lets go home” replied him while smiling 

“okay i will...”  

then donghae went to the car and went home. hyukjae feels his knees are gone then he sat on the floor.

“why he keeps confusing me...... sigh”

day after day of their promotions went well. At the end of the promotions, donghae was not like his usual self. It’s not he completely different person but he’s less clingy. and he often checks his phone and sometimes smiling while looking at his phone. Hyukjae thought maybe donghae looked at some funny things on his insta but thats just weird because he’s being too often looking at the phone. then he often picks up his phone outside it’s like he hides something from hyukjae. It’s not usual for him to do that. He always picks up his calls in front of hyukjae but not right now. It’s been weeks he did that, but actually hyukjae didnt care at all. Maybe he had something that is really his privacy. so he didnt think about it too much. But, day by day passed and it’s been 1 month already. He still being like that. When hyukjae came to his apartment, actually donghae asked him to come but donghae keeps being on the phone.  It’s not the real hyukjae if  he hadnt been curious. He was curious as hell. At first he keeps resisting himself not to be curious but maybe he cant after all. When hyukjae prepared the food he bought for donghae, donghae suddenly put his phone and went to shower. Hyukjae hesitated at first but he didnt care so he went quick to the table and looked at donghae’s phone. He enters the passwords (actually he knew it because donghae already told him when they went to a drive together, donghae cant open the phone because he focused on driving so he asked hyukjae to reply his mother’s message) and checked his kakao and insta. then he found one person other than him and his family in his pinned chats in his kakao. Then he opened the messages. 

Hyukjae never been so speechless before, it’s the first time. It turned out that person is donghae’s lover. He looked at those sweet messages and actually this saturday is their 3 months. they talked about how they can meet at saturday. it’s not just how his heart breaks in pieces. the fact he didnt tell him about it at all. and it’s been 3 months. how... hyukjae thought maybe if donghae told him, he can be prepared at anytime... 

“i thought we keep no secrets... but this is actually my fault too. i did have secret. so i deserved this.”

“but it hurts like hell what the fuck....” then hyukjae put donghae’s phone back to its place.  and tears keep falling without hyukjae realized himself. then he took his bag and left the food prepared for donghae. He left the house and cried on the way to the dorm. Hyukjae left a message to donghae via kakao.

Donghae who came out the bathroom after showering, becomes flustered. 

“Hyukjae ya, how’s the food is it good?”

no answer,,

“Hyukjae, where-” 

then he got notif from hyukjae 

“sorry i left first, i have something to do. I already prepared the tteokbokki. Have a good meal”

Donghae was so confused but he ate the tteokbokki anyway. he still didnt feel something strange..

few days after that, super junior have a schedule together for an interview. It’s so obvious that hyukjae tried so hard to avoid donghae at all cost. He distants himself from donghae and avoid donghae’s affections. He tries to keep it cool and still jokes around to the members. but he only avoids donghae. when donghae tries to talk to hyukjae after the interview ends, hyukjae keeps telling him he must go home. then donghae holds hyukjae’s hand

“Lee hyukjae, whats wrong with you? you’re obviously avoiding me? did i do something wrong?”

“N-no at all. you’re just touching me too much.”

“but i always did these to you,and you’re okay with that”

“yes but right now it’s not. okay good bye i must go right now. let go”

“just tell me why... please...”

“you didnt need to know”

then hyukjae pulls his hand harder and finally donghae let him go. donghae becomes frustrated himself. 

Leeteuk who saw this on the back feels there’s something wrong with these two... 

Hyukjae becomes so distant from donghae day by day, but no one notices it. it’s just donghae who feels something wrong but hyukjae will never tell him why. the members didnt feel it weird either because the atmosphere while being together as full members still feel lively. It didnt sound wrong at all. but only leeteuk who feels something weird. leeteuk who sees them quietly when in a dressing room, donghae didnt talk to hyukjae at all. hyukjae too, he didnt intend to talk to donghae at all. hyukjae always talks to kyuhyun or yesung in their leisure time. and donghae who hangs out with siwon all the time. it feels natural. but it feels weird too. then leeteuk asks donghae to come outside...

“Hey whats wrong?” leeteuk asks

“Me? im fine? why hyung asks that?”

“hyukjae. seems like you both not in a good terms recently”

“oh that. i dont know either” 

“ask him then what you did wrong”

“i have. but he said i didnt need to know?! he’s weird as fuck. how can i know what i did wrong while he’s being childish like that”

“hmmm, maybe you hide something and he did feeling betrayed or stuff? it may happen. those things always happen right for us”

“ah... maybe i know.....” 

then donghae rushed to hyukjae. 

“we need to talk”

“there’s nothing to talk about”

“hyukjae please.” 

“let me go”

“lee hyukjae... please”

“fine. i’ll give you 5 minutes”

“you saw my phone right?”

“thats- yeah i didnt mean to but yes i saw that you actually had a lover”

“thats why you’re mad?”

“yes? ofcourse? i feel betrayed you didnt tell me at all. i thought we’re close enough to tell about those kinda stuffs” (actually there’s not the only reason donghaeya.....)

“im about to tell you that night actually.. sorry for not telling you, im afraid that youre uncomfortable with this... pls forgive me okay”

“i-im okay for those kinda stuffs. im happy for u bro actually. but it’s just i feel sad you didnt tell me..”

“ so you forgive me?”

“hm maybe?” hyukjae still feels uncomfortable with this, its like he didnt want to see this fucking handsome angelic face in front of him anymore

then donghae becomes so happy and hugs him rightaway. hyukjae quickly tries to let go of him. 

“alright alright, let me go. lets just go home okay” donghae smiled happily after he heard he already been forgiven. but hyukjae still pretending. he pretends that it’s all okay for donghae for having a lover. but he’s not okay at all.

hyukjae forgives him but he cant face him actually and pretends to be fine all the time. everytime he meets donghae, he just feels uncomfortable. it didnt feel the same. hyukjae cant see him the same as before. hyukjae still keeps his cool and lets donghae did his skinships to him freely but deeply inside he is hurting. one day, he went to the building’s rooftop to get some fresh air in the middle of their schedule. Leeteuk suddenly comes to him.

“hyukjae ya....”

