#cannot even finish forming the idea of 'maybe i could ask her out' before i find out said woman is in a long term relationship or something

[90sbee]

In my head I'm the one you come home to. You hug me and we have tea together. 

In my head I am your hero and I can kiss your forehead goodnight. 

In my head you look at me. In my head I had (have) a chance.

[throneofsapphics]

the ebb and flow of fate part 4 

(part one) (part two) (part three) (part five) (epilogue)

Cazriel x f!Reader

Summary: She felt a tug, a thread like current weaving between the three of them, and shoved deep, deep down.

Warnings: injuries, nightmares, angst, a bit of fluff, depression, throwing up, drinking

Word Count: 5.6k

A/N: I’m back ish! It felt so good to write again, this was close to finished before & I can’t promise when the next part will be out but I’m crossing my fingers for soon, I’m guessing there’ll be about 1-2 more

Cassian’s mad for several reasons. The main one being - she risked her life for him. Put herself in danger for him. He’s mad at himself as well for being … well, a complete asshole to her. But, right now it was easier to hold on to his anger than process any other kinds of emotions. Even if it’s not fair to her. 

He gazed over at the sleeping form, brows furrowed, curled up tightly on her side. 

His fault. 

It's his fault she’s in that pain, in that state. 

Assigning blame won’t help.

Won’t help a damn person. 

The door creaked open, Mor popping her head in. 

“Any change?” She asked, not bothering to look at him.

Another side-effect of the fucked up situation. His longtime friend, her sister, was pissed at him. Pissed at both him and Azriel, for reasons she wouldn’t disclose. Fuck, she only spoke to him when absolutley necessary - or to ask after y/n. 

“No,” his voice was curt, tone sharp. Mor finally looked at him, her eyes narrowed as she took another step in, leaving the door open behind her. 

“You can leave.” 

“I just got here,” he leaned back further in his chair, crossing his arms, looking away from her burning stare. 

“And you obviously don’t want to be,” the blonde snapped. 

“When did I say that?” 

“You didn’t have to.” 

“I want to be here,” he said through gritted teeth. Mor let out a noise of disbelief, and he couldn’t quite meet her eyes. With Azriel, they’d agreed not to announce their bond without speaking to her first. Whether or not the others figured it out, was up to them. 

“I do.” He insisted, still feeling Mor’s glare on him. The female left without another word, the door quietly closing behind her. 

Cassian stood, dragging his chair behind him towards the edge of the bed. Everything about this was confusing. Frustrating beyond belief. 

The door creaked again, and he opened his mouth to tell Mor to leave him the hell alone, but the scent of night mist and cedar hit him, and his mouth snapped shut. Azriel closed the door behind him, but didn’t move from it, leaning against the frame and observing them from afar. He tilted his head back, neck resting on the top of the chair as he looked at the ceiling. At this point, he knew every small swirl and indent of it. 

His attention snapped back in front of him as a small groan sounded, finding y/n’s eyes heavily blinking, darting between him and Azriel. 

“Another nightmare,” she muttered, and closed her eyes again. He couldn’t fight the small snort that left him. Apparently that’s what they were to her; a nightmare. It didn’t sit right with him, but he didn’t do anything to try and fix it. She could easily brush off anything he said as a delusion or hallucination. To him, there’s no point in fixing anything now, not with what Madja told them. 

 ‘I cannot guarantee how much she will remember - if anything.’

Maybe that could play in his favor, confess everything he wanted to - and brush it off as one of her hallucinations later on. He shook his head, throwing the idea out of it. That was cruel, and he hated himself for considering it. 

“Not a nightmare,” Az finally spoke. He knew she was still awake, but chose to ignore him. 

-

Morning dew coating the moss soaked through her clothing, drenching her back and legs. Her eyes are fixed above her, on the clouds warping in and out of different shapes. She can’t move, can’t block out the images, can’t escape the thoughts circling inside of her mind. Cruel words whispered in voices so familiar, but just out of reach.

Even the clouds seem to be her enemy, forming arrows launching across the sky. Could they be considered clouds? As far as she knows, clouds don’t move like that.

Not real. Not real. Not real. She chants in her mind. Regardless, right now this is her reality. There’s a vague awareness behind her, that this will end at some point. All things considered, this one is rather tame compared to the others. 

-

Thrown into her room, she cowers in the corner, wrapping her arms around her legs and tucking them in tight. Maybe if she makes herself small, they won’t notice. He won’t notice. They’ll finally leave her alone. 

Heavy footsteps pound across the room as she squeezes her eyes shut, if she can’t see it - it’s not real. It won’t happen. Cruel hands tighten around her arms, another slapping against her mouth to muffle her screams -

“Wake up,” a voice says. Wake up from where? The males hands brand into her, his body looming over her - 

“Wake up,” the same voice repeats. 

An invisible hand tightens around her shoulder, shaking it back and forth. She glances down, but the hand isn’t there. Only the one tightening around her upper arm, the grip bruising. 

“Wake up, y/n.”

Her screams are still muffled, her back slammed against the wood. 

Gentle fingers run across her forehead, “please,”

Nausea whirls as she’s flung back into her body, an arm steadies her as she launches forward, clutching a hand over her mouth. 

A bowl is placed in front of her, and she empties the contents of her stomach into it. Minutes pass, and she’s still heaving, her body pale and shaking. 

“Get it all out,” the same voice says. One she can recognize now. A voice she loathes, mostly for the comfort it’s bringing her now, even the real hand that's rubbing her back. 

As soon as she’s done, the bowl and its contents disappear, and she shoved the hand away, shuffling as quickly as she could to the other side of the bed, ignoring the pain shooting up her arms and legs, and tumbled out, barely catching herself on the other side of the wall. 

“Gods-damned it,” someone cursed, and she felt their presence moving in the room, at her side before she could make it to the bathroom on her own. 

“Go away,” she mumbled, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. 

“And let you fall on your ass?” Cassian muttered. That’s who the voice was. 

“Yes,” she manages to say, even though each breath hurts. She groans again as his arm wraps under her knees, the other behind her back. In her mind, she can pretend she’s protesting and fighting him on it, but in reality she doesn’t have the energy to. 

He deposits her in front of the sink, and hovers a few steps away like an unwelcome shadow. 

“Fuck off.” 

“A little gratitude wouldn’t hurt.” 

“Why should I be grateful to you? You don’t have to be here,” her hands grip the edge of the sink as she glares at him through the mirror, doing her best not to focus looking at herself. 

“Yes, I do,” he leaned against the doorframe nonchalantly, but she knew he’s observing every movement of hers, looking for any sign of weakness. 

Letting out a large sigh, she cups her hands under the water to rinse her mouth out. A small toothbrush and toothpaste appear next to her, and she thanks the house for it. At least he doesn’t call out how her hands shake with each movement, taking a few tries to actually get the toothpaste on the brush. 

A few minutes later, and she feels marginally better, some of her strength returning. 

Y/n slapped his hand away as she made her way out of the bathroom, but couldn’t stop him from hovering behind her. His shadow covers hers, engulfing her completely as she makes her way back to the bed. The bed. Her damned prison now. 

“You’re too stubborn for your own good,” he commented after she settled back in. 

“And you know what’s good for me now?

“Quit putting words in my mouth,” his fingers pinched the bridge of his nose, “I swear if you weren’t injured i’d -” 

“You’d what?” Hazel eyes glared at her for the interruption. “Go on.” 

“No.” 

“Exactly,” she forces a grin, “you’d do nothing.” 

His head tilts back, as if he’s praying to the mother for patience. Maybe if she annoyed him enough he’ll leave her alone. 

-

She was finally in a state of somewhat lucidity, and all he’s getting is her attitude. At least her real feelings hadn’t changed much. Yesterday was a whirlwind. 

“I think I love you both,” she sighed as Azriel ran a cloth over her forehead. He froze, his entire body going still. It was one of the times they both were in the room. 

Azriel, to his credit, didn’t stop his motions. 

“Sometimes,” she continued, “even if you’ve been assholes.” 

She went on to reference something he knew hadn’t happened, and Cassian tried to think of ways he could forget those words. I love you. 

It didn’t work, her soft and gentle voice had replayed in his mind the rest of the night. Void of the venom she usually spoke to them with. 

-

“I thought we were mates at one point, but mates can’t hurt each other.” Y/n had convinced herself this was a hallucination, and didn’t feel any remorse for saying what’s been on her mind. Dream Cassian and Azriel had frozen and she let out a soft laugh. “It’s alright. This isn’t real. I’d never tell you otherwise.” 

They exchanged a look, and she was impressed with how well her subconscious could mirror their real motions. 

“At first, I wanted everything to blow over or to try and fix it. But now, it’s easier to be angry at both of you,” she turned on her side, propping herself up on one arm, face scrunching. Pain. She pushed past it. “I don’t know if I'll ever not be angry, but I heard that hate sex is enjoyable. Not that you’d ever touch me again.” 

Cassian choked, and Azriel had gone still, shadows whirling around his shoulders. 

“That’s not true,” Az’s quiet and cool voice said. 

“That’s how I know this isn’t real” she let her eyes close again, “and thank the mother for that. I’d be mortified.” 

-

“Anything,” she begged with tears streaming down her face. “Please.” 

Anything to take some of the pain away. Azriel let himself hold her, let himself wrap an arm around her shoulders, lean her shaking body into him. 

“I can’t,” he whispered. 

“Why?” Her tear filled face gazed up at him, eyes full of betrayal, “why do you keep hurting me?” 

“I’m sorry,” his thumb brushed away some of the tears, a gesture too intimate, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

She turned her head away, “if you really were sorry, you’d help me.” 

Her breaths evened out, sleep taking over her body again. Azriel wished it would mean she wasn’t in pain anymore, but the nightmares seemed to get worse as the week went on. Sometimes, she’d be frozen in place, body stiff and eyes darting rapidly behind her lids. Others, she’d thrash in the sheets so violently his shadows would intervene of their own accord, holding her in place enough for him to try and wake her. 

-

“I’m so tired,” she told Mor. “I want it to be over.” 

“It’ll pass with time.”  

“I want everything to be over.” 

Mor’s heart clenched. “Just give it time,” she pleaded, even knowing her sister wasn’t in her right mind. That this wasn’t how she really felt. 

“It’s been years,” she whispered. 

“It’s been a week,” Mor brushed away the strands of hair clinging to her sweaty forehead. “It’ll get better.” 

“Everyone says that.” 

“It’s true, Madja said so.” 

“If Madja said so,” her hand covered her yawn. 

“Get some sleep.” 

Her head shook rapidly, even as her eyes grew heavy, lids closing. “It’s worse in my sleep. I’m alone.” 

-

“You can try using your magic soon.” 

Azriel watched as her eyes lit up, a small spark coming back - as if Madja’s words had somehow breathed life into her. For some reason, he’d insisted on being present as much as possible when the healer visited. If he couldn’t be there physically, his shadows would. 

“Now?” The words were barely above a whisper. 

“We should wait for your cousin.” Her head dropped, the small spark extinguished. “In case anything happens,” Madja added, even though she didn’t need to. Y/n would understand why. If anything got out of control, Rhys would be the best option to contain her magic.

“Step out with me for a minute,” Madja murmured to him as she crossed the doorway. A few shadows lingered behind to keep an eye on her as he followed the healer out. 

The healer studied him with a startling intensity. A few decades ago, he may have been tempted to squirm under her gaze, but now it didn’t affect him. He’s used to being looked at like that - to being scrutinized with everything he does. Still, her gaze lacked the usual distrust present in others. Trust. That’s what he’d built with the healer the last two weeks - regarding his mate, at least. His mind had just become used to calling her that. There wasn’t any other word to describe it, really, even if she chose to ignore the bond once it snapped. That’s another thought he’d become used to - the very real possibility that might happen. He didn’t know if it would be him or her who would. But, he couldn’t stand the thought of her accepting it with Cassian, and not him. They hadn’t discussed that possibility either. Maybe neither of them wanted to speak the chance into existence. 

“It may snap as soon as she has full access, it may not.” 

She’s only repeating things he already knows. 

“I’m aware,” he told her. 

Her eyes narrowed at him. 

“It may … undo some of the progress made. Her mental state is fragile.” He didn’t bother telling her he’s aware of that either, he’d witnessed it himself - either directly or indirectly, he always had eyes on her. Knew every word she’d spoken over the last two weeks. 

Madja was hesitating to say something, so he prompted, “what else should I be aware of?” 

“That’s all for now.” She was hiding something from him. In most cases, he’d figure it out in time. Azriel normally prided himself on his patience, but he’s found when it comes to y/n’s … health, he has little of it. 

“What is it?” He fought to keep his voice cool and steady. 

“I’m still looking into long term effects, although I don’t anticipate many.” Many. Meaning there still will be some. “Keep it between us,” she warned him. 

His brows flicked up slightly at that, but he assured her he would, before slipping back through the door. 

“It’s you again,” she huffed as he entered.

That’s how he knew she was lucid. The attitude and disdain. 

“Thought you’d be happy, getting your magic back.” 

“If it actually happens.” 

Something pricked the back of his neck. “What does that mean?” 

“You think I haven’t been trying?” 

Azriel pushed down his anger. Most of it. “I don’t need to tell you how stupid that is, do I?” 

“You lose your magic for a few weeks, tell me what you think.” 

He’d experienced it temporarily, through ash arrows, but never to this extent. Still, sharp and perhaps distasteful words left him, “I think you’re being reckless.” 

She blinked a few times, a type of haze coming over her eyes. “What if I never get it back?” Just above a whisper, like earlier, but this time filled with dread. 

“Then you adapt,” Azriel said, much gentler. There was a very slim possibility of that happening, but he wouldn’t deny it completely to her. That’s what he’d always brought her, honesty, and he wouldn’t change it now.  

“It’s like … missing a limb.” 

There weren’t any words of comfort he could provide, instead he crossed the room and tugged her to his side. At first, she froze against him, but he ran his fingers through her hair, and slowly she melted, letting herself relax against him. Something he didn’t feel he deserved. 

-

She didn’t lose her magic, and thank the gods because that would’ve snapped the last strand of her sanity. Sanity she felt like she was barely hanging on to at this point. 

Although reality was distorted, some things were clear to her. Cassian and Azriel had been there the most, but she didn’t know whether or not that was by their choice. She didn’t want to know. 

A month later, one particular nightmare hadn’t gone away. 

She was in a town square. Not Velaris, but Autumn. Where her ex-friend lived. 

“I told you I wouldn’t let anything come between us,” a haunting voice whispered, and their wings … her scream was guttural as two pairs of wings dropped, echoing on the stone. 

Her hand covered her mouth, trying to muffle the remnants of the scream, before remembering the shield she’d put up for this reason. 

She had to know they were alright, that they were alive. Logically, she knew it was just a nightmare, but  couldn’t stay in this room any longer. She fled from the room like it was on fire, bare feet stumbling against the carpet, arms shoving the door open in front of her. 

Two familiar scents and heartbeats in Azriel’s room. Relief flooded through her. It would be too much to barge into there, but at least she knew they were alive now. She retreated down the hall, instead bracing her arms on a window sill, taking in the full moon casting light over Velaris. 

Her teeth dug into her bottom lip as she heard the door open, two pairs of almost silent footsteps approaching behind her. In the reflection, their eyes met. Both of them looked vaguely concerned. 

“Just … needed to check you’re alright,” she offered an explanation. Not that she needed to, but it’s better than letting their imaginations run wild. 

“Nightmare?” Cassian’s voice was soft and gentle. She hated his tone, hated that it comforted her. Words didn’t want to work, so she nodded. 

Azriel didn’t speak, but held a hand out to her. Slowly, she turned back around, pinching her arm to make sure this was real. His eyes tracked her movement, flashing slightly in recognition but his body remained still and she placed her hand in his, his warm and calloused hand closing over hers. 

Heart pounding and threatening to burst out of her chest, her rapid breaths warmed the air before her as they crossed the threshold. He pulled her towards his bed, pulling the covers back and gently pushing between her shoulder blades. Cassian climbed in on the other side. Said male wrapped an arm around her waist, tugging her into his chest. Azriel’s body fell into place behind hers, as if this was the most natural position for the three of them. She felt a tug, a thread like current weaving between the three of them, and shoved deep, deep down. Like fate was trying to weave the three of them together, to mend and straighten something warped and misaligned by time and stupid decisions. An ache spreading through her chest, mind working overtime to try and figure out what the hell that meant. 

“Relax, princess,” Cassian cut off her spiral, his large hand cupping the back of her head, guiding her to rest right where she could hear his heartbeat. Normally, the nickname was teasing - designed to get a reaction out of her, but now it felt gentle, a term of endearment.  

A sense of calm overtook her, and her heart quit trying to explode, slowing to match his. Azriel ran soothing circles with his thumb, right above her hip bone. Her eyes shuttered closed and she fell asleep between the two warm bodies. 

-

It had been a split second decision, and as Azriel watched them sleep, he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. Sleep was almost foreign to him, but watching them sleep peacefully, feeling her soft body pressed against his, was almost enough. Maybe he should feel jealous of how she melted into Cassian with a few words, her taut and tense body unwinding, but content filled that space instead. 

They heard her stumbling down the hall. She hadn’t left the room for nightmares since … before. The footsteps paused for a moment before his door, before retreating. That’s when he knew it had been about them, whatever had happened in her sleep. They didn’t need to communicate with each other before leaving the room to track her down. 

His only intention was to check on her, just to see she’s alright. Still, even as her hand reached out for him he meant to bring her back to her room, to close the door and leave, but as soon as her skin met his, he headed in the opposite direction. 

Cassian hadn’t questioned him, hadn’t acted as if anything was out of the ordinary. The threads winding them together practically took on a life of its own as it sang with joy at having her this close, at having her safe between them. Where she belongs. He cleared the thought from his mind. Only if she wants to be there. Did she feel it too?

