#cannot wait to see what happens if i ever get sleep deprived and on weed if this me when im normal

[kris-cant-draw]

zooted tbh creature i drew, yes its very ovius i censoryed my finger tip

[isabellabrodar]

Rely on You✖️JJ Maybank✖️

word count: 1573

warnings: mentions of alcohol and drugs, death/loss

JJ Maybank x Reader; JJ Maybank x John B’s sister

Everyone in my family has left me at some point. My mother ditched us for Colorado when my brother and I were only three years old. John B took that pretty, hard but I knew we were better off without her. Caring for her children wasn’t really a strength of hers anyways, so we barely talk about her now.

Then our dad went away to find the lost gold on the Royal Merchant and never came back. This time the loss of a parent broke me. I didn’t dare hope that he was just stranded somewhere, slurping on a coconut and waiting until someone comes to get him and although his body never was found, John B and I silently agreed on moving on. Accepting that your dad died isn’t the easiest thing for two teenagers to do. So I tried to lose myself in school stuff and John B took over our household. I think it was just his way of coping with the situation, but it became annoying pretty quickly. Every time our friends came over, it seemed like he was trying to prove that he was taking care of me.

And then he died. Or at least we all thought he and Sarah did. But turns out they were alive the whole time and now everything can go back to normal. But losing almost everyone that you have learned to rely on hurts you in a way that cannot be undone.

I was gripping the red plastic cup tightly as I tried to make my way through the dancing and drinking crowd. My eyes were moving rapidly over every face nearby, searching for my brother’s hazel eyes and curly brown hair. But I didn’t see him. So I pushed further into the mass of people until I passed a group of Kooks, standing on the edge of the boneyards, seeming to be staring at a girl dancing her heart out only a couple of feet away. I usually would’ve said something to them but I just walked by, my breathing becoming quicker as I whispered John B’s name over and over again.

When I felt a strong hand grab my shoulder, I turned around in a quick motion.

“John B?” I said before I looked into clear blue eyes.

“No, Y/N. He left about five minutes ago with Sarah. They’re fine.” JJ’s voice was calm but his look was drenched with worry and his grip didn’t loosen up as my breathing slowed down a bit.

“Sorry, J. I…I just didn’t know where he was. I was…I am sorry.” I felt a small tear of relief roll down my cheek as the panic started to die down and JJ moved to put a strand of my dark brown hair behind my ear.

“It’s okay. No need to apologize, smarty. We’ll go home yeah? I’ll get Kie and Pope.” I could hear a slight slur in his words, probably coming from more than just a couple of beers. Other than that he sounded tired and I knew that was my fault.

“No, J. I can get home by myself. Let them enjoy themselves, I don’t want to ruin the whole evening.” I put the empty cup on a rock wall next to me and straightened out my white summer dress. JJ looked me up and down once and then shook his head. I knew he wasn’t going to let me walk home alone after that panic attack.

“I’ll tell Pope that we’re going home. Meet you at the truck.” And before I could argue once more, JJ was already on his way over to our friends who were chatting with some other Pogues that I had seen before at school. So I went back into the crowd and saw that one of the Kooks from earlier was now dancing with that one girl and his friends weren’t staring anymore but looking around for something or better someone else to watch. I made my way over to my old truck, dodging several elbows and spilling drinks, while thinking about all the other times the panic had taken a hold of me and JJ had been there to help me.

Our friendship used to be very easy, I would say. We met through John B in third grade and have been inseparable ever since then. With the others we would go surfing almost every day but when it came to talking about serious matters, JJ and I usually kept to ourselves. Occasionally I had noticed the forming bruises on his cheeks or ribs whenever he came back from his house, but he always said it was nothing or an accident and I didn’t pressure him into telling me more, although I made it a point to come with him to his house as often as I could, so his dad wouldn’t get a chance to touch JJ.

And in return JJ didn’t ask about my nightmares that would wake me up every night after we thought John B and Sarah died. He’d move closer to me on the mattresses that we put into the living room for us four to sleep on. Kie and Pope mostly slept at their houses though, which was good, because then I didn’t have to explain myself to even more people. The problem is, that even after my brother and Sarah came back, the nightmares didn’t stop and I started having panic attacks when I felt like I lost them again. Just like at the party. And since JJ was the only person who knew about that, he felt obligated to take care of me.

This is pretty far away from us calling each other smarty and pretty boy, reducing each other to what people mostly noticed about us and never talking about anything besides parties, surfing and how many grams of weed we would need to get for the next tour on the HMS Pogue.