“oh whats wrong hyung?”

leeteuk doesnt say a word but immediately hugs him and pats his hair.

“i know it’s been hard”

hyukjae is flustered why he did this...

“hard? what do you mean hyung? hahaha”

“you loved him, am i right?”

“him?”

“eish stop pretending to be fine. i knew you two fights few days ago then you told him it was because he didnt tell you about his lover, it’s not the only reason right?”

“so you knew......”

“jtub told me that donghae already had a lover, donghae didnt tell me at first haha then he admitted it himself after then.”

“oh right.”

“what will you do then after this?”

“i dont know.. i cant keep pretending all the time. it hurts me to see his face it’s like i wanna punch him”

“even you loved him you want to punch him? lol”

“yes i hate that idiot smile of his until i want to-”

“kiss him so bad?”

“HYUNG”

“okay okay hahaha im kidding”

“but... sometimes i think of that too but ofcourse i wont do it” 

“he kissed your hand in a live broadcast why wont you?”

“no way i would kiss him first. its just me who had this feeling. he never feel the same, he just likes to play with me. its confusing”

then hyukjae silents for a bit

“hyung.. is it okay for me to go for a while? i kinda want to distract myself for  a while”

“its okay hyukjaeya. i respect all of your decisions as long as youre happy with it”

“ehm, it hurts so much seeing him these days. he keeps calling with his lover while there is me there in his house. thats fucking hurts. i cant do this anymore hyung. it’s like i wanna punch him for real. i hate having this feeling from the start.. i-i- *sobs*” hyukjae cried in leeteuk’s embraces. he cried so hard that time. 

“shussh shussh it’s okay hyukjae.. it’s a natural thing for us to fall in love. it’s not our fault to fall in love in the first place.”

“heuk- heuk- but i hate feeling this way. i hate myself” hyukjae still sobbing

after crying for so long, leeteuk’s shirt becomes so wet then leeteuk just laughs

“how can you hide those red eyes hahaha”

“right..... i dont know......”

“here i bring sunglasses lol just go home after this okay, so the members wont be suspicious haha”

“thank you so much hyung.... youre the best” 

“nah its always been my job to babysit all of you. so where would you go?”

“Japan. Maybe next week”

“okay, take care hyukjae. i will call you then”

then one day, hyukjae comes to his usual bar to hang out with donghae. but he comes alone. he feels like he wants to drink until he passed out for the last time before he goes to japan. then there’s jtub (donghae’s friend who is a composer too) who hangs out alone too. 

“Oh hyukjae, you come. Alone? where’s donghae?”

“nah i just feel like drinking alone”

“why?”

“i dont know i just want it”

then hyukjae really drinks a lot like A LOT. jtub tries to stop him but hyukjae insists he must drink more

“stop it or you will pass out here”

“i ddont fckin caree.. it issss m-my pplaaan annywway tto ssleep hhere until tomorrowww”

hyukjae lost it. he really lost it. he’s blabbering random sentences just now

“why.. wwhy sshould i llove that iddiot, i wanna kick hhis fckin handsome fface riight nnow,,,,, bastaard hhow you come to pplay wwith myy ffeelingg llike this,, itt hurtts sso mmuch i hhate yyou” then he sobs

“argghhhhhhh my head’‘ss sppinning” 

jtub didnt know who he was talking about but right now he needs to call someone to bring this idiot to come home

“hyukjae you need to come home.. i’ll call donghae”

“NOO DDONT CCALL THHAT BASTTARD” he tried to take jtub’s phone but it failed because he cant control himself because of the alcohol

“ah... so he’s heartbroken....... eish i didnt know that hyukjae is falling for his best friend.. eish let them finish this problem themselves i should back out”

“nno ddont him ppleasse, or i will kick hhis fucckin facce when hhe comess llater” then he sobs and passed out in the long table near the barista

few minutes later, donghae comes in a rush. 

“donghae ya here!” jtub calls

“oh my, what did you feed him huh?!?”

“wow slow man, he’s drinking and paying those bottles himself you know, i tried to stop him but he insisted to drink it until morning.”

“why’s he like this... he never been like this before...”

“you didnt know? why’s he like this? really?”

“uhm no, why? do you know?”

“try to figure it yourself then, its your problems anyway.”

“so he’s like this , because of me?!”

“spoiler : yes”

“oh man, why... okay then i’ll be going first” 

donghae tries to wake up hyukjae but still didnt get a respon. 

“Hyukjae-ya lets go home”

“ehmmm i want to sleep here”

“but it closes soon. you must go home. let me take you home eung?”

then hyukjae wakes up and see donghae  who’s ready to pick him up

“oh it’s lee donghae!” 

“yep it’s me. lets go home okay?”

“the way i wanna kick your face but i didnt have the strength right now, i’ll just kick you tomorrow”

“pardon? what?” donghae flustered and shocked

“right? it’s on you bro lol” jtub said

“okay okay lets just go home” donghae took hyukjae in his shoulders and caught him by the waist. then they both go to hyukjae’s dorm with donghae’s car

hyukjae falls asleep in the car. and keeps talkin in his sleep a bit

“lee donghae you bastard”

donghae is surprised and turns his head to passenger’s seat. 

“The fuck?!” 

then hyukjae sleeps again

“why’s he like this and why me?”

they finally arrived at hyukjae’s dorm and kyuhyun didnt come home so it’s just the two of them there. donghae hardly brings hyukjae to his room in his druk state. 

“im glad that you’re this tiny,  i can bring you home easily”

then donghae puts hyukjae to the bed and takes off his jacket, socks, and shoes. he wipes hyukjae’s forehead too with wet towel too.. hyukjae wakes up suddenly.

“stop being so kind to me” he stops donghae’s hand from wiping his forehead

“huh? why? im your closest friend it’s my job to take care of you idiot”

“i can take care of myself well. just go” hyukjae turns his head to the left side and puts the blanket covering his whole body. 

“why do you like this?”

“its not ur business”

“hyukjae ya... tell me whats wrong”

“Us. we cant be like this”

“why? you’re my closest friend-”

“We’re not supposed to be like this donghae ya. we must not”

hyukjae wakes up and turns into donghae. 