He wasn’t naive enough to think the nightmares would disappear because of their presence, and sure enough her body stiffened. Cass noticed and his sleepy eyes blinked open, meeting him with concern, almost asking; do we wake her? 

I don’t know, he replied honestly. 

Small whimpers left her. Not the sweet kind of her reacting to their touch, whimpers of pain. Cassian’s hand reached out, running his thumb back and forth over her cheek. Like he was some kind of instant drug, her body relaxed again. 

Do we wake her? He looked at him again. Azriel shook his head, and laid down on the pillow, this time tugging an arm around her waist and bringing her closer to him. 

Cassian’s mouth curved at the corner in amusement, but he ignored him and placed a kiss to her hair, taking pleasure in how she snuggled further into the pillows, one hand covering his own - holding it there. 

-

She woke to warm sheets that weren’t her own, her back pressed against a warm body, another caging her front in. Opening her eyes might end this dream, might ruin whatever moment this is. Her nails dug into her palm, a small hint of pain running through. Real, this was real. She wiggled, trying to dislodge the arm slung tightly over her stomach. 

“Stop,” Azriel’s said, his voice hoarse and sleepy. If that’s how he sounds in the morning, maybe she should try to sneak in here more often. But, she didn’t listen, and shifted her hips again. Something hard brushed against her backside. Fuck. The arm tightened around her, one leg crossing to pin hers in place. 

“I said, stop.” 

This time, she listened. Warm breath brushed against her neck, a sigh of relief. 

Warm rays of sun peeked through the curtains, casting a glow on the bed. They rarely slept past sunrise. Actually, they never did, as far as she knew. 

“I’m surprised you’re still here,” she murmured quietly, not wanting to wake Cassian. 

“I didn’t want to leave.” 

“Don’t you have work to do?” Her pulse fluttered. 

“Are you trying to kick me out of my own room?” 

She shook her head rapidly, and he let out a low chuckle, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “How long have you been awake?” 

“Long enough to hear you snore.”

“I do not.” 

“You do,” Cassian’s sleepy voice said this time. 

“Rude.” 

Azriel’s leg released hers, his arm loosening enough to give her some room to make space between them. Reluctantly, she did so. Her eyes trailed to the clock. One hour until she needed to be at the library. 

Limbs heavy, she sat up, pushing the sheets down to climb out of the bed. Cassian’s hand reached towards hers, before stopping, falling back to his side. 

“Thank you,” she said, voice just above a whisper, and climbed off, pausing at the doorway, messy hair flipping over her shoulder. They looked at her, some expression she couldn’t read, and left. Neither followed her or said a word, she wished they would. Maybe she’s relying too much on them to make any kind of move. Still, it’s normal for friends to cuddle … right? 

Ever since she’d fallen … ill, they’d changed. They acted almost like they had before, with an extra tension, and it was giving her whiplash. Nothing had been cleared, despite the ‘olive branch’ they’d offered, there wasn’t any discussion of the past. Instead, it seemed like they were avoiding the topic at all costs, despite her hinting towards it. Their temporary peace couldn’t last forever, nothing good did. 

Since that night she ran into the hall, she hadn’t sought them out again. Mainly from fear they would reject her. Turn their backs on her. She wondered if they wished she would. Maybe she could test that theory, if she finally grew the courage to do so. 

As always, they found a way to piss her off. Acting  like they had a right to her, going as far as to scowl at any males that tried to approach her on their nights out. Any time she went out with her sister, they found reasons to be there, and she got into with Cassian one morning. 

“We’re not together, quit acting like it.” 

Hurt flashed through his eyes, gone as quick as it came. “Fine,” he’d replied, and left like a fire was lit under his ass. 

She found herself regretting the words, but she felt an inexplicable need to build a wall between them. That she was getting too close to them. Making it too easy for them to rip her heart out again. She tugged down the top of her shirt, fingers grazing over the tattoo on her collarbone. They hadn’t released her from the bargain, although they easily could’ve. Was it from care? Or for something to hold over her head? 

-

She watched in slow motion as a female pressed up on her toes, and planted a kiss right on Cassian’s mouth, her hands balancing on his shoulders. 

“Push her away,” she pleaded to the universe. Instead, his eyes stayed open, finding hers as he wrapped an arm around her waist, tugging her closer to him. She’d brought it upon herself, she supposed. “We’re not together, quit acting like it.” 

If he wanted to play that game, she could too, and a fire lit under her. 

His eyes flashed; your move, he seemed to say. 

Watch me. She answered.

“Can you help me out with something?” She whispered to a female friend of hers.

Her eyes lit up, “I’m all ears.”

-

As soon as y/n had turned away, he gently turned down the female who’d kissed him, and felt a bit guilty as she scoffed and stormed away. Not guilty enough to do anything about it. His entire body had recoiled against it, screaming to him that it’s wrong. 

But, she’s the one who clearly stated they’re not together. 

He grabbed his drink, tilting his head back to let the liquid burn down his throat. 

“It’s good to see her getting out there,” Rhys commented wryly. Cassian snapped his head to him. 

“What?” 

“Y/n,” he said too innocently.

He turned slowly and watched as she danced with a female friend of hers, hips slowly grinding against each other, arms twining around each other's necks. Then, their lips met. He didn’t think she’d actually take his subtle challenge. 

Rhys clapped a hand on his shoulder. Cassian couldn’t force himself to move, if she wanted her fun - she could have it. He could play this game, even as it tore into him. 

Apparently, Azriel couldn’t. The shadowsinger intercepted the two of them,  tugging her away from the other female's embrace. Right, he hadn’t found the time to inform him of their … discussion, this morning.

A smirk crossed her friend's face. She’d done this on purpose, he already suspected, but now he had his confirmation.  

Small fists beat against Azriel’s back as he stormed out, y/n thrown over his shoulder, her friend laughing in the background. 

“Why are you waiting?” 

He scowled at Rhys’s voice in his mind, but slid a gold mark on the counter, more than covering his tab, before following them out the door. Cassian had a strong feeling Rhys knew of the bond, even if he kept his mouth shut. 

Azriel had paused in front of the building, waiting for him. As he approached, y/n was still spewing curses at him, her face slowly turning red. One of Azriel’s arms was wrapped securely around her thighs, holding her in place. There’s no way for her to escape his hold, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t trying. There’s a small shield around his wings, keeping her from using that to her advantage. 

Azriel shot him a look, and he picked up his pace. 

“Quit it,” he muttered to the female, his hand lightly slapped her ass. The surprise was enough to still her for a moment, letting Azriel snatch his arm and winnow the three of them to the townhouse. 

-

Azriel finally let her down, and she glanced around them, noticing he’d taken them directly to his room.

“What the fuck was that?” 

“I could ask you the same thing,” he countered too mildly. 

Oh, he was pissed. She shot a look at Cassian, she’d expected he would relay their conversation, but maybe she shouldn’t have counted on him for that. Azriel followed her gaze. 

“And you, apparently,” the next statement was directed at Cassian. The other male looked completely unapologetic, crossing his arms and shrugging his shoulders.  

“She made it crystal clear we’re not together.�� 

“Really?” Azriel tilted his head, fixing that searing gaze back on her as he closed the gap between them.

Against her will, her heart raced as he gripped her chin between his thumb and forefinger. 

“We’ve never been together,” she managed to say. “You don’t have a claim to me.” 

His mouth indented at the corner, but it wasn’t a smirk of amusement - more like barely concealed irritation and anger. “That’s where you’re wrong.” 

“Excuse me?” She tried to wrangle her chin from his grasp, but he only tightened his grip. Instead, she looked to Cassian. A slight shake of his head, and she redirected her attention to Az.

“I won’t repeat myself.” 

“Then explain.” 

“If you can’t figure it out yourself, I can’t help you.” His hand dropped, and she missed the touch on her skin. 

-

“How do you expect me to understand if you don’t tell me?” Y/n exploded, fists clenching at her side. He knew he shouldn’t have dragged her out of there, but he couldn’t stand to watch her there, in another's arms. Holding her how he should be. 

Still, Azriel had waited so patiently for her to figure it out herself, he could wait a little longer. Apparently Cassian couldn’t. 

“You’re our mate.” 

The temperature in the room plummeted. Not literally, but shivers ran down her spine, goosebumps covering her arms. Her eyes darted rapidly between the two of them, forming some kind of conclusion. 

He counted each second. Forty-seven, before she spoke. Less than a minute. 

“Do you expect me to forget everything? To fall to my knees for you now?” She spit

He pressed his lips into a tight line, and prayed Cassian wouldn’t rise to the bait. He needs to stop praying and hoping where that male is concerned. 

“I’d never turn down a chance to see you on your knees, princess.” 

Azriel groaned. 

“You’ll never see it.” 

“Want to bet-” he caught the look Azriel pinned him with, and shut his mouth mid sentence. Y/n looked too pleased at the turn of events, but he couldn’t take that away from her now - not without making a bigger mess to clean up. She stormed from the room, letting the door slam shut behind her. 

Fuck patience, fuck letting fate run it’s course, the truth is in the air now. He’s sick of waiting. 

Azriel flung the door open, taking off after her, Cassian on his heels. 

She tried to slam the door to her room on them, and he wedged his foot in between, forcing it wide open.  

“Leave me alone,” she snarled. 

“So you can block us out?” Cassian countered, shouldering past him to cross the threshold. 

“You deserve it,” his heart thumped in his chest as she switched her gaze to him. “You both do.” 

“What the hell did we do?” Cassian took another step towards her, forcing her to back up. 

-

“I thought you were smarter than that,” she flung his words back in his face. She saw the hurt cross his face, looking vaguely like a kicked puppy. A small sliver of guilt filled her, but a vindictive anger overtook that - good, she wanted him to feel how they made her feel. Even if it was cruel, karma deserved to be thrown back in their faces. The bond may have snapped in her at that moment, but it took less than a minute for her to come to a conclusion. Like hell she’d lay down and make it easy for them, or for herself. It means nothing if she doesn’t accept it. That was a lie, she knew it, but if she repeated it enough to herself maybe she’d believe it. 

They shattered her before, and she had to build herself back together. The temporary peace they’d hovered in was never going to last. 

taglist: @infinitely-kate @foreverrandomwritings @anuttellaa @morelovemorepeacemoretattoo-blog @justasillylittlegoofyguy @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @bookishdeer @sidthedollface2 @mis-lil-red @acourtofbatboydreams @blessthepizzaman @hallucynatiing @summerloversposts @rowaelinsempire

[jenosbliss]

Hi, can I req for jaemin enemies to lovers with 4, 16 & 23?

pairing. fem!reader x enemy!jaemin | genre. fluff | wc. 2k | warnings. none

a/n. i’ve idea for a part 2 , will probably post it after sometime

‘Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.’ I once read in a book which I regretted reading afterwards but again in another book I read ‘Hating someone feels disturbingly similar to being in love with them.’ The book which goes by the name The Hating Game.

I would have loved that book if it wasn’t an enemies to lovers trope, the only form of romance I dislike the most. Enemies-to-lovers is something which could not exist in real life, you can never fall in love with your enemy, someone you hate from the bottom of your heart. At least I can’t with Na Jaemin .

Not that I want to fall in love with him —it’s even scarier than my worst nightmare— but even thinking about loving or liking that jerk makes me want to throw up.

Yes, you can also say that it’s all just in my head how my friends remind me everyday and who so happily enjoy watching our bickering, our death glares at each other, our hatred for each other. They are living in the daily soap they spend hours watching because only both of us can see the anger and hatred dripping from our eyes.

Even friendship can’t exist between us, jokes on me to even think of friendship when we can’t stand each other if we are in the same room, as snarky comments and death glares fly across the room. No one can stand us together to be honest.

Why do I hate him? I don’t know when my hatred for him even started, maybe it was hate at first sight. Such a self-absorbed, cocksure, smug, stubborn jerk he is. The way he walks, the way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he looks —he’s handsome almost like a Greek God, but I’m not going to accept it— just his whole existence pisses me off. Also not like he ever gave me a reason to change the way I felt for him cause he reciprocates my feelings, if not more.

“I’m not sharing the room with him.” Trying my best to tone my voice down I yelled at my friend who was allotting the rooms. “Y/n try to understand please, we don’t have any more rooms left.” She pleaded, pulling me inside her room.

When my friends asked me if I wanted to be a part of this two-day holiday to the beach, never had I imagined that when I would enter the room of the hotel we’re staying for the weekend I would find him sprawled –like a starfish– on the bed, the bed I was supposed to spend the night peacefully on!

“But you know I can’t stand him even for a second! No, change his room.” huffing, I crossed my arms around my chest. “But all the other rooms are occupied y/n, you came late so…” she trailed off, fueling my anger even more. “I didn’t turn up late on purpose! I had informed you beforehand that I’ll be late!” Looking behind her I saw a figure coming out of the bathroom.

“Maybe your boyfriend, who happens to be his friend” rolling my eyes I continued “can switch the room with me?” That’s the most I can give in, I’m ready to switch the rooms which should’ve been him instead. “C’mon Y/N! I understand the tension between you two is as high as Mount Everest…” gasping dramatically I passed her an offensive look, there was no tension between us, it was just hate.

Ignoring me she continued “… but everyone has needs and I have a life too, I want to spend some time with my boyfriend. So will you please let us? It’s just a matter of tonight. We’ll sort something out tomorrow. It's already past 2, go sleep.” Even before she finished her short monologue I was pushed out of the room with a large wooden door slammed shut in my face.

Was she for real? If she planned this whole trip just to fuck her boyfriend she didn’t have to ask me! Why make my already not so good life even worse? Stomping my way aggressively to the room I grabbed my head in frustration.

“It’s just for a night, you can do it y/n. Calm down. Relax.” Taking a deep breath I tried to prepare myself, “Or you always have a second option if things go out of your hands, killing” A little voice inside my head said. It’s not like this voice has appeared for the first time. Last week when he “accidentally” spilled his iced tea on me, I was about to throw the chair I was sitting on his face. This voice appeared that time too. “I don’t wanna go to jail because of such a useless human.” I thought.

“You know it’s better to sleep than making plans to kill me and I’m not useless.” The door opened to reveal him with an utterly idiotic smirk. Can he read minds too? Okay I’m in trouble then, no I didn’t think anything for which you should smirk too but all my plans of tricking him will be known.

“Are you a stalker or what?” Pushing him away I entered the room, which was supposed to be mine. “No darling, your footsteps can be heard around ten miles from here. I just happen to have great hearing skills.” He whispered the last part.

I could have replied, I could have continued this which would soon turn into bickering but I was too tired for that, I just wanted to sleep peacefully, ironically peace and Na Jaemin don’t come together. So let me change my statement, I just wanted to sleep at any cost.

“Here, take the pillow, sleep on the couch.” Throwing the fluffy white material filled with soft feathers at him, I started unpacking my bag to take out my night clothes. “And why should I listen to you?” He plopped down on the bed, stretching out. “Jaemin, right now I’m not in the mood to argue.” Raising my hand, I shook my head.

“Neither am I, but I’m as stubborn as you. Which means I am not sleeping on the couch.” Closing my bag I faced him, as stubborn as me? It’s not a good start, it can never be with him. “Why are you like this?” Scowling, I moved to the bathroom. “Why are you like this?” He mimicked. God, save this guy from me.

Coming back to the room after changing my clothes I saw him still lying on the bed, scrolling through his phone. Rolling my eyes out of annoyance I walked up to my side of the bed and started putting the spare pillows and cushions between us. “Is this really necessary?” Sparing a glance at what I was doing he asked.

“Very much necessary, I don’t want to wake up with your limbs around me in the morning.” Even the thought of it disgusted me. “But this is eating up too much space.” He complained. “Better than you eating me-” Realising how wrong that must have sounded I looked at him, who had that mischievous smirk which made me furious. “That one sounds better.” He lied back down.

“Shut that mouth of yours and sleep.” Switching off the lights I faced the other direction. “It's hot when you talk back, princess.” He teased, I hate these nicknames so much!

I shouldn’t have come on this trip, everything about it was wrong. First, sharing the room with Jaemin , almost fighting with my friend and the worst of all coming even though I twisted my ankle –the sole reason I was late– to the hotel. My left ankle felt as if someone was slowly cutting it off with a sharp axe, it’s so painful!

Groaning, I shifted to the other side, trying to get in a comfortable position to fall asleep, forgetting about the man next to me. “Are you uncomfortable?” A husky voice made my eyes shoot open to find the sleepy ones of Jaemin already on me. “What do you expect when you’re lying next to me?” Scoffing, he shifted closer much to my dismay.

“Look I know your ankle hurts cause Junhee told me you’re at the hospital getting your ankle treated so don’t try to pull up an act.” Taken aback by his interest in me –I know she’ll never tell him about my whereabouts until he asks– I questioned further. “Why did you ask her about me?” How dumb of me to raise an eyebrow as if he would see it.

For the first time in the three years I have known him he stuttered when talking to me, was he that taken aback by my question? Omg y/n don’t forget to write it in your diary. “H-huh? I- I…” he cleared his throat “I thought I was using this room alone when Junhee came and asked if you could stay in this room too as you were late and there weren’t any spare rooms left… so I asked why you were late…” this sounds convincing, not very much but it does.

“Oooh. By the way, what about your girlfriend? Shouldn’t you be on this trip with her and the one you should be sharing the room with?” I smirked. My eyes were begging me to sleep but my brain forced me to put up this question. “We broke up a year ago.” He deadpanned as I facepalmed myself mentally. What a stupid question!

“So you haven’t dated for a year?” I gasped genuinely shocked. “Yes.” Wait really, the OH SO GODLY Jaemin hasn’t dated anyone FOR A YEAR!! “Not even a fling?” I was about to get up but the stinging pain in my ankle pulled me back. “You own my heart” he said, was it my heart skipping a beat? No y/n don’t be fooled by him! “C’mon tell me.” Slapping lightly on his arm I whined.“No. Not even a fling.” He repeated. “Woah, wow! I mean it’s surprising.” It was surprising, at least to me. “Is it? Because I thought you knew the girl very well I’m interested in so I don’t think it should surprise you.” He whispered. Wait what?

