#cant ever attain that goal. like im just stupid stupid stupid and a complete failure when measured by the standards that
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#well lads i just realised that i still havent managed to forgive myself for not being able to live up to my own standards in terms of#academic success and whatever else im doing with my life#like on a rational level i know im not even a disappointment to my parents although i feel like id deserve for them to feel this way but#i know my parents are proud of me even with the path ive chosen but i still feel like ive failed them#as much as ive failed everyone who thought i was intellectually gifted or whatever#because only since ive entered uni have i come to realise that i actually am not smart at all and even if i am then i am still incapable of#putting my intellectual capabilities to actual use in terms of succeeding academically. and like i grew up thinking#that i would be able to push myself to become better and succeed in a field that challenges me intellectually but#idk if i can blame that on mental illness or if i truly just am dumb as shit but i cant#i cant become the person i wanted to be a few years ago and subconsciously still wanna be even if i thought i had already accepted that i#cant ever attain that goal. like im just stupid stupid stupid and a complete failure when measured by the standards that#i set for myself growing up which are high i guess and maybe unrealistic which is why i thought i had finally moved on from them but no#and i get so sad and angry at myself when i see what i could be but never will because im too weak and stupid to even seriously try#to attain it. and now im slowly getting past the age where i could try to maybe still succeed after all like bruh im 22 and just started#a different major this year after dropping out of my last one and i know i cant waste any more time because ive already lost so much of it#to just being passive and indecisive and wallowing in my own misery#also i know a lot of this probably doesnt make sense bc i kept it so vague but no one reads my whiny posts on here anyway#111
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