“We.... cant be like this donghaeya... we cant be....” hyukjae starts to cry

“hyukjae... why cant we... “

“why are you crying.. dont cry...“ donghae said again while carressing hyukjae’s tears with his thumb

“ *sobs* we- cant- be- like this... we just cant.....” hyukjae is still sobbing while talking

“tell me why, what should i do to stop you from crying please dont cry it hurts seeing you cry like this” donghae said softly 

“you.” 

“me? why?”

hyukjae still crying and doesnt want to answer.. 

“hyukjae tell me... please.. i dont wanna see you cry...”

hyukjae then holds donghae’s hand in his cheeks...

he looked at donghae’s eyes with those falling tears.. 

“you deserved to hate me forever.” 

hyukjae leaned in to donghae’s face and pressed a soft kiss into his lips. 

hyukjae pulls out and donghae is flustered and confused...

“h-hyukjae w-why-”

“leave me right now”

“b-but you have to tell-”

“leave or our friendship ends. leave please”

“hyukjae-ya.... “

“PLEASE LEAVE. *sobs* please...”

then donghae gets up from the bed and leaves hyukjae alone...

that’s it. that’s the end. hyukjae’s first love comes to an end. that angel is finally gone.... 

hyukjae cries in his bed so hard... the worst feeling ever. he hates himself more than anyone else. but he must end it. he must end this stupid feeling. the overflowing feelings he had for his best friend for years. he will stop loving him no matter what. 

“Thankyou for making me feel loved although actually it’s just me who feel that way... im happy... thankyou...” then he’s still crying for so long in the middle of the night

meanwhile donghae is feeling so flustered and mad. he didnt know why he’s mad. the fact his best friend cried because of him.. hyukjae’s eyes that told him everything. hyukjae’s puppy eyes that only shines everytime suddenly covered by the rain. the hard rain that falls because of him. he never knew. he never realized.. he didnt want to believe it. but it’s just feel so real. his tears falls in his cheek when hyukjae kissed him... he never feels the saddest kiss ever... it hurts so much. he didnt knoe either why it hurts so much. it feels like hyukjae will leave him for real... he cant imagine how his life would be without hyukjae.. it will never be the same.. 

donghae still feels confused.... he didnt know what to do after this... or tomorrow, or days after this.... he just didnt know what to do... 

the next day, hyukjae is already in the airport waiting for boarding to Tokyo. his eyes are completely red becuase of crying that night before.  He decides to go there to heal and repair himself. he just needs time alone for a while. he didnt know when he will be back to work as super junior. he’s already takin care of all of these with the company, and the company said yes. it’s up to him when will he decide to come back.... 

“hyukjae-ya, already at the airport?”

“eung hyung, there’s still 15 minutes before boarding”

“okay then, take care hyukjae... and one thing what if he asked me where you go?”

“hm, dont tell him hyung, just say that i want to spend my time alone.”

“fine i’ll do that. eish that insensitive bastard haha i’ll kick his face for you someday”

“nah hyung just let him be it’s my fault anyway for loving him in the first place. it’s never been his fault”

“aigu my precious dongsaeng already grown up”

“eish hyung your precious dongsaeng here is 34 years old”

“youre still a big baby to me anyway..”

“thankyou hyung. i’ll call you often when im in tokyo”

“yes sir!” 

“oh its time for boarding, im off hyung, bye bye!!”

“okay take care hyukjae ya, have a proper meals okay?”

“of courseee goodbye hyung”

hyukjae finally ends his phone call with leeteuk and walks in to the plane. finally he made up his mind and try to heal himself first.. he’s afraid that this feeling disrupt his works with him. so he must repair himself more to become a better person.. 

meanwhile donghae who didnt know anything at all,,

he worked out like crazy... he’s already working out since morning. and it’s already evening. he worked out and worked out.. he did everything in the gym. he’s like a mad person right now. he didnt pick up the calls from everyone.. even his lover too.. 

the instructors there feels worried because it’s not usual for donghae to act like this. then the instructors try to call jtub, donghae’s friend who’s been at the same gym with him. 

actually jtub is very busy right now so he cant go there to save that idiot friend from overworking his body. then jtub called leeteuk because leeteuk already said to him if donghae acts weird, he’s free to call him. 

leeteuk comes to donghae’s usual gym rightaway after finishing his schedule. 

“eomma ya. it’s already 7pm. and he’s been working out since 7 am?!?”asks him to the one of the instructors

“yes sir. he’s been like this since morning. we’re too scared to disturb him because he seems not in his right mind”

leeteuk walks in slowly to donghae. 

“donghae ya”

donghae still wont listen he still in his threadmill

“lee donghae please come down.”

“come on donghae you never been like this, you never disobeyed my orders. come on donghae please stop this. you makes yourself sick”

donghae finally stops the threadmill and come down. 

he falls rightaway in the floor. 

“donghae-ya are you okay? hey? donghaeya?”

“hyung... it’s my fault...” after that, donghae lost his consciousness

Donghae wakes up in his house with leeteuk who waits for him.

“Oh are you okay? do you hurt yourself?”

“no-no im okay hyung..” 

“eish why did you work out like that? you know it can kill you. what if i didnt come? who will take care of you? oh my god this kid. how old are you huh? youre fuckin 34 please grow up” leeteuk keeps nagging while wipes donghae’s forehead 

“sorry hyung...” 

“promise me you wont do this again oh god”

donghae just nods... then he suddenly remembers something

“i need to meet hyukjae.. i need-”

“stop he wont meet you”

“even he doesnt want to, i keep going to meet him”

“what would you say then? ask him for an apologize for something you didnt realize?”

“hyung... so you knew..”

“of course. just stop it. you wont ever meet him right now. you just cant”

“no hyung i must-”

“he’s leaving. he’s not in south korea.”

“what..... are you serious?”

“yes”

“where did he go? i can go right now”

“no you cant, just let him alone donghae ya. okay? please listen to me, he’s hurting. you never knew how he feels. because you never feels it. what do you want to say to him? anything that you would say, it wont heal him. because it’s on you. you’re the source of his broken state. he will overcome this someday. just wait okay?”