Leaning his head on his elbow he stared in my eyes, even though it was dark –nothing could be seen as there was very little light coming from the curtained window– but his eyes shone in this darkness, as if they were the only source of light in this dark room, as if they are the most beautiful pair of eyes to ever exist, as if I could stare at them forever, as if I could drown in th-

‘What the hell are you thinking y/n!? You hate him, you can’t like him! He’s your enemy’ the same voice from before alarmed me, it was right, he’s my enemy…

“Did you take painkillers?” He questioned, eyes not leaving mine. “Yes, after dinner I did.” Neither did I break the gaze. “Then we can try this.” With this said he stood up, took two pillows –which were used to limit our respective bed spaces ‘by me’– and placed one of the pillows under my leg which had been aching and the other beside it as if securing my ankle.

“I hope it’s better than before.” His eyes creased, hinting the smile on his lips. “It is, thank you.” mumbling, I closed my eyes shut not wanting to let my thoughts move freely. ``Sleep y/n, you just need to sleep.’

“Sleep well y/n and don’t worry I won’t throw my limbs on top of you.” the mattress next to me dipped inwards, he had lied down, probably facing the other side I hope. Opening my eyes I looked at his face, so close to me… I really hate this guy.

I hate him because firstly he didn’t face the other side, secondly he made me feel all these weird things for him and thirdly, he didn’t keep his promise. After he had fallen asleep and probably I was too I felt his arms curling around my torso as he shifted closer to me.

I even heard him mumbling something along the lines of "It's time to stop lying to ourselves." Maybe I was dreaming, maybe not but I couldn’t care less right now because he felt warm, and I liked that warmth. Maybe he isn’t that bad, maybe I shouldn’t hate him this much.

navigwation.

nct dream | nct 127 | wayv

100 follower event 🌷

[svnaaaaaa]

Dreaming of you - Sano Manjiro 'Mikey' (AU)

pairing : mikey x fem reader

summary : based on my first story's 'dreaming of you'.

warning(s) : based on manga, spoilers from chapter 263, 264, 265, 266, 268, 275, 276, 277, 278 (i hope you guys finished reading the manga already), no related to the first and second part so can read on its own, angst, fighting scene

previous : part two

masterlist

author's note : i was watching 'the good bad mother' and idk what to say about it. i would to say thank you for enjoying this mini series of mine. actually i have no intention of continuing but seeing how many of you guys enjoyed the first part so i decided to make it parallel with the manga where i started with the first ever time leap by shinichiro then the death of shinichiro, time skip to kanto manji arc and now the ending. i also happened to watched the last episode of tokyo revengers so now i am bored so i decided to read the manga again and again until season three came out lol. so here's the last part of my 'my first story dedication' series because i love the band so much that i would hope that maybe one day my first story would make an ost for tokyo revengers eheh.

-

2003

i hate weak people. i love tough guys.

kenchin, baji, mitsuya, pahchin and kazutora. including me, the six strongest friends come together and formed tokyo manji gang. despite me suggesting tokyo manjiro gang, but the guys rejected the idea within seconds.

i like strong guys.

but that day...

2005

"watch over me, shin-nii."

i never anyone about this but i miss hoshiko. also because i feel bad for what i did to her. i loved her but i didn't know how to tell her. but it was too late. she already with shin-nii, watching over me.

and then i met these two people who'd change my fate.

kisaki tetta, with just strength isn't enough. what i need is darkness. the more i push it down, the more darkness overflows. i'll just give to my body and kill kazutora.

as i was about to swing my final punch, takemitchy stood in front of me. "takemitchy?" i muttered as takemitchy just smiled. "mikey-kun."

hanagaki takemichi, he wasn't the strongest one ever. but he stood up to me. even though he couldn't beat me, and easy to cry, before i could realized it and he's always there right in the middle.

takemitchy, why?

2007

"why are you getting up?" mikey asked, watching takemichi wobbling while getting up after mikey beaten him up. "do you think you can beat me? after i beaten you up into a pulp?" mikey asked as he just watching takemichi. spitting out blood, takemichi stabilized himself. "i made a promise to your future self." taking a step as the pain of his foot starting to take a toll on him. "to baji-kun." panting as he approaching to where mikey stood at. "and i promised draken-kun, that i cannot lose because," takemichi lunged himself to mikey, readying his punch. "the only one who can save you from the darkness is me!" shouting, takemichi launched himself before getting side-kicked by mikey, causing him to bounced back on his back.

"have you forgetten about hoshiko-san?" takemichi asked, making mikey halted his action of walking towards takemichi.

'mikey-kun!'

'here mikey-kun, your favourite one is the red bean paste right?'

as takemichi launches his way back to mikey once again, rage filled mikey's body. "don't you ever say her name!" mikey shouted and then he kicked takemichi right on his chest, causing takemichi to swayed back like before. "that's right, she would want me to save you too. like emma-chan." takemichi said again and with that, he was brutally kicked by mikey repeatedly where the other members of the two gangs couldn't even dare to interfere just like tenjiku-toman before.

looking back at takemichi, mikey stared at him like he was nothing, like worthless being. "you're seriously gonna die soon." mikey warned, wanting takemichi to stop. takemichi staggered on standing up, looking at mikey.

"come at me, mikey."

mikey feel the anger once again and jumped his way to kick takemichi. "why did you come back takemitchy? you've seen the video i left and i've promised to protect toman and hina-chan, didn't i?" mikey said. "i told you to forget about me!" mikey swung his fist and punches takemichi's face. "now everything i've done is useless."

takemichi stood up back to fight back and swung his fists towards mikey's way. "i came back because i knew what was wrapped yourself in. and i came back to save you." takemichi told him. "i've never known what a dark impulse is, from what waka said, the dark impulse was born out of love." mikey said, making takemichi confused even more. "that man turned back time to save me." mikey told takemichi, as takemichi just stared at him. with blank eyes, mikey stared back at takemichi.

"sano shinichiro is a time leaper."

-

"he gave the time leap power to some random kid." wakasa told them as he told back the story of what sano shinichiro told him before he died.

"after he gave you his power, days later he died." mikey continued while looking at takemichi. "this dark impulse's real identity was the curse from shinichiro killed the time leaper." mikey said as he placed his hand on his chest. "it affects those around me and, it's eating me alive." mikey said, looking at his chest where he could feel his heart beat racing.

takemichi slowly approching mikey. "you don't have to hold it in anymore." takemichi informed mikey, making mikey looking up at him. "i formed the second generation of toman to save you so release that dark impulse, mikey." takemichi said. mikey dropped his hand from his chest as he could feel something evil lurking out of him.

"whatever happens, it's on you."

with that, mikey didn't realize what happened next.

-

the fight goes on with mikey grabbing a katana from haruchiyo. and mikey wasn't even himself as smirk follows. the persona inside mikey wasn't even mikey at all. mikey swung the katana and cut a slit upon takemichi's right arm.

"don't you get it hanagaki? you can't break the curse!" haruchiyo shouted as mikey smirked. "they have been merged together that and everyone who are close to him ended up die!" haruchiyo continued.

"and everyone who tries to save him from thr darkness will ended up dying, you're gonna die hanagaki!"

with that, takemichi have been stabbed by mikey.

stoned, mikey has been pulled into a hug by takemichi with the katana buried in his body. "i'm not gonna lose, manjiro because i will shoulder this dark impulse." takemichi said to mikey's ear. "if you're gonna act stupid, i will take you down because you're my friend for life." takemichi continued and after that, blood coming out of his mouth which apparently he was stabbed by the chest.

"friend?" mikey mumbled to himself. within that, the darkness in him went gone and mikey realized the situation he's in. "takemitchy..." mikey looked at the person in his arms. "take my hand, you're the trigger mikey-kun." takemichi informed as he was shakingly grabbing mikey's hand. "what are you saying takemitchy?" mikey said slowly.

staggered, takemichi fall onto his knees. "oi, takemitchy!" mikey shouted, as everyone around were all stunned. "i..." takemichi said slowly, coughing out blood even more. "will go back to past, over and over..." takemichi continued saying throughout the blood. "that's enough takemitchy!" mikey warned. "so that i can smile with you, and everyone that we love and close to heart." takemichi said.

the light was dimmed. mikey felt no movement coming from takemichi as he lightly shaking takemichi's body. not moving or reacting, takemichi fell onto mikey's chest. "AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" falling onto his knees, takemichi fell onto his laps and mikey repeatedly shaking takemichi in order to wake him up. sobbing, mikey grabbed takemichi's hands. "i distanced myself so that none of this would happen! open your eyes, takemitchy!" mikey shouted as tears falling out of his eyes, not wanting to accept what it is happening right in front of him.

-

1998

hearing a banter, hoshiko shocked by the noise which soon followed by a punching sound. emma got up and left hoshiko in the living room to see the ruckus. hoshiko stood up as well and followed emma. "oi keisuke!" emma shouted as she placed her fists on her waist. "don't fight in front of other people's house!" emma pointed out and takemichi looked at emma. "emma-chan.." then he looked at the girl next to emma. "hoshiko-san.." hoshiko weirded out as she looked at takemichi. "do we know each other?" hoshiko questioned. "oi what is this ruckus all about?" a voice said walking towards where everyone is at. "oi keisuke, what's going on right in the morning huh?" it was shinichiro. "you're being too loud." shinichiro mumbled. "wait, who are you?" shinichiro asked takemichi, causing the kids there were looking at him as well.

takemichi felt awkward as he realized that he has time-leaped into time where everyone hasn't met him yet. "huh, who are you?" it was mikey. can't believe his eyes, takemichi's eyes got teared up. "mikey-kun.."

"you're, takemitchy? realized mikey, as he remembers those eyes. takemichi stared at mikey and he shocked by the nickname. 'how could he-'

"is it really you takemitchy?" mikey asked. "huh.." was all takemichi uttered out. "no way.."

"WE TIME-LEAPED TOGETHER!" and with that, the two of them went off running. "what's wrong with them?" shinichiro asked. "beats me." keisuke replied.

"mikey! don't forget to come back for dinner!" hoshiko reminded as she waved her arm.

2017

"will do!" mikey replied as takemichi stood in front of the sano residence, on his bike. mikey ride on the back as takemichi turned on his bike given by mikey as present during their youth. hoshiko stood in front of the sano residence gate, watching mikey and takemichi. "be safe okay, make sure everything is well prepared." hoshiko reminded, making both mikey and takemichi chuckled. "okay got it hoshiko-chan." takemichi replied. hoshiko smiled as she rubbing her pregnant stomach.

in 2005, mikey accepted hoshiko's confession as encouraged by emma one day while preparing chocolates for valentine's day. starting from there, even being the captain of toman, hoshiko accepted mikey for who he is and mikey for who she is. hoshiko became of the woman of toman and was well-protected by the members of toman as a sign of loyalty to the captain.

in 2008, shinichiro married to someone he met at his shop. he knew that was a love at first sight and the girl was also a motorbike enthusiast, same as him. also mikey and hoshiko graduated from high school. with support from her parents, hoshiko pursued her studies in collage in journalism so now hoshiko is a chief editor in one of biggest magazine company in tokyo.

married to mikey in 2015, both of them are now a proud parents-to-be. the baby will be due during autumn time. both of them are the current residence of sano residence with sano mansaku since both shinichiro and emma moved out right after getting married. nevertheless, both lived near so whenever there are family events, they won't missed it. shinichiro continued working in ss motors alongside with his wife as co-owner and emma as a housewife to draken, who works with mikey as his mechanic for top of manji, mikey's motorsport team as he is the racer for the team. as for izana, he continued living in yokohama as director of tenjiku, which he occasionally travelling but still based in yokohama.

life is nice when you are surrounded with good people.

july 11, 2017

the day has comes by and it is now takemichi and hinata's wedding day. the venue itself was extravagant. fillied with toman's former members, which all of them are really living the life.

hoshiko took a seat which has been assigned her name which with the rest of the sano family. mikey went to the groom's dressing room to congratulate takemichi himself. hoshiko already met with hinata with emma but left first since the pregnancy itself has been exhausting for hoshiko. "oh shiko-chan!" shinichiro's wife greeted as she took a seat next to hoshiko's left. "nee-san." hoshiko greeted back, bowing her head lightly. "where's mikey?" shinichiro asked as he took a seat next to his wife's left. "he's with the groom." hoshiko told him as he nodded his head. "ah."

"hello family." izana greeted as he took a seat next to shinichiro, shaking his hand. "how's business 'zana?" shinichiro asked and shinichiro's wife rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "men and business, am i right shiko-chan?" shinichiro's wife asked, making hoshiko chuckled. "yerp." hoshiko replied.

then mikey pop-ed out of nowhere and took a seat next to his wife's right, followed by emma and draken. everyone else also took their assignated seats and then the ceremony begins.

"groom takemichi, do you take hinata as your lawful wedded wife to cherish and promise to be faithful to her for as long as you both shall live?" the minister asked and as he finished asking, he looked at takemichi which makes mikey looked at his wife. realized that mikey turned his head, hoshiko looked at mikey, smiling lightly. "what is it?" hoshiko asked whispering. "i love you." mikey whispered back, making hoshiko blushed with the sudden confession.

the vow exchanged to hinata and mikey continued on looking at his wife. "you know you suppose to say it back right?" mikey whispered and hoshiko giggled as she detected an upset mikey. placing her hand on his left cheek, mikey leaned into it. "i love you too mikey, for as long as i shall live." hoshiko whispered back, reciting her vow from two years ago. smiling, mikey grabbed his wife's placed hand and kissed her palm. intertwined their hands together, mikey placed it on his left thigh, continued to watch the ceremony as both takemichi and hinata now exchange wedding rings.

"you may now kiss the bride." the minister announced and without a blink, both groom and bride kissed to seal the vow and everyone starting to cheer and clapping hands.

-

No matter what words I look for

"I love you" isn't enough

You’re the only, you’re the only, you’re the only one

I love you from the bottom of my heart

-

2005

one afternoon on monday where during recess time, hoshiko and mikey met at the rooftop of their school as promised between the two. "here, mikey-kun." hoshiko said as she held out a box towards his way, bowing her head 90 degrees. mikey looked at the box and then looked up at hoshiko. "what's this?" mikey asked but hoshiko keep on bowing. "please accept it." was all hoshiko said and then mikey opened it to reveal a box of things like chocolates, other sweets and a letter.

mikey took out the letter and read it instantly.

'dear mikey-kun, happy valentine's day. i hope you like the present that i gave to you. i just want to say this right but i am too nervous to say it in person so here's why the letter exists. i like you mikey-kun and i hope you would return the same feelings as well. hoshiko xx'

mikey looked at hoshiko as she was fidgetting with her fingers while looking at her shoes. smiling, mikey took hoshiko's hands into his. hoshiko looked up at him. seeing how mikey smiled at her, hoshiko's face becoming more redder than ever.

"hoshiko, i like you too."

the end ♡ thank you for enjoying this special series of mine!

[cyeli-no]

4ggravate Pre-Proposal (Pt. 1)

—where it's just three Dendro fools simping over Cyno and wanting to have a perfect proposal for him

Linked Posts:

Part 2: 4ggravate Pre-Marriage: Doubts post

─── ⋅ ⋅ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅ ───

Dehya and Candace are some of the first to hear about the decision because Al-Haitham, who became close to the duo throughout his time in the desert and with Cyno, wants to respect his culture in the proposal. It seems disrespectful to forego his background and his family when asking for Cyno's life and dedication.

Dehya is unrelenting with her teasing, offering help disguised as friendly banter. He nearly regrets telling her when it turns out Candace is the one to offer the most help. She gives him a few traditions common throughout the desert, but the Temple of Silence does not share the same customs as she does.

She tells him how Cyno once mentioned how suitors will gift jewelry made of gold and gems during the engagement. The proposee's family usually receives a dowry of some type, too. Between giving the dowry and presenting the gifts, a marriage contract is written. Typically, it is between the father and the suitor, but the individual is often included.

"It is not for permission, necessarily." She clarifies when she watches the frown begin to form on his expression, eyebrows tightening. The memory of Cyno's reaction when he realized how deeply the former sages mistreated and used him rests heavy in their minds. At least she can verify how much Al-Haitham truly cares. "In the end, it is up to the individual to accept the proposal and make adjustments to the contract. Simply, it is acknowledging the important of our families."

Al-Haitham does pause for a moment in deep contemplation. "Yes, that makes sense." He ends up deciding on, though Candace offers him a small smile.

She shakes her head, "You may not understand them completely, but I'm glad you care to know about our traditions." He takes it as the sign of approval that it actually is.

He leaves with Dehya, who smiles contently throughout the entire walk back. She tells him a bit about their traditional wedding rings and wedding celebration customs before admitting, "Knowing Tighnari, I suspected it wouldn't be a desert wedding. At least now, it'll be like bringing the desert to him."

Al-Haitham rejects that notion instantly. "We cannot bring the desert to him. I know nothing of the desert and all I have come to learn was brought by Cyno himself. It would be a mockery to do anything besides welcome what he brings." Dehya's eyes blink shut as they pause in their journey. She can feel the familiar heat against her skin and the smell of the desert winds.

"You've thought about this a lot, hm?" She teases lightly, his completely honest affirmation making her grin, "Good." She says something in a dialect Al-Haitham does not quite understand. He can understand a few vague phrases, but she explains it to him without being asked once she finishes, "It is an old prayer. May your future together be filled with happiness and love that even when you reach the afterlife, you will traverse those unknown lands together."

─── ⋅ ⋅ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅ ───

Tighnari and Kaveh are quick to agree to the idea. Truth be told, they both wanted to do something for Cyno and were debating something similar. Luckily, it truly felt as if everything was perfect for them. Al-Haitham and his endless pockets could definitely afford the dowry (though Cyrus' actual acceptance might be a bit more difficult to get with his outright disdain for his darshan), Kaveh works on designing the jewelry himself, and Tighnari works on creating simple (maybe a bit more detailed than the ones Dehya described) rings for all four of them.

