#cant grt any better than it already is

[daily-crabbys]

This Friday's meme is: the perfect being

[teddy-feathers]

i really thought i was better but I think i was just. pushing myself very hard in a situation that was different and less stressful than what I had previously pushed myself in.

and now all I can think is

I'm not going to get better without help.

so like im pursing that but ive got to get a job in the mean time and i think I'd like to just. lay down and die for a bit instead.

i hate this on again off again shit

its been like. three weeks or something idk.

im still tired and over it

and i dont want to try

and i dont want to explain or justify that i feel bad and I'm desperately afraid of exasperating that or that theres little i can do but just. slip in the work when my gaurd is down

its like being the prince, the damsel, and the dragon all at once when as far as everyone else is concerned youre the prince pretending to be the damsel at best and ignoring the hundred other very real dragons at worst

i dont want to play out this metaphor any more though it works quite well.

im upset and tired and painfully aware i exist.

its no longer the worst thing in the world but i still don't know how to deal with this any better than I already am

yanno besides coming clean and admitting im fucked again because.

that cant happen?

because attempts to help from my family are. not good.

or maybe would work on one level but make all the rest of the okayness ive got going on collapse which is a shame because i almost dont hate myself anymore and im almost okay with my parents finally and i don't want that to change

i mean its not perfect but its mine and i dont want that to change because i accidentally triggered us all back into our old rutts.

I can only do do much though and i can only push myself so much and I'm pretty damn shaken in my confidence. being better okay emotionally in a general sort of way really does make it feel really fucked up that ive had auch a casual disregard for. stuff.

like. I thought it was fake. or not that bad. and part of me still does and the rest really thinks that maybe if id been a little less careful everyone else would have been afraid too instead of what i thought people would tell me or act.

because. i really really didn't care about myself. i hated myself and. was really focused on the bad. and like. i still see it! but im also a lot more forgiving of myself and i care now when i didnt before and as someone who kinda wants to keep me around I'm scared now. of then yeah but of just how easily i slipped right back into it. just for a little.

passively suicidal isn't actually. okay. or any better than actively. its sneaker and awful like i always thought myself to be. and i think. i was right. if i was worse people would have done something about it. but that doesnt mean i wasnt really really bad. or that it wasnt really scary or a wake up call that I'm still not. 100% i guess.

even if i was tired and miserable and sore and grumpy a lot... this last job was so much better and really improved my life. i wasnt anxious the better part of the day or super stressed every day in a building shit way. or rather. it happened slower i guess?

and that helped a lot. and ive worked on myself a lot and... it feels stupid because i was proud of my progress only apparently i hadnt made it that far...

and this all feels like lies im trying desperately to tell myself so I'll feel better - fooling myself into believing but. i dont think it is? i think. i could talk myself into believing it is but i think my confidence was just shaken and I'm not used to having any and

im used to relying on myself and i dont know if i can trust myself anymore. which is ridiculous. i may not know my limits but i can do anything i set my mind to... if only for a little.

i need to grt myself together. not thinking doesnt help but thinking just makes me cry and take exhausting self realization journeys and neither of those things helps me move forward.