“but.... it hurts so much.. i dont know it just hurts so much seeing him cry.. seeing him so weak like that night. i really want to embrace him but he keep pushing me off, he keeps crying and crying.... his trembling voice when he tried to talk to me hurts me so much... he’s never showing this side of him for these time being.. i just didnt know what to do... it hurts so much seeing him in that state, i want to see him so fuckin much... i just- ” then he cant say anymore.. he’s loss at speech... he’s crying... 

“hyung... why im late to realize this.... why..... he’s already left what should i do.... im fuckin stupid... im so fucking dumb......” 

donghae cries in leeteuk’s shoulder.. leeteuk cant say anything... he just pats donghae’s back softly.. “just wait for him okay.... he’ll be okay..”

donghae still cant figure out why he’s also breaking.... he just feels that his heart is shattered knowing these situations at once.. 

confused, flustered, and mad. he’s mad at himself... 

“how can i never realize  in these time being?” 

part 1 end 

[into-control]

im so fucking pissed and worried rn, my mom and sister are on vacation. and on my moms phone i downloaded instagram and logged into most of my accounts i own or co-own, around 4 to 5, all of them. so u know when you have multiple accounts insta just lets u save the info so u dont have to type in your password everytime right? i did that on my moms phone because nobody ever uses her phone except for me apart from her, she also doesnt use insta. So i have all my notifs on for all my accounts [1]

and while i was talking to my friends i found out that my aunt requested to follow me on my spam account. my aunt is also on vacation with them. i am NOT out to anybody but my closest friends. nobody knows i have a spam account except for my friends that im out to. i was so fucking confused as to how she found my spam account. my aunt doesnt follow people unless she knows them personally. so i went to check how she found me and apparently i was following her on my spam, which i dont ever [2]

remember doing. i dont follow any of my relatives or family on my spam account. My spam account is filled with all my personal and private stuff, me ranting about my problems, sexuality and shit. i went to check when i followed since i dont recall doing so. so i sorted my follows from latest and her account was the first, which means i followed her recently, right below her account was a page i followed just about 2 days ago, so if i followed her, i would have remember doing that. [4]

and then it clicked in my head that my sister could have been using my moms phone to use my instagram. although she HAS instagram??? i was worried she might have seen all my spam posts and read thru all of them but then i shrugged it off and just logged out from every device from my spam acc and another account i use more often. so just now while i was scrolling thru insta i was looking at stories, i saw MY OTHER rarely active account POSTING A STORY?? i was so fucking confused. [5]

and when i clicked on the story it was just a hotel room. i've seen the hotel that my mom and sister were gonna live in but when i saw that i was absolutely losing my shit and didnt look into too clearly. I instantly logged into that acc and logged out from EVERY DEVICE. its so fucking frustrating. i literally dont understand my sister rn and im so fucking pissed at her. why the FUCK would she do that?? shes not younger than me or anything. shes older than me by FIVE YEARS. [7?]

she should KNOW better as an older sister. im so angry at her for invading my privacy and following whoever she likes, looking through my shit, posting on stories like its HER account. i dont care if she knows im gay or not, i know she probably has suspicions but she just crossed the fucking line. how dare she fucking log into all my accounts and do whatever the fuck she likes? i cant even have one bit of privacy anymore. the internet is one and possibly my only safe space and now [8]

she just invaded my privacy. she couldve read through all my shit and confirmed her suspicions, but im not ready to come out. not to anyone from my family. i dont care how supportive she is, this is just so fucking rude. i cant believe she would do something like that. i trusted her, i never read thru her shit, scrolled through her phone and did whatever she told me not to do. and now shes simply logging into my accounts as she wishes and posting whatever the fuck she wants?? [9]

i dont know what other social media apps are on my mothers phone and currently logged in. and im so scared that she'll just go in and do whatever the fuck she wants,im so pissed that my last resort of a safe place,a place where i can be myself for once, where i can have privacy was just completely destroyed by her. im so fucking upset. i literally have nowhere to be myself anymore. all my stuff just for friends who know me better than family, she probs read them all. i can never get a break,[9?]

anyway, thats my ranting, i hope u have a nice weekend. mine just ended the worst way possible. [10?, i lost count]

————

i’m so sorry anon, nobody deserves this :/ keep us updated if anything happens

[shingogf]

tagged by the absolute unit that @mochibat is t h a n c c u

Tag one

“Describing your blog tag”

1. Icon: sadly its kira yoshikage from jjba........no i dont take criticism (hopefully u can see it bc i saw my old one still shows on the app but o h w e l l)

2. My content: dark aesthetic pics, outfits that i like, S H I T P O S T S (and the occasional jjba sprinkled in since i try to keep it lowkey on here but-) with a hint of 80s as well as some random creepy things djgjdgdj literal c h a o s

3. Letter colour: purple but it used to be white

4. Header: just an edit i put together to match my current theme

5. Url: i literally changed it yesterday but for the longest of time i went by “thotchim” (which was more or less an inside joke between me and another mutual of mine). now my current one which is “moyaiqueen” is basically clownery...me and my friend thought it was fun to replace the “killer” from killer queen with “moyai” and she said i should change my name into this when i asked her abt url ideas so-

6. Blog title: no blog title lmao only cryptic type o negative lyrics

Tag two

Who were you named after?: after my grandma as far as i know but it doesnt really matter since i aint keen on exposing my irl name on here hshsf

Last time you cried?: i literally dont remember bc ur local cryptid cant even cry properly anymore-

Do you like your handwriting?: honest to god? not at all. i always get shit for writing in chicken scratch but O H W E L L

What is your favorite lunch meat?: basic as all hell but chicken

Longest relationship?: l m a o

Do you still have your tonsils?: yes ma’am

Do you bungee jump?: no but i would like to ahfjdjg

What is your favorite kind of cereal?: oatmeal with fruits are basically why i live but i can also enjoy some chocolate ones once in a while...but i dont like the overly sweet ones

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: depends on the shoes tbh but since i mainly wear combat boots i often untie them when i take them off

Do you think you’re strong willed?: once again DepEndS but i’d say im pretty damn stubborn even doe i often feel like giving up if i dont get insta results which i know is w a c k

Favorite Ice Cream?: chocolate, caramel

What is the first thing you notice about a person?: hands, hair and eyes

Football or baseball?: n e i t h e r

Favorite donut?: put chocolate and caramel together in literally anything and im on cloud fucking nine