When they go to discuss their plans to propose with Cyrus, Al-Haitham is prepared to give an entire presentation. Tighnari takes over before Kaveh's stressed rants can start and before Al-Haitham says something that might make them lose Cyrus' good graces.

Cyrus frowns when they ask if they are allowed to propose to and to marry Cyno. "Asking me to give him over is quite the archaic request." He muses.

It is Kaveh who answers this. Tighnari and Al-Haitham may be more logical, but Kaveh is intently attuned to his emotions and the emotions of others. He knows Cyno and his desires well, "Cyno respects your opinion and would be hurt if we did not try to include his family." He pauses for just a second to gather his bearings. He doesn't want to bare his entire heart to his soon-to-be father-in-law (hopefully), but he knows the man respects honestly as much as his son. "Cyno always makes sure the memories of our families are a priority. As one of the only living relatives he has, your blessing will mean a lot to him... and to us as well."

Cyrus is not a man of few words. He has spoken at length about jokes, the main reason Cyno tries them to lighten the mood. Still, the air constricts Kaveh as he simply stares at the architect with a frown. Cyno might be scary to some, but his body becomes rigid under the intense staring of the General's father. However, he will not avert his eyes. He knows discomfort well and knows, as his throat tightens and nearly chokes the air out of his lungs, that the comfort and love of Cyno is worth every second.

"You are good kids." Cyrus finally nods at Kaveh and Tighnari. Kaveh's entire body eases at the affirmation, sucking in a sharp breath through his teeth in relief. He nearly misses how the man warily eyes Al-Haitham for a moment before he shakes his head with a low chuckle. "As long as Cyno is happy, my blessing is yours." It's a needless threat, Cyrus knows, but he feels better nonetheless.

("Do they make you happy?" He asked his son when the eventual topic of his partners came up.

In hindsight, it was quite a strange question to ask because the answer was so obvious. "Do I seem unhappy?" The younger man asked, the confusion answered by a fond smile.

Cyrus has always been better at expressing his love compared to his two top students. He ruffled Cyno's hair lightly, "No. I just want to know how they treat you."

Cyno nodded, accepting the explanation completely. "They love me," those three words were enough to ease Cyrus' heart, "more than anyone else can.

"And I love them the same.")

"Another word of warning." Cyrus mentions as they are leaving his house, "Lisa Minci will not allow you to marry him if you do not invite her to the engagement."

─── ⋅ ⋅ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅ ───

They, heeding Cyrus' advice, tell Lisa, Collei, Nahida, and Nilou. At one point, Tighnari gets worried they are telling too many people before even asking Cyno to marry them.

Al-Haitham just says, "They're family," and that's that.

Family, Tighnari echoes, when Collei runs up to hug him in her excitement. Family, he smiles, as Lisa smacks Kaveh lightly for waiting so long to ask the question. Family, he accepts, as Nilou and Nahida offer their help with wedding planning or support if they ever need it.

Family, he wishes for, when Cyno meets them for dinner with a bright smile, "I'm home." He glows despite the days of work coating his skin in dirt.

"Welcome home, love." Tighnari welcomes him closer and showers him with all the adoration he has been holding onto in the pits of his heart in anticipation of tonight. Tonight, to the world, they will become a family in every sense of the word.

Family, Tighnari learns, comes with the heat of the desert without any of the burning discomfort.

He cannot completely understand the clear discomfort and stress showing on the faces of the other two. They all know Cyno; he who is more devoted than anyone else will definitely say yes. And if he doesn't, he is nothing but kind. There is no world where they will be rejected cruelly.

The question hangs in the air, Cyno's eyes wide in surprise as he scans the three as if checking them for honesty. "Really?" It is a crime how soft his voice is. It is uncommon for him to be uncertain and it aches Tighnari's heart.

"We wouldn't ask if we weren't serious." It is a bit sassier than it needs to be, but his voice is firm to scare away his doubts.

It must do the trick because a breathless huff escapes him. Kaveh worriedly steps closer as garnet eyes glisten under the flickering candlelights, "Cyno—?"

"Yes." He answers them, and the gentle laugh that is slightly clogged by the tears welling in his eyes is the loveliest sound. "Yes..."

The second time is enough to rip Al-Haitham out of his stupor to reach out and catch Cyno's face in his hands. He presses a kiss to the top of the General's head, sighing away his stress, "Good."

Kaveh nearly shoves the man aside in his haste to hug Cyno. The latter's laughter fills the air as Kaveh falls onto his lap, "Sevens above, I adore you." He says, planting kisses on his cheeks.

Cyno can't get a word in as Tighnari's tail curls around his arm, dragging his attention to the side. Whispering against his ear and affectionately nuzzling him, "We're yours forever."

Forever... Forever sounds lovely.

[innerpalaces]

The Doting Love Story's Female Supporting Role Has Quit - 4

Chapter 4: The Thing She Feared Most

Nian Chaoxi closed her eyes slightly, as Yan'er stood behind her unbraiding her hair.

She looked at her young miss once, then again, with an expression of wanting to say something but restraining herself.

When she looked up again, she saw that her young miss had opened her eyes and said lazily, "If you have something to say, just say it."

So Yan'er asked boldly, "Miss, did you...quarrel with the young masters again?"

Nian Chaoxi corrected her: "I didn't go there to quarrel, I went there to break off the engagement."

Yan'er was so startled that she almost pulled out a strand of her hair: "Cancel, cancel the engagement? Why do you suddenly have this idea?"

Nian Chaoxi corrected her again: "You shouldn't ask me why I suddenly had this idea, you should ask me why I suddenly came to my senses."

Yan'er: "..." She was almost crying.

Nian Chaoxi could only comfort her: "Don't be afraid. Without this husband, your young miss will definitely find someone better looking and more considerate than Mu Yunzhi to be your young master."

Yan'er wanted to cry even more: "Why?"

Nian Chaoxi thought very seriously about how to answer Yan'er's "why".

After a moment's silence, she said, "Maybe it's because our personalities are incompatible."

She and Mu Yunzhi can share the hardships, but not the happiness.

The period from when her father died in battle to when Mu Yunzhi took the position of City Lord was a time of external and internal troubles, and it was the time when the two of them were closest to each other.

But things will be different after everything is settled.

Mu Yunzhi has a strong desire for control, but Nian Chaoxi is domineering and outspoken by nature, which is precisely the biggest variable.

Those who cannot be controlled by him will only make him wary.

If there is love between two people, this is not an insurmountable obstacle, but is there really such a thing as love between them?

Obviously not.

So, without her noticing, the relationship between the two of them became more and more like strangers.

All his love and hate, which he never showed in front of her, were all given to Wu Yan.

She had never seen it before, so she thought he was naturally like this, but in fact he was only this way in front of her.

In fact, it's not just Mu Yunzhi, Zong Shu is also like this.

She was the one who rescued Zong Shu. If it followed the usual novel plot, she was his savior, who took care of him day and night to help him recover and ease his worries. That would definitely be the beginning of a redemption novel.

But Nian Chaoxi was not like that. She didn't have the patience and didn't know how to take care of people. After bringing him back to Yuejian City, she only saw him twice in total, and she provoked him every time because she couldn't bear to see his listless appearance.

The one who took care of him sweetly was Wu Yan.

So, two months later, Zong Shu recovered from his injuries, and Wu Yan became the most important person to him. Even though she and Zong Shu had experienced life and death several times and called each other a friend for all lifetimes, she was still not as important as Wu Yan in his heart.

So she figured it out.

But if that's the case, there is one thing that must be considered.

——Could her death... be related to Mu Yunzhi and the others?

Nian Chaoxi waved for Yan'er, who had just finished doing her hair, to come over.

Yan'er approached obediently: "Young miss, what's wrong?"

Nian Zhaoxi: "Give me a dream."

Yan'er was used to it: "Miss, you can't sleep again? What kind of sweet dream do you want this time?"

Nian Chaoxi made a shocking statement: "Give me a nightmare!"

Yan'er's hands trembled in shock and she almost dropped the heater in her hands.

She stammered, "Young miss!"

Although her true form was a nightmare beast, how dare she give nightmares to her young miss!

She wanted to cry but had no tears.

Nian Chaoxi got impatient when she didn't get a response after a while: "Just give it to me if I ask you to! You won't even listen to me?"

Yan'er was about to cry: "Yes... yes!"

Her face was full of confusion, and a black mist emerged from her fingertips, covering Nian Chaoxi, and then disappeared.

Nian Chaoxi was suspicious: "Can I have a nightmare like this?"

Yan'er was about to cry: "Yes, that's right."

Nian Chaoxi waved her hand and said, "Go out, I want to sleep."

Yan'er's face was full of worry and she looked back every few steps.

Nian Chaoxi lay down and prepared to sleep.

The nightmare beast can give people thousands of beautiful dreams, but the nightmares it creates will only show people the thing they feared most in their hearts.

Nian Chaoxi felt that since she knew she would die, the thing she feared most in her heart would be her own death.

After all, she had read that novel, but she completely forgot it. Under the influence of the nightmare of the nightmare beast, she might remember it.

In fact, there is a simpler solution. Since she knows that she will die in the novel, she can just leave and find a place where no one can find her and stay in seclusion for decades.

But by then, the first ones to die will probably be the people of Yuejian City.

Because she is in charge of the blood seal of Kunlong Abyss.

Without her to strengthen the seal, by the tenth year, the dark dragon would emerge from Kunlong Abyss and Yuejian City would be destroyed.

So, it was impossible for her to just run away.

She must first find out how she died in the novel.

So she asked for a nightmare and fell asleep.

That evening, Nian Chaoxi did not dream about anything related to the novel.

She dreamed of the night before her father died in battle.

...

Nian Chaoxi suddenly sat up from bed, and the sky was bright.

Her eyes were stung by the sunlight and she squinted slightly.

There was a knock on the door from outside: "Miss, are you awake?"

Nian Chaoxi: "Come in."

Yan'er pushed the door open and walked in carrying a basin of water.

After taking two steps, she suddenly opened her mouth wide, quickly put down the basin and ran to the bedside, asking anxiously, "What's wrong with the young miss?"

Nian Chaoxi was puzzled: "What do you mean?"

Yan'er stretched out her finger and touched her eyelids.

She hissed in pain and slapped her hand away: "You are so clumsy!"

Yan'er still looked worried and asked, "What happened to the young miss' eyes?"

Nian Chaoxi reached out and touched her eyes, and felt a little twinge of pain.

She said calmly, "Maybe I stayed up too late. Go get me some ointment to reduce the swelling."

Yan'er looked as if she wanted to say something but was hesitant.

This doesn't seem like the result of a late night at all.

It was more like the results of crying all night.

But she didn't dare to refute Nian Chaoxi, so she could only go out to get the ointment with a heavy heart.

As soon as Yan'er left, the expression on Nian Chaoxi's face faded.

She was silent for a while, and suddenly pulled out a gold chain from her collar. At the end of the gold chain hung a jade pendant that was completely turquoise blue.

She reached out and touched the jade, injecting a little spiritual power into it, which immediately bounced off.

As usual.

This was something her father left for her the night before he died in battle, a very sturdy container.

Before he could tell her the secret to opening the container, he was caught off guard and died on the battlefield.

And what is contained in this jade pendant is the Manual of the God of War that stirred up the world in the novel.

Ever since her father died in battle, countless people in the cultivation world have speculated on the whereabouts of the "God of War's Manual" that recorded everything he had learned, and countless people have been keeping a close eye on her, the only daughter of the God of War.

Year after year, what she learned and used day and night did not show any trace of the God of War's inheritance. Gradually, people felt that perhaps the "God of War's Manual" was not in her hands at all.

No one knew that the Manual of the God of War that they had been longing for was hanging around her neck.

And she had never been able to open the jade pendant in all these years.

Nian Chaoxi held the pendant and suddenly said, "Yan'er, I'm going out."

Yan'er rushed in and asked, "Miss, where are you going?"

Nian Chaoxi: "Duheng Academy."

...

She was always decisive in her actions, and never delays once she says she is going to do something.

Not far from the yard, she passed by a rockery. From behind the rockery, she heard faint sounds, as if someone was hiding there and talking.

Normally, Nian Chaoxi would not have paid any attention to it, but when she thought of what Shen Tui said yesterday about a traitor, she stopped.

Then a voice full of unwillingness was heard.

"What right does the Vice City Lord have!"

Hm?

The master and servant looked at each other.

The next moment, a low voice said softly, "Keep your voice down. What if someone hears you? The Vice City Lord is not someone you can easily cross and get away with it."

Then the voice became lower.

Nian Chaoxi hadn't reacted yet. Yan'er realized that the two maids were gossiping about their own young miss behind her back. Her face immediately turned unpleasant and she wanted to go around the rockery to drag those two people out.

Nian Chaoxi held her back and motioned for her to continue listening.

The two maids' voices were intermittent.

"The Vice City Lord is too much. She ran to the City Lord's main courtyard in a rage yesterday. After she left, Miss Yan knelt all night. Who knows what she said in front of our City Lord. Why should Miss Yan kneel?"

The gentle voice said sadly, "It can't be helped. Our Miss Yan has been living under someone else's roof since she was young, and her adopted sister is like that... The Vice City Lord lord is used to doing what she wants, and there is nothing the City Lord can do."

"What do you mean by doing what she wants? She's clearly arrogant and domineering!"

Then, the two maids recounted all her arrogant and domineering deeds.

Yan'er was almost furious when he heard this, and the nightmare beast's pointed white ears popped out uncontrollably.

She wanted to rush over and slap each of them, but she didn't understand why the girl wouldn't let her pass.

The next moment, she heard her young miss speak. 

Nian Chaoxi asked her: "Can you tell which courtyard these two are from?"

Yan'er was stunned for a moment, and her white animal ears immediately moved.

After a moment, she said with certainty: "They are all maids in Wu Yan's courtyard. The one with a soft voice has been with Wu Yan for more than 20 years, and the one with a sharp voice is new."

Nian Chaoxi nodded.

Yan'er excitedly transmitted: "Miss, what do you want to do?"

Nian Chaoxi: "Don't do anything, just let them go back."

Yan'er was stunned.

Nian Chaoxi slightly curled her lips and said, "Then you send someone to Wu Yan's yard to arrest these people and throw them out of the mansion. The charge is insubordination."

What's the point of slapping someone twice? It would be better to let others know how lax some people are in controlling their subordinates and how they gossip right in front of the owner of the house.

Yan'er said excitedly: "Okay!"

No matter how you look at it, it's exciting.

The more Nian Chaoxi watched, the more she felt they were like villains in a novel. She was the main villain, and Yan'er was her lackey.

...

Not long after they left, Mu Yunzhi brought Wu Yan to Nian Chaoxi's yard.

He said to her soothingly: "It's just an apology, don't worry about the rest."

Wu Yan responded obediently.

But the two of them didn't even enter the yard.

The guard was positioned outside the yard, and said with embarrassment: "My Lord, the Junior Lord is not in the yard. She has ordered us not to let anyone in."

Mu Yunzhi frowned: "Where did she go?"

The guard told the truth: "She went shopping with Miss Yan'er."

Mu Yunzhi pursed his lips.

She said yesterday that she wanted to cancel the engagement, but today she was still in the mood to play. Was the cancellation of the engagement just something she said casually, or... did she not actually care about the engagement at all?

Wu Yan pulled his sleeve: "Brother Yunzhi, should I apologize?"

Mu Yunzhi was about to say something when a maid from Wu Yan's yard suddenly ran over in a panic: "Miss, something bad has happened! Yue'er and Xiaojin were thrown out of the City Lord's Mansion by the Vice City Lord's men!"

She only saw Mu Yunzhi when she got closer and her face turned pale.

But Wu Yan didn't realize this at all. Upon hearing this, she asked anxiously, "What's going on? How did they offend my elder sister?"

The maid didn't dare to speak.

Mu Yunzhi, who was standing by, said coldly, "Speak."

The maid knelt down immediately: "Yes... Sister Yue'er was talking about the Vice City Lord behind her back, and the Vice City Lord happened to hear it."

Wu Yan's whole body stiffened.

Mu Yunzhi snorted coldly upon hearing this: "What did she say?"

The maid didn't dare to speak.

Mu Yunzhi asked again: "Where is the Vice City Lord?"

Maid: "The Vice City Lord didn't come, it was her guards."

Upon hearing this, Wu Yan closed her eyes tightly, feeling embarrassed.

Before anyone arrived, they could just break into her yard and take people away.

Mu Yunzhi wanted to ask something else, but Wu Yan suddenly grabbed his sleeve and said awkwardly: "Brother Yunzhi...don't ask anymore. It's my fault for not being strict with my subordinates. I'll apologize to my elder sister."

Mu Yunzhi was silent for a moment, then said, "Just kick this kind of maid out. I'll find you a new one."

Wu Yan forced a smile and nodded.

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[carisi-dreams]

I cannot get the mc!au out of my head! I had this idea about a month ago and finally found time to jot it down.

If you're new to the mc!au, start here. (This is basically a SVU/SOA crossover.)

If you're already a fan of this 'verse, this takes place sometime not long after this and this.

Part 2 is written and queued! It's cold and dark and I love this verse, so if you're still reading my writing please come talk to me about it and/or prompt me! I also miss mc!nick...

Warnings: SOA typical mentions of violence, weapons, profanity

Feet squeaked on linoleum as people passed back in forth in front of your office door and you barely glanced up now. Sonny would, no doubt, not love the idea that you sat in your office with the door half open most days, but you were no princess in a tower. So, it was only the change in pace of them, measured rather than hurried, and a knock at the door that you had tearing your eyes away from the notes that you were typing on the screen. Your brain was still mentally finishing the sentence you were in the middle of typing when the expression on Sophia’s face gave you pause.

