#canadian ketchup taste funny

[sturdy-nerdy-stitchery]

I am knitting in a Canadian Starbucks with @dragoon811 until bulk Barn opens and I can buy candy! The baby is sleeping...for now...

[skamenglishsubs]

Subtext and Culture, Young Royals, Season 1, Episode 2

Episode 2 picks up the morning day after the initiation party, the girls are having breakfast lunch at their dorm, the boys at theirs, and everyone wants the juicy details about what happened at the party...

Culture: Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far? Although, it's pretty funny how the roles are reversed, Maddie is all "meh" about it, while Nils tells a different story. Then again, since when do you get together after a blowjob?

Culture: I actually have no idea why Simon is having breakfast at Skogsbacken, since regular schools only cover lunch for students, everyone eats breakfast at home, and then goes to school. Then again, it allows a scene where (Never mind, they're having lunch, thanks @kamand !) Blink and you miss it: Wilhelm casts some nervous glances at Simon after having been called out for disappearing at the party and almost forced to confess to making out with someone.

Culture: I know Felice is trying to put August down, but don't knock a proper Swedish pizza! As much as I like living in the US, they can't fucking make pizzas here, and the first thing I eat every time I go back to Sweden is always a real pizza. With pineapple and shrimp as God intended pizza to be made!

Culture: August is namedropping ski resorts in the Alps, which is where you go skiing in Europe if you have money, although Saint-Martin-de-Belleville is actually near Val Thorens in France, while Verbier is in Switzerland. It does have a three-star restaurant, though. Sweden and Norway have a couple of decent ski resorts, but the Scandinavian mountain chain is simply not as impressive as the Alps.

Subtext: Remember Wilhelm getting up and hurrying to math class in the beginning of the scene? It was so he could grab the other seat next to Simon, because he knows Simon is gonna sit next to Sara, since no-one else does.

Culture: Formally greeting your teacher before class is very uncommon in Sweden, but since Hillerska is all about discipline and tradition, of course they do it. Note that they're again using the formal Swedish title for male teachers, Magister, which in a regular school would be kind of a joke, since teachers and students are on a first-name basis with each other.

Subtext: Wilhelm is exposing how the world works if you have money. At Simon's old school, studying alone would result in good grades, but Hillerska is slightly corrupt and almost expects the students to essentially pay for getting a good grade.

Subtext: Simon is lying to his teacher, he absolutely hasn't talked to his parents about paying for private lessons.

Subtext: No, Sara absolutely does care about what other people think about her, and when she directly tells Felice that she would actually like some friends, that's when Felice gets it and starts making an effort to become real friends with her.

Culture: They're all bilingual at Simon's home, they're all speaking Spanish and Swedish, although Linda has a very noticeable accent to her Swedish. Based on demographics and statistics, the most likely scenario is that Linda immigrated to Sweden from Chile, met Micke, and started a family. In real life, Omar Rudberg was born in Venezuela and grew up in Sweden, while Carmen Gloria Pérez was born in New York, and grew up in Puerto Rico.

Subtext: Remember how I talked in the intro post about how distant social classes know nothing of each other? Ayub and Rosh are either working class or lower middle class like Simon, and since rowing is a typical upper class sport, they know nothing of it, they don't even think of it as a real sport. Unlike football, which is a proper working class sport, they know all about that!

Subtext: Scandinavia has Jantelagen, and everyone there thinks it's uniquely Scandinavian, but all countries have some form of Tall Poppy Syndrome. In this scene, Simon is starting to make a class journey, he started rowing, he started trying to fit in with the other upper-class kids, and getting into a relationship with someone as upper-class as Wilhelm would definitely move him all the way. But going on a journey means leaving things behind, which is why Rosh and Ayub are cutting him down and literally turning their backs on him. They like it in the small town of Bjärstad, why can't he be happy there too? Why is he betraying his roots?

Subtext: This comment from August nicely foreshadows a later episode when August does something traceable on a School computer...

Subtext: What August means is that he's not sure Wilhelm has the same desire to be accultured into the upper class, to play the part of a proper prince, in the same way that he and Erik have accepted their roles and are even enjoying them.

Culture: Although it's impossible to read the name of the medicine, the paper tag on the bottle indicates that it's some kind of prescription medicine. From the conversation with Vincent, we learn that it's some kind of ADHD medication, probably some kind of Dextroamphetamine since those improve athletic ability and cognitive functions in healthy people.

Culture: Birkenstock sandals are associated with hippies in Sweden as well as in many parts of the world, so August is actually saying that the school counselor isn't really part of the same upper-class society as the rest of the staff. And again, his use of the word sosse drives the point home.

Subtext: Consequently, the counselor sees right through August and refuses to immediately prescribe him the medication that he wants...

Subtext: ...even though August tries to both bribe him and threaten him into giving him the medication he wants.

Subtext: A big theme of this episode is class journeys, and in this scene and a previous exercise scene, August gushes about how good a thing that is, how proud he is of Simon for going on one, and spouts some crap about how everyone can make it if they really want to.

Subtext: Thankfully, Madison says what we're all thinking: August is full of shit, life isn't fair, and they're only at the school because they were born into privilege.

Blink and you miss it: After Wilhelm has nervously texted his crush for the first time, he starts to bite his fingernails, but quickly stops himself, because why would he be nervous? He's just texting another boy about rowing practice, there's nothing more to it!

Subtext: Simon's texting game is on point though, he knows exactly what he should write to get Wilhelm to go on a totally-not-a-date with him.

Subtext: In the same way that August couldn't convince the counselor about being sick, I don't think Wilhelm's atrocious acting here convinces August that he's sick either.

Culture: Public transport in the greater Stockholm area - or wherever we're supposed to be - is of course cash-less, and you pay by either charging a special card, or by signing up in their app and buying tickets through there. The point of this scene though is to drive home how Wilhelm has never ever had to take the bus before in his life, and therefore has no idea how it works.

Culture: The totally-not-a-date starts at a Circle K, which in Sweden is just another gas station, but it is actually a Canadian multi-national convenience store corporation. The price of gas is of course posted in kr/l, and 13.98kr/l corresponds to roughly $6/gal.

Subtext: Throughout the totally-not-a-date, Wilhelm is trying to reach for common ground with Simon, trying to show him how he's just a regular guy...

Subtext: ...but then real life intrudes, Wilhelm is recognized by some local girls, who call out to him and run away giggling, which shows how he's not a regular guy, he's going to get recognized wherever he goes.

Culture: Kokt eller grillat, boiled or grilled, are the two ways you can get your hot-dog at pretty much any hot-dog place in Sweden, and ketchup and mustard is always offered. The correct answer to this question is of course grilled, with ketchup and mustard, and this just shows that Wilhelm is a man of culture and good taste. Unfortunately, they were out grilled ones, so they all got boring soggy boiled hot-dogs instead. Is there a metaphor here? I don't know.

Subtext: Again, the show drives home the point that absolutely no-one has a problem with people being gay. Simon is clearly out to Ayub and the rest of his friends, and Ayub immediately picks up on the fact that this is totally a date.

Blink and you miss it: Ayub nudges Simon with his elbow to tell him that he should make a move on Wilhelm.

Culture: What we're looking at is just the local junior/high school football team, Bjärstad, playing a match against some other unnamed junior football team. Since the stakes are super low, the audience basically consists of whichever parents and friends of the players that could be bothered showing up.

Culture: Driving age is 18 in Sweden, and even then getting your own car at that age is extremely uncommon. However, you can easily get a license for a moped when you turn 15, so these are the vehicles of choice for teenagers to get around.

Subtext: August found out about Wilhelm's trip to town, but his main problem with it is that he wants Wilhelm to stop slumming it with lower class people, and to start hanging out with everyone at school instead, so that he can be properly accultured into the upper class. Again, sosse in this context means working class, not socialist.