What are you listening to?: im currently trynna kick back and relax whilst listening to a japanese city pop compilation on yt (I’m in love by Tomoko Aran is playing rn)

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: blAcK

What is your favorite smell?: coffee and toxic smells such as gasoline or alcohol

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?: my grandma

Hair color?: light brown

Eye color?: LigHT BrOWn (only instance they look green-ish is when direct light hits them but other than that its wack lmao)

Favorite food to eat?: anything that has chicken and potatoes in it, the b a s i c s

Scary movies or happy ending?: scary movies

Last movie you watched in a theater?: Rambo V back in december

What color shirt are you wearing?: dark green but its a hoodie

Favorite holiday?: i dont really have one tbh hshgsfs

Beer or wine?: def wine literally fuck beer (has to be red wine tho)

Night owl or morning person?: i literally never sleep and now that im in qUaRanTinE even more so-

Favorite day of the week?: saturday

Favorite animal?: dogs and snakes

Do you have a pet?: a black french bulldog back at my mom’s place

Where would you like to travel?: anywhere tbh but i’d love visiting america or japan someday

i dont have any bright ideas about who else to tag but @devilfwb @v-v-e-g-a @worldsgreatestlovemachine @prinzessin-der-sterne

[freebooter4ever]

speaking of angst, here is some naval gazing shit under cut

its funny, being almost officially in my thirties now and not being much more mature than i was like a decade ago.

last year, the summer after i moved grandma to ohio, i was sitting in a park in seattle, just quietly writing while sanjeev was at work cause i enjoy working in public spaces and being around people, and this random stranger came up to me. and he sat down and we started talking, he was very complimentary and im ugly enough i dont get that often (like ever), so i was enjoying it. and then he started going on about how i was on the cusp of turning old and wrinkly and if i waited too long to get married no one would want me anymore. he talked about this for an hour. and at the end of it he said i should marry HIM. and i laughed, and said i was career driven and was moving to glendale to be an imagine*r. he insisted on getting my phone number and insta profile, and then he left, and he stalked me a bit on insta until i had to block him.

if you grow up as a girl, you get all these messages bombarded into you through media. i remember watching bridget jones and thinking, no way i would ever be ashamed of my wrinkles or age. being single by thirty, i would never care about that. i was more concerned about going on an adventure before i hit age thirty than finding romance.

and at that age you dont think it will happen to you. and then women get older. and it starts happening, and we get strange men telling us to marry them before our expiration date. and other microaggressions that are not nearly so stark and obvious as that. but all these little things add up. you start to think again about the man you dated when you were twenty two who was ten years older than you and who used to praise your tight skin and how you always thought that was odd. until now you feel your skin getting thinner. and you still kinda like your skin and your ever flat but saggier chest but now you are consciously aware that there are a lot of people who dont. or at least, who would put more value on the younger version.

and added into that is my mess of ptsd from the abusive relationship at age 22 (when i was 14 and anorexic i once ate an entire box of baby tomatoes and it made me throw up, i STILL cant eat baby tomatoes without disgust, i tried for years eating a specific sandwhich at my favorite burgh organic cafe that combined cream cheese with tomatoes which was my first case of enjoying raw tomatoes since being a teen and yet i STILL dont like tomatoes alone. but people expect me to want sex after so long associating sex with pain??? when i only just last year stopped having nightmares? the only good one of which was the one where dream me slammed the face of my abusive ex against the 1922 rat rod's muffler and melted his skin to the bone. That nightmare was nice.) so my age bias isnt entirely based on societal pressure. But.

I miss the days of self insert fanfic, of reading a book and being like oh yeah, definitely would fall in love and make out with that character. Of being able to imagine oneself as a viable love interest period. cause if i cant see me and romance happening in fiction, its a non existent concept in reality. which, because of the ptsd, is mostly a relief. but because of the age, and growing old, feels more forced on me than an actual choice. like in my twenties my years of mostly avoiding commitment and physical intimacy except in rare cases felt like my decision. now its just a default because there is no interest to avoid.

and i know there are still people attracted to me. nick keeps sending me nudes, though his attraction is based on memories of me at age 25. and there must have been something about me hiker boy liked cause i certainly never got to the point where i trusted him enough to sleep with him but he still went out on dates with me...for almost six months there (fond fond memories of our flirty late night baba is you sessions, but those required zero kissing) (me enjoying drawing him in bed also required zero kissing)(maybe i just dont like kissing?)

but yeah. any expression of romantic interest nowadays and my reaction is "why?" and "seriously?" and disbelief. why do you want to make out with me when we can just be friends - all that love and no need for kissing or any of that pressure for me to be young and beautiful, its great.

but boy do i miss the silly fun of daydreaming about making out with a character some days

[writing-realityawayfromreality]

I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretend that they’re you

Requested: Yes 

“I can’t keep doing this Ty. One day you are telling me how much you love me and the next you make it seem like you wish you were, i don’t know... free. For christ sake Ty, you’re 25 and still not ready to settle down. Clearly you can’t make the choice for yourself so i am making it. It’s over Tyson, I’m sorry.”

And with that you left. You didn’t look back because you knew that if you looked back you would had never left. But you couldn’t keep living the way that you were, never feeling good enough for him, always coming in second. 

It has now been two years since that day. You haven’t really kept in touch with Tyson after the breakup. It was too painful to see how happy he was and how sad you were. You kept in touch with some of the guys who you were close to on the team. You go to their games but make sure to leave right away so you have less of a chance running into Tyson. Plus it was a farther drive since you had moved, you had to since you and Tyson shared the apartment but at least your new place is closer to your work.

Tonight you had finally given into your friends and are letting them drag you out to a club. You haven dated once or twice but it was never anything too serious. you didn’t allow it to get to that point. Your friends couldn’t really blame you. You and Tyson had been together for a little over five years. Everyone thought that you two were it, that you were going to get married, start a family and live happily ever after. But life doesn’t work that way, it’s not all fairytales. 