“There’s someone here to see you,” she said in reply to the inquisitive expression on your face when you arched an eyebrow in an unspoken question.

“Who?”

She shook her head and half shrugged. “Didn’t give his name. And no, he’s not wearing a kutte of any kind.” 

You hadn’t even had time to fully form that question either. No kutte and no name. Your heartbeat picked up and your attention was no longer split between her and the screen in front of you. There had been too much bad news, as of late. Too many deaths. Too many…people. Growing up you’d known everyone who was in your dad’s circle - at least the major players of club members and even some club allies. Now, it was like a sea of new faces every time you looked around and there was always a storm blowing in.

“Do you want me to send him in…?” she interrupted your train of thought when you didn’t respond. “Or send him to the club house?”

“No kutte,” you repeated. She shook her head. “Send him in,” you said after another beat. Maybe this was stupid, but you hated the idea of finding everyone suspicious now. It could be a former patient, old high school friend, or someone trying to recruit you to work in another hospital. “Can you push the door wider and ask security to stroll by?” you asked lightly as you turned your body to face the door squarely.

“Of course.” She nodded. “For what it’s worth, he looks normal. Around our age, maybe a few years younger. Handsome. Seems a bit nervous.”

“Nervous,” you repeated. Nervous could mean harmless or nervous could mean sent to kill you and now having regrets. Great. “Hmm. Well, let’s see what this is about then,” you said finally. 

She nodded again and pushed the door fully open before turning on her heel. As her footsteps receded down the hall you opened the second drawer of the file cabinet to your right under your desk. You glanced at the hall and then pushed the reusable shopping bags aside in the drawer before your fingers brushed against cool steel. It didn’t hurt to be prepared and you were pretty sure Sonny was one crisis away from going on a murderous rampage or having some kind of violent breakdown. On the upside, you were already at the hospital if things went…sideways.

The gun was loaded and you drew it into your lap to rest on your right thigh. Finger off the trigger, of course, and resting on the barrel. You contemplated for a moment before flicking off the safety and letting your finger rest on the barrel again. The less fiddling the better. You knew that from the size of your desk and way you were sitting whoever was here to see you would have no idea that you were armed. The element of surprise proved life saving more times than not and as heavy footsteps got closer you schooled your expression to one of professional neutrality.

A tall, and yes, handsome, man knocked on the door gently even as he met your eyes. He smiled tentatively and you let your eyes sweep over him to catalogue details to memory before you nodded at him.

“Come in,” you invited with a bland smile. You remained seating and gestured to the chair on the other side of your seat. “Mister…” you let your voice trail off. 

The man pulled back the seat and sat down carefully, like he thought the seat was wired with explosives. Interesting. He really was nervous. But obviously so, which had you relaxing slightly. A hired killer, even a shitty one, was smart enough to not be this obvious with their tells.

“You can call me Daniel.” His voice was deep and rich, like molasses. “And you’re-“ he said your first name and maiden name and you smiled. Barely married and you were already used to being Mrs. Carisi or Sonny’s old lady. When was the last time someone had said yours and not connected Sonny’s - either spoken or unspoken - in the same sentence?

“Yes, although my last name is now Carisi as of several weeks ago.” 

You held up your left hand and fluttered your fingers for a second. There was no sign of the name registering anything like shock, or fear, or even disgust in Daniel’s expression. Huh. He just smiled politely and congratulated you.

“I’m sure you’re wondering who the hell I am and why the hell I just showed up rather than emailing or something,” Daniel continued.

“Something like that,” you said dryly. “It’s not typically good news when unknown people show up to visit me.” You paused. “If you’re here to leave Sonny a message, I have to tell you, I would not recommend it. You seem like a nice enough person and he’s really not in the mood to be fucked with.” Neither were you, for that matter. You had a feeling he could figure that out on his own.

“I’m not here to leave Sonny a message,” Daniel said slowly. He looked confused. “I don’t know your husband or know why I’d come to you if I had some kind of message for him.”

“You’re not from here, are you?” You leaned back in your chair and relaxed by one more increment.

Daniel shook his head. “No, this is my first time. I just pulled into town this afternoon. I was planning to email you, but I was afraid I’d lose my nerve so I decided to drop in instead.”

“Okay, so what did you want to tell me?” Your curiosity was sufficiently piqued, but when he reached a hand into his jacket pocket you tightened your grip on the gun. When he only pulled out what looked like a photo, you relaxed again.

“My name is Daniel Parker,” he said. “My father passed away years ago and I finally got my mom to tell me more about him.” He dipped his chin to his chest and dropped your gaze. “She’s not doing too well. Been telling her for years to stop smoking.” He shook his head and gave you a long suffering smile before continuing on. “I didn’t see him much growing up because my parents weren’t together. My mom called him all kinds of names and kept me from getting in touch with him. I didn’t even know that this is where he lived. We, my mom and I, live five hours away.”

You kept silent and tried to keep the confusion off of your face.

“I have this picture from when my parents were kind of trying to make it work, I guess. I’m five in the photo.” He laughed and glanced up at you. “You may or may not see the resemblance now since I’m 28, but I look just like both of them in the photo.” He paused as if unsure how to proceed before offering the photo to you.

You took it gingerly, something about this moment had you back on edge, and shot him a searching look before glancing down at the photo. 

It was a bomb went off in your brain and you barely stifled an audible gasp. Your ears were ringing as if a loud noise had gone off and you brought the photo up closer to your face even as you wanted to toss it away from you. There was what looked like a younger Daniel in the photo, the smile and ears were the same. An ugly scar over his eyebrow in the photo had faded to something nearly imperceptible on the man who sat in front of you. It was, however, obviously the same scar. That wasn’t the shocking part. Your eyes barely skimmed across the face of the woman except to know that she didn’t look familiar at all. But the man, the man on Daniel’s other side was your father.

“Get the fuck out,” you ground out. You tore your eyes away from the photo and finally dropped it onto your desk. “Now.”

“Wait, wait,” Daniel hurried to cut you off as he threw up his hands in defense. “Please. I know this is shocking. I can…only imagine what you must be thinking or feeling. At least let me explain and prove to you that I’m telling the truth. Please.” 

You opened your mouth to tell him to get the fuck out again, but he continued on.

“If this is true and these are really my parents, that means we’re siblings.” At the expression on your face he hastened to amend his statement. “Or at least, we’re half siblings. Related. I’m an only child and I—I just wanted to meet you and introduce myself and learn more about my d—“

“He’s not your dad,” you interrupted harshly. “If this is true. He—I don’t know if what you’re saying is true or not. Even if it some how is, he is not your dad. He was my dad.”

“Okay,” Daniel held up his hands in surrender again and slumped into himself. “Give me five more minutes to tell you about myself and then I’ll leave. And it will be up to you if you want to contact me again, okay? I know this must be upsetting…”

You laughed harshly and then pressed your lips tightly together. The collar of your shirt was suddenly chafing and the footsteps squeaking on linoleum passing by the door put your teeth on edge.

“You have five minutes.”

[angelosearch]

Okay so no one asked about my Of Mind and Magic WIP but I really want to talk about it anyway. And when I say WIP, I mean a page of notes. But in my head, there's a lot.

Of Mind and Magic is my... comfort fic? It is the core plot of all my daydream scenarios for the last year. It is where I export my brain when I need to not ruminate on something irl. It is the longfic I will likely never write because it is basically an FF8 post-game soap opera that is loaded with every headcanon I've ever had. However, every once in a while, I will come up with something in this sandbox that I will use elsewhere.

The fic is honestly deeply personal and there are some concepts I'd want to introduce but may feel too distant from the "reality" of the game for me to confidently write about.

BUT just because I am unsure I will ever write it, doesn't mean I don't want to talk about it! And perhaps if I do talk about it enough I will give in and try...

This fic is the ULTIMATE marrying of my two "unskippable cutscene" topics: FFVIII and mental health/psychology/neuroscience.

The main concept is that using magic in the world of FFVIII takes a toll on your mental health. We already know that summoning GFs affects memory storage and retrieval, and this is pushing that idea further. The more magic you use, and the more powerful magic you summon, the more potential there is for diseases of the mind and the development of toxic thought patterns.

But it also works the other way. Those with mental illness and those with still-developing brains (children and teenagers) are predisposed to being able to capably wield magic. This blurred "membrane" between the conscious mind and magical power can also manifest in other magic-related abilities, like manipulating dreamscapes and premonitions/visions of the future.

Particularly, those with developing brains are more capable of using magic because their pre-frontal cortex (the decision-making center of the brain) is not fully formed until age 24-27. On some unconscious level, people must decide to accept magic as something they can tap into, and if your brain is fully developed and functioning it recognizes the magic and rejects it as an "immune" response. This is why women must receive Sorceress powers for the first time as children or young adults. Once the magic is accepted in this vulnerable place (Sorceress magic or otherwise) the capacity to use magic (or accept more magic from a sorceress) never goes away. Adults can choose to use magic for the first time after their brain fully develops, but it is never as strong. People cannot junction GFs if they haven't done so before they are in their late 20s.

There is some optional dialogue with Edea at the orphanage on disk three (after the promise): "A knight will present you with peace of mind. He will protect your spirit."

In this fic, this idea plays out in the sense that the knight must ground the sorceress and help her limit her magic use so she does not descend into "madness" - melt her brain and lose herself to the all-consuming power of the magic. However, the bond between sorceress and knight does weaken the mind-magic membrane further, so there is a reciprocal need for the sorceress to also monitor the mental health of her knight.

If a knight was already predisposed to magic (maybe by using it heavily before their brain finished developing) and had a mental illness, they could have tremendous potential for magical ability.

Do you see where I am going here?

It is an eight-year post-game story from Squall's POV (at least in the first part). It's Squall/Rinoa but in the beginning, they have lost themselves and each other. It's really a story of self-discovery, change, caring for the inner child, legacy, and longing. Lots of family stuff because that's what I do, including a major plot line involving Raine and LAGUNA LAGUNA LAGUNA always.

This is why I hesitate to even try to write it: It is steeped in mental health/therapy stuff. I think I am capable of handling that as a writer, but the intensity to which I'd want to take it I am not sure is... appealing? Especially because I wouldn't want to give many trigger warnings to avoid spoiling. Also, I wonder if people would find it "appropriate" to bring super-heavy stuff into this world? Does anyone want to read about Rinoa suffering from an eating disorder in a very serious and as-accurate-as-I-can-make-it way? Or is that just insulting to people suffering from eating disorders? I like reading about this stuff, but I'm not everyone.

Squall comes to realize he has bipolar disorder... I am bipolar, I relate to Squall, and I know what bipolar experiences look like. I have no in-game "proof" of Squall being bipolar (though there's nothing in the game that disproves it either) but it's one of those things where you long to see yourself in the media you consume. Honestly, "Squall is bipolar with cptsd" (like me) was where this fic started. He has a very complete and public breakdown in this story. If you ever wanted to know what it's like to be admitted to an acute crisis psych unit in a hospital, this fic would show that. But maybe that is something that is better to write about in nonfiction??

A lot of this stuff is based on lived experience - either of myself or of other people via case studies/memoirs I've read. I rarely see stuff of this intensity depicted in works of fiction, let alone fanfiction. Is that because of a lack of representation, or is it because people don't want to read it? I honestly do not know.

I don't have a clear idea of where this story is going or when/where it will end, which is another factor that makes me hesitate in writing it. In my mind, I have two "season finales" but it's still ongoing (though Chaos Theory has taken over lately).

Anyway, I've been dying to throw this all down somewhere. If you've made it to the end of this post, good for you. You now know what the inside of my brain looks like.

[valkyurii]

The game doesn't state exactly when Malenia fell unconscious. So there may be a bit of wriggle room and that dialogue may hold some interesting implications, maybe? What you said regarding the flower formation makes sense I think. Aside from despair being a necessary ingredient for blooming, there's no need to reborn if you're not dead. ER is filled with fantastical things, but Finlay lugging back a gigantic unwieldy flower is actually quite amusing. I daresay her blooming twice is an objective fact. To theorize otherwise requires going up against quite a number of things, some of which are presented in an objective manner themselves. For instance, "demigod felled" pops up instead of "God slain". Millicent does not become a scarlet valkyrie after phase 2. Malenia becomes a flower. It's not a non-living thing. It's a rebirth flower. Perhaps some players are just deathly afraid that she may come back lol. From what I've seen, the "Malenia bloomed 3 times" theory hinges on 2 things - flower outside her room & "Goddess of Rot" title. Both are easily refutable imo. Side note, if phase 2 is Malenia's final final form I'm going to be very disappointed lol. She's more powerful yes, but not by much? Doesn't feel like a "true goddess" if less than half her attacks are rot-based and half her rot attacks are no good. Also, she doesn't even have a rot-only move, does she? She always stabs/slashes before/after/while doing a rot move.

That is true, the game doesn’t give us much detail about the aftermath of that fight. Like I’ve always wondered if Radahn was also out cold for a while before waking up with his mind completely gone.

And yes you’re right despair does seem to be an important factor with the blooming. For a while I didn’t realise Gowry has additional dialogue prior to finishing Millicent’s questline. I mean how many people would think to go back to him before invading/aiding her? What he says after we question, “Become a flower?”

“Which is why… If you happen to be present for the girl’s fight with her sisters, I ask that you side with the sisters and kill Millicent. It must be done by your hand, not other. Millicent trusts you, rather deeply in fact. Sever that trust. Nurtured by betrayal, her bud will flower most vividly. When Malenia ascends to godhood, Millicent too shall be reborn. As a scarlet valkyrie.”

When I first heard this a lot of other things started to make so much more sense. Despair, desperation, hopelessness… It’s all the same with Malenia too. One of the main things we learn about her is that she is a strong willed, determined woman who actively tries to suppress the outer god that wants to control her. When faced with failure, failure that she cannot afford, she becomes desperate and so her will begins to break. When she is weakened, both mentally and physically, the rot takes ahold of her and she blooms, much like in her fight with us. (I hope that makes sense I am not very good at getting my thoughts across)

I do think that when this topic comes up a lot of people seem to think I’m trying to say “oh she’s not actually dead and she’s coming back somehow” which does scares them. Now I can’t speak for anyone else but I personally don’t think she’s going to come back and if I’m being honest I don’t want her to either. For a couple of reason really, but the main one is I just don’t want a repeat of all the shit from a few months ago. I’m sorry but I really don’t want to have to see a Malenia hate train 2.0 that shit was exhausting and still is to a degree. On the one hand I’d love more content of her, but on the other this community is just so disgusting and awful when it come to her I really can do all that again. Forgive me I know I sound pathetic as hell but that’s the way I feel unfortunately. I completely respect and understand if some people love the idea of her coming back in future content though so I’m not trying to take that away at all. It could very well happen.

And yeah I agree with you about her phase two not really feeling like her final form. More of a second stage but not the complete one. Even the addition of her wings don’t really serve that much purpose. She doesn’t have many attacks where she flys, most of the times she’s just jumping, either when she jumps and slams the blade down, waterfowl (which is the same move as before only now with a rot effect) The aeonia and clone attack, she sort of rises up with the rot and gets held there with it. The only thing I can think of where she sort of uses the wings is when she jumps up and swoops towards you. She tends to do that as a long range gap closing move. Other than that the wings are just there for aesthetic I guess lol

The few rot AOE she does are so easy to avoid I always joke that for the “goddess of rot” she sure has a hard time rotting you. Like how many people die to her rot? 9/10 you get killed by her blade. Apparently she had an unused move where she took on the form of a giant butterfly? But I’m not sure how that would have worked exactly. I suppose technically the only rot-only move she has would be the aeonia, but it’s not a very effective one. It’s easy to avoid and she puts herself in a vulnerable position while doing it. Spell users beg her to do it in phase two for the easy damage opening. This is where I like the comparison she has with Lady Maria. Both have this other ability, essentially a curse they were born with, but both of them chose to utilise their skills in other ways, namely their blade. But when both are pushed by the player they are forced to call upon this power they’d other wise rather not use. Compare that to someone like Mohg who heavily relies on his outer god power. Without the blood Mohg is pretty useless. Hell he even uses it to steal our health and heal himself. Where’s the hate for that btw? Malenia heals when she hits you and everyone cries and screams about it, but Mohg does it and it’s okay I guess. Also dude doesn’t even really fight you much in phase one. Just spends the whole time counting out loud and placing rings on you lmao

[lokifanatic1]

I had a new idea, what do you think about this? To celebrate the month of October, the reader decides to start reading creepypastas, at first everything goes well. But one day she ends up reading a creepypasta so terrifying that she can't even be alone anywhere without feeling that the monster of that creepypasta is stalking her. Loki realizes this and knows that her friend cannot overcome a trauma just by listening. words. He decides to help her face her fear by taking the form of that creepypasta that scared her so much and transforming that terrifying character into a harmless one.

Loki and reader (mainly female but can be male if you like)

Rating: Maybe PG because I go into a little detail on the story of Laughing Jack.

I just finished reading the creepypasta about Laughing Jack and oh my goodness! It was hard to read as the images flashed through my head. I hope I can do it justice but I might not be able to get that gory in detail. I’m not that big into really scary stuff. I’ll do my best! Thank you, mari2akary for the request!

More Than Meets the Eye

It was October. Spooky month. You wanted to be brave and do something scary, so you dove into reading what people call, Creepypastas or made up horror stories on the internet. They started out exciting, but as you read more and more, they slowly started freaking you out and actually scaring you. One such creepypasta was that of Laughing Jack. This story scared you so much that you thought Laughing Jack was actually real and stalking you. You grew more paranoid by the minute.

Now, Laughing Jack was different from anything you’d ever read before. Way scarier. The plot of the story followed the character of Laughing Jack, a clown who was created for children as a sort of “imaginary friend.” At first, Jack was a fun loving entity, but over time, he became more and more maniacal until he completely changed into a killer. What he did was truly unthinkable as he tortured and killed his child victims, cutting them open and replacing their organs with candy.