Subtext: Although Simon felt really great about his first date with Wilhelm, the text message reminds him that Wilhelm isn't a regular person, and that even this innocent little trip generates interest and scrutiny, and can't be posted publicly.

Culture: As everyone should have noticed by now, Madison keeps speaking English, while everyone speaks to her in Swedish, so clearly she understands it. But here she gives her motivation for sticking to English, and that is that she doesn't feel she's good enough at speaking Swedish. Boarding schools like Hillerska attracts international students that have some kind of connection to the country, so a likely scenario is that Madison grew up in the US with a Swedish parent, and she's being sent here to experience Swedish culture and get immersed in the language to learn it better.

Cinematography: This shot of August drives really home all the pressure he is under, he's out of drugs, the headmistress just hinted that he's out of money, and he's literally being weighed down by books and work-out weights.

Subtext: Simon has kept his visits to Micke a secret from Sara, so here he has to intervene to make sure August doesn't accidentally reveal this to her. He also wants to protect his sister, so he's redirecting August's search for drugs onto himself.

Subtext: And on the flipside, Simon isn't really telling his dad that Sara still hates him and really doesn't want to see him, so he's vague when Micke asks about Sara and Linda.

Culture: Finally a bottle of medicine where we can read the label! Unfortunately for Simon, this is Tramadol, an opiate prescribed for pain relief, which is the complete opposite of the kind of drugs August wants.

Subtext: If you haven't figured out yet that this episode is about class journeys, August spells it out for us here. However, the reason he's "congratulating" Simon in front of everybody is because Simon just supplied him with more drugs, so this is his way of thanking him, since he can't really pay him.

Blink and you miss it: For a split second, Wilhelm grabs Simon's leg during the scary scene.

Subtext: The entire dialogue of the movie works as subtext for what's actually going on between Wilhelm and Simon at this point, and Wilhelm is getting a little freaked out by this sneaky display of affection.

Subtext: The movie also puts words on the implications of Wilhelm getting together with a boy, what about having kids in the future? Can you carry on your family name and traditions, or will they die with you?

Lost in translation: The plaque actually says "FEEL YOUR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE HERITAGE". Even though the plaque means the heritage and legacy of the school itself, Wilhelm is thinking about his legacy, his heritage, and how getting together with Simon would threaten that.

Lost in translation: Wilhelm actually says "jag är inte en..." - "I'm not a..." before he stops himself. So it's not possible that he was trying to say "I'm not gay", because that doesn't work grammatically in Swedish either. He could be trying to say "I'm not a guy like that" or "I'm not a guy who likes guys", that would work.

Cinematography: The framing and silhouetting of this shot is just chef's kiss. The outline of their hair allows us to see who is who, and we can see from their poses that Simon is welcoming a kiss, while Wilhelm is still hesitating.

[rainbowsky]

Taste Test: Bubly and Chinese Lay's

For a bit of a change of pace, I figured I'd write about some snacks I recently tried.

Apparently these are the two most popular Lay's flavors in China, so they've been made permanently available here.

As we all know GG is a snack lover, and he especially loves Lay's chips. He used to endorse them a while back and there have been occasional rumors that he'll be endorsing them again (they never materialize into anything).

I've seen photos of GG eating cucumber Lay's in the past, but unfortunately I couldn't find any for this post.

Here's one of his old ads.

The man can make even chocolate covered potato chips look appetizing.

I am actually glad that he doesn't endorse Lay's anymore, because I have a weakness for Lay's potato chips and I don't need any extra excuses to indulge!

Western Paranoia

They really want the consumer to know: while these are Chinese flavors, they are made in Canada! Don't worry, honorable Canadian, these were made in a trusted Canadian factory with trusted Canadian ingredients, not in some shady Chinese factory where who-knows-what is being thrown into the mix! 😅

Cucumber Lay's

These chips were a real shocker. I don't know what I was expecting, but these look like sour cream and onion chips, and they taste... like cucumbers. Not like pickles or marinated cucumbers or something, but like cucumbers plucked fresh out of the garden.

They also smell very strongly of fresh cucumbers, the moment the bag is opened. I found it off-putting.

...

I respect that these chips exist, but I wouldn't choose to eat them. 😅

My partner, on the other hand, has already devoured half the bag. I'm at least glad they won't be going to waste!

Verdict: 1/5 🏞️🏗️🏗️🏗️🏗️

Chicken and Tomato Lay's

Chicken and tomato... I was trying to think of any occasion in my cooking where I would put these two ingredients together, and I really couldn't. Maybe in a chicken taco or something? Or Chicken Parmesan (which I'd probably never make)? It seems such an odd flavor combination to me for some reason.

These taste exactly like tomato and chicken, and it's surprisingly good. The chicken flavor is savoury and the tomato flavor is a bit sweeter, so those who are into the whole 'sweet and salty' thing might really enjoy these.

My only complaint is that they are a bit too sweet for my taste (sweet in the way store-bought ketchup is sweet, as opposed to sweet like candy). I am much more into savoury flavors than sweets, and this was just a bit over the edge of sweetness to where I don't think I could eat many of these.

Verdict: 2/5 🐞🐞🪳🪳🪳

Blackberry Bubly

Wow, I was NOT expecting how amazing this would be. It is fresh and fruity with absolutely no sweetness. It smells as good as it tastes, too, and fills the air with the refreshing smell of berries.

I have always scoffed at the idea of paying for what is just flavored club soda. It seems perverse and excessive in some strange way. But when I tried this I immediately knew that I was going to be buying more Bubly, without a doubt.

And then I reflected on it some more and realized, pretty much everything we drink, whether tea, coffee, ginger ale or whiskey is all just flavored water in the end.

The fact that this is really simply flavored is a feature, not a bug.

I love that there is a delicious, refreshing fizzy drink option that has no sugar and absolutely no sweetness (nor any chemicals or food colorings). Bright and clean and flavorful. This will be perfect in the summer.

The funny thing is, I don't even like blackberry. At least, that's what I thought before I tried this. Blackberry wouldn't have been my first choice by any stretch of the imagination. But the only single cans available were blackberry and lime and I felt lime was too generic a flavor to really get the 'Bubly experience'. After all, club soda with lime is something I'd probably normally drink in the summer.

But the blackberry is absolutely delicious. So fruity and refreshing.

I can now confidently buy the grapefruit Bubly I've been eyeing every time I'm at the grocery store. I'm sure I'll drink every can. Maybe I'll post about it once I've given it a try...

Verdict: 4/5 🛼🛼🛼🛼⛸️

Anyway, hope this was interesting. If I come across anything else that I think is relevant, especially if it's something GG and DD endorse, I'll try to do something like this again.

[knickknacksnack]

I do not understand British snack foods

* Going back to the vaults and the time I raided a UK import store for intriguing British snacks. This was when I was still living on the North Shore, so I’m pretty sure it was one of West Vancouver’s many many many UK-themed shops because ex-pats & their descendents have more Britishy Britishness than the original print. (First place for Britishesquity in Canada surely goes to VIctoria, which is basically Britain, but with government workers and totem poles.)

SMITHS FRAZZLES CRISPY BACON FLAVOUR CORN SNACKS

I definitely smell bacon flavour when I open the package - emphasis on bacon flavour. And coffee for some reason, but perhaps that's a phantom association. The pieces look more cornish than bacony, although I see how they went out of their way to artificially colour, in barely visible strips, the cornish pieces so that they faintly resemble bacon. (Maybe peameal bacon that’s extremely heavy on the peameal?) They do taste like bacon . . . very, very salty bacon. I had to drink two cups of water and eat an apple to cleanse my palate afterwards to stave off hypertension. The ingredient list and nutritional information isn't horrible, but it isn't good either. (Saved again by decent sized packaging!) And this bacon snack is suitable for vegetarians! Hooray?