I grabbed a hoodie from the passenger seat of my truck and closed the door again when I heard footsteps approaching.

“You know I am fine. No need to deprive all these pretty girls from their favorite pretty boy.” I said in a mocking but tired tone whilst nodding my head towards the dancing crowd. JJ was now standing next to me, smiling.

“They can wait ‘till the next party. Let’s go home.” He held out his arm for me to loop mine around and then we started walking through the Cut. This kind of intimacy between us had become normal, but it never seemed to be anything besides friendship and we were both grateful for that. The summer air was cold on my legs and small goosebumps started to form on my skin.

“You really need to wear more… I don’t know, fabric I guess.”

“You sound like my dad. Or worse, like John B.” A small laugh escaped his lips as we made our way further along the street, arms still intertwined.

“I think you should talk to him about your nightmares.”

“And I think you should tell your dad he can rot in hell.” He let go of me and put a little distance between us.

“Damn, Y/N, I get it. Don’t talk to John B then.” It always came to this. Both of us telling the other what to do and to confront their problems, but we couldn’t do it and then we would get pissed off at each other, but that’s just the way our friendship worked.

We got to John B and I’s house a couple minutes later, which we had spent in silence. I opened the door and went straight towards John B’s room. The light was turned off already and I saw him and Sarah sleep peacefully. That’s when my heart beat finally went completely back to normal. When I stepped into the living room I saw JJ sprawled across one of the big mattresses. He was still wearing his clothes but that didn’t seem to matter to him.

“I’m going to sleep in my room today, J.”

He mumbled a quiet “ok” and turned his back towards me as I stepped past him.

I was standing on the beach and watched John B and my dad go into the waves on a small boat. Then thunder started and the heavy rain made it hard to see anything out on the ocean. There was lightning and then suddenly the sound of the thunderstorm stopped as I saw the lightning hit the boat that my family was on. Then they were just gone.

I woke up, breathing heavily with sweat on my forehead. My room was dark but I could hear quiet steps coming towards my bed. I scooted over to the side and started to relax as JJ planted himself next to me, still fully clothed. I laid back down and closed my eyes as the boy next to me but his arm over my side and started to calmly breathe onto my neck. This is something that has happened a lot the past two months. Always the same dream, the same horror in which I woke up and then JJ being there and helping me back to sleep just by getting closer. But this scared me. How can I let myself rely on him when everything that causes me pain comes from the people that I am closest to disappearing, getting hurt or leaving?

✖️Soo, I usually don’t write but I just wanted to try it. I know this is not a complete story or whatever and it’s kind of all over the place, but if you guys like it, then I might rewrite it or add more:)

[bloghealthinterventions]

Episode #11 The Plant Based Diet "Prescription"

Hello again! This is the podcast show notes section of Health Interventions For Your Practice! The topic at hand is the plant-based diet.

 I truly do not believe that the answer to everything is pharmaceutical based. I also believe that we have gotten so far off track that it’s going to take extreme measures to turn things back around. Just look at our patient population. They are getting sicker and sicker. The comorbidity rates are climbing, as are the obesity rates. The inflammation that is brewing inside of us from our poor choices and environmental exposures is contributing to our current state of health or lack thereof. 

 One of the ways that you can reduce inflammation, lower blood pressure, treat diabetes and hyperlipidemia without medications is by adopting a plant-based diet. It is actually becoming more mainstream to adopt a plant-based diet.  Which is making it easier to find more plant-based options at restaurants and grocery stores. Which makes it easier to have this conversation with patients.

The plant-based diet is not one that everyone is going to want to participate in. I am completely aware of that. I am also aware that you were going to get objections about giving up meat and animal-based products in the beginning. I have been able to have patients agreeable to trying this for a few days per week or having only one meat-based meal per day. There are many ways to help implement a more plant focused diet into your patients’ lives. 

There are many views on plant-based and many objections to plant-based nutrition. And there are misconceptions about a plant-based diet. Almost anything can be taken from good to bad, depending on one’s interpretation.  Some of the misinterpretation that takes the plant-based diet from good to bad is actually what is perceived plant-based in the lay community. Some have adopted the view that just not eating meat or meat byproducts constitutes as a healthy plant-based diet. Not really so. Often, they are still consuming high amounts of sugar, saturated fats and other processed by- products from processed foods.

So here we go... into the plant-based world.

I’m going to start with the benefits of a plant-based diet, how to do this healthfully, some of the things to be aware of in a plant-based diet and how to start the conversation with your patients.

