#cant afford therapy so i process my feelings on tumblr like a true adult

[amortize]

my abortion story

below the cut you’ll find an account of my experience with abortion. i have no doubt that very few people will read it, but i think i needed to write it. I hope it helps you if you need it.

Okay, so this is something that i’m not sure i really know how to put into words? Or really want to, per se? But i feel like with abortion featuring so heavily in the media recently, i’m finally realizing just how many unprocessed feelings i have about my own experience with abortion. With my own abortion. See, for some reason i even hesitate to put it into direct words like that? And i’m literally tearing up as i’m typing this, and idk, i just feel like i owe it to myself to put my experience into words.

Okay, so basically i just knew i was sick. Vomiting copious amounts of orange bile several times a day, unable to keep down any food or water. Constantly nauseous and nothing made even a dent in it. I am not healthy, stuff like this is not super unusual. I went to the doctor and they did some tests. 

Meanwhile, I’m in my last week at a job i’d been at for ~5yrs and desperately wanted to leave on a good note, so i was slogging through work, rushing to the back room to puke in cardboard boxes, and then going home and being miserable in a blanket nest the rest of the time.

Pregnancy was ruled out, initially, because I had an iud implanted, and chances of pregnancy while on an iud is incredibly miniscule. So it was only when the second doctor mentioned pregnancy that I even thought of it as a possibility.

So they did more tests and I left the doctor and went and bought pregnancy tests. I remember throwing up an obscene amount of bile in the dollar tree parking lot (protip their pregnancy tests are cheap and gr8, walmart has some for like a dollar too), still feeling so ill and miserable. And then going home and taking first one test, then two, and just sobbing to myself on the bathroom floor.

By that point, I already knew that I was going to abort the pregnancy. I do not want kids. I do not want to pass on my physical/mental issues to a child. I think I could be a great mom? I think I could definitely devote my life to kids and do a great job raising a family. But it’s also something I do not want to do. And ultimately, I have enough trouble keeping myself alive and relatively healthy. On paper, we could have made a pregnancy/child work if we really, really needed to. But honestly, I think I would have just killed myself, ultimately.

It was late, at this point, so I tossed and turned restlessly for a couple hours before hopping on the computer to navigate the deplorable system of online healthcare, trying to find ogbyn and abortion providers that would be covered by insurance. I was on the computer when the doctor called me with positive pregnancy test results, as soon as he got in that morning. Before the office even opened, which I thought was thoughtful. He honestly had no helpful advice, but he referred me to an obgyn, who I saw later that morning.

Honestly the following part of the experience is the portion I find most painful to recount. I was pretty positive going in? I already had confirmation of pregnancy, so I wanted abortion referrals and options. I had done some research and knew it was early enough that I should be able to take pills for a chemical abortion. And an iud removal, obviously, since it clearly hadn’t done what it was supposed to.

Well he did the pelvic exam, refused to remove the iud in case it might harm the pregnancy (yes, I know it can cause miscarriages, but I was def ok w that), told me he didn’t know anything about abortion and didn’t know anyone he could refer me to, and then got very concerned about the fact that it might potentially be an ectopic pregnancy and referred me for an immediate ultrasound.

So I wandered the endless, soulless maze of the hospital complex, drank a bunch of water, confirmed with the desk that everything would be covered by insurance (because I really could not afford all of this), and had an uncomfortable and kind of dehumanizing ultrasound wih a nurse who was markedly less friendly when I wasn’t excited about the possibility of pregnancy.

My boyfriend picked me up in the hospital parking lot and took me home, but he was in the midst of a full time internship and summer school finals, and was literally moving back to school for his final semester later that day. So he was supportive, definitely 100% supportive of me and my health and my decision to abort, but not really present. And I didn’t want to ask, because he had things he needed to be doing and I didn’t want to add to the stress of that.

Basically, I went home and researched abortion clinics online. Due to the early timeline and the possibility of a chemical abortion, I wanted to get in asap. I think it was a Wednesday afternoon, at this point. I was starting a new job in another week, and a new semester of school, and I was panicking, and I just wanted, no, needed, the whole situation resolved asap.

There were a few options within a ~1hr radius, which I acknowledge is not the case for most people, and is something I am exceedingly grateful for. Due to location and scheduling, I ended up with a Friday? Morning appointment with CaraFem, though I think a Planned Parenthood location was my second option.

In the ~1.5 days it took to wait for my appointment, I was still sick and miserable, unable to keep down food and vomiting that weirdly orange bile. The obgyn I saw had refused to remove my iud, but I got conflicting information as to whether or not they would be able to remove my iud (and thus proceed w the abortion) without a second appointment, and I did not want this ordeal to continue into another week (and necessitate an extra day and an extra drive and an extra appt cost, ect). Ultimately, I ended up removing the iud my myself with a hand mirror and a pair of tweezers.

The next morning I went for the abortion appointment. It was an anxious drive, and there were some protesters outside, and the building was confusing to navigate, but the office had a locked entry and felt very warm and safe inside. The two employees were very pleasant and helpful, ran my insurance and everything during the exam and gave me the advice to pay out of pocket as it was cheaper.