SKIPS TINGLY PRAWN COCKTAIL

There are several reasons why I picked this up, the primary one being the curious absence of a qualifying noun: tingly prawn cocktail . . . . what, exactly? The byline reads “flavour” but “Tingly Prawn Cocktail Flavour” isn’t much help. I'm pretty sure it's not JUST prawn cocktail inside this bag. No such elucidation on the back of the package** - just a playful font announcing that "Skips are the fizzy, light and melty tongue tingly snack. Experience the tingle, balance a Skip on your tongue and let it melt in your mouth!" So that's the second reason why I picked this up: all the "tingly" claims. If this is basically prawn Pop Rocks, then Skips gets +100 points for sheer WTF gusto.

When I open the bag, a familiar scent wafts upwards. It smells . . . . like fish. Fried fish, to be more specific. It smells like a fish & chip kitchen. How they even managed to scent these with seafood AND grease is impressive, though probably not what they were looking for.

Looking at the chips, they look very much like a shrimp cracker. They are totally a shrimp cracker, and the tingliness is merely the dry cracker sucking all the moisture off one's tongue as it dissolves into a very, very, very faint shrimp cocktail-flavoured wad of goo in your mouth. One day, ONE DAY, snack bags are going to live up to their hype. I hold on to hope as I scrape off my tongue.

**Afterwards, in very teeny tiny font, I find my answer: "prawn cocktail flavour tapioca snack". Okay. Well. I see why they left that off the front.

SMITHS SCAMPI FLAVOUR FRIES

"Cereal snack with a delicious scampi and lemon taste," announces the bag. I have no idea what scampi is, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t belong in cereal. I do know it’s an inherently funny word Monty Python used a lot, so I couldn’t resist giving these a try. It tastes of lemon and fish, with a small hint of spice. Surprisingly, they’re quite good. I don’t know how wheat flour and soybean oil can be made to taste like fried fish, but that’s human progress, I suppose. "Scampi" is nowhere in the list of ingredients, but I can ignore my inklings of worry and just enjoy them. At least it’s not tapioca goo.

WALKERS FAMOUSLY WORCESTER SAUCE CHIPS/CRISPS

Fun fact: Britons, in ongoing efforts not to pronounce half the letters in any given place name, have erroneously identified “Worcestershire sauce” as “Worcester sauce”. I can already feel the anger rising and angry comments about to rain down on my ignorant Canadian butt, so I shall direct you the Worcestershireshricesterians themselves. CHECKMATE, BRIT-CHES!

WorcesterSHIRE sauce smells like dirty socks at the bottom of a gym bag, tastes like I don't know because recipes only call for small amounts of it and I'm not sure that I've ever tasted anything else distinctively Worcestershire . . . ian? I suspect this is a sexy sounding flavour to put on a chip/crisp package, but an easy flavour to manufacture in that it's not too far removed from salt & pepper or paprika or roast ox or the like. Expectations: not high. Do they smell like Worcestershire sauce? Thank the heavens, no. They almost smell ketchup chip-y. The taste: it's a lot more complex than I thought it would be. It has a bit of a tang and it's not too salty, It tastes like 3 - 4 different somethings: kind of peppery, kind of vinegary, kind of tomato-y, spicy but not spicy hot. I'd definitely eat these again. Looking at the ingredients, I see these are not flavoured with Worcestershire sauce but with "Worcester(shire) sauce seasoning" which includes: "flavouring" (biggest ingredient . . . and shouldn't that be an adjective and not a noun?), salt, sugar, barley malt vinegar, citric acid, dried onion, dried garlic, fructose, cardamom, ground black pepper, ginger, clove & cocoa powder. Wait. What? These chips could be a half brother to gingersnap cookies.

CALBEE EUROPEAN TASTE BRITISH FISH TARTARE SAUCE FLAVOURED POTATO CHIPS

(IMAGE NOT FOUND)

So. I have notes for these, but no photos. I cannot, for the life of me and after a full day searching on Google, find evidence of their existence (although Calbee DID come out with a line of European Taste chips, some of which I’ve reviewed on this very blog, and I recall being distinctly sad that I didn’t get my hands on the lobster bisque chips). I don’t remember eating these at all and yet, I have notes. Probability that this could have been a hunger-inspired fever dream: 63% These are the notes, verbatim: “I don't know if they're going for the whole fish & chip meal flavour or just "tartare" (tartare or tartar?) flavour. Wait, if this is "fish tartare" isn't that basically sushi? If it's “fish tartar” then I expect a salt & vinegar with a slight mayo-ny flavour. I am hopeful . . . I do like a good tartar sauce, but it's kind of unfeasible to eat it straight out of the jar/bottle with no accompaniment. (Well, I suppose it is, but my life hasn’t become that desperate. Yet.)

There's no tart to the tartar sauce, which is disappointing but not surprising given Calbee's tendency towards timid flavours. They don't taste fishy, even though "fish products" is part of the ingredient list (I’m a little concerned about "fish products"). They do mostly taste like tartar sauce in a roundabout way. Another ingredient is "flavour enhancer" and these chips need more of that -  unless "flavour enhancer" is something that makes tumors far more likely to occur if ingested in large quantities.”

* I feel compelled to note something that I’m sure only I care about. My last entry was full of verb tense flip-flopping and it’s driving me crazy (though not crazy enough to compel me to edit the entry). This is a result of having six-year-old notes written in the present tense (because I wrote them while eating the snacks and not after the fact). I’m picking one tense and sticking with it, and yes, it’s weird to write about something in the past as if it’s happening right the heck now but . . . . no. I don’t have an excuse. You’ll just have to live with it.

[artificialqueens]

Punny title about lesbians in love on an airplane (Branjie) - Mermelada

Hola! Did somebody ask for a Branjie lesbian flight attendant AU? Of course they didn’t, but it’s here anyway! Trigger warning for racism (third flight: Cancun section, skip if necessary as it’s not vital to the story). I hope you enjoy!

They first met on a flight to Tampa. They were both working in economy class, and were taking advantage of the turbulence to chitchat on their jumpseats at the back of the plane and get to know each other. Brooke Lynn learned that Vanessa had grown up in Tampa, had somehow acquired the nickname Vanjie at school, and was planning on spending that evening with her family. Vanessa learned that Brooke Lynn was Canadian, but had been living in the US for long enough to have almost completely lost her accent – except after a few tequilas, apparently – and used to be a pretty serious ballerina. Their personalities were polar opposites, and yet they hit it off immediately. They kept laughing with each other well after the plane’s wheels were on the ground and the passengers were nowhere to be seen. Although she didn’t want to admit it, Vanessa was somewhat disappointed when she saw her mother and aunt standing in the arrivals hall, and was thus forced to say goodbye to Brooke Lynn, who begrudgingly followed the rest of the crew out of the terminal to find their transport to the hotel. On the flight home the next day, both ladies picked up where they’d left off, their natural chemistry making their job feel easy and the flight seem quick. Far too quick. Before disembarking once they were safely parked back at base, Vanessa added Brooke Lynn on Facebook, delighted that their 56 mutual friends had made it easy. Their airline, however, was big, and they knew their chances of flying together again anytime soon was limited. Nonetheless, they exchanged goodbyes and thanked each other for such a nice flight.

-*-

They didn’t have to wait long for their next meeting, when Vanessa was called from reserve to go to Seattle the next week. All of her stress from speed-walking to the gate disappeared as soon as she stepped on board and saw the voluptuous blonde giant, who handed her a freshly brewed coffee. Airplane drinks had never tasted so good. Brooke Lynn was working in business class, so they didn’t get the chance to speak until the bus ride to their hotel in the city centre.