The way in which Laughing Jack mutilated his victims and laughed at such scenes sent shocks of terror through your body and you had to stop reading at one point. This is when Loki softly knocked on your bedroom door and you jumped and screamed in terror at the sudden sound. “Darling. It’s just me. May I come in?” he said sweetly yet a bit worried. “Y-yeah. C-come in,” you replied. He walked in and clearly saw the terror in your face as tears began to well up in your eyes. Your chest heaving with rapid breath. “My dear! What has frightened you so?!” he asked as he ran to comfort you. “It’s this story. Rather a series of stories called ‘creepypastas’ that people have made up on the internet in such detail that I’m scared now that this character, ‘Laughing Jack’ is going to find and kill me when I’m alone.” Loki looked at you calmly and understandingly. He didn’t laugh or make fun of you because it sounded a lot like the horror stories adults on Asgard would use to scare little children into being good. His own adoptive parents would tell he and Thor about terrible beings that would come in the night for any child that was disobedient or who caused mischief. Being a god of Mischief, this scared young Loki, but he couldn’t deny who he was. Thankfully, this being never came for the brothers as they grew up and learned it was just something adults did to make their children mind.

No matter what he might say, Loki knew you were scared enough of ‘Laughing Jack’ that you begged him to stay with you always. Never letting you out of his sight. “Darling. It’s just a story someone made up. It’s not real” he said trying to calm you. “No! He’s real! I can feel him watching me when I’m alone! Please, Loki! Please keep me safe! Don’t let him get me!”You hugged him harder than you ever had before as he could feel you shaking. You began sobbing as he rubbed your back and tried to calm you down.

While in your embrace, Loki had an idea but wouldn’t tell you. “Excuse me for a moment,” he said briefly and exited your room. Unbeknownst to you, he took your phone and began reading the Creepypastas for this entity. No wonder you were so frightened. The detail in these stories were horrid and not for the faint of heart. Acts of killing and mutilation were all things he was witness to growing up and even as an adult, and he didn’t want you to go through the same. So he made up a plan to look like this being, but make him harmless and friendly. Maybe even a little cheeky since this WAS Loki after all. Only after he was gone did you realize he took your phone, but you weren’t mad. Loki would never take your stuff unless to aid in understanding why you were so upset.

Moments later, Loki was scrolling on your phone, trying to find a picture of “Laughing Jack” so he could use his magic to become the fabled monster. Only this time, he’d show you there was nothing to fear about said monster. You were in your room wondering what the god could be doing when you heard a strange knock on your door. “C-come in,” you said bravely. Not knowing if it were Loki or something much more sinister on the other side. Just then, Loki slowly stepped in the form of ‘Laughing Jack’ and you immediately freaked out. You were screaming, crying and begging for him not to end you like in the stories. His heart broke. “Maybe this wasn’t a good idea,” he thought. But then, he remembered his parents used a monster on he and his brother to show that they weren’t bad. Just misunderstood. “This could work,” he mumbled under his breath. Too quiet for you to hear. Finally, he stepped toward you and gently put a hand on yours. You jumped again, terrified of what was to transpire, but this time you looked the monster in the face and saw those beautiful green eyes staring back at you. “Loki? Is that you?” you asked softly. Playing along, he replied, “ it is I, ‘Laughing Jack’ here to make you laugh and show you there’s nothing for you to be afraid of, love.” You couldn’t believe Loki would do something like that for you, just to show you that you didn’t have to be scared. “Unlike the ‘other’ ‘Laughing Jack’ that scared you, I’m here to make you happy and giggly.” You looked at Loki confused for a minute. “ What do you mean ‘happy and giggly’?” you asked. “ I know a secret about you that no one else knows. Not even the Avengers,” he said slightly smirking at you. “And what would that be, ‘Mr. Scary Monster’?” you replied with some sass as you placed your hands on your hips. “You, my dear are….TICKLISH!” He leapt forward and started tickling you with his monstrous claws. “Loki! Ahahaha! Nahaho! I’m too-hoo ticklish! Hahaha!” “Ahh! So she admits it! Well this monster is more of a “tickle monster” who likes to make people happy and to not be afraid of those ‘bad monsters’ anymore. I am a ‘fun monster.’” “Whahahat?! Hahaha! Fun for who?” you giggled. “Don’t try to hide it. I know you love this!” he said as he tickled away at your body. Now shaking from laughter. “Okahaaaay! I ye-ild!” You screeched, almost scared you broke Loki’s eardrums. All of a sudden a green flash of light appeared as the monster vanished and your Loki took its place. You sat up and gave him another big bear hug and thanked him for helping you see that not all monsters are so scary. That night, Loki made sure you went to bed with sweet dreams with no bad monsters in sight.

[genavere]

Okay random question but what's your advice to fellow writers about when they get stumped? And we need to get past writer's block lol?

Sorry for the delay in getting to this. Had to finish the Febuwhump and then I was going to finish this last night, but....well, you know what happened, lol!

There are a few things that I do when I cannot write. This is just what I do, so it might not work for others.

1 - Do something else

Depending on the time of day, if I cannot write, or my mind cannot focus. I will either go do something else, take a nap, or watch some thing interesting. Maybe even read something. Anything that you try to force during this time will feel just that: forced. Sometimes, especially if you have vivid dreams, taking a nap and dreaming something can help get the gears going. But that is hit or miss.

2 - Listen to Music

When I want to write something, but can't seem to get the ideas going or the scene to play out. I will listen to music that fits with that scene. My youtube is full of playlists that I have dedicated to certain stories. Take the song Dynasty by MIIA - I have listened to this song for years piecing together a original story idea. When I need new ideas, I will just put my headphones on, listen to it on repeat, and pretend I am watching a music video of my story with that song. What scenes do the lyrics bring out? What does the music make me think of? What comes to mind as I sit there.

3 - Focus on one scene and write it

This is good practice to describe things, too. If I am struggling with writers block, I will take a scene from a movie or one you thought of and just focus on every aspect of it. Pick it apart piece by piece. How many people are in the scene? What is the weather like? Are they dressed in normal clothes? Is there anything odd about the scene? You don't have to try to write it like you might for a book/story, just take notes. Then after you feel you have enough written down, then start working them into sentences. They don't have to fit just yet. Practice with forming the sentences first. Once the notes have been made into their own sentences, then try working them together. Weave them back and forth, add ways to move them forward. Once you have all the sentences put together, see if you want to keep going. Add more to the paragraph you made.

4 - Read something or play a game

Sometimes it takes venturing into someone else's world and creative mind to think of your own ideas. Play a game like Breath of the Wild or the Witcher series to delve into a fantasy realm. Pick up a book by your favorite author, or a book you have read before. Read the scenes and envision them. You can take the time to either just focus on the story you are interacting with, or you can start asking questions. Take The Last Unicorn, book or movie. What would have happened if she could be changed back into a mortal? Would she have married the prince? Since she could no longer be part of her own kind anymore, would she have been lonely? Did she stay with the wizard? Could she have stayed with the prince even as a unicorn? Think about these things and write them down! It's how fanfiction practically started, lol.

5 - Sometimes it's not the lack of ideas

There are times when I am trying to write, the scenes are playing out in my head, but I cannot get the words down. It frustrates me, and I am pretty sure it frustrates many people. This is a way to also a good exercise for practicing your writing skill, but take a book and an empty notebook (you can type it, too, but handwriting always worked better for me), and begin writing what is written. Pay attention to how the words are used to describe things. Notice how the sentences flow together. Sometimes, it's not the lack of ideas, but the lack of knowing how to put the words together. Many times you will hear from writers, both published and not, from books, and everything else, that to be a good writer, you need to be a good reader.

These are just a few ways that I personally have worked through my own writer's block or when I can't think of ideas. I am pretty sure that there are more, but after a few days of writing this and going over everything, I think I covered the basics and the important parts.

If you have more questions, let me know. I'm always willing to talk and share ideas, tips, and just talk about things.

Thank you for the ask!

[folklorelise]

The cadets are turned into kids and think you and Levi are their parents

In the same universe where they called you “mom”, (they are around 3 and 4 years old)

Also— this is adorable (this is from an eruri doujinshi by hitomi which is called curtain call)

 ------

Eren had an experiment that went wrong. He transformed into his titan form and then suddenly he shrank into a tiny titan. Then he escaped Hange and ran away.

“Someone finds Y/N right now! Eren only listens to her!” Hange yelled at their squad.

When you heard about what happened, Levi looked for Eren with you. When you found him in your office, he was not alone. He was not a titan anymore too. All the cadets were like Eren– tiny little babies.

“MOMMY!” Eren screamed pointing at you.

“Oh no.” you mumbled seeing them all run to you.

They were all hugging your leg, trying to get you attention. Jean started to cry after Eren pushed to the ground. You wanted to pick him up but there were too many kids around you.

“I got this.” Levi assured you and picked Jean up.

Jean stopped crying and stared at the captain frightened. Jean looked at you and reached out his arms towards you. You took Jean in your arms but everyone else started to scream “me too!”.

“Levi,” you said to him, “maybe we should do groups and you take half and I take the other half?”

“No. You can’t leave me alone with them.”

“I can’t work like this.”

“I’m sure Erwin would understand. I’ll tell him.” Levi offered walking away.

“Levi! No! Come back!”

“I told you mommy doesn’t want to stay with us.” Connie cried to Sasha.

“What? Of course, I want to be with you!” you reassured them. “I just don’t know what to do.” you mumbled to yourself.

“I’m hungry.” Jean said, still in your arms.

“Of course, you are.” Eren said, “that’s why you’re so f–“.

“Eren I swear to Erwin’s eyebrows if you finish that sentence, I’m going to throw you in the dungeons!” you snapped angrily.

Jean on the other side started to cry again knowing what Eren wanted to say. Eren started to cry silently too, looking at the ground.

“Sorry mommy.” Eren sobbed, “don’t be mad please.”

“You should apologise to Jean.” you said calmer.

You put Jean down and Eren hugged him and apologised shyly.

“That’s better! Now take each other’s hands and we’ll go found something to eat okay?”

They all nodded, you took Armin’s hand on one hand and Sasha’s on the other one. Eren surprisingly took Jean hand and you all went to the mess hall. Levi was already there with Erwin, with food for the kids.

“We thought that would help.” Erwin explained while the kids run towards the food. “There’s a tray for each one of you, so no need to fight.”

Erwin and Levi walked towards you and sighed.

“What do we do?” Erwin asked.

“I can’t work with them around. I also cannot take care of them alone. There’s eight of them!”

“Armin, Mikasa and Bertolt shouldn’t be a problem – they’re good,” Levi stated, “Jean and Eren would do everything you say. Sasha, Connie and Reiner… tire them until they're too exhausted to move.”

“I still can’t do that alone! You have to help me.”

“I have paperwork to do, and Erwin has commander things to do.”

“I wish I could help,” Erwin intervened, “but I can’t, I still have work to do and…”

“Erwin, it’s fine.” you said gently, “but Levi you cannot leave me alone.”

Erwin left after Levi finally agreed to help. You both sat down at the table.

“Oh no.” Levi sighed once he saw the mess they did while eating. “Stop eating with your hand and use the spoon.”

“Sorry daddy.” Jean apologised but kept eating with his hands.

“What did you call me?” Levi asked.

“Oh, it’s not like he never said it before.” you said.

Levi took Jean on his lap and started to feed him. Reiner, Bertolt and Armin were eating calmy, Sasha ate too fast while Connie was trying to protect his food from Sasha. Mikasa was feeding Eren because he gave his food to you.

“Eren I’m fine, you should eat.” you told him multiple times.

After lunch, they were all too excited and energetic unlike you and Levi.

“I’m too old for sh!t.” Levi told you.

“You kill titan for a living! This should easy.”

“Is it though?”

“Let’s just play with them a little until they get tired so they can sleep.”

The whole afternoon was spent playing hide and seek and tag. Which was not the wisest idea since Armin and Reiner ended hurt. Only a few scratches on their knees and elbows but that made you worried sick. After dinner in Levi office with the kids, they were starting to get tired.

“Mommy,” Mikasa called you by pulling your sleeve, “I want to sleep.”

“Me too!” Reiner said by sitting on your lap.

“A story!” Connie screamed excited which made all of them chant this.

“Alright! Alright! Do we have that kind of book in the library?” you asked Levi.

“No.”

“Well, I can invent a story – that’s not an issue.”

Levi and you sat on the bed and they all crawled on you and between. You started your story and very soon after, they all fell asleep.

“How was your day?” Levi asked you.

“Tiring. What about you?”

“It was fine. And it made me think…,” Levi paused, “never mind.”

“No, tell me.”

“Maybe we could have our own.” Levi shrugged.

“Is it something you want?” you asked.

“Is it something you want? Because if you do not want any, it’s fine too.”

“I don’t know… maybe?”

“We don’t have to talk about it now.”

“You’re right, but I want to talk about this. Someday.” you smiled.

After this little conversation, you both fell asleep. In the middle of the night, Levi woke up because someone was awake – Armin.

“Bathroom.” Armin said once Levi was awake.

Levi stood up and took Armin in his arms and went to the bathroom. After Armin finished, Levi helped him wash his hands and went back to bed. But before Levi could lay on his bed, Reiner woke up with tears in his eyes.

“No, don’t cry.” Levi warned him and took him out of the bed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nightmare.” Reiner confessed sobbing.

“It’s not real – it’s a dream. Go back to bed.” Levi said before going back to his bedroom, but Reiner stayed behind sobbing. Levi sighed before picking him up. “Stop crying, you don’t want to wake mommy, right?”

“No.”

“Fine then let’s go back to bed, alright?”

That was only the beginning of Levi’s night. After Reiner went back to sleep, it was Sasha’s turn to go to the bathroom.

“I knew it,” Levi said to himself, “I mean after all she ate, that was only a matter of time before she goes number two.”

Then it was Bertolt who had to pee. After him it was Connie who was a little thirsty. Mikasa had to go to the bathroom too. Only Eren did not wake up. When Levi finally went back to bed, Eren woke up.

“Don’t tell me you need to poop too.” Levi warned him tired.

“I want to sleep with mommy please.” Eren asked.

“No place, maybe another time, now sleep.”

—————

-          That one time you had to leave for an expedition

The next expedition was a short and simple one. Yet every squad leader had to be there, including you. You were obviously reluctant about it because of the kids.

“Who will take care of them?” you asked Levi.

“There are nurses. Don’t worry about it.”

The first few days, the kids were all sleeping with Levi and you but then, Levi told them to go and sleep in their bedroom because with them around, you could not do anything else than sleep. You promised to them that you would visit every night before they go to sleep and that night, you told them that you would not be here for a week or so.

“No!” Jean screamed hugging you, “don’t leave me please.” he begged on the verge of crying.

“Mama!” Armin, the youngest cried, rubbing his eyes. “don’t go.”

“I will be back very soon; you won’t even notice my absence.” you told them.

That night you proposed to have them back in bed with Levi and you so they would stop crying. The next morning, once it was time to leave, none of them wanted to let go of your legs.

“It’s fine, I’ll be back very soon.” you tried to calm them down. That did not work. “Fine I won’t go, let’s all go back to bed okay?” you said to them which made them stop crying and run to your bedroom.

Once they all left, you went back on your horse and left with the rest of the survey corps outside the walls. When the kids realised that you were not coming started to cry again and did not stop until they fell asleep. The nurses that took care of them were starting to get worried but after a few days, they started to play and eat again without any protest.

Once you were back, all the kids were waiting for you at the entrance of the wall. They were screaming “mommy!” when they saw you. Jean screamed “daddy!” when he saw Levi which made people around gasp. They did not know that these kids were in reality survey corps members. Sasha and Connie went on Hange’s horse while Armin and Bertolt were on Erwin’s. Jean and Reiner were with Levi while Mikasa and Eren were with you.

“We missed you a lot mommy!” Eren said happy to see you.

“I missed you too.”

For a week or two, the kids would not let go of you because of that expedition.

 —————

-          That one time you got mad at them.

The only time you got mad at them was when they all started to fight each other. Levi and you were doing paperwork outside because it was a sunny day and the kids wanted to play outside. You were peacefully reading your reports when they started to shout at each other. You were not worried about it because they were always shouting, but when you saw that they started to cry and push each other you quickly went over where they were.

“What’s happening here!” you screamed.

They all stopped except for Eren and Jean who were still fighting.

“Hey! Stop!” you yelled but none of them listen to you.

Before you could get mad, Levi took Eren in his arms which stopped the fight.

“What is wrong with you?” Levi reprimanded them. “What were you two thinking? You could’ve got hurt and you could’ve hurt your friends and worse of all, you weren’t listening to Y/N!”

Jean and Eren turned to you but you were already gone.

“Where’s mommy?” Jean asked shyly.

After Jean and Eren both apologised to each other, they went looking for you.

“Is mommy mad?” Eren asked.

“Yes.” Levi answered.

“She doesn’t love us anymore?” Jean asked with tears in his eyes.

“Of course, she does, now let’s find her and apologise.”

They could not find you anywhere. Even Levi did not know where to look. He asked Erwin and Hange but none of them saw you. Jean would not stop crying because you were not there.

“Mommy doesn’t love me anymore!” Jean kept saying.

At night when they all went into their bedroom, they found you on their bed.

“Mommy!” they all screamed happy but stopped on their way when they saw that you were not smiling.

“What happened today was unacceptable. I am disappointed.” you said. “I hope that won’t ever happen ever again.”

“Sorry.” they all apologised.

“Where were you?” Eren asked.

“Out, I needed some time alone.”

“Are you mad at me?” Eren cried.

“No… Not anymore, and I am not mad at you too Jean. But next time you do this, there will be consequences. Now go to sleep, all of you.” You stood up, ready to leave.

“No stories?” Reiner asked.