Just like most everyone else, I once upon a time scoffed at the thought of not eating meat or animal-based products. How can I go without dairy? How could I ever live without cheese? How could I possibly get enough protein?

After doing some research on plant-based diet, I decided to get on board. I have a very strong family history of diabetes, hyperlipidemia and heart disease. I do not want any of those diagnoses for myself. I also like to practice what I preach as you know. I cannot ask my patients to do some thing that I have not tried myself. I like to be able to experiment with myself or very close family members to monitor outcomes and safety. And also, to be able to give real life tips. What did I have to lose anyway? If it didn’t work out, if I felt terrible, if my labs didn’t show any improvement, it was only me that had to suffer.

Well......, guess what happened?

I have lost 25 pounds without even trying! I am never hungry; I do not crave anything. I do not feel deprived. I feel better, I sleep better, I have more energy. My skin is clearer, and I recently drew a lipid panel on myself. My total cholesterol was 194, my HDL 95, triglycerides 33 and my LDL 67. I wasn’t sure that those numbers were actually possible! My previous cholesterol was 194, triglycerides 115, HDL 80 and LDL 91. My glucose from 99 to 87. TPO antibodies from 15 to 0. 

For full disclosure, I will also admit that I have not been participating much in exercise lately, as I’ve been a bit busy with this new adventure in podcasting and online training program production. Which, I Feel has been a wonderful trade-off for a short period of time. I tell you this so that you know my numbers were not skewed by my exercise or some crazy relaxing, stress-free lifestyle. I AM a practicing provider you know. And we are currently in the midst of the Covid pandemic, which makes any practicing provider’s life a bit more insane trying to keep up with the guidelines and adjustments in everyday practice.

I am sure that many of you have seen the Netflix shows and documentaries on the plant-based diet by now. Many of them are pretty good at getting the general population to stop for a moment and think about what they might be eating, but shortly after they watch the show they go back to a normal regimen. And that is where, once you have learned some of the benefits, hopefully you will be able to give it a try yourself and encourage your patients to continue on a plant-based diet and support them.

Dr. Dean Ornish is one of the Pioneers in developing protocols for using a plant-based diet and other lifestyle modifications to reverse heart disease. The evidence is very clear of all of the benefits associated with reducing the intake of meat and animal-based products. Heart disease CAN be reversed with a plant-based diet!  I will save the soapbox of some of these things for future episodes, specifically one on dairy products. I don’t want to get on too much of a tangent with you. I want to introduce this to you slowly, so that you may consider doing the plant-based life yourself and having that discussion with your clients with a little bit of knowledge of what to be mindful of.

A plant-based diet is one that consists primarily of food from whole plants. This includes vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds, legumes and whole grains.  There are many variants of the plant-based diet out there, including vegan, vegetarian, lactovegetarian, ovo-vegetarian, Mediterranean, and I’m sure many more.

 I am not trying to label specifically or get into those details, I am purely interested in giving you the overview of a solid plant-based nutritional program for your patients, that focuses on the vegetables, nuts, seeds, legumes and whole grains.

The Benefits:

High fiber intake is inevitable if done right. This will show benefits by decreasing inflammation, increasing bowel regularity, clearing a fatty liver and stifling insulin surges. The outcomes from this include lower glucose levels, lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure and weight loss. Fiber is also great for increasing satiety.

A well-rounded plant-based diet will increase general health and wellness with the increased intake of phytonutrients. Phytonutrients are best gotten from our food, rather than from supplemental forms. Phytonutrients are known to be powerful antioxidants and anti-inflammatory agents to help fight and prevent cancer, chronic illness and to boost the immune system. And I think we could all use a little immune boost right now.

 Wait! Did I mention weight loss? Did I mention that was one of the major benefits of adopting a plant-based diet?

A Few Considerations…

When one is doing a plant-based diet, they must still be very aware of what they are eating. You have to be sure to include certain nutrients that you may not get in abundance from all plant-based foods. Iron and B12 are two of the most commonly depleted nutrients on a plant-based diet. If you are aware of this, you can adjust your diet accordingly. Vitamin B 12 can be easily gotten with nutritional yeast, which has a distinct taste, referred to as cheesy. It can be sprinkled onto foods.  I like to put it on my spaghetti squash, topped with tomato sauce and then nutritional yeast. A few other sources of iron include cashews, kidney beans and black beans, as well as spinach. So again, a well-rounded plant-based lifestyle can still include these nutrients you need. One of the modules in the wellness and weight management course that I offer is dedicated to phytonutrients, micronutrients and essential elements we require for optimal functioning.