“I’ve never been to Seattle before, do you want to come sightseeing with me?”

Vanessa agreed perhaps too enthusiastically, her smile wide enough to park a bus, before she realised that in her frantic dash to the airport that morning, she hadn’t packed anything appropriate for the damp and chilly Seattle spring. A few awkward explanations and suggestive comments later, Vanessa found herself walking around Pike Place Market in her pyjama leggings, white jelly sandals, and Brooke’s red hoodie which drowned her tiny frame. It smelled like maple syrup – not in a stereotypical sort of way, but it was sweet, unique, and warmed Vanessa’s heart. They spent the day walking beside each other, neither woman flinching when their arms or hands bumped together. They chatted comfortably, and felt completely at ease in each other’s company. They’d spent as much time as possible exploring the city and eating more than either had thought possible, but the time change and early start was making staying awake increasingly difficult, and both made the decision to retire to their respective rooms before dinner time, promising to meet for breakfast when they inevitably woke up at the crack of dawn.

-*-

Their third flight together was the hardest. Brooke Lynn’s face had lit up the moment she saw Vanessa’s name beside a two-night trip to Cancun on her roster. They’d exchanged excited Whatsapp messages, having swapped phone numbers after breakfast in Seattle the previous two months prior, and planned a visit to a turtle sanctuary to find out “if those cute little fuckers really do try and swim to the moon”, a question Vanessa had been pondering since watching an Animal Planet documentary as a child. The reality, however, wasn’t quite as fun. An oil leak on their original plane meant a four hour wait in the terminal beside increasingly-agitated passengers while a new plane was found. Once they were finally on their way, a lady in the back row –  who had most likely spent the delay downing gin and tonics at the airport bar –  decided she didn’t like Vanessa’s bilingual English and Spanish announcements, unironically declaring loudly from her seat that “we want to keep America for Americans, we don’t want to be force-fed your taco-eating shit.”  

In shock, Brooke left her colleague in the aisle and went to the nearest phone to call the Captain, thinking ahead of the next steps from the ‘dealing with disruptive passengers’ chapter in her training notes.  Vanessa, surprisingly, kept her cool.

“Ma’am, I’m Puerto Rican. We eat sorullitos.”

The angry woman stared at Vanessa like she’d just killed a puppy. Her face turned red with rage, and she spat obscenities at Vanessa like they were on special offer. Not wanting to listen anymore, Vanessa just walked away to join Brooke Lynn in the back galley, leaving the passengers around the lady to deal with her themselves. Unfortunately, the captain had decided that the woman was a potential risk to the safety of the aircraft, which is how they found themselves diverting into Charleston and exceeding their maximum time limit for a day’s work. As the rest of the crew debriefed over miniature bottles of wine on the bus to their unplanned hotel for the night, Brooke and Vanessa sat close together in the back row. The taller woman had her arm wrapped around the shorter one’s shoulder, gently rubbing circles into her upper arm. Out of nowhere, the impact of what had happened hit Vanessa. She buried her face into Brooke’s chest, unable to stop the tears which were now falling incessantly from her eyes. Vanessa looked even smaller than normal, as fragile as a glass Christmas bauble. All Brooke could do was hold her closer, stroke her hair, and hope that Vanessa knew that she cared.

Back at the hotel, Vanessa wouldn’t let go of Brooke Lynn as they collected their keys from the bored-looking teenager at the front desk. Brooke had never experienced racism at work before – drunk football fans shouting ‘aboot’ across the aisle didn’t count – but she knew that the most important thing at that moment was to support her friend.

“Do you want to sleep in my room tonight? We can get pizza and watch The Notebook.”

In the short time they had known each other, Brooke Lynn had learned a lot about Vanessa’s favourite things, including her surprising love of all things romantic, despite a less-than-perfect love life about which she often dropped elusive snippets into conversation. Despite never having been one for soppy movies, Brooke wanted nothing more than to spend the evening doing whatever she could to make Vanessa happy.

The short Latina looked up through wet, brown eyes.

“Only if I can borrow your hoodie again, that shit was ugly but comfy as fuck.”

-*-

A month after their failed trip to Cancun, Brooke Lynn and Vanessa had been in contact every day, trying to figure out how to get another trip together. Finally, they were lucky, when Vanessa convinced her friend Silky to swap her night-stop in San Francisco with Brooke for two days in Pittsburgh.

“Think of the ketchup, girl, you’ll love Pittsburgh!”

“Bitch, you are pussy whipped, I better be your maid of honour.”

The words replayed on a loop in Vanessa’s head during her entire journey to the airport that morning. “Pussy whipped.” It sounded disgusting, but she couldn’t deny, there was something so attractive about Brooke Lynn that she couldn’t ignore. It wasn’t just that she was tall, athletic, curvaceous, and had the twinkliest eyes in the universe; she was intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and wickedly funny at the same time. She was never bored when they were together, and she felt entire swarms of butterflies flutter in her stomach every time her phone dinged with a new message from the Canadian. She also gave amazing cuddles. They’d gotten a lot closer over the last month, especially since Brooke had opened up about never having had a serious relationship at their Charleston sleepover. Brooke had also admitted that night to having had no idea that Vanessa was also a lesbian, which elicited even more flirtatious teasing.

“Is it because I don’t wear plaid? Brooky-poo, you can’t just pigeon-hole your sisters like that.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Jesus Christ, I told you, my gaydar has been broken since the 90s! This is why I’m single!”

They spent the long flight to San Fran working together in economy again, their smiles never fading as their bantered with the passengers during the bar round. They were able to remove the frowns from even the grumpiest of businessmen’s faces, which left the colleagues feeling like they were on cloud 9. As they gathered their belongings at the end of the flight, the cabin manager Nina walked down the aisle to see them.

“Those were some of the happiest customers I have ever seen, what on earth did you give them?!” she beamed, her enthusiasm somehow even higher than usual.

“Oh, you know”, began Brooke, “A bit of the ol’ Branjie charm does wonders!”

Vanessa’s snort in response caused the three to burst into hysterical laughter, their good moods only getting better and better.

It wasn’t until they were sat together at a bar on Pier 39 that it was brought up again.

“So, Branjie, huh?” smirked Vanessa, stirring her cocktail with her straw and fluttering her eyelashes at Brooke.

“Yeah, it’s like a… what’s the word for it? A portmanteau. Brooke and Vanjie – Branjie!”

Vanessa couldn’t help but laugh at how comfortable Brooke was explaining it, “you’ve thought about this before, haven’t you?!”

Brooke’s cheeks turned the same colour as her strawberry daiquiri, and she couldn’t drink it quick enough to hide from the fact that she’d been caught. “Well, yeah… I was just brainstorming, y’know. Branjie is better than Broonessa or Vanooke.”

Vanessa successfully maintained serious eye contact with Brooke for four seconds before exploding into uncontrollable laughter, the Canadian joining in immediately. At some point during the raucousness, Vanessa’s hand found its way onto Brooke’s thigh, and Brooke’s foot wrapped itself around Vanessa’s shin. They inched closer until there was virtually no space between them, conversing as before, only this time with far more intimacy. A natural lull in the conversation led to a comfortable silence, where they stared into each other’s eyes, neither sure of how to proceed. Just as Brooke Lynn caught Vanessa’s eyes dart down to her lips, she jumped up from her seat and extended her hand, which Vanessa took graciously.

“Let’s go for a walk, you like sea lions?”

The pier was swarming with tourists, all trying to take photographs of every single square centimetre. Vanessa and Brooke Lynn aimlessly sauntered along, their hands connected and swinging at a gentle pace beside them. Despite not looking at each other, they knew that they were wearing matching smiles. They stopped at the end of the pier and took in the deafening racket from the giant creatures below, huddling together closely to counter the effects of the cool sea breeze.