“Please.” they all asked with a pout that you just could not resist.

 —————

-          That on time Levi had to calm Eren down during a meeting.

That day, you had to leave to visit a family member who was going to give birth. You left without saying anything to the kids otherwise they would not have let you. Levi’s squad was responsible for the kids when none of you were available.

They were all running around when Eren fell from the top of the stairs.

“EREN!” Petra shouted petrified.

Eren started to cry, and he would not stop. The squad tried everything, but nothing would stop Eren’s tears.

“We have to bring him to the captain.” Eld said.

Eld took Eren and went to the meeting room. He knocked on the door and opened it just enough so Eren could go in.

“I want mommy!” Eren continued to cry.

Levi picked him up and put him on his lap.

“She’s busy today, what happened?” Levi asked him softly.

“I fell.” Eren sobbed.

“It’s fine, you can stop crying and tell mommy later that you acted all strong because you’re almost an adult now.”

“I’m a big boy now.” Eren admitted hugging Levi.

All the squad leaders were speechless in front of this because they never saw the captain acting like this before. He was so delicate and sweet towards Eren. Then the door opened again, and all the other kids barged in.

“I’m sorry captain, but they all wanted to check on Eren.” Petra apologised.

“It’s fine.” Levi said before putting Eren down.

The rest of the meeting was spent with the kids playing under the table, around Levi. Once you came back, you found Levi asleep on his bed with the kids around him. You tried to be as silent as possible, but Levi woke up.

“Hey, how was your day?” you asked him not without a kiss.

“Fine, and you?”

“Boring – you weren’t there.”

“Mommy!” Eren called you reaching out his arms.

“What happened to your knees?” you asked him when you picked him up.

“I fell but I didn’t cry.”

“Riight, because you’re so brave.” but Eren had already fell asleep again.

  —————

-          Random HCs

Armin loves the commander; he is always clinging to him.

Eren always wants to impress the captain by eating alone and cleaning.

Jean is your boy; he always wants to stay with you by pretending to be injured or something.

Sasha and Connie love Hange because they get to help Hange with their experiments.

Mikasa only loves you.

—————

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! <3

————— 

—————

PART 2 is out, check out the MASTERLIST!

[deepfried-dildos-again]

a little embarrassed to ask for this one but can i get some more comfort lobo?? maybe him trying to calm you down after you start thinking hes cheating cause he stopped seeing you as much as he did before?? and if you do decide to do this one could you just copy paste the ask i have too many ppl that know me on this account 😭 tysm still love how you write lobo

I have got you you don't even have to trip.

Content warnings: It's like pg-15 the whole fic, references to cheating, domestic disturbance ig? You yell at him

That. Son. Of. A. Bastich. You hated him. You really did. Oh yeah, sure, it would be a SUPER great idea to catch feelings for possibly the most well known flake in the universe. It would be a FANTASTIC idea to actually believe him when he said he had feelings for you, too. And it would just take the proverbial CAKE if he was cheating on you.

Sure you didn't have concrete proof, but the long bounty trips, the vauge air of coldness, and his very NATURE were the giveaways you needed. So you were leaving. If he cared enough to go after you, you'd chew him out and turn him in. If he didn't, it was whatever.

There was a "Dear John" letter to consider, however. You still cared about him enough to tell him WHY you were gone. But the words just wouldn't come to you. That was probably what gave him the time to come inside before you left and sneak up behind you.

"Whatcha writin'?"

You jumped, dropping your pen on the desk and standing to get up. Your surprise in turn surprised him, and he raised his arms in a gesture of peace.

"Woah, babe, didn't mean ta spook ya. Thought you heard me come in."

Still shocked, your mouth twitched to form words, but none came. That amused him.

"What, writin' a letter ta yer secret side piece? How come ya never do that romantic crap ta me?"

That was the kicker. He accused YOU of cheating? While he was the one actually DOING IT? It didn't even register to you as a joke, and you lost it.

"Oh you WOULD. GOD I cannot believe I ever- you- you-"

"Hey, what's-"

"DO NOT HEY WHAT'S ME, YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S WHAT."

"..."

"Answer me!"

He furrowed his brow, and you saw his pupils dilate as he thought. So it was multiple people.

"The girl!"

"The huh?"

"The girl or guy or whoever it is you're fragging cheating on me with!"

"What- babe."

"DON'T BABE ME!"

"Ok, ok, no babe. But will ya listen ta me?"

"Oh, yeah, listen to you weasel out of any consequences I might give you, I hate you so MUCH."

"Listen. Ta. Me."

Clenching your fists, gritting your teeth, you tried to push past him.

"Let me by."

"I can't."

"Let me BY."

"No."

"Why?!"

He opened his mouth and looked like he wanted to say something, but then seemed to shrink back from the thought. Instead, he took your hand. Surprising yourself, you let him.

"Just... I can show ya paystubs, tickets, whatever. Just let me tell ya why I'm out so much."

You could hear the slight shake in his breath, but what you couldn't hear was the mantra running through his head:

"Please don't leave me. Please."

You could feel it though, subconsciously but you could feel it. So you let him sit you both down on the couch and continue holding your hand.

"Ok, so, uh. Ya know my kid, yeah? Crush?"

You nodded, remembering his estranged daughter.

"Well, she uh. She got inta some trouble with th' Darcan mob. She's in on the bounty huntin' shit too, jus' goes after live targets, but one'a the guys she grabbed was th' Capo's son."

"So she-"

"Lemme finish. I got wind a their... plans fer her afore she did. She still doesn't know. I made a couple deals with em. Work for em, take down a couple'a their rivals, that kinda shit. Trouble is, they don't pay union rates, so my cashflow decreased. I had ta go after more bounties, outside'a theirs. It's been... 'sbeen a long couple months."

"Why didn't you tell her?"

"We ain't exactly on speakin' terms."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You'd worry."

"Of course I would! You're a hitman for the fragging Darcan mob!"

"Was. I paid off th' debt."

"When?"

"Bout six hours ago."

"Bo... you could've told me."

He looked away from you. He looked... ashamed? Worried? You couldn't exactly tell.

"Lobo, I'm so sorry I yelled at you. I must have sounded totally crazy and-"

"Woah, hey, nah. Y'sounded pretty reasonable. From where yer standin', at least."

"Still..."

He just sighed and leaned back onto the couch.

"Can we... not talk right now? 'M tired."

You nodded, then leaned into him, resting your head on his chest. You could actually feel him relax under you.

"Sorry I made ya worry."

"Tell me next time. I promise the worry I feel while knowing will be less bad than the worry I feel while not knowing."

"Ok. Promise."

[wakinguponsaturday]

Almost a year to the day after first asking @its-sixxers if I could print out and bind Half Light (after figuring out how one actually does that), I've finally finished it!!!

She's 825 pages long, has some of the early pages warped from glue, and blood (?) staining the text block, and I am so excited to fall in love with Nines and Mary all over again. Thanks for letting me do this, it's been a really rewarding project and I got a new hobby out of it!!!

Please go read Half Light and everything else Six has written, she is immensely talented. Mary is my favourite character in Bloodlines bar none and reading her story endeared me to VTMB when the game itself did not. Six's Fallout works are also masterpieces, and I haven't checked out her newer stuff with Elder Scrolls but I fully intend to because even if I've never touched a Skyrim game in my life, I know I'm going to adore it too!

More info about the process under the cut.

SeaLemon was an invaluable resource starting out here because I barely know how to sew and I had no idea how to approach the actual construction of a book. I'm gonna plug her right off the bat because she's very beginner-friendly if anyone else wants to learn.

But before all of that I had to format everything in Word! Chapter by chapter I copied the text over from the downloadable PDF from AO3 and would scan through the fic to ensure the formatting was correct (italicization, bolding, paragraph breaks, etc). I'd do this for about an hour at a time over the course of a couple months, until I decided to do the rest of it all at once after one March night at 10PM where I decided to learn how to bind it all, because fuck it, why not. (Answer: I was freaked out about my upcoming departmental talk and this seemed like a good distraction).

Printing all of it just on regular printer paper (don't know if I'd do that again in the future, but it's what I had on hand) it ended up being 52 signatures, or collections of 16 pages (4 pieces of paper) folded in half. Pierced holes in all of those using an awl and an old phonebook to hold the pages open, and then used my old embroidery thread to sew them together. This part took me maybe two days because I was just so damn pumped about it lmao. I also don't have any kind of bookpress to weight down the pages, so I had made due with old textbooks and MCAT prep material.

It stayed this way for LITERAL MONTHS as I gathered all the other supplies - chipboard and brushes from my local craft store, PVA glue online, and by far the hardest part was fabric. I've since learned that you can make your own fabric using book cloth and basically anything you want (if I had known this book would have been coated in red silk I swear) but for now I just wanted to be sure it was something designed for this purpose, as the woman at Fabric Land assured me it needed something specialized. So binder's buckram! Took a while to find something local and the color selection was pretty limited, I was hoping for a dark red or a dark blue but the green was the best they had in stock. Took even longer to get here. And by that point I had enough going on that it fell by the wayside until uh.... last week.

I glued the spine, again realizing that maybe I should've just made my own bookpress but powering through with textbooks to hold things in place, and let that sit for a couple days to fully dry. Ideally it would be flat, but beggars cannot be choosers. Gave her a lil ribbon too.

Not pictured because I forgot, the final text block with black construction paper glued to it to form the inside cover (would probably use something thicker/crisper in the future, something more like cardstock perhaps?). But then it came to putting the cover together! And that was just cutting chipboard to fit and gluing it correctly onto the fabric, leaving gaps around the spine.

Let that dry, and then I glued the text block in and let everything sit for just over 24h, again with makeshift weights to prevent the fabric warping (it's the second book from the bottom).

And then tada! Finished book! (This one's from before it was pressed but it looks the same now)

All in all extremely cool to hold in my hands and I look forward to the next fic that makes me this insane. If I get permission to do The Sun Is Now Fading I might take a crack at that and make a little set! Follow your dreams and one day you too will be able to take notes in the margins of your favourite Vampire the Masquerade fic.

[joaquinwhorres]

gazes (joaquín torres x reader)

SUMMARY ››››› It's become increasingly apparent to Sam and Bucky that you and Joaquin cannot take your eyes off each other. Unfortunately for them, you two have decided to be Professionals and that means keeping your eyes, hands, and lips to yourselves. No matter how difficult it is.

WORD COUNT ››››› 3,716

WARNINGS ››››› sexy times implied

A/N ››››› Ok so these headcanons y'all have been sending me are incredible. I read these two back to back and I just had to write something connecting them.

The kid had no tact.

Sam wasn't exactly sure why he expected more from the guy who'd led into his theory that Steve was on the moon by referencing vague internet rumors, but even despite that, he'd assumed Joaquin possessed some sense of subtlety.

Instead he was over at the leg press trying and failing not to stare at Y/N as she bent over at the middle to help Bucky push deeper into the stretch.

"You know she could hit you with a harassment claim for staring at her like that."

Joaquin jumped, the weights dropping suddenly with a loud clang. Across the gym, Bucky laughed as Y/N whipped around to face the two men. "Everything ok?" Her voice sounded genuinely concerned, and Sam couldn't help but smirk as Joaquin turned towards her, giving a little wave.

"Foot slipped," he answered, and she nodded, turning back to Bucky quickly.

"Foot slipped," Sam mocked.

"Dude, you scared the shit out of me."

"If you paid half the amount of attention you give to Y/N to your surroundings, you'd have known I'd been standing here for three minutes."

Joaquin gave a defensive scoff. "I wasn't staring at her--I was just--" he stopped, searching for an excuse, and Sam raised his eyebrows.

When it was clear Joaquin couldn't find a convincing enough lie to end the sentence, Sam shook his head. "You know, if you talk to her, she might actually let you take her out."

"I talk to her," Joaquin protested.

Sam shook his head, uncrossing his arms. "No, I mean talk to her. Chat her up. You've gotta have some game, right?"

"I've got game..." His sentence trailed off as he turned to look in her direction, finding her standing over Bucky's feet with her hands on her hips. "But like, we're co-workers, you know? I don't want to make things awkward around the gym or the compound or anything."

"Joaquin," Sam said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "You're already making things awkward."

"He's staring at your ass again."

"And you're trying to get out of stretching again," you quipped, moving Bucky's leg closer to his chest. The super soldier tilted his head as if to acknowledge the legitimacy of your accusation.

"Doesn't change the fact that I think you're about to give him a heart attack."

"I highly doubt he's worried in the slightest about my ass. He's probably zoned out."

"He's definitely focused in...on--"

"On my ass," you finished, shaking your head. You might have given Bucky's claim a little more credence if it weren't for the fact that Joaquin Torres had been anything but the consummate professional towards you. He was friendly and upbeat and welcoming, and one of the few genuinely good guys you'd ever had the pleasure of working with.

You'd never caught him staring once, and it's not like the boy was exactly known for subtlety. Last time Bucky had asked him to cover for him so you couldn't come down and teach him the right way to train his body, he'd told you that Bucky had left the compound to get you a thank you gift for all of your hard work. All while staring at the gym door.

The heavy sound of weights falling against each other echoed throughout the gym, and you spun around to face the sound. Sam hovered over Joaquin's shoulder, the latter no longer working the leg press but instead looking as if he'd just received the scare of his life.

Bucky broke into laughter, and you smacked at his leg.

"Everything ok?" you called out, and Joaquin smiled, giving a sheepish little wave at you. "Foot slipped."

"It's a good thing he wasn't at the bench press. You might have killed him."

Your head snapped back to Bucky who was giving you a shit eating grin.

"You're an asshole."

"I'm right."

"Do you think if I ask nicely Wakanda will take you back?"

"So you know I'm right."

You chanced a glance back at Joaquin who was still talking to Sam before turning back around and placing your hands on your hips. "I'm calling Ayo."

You were running early.

Not to any event in particular, but just for the general course of your day. It was rare for you to wake up to your first alarm so completely refreshed, and with a fully awake brain, you found it much easier to navigate the morning. You were able to get dressed without crawling back in bed for a few more minutes, and didn't have to battle with sleepy indecision when choosing what you wanted to eat for breakfast.

One thing after another just continued to roll your way, leading you to the gym much earlier than usual.

And that's where the luck stopped.

Or maybe it didn't stop. But it definitely took a turn. Because while you fully expected someone else to be in the gym already, you hadn't expected just one person to be in the gym. And even if you had, you wouldn't have guessed that that one person would be Joaquin. And if, for some reason, you'd had the foresight to sense that, you definitely never would have pictured him to be running on the treadmill shirtless.

You stopped in your tracks, eyes falling to the bouncing dog tags on his chest and then lower to the well defined abs you'd somehow never seen before.

It felt like you'd seen just about every man in this compound shirtless. At some point, they all seemed to strip in the gym or during one of your group training classes you ran for those who weren't field agents. Bucky was shirtless half the time you worked together. It was so normal, you hardly even blinked an eye anymore. Seeing Sam without a shirt was more rare and quite the sight, but it'd never caught your breath quite like seeing Joaquin. Joaquin, who had never so much as worn a tank top in the gym, Joaquin.

And now here he was, chest bare and heaving, feet pounding rhythmically against the treadmill, hair still messy from his pillow and sweat. Your brain couldn't seem to function correctly, offering you images of the sight before you, only closer. Much closer. Hovering inches over your stretched out body as the headboard behind you rammed into the wall with the force of each thrust--

"Hey," Joaquin greeted, noticing you standing off to the side. You blinked, heat rushing to your face as he turned the treadmill down to a more leisurely pace. "Something wrong with my form?"

It was tempting to lie and offer to "help him fix it." Or to be completely honest and tell him you'd never seen a human form as perfect as his.

But neither of those responses were professional or even appropriate, and you needed this job.

You swallowed, shaking your head. "No, I was just wondering why you were wearing those," you said, gesturing to his dog tags, and allowing your eyes to fall to his chest once more. You followed a bead of sweat as it rolled down his body, heading to the waistband of his shorts. Joaquin reached to touch his tags, causing them to jingle together once more and pull your attention up to him.

"It's hard to let them go," he smiled, ruefully, hitting the button so the belt slowed even more. "I'd say it's a habit, putting them on, but at this point they're just like a part of me."

You nodded, wishing you'd taken this conversation anywhere but to the idea of dog tags and what they stood for. It wasn't so much a mood killer but a guilt inducer because instead of you feeling embarrassed and somber, all you wanted to do was grab them and pull him closer to you.

He must have read the conflict on your face because he gave a crooked smile. "Yeah, sorry, it's kinda morbid."

"No," you shook your head, clearing it of the daydream induced fog. "I probably shouldn't have asked."

"No, nah, it's cool," his smile grew into grin, as the belt came to a stop. He leaned his forearms against the console, staring at you as if waiting for you to continue the conversation. Which you were not equipped to do with a smiling and shirtless and sweaty Joaquin Torres right before you.

"Well, thanks for being cool about it," you said with a nod.

My God, something was wrong with you. They were just abs. And sure, maybe the abs belonged to the man who not only found the time to moonlight as a superhero but star in your increasingly dirty dreams of late, but it was just a body party that you'd seen a million times.

But never on Joaquin.

You blamed everything your brain was doing to you on Bucky and all of his stupid comments about Joaquin's supposed fixation on your ass. You wondered what he would say if he could see you now. "And I thought I was half machine. I could practically see your brain short circuiting." or "If that's what you're like when you see him half-naked, how are you ever going to--"

"Yeah, of course," Joaquin said, still smiling, his eyes lifting up over your shoulder as the other door to the gym opened and Sam came in. "Hey," he greeted with a jerk of his chin.

"Hey," Sam said, drawing closer, his eyes on you. You forced a smile on to your own face, and lifted a hand, not trusting anything that was coming out of your mouth.

"You're here early," the other man said, stepping onto the treadmill next to Joaquin's, and putting his water bottle down next to the machine.