You heard a knock on the door to your apartment, “Come in.” You yelled from your room. It was Vanessa, Mackinnon’s girlfriend (I know they broke up but just for the stories sake) who you had grown really close to over the years. “I thought we were going out tonight?” she questioned. “I thought so?” you questioned back “You aren’t even ready to go yet.” She responded. “Oh, why are we leaving so early?” you asked looking at the clock. “To get there before all the creeps do. Now come on lets go” she said walking out to your living room.

You rolled over getting out of bed and headed to you bathroom. You plugged in your hair curler and got out your makeup. You didn’t want to go too bold so you did a light eyeshadow but a darker color on your lips since they were your best feature. You quickly ran to get changed into your favorite black dress before heading back into the bathroom to curl your hair. Giving yourself a glance over you walked out to the living room where Vanessa was sitting, coming up behind her you could see that she was on Instagram. Looking over her shoulder you saw Tyson’s face. You dropped your shoes that you were holding making Vanessa jump and turn to look at you. “Y/n....” she looked back down at her phone seeing that Tyson’s picture was still on it, she quickly clicked out of instagram. 

“Y/n... It’s been two years...” Vanessa said. “I know. It still hurts, and I haven’t seen him in so long. Maybe I could just peek on his Insta?” You said pulling out your phone and typing in him name. Clicking on his page you saw a whole bunch of pictures with him and different girls. The pictures were probably like two weeks apart and there was always a new girl with some cliche caption, you also noticed how all the girls all looked sightly similar and almost like you. “Y/n, are you okay?” Vanessa asked grabbing your arm slightly. “Yeah, you ready?” You said placing your phone in your purse, bending down to get your shoes on.

You  called an uber to have you guys taken to the club in town. You were honestly so excited because it was your first time out since Tyson. You walked in and headed straight for the bar. This was honestly your favorite club, there wasn’t a whole lot of creeps and the music was always amazing. You got yourself and Vanessa a shot before heading to the dance floor. You and Vanessa were having a great time. That was until you spotted him. Vanessa must had seen him at the same time you did because she pulled you towards the bar. 

“I didn’t know they were going to be here, Nate didn’t tell me...” “Vanessa, it’s okay. lets get a few more drinks and have a good time, yeah?” You said grabbing the bar tenders attention. At least an hour goes by and at this point you have at least three or four mixed drinks in you so you were feeling pretty good right about then. Tyson hadn’t seen you which made your night ten times better. 

Nate had showed up surprising Vanessa, needless to say they went off and did their own thing leaving you alone on the dance floor. There was now a whole lot more people then there was a few hours ago. Even though you had some drinks the buzz was starting to wear off. Heading back to the bar you bumped into a rather large man. Saying your excuse me’s you continued to the bar. After ordering you drink you went to reach for your purse to which it was no longer on your shoulder. feeling a tap on you other shoulder you turned around. “I think you... Y/N!?!?” Tyson said. “Thanks.” you said grabbing you purse, downing your drink, placing the money on the bar and headed for the doors. 

You just couldn’t be around him, not yet. Seeing him there all up on the other girls dancing, buying them drinks. It was just too much. Pulling out your phone you started to call for an Uber. “Y/N,,, can we just talk?” Tyson asked out of breath from clearly running after you. Ignoring him you hear a faint hello on the other end of the line, giving them your address you hung up.” “You moved pretty far huh? Why?” Tyson asked still standing behind you. “It’s none of your business Tyson, now just go back into the bar and forget you even saw me.” “How can I Y/n, you the most beautiful girl here.” “You’re drunk Tyson.” You said walking away. 

“Y/n, just stop. I haven’t seen you for two years and this is how you are going to treat me?” Tyson asked sounding kind of hurt. “Do you think it is easy for me Tyson, I spent five years of my life with you, loving you, supporting you, waiting. You didn’t even act like you wanted to be in a relationship anymore towards the end so I made the right choice for the both of us. I moved because I couldn’t stand to see how happy you were with the other girls after we broke up. And honestly nothing has changed, so go back in there and go hook up with some puck bunnies or something because I’m not coming back.” You said now spotting your uber. 

Before you knew it Tyson grabbed your arm turning you around to face him. “Tyson, what...” Tyson crashed his lips onto yours, it was like fireworks going off inside your head. Even though it had been two years, and even though you had broken up with him didn’t mean that you stopped caring for him, it didn’t mean that you didn’t love him. Pulling away you looked into Tyson’s eyes. you could tell they were sad. “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretend that they are you. After you broke up with me I tried to find someone to drown out my sadness, all the girls I kept picking just reminded me of you. I didn’t even really like them, I just wanted you Y/n. I tried pretending that they were you and they weren’t. I hoped and prayed i would run into you again. I am so sorry that I wasted five years of your life Y/n. I wish that I could take it back and been the better boyfriend that you needed. That you deserved.” Tyson said now with tears in his eyes. “Y/n, please, I need you. I’m 27 now and I’m tired of playing these games. I love you.” 

“Ty... I... i need some time to think.” You said before getting into your uber. You were heading back to your place, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Tyson had said. Maybe he has changed. Maybe he is finally ready to settle down. Before you knew it you gave the uber driver your old address. You hoped that Tyson had gone home by this point. Pulling up to the old apartment building you got out. Taking a big breath you headed up to Tyson’s apartment. 

Knocking on the door you head footsteps. The door opened revealing a puffy eyed Tyson. “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretend that they are you either.” You said making Tyson smile. “This is your one and only chance Tyson Barrie. You better not waste another five years of my life.” You said kissing Tyson. 