“Sorry, I thought this was going to be romantic”, sighed Brooke, lightly removing her hand from Vanessa’s and looking down to inspect her nails, a nervous tick she’d developed as a teenager in dance class. “I wasn’t expecting it to smell quite so fishy.”

Vanessa couldn’t help but grin at her counterpart’s sudden shyness, taking it upon herself to make the first move by wrapping her arms around Brooke Lynn’s waist.

“I didn’t even notice.” With that, Vanessa stood as high on her tip-toes as possible and stretched her neck as far as she could, meeting Brooke’s lips halfway in a flurry of quick, chaste kisses. They held each other as they stared out to the sea, the cacophony of the sea lion choir filling the air. It was perfect.

-*-

They saw each other a lot more after San Francisco, meeting for coffee and drinks at home whenever their schedules aligned, or spending hours on Facetime when they didn’t. They were seeing each other, Brooke supposed. It wasn’t official or exclusive, nor had they spoken about what their exact status was, but whatever it was, it was good. It felt right. It had been 52 days since their first kiss, and the Canadian was ready to take their relationship to the next level. Unbeknownst to Brooke Lynn, Vanessa was had also been planning the perfect way to do so as soon as she’d laid eyes upon the 3-night trip to Maui appear on their rosters for next month. Sunshine, sea, and coconut bras… what could possibly be sexier?

The flight passed without a hitch, and all nine crew members chatted drowsily in the hotel lobby as they waited for their room keys to be ready. Vanessa and Brooke were sharing an armchair that was far too small to fit both of them, but they relished the closeness. Drawing gentle patterns onto Brooke Lynn’s lower back, Vanessa put the first part of her plan into action.

“So, I was wondering,” she began hesitantly, clearing her throat as a pair of sleepy green eyes met her brown ones, “since we’ve basically spent all of our last two trips together, do you want to maybe share a room?”

Vanessa knew it was a big step: despite having shared a bed for one night in Charleston, and enjoying an evening kissing during Food Network ad breaks in Brooke’s room in San Fran, they were yet to officially spend a night together together. And a room all to themselves would mean they could do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, without having to run halfway across the hotel to brush their teeth or change clothes. Vanessa was also desperate to explore every inch of Brooke’s body and do whatever she could to make her feel good, but Brooke’s slight hesitation in that moment made her doubt herself.

“We don’t have to, don’t worry, I was just thinking it might be nice to spend some time alone together since it’s been so long since we’ve been together just the two of us, but I understand if you want your personal space, I know you probably don’t want all my bikinis and shit cluttering up your room and…”

Before Vanessa could finish ranting, Brooke stopped her by pressing their lips together, so soft in contrast to Vanessa’s erratic rambling.

“Yes”, was all she needed to say, before Vanessa grinned like the Cheshire Cat and pulled her in for a longer kiss, not even caring that the rest of their crewmates had already left.  

The atmosphere was unusually quiet in the girls’ room. Brooke had opened the door to the balcony, looking out onto the beach, meanwhile Vanessa rifled through her suitcase to find her phone charger. She really should start organising her luggage better one day, maybe Brooke could teach her. Neither had uttered a word to each other since walking through the door to their humble double room, and both seemed reluctant to be the first to break the tension. Eventually, having successfully plugged her phone in to charge, Vanessa decided to take a shower to wash the smell of Boeing off of her skin. Singing off-key to herself as she lathered up her fruity shampoo, she didn’t hear the bathroom door open and close again.

“Need some help?”

Vanessa jumped as she realised that standing in front of her was the most perfect, beautiful woman she has ever seen, completely naked, and looking at Vanessa with matching awe.

“If you want to”, was all Vanessa could muster before pushing herself onto the blonde goddess in front of her, pinning her against the wall of the shower cubicle and kissing her with a passion she’d never known she had. Brooke kissed back with a far greater intensity than any of their previous kisses, moving to nibble at Vanessa’s neck and clavicle.

Not content with not being in control, Brooke Lynn reached her hands down to grab Vanessa’s ass, and in one swift motion lifted her up and spun them around so that the shorter girl’s back was now against the tiled wall, with her legs wrapped as tightly as she could around Brooke’s hips. They continued kissing passionately, grabbing each other’s hair and softly moaning into each other’s mouth, when Brooke, who still had a hold on Vanessa as she inadvertently grinded against the Canadian’s pubic bone, lost her grip and could only watch as the brunette slid in slow-motion all the way down Brooke’s body like a firefighter’s pole, unable to land on her legs in time. She looked down at the shocked brown eyes staring up from the corner of the cubicle floor, not sure how it had happened, when the room was filled with the most glorious sound of Vanessa’s laughter. Once she’d started laughing, she couldn’t stop, which then infected Brooke to the point where neither could breathe. The situation only worsened with Brooke’s failed attempts to pull Vanessa back up again, the women’s hands slipping constantly in the stream of water.  

“This wasn’t what I had in mind when I wanted to get you wet tonight”, Brooke barely managed to wheeze out as her stomach muscles ached from their sudden exertion. Just about succeeding to regain composure as Vanessa still howled below her, she turned off the shower and extended her hand, finally managing to pull the brunette up to stand beside her. They shared several soft kisses, hands wandering across their torsos, holding on to each other as if they might suddenly be split apart. As their kisses once more began getting more heated, Vanessa snickered and looked up at Brooke.

“My ass really hurts, I think you should kiss it better.”

All Brooke could do was roll her eyes and continue kissing Vanessa’s face, her smile never faltering.

“You are absolutely unbelievable, I can’t believe I have four more days of this.”

“You love it, really.”

Neither woman could possibly disagree, as they practically sprinted across the 1970’s-patterned carpet and jumped on the bed, which they had no intention of leaving in a hurry.

The whole duration of the flight home was spent with knowing smirks being passed between the other flight attendants as Brooke Lynn and Vanessa tried to remain professional and not hold hands or smash lips at every opportunity.

“Sooooo”, drawled Yvie over a dinner of over-cooked macaroni cheese behind the galley curtain, “did you two enjoy the beach?”

Vanessa began blushing as she stabbed her fork into her foil tray, looking to Brooke to save their dignity, however she appeared to be trying to shrink as far down as possible into her uniform blouse. They weren’t getting out of this one.

“I spent a lot of time there. There were a couple in the room next door to me who kept hammering shit to the walls and screaming about God all day and all night. I hope they had a good time, because I’m fucking tired.”

And with that, Yvie put her meal tray away and walked back out into the cabin, leaving Vanessa and Brooke to stare at each other in silence, willing the bottom of the plane to open up and suck them out.

-*-

They had been an item for six months. It was Brooke’s longest relationship, and the happiest six months of Vanessa’s life. It hadn’t been without its challenges: despite trying to synchronise rosters to spend more time together, they often found themselves on opposite sides of the continent for half of each week. They were eternally grateful for FaceTime, but nothing compared to the feeling of leaping into bed for a nap together after their respective flights home. They had both looked endlessly for flights they could work on together, sending out begging requests to swap at every opportunity, but none had been successful.

That was until Brooke cornered Yvie in the crew room, bought her a coffee, and pouted until the tall, brown-eyed girl had no choice to but cave.

“You still owe me about 20 hours of sleep from Hawaii, I’ll add this to your tab.”

Brooke’s initial plan had been to keep it a secret until the day of the flight to surprise Vanessa, but in her excited state, she couldn’t hold it in for one night.

“I’M COMING TO TAMPA!”

Flight six had been the best flight of all, with a fully-functioning plane, happy passengers, and the woman of her dreams across from her, somehow even making pouring coffee look sexy. Brooke Lynn thought back to their very first meeting, not quite remembering at which point it had all fallen into place, but she wouldn’t have changed a thing. She was in love.