Both of them were looking at you now, and it's not like you could handle staying in this gym any longer. "I came down looking for my water bottle. I think I left it here yesterday."

Sam raised his eyebrows glancing around the gym, and Joaquin stepped down off of the machine. "Do you want help looking for it?" he asked, and your whole body seemed to tense up at the idea, your brain transporting you to a future scenario where the two of you wandered around the room, Joaquin next to you or behind you, so close you could feel the heat radiating off of him, all the while searching for a water bottle that was sitting on your dresser.

"No." Your voice came out too high, but you tried to play it off, shaking your head. "I've already interrupted your workout enough. It's either by the weights or not in here."

"Alright," he nodded. "If you need any help looking around the compound though, let me know."

"Thanks," you said. And then you gave another stupid wave and beelined it for the weight racks because you had to get out of here.

You made a show of looking next to each section of weights, even bending over to check underneath of them as if it could have been knocked under somewhere. After you felt an appropriate amount of time had passed to be convincing, you straightened up, empty handed. You turned back to Joaquin and Sam, both watching you rather than continuing their workouts as you might have hoped.

"Not here," you called back with a shrug and then left the gym and headed straight up to your shower.

He was nothing if not predictable.

The minute Y/N bent over to check behind the weight rack, his eyes were glued to her. Or perhaps more accurately, the bright teal spandex shorts she wore. As she pulled herself back up from searching for her water bottle and turned to them, Joaquin quickly looked to Sam as if the two had been talking the whole time and then "casually" returned to her.

"Not here!" she said, shrugging and then walking out of the gym, her footsteps quick and purposeful as she left through the door Sam had just entered by.

"So, what'd I interrupt?"

Joaquin looked up at Sam as if remembering he was there. "What?"

"You know, when the two of you were sitting by this machine making eyes at each other? Did you actually say anything to her or….?"

Joaquin shook his head. "No, she just came in and, uh, we chatted for a second, and then…" he trailed off, as if not fully remembering any of the past ten, twenty, however many minutes.

"You just chatted," Sam repeated, the disbelief on his face edging into his voice.

"Yeah," Joaquin nodded.

"Anywhere in this chat you finally ask her out?"

"Nah, it didn't feel right."

"It didn't--she was practically taking off the other half of your clothes with her eyes," Sam sputtered, gesturing to Joaquin's shorts.

The kid laughed and shook his head as if Sam didn't know what he was talking about. Joaquin moved to exit the gym as well. "I'll see you later, man," he said, leaving a very exasperated Sam behind.

Bucky Barnes was a motherfucking liar.

"Let's grab a drink on Friday," he said.

"Consider it me making it up to you for being such a pain in your ass," he said.

"I'll buy," he said.

Mothefucker.

This wasn't just you and your favorite co-worker getting a drink. This was a goddamn set up. Because one hour and three mojitos into the night, Sam and Joaquin walked in the front door.

"I fucking hate you," you said, glaring up at his stupid smug face.

"Well, what a surprise, he grinned, as you shook a finger up at him.

"I told you in confidence I'm a flirty drunk."

He snorted, giving you a look out the side of his eyes. "You told me you were a flirty drunk after you sent me several highly inappropriate drunk text messages about what you wanted to do to a certain Lieutenant, who," the self-satisfied smile was back on Bucky's face. "Is making his way over to us right now."

"When I get home, I swear to God, I'm buying you a ticket to Wakanda."

Bucky quirked an eyebrow. "You're not going to do it now?"

"I didn't bring my credit card because you said you were paying," you huffed.

Before Bucky could respond, Sam and Joaquin were next to the two of you, greeting Bucky with hand slaps and one armed hugs. Sam came around and wrapped an arm around you first before sliding into the seat next to Bucky, and Joaquin came forward, giving you a quick hug.

Which was a first.

More than the feeling of his back underneath your palm, or the way he seemed to emanate warmth, you were done in by how absolutely incredible he smelled. But before you could fully identify whether it was his shampoo, a cologne, or just him, he pulled away and took the only other available seat near the group--the one next to you.

"I see you started without us," Sam said, raising his eyebrows at the assortment of glasses that sat before you. Most of them were Bucky's as he downed beers faster than should have been humanly possible.

"Hard drinker, huh Y/N," Joaquin teased, shooting you a smile.

"Pfft," you dismissed. "Only three are mine."

"Three?" Sam asked, leaning forward to better look at you. "How long have you been here?"

"An hour," you said, completely unnecessarily leaning forward too.

Bucky shrugged. "I got the time wrong."

"Guess we better catch up then," Joaquin said, and you sank back into your chair, narrowing your eyes at him in challenge.

"If you can."

They did.

You were outpaced fairly quickly against the two soldiers and one super soldier. The rum-induced fuzziness around the edges of your brain was compounded by having Joaquin so close to you. At some point he'd pulled his chair a bit closer to yours so that he could better hear the conversation, and you don't remember when it happened, but his arm had also slid around the back of your chair. To your relief neither Bucky nor Sam seemed to acknowledge this. In fact, Bucky was positively quiet and normal all things considered. Everything was going better than you could have expected.

Until the music kicked up.

Sam was the first to be dragged onto the dance floor. He was Captain America. Of course he'd been targeted by the stunning girl in the red dress who'd only had to come up and ask "Does Captain America dance?" to succeed in pulling him off to the dance floor.

Bucky was next. Although he wasn't tugged onto the dance floor by his hand the way Sam was. It was the sight of the person in the tight black number that did him in, luring him away to the dance as if drawn by a magnet.

And then it was you and Joaquin, sitting at the bar. Alone. Together.

You looked up from your drink, pushing the straw down into the ice to stir up the clinking sounds, and he took a swig of his beer before putting the bottle back down on the bar.

"Alright, let's dance," he said, nodding with his head towards the crowd, and you let out a disbelieving snort.

"I don't know how to dance. I mean, I can dance," you attempted to clarify, although you had a feeling words were failing you at the moment. "But that's real dancing, and I can't do that."

"I guess you're lucky you have a really good teacher asking you to dance then," Joaquin grinned, holding out a hand. You looked down at his open palm, hesitating only for a second before you slid your hand into his and jumped down from your chair.

He led you out through the moving bodies expertly, dodging couples who were clearly more into the dancing than each other and couples where the complete opposite was true. The small bit of space he found you was closer to the center of the dance floor than you'd usually feel comfortable with, but when he turned towards you with that look on his face, any of your residual anxiety had vanished.

"Ok, come close," he said, and you took a small step closer to him, causing him to laugh. "Closer." He gestured, and you moved forward some more, Joaquin's hands finding their way to your hips and pulling you even closer. His hands rose, one finding its way to your mid-back, pushing your elbow up to rest on his, as the other took your hand and placed it over shoulder.

"This ok?" he asked, eyebrows raised, and you nodded, trying to keep your attention on him, his instructions and his words, and not the way that you could feel just about every part of him from the way he was angled against you. His right side was flush against your left, and his knee pushed between yours.

"Just follow me," he said, his head bent close to yours. Before you could even respond, he started to move, pulling you along with him through the dance. It was smooth and rolling and you'd never seen a guy able to roll his hips like Joaquin. He seemed to know exactly how to guide you, moving his body to push and pull yours along whenever you hesitated or felt lost, coaxing waves and movements out of you that you didn't know you could do. Each success was met with a small word of praise and a brilliant smile, as his hands shifted to hold you closer, and you wrapped your own hand around his neck to better feel and predict his movements.

It felt as if a fog had rolled in over the dancefloor, obstructing all else from view so it was just you and Joaquin, eyes locked to each other as you moved together, occupying the same space.

The song faded into the next one, and Joaquin stopped. You went to move backwards, to give him space and have him move on as many other of the more skilled dancing couples seemed to do, switching partners amongst each other. But he kept you close to him, hand sliding down to your waist.

"Now you can really dance," he teased, his eyes shining as they stared into yours.

"Only with you." It was supposed to be a self-deprecating joke, but it came out too quiet and earnest. Joaquin licked his lips, and your eyes followed the gesture, flickering between his mouth and his eyes.

You don't remember making the decision. You only remember, moving even further into his arms, and pushing yourself up to reach his lips with your own. He bent down to meet you, pulling you even closer and pressing his hard body into yours. His lips moved as slowly and sensually as his hips had, drawing you in and guiding you through a careful rhythm that promised much, much more.

Sam sat with Bucky at the bar. Joaquin and Y/N had disappeared somewhere amongst the dance floor, hidden amongst the crowd.

"You think it worked?" Bucky asked, raising an eyebrow at Sam.

"If it didn't we're screwed," Sam shook his head, taking a swig from his drink.

As if on cue, the two emerged from the swaying bodies, hand in hand, sweaty and much happier than they had been when Sam had left them at the bar.

"We're gonna head back to the compound," Joaquin said with practiced casualness.

"Yeah?" Bucky asked, and Sam swore there was mischief literally glinting in his eyes.

"Yeah," Joaquin nodded too fast and too many times. "Yeah, Y/N forgot about something there…"

"What'd you forget?" Bucky asked, turning to Y/N with a wolfish smile.

"Nothing. We're going to have sex," Y/N said, flatly, causing Sam to nearly spit out his drink. "And if you say one more word, I know a pilot who will fly you to Wakanda himself. No ticket needed."

Bucky mimicked zippering his lips into a smug look, and she rolled her eyes before tugging Joaquin out of the bar by his hand. And he followed. Eyes glued to her ass.

[valentina-writes]

Craving

A/N: Sorry, that I haven't posted in quite a while! I was lacking motivation a little bit and had a ton of other stuff to do. This one here was not requested, but the idea for it was stuck in my head for a couple days now and I couldn't concentrate on writing anything else. I will probably write some of the open requests soon.

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: light smut (only a few paragraphs)

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„Come on, Y/N, we‘re waiting for you!”. Cassian’s voice is calling out to you from the dance floor. Behind him, you spot Mor, looking seriously offended you’re leaving her alone and instead sitting in a corner of Rita’s with a not even half-finished drink in your hand. Rhys and Feyre must be here somewhere too.

Even Azriel is on the dance floor, a rare sight. You can’t help but stare at him, the way his wings glow faintly in the glimmering lights of the club. His body that moves so flawlessly to the rhythm, so unlike the movements you are used to see him perform when training.

Fingers entangled in your hair, the hot feeling of his lips on yours. His voice in your ear, telling you he would take you slowly.

You shake your head as if to get rid of the memory, but still blush as Azriel’s gaze meets yours for a second.

“I’m sorry guys, but I don’t feel like dancing today”, you excuse yourself. That being said, you set down your glass and quickly escape out into the night.

Inhaling the cold air slowly, you try to calm down. It’s not his fault, you remind yourself, that you can’t seem to get over him. That you start thinking in an inappropriate way as soon as your eyes meet.

His lips met your neck, kissing and sucking on it. You couldn’t help but lean into his touch, your body begging for him to come closer. As his kisses travel downward you cannot help but moan out his name.

“Y/N is everything okay?”, Mor calls out to you. The fantasy in your head is gone, leaving you restless, yearning for him.

“Yes, I’m fine”, you say, not looking up.

“No, you’re not and you know that”. She’s close enough to see your face now. “What’s wrong?”, she asks. Her eyes soften as she hugs you. Mor must have seen your despair.

“I- it’s nothing, really”. At her strict look, you wince a little bit. You want to tell her. But it’s just so embarrassing.

“I had sex. With Azriel”, you start over, taking a deep breath. But before you can continue, she exclaims: “By the Mother, that’s awesome! When? Why didn’t you tell me?”.

A tear builds up in your eye and before you know it, you’re crying into her shoulder.

“It- it… it was a couple years ago”, you finally manage to say. By now all you can really feel is embarrassment. “And it’s not awesome. Well, it was. But-“. You start sobbing again.

“It was a one-night stand. He… acts as if nothing ever happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it and whenever he looks at me, I-“. You stop talking. It sounds absolutely idiotic, even to you.

But Mor doesn’t look bewildered. Instead, she hugs you even tighter, rubbing your back slightly.

“What happens then, sweetie?”, she asks.

Sighing, you gulp down your embarrassment: “I miss him. A lot. He’s still there, of course. But afterwards he stopped talking to me the way he did before. We’re not as close anymore. And above all I not only miss our friendship …”, your cheeks heat up again, “Since him I’ve never had sex THAT good again, so I stopped having any altogether. And now I’m not only missing him and kind of into him, I’m also sexually frustrated and lonely”.

You did have sex with other males in the succeeding weeks. But none of them had been able to give you the same feeling he did. That indescribable feeling of closure and … being loved. Even though he most likely didn’t love you, because it took him a month to even look at you again.

Mor’s face is a mix of amusement and empathy: “Like… no sex in years? For a guy who fucked you so good but then what? Ignored you? Even though there was this feeling that nobody else could give you?”. You nod, and she actually starts laughing. “Honey, if you weren’t that sad it would be hilarious, because it sure as hell sounds like he’s your mate”.

Your entire world shifts in that moment.

Your sweaty bodies are tangled in his sheets, gasping for air. Azriel’s shadows swirling around you, purring in your ears. With his final thrust, the world around you seems to fade away. There’s just him and you, for a second you don’t even know where his body ends and yours begins anymore.

Shocked, you look at her. “I… that kind of makes sense? But he would’ve talked to me then, wouldn’t he? I … I’m so confused right now”.

Your thoughts are running wild. Was this the reason he ignored you? Because he was overwhelmed? Was he waiting for you to make the first step? Or… Or was he not interested in the bond and wanted to reject it?

“Y/N? Mor? Is everything alright? Rhys told me to look after you, you’ve been gone for quite a while now”. You quickly wipe away your tears at Azriel’s voice. What should you tell him?

Mor winks at you, already making her way back towards the entrance: “Everything alright, shadowsinger. You might want to stay and talk to Y/N for a second though”.

And just like that, Mor vanishes, leaving me alone with Azriel. His wings are slightly shuffling behind his back and his gaze on me looks worried.

“So, uhm what did Mor mean?”. His shadows are coiling closely around his arms, showing how uncomfortable he is.

You inhale slowly, making sense of your thoughts. You find no good solution, so you just decide to start at the beginning.

“A couple of years ago we… after a celebration for you when you came home from a mission we had sex. Do you remember?”. It was almost painful to say this while watching him. Not only was the atmosphere incredibly tense, but also the possibility of him actually having forgotten about it made you sad.

He frowned a little, “I do remember, Y/N. Quite well, actually. But I don’t get what you’re trying to tell me”. For a second, you believe to see a certain hunger in his eyes. An expression you had only seen once on him before.

Nodding, you continue, “There was this… this feeling back then. Something I’ve never felt before. And nobody else has been able to make me feel the same way. I told Mor about it…”

You can’t finish your sentence, he cuts in sharply, “Why are you telling Mor this after years?”. And to himself, almost inaudible, he murmurs, “Don’t think about the other males”. The anger on his face is devastating.

You are absolutely terrified, but know you have to tell him. So, you muster up all of your courage and speek the words aloud that had been on your mind ever since, “Because I am in love with you. Because I don’t know what I should do about this, as you’re so distant all the time. And I cannot take this anymore, I miss you. I hate seeing you with other females. When I can’t fall asleep I think about this connection I felt that night”.

The pure shock on his face quickly gives way to a broad smile. “And what Mor meant is that… when I talked to her and described that feeling to her, she said we are most probably mates”. The last word is purely a whisper hanging in the air between you two. Mates.

And then, without hesitation, he begins to talk. “The first time I felt the bond was about two weeks before that night, when I said goodbye to you before that mission. It was so painful to leave you behind…”

“Hold up, you knew of the bond?”, you question him. Guilt creeps upon his face. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you ignore me for weeks after we had sex? Do you know what this did to me? All these years and you didn’t bother to just talk to me?”. Hot tears again spill over your cheeks.

He comes closer, as to wipe your tears away, but you back away.

“Y/N, I thought you didn’t want the bond. That you rejected it. Or worse, that it was only one-sided, because I couldn’t feel you across it. Rhys told me that the safest way to know was to just sleep with you, because then the bond normally clears up, but it didn’t work. At least I thought so”. The look on his face is pleading, but still, all you feel is anger and loneliness.

“So you only slept with me because Rhys told you so?”.

“No! I did it, because I love you and wanted you, truly. I still wished that the mating bond would reveal itself. And when I thought that it hadn’t worked, I couldn’t bear to be around you. I was so angry at the Cauldron, because I felt unworthy. Again. Imagine being in my situation. Having a mate, but the bond not working completely, the other person unaware of what’s going on! I did what I had to do to protect myself”.

The vulnerability in his statement catches you absolutely off guard. A small smile formed on your face, as you walk a few steps towards him.

“Maybe we weren’t ready back then. Maybe it kept us waiting, because it knew we would need the time to work things out”, you suggest, closing the distance between you and him.

His eyes twinkle in the starlight, as he lowers his head, “Well, there’s only one way of finding out”, he says as he cradles your head in his hands. Slowly, he comes closer and closer, until you can’t endure the tension anymore and slam your lips on his.

His lips are velvet on yours, only intensifying the kiss after a few seconds. He holds himself back, almost painfully so. But you are yearning for him, for his touch. And as you licked his lower lip and he grants you access to his mouth, you felt it again. The euphoria racing through your veins. And as you kept kissing, it was as if a fog lifts itself and all of a sudden you can feel him, not only against your body, but also against your soul, interlocking with it.

He must have felt the same thing, as we both gasp for air almost at the same time. Azriel’s mouth twists into a smile as he kisses me again. His wings are now wrapped around you, obscuring you from any passers-by.

“I’ve waited 500 years to find you, my mate”, he says. The word echoing through me. Mate. Mate. Mate. You still can’t believe this is actually happening, as you send a wave of love across the bond. “But I would have waited 500 more for you. For this moment alone”.

At this, you kiss him again, unable to express your emotions any other way. “Let’s end this journey how we began it, shall we? With me in your bed”.