The exam itself went great. The doctor was kind and professional, explained the whole procedure and all my options. I was about 6wks along and I opted for a chemical abortion. My memories are hazy now, but It involved pills inserted into your vagina that essentially cause a miscarriage. I did that as soon as I returned home.

The “abortion” honestly wasn’t that much worse than a heavy period combined with the sickness caused by (my admittedly abnormal) early pregnancy itself. The bigger issue was the social environment surrounding me. My grandparents were coming to stay for a few days for my birthday, and there were things planned and obligations to consider, and because the celebrations were ostensibly for me, I had to be present and engaged whether I felt like shit or not. (You know the type, “our presence is the real present so now you have to spend the whole time catering to us”)

So while my entire family slept downstairs, I spent a miserable evening cramping, puking my guts out, and bleeding profusely from my vagina. And then I got up the next day and had to pretend to be happy and grateful while still sick and in pain and honestly mentally not in a great place. But anyway, everything went fine. I bled for about a week, spotted for a couple more, and had a confirmed negative pregnancy test a month or whatever afterwards. I have less contact with my family these days.

It’s kind of weird to think back on this, a couple years in hindsight. I feel like the biggest lasting impact revolves around the attitudes I faced from my mother? She knew I was sick, and I disclosed the pregnancy to her, as well as my intention to get an abortion. I knew she was pro choice, had even helped a friend access abortion in college. She was not negative, but also wasn’t supportive? I feel like some of the attitude stems from her own childhood. She was the result of an unintended pregnancy between two teenage parents, and I think a lot of her attitudes towards premarital sex boiled down to “don’t have any”. So I think some part of her felt like this was the consequences of my own actions, in a way? Because heaven forbid I have protected sex in a long-term relationship and happen to have failproof birth control fail. I don’t know. I feel like I needed someone to be there for me. To hold me and tell me it would be okay, and drive me to my appointments so i didn’t have to deal with the confusion and the anxiety and the panic alone. And instead of helping when I asked for support, she passive aggressively went out of her way to be harder on me. Which maybe isn’t fair. Or maybe I should have known better how to ask for what i needed? 

Looking back in the aftermath, I am so exceedingly grateful to Carafem, where I was treated with compassion and dignity. I think I paid ~$600 total for the entire procedure, including all prescriptions and an ultrasound exam. I was the only patient in the office, the environment was clean and peaceful, and I received sincere and meaningful medical care. If I were ever in this situation again, I would go there, no question, and would not hesitate to recommend them to anyone in need.

I feet exceedingly frustrated with the mainstream medical system, which made it very difficult for me to access abortion care. My single office exam and the ultrasound i was assured multiple times would be covered by insurance ended up costing about $3000, which I spent the next year paying off. But mostly it was the frustration? The dehumanization? The lack of transparency regarding referrals? When it came to abortion that left me with a sour taste in my mouth. I literally removed my own iud because I was so distraught about 1) the unknown cost of care and 2) the ability to receive care (since that procedure had been denied to me earlier in the day). I will never go back to that obgyn office ever again. I also received and had to contest a $1600 insurance bill for the Carafem visit I paid $600 out of pocket for :)

This experience also made me reconsider my birth control options. I had opted for an iud specifically because it had the least risk of unintended pregnancy. On it, my periods were lighter but also inconsistent–i could go months without, or with just spotting, which is why I didn’t notice the pregnancy at first. I also had a small amount of discomfort and cramping with it? Which I didn’t really notice until after the fact. Today I am taking a more traditional birth control pill, which I take daily, and the routine of being able to track my period with the sugar pill weeks is comforting, I think. I still keep a couple dollar store pregnancy tests in the closet, which I take in a panic if my period is a day or two late. 

I still feel no regret over my actions. I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong? If anything, I went out of my way to take precautions, and they failed, and that’s not my fault. And even if I hadn’t taken precautions, it still wouldn’t be my fault, because abortion is healthcare. Hell, the only reason I knew I was pregnant is because I became so violently ill. Regardless of my situation, or my preparedness for a child, I was not mentally and physically well enough to continue a pregnancy without it taking a massive toll on my wellbeing, and it was totally fair for me to prioritize my own health over that of a potential fetus. 

I think if I were in a situation where abortion was not an option, I would deliver the baby and then give it up for adoption. But I think back to how sick and miserable I was for that single (knowing) week of pregnancy, of the tens of thousands of dollars of medical costs of childbirth, and lost work, and how long I would have to work to dig myself back out of that hole…Not to mention, my health is not great currently, how much worse would it be after pregnancy and childbirth?

Don’t get me wrong, I love children. I delight in pictures of cute kiddos, and I mourn with friends suffering infertility, and I recognize the majesty of bringing a child into the world. But it was not the right path for me, and it is not the right path for many other women. And so for us, I think I need to keep reflecting on my abortion, because pushing those traumas to the back of my mind isn’t helping me or anyone else. And processing my experience starts with talking about it, so here I am, talking into the void…