Now let’s talk about the interpretation of, or some misconceptions of, a plant-based diet. A plant-based diet is high in nutrients. It is high in a variety of food sources that come from plants. A true plant-based diet DOES NOT include French fries, pastries, pasta and other chemically processed foods or food like substances. I have seen many say that they are plant-based that still inhale everything but meat without regard and are still perplexed at how they could be gaining weight and not getting control over their chronic diseases and still feeling extremely fatigued. That is not the intention of a plant-based diet. A plant-based diet is meant to be filled with good wholesome vegetables, legumes, grains, fruits and unprocessed food sources. It Does not include cheese, which is very high in saturated fat and comes from animals. There are vegan cheeses that are made from cashews and nutritional yeast. I have tried some of those. Some better than others, but I just choose not to even go that route. I save the calories.

How to start the discussion with your patients…

When you start a discussion with your patients, you may get a lot of kickback. Especially if you’re in a place like me, where we were raised on Home cooking, with meat and potatoes required at every dinner. And with grandmas trying to make you fatten up a little bit. 

As a side note, I’m not sure how many of you have a grandmother like this, but when I was growing up, mine kept a can of lard under the kitchen sink that she cooked with! Looking back, I am not sure how I live through that experience. I ate fried eggs in it every morning that I stayed with her, and it was used for gravy making and soup making to add flavor.  I have to laugh about it now or I would probably vomit.  I’m not sure how she lived to be 83, but she did. My theory is that she was a hard-working woman that never sat down to rest much and had eight children to chase after. I can also still see her using a sickle to knock down weeds on an embankment in front of her house every summer. That would definitely burn off a few extra calories, decrease stress and maybe ward off ill effects from that can of lard.

Ok, back to discussing the plant-based life with your patients.

The plant-based discussion is one worth having with patients. If you start by asking what they typically eat in a day, to see where they are on the scale of carnivore, you’ll have a pretty good idea how much work will be involved with this discussion. Review the benefits of going plant based. If they have multiple comorbidities, or is they are chronically fatigued or trying to lose weight, they may be willing to implement the strategy.

If they have IBS symptoms or chronic constipation and you discuss with them that increasing their fiber through a plant-based diet May help to regulate their bowels, they may be more willing to implement the strategy.

If they have chronic pain or fibromyalgia, that cannot be attributed to anything diagnostically, they may be more willing to implement the strategy.

If you’re about to add another medication to them to better control their diabetes, cholesterol or blood pressure, they might be willing to implement the strategy.

If all else fails, have a discussion with them about sexual dysfunction.  It is well documented that sexual dysfunction, most commonly erectile dysfunction, may be attributed to early cardiovascular disease. The arteries in our body are not selective to the effects of atherosclerosis and buildup of lipid Plaques. All of the arteries are being clogged up with saturated fats that come from meat and animals-based products. Dr. Ornish has shown that this could be reversed with a plant-based diet. There have also been studies to show that there will be a significant improvement in erections and sexual function with the adoption of a plant-based diet. After this discussion, they may definitely be willing to implement the strategy.

I have many ways to get my point across to patients. Or, maybe I should say to help them get what they need and want in a persuasive and effective manner. Remember, when you speak to someone from THEIR viewpoint of health, you’ll get a whole lot further in your conversations. If you are speaking with a gentleman that is suffering from erectile dysfunction, whether that dysfunction be from medication side effects or from physiologic disease processes, they are willing to listen to you about how to restore and improve function.

So how do we start the implementation process?

I start with, “can you decrease your red meat to once per week?” then, I move into “can you decrease all animal-based consumption to three days per week?” And then I asked them to pay attention to how they feel on the days that they didn’t eat meat.

On the days that they are not eating meat, I have to prepare them for what to eat and how to modify their usual intake so that they aren’t hungry, and they feel like they aren’t being deprived.

There is a lot of flavor in a plant-based diet. There’s food to eat. You’re not being deprived to be on a plant-based diet. You can substitute many things for meat.