Vanessa, feeling exactly the same way, couldn’t help but ride the overwhelming wave of joy whenever she thought about the tall blonde in front of her, handing out pretzels whilst looking like such a snack herself. Without wanting to scare Brooke Lynn away, Vanessa knew she was in this for the long run.

Just a couple of hours later, they walked through arrivals, each with one hand on their suitcases and the others linked together.

“I hope you don’t mind, baby, but I’ve already sorted out our transport home.” Vanessa smiled and squeeze Brooke’s hand, leading her through the throngs of lost-looking people in the terminal, until they were both embraced by two pairs of warm, welcoming arms.

“Mamá, Tía Alexis, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Brooke Lynn.”

[whumphoarder]

Grand Entrance

Prompt/Summary: "Would you ever write something in which Peter gets carsick with Tony taking care of him?"

Or, in which Tony and Peter attend a science expo just north of the border and Peter vomits his way into Canada.

Word count: 1,869

Genre: Sickfic, whump, hurt/comfort

A/N: Shout outs to @sallyidss for beta reading and being ever so helpfully Canadian, and to @xxx-cat-xxx for all your edits and ideas!

Link to read on Ao3

“I still can’t believe I’m going to be in a room with Søren Thygesen,” Peter says in awe. He’s scrolling through the conference workshop list on Tony’s Starkpad. “Do you think since you’re a speaker too, we can get backstage and meet him? Will he sign my textbook?”

Tony scoffs as he shifts gears on the Audi to overtake a slow-moving semi truck. Peter grins—he loves the rush of the 532 horsepower V10 engine lurching forward. “You have to be the only teenager in this country excited to see a three-hour lecture by an eighty-two-year-old Danish astrophysicist,” Tony remarks.

“A world-renowned Danish astrophysicist,” Peter corrects, looking up from the tablet. “Plus, he’s like the god of clean energy!” At Tony’s raised eyebrows, he quickly throws in, “Well, besides you, of course.”

Tony rolls his eyes. “Don’t worry kid, I’m not feeling threatened by your Scandinavian grandfather.”

“He’s just so awesome,” Peter gushes. “If anyone is going to figure out how to get humans on Mars, it’s Thygesen.” He lets out a long sigh. “I really want to go to the Q&A panel on Saturday, but I don’t know what questions I would even ask.”

“You know you don’t actually have to ask a question to go to a panel, right?” Tony points out for the second time that day. “You can just sit and listen.”

“I know,” Peter groans, “but I don’t wanna waste what might be my only opportunity to ever speak to him.”

Tony snorts. “That’s a good point—he is eighty-two. Probably doesn’t have a lot of science expos left in him.”

Peter whips his head around to throw his mentor a horrified look. “Mr. Stark!” he gasps.

“I’m just saying ...” Tony chuckles. “Toronto isn’t exactly a stone’s throw from Denmark.”

“He can’t die,” Peter says firmly. “He’s Søren Thygesen.”

“What is he, the new Chuck Norris?”

Peter’s brow furrows in confusion. “Who?”

“Never mind. God, you’re young...” his mentor mutters. Tony shifts over to the right lane to take the next exit. “Alright, alright, what about asking him something related to his biosphere project?” he suggests. “Or the new Mars Land Rover design, now that Oppy’s kicked the bucket?”

Peter sticks his lip out in a pout. “Too soon, Mr. Stark...” he complains.

X

After a brief stop for gas, they pull back onto the highway and Peter spends the next half hour pouring over the tablet, looking up every article he can find related to Thygesen’s Mars exploration research. Most of the journals are written in abstract, theoretical language, but Peter has always been a good reader and he can usually get the gist. Whenever he comes across a term or concept he’s unfamiliar with, he reads the paragraph aloud and Tony helps him work out the meaning.

Peter just forgot one little fact.

He can’t fucking read in the car.

The nausea doesn’t come all at once. It creeps up on Peter—slowly, gradually—until he has no choice but to pay attention. By the time he realizes he’s not feeling well, his stomach is already churning inside of him and a headache is pounding in his temples, leaving him feeling as though his forehead has been stretched too tightly around his skull.

He abandons the Starkpad, shifting his gaze to look out the window and doing his best to take deep, even breaths. Tony flips his blinker on and speeds up to pass another truck. The lurch of the engine is the same, but this time Peter’s expression is more of a grimace.

“Um… Mr. Stark?” he mumbles. “Are we almost there?”

“About ten more miles to the border, and then another eighty or so to the conference center,” Tony replies. “Don’t worry, you’ll see your elderly man crush soon enough.”

“Oh.” Peter swallows hard in an effort to push the queasiness back down. “Like, how many minutes is that?”

“Minutes are not a measure of distance, kid,” Tony retorts.

Peter groans and rolls his eyes, then immediately regrets it as his stomach rolls as well. He quickly locks his gaze back on the horizon. Between carefully measured breaths, he mutters, “I was just wondering if we’re going to stop soon.”

Tony frowns at him. “I asked you twice if you needed the bathroom at the gas station, and you said no. It’s been less than an hour and now you need to go?”

Peter feels his cheeks flush slightly. “Never mind, I’m fine,” he mutters. “Just wanted to stretch my legs, but I can wait.”

“Damn right,” Tony scoffs. Keeping one hand on the steering wheel, he fishes around on the car’s floor with the other for an empty plastic Gatorade bottle and tosses it onto Peter’s lap. “If you have to pee, use this. I’m not stopping because you suddenly remembered you have a bladder.”

“Ha, ha. Very funny,” Peter huffs. He shoves the empty bottle back in the cup holder before twisting in his seat to press his cheek to the cool glass of the window. “I’m fine, Mr. Stark.”

X

Fifteen minutes later, Peter is no longer fine.

“Got your passport ready?” Tony checks as the car rolls to a stop behind a silver SUV.

Peter nods, his lips pressed into a thin line. That’s not entirely accurate—the passport is actually in the front pocket of his backpack, which is currently sitting on the floor beside his feet—but he doesn’t feel quite up to bending down to get it at the moment. Beads of cold sweat are dripping down the back of his neck and it’s all Peter can do to keep his stomach in place as they inch their way towards the border crossing.

“I’m thinking we’ll stop for dinner somewhere around the Falls,” Tony goes on. “Have you ever had poutine?”

Peter chances opening his mouth just long enough to breathe out a quick, “Um, don’t think so.”

Tony hums as he follows the SUV forward another couple meters before braking again. “Gotta admit, I was skeptical the first time Rhodey made me try it, but it’s not nearly as gross as it looks. You’d think it would be soggy, what with the gravy soaking into the fries and the cheese curds sort of half melting, but—”

“Yeah, sounds great,” Peter cuts his mentor off. Saliva’s been pooling in his mouth for the past five minutes, but it’s definitely not from the prospect of eating traditional Canadian food. He swallows hard and breathes carefully through his mouth.

A red minivan ahead of them clears the security checkpoint and each vehicle in their lane rolls another car’s length forward.

“Butter tart isn’t bad either,” Tony remarks, braking again. “And Montreal bagels put New York ones to shame. But if you breathe a word of that to anyone, I’ll deny it.”

With a small grunt of acknowledgment, Peter squeezes his eyes closed, silently praying the man will just shut up.

The border patrol officer waves the next car through.

“Alright, passport time,” Tony announces while the SUV ahead of them moves into the inspection zone. He holds one hand out expectantly over the kid’s lap. “Hit me.”

“It’s in my backpack,” Peter mumbles without making a move for it. His ears are ringing and he’s actually dizzy now. For a brief moment, he wonders if it’s possible to pass out from motion sickness. If only he could be so lucky.

Tony frowns, retrieving his own passport from behind the sun visor. “Well, hurry up. We’re next.”