[astrologicallygracie]

1Hi just venting here and trying to see other people’s opinion on this. I recently broke up with a guy i was with for 2.5 years because hes always had baggage with his insta and him just entertaining other girls on it. Hes already been caught dming a girl before and deleted the convo before i could see it. Fast foward 3 months later he was confronted by my best friend to show me his dms if he has nothing to hide and he just wouldnt. So i figured that hes been talking to girls and broke up w him

2 if it was anything bad he obviously would have shown it. I have broken up and blocked him. I was so in love with him and i did everything to save the relationship. He was never fully caught cheating on me but hes always had these weird interactions and hes around girls a lot when hes with his friends. I just cant trust him anymore nd it breaks my heart. Did i do the right and normal thing?-Hi bby!✨💘 First of all I want you to take a second to breathe because it’s all going to be okay 🌸 When it comes to breakups, especially when it comes to being with someone for that long, there’s always an urge to get back together. There’s always that weird time period where you don’t know how to handle the change because it’s not your usual and so you find yourself going back to the relationship because it’s what you’re comfortable with day to day. It’s completely normal to feel like that, however, it’s important to recognize those behaviors just in case that is the case. Personally I feel like regardless of him cheating or possible cheating, the fact of the matter here is that there isn’t trust. Yes it is unknown whether he actually cheated BUT what is known is that you’re doubting and intuitively suspecting and with that comes a lack of trust. Here are the facts: 1) He has messaged other women before, 2) he deleted a message with another woman so you couldn’t see it, 3) He wouldn’t allow you to see his messages/phone, 4) he’s had weird interactions. Those are all of the facts. Did you catch him cheating? Maybe not physically but because you’re in a place of suspecting/doubting and mistrust than he’s obviously cheated you emotionally because he wasn’t honest with you when you asked to see the messages and when he chose to delete them. You’re not in the wrong for feeling like he cheated. People have this idea in their head that cheating is physical but the thing is that it’s not always physical. Cheating is betraying the trust and morality of the relationship and so I personally would consider that cheating because he didn’t talk about it with you and he decided to hide it. You shouldn’t be the only one in the relationship trying to save it or keep it floating. You shouldn’t be the one to take his shit. You shouldn’t be the one to keep trying. It has to be mutual and filled with trust and when someone betrays that trust, it’s hard and it’s hard to work on something when you’re not even sure if you can trust them. I think this relationship was a very good turning point for you in the sense that it sucks right now but it was a learning experience and now it’s time to move on. I think everyone should do what they want to do so I’ll leave that up to you but I don’t think you’re in the wrong and I think it was a good decision. Trust is key and it falls apart when you don’t have that. It’s also just emotionally and mentally frustrating and unhealthy for you to be with someone you can’t trust because the doubt will eat at you. I wish you the best and good luck with what the future brings and I hope it’s of positivity and love and happiness 💘

[atsumus-left-tit]

92 Truths

RULES: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you; at the end choose people to be tagged

i was tagged by @sapidsuga (my god this is the longest one you made me do lmao)

tagging: @religion-agustd @joy-bangtan @baeby-hyun

so much happening bellow here like damn 

last

1. drink - water 2. phone call - My dad, idk man I call him all the time he misses my sister an I.  3. text message - “YOU MEAN I GET TO HANG OUT WITH MY TWO LONGEST STANDING FRIENDS?!?! SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING PLAN” lol my friend asking if she can hang out with me on my birthday because my other friend from Georgia is coming :DDD 4. song you listened to - Tightrope - Greatest Showman  5. time you cried - I think two weeks ago? panic attack, haven’t cried since because I habitually suppress my emotions :DD

ever

6. dated someone twice - nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it - Maybe? not so much regret I just hate PDA  8. been cheated on - nope 9. lost someone special - yea, but they ain’t special anymore  10. been depressed - :DD can you see the pain in those little eyes? yes.  11. gotten drunk and thrown up - no man I can’t do alcohol. Like just not my cup o tea

fave colours

12. green 13. blue 14. red

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - yes thank god  16. fallen out of love - nah?  I had a deep crush and that ended but I didn’t love em 17. laughed until you cried - yes, fucking you have no idea  18. found out someone was talking about you - nope 19. met someone who changed you - not really. Unless you count my therapist, then yea?  20. found out who your friends are - yes, let me fucking tell you.  21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - I don’t have FB

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - NA 23. do you have any pets - yes my dad has my dog pebbles while I am a sad bean in college  24. do you want to change your name - Okay so like I always have wanted to change it but idk what to. Katie always seemed too boring and Kathryn is nicer (probably because I never here it) but even then idk  25. what did you do for your last birthday - real talk, I cant fucking remember. I think my friends (the one I sent that text to) took me out for Korean food and I ate a lot of cake and watched a movie with my dad.  26. what time did you wake up today - dont judge me but like 1:30 PM its 2:30 now and I am still in bed lol... 

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - Watching Legends of Tomorrow, knitting, and petting my sleeping friends head. 

28. what is something you cant wait for - my period to fukin end. also maybe not be depressed? goals 30. what are you listening to right now - my roomate is asleep so I guess her breathing? and the AC is real loud.  31. have you ever talked to a person named tom -sad fucking life man Tom passed away 3 years ago now I am sad. 

32. something that’s getting on your nerves - so Liars is a big one, people who speak like they are better than you, people who play dumb to avoid talking to you directly lmao am I describing my abusive mother and my old friends? you bet I am :D

33. most visited website - youtube or tumblr or insta

34. hair colour - red/ strawberry blonde I like to let it fade. 

35. long or short hair - long af  36. do you have a crush on someone - nope 37. what do you like about yourself - my hair and my eyes 38. want any piercings? - fuck yes but I am also lazy and can’t be bothered to actually get it done.  39. blood type - awko IDK 40. nicknames - Katie  41. relationship status - single 42. zodiac - Aquarius  43. pronouns - she/her 44. fave tv shows - List could go on forever so I will just say currently watching Legends of Tomorrow to catch up to where I am on the Flash and Arrow.  45. tattoos - I plan on getting one with my sister and I designed my sisters tattoos.  46. right or left handed - Right 47. ever had surgery - no but I have sat in a MRI/CAT scan for several long and horrible hours.  48. piercings - nah 49. sport - nah 50. vacation - Literally anywhere. Rome and Seoul are my top two. Need to return to both.  51. trainers - Nike

more general

52. eating - A banana  53. drinking - water, that’s literally all I drink 54. i’m about to watch - Legends of Tomorrow but also I have too much homework 55. waiting for - My friend to figure out what the fuck she wants like damn I cant keep running circles around you.  56. want - My BFF to get here faster ;; Friday is so far 57. get married - not for a longgg time 58. career - IDK man something im comfortable with 

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - I hate physical contact, but I guess I like hugs?  60. lips or eyes - eyes 61. shorter or taller - Taller 62. older or younger - older 63. nice arms or stomach - Don’t matter? both? neither?  64. hookup or relationship - relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - somehow both? Like I hesitate and then regret so the next time I fuck around and anxiety and just yes bad cycle. 