I find it best to give examples, so they know they are not going to struggle. I have already mentioned to you that I use spaghetti squash instead of pasta, nutritional yeast instead of Parmesan cheese. How about black bean tacos? Instead of hamburger chop up black beans or don’t chop them up, depending on preference, season them with taco seasoning, as you would hamburger, heat them up and top them with your usuals, minus the sour cream and cheese of course! But you can use salsa and jalapeños. Maybe spinach instead of iceberg lettuce to add to the nutritional value. I have done the same with burgers. Using black beans or kidney beans, chopped up, adding in seasoning, some ground flax for additional fiber and omega fatty acids, pat them into a burger shape, put them on the grill or fry them in olive oil or avocado oil. There are many many ways to make substitutions!

I do offer a patient-based health interventions program that includes an online weight program loss for them. I do weekly videos of how to prepare meals for weight loss, from a plant-based standpoint, that are posted on the health interventions Facebook page. Feel free to utilize this for yourself or for your patients.

If you have been listening to the podcast or follow me on social media or my website, you know that I do offer a weight management program that you can implement into your practice right away that focuses on nutrition, lifestyle and modifiable factors. And that course covers a wide range of topics the attribute to overall health and wellness. It isn’t only about nutrition and what medication you can prescribe to make someone lose weight.

 I believe you need a full program and that we need to re-educate our population to bring ourselves back to a healthier place.  This weight management program can very easily be 100% plant based and you will learn further how to modify the plant-based diet into a keto form to get them to lose weight rather quickly. This is followed by a transition into a maintenance form of the plant-based diet that still allows for adequate amount of protein, healthy fats and high fiber carbohydrates without gaining back any weight. Once you are able to learn and perfect this, you will see energy levels sore The Inflammatory state their body is constantly in When on a diet high in animal-based products Will drop significantly with a plant based diet, as will the fatigue.  The program does include a downloadable recipe guide with recipes that you can give to your patients, including a plant-based meal plan to get them started. If you’re not interested in doing the whole program, but maybe have been intrigued by some of the phytonutrient discussion today, I will make that course available for you as an individual module. Just go to the notes from this episode on the website nphealthinterventions.com for access. you can also go to healthinterventions.com/phytonutrients for details on how to get that. 

I hope that I have been able to help you understand a bit more about the benefits of a plant-based diet and how to start the discussion of that with your patients.

Have a great week! May it be filled with many Health Interventions!

[mimiangelie-blog]