“Right, right…” Carefully—ever so carefully—Peter bends forward to unzip the backpack. He fishes out the passport, but just as he starts to sit back up, the SUV drives off and the border patrol agent waves Tony forward.

Peter’s stomach lurches along with the car’s movement and he burps, tasting the pickles and ketchup from the hamburger he’d had for lunch. Bile is rising in the back of his throat and instantly Peter knows he has mere seconds to prevent a tragedy. His eyes dart around desperately for a cup, a plastic bag, a tissue box, anything. But there’s nothing. Absolutely nothing.

In pure desperation, he does the only thing he can think of to save Tony’s custom leather interior.

The moment the Audi rolls to a stop at the checkpoint, Peter yanks the collar of his hoodie up over his mouth and pukes all down the inside.

At the sound of the kid’s gag, Tony whips his head around. “Jesus, kid!” he swears in surprise.

Standing just outside, the border patrol agent—a gangly red-haired kid who looks to be fresh out of high school—is staring wide-eyed at the gasping teenager in the passenger seat.

Tony blinks at Peter, his expression morphing as the initial shock is replaced with concern. “Are... Are you okay?”

Peter gives a small nod and blushes, trying not to move any more than necessary. Inside his hoodie, hot, gross vomit is running all down his front, soaking through his t-shirt. “Yeah, sorry,” he rasps out. “Just… got kinda carsick.”

Tony blinks again. With barely concealed disgust, he reaches over and starts trying to wiggle the passport out from the kid’s grip, but the officer intervenes.

“Uh, it’s fine. You can just pull on through,” the redhead instructs, still staring at Peter as he waves the car forward. “There’s, uh, there’s a rest stop not too far from here.”

Peter flashes the other boy a grateful thumbs up as he pulls the sweatshirt back up over his face and heaves again.

X

When Peter emerges from the rest stop bathroom, he’s wearing a completely new set of clothes and carrying a knotted plastic Pharmasave bag containing his vomit-soaked hoodie and jeans. In the other hand, he’s clutching the remaining quarter of a package of baby wipes.

Tony is standing in the parking lot beside the car, his arms crossed casually over his chest and a mildly amused look on his face. “Feeling better now?”

Peter gives a half-hearted shrug and deposits the bag and baby wipes in the backseat. Tony passes him the bottle of PC lemon-lime soda he just purchased from the vending machine.

“I’ll rephrase,” Tony tries again. “Feeling better enough to get back in the car? We’re about seventy minutes out from the hotel.”

“Minutes are not a measure of distance, Mr. Stark,” Peter deadpans.

Tony rolls his eyes. “Just answer the question.”

Peter hesitates, opening the soda to take a cautious sip. He’s feeling less sick now that he’s on solid ground and his stomach is blissfully empty, but the thought of getting back in the car still makes him queasy. “Um, maybe in another five minutes?” he mumbles. “If that’s alright…?”

“Sure,” Tony agrees easily. “We can go take a walk by the Falls or something. Maybe pick you up some Dramamine.” His brow furrows in thought. “Although that might knock you out, and your buddy is giving the keynote tonight.”

“I’ll be okay,” Peter assures. “Just need a few minutes.”

Tony huffs out a quick laugh. “Yeah, can’t risk missing Thygesen. Even if you just vomited your way into Canada.”

In spite of everything, Peter grins. “May always said I liked a grand entrance.”

Click here for chapter 2!

A/N: Additional shoutout to @awesomesockes for for helping to invent the exceedingly awesome character of Søren Thygesen, for whom we now hold so many dumb irrelevant headcanons (such as that he holds the Guinness world record for the longest nose hair and can play the didgeridoo).

Fic Masterlist

[kanadabiscuits]

Top 10 Canadian things that the rest of the world is just totally missing out on

Duuuude… @ckerouac, I misread your post and now I have a homework assignment!!! LOL! Okay, here goes, but I am only going to be slightly serious about this, none of the usual healthcare/human rights stuff. Now let’s see…. :D

1. Rainbow money! It’s Pride all the time in your wallet. Collect them all, go on a spree! 

2. Rick Mercer’s Rants. A former member of our political satire gem This Hour Has Twenty-Two Minutes, Rick Mercer went on to his own show, The Rick Mercer Report. But he is best known for his rants. They entertain, they rile, and they inform, and at the heart of each rant is a genuine love for Canada despite all its flaws.

Rick’s Rant: Nestle Water https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuVgJ-sgBW4

3. Nova Scotia. No, seriously. Everyone goes to Quebec, Ontario, BC, and the ski resorts in Alberta, but even Canada sometimes forgets about the East Coast. It’s not uncommon for someone from Ontario to say they’re “from Eastern Canada”… like it ends there. We were once left off the map of an official Canadian tourism add aimed at Sweden. Like, on the map they printed, we weren’t just grey, the country just ended at the Quebec border. But believe me, la Nouvelle Ecosse is beautiful, the people are warm and friendly (for the most part, we all have our assholes), and there is a pace of life here that you don’t find in many other places. The music, the farmers’ markets, the scenery, the food, and the endangered but still vast tracts of forest and lake systems.

4. Actors. You want ‘em? We have them. You’re welcome. :D

Ellen Page (see also: why Nova Scotia is awesome), Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Oh, Dan Levy, Noah Reid, Ryan Gosling, Nathan Fillion, Corey Monteith, Evangeline Lily, Dan Aykroyd, Stephen Amell, Victor Garbor, SO many more, but I’ll let Cobie Smulders dance us out…

5. Donairs. Nothing will ever taste so good at 2am after several pitchers of draught and a lot of laughter. Also, nothing will ever taste more like regret the morning after. Do not leave for leftovers. Nothing is more revolting in the morning than donair sauce. But at night? SOoooo worth it. LOL.

6. Vinyl Cafe and Stuart McLean. CBC Radio has formed a bridge for our country for what seems like forever, and the late-Stuart McLean and his travelling show was one of its best. He took joy from stories of small towns and the people who made differences in the lives of their communities, he travelled around the country and made us all feel a part of the same family. And he created the Arthur Awards to celebrate the unsung: “The Vinyl Café was a celebration of the everyday. Pebbles scooped out of the ever-flowing stream of time, lovingly polished til they shone. The annual Arthur Awards were the Oscars of the ordinary, the antidote to celebrity culture. They were medals for unsung heroes.The idea behind the Arthurs was to put the spotlight on school secretaries and home bakers, track down the stranger who handed in a wallet wadded with cash or the volunteer at the Humane Society who took time to build a wheelchair for an injured bunny.”

Also the stories of Dave and Morley, so full of heart, so funny, so relatable, so utterly delightful. 

7. Stan Rogers. I grew up on him. He is the voice of my country in my heart. Unofficial poet laureate with a deep rumbling voice and way of invoking the spirit of every province he sang about. And Northwest Passage is our unofficial second anthem. Perhaps less so nowadays, but his voice, his songs, shaped my perception of Canada and left me with profound sense of what it is to be Canadian. 

8. Ketchup flavoured potato chips. Also dill pickle potato chips. I’ve been told others do not have these. They should. They are addictive.

9.  This one’s for you @ckerouac

10. ME!!!

[2000daysprekindergarten]

Order Up! – Calgary Daycares & Their Food

Order Up! – Calgary Daycares & Their Food

  Written by Marlene Alcon Kepka

@AlconKepka

| 10 MIN READ |

      Kids and food. The eternal struggle. Most Calgary daycares struggle with this… the ones that offer food anyway. We sure do.

How important is nutritious food to your child?

Are all Calgary daycares the same when it comes to quality?

Is catering the same as having a chef on-site?

What can you do as a parent, so your child eats and eats healthy?

All important questions to ask any daycare. Food is a very important part of your child’s development. It’s as important as the academics and level of care.