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - nah 67. drank hard liquor - yes it tastes like hand sanitizer fucking nasty  68. lost glasses - I don’t have glasses. but I lose sunglasses a lot.  69. turned someone down - nope 70. sex on first date - nope #virgin  71. broken someone’s heart - I hope not 72. had your heart broken - Romantically no? but in other ways yes.  73. been arrested - no that shit scares me 74. cried when someone died - hell yeah 75. fallen for a friend - nope

do you believe in

76. yourself - yes! If i don’t who will? 77. miracles -100% yes

78. love at first sight - hmmm I want to believe in it. 

79. santa claus - nope 80. kiss on a first date - sure why not 81. angels - yes

other

82. best friend’s name - AMELIA MIA WENJUN MINJI MUST I GO ON (this is all the same person lol @baeby-hyun ) 83. eye colour - greeeeeeen!! 84. fave movie - Greatest Showman 85. fave actor - It changes like my bias changes for BTS lmao

Random

86. if i could only eat 1 food for the rest of my life i’d choose salads

87. This is too fucking long I wanna go back to sleep 

88. seriously need to pee but nah

89. i love being alone but also dont wanna be alone ya know?

90. i love taking naps, more than going to sleep at night

91. I love the moon and staying up late

92. I have a lot of hatred in my heart

[swiss-swissmiss-blog]

Himdae Fluff for Anon 💕✨😂

Himchan was doing that thing again - the thing where he innocently began checking his Instagram, only to suddenly be spending hours scrolling through useless crap and liking random posts.

Sometimes it was entertaining enough by simply looking at the posts made by fans: pictures of him at concerts, interviews, or his most recent selfies, with funny captions to go along with them.

However, it was when he came to one post in particular, this his attention was caught, and he ended up reading what this fan in particular was complaining about.

It was about Daehyun’s treatment towards Himchan in their most recent interview, where the younger had done nothing but be a nuisance towards Himchan, prodding and poking him, saying things he didn’t really mean and basically being a pain.

Himchan couldn’t help but find it funny how seriously his fans took Daehyun’s words; he was his friend, and friend’s normally made fun of each other. 

But as he continued to scroll through the comments, several fans agreeing with the post and defending Himchan, a tight knot formed in the male’s stomach and suddenly his mind began to question whether or not it was right to be defending Daehyun as quickly as he did.

Why did he tease him so much? The other members didn’t do it nearly as much as Daehyun (with the exception of maybe Youngjae, but Youngjae was Youngjae), especially in public, and it wasn’t like Himchan was particularly rude to Daehyun in as well.

Dismissing his thoughts, Himchan threw the post into the back of his mind and continued to waste a further ten minutes of his life liking pictures of dogs and other celebrities.

The sound of the door creaking open broke the silence so softly that Himchan almost didn’t notice until another male’s presence was obvious in the room.

Daehyun,

Well shit, this is awkward.

“Hey Hyung, what you doing?” He asked gently, sliding his way across the floor and settling himself beside Himchan on the bed, the old, cheap furniture groaning under the singer’s weight.

“Just looking through Insta,” the elder replied simply and honestly, but with Daehyuns’s sudden appearance, the elder couldn’t help but let that post wiggle its way back into his brain, and suddenly he was wondering if maybe it was the most adult decision to say something?

Not because he cared or was sensitive about the whole situation (he argued in his head at least) but because the fans were worried and the last thing Himchan wanted was the fans worrying about Himchan, or worse, hating on Daehyun.

“Actually, Daehyun,” Himchan locked his phone and turned to the other, who’s eyes shot up suddenly, like a deer caught in headlights at Himchan sudden ‘I’m-being-serious-now’ tone. 

Was it just Himchan, or did the male seem abnormally nervous? Like he hadn’t just come to see Himchan so he could check on him, but because he wanted to ask something?

“The fans are getting a bit defensive about how you’re acting around me in front of the camera, I know it’s just a bit of fun but could you…die it down, a little, please?”

The younger’s eyes trailed down, not meeting Himchan’s gaze, as he began to fiddle with his fingers and bite down on his bottom lip in apprehension. 

“Actually Hyung, I was wanting to talk to you about something. Since I don’t want to hide anything from you, and as my band-mate and my…friend, I feel like it would be wrong to keep it from you…”

A blush began to crawl its way up from Daehyun’s neck to his cheeks, and the words that Daehyun were going to say came to Himchan and hit him like a brick before the other could continue.

“You’ve got a girl pregnant, haven’t you?”

Daehyun’s head shot up, eyes wide. “What the hell?! No, of course not! I…”

More fiddling.

More lip-biting.

“I like you, Hyung…” He forced the words out, barely a whisper.

Himchan’s features crunched, blatantly confused.

“Well I sure as hell hope so Daehyun, I mean, we are band-mates-”

“No, I mean…more than a friend…”

Oh.

Oh.

“Oh,” he couldn’t bring himself to say anymore.

But then it suddenly made sense, the teasing and the annoying actions, the reason behind Daehyun’s frustrating ways towards Himchan, especially in public. Like a teenager who didn’t understand their own feelings, Daehyun’s way of dealing with his crush on Himchan was by basically bullying him, and when the elder looked at the singer’s face which at that moment resembled a tomato more than anything, the first sentence that came to his mind was: how fucking cute.

Daehyun waited, and although Himchan didn’t know exactly what it was the younger was hoping to gain from this confession, Himchan couldn’t help but smile as he stood up from the bed, slipping his phone into his pocket whilst Daehyun’s large, round eyes followed him with curiosity and a tinge of dread.

Himchan nodded his head towards the door, smile small but genuine. “Come on, I think we need to discuss this over drinks.”

Slowly, Daehyun’s features softened, the fear soon leaving his eyes and a smile breaking its way across his features. Rising to his feet as well (though still not brave enough to look Himchan in the eye), he followed Himchan out the door, the two now understanding each other better than they had done so before - whether Himchan felt the same not being particularly relevant. 

“Sorry for being an asshole by the way.”

“Don’t worry, it’s kind of cute to be honest.”

sorry this is rubbish i cant do fluff agh