Demons I Love

4:04 PM and my body is slowly trying to recover. The pipe is there in the kitchen and I lay here in bed thinking of ways to try to get any residual off of it. Though I dont know the first thing about using a pipe. I burn the bottom.. it gets black I stare at it as I light up thinking if it smash open in my face. No, my pipe skills were amateur to say the least. It was Caleb that taught me all I needed to know about that. Im sure in the back of his mind he regrets ever introducing me to a crystal meth. But here we are all maxed out. I;ve been up for two days now have not slept at all or eaten much of anything except for a yogurt this morning. How do I talk him into getting this for me he says it;s hard to say no and I often wonder why that is. But in the forefront I don’t care why. I was just relieved when he read to get it for me. I started smoking Monday Night. Carried on Into Tuesday was up all night last night, so I stop smoking at 1 AM this morning. Caleb took my liquor and poured it down the sink long ago , he says mixing math and alcohol is counterproductive and dangerous. Never thought the day would come that I would watch and report my alcohol out without a fight but I was more interested in the Crystal that laid awake waiting for me. I don;t know how to describe to a non addict what it feels like when that drug and alcohol enter your system but I know I grip it hard with both hands and enough is never enough it;s just never enough. After insisting begging pleading and apologizing to Caleb because I just did not want to be alone he let me stay in his room Monday night I kept him awake most the night, I was immensely selfish. He had to go to work the next day district manager is coming in but none of that mattered to me. I love him and my daughter so much but an addict does not how how to decipher genuine love for human versus the need and overwhelming obsessive desire to continue to put the drug and alcohol into your system. I stayed awake in his room all night watching movies drinking straight out of the pinnacle bottle and smoking meth. I did not stop I couldn’t;t and I didn’t want to. I brought my youngest child to stay with my other two daughters at their fathers house the next day. Those little girls only 11 to 9. And I left my four-year-old with them all day for no other reason so that I could use and drink without being bothered by my four-year-old. Yes selfish indeed the drinking didn’t stop I kept sipping the vodka all day and smoking the meth all day. My long time friend came over Adrian. I thought it be a good idea to show him my boobs. And there it goes in one moment my self respect my dignity self-love any of it all of it is gone just like that. But I didn’t ;t care. Because alcohol wasn’t gone and the math wasn’t gone. I kept staring at the pipe kept staring at the bottle and I would think of all the times that God had mercy and didn’t let me die. There was so many times . I should not even be here to be honest. I’m not grateful I don’t t have any gratitude I think about my daughter at her sisters house mu 3. little girls alone all day because my girls father was at work and the thought floats into the back of my mind and just moves around every once in a while popping into the front of my mind that really shouldn’t be like this and I hate myself just a little bit more. But I push it to the back of my mind again and again as I continue to drink and use it’s a merciless obsession I hate when people say why can’t t you just stop. I do not know. I guess something in my body is different than yours I will tell them. Kept staring at that pipe and a bottle of vodka all day as I used it wondering if this was going to be the day that God was going to take me wishing it would be today praying it would be today. I don’t know another solution to make the pain go away. I feel helpless and defeated as I think back over the past six months how my life is deteriorated how I am losing everything how I know it;s only gonna get worse. And all I can do is fire up the pipe in response take a swig of vodka .Around 130 this morning my pipe tapped out he threw out the liquor down the drain way before then and so all I had left was a little bit of weed to try to bring me down. Probably a big mistake my heart rate sped up I so anxious and paranoid I took a few Visterals on top of it nothing helped every noise in the apartment was louder than normal magnified there was shadow people, two men to be exact they moved around as I watched them. The back wall turn into a pink design that rolled forward, gold glitter on the right, purple smoke above my head that I could touch and manipulate with my fingers, the ceiling bellowed down like that was a terrible leak, so far down into the room that I could almost touch it. There were noises everywhere they were shadows in the corners of my eyes things on my legs I would hitting And swatting things away I was coming down and I knew it, my daughter woke up many times during the night I eventually had her sleep with me on the couch I cannot sleep in that room when I’m coming down. panic sets in desperation and fear consume me. I ;m worried about my tests coming up for drugs and alcohol in my program. I heard my daughter whining and crying and I buried my hands my head and just cried useless oblivious. Wasn’t there somewhere she could go wasn’t there somewhere I could just take her so I can come down off of this or find more? The audacity of my thoughts hit me with shame and guilt as I keep crying. She wanted to play Candyland she wanted to play chutes and ladders she wanted her mommy. I was too strung out after being up for two straight days to be able to function to do anything. All I could think about was how the hell can I get her to shut up and leave me alone. I finally had to bribe her with a toy to get her to take a nap with me this afternoon because I was so desperate for sleep. Sleep deprivation psychosis all night and somewhere around three or four in the morning today I thought I was gonna crack, kept hearing noises keep seeing things my body kept jerking with spasms,everything is happening at once and I was so sleep deprived on top of it but it didn’t matter… nothing mattered except for when the next drug or alcohol was coming to me. Certain people in my life I couldn’t do without… my kids, my dad Caleb, Daisy, Sal. Certain people that knew how to grab a hold of me and pull me back in from the hole that I keep trying to climb out of . these of the people that I hold onto desperately with two hands I can’t let go because if I do I won’t come back .

[halfbrilliant]

The Biggest Secret. SSSHHH! We already know it, though.

Firstly, this was supposed to be a tweet. Secondly, I think I’ve realised I’ve got to limit how much I seek out evidence for the matters my heart knows too well already, by watching these heartbreaking documentaries about contemporary British life. The ridiculous thing is, most people on earth would KILL to have our problems, and just learning about the problems of the privileged (us) makes me cry and breaks me up inside.

___

I watched another BBC doc about homeless people in Cardiff, and I felt like I was turning inside out. I tasted that reality only just a year ago but thank $reality I was able to pull myself back from the brink, even though I could hear Prince’s guitar playing coming from the brink which was very enticing.

How… How can the 6 people who own 60% of all the wealth… how can those people live with themselves? People always say “ignorance is bliss” OK maybe in the 70s and earlier but they cannot FAIL to see the misery now, even if it’s just a flicker, or a glance out of their tinted Hummer windows. How do they keep their children indoctrinated? Children normally rebel! Where are the rich kids stealing mummy and daddy’s banking details and paying for 1000 new hospitals in Africa? Do these people only make friends with other super rich cunts? In a way, doesn’t that make them like cancer? Sticking only with other poisonous elements that are killing the host? If I was a can-Sir-sell, I couldn’t look an antibody in the eye, either.

They did a good trick with the world’s biggest secret. It’s a clever sort of secret, nobody actually doesn’t know what the secret is, but they never talk about it, and they never think about it.

Of course I’ll remind you what the Biggest Secret is. Here we go:

On Earth, there’s enough. On our planet there’s actually way more than enough.