But there’s a huge difference in feeding your little one a hotdog and ketchup or a whole wheat bun with sliced, fresh ham. All food isn’t equal in nutrition, taste, and cost.

Your children probably love the junk food and not the healthy food. That’s typical for children…heck… even us adults. Who doesn’t love a greasy pizza or burger?

A treat here and there is fun and great for the kids. We just must be careful not to overdo it. There’s an obesity epidemic right now. Nutrition is important.

via GIPHY

We Love Food!! A Bit Too Much

Canada, like the rest of the world has an obesity problem. If you add over weight to that its even worse. Obesity rates have tripled in the last 30 years. Our children are larger than they have ever been.

Parents and Calgary daycares need to take this very seriously. Obese children can get a lot of health issues.

Bone and joint issues

Diabetes

Heart disease

High blood pressure

Breathing and sleep issues

Those are some of the physical side affects of being obese. This is for kids and adults alike. Children have it a bit worse. They start young so changing the behavior is harder and the negative affects compound over time.

I know through my years working at and owning a daycare there’s another side that is just as bad and, in my opinion, even worse. The emotional side of being obese or overweight.

We’ve all seen a funny move or commercial with a “fat” kid that does something silly and usually falls over. We laugh and the move or even cartoon is great.

What we don’t see in the movies or cartoons is the emotional toll that takes on children. Being picked on for being overweight is hard on children. They can get bullied and treat very differently than their thinner friends.

A few emotional affects to being overweight are:

Low self-esteem

Bullying or teasing

Depression

Feeling left out

The good thing is that some Calgary daycares understand this. But many don’t. Knowing which take your child’s nutritional health into account is huge.

Michelin Star Daycare?

Your child is having an amazing day! Playing, learning, and getting to know his peers even more. The sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day. Your child is running and learning. They’re hungry.

Now the questions is; does your child get a Greek yogurt and homemade granola parfait with fruit on top. Or a pre-packaged sugary “breakfast cookie”?

What about lunch? Is it a whole wheat vegetarian lasagna made from scratch that’s filled with veggies or a hotdog?

Which would you rather they eat? Which would you rather feed your little one?

Our daycare chooses the first one. Is it as popular as the sugary or nutrition devoid options? No. Kids love hot dogs and sugar of course. But over time they start to enjoy the healthier options more.

I’ve seen this myself. Children that maybe don’t have the best diet in the world. Really pushing back on the home made, nutritious daycare food. But over time they eat a lot.

Why don’t all Calgary daycares just make amazing food so the children have a lot of brain food? Running my daycare, I know it’s time and money.

Let’s take a veggie butter chicken recipe we use at our child care centre. Feel free to try it out on the weekend. Our kids love this. Add some Naan bread and it’s a winner.

Anyways. Back to the time and money thing. If you clicked on the recipe you can see it’s a lot of ingredients.

This is from scratch (most of it is but you can cheat a bit with cans). Now make that for 80 kids like at our daycare. That’s a lot of work.

Our chef must prep everything. Cut up all the vegetables. Get the chicken prepped and cut up. Spice things just right for children. As you might now kids are fussy with how much spice is in things.

Once you add up the amount of healthy ingredients, which cost more. Plus the extra time the chef is putting in the food. It can get pricey. But I strongly believe its worth it.

If you make the food tasty AND nutritious it’ll help kids get out of the rut that good food tastes bad. Many kids default to the SAD diet (Standard American Diet) that Canadians and Americans eat.

The faster we can get them away from the SAD diet and into something more balanced the better.

via GIPHY

Catering Vs A Daycare Chef

My daycare uses a chef. On site all the time and cooking home made meals daily. You might be asking if catering is just as good or even better. Let’s take a look.

This section will by my opinion. Like and op ed piece in a newspaper. Because it’s so hard to prove any of this and find legitimate information. But I am sure you will see, like I do that its just common sense.

Making things in bulk isn’t always the best. Stay with me. Here is my logic. Catering is a business that needs to make profits. They must make food in bulk.

It’s not profitable to make individual food items like we do at many Calgary daycares.

We know how hard it is to make food for 80 children at our Calgary daycares so it must be 10x harder to do it for 800. A lot of pre-made, canned, pre-packaged items are used. You’ve probably heard of Sysco of GFS.

Those are large corporations that many caterers, restaurants, etc. use for buying their food. These are pre-made, bulk food stuffs that probably aren’t the best when it comes to nutrition or being natural.

It saves cost to purchase from them and it saves a lot of time. They always deliver in bulk and you can quickly use there pre-made pastes, powders and other fillers. Quick, easy and cheap.

I know for sure some caterers add some fruit and some other healthy, natural items to their menus. But that doesn’t make there entire menu nutritious or healthy.

You can make protein packaged spaghetti super lunch in two ways. Which would you prefer that your child eats?

1) White noodle spaghetti, canned pasta sauce, hotdogs cut in (maybe some bulk ground beef), apple

2) Whole wheat spaghetti, home made spaghetti sauce with vegetables cut into it, beef shank cut into cubes in the sauce, whole wheat bun, fruit of choice

Both are spaghetti and both sound amazing but I know which one I would want to feed the children.

I know from experience that you can make anything sound good but you have to know what to look for to see if it truly is.

Between catering and an on site chef. I would go with a chef anytime. I haven’t even touched on customizing dishes and being creative with new foods. Our chef at our daycare does this all the time.

We also share recipes with our families so they can make this delicious food at home.

The Making of A Foodie Kid

Parents ask me all the time about food and their child. With over 20 years of experience with children I got to know a thing or two. Here are my top tips.

First and foremost, you need to have nutritious food. No point in starting this journey if the food you give is just plain bad.

I recommend 5-6 days a week of nutritious, vegetable laden foods. Then 1-2 days a week you can have fun.

Maybe the weekend is pizza and hotdogs. Some ice cream to wash it all down. Fun and enjoy. Teach your child that food can be fun and make some fun memories. I wish our daycare had this option.

Then the other 5-6 days a week you want to feed your child vegetables, fruits, whole wheats and water. This gives them the best of both worlds.

Some fun and junk food while watching a movie or at a birthday party on the weekend. While still keeping things healthy and teaching them about nutrition during the week.

Here are some great tips for keeping a healthy and fed child.

In the tips guide link above there is something I want to touch on again. Its not being a short order cook and standing your ground. Those are the biggest take aways from the guide.

It’s very similar to what we do at my daycare. Everyone eats the same. There is no ordering or saying that the children don’t want that. They eat what is given.

This is crucial. Once you start catering to them you’ll be making 10 dinners and lunches a day.

The last one is harder at my daycare but you as a parent can do this. That’s being very firm. Telling your child dinner is now.

Its here for and hour and after that its breakfast. Not sneaking an apple or finding something else to eat.

I know its harder with younger children but stick to it. This will really help set a standard and they will love you for it later in life.

What Calgary Daycares Has Taught Me About Food

Running our daycare in Calgary and being a daycare worker at other centers have given me insights others might not have. Healthy eating is crucial for little children.

Their brains are developing and they badly need the vitamins and minerals great food gives them.

  Something like the picture above is exactly what I see work with kids. Don’t deprive them of fun and junky foods. Don’t use food as a punishment. Make it

If your child is going to a daycare in Calgary or any daycare. Ask them who makes the food. What company? Is it a chef on site? Which I strongly encourage you to look for.

As long as they serve fresh, wholesome and no pre-packaged food then you’re good. Check out this article on daycares and nutritious foods. Its an eye opener.

It’s bad food and bad food choices that start a slippery slope decline into being over weight and then obese.

Obesity is very unhealthy for your child’s body AND mind. Doing whatever you can to have a healthy little child is very important to their wellbeing.

And to leave off here are a few awesome recipes for you to try tonight. The children at my daycare LOVE them!

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