Discovering oil really changed the wealth game for humanity. All that life, all that pure distilled life force just lying in the ground after millions and millions of years. We turned it into money, prosperity, and environmental meltdown. Of course, it’s us that have to deal with the latter, while certain families deal with the “stresses” of the two formers. It’s tough at the top. They spend entire University budgets just on the mechanisms that hide their true wealth from the fools.

We’ve been at this oil thing for a while. It’s impossible to really get figures but there’s easily £10tn in wealth that I believe could be liquidised tomorrow if the will was there.

On this planet, there is so much stuff, that we became greedy. Then, some people got extremely clever through their greed. The rest of us stayed greedy, and the worst part about that? It distracted us. We were scrabbling for pennies on the floor while they literally sold the floor and arranged financing terms for our air, our skin, our tears.

On Earth, there is abundance. There’s loads of everything, and we could even make more. In fact, we do make more every day.

Most of it gets wasted. And most of the more privileged in the world, enough to have a home and a job and things to live for, rather than just a will to survive - we GET wasted. The guilt is apparent in everything. In my adored electronic products that I know have deprived beautiful innocent people from their birthrights - probably caused deaths - so I can have a UNIX computer in my pocket, and still be miserable anyway.

On earth, there is loads of light. Loads of land, and loads of water. A huge proportion of us scrabble just to get enough untainted water into our systems, so we can digest, so we can hydrate, so we can live, in fact.

But where I live, we like to piss and shit in clean water. And we’re not even the top 1%. I wonder what they piss and shit in. Gold flakes suspended in baby tears?

Of course, we know what they shit in. And we know who’s gonna clean it up because our shift starts later! Basically, non white people, and the poor white people, who are not white by virtue of their destitution - we’ll clean it up.

Non-white isn’t a colour. Race, isn’t actually a thing. If we were different races, we couldn’t breed with one another. (Have you seen what happens when different colours breed? Terrific results. Of course… most of them are going to starve and suffer. For no reason.) So what is non-white? Non-white, non-straight, non-male in most cases - is a class. I’ve simplified things for my simplified attitude (I find it helps me sharpen my anger, and accept there is no one specific target, and often I am the recipient). There’s the Exploiter class. And there’s the Exploited class. And that’s it.

Thatcher told us in the 80s that class was a thing of the past. So the one thing we can be sure about is that class actually started meaning more than ever the moment she said that and probably a few years before. She was a deceiver. Thatcher wasn’t a good person. She didn’t do good things, and she used the “things I would like to be true are truth” definition of truth. She lied.

She made up new bad things to happen and catalysed the old bad things that were happening already. Then she told us that they were good things. And that the reason things seemed to be getting worse was actually our fault.

You are either fucked, or you’re in the top 1%, exploiting away with your Cartier watches, your sanitised suburbs, and your completely soulless eyes.

The Exploiters are Dead to the World.

On Earth, on the only home we’ve ever known, we definitely have a wealth that most of us can’t even fathom. (There are a lot of us who can’t fathom shitting in the clean water, and little cold cupboards full of fresh food that light up when you open the door, so fathoming is relative.) In fact… There is LOADS OF WEALTH.

The rich people at the top could feed, clothe, and house the entire world and STILL be the richest people in it afterwards. If they wanted. Why don’t they want it? Because they’re dead inside. Dead would. So they just whorde and CONsume, shove ever larger and luxuriant things into a tiny hole that just gets tinier and tinier and hurts more and more.

We live on an abundant planet.

There’s enough room.

There’s enough food.

There’s (more than) enough wealth.

Trillions, and trillions, and trillions.

So what’s missing? This must be an easy fix!

Is there enough love?

Yes, among us, of course there is. We know there is. We would have faded long ago without it!

In fact, there’s so much love that that’s why we’ve sort of let the Exploiters get away with it. There’s parts of us who think that one day, they’ll realise. “There’s still good left in them somewhere. They still have love in them somewhere. This world has hurt me but I still believe. They must do too.”

Love is blind, right? We’ve been waiting hundreds of years for something that will clearly never happen. They don’t care; they can’t even know how to.

As the wealth pied up and our health dried up. Hundreds of years.

So what’s the problem exactly?

There must be a deficit of love among the exploiters. They must be broken! Who broke them?

The top percentile must be a haze of dysfunction and pain. Imagine for a moment, how broken you’d have to be, how screwed your priorities must lean, if you could change things tomorrow, for billions of us. Billions of children. No skin off your nose.

Go on, imagine you’re an Exploiter. Can you do it? Can you work out a scenario where you wake up, check your bank balance, and don’t try changing things that very morning?

So. It’s a self-perpetuating system. Only the emotionally fucked, (or psychopaths, naturally) can be exploiters. Exploiters are emotionally dead. They don’t hate us. They just don’t know us, or themselves.

So they keep exploiting. They’re the ultimate consumers. Consuming our sweat, our blood, our organs, our love, our culture, our lives and STILL they want more, and STILL they can’t even bear the thought of us having any!

But it is we who actually make the wealth. It is the exploited who get up every day and make things better for the people around them - but mainly, for the people above them. At this point it’s just the way things are done.

But we’ve changed a lot of things in history that used to just be the way that things were done.

Occasionally, one of the exploited class gets flung to the top - like a lottery win or something. Some of us naïvely think “Yay! Now they will turn around, they will permeate the wall, they will let some of our wealth back!”

Except of course normally they’re dead, crashed in a new Ferrari into a tree on pills and weed and booze - within years. Why?

Because they didn’t realise that all of their old (exploited) friends would resent them for not helping out, and all their new rich exploiter friends… Well, they’re the worst.

So what choice do they have?

Kill yourself, or lose yourself and kill everyone else: become an Exploiter.

HOW do you solve a problem where the capstone of the pyramid owns all the bricks, and sees all that they rest on, all they steal from, whose wealth they revel in, and laugh at the generators and condescendingly talk about “hard work” to… and the “you can have anything if you only try” lie…  

WELL YOU DIDN’T TRY. >>>><<<<< DID YOU CAPSTONE?

They really don’t see it, because the Exploiters are dead… they don’t see it, don’t appreciate the invisible hand of starving billions that feeds them and rocks them to sleep every night. They feel entitled. This is the way it’s always been done. If you look at a capstone on the top of a pyramid, and he shouts down to you as you survey the wonder of the gigantic thing:

“I made this! I got up here all on my own!”

‘I didn’t ask you anything’, you think ‘and besides, what are you, 1 percent of that whole thing? How did you get up there, and how will you get down without help?’ you think some more. Best not to speak back - the capstone has an intimidating quality.

and from below, the slightest of groans -

“SILENCE!!… AND ALL OF THIS BELONGS TO ME!!! I MADE IT, IT’S MINE!”

What would you think? Would you believe the capstone’s frankly silly claims? It seems to me that the capstone is rather dependent on everything and everyone below him, staying bent over, staying petrified, accepting the terms that even a 5 year old could determine is a dodgy from start to - … from start to … “Wait does this have an end or what?”.

The dodgiest deal of all time.

“Sorry folks… there’s not much to go around - some of you will get some, but it won’t be easy. “

There’s loads. They lied. There is more wealth than you or I could understand. But we don’t need to understand. There’s no REASON or NEED for human beings to understand those levels of wealth that would embarrass even the Gods.

Because it’s supposed to be shared, it’s common, for common good, for common purpose, for common uni…ty.

So how do we fix it?

I’m not sure, although the answer must involve love.

But not:

saying love.

not:

tweeting love.

not even:

disjointed prose about love

not… fucking sexing love, even.

I’m talking about… d i s r u p t i n g   l o v e . violent love.

listen, you people at the top.

YOU CAN’T PRETEND YOU DON’T KNOW. WE KNOW YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW, WE KNOW, THAT YOU KNOW.

We don’t want to hurt U~.

We don’t want to hurt U, but in OUR world of the exploited, of the cheated, we actually have enough LOVE to turn blind eyes 2 one kind of violence and one kind of violence ONLY:

Self defence.

And the best defence is a devastating, world changing OFFENCE.

And how do we justify this self defence, and whom will we capture, attack, and bring back to life?

You, exploiters. Because the truth is, you’ve been murdering us, our sons, our daughters, our mothers, our fathers, our pasts, our futures, for hundreds of years. And you won’t stop till you have it all. But the world can’t work if you have it all. The Eco will fail. So we’re

Not Going To Wait Until The Last Minute Like You Probably Assumed We Would.

WE’RE COMING FOR YOU NOW.

#ViolentLove #DisruptingLove #SelfDefenseAgainstthe1Percent #DoNotSayUWereNotWarned #DoNotFindYourHumanityAtTheLastMinuteWhenWeComeKnockin #CosWeWillKnow #OnlyRealDefenseIsADeepHardBrutalOffense #WINTERISCOMING